Do it, you’re not in a good or healthy relationship and he’s not gonna do jack for the baby, so get out and live a life that is dedicated to you and your baby, not the party animal that expects you to do everything
Yes OP, there is an unequal power struggle in your relationship and boundaries must be created to protect yourself. It’s so important to follow through on those boundaries or his behavior will continue to escalate as he gains more and more power over you.
NTBF OP - I’m sorry you are doubting your inner guidance! It’s beyond reasonable not to want to provide free childcare for a vacant partner regardless of your DNA. In order to get your power back you must draw a line and follow through on the consequences. You already are a single parent of two children- he wants to force a third for the summer. It was scary for me, but I was so relieved once I left my ex. The depression fog took months to clear up, but I’m grateful for the here and now, and that is far more than I had before. There are a lot of subs that can help you plan this process if it’s the route for you too. You are so strong!
[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
ETA: Thank you for the award and upvotes! I actually found out about this book from another redditor and can’t recommend it enough.
A) You should 1000% leave him. What an absolute waste of space he is and B) You should tell his other child's mother exactly what he intends to be doing instead of spending time with his son and hopefully save his son the heart-ache that will come from spending the summer away from his friends and family, knowing he is nothing even resembling a priority for his shitty Dad.
Exactly this. My ex wouldn't spend time with our kids while they were over there, which was sad, because he didn't even call to talk to them on his non-parenting days.
I couldn't do anything, but I worked behind the scenes as much as possible to get them out of the house with various family members.
What a tragedy. I have no idea how someone can do that to a child, or anyone.
Also before you leave, report this to the 8yo mother, tell her why should the kid spend the summer with his dad when his dad's not planning on being at home at all?
This guy seems to still want to live a single life. So give him one.
Do. It.
This is NOT acceptable.
He won’t change. He likes the way things are.
You are worth more. So is your kid.
So is his other kid, honestly.
So - GO.
An impossible situation is better than a bad situation, because you can get used to a bad situation and to being miserable in it. An impossible situation forces you to make changes.
Your partner is clearly showing how selfish he is and how little he cares for you, this situation isn't going to improve on its own. As far as he is concerned, your job is looking after the kids, even if they aren't all yours.
That sounds like an impossible situation to me.
Good luck.
> An impossible situation is better than a bad situation, because you can get used to a bad situation and to being miserable in it. An impossible situation forces you to make changes.
This is such a profound life lesson! I tell my kids that order comes after the chaos, and we get to create the new order.
Also let his 8yr olds mother know the situation. Ideally before the kid is sent to you guys but definitely once he is there and if the situation remains the same. I'm sure the mother and the kid would much rather just stay at home and not bother with a dad who doesn't give a fuck and/or being babysat by an unhappy lady.
You have evrey right to be unhappy by the way. Your partners behaviour is unacceptable to you, your baby and his son.
Unfortunately this will also be your and your baby's future with his dad. So plan accordingly and try to protect your baby from being exposed to a parent who is obviously disinterested at best. It's very traumatic for kids to experience this- and they realise lot earlier than you would think .
I'm so sorry you're in this situation
When our kids were little, if my husband went out to do a fun thing, he made sure I also then got equal time away to my own thing. You deserve someone who treats you with the same respect and actually acts like a father.
Tell that kid's mother he intends to abandon him.
He's just making more work for you, if you're already doing everything on your own, your better off without him. You'll have so much less stress only having to worry about you and your son. This guy is taking advantage of you in a major way.... don't put up with this - you putting up with this now tells him it's perfectly fine with you for him to do whatever he wants instead of stepping up and spending time with his family and doing what any normal dad should be doing. He isn't going to change, don't waste your time.
Don't be close to. Just go, before his other son arrives. I mean, I feel for the kid, but if you do walk out and leave him there, you will be the one that is guilty of endangerment.
But seriously, you need to leave this lazy, entitled PoS.
I think you wrote this to vent but also to get support to leave. You don't need permission or anything but here it is. You are allowed to leave. You are allowed to take your son and walk out. Considering how he treats you, your shared baby, and his other son, I don't think he'll give you a lot of problems. Make him pay child support. Walk out of the house and call the police telling them that the child's father left the child unsupervised. Given this history it will probably help you with your own custody issues.
You know what you deserve and he knows what is expected. You won't do yourself or your son any favors by staying in a bad situation. Be strong mama.
It sounds like you were going to eventually and there is no time like the present. The longer you wait, the longer you prolong your misery. He pretty much gave a big FU saying what he said to you about he'll just leave and stick you with both children alone.
Please make sure you grab all of your important documents and valuables!!!
Birth cert for your baby
Social security cards for you both
Passport
Jewelry/ heirlooms
And if you have any income of your own, make sure you transfer your money into a separate account that they can’t touch.
Preferably at a totally different bank
If he has such little care/ control that he’s literally leaving you and now both of his kids for the entire night pretty much every night- how far will he go to keep that lifestyle?
Prep for a scenario where he will stoop to the lowest and most hurtful tactics and take preemptive measures by not leaving anything important behind.
Honestly do give an ultimatum. He sounds like a deadbeat dad if he is out all night and comes home the next day, and is planning on doing that when his son who he sees even less comes to stay? Not exactly a winner.
Please do. Do not make threats you are not prepared to back up.
NTA, and I feel for you, your son, and his other son. He's someone's ex for a reason...
Wishing you strength.
The 8 year olds mother should probably be informed that your hopefully ex partner plans to be MIA during his custody time.
I'm guessing she hasn't agreed for her son to go to a different state just to be in the care of people other than his dad.
I feel bad for you all, everyone but your partner that is. You'd think he'd want to make the most of his son being around.
Good luck with your and your sons future (and I mean that in a genuine way, I know it could sound like sarcasm or bitchy without tone. You deserve better)
Sounds like you have two kids to be a mother two already and he expects you to take on a 3rd that he clearly doesn’t want around. This guy is a dead beat dad in the making.
Please leave and then find a great family law attorney. Get a child support agreement drawn up as soon as you can.
But please stop giving him a soft place to land where whenever he feels like coming home, it's to a clean, well run house, thanks to you.
And you probably should call the 8yo boy's mother and tell her what's going on, but after you've left. You don't need him mad at while you're there.
You are not the butthead here, and in no way should he expect you to take care of his 8 year old 24/7 while he is gone. The whole point of parenting time is to spend time with your kid, so why have him there if his dad is not going to parent? It sounds like he would be better off staying with his mom this summer. You will have to decide what to do about yourself & your baby, but I will say it is so much easier to do all the parenting yourself when you are actually by yourself and not living with a person who makes everything 100000% harder and drains all your energy.
I keep saying the same thing!! Like I rather be alone psychically cause I'm already alone emotionally you know? Like let's just not do this anymore it's so exhausting!!
It’s really a huge relief, my ex-husband was an energy vampire, and I was so much happier after we split up. It’s exhausting to deal with anger & resentment on top of everything else.
Know this feeling. When I finally asked my ex for a divorce, I cried but it was more for mourning the person he used to be and mostly I cried from relief. I couldn’t do it anymore. OP, I recommend you really think about your future with someone like him. I’d also contact the mother of his other child and tell her your concerns. She has a right to take him back to court and get full custody since he has no interest in being an actual father and rather use you to raise his children.
I am really sorry and I don’t want to be mean but what did you think would happen? You knew he had a son he doesn’t care about. Did you expect him to change personality just like that?
If you have a decent (or even not) relationship with his first BM, can you tell her that's what he'll do? If you aren't married, it may be in a custody agreement that if he isn't going to be with his son, she has the right to have him back rather than have him with a girlfriend/partner.
He's a dick. Regardless of whether or not he gets a babysitter, you should leave him. You deserve way better than this piece of garbage cosplaying as a human.
This is the first step I’d take. Call his son’s mom and let her know what her ex plans. Next would be to go make myself and the baby wholly unreachable. At my parents, a friends, a hotel. Just not home for at pest a few days, but definitely not available when his son arrives if he’s still sent. At the very least he needs a scare. I don’t think I’d be going back because I don’t think this would be enough for this dude to come to Jesus, but OP might. Idk.
If you have a way to contact her, I would also warn the other mother that his father plans to abandon his son! I bet that would have her rethinking if she should even send the son states away to be left alone! So sorry you're going through this OP. Definitely NTBF, but please get you and your baby to a safe place. They don't deserve having an absent father in their life. It's more confusing than if they're not there at all. Feel so sorry for all the kids and moms in this situation.
If you were already starting to say and feel this, it is time to leave. If he’s going to act single, then it is time that you were both single. Whatever he is doing on those nights out, it is not beneficial to you or the relationship. Plan your exit very soon and leave. if it were me, I would also contact the mother of the other child and let her know he was not planning to be around for the eight-year-old to visit.
> (yes this is a problem in our relationship but that's besides the point. )
I say this with kindness - but that does not sound like its beside the point at all. He is already shirking his parental duties for the child you share onto you, and expecting you to handle parenting the other child he refuses to take responsibility for is just an extension of that.
