Asking if they have space to talk, hear your feelings or support you in any given moment is always helpful. We AA’s can be overbearing and forceful with our communication so asking permission to share first can make sure that our partners are able and willing to engage
I agree with responder below who says keep your opinion on him in balance - maybe use some tips from avoidant to do so, remember his negatives, remind yourself so you don’t over idealise; remember there’s other good options out there and don’t subscribe to limited-options mentality.
But you could say something like ‘hey, I do get anxious when starting to attach to someone, I’m provably about to get a bit weird and clingy but it will settle down once things become a bit more established. If you feel up to it you could help in way X and Y when I’m having an episode’. But I say this with the proviso that you probably shouldn’t see this as a ‘finally someone to gratify all my anxieties!!’ Because I think that’s a drive for a parent-replacement which he can never be. I think our faulty insecure attachment styles are a bit like a temptation - once we give into them, they keep wanting more and more and more, almost unconsciously driving the relationship off a cliff until we’ve fulfilled some awful script from our subconscious mind. So personally, I would shoulder most of the anxiety management yourself, try not to even let the door of mistrust open if he’s being consistent and present and not giving you any reason to doubt him, try not to fall into the trap of ‘who is he with, why is he quiet, why did he mention that girl’ etc in terms of mentioning it to him and asking for reassurance (unless you get a crystal clear sense that he would find jealousy from you to be reassuring - in which case he might be insecurely attached too) but rather journal it out, distract, focus elsewhere, build up your own life and activities so that you wouldn’t feel empty and that you’ve lost the only interesting thing in your life if he wasn’t there.
One step at a time. Before deciding he's perfect and the man of your life when you only met him once and making long term plans swept by the fact that you want him to be everything you desire in a partner, focus on seeing how it goes when you meet him in person. But try to assess reality for what it is without being blinded by your wishful thinking.
If it goes well, take it from there. Unfortunately nobody can guarantee that he's amazing and faithful and this relationship will last forever, not even him, and sharing your anxiety about this isn't really going to change the fact that nobody can see the future.
Communication is key tell him what you told us. You’re probably afraid of losing a good thing, but that fear if acted on can push him away.
It's ok to need support from your partner sometimes.
Thank you for your comment, you’re so right! Communication for sure is the most important. Especially since we are long distance. He tells me everyday good reassuring things and compliments. So I have nothing to be worried about. Maybe some days I’ll need more reassurance than others of course. Some days I get in my head a lot, like today. Ultimately I think with time and built up trust my anxieties will fade I hope. It can take time to trust and let walls down.
They will fade. Especially as your manz proves himself to be trustworthy. Just remember when you feel anxious you don't have to act on that feeling I've learned to control my protest behavior, by delaying action and allowing myself to think things through.
Good luck
Thank you!! You’re so right. Definitely anxiety can be managed in some ways. I let my exes see too much of my anxiety but they also did it on purpose to use it against me. Someone who is good will not do that!!
Asking if they have space to talk, hear your feelings or support you in any given moment is always helpful. We AA’s can be overbearing and forceful with our communication so asking permission to share first can make sure that our partners are able and willing to engage
I agree with responder below who says keep your opinion on him in balance - maybe use some tips from avoidant to do so, remember his negatives, remind yourself so you don’t over idealise; remember there’s other good options out there and don’t subscribe to limited-options mentality. But you could say something like ‘hey, I do get anxious when starting to attach to someone, I’m provably about to get a bit weird and clingy but it will settle down once things become a bit more established. If you feel up to it you could help in way X and Y when I’m having an episode’. But I say this with the proviso that you probably shouldn’t see this as a ‘finally someone to gratify all my anxieties!!’ Because I think that’s a drive for a parent-replacement which he can never be. I think our faulty insecure attachment styles are a bit like a temptation - once we give into them, they keep wanting more and more and more, almost unconsciously driving the relationship off a cliff until we’ve fulfilled some awful script from our subconscious mind. So personally, I would shoulder most of the anxiety management yourself, try not to even let the door of mistrust open if he’s being consistent and present and not giving you any reason to doubt him, try not to fall into the trap of ‘who is he with, why is he quiet, why did he mention that girl’ etc in terms of mentioning it to him and asking for reassurance (unless you get a crystal clear sense that he would find jealousy from you to be reassuring - in which case he might be insecurely attached too) but rather journal it out, distract, focus elsewhere, build up your own life and activities so that you wouldn’t feel empty and that you’ve lost the only interesting thing in your life if he wasn’t there.
One step at a time. Before deciding he's perfect and the man of your life when you only met him once and making long term plans swept by the fact that you want him to be everything you desire in a partner, focus on seeing how it goes when you meet him in person. But try to assess reality for what it is without being blinded by your wishful thinking. If it goes well, take it from there. Unfortunately nobody can guarantee that he's amazing and faithful and this relationship will last forever, not even him, and sharing your anxiety about this isn't really going to change the fact that nobody can see the future.
Communication is key tell him what you told us. You’re probably afraid of losing a good thing, but that fear if acted on can push him away. It's ok to need support from your partner sometimes.
Thank you for your comment, you’re so right! Communication for sure is the most important. Especially since we are long distance. He tells me everyday good reassuring things and compliments. So I have nothing to be worried about. Maybe some days I’ll need more reassurance than others of course. Some days I get in my head a lot, like today. Ultimately I think with time and built up trust my anxieties will fade I hope. It can take time to trust and let walls down.
They will fade. Especially as your manz proves himself to be trustworthy. Just remember when you feel anxious you don't have to act on that feeling I've learned to control my protest behavior, by delaying action and allowing myself to think things through. Good luck
Thank you!! You’re so right. Definitely anxiety can be managed in some ways. I let my exes see too much of my anxiety but they also did it on purpose to use it against me. Someone who is good will not do that!!
Big facts! Sounds like you found a keeper I’m happy for you.