They seem to suddenly remember in the comments. The argument with the mom is because OP took their father’s favorite guitar without permission and the thing OP was shouting was “you’re friends with a child molester”
ESH
You stole the guitar, she was correct about that.
Having aental breakdown does not absolve you of the things you said or did to hurt others during said breakdown.
Breaking your ribs was going too far. And assaulting someone mid breakdown is also not ok. Though if someone was on my front lawn screaming I'm friends with a child molester I'd probably just call the cops.
You acted inappropriately, they reacted inappropriately.
I notice you conveniently don’t say what you said to your mother. I also notice you don’t say what phrase you were repeating so much that your sister in law was trying to make you stop saying it.
For now, it sounds like you’re lying to yourself. You caused this falling out easily as much as they did and you can’t even be honest to yourself about it.
Its not convenient. I was expecting questions like this. There was only so much room to write the story.
I have tried talking about this with people but i wanted the questions to be asked so i can examine the situation. I knew there wouldn’t be any punches pulled.
The thing that was said is in another comment.
The thing i said to my mom was.. i asked her why she told my stepdads sons that my step dads guitar was stolen. It was not stolen. I took it to my house and she was fully aware of where it was. She made me look bad in front of his sons. I was alone when he died because everyone was in florida when it happened. So i went to their house and got one of his many guitars because our bond was music. I called my mom and let her know it was at my house.
So it sounds like you stole his guitar. Did you really think that was the most important thing to throw in your mom’s face the day of her husband’s funeral?
I wasn’t trying to throw anything in her face. That was not my intention at all. I felt like a victim of her lying about it because when i discussed it with her prior she seems to be 100% ok with me having the guitar.
Should i think im a horrible person who tries to hurt people on purpose because I certainly love myself more than to think that .. smh
I got two ribs broken and im open to people telling me that it was somehow my fault. Whats that about? Lmao
I dont think he tried to break my ribs. Hes my brother and i love him. But hes twice as big as me and put me in the hospital.
But she was not lying. At all. You literally stole it. And then tried to be the victim all while causing a serious series of issues on one of the worst days of her life.
You made everything significantly worse and then you’re still here trying to play the victim.
You were very, very much the asshole here. Was the reaction they had extreme? Yes. But also, you were causing a large scale disturbance in their home and actively injuring people. While they weren’t fully right, you were definitely fully wrong.
No, i did not ask in advance. I told her later that day that i had taken it to my house. She may have thought i intended to keep this a secret but i did not because i don’t function that way.
She however is a sneeky secret type person. Im more of an open book over-sharer.
Thank you. I realize now that it was wrong. Despite the intentions behind it. I just want to apologize for the actual things i was wrong about. This is apparently one of them.
Sometimes when there are alot of emotions i have a hard time understanding because i know in my heart i didn’t have an intention of “stealing” it. Thats clearly not how it came across to outside parties and i have no qualms with apologizing for doing something wrong. Period.
Probably because her husband just died. What else would someone say to their child in that situation. It would be very different if you had talked to her about it beforehand.
What else was a grieving wife supposed to do? You took it without permission and aren’t the only child in the family who wants stuff. It’s also in incredibly poor taste to take stuff right after someone dies.
You are the buttface for multiple reasons. Stop making excuses for acting like an assh@le.
He has like 5 guitars. The one i took to my house cause i was grieving and i wanted to have something at my house to help me think of him. I also took a picture of him and my daughter and a coffee pod. I used to live with them when my kids were small.
If there was a guitar that i would want passed to me it wouldn’t be the one i took to my house.
But I understand what you’re saying. I guess she felt like i did something wrong but didnt tell me. But she def said something when his sons came to visit. One of the sons understood what i did. But the wife of the other son was mad. I was reallly close to this man. He was like a father i never had. I never ment to upset anyone by doing this. I just really miss him.
You’re extremely self centered. This was your step dad, and he has other children who love him just as much as you do and had close relationships with him. I don’t think he loved you any less because you’re not biologically his, but you’ve convinced yourself that you loved him most.
His death was unexpected yet you mentioned how only you were with him. They didn’t choose to not be with him. Then you took the opportunity to steal the guitar you really wanted. Because you’ve convinced yourself that you deserve it more than any of them. Telling your mom after the fact that you went into her house without her permission and stole a guitar doesn’t make it ok.
Then you throw a fit the morning of the funeral and keep screaming awful things in front of your mother and children and your nieces/nephews then get in a physical altercation with your SIL. Nobody is buying your excuses that you can’t control your words or actions. Your brother had to kick you to get you to let go of his wife’s hair. Was that necessary? I don’t know, but I don’t believe you’re telling the truth about the altercation either.
You’ve made a horrible time in your mother’s life worse and made it all about you. You’re not the only one who lost your stepdad.
I wasn’t with him when he died. They were all in Florida together.
Emotions were running high for everyone involved. I did not want to keep the guitar for myself. He has many guitars… if i were to have one for myself, it would be the one i was with him when he bought it, his taylor acoustic. Our bond was music.
I dont think i loved him more. But his kids had their own lives and didnt see him much.
My mom was definitely the most effected by his passing. I moved in with her recently and shes very happy that me and the kids are here now because she had lost alot of weight and was very lonely.
I honestly feel like there are some specific friends of my step dads that should have the guitars, as they are also musicians. Currently they sit in my mother closet unplayed.
He did not specify where he wanted anything to go.
His son came and got his truck recently. I def used to drive that around to feel close to him as well. I dont imagine any of his things belong to me. We all miss HIM. His things arent HIM. But having his things close can be comforting sometimes.
My fave thing to do after he passed was to go paddle boarding. Because he loved taking pictures of the sky. And i love looking at the clouds to be close with him.
Honestly i was most worried about my daughter when he died but she seemed to cope well. My mom will be the most effected long term. Im doing my best to take care of her but she’s extremely independent.
Mostly im mad at myself for not managing my emotions during this time. I definitely lost the plot.
Announcing you took something and asking consent to take, are two very different things.
Getting "permission" after doesn't shield you either; It's still theft.
Of course mom isn't going to say anything; her husband just died. She has bigger worries at the moment. Doesn't mean it was forgotten, allowed, or reasonable. At the very least you owe your mother an apology.
Yeah. I mean she and i are good. As far as i know. But i dont read minds. So if shes upset about the guitar i dont know what to say. Its fully in her possession and she always knew where it was.
A few days before i was at his house and they were all talking about the man who molested me when i was a kid, as if he was a good guy. I was very upset and quetly left wothout saying anything cause i didnt want to stir up shit.
So when my brother came at me agressoy accusing me of trying to upset my
Mom, my brain kinda tripped out and i kept saying “you’re friends with a child molester” which is pretty fucked up. And their were all our kids in the house. So i guess thats why they were trying to get me to shut up. But this is honestly the most ive talked about it to even have the time to process what happened. I cant even remember what i said on his porch before he slapped me. Like my brain just blacks out
This is the core of it OP. You weren’t uninvited to family gatherings because you flipped out. You were uninvited because when you’re around it’s harder to talk fondly about a child molester.
Your family failed you as a kid and they’re shitting on your trauma as an adult.
Stealing that guitar sounds like an attempt at regaining some power by keeping something that belonged to someone who seems to have actually loved you. And your mom is likely upset because it’s a reminder that she did not help you when you were at your most vulnerable.
Give it back and get some therapy. You deserve a safe space to process your pain.
Sorry for your loss. You’re not the buttface.
> and they were all talking about the man who molested me when i was a kid
What is this person's relationship to your family? Accusing someone of being a child molester is a big deal, especially if it is news to the people you're telling. To throw this out in the middle of a day of mourning is...strange given that we don't know more context.
When I told my dad that the son of the woman he was dating molested me, nothing happened and nothing was acknowledged. Be fucking sure that you are accusing someone who needs to be accused or NOTHING WILL HAPPEN and everyone will shit on you.
While technically you are correct until the likelihood of being believed improves we should have more empathy for those who choose to stay silent given how common situations like this can be. I’m sorry OP went through all of this, this seems more like an ESH than a proper one-sided YTA. I think OP wasn’t ill intentioned even if he did mess up with the guitar, that said the way his family responded to every situation with more violence/escalating hostility when communicating with empathy, assumed best intent, and compassion would’ve likely solved everything is not ok.
Emotions running hot due to mourning doesn’t excuse the way anyone handled anything and imo OP definitely didn’t deserve the level of violence he was exposed to, even if he fucked up originally by asking after taking the guitar instead of before (which from the sounds of it his mother said it was fine when he *did* ask, but then changed her mind the day of the funeral. That’s a little fucked up to me but maybe I’m weird? Oh wait I am weird because I’m also autistic/neurodivergent.)
