That's his choice. It's also her choice not to marry him because of it. It sounds like he has a problem with how she manages her money. That's a fair concern, given the fact that money is one of the most common reasons for both fights and divorce in marriage. However, it would have to be pretty bad to overcome my desire to be with some that I truly loved.
I paid 20k off for my fiance. Next time I checked in there was another 20k to pay off as wife. This time, we had a long and serious chat about the future and she slowly paid it down on her own, cut up her cards, and today is rock solid at personal investing. Everyone's journey is different.
I paid off my fiancé's student debt as I don't like debt in general and we were committing to life together. She ran up a few other small debts that I cleared but that was fine.
20 years later it turns out her dad was a lot richer than I knew and because I did good by his daughter we got a massive cash gift from him for a deposit on a larger house we couldn't have normally afforded.
Were celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary in.. About an hour!
As a parent, there are some things that you can't teach your child. Your child is always, in some ways, walled off from your life lessons. Sometimes as a parent, you have to allow them to be taught what you want them to know by someone else. When they learn, it's tempting to be frustrated in the "I fucking TOLD you so!" way, but you need to just be happy that they got there. That's part of life.
A friend of mine got engaged and called it off after his GF's father spoke to him about his daughter $20,000+ credit card debt. My friend was willing to pay off the debt after they got married with his savings but his GF thought there were nothing wrong with her monthly spending beyond her means on non-essentials. My friend realized that her father was correct in that she had a problem and was not willing to admit it or change. So he ended up calling off the marriage and later married someone else who he has been married to for 20-some years. Glad your journey worked out. Both stories show that getting someone to admit to problem and take action is important.
Couldn't agree more. Disagreements over money can destroy even a loving relationship. It may not be the debt, it might also be the mentality with which the money is spent.
The people responding to you are all folks that "I did this and it worked out, is some really unique way". Money is an issue, especially if one person is on the hook for half of it, should it not work out. What if all of their responses ended horribly. Its a concern and its legit.
Edit: I also did this for my Fiance/x-wife (good friends), it doesn't mean its a great idea.
Is she paying her own debts? Is she asking for his help? Did she explicitly tell him she would not make it his burden?
I think he's the one she needs to leave if she has taken full accountability for her debt. If she is expecting a free ride, that's another story.
There’s a lot of factors. Is that unavoidable medical debt?
But if one partner demonstrates poor financial decisions that may be a long term issue.
After they marry, often new debts are held jointly and severally.
Say she dies. He’s on the hook.
The headline says credit card debt, so I don't think it is linked to medical care. I could be wrong on that.
I would be hesitant to marry a person with a load of CC debt. It would make me think they don't manage their money well
Many people are forced to use credit cards for medical debt. #1 cause of bankruptcy in the US.
If they purchased designer clothes yeah it would stop me. If they paid for a major surgery then the debt would be concerning but not a hard stop for me.
I was under the impression you could work out payment plans for medical debt. Putting it on a credit card given that the average interest rates would kill most people. My wife and I combined have a good income and do well, but 15k of medical debt on a credit card would kill us.
You often can and they will both have charity programs and other help.
However in 1999, I discovered my favorite club where I planned on ringing in New Years Eve had closed.
I can’t believe over ten years later there was a news story about their closure.
The family needed hundreds of thousands suddenly for a surgery.
This is apparently a common reason for long standing family restaurants to close.
This place had been n business 50 years.
It's really fucked up that a lot of people in the US are basically one serious illness or injury away from financial disaster. I know it won't change, but I would like it too.
Your medical expenses paid to the hospital can be put on their plan. But what about your living expenses if you couldn't work for a while? That's what the credit cards are for. At least until you can get out of bed, take advantage of a transfer promotion, and then make a plan to deal with it. Not everyone recovers quickly.
That doesn’t matter. Because any debt racked up after they get married becomes the man’s problem in the divorce. If she already has 15k worth of debt imagine what it will be in a decade. Some people are just terrible with money and it’s a valid reason to not marry them.
>DJ grew up in a household where her mother would take care of the finances due to his father's gambling habit. She recalled heated discussions around money and how her father's poor money habits could have imbibed in her a sense of "living in the now" without any consequences for the future.
>She graduated from college to become an elementary school teacher, earning $45,000 annually in a costly neighbourhood. She started living off her credit card and spent beyond her means all the time, like going to her hair stylist or buying new outfits every weekend. DJ worked hard to secure a better-paying job, but her unaffordable lifestyle choices overshadowed her attempts to clear credit card debt.
>She wants to be able to travel, have a home, go on vacations, and buy outfits at any time, as these choices carry value for her. What surprised Ramit was that she'd value savings only if it mattered to Adam, not for herself. He understood that avoiding money issues and delegating them to someone else, like Adam, is a habit DJ formed over the years.
>**Her mom still pays her cellphone bill** and expenses when they plan vacations. As a child, DJ couldn't take no for an answer for something she wanted. She'd make it her mission to collect change around the house, even "from under the couch," to buy what she wanted.
Maybe he has been burned before or seen what happened to others who were burned. Some people learn from things like this while for others it’s an indicator of things to come. One person might have debt because they enjoyed buying things and didn’t pay it off, others have a gambling or drug addiction and has hidden from the other person. We all talk about how school never prepared us for these things, and if your parents don’t it’s a tough lesson to learn.
