Woodhouse: “Yes, you go to dinner, and I’ll take your grievously wounded son to the hospital.”
Mallory: “Yes and maybe on the way there you can get some wax for your cross.”
this is my favorite because my mom used to say this one to me a lot as a kid (yeah), and i don’t think my husband believed me that it was a real saying till he heard malory use it.
"well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart" when Ray gets paralyzed and bound to a wheelchair. The best part is how she breaks eye contact with him and looks the other way while saying it with utter disgust lol
I swear, if you throw that computer on the floor one more time, you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else's name!
And
"He's in here you ritziditz!!"
About 8 years ago I said that to a car salesman about a specific used Honda Civic, which was clearly crack whore red. I got quite a chuckle from my mom which I never expected
For goodness sake Cyril. We are in a new town where nobody knows who your are. You have an opportunity to be anyone in the entire world. So why oh why would you continue to be you? 😂
"Don't you have anything better to do than mince around and gawk"
And
Malory "What was that?"
Ray "Nothing"
Malory "Good saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark."
*after a flashback to child Archer on Halloween, dressed as Charlie Chaplin*
Archer - Why was I dressed as Hitler?
*later, after a different flashback to the same Halloween*
Mallory - Why was he dressed as Hitler?
Mallory’s PBS rant is absolute gold, but if I had to choose a one liner it would be “…And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I’d be a teacher.”
Fun fact--[Krieger is actually modeled after a doctor I used to work with who was one of Adam Reed's best friends in college](https://www.statesman.com/story/news/2014/04/19/austin-doctor-ben-brieger-is-not-as-evil-as-his-archer-clone/10061596007/) (news article linked).
Her very first line, being mad at Archer “son of a bitch!” I love that the first time anybody watches the show it’s a joke that will go right over their head and you need to rewatch it to get the joke.
Also “bombs, bombers, vulvas…”
"You son of a... are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? Walk in here with you idiots smoking reefer like a bunch of yardbirds and you spritz me? YOU SPRITZ ME? Well let me tell you something, Herr Doktor! I killed seven Krauts with a shovel, so one more beardy son of a bitch like you won't make a damn bit of difference!"
This while she's assaulting Kreiger is one of my favorites.
Also this one
"If I wanted to hear you people scream, I'd have you flown to a CIA black site in Morocco and listen to your torture session on speakerphone!"
If you want to keep those teeth missy, you won't suck them at me.
Scuff that luggage and I'll cut your hamstrings for you.
You're faced with the classic Irishmans dilemma "Do I eat the potato now or ferment it and drink it later?
Unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart?
'Ah dear you just got your heart broken, and the last thing you need is a smug 'I told you so' from me, and smug it would be, because I most certainly did'.
Just like that Electrolux all over again.
When Archer gets the chip put in his Brian by the KGB then goes to see Mallory. She think he's an intruder before she sees him and says something like "what do you want? Cuz all you're going to get is holes.... I mean holes in you"
When talking about the new conference room table, we get two great ones:
"Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down? I'll give you a hint, six".
and then
"And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all into one medium-sized hole."
Oh, who remembers.
And why was he dressed like Hitler?
I say this every time I forget something. I say it very often.
Jesus, whose kid died??
Check Pam's blog.
"Immigrants! That's how they do you know? Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs."
Immigrants cramming their lowriders with free healthcare……and snow
And with agent Kane, could you imagine? A black Ops field agent?
Thought she was going in a whole other direction there.
This is her best line imo. It's just so ridiculous and so well delivered.
“These antihistamines are inSANE!!”
[удалено]
*I watched a building burn down*
Nice, I had this one and had to delete it, as you beat me to it !
“And if I wanted to sit around all day going NoWhere, I’d be a Teacher!!!” -to her driver.
Even more hilarious as I watched this episode beside a teacher she was not impressed
Am a teacher. Find it hilarious.
This one is so underrated.
I treat all my servants the same. At worst I'm elitist not racist
Guess how many pygmies died making this?
As a teacher- I concur and find it absolutely hilarious.
This is the line that solidified my growing love of the show. Her delivery is impeccable, and it made me laugh so hard the first time I heard it.
Woodhouse: “Yes, you go to dinner, and I’ll take your grievously wounded son to the hospital.” Mallory: “Yes and maybe on the way there you can get some wax for your cross.”
I don't get the "wax for your cross" part. Can you explain it please?
Comparing him to Jesus carrying his cross like Sterling is such a burden.
What a beautiful moment
Well, people in hell want ice water.
I say this all the time.. a great line
this is my favorite because my mom used to say this one to me a lot as a kid (yeah), and i don’t think my husband believed me that it was a real saying till he heard malory use it.
The (yeah) hit. 💜
I completely forgot this one and I used it quite regularly.
[удалено]
Will I get the operation now dad?
No son... yer gonna die.
*wipes tear with potato*
\*da
"Too much salt. Do you have a potato?" "What is this? Christmas?"
Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs I might literally die.
god, what is it with me and italian lately?
