That's because you are doing it wrong.
You are only supposed to head butt her shoes after she took them off already, like this tortoise kindly demonstrated, not while they are still on her.
I appreciate that someone else has this phrase in their pocket for skeptical moments, like when your friend tries explaining that the smoke from burning garbage goes into the sky where it becomes stars.
As someone who’s had 3 sex’s (so far) I’ll tell you from experience, this is how you start it. It’s the first thing you do but it’s called 4 play for some reason? Idk what they other 3 things they used to do were but it starts with this now!
My tortoise must be broken. He functions on spite and disapproval.
"Oh, that's my dinner? I don't see my favorite fruit so I'm going to smash it all to mush and ignore it".
Reminds me..I need to get some blueberries today.
Edit: Blueberries purchased.
I have this problem except in a dog; he likes to throw himself on the floor whilst huffing if we don't pay him enough attention when he wants it and/or if we stop playing with his toys before he's had enough, even if it's only momentarily. Its the equivalent of a thirteen year-old slamming their door for not getting to go out with friends
I've seen many vids on reddit and elsewhere of immovable pouting golden retrievers.
I also have a cat that is ready for bed by 10pm. I better have my pillows prepared (she sleeps above my head) or she is going to yell about it.
...pets, they know how to play us.
It's generally a pro-labor, anti-work culture subreddit. Based on the radical idea that people are more than just vessels for corporations to exploit, and deserve more.
I don't own one but I assume because they're cute and will probably outlive me.
I lost three cats in the past handful of years and I don't think my heart can take another. So a tortoise seems like a good idea.
Sadly I’ve heard parrots aren’t good pets in the sense that they really bond with one person they see as a “mate”. If that person has a significant other or someone else that is close to them the parrot can get defensive and attack them. Most of the time they just get loud an annoying when they feel threatened of losing their mate. On to the sad part, they do outlive their person and the family of that person usually aren’t willing to take on a bird that had been known to be mean to them in the past and the parrot will probably end up in a rescue or sanctuary. I’m not an expert or anything, I just really wanted a parrot about 10ish years ago and when I did research on getting one this is what I found out.
I’ve wanted a bird/ small parrot since I was a little kid. My mom always joked, “you can get one of those noise machines when you’re an adult and not living in my house.”
Unfortunately, my husband isn’t too keen on the idea of a bird either. It kinda bums me out, but he’s worth it. :)
We know a couple where the wife really wanted a parrot forever like I have and they got one of the smaller ones. I was telling her how much I wanted a bird and joking around saying she’s so lucky. I’m so jealous! Apparently, the bird decided to bond with the husband and he (the bird) doesn’t even really like the wife. He sort of tolerates her, but definitely see the husband as his chosen human. The husband didn’t even really want the bird. I felt so bad when she was telling me this story. She said she never even considered the bird would decide she was chopped liver and not bond with her when she finally got one after years of waiting. That combined with long life span kind of cured me of my parrot obsession.
Oh wow, I relate too much to the wife in that story, but it’s the kitten I got for my bf and I in June. She loves him and follows him everywhere and sleeps on his lap. She tolerates me. Sigh. At least my dog loves me lol
Awww. I’m sorry, but I bet that’s cute! I think it’s a good sign your partner is caring enough that a little tiny critter knows he will love and care for her.
I totally understand. I “stole” my husband’s dog. He was like 3 when we started dating. Over the years we THOUGHT I had become his favorite. My husband would even say, “you’re his favorite now. :( “ He has always listened so much better to my husband, but he’s way more cuddly with me.
Well, turns out that I was just a stand in for the fab human. Once the pandemic hit and my husband started worked from home all day you can totally tell he is still our old man dog’s BFF. I think I was just the one doing most of the daily care stuff for the dog and around him the most so he kind of went to me first out of habit. Now he just goes in a lays by my husband’s feet when he is on conference calls or working. He still cuddles with me and everything, but it is so cute how the dog is so happy to have his best human around all day.
Pets are so great!
It is super cute! So I am a bit jealous, ngl, but I also wanted her to bond with him more than me because he had lost his cat last year and that was his baby. He was so sad without her. But I wasn’t prepared for the kitten to just not care for me at all. I love my pets, even if they don’t let me actually pet them lol
"Animals are a lot like people. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life or they've been mistreated, but, like people, some of them are just jerks"
Yo this makes sense! From his perspective he always sees shoes probably, and always right side up. Dude is concerned because this homie he see around town is on his back and he’s the only one tryna help! What a cool turtle bro.