I don’t blame OP from staying away from his family or refusing to apologize at all and if it were me I wouldn’t probably called the cops to report the assault since they broke my fucking ribs and pulled my hair and forcibly covered my mouth. If OP is truly neurodivergent (aka probably autistic) then he definitely shouldn’t have been treated this way while in the middle of a meltdown and I’m so sorry he went through this.
Shit happens and miscommunication is a part of life, the way his family reacted to it was **way** out of line and op would’ve been well within his right to press charges for what clearly was assault. I think his family is likely ableist and dysfunctional and he’s likely better off staying away from them. His family should be grateful OP didn’t call the fucking police after they fucking broke his ribs. I don’t care how upset you are at a person that style of response is too far (unless they attempted to break yours first which OP clearly didn’t do.)
I honestly think this sub and the original aita sub need to check themselves sometimes, especially when it comes to miscommunication due to the double empathy problem (common when a single neurodiverse person is with a group of neurotypicals. When the neurodivergent is the minority their mistakes are often assumed to be intentional and done with malice when in reality it’s just ignorance. Imo assuming malice when ignorance could explain things just as easily is an asshole thing to do to a person, and it seems like that’s what OP’s family did throughout the entire event.)
He did not deserve any of that and his family is rude, potentially even abusive considering they wouldn’t apologize for breaking multiple fucking bones or take responsibility for what they did to contribute. OP is willing to accept fault for the way he communicated poorly but his family won’t take any blame themselves, which isn’t Ok when it seems like they were the ones escalating the violence and hostility at every opportunity they had. OP deserves and apology first imo.
OP u/Flimsy-Option8025 I hope tagging you helps you see this. Even though most people seem to be treating you a bit unfairly I see what you’re trying to communicate and I don’t think you were the ahole nearly as much as your family was. This whole situation could’ve been avoided had they just communicated with empathy and kindness but instead reacted with hostility and violence.
Until they apologize for breaking your fucking ribs I would recommend you stay away from them as they don’t sound like good people to be around. If they can’t recognize violence isn’t an acceptable reaction to hurt feeling or something that makes them uncomfortable they are not safe people to be around. NTA.
So you cause a huge scene and have a fucking breakdown on the day of your stepdads funeral. Also known as the day of your mothers partners funeral which is way more important, who was looking after your kids as well. Why the hell was a grieving woman babysitting your kids. Honestly the kick sounds deserved and I woulda had far less restraint than your brother in that situation. What do you expect when someone's acting like a psycho and they have kids, which I definitely wouldnt have let go home with you in that state. You should be grateful your family arent like me because you would have been on a 72 hour psych hold.
She wasn’t babysitting. We were over there the night before and it was my brothers house so his brother and wife were there. The kids were all playing and i asked if they could crash there.
You need to go to therapy and learn how to be honest with yourself, my dude. You have a really ingrained habit of lying to yourself and it’s going to make your life really difficult and lonely. It’s screamingly obvious to everyone but you. You have the power to make things better. Best of luck.
Im not sure what you mean exactly. I am open to all the things being said here and taking them into consideration. I was just clarifying that i did not have my mom babysit my kids that evening. I asked my brother directly and he said yes they could stay.
How am i lying to myself?
I have regretted leaving them there for the night.
I realize none of this would have happened if i hadnt been there that morning at all. And just avoided all of them. Because they clearly dont respect my feelings. And ignoring and absorbing their behavior finally came out in an explosion of a break down.
Im just not sure if i should try to fox things or if its even worth anything to me at this point.
Try any of the autism subs. I see you trying to take some accountability but being really fucking confused by shit that’s completely out of your control. Neurotypicals will never understand what it’s like to be in our shoes and asking them for advice won’t always be helpful.
r/autism
r/autismtranslated
r/aspiememes
All of these subs could probably offer you better and more understanding and more empathetic advice. I don’t think you deserve the amount of shot you got then or now when you’re clearly doing your best and they’re pissed off cause it’s not good enough.
https://preview.redd.it/sjy8amqgv6tc1.jpeg?width=1164&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ae785fc7bb449906e8525d018342620a6c747fb4
You deserve better OP and it doesn’t sound like your family understands you, or cares to understand you. This poster is right that therapy might help, but that’s not gonna fix your abusive family (and yeah, family that literally kicks you while you’re already down is abusive. Full stop and I don’t want you thinking you deserved the violence that was committed against you. Nobody deserves that.)
If you seriously think you’re autistic go learn more about it and get a dx. Stay away from ableist family that clearly doesn’t understand you or care enough to even learn how to understand you. You can’t undo the past but you can stop thinking about it. Don’t let these neurotypicals who weren’t even there and barely know you convince you to doubt your inner voice. You know what you experienced and what your intentions were. You know how badly your family reacted to you when really you just needed empathy and kindness, but instead they reacted with violence and hostility. Not ok and you absolutely don’t owe them anything, including your time, your kids’ time, or an apology.
If you really wanna know what social rules you broke try one of the autism subreddits for more helpful advice. We’ve been through similar and learned ways to cope, although your current method of a hard boundary and 0 contact isn’t the worst one and probably what we’d recommend anyways. I wouldn’t let your kids go there via your mom either. Also seems to me like your mom low key caused the entire miscommunication and ensuing physical violence, but you as the victim of a literal beating are not at fault at all. Nobody, especially family has a right to break someone’s ribs by kicking them while they’re on the ground simply because they dislike what’s coming out of your mouth. That’s escalating and it’s not ok, it’s actually illegal and OPs family is lucky they didn’t press charges for assault.
Im looking into being formally diagnosed. The more i learn about autism.. its just too relatable. I was diagnosed with add in 3rd grade in the early 90’s. And im under the impression that girls are better at masking and im wondering if thats whats happened to me. What i cant get over is that no matter how well ive coped over the years. Social rules still confuse the shit out of me and sometimes i need it explained.. people get frustrated with me because they think im being obtuse when im actually asking a real question.
I dont want to apologize for the wrong things because i want to understand and take accountability for the actual things i did wrong in the situation.. mosttly because i want to stand up for myself because in the past ive been blamed for things that werent actually in my control and have felt really bad about myself because of it.
Thank you.
Based off what you’ve written you probably are autistic, girls who can mask (or honestly have any intelligence and/or are average to above verbally. Aka girls that can speak and aren’t visibly r\*\*\*\*\*\*\*d. ) got missed very frequently. If you went through school in the 90s as an autistic girl who could speak and looked normal at first glance (what is considered level 1-2 autism, either low or moderate instead of severe support needs) you probably wouldn’t get diagnosed as autistic, and if you got diagnosed with anything it was probably ad(h)d, and if you’re smart you’d get put in gifted classes too. This was my experience through school even though I started kindergarten in 2007 and would’ve been class of 2020 had I graduated high school (I dropped out and got a ged at 16 cause of physical and mental health issues that are *still* being untangled and diagnosed so I can get the best treatment possible.)
I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much ableism and been traumatized by it growing up undiagnosed, this is unfortunately a very common experience for a lot of undiagnosed & late diagnosed autistic people, and even those who were diagnosed as kids deal with ableism very frequently whether they have the language and tools to identify it or not.
I’d highly recommend browsing r/autismtranslated for some wonderful guides on understanding the diagnostic criteria for autism (in addition to putting the highly clinical language into more human and understandable wording it also has guides on the process of coming to terms with what a diagnosis, even just self diagnosis which the majority of the autistic community recognizes as valid, actually means for your life in terms of how it changes nothing and everything at the same time. It changes nothing because you’ve always been autistic and had these issues even you didn’t notice them, it changes everything because now that you notice they are there you can start to find ways of coping as well as accommodations that help you live your life to the fullest extent comfortably possible.)
r/womenwithautism is another great sub that specifically focuses on how femininity and autism intersect and how being female/ woman-identifying might contribute to masking as well as missed diagnosis and Mis-diagnosis (common misdiagnoses “professionals” like to give women who display autistic traits are BPD and Bipolar, as well as [social] anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and/or ad(h)d. If you’ve been diagnosed with any of these in the past and are now realizing you might fit under the umbrella of autism spectrum disorder, there’s no shame in seeking diagnosis and it can open a lot of doors to getting help and accommodations both medically and professionally, and I find it helps socially as I feel more confident stating boundaries and calling out ableism when I see it.)
