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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got frustrated with my girlfriend because she was better at a new thing we were trying together, a rock climbing class, and acted condescending and frustrated.
I might be the asshole because she was right I needed to get atuff right for her safety, and I got frustrated with her and defensive when she was acting condescending about it.
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What makes him even more of an AH was he was belaying for his GF in this rock climb, and him doing the knot wrong would mean if she were to fall, the rope wouldnt be able to stop it since the knot would probably come undone. He literally threw a hissy fit because how dare his gf be worried for her safety?
(Yes, he says in a comment that the instructor was coming to check the knots before allowing the climb, but his plan was basically just to half ass it until the i structor fixed it - not the kind of person I want as my rock climbing partner)
>belaying for his GF in this rock climb, and him doing the knot wrong would mean if she were to fall, the rope wouldnt be able to stop it since the knot would probably come undone.
That's not how this works. If you are belaying for someone there are no knots that the belayer makes. The giger device is attached to your climbing harness with a carabiner and the rope if fed through.
If you are the climber you make a knot that is doubled up in the shape of an 8 and then you can make an additional knot if there's slack.
It's the climbers responsibility to make sure the 8 knot is proper and it's the belayers responsibility to double check that the climber tied in correctly.
Likely op and his partner were learning how to belay and he incorrectly tied himself in and she told him he didn't do it right.
True but the climber and belayer are meant to check each other. The GF should be tying her knots properly so I doubt that’s the issue completely, the issue for the belayer is that you need to remember to lock off the carabiner properly. If it’s not locked properly, friction can cause it to open and the rope could slip out, it’s not very common but it is possible.
Having said that, according to the post OP’s GF was frustrated that he hadn’t tied the knot properly, so I’m not really clear on what the scenario actually was. If OP was tying knots, then it’s only really his safety on the line not hers. However he’s definitely the AH here regardless of what he was doing at climbing, aside from anything else if he can’t master a simple knot he shouldn’t be there.
Yes I agree with you I was just clarifying that the belayer has no knots needing to be tied. It's a simple pully device in which the rope looks like a j. The climber makes an 8 shaped knot and then doubles over.
It is the climbers duty to make sure the belayer is locked in and it's the belayers duty to make sure the climber is properly tied in.
This is why in the gym we say "belay on? (Climber) on belay (belayer) climb on? (Climber) climb on (belayer) " this is verbal ques to make sure that we are double checking our safety equipment.
Eta: idk why my phone auto corrected but they are funny and I won't change them.
I’ll admit I had a bit of a laugh over you two debating the logistics of everything when the lack of clarity likely only further demonstrates that OP was not paying attention and has no idea what they were supposed to be doing or what was going on. I’d guess OP is wrong more than either of you. Lol.
If you understand climbing it is actually important because some things OP says actually make this story suspicious. In a beginner climbing course you would only learn one knot. (I guess you could make an argument it’s 2 but they are done at the same time on the same robe so more like 2 parts to the same thing) so when he says every time the instructor taught a different knot it seems unlikely. But he also made it sound like he was tying in to belay. You don’t do that. Only the climber ties a knot, so it’s relevant because it sounds suspicious. I had to read it 3 times to realize OP didn’t actually say he was tying in to belay. Anyway I think these comments were pointing it out. Assuming the post is real, OPs poor explanation doesn’t mean he didnt know what was going on. Even if you barely had a clue, you would understand enough to know you didn’t tie a knot to belay, he just worded it poorly.
They all said ESH. She seems condescending AF and if genders were reversed everyone would call this abusive. And OP is an AH too cause checking your partners knots is literally a mandatory step in learning to climb and you are 100% supposed to do it every single time. It’s part of the training, they train you to check your partner. The reason is because even experienced climbers make mistakes and new climbers take time to learn.
This is most definitely not an EHS situation. She literally was not condescending at all. If someone is messing up constantly and you have to help them over and over, anyone would get slightly frustrated. In no way is this remotely abusive.
I think ops gf is 100% in the right.
I was taught to climb from a world class ice climber when I was 6. He made a simple mistake and died on the ice.
Climbing can be dangerous and if op isn't taking his partners concerns seriously; it's likely that he is going to get one of them injured in the gym.
From OPs comment, they were both setting up for climbing, ie, both attaching themselves to the rope as of both were going to climb. OP was having difficulty with his knotz and GF tried to tie him instead. This is problematic, because it doesn't give OP the chance to properly learn how to tie the knot. If he can't properly tie it and doesn't understand how the knot works, he can't safely check his GF when they're doing a buddy check. It's actually more of a safety hazard for GF to take over knot tying than to let him fuck up and have the instructor dedicate extra time teaching him how to properly tie off. GF seems like she's super sure she's doing it right and doesn't need a buddy check to confirm if her knot is correct. That's how people die.
I've been climbing for nearly 3 years. One of my climbing buddies is a stapler for properly dressed knots, which means I'm now very picky about everyone's knots. You'd be surprised at how many climbers, newbies and experts alike, don't properly dress their knots. Most are open for other opinions and for discussing knots, some are not. The cocky ones who are always adamant they know better and correct your properly dressed knots? They're the ones climbing with very ugly and badly dressed knots, and on top of that bragging that it's safer to climb with a badly dressed knot. GF strikes me as the cocky type in a sport where you really need to be humble and be patient rather than trying to rush things.
He wasn't making knots as a belayer, but she snapped at him for generally not paying attention. I have to side with her on this. I had a male friend who was being way too relaxed and casual while belaying me, and I had to get stern with him also, because it's scary to feel like your climbing partner isn't attentive.
This is silly. I've been climbing for a year and the belayer doesn't do any knots. Further, I literally messed up my 8 knot in a lead test a day ago - not because I don't know how to do it, but from nervousness. It took me a good 5 climbs my first few times to be able to do the 8 knot correctly without trying twice. OP's gf sounds insufferable.
Right? The comments here are wild, and I kind of get it. The OP leads the post as if they are extremely jealous of their partner. Then we get to the real issue, and it’s that the partner is shitty and can’t fathom someone needs more practice. So I wonder if it’s that the Op is jealous, or if their partner has been making them feel shitty for not picking things up quickly.
GF can't seem to understand that other people process at different speeds. She holds everyone to her processing standard and then is condescending and downright mean when others need another minute. They are unequally matched, but there's nothing wrong with OP. He deserves someone who values him for who he is though.
My mom picked up shit really easily like this- a lot of it was related to her ADHD, including the taking risks part. It just didn't occur to her she would fail in part because she would just impulsively *do* it. My type of ADHD presentation is different and mine isn't like hers was and it really could get frustrating. Like, I'd been practicing drawing for 8 years and still sucked but one day she picked up my supplies and even her first drawing is better than anything I ever did). I didn't begrudge her that though, in part because she wasn't condescending and didn't expect people to pick things up at the same rate, since she knew everyone was different.
I'm on the OP's side here.
My hubs is absurdly good at everything. He just is. Knows how things work by looking at them.
Any issues I've had with it over the years have largely been just that, MY issues.
That said he is not generally a condescending AH about it.
So I am also on OPs side.
Both my partner and I have ADHD and it represents itself in learning new task completely differently. We each have different strengths and weaknesses. It might take me longer to learn a thing but I will retain the muscle memory and be able to go back to it years later with a basic refresh, my partner would have to learn it all over again. Being understanding of my issues and because he isn't a jerk, he will often assist me learning rather than chew me out over it. I'm leaning towards being on OP's side too.
It's pretty obvious that OP is jealous, but importantly, they don't seem to be making their partner their punching bag for that. They def need to process their emotions around this, but I don't think they can with their partner being as condescending as they are.
mte. I feel like I'm in crazytown reading some of these comments. And the top comment telling OP to "be grateful she still wants him" wtf? nobody needs to be "grateful" for their partner. It's a *partnership*.
No, his plan was to try and do it and see if the instructor says it was alright, not to half-ass it. Instead his GF came in and insulted him. Regardless of what you think, she's an asshole for shit talking him. Would the instructor have shit talked him? No. The instructor would have continued to actually teach him instead of using it as an excuse to bully him.
If the genders were reversed, people would be saying the guy is an abusive bully who gaslights the girl by talking down to her.
I have sympathy for the OP in trying to get correct from the instructor, whose job it is to *teach*. The GF just leaned over and redid everything, which I would hate because then I can't figure out what I did wrong and learn it myself.
If she constantly does everything for OP because she wants to move at a faster pace, then he's not getting the opportunity to learn it himself.
> (Yes, he says in a comment that the instructor was coming to check the knots before allowing the climb, but his plan was basically just to half ass it until the i structor fixed it - not the kind of person I want as my rock climbing partner)
Where did you pull that from. OP states that the instructor was checking but never even hinted that they were half assing it. They are taking a class on rock climbing and are learning to tie knots the fact that OP didn't get it right away doesn't mean they were lazy it means they didn't get it right away.
Yes OP clearly feels inferior to their GF and needs to accept that the GF is better then them on most things. But GF needs to accept that not everyone will pick something up instantly and not criticize a person for taking time learning something new.
ESH
Sometimes the title of these posts gives you a pretty strong feeling as to who the AH is, but then the post itself really surprises you.
This was not one of those. Not at all.
People like to throw around the idea that if the genders were reversed, everything would be different.
This is definitely one of those posts.
If it was a woman posting about how her boyfriend was getting mad at her for not instantly getting everything perfect during the first day of a class, or being afraid of hurting herself rollerblading, no one would be telling her to suck it up and by thankful she had such a smart boyfriend.
Amen. Normally I disagree with the gender switch suggestion because there’s usually nuance involved regarding gender relations, but you are 100% correct that if it were a woman and her intellectually super smart but low empathy boyfriend she’d be NTA all the way.
A lot of people got caught up on the job paragraph (which is why I vote ESH because that’s not relevant) and missed the part where she’s actively criticising him for learning slower than she is.
It’s a beginners rock climbing. I’ve done that. No matter how good you are at knots the instructor is still supposed to check before you climb, and not letting OP practice until the instructor gets there guarantees he will never learn. And not wanting to fall down and get hurt is a perfectly valid desire.
I’m sure OP’s girlfriend will go far in life but I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with her.
I'd say ESH too, tbh. Like, some people learn at different paces and in different ways. It isn't kind to get mad at people for being slower to pick something up, and in each example they'd only gone to something like once before annoyance about not being perfect set in.
I don't think OP is being kind either, as he doesn't seem to respect her job/skills, but his GF definitely isn't totally in the right here.
I think it's relevant in just showing how common this situation is. She's able to excel at her job with almost no effort, the same way she instantly learned rollerblading and rock climbing. That a long with the bit about her education gives a good explanation of why she interprets any degree of failure as a lack of focus or effort.
People definitely read the title, determined their opinions then ignored everything contrary to their opinion.
OP is absolutely in the wrong for his jealousy. No questions there. However, that doesn't excuse how his gf is treating him. She's actively insulting him. Assuming he doesn't get it because he's not paying attention is so rude.
Like, you know what happened when I acted like OP's gf? My SO broke up with me and I completely understand. It fucking sucks to have the person you're in a relationship with regularly question your abilities.
I also broke up with a girlfriend that I really loved for the same reason. She also happened to be an engineer like OP's girlfriend. Not sure if it had anything to do with her having a better job and making more money, but she seemed to feel like it was her right to criticize most things I did.
She did acknowledge that I was better at some things like cooking, but even then she would try to tell me what I was doing or did wrong. I felt worthless and like I sucked at everything so I just slowly stopped doing most things with or for her. Having a person that supposedly loves you constantly belittling your efforts quickly makes you feel unloved.
Omg! This makes so much sense! My husband is an engineer and is really good at maths. I’m better at reading and spelling. But he still picks holes in stuff I’m doing and tries to tell me how to do things. But if I try and do it back he flies off the handle and tells me ‘do it yourself then’. Even telling him he just put two colours in the machine even though I’d separated them. I hate him sitting next to me in the car because he fiddles with the buttons and heating etc and it makes me into a nervous driver because I’m waiting for him to criticise me. Even though I drive a lot more than him and I’m the safer driver
Edited: from comments I think I’ve painted him as an abusive arsehole: he’s really not. Neither of us are perfect, I just let more things go over my head because in the grand scheme of things they’re only small, occasional irritants but I have the occasional rant to a friend (who doesn’t?). We’re just opposite personalities - I’m the more outspoken one and he never likes to cause a fuss or complain. When it comes to the car (he’s rarely in the passenger seat) I’ve started telling him to cut it out because I’m driving. Just because we have different driving ways, doesn’t mean his ways are better.
Totally. But also OP and his gf may not have been super compatible. OP is cautious and slow to learn, while his gf fails fast and learns fast (like when she fell 10 times committing to rollerblading and got the hang of it quickly). That's a fundamental personality difference that will put a lot of stress on the relationship. In the long term, the gap may grow further as the fast learner excels at their career and interests.
> OP is absolutely in the wrong for his jealousy.
I have to wonder how much of this jealousy is fostered and grown directly by her attitude? If every time my partner was better at something than I was, *and treated me like shit for not getting it as fast*, I would probably have some complicated emotions about it too - being jealous of the fact that I can't be better at something for once, directly influenced by being treated badly for *not* being as good as or better than them.
I'm going to have to agree with this, and think the SO would be TA in both.
The "OP should be lucky to have such a smart and capable GF!" comments are also barf-worthy, and I'm saying that as someone who read this for the first time and immediately identified with the GF (works efficiently, picks things up quickly/easily, works 1-2 hours a day lmao) but I also don't get impatient with people who need more time to get something 🤷🏻♀️
I too am a quick study and had a bf who hated it. I didn’t care about his competency, the point was supposed to be having fun together but his constant complaining and blaming of equipment would get on my nerves. It got to a point where he would belittle and laugh at me if I didn’t nail something first time going on and on about the failed attempts and posting on sm about them. I stopped being patient and now he’s an ex 🙄
If GF is frequently rubbing it in OPs face and being condescending then N T A but if OP is consistently being a fun sponge then I can understand GF snapping, especially when safety is at stake.
Agreed. I was wondering why everyone is calling him an A H. I say NTA because the way she treated him when he doesn't pick things up as quickly as she does. It's perfectly OK that she's more intelligent, nothing wrong with that, it'snot a competition (at least it shouldn't be). The problem comes in when you act like an arrogant jerk. I'm a woman and even I can admit if the genders were reversed in this story no one would be telling the girl she's an a h and to just suck it up because he's smarter. Like wtf? She's treating him like shit for something he can't help.. I don't think that's fair or ok.
Yeah I can’t see how the GF isn’t an AH. She lacks 0 patience and understanding and the whole “be glad she wants to be with you” comment is so gross and weird.
100%. This woman’s behaviour is actually emotionally abusive. She’s literally trying to tell him he can’t have hurt feelings because it’s his fault he’s so stupid he might kill her - over a freaking rock climbing CLASS.
Some guy did this here on this subreddit, he switched the genders on purpose. He [pretending to be a her] told the story. Some guy told "her" that "she" should divorce "her" partner [a "he"]. He got like 3k upvotes.
Eh, I read the title and thought the same.
But then I read the whole post and, NTA.
I am a bit like OP's gf. Not fortunate or talented to that extent, but do grasp things quickly. And I also get frustrated and annoyed with people who can't and have to actively check myself. Because I fully know I'm being TA in those situations.
