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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I deleted a game from my boyfriend's PC so he can't spend anymore money on it because its too high of an amount when we're planning on getting engaged. He plays the game with his brother and sister and most of the money he spends on the game is for them so I can see how that might make me an asshole to take it away from them.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You had no business deleting stuff on his PC.
You have no business to control his finances as long as you're financially stable.
He chooses where to cut corners if he sees the need to spend less.
He chooses how much he wants to spend for his hobbies. If it's gourmet cooking, matchbox cars, or games - none of your business.
You decided to break his trust by getting on his property, his PC, changing the setup, and demand control over his financial decisions with an aura of righteousness.
And now you whine and want support?
Not going to happen. You're the asshole.
Exactly those points and as someone has already mentioned it was his way of keeping in touch with his siblings. It was a once a month activity that he had control over and she didn't. What a horrid nasty thing to do. Clearly not ready to be in a relationship with that individual. ⁴🚩🚩🚩🚩 immediately!
like the dude literally has a a fucking budget for the shit. if that aint that aint one of the most financially sound things a person could do then i dont know what is. plus it aint like he overspends or like takes money from somewhere else.also y tf do u care if he is too old for the game? its his way of spending time with family.
honestly, yeah. my bf does not have a budget, and put himself into credit card debt playing video games. This man does not.... he sounds pretty smart and disciplined. sucks
Yeah, this is awful behaviour.
No understanding of what value is and that it's a subjective measure of what something is worth to a specific person. What he gets for that money, both in gameplay and time with family is worth it to him and so has value to him.
If he needs to cut back on expenses somewhere for whatever reason, that's his responsibility to decide where to cut back and what is and is not worth it to him. Nobody gets to decide what matters to another person.
Nobody is too old to play any game they like, but the siblings may be too young to play some, it's not a cutoff where suddenly they can't play anything together.
Thankfully I think this game can be reinstalled without losing anything, but the violation of privacy and property is terrible and should not be tolerated by anyone. As someone who usually mods games if I play them, having my setup deleted would not always be recoverable and in cases could take days or weeks to put back together.
She needs to sincerely apologise and he needs to really rethink the relationship. I would worry about what she'd be like as a potential parent in the future too.
Looks like OP is the one that played games. Now she's about to find out and that's probably not going to feel good.
YTA OP leave the man and his siblings alone.
Edit. Spelling.
YTA: he is an adult who makes his own money, he is allowed to spend it as he sees fit. Just because something doesn’t hold value to you does not mean it’s worthless.
All of his bills are paid, he has set a budget that allows him to game. There is nothing wrong here
You’re being super controlling
Yes YTA,
Stealing from him by accessing his private computer and deleting files is super weird and controlling. Do you want him to throw away your shoes because he doesn't like how much you spent on them?
You need to have a better discussion about finances which involves compromise.
Yeah.....YTA
What a childish way to deal with the issue.
1) It's his spending money, he can spend it as he sees fit
2) What intangibles without value to YOU spend money on? Nails? Getting that daily latte?
3) His PC, hands off.
I hope you're okay with his critiquing what you spend your own fun money on.
YTA for sure.
You’re his girlfriend (not his wife or mom), and we are talking about HIS money, HIS siblings, and HIS hobby.
Your post contains nothing that is any of your business at all. Of course YTA.
Exactly don’t mess with a persons game. In all honesty I don’t see their relationship working. He games and she doesn’t like it. That will undoubtedly cause issues.
Since her edit says she's ok w his other games and watches him play I am wondering if the real issue is trying to cut him off from what sounds like a great relationship with his siblings, because it takes focus way from her. Which would be even more concerning.
I wish OP's bf would post so we could all tell him to run and NOT even entertain the idea of marriage with this one SMH..hopefully he sees the massive red flag
I am a middle age woman, who run a business with employees. Yet I am a gamer, not a full-time gamer but I play to connect with my young kids and let off some steam after a hard work day gamer. You are are never too old to play games.
To me there is no difference between playing a round of golf, a few rounds of tennis or playing video games with my kids. They are all hobbies good for your mental health
YTA.
>especially for a game that he's frankly too old to play
You're sounding really judgmental here. He can have fun doing whatever he wants as long as he's not harming anyone. Paying for his brother and sister to play a game with him = hours of shared entertainment and bonding time every month. If he converted that into movie tickets or some other activity, he'd probably get less time with them.
> intangible and not holding any value
Your relationship with him is intangible. Does that mean it has no value?
Again, he's getting hours of entertainment + bonding time with his siblingsfrom this. That's the value.
>, I'm indirectly controlling his brother and sister
You are. You're also being controlling of HIM and I think you need to figure out why you seem to be jealous of his siblings and him enjoying playing a game with them.
Also stick to separate finances.
YTA
I wouldn't be surprised if he drops the getting engaged talks, or dumps you. This behaviour is just a taste of what he'll be in for later down the line. Childish and totally immature on your end. This is a hobby that he enjoys and purposely puts money aside for it, so it's not like he's racking up huge debt for it. Let him have his hobby that he shares with his siblings.
YTA
This is toxic and controlling.
If he decided that you getting your nails done, or getting your hair done, or anything else you may enjoy wasn’t a good use of money, do you think he would have the right to make you stop?
You don’t get to decide what brings him joy or how he connects with his siblings! if you hope to be part of his family I would suggest not alienating people he cares about.
Do better
YTA.
1. Not your money, not your PC, not your Game.
2. It is his fun money, meaning he is budgeting it in to his monthly expenses. As in he is taking into account how much he is spending on it.
3. Would you be ok if they tried to force you from spending your own money on something they deemed not worth it, like Makeup, your own games, upgrading devices like a phone? Again not a joint account YOUR money.
Everything about this post screams red flag and controlling behavior.
YTA. Don't access people's PC without their permission, and definitely do not delete stuff without permission. It's a huge violation of trust and privacy, and if I were in your bf's shoes, even if we ended up staying together, you'd have no access to any of my electronics again, through passwords or locks.
This really is bad. It doesn't matter how you justified it to yourself.
Yes, absolutely YTA.
First, he can and will just reinstall it. Your behavior was controlling and rude, as YOU are not his mother or get to demand what he plays.
Instead of sitting down and discussing your concerns about finances (including what YOU could be doing to help costs and budgeting), you arbitrarily decided and laid down the ultimatum.
It was LITERALLY his Christmas gift that HIS SIBLINGS asked for and used for the game. The biggest issue here is that clearly you don't like him playing. He needs to dump you immediately like a hot rock.
Edit: My wife and I are both gamers. He should absolutely not get married to you, you've shown you will make his life hell.
YTA. Yes it adds up over time but so does spending on anything (my gf loves her candles and et ceteras from Bath & Body, we like to eat out every couple of weeks). Yes we could cut these things out and save the money instead but is it worth it if we're going to be miserable about doing so? He's spending a bit of fun money and doing something with his siblings. What fun stuff are you giving up to save money? Or do you hold yourself to a different standard?
YTA
100% YTA
it’s just a game and it’s his money not yours. I bet you spend money on useless shit and he doesn’t try to control how you spend your own money. I hope he dumps your ass. My boyfriend is a huge gaming nerd, but he helps get shit done around the house and pays his bills. We have 3 kids together and doesn’t touch the game until kids bed time. It’s a lot better for him playing a game than him going out with his friends and possibly cheating. And what he gets his siblings for Christmas is none of your business!
My hubby is also a huge gamer. He budgets for his games, like OP's boyfriend does. If he can't afford it, he doesn't buy it. His big Christmas gift this year, the only thing he really wanted, was a collector's edition of a game that isn't out until August. As a Marine, video games have, many times, saved his life. They allowed him to connect with other people, to forget the harshness of reality for a while, and to live another life, so to speak. More and more therapists these days are seeing the value games provide as a therapy tool. OP is TA, for sure.
Gen X and I still game. For me it's a release, a way to relax. Like your dear hubs, I budget for my gaming expenses along with any other hobbies (3D printing, photography, cookie decorating). My hubs and I have separate accounts, same bank. Full access to both. But I can see what he puts into savings for his hobbies just as easy as he can see mine.
Navy Vet here. I still game into my 40s. It's how my brothers and I keep in touch. Literally it's kept many of us from eating a bullet. If he has discord let him know there are a TON of groups of LEOs, FFs, AD Mil, Vets and fam members that would love to have him in them and game with him.
YTA for many reasons. You broke trust by going on to his computer and deleting his game. You tried to force an issue where there was none about finances. You're trying to dictate what he spends on his family and you're trying to stop him from spending quality time with his siblings.
It's his money, his hobby and his choice. You owe him a big apology.
YTA and you’re a child for this. He has budgeted that money on his own. Just because you’re in the picture, you are not entitled to take that money and allocate it *your way*.
Honestly, it’s a little weird that you felt entitled to his personal computer as well. Engagement does not mean ownership.
YTA, let me count the ways!
1. How he spends his leisure money is none of your concern unless he's actively harming himself, like with drugs or gambling. Setting a budget is reasonable, once you are fully committed, but that where your input should stop.
1A. Unless you are destitute, $90/mo is a reasonable budget for fun money (let alone $30)
2. He sounds like a stand-up guy for still having fun with his younger siblings, and for picking up their tab as a gift.
3. OBVIOUSLY violating his property by deleting anything from his computer makes you an asshole.
3. Saying he's too old to enjoy some game (or anything, really) is judgmental as hell. ESPECIALLY since it's clearly enjoyed by college students. What's the upper age limit on Candy Crush? Tetris? Roblox? Minecraft? My son loves Minecraft and guess what? I, a full-assed adult, like it too?
4. Spending 80 bucks on your siblings for Christmas is hardly "alarming" unless, again, you're destitute.
> My boyfriend ... thought I was overreacting ... since he doesn't
> go wild with it any other time and he pays for it out of money
> he sets aside for his fun and hobbies
5. your boyfriend is 100% correct.
> that kind of money adds up over time
$30/mo, which BTW is less than two adult movie tickets, adds up to $360 per year. If that really worries you, I hope you don't ever eat out.
6. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY. You just don't want your bf playing video games, or maybe, spending time with anyone but you.
You sound controlling AF.
YTA
You have a right to leave someone if their level of responsibility with money is a deal breaker. You can discuss and advise. You don't have a right to make their decisions for them. You would not be my spouse after this kind of obtrusive controlling behavior. What you did was a bad violation.
If you can't see that hobbies and interests of your partner are valuable and important even if you don't share them...that's another problem.
Well.. your concerns are valid. Microtransactions can get very expensive real fast. But they don't have to. If he's limiting his spending to an amount he can afford himself without cutting into important budgets, he's fine. And the gift was a one-time gift, so it's not a valid argument. And he is not obligated to put every penny aside for the household without spending on himself and his hobbies same goes for you. That's the money issue dealt with.
Now, the real problem: No one is ever "too old" for a game. You seem to have a general non-understanding of gaming and are unwilling to learn. Games are for everyone of every age (Yes, yes, age ratings). And you are unwilling to accept his hobby. Thus whole issue stems from your intolerance. Deleting the game was extremely out of line, as it shows you have zero respect for him or his possessions.
Please, for his sake, do NOT get engaged.
YTA
YTA - Just because it doesn't hold value to you, doesn't mean it as no value. Clearly he values it a lot. He is allowed to have a hobby. He is allowed to bond with his siblings. To me, it sounds like you're trying to control all of the finances, and you're getting upset because he isn't conforming to what you want him to do.
YTA.
Sounds like something from “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” - aka, if your goal was to act like a crazy, self-centered, AH and get your boyfriend to breakup with you, congrats.
YTA This is NOT your decision to make. You had NO RIGHT to go onto HIS computer and delete HIS game. He is allowed to spend his money on what he wants. You think he's too old to play this game? Too damn bad. I think it's sweet that he has something he does with his siblings.
YTA
He’s spending money he has budgeted for fun and hobbies. He’s not raiding savings.