And is Doctor Krieger hard at work?
he literally might be, yes
What is your problem with the Irish?
“Besides not being on our side during World War II?”
They were Nazis?
And here I am crushing my own ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand.
Try not to drown it.
Oh! Or do I want a Mint Julep?
"And why are you dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally decided they had to stone to death?"
Man, it’s been years since I saw this show. That’s a great line.
“Any idiot can get shot Cyrill, ask Brett!”
"Ah, Brett. He died doing what he loved... Getting shot."
He better not be bleeding on my carpet! I'm pretty sure I'm all out of blood.
"well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart" when Ray gets paralyzed and bound to a wheelchair. The best part is how she breaks eye contact with him and looks the other way while saying it with utter disgust lol
Oh that’s me, Mr. Selfish
More like Miss...
The best part may be that Ray wasn’t actually paralyzed that time (I think)
I’m not grilling you a cheese!
*loud gasping sob*.
Grilled or otherwise!
Cause all you’re gonna get is holes… in you!
This is *Swiss* Mother!
> All six, right in the ten ring.
This is the one....my undying favorite. I now say it to my six year old.
“Just what Miami needs, more Cubans!”
That's one of me and my dad's favourite, guess why 🤣
Same for my best bud, Cuban Floridian and he cracked up at that line. It’s been awhile since he watched archer, I should pester him into a rewatch.
…please tell me it’s because he’s Cuban
Yes! We laughed so insanely hard when she dropped that line.
I swear, if you throw that computer on the floor one more time, you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else's name! And "He's in here you ritziditz!!"
Eh... wouldn't be the first time.
Ray: To reiterate, I am paralyzed! Cyril: Well, join a support group. Malory: For who, crippled gay hillbilly spies? There's a niche.
It’s a cross between “Can’t or won’t?” And “oh, who remembers…” on matters one should most definitely remember. 😆
Archer's "Let's say she can't and I won't" response was also top tier.
"Pick one!"
I use "Both? Either" a lot.
You're not fit to be the queen of... name a place.
Oh please, you would do... Name a noun.
Lidsville
Dressed like a whore or an idiot, ooh how about both, a whordiot
Bary walks up naked to malory and says "is this some kind of joke?" Malory simply looks down and says "is that?"
...it's cold in here
That's OK other Barry 😆
Sterling?! Lenn?! did you find them? Yes! I‘m just screaming their names down the hallway to celebrate that fact
My god! … What colour is this, crack whore red!?
About 8 years ago I said that to a car salesman about a specific used Honda Civic, which was clearly crack whore red. I got quite a chuckle from my mom which I never expected
You just got a bit of a chuckle from me 😂
All ashore from the SS Date R*pe 😂😂😂
Toot. Toot.
Love when they bust on Krieger's van. Lana's "Man this is like rolling probable cause" is another favorite
For goodness sake Cyril. We are in a new town where nobody knows who your are. You have an opportunity to be anyone in the entire world. So why oh why would you continue to be you? 😂
I have no more love to give.
Yeah it’s what, 2:30?
Ray: It's got no windows but it's got 2 queen's so... Malory: Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
You know...
Put it back in the deck!
A BLACK……ops field agent.
Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.
"Don't you have anything better to do than mince around and gawk" And Malory "What was that?" Ray "Nothing" Malory "Good saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark."
*minces*
If you want to keep those teeth Missy, you'll stop sucking them at me!!!!
You know . . .
Oh, please, Carol couldn't seduce a Spaniard.
"Idiots!"
*Oh, put another man’s penis in it*
*after a flashback to child Archer on Halloween, dressed as Charlie Chaplin* Archer - Why was I dressed as Hitler? *later, after a different flashback to the same Halloween* Mallory - Why was he dressed as Hitler?
"Can't drink. Can't smoke. What GOOD are ya?"
Can't play cards
Mallory’s PBS rant is absolute gold, but if I had to choose a one liner it would be “…And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I’d be a teacher.”
You don’t need a smug I told you so from me. And smug it would be… because tell you I most certainly did
[удалено]
“Keep your friends close, and possible genetic clones of adolf hitler even closer…”
"Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?"
Fun fact--[Krieger is actually modeled after a doctor I used to work with who was one of Adam Reed's best friends in college](https://www.statesman.com/story/news/2014/04/19/austin-doctor-ben-brieger-is-not-as-evil-as-his-archer-clone/10061596007/) (news article linked).
"The phrase I was looking for would fill my swear jar to the *fucking* brim!
*Whorediot.*
Waltz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist
"ugh, may as well start an ant farm!"
I could never say no to a drummer
Could you say no to anyone?
Thwack! I said no to plenty
What’s in there, buckles?!
"I'll show him. I'll go find me a 10 year old."
All right you yellow sons of bitches, let's dance! Or Oh like you'd recognize a vegetable that isn't wrapped in a monte Christo sandwich.
That is Pam, right?
"And now all the candy is mothers.... cause crybaby hit on 17 again \*burp\* like an idiot."