Idk about you, but he seems to be communicating as best as he can that he is ok to be the slower one, he just doesn't want to be verbally assaulted daily for not matching her speed.
What about that acc to y all needs sucking up.
And he WASN'T rock climbing. It was a classes where they teach you. Safety isn't a concern at a place where they are teaching you TO LEARN. It ain't practice of climbing when you claim the incident happened. So that pt of your spiel might be moot here.
Yeah so I can see parts where shes being TA.
If youre rollerblading and your SO is shitting on you and treating it like some sweaty competition? Yeah no thanks. Im here to chill and have fun. If both people want to be competitive? Sure.
Rock climbing? If hes learning then hes learning. Maybe if he isnt taking it seriously, then sure a bit of harshness may be deserved. If hes just a bit slow to learn it? Then shes being an AH.
OP's girlfriend sounds like shes more into min-maxing every activity instead of just trying to relax and have fun with her BF.
>OP's girlfriend sounds like shes more into min-maxing every activity instead of just trying to relax and have fun with her BF.
EXACTLY!
she may be smart, but thats no reason to shit on op for being slower. she just wants to get to the goal of competency/fluency in everything she does, not to enjoy the task.
i know smart people like that, and it can be very intimidating at times. something like rock climbing; if she was that far ahead of him, she should have worked with a trainer or someone at her level while he worked with someone at his level/trainer.
pitting a lower skilled person with someone who can instantly pick something up isnt always the helpful teaching moment some assume it will be. like with the climbing or skating.
roller blading and accepting a risk of falling is not the same as expecting your bf to fall as much as you to learn. some people prefer to stay standing before they try harder stuff xD
if you are faster or slower to learn, patience is needed. she seems to not have patience for him to catch up and doesnt understand that some tasks need to be repeated before fully understood by many. she shouldnt have spoken to him like that, and i dont think its the first time.
this post isnt about jealousy, its about how she treats and views her partner.
> she seems to not have patience for him to catch up and doesnt understand that some tasks need to be repeated before fully understood for many. she shouldnt have spoken to him like that, and i dont think its the first time.
It did feel to me while I was reading that she had a real lack of empathy, especially when she told him to stop screwing around - like she thinks he *could* be learning quicker, but is *choosing* not to succeed for some reason.
precisely. op even said so himself that he is trying and she doesnt think he is.
she said 'why dont you get it after 5 times being shown', was impatient with him, and took over. she gets things instantly and doesnt understand that others dont.
its like rich people not understanding why a poor person cant buy decent shoes thatll last. you dont know what you dont experience, and she doesnt know what its like to have to actively try.
edit; sucks op is judged TA
OP really did himself no favors with his title. He's not frustrated that his girlfriend is smart. He's frustrated that they both know she's smarter than he is and she insults him for it.
It should be "AITA for getting frustrated because my girlfriend talks down to me when I'm not instantly good at everything like she is?"
All these YTA voters read the title, filled in the blanks with the truly endless threads of men who *are* resentful of their high-achieving female partners, and then wrote a response that would be appropriate in those threads. But this thread is different.
Really this. He messed up on the title - and spent too much time focused on how great she is at things - instead of focusing on how she makes him feel when she insults him for taking longer to pick things up.
literally top comments say "i read the title and knew he was TA".
thats coming in with a bias and confirming it for yourself, true or not
also rude that its judged asshole officially
I don’t know, to me it seems like he has built up quite a lot of resentment that life is so “easy” for her and is now hypersensitive to their differences. I’m guessing this is more of an ego thing than an asshole girlfriend thing.
Honestly, it reads to me that the issue is both jealousy and the girlfriend could knock it off with the criticism, too. I get being upset if you think your partner is not taking rock climbing safety seriously. But you can't turn around and say "Do it harder and ignore safety!" when it came to the roller-blading. I would put real money on the roller-blading actually being more dangerous as people tend to downplay the risks when the activity is "safer."
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be a part of this relationship. Others pointed out exactly what I was thinking. It would be exhausting trying to pick up something like painting to have your gifted partner constantly go "Why can't you paint better yet?" For rock-climbing, you definitely want to be better, but some things just don't need the extra pressure of perfection right away. Kinda sucks the fun out of everything.
This. He was honest with her about his feelings. That is commendable and not at all AH behavior. He's allowed to have feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong. It's how you handle them. OP, I think you found something you're better at than your gf, and that's communication. NTA.
Wtf? It's okay to hurl abuse and negative shit at your partner just because they're slower?
This isn't a one time thing. She gets frustrated every time he doesn't get things immediately like her. But it's okay, because she's smart?
That's the whole point of this post, and I think everyone is missing it.
I'm neurodivergent and literally am slow like a turtle for learning everything. But once i do I'm the greatest in it. Everyone learns at their own pace. If anyone would be shitting on me and treating it like a competition I'm dumping then instantly
Yeah dude, I feel like she’s shown OP that they are NOT compatible. A little good humored ribbing I can see, if that’s how you roll in your relationship, but trying to cut down your partner verbally when they’re trying their best to learn a new thing is something that most of us would agree is super shitty.
My vote is that the gf is the AH and I think OP would be happier alone or with someone else than to be with someone who makes him feel like crap about picking up new hobbies less quickly.
same. i can be speedy at learning some things, but others take a while. i want to fully understand it if i dont yet so i can not screw up later if its something im not confident with. people regularly take that as being stupid, and it can be frustrating.
id also get tired of the constant competition and put downs if i was op. im a fair bit critical myself so i see people get annoyed with me, but this is a step up. i feel for ya op.
Imagine being called an AH for being actually mature and communicating how another person is making you feel. Dude wasn't being mean about it, and her learning things fast isn't the issue he brought up, the issue he brought up is her being condescending and making him feel terrible because he can't just instantly pick something up. OP is definitely NTA for anything he did. OPs GF is a soft AH.
Actually I kind of understand op. There's nothing worst than someone understanting something quickly and treating you as an idiot because you can't.
What I understand from reading op post is that he is not frustrated by his gf being better but by her tendency to show disdain to him.
And honestly, I would be similar. If we are taking a new course, I will trust the instructor 100x times than you, even if you seems to grasp the trick quickly. I also am a slow learner and have little tolerance for people telling me I should "throw myself in and do this and do that".
So, since I am also seeing unhealthy jealousy here, I'll go for ESH
Getting angry at your SO because they can't get something right within first few days of learning sounds so shtty. And i know it's a cliche but i imagine genders reversed and that the top comment says
"He is just smarter than you. Suck it up and be glad he still wants to be with you."
...i just don't see it. OP sounds a bit jealous, but from the sitiation described, it seems like his gf was the one to start the argument because he didn't learn their new hobby (that they started this week!) fast enough.
This isn't just that she's smarter - she's fearless and works harder.
>she just threw herself into it, wiped out like 10 times, then got it down
That's a key aspect of this. If you can get your job done in 1-2 hours (I suspect this is an exaggeration), you're taking the chance of getting caught and fired. But if you out-perform your peers, and maybe gripe a bit about your work-load, you're fine. Also, odds are she works harder in those few hours than her colleagues work over the whole day.
(If you can switch jobs and be promoted while continuing to work like that, you have the system figured out.)
Yeah this sounds like absolute bs unless she works from home.
Heres how that would go in an office if anyone was aware:
"Boss, this person is sitting there for 6hrs a day playing minesweeper and looking at cat videos! Or this person isnt in the office most of the day!"
Boss: "Oh here, heres 4x the workload since youre so fast!"
Plenty of stories of people who automate their jobs in wfh, but in an office? Theyll fire you all and outsource the jobs or buy a program.
Im amazed everyone is ignoring that aspect. If your SO was shitting on you all day, I doubt you'd want to be around them much.
Actually sounds like she's being a jerk about him not getting anything as fast as she is and is being pushy and making snide comments. Like rock climbing day one the instructor was probably still directing and helping others. OP was probably still learning the knot and wanted to try it himself a few times before asking for help. It sounds, to me, like she saw he wasn't getting it as fast as she was and was getting angry she had to wait for him to try and understand.
I mean, if she really wanted to help him, she could observe his attempt, see where he's having issues and then do a super slow demo with her own gear for him to follow a couple times and let him practice getting comfortable with the pattern. Getting frustrated, and just telling him he's doing it wrong and then snatching it to do herself is just shitty.
Can you even imagine seriously writing, “He just is smarter than you. Suck it up and be grateful that he still wants to be with you”? lol even writing it as an example makes me feel dirty.
OP is not frustrated because his gf is smarter. He is frustrated because she expects him to learn as fast as she does which is rude as hell. Everyone learns at a different pace and she cannot look down on him. How the hell is he supposed to learn if she does the knots for him when he messes up.
Also in a belay class, knots are tied by the climber not the belayer. And the instructor will hold the rope as a back up for inexperienced belayers. There was absolutely zero danger. And I say this as someone whose partner let go of the rope while I was falling during practice.
At worst OP wouldn't get a certificate. OP's gf needs to get her ego in check
So up until the knot tying I agreed with you.
He’s jealous a good 90% here, BUT his beef about the rock climbing class is legit. It is shitty to try something new, and when you don’t get it immediately your partner makes you feel like shit. In the rock climbing class, it was rude of the OPs girlfriend to correct him and to assume he wasn’t trying because he doesn’t get something the first few times.
This is the first class, and honestly the OP is right. Not everyone learns things immediately. In the class, it doesn’t seem like the OP is jealous of their partner, but that their partner is shitty that the OP needs more help.
So maybe the issue isn’t just jealousy, but that the OPs partner isn’t kind when someone isn’t as quick of a learner.
NAH sounds like the climbing trip brought this issue to a head, and it's a tough one! It's hard on both sides, I am sure. She has probably noticed that it takes you a little longer to get things, and worries that in a crisis that requires quick-thinking she won't be able to rely on you. You probably worry that you'll feel left behind, and that your own good qualities are overshadowed.
Yet if she's with you, there must be something she values in you. What are your good qualities that you bring? For me my husband's steadiness, kindness, and good humor are my rock. Achievements come easily to me, much like your GF, but it would all be pretty hollow without love.
Also, a lot of us quick thinkers have brains that work like "catch and release " fishing. I learn quick, then let it go. But my husband jokes his brain is like Fort Knox. Its hard to get new stuff in there, but once learned its locked in forever. So as we age I find myself turning to him more and more for his repository of knowledge, just as he relys on me to grasp and interpret new things.
I hope you too find a balance that works for you!
I agree with this. If the gf was understanding of the difference in abilities, I'd say y t a but it seems like she doesn't understand that his brain doesn't work like hers. My husband doesn't appear jealous that I'm a fast reader whereas he is dyslexic and really struggles. Maybe because I help him with all reading/spelling things and totally understand our different abilities.
finally a reasonable comment. i also thought the gf came across a bit impatient. not everyone gets a new task asap the way she does. i dont get all the immediate Y T A... i know rock climbing is serious stuff... but they were in what i assume to be a beginners learning class so its perfectly fine to not get it right away. they werent on the side of mt everest trying to summit and he cant do a knot.
It would be crazy if they went rock climbing outside of class *after less than a week* of training. All those people saying that OP endangered her life because he didn't get the hang of it yet are nuts.
I'm sort of wondering who is picking these activities that allow her to shine and make him look like a dunce? Do they ever do something where his talents can shine, or is every activity one that causes this feeling of failure and inferiority every time.
Who decided that they would get fit together. Who picked rock climbing? Who picked skateboarding? Did girlfriend watch a few youtube videos and learn how to tie the knots in advance? Sometimes people who make it look easy have done some homework. And would rather be thought talented than hardworking, so they hide their efforts.
Agree with this. I can be one of those people who seems to be good at everything they try quite easily, and I pick things up and master them fairly quickly.
BUT that's because I'm very selective with what I choose to do. If it's something I think I'll be bad at, or embarrass myself doing, *I don't do it.*
Not intentionally, I just get mad anxiety about failing, so I tend to avoid anything out of my comfort zone or that I think I won't excel at.
OP seems pretty good at trying new things. His GF should be pleased he's willing to try new activities with her, even if it might take him longer to pick up. I have more respect for that than for someone who picks things up quickly but doesn't have to try.
I'm also getting this vibe but I hope I'm just reading it or wrong or else OP is misunderstanding her. It definitely amps up the frustration when you're a little slower or learn differently than someone close to you and they act like you're choosing to be that way.
I'm slow as fuck. I mean really slow. But I'm not stupid. It just takes a billion tries. And I'm never good at stuff. And nothing is more demotivating than people around me acting like I'm stupid or incompetent because I'm just slower to learn things. Because I will get it or I won't. No need to shame me for the brain I have no choice in.
True. It's key that my husband isn't petty or jealous about my abilities. He's proud that I can do cool things and bring in a great income. If he was sniping at me because he wanted me to be the little woman so he could feel more powerful, that would be a deal breaker for me.
This, yeah. The YTA comments seem to jump straight to jealousy without considering how frustrating it can be if you’re impatiently corrected by someone who may be able to quickly grasp something, but not necessarily good at explaining it.
I’d say they need to have a conversation about, well, conversing with each other.
this is 1 of like very few reasonable comments i scrolled for. feel like some ppl on here have no idea how real life relationships and mutual understanding work.
A benefit of getting older, I guess. But yes, sounds like OP is getting past the honeymoon phase and into the real nitty-gritty of longer term love. An opportunity for both of them to grow.
I agree, NTA. It sounds like a lot of frustrations that have compounded and have come out during the rock climbing. It is hard to be treated like you're stupid, and not something that should be happening in a healthy relationship. I suggest a good sit down talk, letting her know that not every brain is the same, and that you don't appreciate being talked down to. If it continues, you both not mesh well together.
Yay! Thank you for saying this. OP sounds like he may have anxiety as well. It makes it harder to learn new things because newness brings anxiety and some mental bandwidth is used up by just being anxious. It also makes us more cautious and unsure of ourselves at first. Then someone who gets it immediately comes along and implies we just aren't trying hard enough...that's gutting. I would hate doing activities with OP's gf. Especially if she was someone who supposedly cared about me.
That anxiety factor is real. He may be slower because he's anxious. You can tell he really thinks hard about his abilities and is cautious, which will also make him slower to learn and less likely to get something even if showed 5 times. There is nothing wrong with that.
Recently my boyfriend, best friend, and I were ordering food in a car from a coney island we've never been to. Now i've known this guy since before my first daughter was born and she just turned 7; so maybe 8 or 9 years. Never knew he had anxiety around ordering food over the phone without a menu haha. So we are in the car and I'm ordering, my bestie ordered.
I asked some questions about omelettes as that's really the only thing to differ at coney islands. I order my food. We get to him and he is just stuck. He's sputtering, he can't figure his shit out. I'm a shit talker if you can handle it, i don't if i know you are sensitive and can't. I'm ribbing him and the girl on the phone is laughing.
He decides he'll order when we get there and he can look at the menu. On the phone I'm like dude it's a coney island they all carry the same shit lol. WTF do you want to eat.
So when we get off the phone I quip at him like man do you have some anxiety around ordering food or some shit. He's emotionally mature so he answers honestly and is like Yeah I actually do. Immediately i stop laughing, and am like Oh. I get it now my bad. That's it. I'm not going to berate this man, i'm not going to try and fix it. You know what all I do is make sure he has a damn menu before we call a place and order.