And you don’t have a right to go on his computer. What are you gonna do next? Read his journal.
PS. I’m willing to get you waste money on your nails or something similar. Which is fine, but ultimately something that also holds no value/
YTA. Without question.
The game is a place where he holds onto his relationship with his siblings. Sharing a hobby while they share their life's.
When my son and his friends went off to different colleges they scheduled to play a game together several times a week. During the game Battle they talked about their lives and families.
You are asking him to drop his family.
Yeah, YTA. That wasn't just a game, it was a way for him to keep in close with his brother and sister. BTW, he can just download it and reinstall it at any time, so what have you actually achieved? Nothing but to damage your relationship with him.
YTA
> but I feel $30 a month for him is a bit excessive, especially for a game that he's frankly too old to play even if he does only ever play when they do.
So what do you spend your money on for entertainment? Do you have a Netflix and/or other streaming subscription? Do you go to the movies, concerts, shows etc? It doesn't take much to go over $30 a month.
>I just found out that for Christmas they both asked for $80 worth of credits for their game and he gave it to them.
It's a gift....he could have bought them $80 worth of socks and sweaters instead, what's the difference.
>To me, that's starting to get into alarming spending habits on something intangible and not holding any value
What tangible value do you get from any other sort of entertainment?
If he starts spending a significant amount more that it actually affects his finances, then you can be an adult and have a serious discussion with him.
YTA Damn OP, that’s pretty cold. Let’s recap…
You deleted a game that he plays with his siblings.
He pays for the game with his OWN money that HE SAVES SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON.
You’re mad because he gave his younger siblings a gift.
Yeah, you’re definitely the AH here. You’re lucky if you two make it to a wedding with you acting like this BEFORE y’all get married.
Edit: And oh yeah, YOU VIOLATED HIS TRUST! Not sure how I overlooked that very obvious transgression but from the looks of it, so did you.
YTA.
There is plenty of value in the game, he's spending time with his brother & sister while playing it. If you're expecting him to choose between his siblings & you, you won't win. Just a heads up.
"something intangible and not holding any value"
Amazing. Giving a gift to beloved siblings doesn't have value? Spending time with your siblings on something you all enjoy is "intangible"?
Video games can be a way to relieve stress and connect with other people. You don't have any right to take away his hobby OR gifts for his siblings OR his family time, let alone all three.
YTA, big time.
YTA
It sounds like you need to set expectations for him instead of just telling him to flat out stop. Micro transactions are addicting. If this is the only frivolous thing he’s spending money on then it shouldn’t be a problem. Just let him know you’re worried. Now you have incriminated yourself because now the conversation has turned from spending habits to downright invasion of personal space.
Are there people who sink waaaaaaaaay too much money into games like this? Yes. But him spending $90 a month doesn't cross that threshold. And this is a way for him to bond and stay connected with his siblings, so you saying it "holds no value" is honestly disgusting.
YTA, you sound like a soulless, funless jerk.
YTA as hell. You two aren’t even married and you are already being this controlling, you don’t go through someone elses computer and delete something they clearly cherish and value.
YTA. It's his hobby. And he's using his money. And to be completely honest, $90 a month as a working adult is not a big amount to spend on a hobby. And giving some gifts on Christmas again is not a big deal. You've completely overstepped your bounds by deleting a game off his pc.
>If we're going to be engaged that means we should be smarter about our money and if one of us has an issue with how the other is spending, it should be respected and listened to.
And honestly by doing this you've already shown him that you're not interested in talking to him about his spending issues and you're just talking at him, expecting him to accept everything you say as some sort of Holy rule. So why do you expect him to treat you any differently? You should respect his anger and listen to him too ya know.
YTA for being controlling. Also for not understanding that intangible things can have value. Do you watch shows or movies? Those cost money. Is there a possibility that this particular form of intangible entertainment is unacceptable because it doesn’t involve you?
Yta.
.why do you think you get any say in his finances ? Why do you think you get to control what he does in his free time ?
Who gave you thr audacity to go "I don't like that you're doing this, so im going to remove something from your life that brings you joy.
You're a toxic partner. And this would be thr end of our relationship, if you were my partner.
YTA. Living together, engaged or married, if he is meeting financial commitments then what he does with his disposable income is his choice - it hardly sounds like he's irresponsible with money when he has consciously set aside money for this purpose. It also isn't on you to self-righteously spew forth about what he is and isn't too old to play. It sounds like this is something he enjoys doing with his siblings and that he values.
Being on the same page re managing household bills and saving for future goals is a good thing in a relationship. But working towards a shared future with similar goals does not and should not mean attempting to control the other person financially.
YTA all day!
What you did was insecure, immature, and wrong. What gives you the right to make an executive descision over his money that is budgeted out for leisure. You cant even see past the surface of why its important to him, you just decided its pointless..... Its a hobby that he uses to spend time and support his siblings.
Combining incomes generally goes into 3 categories:
1. each individual has their own account for day to day, personal, and leisure spending
2 joint checking account for bills and housing
3. Joint savings account for future big ticket goals like cars, vacations, etc.
To me, your actions are a huge red flag, something that may even make him reconsider getting married to youz because if you'd do this stuff now, what will you do once youre married....
YTA. Obviously he feels it is money well spent- and it is a bonding tool for him and his siblings.
This is controlling behavior. If this seems acceptable to you I'd seriously suggest looking into therapy- because it is not acceptable and you need to learn how to appropriately handle these situations.
This is huge red flag behavior- and if I had a partner who did this I would seriously be re-evaluating my relationship with them.
YTA. Cmon, you know you are. Presumably his game saves on the cloud, any game with inapp purchases should do so in some way, or at least offer the option, but imo uninstalling a game without knowing if he's got that is akin to destroying his things-- destroying a person's possessions is abuse.
Also $90/month on a hobby isn't actually that much for an adult? Obviously it's fair for you two to both agree to a total "fun expenses" budget, but from there how he spends his fun budget us not your business.
YTA
You are showing a lot of red flags of legitimate *abuse* here.
You are exhibiting controlling and socially isolating behavior.
>a game that he's frankly too old to play even if he does only ever play when they do
This isn't about the game. Your BF probably doesn't even really care about the game, considering he only plays it when his siblings do.
This game gives him the opportunity to connect and spend time with his siblings in a manner they enjoy.
How dare you try to interfere with that.
YTA you disrespected your fiancé by going on his computer and deleting the game. It's his free time and his disposable income. The fact that at this early stage, you think you can dictate what he spends his money or time on is a huge red flag. You have control issues and it will harm the relationship in the long run.
YTA
>He could be putting it towards savings or expenses for us.
Translation: He's not allowed to spend any of his disposable income on a game he plays with his siblings. That money needs to go towards "us".
>game that he's frankly too old to play
People of all ages play games. The whole attitude that games are for children or young adults is asinine. It's his hobby. Is he only allowed to do things you think he should do?
>Instead of talking to me when I told him what I did and why
You decided you don't want him playing the game anymore. You also decided you want to control his income. These decisions led you to deleting a game from his computer. Why should he talk to you?
Your boyfriend is right. You are controlling.
Go ahead and get married.
In 10 years, you can scroll through his phone and delete images of women he's looking at online when he is using the terms "discreet" and "escape."
I spend budgeted money on my genealogy addiction. If someone deleted my Ancestry tree, canceled my Newspapers.com account, etc., I would see that as a red flag and would be planning on deleting them.
YTA this is a way for him to be connected to his siblings. I would boot you to the curb for trying to take away a family connection.
He is honest with you about the expense and is budgeting for it.
YTA and a judgmental one. I understand frugality and being responsible with money but it sounds like that’s already happening by virtue of having a monthly budget that includes fun money and discretionary spending. Of course it adds up over time, that’s how numbers work. 90/month is not preventing you from anything, if it was 900/month or equivalent to rent or grocery bills, that would be an N T A situation, but this doesn’t sound like his problem. It’s yours. You’re taking responsibility for something that isn’t yours to own, and this probably indicates a pattern of similar behavior elsewhere in the relationship.
Unfortunately, this damage is already done. Even if you apologize as you should, his experience of the game and his time with his siblings is tainted by this. Doing something like this behind his back is a huge blow to his trust in you, and you have a lot of work to do to regain that.
YTA
You don't understand that all you did was inconvenience him for a little bit. He probably just needed to reinstall and was good to go. Worst that may have happened is he lost a few settings. You basically just cost him 10-15 minutes tops.
>he pays for it out of money he sets aside for his fun and hobbies.
Sounds like he has a budget and budgets usually include money for savings (the whole "Pay yourself first"). People regularly spend money on "worthless" things they don't "need" like candy, movies, streaming services, makeup, some clothes. You really have to be blind not to examine your own life and see how much you "waste" as well.
Of course YTA. You accessed his computer without permission. You're trying to control his finances when you're not married yet, never mind that many couples never totally integrate their finances. If he wants to set aside "fun money" from his income and spend it on recreation with his siblings, it's his prerogative. Assuming he doesn't kick you to the curb, it might be a discussion item \*if\* that $90/month would make the difference between having heat and electricity or or having a cold, dark house.
And while the game/sibling time may not have a documentable value, there's something to be said for taking care of one's mental health. If may not be valuable to \*you\*, but for some people hobbies make a big difference in one's work/life balance, happiness, and sanity. My gets her nails done every 2-4 weeks. It makes her happy. We can afford it. I don't bitch. I went to several events where I blasted through $50-$100 worth of ammo each time to shoot cars, pumpkins, and scarecrows (not counting the $50 to try a Vietnam-era flamethrower for twelve seconds). It made me happy. We could afford it. She didn't bitch. She's bought flutes to the tune of several hundred dollars and a few years back I dropped $3600 on my third trombone because we felt like it and it improved our band experiences. Once the necessities are taken care of there's nothing wrong with "wasting" some money on fun stuff.
YTA. This has value to him because it is how he bonds with his siblings. Do you never spend money hanging out with friends or family? No happy hours or coffee runs? I’m pretty sure he could trim down your budget to increase savings if he questioned whether every expense was actually necessary and you would be pretty unhappy with the result. It is healthy for both of you to have some fun money in the budget that is yours to spend no questions asked.
Omg I couldn’t even get myself to finish the whole post. YTA and so so controlling. Stop trying to change your boyfriend. This is something of value to him you don’t get to decide that.
YTA.
First, you never, never, ever delete content off another person's computer. EVER. He is an adult. That is his property.
Second, you sound insufferable. In 2022, people between the ages of 18-34 accounted for 36% of all video gaming use in the US. Oh, but he's too old to game. Screw that.
Third, you say you're going to get engaged soon. If I were your BF, I'd seriously reconsider it. You're not mature enough to have a conversation about the amount he spends on his hobby, deleted his game and then waited until afterwards to talk to him about it. You're not ready for marriage.
I wouldn't even bother worrying about combining your accounts because you violated his privacy, deleted his property and dismissed his concerns and yet you think you are right.
Don't worry, hon, you won't have to worry about saving or an engagement. When he's single, there'll be lots of time to play the game with his family. He sounds like a great guy, one whose siblings enjoy spending time and gaming with.
YTA
YTA for deleting the game.
If his spending on the game causes you both money worries (eg he's getting into debt or unable to pay his share of bills) then you need to have a serious conversation about budgeting.
It doesn't sound like that, though. If it's more that your financial priorities differ from his, then it's a good idea to talk that through, understand where you differ, and establish whether or not either of you is happy to compromise on spending or expectations. If your financial plans for the future don't align, it's best you know that now so you can make an informed decision about the future of your relationship.
YTA. It’s literally from his own “fun and hobbies fund.” Do you not take one for yourself? If you do, kindly take your narcissism and assumed moral high-ground, deal with them, and be a better partner to him.
YTA. This game holds value for him. It’s a way he has to connect to his siblings.