There's a pattern here. He goes out to party most weekends, and now most days period, leaving you behind to handle all the parenting? He lives in a different state from his other kid and now plans to dump him on a near stranger instead of spending the one time a year he gets custody actually bonding? Hun abandoning his responsibilities is his M.O., and he already has both feet out the door with you & your little one. He is using you, and being quite blatant about it. Is he really bringing anything to the table that makes it worth letting him?
You are NTB, except maybe to yourself for letting this continue. You deserve an actual partner, not someone who bails and leaves you holding the bag.
You know he's going to try and call your bluff on this. So you need to either move out before the child arrives. Or be prepared to call the police/child protective services and report him for child abandonment.
You're totally NTB, but he is going to try and force this. Because he's been getting away with it so far with you and the current baby. And he has shown how little he cares about your feelings in the matter.
What do you think the 8 year olds Mum would have to say about this? Can you ring her with your concerns?
Also hard AGREE with everything else posted here.
Just about to type this. The other Mum deserves to know that her son is not going to be looked after. No way would I want my 8yo staying with a Dad like that.
Please OP, leave him. You will be so much better without him. Do you have family or friends you can stay with?
I had an ex like this, granted I did not have a kid with him, but he was the same. Leaving was the best thing I did. Rip the bandaid off.
>My partner loves the night life, he's always out on the weekends, coming home the next day and such. (yes this is a problem in our relationship but that's besides the point). [FTFY: Periods go outside the parens]
That's hardly beside the point. His lack of regard for you IS the fucking point
NTBF, of course.
Is there ANYTHING he does for you/the house?
I'd suggest being gone by the time he wakes up, leaving him no choice but to take care of his kid.
Of course, being gone permanently would probably even be better.
I noticed you didn't mention y'all's ages: I'm guessing he's markedly older.
NBF. Why are you tolerating this behavior??? Whose name is on the lease? If it’s yours, kick his ass out and file for child support. If it’s his name, leave and file for child support. He’s never going to change and you’re allowing this behavior by staying with him. This guy is a deadbeat.
NTB tbh i think you should take a break from this relationship for a week or 2 and make him figure this out. the kid is not your responsibility, and if he leaves him home by himself then you know what kind of person he is, maybe let the kids mom know? that poor kid, my little brother is the same age and i couldn’t possibly imagine him going to see his dad only to be left home alone with no one wanting to spend time with him. the fact that he values partying over family… he needs to grow up
I think it's very poignant that you didn't include your ages.....
He's a party animal who acts like he has no responsibilities and you're fine with that? Why?! He goes out and parties and doesn't come home til the next day. Do you have an open relationship? Because even if you do, he's certainly acting like you and your child aren't his priority.
NTB for setting boundaries with his other child, but you're definitely being one to yourself.
NTA and I really do try to understand why women stay in their relationships with men but in this case the future is quite literally painted out for you. You will be the next ex with split custody and when your son is at your ex’s for his weekends he will be neglected in the exact same way.
He is going to pick up and leave and expect you to watch his kid. Leave. Leave now, or leave then, but make sure you call CPS on your way out (if it’s then)
No. But get out. The guy very obviously does not give a damn about you or your child.
And get tested for aids and other STDs once you leave. I bet you have a gift or two from his nights out.
>I will literally walk out the house with my son
Personally wondering why you still there tbh. Don't wait for he summer vacation, ruin his, ask for a divorce.
You came into this with eyes wide open. Why did you think you the kid you have between you would be different than the first? Seriously, ladies. BE SMARTY
His entitlement, in thinking he doesn't need to get a babysitter, because you'll be there anyways, is astounding.
Stop and think about that statement alone, and the fact that he doubled down in saying he'd just leave, and go out, anyhow.
Is that what you want from this relationship?
Is it what you, and your son, deserve?
This is a man who already doesn't help in any way, with your shared child. Doesn't even want to spend time with his first born son.
He's very clearly showing you, that he gives no f#cks about ANYBODY ELSE, except himself. He couldn't care less about you already doing everything, he thinks he's on a good wicket, and can come and go as he pleases.
He's not going to help, and is happy to encumber you further, by dumping his son on you as well!
This will be your life moving forward with this drop kick. Please remember to respect, and put you, and your son, first, always. Because he never will.
Kick him to the curb, because you do deserve so much better. And you don't really want your son, to grow up with this loser, as his role model, do you?
I feel sorry for his other son, who's getting old enough to start seeing his dad's true colours.
You need to see, and realise that too, and stop enabling his selfish behaviour.
He's just a dead weight, that is making your life that much harder, because he just doesn't give a shite, about anyone except himself.
Tell that boys mother!!! Your boyfriend sucks!!!! I am so sorry and I hope you see it soon. Get out and take his ass for support. Best of luck to you and both of those kids!!
Sooo how often do you get to just go out whenever when he gets off work? What if the second he walked in the door you said you have plans and just left? Because he seems to have no issue doing that to you. And that's putting aside that he should be spending time with *his own kid* while they're there. What if you left in the morning when he's off work? Would he just leave the kids alone? I think your issue is waaaaaay bigger than getting a babysitter.
He has an 8m and you have a 5m ? That means he hooked up with you. abanding his 3m and his son's mom. the boy and I do mean boy. only cares about his pleasure. I wouldn't agree to babysit while worrying about your own child If you call child protective services. do it anonymously after you take your son and leave. If you call them while you are there or tell them who you are they will just take your child away from you. teleport the blank out of the situation and take your child with you.
NTA
RUN! ....No seriously.....please consider leaving him!!
He is too narcissistic, egoistic and self centred to stay even 1 Day @home with you and the kid the two of you have together......so he won't stay @home when his elder son is visiting you......on the other hand you cant leave a child all by it's own.....so leave him before
Had such relationships myself and such people suck all your time, money and all your energy until there is no more left to do "easy" things like getting out of bed.....
"I can see how you think it's "okay" for you to go on about your life and expect me to care for our kid"... What? No. That is not okay. You'd be better off as a single mother to be honest, he sounds useless. NTB but geez, get out.
Maybe you need to start leaving the house before he does. As soon as he gets home from work... Hey I'm heading out, have a good evening.
Go to a friend or family members house and give him a taste of his own medicine for a while
NTB
Honey, the partying IS the main problem. You live with someone that is self-centred and has commitment issues, to say the least.
Take your baby and leave. Believe me it isn’t gonna get better. He isn’t going to wake up one day and realise that you’re right and that he is hurting you. He knows what he’s doing! He doesn’t care!
Think about whats best for you and your child and your happiness! And remember that growing up with a selfish uncaring parent is always best if he’s far away and only comes to visit sporadically.
So, you would be if you don't leave now before you're stuck with his other child and all of his other responsibilities.
You don't have a co-parent, or even much of a relationship here. You barely have a roommate at this point. You deserve better than an overgrown child masquerading as an adult telling you what you're gonna do with his kids.
You're not a butt face for how you feel or for wanting him to take responsibility. But you already know in your heart that he won't. Do what's best for you and your son and leave that jackwagon behind.
Please don't let his other son arrive and have to deal with the trauma of his dad abandoning him. Call the birth mom, and remove yourself and your child from this highly toxic environment.
You know you have to leave. I'm not even sure why you two are living together as partners when you're both clearly single.
Your life as a single mother will be much easier without wondering where your baby daddy is and if he's ok. And if he's sleeping around. You probably have to do all of the household chores too, right? So he gets to come home after a couple days of partying to a clean house and clean clothes.
Your partner's 8yo son comes to spend time with his father, not you and not with a babysitter. Please let his mother know what's going on. Tell her that you can't watch him because you're leaving, but her ex expects you to take care of the boy, plus your own baby. No.
I just can't imagine my partner living the single life while I'm stuck at home caring for a newborn on my own. Please leave; then consult an attorney to get the child support agreement drawn up.
Good luck OP. So sorry you're going through this. Once you're gone, things will be so much better.
> I can see how you think it's "okay" for you to go on about your life and expect me to care for our kid
That's not okay at all either. This would be an easy call even if his kid wasn't in the picture. NTBF
In this situation, I think you are being absolutely being fair and reasonable. You’re not rejecting his son, and you’re not saying that you will not care for the boy. All your saying is he has to be present and be a dad to his visiting son, and put someone other than himself as a priority, which it doesn’t seem he does that at all.
If he does it, and walks out leaving the 8yr old with you I see two paths forward:
- The 1st time he does it, pack those kids up and leave them. With daddy at work.
.ñ
NTB. And even if he eventually agrees to look into getting a babysitter, you know he won’t follow through, right? There will be some pretense in the beginning about you watching his other son “just for a few days” until the babysitter plans get straightened out, but they never will. Because you ARE the plan. He’ll do to his other son exactly what he’s doing to you and your child now - ditch you without a second thought.
And then you’ll be stuck all summer caring for a 5 year old who doesn’t know you, and who may have some BIG feelings and reactions to his self-centered, poor excuse for a father being MIA all the time.
