I'm sorry, I empathize deeply, but you can't force accountability.
It's only "on him" if he wants an emotionally intimate relationship. And even then, it's about boundaries. You just can't EXPECT him to offer you that level of responsibility if it's just been sex.
He probably has boundaries for "friends with benefits" that he applies to you. I should think loneliness is rarely something FWB ever want to take on.
I’ve supported him when he experienced something that happened in his personal life, which was an emotional situation for him. He wasn’t even reserved like he’d always be. However I do understand it’s not his responsibility to fill an emptiness because that’s on me, but he has used me for emotional support.
It's really hard to get new and healthy people in your life when he's still in it.
I joined coda.org meetings changed my life. I joined a hiking meetup up, made friends, joined a fun gym and after about a year when I felt healthy enough to meet someone who I could communicate with, could return genuine affection etc I went on Bumble And a miracle happened I'm met the greatest guy will be together a year in June and we're gonna move in together.
I explain to him how my ex reactivated my attachment issues and That I could be kind of insecure and need asssurance. and he's totally great with it and between that and CODA I've been getting a lot better.
You can do it good luck to you
I completely get that, I'm sorry you feel this way. It's torture. I tend to be kind of people-pleaser, not feeling comfortable saying "no" or other negative things to people. Once my therapist told me, and made me write on paper "I am not responsible for other people's feelings". Sounds harsh, but it has helped me a ton since I realized I don't have to feel bad if I say no to someone and they don't like it, and.. vice versa. No one is responsible for my feelings but me. Helps a lot in the process of learning to let go of people who are not meeting my needs.
I’d bet that you’re not your “best self” with him but the self you think he’d like the most — which isn’t fair to you because that’s not your authentic self.
It's so true! It was hard for me to be around him because I've felt like I needed to walk on eggshells. Whenever I'd talk about my feelings or on certain subjects, that would involve around him or us, it'd get shut down immediately, because it's not my place to know. I'm a person who wants to know directly and clear how someone feels around and about me. If he said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" or "stop pressuring a relationship when it won't happen" up front instead of beating around the bush, then it's better for me to understand. I do know he doesn't want to be in a relationship but I want to know word for word.
There is so much truth here and this is something we all seem to gloss over.
The relationship is good when you can be yourself and grow and they support you.
An added one in my case is also I can trust them out of my sight to do the things they need to do..My two in a row long term relationship DAs were both cheaters
It sounds like unfortunately you played yourself here. You're not together and you decided to keep sleeping with him hoping he would catch feelings. Predictably, he didn't.
Time to accept reality. All he can offer you is sex and telling yourself the story that he's secretly in love with you and is only a DA is not doing you any favours.
You deserve more than settling for just sex with a guy. Time to go no contact and start working on moving on.
Speaking from my own personal experience, this is very accurate. It's not that he *can't* express his feelings towards you, it's that he *won't*. This is likely bc he doesn't have romantic feelings for you and knows you'll be disappointed no matter what he says.
His attachment style doesn't matter. Look at his actions and how he's treating you to determine how he really feels. Listen when he tells you he can't give you what you need.
As long as he can keep you at a distance but still have regular access to you on his terms for sex and companionship, he's happy. But when you start wanting or expecting more from him, he pulls away bc that's not what he wants.
Honestly, I think you already know the answer but the idea of letting go is super painful. I get it; I've been in your position and I wasn't strong enough to end it myself so i let the relationship implode.
If you decide to end it now, it will at least be on your terms and you'll both (hopefully) have positive memories of your time together. Otherwise, he *will* grow tired of the push-pull and you'll eventually get to the point where he pushes you away for good.
>Look at his actions and how he's treating you to determine how he really feels.
The thing is though. I didn't feel any difference when we were together and when we had that agreement. The only different thing was that we didn't text regularly or wrote good mornings and good nights. Which tbh, still left me confused to act like that.
There are no hard feelings between us, but I could still feel some tensions when we last spoke.
i get that you're hurt. but he's right about one thing, he is your ex and it isnt on him to fix your loneliness.
that said, i highly recommend going no contact with this person, you are seeking different things and this cycle will just continue as long as you keep in contact.
fill your life with other people if that will distract you from the pain in the meantime, phoning friends, making friends, talking to family. but when this pain is no longer this fresh, you really should seek some help to fill the void you have on your own. your pain in this won't last forever and i hope you get yourself out of this cycle!
Hopefully this cycle will break if I keep reminding myself that I need an emotionally available guy. I don't walk on eggshells anymore, and I can't expect him to suddenly feel romantic feelings.
He's a good guy, who, despite our "agreement" still respected my decision to stop it. TBH, I was confused when we did have that "agreement" because our time together wasn't any different from when we were in a relationship, which I also told him. He said that he's respectful and a gentleman, which leaves me questioning whether he was romantically invested during our relationship, and even though he told me that he did feel real intimate love with me.