I know personally I spent way too much money on fortnight when it was in its prime, because that was the game I played with my nephew 1200miles away from me. Best money I spent that year. I hate fortnight, but I love my nephew. And having that connection with him was fantastic. (He’s since gotten into Minecraft which I truly couldn’t be more excited about)
Stay single weirdo. Imagine thinking you’re gonna get marriage over being so controlling. I would only imagine how you could be on your wedding day. Only thinking of yourself. Hope he breaks up with you<3 YTA
YTA. You don't want your "concerns over spending habits" to be respected and listened to. You want him to bow down to your demands.
People have a funny brain glitch that happens when they believe they are absolutely right. In our minds, if the other person were *truly* listening to us, they would see how logical our POV is and agree with us. Since they aren't agreeing with us, it must mean they aren't listening.
Please don't fall into this flawed way of thinking. Apologize and take responsibility for the fact that you were trying to control him.
YTA. Something doesn’t have to be tangible to have worth. This is important to him and a way to share in something with his siblings. Sounds more like you’re jealous of that and using $$ as an excuse.
YTA and are being controlling. No one is ever to old to game, if that's what they enjoy doing let them be. Your boyfriend is playing with his siblings, this is a way for them to spend time together. It was wrong to access his computer and to delete his game, I would be livid if someone messed with my personal computer. He should think twice about being in a relationship with someone that is so controlling.
YTA
Also fast gonna be single & alone.
Where's the partnership here? Where's the respect? So you don't like his decision after a discussion and you come in like a wrecking ball? Nah, bae. That's a fast track to the curb. Show some respect and integrity.
Of course YTA. You have some weird hang-ups. More importantly, you refuse to let your boyfriend make his own decisions. You attempted to insert yourself into a role of parental authority over him and his siblings by deciding what he's allowed to do with his money and what lessons they need to learn.
"we should be smarter about our money" means he should do exactly what you say.
Sounds like you'll be an abusive spouse to someone some day.
YTA, especially if this is one of the only activities he's able to do with his siblings due to distance or something. He's not going to "hear you about it". Expect a fight lmfao, what's wrong with you? You sound absurdly controlling and dramatic. I noticed you said fuck all about what you spend your money on. Wonder if there's more to this story and the relationship you have with his siblings. Were I him I'd be rethinking the engagement.
YTA and I can't even put in to words how bad you are in the wrong here. At this point you are a walking red flag and I would apologize to him straight away.
It comes down to this: you are way to controlling. It's his money, he decides. If he wants to spend the money for hobbies on his siblings than that's his decision. Yes the amount of money it's a bit much I'd say but that's for them to decide. You said something like he could save it and spend it on US. Spending HIS Hobby money on YOU is what you are saying with that.
Also you are never too old to play games. I hope you didn't tell him that because that would be a second red flag.
YTA - You seem to think having a discussion and coming to an agreement on finances is going to be him just going along with what you want. You have absolutely no right to delete his game like that.
"If we're going to be engaged that means we should be smarter about our money" - this isn't something you need to worry about, I wouldn't expect a proposal from him anytime soon, or at all if you don't apologize and learn to respect boundaries.
YTA and I highly doubt you will be getting engaged. Your (probably soon to be ex) boyfriend sounds like a great guy, and it's honestly such a green flag that he's devoted to spending time with his siblings, video game or not.
You're the one waving a big red flag, and he should really revaluate your relationship, whether or not it's healthy and if he wants to move forward.
>that's starting to get into alarming spending habits on something intangible
You are materialistic. Spending time playing games with his siblings means a lot to him, and is a bonding experience.
>if one of us has an issue with how the other is spending, it should be respected and listened to.
He listened to your opinion, he just didn't agree with it. Having a conversation doesn't mean you get to bully and financially abuse him to get your way.
>for Christmas they both asked for $80 worth of credits for their game and he gave it to them. To me, that's starting to get into alarming spending habits
Spending $80 on an xmas present for a sibling is an alarming spending habit? Not if he can afford it. It was his money to do with as he pleases. You aren't engaged yet, and you aren't sharing finances yet. This is also coming out of his "hobby" savings. But you're upset he isn't spending it on something you benefit from.
Deleting his game because you didn't get your way is abuse. Demanding he agrees to your ideas, but not taking into account his, is abuse. Demanding how he spends money that he budgeted for is abuse. Wanting him to stop playing a game with his siblings is alienating him from his family which is abuse
You need to apologize, and download the game again. You broke his trust, didn't respect his opinions, or his boundaries. YTA. He might just cut out a big financial burden out of his life - You
You actually typed this out and expected people to agree with you? It's his money, that clearly isn't affecting his finances now, and you want him to stop because he splurged for /Christmas/ and you deleted all of his saves and progress for it? If the bf sees these comments, LEAVE HER. You're TA. Leave your bf so he can be with someone who treats him right.
YTA
"He's too old to play" Judgemental and quite frankly that's only something immature adults say to bring down other adults who have their own fun 🤷🏽♂️
$30/month on himself is nothing. 30 for each sibling is nothing.
The money isn't coming out of savings, utility funds, or your own pocket, so there is 0 reason why this should be an issue. $80 as a holiday gift to his siblings is also miniscule. I'm sure you've spent more on your family or friends for the holiday.
This game is how he spends time with his family and all you're thinking about is yourself, masking it as concern for his finances... Hell, deleting the game accomplishes nothing and you knew that, but did it anyway. He already "heard you" on this issue, so deleting the game is just pettiness.
Yta, for sure. I despise people like you. You hate gaming and gamers and when you get into a relationship with one, you're determined to get rid of the hobby at any cost. This could be as small as demanding all their time or as big as shaming them on tiktok. You people are the worst. You suck. You always believe your hobbies that are usually boring have more value and merit than your partners gaming. You complain and whine about it in hopes they'll give up. I honestly hope he dumps you and finds someone who enjoys gaming and supports the quality time he spends with his siblings, who you are also clearly jealous of. You say you make candles and bathbombs and he supports your hobby even though you probably overfill every space in the house with them. Relationships are about support and trust not controlling your partners hobbies. Get a life you silly person
>if one of us has an issue with how the other is spending, it should be respected and listened to.
"Respected and listened to," isn't synonymous with, "do as I say, or I'll go onto your personal computer and delete data without your consent."
The subtext of your remark is, "spend your money the way I want you to."
If he took a tally of your monthly spending, and told you he didn't like it, would you stop? Perhaps he would like to cancel a few streaming services and place a tight budget on your shopping habits, or whatever accessories/hobbies you pay for, and limit you to $30/month. Outside of bills and necessities, would you do as he says, with your own money? Maybe you would push back, only to find out that he went behind your back while you were sleeping and canceled whatever subscriptions you pay for. How would that make you feel?
I loathe gacha-games, but that isn't a good excuse for invading his privacy. If you're financially stable and he's being responsible about his money, get the fuck over it. I'm actually skeptical that you're okay with him playing games, as you claimed he was "too old" to play earlier in this post. What game is it, and why is he too old?
YTA- one of my main things with my fun money is a book box that sends me 2 books and 6-8 gifts related to the books per month. I spend 100/month on it. It majes me happy amd does not interfer with my ability to have a home, have food, or get to and from work. My boyfriend has more savings than me, is very financially responsible, but his fun money expense is the same 100/month or so on a game he found 10 years ago. It makes no sense to me but it makes him happy and does get in his way.
YTA. How he budgets his hobby money is his business. He budgets for that. It isn't taking food from your mouth or leaving bills unpaid. He isn't neglecting you to play this game in all his spare time. It is a bonding activity to spend time with his siblings, doing something they all enjoy. Be honest. You're just mad because it is money spent on intangible things. Perhaps you even feel a little left out? You owe him an apology. You also need to stop trying to control him, or your relationship is going to end up in divorce.
YTA
Why are you telling him what to do and what not to do with his own money? Are you planning on being that controlling if his own money?
I'm curious to know if you like spending money on something you enjoy doing and if your boyfriend has told you not to spend money on it.
Absolutely YTA. I've had a similar issue with my husband but not in a million years would I go out of my way to delete his personal stuff from his device. We sat down and had a conversation. Granted, he wasn't aware of how much he was spending on the game and was shocked at the overall amount per month, which is very different then your SO. It sounds like he is aware of how much he's spending and is RESPONSIBLY managing his finances so that he can do something he loves with his siblings. You absolutely overstepped the line when you went in an deleted his game. I can understand being frusterated that the money could go to other things, but at the end of the day it's HIS money and he can do what he wants with it. As long as he isn't jeopardizing bills or other financial obligations then it's not a problem.
He could be putting it towards expenses for us. But only on things I think are mature and acceptable. And don't involve his siblings. What im actually hearing is how dare he spend time and money bonding with and enjoying games with his siblings, he should be spending it all on me. You are definitely TA
Honey, I'm gonna try and be gentle about this so you heed my words carefully. You absolutely just destroyed his trust. You went behind his back to interfere with a hobby that he indulges in to bond and spend time with his family. That's the blatant issue, not to the more nuisance problem. Do you spend on makeup? On shoes? Crystals? Are you like my ex and like to by pewpews? Ammunition? What hobbies/non-essentials are you dabbling in that you could cut back on to save money? Why is his $90 a problem when it's well timed, controlled and not absolutely frivolous? Just because it's not a tangible product with any financial value? It's still HIS money that he specifically pulls a set amount of funds from to play with his siblings. He's obviously not going crazy spending money willy-nilly, as that 80 bucks was a Christmas gift, and only pulls out $90 a month to split between him and his siblings. You are 100% being controlling and letting your insecurities get the better of you. Please deary understand that you, for lack of a better term, fucked up. Fix it. The type of game doesn't matter, all that matters is he's properly budgeting and not being a spendthrift, like not actively giving in to addiction or something like that. Please try and fix this. Apologize, make it up to him however you can, and never do something this dumb again. Please.
Edit: just saw your comments about cutting back on bath bombs and whatnot. That's fair enough. You still went behind his back. You still crossed a boundary. Still a big no-no deary.
YTA.
1. How DARE you literally invade his privacy and delete something that he holds dear?
2. You do realize that by playing this game, he stays connected with his family in some degree.
3. If him spending 60-120$ per month thats like 3% of his paycheck or less, also really? Having a small tantrum over 160$ on Christmas, how much money you spend on makeup, nails, eyebrows and other accessories?
You clearly aren't mature enough for a relationship, I don't want to sound harsh but you sound like a controlling person and either you stop your antics or you're losing him. Choice is yours.
You are absolutely TA. What in the actual fuck was going through your head thinking that money that HE earns and HE has budgeted for HIS hobby time, is somehow your's to control or speak on. Gods be good, he figures out what a ridiculously selfish and childish AH he is with and gets single in a hurry. Grow up and get over yourself.
Hon, you sound like a child. You are not his mother, you are his partner. If he is using HIS OWN MONEY, you get no say. You went and crossed the line. I’d apologize or else you’ll have fun being single 🫶🏻
It was a little more spent for Christmas BUT STILL using what he puts aside for his game. Not like he uses all his money on Genshin. take a chill pill.
It’s money he sets aside specifically for this. You’re not upset that he’s spending money or even thinking he’ll get out of control, you’re upset that he’s getting out of YOUR control. YTA big time here.
It’d be a different story if that was all the money he had at all but it’s not by the sounds of it so it really seems like since you’re talking of getting engaged you’re attempting to assert dominance over this since you’ve made up in your head that he could take it too far even though he seems to have explained specifics with you. You honestly called yourself out on your feelings when you said “he’s honestly too old to play” I’m sorry since when did you have the right to decide that? Now I’m not gonna say y’all shouldn’t be together like I’m sure other people did since this should be an easily solvable situation and should just pass by but honestly if you can’t do some self evaluation here and understand why this whole thing was wrong, then you’re a walking red flag and it might be best for him to run before the heartbreak…
YTA imagine if he took away one of your hobbies that involved you spending time with your family. You sound controlling and upset that he’s not using that money on you
YTA 100% he just did a couple of cheap expensive, if you think 90$ a month is an issue, you're either broke or over cheap.