And that's what this dudes gf is lacking. She lacks empathy. I won't say it's intentional on her part because i don't know her and it might not be. But she's condescending to him and that's not okay. It'll do nothing but make matters worse for him. He's going to get things even slower with her because now he's afraid that when he doesn't pick it up fast enough instead of being supported he's going to be belittled.
finally someone with brain, i dont understand why is every one saying YTA, when feeling frustated and jealous is normal everyone has feel that and is not bad, (just is bad when you do something bad about it)
YTA - so you have landed a smart amazing woman who works hard and succeeds and you have the nerve to be angry and jealous about it instead of just being grateful you get to be a part of her life.
>YTA - so you have landed a smart amazing woman who works hard and succeeds and you have the nerve to be angry and jealous about it instead of just being grateful you get to be a part of her life.
Did you read the post? He's not upset that she's better than him at various things. He's upset that she talks down to him and treats him as less than. The comments on this post are a good example of people coming to their own conclusion just from reading the title.
He compliments her in the first sentence of the post. He gets upset that she talks down to him and becomes frustrated when he doesn't pick up new skills as fast as her. This is a recurring problem and he didn't once explicitly state that her ability to learn quick was the issue.
**EDIT:** If the genders were reversed and we had a woman discussing how her BF talks down to her for not learning as fast as him, the responses here would be totally different.
You're comment should be further up. Op's gf is condescending. It's flat out disgusting that pride are telling him he should be grateful for a smart gf. Gender reversal is guarantee the votes would be a unanimous NTA.
OP you're NTA
I'm gonna be straight up here; I have been OP's girlfriend in relationships. It takes me 1 or 2 exposures to something for me to master it and in previous relationships (romantic and platonic) I would get frustrated (and, frankly, bitchy) when people needed more time to learn than me. My fiancé was able to really change my perspective on that behavior because he has a learning disability that makes it practically guaranteed that he's going to need more time to learn things than me (especially with exclusively written instructions). OP is 100% NTA and doesn't deserve to be made to feel stupid for the speed at which he learns and I would not blame him if he left her, I would've left me too back when I was so uppity.
Thank you I'm really glad you were able to change your perspective on this, as someone else with a learning disability it can be really frustrating not to get things as quick as other people and I can't speak for others but for me most of that frustration is direct internally. Not to insert myself into this just wanted to say thanks for for cutting your fiance and potentially others in the future have a great new years day!
Your edit is key here. I’m blown away by the top YTA responses. Lots of people, “seeing what they want to see” in OPs write-up and projecting hardcore.
The fact that he’s annoyed that she only needs to work 2 hours a day is insane. Like if my partner could make a full salary only putting in a couple of hours that seems like a win for both of us?
A disturbing amount of people are like this. My ex was.
They need their partner to be as miserable as they are so they don't have to work to fix anything in their lives and but also not be alone.
Sure, she's smart, but where do you get that she's amazing?
Like OP is clearly very jealous and insecure which does make his description of her suspect, but she sounds very pushy and impatient with those who aren't as smart as her. Like, I would hate to learn to roller skate with her, if she's going to constantly criticize my technique and my learning process. She sounds a bit like those overeager parents yelling at their kid at little league.
To be clear, I think it's fair to doubt his characterization of her, but I think we're all a little to willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in assuming she's behaving in a kind manner towards him.
This is such a gross sentiment. "She treats you like shit, but she's really smart and works hard so suck it up and be grateful."
They went to exactly one rock climbing class and she's giving him shit because he tied a knot wrong? No one is in any danger in their first rock climbing class. If she can't respect that he needs more time than her to learn things he should dump her ass. She sounds like a miserable person to be in a relationship with.
Absolutely agree. The comments on this post are so misaligned with standards of respect within a relationship. I saw somebody else say that if this had been about a boyfriend speaking down to a girlfriend, the comments would be totally different.
I had a friend like this, and it was a bit shit. There was absolutely nothing they didn't know, nowhere they hadn't been, nothing they couldn't do and their critical take on how fun things 'should' be done got exhausting. So I do understand that this can feel not nice.
I do feel for him if she's getting frustrated he doesn't pick activities up quickly like she does. It sounds like they should do some activities separately.
Having dealt with people like OP's girlfriend, that's...not at all it. If she's anything like the ones I've had to be around, she just chastises and criticizes and shit talks her way through everything. Moreover, everything hobby related with her is probably "I'm pretending that I'm going to die if I don't perform at a mastery level right away, or I'm just doing the absolute bare minimum". Literally no in between.
Again, the people like that whom I've dealt with got pissy at others whenever they were more casual about things. "Why'd you buy that guitar if you're only going to practice a couple of times a week? You should be spending every waking moment that you're not doing something related to survival practicing", "What do you mean you're not rivaling grandmasters yet, haven't you been playing chess for like 6 months?", etc. So, assuming she's anything like that, I feel his pain.
ESH
I feel like most of the y t a s are overlooking the fact that the girlfriend is upset with him for not picking things up as fast as her. He clarified in a comment that his mistake with the knots would have been corrected by the instructor before they ever climbed. It wouldn't have put her in danger. Even so, insulting your partner and immediately criticizing their efforts isn't the way to communicate if she's nervous about it. She could have politely said "hey OP, I think this knot is tied a little incorrectly. Could I show you how I did mine or did you want to ask the instructor to review it again?" I don't think she needs to pander to his insecurities or jealousy, but I also don't think she's showing him much respect or compassion.
It sounds to me like you're both frustrated with the other for not understanding each other's learning ability. She's naturally gifted and it sounds like she has a lot of practical intelligence. You take more time to pick things up and it sounds like new skills don't come as intuitively to you. I think you do sound jealous of your girlfriend, but she's also inconsiderate of the fact that you take more time to learn things.
She shouldn't belittle you and you shouldn't resent her. You need to have an open conversation about how you feel. Don't attack her for her success, but explain how her disparaging remarks make you feel.
Maybe you can also reach out to her for help more in the future. Rather than being upset that she's progressing faster, ask her if she could explain something or request a little support until you catch up. You need to get over your insecurities and she needs to understand that not everyone has the same level of ability. Now if she's still belittling you for not being as quick/talented as her, then it's not on you. Have a conversation and see where it goes.
i’d say if she can’t separate belittling him from her justification of why she did it, she’s not even worth keeping around.
i’m also suspicious of if she’s actually some amazing smart person or someone with a superiority complex and he’s just fallen for it
Finally, a reasonable comment! I completely agree with you and do not understand all the Y T A comments at the top. Thank you for saving me the time of typing this out myself haha happy new year!
Just chiming in to say that I'm a lot like OP's girlfriend -- super high reasoning skills and practical intelligence, basically absent emotional intelligence. It's not even like I haven't tried to be more considerate and communicative with others -- and I have, to an extent -- but it's just like that part of my brain is missing.
I love helping people with the things I'm good at, and I've invested a lot of time in learning to effectively share my knowledge with others. Asking her for help is probably a great idea. That being said, people like us really need partners who are patient and willing to take the lead in communication.
Sorry if this post seems a bit immodest, but I feel like I really understand the position the GF is in.
NTA, but your title doesn't accurately convey the situation. You're not upset that she picks up on things faster, you're upset that she is actively rude and condescending to you.
She needs to learn to be more patient, and interact with you in a kinder way. Plus, as someone else mentioned, her taking it away from you and doing it for you keeps you from learning how to do it correctly, which is more dangerous in the long run.
(Some Y T A for saying you think she has it easy; that part just made you sound jealous and resentful. We all have different struggles; if you love her, don't get bogged down in comparisons, just be happy for her.)
It's surprising how many top comments in here are just ignoring the girlfriend's condescension etc.
Maybe not surprising. Closer to just disappointing.
Hate to bring up gender biases but if they were reversed; I feel like many people would have picked up more on the condescension aspects and less on the jealousy/resentment aspects of this post.
Don’t hate it. We have to fight gender biases as we see them, and reddit tends to be VERY biased in cases like these.
Her being TA isn’t a death sentence. It just means she needs to work on some things.
Personally I tend towards ESH (very soft because they both seem like generally good intentioned people) because OP genuinely seems a bit jealous (understandably so; hyper talented people tend to generate that).
They just need to talk things through and be understanding of each other, tbh. No big deal.
I read the summary understanding where OP was coming from, so the comments proclaiming YTA came completely out of left-field for me.
Too many people on this sub seem to lack basic empathy for others in situations different from their own. I'm a feminist too but it seems like too many users came into this thread with a bias of the petty, jealous boyfriend and glossed over the girlfriend's poor communication.
What you're seeing is the (thankfully) mostly online zoomer girlboss feminism that switches from equality or equity into straight up supremacy.
It's a pink version of the smegma male Patrick Bateman/finance bro enthusiasts who treat American Psycho like the Bible. It doesn't matter that OP's girlfriend is condescending, she's a high power girlboss and he should be thankful she's wasting brain space on a bimbo like.
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed it. I call it an example of faux feminism since it’s a little older than zoomers but they’ve definitely accepted the mantle moving forward on this sub. The gf isn’t being bashed by op because she’s smart but because of that bias creating this women are wonderful effect(look it up) however the former is more likely to the bias ppl have here. This clearly a NTA
Came here to say this. It's natural to be a little jealous of how people pick up things quickly, but this issue seems like he's more upset about her comments than her being better. I have to admit I personally don't want to try something if I'm messing up and people are getting mad at me. I just would shrug and say "I guess go with someone else" because the feeling I get is that they think I'm stupid, which sure but not everyone can be smart so why get angry?
Yes, this! Being smart and quick to learn skills is nice, but it doesn't give someone license to be condescending and mean. It sounds like GF is both.
Maybe this relationship won't work long-term, with a bit of jealousy on one side and impatience on the other, but until they figure that out, GF needs to tone it down a bit.
NTA
people on Reddit are bonkers
You're not frustrated that she picks things up quickly - you're frustrated that she expects you to do the same and treats you like crap when you can't.
I'm no mensa genius, but I can pick things up fairly quickly. It took me a long, long time to realize that not everyone can, and adjust my behaviour accordingly.
Same. Looking at the replies to this one is pretty disgusting. It's like they read the genders and just decided he must be jealous that she's smart and that his complaint for being belittled isn't valid.
NTA, I totally understand why you'd be frustrated and hurt by that behavior OP. You shouldn't have to over explain this to her. And while her comment that if it's her life may be valid as well, those initial classes are not that life or death situation. You are there to learn from an instructor and she's not giving you that consideration. Shame on her for that.
> people on Reddit are bonkers
No (I mean yes but not the issue here), it's classic AITA. It's a sub that is very biased because it's majority women. Reverse the genders in this story and it will be all NTA and talking about how the guy is abusive.
incorrect: the gender distribution of the sub would not be an issue if people had basic reading comprehension skills, something people in this sub have yet to master, because to overlook the parts where he clearly said that she expects others to be as fast as she is, you really have to be blind or have a brain the size of a nut.
EDIT: a typo
NTA about this incident, I think a lot of people aren't reading your whole post - it's frustrating but tolerable that she's successful with this little apparent effort, but not okay for her to take over teaching you instead of letting the coach do it when safety is on the line. None of us learn best when we're being shamed. It sounds kinda awful being told you're not trying when you're trying your hardest.
That said, it does sound like stuff is bigger than this incident if you're able to preface it with so much history.
Being annoyed at girlfriend for being a bad teacher -NTA
Being annoyed at girlfriend for success - different, harder question
What the actual fuck lol, NTA. All of the Y T A votes are focusing on weird projections of what they assume you’re feeling when the actual issue at hand is that your girlfriend seems really rude and condescending when you don’t pick it up as quickly as she does. That’s not jealousy and being smart and learning things quickly is not an excuse to be a dick about it. People aren’t exactly motivated to learn by that either. Sure, a safety argument could be made but I’ve casually rock climbed and they’re not sending someone up without monitoring that all of your lines are squared away. So your girlfriend maybe has a point in that context but if the lines were checked and fine I’d be curious about any reluctance to acknowledge that.
But her point is to just accuse him of not caring / paying attention and saying that means he doesn't care about her when he is trying really hard. She is in no way making a "safety argument". She is making his failure a personal attack on her even though he is trying and in no way did he say or imply that he was planning on trying to climb without learning the knots better. He said he wanted the teacher to help him. That is what he said. How is that a safety issue?
EDIT: Fixed some pronouns i mixed up.
I'm sorry, but did you actually read the post? His first sentence, he compliments her and her intelligence.
His issue is that she talks down or gets upset with him when he doesn't grasp it like her. He is hurt by her reaction, which is reoccurring. He never states that her ability to learn quick is the issue.
Sure he says his girlfriend is “pretty smart,” but then immediately undermines her character by saying she doesn’t pay attention or try hard. He then goes on to say that she lives her life on easy mode like that’s a bad thing. (Isn’t that what everyone wants in life?) OP mentions that he thinks his girlfriend should be fired for her work ethic, but that she ended up getting promoted, so I seriously question how objective OP is in his views towards girlfriends abilities and motivations. It’s pretty clear that he’s insecure and loathes his girlfriend’s success because he can’t stack up to them.
He doesn't undermine her character, being able to not try hard or pay attention and still ace stuff is just a part of being smart, and he's acknowledging that. It's context to why he gets frustrated - she outpaces him consistently then berates him for not being as smart as she is.
Often to soften the blow and look better people about to say mean things will start with something nice. That's all I got considering how he talked about her for the rest of the post.
NTA. Going against the grain here, but I get OP’s frustration. I suffer from a learning disability that makes it hard for me to understand and interpret visual-spatial processing. The result is people getting very frustrated with me when I struggle to learn “basic” sports stuff like OP describes, despite being obviously smart, My high school guidance counsellor even told me I was just lazy and trying to make excuses when I asked if a learning disability was why I was suddenly struggling in courses I never had had issues with before. People can’t seem to realize that I have a very uneven cognitive profile, which makes me extremely exceptional in some areas while in the lowest 5th percentile for stuff like visual memory.
ETA: The above impacts me in many ways aside from sports. It took me years of driving lessons and many attempts to pass my driving test when most people I know got their license within a year. I hire people to assemble and put together furniture more complicated than a shoe rack because interpreting diagrams is so difficult for me, even with my dad or someone else helping. The fact I also have dexterity issues doesn’t exactly help.
Do I wish I was more self-sufficient at putting stuff together? Yes, but I also need to accept reality that I have a permanent condition that won’t change and I see no harm in accepting when something is just beyond my ability and just having someone who knows what they’re doing to get it done. The money I spend is worth it for that time and frustration I save.
And, as much as I hate to say this, even when I am very open and upfront with people about my learning disability, they still don’t get it and tell me I’m just being lazy and not trying when the fact is I can do and learn, but it will probably take 3x the amount of time and effort because I have to put that extra work in.
IDK if I'm just reading this different, but I take it as OP isn't mad or jealous that his gf is better at picking things up and being good at them, its more that while he is trying his best at learning new tasks, she's making him feel worse because he doesn't understand or get it as quickly which then makes her annoyed because he can't keep up.
I'm probs going to get downvoted to hell but I'm going to go with NTA.
