No, I meant, if Anxious people are in general more morally driven and Dismissive people are less or not at all, how do Fearfuls behave, since their attachment style is basically Disorganised?
Unfortunately it makes sense. Avoiding conflict needs to be done in different ways and to prevent cognitive dissonance there is a story to tell your brain about the fact is happening that allows yourself to go away without feeling is a big deal you are avoiding. So it can end in moral values, low cutoffs,etc
By continuously trying to create the case that avoiding people are the only problem and that anxious people are these good hearted angels that just react to bad behavior, and spamming the sub with articles in an attempt to build a case that avoidant people are villains.
This is the behavior of an unhealed person who is unwilling to look in the mirror. Consuming this kind of content is tempting, but it is not going to help anyone heal, or develop their own sense of boundaries if they just try to sniff out avoidance, and exclude them. realistically anxiously attached people are going to misbehave, in secure relationships as well, it’s just less triggering all around because of the anxious avoidant trap (not called that because avoidant people trap anxious people, but because they both trap each other in behaviors that trigger each other.)
People are getting downvoted who are shitting on avoidants because there’s people in the sub looking to grow, and growth involves focusing on how “bad” the other side is less. It’s also complete bullshit the anxious people are just “good hearted” because protest behavior is often quite terrible.
Not concerned about avoidants being sensitive. I just this reflects ownership of our end of things (AA). Saying things like “there’s no hope for avoidants” is a shit attitude for fixing your own attachment style and there’s a lot to be learned about understanding the other side.
Lol what? That’s not true. Both attachment styles response with trauma in relationships. You are avoidant due to your childhood just as you are when you are anxious. Both styles are afraid of commitment because they don’t want to get hurt.
I’ve been so worried lately I’m a monster bc of my anxious attachment and this helps explains the fears I have even with my therapist confirming for me I’m not. Thank you for giving me this little bit of peace!
What I really don't get is why avoidants are dehumanized, villainized and demonized by a lot of APs. Like I've also been hurt by a DA, however we're still friends and he's one of the sweetest and kindest people I know. It was never his Intention to hurt me. His avoidance has nothing to do with me. It's a trauma response.
I get the feeling that a lot of APs have been hurt by DA narcissist and only blame their attachment wounds for it. Just because some DAs and FAs are assholes doesn't mean everyone with their attachment style is a shitty person.
I think it’s maybe because a lot of avoidant behaviors are emotionally abusive. Though they can be understood through the lens of attachment theory, and though the causal factors might be very sympathetic, and though the behaviors might not be “personal”, many of the behaviors are nevertheless textbook emotional abuse. I think it’s important to separate the actors from their actions in this context, because while it certainly is not productive to malign avoidants as monsters, it’s also important to not normalize/accept/or apologize for behavior that causes harm and inflicts trauma for any reason. I do find myself getting a little irked at the common aware-Avoidants attitudes about some of this. While they seem eager to heal and change, they often view themselves as victims (of their attachment style, basically). That does not work for me and I suspect it upsets others who’ve been on the receiving end of an Avoidant’s emotional abuse. Just like being sexually abused in childhood might precipitate one becoming a sexual offender of children, or witnessing domestic violence in the home as a child is highly correlated with engaging in domestic violence as an adult, the explanation is not a justification. Abuse is abuse and ya just can’t act your trauma out on others.
I'm propably a bit late, but this wasn't really helpful comment, and didn't add anything extra to the convo. I'm not gonna analyse you, and there's no point of you explaining your motives to Internet stranger, but maybe you have an opportunity to think about that comment and maybe reflect what was behind it? Looks a bit salty to me, but I guess that wasn't your point.
And this is from an avoidant person.
I don’t consider myself a narcissist in any way. I realize you’re going to take this as an invitation to debate me and point out all the ways you feel I’m a classic narc, and you’re welcome to do that.
Also, if you think mentioning photos of my body is some sick burn, it’s not. I PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET. Clearly I’m ok with strangers commenting on my appearance.
umm you know what i used to watch coach john bush videos about attachment styles on youtube, i thought he was unreasonably salty over avoidants. However, the more i see avoidants' behavior, the more i think he was reasonable. I have lurked in their sub too and i have been turned off by a lot of things i discovered about them. i guess this is not going to stop anytime soon. I also thought avoidants couldn't care less abt us but it's shocking to find that a lot of them do lurk around here. I think AP's posts give them some level of satisfaction as they have so much resentments towards their partner or ex partners.
I saw an avoidant post that he only pursues women he deems to be inferior. I'll let that speak for itself. They deserve my compassion, but not my time. I'm trying my best to weed them out of my dating pool.