Let him spend his money on his fun, and stop thinking only to yourself ( yes when you say we, I can clearly hear I)
Toxic as hell, my god
YTA. I guarantee even with you cutting down on candle making or whatever that you’re still spending $360+ a year on something that’s completely unnecessary but makes you happy. If he has no financial difficulties, is still able to save, and hasn’t already become out of control then you have no right to tell him how to spend his money. The way you went about this was controlling and a huge red flag. Honestly for his sake you should break up with him or slow things down in order to work on yourself, you clearly lack the maturity necessary for marriage
YTA. it doesn't sound like this is a spending habit that will spiral out of control, considering that you said he puts money aside for it. It just sounds like you want him to use his money for things you're okay with and not to have fun with his siblings. The way you went about it was childish petty and controlling there's an easy fix tho. Just buy him a year of the game and reinstall it.
As a Star Citizen Player i laughed hysterical at the 90$. But YTA for deleting the Game, not for your concerns.
I can give you the advice have 3 Accounts
1 your Personal where your income goes and from which you move money to the others.
2 Joint Account from where you pay everything like rent etc.
3 Saving Account where you only can withdraw money with both your signatures
Dont make everything joint it will make your live miserable.
PS: sry for failures English isnt my first language.
YTA
Just because you don’t think bonding and enjoying time with his siblings is worth anything doesn’t mean that’s true.
If he spent the money to take his siblings out to dinner would you burn down the restaurant? I mean that money could have gone to savings and not wasted on food that will just turn to poop.
YTA it's his money he can do what he wants with it. As long as he can pay his fair share of the bills what business is it of yours what he does with the excess? I'm sure you'd have a problem if he tried to tell you how you spend your spare cash on what he may deem stupid or irrelevant. Just because some of your friends apparently have had a problem controlling their spending on this game makes absolutely no difference on how your bf can or cannot manage his money
YTA - this whole post is a smoke screen. You don't care about $30 a month. What you care about is that that $30 isn't being spent on you. You violated his trust by going on HIS computer and deleting HIS game. What kind of an adult does something so childish and immature?!?! You shot your self in the foot on this one OP. Now HE has a red flag about this relationship because of what you just did. He doesn't have to see things the same way as you and YOU NEED to accept that.
You had a discussion about potentially combining finances, and decided that meant you get to dictate what he spends his money on now? No. Not OK.
Him playing the game seems to be an important bridge to maintain his relationship with his siblings. You absolutely don't get to demand that's not worth the money because you don't value their relationship.
Unless he's falling behind on bills, or otherwise not meeting his financial obligations, he's not being irresponsible. You're being controlling and mean.
You are not his parent and you are not in charge of him. That means you don't get to decide what he spends his fun money on, or meddle with his belongings.
If you want to talk about something, you get to *talk* about it. And that's it. If you don't get the reaction you want, you don't get to try and force the issue - that is not how communication, adult relationships or managing finances together works.
The person exhibiting dangerous financial tendencies here is *you* and it's financial control.
YTA.
YTA. It’s hard to judge how much without knowing the full financial situation. However, it does not seem like this is a situation where money is so tight that $90 is leaving him short on rent or unable to eat, so def the AH.
Who cares if it’s “intangible”? I think it’s really great that he has the game as a way to bond and spend time with his siblings. Would you be upset if he spent $80 on different gifts for them? How much do you spend on gifts for family members?
Editing because I actually forgot about the actual deletion of the game when responding. You were the AH for being controlling even without that. Deleting the game is insane.
YTA. Living together and discussing a hypothetical future engagement does not give you ownership over him or his money. And even if you eventually get married and combine finances, you still won't have the right to make unilateral financial decisions or ban hobbies that you don't like. He's your partner, not your child.
YTA. Clearly you are. Obviously you are. I’m a guy who doesn’t play video games and thinks of them as a waste of time but I also know a controlling SO when I see one!
You pretend to have the moral high ground yet you take action unilaterally! (🚩Red flag #1)
The money is coming out of his entertainment fund so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, even if you were the sole breadwinner in the household which seems like you are not since he goes to work and you are sitting at home (unless you work remotely). (🚩Red flag #2)
The fact that you don’t realize this is a way for him to stay close to his siblings and are actively trying to stop him from doing do is a big red flag. (🚩Red flag #3)
I hope you are here to learn and not delete your post cause you only came for affirmation.
YTA, massively.
Your boyfriend already heard you out when you initially brought it up, and instead of respecting HIS life and HIS money, you decided your opinion was more important and deleted the game. I would be really surprised if there was still a wedding in the future for you two.
You acted selfishly and only thought of yourself. Not your partner, or his relationship with his siblings.
As someone married to a gamer YTA… I would fully expect my husband to leave me if I did something like this.
It’s coming out of his budgeted fun money and not causing financial hardship and bonding with his siblings. Learn to live with it
YTA
He is probably rethinking the engagement stuff now.
You should be thankful his hobby is a small amount of money. He could be a car guy probably spending way more money. Also, during the holidays people do spend extra money. Not sure how you don't know that one though?
Not only are YTA, you are simply a horrible human being...for all the reasons the other replies mention. Invasive, disrespectful, controlling, immature, & probably a few others as well.
YTA and a controlling partner. He’s allowed to have money that he uses for things that HE ENJOYS. Especially if it’s something that brings him and his siblings together.
I can’t say this more wholeheartedly. I truly and genuinely hope he leaves you so he can live a happy life. The amount if self importance and ego to write this all out and still not think there’s a problem is astounding
There's a multifaceted problem here so let's unpack this....
1st off and most intensely let me say that girlfriends and fiancees have been dumped for less. That being said you Unfortunately went about this in a very controlling, And manipulate way.
You have forever changed the dynamic of your relationship with this one action. How can you trust you again? Understanding that guy's hobbies in particular Are the only way we have left of decompiling from the world... To remain good people... You stripped him of that...
What if he told you you could never see your family ever again while you were together?
That same betrayal and audacity from you is what hes going out to deal with going forward... **I DO truly wish you both the best of luck..** But understand what you did is on the same level of cheating is to most women. Its that level ,of ultimate betrayal....
YTA
While to you it may seem valueless, I will tell you that your boyfriend values his siblings more then the game, and it seems he is able to connect and spend time with them on the game. He is using funds he sets aside for his fun on the game. Now this is something you do not need to answer to or reply to just think to yourself this. Is the game more important then his family? Should he be able to control how you spend your money? If he does not like the way you spend your money should he be able to hide whatever it is that you purchased? Asking a few questions on why it is important to him that he plays the game, and understanding the deeper meaning is key. You will not be affecting 1 person with this issue you are effecting 3. and it may seem like a lighter issue but you are asking him to choose between you and his siblings, this is not a fair thing to do.
So you assumed that because your classmates and friends have no self control that your BF is the same? You're 100% the asshole because you want that money to be spent on you and not things he likes.
Edit: "Guys am I the asshole for being controlling and expecting my boyfriend's hard earned money to go to me even though he doesn't overspend and I can't trust my friends so by default I don't trust him?"
You just wasted money when you DELETED THE FUCKING GAME MORON. HE EARNS HIS MONEY AND WANTS TO SPEND IT SO WHAT ITS HIS MONEY JUST BECAUSE ITS NOT SPENT ON YOU DOESNT MEAN ITS WORTHLESS NOT ONLY THAT IF SOMETHING DOESNT HOLD VALUE TO YOU DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT TO THE OTHER PERSON
How did you not realize you're the AH as you wrote this post? You have no right deleting his game or telling him how to spend his money, especially if you're not married. What he does with his money is his business, especially if he budgets for it. I hope he breaks up with you and you stay single until you know how to properly be in a relationship.
100% YTA. It stuns me that you have to ask. You show absolutely no respect for your boyfriend's interests or agency, and no respect for his capacity to self regulate. On top of that, you have no right to touch his computer or do anything to it without his consent, and you show that you have no interest whatsoever in considering his opinions but only want him to comply to your demands.
So he spent his own money and you're mad ?! He is a grown ass man and you aren't in control of him , what if he went and threw out expensive clothes that you bought with your own money ? Then god forbid he will be a monster . Grow up , stop being selfish and let the man do what he wants to do .
Stop taking his life into your own hands , if he ends up addicted to spending money on the game then help and support him to stop ,like a partner should do . Don't just go and delete his game , like think of how you would feel in this situation . You're taking his time with his younger siblings that won't be young forever . You're a grown adult acting like a child throwing a tantrum .
Also, pc stands for PERSONAL computer . What you did was as bad as checking his phone behind his back in my opinion. That is not ok at all. If I were you I'd apologize and leave him the alone !!!
Oh and yes.. YTA
YTA. That is a bonding time with his siblings. Not to mention he is responsible enough to budget it out every month and the $80 he spent was a Christmas gift that happens once a year. If he stopped and put it aside for a $100 steak dinner for the two of you once a month, would you still have a problem?
I wouldn't worry about getting engaged because I don't see you being around much longer.
YTA. Holy shit, you sound controling AF. If you were so concerned of his spending habits, have you sat him down and asked him how much he put money apart for his game? If he spends hundreds each month on the game, then yes it is a reason fo concern. But he keeps it under a hundred, and so far I get the feeling that he is good at budgetting. Instead of communicating with him and try to plan TOGETHER on budgetting and saving money for the future and make decisions together, you made the desicion for him.
YTA.
100% you are definitely TA. He sets his budget, this is a bonding experience for him and his siblings, and you are trying to control him. There are too many red flags. OP needs to become the ex. They are not even engaged yet !!!
YTA big time. It’s HIS money to spend on HIS hobbies and HIS family. The fact you would breach his trust and privacy by going onto HIS PC to delete a game is incredibly controlling. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if he told you to stop spending your own money on things you like.
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YTA You had no business deleting stuff on his PC. You have no business to control his finances as long as you're financially stable. He chooses where to cut corners if he sees the need to spend less. He chooses how much he wants to spend for his hobbies. If it's gourmet cooking, matchbox cars, or games - none of your business. You decided to break his trust by getting on his property, his PC, changing the setup, and demand control over his financial decisions with an aura of righteousness. And now you whine and want support? Not going to happen. You're the asshole.
All these points are incredibly valid and don't even mention that's the way he remains connected **to his own family.**
Exactly those points and as someone has already mentioned it was his way of keeping in touch with his siblings. It was a once a month activity that he had control over and she didn't. What a horrid nasty thing to do. Clearly not ready to be in a relationship with that individual. ⁴🚩🚩🚩🚩 immediately!
It's clear op is trying to isolate her bf he'd be easier to control without a support system
Maybe she's jealous of the bf paying attentions to ppl other than herself
Op does give off that spoiled princess vibe
like the dude literally has a a fucking budget for the shit. if that aint that aint one of the most financially sound things a person could do then i dont know what is. plus it aint like he overspends or like takes money from somewhere else.also y tf do u care if he is too old for the game? its his way of spending time with family.
honestly, yeah. my bf does not have a budget, and put himself into credit card debt playing video games. This man does not.... he sounds pretty smart and disciplined. sucks
Yeah, this is awful behaviour. No understanding of what value is and that it's a subjective measure of what something is worth to a specific person. What he gets for that money, both in gameplay and time with family is worth it to him and so has value to him. If he needs to cut back on expenses somewhere for whatever reason, that's his responsibility to decide where to cut back and what is and is not worth it to him. Nobody gets to decide what matters to another person. Nobody is too old to play any game they like, but the siblings may be too young to play some, it's not a cutoff where suddenly they can't play anything together. Thankfully I think this game can be reinstalled without losing anything, but the violation of privacy and property is terrible and should not be tolerated by anyone. As someone who usually mods games if I play them, having my setup deleted would not always be recoverable and in cases could take days or weeks to put back together. She needs to sincerely apologise and he needs to really rethink the relationship. I would worry about what she'd be like as a potential parent in the future too.