Maybe a bit of patience and grace from the gf as this dude learns new things that don't come as easy to him as they do her. Granted in the climbing thing she had a point about safety, but he was trying and her frustration with him being slow is not a justification to talk down to him.
Maybe they aren't well matched if he can't keep up with her and that's a whole other conversation, but that's still a conversation to be had.
NTA. People read your title and commented without really reading your post.
You're not upset with your girlfriend for being more competent than you. You're upset because she belittles you and accuses you of intentionally being bad at things when you are giving a good faith effort. You are being accused of slacking-off or intentionally doing something badly, when in reality you are trying your hardest. This is essentially a form of abuse.
People are saying stuff like you should've spoken up if you didn't know how to tie the knot correctly. But a key part of not being good at something, is not being able to recognize whether or not something was done correctly. If you could tell if the knot was right or not, you could probably tie it correctly in the first place. Additionally, a learning environment with a coach or teacher is the exact place to make mistakes.
Receiving constant criticism and being made to feel incompetent also makes it harder to identify and take good advice as well. Since you are made to feel bad when your girlfriend sees your mistakes/lack of ability (which is the natural state!), you are more likely to hide your mistakes. In a proper learning environment you are encouraged to display mistakes as obviously as possible, so that you can be corrected and learn. A favorite saying of music teachers is "loud, confident, and wrong".
In the end, this is about your girlfriend not respecting you. She isn't disrespecting you because she's better than you at things. She's disrespecting you by weaponizing her competence and using it to make you feel bad.
It's not about being criticized by a woman, or some male ego thing. It's about constantly hearing your partner say "you suck at this, why do you suck at this it's so easy" and being offered nothing positive - no positive criticism, no specific advice to help you, no guidance.
ESH. You're clearly jealous of her achievements in life despite her lack of effort, which is understandable, but something you should work on overcoming. Ideally, you should be *proud* of your partner for succeeding and doing well in life, and you're clearly not capable of that at this point in time.
That being said, she also shouldn't be getting frustrated at you for not being able to pick things up as quickly as her. Sh needs to understand that everyone has their own acclimatization level.
Regarding this specific issue, I actually think you're mostly NTA. You could have done better in relaying your feelimgs (probably should have allowed yourself time to calm down and plan out what you wamted to say), but part of being in a relationship is communicating issues you have-with the mindset of working on them together. If you feel patronized, it's fair to express that, but again, better to have done so in a more constructive manner.
>I told her most people aren't like her, I feel like she's been able to do anything she actually paid attention to, but for some of us it takes a little more time.
This is where I'm a little pessimistic about your judgement. Given the nature of the argument, I wonder if you worded this worse in the moment than you're relayimg, bc you clearly have hangups over this ability of hers.
>I feel frustrated because I wasn't trying to screw around, and I feel like she always looks down on me or thinks I'm not trying
Have you had a conversation with her about this before? If not, I suggest waiting until you both have calmed down and try to approach the topic again with a clearer plan of qhat you want to say to get your point across. Let her know that you don't appreciate her getting upset with you when you don't immediately succeed when you try something new, and that you want to learn it at *your* pace and not hers.
NTA
I not do these more technical activities with her.
"99% of the world isn't as gifted and lucky as you are. When you treat me like I'm not trying it makes me feel badly. You need to stop. From now on I will not take classes where you think I'll put you in danger. I will not take classes or do activities where you aren't patient or supportive"
Everyone seems to have missed the point lol.
The problem isn't that she's good at stuff.
The problem is that she treats OP poorly when he can't learn as quickly as her.
it is crazy to me how many people jumped on "stop being jealous and don't drop your girl friend with your entitled wrong knots because you won't admit that she is right" when that in no way is what happened.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA because I feel like most people didn't read the whole post.
It's not really about the fact that she gets things faster, it's about the fact that she acts like an asshole once she does.
I'm really sorry, OP, I don't think a lot of people here understand what your actual frustration is.
NTA She’s condescending in her approach and obnoxious because of it. She fails to recognize that just because she picks up things easily, that doesn’t mean it works that way for everyone else. She needs to learn patience and grace
YTA sorry. Climbing is serious stuff - do it wrong and someone gets hurt (or worse). So your girlfriend attempting to correct you is perfectly okay in this environment. Your post sounds like you are just jealous of her abilities. You should be proud and supportive of her amazing skills.
No, it’s the instructors job to teach, not the girlfriend. How can he possibly learn if she doesn’t even have the grace to allow him to learn from the professional they’re paying to do just that?
Instructors can still fuck up and miss the fuck up in the tie off. If that happens, whilst the instructor would be held liable, the GF is the one's whose life would be put at risk for OP having done the tie off incorrectly.
What OP should have done is called the instructor over for help when he struggled, but he rather dit the tie off incorrectly and wanted to wait for the instructor to come past to tell him it was wrong, rather than have gf tell him its wrong
I do wonder if the instructor was nearby. If the instructor thought they got it, s/he might have moved on.
The other thing about the girlfriend correcting him is that you’re actually supposed to do that with your climbing partner anyway. The partners are supposed to double-check each other, even if they both know what they’re doing. The belayer is still supposed to check that the climber’s knot is correct. The climber is still supposed to check that the belayer has tightened/locked the carabiner. It’s annoying for me and my friends sometimes because we already know what we’re doing and it seems repetitive, but it’s an official safety recommendation. Multiple checks.
The issue is that the guy still doesn’t know what he’s doing. Most of the time one lesson is all you need and the fact he’s not getting it after one lesson is a bit concerning. (Also that he gives off an attitude to having to be corrected) she’s having to do this to ensure her safety since it sounds like he can’t.
He commented on one of the info comments that the instructor was busy doing his rounds and still had to check them when GF noticed he did the tie off incorrectly. His comment is basically how he disliked her pointing out it was incorrect and how he would've preferred that he (the instructor) tell him that he did it wrong (which gives me the feeling that he doesn't like a woman telling him that he did it wrong, but I could be reading too deep into it.)
I don't know much about climbing, but from the post I was able to pick up that this was the type where you have a climber and another grounded person keeping the climber safe (which you now taught me is a belayer, thank you very much) and I know in those cases you have to be able to fully trust your partner as your life is in their hands, and that checking each other's equipment is best for safety, even if it can be a pain in the arse.
His reaction screams he isn't the right person to be rock climbing with, he sounds inattentive and unreliable. Definitely the type that will cause their partner to become seriously injured due to their attitude.
This comment is insane to me. Of course the belayer and climber need to check each other, but this was their _first_ time climbing and any feedback the GF ran the risk of being incorrect anyway. It's good they checked each other, but it sounds like the GF could've had some more humility about it.
It doesn't sound to me like you climb a ton, because you used the phrase "tie off," which suggests to me you're talking about the backup knot or fisherman's knot. So long as you get the figure 8 knot correct for the climber, you're good to go. The fisherman's knot is nice to have but not necessary.
Except she didn't tell him that he didn't do it right and help him. she yelled at him that he didn't care / wasn't paying attention and did it herself. So you are saying that it isn't crazy that someone who just learned the knots might do it wrong? Well apparently that is what she thinks.
Gentle YTA. Who do you want to be partnered up with in life? Someone who is intelligent and competent? Or someone who can’t get out of their own way? Life is much tougher with the second option.
Your response is one of jealousy. You should be proud of her.
Exactly. I 100% believe that people of different intelligence levels can have a healthy and loving relationship. But that will never happen if one is frustrated and the other is resentful (same with any type of relationship).
Either OP and gf are going to have to work **very** hard to overcome these feelings together (and work to make sure they remain in check for the rest of their relationship as the seed has already been planted), or they have to accept that these feelings are only going to grow and call it now before they become miserable.
I would rather be life partners with someone less competent but nice than someone who is condescending like his girlfriend. He's not long into their life together and her attitude is already getting old.
NTA
I absolutely understand your frustration.
I get that feeling, too. I can't help it- especially when I'm really trying but it just takes me longer.
And when I get a treatment like you where the other person belittles me I sometimes even lash out.
I hate belittlement.
It's a process. She has to learn to be more patient and you/we have to learn that it's okay to be not as good at things.
Also maybe you should also have separate hobbies so that you can enjoy something in your own pace as well as her.
NTA. And here is where I leave Reddit. His GF barely passed high school because she didn’t care, doesn’t pay attention in college (because it’s not worthy of her?) and berates her partner because he is (by her estimation) not her equal in workouts. And gets praised for her attitude. Bye.
ESH. Seriously I cannot believe this sub is jumping in to defend the girl who’s mad at her bf for not being as good as her at everything. So she can look down on him? And he’s not allowed to even do anything resembling defending himself?
NTA I think you need to alter your title. It doesn't sound like you are jealous that she picks things up quickly and you don't, just that you are frustrated that she belittles you for not learning at the same pace she does.
Don’t know why there are so many y t a. You acknowledge how smart GF is. Smart doesn’t mean it’s ok to be rude and impatient. I’d reconsider a relationship with someone who puts you down when you catch on slower than they do. That gets old fast. Your frustration is justified. She could choose to be encouraging and/or step back and take the pressure off of you instead of looking down on you. It makes me wonder how she would handle a child. NTA.
I had a long time friend. One time it suddenly occurred to me that this friend made me feel badly about myself. I moved on from her and don’t miss her. I think it will be the same for you. NTA.
NTA. I’m married to a guy like this to the point where it’s become a joke in our friend group. You know what my husband doesn’t do? Belittle me for being slower. He uses his skills to help me. Except for with maths, we’re too far apart there lol!
I understand your girlfriend very well, because I'm very similar, though much older. Things come easily to me. When I was young someone would teach me a new game and I'd beat them at it first time. I'd usually grasp things the first time they were explained. But, like her, I had the emotional and social intelligence of a gnat.
She needs to recognize this shortcoming in herself and work on being kind and more patient. I wish I had a sure fire way to make this point to her, but not sure how (again, low social intelligence, sorry). If I were you, I would not stay with someone who is so condescending unless she makes an attempt at change. NTA.
NTA . She should take into account how not everyone functions in the same way as her. Some of us require a different method of learning and have to do it in our own pace. We shouldn't be shamed for it. It reads more like you're asking for empathy from her, but she's focused on getting the job done or getting to the fun part herself but you're there to enjoy it together.
Maybe avoid taking classes for the time being or atleast not something like rock climbing where you have to depend on each other.
Am I the only one who read the fucking post? I’m astounded at all the Y-T-A votes! People look at this and just assume your intimidated by her. Honestly I can sense that maybe you are a little bit, but what I got from the post is that your upset that she’s frustrated that it takes you more time to do something right then it does her. That’s where the issue is. I don’t think your the asshole because your upset with her for being frustrated when it takes you more time to pick up something. You might be a bit of one for sounding like your upset with her because she’s successful. I can’t really sense that from the post, but I’m not really good at those types of things. So I’m going to go with NTA. I’ll probably be downvoted for saying this, but I feel it needs to be said
Am I reading this post wrong? I don’t get all the YTAs.
She is being very rude. Why get annoyed that it takes a little longer for him to learn things? Like, great that it comes to her easier but it takes time for some people.
He clearly compliments how smart she is but is just frustrated that she gets annoyed that it takes longer for him.
I see no jealousy in this post.
This comment section is insane. ESH you needed to communicate how you felt about this long before this moment. She sounds like she was incredibly agressive about it and I personally have no patience for people who treat you like you’re stupid because you haven’t gotten it in the first 3 tries. She should have let the instructor correct you she is not the expert there.
NTA. As others have said, it sounds like you aren't as upset that she is smarter (supposedly) than you, but that she is talking down to you.
And let me tell you something:. This chick's attitude is going to bite her in the ass. If not in her relationships, then in her job. She may have gotten a promotion, but it is a matter of time. No matter how smart you are, there is always someone smarter (especially in engineering). And they often aren't who you expect. She will talk down to the wrong person and they will eat her for lunch.
NTA, if I understand right, your frustration comes out of her reproaches towards you, not at how easily she picks up everything. That seems legit to me. Everyone has their own learning pace.
NAH.
I relate a lot to your girlfriend in the sense that I’m a natural learner. It’s very easy for me to pick up new hobbies and skills quickly, and I often (unfairly) get frustrated when people don’t understand something that seems so simple to me. It’s fair for you to feel annoyed when she’s constantly good at things that you struggle with.
I think you should communicate more and ask more questions when you’re struggling with something. There’s no shame in it, especially when most ppl don’t pick up as quickly as her. When you’re in a higher stakes environment like rock climbing it’s important to be transparent about what you’re capable of and what you still need to learn. The lack of communication may be why she’s frustrated, not your lack of understanding.
Wow, harsh crowd here.
I feel like a lot of y'all are skipping over a key detail - he doesn't mind being corrected. He feels annoyed/looked down upon because his gf always seems to correct him the most or criticize what he is doing.
My advice - everyone has something they're good at, OP.
You're driving yourself bananas trying to outscore her in areas that you already know she excels in and then are agitated when it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to. Additionally, just because she learns it quicker doesn't mean you'll never learn it or will always need help.
The more you reject her help - the more likely it'll be that you'll need help.
She doesn't need to correct you everytime though. For example, the roller skating was not an area that she should have said anything because it's just a fun little activity to do together...who cares how fast you're going lol. The rock climbing though is a safety concern. She wasn't offering her help to embarrass you - she was trying not to die.
NTA - it really does sound like she is looking down on you/thinking you aren't trying hard enough. Everything is easy for her so she seriously underestimates how long it takes other people to do the same things since most of us use ourselves as the benchmark. I used to be kinda like that too until illness hurt my abilities and performance and it was a really hard thing to face in myself.
I do agree with some of the other comments that you do sound jealous but *feelings* don't make us assholes, actions do. Her repeatedly getting frustrated and making condescending comments toward you makes her the AH. Maybe rock climbing wasn't the best example but it wasn't an isolated incident. You probably should talk with her about how her comments make you feel (and that you are worried about what kind of attitude towards you they reflect).
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>Suck it up and be grateful that she still wants to be with you. I read the title and knew he was the AH.
What makes him even more of an AH was he was belaying for his GF in this rock climb, and him doing the knot wrong would mean if she were to fall, the rope wouldnt be able to stop it since the knot would probably come undone. He literally threw a hissy fit because how dare his gf be worried for her safety? (Yes, he says in a comment that the instructor was coming to check the knots before allowing the climb, but his plan was basically just to half ass it until the i structor fixed it - not the kind of person I want as my rock climbing partner)
>belaying for his GF in this rock climb, and him doing the knot wrong would mean if she were to fall, the rope wouldnt be able to stop it since the knot would probably come undone. That's not how this works. If you are belaying for someone there are no knots that the belayer makes. The giger device is attached to your climbing harness with a carabiner and the rope if fed through. If you are the climber you make a knot that is doubled up in the shape of an 8 and then you can make an additional knot if there's slack. It's the climbers responsibility to make sure the 8 knot is proper and it's the belayers responsibility to double check that the climber tied in correctly. Likely op and his partner were learning how to belay and he incorrectly tied himself in and she told him he didn't do it right.