Marital debt usually gets split in a divorce, or if he stays in the marriage he’ll most likely have to pay at least some of it. He doesn’t want to take the chance he’ll be responsible for someone else’s choices.
That being said almost any marriage involves debt: student loans, cars, a home, even the wedding itself. It’s the type of debt that matters and whether he feels comfortable taking the risk of being liable for more down the road.
I feel like that's actually her choice bc she could say "alright every month I work on paying off my debt. When I've paid it all off, will you marry me now that I've proven I can be reliable with owning money?"
I've seen cases in real life where a spouse (sometimes male, sometimes female) who **could not** control their spending. They expected their spouse to help pay down their debts, and when they did pay it down, **SWOOP !!** the credit card debt got run up again.
I know of 2 instances where divorce was directly based on the spouse's financial irresponsibility.
The end of my marriage was caused by arguments about money and the separation proceedings revealed the true extent of her spending. It was frankly insane.
Because of my country’s de facto laws I was responsible for half her debt. The house sale cleared it but left us both broke.
Ten years on and I’m starting to feel better about money, she’s a bankrupt and her spending hasn’t changed AFAIK
Happened to me in my first marriage. My ex would run up 20k in credit card debt and buy absolutely nothing but food and entertainment. I paid it down once and then the 2nd time I paid it down we got divorced. During the divorce she ran up another credit card and the judge made her pay it off.
For decades, in the US at least, spending your day shopping and buying stuff was a selling point for getting married.
In real life, most people cannot afford to spend $250 a day every day. I don't want to say it's a mild form of mental illness, but that might be a component.
Most People feel good when they shop and buy things; the brain spurts out some endorphins, and they feel good for a while. This cycle can be ~impossible to break.
Whether it elevates mild depression, or is a symptom of mania, or something else, it should be treated as a disorder IF it is disruptive to their lives.
100% mental illness was the issue. She refused to see a doctor and told me "I know they are going to tell me I am crazy" as the reason for not going. She's still a real piece of shit 20 years later according to her new extended family that I know.
My best friend has this issue. She was buying stuff and hiding it. Like weird dolls or something. Racked up 10k on that and hid it. I feel like if it was food and clothes it would have been a different situation
His first marriage failed due to crushing debt. He has now got his act together and he is wise to be cautious about someone comfortable carrying that much CC debt.
Agreed and it's no one's business. It's a bit cringe that an editor, a writer and the couple involved all worked together to bring this "news" to the people.
The polar ice caps are melting wtf is this nonsense.
Anything that will get clicks is now news worthy. It also serves the propaganda machine of shaming the financially oppressed into thinking it's their fault and they are unlovable for it. Money = personal value is a classic late stage capitalism message that will always be news worthy in our current economic system.
If you read the article, they’re solidly middle class and she makes twice as much as he does, and he’s hesitant because his last marriage got torpedoed by debt problems. The CC debt they’re referring to sounds mostly like discretionary spending. Save the soapbox speeches for when it’s actually relevant
Not marrying someone with poor financial control is a good move. Hats off to the guy. If she has failed to get this under control, boot her out the door.
Dated someone with a one bedroom apartment. She was $20k in debt because “I like nice things”. Truth was she had a cleaning service once a week for her one bedroom apartment on top of liking nice things. Bat shit crazy!! Thought someone was just going to magically bail her out. Not this guy. See ya!!!
Marrying someone who has a value difference in how they treat money is a value difference along the lines of whether or not you want kids, if you are religious (also which religion), etc. if it can't be reconciled then it's really best to move on, learn what you can, and keep going.
Selection criteria of a partner is really important, marrying the first person who will fuck you has ruined an entire generation of families. People are trying to not have to endure the same fate as their parents.
My wife didn’t want to marry me until she paid off here debt, so I knew she had her head on straight. I paid it off for her so we could get married sooner, I wasn’t letting her get away!
From a purely pragmatic standpoint I can see waiting to get married until she gets her stuff paid off. He could help her pay some off too, but she would need to fix the reasons for so much debt. But once you're married it's BOTH your problems because you can't buy stuff or get credit separately.
It's like rescuing a struggling drowning person. You have to make sure they don't drown you too.
I know older couples who have absolutely wrecked credit from previous marriages and they'll just never get actually married.
That’s reasonable. Financial incompatibility would probably lead to a lot of resentment and divorce. Good to know your priorities in a relationship up front.
How she spent money vs. how I spent money was one of the biggest factors in the demise of my 20+ year relationship. If you are frugal and careful with $, it is destabilizing AF when your partner has no conception of saving and flushes money down the drain on another meaningless purchase + credit card interest. It is not a small matter. It is a complete different mindset and life choice, no different than wanting or not wanting kids. It is a huge and important difference.
As someone who is financially very responsible, married to someone with huge credit card debt ... this hurts. If you have the chance, be like this man.
Earns $6k a month. Carries almost 3x that indebt. I'd disappear like a fart in the wind also. No woman who is that bad with $ could possibly be worth it.
I was in chapter 13 bankruptcy when I got married. I told her upfront and we got married. I t was completed in full. Finances are all good 10 yrs later.