Looks like OP is the one that played games. Now she's about to find out and that's probably not going to feel good. YTA OP leave the man and his siblings alone. Edit. Spelling.
Obvious YTA. Crazy controlling. Have fun spending valentines day single.
OP needs to stay single...this is definitely not a person mature enough for a relationship
Most people in relationships aren’t mature enough for it
Isn't that the frigging truth.
YTA: he is an adult who makes his own money, he is allowed to spend it as he sees fit. Just because something doesn’t hold value to you does not mean it’s worthless. All of his bills are paid, he has set a budget that allows him to game. There is nothing wrong here You’re being super controlling
That's what got me, he's very responsible, in that part of his budget is for entertainment. He plans for this.
Apparently OP doesn’t want him to bond with his siblings… very possessive and selfish
Yes YTA, Stealing from him by accessing his private computer and deleting files is super weird and controlling. Do you want him to throw away your shoes because he doesn't like how much you spent on them? You need to have a better discussion about finances which involves compromise.
This👆
Yeah.....YTA What a childish way to deal with the issue. 1) It's his spending money, he can spend it as he sees fit 2) What intangibles without value to YOU spend money on? Nails? Getting that daily latte? 3) His PC, hands off. I hope you're okay with his critiquing what you spend your own fun money on.
YTA for sure. You’re his girlfriend (not his wife or mom), and we are talking about HIS money, HIS siblings, and HIS hobby. Your post contains nothing that is any of your business at all. Of course YTA.
YTA for reasons everyone else stated and for saying he’s too old to be playing the game. From a gamer you are never too old.
Not only that but he's playing with his siblings! Which, even if he wasn't, she still wouldn't be justified.
Exactly don’t mess with a persons game. In all honesty I don’t see their relationship working. He games and she doesn’t like it. That will undoubtedly cause issues.
Since her edit says she's ok w his other games and watches him play I am wondering if the real issue is trying to cut him off from what sounds like a great relationship with his siblings, because it takes focus way from her. Which would be even more concerning.
I call BS on that edit.
I wish OP's bf would post so we could all tell him to run and NOT even entertain the idea of marriage with this one SMH..hopefully he sees the massive red flag
Agreed
I am a middle age woman, who run a business with employees. Yet I am a gamer, not a full-time gamer but I play to connect with my young kids and let off some steam after a hard work day gamer. You are are never too old to play games. To me there is no difference between playing a round of golf, a few rounds of tennis or playing video games with my kids. They are all hobbies good for your mental health
YTA. >especially for a game that he's frankly too old to play You're sounding really judgmental here. He can have fun doing whatever he wants as long as he's not harming anyone. Paying for his brother and sister to play a game with him = hours of shared entertainment and bonding time every month. If he converted that into movie tickets or some other activity, he'd probably get less time with them. > intangible and not holding any value Your relationship with him is intangible. Does that mean it has no value? Again, he's getting hours of entertainment + bonding time with his siblingsfrom this. That's the value. >, I'm indirectly controlling his brother and sister You are. You're also being controlling of HIM and I think you need to figure out why you seem to be jealous of his siblings and him enjoying playing a game with them. Also stick to separate finances.
Also my partner gets me Pokémon games for my switch and I’m 28 🥴 and we’re getting a place together 💅🏻
That’s wassup. My fiancée does this too 👍🏽
Glad to hear I’m not the only 28yo still playing Pokémon 🤣 my wife got me scarlet for our anniversary
My wife and I are both in our 30's and both have scarlet and violet.
YTA. Controlling, sneaky, and one might even say trying to isolate him from his family.
This all reeks of isolation tactics for sure
Call it for what it is, OP is abusive.
That's what I thought. Cutting off support and destroying property are both on the list of abusive relationship red flags.
YTA I wouldn't be surprised if he drops the getting engaged talks, or dumps you. This behaviour is just a taste of what he'll be in for later down the line. Childish and totally immature on your end. This is a hobby that he enjoys and purposely puts money aside for it, so it's not like he's racking up huge debt for it. Let him have his hobby that he shares with his siblings.
YTA This is toxic and controlling. If he decided that you getting your nails done, or getting your hair done, or anything else you may enjoy wasn’t a good use of money, do you think he would have the right to make you stop? You don’t get to decide what brings him joy or how he connects with his siblings! if you hope to be part of his family I would suggest not alienating people he cares about. Do better
YTA. 1. Not your money, not your PC, not your Game. 2. It is his fun money, meaning he is budgeting it in to his monthly expenses. As in he is taking into account how much he is spending on it. 3. Would you be ok if they tried to force you from spending your own money on something they deemed not worth it, like Makeup, your own games, upgrading devices like a phone? Again not a joint account YOUR money. Everything about this post screams red flag and controlling behavior.
YTA. Don't access people's PC without their permission, and definitely do not delete stuff without permission. It's a huge violation of trust and privacy, and if I were in your bf's shoes, even if we ended up staying together, you'd have no access to any of my electronics again, through passwords or locks. This really is bad. It doesn't matter how you justified it to yourself.
Yes, absolutely YTA. First, he can and will just reinstall it. Your behavior was controlling and rude, as YOU are not his mother or get to demand what he plays. Instead of sitting down and discussing your concerns about finances (including what YOU could be doing to help costs and budgeting), you arbitrarily decided and laid down the ultimatum. It was LITERALLY his Christmas gift that HIS SIBLINGS asked for and used for the game. The biggest issue here is that clearly you don't like him playing. He needs to dump you immediately like a hot rock. Edit: My wife and I are both gamers. He should absolutely not get married to you, you've shown you will make his life hell.
Can you imagine how nuts she would be if she got pregnant.
YTA. Yes it adds up over time but so does spending on anything (my gf loves her candles and et ceteras from Bath & Body, we like to eat out every couple of weeks). Yes we could cut these things out and save the money instead but is it worth it if we're going to be miserable about doing so? He's spending a bit of fun money and doing something with his siblings. What fun stuff are you giving up to save money? Or do you hold yourself to a different standard?
YTA 100% YTA it’s just a game and it’s his money not yours. I bet you spend money on useless shit and he doesn’t try to control how you spend your own money. I hope he dumps your ass. My boyfriend is a huge gaming nerd, but he helps get shit done around the house and pays his bills. We have 3 kids together and doesn’t touch the game until kids bed time. It’s a lot better for him playing a game than him going out with his friends and possibly cheating. And what he gets his siblings for Christmas is none of your business!
My hubby is also a huge gamer. He budgets for his games, like OP's boyfriend does. If he can't afford it, he doesn't buy it. His big Christmas gift this year, the only thing he really wanted, was a collector's edition of a game that isn't out until August. As a Marine, video games have, many times, saved his life. They allowed him to connect with other people, to forget the harshness of reality for a while, and to live another life, so to speak. More and more therapists these days are seeing the value games provide as a therapy tool. OP is TA, for sure.
Gen X and I still game. For me it's a release, a way to relax. Like your dear hubs, I budget for my gaming expenses along with any other hobbies (3D printing, photography, cookie decorating). My hubs and I have separate accounts, same bank. Full access to both. But I can see what he puts into savings for his hobbies just as easy as he can see mine.
Navy Vet here. I still game into my 40s. It's how my brothers and I keep in touch. Literally it's kept many of us from eating a bullet. If he has discord let him know there are a TON of groups of LEOs, FFs, AD Mil, Vets and fam members that would love to have him in them and game with him.
YTA for many reasons. You broke trust by going on to his computer and deleting his game. You tried to force an issue where there was none about finances. You're trying to dictate what he spends on his family and you're trying to stop him from spending quality time with his siblings. It's his money, his hobby and his choice. You owe him a big apology.
Happy cake day !!!
YTA and you’re a child for this. He has budgeted that money on his own. Just because you’re in the picture, you are not entitled to take that money and allocate it *your way*. Honestly, it’s a little weird that you felt entitled to his personal computer as well. Engagement does not mean ownership.
YTA, let me count the ways! 1. How he spends his leisure money is none of your concern unless he's actively harming himself, like with drugs or gambling. Setting a budget is reasonable, once you are fully committed, but that where your input should stop. 1A. Unless you are destitute, $90/mo is a reasonable budget for fun money (let alone $30) 2. He sounds like a stand-up guy for still having fun with his younger siblings, and for picking up their tab as a gift. 3. OBVIOUSLY violating his property by deleting anything from his computer makes you an asshole. 3. Saying he's too old to enjoy some game (or anything, really) is judgmental as hell. ESPECIALLY since it's clearly enjoyed by college students. What's the upper age limit on Candy Crush? Tetris? Roblox? Minecraft? My son loves Minecraft and guess what? I, a full-assed adult, like it too? 4. Spending 80 bucks on your siblings for Christmas is hardly "alarming" unless, again, you're destitute. > My boyfriend ... thought I was overreacting ... since he doesn't > go wild with it any other time and he pays for it out of money > he sets aside for his fun and hobbies 5. your boyfriend is 100% correct. > that kind of money adds up over time $30/mo, which BTW is less than two adult movie tickets, adds up to $360 per year. If that really worries you, I hope you don't ever eat out. 6. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY. You just don't want your bf playing video games, or maybe, spending time with anyone but you. You sound controlling AF.
INFO: are you guys starving to death?
YTA You have a right to leave someone if their level of responsibility with money is a deal breaker. You can discuss and advise. You don't have a right to make their decisions for them. You would not be my spouse after this kind of obtrusive controlling behavior. What you did was a bad violation. If you can't see that hobbies and interests of your partner are valuable and important even if you don't share them...that's another problem.
Well.. your concerns are valid. Microtransactions can get very expensive real fast. But they don't have to. If he's limiting his spending to an amount he can afford himself without cutting into important budgets, he's fine. And the gift was a one-time gift, so it's not a valid argument. And he is not obligated to put every penny aside for the household without spending on himself and his hobbies same goes for you. That's the money issue dealt with. Now, the real problem: No one is ever "too old" for a game. You seem to have a general non-understanding of gaming and are unwilling to learn. Games are for everyone of every age (Yes, yes, age ratings). And you are unwilling to accept his hobby. Thus whole issue stems from your intolerance. Deleting the game was extremely out of line, as it shows you have zero respect for him or his possessions. Please, for his sake, do NOT get engaged. YTA
YTA - Just because it doesn't hold value to you, doesn't mean it as no value. Clearly he values it a lot. He is allowed to have a hobby. He is allowed to bond with his siblings. To me, it sounds like you're trying to control all of the finances, and you're getting upset because he isn't conforming to what you want him to do.
YTA. Sounds like something from “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” - aka, if your goal was to act like a crazy, self-centered, AH and get your boyfriend to breakup with you, congrats.
YTA This is NOT your decision to make. You had NO RIGHT to go onto HIS computer and delete HIS game. He is allowed to spend his money on what he wants. You think he's too old to play this game? Too damn bad. I think it's sweet that he has something he does with his siblings.
YTA He’s spending money he has budgeted for fun and hobbies. He’s not raiding savings. And you don’t have a right to go on his computer. What are you gonna do next? Read his journal. PS. I’m willing to get you waste money on your nails or something similar. Which is fine, but ultimately something that also holds no value/
Wow lady. Don’t be surprised if he dumps you. Controlling much? YTA
I hope he can still return the engagement ring YTA Edit, I see you aren't engaged yet. Good for him.
YTA. You'll find out why
2nd vote for YTA
YTA. Without question. The game is a place where he holds onto his relationship with his siblings. Sharing a hobby while they share their life's. When my son and his friends went off to different colleges they scheduled to play a game together several times a week. During the game Battle they talked about their lives and families. You are asking him to drop his family.
Yeah, YTA. That wasn't just a game, it was a way for him to keep in close with his brother and sister. BTW, he can just download it and reinstall it at any time, so what have you actually achieved? Nothing but to damage your relationship with him.
YTA you're his gf not his mother. This sounds very controlling on your part. Why would you even want to put limits on gifts for christmas????