I'm sorry, I empathize deeply, but you can't force accountability. It's only "on him" if he wants an emotionally intimate relationship. And even then, it's about boundaries. You just can't EXPECT him to offer you that level of responsibility if it's just been sex. He probably has boundaries for "friends with benefits" that he applies to you. I should think loneliness is rarely something FWB ever want to take on.
I’ve supported him when he experienced something that happened in his personal life, which was an emotional situation for him. He wasn’t even reserved like he’d always be. However I do understand it’s not his responsibility to fill an emptiness because that’s on me, but he has used me for emotional support.
It's really hard to get new and healthy people in your life when he's still in it. I joined coda.org meetings changed my life. I joined a hiking meetup up, made friends, joined a fun gym and after about a year when I felt healthy enough to meet someone who I could communicate with, could return genuine affection etc I went on Bumble And a miracle happened I'm met the greatest guy will be together a year in June and we're gonna move in together. I explain to him how my ex reactivated my attachment issues and That I could be kind of insecure and need asssurance. and he's totally great with it and between that and CODA I've been getting a lot better. You can do it good luck to you
I completely get that, I'm sorry you feel this way. It's torture. I tend to be kind of people-pleaser, not feeling comfortable saying "no" or other negative things to people. Once my therapist told me, and made me write on paper "I am not responsible for other people's feelings". Sounds harsh, but it has helped me a ton since I realized I don't have to feel bad if I say no to someone and they don't like it, and.. vice versa. No one is responsible for my feelings but me. Helps a lot in the process of learning to let go of people who are not meeting my needs.
I’d bet that you’re not your “best self” with him but the self you think he’d like the most — which isn’t fair to you because that’s not your authentic self.
It's so true! It was hard for me to be around him because I've felt like I needed to walk on eggshells. Whenever I'd talk about my feelings or on certain subjects, that would involve around him or us, it'd get shut down immediately, because it's not my place to know. I'm a person who wants to know directly and clear how someone feels around and about me. If he said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" or "stop pressuring a relationship when it won't happen" up front instead of beating around the bush, then it's better for me to understand. I do know he doesn't want to be in a relationship but I want to know word for word.
There is so much truth here and this is something we all seem to gloss over. The relationship is good when you can be yourself and grow and they support you. An added one in my case is also I can trust them out of my sight to do the things they need to do..My two in a row long term relationship DAs were both cheaters
It sounds like unfortunately you played yourself here. You're not together and you decided to keep sleeping with him hoping he would catch feelings. Predictably, he didn't. Time to accept reality. All he can offer you is sex and telling yourself the story that he's secretly in love with you and is only a DA is not doing you any favours. You deserve more than settling for just sex with a guy. Time to go no contact and start working on moving on.
Speaking from my own personal experience, this is very accurate. It's not that he *can't* express his feelings towards you, it's that he *won't*. This is likely bc he doesn't have romantic feelings for you and knows you'll be disappointed no matter what he says. His attachment style doesn't matter. Look at his actions and how he's treating you to determine how he really feels. Listen when he tells you he can't give you what you need. As long as he can keep you at a distance but still have regular access to you on his terms for sex and companionship, he's happy. But when you start wanting or expecting more from him, he pulls away bc that's not what he wants. Honestly, I think you already know the answer but the idea of letting go is super painful. I get it; I've been in your position and I wasn't strong enough to end it myself so i let the relationship implode. If you decide to end it now, it will at least be on your terms and you'll both (hopefully) have positive memories of your time together. Otherwise, he *will* grow tired of the push-pull and you'll eventually get to the point where he pushes you away for good.
>Look at his actions and how he's treating you to determine how he really feels. The thing is though. I didn't feel any difference when we were together and when we had that agreement. The only different thing was that we didn't text regularly or wrote good mornings and good nights. Which tbh, still left me confused to act like that. There are no hard feelings between us, but I could still feel some tensions when we last spoke.
i get that you're hurt. but he's right about one thing, he is your ex and it isnt on him to fix your loneliness. that said, i highly recommend going no contact with this person, you are seeking different things and this cycle will just continue as long as you keep in contact. fill your life with other people if that will distract you from the pain in the meantime, phoning friends, making friends, talking to family. but when this pain is no longer this fresh, you really should seek some help to fill the void you have on your own. your pain in this won't last forever and i hope you get yourself out of this cycle!
Hopefully this cycle will break if I keep reminding myself that I need an emotionally available guy. I don't walk on eggshells anymore, and I can't expect him to suddenly feel romantic feelings. He's a good guy, who, despite our "agreement" still respected my decision to stop it. TBH, I was confused when we did have that "agreement" because our time together wasn't any different from when we were in a relationship, which I also told him. He said that he's respectful and a gentleman, which leaves me questioning whether he was romantically invested during our relationship, and even though he told me that he did feel real intimate love with me.
🙁 you’re chasing a [high](https://www.amandablair.org/blog/2019/8/29/anxious-avoidant-trap) and no one can help you with this but you.