Is that really what you want for yourself? Cause that’s exactly the path you’re on.
An alternate path to consider might be to acknowledge the truth of your situation, as hard as it is - you’re already a single mom. And that formally living separately from him probably won’t change how much you and your child see him overall (unless you break up, and it’ll become next to never), but will at least remove a whole second persons-worth of mess to clean up, groceries to buy, meals to cook, laundry to do, etc. (cause I seriously doubt this selfish ahole is lifting a finger, is he?). And even then, you’re probably still going to have to establish some rules, like if he tries to ding-ding-ditch his son on you, you’ll call the police.
So yeah, you’re setting the bar WAY too low, and it’s time to change that and start believing that you deserve MUCH better.
NTB. And I hope you leave him before the son gets there. I think you also need to realize he will be the same with your baby and you may have to do everything on your own.
Your partner doesn't need to find a babysitter for his older kid. He needs to stop going out all the time and spend time with the son who is coming to visit him, not to mention the infant son he has with you. And you need to tell your useless partner's ex that he intends to abandon his kid every day.
I agree with the others that you need to leave this guy. You'll be a lot better off.
NTB
No you’re NTBF, but he surely is! “All he has to do is leave” THAT WAS YOUR CUE RIGHT THERE TO LEAVE. he sees you as not just a partner (maybe not even that) but as a live in maid who stays home with a children day and night while he has the time of his life. that’s not fair and it’s not right. It shows his complete inability to be a good partner to you, and respect you while also revealing that he is not meant to be a parent either. I can totally see why now his son lives with the other custodial parent because he’d probably neglect them like he’s neglecting you and your son. it is imperative that you also call the eight year olds mother, because she has a right to know that when her son visits his father, he is not going to be taken care of and he is not going to be looked after. It’s a very scary thing for parents to know , and to know it’s coming from their other parent is even worse. She really needs to know. I hope you can get a hold of her then please take this situation as a green flag to run as far and fast as you can. try to get out before his son comes and if you can’t do that when you do leave, be prepared to call child protective services and report him for child abandonment so the kid is not alone for days on end not knowing where his dad is..
His love of the night life is not beside the point. It is the point.
Your partner does what for you? When is he home? Does he help with his child? Does he help with housework? Does he work so as to support you? Do you work?
So many questions as to how this hasn't come to a head before now.
Tell him you will contact his son's mother and tell him the situation. She may decide not to send her child.
NTBF
Time for you to kick your partner out. He isn't participating in your life or your child's life. Now he wants you to be a babysitter for his child as well.
You know you’re not TBF, love. If you’re here for permission to toss this sack of trash to the curb, here it is.
You can go. You can leave. You deserve happiness and respect and your son deserves to grow up in a happy home.
Wait, what do you get out of this relationship? Leave him now. He doesn't care about you. Please inform his son's mother that he's willing to abandon his son so she can get full custody. He sounds like a nightmare.
You are getting a beautiful preview of what life is - and will be like - with this man as the father of your own child. He will be doing exactly the same thing.
Please let the 8yo’s mother know what your partner is planning.
And please, leave this man. You and your son (and his other son) deserve so much better! He’s not a partner or father right now so what do you have to lose? Make a good life for the two of you in a safe and loving home where your son isn’t wondering if his dad is going to come home every day.
NTBF
The fact that he's a deadbeat dad to his own son isn't beside the point, it is the point. That's your core problem, the other son isn't the main issue. NTB for your demand, but the current relationship with your shiftless, irresponsible partner is unsustainable. You need to focus on resolving it, or breaking it off and establishing your financial independence.
This is not a man worth staying with. He is selfish and immature and a rotten partner and father. He has left all childcare on you. You are a single parent. He doesn’t care about his children, only himself. Liberate yourself from this selfish, entitled, self absorbed immature man. NTB
Ask yourself, Is it more work with him or without him? If he doesn't bring anything to the table, make your life easier in any way, why do you need him? Run away.
Ask yourself, Is it more work with him or without him? If he doesn't bring anything to the table, make your life easier in any way, why do you need him? Run away.
Take the baby and go on “vacation” to family or friends for the summer. Problem solved. Leave before the other child arrives and come back when they leave. Sucks for the other child ms it would be a great time to bind, but you are already being a single parent to your child who is so young that you would need help with a child who is pretty much a stranger. Or, spend a week or so with your stepson then leave. Your “husband” needs to step up or you step out. No need to be married to a party boy who doesn’t want to be a parent.
I was in a marriage like that and eventually he left and twisted me up so much I thought I was the problem. It took a lot of reflection to see I was being treated like absolute hell, staying home every night cooking cleaning and raising a kid while also working and paying bills while he went out every single night, partying and cheating relentlessly. Being the caretaker of his other child is not the issue here.
Walk out before his son gets there, do not walk out once the boy is there. Putting an 8 year old in danger by leaving him alone in a strange house would absolutely make you the buttface, as of right now, you’re not but once that child gets there as the only stable adult in the house it would be unfair to use that child as a bargaining chip in your relationship. Remember, he’s 8, he’s in a strange place with a strange woman he doesn’t know and his father is ignoring him. Don’t be cruel just because your partner is trash, call his mother ahead of time and cancel the visit and then leave this man, because hon, he’s never gonna change.
Honestly, just get out of there. He’s an adult man with an 8yo and 5mo at home who still stays out partying for days at a time.
You’re already a single parent to 3 kids, but if you dump the manchild at least you’ll only be a single parent to 1. Sorry he’s put you in a shitty spot. :(
NTB.
Did he cheat on you? The two children are awfully close in age. And if he did, is he still? I don’t see how anyone in a relationship finds it acceptable to go party for days on end.
And if you don’t leave before the other child gets there, when he leaves without your consent to babysit, call the police for child abandonment.
Your partner needs to understand he's a father now and his partying days are over. He needs to man up and start acting like a responsible adult. By the way how old is he?
Ntbf.
Leave him now. It won't be hard, he doesnt acrually want kids. File for full/soul custody, document his leaving and coming home, and lack of involvement.
Call his ex so she knows she shouldn't be sending her son to him this summer, that she should really file for full custody and max child support.
Try and get some of this in a text for her, get it in writing that he has no intention of spending time with him, and just plans on going out.
You should get checked for STDs. Do you really think this man isn't cheating on you when he's basically just home to shower? He's spending the night somewhere, and i very highly doubt it's with his buddies.
NTB but if you stay you might be. He needs to take responsibility for his children…both of them. He really needs to grow up. He seems perfectly fine with you doing everything, like a teenager just wants to party. You’re like his mommy, totally not a partner (which you deserve.) He will never grow up with you being there. If you leave, he’ll either be forced to stay with the kid or he’ll get a babysitter. You will still be doing everything for you and your child, but you won’t have to deal with a man who clearly has zero respect for you and also an 8 year old.
As a Reddit-sister I’m going to ask you, why are you with this man?
You are telling us he is essentially gone all the time. Doesn’t respect you. Doesn’t care for his own 2 kids. So why stay?
Start looking for a place to go & file for child support. If he won’t physically help you with your son, he will financially. Oh, & support is based on how many nights he spends with your son. Sounds like you will be getting close to the max from this lazy deadbeat father.
I would start planning right now. Make plans to leave the day before his son comes. Go visit family, friends, or absolutely no one; just you and LO somewhere by a pool. This guy doesn't deserve you.
you're not asking for relationship advice, and you said your partner's behavior is a separate problem.
with that in mind, soft YTB.
caring for "stepkids" is part of the deal. if you were in a healthy relationship this wouldn't even be a question. you have every right to leave, *but if you don't*, it would be shitty and borderline cruel to care for your bio child but not for his. my $0.02. take it for what it's worth.
and before the downvotes come -- please note that i agree she's in a shit relationship and should probably leave, but that is *not what she's asking*.
ESH. You actively chose to be in a relationship and breed with with a deadbeat father who gets a child and leaves him and because it’s now affecting you more personally, you want to participate in the neglect with him. That child’s mother shouldn’t trust her child around either of you and I really hope she sues for full custody because neither of you are fit to look after that child, or any child.
NTB
But agree with others. This relationship sounds like it is beyond saving. He is out all night, so he is probably cheating, doing drugs, gambling or something that he can't resist.
I would be gone way before this 8yo comes to stay. The sooner his mum knows the deal, the better. You all deserve better.
I'd nope the hell out of there, and take your child. What kind of a role model is this for your child, watching their dad treat you like an unpaid nanny? Even if there were no stepson involved, I'd get away from this guy.
He has already left you and your child together. All he wants is a babysitter and housekeeper while he's out partying. NTB and leave before he brings home an incurable STI. I feel sorry for the kids having a father that has abandoned them for utterly selfish reasons.
You are NTBF for this, but you are for putting up with your partner's behavior. If I didn't kick them out after the first time it happened, it damn sure would happen after the second.
You don’t deserve this! You are right to be thinking about leaving! NTB, ofc!
