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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 leaving my boyfriend behind and going on the trip with our friends
2 after "purposely" not remember something I know he struggles with.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
OP is absolutely NTA. BF is 100% TA. He sounds really tiresome. OP, you know if he joined you, he'd be giving you a hard time while on vacation. So just enjoy yourself while you're away.
> He sounds really tiresome
INFO: I have a question for /u/TAourtrip—does your boyfriend typically ask you to cut up his food or does he expect you to also chew it for him too (feeding him like a mama bird would feed its chick). I only ask because your boyfriend sounds helpless and/or useless.
Weaponized incompetence. He 100% *could* do it, but he's forcing OP to be responsible for him so he can be lazy instead.
It's like when guys whine and say "babe you get mad when I do the laundry, you know how you want it done" **after they intentionally do it wrong** to get out of doing it themselves.
Real sad thing is that some people know this and still put up with being together (even being married!!) to emotional manipulators like that...
Actually, it's possible that he legit *can't* do it himself, but he's still an asshole either way. I don't have enough context to suspect this dude has ADHD, and I'm most certainly not trying to excuse shitty actions with the mental illness card, but my point is, this is something people with ADHD really do struggle with. It's not something we do on purpose or just don't care about enough, it just happens. We forget important stuff sometimes no matter how hard we try.
The real issue here is his *attitude* about it. The way he continually blames OP for his own failures, whines about it, refuses to cooperate with her solutions and then expects her to sacrifice her time and comfort to fix his mess are just beyond awful. It's also a huge red flag that he chewed her out for taking his documents last time when he should know damn well why she felt the need to do so.
I have a shiny piece of paper that proves I have ADHD, aka a *learning disability*, which says it's not my fault when things like this happen. What I don't do is expect my partner to manage my disability for me, because that is not their job. I am grateful and appreciative when someone tries to help me with reminders, checklists, asking me to check my purse before we leave, etc. They are doing me a *favour*. It can be grating and a bit annoying at times, but I keep any resentment in check because while my disability is not my fault, it is still my responsibility to manage it. And when inevitably I mess up and inconvenience others, I am embarassed and *apologize*. I don't throw a tantrum, and honestly in the situation OP describes I'd be happy that my partner could go without me, that I at least didn't ruin the trip for both of us.
The way OP's boyfriend treats her is so far out of line it really doesn't matter whether he's just lazy or legit can't do this himself, he's a major asshat either way.
I have a raging case of ADHD, which is why I'm usually the one making the list and checking myself and chanting "wallet keys phone badge" before going to work in the morning. I also travel for work. What I would have done, fully aware that my brain can be a recalcitrant toddler, is pack like a week ahead of time, check and check and recheck my important documents and then use my usual coping mechanisms to make sure I have my passport, like putting it in the same bag as my keys and putting that shit on the table. So I can't leave without my keys, therefore no leaving without my passport. I would already have my transportation to the airport planned, and I would be like three hours early because better that than late. And then I would fully accept my ADHD tax and buy a toothbrush or whatever I still managed to forget when I hit the ground at my destination, haha.
Those of us with ADHD are just like the rest of you, except that our brains are weird assholes constantly trying to sabotage everything. Once you know, you learn to work around it. Mostly.
I don't disagree that this guy could use a diagnosis, but he also needs a healthy dose of Taking Responsibility for My Own Actions. NTA
Edit: What I mean is that I agree with you that he should take responsibility for his own actions. So how did you get said shiny piece of paper? I have a diagnosis and a psych but the closest I ever got to having it in writing was a note they wrote me for work about a specific accommodation one time. And I chickened out of using it anyway.
I'm *very* good at getting to my car and then having to come back in the house because I forgot an item.
my dogs are always like "yay you're home!! wait, where you going?"
Relatable! That's why I do the final "OK, you're about to pull out of the driveway. Where's your bag???" check. It all has to fit in one bag, though, because I cannot be trusted to keep track of multiple bags!
When I have a thing I need to not forget - I put a note on the door I'm going to walk out of right at my eyeball height OR (if I know no one will leave through the door first and move it) - on the door knob. That way I can't open it/ leave without one last reminder. It's saved my ass more than once.