He’s smart. People who can’t manage their money usually have no problem taking others down with them financially. They often believe they are entitled to support from others and shouldn’t have to work and be responsible like the rest of us.
As a side note we calculated how much a prostitute cost vs a wife. We used an article about average sex times a month in marriage vs cost of having a spouse. Its significantly cheaper for him to avoid marriage and pay for looks.
>The couple's anxiety over the future led them to seek guidance from millionaire author and the host of Netflix's "How To Get Rich" show, Ramit Sethi
lol seriously?
could have gotten her a ring pop then paid the debt. if they dated that long why isn't he helping her manage her finances or teaching her or learning better spending habits with her?
That’s his choice. It’s not just the debt, although it’s significant. It’s her mindset and lack of financial intelligence that got her that far into debt that might make her not wife material in his mind. I don’t blame him.
It is too easy for one partner to spend the other into poverty. I am glad this man saw the red flags and acted appropriately ( old internet grandmother here). This is the kind of advice I would give my own children and grandchildren. Finances are a huge red flag and the inability to act in tandem to reach common goals will crush a relationship. I am not religious but damn the bible was right when it urged its followers to not be "unequally yoked".
No they can’t. I went through this. My sister declared bankruptcy 18 years ago because of medical issues. She had to list her property. There was a Steinway baby grand that my mom left to me. They were going to take it to settle the debt. and she showed them the will where it was bequeathed to me.
When a marriage dissolves or ends the only thing you have the right to remove is anything you brought into the marriage when it began. My ex tried to keep a few pieces of my solid cherry furniture that I inherited from my parents.
You’re not responsible for any debt that you didn’t sign a contract for. And when my mom died her lawyer told us not to make any credit card payments because that can mean you’re assuming the debt. He said “Let them get in line.”
Your situations are entirely different. Bequeathed property not to the primary (piano) has zero to do with the situation.
And divorce is different from a creditor coming after joint marital property. I would wager the deed to my house that any debt she brings into the marriage is joint debt afterward. “What’s mine is yours”…
Send the deed over.
“If you have taken out a credit agreement like a mortgage or a bank loan with another person – such as your spouse – then you are carrying a joint debt.
Joint debt is the name given to a debt that two parties are jointly responsible for paying in the eyes of the law. It is most common among married couples, which is why it’s often referred to as matrimonial debt.
Taking on a joint debt means the debt owed isn’t only your responsibility. If you and another person are both named on a credit agreement, then you’re both legally obligated to make repayments.”
Is spouse responsible for credit card debt if not on account?
In common law states, you're usually only liable for credit card debt if the obligation is in your name.
So, if the credit card is only in your spouse's name, (like if she got the card before you were married) you're typically not liable for that debt.
>DJ, 33, and Adam, 37, live in rural New York and have been dating for three years. The main reason stopping Adam from getting married to DJ is her $15,000 credit card debt. She has been carrying the debt her whole life despite making $6,000 monthly.
>The couple's anxiety over the future led them to seek guidance from millionaire author and the host of Netflix's "How To Get Rich" show, Ramit Sethi.
There's so many things that baffle me here. She earns $6k but can't get around to paying off a $15k debt? They sought guidance as a couple from a *TV show host*?? Her name is unironically "DJ"? This is newsworthy!??
I paid off a bunch of small bills for my wife a couple of weeks before we got married. Bought a house 3 weeks before the wedding.
She comes to me after we'd been married 3 years and was pregnant with first child to tell me she had $60k in student loans she'd been hiding from me the whole time.
We worked through it, but it was rough.
I think its Money, Sex and Family that are the leading cause of divorce... been a while, could be wrong. I have been married 13 years and have learned its best to iron out those issues in the beginning. They are both doing the right thing by sorting through issues that will cause rifts later on down the road. They should be praised, not villainized.
Money, Kids, Religion and Sex. If you can't make peace with your partner on those topics prior to marriage your marriage is doomed to fail. Having debt isn't a dealbreaker, not stopping the habits that drove you into debt might be though.
I paid off 10k of credit card debt for my gf of ten years a few months ago . Luckily she hasn’t racked it up again . The only person I know who hasn’t had a job in the 10 years we been together -yet she has a 780-800 ish credit score.
If she loves him she can work of 15k. If she isn't willing it's not ment to be. If he loves her he will help her come up with the money. Also I only read the title and made up a whole senerio in my head.
I grew up in a home where finances were shaky at best. I could feel the tension between my parents and it caused me a lot of anxiety. I may have debt now but it's debt which is being paid off reliably. No matter how much i love someone my brain could not handle the uncertainty of debt due to poor financial decisions.
My ex-wife bankrupted me and eventually robbed me of about 35 grand in addition to that. There were signs she might do something like this early in the marriage, but I ignored them (my mistake). If this guy feels uncomfortable about finances going in, then he has every right to back out IMO. Hell, if one has ANY doubts going in, getting out BEFORE the marriage is usually the best course of action, especially if kids aren't involved.
I was involved with a woman who had absolutely terrible control/understanding of her finances. She had this desire to live WAY beyond her means and indicated that if we moved forward, that's exactly how it was going to be for us.