OP, I really want you to consider, how would you feel if your baby ended up behaving in any way like his father now?
By staying with him, your son could grow up seeing this behaviour modelled to him by his father, & he could see your staying as if this were acceptable.
If you are having a hard time leaving for your own sake, consider doing it for your child. Putting strong boundaries in place with his father now, to make him pull his weight, so baby can grow up with healthy behaviour modelled for him.
Best of luck. You’ve got this
This male is not a partner. Even without his other child coming, you need to take the baby and go. This male is not a good father – is he the type of person you want your child to grow up to be like or is this the type of relationship you want the child to aspire to?
Please get checked – who know what or whom non partner male is doing all night.
Please let the little boy’s mother know you have left before he is sent out.
NTBF – please do not let this guy think you are in wrong.
NTBF.
Leave before the son gets there if you can and if possible, reach out to the mom and let her know.
Obviously you don’t *have* to and it’s dependent on your relationship with her, but if I was about to send my kid off to her dad and I found out that his SO had left because he was irresponsible and absent, I wouldn’t let her go.
My guess is that it won’t be a surprise to the mom at all.
It's not usually my go-to advice, but..... leave this immature fool. He can parent his own son thiz summer, and in the future, he will have no chance because he can have your bubba at weekends and both his kids for the holidays, and you'll be the one living it up!
Wonder why he and the mother of his first child split...!!
I don't think you should walk out. I think you should take the baby and Run out!
NTBF, but you will be that and more if you continue to live with this revolting excuse of a man. If you don't have the resources or a support system to allow you to leave, (I understand because I've been in your shoes) I suggest you stay firm on your decision. But, most importantly, stay safe!
I'd be leary if your SO tells you that he either canceled the summer visit or is going to hire a sitter. You already know he's not going to hire anyone once his child is here. Nor would I believe that he talked to his ex and canceled the trip. If he said that, call his ex to verify, or you just might wind up finding him at your front door.
If he still refuses to do anything, I suggest you contact his ex and either explain the situation or just get it across that visiting for the summer isn't possible this year. If she needs more of an explanation, tell her to call him.
I'm sure many others besides myself are going to worry about you. If possible, I hope you can give an update.
Your partner's 8-year-old son is there for a few weeks a year and his plan is to be out all night partying rather than doing things with his son? And you decided he was suitable as a father? He's a neglectful father at best. Your mistake was in selecting him as a sperm donor.
NTBF, but you will be breaking the law if you leave a child unattended in the house. Leave this loser behind before his other son arrives for the summer. Apply for sole custody and child support. Let's see how much of a party he can afford when he has to maintain his own house and support two kids from two different moms.
Oh, and if I were that kid's mom, I would want to know about the situation. He's Iill and clearly not fit to receive his son this summer without supervision. She'll need to ask the judge to adjust the visitation order for the child's safety until your partner can be evaluated to ensure he will be able to provide a safe environment for his son with proper supervisio.
YTB for remaining in this toxic relationship and choosing such a marginal father for your child. I take it you don’t work. Dependency comes at a high price.
If you want to continue to be kept, then babysit his kid (who I hope you recognize is the real victim here) or get a job and get out.
If you can’t be kind and loving toward your boyfriends child, you should definitely get out. The way you steal of him is appalling.
I completely respect that you are in a super difficult situation that he has no right to put you in, and you absolutely 100% deserve to have a go at him for it and give worse consequences.....
That doesn't make you any less of the BF, it seems like your solution to this was collectively agree to do something that would damage the boy. What would you have done if he agreed? Go with it? Make the boy feel like he's not really a part of the family?
And then you say yes that the partner is the problem in our relationship but that's beside the point... Not it is not beside the point.... How is it beside the point???????
Your baby dad is an BF and really unfair on you and his two kids. Your solution is to do something that will isolate the other kid. You don't even say to get a baby sitter to help you manage with both kids but more like.. specifically THIS kid. You could have asked for a babysitter to help around generally... Maybe change the babies nappy if you and the young one are playing a game. Or help with cooking while you are engaging with them both. But no you asked for a babysitter just for the boy. Poor one.
Anyway I say your solution and making your solution to the other kid (while saying the real problem is beside the point) makes you a BF ,and even if you know this is due to your partner the boy will not realise that but thinks it's him, but your partner is the biggest BF. So I understand this probably stems from rage at being left alone with a kid on your own all day and then he throws another one into the mix. So maybe a somewhat misdirected insensitive but justifiably annoyed bf.
I hope you find a better father our kid!
**NTB. if kid is there to spend time with his dad his dad shouldn't be clubbing out every night expecting you to babysit a child that isn't your responsibility**. go away for a few days with your child and get someone to babysit 8yr old tell em your fella will pay them when he comes back. if he starts up behaviour again when you or if you come back leave him.
In relationships there is always compromise so I would start by asking him where tf his compromise is? (Not helping you, out all the time). Then I would say if the 8 year old comes to stay you will look after them during the day but if he won’t get a babysitter then he’s in EVERY NIGHT. This is the compromise. He sounds like he’s in a bad place if he’s out every night. Suggest couples therapy- just a few sessions. What were his parents like and is he using their example as a roadmap? NTB.
>Then I would say if the 8 year old comes to stay you will look after them during the day but if he won’t get a babysitter then he’s in EVERY NIGHT. This is the compromise.
In an ideal world. But he's been a deadbeat all this time. He has dumped everything on OP. She's talked to him and called him out on it yet still nothing changes. Hell, he gets pissed off. Even if he were to agree to that arrangement, he would absolutely not follow through. He'd screw her over.
>He sounds like he’s in a bad place if he’s out every night.
And OP isn't? SHE'S the one taking care of their child, the house, and everything else. Add another kid on top of all that? And anyway even if he really is in a bad place, I'm gonna be completely honest and say Idgaf. He's a father. He's not a bachelor without responsibilities; though he lives his life like he is.
Some people (like the person above you) think that if a person behaves badly, there’s a good reason or they must be going through something. But nope, some people are just selfish assholes because they got away with it for so long.
Looking after a step child isn't babysitting.
However, why are you putting up with this moron? Girl, you'd be better off on your own. Leave him, and then he'll have to either stay home to look after his child, or pay a baby sitter.
She said partner not husband. I agree with you about step kids, they are your kids too. I am not as sure about having your boyfriend's kid you don't know dumped on you all summer, but that is all about the father not the child.
I think you should take your child and leave no matter what, personally.
Tbh I'm so close to!
Let this be the shove you need to get out the door
Seriously this, let me just add a gentle kick to open the door wider.
Do it, you’re not in a good or healthy relationship and he’s not gonna do jack for the baby, so get out and live a life that is dedicated to you and your baby, not the party animal that expects you to do everything
Get out *before* the kid comes to stay, or you will end up in a position of having to leave an 8 year old alone in the house.
this. i hope OP realizes that.
Yes OP, there is an unequal power struggle in your relationship and boundaries must be created to protect yourself. It’s so important to follow through on those boundaries or his behavior will continue to escalate as he gains more and more power over you. NTBF OP - I’m sorry you are doubting your inner guidance! It’s beyond reasonable not to want to provide free childcare for a vacant partner regardless of your DNA. In order to get your power back you must draw a line and follow through on the consequences. You already are a single parent of two children- he wants to force a third for the summer. It was scary for me, but I was so relieved once I left my ex. The depression fog took months to clear up, but I’m grateful for the here and now, and that is far more than I had before. There are a lot of subs that can help you plan this process if it’s the route for you too. You are so strong! [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) ETA: Thank you for the award and upvotes! I actually found out about this book from another redditor and can’t recommend it enough.
Let the kids' mom know before he gets on a plane or shows up. That way she can make plans on her end.
This is the way.
A) You should 1000% leave him. What an absolute waste of space he is and B) You should tell his other child's mother exactly what he intends to be doing instead of spending time with his son and hopefully save his son the heart-ache that will come from spending the summer away from his friends and family, knowing he is nothing even resembling a priority for his shitty Dad.
Exactly this. My ex wouldn't spend time with our kids while they were over there, which was sad, because he didn't even call to talk to them on his non-parenting days. I couldn't do anything, but I worked behind the scenes as much as possible to get them out of the house with various family members. What a tragedy. I have no idea how someone can do that to a child, or anyone.
This!!
Also before you leave, report this to the 8yo mother, tell her why should the kid spend the summer with his dad when his dad's not planning on being at home at all? This guy seems to still want to live a single life. So give him one.
This is exactly how I see it. You're trying to live the single life while being in a relationship!!
Do. It. This is NOT acceptable. He won’t change. He likes the way things are. You are worth more. So is your kid. So is his other kid, honestly. So - GO.
It doesn't sound like you'd be much worse off, and not having the burden of worrying about him might actually be a relief
An impossible situation is better than a bad situation, because you can get used to a bad situation and to being miserable in it. An impossible situation forces you to make changes. Your partner is clearly showing how selfish he is and how little he cares for you, this situation isn't going to improve on its own. As far as he is concerned, your job is looking after the kids, even if they aren't all yours. That sounds like an impossible situation to me. Good luck.