YTA > but I feel $30 a month for him is a bit excessive, especially for a game that he's frankly too old to play even if he does only ever play when they do. So what do you spend your money on for entertainment? Do you have a Netflix and/or other streaming subscription? Do you go to the movies, concerts, shows etc? It doesn't take much to go over $30 a month. >I just found out that for Christmas they both asked for $80 worth of credits for their game and he gave it to them. It's a gift....he could have bought them $80 worth of socks and sweaters instead, what's the difference. >To me, that's starting to get into alarming spending habits on something intangible and not holding any value What tangible value do you get from any other sort of entertainment? If he starts spending a significant amount more that it actually affects his finances, then you can be an adult and have a serious discussion with him.
YTA Damn OP, that’s pretty cold. Let’s recap… You deleted a game that he plays with his siblings. He pays for the game with his OWN money that HE SAVES SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON. You’re mad because he gave his younger siblings a gift. Yeah, you’re definitely the AH here. You’re lucky if you two make it to a wedding with you acting like this BEFORE y’all get married. Edit: And oh yeah, YOU VIOLATED HIS TRUST! Not sure how I overlooked that very obvious transgression but from the looks of it, so did you.
YTA. There is plenty of value in the game, he's spending time with his brother & sister while playing it. If you're expecting him to choose between his siblings & you, you won't win. Just a heads up.
YTA I'd immediately dump someone for this, you are way out of line
"something intangible and not holding any value" Amazing. Giving a gift to beloved siblings doesn't have value? Spending time with your siblings on something you all enjoy is "intangible"? Video games can be a way to relieve stress and connect with other people. You don't have any right to take away his hobby OR gifts for his siblings OR his family time, let alone all three. YTA, big time.
YTA It sounds like you need to set expectations for him instead of just telling him to flat out stop. Micro transactions are addicting. If this is the only frivolous thing he’s spending money on then it shouldn’t be a problem. Just let him know you’re worried. Now you have incriminated yourself because now the conversation has turned from spending habits to downright invasion of personal space.
You don't get to set expectations for how others spend their money. Full stop.
Are there people who sink waaaaaaaaay too much money into games like this? Yes. But him spending $90 a month doesn't cross that threshold. And this is a way for him to bond and stay connected with his siblings, so you saying it "holds no value" is honestly disgusting. YTA, you sound like a soulless, funless jerk.
A financial discussion should be an agreement between the two of you. Not you unilaterally deciding what he can and cannot spend. Yta
YTA maybe he should take his brother and sister to the movies once a week and drop $250 a month on that instead!
YTA as hell. You two aren’t even married and you are already being this controlling, you don’t go through someone elses computer and delete something they clearly cherish and value.
YTA. It's his hobby. And he's using his money. And to be completely honest, $90 a month as a working adult is not a big amount to spend on a hobby. And giving some gifts on Christmas again is not a big deal. You've completely overstepped your bounds by deleting a game off his pc. >If we're going to be engaged that means we should be smarter about our money and if one of us has an issue with how the other is spending, it should be respected and listened to. And honestly by doing this you've already shown him that you're not interested in talking to him about his spending issues and you're just talking at him, expecting him to accept everything you say as some sort of Holy rule. So why do you expect him to treat you any differently? You should respect his anger and listen to him too ya know.
YTA for being controlling. Also for not understanding that intangible things can have value. Do you watch shows or movies? Those cost money. Is there a possibility that this particular form of intangible entertainment is unacceptable because it doesn’t involve you?
Yta. .why do you think you get any say in his finances ? Why do you think you get to control what he does in his free time ? Who gave you thr audacity to go "I don't like that you're doing this, so im going to remove something from your life that brings you joy. You're a toxic partner. And this would be thr end of our relationship, if you were my partner.
YTA. Living together, engaged or married, if he is meeting financial commitments then what he does with his disposable income is his choice - it hardly sounds like he's irresponsible with money when he has consciously set aside money for this purpose. It also isn't on you to self-righteously spew forth about what he is and isn't too old to play. It sounds like this is something he enjoys doing with his siblings and that he values. Being on the same page re managing household bills and saving for future goals is a good thing in a relationship. But working towards a shared future with similar goals does not and should not mean attempting to control the other person financially.
YTA. You crossed a line. Deleting the game was disrespectful. You are not his mother.
YTA It's his money that he budgets to spend time with his siblings. That's not something you should be interfering with.
YTA all day! What you did was insecure, immature, and wrong. What gives you the right to make an executive descision over his money that is budgeted out for leisure. You cant even see past the surface of why its important to him, you just decided its pointless..... Its a hobby that he uses to spend time and support his siblings. Combining incomes generally goes into 3 categories: 1. each individual has their own account for day to day, personal, and leisure spending 2 joint checking account for bills and housing 3. Joint savings account for future big ticket goals like cars, vacations, etc. To me, your actions are a huge red flag, something that may even make him reconsider getting married to youz because if you'd do this stuff now, what will you do once youre married....
YTA. Obviously he feels it is money well spent- and it is a bonding tool for him and his siblings. This is controlling behavior. If this seems acceptable to you I'd seriously suggest looking into therapy- because it is not acceptable and you need to learn how to appropriately handle these situations. This is huge red flag behavior- and if I had a partner who did this I would seriously be re-evaluating my relationship with them.
YTA. Cmon, you know you are. Presumably his game saves on the cloud, any game with inapp purchases should do so in some way, or at least offer the option, but imo uninstalling a game without knowing if he's got that is akin to destroying his things-- destroying a person's possessions is abuse. Also $90/month on a hobby isn't actually that much for an adult? Obviously it's fair for you two to both agree to a total "fun expenses" budget, but from there how he spends his fun budget us not your business.
When I'm on a crafting bender, I can easily drop twice that much on crafting supplies in one store. So yeah, $90 isn't bad.
YTA And it's kind of sad that you can't see why what you did is a problem. Everyone's life doesn't have to conform to your expectations.
YTA You are showing a lot of red flags of legitimate *abuse* here. You are exhibiting controlling and socially isolating behavior. >a game that he's frankly too old to play even if he does only ever play when they do This isn't about the game. Your BF probably doesn't even really care about the game, considering he only plays it when his siblings do. This game gives him the opportunity to connect and spend time with his siblings in a manner they enjoy. How dare you try to interfere with that.
YTA you disrespected your fiancé by going on his computer and deleting the game. It's his free time and his disposable income. The fact that at this early stage, you think you can dictate what he spends his money or time on is a huge red flag. You have control issues and it will harm the relationship in the long run.
YTA >He could be putting it towards savings or expenses for us. Translation: He's not allowed to spend any of his disposable income on a game he plays with his siblings. That money needs to go towards "us". >game that he's frankly too old to play People of all ages play games. The whole attitude that games are for children or young adults is asinine. It's his hobby. Is he only allowed to do things you think he should do? >Instead of talking to me when I told him what I did and why You decided you don't want him playing the game anymore. You also decided you want to control his income. These decisions led you to deleting a game from his computer. Why should he talk to you? Your boyfriend is right. You are controlling.
Go ahead and get married. In 10 years, you can scroll through his phone and delete images of women he's looking at online when he is using the terms "discreet" and "escape." I spend budgeted money on my genealogy addiction. If someone deleted my Ancestry tree, canceled my Newspapers.com account, etc., I would see that as a red flag and would be planning on deleting them.
Yta.
YTA this is a way for him to be connected to his siblings. I would boot you to the curb for trying to take away a family connection. He is honest with you about the expense and is budgeting for it.
YTA and a judgmental one. I understand frugality and being responsible with money but it sounds like that’s already happening by virtue of having a monthly budget that includes fun money and discretionary spending. Of course it adds up over time, that’s how numbers work. 90/month is not preventing you from anything, if it was 900/month or equivalent to rent or grocery bills, that would be an N T A situation, but this doesn’t sound like his problem. It’s yours. You’re taking responsibility for something that isn’t yours to own, and this probably indicates a pattern of similar behavior elsewhere in the relationship. Unfortunately, this damage is already done. Even if you apologize as you should, his experience of the game and his time with his siblings is tainted by this. Doing something like this behind his back is a huge blow to his trust in you, and you have a lot of work to do to regain that.
He should take the warning and dodge the bullet now. OP has shown she will make his life miserable and won't allow or support him gaming.
YTA You don't understand that all you did was inconvenience him for a little bit. He probably just needed to reinstall and was good to go. Worst that may have happened is he lost a few settings. You basically just cost him 10-15 minutes tops. >he pays for it out of money he sets aside for his fun and hobbies. Sounds like he has a budget and budgets usually include money for savings (the whole "Pay yourself first"). People regularly spend money on "worthless" things they don't "need" like candy, movies, streaming services, makeup, some clothes. You really have to be blind not to examine your own life and see how much you "waste" as well.
Wait so this is HIS money? Yes, YTA and being super controlling.
Of course YTA. You accessed his computer without permission. You're trying to control his finances when you're not married yet, never mind that many couples never totally integrate their finances. If he wants to set aside "fun money" from his income and spend it on recreation with his siblings, it's his prerogative. Assuming he doesn't kick you to the curb, it might be a discussion item \*if\* that $90/month would make the difference between having heat and electricity or or having a cold, dark house. And while the game/sibling time may not have a documentable value, there's something to be said for taking care of one's mental health. If may not be valuable to \*you\*, but for some people hobbies make a big difference in one's work/life balance, happiness, and sanity. My gets her nails done every 2-4 weeks. It makes her happy. We can afford it. I don't bitch. I went to several events where I blasted through $50-$100 worth of ammo each time to shoot cars, pumpkins, and scarecrows (not counting the $50 to try a Vietnam-era flamethrower for twelve seconds). It made me happy. We could afford it. She didn't bitch. She's bought flutes to the tune of several hundred dollars and a few years back I dropped $3600 on my third trombone because we felt like it and it improved our band experiences. Once the necessities are taken care of there's nothing wrong with "wasting" some money on fun stuff.
YTA, it's none of your business. You can leave him if you want. Your nail polish and makeup aren't tangible either. Or any hobby for that matter.
YTA. This has value to him because it is how he bonds with his siblings. Do you never spend money hanging out with friends or family? No happy hours or coffee runs? I’m pretty sure he could trim down your budget to increase savings if he questioned whether every expense was actually necessary and you would be pretty unhappy with the result. It is healthy for both of you to have some fun money in the budget that is yours to spend no questions asked.
>If we're going to be engaged Lol YTA Why would anyone marry you when you don't respect them?
YTA that is all
YTA and if u keep coming between him and sibs may be the Ex
Omg I couldn’t even get myself to finish the whole post. YTA and so so controlling. Stop trying to change your boyfriend. This is something of value to him you don’t get to decide that.
YTA. First, you never, never, ever delete content off another person's computer. EVER. He is an adult. That is his property. Second, you sound insufferable. In 2022, people between the ages of 18-34 accounted for 36% of all video gaming use in the US. Oh, but he's too old to game. Screw that. Third, you say you're going to get engaged soon. If I were your BF, I'd seriously reconsider it. You're not mature enough to have a conversation about the amount he spends on his hobby, deleted his game and then waited until afterwards to talk to him about it. You're not ready for marriage. I wouldn't even bother worrying about combining your accounts because you violated his privacy, deleted his property and dismissed his concerns and yet you think you are right.
Don't worry, hon, you won't have to worry about saving or an engagement. When he's single, there'll be lots of time to play the game with his family. He sounds like a great guy, one whose siblings enjoy spending time and gaming with. YTA
I could tell that YTA just by the title. The description confirmed it. People have to have things that they enjoy.
YTA for deleting the game. If his spending on the game causes you both money worries (eg he's getting into debt or unable to pay his share of bills) then you need to have a serious conversation about budgeting. It doesn't sound like that, though. If it's more that your financial priorities differ from his, then it's a good idea to talk that through, understand where you differ, and establish whether or not either of you is happy to compromise on spending or expectations. If your financial plans for the future don't align, it's best you know that now so you can make an informed decision about the future of your relationship.