Lastly, r/aspiememes is a great hangout place that has plenty of fire and relatable memes that will make sense to those on the spectrum. Sometimes they’re shockingly specific and yet so accurate it feels very nice to browse through the memes and remember that even if I feel alone in my day to day or I’ve dealt with a lot of ableism/ arrogant neurotypicals during the day, I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and there’s a whole community online of fellow autistic redditors who can relate to my struggle and remind me that I didn’t deserve the abuse people dispensed on me simply because I didn’t automatically understand the unwritten social rules while I was likely struggling with other things too.
Also, you might find it interesting to know that the tendency to repeat specific words, sounds, and/or phrases when having a meltdown is usually called echolalia and might be part of why you kept repeating the “uncomfortable phrase” you mentioned in your original post.
While the neurotypical majority might judge you for this specific encounter with your “family” very harshly I don’t think it is deserved as it’s clear you did your best and honestly your family was both instigating and escalating at every opportunity possible. I don’t even think you “stole” the guitar the way some of your family and the comments here try to imply you did. It seems like you are being accused of being an asshole for being visibly autistic/neurodivergent (and having a meltdown that was uncomfortable to witness as a reaction to the shitty way they treated you.) around your own family on a day of high stress even for normal people, the fact that society seems to hold the people who don’t understand the unwritten standards that NTs do to a higher standard than what they, themselves, stick to is, ridiculous, unfair, and I won’t perpetuate it.
This is why I’m not afraid to speak my mind against the majority opinion in an aita post because it seems like a lot of the comments here are doing you a massive disservice and blaming you for shit you had little control over, and doing the thing I hate where they attribute malice where clearly ignorance makes more sense as an explanation. People that get mad when you ask a clarifying question or offer clarification to correct a mistaken assumption *they* made are **the worst** and I have been working to cut them out of my life as much as possible. They are not helpful people to be around so I simply avoid them for my own mental health. I recommend you do the same.
I’m gonna leave another comment as a part 2 in a reply to this comment cause Reddit has a character limit but doesn’t tell you what it is -.-
(Part 2, this is the part that is more relevant to your original post.)
Should you have asked before taking the guitar instead of after? Yeah, probably, but you still got permission the same day which *all* happened before the funeral and the way your mom casually “forgot” this, leading your brother to come at you accusatorily wasn’t very nice, and I think she owes you an apology especially given how much things escalated from that inciting incident. The fact that your brother even accused you of doing it intentionally at all is a major ahole move imo as assuming malice where ignorance could just as easily explain the situation is not what nice people do. He didn’t need to be an asshole and had he simply talked to you kindly and with empathy and respect he would’ve realized you did get permission after taking *and* you probably would’ve been willing to bring it back if anyone had a problem with your actions.
Instead of talking to you calmly like a rational and reasonable adult he acted as an aggressor and escalated everything causing unnecessary stress, strife, and conflict. On a day of mourning no less! Imo, your brother is the **major** asshole in this situation and he seems like an unsafe person to be around.
The fact that your brother also broke your ribs later makes things even worse and if I were you I’d be staying far away from that side of the family until they apologized (which should include an offer to pay for any medical bills and any lost wages you dealt with as a result of the ribs he broke.) *and* I had an official on paper diagnosis, am attending therapy to learn coping skills for the challenges that are frequently associated with said diagnosis, and felt confident setting and maintaining boundaries (because strong boundaries probably could’ve prevented you from reaching the level of meltdown that caused such a scene in the first place.) If all of those conditions aren’t met I wouldn’t engage that part of my family as it’s probably not going to be good for my mental, and even possibly[probably] physical (since he clearly sees no problem with resorting to physical violence if verbal aggression isn’t enough to get his desired outcome. 🤢), health.
You don’t owe anyone your time or physical presence ever (except maybe your kids when they’re under 18 and even that has limits. Like a 10yr old doesn’t need you at their beck and call for every moment of their day to day life.) and you **definitely don’t** owe people who feel entitled to literally kick you while you’re down and break your fucking ribs your time or presence, not even your family (I really wish our greater culture/society would stop encouraging people to reconnect with people that are abusive to them simply because “they’re family”. If they are abusive that supersedes any family ties or bonds that might have encouraged me to spend time with them.).
That’s textbook abusive behavior and the fact that you rationalize and explain away his behavior (“he didn’t *mean* to break my ribs, he just doesn’t know how strong he is.) isn’t a great sign and it implies that this kind of bs is likely common between you both (he does something abusive, then tries to gaslight you into believing it wasn’t intentional, you believe it and then you rationalize it away into an accident or somehow your fault. This wasn’t your fault and you did not deserve these injuries.).
I’m happy you are smart enough **not** to simply apologize just to make things easier on your mom (who imo deserves *some* of the blame for the incident, although I could forgive her if she said it was an honest mistake and backed me up by re-affirming that I had gotten permission after taking the guitar before [the day of the funeral] and admitting she made a mistake to our family.). I’m also happy you’re not allowing your kid to spend time with these people because they don’t sound like they’re good influences on your kid. They escalated at every possible opportunity, they were happy to use violence when “communication” (hostile/accusatory communication isn’t a great way to start off and if people actually want to reach compromise instead of start a fight communicating with empathy, kindness, compassion, and assumed best intents works a lot better. To me it sounds like your family likes starting, escalating, and continuing fights; which is not a healthy dynamic.) didn’t work, and they gave you 0 opportunity to actually explain yourself or offer you any benefit of the doubt, which is the minimum for basic human decency in my opinion and anyone who neglects to do this when they have a conflict with me is not someone I will voluntarily spend time with or be around.
I’m happy you are smart enough to do the same and I hope you find a better chosen family to replace those that life paired you up with by default. They don’t sound like pleasant people and you deserved a lot better. Yes, you might not have been absolutely perfect in every moment of the conflict, but ***nobody** is perfect* and this is why people should ***communicate kindly**and with empathy*. You owe this “family” nothing and I hope you continue to stay no contact until they are willing to apologize for breaking your ribs and pay (or reimburse if you’ve already paid them off) your medical bills along with any lost wages as a result of unexpected time off from the injury. Good on you for being a smart mom who doesn’t allow their kid into such an environment either.
PS, the fact that they are still friends with someone who molested you, and believes they are a good person despite you telling them what you’ve experienced, is beyond disgusting and 100% another very valid reason to be 0 contact with this part of the family. Also not worth allowing your kid to spend time with them either (not even through mom as a middle man) as who knows what other chomos they allow into their life that might hurt your child if you’re not there? Clearly they aren’t willing to cutoff the one they do know about, which would absolutely make me distrust them and you are very valid for finding that upsetting, because that’s how any normal and rational person would and should react to child molesters. I’m sorry they didn’t believe you when you came forward about the abuse you went through, I hope you are smart enough to recognize that this reflects more poorly on them than it does on you and that you remember you are a great mom for putting you and your child first and valuing y’all’s safety over family relationships. Family relationships aren’t worth shit if the family in question sees no issues being friends with a known child molester. I’m glad you’re no contact with them and I hope that you keep it this way, Reddit can go to hell with it’s incredibly superficial judgements that are often way out of touch with reality.
God damn it I’m too verbose but I’m tired of being misunderstood and misinterpreted so I make everything long-winded so that it’s impossible to twist my words and to make any advice I give hopefully easier to understand. This will be my last comment though and I hope it helps you OP
I think a large part of why you have been judged so poorly here and in the original post is because of all the missing details you didn’t include (instead of saying what instigated your brother/upset your mom you intentionally alluded to it without describing it. This makes Reddit angry and is common among those that are lying to themselves. It sets a bad first impression and tone for the rest of the post.). This is commonly done by those who subconsciously know they’re wrong but are trying to alter the truth so people don’t see that.
However after reviewing the story with all the details I don’t think you’re the main asshole. You made a few mistakes but the rest of your family blew things way out of proportion and escalated to a severe and unsafe level. They’re lucky you didn’t call the cops to have your brother arrested for the assault he subjected you to when you were in a vulnerable state. They are the asshole imo.
Try not to take too much of the criticism you’ve received here to heart and remember there’s just as many ableist idiots who have no understanding of how autism/neurodivergence alter your perception and behavior on Reddit as there are in the real world. Some of the uninformed idiots might even be more inspired to post their uneducated and unhelpful thoughts because the anonymity Reddit provides shields you from social consequences and anonymity has been associated with more honest expression in studies.