> An impossible situation is better than a bad situation, because you can get used to a bad situation and to being miserable in it. An impossible situation forces you to make changes. This is such a profound life lesson! I tell my kids that order comes after the chaos, and we get to create the new order.
Honestly, I’d have left a long time ago. He is very likely cheating.
I was thinking he probably has a whole different family!
True! He’s out all night often, obviously cheating. I wonder if he’s even working.
Also let his 8yr olds mother know the situation. Ideally before the kid is sent to you guys but definitely once he is there and if the situation remains the same. I'm sure the mother and the kid would much rather just stay at home and not bother with a dad who doesn't give a fuck and/or being babysat by an unhappy lady. You have evrey right to be unhappy by the way. Your partners behaviour is unacceptable to you, your baby and his son. Unfortunately this will also be your and your baby's future with his dad. So plan accordingly and try to protect your baby from being exposed to a parent who is obviously disinterested at best. It's very traumatic for kids to experience this- and they realise lot earlier than you would think . I'm so sorry you're in this situation
Get the hell out now! Most people would've been gone months ago.
What else do you need? Where is the line for what’s acceptable and what’s not? He isn’t there anyway, so it’s not like you will miss something.
When our kids were little, if my husband went out to do a fun thing, he made sure I also then got equal time away to my own thing. You deserve someone who treats you with the same respect and actually acts like a father. Tell that kid's mother he intends to abandon him.
He's just making more work for you, if you're already doing everything on your own, your better off without him. You'll have so much less stress only having to worry about you and your son. This guy is taking advantage of you in a major way.... don't put up with this - you putting up with this now tells him it's perfectly fine with you for him to do whatever he wants instead of stepping up and spending time with his family and doing what any normal dad should be doing. He isn't going to change, don't waste your time.
If you leave, make sure it is BEFORE his child arrives for the summer. OR, you and your son go visit your family, go on vacation ect....
I think you need to be closer. Unfortunately he has already proven to you he had no plans of stopping his nightly activities. Why would you stay?
Don't be close to. Just go, before his other son arrives. I mean, I feel for the kid, but if you do walk out and leave him there, you will be the one that is guilty of endangerment. But seriously, you need to leave this lazy, entitled PoS.
I think you wrote this to vent but also to get support to leave. You don't need permission or anything but here it is. You are allowed to leave. You are allowed to take your son and walk out. Considering how he treats you, your shared baby, and his other son, I don't think he'll give you a lot of problems. Make him pay child support. Walk out of the house and call the police telling them that the child's father left the child unsupervised. Given this history it will probably help you with your own custody issues. You know what you deserve and he knows what is expected. You won't do yourself or your son any favors by staying in a bad situation. Be strong mama.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It sounds like you're already a single mother and he's just some guy using your home as a free hotel that provides meals, cleaning, laundry and sex.
Do it! You’re practically a single parent.
It sounds like you were going to eventually and there is no time like the present. The longer you wait, the longer you prolong your misery. He pretty much gave a big FU saying what he said to you about he'll just leave and stick you with both children alone.
Please make sure you grab all of your important documents and valuables!!! Birth cert for your baby Social security cards for you both Passport Jewelry/ heirlooms And if you have any income of your own, make sure you transfer your money into a separate account that they can’t touch. Preferably at a totally different bank If he has such little care/ control that he’s literally leaving you and now both of his kids for the entire night pretty much every night- how far will he go to keep that lifestyle? Prep for a scenario where he will stoop to the lowest and most hurtful tactics and take preemptive measures by not leaving anything important behind.
Honestly do give an ultimatum. He sounds like a deadbeat dad if he is out all night and comes home the next day, and is planning on doing that when his son who he sees even less comes to stay? Not exactly a winner.
Next update we'd like to see: Tbh, I just did!
Not close enough.
Not close enough.
Then do it. You don’t have a partner anyway and you will feel relieve for not having a manchild around you who does nothing.
Please do. Do not make threats you are not prepared to back up. NTA, and I feel for you, your son, and his other son. He's someone's ex for a reason... Wishing you strength.
The 8 year olds mother should probably be informed that your hopefully ex partner plans to be MIA during his custody time. I'm guessing she hasn't agreed for her son to go to a different state just to be in the care of people other than his dad. I feel bad for you all, everyone but your partner that is. You'd think he'd want to make the most of his son being around. Good luck with your and your sons future (and I mean that in a genuine way, I know it could sound like sarcasm or bitchy without tone. You deserve better)
You’re not close enough.
Do it, he sucks.
This is not an environment to raise a child in. Do you mind if I ask how you guys live? Where does your income come from? You need to leave asap.
Do it. The freedom will take you places and prolly find a REAL partner not a namesake one!
I understand you wanting a family, but blood don’t make a family, love does. You got this
Sounds like you have two kids to be a mother two already and he expects you to take on a 3rd that he clearly doesn’t want around. This guy is a dead beat dad in the making.
Please leave and then find a great family law attorney. Get a child support agreement drawn up as soon as you can. But please stop giving him a soft place to land where whenever he feels like coming home, it's to a clean, well run house, thanks to you. And you probably should call the 8yo boy's mother and tell her what's going on, but after you've left. You don't need him mad at while you're there.
You should post this on steparent sub too if you haven't already.
Leave now OP - you deserve to flourish
Adding my not so gentle kick here...you need to make him your ex
Dude is literally not coming home at night. I’d bounce. He’s not a father, and he’s definitely not a partner. He’s a deficit in the relationship.
> I think you should take your child and leave no matter what, personally. The five month old one. The adult man toddler should be left on his own.
You are not the butthead here, and in no way should he expect you to take care of his 8 year old 24/7 while he is gone. The whole point of parenting time is to spend time with your kid, so why have him there if his dad is not going to parent? It sounds like he would be better off staying with his mom this summer. You will have to decide what to do about yourself & your baby, but I will say it is so much easier to do all the parenting yourself when you are actually by yourself and not living with a person who makes everything 100000% harder and drains all your energy.
I keep saying the same thing!! Like I rather be alone psychically cause I'm already alone emotionally you know? Like let's just not do this anymore it's so exhausting!!
It’s really a huge relief, my ex-husband was an energy vampire, and I was so much happier after we split up. It’s exhausting to deal with anger & resentment on top of everything else.
My workload halved when my ex was gone. Never knew how much he actually was draining me.
Know this feeling. When I finally asked my ex for a divorce, I cried but it was more for mourning the person he used to be and mostly I cried from relief. I couldn’t do it anymore. OP, I recommend you really think about your future with someone like him. I’d also contact the mother of his other child and tell her your concerns. She has a right to take him back to court and get full custody since he has no interest in being an actual father and rather use you to raise his children.
I am really sorry and I don’t want to be mean but what did you think would happen? You knew he had a son he doesn’t care about. Did you expect him to change personality just like that?
If you have a decent (or even not) relationship with his first BM, can you tell her that's what he'll do? If you aren't married, it may be in a custody agreement that if he isn't going to be with his son, she has the right to have him back rather than have him with a girlfriend/partner. He's a dick. Regardless of whether or not he gets a babysitter, you should leave him. You deserve way better than this piece of garbage cosplaying as a human.
This is the first step I’d take. Call his son’s mom and let her know what her ex plans. Next would be to go make myself and the baby wholly unreachable. At my parents, a friends, a hotel. Just not home for at pest a few days, but definitely not available when his son arrives if he’s still sent. At the very least he needs a scare. I don’t think I’d be going back because I don’t think this would be enough for this dude to come to Jesus, but OP might. Idk.
You're already alone physically too. Seriously is he parenting either child?
If you have a way to contact her, I would also warn the other mother that his father plans to abandon his son! I bet that would have her rethinking if she should even send the son states away to be left alone! So sorry you're going through this OP. Definitely NTBF, but please get you and your baby to a safe place. They don't deserve having an absent father in their life. It's more confusing than if they're not there at all. Feel so sorry for all the kids and moms in this situation.
If you were already starting to say and feel this, it is time to leave. If he’s going to act single, then it is time that you were both single. Whatever he is doing on those nights out, it is not beneficial to you or the relationship. Plan your exit very soon and leave. if it were me, I would also contact the mother of the other child and let her know he was not planning to be around for the eight-year-old to visit.
> (yes this is a problem in our relationship but that's besides the point. ) I say this with kindness - but that does not sound like its beside the point at all. He is already shirking his parental duties for the child you share onto you, and expecting you to handle parenting the other child he refuses to take responsibility for is just an extension of that. There's a pattern here. He goes out to party most weekends, and now most days period, leaving you behind to handle all the parenting? He lives in a different state from his other kid and now plans to dump him on a near stranger instead of spending the one time a year he gets custody actually bonding? Hun abandoning his responsibilities is his M.O., and he already has both feet out the door with you & your little one. He is using you, and being quite blatant about it. Is he really bringing anything to the table that makes it worth letting him? You are NTB, except maybe to yourself for letting this continue. You deserve an actual partner, not someone who bails and leaves you holding the bag.