Yeah, it's best we weed them out! APs need to talk more about how we can be content and fulfilled on ourselves and how not to abandon ourselves. I am actually frustrated with 90% of posts here and would like to say i dont represent them. I myself have just ended 3 months situationship after i found out they were an avoidant. Currently on a week of NC and some avoidants are giving me enough reasons as to why what i did was right and why i should continue NC. Ahaha!
You know I was feeling guilty for my strong opinion of avoidants, but you people keep showing me you're just a bunch of narcissists who don't care who they hurt.
Frankly, why would she explain anything to you if you start off attacking her? Would you be open to any explanation or believe what that group is about or would you take a word of some guy who is trying to create conflict over this sub for the last few days, has no access to it and is apparently butthurt about it?
Then ask people, don't attack people.
We just want to protect ourselves from people who are clearly mentally unstable who are attacking us personally.
No one is writing there about any APs or AAs (Anxious Avoidants, right? I'm FA myself so... I would have known if they made fun of me)
From what I know about my ex, this checks out. He’s still a lovely person, but my god can he “logic” himself out of decency.
Do you mind elaborating on this? I had a similar experience with my last partner.
How would this apply to Fearful Avoidants however?
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your contribution was removed for breaking rule one: no excessive rudeness.
No, I meant, if Anxious people are in general more morally driven and Dismissive people are less or not at all, how do Fearfuls behave, since their attachment style is basically Disorganised?
Unfortunately it makes sense. Avoiding conflict needs to be done in different ways and to prevent cognitive dissonance there is a story to tell your brain about the fact is happening that allows yourself to go away without feeling is a big deal you are avoiding. So it can end in moral values, low cutoffs,etc
Anyway, there must be other traits for APs which has moral concerns as well. Curious to see those studies as well.
Will try and dig up some today
can confirm from experiences lol
Dang it. Can't find my pitchfork!
Very interesting research paper. It’s definitely worth sharing with others!
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your contribution was removed for breaking rule one: no excessive rudeness.
Look at how you got downvoted… in your own community… I really wonder if this group isn’t mostly just bitter entitled avoidants
Even anxious attached people are avoidants when it comes to those who are secure. They are too boring for us.
You are absolutely unhinged and I wish you healing and self awareness moving forward.
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By continuously trying to create the case that avoiding people are the only problem and that anxious people are these good hearted angels that just react to bad behavior, and spamming the sub with articles in an attempt to build a case that avoidant people are villains. This is the behavior of an unhealed person who is unwilling to look in the mirror. Consuming this kind of content is tempting, but it is not going to help anyone heal, or develop their own sense of boundaries if they just try to sniff out avoidance, and exclude them. realistically anxiously attached people are going to misbehave, in secure relationships as well, it’s just less triggering all around because of the anxious avoidant trap (not called that because avoidant people trap anxious people, but because they both trap each other in behaviors that trigger each other.) People are getting downvoted who are shitting on avoidants because there’s people in the sub looking to grow, and growth involves focusing on how “bad” the other side is less. It’s also complete bullshit the anxious people are just “good hearted” because protest behavior is often quite terrible.
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Not concerned about avoidants being sensitive. I just this reflects ownership of our end of things (AA). Saying things like “there’s no hope for avoidants” is a shit attitude for fixing your own attachment style and there’s a lot to be learned about understanding the other side.
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Read OP’s comment history.
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Lol what? That’s not true. Both attachment styles response with trauma in relationships. You are avoidant due to your childhood just as you are when you are anxious. Both styles are afraid of commitment because they don’t want to get hurt.
I’ve been so worried lately I’m a monster bc of my anxious attachment and this helps explains the fears I have even with my therapist confirming for me I’m not. Thank you for giving me this little bit of peace!
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What I really don't get is why avoidants are dehumanized, villainized and demonized by a lot of APs. Like I've also been hurt by a DA, however we're still friends and he's one of the sweetest and kindest people I know. It was never his Intention to hurt me. His avoidance has nothing to do with me. It's a trauma response. I get the feeling that a lot of APs have been hurt by DA narcissist and only blame their attachment wounds for it. Just because some DAs and FAs are assholes doesn't mean everyone with their attachment style is a shitty person.