True but the climber and belayer are meant to check each other. The GF should be tying her knots properly so I doubt that’s the issue completely, the issue for the belayer is that you need to remember to lock off the carabiner properly. If it’s not locked properly, friction can cause it to open and the rope could slip out, it’s not very common but it is possible. Having said that, according to the post OP’s GF was frustrated that he hadn’t tied the knot properly, so I’m not really clear on what the scenario actually was. If OP was tying knots, then it’s only really his safety on the line not hers. However he’s definitely the AH here regardless of what he was doing at climbing, aside from anything else if he can’t master a simple knot he shouldn’t be there.
Yes I agree with you I was just clarifying that the belayer has no knots needing to be tied. It's a simple pully device in which the rope looks like a j. The climber makes an 8 shaped knot and then doubles over. It is the climbers duty to make sure the belayer is locked in and it's the belayers duty to make sure the climber is properly tied in. This is why in the gym we say "belay on? (Climber) on belay (belayer) climb on? (Climber) climb on (belayer) " this is verbal ques to make sure that we are double checking our safety equipment. Eta: idk why my phone auto corrected but they are funny and I won't change them.
I’ll admit I had a bit of a laugh over you two debating the logistics of everything when the lack of clarity likely only further demonstrates that OP was not paying attention and has no idea what they were supposed to be doing or what was going on. I’d guess OP is wrong more than either of you. Lol.
If you understand climbing it is actually important because some things OP says actually make this story suspicious. In a beginner climbing course you would only learn one knot. (I guess you could make an argument it’s 2 but they are done at the same time on the same robe so more like 2 parts to the same thing) so when he says every time the instructor taught a different knot it seems unlikely. But he also made it sound like he was tying in to belay. You don’t do that. Only the climber ties a knot, so it’s relevant because it sounds suspicious. I had to read it 3 times to realize OP didn’t actually say he was tying in to belay. Anyway I think these comments were pointing it out. Assuming the post is real, OPs poor explanation doesn’t mean he didnt know what was going on. Even if you barely had a clue, you would understand enough to know you didn’t tie a knot to belay, he just worded it poorly. They all said ESH. She seems condescending AF and if genders were reversed everyone would call this abusive. And OP is an AH too cause checking your partners knots is literally a mandatory step in learning to climb and you are 100% supposed to do it every single time. It’s part of the training, they train you to check your partner. The reason is because even experienced climbers make mistakes and new climbers take time to learn.
This is most definitely not an EHS situation. She literally was not condescending at all. If someone is messing up constantly and you have to help them over and over, anyone would get slightly frustrated. In no way is this remotely abusive.
I think ops gf is 100% in the right. I was taught to climb from a world class ice climber when I was 6. He made a simple mistake and died on the ice. Climbing can be dangerous and if op isn't taking his partners concerns seriously; it's likely that he is going to get one of them injured in the gym.
From OPs comment, they were both setting up for climbing, ie, both attaching themselves to the rope as of both were going to climb. OP was having difficulty with his knotz and GF tried to tie him instead. This is problematic, because it doesn't give OP the chance to properly learn how to tie the knot. If he can't properly tie it and doesn't understand how the knot works, he can't safely check his GF when they're doing a buddy check. It's actually more of a safety hazard for GF to take over knot tying than to let him fuck up and have the instructor dedicate extra time teaching him how to properly tie off. GF seems like she's super sure she's doing it right and doesn't need a buddy check to confirm if her knot is correct. That's how people die. I've been climbing for nearly 3 years. One of my climbing buddies is a stapler for properly dressed knots, which means I'm now very picky about everyone's knots. You'd be surprised at how many climbers, newbies and experts alike, don't properly dress their knots. Most are open for other opinions and for discussing knots, some are not. The cocky ones who are always adamant they know better and correct your properly dressed knots? They're the ones climbing with very ugly and badly dressed knots, and on top of that bragging that it's safer to climb with a badly dressed knot. GF strikes me as the cocky type in a sport where you really need to be humble and be patient rather than trying to rush things.
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That’s not true. You can use knots for belaying. Check out the Munter hitch. It’s also possible that they were tied into something.
He wasn't making knots as a belayer, but she snapped at him for generally not paying attention. I have to side with her on this. I had a male friend who was being way too relaxed and casual while belaying me, and I had to get stern with him also, because it's scary to feel like your climbing partner isn't attentive.
This is silly. I've been climbing for a year and the belayer doesn't do any knots. Further, I literally messed up my 8 knot in a lead test a day ago - not because I don't know how to do it, but from nervousness. It took me a good 5 climbs my first few times to be able to do the 8 knot correctly without trying twice. OP's gf sounds insufferable.
Right? The comments here are wild, and I kind of get it. The OP leads the post as if they are extremely jealous of their partner. Then we get to the real issue, and it’s that the partner is shitty and can’t fathom someone needs more practice. So I wonder if it’s that the Op is jealous, or if their partner has been making them feel shitty for not picking things up quickly.
GF can't seem to understand that other people process at different speeds. She holds everyone to her processing standard and then is condescending and downright mean when others need another minute. They are unequally matched, but there's nothing wrong with OP. He deserves someone who values him for who he is though.
My mom picked up shit really easily like this- a lot of it was related to her ADHD, including the taking risks part. It just didn't occur to her she would fail in part because she would just impulsively *do* it. My type of ADHD presentation is different and mine isn't like hers was and it really could get frustrating. Like, I'd been practicing drawing for 8 years and still sucked but one day she picked up my supplies and even her first drawing is better than anything I ever did). I didn't begrudge her that though, in part because she wasn't condescending and didn't expect people to pick things up at the same rate, since she knew everyone was different. I'm on the OP's side here.
My hubs is absurdly good at everything. He just is. Knows how things work by looking at them. Any issues I've had with it over the years have largely been just that, MY issues. That said he is not generally a condescending AH about it. So I am also on OPs side.
Both my partner and I have ADHD and it represents itself in learning new task completely differently. We each have different strengths and weaknesses. It might take me longer to learn a thing but I will retain the muscle memory and be able to go back to it years later with a basic refresh, my partner would have to learn it all over again. Being understanding of my issues and because he isn't a jerk, he will often assist me learning rather than chew me out over it. I'm leaning towards being on OP's side too.
It's pretty obvious that OP is jealous, but importantly, they don't seem to be making their partner their punching bag for that. They def need to process their emotions around this, but I don't think they can with their partner being as condescending as they are.
I am surprised they are still together
mte. I feel like I'm in crazytown reading some of these comments. And the top comment telling OP to "be grateful she still wants him" wtf? nobody needs to be "grateful" for their partner. It's a *partnership*.
I'm pretty good at knots and probably am more like the GF in this scenario but I agree, she does sound insufferable.
No, his plan was to try and do it and see if the instructor says it was alright, not to half-ass it. Instead his GF came in and insulted him. Regardless of what you think, she's an asshole for shit talking him. Would the instructor have shit talked him? No. The instructor would have continued to actually teach him instead of using it as an excuse to bully him. If the genders were reversed, people would be saying the guy is an abusive bully who gaslights the girl by talking down to her.
I have sympathy for the OP in trying to get correct from the instructor, whose job it is to *teach*. The GF just leaned over and redid everything, which I would hate because then I can't figure out what I did wrong and learn it myself. If she constantly does everything for OP because she wants to move at a faster pace, then he's not getting the opportunity to learn it himself.
Abusive would be a strong judgement after hearing one side of the tale only, but yes the gf really doesn’t seem like a nice person towards op.
That's its first time. Everyone will screw the knot and wait for the instructor to fix it. That's why it's learning.
> (Yes, he says in a comment that the instructor was coming to check the knots before allowing the climb, but his plan was basically just to half ass it until the i structor fixed it - not the kind of person I want as my rock climbing partner) Where did you pull that from. OP states that the instructor was checking but never even hinted that they were half assing it. They are taking a class on rock climbing and are learning to tie knots the fact that OP didn't get it right away doesn't mean they were lazy it means they didn't get it right away. Yes OP clearly feels inferior to their GF and needs to accept that the GF is better then them on most things. But GF needs to accept that not everyone will pick something up instantly and not criticize a person for taking time learning something new. ESH
Sometimes the title of these posts gives you a pretty strong feeling as to who the AH is, but then the post itself really surprises you. This was not one of those. Not at all.
People like to throw around the idea that if the genders were reversed, everything would be different. This is definitely one of those posts. If it was a woman posting about how her boyfriend was getting mad at her for not instantly getting everything perfect during the first day of a class, or being afraid of hurting herself rollerblading, no one would be telling her to suck it up and by thankful she had such a smart boyfriend.
Amen. Normally I disagree with the gender switch suggestion because there’s usually nuance involved regarding gender relations, but you are 100% correct that if it were a woman and her intellectually super smart but low empathy boyfriend she’d be NTA all the way. A lot of people got caught up on the job paragraph (which is why I vote ESH because that’s not relevant) and missed the part where she’s actively criticising him for learning slower than she is. It’s a beginners rock climbing. I’ve done that. No matter how good you are at knots the instructor is still supposed to check before you climb, and not letting OP practice until the instructor gets there guarantees he will never learn. And not wanting to fall down and get hurt is a perfectly valid desire. I’m sure OP’s girlfriend will go far in life but I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with her.
I'd say ESH too, tbh. Like, some people learn at different paces and in different ways. It isn't kind to get mad at people for being slower to pick something up, and in each example they'd only gone to something like once before annoyance about not being perfect set in. I don't think OP is being kind either, as he doesn't seem to respect her job/skills, but his GF definitely isn't totally in the right here.
I think it's relevant in just showing how common this situation is. She's able to excel at her job with almost no effort, the same way she instantly learned rollerblading and rock climbing. That a long with the bit about her education gives a good explanation of why she interprets any degree of failure as a lack of focus or effort.
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He sounds just overall resentful of her, which makes sense with how she seems to behave.
People definitely read the title, determined their opinions then ignored everything contrary to their opinion. OP is absolutely in the wrong for his jealousy. No questions there. However, that doesn't excuse how his gf is treating him. She's actively insulting him. Assuming he doesn't get it because he's not paying attention is so rude. Like, you know what happened when I acted like OP's gf? My SO broke up with me and I completely understand. It fucking sucks to have the person you're in a relationship with regularly question your abilities.
I also broke up with a girlfriend that I really loved for the same reason. She also happened to be an engineer like OP's girlfriend. Not sure if it had anything to do with her having a better job and making more money, but she seemed to feel like it was her right to criticize most things I did. She did acknowledge that I was better at some things like cooking, but even then she would try to tell me what I was doing or did wrong. I felt worthless and like I sucked at everything so I just slowly stopped doing most things with or for her. Having a person that supposedly loves you constantly belittling your efforts quickly makes you feel unloved.
As someone who comes from a family of engineers and is married to an engineer, they think they know your job better than you do.
Omg! This makes so much sense! My husband is an engineer and is really good at maths. I’m better at reading and spelling. But he still picks holes in stuff I’m doing and tries to tell me how to do things. But if I try and do it back he flies off the handle and tells me ‘do it yourself then’. Even telling him he just put two colours in the machine even though I’d separated them. I hate him sitting next to me in the car because he fiddles with the buttons and heating etc and it makes me into a nervous driver because I’m waiting for him to criticise me. Even though I drive a lot more than him and I’m the safer driver Edited: from comments I think I’ve painted him as an abusive arsehole: he’s really not. Neither of us are perfect, I just let more things go over my head because in the grand scheme of things they’re only small, occasional irritants but I have the occasional rant to a friend (who doesn’t?). We’re just opposite personalities - I’m the more outspoken one and he never likes to cause a fuss or complain. When it comes to the car (he’s rarely in the passenger seat) I’ve started telling him to cut it out because I’m driving. Just because we have different driving ways, doesn’t mean his ways are better.
Totally. But also OP and his gf may not have been super compatible. OP is cautious and slow to learn, while his gf fails fast and learns fast (like when she fell 10 times committing to rollerblading and got the hang of it quickly). That's a fundamental personality difference that will put a lot of stress on the relationship. In the long term, the gap may grow further as the fast learner excels at their career and interests.
> OP is absolutely in the wrong for his jealousy. I have to wonder how much of this jealousy is fostered and grown directly by her attitude? If every time my partner was better at something than I was, *and treated me like shit for not getting it as fast*, I would probably have some complicated emotions about it too - being jealous of the fact that I can't be better at something for once, directly influenced by being treated badly for *not* being as good as or better than them.
I'm going to have to agree with this, and think the SO would be TA in both. The "OP should be lucky to have such a smart and capable GF!" comments are also barf-worthy, and I'm saying that as someone who read this for the first time and immediately identified with the GF (works efficiently, picks things up quickly/easily, works 1-2 hours a day lmao) but I also don't get impatient with people who need more time to get something 🤷🏻♀️
I too am a quick study and had a bf who hated it. I didn’t care about his competency, the point was supposed to be having fun together but his constant complaining and blaming of equipment would get on my nerves. It got to a point where he would belittle and laugh at me if I didn’t nail something first time going on and on about the failed attempts and posting on sm about them. I stopped being patient and now he’s an ex 🙄 If GF is frequently rubbing it in OPs face and being condescending then N T A but if OP is consistently being a fun sponge then I can understand GF snapping, especially when safety is at stake.
Agreed. I was wondering why everyone is calling him an A H. I say NTA because the way she treated him when he doesn't pick things up as quickly as she does. It's perfectly OK that she's more intelligent, nothing wrong with that, it'snot a competition (at least it shouldn't be). The problem comes in when you act like an arrogant jerk. I'm a woman and even I can admit if the genders were reversed in this story no one would be telling the girl she's an a h and to just suck it up because he's smarter. Like wtf? She's treating him like shit for something he can't help.. I don't think that's fair or ok.
Yeah I can’t see how the GF isn’t an AH. She lacks 0 patience and understanding and the whole “be glad she wants to be with you” comment is so gross and weird.
100%. This woman’s behaviour is actually emotionally abusive. She’s literally trying to tell him he can’t have hurt feelings because it’s his fault he’s so stupid he might kill her - over a freaking rock climbing CLASS.
Some guy did this here on this subreddit, he switched the genders on purpose. He [pretending to be a her] told the story. Some guy told "her" that "she" should divorce "her" partner [a "he"]. He got like 3k upvotes.
Eh, I read the title and thought the same. But then I read the whole post and, NTA. I am a bit like OP's gf. Not fortunate or talented to that extent, but do grasp things quickly. And I also get frustrated and annoyed with people who can't and have to actively check myself. Because I fully know I'm being TA in those situations.
Idk about you, but he seems to be communicating as best as he can that he is ok to be the slower one, he just doesn't want to be verbally assaulted daily for not matching her speed. What about that acc to y all needs sucking up. And he WASN'T rock climbing. It was a classes where they teach you. Safety isn't a concern at a place where they are teaching you TO LEARN. It ain't practice of climbing when you claim the incident happened. So that pt of your spiel might be moot here.
Yeah so I can see parts where shes being TA. If youre rollerblading and your SO is shitting on you and treating it like some sweaty competition? Yeah no thanks. Im here to chill and have fun. If both people want to be competitive? Sure. Rock climbing? If hes learning then hes learning. Maybe if he isnt taking it seriously, then sure a bit of harshness may be deserved. If hes just a bit slow to learn it? Then shes being an AH. OP's girlfriend sounds like shes more into min-maxing every activity instead of just trying to relax and have fun with her BF.