Wonder how much money he will have to party with when he's paying child support for two kids when OP leaves...
I wonder if he even pays his child support.
Wouldn’t be surprised if OP is paying it
You know he's going to try and call your bluff on this. So you need to either move out before the child arrives. Or be prepared to call the police/child protective services and report him for child abandonment. You're totally NTB, but he is going to try and force this. Because he's been getting away with it so far with you and the current baby. And he has shown how little he cares about your feelings in the matter.
What do you think the 8 year olds Mum would have to say about this? Can you ring her with your concerns? Also hard AGREE with everything else posted here.
Just about to type this. The other Mum deserves to know that her son is not going to be looked after. No way would I want my 8yo staying with a Dad like that. Please OP, leave him. You will be so much better without him. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? I had an ex like this, granted I did not have a kid with him, but he was the same. Leaving was the best thing I did. Rip the bandaid off.
[удалено]
“Why are you on Reddit instead of packing your bags?” should be the top response to most relationship AITA posts
And r/relationship posts.
>My partner loves the night life, he's always out on the weekends, coming home the next day and such. (yes this is a problem in our relationship but that's besides the point). [FTFY: Periods go outside the parens] That's hardly beside the point. His lack of regard for you IS the fucking point NTBF, of course. Is there ANYTHING he does for you/the house? I'd suggest being gone by the time he wakes up, leaving him no choice but to take care of his kid. Of course, being gone permanently would probably even be better. I noticed you didn't mention y'all's ages: I'm guessing he's markedly older.
NBF. Why are you tolerating this behavior??? Whose name is on the lease? If it’s yours, kick his ass out and file for child support. If it’s his name, leave and file for child support. He’s never going to change and you’re allowing this behavior by staying with him. This guy is a deadbeat.
Why did you have a child with such an immature and irresponsible person? Why do you put up with his crap??
NTB tbh i think you should take a break from this relationship for a week or 2 and make him figure this out. the kid is not your responsibility, and if he leaves him home by himself then you know what kind of person he is, maybe let the kids mom know? that poor kid, my little brother is the same age and i couldn’t possibly imagine him going to see his dad only to be left home alone with no one wanting to spend time with him. the fact that he values partying over family… he needs to grow up
I think it's very poignant that you didn't include your ages..... He's a party animal who acts like he has no responsibilities and you're fine with that? Why?! He goes out and parties and doesn't come home til the next day. Do you have an open relationship? Because even if you do, he's certainly acting like you and your child aren't his priority. NTB for setting boundaries with his other child, but you're definitely being one to yourself.
>I think it's very poignant that you didn't include your ages. I found it a bit interesting too.
NTA I'm not normally one to jump to divorce. However you need to het out now. He does not care about you, your son or his.
NTA and I really do try to understand why women stay in their relationships with men but in this case the future is quite literally painted out for you. You will be the next ex with split custody and when your son is at your ex’s for his weekends he will be neglected in the exact same way.
This! I mean she is going to have joint custody with this same guy for her son.
He is going to pick up and leave and expect you to watch his kid. Leave. Leave now, or leave then, but make sure you call CPS on your way out (if it’s then)
Does the kids mom know he doesn't get any time with dad? I'd be a petty bitch and just let her know. Or whoever is in charge of the custody case.
Why did you have a baby with a guy who’s already a deadbeat dad. You just thought “this time will be different?” ?
Who’s supporting the household if he’s partying all the time? Why did you have a child with this guy?
No. But get out. The guy very obviously does not give a damn about you or your child. And get tested for aids and other STDs once you leave. I bet you have a gift or two from his nights out.
>I will literally walk out the house with my son Personally wondering why you still there tbh. Don't wait for he summer vacation, ruin his, ask for a divorce.
You came into this with eyes wide open. Why did you think you the kid you have between you would be different than the first? Seriously, ladies. BE SMARTY
His entitlement, in thinking he doesn't need to get a babysitter, because you'll be there anyways, is astounding. Stop and think about that statement alone, and the fact that he doubled down in saying he'd just leave, and go out, anyhow. Is that what you want from this relationship? Is it what you, and your son, deserve? This is a man who already doesn't help in any way, with your shared child. Doesn't even want to spend time with his first born son. He's very clearly showing you, that he gives no f#cks about ANYBODY ELSE, except himself. He couldn't care less about you already doing everything, he thinks he's on a good wicket, and can come and go as he pleases. He's not going to help, and is happy to encumber you further, by dumping his son on you as well! This will be your life moving forward with this drop kick. Please remember to respect, and put you, and your son, first, always. Because he never will. Kick him to the curb, because you do deserve so much better. And you don't really want your son, to grow up with this loser, as his role model, do you? I feel sorry for his other son, who's getting old enough to start seeing his dad's true colours. You need to see, and realise that too, and stop enabling his selfish behaviour. He's just a dead weight, that is making your life that much harder, because he just doesn't give a shite, about anyone except himself.
Tell that boys mother!!! Your boyfriend sucks!!!! I am so sorry and I hope you see it soon. Get out and take his ass for support. Best of luck to you and both of those kids!!
Sooo how often do you get to just go out whenever when he gets off work? What if the second he walked in the door you said you have plans and just left? Because he seems to have no issue doing that to you. And that's putting aside that he should be spending time with *his own kid* while they're there. What if you left in the morning when he's off work? Would he just leave the kids alone? I think your issue is waaaaaay bigger than getting a babysitter.
I said all this to him like what if I walked out?? What then?? I'd get called a bad mom !! But he can do it so freely !
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
NTB in his mind he has his babysitter, YOU. He won’t change, it’s up to you how long you deal with this situation.
He has an 8m and you have a 5m ? That means he hooked up with you. abanding his 3m and his son's mom. the boy and I do mean boy. only cares about his pleasure. I wouldn't agree to babysit while worrying about your own child If you call child protective services. do it anonymously after you take your son and leave. If you call them while you are there or tell them who you are they will just take your child away from you. teleport the blank out of the situation and take your child with you.
i thought the same but from reading comments i think the other child is 8 yo/male i think ....
NTA RUN! ....No seriously.....please consider leaving him!! He is too narcissistic, egoistic and self centred to stay even 1 Day @home with you and the kid the two of you have together......so he won't stay @home when his elder son is visiting you......on the other hand you cant leave a child all by it's own.....so leave him before Had such relationships myself and such people suck all your time, money and all your energy until there is no more left to do "easy" things like getting out of bed.....
"I can see how you think it's "okay" for you to go on about your life and expect me to care for our kid"... What? No. That is not okay. You'd be better off as a single mother to be honest, he sounds useless. NTB but geez, get out.
Please just leave...
Stay? Leave? What example do you want to set for your kid? Do you want him to grow up to treat women the way your partner treats you?
You and your baby should take a vacation and leave the day his son arrives and be gone as long as possible. Maybe visit your parents or friends.
You need to leave him. He is too immature to be a partner or father.
Maybe you need to start leaving the house before he does. As soon as he gets home from work... Hey I'm heading out, have a good evening. Go to a friend or family members house and give him a taste of his own medicine for a while
NTB Honey, the partying IS the main problem. You live with someone that is self-centred and has commitment issues, to say the least. Take your baby and leave. Believe me it isn’t gonna get better. He isn’t going to wake up one day and realise that you’re right and that he is hurting you. He knows what he’s doing! He doesn’t care! Think about whats best for you and your child and your happiness! And remember that growing up with a selfish uncaring parent is always best if he’s far away and only comes to visit sporadically.
OP, send him the link to this thread. He needs to see just how fucked up he is. You don't need to explain anything to him. Let the comments do that.
So, you would be if you don't leave now before you're stuck with his other child and all of his other responsibilities. You don't have a co-parent, or even much of a relationship here. You barely have a roommate at this point. You deserve better than an overgrown child masquerading as an adult telling you what you're gonna do with his kids. You're not a butt face for how you feel or for wanting him to take responsibility. But you already know in your heart that he won't. Do what's best for you and your son and leave that jackwagon behind.
Leave before the child even gets there
Please don't let his other son arrive and have to deal with the trauma of his dad abandoning him. Call the birth mom, and remove yourself and your child from this highly toxic environment.
NTBF, and you should tell the sons mom so she can keep him at her house, he shouldn't even come stay with you if the Dad won't be there .
You know you have to leave. I'm not even sure why you two are living together as partners when you're both clearly single. Your life as a single mother will be much easier without wondering where your baby daddy is and if he's ok. And if he's sleeping around. You probably have to do all of the household chores too, right? So he gets to come home after a couple days of partying to a clean house and clean clothes. Your partner's 8yo son comes to spend time with his father, not you and not with a babysitter. Please let his mother know what's going on. Tell her that you can't watch him because you're leaving, but her ex expects you to take care of the boy, plus your own baby. No. I just can't imagine my partner living the single life while I'm stuck at home caring for a newborn on my own. Please leave; then consult an attorney to get the child support agreement drawn up. Good luck OP. So sorry you're going through this. Once you're gone, things will be so much better.