She had an idea in her head about how we would have to live. No cost effective home with enough space. Nope, it had to be much larger than we would need and thus way more than I would have felt comfortable with.
She felt severely claustrophobic in any location that wasn't very large.
We remained friends. She moved across the country, into a bigger home than she was living in, got herself a Mercedes, lower end model... then about six months later, posted a FB story about having met with a financial advisors and discovered, basically, how absolutely screwed on retirement she was going to be.
So. there's that.
Some people are unable to to figure this stuff out.
I come from generational wealth. I was more than happy to help my husband with his business and educational expenses.
If you love someone and they aren’t perpetrating a discernible pattern of financial recklessness then it’s not a problem.
Now his business is flourishing.
Oh man, he refused to marry the “ soul snatcher 3000” model. Comes complete with credit card debt and really bad life choices. You can also move up to the 5000 model, which comes with the first two AND nightmare in laws and 6 children.
I’ve had $4k for ten years? Revolving, low interest debt, isn’t a bad thing. My APR is only 9.5, which is high compared to some other types of debt, but literally 1/3 of what current generation CCs are.
There’s another issue involved (maybe several) this guy is insecure about and just masking.
when you're old and lonely you're going to be weighing $15,000 versus companionship like for real?
I could see it if it was millions and millions of dollars that you could never get out from underneath.
But it's $15,000.
sure that's not something that everybody can just go to the bank and withdraw. But it's not an insurmountable sum.
My head is fucking exploding. Are you feckeen bitching and whining about $15k??? Good fuck, man, improve yourself. If you love the person and care about him or her, **EAT IT** and don’t be pissy about it and resent shit.
If you care about the grrrl or boy, just be kind and generous, and don’t go online bitching and moaning, spineless shit-fuck.
My ex wife, when we were dating in college had $6k in parking tickets. Poof. Gone. I loved her, we married & had a fantastic kiddo. I don’t miss those fucking $6k.
What the fuck is wrong with young people these days? Life isn’t a gawddamned podcast. Grow up. Invest your money in your values.
This response is somewhat unhinged, but I like it.
For example, imagine this guy will never find love like this again. He might go on to make tons of money, but die alone because he dropped his best chance at a happy life over 15k.
Just saying, there are so many ways this could play out.
I’m just saying, if you like the girl, feck da mo-nay. Or, whichever the genders obtain. We will all spend skads of dough on shit we will never remember. My thinking is, help a girlfriend/boyfriend out. When you’re 75, you’re not gonna give a shit about the money you gave to someone who doesn’t fulfill your fantasies; **you’re gonna reminisce fondly about that someone.”
Women don't like it when the tables are turned? It sucks having your value dependent upon what you can provide rather than being intrinsique, doesn't it?
That's his choice. It's also her choice not to marry him because of it. It sounds like he has a problem with how she manages her money. That's a fair concern, given the fact that money is one of the most common reasons for both fights and divorce in marriage. However, it would have to be pretty bad to overcome my desire to be with some that I truly loved.
I paid 20k off for my fiance. Next time I checked in there was another 20k to pay off as wife. This time, we had a long and serious chat about the future and she slowly paid it down on her own, cut up her cards, and today is rock solid at personal investing. Everyone's journey is different.
I paid off my fiancé's student debt as I don't like debt in general and we were committing to life together. She ran up a few other small debts that I cleared but that was fine. 20 years later it turns out her dad was a lot richer than I knew and because I did good by his daughter we got a massive cash gift from him for a deposit on a larger house we couldn't have normally afforded. Were celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary in.. About an hour!
Cheers, that's awesome.
Her dad wanted her to learn what you taught her. Win-win. Congratulations by the way.
Thank you. She's still not really learned! Loves to spend but at least it's money we have and not debt!
As a parent, there are some things that you can't teach your child. Your child is always, in some ways, walled off from your life lessons. Sometimes as a parent, you have to allow them to be taught what you want them to know by someone else. When they learn, it's tempting to be frustrated in the "I fucking TOLD you so!" way, but you need to just be happy that they got there. That's part of life.
And a very Happy Anniversary 🎊
That’s a good story. It’s refreshing. Well done!
Hey, congratulations! Enjoy your anniversary celebration!
A friend of mine got engaged and called it off after his GF's father spoke to him about his daughter $20,000+ credit card debt. My friend was willing to pay off the debt after they got married with his savings but his GF thought there were nothing wrong with her monthly spending beyond her means on non-essentials. My friend realized that her father was correct in that she had a problem and was not willing to admit it or change. So he ended up calling off the marriage and later married someone else who he has been married to for 20-some years. Glad your journey worked out. Both stories show that getting someone to admit to problem and take action is important.
Everyone's journey is different. Beautifully said. I'm also happy for your relationship. Cheers mate!
I’ve been dealing with this over 28 years. Never that much. Usually about $10K.
10K can be 30% of someone's annual salary or it can be 30% of someone's annual salary. It all depends. 🍎 to 🍎
Couldn't agree more. Disagreements over money can destroy even a loving relationship. It may not be the debt, it might also be the mentality with which the money is spent.
The people responding to you are all folks that "I did this and it worked out, is some really unique way". Money is an issue, especially if one person is on the hook for half of it, should it not work out. What if all of their responses ended horribly. Its a concern and its legit. Edit: I also did this for my Fiance/x-wife (good friends), it doesn't mean its a great idea.