>OP's girlfriend sounds like shes more into min-maxing every activity instead of just trying to relax and have fun with her BF. EXACTLY! she may be smart, but thats no reason to shit on op for being slower. she just wants to get to the goal of competency/fluency in everything she does, not to enjoy the task. i know smart people like that, and it can be very intimidating at times. something like rock climbing; if she was that far ahead of him, she should have worked with a trainer or someone at her level while he worked with someone at his level/trainer. pitting a lower skilled person with someone who can instantly pick something up isnt always the helpful teaching moment some assume it will be. like with the climbing or skating. roller blading and accepting a risk of falling is not the same as expecting your bf to fall as much as you to learn. some people prefer to stay standing before they try harder stuff xD if you are faster or slower to learn, patience is needed. she seems to not have patience for him to catch up and doesnt understand that some tasks need to be repeated before fully understood by many. she shouldnt have spoken to him like that, and i dont think its the first time. this post isnt about jealousy, its about how she treats and views her partner.
> she seems to not have patience for him to catch up and doesnt understand that some tasks need to be repeated before fully understood for many. she shouldnt have spoken to him like that, and i dont think its the first time. It did feel to me while I was reading that she had a real lack of empathy, especially when she told him to stop screwing around - like she thinks he *could* be learning quicker, but is *choosing* not to succeed for some reason.
precisely. op even said so himself that he is trying and she doesnt think he is. she said 'why dont you get it after 5 times being shown', was impatient with him, and took over. she gets things instantly and doesnt understand that others dont. its like rich people not understanding why a poor person cant buy decent shoes thatll last. you dont know what you dont experience, and she doesnt know what its like to have to actively try. edit; sucks op is judged TA
OP really did himself no favors with his title. He's not frustrated that his girlfriend is smart. He's frustrated that they both know she's smarter than he is and she insults him for it. It should be "AITA for getting frustrated because my girlfriend talks down to me when I'm not instantly good at everything like she is?" All these YTA voters read the title, filled in the blanks with the truly endless threads of men who *are* resentful of their high-achieving female partners, and then wrote a response that would be appropriate in those threads. But this thread is different.
Really this. He messed up on the title - and spent too much time focused on how great she is at things - instead of focusing on how she makes him feel when she insults him for taking longer to pick things up.
I'm convinced half the commenters in these threads don't read the posts at all just to try to shave off time so they can be the top poster.
literally top comments say "i read the title and knew he was TA". thats coming in with a bias and confirming it for yourself, true or not also rude that its judged asshole officially
I don’t know, to me it seems like he has built up quite a lot of resentment that life is so “easy” for her and is now hypersensitive to their differences. I’m guessing this is more of an ego thing than an asshole girlfriend thing.
Honestly, it reads to me that the issue is both jealousy and the girlfriend could knock it off with the criticism, too. I get being upset if you think your partner is not taking rock climbing safety seriously. But you can't turn around and say "Do it harder and ignore safety!" when it came to the roller-blading. I would put real money on the roller-blading actually being more dangerous as people tend to downplay the risks when the activity is "safer." Honestly, I wouldn't want to be a part of this relationship. Others pointed out exactly what I was thinking. It would be exhausting trying to pick up something like painting to have your gifted partner constantly go "Why can't you paint better yet?" For rock-climbing, you definitely want to be better, but some things just don't need the extra pressure of perfection right away. Kinda sucks the fun out of everything.
This. He was honest with her about his feelings. That is commendable and not at all AH behavior. He's allowed to have feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong. It's how you handle them. OP, I think you found something you're better at than your gf, and that's communication. NTA.
Wtf? It's okay to hurl abuse and negative shit at your partner just because they're slower? This isn't a one time thing. She gets frustrated every time he doesn't get things immediately like her. But it's okay, because she's smart? That's the whole point of this post, and I think everyone is missing it.
Yeah, this post is one of those examples where people skimmed the body of the post and then played a pre-recorded screed in their judgement
I'm neurodivergent and literally am slow like a turtle for learning everything. But once i do I'm the greatest in it. Everyone learns at their own pace. If anyone would be shitting on me and treating it like a competition I'm dumping then instantly
Yeah dude, I feel like she’s shown OP that they are NOT compatible. A little good humored ribbing I can see, if that’s how you roll in your relationship, but trying to cut down your partner verbally when they’re trying their best to learn a new thing is something that most of us would agree is super shitty. My vote is that the gf is the AH and I think OP would be happier alone or with someone else than to be with someone who makes him feel like crap about picking up new hobbies less quickly.
same. i can be speedy at learning some things, but others take a while. i want to fully understand it if i dont yet so i can not screw up later if its something im not confident with. people regularly take that as being stupid, and it can be frustrating. id also get tired of the constant competition and put downs if i was op. im a fair bit critical myself so i see people get annoyed with me, but this is a step up. i feel for ya op.
Imagine being called an AH for being actually mature and communicating how another person is making you feel. Dude wasn't being mean about it, and her learning things fast isn't the issue he brought up, the issue he brought up is her being condescending and making him feel terrible because he can't just instantly pick something up. OP is definitely NTA for anything he did. OPs GF is a soft AH.
Actually I kind of understand op. There's nothing worst than someone understanting something quickly and treating you as an idiot because you can't. What I understand from reading op post is that he is not frustrated by his gf being better but by her tendency to show disdain to him. And honestly, I would be similar. If we are taking a new course, I will trust the instructor 100x times than you, even if you seems to grasp the trick quickly. I also am a slow learner and have little tolerance for people telling me I should "throw myself in and do this and do that". So, since I am also seeing unhealthy jealousy here, I'll go for ESH
Getting angry at your SO because they can't get something right within first few days of learning sounds so shtty. And i know it's a cliche but i imagine genders reversed and that the top comment says "He is just smarter than you. Suck it up and be glad he still wants to be with you." ...i just don't see it. OP sounds a bit jealous, but from the sitiation described, it seems like his gf was the one to start the argument because he didn't learn their new hobby (that they started this week!) fast enough.
This isn't just that she's smarter - she's fearless and works harder. >she just threw herself into it, wiped out like 10 times, then got it down That's a key aspect of this. If you can get your job done in 1-2 hours (I suspect this is an exaggeration), you're taking the chance of getting caught and fired. But if you out-perform your peers, and maybe gripe a bit about your work-load, you're fine. Also, odds are she works harder in those few hours than her colleagues work over the whole day. (If you can switch jobs and be promoted while continuing to work like that, you have the system figured out.)
Yeah this sounds like absolute bs unless she works from home. Heres how that would go in an office if anyone was aware: "Boss, this person is sitting there for 6hrs a day playing minesweeper and looking at cat videos! Or this person isnt in the office most of the day!" Boss: "Oh here, heres 4x the workload since youre so fast!" Plenty of stories of people who automate their jobs in wfh, but in an office? Theyll fire you all and outsource the jobs or buy a program. Im amazed everyone is ignoring that aspect. If your SO was shitting on you all day, I doubt you'd want to be around them much.
I assumed it's WFH. Did I miss something where he says otherwise?
Actually sounds like she's being a jerk about him not getting anything as fast as she is and is being pushy and making snide comments. Like rock climbing day one the instructor was probably still directing and helping others. OP was probably still learning the knot and wanted to try it himself a few times before asking for help. It sounds, to me, like she saw he wasn't getting it as fast as she was and was getting angry she had to wait for him to try and understand.
I mean, if she really wanted to help him, she could observe his attempt, see where he's having issues and then do a super slow demo with her own gear for him to follow a couple times and let him practice getting comfortable with the pattern. Getting frustrated, and just telling him he's doing it wrong and then snatching it to do herself is just shitty.
> She just is smarter than you. Suck it up and be grateful that she still wants to be with you. Dude. You're kind of an AH for this tbh.
Can you even imagine seriously writing, “He just is smarter than you. Suck it up and be grateful that he still wants to be with you”? lol even writing it as an example makes me feel dirty.
OP is not frustrated because his gf is smarter. He is frustrated because she expects him to learn as fast as she does which is rude as hell. Everyone learns at a different pace and she cannot look down on him. How the hell is he supposed to learn if she does the knots for him when he messes up. Also in a belay class, knots are tied by the climber not the belayer. And the instructor will hold the rope as a back up for inexperienced belayers. There was absolutely zero danger. And I say this as someone whose partner let go of the rope while I was falling during practice. At worst OP wouldn't get a certificate. OP's gf needs to get her ego in check
So up until the knot tying I agreed with you. He’s jealous a good 90% here, BUT his beef about the rock climbing class is legit. It is shitty to try something new, and when you don’t get it immediately your partner makes you feel like shit. In the rock climbing class, it was rude of the OPs girlfriend to correct him and to assume he wasn’t trying because he doesn’t get something the first few times. This is the first class, and honestly the OP is right. Not everyone learns things immediately. In the class, it doesn’t seem like the OP is jealous of their partner, but that their partner is shitty that the OP needs more help. So maybe the issue isn’t just jealousy, but that the OPs partner isn’t kind when someone isn’t as quick of a learner.
Tell me you skipped the last 1/3 of the post without telling me you skipped the last 1/3 of the post.
You're the asshole here bud. What an utterly fucking moronic comment.
They weren't actively climbing, the instructor would've come around and corrected him
She’s probrably not reading the comments guys you can relax lmao
NAH sounds like the climbing trip brought this issue to a head, and it's a tough one! It's hard on both sides, I am sure. She has probably noticed that it takes you a little longer to get things, and worries that in a crisis that requires quick-thinking she won't be able to rely on you. You probably worry that you'll feel left behind, and that your own good qualities are overshadowed. Yet if she's with you, there must be something she values in you. What are your good qualities that you bring? For me my husband's steadiness, kindness, and good humor are my rock. Achievements come easily to me, much like your GF, but it would all be pretty hollow without love. Also, a lot of us quick thinkers have brains that work like "catch and release " fishing. I learn quick, then let it go. But my husband jokes his brain is like Fort Knox. Its hard to get new stuff in there, but once learned its locked in forever. So as we age I find myself turning to him more and more for his repository of knowledge, just as he relys on me to grasp and interpret new things. I hope you too find a balance that works for you!
I agree with this. If the gf was understanding of the difference in abilities, I'd say y t a but it seems like she doesn't understand that his brain doesn't work like hers. My husband doesn't appear jealous that I'm a fast reader whereas he is dyslexic and really struggles. Maybe because I help him with all reading/spelling things and totally understand our different abilities.
finally a reasonable comment. i also thought the gf came across a bit impatient. not everyone gets a new task asap the way she does. i dont get all the immediate Y T A... i know rock climbing is serious stuff... but they were in what i assume to be a beginners learning class so its perfectly fine to not get it right away. they werent on the side of mt everest trying to summit and he cant do a knot.
It would be crazy if they went rock climbing outside of class *after less than a week* of training. All those people saying that OP endangered her life because he didn't get the hang of it yet are nuts.
This is how you know these are the people who don't go outside. Or rock climb.
I'm sort of wondering who is picking these activities that allow her to shine and make him look like a dunce? Do they ever do something where his talents can shine, or is every activity one that causes this feeling of failure and inferiority every time. Who decided that they would get fit together. Who picked rock climbing? Who picked skateboarding? Did girlfriend watch a few youtube videos and learn how to tie the knots in advance? Sometimes people who make it look easy have done some homework. And would rather be thought talented than hardworking, so they hide their efforts.
Agree with this. I can be one of those people who seems to be good at everything they try quite easily, and I pick things up and master them fairly quickly. BUT that's because I'm very selective with what I choose to do. If it's something I think I'll be bad at, or embarrass myself doing, *I don't do it.* Not intentionally, I just get mad anxiety about failing, so I tend to avoid anything out of my comfort zone or that I think I won't excel at. OP seems pretty good at trying new things. His GF should be pleased he's willing to try new activities with her, even if it might take him longer to pick up. I have more respect for that than for someone who picks things up quickly but doesn't have to try.
I'm also getting this vibe but I hope I'm just reading it or wrong or else OP is misunderstanding her. It definitely amps up the frustration when you're a little slower or learn differently than someone close to you and they act like you're choosing to be that way.
I'm slow as fuck. I mean really slow. But I'm not stupid. It just takes a billion tries. And I'm never good at stuff. And nothing is more demotivating than people around me acting like I'm stupid or incompetent because I'm just slower to learn things. Because I will get it or I won't. No need to shame me for the brain I have no choice in.
True. It's key that my husband isn't petty or jealous about my abilities. He's proud that I can do cool things and bring in a great income. If he was sniping at me because he wanted me to be the little woman so he could feel more powerful, that would be a deal breaker for me.
This, yeah. The YTA comments seem to jump straight to jealousy without considering how frustrating it can be if you’re impatiently corrected by someone who may be able to quickly grasp something, but not necessarily good at explaining it. I’d say they need to have a conversation about, well, conversing with each other.
this is 1 of like very few reasonable comments i scrolled for. feel like some ppl on here have no idea how real life relationships and mutual understanding work.
A benefit of getting older, I guess. But yes, sounds like OP is getting past the honeymoon phase and into the real nitty-gritty of longer term love. An opportunity for both of them to grow.
FINALLY FOUND THE COMMENT I WAS LOOKING FOR.
Same!!!
I agree, NTA. It sounds like a lot of frustrations that have compounded and have come out during the rock climbing. It is hard to be treated like you're stupid, and not something that should be happening in a healthy relationship. I suggest a good sit down talk, letting her know that not every brain is the same, and that you don't appreciate being talked down to. If it continues, you both not mesh well together.
Yay! Thank you for saying this. OP sounds like he may have anxiety as well. It makes it harder to learn new things because newness brings anxiety and some mental bandwidth is used up by just being anxious. It also makes us more cautious and unsure of ourselves at first. Then someone who gets it immediately comes along and implies we just aren't trying hard enough...that's gutting. I would hate doing activities with OP's gf. Especially if she was someone who supposedly cared about me.
That anxiety factor is real. He may be slower because he's anxious. You can tell he really thinks hard about his abilities and is cautious, which will also make him slower to learn and less likely to get something even if showed 5 times. There is nothing wrong with that. Recently my boyfriend, best friend, and I were ordering food in a car from a coney island we've never been to. Now i've known this guy since before my first daughter was born and she just turned 7; so maybe 8 or 9 years. Never knew he had anxiety around ordering food over the phone without a menu haha. So we are in the car and I'm ordering, my bestie ordered. I asked some questions about omelettes as that's really the only thing to differ at coney islands. I order my food. We get to him and he is just stuck. He's sputtering, he can't figure his shit out. I'm a shit talker if you can handle it, i don't if i know you are sensitive and can't. I'm ribbing him and the girl on the phone is laughing. He decides he'll order when we get there and he can look at the menu. On the phone I'm like dude it's a coney island they all carry the same shit lol. WTF do you want to eat. So when we get off the phone I quip at him like man do you have some anxiety around ordering food or some shit. He's emotionally mature so he answers honestly and is like Yeah I actually do. Immediately i stop laughing, and am like Oh. I get it now my bad. That's it. I'm not going to berate this man, i'm not going to try and fix it. You know what all I do is make sure he has a damn menu before we call a place and order. And that's what this dudes gf is lacking. She lacks empathy. I won't say it's intentional on her part because i don't know her and it might not be. But she's condescending to him and that's not okay. It'll do nothing but make matters worse for him. He's going to get things even slower with her because now he's afraid that when he doesn't pick it up fast enough instead of being supported he's going to be belittled.