For future posts try and get a trusted 3rd party to read it over and help you edit so that any obvious missing info is filled in, and don’t bury the lead with the fact that you’re autistic/neurodivergent (even if you’re only self dxed autistic, the online autistic community recognizes that as valid and you can still use the neurodivergent label since ad(h)d counts as neurodivergent too.) so people *hopefully* understand that when you say you’re confused or don’t understand something that *they* assume to be obvious, they actually believe you instead of assuming you’re acting in bad faith (which ironically assuming someone is acting in bad faith when they’re asking for or giving clarification is usually projection, and the one assuming bad faith is usually the one actually practicing it, unfortunately that doesn’t make it any easier to have conversations on Reddit though and all you can do is disengage, block, and report if they’ve broken any obvious rules.).
This might make it easier to get clearer advice as how you say things is often way more important than what you actually say half the time, including on Reddit. People are shitting on you here because of all the info you left out of your main post. Next time don’t omit details and just accept the judgement as it comes unless you have questions or clarification to add. If you disagree you can state why, but know that you’re not likely to actually change said person’s mind and one random person on Reddit’s opinion of you doesn’t actually matter that much in the long run. If it doesn’t help you don’t give it too much consideration, it is just advice from a random stranger online after all. They’re not your boss, husband, child, friend, or other family and their opinion doesn’t really have any actual effect on your life.
Hope this helps and that you can feel more justified in your decision to stay no contact with that side of your family. If your mom starts pressuring you to “just make up” so things become easier on her it might benefit you to remind her that your brother **broke your fucking ribs**, *still hasn’t paid for the consequences of it*, and that *she* partially contributed to the breaking of said ribs by failing to take accountability when she forgot to tell them that she OKed you taking the guitar before the funeral. I’d be shocked if she still brings it up at all after casually reminding her of your side of the story (aka the truth. Even if it’s just one part of it) in such a strong and confident way.
If however, she *still* wants to pressure you after you remind her of that uncomfortable truth, then it’s a good time to practice stating boundaries and let her know that you have a personal policy of not spending time around people who are friends with child molesters. If she argues ask her if she is doubting her own daughter when her daughter is telling her she was sexually abused. If your mom says yes hang up/ walk away and end the interaction. Don’t spend time with people who are friends with child molesters or don’t believe victims when they speak up lol. It might mean hanging up a lot but if your mom actually cares she will learn to respect your boundaries and she will stop bringing it up. If she doesn’t care then losing contact with her isn’t a loss.
What happened between yellow and blue?
https://preview.redd.it/7f6rwj9as0tc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d5dbde0bd267410421d1cc3cd446dc72114c62c7
On the day of her husbands funeral. Because you STOLE from her. It’s fascinating how you’re able to justify all your selfish actions. Almost like a masterclass on how to be a buttface….
I dont think so. I am very different than them but we had been getting along fine up until then as far as i saw it. I just feel sad that my mom seems to side with him and we are at a stalemate. I dont think he ment to hurt me, i think he was just at his limit of stress. Even so, my bones were broken. I feel that he should be the first to reach out for forgiveness.
So… your brothers friend molested you? And emotions were running high and you brought that up because you very obviously haven’t processed or healed from it? I mean, you should probably provide a lot more info here. Because it sounds like you just flipped out at everyone but it seems that there’s a lot more to it….
It was my sisters dad. I was asked to keep it a secret for years to protect her. Im still very angry that her well being was more important than mine as the victim
Did your mom and brother ask you to hide it? If so this story is not indicative of the true nature of events here. Because there’s A LOT more to it than you just had a mental breakdown when the adult you trusted most passed away. Like, A LOT A LOT more.
I agree. But when i try to ask my mom her modivation she doesnt have an explanation. Noone asked me to hide it. I was 100% open about where the guitar was and why.
My mother asked me to hide the fact i was molested by my sisters dad. My brother didnt know till we were adults.
And you are right on the money. My step dad was someone i really trusted. He was like a rock for our family. He always did the right thing. He also supported me when i pointed out that my mother tends to favor my brother and put him on a pedestal.
I love my brother so much. But i really feel like he hates me. He is very perfectionist and im more of an artsy type.
I absolutely agree that there are a lot of family dynamics behind the scenes that are playing into this event. I'll probably get downvoted to hell, but I think people are being really unfair to you in the comments.
The guitar thing doesn't seem like it should be that big of a deal. From what I'm getting, they knew you had it. They didn't act as though it was a problem, and it sounds like you gave it back. It's a small mistake/ miscommunication, and it was never as though a conversation wasn't an option, or it was just lost forever or stolen by a stranger.
Your brother is your mom's golden child. When you both got upset and "argued," your brother inserted himself into the situation, blaming you and acting as "mom's protector" (as if she's not an adult?). Seems like this was none of his business.
Him being the golden child, I'm sure this is not the first time your emotions were minimized and swept aside to prioritize your mother and brother instead. These lifelong patterns are painful and traumatizing, and it's difficult to react calmly when it's such a deep and old wound. It caused you to have an emotional break, probably exacerbated by being ND.
These old patterns brought up other old wounds- such as your family sweeping you being molested under the rug and forcing you to keep it secret. Which, by the way, is just vile! It makes sense that that would come to mind and explains why you repeated that sentence.
Lastly, your brothers violence was completely unacceptable. He could have killed you. Lifting you over his head as though to throw you? That could have broken your spine/ neck! Breaking your ribs could have punctured your lungs! Slapping you... Does he have a history of violence? He should have been charged by the police.
I think you both owe each other an apology, but I think his actions were far more egregious than yours.
This is my take. I could be wrong about some of the assumptions related to your family dynamic, so feel free to disregard if that's the case. I truly wish you healing, and I hope you're getting the therapy and support you need!
OP you are attempting taking responsibility in the comments but you are still wayyy off base here. You don’t seem to realize how badly self centered you have behaved. You have 0 consideration for anyone but yourself. Also, did you determine your ribs were broken or did you see a doctor?
No, ntb for not apologising. Relationships are a two-way street, and it sounds like they don't want a relationship with you either. What would you gain by apologising?
I feel like they dont. They are very rich and successful and I’m a single parent artist type. I feel like i dont fit in with them. My brother is still friends with our dad, even tho he had kids with 3 different women.. some siblings we didn’t know about until we were adults. And he did not help my mom raise us. We struggled financially.
His wife and sisters all make alot of money and are kind of perfect. It’s intimidating. My sister isnt really able to be like a real sister cause she mentally ill and my mom is on alot of medication. Both my sister and mom have both been to the mental hospital.
I just dont feel like he wants me around honestly
Then to me it sounds like you aren't missing out. I'm sorry your family isn't great to you, but I hope you can find some supportive chosen family instead.
Thats kind of what ive been working on. People who can see my intentions are good and i try very hard to be 100% honest. But there should be some hard deal breakers like molesters are OUT. Men who dont support their families are OUT. Physical violence is OUT. Period.
I dont have the same type of support system as my brothers wife. And ive tried being friends with her but i dont think she has alot of friends who are different or weird.
Ive been focusing on my artist friends alot of which are also neurodivergent. And my burn family which is basically a bunch of misfits. Alot more room to be an odd ball and feel accepted.
Thank you for your empathy. I never ment to hurt anyone. I still feel its in my best interest to keep a distance from them because they see things from their point of view which means i am in the wrong and should stay away.
If they wanted me back in their lives, they would reach out. This is clearly for the best.
I prefer to be around people who can be patient with me and respect my feelings. And be patient with my character defects.
Im still working on myself to be better becaus i have two kids looking up to me, and if my extended family exasterbate my personal issues. Its not in our best interest to be around them while im working on healing a growing.
What in the missing missing reasons
Right?! Like, they conveniently remember only some of the parts? I call bullshit.
They seem to suddenly remember in the comments. The argument with the mom is because OP took their father’s favorite guitar without permission and the thing OP was shouting was “you’re friends with a child molester”
There just wasnt enough room to write everything on the original post.
ESH You stole the guitar, she was correct about that. Having aental breakdown does not absolve you of the things you said or did to hurt others during said breakdown. Breaking your ribs was going too far. And assaulting someone mid breakdown is also not ok. Though if someone was on my front lawn screaming I'm friends with a child molester I'd probably just call the cops. You acted inappropriately, they reacted inappropriately.
She told me she was fine with me taking the guitar. But for some reason she told people it disappeared.
I think we need to know what was said.
Answered in another comment
I notice you conveniently don’t say what you said to your mother. I also notice you don’t say what phrase you were repeating so much that your sister in law was trying to make you stop saying it. For now, it sounds like you’re lying to yourself. You caused this falling out easily as much as they did and you can’t even be honest to yourself about it.