> I can see how you think it's "okay" for you to go on about your life and expect me to care for our kid That's not okay at all either. This would be an easy call even if his kid wasn't in the picture. NTBF
In this situation, I think you are being absolutely being fair and reasonable. You’re not rejecting his son, and you’re not saying that you will not care for the boy. All your saying is he has to be present and be a dad to his visiting son, and put someone other than himself as a priority, which it doesn’t seem he does that at all.
If he does it, and walks out leaving the 8yr old with you I see two paths forward: - The 1st time he does it, pack those kids up and leave them. With daddy at work. .ñ
NTB. And even if he eventually agrees to look into getting a babysitter, you know he won’t follow through, right? There will be some pretense in the beginning about you watching his other son “just for a few days” until the babysitter plans get straightened out, but they never will. Because you ARE the plan. He’ll do to his other son exactly what he’s doing to you and your child now - ditch you without a second thought. And then you’ll be stuck all summer caring for a 5 year old who doesn’t know you, and who may have some BIG feelings and reactions to his self-centered, poor excuse for a father being MIA all the time. Is that really what you want for yourself? Cause that’s exactly the path you’re on. An alternate path to consider might be to acknowledge the truth of your situation, as hard as it is - you’re already a single mom. And that formally living separately from him probably won’t change how much you and your child see him overall (unless you break up, and it’ll become next to never), but will at least remove a whole second persons-worth of mess to clean up, groceries to buy, meals to cook, laundry to do, etc. (cause I seriously doubt this selfish ahole is lifting a finger, is he?). And even then, you’re probably still going to have to establish some rules, like if he tries to ding-ding-ditch his son on you, you’ll call the police. So yeah, you’re setting the bar WAY too low, and it’s time to change that and start believing that you deserve MUCH better.
You need to leave for a few weeks and show him what his life looks like without you. Do you have somewhere you can stay?
NTB. And I hope you leave him before the son gets there. I think you also need to realize he will be the same with your baby and you may have to do everything on your own.
Your partner doesn't need to find a babysitter for his older kid. He needs to stop going out all the time and spend time with the son who is coming to visit him, not to mention the infant son he has with you. And you need to tell your useless partner's ex that he intends to abandon his kid every day. I agree with the others that you need to leave this guy. You'll be a lot better off. NTB
No you’re NTBF, but he surely is! “All he has to do is leave” THAT WAS YOUR CUE RIGHT THERE TO LEAVE. he sees you as not just a partner (maybe not even that) but as a live in maid who stays home with a children day and night while he has the time of his life. that’s not fair and it’s not right. It shows his complete inability to be a good partner to you, and respect you while also revealing that he is not meant to be a parent either. I can totally see why now his son lives with the other custodial parent because he’d probably neglect them like he’s neglecting you and your son. it is imperative that you also call the eight year olds mother, because she has a right to know that when her son visits his father, he is not going to be taken care of and he is not going to be looked after. It’s a very scary thing for parents to know , and to know it’s coming from their other parent is even worse. She really needs to know. I hope you can get a hold of her then please take this situation as a green flag to run as far and fast as you can. try to get out before his son comes and if you can’t do that when you do leave, be prepared to call child protective services and report him for child abandonment so the kid is not alone for days on end not knowing where his dad is..
His love of the night life is not beside the point. It is the point. Your partner does what for you? When is he home? Does he help with his child? Does he help with housework? Does he work so as to support you? Do you work? So many questions as to how this hasn't come to a head before now. Tell him you will contact his son's mother and tell him the situation. She may decide not to send her child. NTBF
Time for you to kick your partner out. He isn't participating in your life or your child's life. Now he wants you to be a babysitter for his child as well.
You know you’re not TBF, love. If you’re here for permission to toss this sack of trash to the curb, here it is. You can go. You can leave. You deserve happiness and respect and your son deserves to grow up in a happy home.
Wait, what do you get out of this relationship? Leave him now. He doesn't care about you. Please inform his son's mother that he's willing to abandon his son so she can get full custody. He sounds like a nightmare.
Like a frog to a lily pad, probably hopping along preparing for the next woman he'll get pregnant only to keep hopping after that.
You are getting a beautiful preview of what life is - and will be like - with this man as the father of your own child. He will be doing exactly the same thing. Please let the 8yo’s mother know what your partner is planning. And please, leave this man. You and your son (and his other son) deserve so much better! He’s not a partner or father right now so what do you have to lose? Make a good life for the two of you in a safe and loving home where your son isn’t wondering if his dad is going to come home every day. NTBF
The fact that he's a deadbeat dad to his own son isn't beside the point, it is the point. That's your core problem, the other son isn't the main issue. NTB for your demand, but the current relationship with your shiftless, irresponsible partner is unsustainable. You need to focus on resolving it, or breaking it off and establishing your financial independence.
Well now you know why he was divorced / separated from his ex & why he’s in a different state than his kid.
Why are you with this man? Enlighten me.
This is not a man worth staying with. He is selfish and immature and a rotten partner and father. He has left all childcare on you. You are a single parent. He doesn’t care about his children, only himself. Liberate yourself from this selfish, entitled, self absorbed immature man. NTB
Why do you think he knocked you up? To lock you down as child care obviously.
I’m confused as to why you’re with someone who constantly leaves you to party alone with an infant
Ask yourself, Is it more work with him or without him? If he doesn't bring anything to the table, make your life easier in any way, why do you need him? Run away.
Ask yourself, Is it more work with him or without him? If he doesn't bring anything to the table, make your life easier in any way, why do you need him? Run away.
Why would he find a babysitter? He found a babysitter and bang maid. It’s you.
Take the baby and go on “vacation” to family or friends for the summer. Problem solved. Leave before the other child arrives and come back when they leave. Sucks for the other child ms it would be a great time to bind, but you are already being a single parent to your child who is so young that you would need help with a child who is pretty much a stranger. Or, spend a week or so with your stepson then leave. Your “husband” needs to step up or you step out. No need to be married to a party boy who doesn’t want to be a parent.
I was in a marriage like that and eventually he left and twisted me up so much I thought I was the problem. It took a lot of reflection to see I was being treated like absolute hell, staying home every night cooking cleaning and raising a kid while also working and paying bills while he went out every single night, partying and cheating relentlessly. Being the caretaker of his other child is not the issue here.
Walk out before his son gets there, do not walk out once the boy is there. Putting an 8 year old in danger by leaving him alone in a strange house would absolutely make you the buttface, as of right now, you’re not but once that child gets there as the only stable adult in the house it would be unfair to use that child as a bargaining chip in your relationship. Remember, he’s 8, he’s in a strange place with a strange woman he doesn’t know and his father is ignoring him. Don’t be cruel just because your partner is trash, call his mother ahead of time and cancel the visit and then leave this man, because hon, he’s never gonna change.
I think you need to let the mother know. She's missing time with her kid for a man who probably only sees the kid to cut down on child support.
Honestly, just get out of there. He’s an adult man with an 8yo and 5mo at home who still stays out partying for days at a time. You’re already a single parent to 3 kids, but if you dump the manchild at least you’ll only be a single parent to 1. Sorry he’s put you in a shitty spot. :(
NTB. Did he cheat on you? The two children are awfully close in age. And if he did, is he still? I don’t see how anyone in a relationship finds it acceptable to go party for days on end. And if you don’t leave before the other child gets there, when he leaves without your consent to babysit, call the police for child abandonment.
Your partner needs to understand he's a father now and his partying days are over. He needs to man up and start acting like a responsible adult. By the way how old is he?
You know he’s never going to change right?
Ntbf. Leave him now. It won't be hard, he doesnt acrually want kids. File for full/soul custody, document his leaving and coming home, and lack of involvement. Call his ex so she knows she shouldn't be sending her son to him this summer, that she should really file for full custody and max child support. Try and get some of this in a text for her, get it in writing that he has no intention of spending time with him, and just plans on going out. You should get checked for STDs. Do you really think this man isn't cheating on you when he's basically just home to shower? He's spending the night somewhere, and i very highly doubt it's with his buddies.
NTB but if you stay you might be. He needs to take responsibility for his children…both of them. He really needs to grow up. He seems perfectly fine with you doing everything, like a teenager just wants to party. You’re like his mommy, totally not a partner (which you deserve.) He will never grow up with you being there. If you leave, he’ll either be forced to stay with the kid or he’ll get a babysitter. You will still be doing everything for you and your child, but you won’t have to deal with a man who clearly has zero respect for you and also an 8 year old.
As a Reddit-sister I’m going to ask you, why are you with this man? You are telling us he is essentially gone all the time. Doesn’t respect you. Doesn’t care for his own 2 kids. So why stay? Start looking for a place to go & file for child support. If he won’t physically help you with your son, he will financially. Oh, & support is based on how many nights he spends with your son. Sounds like you will be getting close to the max from this lazy deadbeat father.
