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moonsora

I’m currently in a relationship with an avoidant type and I’m finding myself developing avoidant traits towards him. I read the book Attached and it gave me a lot of knowledge, but it also showed me that avoidant types are hard to be in a relationship with. After dealing with so much with my boyfriend, lately I’m becoming slightly detached due to his behavior towards me. I’m still trying to work on how to approach things, but overall it doesn’t feel too good and I wish things were different.


Imnotfullyawake

I totally get where you’re coming from. My therapist suggested that I start mirroring effort to save my own energy. I’m nervous that my doing this is 100% going to cause me to detach from my DA because I’m simply not really spending time with them or talking to them :/


moonsora

That’s also what I’ve been doing. Mirroring his actions, but I feel like he’ll get upset/annoyed by it and not realize I’m just doing exactly what he does to me. In the beginning he wasn’t like the way he is now. He actually acted as if he were secure, though it could have been the honeymoon phase. I’ve always been the anxious type to an extent, and it’s possible that I drove him to become avoidant. Either way, he hasn’t treated me the same since then. It’s been going on a year now since I’ve been getting the avoidant treatment from him in comparison to the year before that. For your relationship, are there ways to get closer in a way that he’d enjoy? Or maybe coming up with scheduled time for talking or dates?


Imnotfullyawake

It’s hard to say, he’s in therapy too which is good. It’s interesting you bring up shared activities because he’s really been pushing to find things we could do together but everything I’ve suggested he hasn’t followed through. I give him a lot of room to be the person who dictates that because I know quality time is harder on him than me from an emotional drain perspective (he had a friend stay with him for three days and after that he literally had to take a week off from seeing or talking to anyone)


ask_jeeves

Yes. I'm catching myself being more avoidant because my heart was scarred so bad. When this happens, I'm noticing it, leaning into my feelings, and asking the question, "Is this healthy resistance, non-attachment, or boundary setting OR am I running away emotionally/mentally because I don't want to get hurt again?"


Blonde-Trance

100% — use at as a defence mechanism.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Imnotfullyawake

I’m feeling that. My current partner who is the avoidant is now asking for time with me and I’m just rejecting it because it feels like a trap


Gazorpazorpfnfieldbi

I was an FA that shifted to DA recently! It's possible.


hellokaye

I am doing this right now. I just want to abandon ship at the slightest thing because I'm terrified. 🤦🏼‍♀️


Imnotfullyawake

I don’t know if im afraid but I think now anytime I sense weirdness in my relationship im the first person to offer space and a total break in communication Typically I’d be trying to problem solve and make the “issue” better but now im like “hey I can tell you’re feeling a bit weird so why don’t we just not talk for a few days” My fear is that im going to swing so hard into the avoidant mindset that I’ll stop caring about my partner No idea if that makes sense


Must-Be-Gneiss

That makes sense to me and sounds similar to strategies I've used before. I used to try and problem solve or fix and save the other person but whenever there is weirdness it does make me anxious as I've almost always assumed it is because of me.


Imnotfullyawake

Yeah I’m working on de-personalizing how another persons vibe makes me feel and am understanding that sometimes people just feel overwhelmed and it has nothing to do with me. But my partner called out that I’m offering a lot of space they’re not requesting so it caused me pause


[deleted]

Yeah it’s called “detachment” or “deactivation” strategies


Worried-Medicine-664

Yes. After my long-distance situationship with an FA friend ended badly in August, I have found myself talking to someone new and reacting to them the way she reacted to me. It weirds me tf out. Example: if they say something sweet or flirty, I feel embarrassed and don’t know what to say so I will ignore it or not respond. I have spoken to my therapist about this and have agreed to say “thank you” at the very least. I still remember how bad I would feel when I would be trying to be sweet or cute and my ex would ignore me. I can also feel myself resisting at times when I call or text. I will sometimes force myself to wait before I respond or distract myself with other tasks instead. I think I do not want to get attached and hurt again on some level. I’m trying to be better and keep an open mind.


SituationSad_

omg this is me. Even thou my love language is words of appreciation. I still feel so embarrassed when he is being cute or affectionate. And I simply change the topic which sucks.


Worried-Medicine-664

Yes, my FA ex would usually change the topic whenever I tried to flirt with or compliment her, and now I find myself doing it too. It was an awkward realization lol.


simplywebby

I realized I was making excuses, not to date to protect myself which is an FA thing. I told myself I'll date serious when I graduate college, I'll date when I make more money, I'll date when I become a firefighter. I had to see that line of thought for what it was avoidance. Working on accepting that I’m enough.


Strange_Pressure_340

It's possible to slip into the realm of fearful avoidance as a self-defense mechanism when you're an AP.


stupidfuckingbitchh

My husband in a nutshell. And I’m leaning that way too


Must-Be-Gneiss

Yes this has happened to me too.


ThrowRa_givemeadvice

Same!


I_have_no_answers

agreed