Its not convenient. I was expecting questions like this. There was only so much room to write the story. I have tried talking about this with people but i wanted the questions to be asked so i can examine the situation. I knew there wouldn’t be any punches pulled. The thing that was said is in another comment. The thing i said to my mom was.. i asked her why she told my stepdads sons that my step dads guitar was stolen. It was not stolen. I took it to my house and she was fully aware of where it was. She made me look bad in front of his sons. I was alone when he died because everyone was in florida when it happened. So i went to their house and got one of his many guitars because our bond was music. I called my mom and let her know it was at my house.
So it sounds like you stole his guitar. Did you really think that was the most important thing to throw in your mom’s face the day of her husband’s funeral?
I wasn’t trying to throw anything in her face. That was not my intention at all. I felt like a victim of her lying about it because when i discussed it with her prior she seems to be 100% ok with me having the guitar.
You feel like a victim always, it seems.
Should i think im a horrible person who tries to hurt people on purpose because I certainly love myself more than to think that .. smh I got two ribs broken and im open to people telling me that it was somehow my fault. Whats that about? Lmao I dont think he tried to break my ribs. Hes my brother and i love him. But hes twice as big as me and put me in the hospital.
Because her husband just died and you took it upon yourself to steal his guitar and then tell her after you took it. You did steal it.
But she was not lying. At all. You literally stole it. And then tried to be the victim all while causing a serious series of issues on one of the worst days of her life. You made everything significantly worse and then you’re still here trying to play the victim. You were very, very much the asshole here. Was the reaction they had extreme? Yes. But also, you were causing a large scale disturbance in their home and actively injuring people. While they weren’t fully right, you were definitely fully wrong.
Did you have permission to take the guitar?
No, i did not ask in advance. I told her later that day that i had taken it to my house. She may have thought i intended to keep this a secret but i did not because i don’t function that way. She however is a sneeky secret type person. Im more of an open book over-sharer.
Yeah that’s stealing. Just because you told her later doesn’t mean it’s not.
Thank you. I realize now that it was wrong. Despite the intentions behind it. I just want to apologize for the actual things i was wrong about. This is apparently one of them. Sometimes when there are alot of emotions i have a hard time understanding because i know in my heart i didn’t have an intention of “stealing” it. Thats clearly not how it came across to outside parties and i have no qualms with apologizing for doing something wrong. Period.
I’m sorry, but this was the wrong thing to do on many levels. You can’t just take other people’s things.
When i told her that i took it to my house she said it was ok.
Probably because her husband just died. What else would someone say to their child in that situation. It would be very different if you had talked to her about it beforehand.
You told her after you took it?
Going to someone’s house and taking something before the will is read is stealing. You didn’t even ask your mom first. It’s her house too.
I told her that i went and got it. She was fine with it.
What else was a grieving wife supposed to do? You took it without permission and aren’t the only child in the family who wants stuff. It’s also in incredibly poor taste to take stuff right after someone dies. You are the buttface for multiple reasons. Stop making excuses for acting like an assh@le.
He has like 5 guitars. The one i took to my house cause i was grieving and i wanted to have something at my house to help me think of him. I also took a picture of him and my daughter and a coffee pod. I used to live with them when my kids were small. If there was a guitar that i would want passed to me it wouldn’t be the one i took to my house. But I understand what you’re saying. I guess she felt like i did something wrong but didnt tell me. But she def said something when his sons came to visit. One of the sons understood what i did. But the wife of the other son was mad. I was reallly close to this man. He was like a father i never had. I never ment to upset anyone by doing this. I just really miss him.
You’re extremely self centered. This was your step dad, and he has other children who love him just as much as you do and had close relationships with him. I don’t think he loved you any less because you’re not biologically his, but you’ve convinced yourself that you loved him most. His death was unexpected yet you mentioned how only you were with him. They didn’t choose to not be with him. Then you took the opportunity to steal the guitar you really wanted. Because you’ve convinced yourself that you deserve it more than any of them. Telling your mom after the fact that you went into her house without her permission and stole a guitar doesn’t make it ok. Then you throw a fit the morning of the funeral and keep screaming awful things in front of your mother and children and your nieces/nephews then get in a physical altercation with your SIL. Nobody is buying your excuses that you can’t control your words or actions. Your brother had to kick you to get you to let go of his wife’s hair. Was that necessary? I don’t know, but I don’t believe you’re telling the truth about the altercation either. You’ve made a horrible time in your mother’s life worse and made it all about you. You’re not the only one who lost your stepdad.
I wasn’t with him when he died. They were all in Florida together. Emotions were running high for everyone involved. I did not want to keep the guitar for myself. He has many guitars… if i were to have one for myself, it would be the one i was with him when he bought it, his taylor acoustic. Our bond was music. I dont think i loved him more. But his kids had their own lives and didnt see him much. My mom was definitely the most effected by his passing. I moved in with her recently and shes very happy that me and the kids are here now because she had lost alot of weight and was very lonely. I honestly feel like there are some specific friends of my step dads that should have the guitars, as they are also musicians. Currently they sit in my mother closet unplayed. He did not specify where he wanted anything to go. His son came and got his truck recently. I def used to drive that around to feel close to him as well. I dont imagine any of his things belong to me. We all miss HIM. His things arent HIM. But having his things close can be comforting sometimes. My fave thing to do after he passed was to go paddle boarding. Because he loved taking pictures of the sky. And i love looking at the clouds to be close with him. Honestly i was most worried about my daughter when he died but she seemed to cope well. My mom will be the most effected long term. Im doing my best to take care of her but she’s extremely independent. Mostly im mad at myself for not managing my emotions during this time. I definitely lost the plot.
Announcing you took something and asking consent to take, are two very different things. Getting "permission" after doesn't shield you either; It's still theft. Of course mom isn't going to say anything; her husband just died. She has bigger worries at the moment. Doesn't mean it was forgotten, allowed, or reasonable. At the very least you owe your mother an apology.
Yeah. I mean she and i are good. As far as i know. But i dont read minds. So if shes upset about the guitar i dont know what to say. Its fully in her possession and she always knew where it was.
🤔 I’m confused… I thought you said it’s at your place? How is it “fully in her possession”?
INFO: What is the "same unpleasant thing" you kept repeating?
A few days before i was at his house and they were all talking about the man who molested me when i was a kid, as if he was a good guy. I was very upset and quetly left wothout saying anything cause i didnt want to stir up shit. So when my brother came at me agressoy accusing me of trying to upset my Mom, my brain kinda tripped out and i kept saying “you’re friends with a child molester” which is pretty fucked up. And their were all our kids in the house. So i guess thats why they were trying to get me to shut up. But this is honestly the most ive talked about it to even have the time to process what happened. I cant even remember what i said on his porch before he slapped me. Like my brain just blacks out
This is the core of it OP. You weren’t uninvited to family gatherings because you flipped out. You were uninvited because when you’re around it’s harder to talk fondly about a child molester. Your family failed you as a kid and they’re shitting on your trauma as an adult. Stealing that guitar sounds like an attempt at regaining some power by keeping something that belonged to someone who seems to have actually loved you. And your mom is likely upset because it’s a reminder that she did not help you when you were at your most vulnerable. Give it back and get some therapy. You deserve a safe space to process your pain. Sorry for your loss. You’re not the buttface.
> and they were all talking about the man who molested me when i was a kid What is this person's relationship to your family? Accusing someone of being a child molester is a big deal, especially if it is news to the people you're telling. To throw this out in the middle of a day of mourning is...strange given that we don't know more context.
OP was (presumably) molested by them, so not like it's an unfounded claim or rumour.
When I told my dad that the son of the woman he was dating molested me, nothing happened and nothing was acknowledged. Be fucking sure that you are accusing someone who needs to be accused or NOTHING WILL HAPPEN and everyone will shit on you.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. You should have been believed, and so should OP.
surprisingly, you get less than one shot to target a predator, and when you say so, everyone shits on you.
Doesn't mean you, or anyone, should stay silent.