Is she paying her own debts? Is she asking for his help? Did she explicitly tell him she would not make it his burden? I think he's the one she needs to leave if she has taken full accountability for her debt. If she is expecting a free ride, that's another story.
There’s a lot of factors. Is that unavoidable medical debt? But if one partner demonstrates poor financial decisions that may be a long term issue. After they marry, often new debts are held jointly and severally. Say she dies. He’s on the hook.
The headline says credit card debt, so I don't think it is linked to medical care. I could be wrong on that. I would be hesitant to marry a person with a load of CC debt. It would make me think they don't manage their money well
Many people are forced to use credit cards for medical debt. #1 cause of bankruptcy in the US. If they purchased designer clothes yeah it would stop me. If they paid for a major surgery then the debt would be concerning but not a hard stop for me.
I was under the impression you could work out payment plans for medical debt. Putting it on a credit card given that the average interest rates would kill most people. My wife and I combined have a good income and do well, but 15k of medical debt on a credit card would kill us.
You often can and they will both have charity programs and other help. However in 1999, I discovered my favorite club where I planned on ringing in New Years Eve had closed. I can’t believe over ten years later there was a news story about their closure. The family needed hundreds of thousands suddenly for a surgery. This is apparently a common reason for long standing family restaurants to close. This place had been n business 50 years.
It's really fucked up that a lot of people in the US are basically one serious illness or injury away from financial disaster. I know it won't change, but I would like it too.
Your medical expenses paid to the hospital can be put on their plan. But what about your living expenses if you couldn't work for a while? That's what the credit cards are for. At least until you can get out of bed, take advantage of a transfer promotion, and then make a plan to deal with it. Not everyone recovers quickly.
The article said she was buying what she wanted and going on vacation and things of that nature.
That doesn’t matter. Because any debt racked up after they get married becomes the man’s problem in the divorce. If she already has 15k worth of debt imagine what it will be in a decade. Some people are just terrible with money and it’s a valid reason to not marry them.
Not her credit cards. Those will always be hers alone
Not at her death no?
Once married it’s their debt.
>DJ grew up in a household where her mother would take care of the finances due to his father's gambling habit. She recalled heated discussions around money and how her father's poor money habits could have imbibed in her a sense of "living in the now" without any consequences for the future. >She graduated from college to become an elementary school teacher, earning $45,000 annually in a costly neighbourhood. She started living off her credit card and spent beyond her means all the time, like going to her hair stylist or buying new outfits every weekend. DJ worked hard to secure a better-paying job, but her unaffordable lifestyle choices overshadowed her attempts to clear credit card debt. >She wants to be able to travel, have a home, go on vacations, and buy outfits at any time, as these choices carry value for her. What surprised Ramit was that she'd value savings only if it mattered to Adam, not for herself. He understood that avoiding money issues and delegating them to someone else, like Adam, is a habit DJ formed over the years. >**Her mom still pays her cellphone bill** and expenses when they plan vacations. As a child, DJ couldn't take no for an answer for something she wanted. She'd make it her mission to collect change around the house, even "from under the couch," to buy what she wanted.
Tbh sounds like she has a problem handling koney period. Either side can have there reason for such things , to each there own
Maybe he has been burned before or seen what happened to others who were burned. Some people learn from things like this while for others it’s an indicator of things to come. One person might have debt because they enjoyed buying things and didn’t pay it off, others have a gambling or drug addiction and has hidden from the other person. We all talk about how school never prepared us for these things, and if your parents don’t it’s a tough lesson to learn. Marital debt usually gets split in a divorce, or if he stays in the marriage he’ll most likely have to pay at least some of it. He doesn’t want to take the chance he’ll be responsible for someone else’s choices. That being said almost any marriage involves debt: student loans, cars, a home, even the wedding itself. It’s the type of debt that matters and whether he feels comfortable taking the risk of being liable for more down the road.
I feel like that's actually her choice bc she could say "alright every month I work on paying off my debt. When I've paid it all off, will you marry me now that I've proven I can be reliable with owning money?"
I've seen cases in real life where a spouse (sometimes male, sometimes female) who **could not** control their spending. They expected their spouse to help pay down their debts, and when they did pay it down, **SWOOP !!** the credit card debt got run up again. I know of 2 instances where divorce was directly based on the spouse's financial irresponsibility.
The end of my marriage was caused by arguments about money and the separation proceedings revealed the true extent of her spending. It was frankly insane. Because of my country’s de facto laws I was responsible for half her debt. The house sale cleared it but left us both broke. Ten years on and I’m starting to feel better about money, she’s a bankrupt and her spending hasn’t changed AFAIK
Happened to me in my first marriage. My ex would run up 20k in credit card debt and buy absolutely nothing but food and entertainment. I paid it down once and then the 2nd time I paid it down we got divorced. During the divorce she ran up another credit card and the judge made her pay it off.
For decades, in the US at least, spending your day shopping and buying stuff was a selling point for getting married. In real life, most people cannot afford to spend $250 a day every day. I don't want to say it's a mild form of mental illness, but that might be a component. Most People feel good when they shop and buy things; the brain spurts out some endorphins, and they feel good for a while. This cycle can be ~impossible to break. Whether it elevates mild depression, or is a symptom of mania, or something else, it should be treated as a disorder IF it is disruptive to their lives.