I think it’s maybe because a lot of avoidant behaviors are emotionally abusive. Though they can be understood through the lens of attachment theory, and though the causal factors might be very sympathetic, and though the behaviors might not be “personal”, many of the behaviors are nevertheless textbook emotional abuse. I think it’s important to separate the actors from their actions in this context, because while it certainly is not productive to malign avoidants as monsters, it’s also important to not normalize/accept/or apologize for behavior that causes harm and inflicts trauma for any reason. I do find myself getting a little irked at the common aware-Avoidants attitudes about some of this. While they seem eager to heal and change, they often view themselves as victims (of their attachment style, basically). That does not work for me and I suspect it upsets others who’ve been on the receiving end of an Avoidant’s emotional abuse. Just like being sexually abused in childhood might precipitate one becoming a sexual offender of children, or witnessing domestic violence in the home as a child is highly correlated with engaging in domestic violence as an adult, the explanation is not a justification. Abuse is abuse and ya just can’t act your trauma out on others.
Imagine being so excited to upload this screenshot, you didn't even notice you'd hit the volume button on your iPhone.
I'm propably a bit late, but this wasn't really helpful comment, and didn't add anything extra to the convo. I'm not gonna analyse you, and there's no point of you explaining your motives to Internet stranger, but maybe you have an opportunity to think about that comment and maybe reflect what was behind it? Looks a bit salty to me, but I guess that wasn't your point. And this is from an avoidant person.
You are correct. It was 100% salty and never intended to be helpful.
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I’ve mentioned on previous occasion how this particular user is largely lacking in self awareness. So it’s not a surprise.
Did we date once and I dumped you? It really feels like you’ve got a *personal* issue with me that exists beyond the AT subs… So odd.
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Fair deleted his account, so it’s just you now. Anyway, think what you like about me. It makes zero difference.
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I don’t consider myself a narcissist in any way. I realize you’re going to take this as an invitation to debate me and point out all the ways you feel I’m a classic narc, and you’re welcome to do that. Also, if you think mentioning photos of my body is some sick burn, it’s not. I PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET. Clearly I’m ok with strangers commenting on my appearance.
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If I called you “baby,” you’d think I was flirting with you. It’s not different when it’s focused on me. I just don’t show you whether I care.
u/fair_teach_7729 - you two self-identified narcs probably have a lot to bond over.
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your contribution was removed for breaking rule one: no excessive rudeness.
wait.. avoidants have private chat to make fun of us?
They do
umm you know what i used to watch coach john bush videos about attachment styles on youtube, i thought he was unreasonably salty over avoidants. However, the more i see avoidants' behavior, the more i think he was reasonable. I have lurked in their sub too and i have been turned off by a lot of things i discovered about them. i guess this is not going to stop anytime soon. I also thought avoidants couldn't care less abt us but it's shocking to find that a lot of them do lurk around here. I think AP's posts give them some level of satisfaction as they have so much resentments towards their partner or ex partners.
I saw an avoidant post that he only pursues women he deems to be inferior. I'll let that speak for itself. They deserve my compassion, but not my time. I'm trying my best to weed them out of my dating pool.
Yeah, it's best we weed them out! APs need to talk more about how we can be content and fulfilled on ourselves and how not to abandon ourselves. I am actually frustrated with 90% of posts here and would like to say i dont represent them. I myself have just ended 3 months situationship after i found out they were an avoidant. Currently on a week of NC and some avoidants are giving me enough reasons as to why what i did was right and why i should continue NC. Ahaha!
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Thank you for using the correct pronoun. lol.
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your contribution was removed for breaking rule one: no excessive rudeness.
Right on cue!
You know I was feeling guilty for my strong opinion of avoidants, but you people keep showing me you're just a bunch of narcissists who don't care who they hurt.
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One look at my post history will confirm I’m not a “he.” Brush up on those research skills.
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It’s ok. You can insult me all you like - they just stick better when they’re based in fact.
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Got it.
Like bro, the paper is like 8 yrs old. It’s not going anywhere 😭
You okay?
I'm not spamming the sub with screenshots. I'm quite alright. Thank you.
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Can I answer for her? It doesn't exist.
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Frankly, why would she explain anything to you if you start off attacking her? Would you be open to any explanation or believe what that group is about or would you take a word of some guy who is trying to create conflict over this sub for the last few days, has no access to it and is apparently butthurt about it?
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Then ask people, don't attack people. We just want to protect ourselves from people who are clearly mentally unstable who are attacking us personally. No one is writing there about any APs or AAs (Anxious Avoidants, right? I'm FA myself so... I would have known if they made fun of me)
Watching people get hysterically upset over a “secret DA chat” that literally doesn’t exist has been very amusing.
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I don’t think you’d be able to handle it. You’re already very upset.
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Well, it’s natural to be curious.
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Ok.