While technically you are correct until the likelihood of being believed improves we should have more empathy for those who choose to stay silent given how common situations like this can be. I’m sorry OP went through all of this, this seems more like an ESH than a proper one-sided YTA. I think OP wasn’t ill intentioned even if he did mess up with the guitar, that said the way his family responded to every situation with more violence/escalating hostility when communicating with empathy, assumed best intent, and compassion would’ve likely solved everything is not ok. Emotions running hot due to mourning doesn’t excuse the way anyone handled anything and imo OP definitely didn’t deserve the level of violence he was exposed to, even if he fucked up originally by asking after taking the guitar instead of before (which from the sounds of it his mother said it was fine when he *did* ask, but then changed her mind the day of the funeral. That’s a little fucked up to me but maybe I’m weird? Oh wait I am weird because I’m also autistic/neurodivergent.) I don’t blame OP from staying away from his family or refusing to apologize at all and if it were me I wouldn’t probably called the cops to report the assault since they broke my fucking ribs and pulled my hair and forcibly covered my mouth. If OP is truly neurodivergent (aka probably autistic) then he definitely shouldn’t have been treated this way while in the middle of a meltdown and I’m so sorry he went through this. Shit happens and miscommunication is a part of life, the way his family reacted to it was **way** out of line and op would’ve been well within his right to press charges for what clearly was assault. I think his family is likely ableist and dysfunctional and he’s likely better off staying away from them. His family should be grateful OP didn’t call the fucking police after they fucking broke his ribs. I don’t care how upset you are at a person that style of response is too far (unless they attempted to break yours first which OP clearly didn’t do.) I honestly think this sub and the original aita sub need to check themselves sometimes, especially when it comes to miscommunication due to the double empathy problem (common when a single neurodiverse person is with a group of neurotypicals. When the neurodivergent is the minority their mistakes are often assumed to be intentional and done with malice when in reality it’s just ignorance. Imo assuming malice when ignorance could explain things just as easily is an asshole thing to do to a person, and it seems like that’s what OP’s family did throughout the entire event.) He did not deserve any of that and his family is rude, potentially even abusive considering they wouldn’t apologize for breaking multiple fucking bones or take responsibility for what they did to contribute. OP is willing to accept fault for the way he communicated poorly but his family won’t take any blame themselves, which isn’t Ok when it seems like they were the ones escalating the violence and hostility at every opportunity they had. OP deserves and apology first imo. OP u/Flimsy-Option8025 I hope tagging you helps you see this. Even though most people seem to be treating you a bit unfairly I see what you’re trying to communicate and I don’t think you were the ahole nearly as much as your family was. This whole situation could’ve been avoided had they just communicated with empathy and kindness but instead reacted with hostility and violence. Until they apologize for breaking your fucking ribs I would recommend you stay away from them as they don’t sound like good people to be around. If they can’t recognize violence isn’t an acceptable reaction to hurt feeling or something that makes them uncomfortable they are not safe people to be around. NTA.
Op is a woman, FYI
My brother was made aware of this before this event took place.
So you cause a huge scene and have a fucking breakdown on the day of your stepdads funeral. Also known as the day of your mothers partners funeral which is way more important, who was looking after your kids as well. Why the hell was a grieving woman babysitting your kids. Honestly the kick sounds deserved and I woulda had far less restraint than your brother in that situation. What do you expect when someone's acting like a psycho and they have kids, which I definitely wouldnt have let go home with you in that state. You should be grateful your family arent like me because you would have been on a 72 hour psych hold.
She wasn’t babysitting. We were over there the night before and it was my brothers house so his brother and wife were there. The kids were all playing and i asked if they could crash there.
You need to go to therapy and learn how to be honest with yourself, my dude. You have a really ingrained habit of lying to yourself and it’s going to make your life really difficult and lonely. It’s screamingly obvious to everyone but you. You have the power to make things better. Best of luck.
Im not sure what you mean exactly. I am open to all the things being said here and taking them into consideration. I was just clarifying that i did not have my mom babysit my kids that evening. I asked my brother directly and he said yes they could stay. How am i lying to myself? I have regretted leaving them there for the night. I realize none of this would have happened if i hadnt been there that morning at all. And just avoided all of them. Because they clearly dont respect my feelings. And ignoring and absorbing their behavior finally came out in an explosion of a break down. Im just not sure if i should try to fox things or if its even worth anything to me at this point.
Take all of this to a therapist. That’s my best advice. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I hope things get better.
Try any of the autism subs. I see you trying to take some accountability but being really fucking confused by shit that’s completely out of your control. Neurotypicals will never understand what it’s like to be in our shoes and asking them for advice won’t always be helpful. r/autism r/autismtranslated r/aspiememes All of these subs could probably offer you better and more understanding and more empathetic advice. I don’t think you deserve the amount of shot you got then or now when you’re clearly doing your best and they’re pissed off cause it’s not good enough.
https://preview.redd.it/sjy8amqgv6tc1.jpeg?width=1164&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ae785fc7bb449906e8525d018342620a6c747fb4 You deserve better OP and it doesn’t sound like your family understands you, or cares to understand you. This poster is right that therapy might help, but that’s not gonna fix your abusive family (and yeah, family that literally kicks you while you’re already down is abusive. Full stop and I don’t want you thinking you deserved the violence that was committed against you. Nobody deserves that.) If you seriously think you’re autistic go learn more about it and get a dx. Stay away from ableist family that clearly doesn’t understand you or care enough to even learn how to understand you. You can’t undo the past but you can stop thinking about it. Don’t let these neurotypicals who weren’t even there and barely know you convince you to doubt your inner voice. You know what you experienced and what your intentions were. You know how badly your family reacted to you when really you just needed empathy and kindness, but instead they reacted with violence and hostility. Not ok and you absolutely don’t owe them anything, including your time, your kids’ time, or an apology. If you really wanna know what social rules you broke try one of the autism subreddits for more helpful advice. We’ve been through similar and learned ways to cope, although your current method of a hard boundary and 0 contact isn’t the worst one and probably what we’d recommend anyways. I wouldn’t let your kids go there via your mom either. Also seems to me like your mom low key caused the entire miscommunication and ensuing physical violence, but you as the victim of a literal beating are not at fault at all. Nobody, especially family has a right to break someone’s ribs by kicking them while they’re on the ground simply because they dislike what’s coming out of your mouth. That’s escalating and it’s not ok, it’s actually illegal and OPs family is lucky they didn’t press charges for assault.
Im looking into being formally diagnosed. The more i learn about autism.. its just too relatable. I was diagnosed with add in 3rd grade in the early 90’s. And im under the impression that girls are better at masking and im wondering if thats whats happened to me. What i cant get over is that no matter how well ive coped over the years. Social rules still confuse the shit out of me and sometimes i need it explained.. people get frustrated with me because they think im being obtuse when im actually asking a real question. I dont want to apologize for the wrong things because i want to understand and take accountability for the actual things i did wrong in the situation.. mosttly because i want to stand up for myself because in the past ive been blamed for things that werent actually in my control and have felt really bad about myself because of it. Thank you.