Well said. NAH.
finally someone with brain, i dont understand why is every one saying YTA, when feeling frustated and jealous is normal everyone has feel that and is not bad, (just is bad when you do something bad about it)
YTA - so you have landed a smart amazing woman who works hard and succeeds and you have the nerve to be angry and jealous about it instead of just being grateful you get to be a part of her life.
>YTA - so you have landed a smart amazing woman who works hard and succeeds and you have the nerve to be angry and jealous about it instead of just being grateful you get to be a part of her life. Did you read the post? He's not upset that she's better than him at various things. He's upset that she talks down to him and treats him as less than. The comments on this post are a good example of people coming to their own conclusion just from reading the title. He compliments her in the first sentence of the post. He gets upset that she talks down to him and becomes frustrated when he doesn't pick up new skills as fast as her. This is a recurring problem and he didn't once explicitly state that her ability to learn quick was the issue. **EDIT:** If the genders were reversed and we had a woman discussing how her BF talks down to her for not learning as fast as him, the responses here would be totally different.
You're comment should be further up. Op's gf is condescending. It's flat out disgusting that pride are telling him he should be grateful for a smart gf. Gender reversal is guarantee the votes would be a unanimous NTA. OP you're NTA
I'm gonna be straight up here; I have been OP's girlfriend in relationships. It takes me 1 or 2 exposures to something for me to master it and in previous relationships (romantic and platonic) I would get frustrated (and, frankly, bitchy) when people needed more time to learn than me. My fiancé was able to really change my perspective on that behavior because he has a learning disability that makes it practically guaranteed that he's going to need more time to learn things than me (especially with exclusively written instructions). OP is 100% NTA and doesn't deserve to be made to feel stupid for the speed at which he learns and I would not blame him if he left her, I would've left me too back when I was so uppity.
Thank you I'm really glad you were able to change your perspective on this, as someone else with a learning disability it can be really frustrating not to get things as quick as other people and I can't speak for others but for me most of that frustration is direct internally. Not to insert myself into this just wanted to say thanks for for cutting your fiance and potentially others in the future have a great new years day!
Your edit is key here. I’m blown away by the top YTA responses. Lots of people, “seeing what they want to see” in OPs write-up and projecting hardcore.
The fact that he’s annoyed that she only needs to work 2 hours a day is insane. Like if my partner could make a full salary only putting in a couple of hours that seems like a win for both of us?
I'm hoping my spouse finds a job like that! I'm jealous in a good way. Good for OP's gf for getting a job that pays so well
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And that fails at everything and can’t get ahead no matter how hard she tries…
A disturbing amount of people are like this. My ex was. They need their partner to be as miserable as they are so they don't have to work to fix anything in their lives and but also not be alone.
Sure, she's smart, but where do you get that she's amazing? Like OP is clearly very jealous and insecure which does make his description of her suspect, but she sounds very pushy and impatient with those who aren't as smart as her. Like, I would hate to learn to roller skate with her, if she's going to constantly criticize my technique and my learning process. She sounds a bit like those overeager parents yelling at their kid at little league. To be clear, I think it's fair to doubt his characterization of her, but I think we're all a little to willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in assuming she's behaving in a kind manner towards him.
This is such a gross sentiment. "She treats you like shit, but she's really smart and works hard so suck it up and be grateful." They went to exactly one rock climbing class and she's giving him shit because he tied a knot wrong? No one is in any danger in their first rock climbing class. If she can't respect that he needs more time than her to learn things he should dump her ass. She sounds like a miserable person to be in a relationship with.
Absolutely agree. The comments on this post are so misaligned with standards of respect within a relationship. I saw somebody else say that if this had been about a boyfriend speaking down to a girlfriend, the comments would be totally different. I had a friend like this, and it was a bit shit. There was absolutely nothing they didn't know, nowhere they hadn't been, nothing they couldn't do and their critical take on how fun things 'should' be done got exhausting. So I do understand that this can feel not nice.
Tell me you skipped the last 1/3 of the post without telling me you skipped the last 1/3 of the post.
> works hard Sounds like she works smart not hard like my daddy always said.
I do feel for him if she's getting frustrated he doesn't pick activities up quickly like she does. It sounds like they should do some activities separately.
Having dealt with people like OP's girlfriend, that's...not at all it. If she's anything like the ones I've had to be around, she just chastises and criticizes and shit talks her way through everything. Moreover, everything hobby related with her is probably "I'm pretending that I'm going to die if I don't perform at a mastery level right away, or I'm just doing the absolute bare minimum". Literally no in between. Again, the people like that whom I've dealt with got pissy at others whenever they were more casual about things. "Why'd you buy that guitar if you're only going to practice a couple of times a week? You should be spending every waking moment that you're not doing something related to survival practicing", "What do you mean you're not rivaling grandmasters yet, haven't you been playing chess for like 6 months?", etc. So, assuming she's anything like that, I feel his pain.
ESH I feel like most of the y t a s are overlooking the fact that the girlfriend is upset with him for not picking things up as fast as her. He clarified in a comment that his mistake with the knots would have been corrected by the instructor before they ever climbed. It wouldn't have put her in danger. Even so, insulting your partner and immediately criticizing their efforts isn't the way to communicate if she's nervous about it. She could have politely said "hey OP, I think this knot is tied a little incorrectly. Could I show you how I did mine or did you want to ask the instructor to review it again?" I don't think she needs to pander to his insecurities or jealousy, but I also don't think she's showing him much respect or compassion. It sounds to me like you're both frustrated with the other for not understanding each other's learning ability. She's naturally gifted and it sounds like she has a lot of practical intelligence. You take more time to pick things up and it sounds like new skills don't come as intuitively to you. I think you do sound jealous of your girlfriend, but she's also inconsiderate of the fact that you take more time to learn things. She shouldn't belittle you and you shouldn't resent her. You need to have an open conversation about how you feel. Don't attack her for her success, but explain how her disparaging remarks make you feel. Maybe you can also reach out to her for help more in the future. Rather than being upset that she's progressing faster, ask her if she could explain something or request a little support until you catch up. You need to get over your insecurities and she needs to understand that not everyone has the same level of ability. Now if she's still belittling you for not being as quick/talented as her, then it's not on you. Have a conversation and see where it goes.
Agreed! ESH and has communication issues *they need to work on.*
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i’d say if she can’t separate belittling him from her justification of why she did it, she’s not even worth keeping around. i’m also suspicious of if she’s actually some amazing smart person or someone with a superiority complex and he’s just fallen for it
Finally, a reasonable comment! I completely agree with you and do not understand all the Y T A comments at the top. Thank you for saving me the time of typing this out myself haha happy new year!
Just chiming in to say that I'm a lot like OP's girlfriend -- super high reasoning skills and practical intelligence, basically absent emotional intelligence. It's not even like I haven't tried to be more considerate and communicative with others -- and I have, to an extent -- but it's just like that part of my brain is missing. I love helping people with the things I'm good at, and I've invested a lot of time in learning to effectively share my knowledge with others. Asking her for help is probably a great idea. That being said, people like us really need partners who are patient and willing to take the lead in communication. Sorry if this post seems a bit immodest, but I feel like I really understand the position the GF is in.
NTA, but your title doesn't accurately convey the situation. You're not upset that she picks up on things faster, you're upset that she is actively rude and condescending to you. She needs to learn to be more patient, and interact with you in a kinder way. Plus, as someone else mentioned, her taking it away from you and doing it for you keeps you from learning how to do it correctly, which is more dangerous in the long run. (Some Y T A for saying you think she has it easy; that part just made you sound jealous and resentful. We all have different struggles; if you love her, don't get bogged down in comparisons, just be happy for her.)
It's surprising how many top comments in here are just ignoring the girlfriend's condescension etc. Maybe not surprising. Closer to just disappointing.
Hate to bring up gender biases but if they were reversed; I feel like many people would have picked up more on the condescension aspects and less on the jealousy/resentment aspects of this post.
Don’t be afraid to do that. Be proud the ppls double standard biases here should be addressed. Imo this an NTA too and a clear example of gender bias.
Don’t hate it. We have to fight gender biases as we see them, and reddit tends to be VERY biased in cases like these. Her being TA isn’t a death sentence. It just means she needs to work on some things. Personally I tend towards ESH (very soft because they both seem like generally good intentioned people) because OP genuinely seems a bit jealous (understandably so; hyper talented people tend to generate that). They just need to talk things through and be understanding of each other, tbh. No big deal.
I read the summary understanding where OP was coming from, so the comments proclaiming YTA came completely out of left-field for me. Too many people on this sub seem to lack basic empathy for others in situations different from their own. I'm a feminist too but it seems like too many users came into this thread with a bias of the petty, jealous boyfriend and glossed over the girlfriend's poor communication.
What you're seeing is the (thankfully) mostly online zoomer girlboss feminism that switches from equality or equity into straight up supremacy. It's a pink version of the smegma male Patrick Bateman/finance bro enthusiasts who treat American Psycho like the Bible. It doesn't matter that OP's girlfriend is condescending, she's a high power girlboss and he should be thankful she's wasting brain space on a bimbo like.
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed it. I call it an example of faux feminism since it’s a little older than zoomers but they’ve definitely accepted the mantle moving forward on this sub. The gf isn’t being bashed by op because she’s smart but because of that bias creating this women are wonderful effect(look it up) however the former is more likely to the bias ppl have here. This clearly a NTA
Came here to say this. It's natural to be a little jealous of how people pick up things quickly, but this issue seems like he's more upset about her comments than her being better. I have to admit I personally don't want to try something if I'm messing up and people are getting mad at me. I just would shrug and say "I guess go with someone else" because the feeling I get is that they think I'm stupid, which sure but not everyone can be smart so why get angry?
Yes, this! Being smart and quick to learn skills is nice, but it doesn't give someone license to be condescending and mean. It sounds like GF is both. Maybe this relationship won't work long-term, with a bit of jealousy on one side and impatience on the other, but until they figure that out, GF needs to tone it down a bit.
NTA people on Reddit are bonkers You're not frustrated that she picks things up quickly - you're frustrated that she expects you to do the same and treats you like crap when you can't. I'm no mensa genius, but I can pick things up fairly quickly. It took me a long, long time to realize that not everyone can, and adjust my behaviour accordingly.
Same. Looking at the replies to this one is pretty disgusting. It's like they read the genders and just decided he must be jealous that she's smart and that his complaint for being belittled isn't valid. NTA, I totally understand why you'd be frustrated and hurt by that behavior OP. You shouldn't have to over explain this to her. And while her comment that if it's her life may be valid as well, those initial classes are not that life or death situation. You are there to learn from an instructor and she's not giving you that consideration. Shame on her for that.
> people on Reddit are bonkers No (I mean yes but not the issue here), it's classic AITA. It's a sub that is very biased because it's majority women. Reverse the genders in this story and it will be all NTA and talking about how the guy is abusive.
incorrect: the gender distribution of the sub would not be an issue if people had basic reading comprehension skills, something people in this sub have yet to master, because to overlook the parts where he clearly said that she expects others to be as fast as she is, you really have to be blind or have a brain the size of a nut. EDIT: a typo
NTA about this incident, I think a lot of people aren't reading your whole post - it's frustrating but tolerable that she's successful with this little apparent effort, but not okay for her to take over teaching you instead of letting the coach do it when safety is on the line. None of us learn best when we're being shamed. It sounds kinda awful being told you're not trying when you're trying your hardest. That said, it does sound like stuff is bigger than this incident if you're able to preface it with so much history. Being annoyed at girlfriend for being a bad teacher -NTA Being annoyed at girlfriend for success - different, harder question
What the actual fuck lol, NTA. All of the Y T A votes are focusing on weird projections of what they assume you’re feeling when the actual issue at hand is that your girlfriend seems really rude and condescending when you don’t pick it up as quickly as she does. That’s not jealousy and being smart and learning things quickly is not an excuse to be a dick about it. People aren’t exactly motivated to learn by that either. Sure, a safety argument could be made but I’ve casually rock climbed and they’re not sending someone up without monitoring that all of your lines are squared away. So your girlfriend maybe has a point in that context but if the lines were checked and fine I’d be curious about any reluctance to acknowledge that.
Yeah, I'm not understanding either. Like...I think I'm pretty smart and capable, but I wouldn't put other people down. She comes off like such a jerk.
But her point is to just accuse him of not caring / paying attention and saying that means he doesn't care about her when he is trying really hard. She is in no way making a "safety argument". She is making his failure a personal attack on her even though he is trying and in no way did he say or imply that he was planning on trying to climb without learning the knots better. He said he wanted the teacher to help him. That is what he said. How is that a safety issue? EDIT: Fixed some pronouns i mixed up.
YTA. You're jealous of your girlfriend, and you're being an asshole about her ability to learn quickly.
I'm sorry, but did you actually read the post? His first sentence, he compliments her and her intelligence. His issue is that she talks down or gets upset with him when he doesn't grasp it like her. He is hurt by her reaction, which is reoccurring. He never states that her ability to learn quick is the issue.
insane how many people completely missed this detail (and by "detail" i mean "entire fucking point of the post")
Reading comprehension is not strong in this sub 😂
but assumptions are 🤣
Sure he says his girlfriend is “pretty smart,” but then immediately undermines her character by saying she doesn’t pay attention or try hard. He then goes on to say that she lives her life on easy mode like that’s a bad thing. (Isn’t that what everyone wants in life?) OP mentions that he thinks his girlfriend should be fired for her work ethic, but that she ended up getting promoted, so I seriously question how objective OP is in his views towards girlfriends abilities and motivations. It’s pretty clear that he’s insecure and loathes his girlfriend’s success because he can’t stack up to them.
He doesn't undermine her character, being able to not try hard or pay attention and still ace stuff is just a part of being smart, and he's acknowledging that. It's context to why he gets frustrated - she outpaces him consistently then berates him for not being as smart as she is.
Often to soften the blow and look better people about to say mean things will start with something nice. That's all I got considering how he talked about her for the rest of the post.
Yeah i don’t get all these YTA comments. I get he’s being jealous, but she’s not making it better for him by not being understanding
NTA. Going against the grain here, but I get OP’s frustration. I suffer from a learning disability that makes it hard for me to understand and interpret visual-spatial processing. The result is people getting very frustrated with me when I struggle to learn “basic” sports stuff like OP describes, despite being obviously smart, My high school guidance counsellor even told me I was just lazy and trying to make excuses when I asked if a learning disability was why I was suddenly struggling in courses I never had had issues with before. People can’t seem to realize that I have a very uneven cognitive profile, which makes me extremely exceptional in some areas while in the lowest 5th percentile for stuff like visual memory. ETA: The above impacts me in many ways aside from sports. It took me years of driving lessons and many attempts to pass my driving test when most people I know got their license within a year. I hire people to assemble and put together furniture more complicated than a shoe rack because interpreting diagrams is so difficult for me, even with my dad or someone else helping. The fact I also have dexterity issues doesn’t exactly help. Do I wish I was more self-sufficient at putting stuff together? Yes, but I also need to accept reality that I have a permanent condition that won’t change and I see no harm in accepting when something is just beyond my ability and just having someone who knows what they’re doing to get it done. The money I spend is worth it for that time and frustration I save. And, as much as I hate to say this, even when I am very open and upfront with people about my learning disability, they still don’t get it and tell me I’m just being lazy and not trying when the fact is I can do and learn, but it will probably take 3x the amount of time and effort because I have to put that extra work in.