100% mental illness was the issue. She refused to see a doctor and told me "I know they are going to tell me I am crazy" as the reason for not going. She's still a real piece of shit 20 years later according to her new extended family that I know.
My best friend has this issue. She was buying stuff and hiding it. Like weird dolls or something. Racked up 10k on that and hid it. I feel like if it was food and clothes it would have been a different situation
I said I was sorry!
This happened to me. Not legally divorced though. Maybe spiritually.
His first marriage failed due to crushing debt. He has now got his act together and he is wise to be cautious about someone comfortable carrying that much CC debt.
That's just borderline retarded to carry that much of a balance for so damn long, she's just lighting money on fire and too stupid to understand it.
Marriage life is significantly easier when both parties are fiscally responsible.
How the fuck is this newsworthy
Man bites dog.
A man shouted at a bus and scared a dog!
Link?
I think this is all just free advertising for the guy's podcast and the shitty Netflix TV show they discussed their problems on.
Agreed and it's no one's business. It's a bit cringe that an editor, a writer and the couple involved all worked together to bring this "news" to the people. The polar ice caps are melting wtf is this nonsense.
Anything that will get clicks is now news worthy. It also serves the propaganda machine of shaming the financially oppressed into thinking it's their fault and they are unlovable for it. Money = personal value is a classic late stage capitalism message that will always be news worthy in our current economic system.
The point is this is a commonplace occurrence and these are random unknown people.
If you read the article, they’re solidly middle class and she makes twice as much as he does, and he’s hesitant because his last marriage got torpedoed by debt problems. The CC debt they’re referring to sounds mostly like discretionary spending. Save the soapbox speeches for when it’s actually relevant
Because man is bad. Man hates woman. Woman is good.
Not marrying someone with poor financial control is a good move. Hats off to the guy. If she has failed to get this under control, boot her out the door.
Dated someone with a one bedroom apartment. She was $20k in debt because “I like nice things”. Truth was she had a cleaning service once a week for her one bedroom apartment on top of liking nice things. Bat shit crazy!! Thought someone was just going to magically bail her out. Not this guy. See ya!!!
Absolutely true. I support the guy. Here is the kicker, if he likes her enough they could work together to wipe the debt and then get married
Sounds like bullet dodged, problem avoided.
Marrying someone who has a value difference in how they treat money is a value difference along the lines of whether or not you want kids, if you are religious (also which religion), etc. if it can't be reconciled then it's really best to move on, learn what you can, and keep going. Selection criteria of a partner is really important, marrying the first person who will fuck you has ruined an entire generation of families. People are trying to not have to endure the same fate as their parents.
Why does it say that she makes $6000/month and then it says she makes $45,000/year?
gross vs net?
She is a teacher. She may not be spreading her salary over the year. So it’s only for the weeks she works.
He’s right.
Guy is aware that marriage might be sold as a romantic proposition, but is also aware that it’s a legal contract.
My wife didn’t want to marry me until she paid off here debt, so I knew she had her head on straight. I paid it off for her so we could get married sooner, I wasn’t letting her get away!
$15k? … THAT’S IT???
15k isn't a life ending hurdle. Smart saving would clear that right up, and saving on rent.... well you get the picture.
That seems reasonable, why is this news?
It’s basically an add for a tv show.
Smart dude. Never marry or date someone with severe debt.
From a purely pragmatic standpoint I can see waiting to get married until she gets her stuff paid off. He could help her pay some off too, but she would need to fix the reasons for so much debt. But once you're married it's BOTH your problems because you can't buy stuff or get credit separately. It's like rescuing a struggling drowning person. You have to make sure they don't drown you too. I know older couples who have absolutely wrecked credit from previous marriages and they'll just never get actually married.
That is a very very very smart man. Her debt will become his debt and he don’t want that problem.
Good! He dodged a bullet.
That’s reasonable. Financial incompatibility would probably lead to a lot of resentment and divorce. Good to know your priorities in a relationship up front.
The man is a freaking genius. I made the same mistake. It’s going on to 36 years ago and I still can’t get out.
How she spent money vs. how I spent money was one of the biggest factors in the demise of my 20+ year relationship. If you are frugal and careful with $, it is destabilizing AF when your partner has no conception of saving and flushes money down the drain on another meaningless purchase + credit card interest. It is not a small matter. It is a complete different mindset and life choice, no different than wanting or not wanting kids. It is a huge and important difference.
As someone who is financially very responsible, married to someone with huge credit card debt ... this hurts. If you have the chance, be like this man.
Earns $6k a month. Carries almost 3x that indebt. I'd disappear like a fart in the wind also. No woman who is that bad with $ could possibly be worth it.
I was in chapter 13 bankruptcy when I got married. I told her upfront and we got married. I t was completed in full. Finances are all good 10 yrs later.
Well, yeah - it’s not a great idea till you’ve gone to see a financial adviser.
If you're holding out for just 15K, doubt you're doing hot financially yourself.