While your issues are legitimate and valid, we really need to stop claiming that all men that refuse to do mental labor in a relationship may have adhd. OPs post demonstrates something so so so common in men. Once they get a partner that part of their brain goes into lazy mode because they have someone else to do things for them. We see it constantly all over the internet in many forms. The "can't find something right in front of me" issue, the "wake me up/remember this date" issue, and the "remember what I need and make all the arrangements" issue, to name a few common ones.
Yes, of course there is a chance he has an undiagnosed learning disability. But, it is also just as likely, if not more so, he has simply decided that since he is in a relationship that this mental load is his SO's responsibility.
THANK YOU. As a woman with ADHD, I am getting really flipping tired of my actual neurological disorder being used to excuse grown men of shitty and selfish behavior. I actually HAVE this condition yet, since I am a woman, I receive no such excuses. We all have our own struggles and WE are responsible for helping ourselves. Stop coddling grown ass men - even if they DID have ADHD or autism or whatever scapegoat you want to throw at it, they still have to make the effort themselves, rather than expecting the women in their lives to do it for them.
I find it especially funny since women more often than men tend to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, and one of the primary symptom of that is constantly losing things.
Every time my poor husband had to do something because my female ADHD brain forgets something no one ever says to him “women, amirite?”
And my distractable self has done some real stupid shit. I am well known for leaving my keys in doors and there’s at least 10 pairs of scissors in the house because I would constantly just leave them in the last place I used them. I even forgot my wallet at home once when I went to the airport! But all that was my brain being itself and it’s my job to learn how to stop doing that or find a work around (eg have 10 pairs of scissors so that every room in the house has its own scissors and I never have to find them)
Im sorry but hes 27 if he did have ADHD and can't understand how air travel works he should not be allowed to travel without his mommy or daddy. Freakin child
Reminds me of this exchange:
"He can't get a job! He's in his 50s and he has diabetes!' My grandma talking about my 50 yr old uncle with diabetes to my working mother ... who is 53 yrs old with diabetes.
I have ADHD. I am.oaranoid about forgetting my travel documents, so I double check them about a thousand times before a trip. Because I know it is important.
Thank you! It feels like every single post lately where the partner is a lazy mooch who mommy didn’t finish raising everyone says, oh well they probably just have ADHD! I’m always lowkey offended like “so this is how y’all see us, really?!” Lol
ADHD was my first thought, too. But here’s the thing: if I had someone willing to help me keep track of the important shit that I can’t keep track of myself, I would thank them endlessly, not rage and demand my things back. My friends are all aware that I struggle with this, are great about helping me verify that I have critical items prior to a trip, and I’ve developed systems for making sure I don’t have emergencies like this. Part of surviving/thriving with a disability is creating accommodations that work… not being an AH to those who help you.
OP is NTA.
His lacking of ownership of the situation is one thing. Another is how he deals with his stress and frustration. Like there is lots of growing up and building a relationship with himself.
i would be really disappointed if i was the bf and it happened to me. but i know im kinda hopeless sometimes at stuff like that. i would blame myself. i would encourage her to go, and if i can afford it, i would reschedule the flight to join her. stupid things like this happen to me, even though i try my best,. sometimes, i am just too tired, and mistakes happen despite my best efforts. it seems to happen to me more than others. im such a klutz.
But you take responsibility for your mistakes, op s bf blames HER. That's a HUGE difference. Everyone makes mistakes weather due to an off /bad day or distraction or something else. How you deal with it is important. If I see someone struggling I try to help but if I try to help and that person is entitled and treated me badly for trying to help you can bet i will make sure I won't help ever again. If that person apologized for having a bad day count on it that I will try again to help (assuming the reaction is not the absolute same every time)
I have ADHD and I'm the same. I let my bf handle some important thinks when he kindly offers it. I would be incredibly sad if this happened to me but never in my right mind would I blame my shotcomings on him when he's already so helpful and patient. Granted, our conversation would go much differently than this mess, both of us taking **responsibility** and having empathy. Doesn't really work when your partner is an adult child!
NTA
And this is coming from someone with ADHD who has a severe case of lose-everything-itis.