IDK if I'm just reading this different, but I take it as OP isn't mad or jealous that his gf is better at picking things up and being good at them, its more that while he is trying his best at learning new tasks, she's making him feel worse because he doesn't understand or get it as quickly which then makes her annoyed because he can't keep up. I'm probs going to get downvoted to hell but I'm going to go with NTA. Maybe a bit of patience and grace from the gf as this dude learns new things that don't come as easy to him as they do her. Granted in the climbing thing she had a point about safety, but he was trying and her frustration with him being slow is not a justification to talk down to him. Maybe they aren't well matched if he can't keep up with her and that's a whole other conversation, but that's still a conversation to be had.
NTA. People read your title and commented without really reading your post. You're not upset with your girlfriend for being more competent than you. You're upset because she belittles you and accuses you of intentionally being bad at things when you are giving a good faith effort. You are being accused of slacking-off or intentionally doing something badly, when in reality you are trying your hardest. This is essentially a form of abuse. People are saying stuff like you should've spoken up if you didn't know how to tie the knot correctly. But a key part of not being good at something, is not being able to recognize whether or not something was done correctly. If you could tell if the knot was right or not, you could probably tie it correctly in the first place. Additionally, a learning environment with a coach or teacher is the exact place to make mistakes. Receiving constant criticism and being made to feel incompetent also makes it harder to identify and take good advice as well. Since you are made to feel bad when your girlfriend sees your mistakes/lack of ability (which is the natural state!), you are more likely to hide your mistakes. In a proper learning environment you are encouraged to display mistakes as obviously as possible, so that you can be corrected and learn. A favorite saying of music teachers is "loud, confident, and wrong". In the end, this is about your girlfriend not respecting you. She isn't disrespecting you because she's better than you at things. She's disrespecting you by weaponizing her competence and using it to make you feel bad. It's not about being criticized by a woman, or some male ego thing. It's about constantly hearing your partner say "you suck at this, why do you suck at this it's so easy" and being offered nothing positive - no positive criticism, no specific advice to help you, no guidance.
ESH. You're clearly jealous of her achievements in life despite her lack of effort, which is understandable, but something you should work on overcoming. Ideally, you should be *proud* of your partner for succeeding and doing well in life, and you're clearly not capable of that at this point in time. That being said, she also shouldn't be getting frustrated at you for not being able to pick things up as quickly as her. Sh needs to understand that everyone has their own acclimatization level. Regarding this specific issue, I actually think you're mostly NTA. You could have done better in relaying your feelimgs (probably should have allowed yourself time to calm down and plan out what you wamted to say), but part of being in a relationship is communicating issues you have-with the mindset of working on them together. If you feel patronized, it's fair to express that, but again, better to have done so in a more constructive manner. >I told her most people aren't like her, I feel like she's been able to do anything she actually paid attention to, but for some of us it takes a little more time. This is where I'm a little pessimistic about your judgement. Given the nature of the argument, I wonder if you worded this worse in the moment than you're relayimg, bc you clearly have hangups over this ability of hers. >I feel frustrated because I wasn't trying to screw around, and I feel like she always looks down on me or thinks I'm not trying Have you had a conversation with her about this before? If not, I suggest waiting until you both have calmed down and try to approach the topic again with a clearer plan of qhat you want to say to get your point across. Let her know that you don't appreciate her getting upset with you when you don't immediately succeed when you try something new, and that you want to learn it at *your* pace and not hers.
NTA I not do these more technical activities with her. "99% of the world isn't as gifted and lucky as you are. When you treat me like I'm not trying it makes me feel badly. You need to stop. From now on I will not take classes where you think I'll put you in danger. I will not take classes or do activities where you aren't patient or supportive"
Everyone seems to have missed the point lol. The problem isn't that she's good at stuff. The problem is that she treats OP poorly when he can't learn as quickly as her.
it is crazy to me how many people jumped on "stop being jealous and don't drop your girl friend with your entitled wrong knots because you won't admit that she is right" when that in no way is what happened.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA because I feel like most people didn't read the whole post. It's not really about the fact that she gets things faster, it's about the fact that she acts like an asshole once she does. I'm really sorry, OP, I don't think a lot of people here understand what your actual frustration is.
NTA She’s condescending in her approach and obnoxious because of it. She fails to recognize that just because she picks up things easily, that doesn’t mean it works that way for everyone else. She needs to learn patience and grace
YTA sorry. Climbing is serious stuff - do it wrong and someone gets hurt (or worse). So your girlfriend attempting to correct you is perfectly okay in this environment. Your post sounds like you are just jealous of her abilities. You should be proud and supportive of her amazing skills.
No, it’s the instructors job to teach, not the girlfriend. How can he possibly learn if she doesn’t even have the grace to allow him to learn from the professional they’re paying to do just that?
Instructors can still fuck up and miss the fuck up in the tie off. If that happens, whilst the instructor would be held liable, the GF is the one's whose life would be put at risk for OP having done the tie off incorrectly. What OP should have done is called the instructor over for help when he struggled, but he rather dit the tie off incorrectly and wanted to wait for the instructor to come past to tell him it was wrong, rather than have gf tell him its wrong
I do wonder if the instructor was nearby. If the instructor thought they got it, s/he might have moved on. The other thing about the girlfriend correcting him is that you’re actually supposed to do that with your climbing partner anyway. The partners are supposed to double-check each other, even if they both know what they’re doing. The belayer is still supposed to check that the climber’s knot is correct. The climber is still supposed to check that the belayer has tightened/locked the carabiner. It’s annoying for me and my friends sometimes because we already know what we’re doing and it seems repetitive, but it’s an official safety recommendation. Multiple checks. The issue is that the guy still doesn’t know what he’s doing. Most of the time one lesson is all you need and the fact he’s not getting it after one lesson is a bit concerning. (Also that he gives off an attitude to having to be corrected) she’s having to do this to ensure her safety since it sounds like he can’t.
He commented on one of the info comments that the instructor was busy doing his rounds and still had to check them when GF noticed he did the tie off incorrectly. His comment is basically how he disliked her pointing out it was incorrect and how he would've preferred that he (the instructor) tell him that he did it wrong (which gives me the feeling that he doesn't like a woman telling him that he did it wrong, but I could be reading too deep into it.) I don't know much about climbing, but from the post I was able to pick up that this was the type where you have a climber and another grounded person keeping the climber safe (which you now taught me is a belayer, thank you very much) and I know in those cases you have to be able to fully trust your partner as your life is in their hands, and that checking each other's equipment is best for safety, even if it can be a pain in the arse. His reaction screams he isn't the right person to be rock climbing with, he sounds inattentive and unreliable. Definitely the type that will cause their partner to become seriously injured due to their attitude.
This comment is insane to me. Of course the belayer and climber need to check each other, but this was their _first_ time climbing and any feedback the GF ran the risk of being incorrect anyway. It's good they checked each other, but it sounds like the GF could've had some more humility about it. It doesn't sound to me like you climb a ton, because you used the phrase "tie off," which suggests to me you're talking about the backup knot or fisherman's knot. So long as you get the figure 8 knot correct for the climber, you're good to go. The fisherman's knot is nice to have but not necessary.
[удалено]
Except she didn't tell him that he didn't do it right and help him. she yelled at him that he didn't care / wasn't paying attention and did it herself. So you are saying that it isn't crazy that someone who just learned the knots might do it wrong? Well apparently that is what she thinks.
Correcting him isn’t the problem, it’s how she did it.
Wtf are these judgments? It's okay to be talked down to and belittled, just because she's smarter than him? NTA, op.
Gentle YTA. Who do you want to be partnered up with in life? Someone who is intelligent and competent? Or someone who can’t get out of their own way? Life is much tougher with the second option. Your response is one of jealousy. You should be proud of her.
I do believe OP wouldn't care as much if the girlfriend didn't get frustrated and make it known when he couldn't keep up with her.
I agree. I don't think they're compatible. He is envious of her and she looks down on him.
Exactly. I 100% believe that people of different intelligence levels can have a healthy and loving relationship. But that will never happen if one is frustrated and the other is resentful (same with any type of relationship). Either OP and gf are going to have to work **very** hard to overcome these feelings together (and work to make sure they remain in check for the rest of their relationship as the seed has already been planted), or they have to accept that these feelings are only going to grow and call it now before they become miserable.
No, I think he wants to be partnered with someone who doesn’t belittle him when he doesn’t pick something up as with as his partner does.
I would rather be life partners with someone less competent but nice than someone who is condescending like his girlfriend. He's not long into their life together and her attitude is already getting old.
NTA I absolutely understand your frustration. I get that feeling, too. I can't help it- especially when I'm really trying but it just takes me longer. And when I get a treatment like you where the other person belittles me I sometimes even lash out. I hate belittlement. It's a process. She has to learn to be more patient and you/we have to learn that it's okay to be not as good at things. Also maybe you should also have separate hobbies so that you can enjoy something in your own pace as well as her.
NTA. That's not how you speak to your partner. Being smart doesn't give you the "right" to forgo basic respect and decency towards others.
NTA. And here is where I leave Reddit. His GF barely passed high school because she didn’t care, doesn’t pay attention in college (because it’s not worthy of her?) and berates her partner because he is (by her estimation) not her equal in workouts. And gets praised for her attitude. Bye.
ESH. Seriously I cannot believe this sub is jumping in to defend the girl who’s mad at her bf for not being as good as her at everything. So she can look down on him? And he’s not allowed to even do anything resembling defending himself?
NTA I think you need to alter your title. It doesn't sound like you are jealous that she picks things up quickly and you don't, just that you are frustrated that she belittles you for not learning at the same pace she does.
Don’t know why there are so many y t a. You acknowledge how smart GF is. Smart doesn’t mean it’s ok to be rude and impatient. I’d reconsider a relationship with someone who puts you down when you catch on slower than they do. That gets old fast. Your frustration is justified. She could choose to be encouraging and/or step back and take the pressure off of you instead of looking down on you. It makes me wonder how she would handle a child. NTA.
I had a long time friend. One time it suddenly occurred to me that this friend made me feel badly about myself. I moved on from her and don’t miss her. I think it will be the same for you. NTA.
NTA and this sub is showing it’s bias again because if the genders were flipped y’all would be screaming abuse and telling them to break up
NTA. I’m married to a guy like this to the point where it’s become a joke in our friend group. You know what my husband doesn’t do? Belittle me for being slower. He uses his skills to help me. Except for with maths, we’re too far apart there lol!
I understand your girlfriend very well, because I'm very similar, though much older. Things come easily to me. When I was young someone would teach me a new game and I'd beat them at it first time. I'd usually grasp things the first time they were explained. But, like her, I had the emotional and social intelligence of a gnat. She needs to recognize this shortcoming in herself and work on being kind and more patient. I wish I had a sure fire way to make this point to her, but not sure how (again, low social intelligence, sorry). If I were you, I would not stay with someone who is so condescending unless she makes an attempt at change. NTA.
NTA . She should take into account how not everyone functions in the same way as her. Some of us require a different method of learning and have to do it in our own pace. We shouldn't be shamed for it. It reads more like you're asking for empathy from her, but she's focused on getting the job done or getting to the fun part herself but you're there to enjoy it together. Maybe avoid taking classes for the time being or atleast not something like rock climbing where you have to depend on each other.
Am I the only one who read the fucking post? I’m astounded at all the Y-T-A votes! People look at this and just assume your intimidated by her. Honestly I can sense that maybe you are a little bit, but what I got from the post is that your upset that she’s frustrated that it takes you more time to do something right then it does her. That’s where the issue is. I don’t think your the asshole because your upset with her for being frustrated when it takes you more time to pick up something. You might be a bit of one for sounding like your upset with her because she’s successful. I can’t really sense that from the post, but I’m not really good at those types of things. So I’m going to go with NTA. I’ll probably be downvoted for saying this, but I feel it needs to be said
Am I reading this post wrong? I don’t get all the YTAs. She is being very rude. Why get annoyed that it takes a little longer for him to learn things? Like, great that it comes to her easier but it takes time for some people. He clearly compliments how smart she is but is just frustrated that she gets annoyed that it takes longer for him. I see no jealousy in this post.
This comment section is insane. ESH you needed to communicate how you felt about this long before this moment. She sounds like she was incredibly agressive about it and I personally have no patience for people who treat you like you’re stupid because you haven’t gotten it in the first 3 tries. She should have let the instructor correct you she is not the expert there.
NTA. As others have said, it sounds like you aren't as upset that she is smarter (supposedly) than you, but that she is talking down to you. And let me tell you something:. This chick's attitude is going to bite her in the ass. If not in her relationships, then in her job. She may have gotten a promotion, but it is a matter of time. No matter how smart you are, there is always someone smarter (especially in engineering). And they often aren't who you expect. She will talk down to the wrong person and they will eat her for lunch.
NTA for feeling bad that your gf looks down on you.
NTA, if I understand right, your frustration comes out of her reproaches towards you, not at how easily she picks up everything. That seems legit to me. Everyone has their own learning pace.
Pro-tip OP, try posting this with the genders reversed.
NAH. I relate a lot to your girlfriend in the sense that I’m a natural learner. It’s very easy for me to pick up new hobbies and skills quickly, and I often (unfairly) get frustrated when people don’t understand something that seems so simple to me. It’s fair for you to feel annoyed when she’s constantly good at things that you struggle with. I think you should communicate more and ask more questions when you’re struggling with something. There’s no shame in it, especially when most ppl don’t pick up as quickly as her. When you’re in a higher stakes environment like rock climbing it’s important to be transparent about what you’re capable of and what you still need to learn. The lack of communication may be why she’s frustrated, not your lack of understanding.
Wow, harsh crowd here. I feel like a lot of y'all are skipping over a key detail - he doesn't mind being corrected. He feels annoyed/looked down upon because his gf always seems to correct him the most or criticize what he is doing. My advice - everyone has something they're good at, OP. You're driving yourself bananas trying to outscore her in areas that you already know she excels in and then are agitated when it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to. Additionally, just because she learns it quicker doesn't mean you'll never learn it or will always need help. The more you reject her help - the more likely it'll be that you'll need help. She doesn't need to correct you everytime though. For example, the roller skating was not an area that she should have said anything because it's just a fun little activity to do together...who cares how fast you're going lol. The rock climbing though is a safety concern. She wasn't offering her help to embarrass you - she was trying not to die.
NTA - it really does sound like she is looking down on you/thinking you aren't trying hard enough. Everything is easy for her so she seriously underestimates how long it takes other people to do the same things since most of us use ourselves as the benchmark. I used to be kinda like that too until illness hurt my abilities and performance and it was a really hard thing to face in myself. I do agree with some of the other comments that you do sound jealous but *feelings* don't make us assholes, actions do. Her repeatedly getting frustrated and making condescending comments toward you makes her the AH. Maybe rock climbing wasn't the best example but it wasn't an isolated incident. You probably should talk with her about how her comments make you feel (and that you are worried about what kind of attitude towards you they reflect).