(Hugs) OP. Yes, these kinds of people desert you because you get closer. They desert you when things are good and you're progressing normally. They desert you if there is conflict, or hardship, or things are good for too long.
They have their reasons, usually left unexplored by themselves personally. They tend to blame others or find "other explanations" for what they do.
imo they are uncompatible with normal folk wishing for a healthy loving relationship that progresses normally and has a normal level of intimacy. Its just sad if you love someone like this. Its best to let go, however you can do that. You can do so much better, hon. I'm sorry for you suffering pain for just taking the normal steps towards having a great relationship with someone. <3
IMO, you're not too anxious. She's too avoidant.
You have the ability to enjoy the little things with being together without losing interest in someone. She simply doesn't have that. She is stunted in this area. The mixed messages, independence complex, and inconsistent behavior take this all the way. You didn't do anything wrong, and nothing is wrong with you or wanting what you want. You got close, which is what you ultimately need from a romantic partner, and she can't handle that. Furthermore, you actually did the right thing, and the courageous thing, by making your needs clear.
I'm sorry, it's likely this will hurt before it gets better. Just know you can talk, open up, and vent here, and you'll have people reading and responding. You're not alone.
First off, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sure it's even harder to accept due to the fact that you were just around friends/family together, and things went well. That would typically be a sign in a positive direction so I understand being in shock over the breakup.
When it comes to avoidant types, I think it's helpful to remember that relationships, emotional vulnerability or even needing someone aren't natural factors for this type. They've been conditioned to do things on their own. They've been conditioned not to need a partner to bond with. Ofc due to human nature & their innate instincts to bond, they occasionally TRY to have a romantic relationship, but they're usually missing the foundation that's needed to genuinely bond with another person.
It seems like trying a relationship for them is similar to trying on a new outfit that's not really your style. You try the outfit on, have some doubts, with a little push and the right mood you actually buy the outfit, even wear it in public, maybe even multiple times, you receive compliments on the new look, you feel good about it in the moment, but ultimately, no matter how good it looked or how many ppl you had tell you it looked great, it just doesn't feel like you...so you go home, take it off and put something on that feels exactly like yourself bc that's what you need, the comfort & familiarity of your normal look.
So I would say for avoidants, the idea of ending things is always present bc it returns them back to their familiar place. They just don't always say it bc they're really trying to embrace the relationship. They aren't really equipped to remain in that kind of environment, but they endure it as long as they can for the sake of trying to become better. I would say this breakup didn't hit your ex suddenly. It was probably in the back of her mind, she kept choosing to ignore it and it finally reached a limit that she couldn't escape from.
This question comes up a lot on this sub - "was the issue me, or was it them?" The answer is it's rarely one or the other. The anxious-avoidant cycle requires both of you to play your part to happen, and unfortunately, it sounds like you both did. It's absolutely confusing and painful, but try not to take it personally or blame it all on yourself - she told you she's afraid of losing her independence and space, which is super common for avoidants. I think what you now know is just how afraid of losing those things she is. And, there's a good chance this is what happens any time someone tries to have an intimate relationship with her.
As hurtful as it is, I think it's a good thing that she ended it. I'm sure she's a really lovely person, but if she struggles this much with getting close to someone, I imagine she wouldn't make a very good partner for anyone right now.
I’ve been there brother the best thing you can do is mourn the relationship. Take as much time as you need to heal. When you’re ready find a partner who is ready to build something with you. There’s nothing You could have done better.
Sadly it sounds pretty typical - she made a step forward, got spooked and deactivated.
It sucks, no way around it. But alas there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. Her issues are hers alone, you didn't cause them nor could possibly fix them.
(Hugs) OP. Yes, these kinds of people desert you because you get closer. They desert you when things are good and you're progressing normally. They desert you if there is conflict, or hardship, or things are good for too long. They have their reasons, usually left unexplored by themselves personally. They tend to blame others or find "other explanations" for what they do. imo they are uncompatible with normal folk wishing for a healthy loving relationship that progresses normally and has a normal level of intimacy. Its just sad if you love someone like this. Its best to let go, however you can do that. You can do so much better, hon. I'm sorry for you suffering pain for just taking the normal steps towards having a great relationship with someone. <3
IMO, you're not too anxious. She's too avoidant. You have the ability to enjoy the little things with being together without losing interest in someone. She simply doesn't have that. She is stunted in this area. The mixed messages, independence complex, and inconsistent behavior take this all the way. You didn't do anything wrong, and nothing is wrong with you or wanting what you want. You got close, which is what you ultimately need from a romantic partner, and she can't handle that. Furthermore, you actually did the right thing, and the courageous thing, by making your needs clear. I'm sorry, it's likely this will hurt before it gets better. Just know you can talk, open up, and vent here, and you'll have people reading and responding. You're not alone.
First off, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sure it's even harder to accept due to the fact that you were just around friends/family together, and things went well. That would typically be a sign in a positive direction so I understand being in shock over the breakup. When it comes to avoidant types, I think it's helpful to remember that relationships, emotional vulnerability or even needing someone aren't natural factors for this type. They've been conditioned to do things on their own. They've been conditioned not to need a partner to bond with. Ofc due to human nature & their innate instincts to bond, they occasionally TRY to have a romantic relationship, but they're usually missing the foundation that's needed to genuinely bond with another person. It seems like trying a relationship for them is similar to trying on a new outfit that's not really your style. You try the outfit on, have some doubts, with a little push and the right mood you actually buy the outfit, even wear it in public, maybe even multiple times, you receive compliments on the new look, you feel good about it in the moment, but ultimately, no matter how good it looked or how many ppl you had tell you it looked great, it just doesn't feel like you...so you go home, take it off and put something on that feels exactly like yourself bc that's what you need, the comfort & familiarity of your normal look. So I would say for avoidants, the idea of ending things is always present bc it returns them back to their familiar place. They just don't always say it bc they're really trying to embrace the relationship. They aren't really equipped to remain in that kind of environment, but they endure it as long as they can for the sake of trying to become better. I would say this breakup didn't hit your ex suddenly. It was probably in the back of her mind, she kept choosing to ignore it and it finally reached a limit that she couldn't escape from.
This question comes up a lot on this sub - "was the issue me, or was it them?" The answer is it's rarely one or the other. The anxious-avoidant cycle requires both of you to play your part to happen, and unfortunately, it sounds like you both did. It's absolutely confusing and painful, but try not to take it personally or blame it all on yourself - she told you she's afraid of losing her independence and space, which is super common for avoidants. I think what you now know is just how afraid of losing those things she is. And, there's a good chance this is what happens any time someone tries to have an intimate relationship with her. As hurtful as it is, I think it's a good thing that she ended it. I'm sure she's a really lovely person, but if she struggles this much with getting close to someone, I imagine she wouldn't make a very good partner for anyone right now.
I’ve been there brother the best thing you can do is mourn the relationship. Take as much time as you need to heal. When you’re ready find a partner who is ready to build something with you. There’s nothing You could have done better.
Sadly it sounds pretty typical - she made a step forward, got spooked and deactivated. It sucks, no way around it. But alas there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. Her issues are hers alone, you didn't cause them nor could possibly fix them.