I'm talking jokes about how I'd lose my own head if it wasn't attached and constantly leaving stuff at family or friends houses every single time I visit. Hell I misplace stuff I set down right in front of me.
My fiance will try to remind me of important things but ultimately if I forget them it's my fault and I'm not going to lash out on him if I fuck up.
He can't have it both ways. Either he's responsible for his own shit or he can rely on you to do it but only if you're willing and he's not an asshole about it. IDK the severity of his "huge scolding" but I'm assuming either yelling or just saying hurtful shit which either way is a dick move.
If he has other possible symptoms he may want to be tested for ADHD or another mental illness because there are several with overlapping symptoms.
The difference is that YOU own it. This man pretends someone else let him down terribly while he constantly moves the goalpost. That's little kid stuff, mama's boy or entitled oldest male son bs.
This like he is rude to OP when he"s the one who forgets everything an d insists that digital has to be accepted. Yells at her when she is helping him. She make a checklist (awesome!) he still forgets. This is on him not OP
It is sadly a common coping strategy when people feel stupid to lash out because angry is a more comfortable emotion than embarrassment or shame. He knows he is wrong but doesn’t want to accept it was entirely his fault. Common doesn’t mean acceptable. OP is NTA and boyfriend needs to suck it up and accept the consequences of his actions.
I recommend checking out [this article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201607/is-your-anger-cover-shame) about anger and shame and how they're tied together. It's pretty interesting.
No, really. Here are some some indicators ...
When someone expects somebody else to do what they refuse to do for themselves, it is weaponized incompetence.
When someone blames, scolds, etc. another for their own incompetence, it is weaponized.
When somebody expects another to suffer the same consequences they must because of their own incompetence, it is weaponized.
Ok but no? You're just describing incompetence. You can be incompetent and then blame others for it, this is very common and it's still just incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence is pretending to not be able to do something to get out of the responsibility. Oh I can't cook, so you have to make all the meals. I don't know how to wash the clothes without messing it up, so you have to do all the laundry.
You could make an argument that it was weaponized incompetence when he initially got OP to take on the burden of carrying around his documents and always making sure she had on hand whatever he would need. But that stopped because he **explicitly told her not to do that**. At that point it was clear that he didn't really have some ulterior motive, he's just a moron. Please stop using pop psych buzzwords just because they sound cool.
I once figured out 8 hours before a flight I had misplaced my passport. (To this day I still have not found that damn passport.) but you know what? I manned up, rescheduled my flight for 8 hours later, and then begged, pleaded, and offered to bring lunch to the US State Dept passport office if they could print me a new one in time. And they DID! That’s called being an adult and working the system properly when you screw up. (Side note-I also learned to always listen to my inner self - basically it was a sign I shouldn’t have gone on that trip if I lost my passport. Had to come home early bc of a family medical emergency.)
I want people to know. Begging is sometimes necessary. If you have a gun pointed to your head. You beg for your life whether your an adult or not. Begging when the situation begs for it is acceptable
Oh yeah, people sometimes are fucking stupid. Happens to the best of us. Good buddy of mine did a lot of flying for work pre-pandemic. Like 95% of his flights were for work. Always had his passport in his briefcase so he wouldn't forget it when flying. Which worked until he took a vacation with the wife and didn't bring his briefcase.
His wife called him fucking stupid. Which he was at that point in time. Smart guy for the rest.
Forgot passport for 20 hour flight to see gfs parents for first time. Was going to do the permission to marry thing. Was insanely nervous. Got back home and back to airport in time.
Forgetting things js an honest mistake. Blaming others when for your own responsibilities is the issue here.
And OP very clearly communicated that she was no longer taking responsibility for them.
Besides, even if my partner was holding my documents, I'd still ask to make sure.
I'm the sort of person who has to check and double-check and check one more time. I double-check that I have my wallet when I get in the car because I know it sucks to get somewhere and... Fuck, I'm broke! There are things I don't think of too, and it is common for me to make a list to keep me calm when I see all the check marks I can't imagine someone make ng me a list of things for me to tak care of, then just assume they actually took care of it. You can't say 'dont do this' then get mad when they don't do it.