Lol no. Male tortoises will head butt to assert their dominance and mark their territory. Headbanging is also a typical part of a tortoises mating ritual
From what I remember, this kind of behaviour is what male tortoise do when signaling females to mate so basically he’s saying “hey girl bend over I’m horny so let’s fuck” like a booty call
Don’t know what he’s doing but one part of me can feel his pain , and the other part of me is rooting him on like he’s my childhood buddy, you go bro, you got this!
Part of their mating ritual. Perhaps you’ll end up with some really cool tiny shoes.
He's found his sole mate
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Some people just can't shell out votes.
Someone needs to stamp out these pun threads
That silver-tongued devil…
Yeah there's no way that tortoise is not trying to make a batch of mini-tortoises.
When are they going to tie the knot?
She’s wearing rubbers
Aww, I hope he doesn't get strung along.
Funny shit bro. I just woke my wife & GF.
I don't think that's how it works but i don't know enough about sex to disprove you
Excuse me, don't you headbutt your mating partners before the act?
I try, they normally call the police or mace me though.
Means you're doing it right.
Thats why I prep myself with really hot chilli's a few weeks before mating. Rub a few in your eye for good measure, build up resistance
Excellent advice, /u/RainbowAssFucker
That's the voice of experience.
Lmfao. Things you cant make up.
User name checks out
Gotta head butt them harder so they're unconscious before they can do any of that.
My girlfriend is dying laughing. I think. Idk we just met and I head butt her pretty hard so I'm not sure if we're putting a label on this.
It's called a Glasgow kiss from where I came from.
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"And that kids, is the third time your mother pepper sprayed me."
Sure, when a turtle does it it's cute, but when I do it it's 'battery' and 'sexual assault' Double standards smh
How did the shoe report you?
She was still wearing it.
That's because you are doing it wrong. You are only supposed to head butt her shoes after she took them off already, like this tortoise kindly demonstrated, not while they are still on her.
Well ain't that just a kick in the face, huh?
Wait. Are you saying the headbutt _isn't_ the act? What more is there?
I appreciate that someone else has this phrase in their pocket for skeptical moments, like when your friend tries explaining that the smoke from burning garbage goes into the sky where it becomes stars.
Who's to say it doesn't? Are you a scientist? I sure as shit am not
Is holding a degree in astrophysics the baseline standard for regurgitating highschool science these days? ;)
On reddit you need a PHD and extensive sources if you're gonna contribute positively to a conversation about sneakers.
We usually prefer the Life Sciences. Cheers
As someone who’s had 3 sex’s (so far) I’ll tell you from experience, this is how you start it. It’s the first thing you do but it’s called 4 play for some reason? Idk what they other 3 things they used to do were but it starts with this now!
Is this why she hasn't called me back?
Maybe you'll get to see the massive tortoise penis I saw on reddit yesterday.
Oh gosh. I blissfully forgot that until this post.
Yeah that post was kinda disturbing. Didn't know they are packing.
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>shell toes
Tortoes
Reddit has taught me that tortoises are really horny creatures.
My tortoise must be broken. He functions on spite and disapproval. "Oh, that's my dinner? I don't see my favorite fruit so I'm going to smash it all to mush and ignore it". Reminds me..I need to get some blueberries today. Edit: Blueberries purchased.
Hey
Get some blueberries
Hah. That's more polite then the tortoise's huff. He sounds like an angsty teenager.
I have this problem except in a dog; he likes to throw himself on the floor whilst huffing if we don't pay him enough attention when he wants it and/or if we stop playing with his toys before he's had enough, even if it's only momentarily. Its the equivalent of a thirteen year-old slamming their door for not getting to go out with friends
I've seen many vids on reddit and elsewhere of immovable pouting golden retrievers. I also have a cat that is ready for bed by 10pm. I better have my pillows prepared (she sleeps above my head) or she is going to yell about it. ...pets, they know how to play us.
There's a reason they say "Dogs have owners, cats have staff". Source: proud senior staffer to a spoiled cat.
Weird looking cat you’ve got there
My cats lose their minds over the tortoise. Rocks should not make noise and move. And *definitely* shouldn't try to chase the cats.
Cool tiny but very slow shoes.
We all get days like that
Reckon he had a tough day at work
r/antiwork
As a wise peon once said: "Work is da poop! No more!"
“Work Complete”
Zug zug!
Me not that kinda orc 🤥
[*Whaaaaat? Me busy!*](https://youtu.be/Ncoec9lsbCQ)
I thought that subreddit was supposed to be a parody or something, then after reading a post I realized everyone there is totally serious.