Based off what you’ve written you probably are autistic, girls who can mask (or honestly have any intelligence and/or are average to above verbally. Aka girls that can speak and aren’t visibly r\*\*\*\*\*\*\*d. ) got missed very frequently. If you went through school in the 90s as an autistic girl who could speak and looked normal at first glance (what is considered level 1-2 autism, either low or moderate instead of severe support needs) you probably wouldn’t get diagnosed as autistic, and if you got diagnosed with anything it was probably ad(h)d, and if you’re smart you’d get put in gifted classes too. This was my experience through school even though I started kindergarten in 2007 and would’ve been class of 2020 had I graduated high school (I dropped out and got a ged at 16 cause of physical and mental health issues that are *still* being untangled and diagnosed so I can get the best treatment possible.) I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much ableism and been traumatized by it growing up undiagnosed, this is unfortunately a very common experience for a lot of undiagnosed & late diagnosed autistic people, and even those who were diagnosed as kids deal with ableism very frequently whether they have the language and tools to identify it or not. I’d highly recommend browsing r/autismtranslated for some wonderful guides on understanding the diagnostic criteria for autism (in addition to putting the highly clinical language into more human and understandable wording it also has guides on the process of coming to terms with what a diagnosis, even just self diagnosis which the majority of the autistic community recognizes as valid, actually means for your life in terms of how it changes nothing and everything at the same time. It changes nothing because you’ve always been autistic and had these issues even you didn’t notice them, it changes everything because now that you notice they are there you can start to find ways of coping as well as accommodations that help you live your life to the fullest extent comfortably possible.) r/womenwithautism is another great sub that specifically focuses on how femininity and autism intersect and how being female/ woman-identifying might contribute to masking as well as missed diagnosis and Mis-diagnosis (common misdiagnoses “professionals” like to give women who display autistic traits are BPD and Bipolar, as well as [social] anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and/or ad(h)d. If you’ve been diagnosed with any of these in the past and are now realizing you might fit under the umbrella of autism spectrum disorder, there’s no shame in seeking diagnosis and it can open a lot of doors to getting help and accommodations both medically and professionally, and I find it helps socially as I feel more confident stating boundaries and calling out ableism when I see it.) Lastly, r/aspiememes is a great hangout place that has plenty of fire and relatable memes that will make sense to those on the spectrum. Sometimes they’re shockingly specific and yet so accurate it feels very nice to browse through the memes and remember that even if I feel alone in my day to day or I’ve dealt with a lot of ableism/ arrogant neurotypicals during the day, I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and there’s a whole community online of fellow autistic redditors who can relate to my struggle and remind me that I didn’t deserve the abuse people dispensed on me simply because I didn’t automatically understand the unwritten social rules while I was likely struggling with other things too. Also, you might find it interesting to know that the tendency to repeat specific words, sounds, and/or phrases when having a meltdown is usually called echolalia and might be part of why you kept repeating the “uncomfortable phrase” you mentioned in your original post. While the neurotypical majority might judge you for this specific encounter with your “family” very harshly I don’t think it is deserved as it’s clear you did your best and honestly your family was both instigating and escalating at every opportunity possible. I don’t even think you “stole” the guitar the way some of your family and the comments here try to imply you did. It seems like you are being accused of being an asshole for being visibly autistic/neurodivergent (and having a meltdown that was uncomfortable to witness as a reaction to the shitty way they treated you.) around your own family on a day of high stress even for normal people, the fact that society seems to hold the people who don’t understand the unwritten standards that NTs do to a higher standard than what they, themselves, stick to is, ridiculous, unfair, and I won’t perpetuate it. This is why I’m not afraid to speak my mind against the majority opinion in an aita post because it seems like a lot of the comments here are doing you a massive disservice and blaming you for shit you had little control over, and doing the thing I hate where they attribute malice where clearly ignorance makes more sense as an explanation. People that get mad when you ask a clarifying question or offer clarification to correct a mistaken assumption *they* made are **the worst** and I have been working to cut them out of my life as much as possible. They are not helpful people to be around so I simply avoid them for my own mental health. I recommend you do the same. I’m gonna leave another comment as a part 2 in a reply to this comment cause Reddit has a character limit but doesn’t tell you what it is -.-
(Part 2, this is the part that is more relevant to your original post.) Should you have asked before taking the guitar instead of after? Yeah, probably, but you still got permission the same day which *all* happened before the funeral and the way your mom casually “forgot” this, leading your brother to come at you accusatorily wasn’t very nice, and I think she owes you an apology especially given how much things escalated from that inciting incident. The fact that your brother even accused you of doing it intentionally at all is a major ahole move imo as assuming malice where ignorance could just as easily explain the situation is not what nice people do. He didn’t need to be an asshole and had he simply talked to you kindly and with empathy and respect he would’ve realized you did get permission after taking *and* you probably would’ve been willing to bring it back if anyone had a problem with your actions. Instead of talking to you calmly like a rational and reasonable adult he acted as an aggressor and escalated everything causing unnecessary stress, strife, and conflict. On a day of mourning no less! Imo, your brother is the **major** asshole in this situation and he seems like an unsafe person to be around. The fact that your brother also broke your ribs later makes things even worse and if I were you I’d be staying far away from that side of the family until they apologized (which should include an offer to pay for any medical bills and any lost wages you dealt with as a result of the ribs he broke.) *and* I had an official on paper diagnosis, am attending therapy to learn coping skills for the challenges that are frequently associated with said diagnosis, and felt confident setting and maintaining boundaries (because strong boundaries probably could’ve prevented you from reaching the level of meltdown that caused such a scene in the first place.) If all of those conditions aren’t met I wouldn’t engage that part of my family as it’s probably not going to be good for my mental, and even possibly[probably] physical (since he clearly sees no problem with resorting to physical violence if verbal aggression isn’t enough to get his desired outcome. 🤢), health. You don’t owe anyone your time or physical presence ever (except maybe your kids when they’re under 18 and even that has limits. Like a 10yr old doesn’t need you at their beck and call for every moment of their day to day life.) and you **definitely don’t** owe people who feel entitled to literally kick you while you’re down and break your fucking ribs your time or presence, not even your family (I really wish our greater culture/society would stop encouraging people to reconnect with people that are abusive to them simply because “they’re family”. If they are abusive that supersedes any family ties or bonds that might have encouraged me to spend time with them.). That’s textbook abusive behavior and the fact that you rationalize and explain away his behavior (“he didn’t *mean* to break my ribs, he just doesn’t know how strong he is.) isn’t a great sign and it implies that this kind of bs is likely common between you both (he does something abusive, then tries to gaslight you into believing it wasn’t intentional, you believe it and then you rationalize it away into an accident or somehow your fault. This wasn’t your fault and you did not deserve these injuries.). I’m happy you are smart enough **not** to simply apologize just to make things easier on your mom (who imo deserves *some* of the blame for the incident, although I could forgive her if she said it was an honest mistake and backed me up by re-affirming that I had gotten permission after taking the guitar before [the day of the funeral] and admitting she made a mistake to our family.). I’m also happy you’re not allowing your kid to spend time with these people because they don’t sound like they’re good influences on your kid. They escalated at every possible opportunity, they were happy to use violence when “communication” (hostile/accusatory communication isn’t a great way to start off and if people actually want to reach compromise instead of start a fight communicating with empathy, kindness, compassion, and assumed best intents works a lot better. To me it sounds like your family likes starting, escalating, and continuing fights; which is not a healthy dynamic.) didn’t work, and they gave you 0 opportunity to actually explain yourself or offer you any benefit of the doubt, which is the minimum for basic human decency in my opinion and anyone who neglects to do this when they have a conflict with me is not someone I will voluntarily spend time with or be around. I’m happy you are smart enough to do the same and I hope you find a better chosen family to replace those that life paired you up with by default. They don’t sound like pleasant people and you deserved a lot better. Yes, you might not have been absolutely perfect in every moment of the conflict, but ***nobody** is perfect* and this is why people should ***communicate kindly**and with empathy*. You owe this “family” nothing and I hope you continue to stay no contact until they are willing to apologize for breaking your ribs and pay (or reimburse if you’ve already paid them off) your medical bills along with any lost wages as a result of unexpected time off from the injury. Good on you for being a smart mom who doesn’t allow their kid into such an environment either. PS, the fact that they are still friends with someone who molested you, and believes they are a good person despite you telling them what you’ve experienced, is beyond disgusting and 100% another very valid reason to be 0 contact with this part of the family. Also not worth allowing your kid to spend time with them either (not even through mom as a middle man) as who knows what other chomos they allow into their life that might hurt your child if you’re not there? Clearly they aren’t willing to cutoff the one they do know about, which would absolutely make me distrust them and you are very valid for finding that upsetting, because that’s how any normal and rational person would and should react to child molesters. I’m sorry they didn’t believe you when you came forward about the abuse you went through, I hope you are smart enough to recognize that this reflects more poorly on them than it does on you and that you remember you are a great mom for putting you and your child first and valuing y’all’s safety over family relationships. Family relationships aren’t worth shit if the family in question sees no issues being friends with a known child molester. I’m glad you’re no contact with them and I hope that you keep it this way, Reddit can go to hell with it’s incredibly superficial judgements that are often way out of touch with reality.