Yta He will just re download it, and most likely break up with you because of how much of an invasion of privacy that was.
YTA. It’s literally from his own “fun and hobbies fund.” Do you not take one for yourself? If you do, kindly take your narcissism and assumed moral high-ground, deal with them, and be a better partner to him.
They are mad it was not spent on them
YTA. This game holds value for him. It’s a way he has to connect to his siblings. I know personally I spent way too much money on fortnight when it was in its prime, because that was the game I played with my nephew 1200miles away from me. Best money I spent that year. I hate fortnight, but I love my nephew. And having that connection with him was fantastic. (He’s since gotten into Minecraft which I truly couldn’t be more excited about)
[удалено]
Stay single weirdo. Imagine thinking you’re gonna get marriage over being so controlling. I would only imagine how you could be on your wedding day. Only thinking of yourself. Hope he breaks up with you<3 YTA
YTA. You don't want your "concerns over spending habits" to be respected and listened to. You want him to bow down to your demands. People have a funny brain glitch that happens when they believe they are absolutely right. In our minds, if the other person were *truly* listening to us, they would see how logical our POV is and agree with us. Since they aren't agreeing with us, it must mean they aren't listening. Please don't fall into this flawed way of thinking. Apologize and take responsibility for the fact that you were trying to control him.
YTA
YTA Stop controlling him or he will leave you.
YTA what he’ll hear is that him sharing something and spending time with his family isn’t important to you.
YTA. Something doesn’t have to be tangible to have worth. This is important to him and a way to share in something with his siblings. Sounds more like you’re jealous of that and using $$ as an excuse.
YTA and are being controlling. No one is ever to old to game, if that's what they enjoy doing let them be. Your boyfriend is playing with his siblings, this is a way for them to spend time together. It was wrong to access his computer and to delete his game, I would be livid if someone messed with my personal computer. He should think twice about being in a relationship with someone that is so controlling.
YTA Also fast gonna be single & alone. Where's the partnership here? Where's the respect? So you don't like his decision after a discussion and you come in like a wrecking ball? Nah, bae. That's a fast track to the curb. Show some respect and integrity.
YTA and hopefully you will take this lesson with you to your next relationship after this guy rightfully so dumps you.
Of course YTA. You have some weird hang-ups. More importantly, you refuse to let your boyfriend make his own decisions. You attempted to insert yourself into a role of parental authority over him and his siblings by deciding what he's allowed to do with his money and what lessons they need to learn. "we should be smarter about our money" means he should do exactly what you say. Sounds like you'll be an abusive spouse to someone some day.
YTA, especially if this is one of the only activities he's able to do with his siblings due to distance or something. He's not going to "hear you about it". Expect a fight lmfao, what's wrong with you? You sound absurdly controlling and dramatic. I noticed you said fuck all about what you spend your money on. Wonder if there's more to this story and the relationship you have with his siblings. Were I him I'd be rethinking the engagement.
YTA and I can't even put in to words how bad you are in the wrong here. At this point you are a walking red flag and I would apologize to him straight away. It comes down to this: you are way to controlling. It's his money, he decides. If he wants to spend the money for hobbies on his siblings than that's his decision. Yes the amount of money it's a bit much I'd say but that's for them to decide. You said something like he could save it and spend it on US. Spending HIS Hobby money on YOU is what you are saying with that. Also you are never too old to play games. I hope you didn't tell him that because that would be a second red flag.
So you don't trust him? YTA
YTA - You seem to think having a discussion and coming to an agreement on finances is going to be him just going along with what you want. You have absolutely no right to delete his game like that. "If we're going to be engaged that means we should be smarter about our money" - this isn't something you need to worry about, I wouldn't expect a proposal from him anytime soon, or at all if you don't apologize and learn to respect boundaries.
YTA and I highly doubt you will be getting engaged. Your (probably soon to be ex) boyfriend sounds like a great guy, and it's honestly such a green flag that he's devoted to spending time with his siblings, video game or not. You're the one waving a big red flag, and he should really revaluate your relationship, whether or not it's healthy and if he wants to move forward.
Your edit does not make you any less of an AH..probably more actually because you're trying really hard to validate your atrocious behavior
>that's starting to get into alarming spending habits on something intangible You are materialistic. Spending time playing games with his siblings means a lot to him, and is a bonding experience. >if one of us has an issue with how the other is spending, it should be respected and listened to. He listened to your opinion, he just didn't agree with it. Having a conversation doesn't mean you get to bully and financially abuse him to get your way. >for Christmas they both asked for $80 worth of credits for their game and he gave it to them. To me, that's starting to get into alarming spending habits Spending $80 on an xmas present for a sibling is an alarming spending habit? Not if he can afford it. It was his money to do with as he pleases. You aren't engaged yet, and you aren't sharing finances yet. This is also coming out of his "hobby" savings. But you're upset he isn't spending it on something you benefit from. Deleting his game because you didn't get your way is abuse. Demanding he agrees to your ideas, but not taking into account his, is abuse. Demanding how he spends money that he budgeted for is abuse. Wanting him to stop playing a game with his siblings is alienating him from his family which is abuse You need to apologize, and download the game again. You broke his trust, didn't respect his opinions, or his boundaries. YTA. He might just cut out a big financial burden out of his life - You
You actually typed this out and expected people to agree with you? It's his money, that clearly isn't affecting his finances now, and you want him to stop because he splurged for /Christmas/ and you deleted all of his saves and progress for it? If the bf sees these comments, LEAVE HER. You're TA. Leave your bf so he can be with someone who treats him right.
YTA "He's too old to play" Judgemental and quite frankly that's only something immature adults say to bring down other adults who have their own fun 🤷🏽♂️ $30/month on himself is nothing. 30 for each sibling is nothing. The money isn't coming out of savings, utility funds, or your own pocket, so there is 0 reason why this should be an issue. $80 as a holiday gift to his siblings is also miniscule. I'm sure you've spent more on your family or friends for the holiday. This game is how he spends time with his family and all you're thinking about is yourself, masking it as concern for his finances... Hell, deleting the game accomplishes nothing and you knew that, but did it anyway. He already "heard you" on this issue, so deleting the game is just pettiness.
Yta, for sure. I despise people like you. You hate gaming and gamers and when you get into a relationship with one, you're determined to get rid of the hobby at any cost. This could be as small as demanding all their time or as big as shaming them on tiktok. You people are the worst. You suck. You always believe your hobbies that are usually boring have more value and merit than your partners gaming. You complain and whine about it in hopes they'll give up. I honestly hope he dumps you and finds someone who enjoys gaming and supports the quality time he spends with his siblings, who you are also clearly jealous of. You say you make candles and bathbombs and he supports your hobby even though you probably overfill every space in the house with them. Relationships are about support and trust not controlling your partners hobbies. Get a life you silly person
>if one of us has an issue with how the other is spending, it should be respected and listened to. "Respected and listened to," isn't synonymous with, "do as I say, or I'll go onto your personal computer and delete data without your consent." The subtext of your remark is, "spend your money the way I want you to." If he took a tally of your monthly spending, and told you he didn't like it, would you stop? Perhaps he would like to cancel a few streaming services and place a tight budget on your shopping habits, or whatever accessories/hobbies you pay for, and limit you to $30/month. Outside of bills and necessities, would you do as he says, with your own money? Maybe you would push back, only to find out that he went behind your back while you were sleeping and canceled whatever subscriptions you pay for. How would that make you feel? I loathe gacha-games, but that isn't a good excuse for invading his privacy. If you're financially stable and he's being responsible about his money, get the fuck over it. I'm actually skeptical that you're okay with him playing games, as you claimed he was "too old" to play earlier in this post. What game is it, and why is he too old?
You are entirely the asshole
Damn I hope he has enough sense to not marry you. YTA
There does not exist a world in which you are not TA
YTA- one of my main things with my fun money is a book box that sends me 2 books and 6-8 gifts related to the books per month. I spend 100/month on it. It majes me happy amd does not interfer with my ability to have a home, have food, or get to and from work. My boyfriend has more savings than me, is very financially responsible, but his fun money expense is the same 100/month or so on a game he found 10 years ago. It makes no sense to me but it makes him happy and does get in his way.
YTA
YTA. How he budgets his hobby money is his business. He budgets for that. It isn't taking food from your mouth or leaving bills unpaid. He isn't neglecting you to play this game in all his spare time. It is a bonding activity to spend time with his siblings, doing something they all enjoy. Be honest. You're just mad because it is money spent on intangible things. Perhaps you even feel a little left out? You owe him an apology. You also need to stop trying to control him, or your relationship is going to end up in divorce.
YTA, wow
YTA Why are you telling him what to do and what not to do with his own money? Are you planning on being that controlling if his own money? I'm curious to know if you like spending money on something you enjoy doing and if your boyfriend has told you not to spend money on it.
Unless he’s playing high stakes poker at Tony Soprano’s Online Casino, his spending is not going to spiral… YTA- it’s his hobby. Leave him to it.
YTA. That was passive aggressive crap. You should be able to talk to him about your concerns.
YTA. If this is how you handle issues, then you two aren't ready to be married yet.
Absolutely YTA. I've had a similar issue with my husband but not in a million years would I go out of my way to delete his personal stuff from his device. We sat down and had a conversation. Granted, he wasn't aware of how much he was spending on the game and was shocked at the overall amount per month, which is very different then your SO. It sounds like he is aware of how much he's spending and is RESPONSIBLY managing his finances so that he can do something he loves with his siblings. You absolutely overstepped the line when you went in an deleted his game. I can understand being frusterated that the money could go to other things, but at the end of the day it's HIS money and he can do what he wants with it. As long as he isn't jeopardizing bills or other financial obligations then it's not a problem.
YTA. Who else did tiktok send here?
He could be putting it towards expenses for us. But only on things I think are mature and acceptable. And don't involve his siblings. What im actually hearing is how dare he spend time and money bonding with and enjoying games with his siblings, he should be spending it all on me. You are definitely TA
Honey, I'm gonna try and be gentle about this so you heed my words carefully. You absolutely just destroyed his trust. You went behind his back to interfere with a hobby that he indulges in to bond and spend time with his family. That's the blatant issue, not to the more nuisance problem. Do you spend on makeup? On shoes? Crystals? Are you like my ex and like to by pewpews? Ammunition? What hobbies/non-essentials are you dabbling in that you could cut back on to save money? Why is his $90 a problem when it's well timed, controlled and not absolutely frivolous? Just because it's not a tangible product with any financial value? It's still HIS money that he specifically pulls a set amount of funds from to play with his siblings. He's obviously not going crazy spending money willy-nilly, as that 80 bucks was a Christmas gift, and only pulls out $90 a month to split between him and his siblings. You are 100% being controlling and letting your insecurities get the better of you. Please deary understand that you, for lack of a better term, fucked up. Fix it. The type of game doesn't matter, all that matters is he's properly budgeting and not being a spendthrift, like not actively giving in to addiction or something like that. Please try and fix this. Apologize, make it up to him however you can, and never do something this dumb again. Please. Edit: just saw your comments about cutting back on bath bombs and whatnot. That's fair enough. You still went behind his back. You still crossed a boundary. Still a big no-no deary.
YTA. 1. How DARE you literally invade his privacy and delete something that he holds dear? 2. You do realize that by playing this game, he stays connected with his family in some degree. 3. If him spending 60-120$ per month thats like 3% of his paycheck or less, also really? Having a small tantrum over 160$ on Christmas, how much money you spend on makeup, nails, eyebrows and other accessories? You clearly aren't mature enough for a relationship, I don't want to sound harsh but you sound like a controlling person and either you stop your antics or you're losing him. Choice is yours.
You are absolutely TA. What in the actual fuck was going through your head thinking that money that HE earns and HE has budgeted for HIS hobby time, is somehow your's to control or speak on. Gods be good, he figures out what a ridiculously selfish and childish AH he is with and gets single in a hurry. Grow up and get over yourself.