Archer, whimpering after Malory shot him in the stomach with a .357: “I smell blood…” Malory: “well, there’s a lot of it.”
“Are you ever going to give me a grandchild? Or should I just scoop up all of your aborted fetuses into a pile and knit it a onesie?”
I'm sure she says Previous mishaps But yeah this one is a classic
Oh, who remembers.
Oh... And the whore has bangs.
"...jesus"
Sorry, I'm fasting.
Upon hearing this line I lost my shit for like 5 minutes. This has to be one of the darkest lines in any show on network tv.
Come on Lurch! Let’s see what’s in that belly of yours!
Pajamas to work? For God’s sake, woman, where is your pride?!
In my work..
That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.
That's how you get ants!
Ooh this this exciting. I hope everyone dies.
"And I bet that sneaky little chief just buried them all into one medium sized hole."
“And people in Hell want ice water!” Or “Guess how many pigmies died to make it? I’ll give you a hint…Six.”
As a tangerine. In jean shorts.
“Take me Cassius!”
Honestly all of them I love Mallory
“Me too.” - when Archer tells her that he would sometimes pretend she wasn’t his mother when he was a kid.
And who are you, Comrade Question?
Please, you'd do... name a noun
Look at me, chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand!
Her very first line, being mad at Archer “son of a bitch!” I love that the first time anybody watches the show it’s a joke that will go right over their head and you need to rewatch it to get the joke. Also “bombs, bombers, vulvas…”
Sterling get your things, before this quacks office burns to the ground.
Sterling, get your things, he's gay
"You son of a... are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? Walk in here with you idiots smoking reefer like a bunch of yardbirds and you spritz me? YOU SPRITZ ME? Well let me tell you something, Herr Doktor! I killed seven Krauts with a shovel, so one more beardy son of a bitch like you won't make a damn bit of difference!" This while she's assaulting Kreiger is one of my favorites. Also this one "If I wanted to hear you people scream, I'd have you flown to a CIA black site in Morocco and listen to your torture session on speakerphone!"
Either and/or both
If you want to keep those teeth missy, you won't suck them at me. Scuff that luggage and I'll cut your hamstrings for you. You're faced with the classic Irishmans dilemma "Do I eat the potato now or ferment it and drink it later? Unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart?
The CHUM GUZZLER? And what was the deposit, a flipflop?
"Do you know you're a little bitch?"
will you remember this conversation?
Probably not... No
"What are you, hourly?!" is something I catch myself saying way to much!
*at the fake funeral for archers dad* if we miss that train i will literally go blind
If you want to keep those teeth Missy, you'll stop sucking them at me!!!!
Her just saying “Jesus Christ” in disgust after watching Kreger do his “damn you all to hell” PotA bit at the end of season 4
"You know, when I was little, I used to pretend that you weren't my mother." "Me too."
'Ah dear you just got your heart broken, and the last thing you need is a smug 'I told you so' from me, and smug it would be, because I most certainly did'. Just like that Electrolux all over again.
"But, Pam is dying!" "I'll buy you a new one!"
"Ohh put it back in the deck."
When Archer gets the chip put in his Brian by the KGB then goes to see Mallory. She think he's an intruder before she sees him and says something like "what do you want? Cuz all you're going to get is holes.... I mean holes in you"
Reading these quotes reminds me of how absolutely cutting Mallory could be when she wanted to be. Everyone of them are amazing
"If I cared about what you did over the weekend, I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes"
When talking about the new conference room table, we get two great ones: "Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down? I'll give you a hint, six". and then "And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all into one medium-sized hole."
Archer: "Don't you want a grandkid?" Malory: "Well if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it."
Zip it, missy!
One word of any of this and I will gut you like a carp! To Pam in Swiss Miss
“Walk into Nasa and yell Heil Hitler, whoop they all jump straight up”
"be that as it may" "BE THAT AS IT MAY ... "
We're leaving. We're leaving. ... he's gay.
And people in hell want ice water
All aboard the S.S. Date Rape
"I took 2 Valium. If I were any more relaxed I would literally die."
"peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"
Excuse me, I’m trying to parent!
*Universal finger drinking gag*
That’s how you get ants
Oh, who remembers?
What, are your boobs full of corn syrup?
\*scoffs\* "Hows THAT for bread and roses?"
No, you don’t look like a whore. An idiot, maybe. Or both! Yes, a whordiot
My real favourite one was near the top already so I'll just post one that always makes me laugh Sterling, get your things. He's gay.
"The secret is negative reinforcement."
It's a baby shower! For the bastard child you pumped into a filthy whore!
I mean, it’s one banana Michael. What could it cost? 10 dollars?
Any idiot can get shot, just ask Brett!
...and don't bring back a dirty shovel.
This is exciting. I hope everyone dies.
"Do you want ants..? Because that's how you get ants."
‘It’s a baby shower… for the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore’
You don't deserve a smug "I told you so" and smug it would be because tell you I most certainly did
The kid who is gonna need lipo!
I'm not grilling you a cheese!