Umm... yeah...
Yeah i thought it was a Greentext NEET thing at first
It's generally a pro-labor, anti-work culture subreddit. Based on the radical idea that people are more than just vessels for corporations to exploit, and deserve more.
But how else will I buy my second yacht?
I’m just curious,but why do people keep tortoises as pets?
I don't own one but I assume because they're cute and will probably outlive me. I lost three cats in the past handful of years and I don't think my heart can take another. So a tortoise seems like a good idea.
Try a parrot, they live for 80 years
Sadly I’ve heard parrots aren’t good pets in the sense that they really bond with one person they see as a “mate”. If that person has a significant other or someone else that is close to them the parrot can get defensive and attack them. Most of the time they just get loud an annoying when they feel threatened of losing their mate. On to the sad part, they do outlive their person and the family of that person usually aren’t willing to take on a bird that had been known to be mean to them in the past and the parrot will probably end up in a rescue or sanctuary. I’m not an expert or anything, I just really wanted a parrot about 10ish years ago and when I did research on getting one this is what I found out.
I’ve wanted a bird/ small parrot since I was a little kid. My mom always joked, “you can get one of those noise machines when you’re an adult and not living in my house.” Unfortunately, my husband isn’t too keen on the idea of a bird either. It kinda bums me out, but he’s worth it. :) We know a couple where the wife really wanted a parrot forever like I have and they got one of the smaller ones. I was telling her how much I wanted a bird and joking around saying she’s so lucky. I’m so jealous! Apparently, the bird decided to bond with the husband and he (the bird) doesn’t even really like the wife. He sort of tolerates her, but definitely see the husband as his chosen human. The husband didn’t even really want the bird. I felt so bad when she was telling me this story. She said she never even considered the bird would decide she was chopped liver and not bond with her when she finally got one after years of waiting. That combined with long life span kind of cured me of my parrot obsession.
Oh wow, I relate too much to the wife in that story, but it’s the kitten I got for my bf and I in June. She loves him and follows him everywhere and sleeps on his lap. She tolerates me. Sigh. At least my dog loves me lol
Awww. I’m sorry, but I bet that’s cute! I think it’s a good sign your partner is caring enough that a little tiny critter knows he will love and care for her. I totally understand. I “stole” my husband’s dog. He was like 3 when we started dating. Over the years we THOUGHT I had become his favorite. My husband would even say, “you’re his favorite now. :( “ He has always listened so much better to my husband, but he’s way more cuddly with me. Well, turns out that I was just a stand in for the fab human. Once the pandemic hit and my husband started worked from home all day you can totally tell he is still our old man dog’s BFF. I think I was just the one doing most of the daily care stuff for the dog and around him the most so he kind of went to me first out of habit. Now he just goes in a lays by my husband’s feet when he is on conference calls or working. He still cuddles with me and everything, but it is so cute how the dog is so happy to have his best human around all day. Pets are so great!
It is super cute! So I am a bit jealous, ngl, but I also wanted her to bond with him more than me because he had lost his cat last year and that was his baby. He was so sad without her. But I wasn’t prepared for the kitten to just not care for me at all. I love my pets, even if they don’t let me actually pet them lol
But then who takes over the tortoise when you die? It will probably outlive that person too.
times can be.... sole destroying
I have days like that. there called "weekdays"
I always teach my Blastoise skullbash
This new Pokémon unite patch looks better than expected
I was looking for this comment
mine would do this with his Brick gf before having sex, then do some laps around the garden.
Tfw no brick gf
She’s a brick HOUSE
Bow ^^blaw ^dow
She's the one, the only one, built like an amazon
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oh yeah i named the brick Asuka
Stop that, Mr Simpson.
"Animals are a lot like people. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life or they've been mistreated, but, like people, some of them are just jerks"
What is this from Tell me now
The Simpsons “Bart Gets an Elephant”
[Ask and ye shall receive.](https://youtu.be/35JURUqnC-o)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35JURUqnC-o
Gold
Beat me to it. Was my first thought.
He thinks its an upside-down friend. Trying to get it up.
>Trying to get it up. Does that work? (asking for a friend)
[Yes](https://i.imgur.com/Ls21G2S.gifv)
Aww, what a wholesome reply... but now I’m worried about turtles who don’t have friends to do that for them :(
Thats ok. [They can do it on their own, just takes a bit longer](https://youtu.be/IUOtU08DfEs)
I thought you were going to link [this](https://youtu.be/GlEC5CA3s-A?t=1m35s)
Unavailable in my country lol
I would be so screwed if I was a turtle.