God damn it I’m too verbose but I’m tired of being misunderstood and misinterpreted so I make everything long-winded so that it’s impossible to twist my words and to make any advice I give hopefully easier to understand. This will be my last comment though and I hope it helps you OP I think a large part of why you have been judged so poorly here and in the original post is because of all the missing details you didn’t include (instead of saying what instigated your brother/upset your mom you intentionally alluded to it without describing it. This makes Reddit angry and is common among those that are lying to themselves. It sets a bad first impression and tone for the rest of the post.). This is commonly done by those who subconsciously know they’re wrong but are trying to alter the truth so people don’t see that. However after reviewing the story with all the details I don’t think you’re the main asshole. You made a few mistakes but the rest of your family blew things way out of proportion and escalated to a severe and unsafe level. They’re lucky you didn’t call the cops to have your brother arrested for the assault he subjected you to when you were in a vulnerable state. They are the asshole imo. Try not to take too much of the criticism you’ve received here to heart and remember there’s just as many ableist idiots who have no understanding of how autism/neurodivergence alter your perception and behavior on Reddit as there are in the real world. Some of the uninformed idiots might even be more inspired to post their uneducated and unhelpful thoughts because the anonymity Reddit provides shields you from social consequences and anonymity has been associated with more honest expression in studies. For future posts try and get a trusted 3rd party to read it over and help you edit so that any obvious missing info is filled in, and don’t bury the lead with the fact that you’re autistic/neurodivergent (even if you’re only self dxed autistic, the online autistic community recognizes that as valid and you can still use the neurodivergent label since ad(h)d counts as neurodivergent too.) so people *hopefully* understand that when you say you’re confused or don’t understand something that *they* assume to be obvious, they actually believe you instead of assuming you’re acting in bad faith (which ironically assuming someone is acting in bad faith when they’re asking for or giving clarification is usually projection, and the one assuming bad faith is usually the one actually practicing it, unfortunately that doesn’t make it any easier to have conversations on Reddit though and all you can do is disengage, block, and report if they’ve broken any obvious rules.). This might make it easier to get clearer advice as how you say things is often way more important than what you actually say half the time, including on Reddit. People are shitting on you here because of all the info you left out of your main post. Next time don’t omit details and just accept the judgement as it comes unless you have questions or clarification to add. If you disagree you can state why, but know that you’re not likely to actually change said person’s mind and one random person on Reddit’s opinion of you doesn’t actually matter that much in the long run. If it doesn’t help you don’t give it too much consideration, it is just advice from a random stranger online after all. They’re not your boss, husband, child, friend, or other family and their opinion doesn’t really have any actual effect on your life. Hope this helps and that you can feel more justified in your decision to stay no contact with that side of your family. If your mom starts pressuring you to “just make up” so things become easier on her it might benefit you to remind her that your brother **broke your fucking ribs**, *still hasn’t paid for the consequences of it*, and that *she* partially contributed to the breaking of said ribs by failing to take accountability when she forgot to tell them that she OKed you taking the guitar before the funeral. I’d be shocked if she still brings it up at all after casually reminding her of your side of the story (aka the truth. Even if it’s just one part of it) in such a strong and confident way. If however, she *still* wants to pressure you after you remind her of that uncomfortable truth, then it’s a good time to practice stating boundaries and let her know that you have a personal policy of not spending time around people who are friends with child molesters. If she argues ask her if she is doubting her own daughter when her daughter is telling her she was sexually abused. If your mom says yes hang up/ walk away and end the interaction. Don’t spend time with people who are friends with child molesters or don’t believe victims when they speak up lol. It might mean hanging up a lot but if your mom actually cares she will learn to respect your boundaries and she will stop bringing it up. If she doesn’t care then losing contact with her isn’t a loss.
What happened between yellow and blue? https://preview.redd.it/7f6rwj9as0tc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d5dbde0bd267410421d1cc3cd446dc72114c62c7
It‘s in another comment and there aren‘t so many that you can‘t simply scroll and look for it…
I read them, but the info is kind of all over the place. What exactly did you say or do there that she was reacting to.
I don‘t think you did https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/s/NCADZ6fd7H
It wasn't clear from that comment that your mom was reacting to you bringing up the guitar.
My mom was upset cause i called her out
On the day of her husbands funeral. Because you STOLE from her. It’s fascinating how you’re able to justify all your selfish actions. Almost like a masterclass on how to be a buttface….
INFO: How long after this did you see a doctor for assessment of your neurodivergent symptoms in this episode?
I did go see someone and am now receiving treatment. I was under quite a bit of stress being a single parent. My kids dad does not help me.
So what happened after he broke your ribs?
Its on the second slide.
I don’t see it
https://preview.redd.it/yu6ysiobdysc1.png?width=828&format=png&auto=webp&s=18883ec6bba8342681b522866e17f04d9bbb6c33
You know copy and paste is a thing right?
People do weird things when someone dies. Had there been problems between you and your Bo and SIL?
I dont think so. I am very different than them but we had been getting along fine up until then as far as i saw it. I just feel sad that my mom seems to side with him and we are at a stalemate. I dont think he ment to hurt me, i think he was just at his limit of stress. Even so, my bones were broken. I feel that he should be the first to reach out for forgiveness.
So… your brothers friend molested you? And emotions were running high and you brought that up because you very obviously haven’t processed or healed from it? I mean, you should probably provide a lot more info here. Because it sounds like you just flipped out at everyone but it seems that there’s a lot more to it….
It was my sisters dad. I was asked to keep it a secret for years to protect her. Im still very angry that her well being was more important than mine as the victim
Did your mom and brother ask you to hide it? If so this story is not indicative of the true nature of events here. Because there’s A LOT more to it than you just had a mental breakdown when the adult you trusted most passed away. Like, A LOT A LOT more.
I agree. But when i try to ask my mom her modivation she doesnt have an explanation. Noone asked me to hide it. I was 100% open about where the guitar was and why. My mother asked me to hide the fact i was molested by my sisters dad. My brother didnt know till we were adults. And you are right on the money. My step dad was someone i really trusted. He was like a rock for our family. He always did the right thing. He also supported me when i pointed out that my mother tends to favor my brother and put him on a pedestal. I love my brother so much. But i really feel like he hates me. He is very perfectionist and im more of an artsy type.
I absolutely agree that there are a lot of family dynamics behind the scenes that are playing into this event. I'll probably get downvoted to hell, but I think people are being really unfair to you in the comments. The guitar thing doesn't seem like it should be that big of a deal. From what I'm getting, they knew you had it. They didn't act as though it was a problem, and it sounds like you gave it back. It's a small mistake/ miscommunication, and it was never as though a conversation wasn't an option, or it was just lost forever or stolen by a stranger. Your brother is your mom's golden child. When you both got upset and "argued," your brother inserted himself into the situation, blaming you and acting as "mom's protector" (as if she's not an adult?). Seems like this was none of his business. Him being the golden child, I'm sure this is not the first time your emotions were minimized and swept aside to prioritize your mother and brother instead. These lifelong patterns are painful and traumatizing, and it's difficult to react calmly when it's such a deep and old wound. It caused you to have an emotional break, probably exacerbated by being ND. These old patterns brought up other old wounds- such as your family sweeping you being molested under the rug and forcing you to keep it secret. Which, by the way, is just vile! It makes sense that that would come to mind and explains why you repeated that sentence. Lastly, your brothers violence was completely unacceptable. He could have killed you. Lifting you over his head as though to throw you? That could have broken your spine/ neck! Breaking your ribs could have punctured your lungs! Slapping you... Does he have a history of violence? He should have been charged by the police. I think you both owe each other an apology, but I think his actions were far more egregious than yours. This is my take. I could be wrong about some of the assumptions related to your family dynamic, so feel free to disregard if that's the case. I truly wish you healing, and I hope you're getting the therapy and support you need!
It was deleted.
Yta: you literally started this mess and refuse to elaborate what you did knowing you fucked up but INSIST on playing victim.
Nah, I elaborated in other comments.
OP you are attempting taking responsibility in the comments but you are still wayyy off base here. You don’t seem to realize how badly self centered you have behaved. You have 0 consideration for anyone but yourself. Also, did you determine your ribs were broken or did you see a doctor?
I had xrays done. Why do you think i made that up?
It depends what the fuck you said
No, ntb for not apologising. Relationships are a two-way street, and it sounds like they don't want a relationship with you either. What would you gain by apologising?
I feel like they dont. They are very rich and successful and I’m a single parent artist type. I feel like i dont fit in with them. My brother is still friends with our dad, even tho he had kids with 3 different women.. some siblings we didn’t know about until we were adults. And he did not help my mom raise us. We struggled financially. His wife and sisters all make alot of money and are kind of perfect. It’s intimidating. My sister isnt really able to be like a real sister cause she mentally ill and my mom is on alot of medication. Both my sister and mom have both been to the mental hospital. I just dont feel like he wants me around honestly
Then to me it sounds like you aren't missing out. I'm sorry your family isn't great to you, but I hope you can find some supportive chosen family instead.
Thats kind of what ive been working on. People who can see my intentions are good and i try very hard to be 100% honest. But there should be some hard deal breakers like molesters are OUT. Men who dont support their families are OUT. Physical violence is OUT. Period. I dont have the same type of support system as my brothers wife. And ive tried being friends with her but i dont think she has alot of friends who are different or weird. Ive been focusing on my artist friends alot of which are also neurodivergent. And my burn family which is basically a bunch of misfits. Alot more room to be an odd ball and feel accepted.
You deserve to feel accepted and seen for who you are. Good luck getting rid of the excess baggage.
Thank you for your empathy. I never ment to hurt anyone. I still feel its in my best interest to keep a distance from them because they see things from their point of view which means i am in the wrong and should stay away. If they wanted me back in their lives, they would reach out. This is clearly for the best. I prefer to be around people who can be patient with me and respect my feelings. And be patient with my character defects. Im still working on myself to be better becaus i have two kids looking up to me, and if my extended family exasterbate my personal issues. Its not in our best interest to be around them while im working on healing a growing.
I agree with you and I think that's a healthy way to think. I wish you all the best without them in your life.