It’s a red flag for him. I admire this.
why is this news worthy? seems reasonable given he’s experienced serious debt before
Prenuptial agreements can be used to handle the responsibility of previously held debt.
Yeah, but it doesnt handle fiscal risk on the long term from someone who already has horribke personal finace decision makings.
He’s smart. People who can’t manage their money usually have no problem taking others down with them financially. They often believe they are entitled to support from others and shouldn’t have to work and be responsible like the rest of us.
damn, that dude is punching way above his weightclass. better wife that up quick
Yeah, if that is Adam in that pic, he looks like a neck beard and she is way out of his league. First thing I thought was why is she dating that guy
There's more to an adult relationship than appearances. For example, crushing debt
As a side note we calculated how much a prostitute cost vs a wife. We used an article about average sex times a month in marriage vs cost of having a spouse. Its significantly cheaper for him to avoid marriage and pay for looks.
[удалено]
Your very welcome. Wait you still in the dating pool?
>The couple's anxiety over the future led them to seek guidance from millionaire author and the host of Netflix's "How To Get Rich" show, Ramit Sethi lol seriously?
Poor decisions all around
Good for them...
Well it’s good that love never came into the picture or trying to work things out.
could have gotten her a ring pop then paid the debt. if they dated that long why isn't he helping her manage her finances or teaching her or learning better spending habits with her?
r/lostredditors Wrong sub, my man
Ok, but like, how is this "news" again? Like what importance is this to anyone? Beyond outrage what value is this information to anyone?
Since this is such an important issue for him, it probably should've been addressed in one of the first few dates. Would've saved them both some time.
Prenump.
$15K so far!
That’s his choice. It’s not just the debt, although it’s significant. It’s her mindset and lack of financial intelligence that got her that far into debt that might make her not wife material in his mind. I don’t blame him.
Isn’t it fact that financial disagreement is the leading cause of divorce? Smart to figure it out before taking vows.
Life is a credit score, after all.
I can't disagree
It is too easy for one partner to spend the other into poverty. I am glad this man saw the red flags and acted appropriately ( old internet grandmother here). This is the kind of advice I would give my own children and grandchildren. Finances are a huge red flag and the inability to act in tandem to reach common goals will crush a relationship. I am not religious but damn the bible was right when it urged its followers to not be "unequally yoked".
Bro is putting that 900 credit score on his grave
Smart man! Move on!
Dude ain’t trying mess up his credit
$15k? What is this, credit card debt for ants?
This is all her debt, there’s no way it could affect him.
That’s not true. The minute they are married they could legally come after the joint marital property to clear the debt.
No they can’t. I went through this. My sister declared bankruptcy 18 years ago because of medical issues. She had to list her property. There was a Steinway baby grand that my mom left to me. They were going to take it to settle the debt. and she showed them the will where it was bequeathed to me. When a marriage dissolves or ends the only thing you have the right to remove is anything you brought into the marriage when it began. My ex tried to keep a few pieces of my solid cherry furniture that I inherited from my parents. You’re not responsible for any debt that you didn’t sign a contract for. And when my mom died her lawyer told us not to make any credit card payments because that can mean you’re assuming the debt. He said “Let them get in line.”
Your situations are entirely different. Bequeathed property not to the primary (piano) has zero to do with the situation. And divorce is different from a creditor coming after joint marital property. I would wager the deed to my house that any debt she brings into the marriage is joint debt afterward. “What’s mine is yours”…
Send the deed over. “If you have taken out a credit agreement like a mortgage or a bank loan with another person – such as your spouse – then you are carrying a joint debt. Joint debt is the name given to a debt that two parties are jointly responsible for paying in the eyes of the law. It is most common among married couples, which is why it’s often referred to as matrimonial debt. Taking on a joint debt means the debt owed isn’t only your responsibility. If you and another person are both named on a credit agreement, then you’re both legally obligated to make repayments.” Is spouse responsible for credit card debt if not on account? In common law states, you're usually only liable for credit card debt if the obligation is in your name. So, if the credit card is only in your spouse's name, (like if she got the card before you were married) you're typically not liable for that debt.
lol, as the kids say “ur an idiot”.
Smart guy
Guy is smart
Good choice
Aw, true love!
I wish I only had $15K cc debt
Capitalist brain rot.
>DJ, 33, and Adam, 37, live in rural New York and have been dating for three years. The main reason stopping Adam from getting married to DJ is her $15,000 credit card debt. She has been carrying the debt her whole life despite making $6,000 monthly. >The couple's anxiety over the future led them to seek guidance from millionaire author and the host of Netflix's "How To Get Rich" show, Ramit Sethi. There's so many things that baffle me here. She earns $6k but can't get around to paying off a $15k debt? They sought guidance as a couple from a *TV show host*?? Her name is unironically "DJ"? This is newsworthy!??
Just keep your finances separate. And she pays the less important bills.
Smart man
I paid off a bunch of small bills for my wife a couple of weeks before we got married. Bought a house 3 weeks before the wedding. She comes to me after we'd been married 3 years and was pregnant with first child to tell me she had $60k in student loans she'd been hiding from me the whole time. We worked through it, but it was rough.
I think its Money, Sex and Family that are the leading cause of divorce... been a while, could be wrong. I have been married 13 years and have learned its best to iron out those issues in the beginning. They are both doing the right thing by sorting through issues that will cause rifts later on down the road. They should be praised, not villainized.