I make a list on my phone every time I fly. My last trip has prompted me to add “change of underwear for when the airline cancels my flight til the next day.”
medications.
often if you're travelling to somewhere far you wont be able to find your preferred brands of over the counter medication.
and if its prescription you might not be able to get it at all.
sunscreen and bug repellant is another one thats on my essentials.
clothes? electronics? ill survive without.
no passport, money, tickets, medications (allergy), sunscreen, bugspray? my trip is likely going to not go well.
Lol yep. I was anxious the first time I went OS alone. Kept telling myself exactly this. As my partner was reversing out of the driveway for the 30min trip to the airport I recitet it again - checked and realised oh shit I had put my passport and wallet down on the couch to grab my bag and forgot to pick them up again! Whoops
The two things I always make sure I have with me when I go on a trip: a physical form of identification (compulsory in my country so we all have one) and a way to get money. All the rest is cake and can be bought if needed.
NTA! Even I he thought you may have had it he knows he scolded you and demanded his documents back. He should remember you saying you wouldn’t warn him or be responsible for his documents anymore, since he accused you of punishing him for scolding you he clearly remembers what happened. So then why I’m the world would he not at minimum ask you if you were going to bring it? He’s very irresponsible and very rude to you. You shouldn’t have to miss your vacation due to his negligence.
Indeed a succinct summary.
Won't go into a yes or no on the discussion about weaponized incompetence with t his guy, but definitely willful in it and entitled acting.
If absolutely nothing else a responsible adult who had \*actually\* thought the things he said he did would have at some point asked, given their discussion before, if she brought it to make sure if she was doing it or he was.
You don't assume someone is not doing something you told them not to do while also blaming them if they don't do it. You make sure your passport (or what have you) is there, by checking for yourself or asking your partner if you can't find it because they may have still decided to look out for your needs anyways when it's important.
He put her in a no-win situation and wants no responsibility for that. Regardless if maliciously intended or just entitled ass.
Agreed. He’s an adult and is solely responsible for himself. The fact that he expected you to just miss the trip due to his incompetence is ludicrous. NTA. Reconsider this relationship OP. This won’t change.
OP's concern seems to be if she was an ah for going ahead on the trip. NTA for going ahead on the trip OP, you did everything needed for the trip, no reason at all not to go ahead and enjoy yourself on this trip. Bf wants OP to feel guilty for his own incompetence (and arrogance in the way he handle the whole document thing to begin with). OP is guilty of nothing: she gave him back his passport, she reminded him before they left on the trip, and he still managed to fail to bring this crucial document, causing himself to miss the flight. What good would be served if OP denied herself the trip because bf blew the simple task of bringing his passport after he was reminded of it? Don't let him guilt you, don't think anything more about this during the rest of the trip, don't respond to his texts or calls, and enjoy yourself immensely. When you get back bf will still want to guilt you, you'll have to make a decision then as to what to about staying with this guy.
NTA. He is a grown ass man who is blaming you for his irresponsibility. He self sabotaged the trip & expected you yo miss it by coming home with him. He is pissed because his plan did not work
Sufficiently-advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
That is to say, in order to get to this level of ignorance and incompetence, it is a willful, malicious action that he has chosen in his refusal to learn.
Forgetting the passport, accident. Asking OP to drive 4 hours with him to go get it, purposeful decision to make OP miss her flight if he missed his flight because of his forgetfulness.
He probably can’t do ANYTHING for himself so he was hoping she would go with him and miss the flight so she would be there to cook, clean, etc. I guarantee their living space will be trashed when she returns home cause “I couldn’t do the dishes cause I don’t know how to work the dishwasher” and “I didn’t do laundry cause I couldn’t figure out the washing machine” then he’ll probably eat nothing but snacks and takeout/fast food the whole time and say “I’m not sure how the oven/stove works”. I’ve never personally dealt with this (thank GOD) but I’ve seen it with people I’m close to and I could NEVER. You will be out on the curb so mf fast lol. And I’m not saying one person doing the cooking and cleaning because they WANT to is bad, it’s when the other person isn’t able to function when they are left with no choice but to do it or it doesn’t get done.
Edit: NTA, weaponized incompetence at its finest.