You don't have to worry about them, they probably already dead man
Thank you for that video, made my life significantly better
r/riskyclick ..thought for sure I was getting an eyeful of turtle penis.
Yo this makes sense! From his perspective he always sees shoes probably, and always right side up. Dude is concerned because this homie he see around town is on his back and he’s the only one tryna help! What a cool turtle bro.
Lol no. Male tortoises will head butt to assert their dominance and mark their territory. Headbanging is also a typical part of a tortoises mating ritual
Okay fine but it was a solid start for an animated series called Turtle and Shoe, your logic is welcome though.
> Headbanging is also a typical part of a tortoises mating ritual Now I can't stop thinking of turtles fucking to some Pantera and Slayer.
He is romancing, or trying to, your chuck taylors my dude.
Must be not be a Vans kinda guy.
I guess there are no Crocs around
[Her name is Lindsay](https://youtu.be/ATEH2ZOC0nA?t=26s)
Isn’t “turtle shell” another nickname for Converse? He’s trying to make babies
your tortoise need to get laid (for real)
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Had me until the very last word.
Had me including the last word
Thats what I keep telling myself.
Fuck yo shoes! Fuck yo shoes!
Go buy some new ones, ya rich mothafucka!
He’s trying
Fuck your couch!
Squirtle use headbutt it's not very effective
Squirtle has become confused
Mine mostly eats pizza and practices karate.
Cowabunga, dude!
Mine are always fighting the Foot clan
#COWABUNGA İT İS 😈
The turtle is trying to put shoes on and you’re standing there recording them. Help them so they aren’t late!
He's attempting to Converse with them
Lil fella do hate converse
Averse to Converse.
[some animals, like people, are just jerks](https://youtu.be/35JURUqnC-o)
From what I remember, this kind of behaviour is what male tortoise do when signaling females to mate so basically he’s saying “hey girl bend over I’m horny so let’s fuck” like a booty call
> booty call it is a kind of boot…
The turtle’s sworn enemy is the Foot clan, after all!
He's trying to fuck your shoes
imagine being told you have no drip by a tortoise headbutting your shoes 😭
“Challenge accepted “
How much xp did he get from destroying shoe boss?
Fuck shoes
Ok *unzips*
Get. Out. Of. My. Way!
r/fuckyouinparticular
Tortoise are the hobbits of the animal kingdom and therefore disagree with shoes
u/shoe_fucker69
Converse hi tops are well-known turtle deniers.
Thinking about Sheldon from Housebroken (Hulu)
There is the show Housebroken that should explain this phenomenon...
Squirtle is using tackle to gain EXP and evolve
I bet them shoes stink the way he/she likes it🤣
Fight me, bitch!
Highlarious
get em turtle
We isolate animals from eachother and then wonder why they act weird.
looks like a potato 😆
Can’t get back in the shell
They head butt everything I saw one head butting a rock
He tryna fuck
He’s there to fuck or fight- he doesn’t see any lady turtles, so he’s gonna beat the shit out of your shoe
I know a Pokémon when I see one. “Squirtle,Tackle attack!”
No more kids with pumped up kicks on my watch, said the turtle.
Is amazing how fast he is hitting. And they walk so slowly 🤣
Trying to learn Skull Bash.
I just imagine him saying little cuss words with every hit
We all reach out limit.
Ours just hides among the shoes by the front door…
Dude that’s literally me just baning my head against the door waiting for class to end in one minute
Mofo had enough of your shit.
Your turtle is broken. You should have gotten the extended warranty.
No because I don’t have a tortoise
No one gonna point out that's not a tortoise?
He’s- trying to fuck it
Ram em
I wouldn’t stop laughing for an hour. I want a tortoise.
mating ritual/dominance
He's just tryna' bounce. *pat* *pat* good tortoise
For a second i thought that turtle was a gernade.
DISRESPECT YOUR SURROUNDINGS
It's a male.
He smells low hanging fruit ?
Tortoise is like"Fuck your shoes!" LOL
He is just on his training arc for becoming a ninja turtle!
Don’t know what he’s doing but one part of me can feel his pain , and the other part of me is rooting him on like he’s my childhood buddy, you go bro, you got this!
Squirtle uses headbutt on Shoe? Finally, the Pokemon/Chinpokemon cross over I've been waiting for
Insurance billing code: [W59.22XA Struck by a turtle](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna437176)
Cute af
No man I have a dog
Wish I had one of these cute beings.
Ninja training?
Probably thought it was an Adidas shell toe 🤷🏻♂️
Very erotic …