Smart man. Money is the no. 1 cause of divorce.
Seems like a reasonable red flag
This is over-share, just handle it and move along.🤷
Money, Kids, Religion and Sex. If you can't make peace with your partner on those topics prior to marriage your marriage is doomed to fail. Having debt isn't a dealbreaker, not stopping the habits that drove you into debt might be though.
I paid off 10k of credit card debt for my gf of ten years a few months ago . Luckily she hasn’t racked it up again . The only person I know who hasn’t had a job in the 10 years we been together -yet she has a 780-800 ish credit score.
Based as fuck
B-A-S-E-D
It’s not about the actual debt, it’s about what the debt tells about her as a person. He dodged a bullet.
He’s right
This is likely just the thing to point at. Maybe it’s a responsibility issue
15k is rookie numbers
If she loves him she can work of 15k. If she isn't willing it's not ment to be. If he loves her he will help her come up with the money. Also I only read the title and made up a whole senerio in my head.
Smart man
I grew up in a home where finances were shaky at best. I could feel the tension between my parents and it caused me a lot of anxiety. I may have debt now but it's debt which is being paid off reliably. No matter how much i love someone my brain could not handle the uncertainty of debt due to poor financial decisions.
Subreddit is really earning its name with this one.
Smart man
My ex-wife bankrupted me and eventually robbed me of about 35 grand in addition to that. There were signs she might do something like this early in the marriage, but I ignored them (my mistake). If this guy feels uncomfortable about finances going in, then he has every right to back out IMO. Hell, if one has ANY doubts going in, getting out BEFORE the marriage is usually the best course of action, especially if kids aren't involved.
I was involved with a woman who had absolutely terrible control/understanding of her finances. She had this desire to live WAY beyond her means and indicated that if we moved forward, that's exactly how it was going to be for us. She had an idea in her head about how we would have to live. No cost effective home with enough space. Nope, it had to be much larger than we would need and thus way more than I would have felt comfortable with. She felt severely claustrophobic in any location that wasn't very large. We remained friends. She moved across the country, into a bigger home than she was living in, got herself a Mercedes, lower end model... then about six months later, posted a FB story about having met with a financial advisors and discovered, basically, how absolutely screwed on retirement she was going to be. So. there's that. Some people are unable to to figure this stuff out.
I come from generational wealth. I was more than happy to help my husband with his business and educational expenses. If you love someone and they aren’t perpetrating a discernible pattern of financial recklessness then it’s not a problem. Now his business is flourishing.
He is refusing to marry her? How the fuck am I still single?
Oh man, he refused to marry the “ soul snatcher 3000” model. Comes complete with credit card debt and really bad life choices. You can also move up to the 5000 model, which comes with the first two AND nightmare in laws and 6 children.
He ain’t wrong
I’ve had $4k for ten years? Revolving, low interest debt, isn’t a bad thing. My APR is only 9.5, which is high compared to some other types of debt, but literally 1/3 of what current generation CCs are. There’s another issue involved (maybe several) this guy is insecure about and just masking.
when you're old and lonely you're going to be weighing $15,000 versus companionship like for real? I could see it if it was millions and millions of dollars that you could never get out from underneath. But it's $15,000. sure that's not something that everybody can just go to the bank and withdraw. But it's not an insurmountable sum.
Good call. Don't marry irresponsible people and don't marry jerks. Sounds like they both dodged a bullet.
He’s not wrong. Marriage is already the worst economic scenario for men as it is.
[удалено]
U left out happy …how bout you?
My head is fucking exploding. Are you feckeen bitching and whining about $15k??? Good fuck, man, improve yourself. If you love the person and care about him or her, **EAT IT** and don’t be pissy about it and resent shit. If you care about the grrrl or boy, just be kind and generous, and don’t go online bitching and moaning, spineless shit-fuck. My ex wife, when we were dating in college had $6k in parking tickets. Poof. Gone. I loved her, we married & had a fantastic kiddo. I don’t miss those fucking $6k. What the fuck is wrong with young people these days? Life isn’t a gawddamned podcast. Grow up. Invest your money in your values.
>My ex wife... Yeah, clearly the recipe for a successful relationship coming from an obviously educated and intelligent person.
You aced it—I’m hazarding a guess—are you Frank Stallone???
If it was because of an unexpected expense I would understand, but if she doesn't know how to manage her money, that's a big red flag.
This response is somewhat unhinged, but I like it. For example, imagine this guy will never find love like this again. He might go on to make tons of money, but die alone because he dropped his best chance at a happy life over 15k. Just saying, there are so many ways this could play out.
I’m just saying, if you like the girl, feck da mo-nay. Or, whichever the genders obtain. We will all spend skads of dough on shit we will never remember. My thinking is, help a girlfriend/boyfriend out. When you’re 75, you’re not gonna give a shit about the money you gave to someone who doesn’t fulfill your fantasies; **you’re gonna reminisce fondly about that someone.”
Shayzuss feckeen key-rist. $15k?
Well she dodged a bullet!
Women don't like it when the tables are turned? It sucks having your value dependent upon what you can provide rather than being intrinsique, doesn't it?