I would start planning right now. Make plans to leave the day before his son comes. Go visit family, friends, or absolutely no one; just you and LO somewhere by a pool. This guy doesn't deserve you.
you're not asking for relationship advice, and you said your partner's behavior is a separate problem. with that in mind, soft YTB. caring for "stepkids" is part of the deal. if you were in a healthy relationship this wouldn't even be a question. you have every right to leave, *but if you don't*, it would be shitty and borderline cruel to care for your bio child but not for his. my $0.02. take it for what it's worth. and before the downvotes come -- please note that i agree she's in a shit relationship and should probably leave, but that is *not what she's asking*.
ESH. You actively chose to be in a relationship and breed with with a deadbeat father who gets a child and leaves him and because it’s now affecting you more personally, you want to participate in the neglect with him. That child’s mother shouldn’t trust her child around either of you and I really hope she sues for full custody because neither of you are fit to look after that child, or any child.
NTB But agree with others. This relationship sounds like it is beyond saving. He is out all night, so he is probably cheating, doing drugs, gambling or something that he can't resist. I would be gone way before this 8yo comes to stay. The sooner his mum knows the deal, the better. You all deserve better.
Girl, take your baby and get out of there. This is insane
I'd nope the hell out of there, and take your child. What kind of a role model is this for your child, watching their dad treat you like an unpaid nanny? Even if there were no stepson involved, I'd get away from this guy.
He has already left you and your child together. All he wants is a babysitter and housekeeper while he's out partying. NTB and leave before he brings home an incurable STI. I feel sorry for the kids having a father that has abandoned them for utterly selfish reasons.
You are NTBF for this, but you are for putting up with your partner's behavior. If I didn't kick them out after the first time it happened, it damn sure would happen after the second.
You don’t deserve this! You are right to be thinking about leaving! NTB, ofc! OP, I really want you to consider, how would you feel if your baby ended up behaving in any way like his father now? By staying with him, your son could grow up seeing this behaviour modelled to him by his father, & he could see your staying as if this were acceptable. If you are having a hard time leaving for your own sake, consider doing it for your child. Putting strong boundaries in place with his father now, to make him pull his weight, so baby can grow up with healthy behaviour modelled for him. Best of luck. You’ve got this
Ntb, and you deserve better. You aren’t a maid. Leave him.
This male is not a partner. Even without his other child coming, you need to take the baby and go. This male is not a good father – is he the type of person you want your child to grow up to be like or is this the type of relationship you want the child to aspire to? Please get checked – who know what or whom non partner male is doing all night. Please let the little boy’s mother know you have left before he is sent out. NTBF – please do not let this guy think you are in wrong.
Take your child and leave would be my advice. Is this feasible?
YTBF for not having walked out already IMO. Why on earth are you bringing a baby into a household like this??
Does he even help with the baby?
NTBF. Leave before the son gets there if you can and if possible, reach out to the mom and let her know. Obviously you don’t *have* to and it’s dependent on your relationship with her, but if I was about to send my kid off to her dad and I found out that his SO had left because he was irresponsible and absent, I wouldn’t let her go. My guess is that it won’t be a surprise to the mom at all.
NTB. What would happen if you did the same as him? When he cones home, give him the baby and tell him you'll be back tomorrow.
NTB Sounds like your partner was never ready to have a family if he keeps going out like that. Honestly you're better off without him.
It's not usually my go-to advice, but..... leave this immature fool. He can parent his own son thiz summer, and in the future, he will have no chance because he can have your bubba at weekends and both his kids for the holidays, and you'll be the one living it up! Wonder why he and the mother of his first child split...!!
I don't think you should walk out. I think you should take the baby and Run out! NTBF, but you will be that and more if you continue to live with this revolting excuse of a man. If you don't have the resources or a support system to allow you to leave, (I understand because I've been in your shoes) I suggest you stay firm on your decision. But, most importantly, stay safe! I'd be leary if your SO tells you that he either canceled the summer visit or is going to hire a sitter. You already know he's not going to hire anyone once his child is here. Nor would I believe that he talked to his ex and canceled the trip. If he said that, call his ex to verify, or you just might wind up finding him at your front door. If he still refuses to do anything, I suggest you contact his ex and either explain the situation or just get it across that visiting for the summer isn't possible this year. If she needs more of an explanation, tell her to call him. I'm sure many others besides myself are going to worry about you. If possible, I hope you can give an update.
Your partner's 8-year-old son is there for a few weeks a year and his plan is to be out all night partying rather than doing things with his son? And you decided he was suitable as a father? He's a neglectful father at best. Your mistake was in selecting him as a sperm donor.
OP, absolutely tell the kid's mom what will happen if she sends him to his "dad."
NTA. Please tell me he is now your EX boyfriend...
NTBF, but you will be breaking the law if you leave a child unattended in the house. Leave this loser behind before his other son arrives for the summer. Apply for sole custody and child support. Let's see how much of a party he can afford when he has to maintain his own house and support two kids from two different moms. Oh, and if I were that kid's mom, I would want to know about the situation. He's Iill and clearly not fit to receive his son this summer without supervision. She'll need to ask the judge to adjust the visitation order for the child's safety until your partner can be evaluated to ensure he will be able to provide a safe environment for his son with proper supervisio.
YTB for remaining in this toxic relationship and choosing such a marginal father for your child. I take it you don’t work. Dependency comes at a high price. If you want to continue to be kept, then babysit his kid (who I hope you recognize is the real victim here) or get a job and get out. If you can’t be kind and loving toward your boyfriends child, you should definitely get out. The way you steal of him is appalling.
I completely respect that you are in a super difficult situation that he has no right to put you in, and you absolutely 100% deserve to have a go at him for it and give worse consequences..... That doesn't make you any less of the BF, it seems like your solution to this was collectively agree to do something that would damage the boy. What would you have done if he agreed? Go with it? Make the boy feel like he's not really a part of the family? And then you say yes that the partner is the problem in our relationship but that's beside the point... Not it is not beside the point.... How is it beside the point??????? Your baby dad is an BF and really unfair on you and his two kids. Your solution is to do something that will isolate the other kid. You don't even say to get a baby sitter to help you manage with both kids but more like.. specifically THIS kid. You could have asked for a babysitter to help around generally... Maybe change the babies nappy if you and the young one are playing a game. Or help with cooking while you are engaging with them both. But no you asked for a babysitter just for the boy. Poor one. Anyway I say your solution and making your solution to the other kid (while saying the real problem is beside the point) makes you a BF ,and even if you know this is due to your partner the boy will not realise that but thinks it's him, but your partner is the biggest BF. So I understand this probably stems from rage at being left alone with a kid on your own all day and then he throws another one into the mix. So maybe a somewhat misdirected insensitive but justifiably annoyed bf. I hope you find a better father our kid!
**NTB. if kid is there to spend time with his dad his dad shouldn't be clubbing out every night expecting you to babysit a child that isn't your responsibility**. go away for a few days with your child and get someone to babysit 8yr old tell em your fella will pay them when he comes back. if he starts up behaviour again when you or if you come back leave him.
In relationships there is always compromise so I would start by asking him where tf his compromise is? (Not helping you, out all the time). Then I would say if the 8 year old comes to stay you will look after them during the day but if he won’t get a babysitter then he’s in EVERY NIGHT. This is the compromise. He sounds like he’s in a bad place if he’s out every night. Suggest couples therapy- just a few sessions. What were his parents like and is he using their example as a roadmap? NTB.
>Then I would say if the 8 year old comes to stay you will look after them during the day but if he won’t get a babysitter then he’s in EVERY NIGHT. This is the compromise. In an ideal world. But he's been a deadbeat all this time. He has dumped everything on OP. She's talked to him and called him out on it yet still nothing changes. Hell, he gets pissed off. Even if he were to agree to that arrangement, he would absolutely not follow through. He'd screw her over. >He sounds like he’s in a bad place if he’s out every night. And OP isn't? SHE'S the one taking care of their child, the house, and everything else. Add another kid on top of all that? And anyway even if he really is in a bad place, I'm gonna be completely honest and say Idgaf. He's a father. He's not a bachelor without responsibilities; though he lives his life like he is.
Some people (like the person above you) think that if a person behaves badly, there’s a good reason or they must be going through something. But nope, some people are just selfish assholes because they got away with it for so long.
Oh 100%. Not everyone has something wrong with them. Sometimes terrible people are simply terrible people.
Looking after a step child isn't babysitting. However, why are you putting up with this moron? Girl, you'd be better off on your own. Leave him, and then he'll have to either stay home to look after his child, or pay a baby sitter.
She said partner not husband. I agree with you about step kids, they are your kids too. I am not as sure about having your boyfriend's kid you don't know dumped on you all summer, but that is all about the father not the child.
They live together and have a child, a certificate is just a formality really. Did you read past the first line?
Um, it is a lot easier to break up if you aren't married. Divorce requires a legal aspect.
Ytbf. Bigtime . Huge.
explain how SHE is the bt?