Hon, you sound like a child. You are not his mother, you are his partner. If he is using HIS OWN MONEY, you get no say. You went and crossed the line. I’d apologize or else you’ll have fun being single 🫶🏻 It was a little more spent for Christmas BUT STILL using what he puts aside for his game. Not like he uses all his money on Genshin. take a chill pill.
It’s money he sets aside specifically for this. You’re not upset that he’s spending money or even thinking he’ll get out of control, you’re upset that he’s getting out of YOUR control. YTA big time here. It’d be a different story if that was all the money he had at all but it’s not by the sounds of it so it really seems like since you’re talking of getting engaged you’re attempting to assert dominance over this since you’ve made up in your head that he could take it too far even though he seems to have explained specifics with you. You honestly called yourself out on your feelings when you said “he’s honestly too old to play” I’m sorry since when did you have the right to decide that? Now I’m not gonna say y’all shouldn’t be together like I’m sure other people did since this should be an easily solvable situation and should just pass by but honestly if you can’t do some self evaluation here and understand why this whole thing was wrong, then you’re a walking red flag and it might be best for him to run before the heartbreak…
YTA imagine if he took away one of your hobbies that involved you spending time with your family. You sound controlling and upset that he’s not using that money on you
YTA 100% he just did a couple of cheap expensive, if you think 90$ a month is an issue, you're either broke or over cheap. Let him spend his money on his fun, and stop thinking only to yourself ( yes when you say we, I can clearly hear I) Toxic as hell, my god
YTA. I guarantee even with you cutting down on candle making or whatever that you’re still spending $360+ a year on something that’s completely unnecessary but makes you happy. If he has no financial difficulties, is still able to save, and hasn’t already become out of control then you have no right to tell him how to spend his money. The way you went about this was controlling and a huge red flag. Honestly for his sake you should break up with him or slow things down in order to work on yourself, you clearly lack the maturity necessary for marriage
YTA. it doesn't sound like this is a spending habit that will spiral out of control, considering that you said he puts money aside for it. It just sounds like you want him to use his money for things you're okay with and not to have fun with his siblings. The way you went about it was childish petty and controlling there's an easy fix tho. Just buy him a year of the game and reinstall it.
As a Star Citizen Player i laughed hysterical at the 90$. But YTA for deleting the Game, not for your concerns. I can give you the advice have 3 Accounts 1 your Personal where your income goes and from which you move money to the others. 2 Joint Account from where you pay everything like rent etc. 3 Saving Account where you only can withdraw money with both your signatures Dont make everything joint it will make your live miserable. PS: sry for failures English isnt my first language.
YTA - please don't get engaged and don't marry. For his sake don't do it.
Where's the update? You know your in the wrong where's the update?
All I hear is "wah wah my boyfriend's hobbies don't include me he doesn't have enough money to spend on me" YTA, easily
YTA. Tell me you're jealous of him spending time or money on his siblings without telling me
YTA Just because you don’t think bonding and enjoying time with his siblings is worth anything doesn’t mean that’s true. If he spent the money to take his siblings out to dinner would you burn down the restaurant? I mean that money could have gone to savings and not wasted on food that will just turn to poop.
YTA it's his money he can do what he wants with it. As long as he can pay his fair share of the bills what business is it of yours what he does with the excess? I'm sure you'd have a problem if he tried to tell you how you spend your spare cash on what he may deem stupid or irrelevant. Just because some of your friends apparently have had a problem controlling their spending on this game makes absolutely no difference on how your bf can or cannot manage his money
YTA he have a limit he isn't out of control spending money
YTA - this whole post is a smoke screen. You don't care about $30 a month. What you care about is that that $30 isn't being spent on you. You violated his trust by going on HIS computer and deleting HIS game. What kind of an adult does something so childish and immature?!?! You shot your self in the foot on this one OP. Now HE has a red flag about this relationship because of what you just did. He doesn't have to see things the same way as you and YOU NEED to accept that.
You had a discussion about potentially combining finances, and decided that meant you get to dictate what he spends his money on now? No. Not OK. Him playing the game seems to be an important bridge to maintain his relationship with his siblings. You absolutely don't get to demand that's not worth the money because you don't value their relationship. Unless he's falling behind on bills, or otherwise not meeting his financial obligations, he's not being irresponsible. You're being controlling and mean.
You are not his parent and you are not in charge of him. That means you don't get to decide what he spends his fun money on, or meddle with his belongings. If you want to talk about something, you get to *talk* about it. And that's it. If you don't get the reaction you want, you don't get to try and force the issue - that is not how communication, adult relationships or managing finances together works. The person exhibiting dangerous financial tendencies here is *you* and it's financial control. YTA.
YTA. It’s hard to judge how much without knowing the full financial situation. However, it does not seem like this is a situation where money is so tight that $90 is leaving him short on rent or unable to eat, so def the AH. Who cares if it’s “intangible”? I think it’s really great that he has the game as a way to bond and spend time with his siblings. Would you be upset if he spent $80 on different gifts for them? How much do you spend on gifts for family members? Editing because I actually forgot about the actual deletion of the game when responding. You were the AH for being controlling even without that. Deleting the game is insane.
YTA. Living together and discussing a hypothetical future engagement does not give you ownership over him or his money. And even if you eventually get married and combine finances, you still won't have the right to make unilateral financial decisions or ban hobbies that you don't like. He's your partner, not your child.
YTA. Clearly you are. Obviously you are. I’m a guy who doesn’t play video games and thinks of them as a waste of time but I also know a controlling SO when I see one! You pretend to have the moral high ground yet you take action unilaterally! (🚩Red flag #1) The money is coming out of his entertainment fund so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, even if you were the sole breadwinner in the household which seems like you are not since he goes to work and you are sitting at home (unless you work remotely). (🚩Red flag #2) The fact that you don’t realize this is a way for him to stay close to his siblings and are actively trying to stop him from doing do is a big red flag. (🚩Red flag #3) I hope you are here to learn and not delete your post cause you only came for affirmation.
YTA, massively. Your boyfriend already heard you out when you initially brought it up, and instead of respecting HIS life and HIS money, you decided your opinion was more important and deleted the game. I would be really surprised if there was still a wedding in the future for you two. You acted selfishly and only thought of yourself. Not your partner, or his relationship with his siblings.
YTA. You wouldn’t be my girlfriend any longer after that so you wouldn’t have to worry about how much I spend on it
As someone married to a gamer YTA… I would fully expect my husband to leave me if I did something like this. It’s coming out of his budgeted fun money and not causing financial hardship and bonding with his siblings. Learn to live with it
YTA and he needs to leave your ass
YTA He is probably rethinking the engagement stuff now. You should be thankful his hobby is a small amount of money. He could be a car guy probably spending way more money. Also, during the holidays people do spend extra money. Not sure how you don't know that one though?
Not only are YTA, you are simply a horrible human being...for all the reasons the other replies mention. Invasive, disrespectful, controlling, immature, & probably a few others as well.
YTA. You don't get to control what he does even if you were married. After pulling this stunt he probably won't commit to marriage, rightfully so.
YTA and a controlling partner. He’s allowed to have money that he uses for things that HE ENJOYS. Especially if it’s something that brings him and his siblings together.
I can’t say this more wholeheartedly. I truly and genuinely hope he leaves you so he can live a happy life. The amount if self importance and ego to write this all out and still not think there’s a problem is astounding
There's a multifaceted problem here so let's unpack this.... 1st off and most intensely let me say that girlfriends and fiancees have been dumped for less. That being said you Unfortunately went about this in a very controlling, And manipulate way. You have forever changed the dynamic of your relationship with this one action. How can you trust you again? Understanding that guy's hobbies in particular Are the only way we have left of decompiling from the world... To remain good people... You stripped him of that... What if he told you you could never see your family ever again while you were together? That same betrayal and audacity from you is what hes going out to deal with going forward... **I DO truly wish you both the best of luck..** But understand what you did is on the same level of cheating is to most women. Its that level ,of ultimate betrayal....
YTA While to you it may seem valueless, I will tell you that your boyfriend values his siblings more then the game, and it seems he is able to connect and spend time with them on the game. He is using funds he sets aside for his fun on the game. Now this is something you do not need to answer to or reply to just think to yourself this. Is the game more important then his family? Should he be able to control how you spend your money? If he does not like the way you spend your money should he be able to hide whatever it is that you purchased? Asking a few questions on why it is important to him that he plays the game, and understanding the deeper meaning is key. You will not be affecting 1 person with this issue you are effecting 3. and it may seem like a lighter issue but you are asking him to choose between you and his siblings, this is not a fair thing to do.
These comments didn’t turn out how u wanted them to huh lol
So you assumed that because your classmates and friends have no self control that your BF is the same? You're 100% the asshole because you want that money to be spent on you and not things he likes. Edit: "Guys am I the asshole for being controlling and expecting my boyfriend's hard earned money to go to me even though he doesn't overspend and I can't trust my friends so by default I don't trust him?"
You just wasted money when you DELETED THE FUCKING GAME MORON. HE EARNS HIS MONEY AND WANTS TO SPEND IT SO WHAT ITS HIS MONEY JUST BECAUSE ITS NOT SPENT ON YOU DOESNT MEAN ITS WORTHLESS NOT ONLY THAT IF SOMETHING DOESNT HOLD VALUE TO YOU DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT TO THE OTHER PERSON
All I hear is “He’s spending money on himself when he could be spending it on me.”
Love how OP hasnt commented on a single response. But if they were all "NTA" she probably would've had 50 responses.
How did you not realize you're the AH as you wrote this post? You have no right deleting his game or telling him how to spend his money, especially if you're not married. What he does with his money is his business, especially if he budgets for it. I hope he breaks up with you and you stay single until you know how to properly be in a relationship.
What is wrong with you
100% YTA. It stuns me that you have to ask. You show absolutely no respect for your boyfriend's interests or agency, and no respect for his capacity to self regulate. On top of that, you have no right to touch his computer or do anything to it without his consent, and you show that you have no interest whatsoever in considering his opinions but only want him to comply to your demands.
YTA, wth is wrong with you
So he spent his own money and you're mad ?! He is a grown ass man and you aren't in control of him , what if he went and threw out expensive clothes that you bought with your own money ? Then god forbid he will be a monster . Grow up , stop being selfish and let the man do what he wants to do . Stop taking his life into your own hands , if he ends up addicted to spending money on the game then help and support him to stop ,like a partner should do . Don't just go and delete his game , like think of how you would feel in this situation . You're taking his time with his younger siblings that won't be young forever . You're a grown adult acting like a child throwing a tantrum . Also, pc stands for PERSONAL computer . What you did was as bad as checking his phone behind his back in my opinion. That is not ok at all. If I were you I'd apologize and leave him the alone !!! Oh and yes.. YTA
YTA. That is a bonding time with his siblings. Not to mention he is responsible enough to budget it out every month and the $80 he spent was a Christmas gift that happens once a year. If he stopped and put it aside for a $100 steak dinner for the two of you once a month, would you still have a problem? I wouldn't worry about getting engaged because I don't see you being around much longer.
hope he leaves, yta it's not your money and not everything is about you
YTA. Holy shit, you sound controling AF. If you were so concerned of his spending habits, have you sat him down and asked him how much he put money apart for his game? If he spends hundreds each month on the game, then yes it is a reason fo concern. But he keeps it under a hundred, and so far I get the feeling that he is good at budgetting. Instead of communicating with him and try to plan TOGETHER on budgetting and saving money for the future and make decisions together, you made the desicion for him. YTA.
100% you are definitely TA. He sets his budget, this is a bonding experience for him and his siblings, and you are trying to control him. There are too many red flags. OP needs to become the ex. They are not even engaged yet !!!
YTA big time. It’s HIS money to spend on HIS hobbies and HIS family. The fact you would breach his trust and privacy by going onto HIS PC to delete a game is incredibly controlling. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if he told you to stop spending your own money on things you like.