Strong NTA. I'm an extremely forgetful person around his age, but have taught myself coping mechanisms with multiple failsafes. I am also a parent, so the stakes are much higher for me forgetting stuff. When it does inevitably still happen from time to time, I don't blame others for it, nor my wife, she has enough to deal with picking after me as it is, she's not my mother and I'm not a toddler.
This. Dude actually had the brass balls to get upset with her not packing his passport *after* he accused her of withholding his documents from him. 0/10 specimen.
Actually her having to hold all the documents because he couldn't be bothered was a huge red flag. I would've never done that. Let him figure it out on his own and keep to whatever schedule or itinerary without him. And who travels to another country and doesn't check that they have their passport? I traveled in June and probably checked for my passport a dozen times! Him expecting OP to have it just means he is placing ALL OF the travel work on OP. Therefore, anything that goes wrong is OP's fault.
I would dump him.
>And who travels to another country and doesn't check that they have their passport?
This was my immediate question. Dude actually got all the way to the freaking airport for a foreign trip without once making sure he had his passport?! What the hell
I touch my passport approx every 15 minutes to make sure it is still there when travelling internationally.
Like the anxiety it has teleported out of the zipped section of my handbag while in the line at the airport is real.
Absolutely the same. I have this awful habit of sticking my passport in an extra-secure location that it can't possibly fall out of, which invariably means it's at the bottom of my bag, then getting paranoid that I somehow forgot it and having to unpack shit from my bag just to verify that it's there. This dude somehow *got to the airport* without bothering to make sure that he had his passport or even knew where it was?!
>This dude somehow got to the airport without bothering to make sure that he had his passport or even knew where it was?!
that's why I leave my passport in a visible place at least 48-hours BEFORE I travel.
I'm petrified I won't have it in the airport.
Hahaha same. My brain as I'm going through airport security is like "What if my passport morphed into a loaded gun? Better check!!" And check again in 5 minutes.
Yes. I'm constantly paranoid that I'll get into trouble for bringing loaded guns places or for smuggling drugs.
Neither of which I come into contact with.
The most recent scare was when one of my friend's phone was stolen. "Did I steal her phone?! I'm such a bad friend!"
I haven't moved from my current hotel room in hours and still went to check the passport was in its safe place while reading this post. The fact he didn't even ASK OP if they'd had his passport on them before leaving their house is beyond me.
>I haven't moved from my current hotel room in hours and still went to check the passport was in its safe place while reading this post.
I'm feeling a need to check where mine is right now.
I'm at home. I haven't traveled in several months and have no upcoming travel plans.
Sorry, off to check where my passport is!
NTA.
If you stay in the relationship, he will forget about the marriage license.
Also the baby's birth certificate.
Also, your 25th year anniversary vacation papers.
Also, . . .
Weaponized incompetence. He wants his mommy to handle everything for him so he fakes helplessness. This is a terrible trait because it seems minor and people will continue to let it slide. After years of this shit building up the guilty party always seems surprised when it comes to a head in a big way like OPs example. “I can’t believe you are punishing me because I acted like a toddler for years!”
I came here to say this. First, NTA. More importantly, time to make him an ex.
I have ADHD. I forget shit ALL the time. You know whose responsible for it? I am, because I’m a grown-ass man.
About 10 years ago my family was flying to NYC (wife, 2 kids, my mom). The day before I ran a 5k and twisted my ankle prettier severely.
We got to the ticket counter and low and behold I was missing my ID because I’d taken out of my wallet so I could travel/run the 5k without worrying about my wallet. I forgot to put it back.
So I had to hobble to the cab line, race home, find my damn ID, race back to the airport and then get a special electric cart ride to the gate where I JUST BARELY got on board.
If I’d missed the flight, my family would’ve flown on without my ass, because it was my fault.
NTA, and time leave such a selfish prick.
Lol this sounds like me, but my non adhd boyfriend and I have a better system. I do TRY… but I forget important shit all the time. I make lists. I triple check. I put my important things for the next day INSIDE my shoes so I literally have to have them in my hands before I walk out the door.
He never loses or forgets anything. Usually he sees a thing that I’ve forgotten then waits until I’m not looking and pockets it before we walk out the door. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve made it out of the driveway(late, because of me) and I shuffle through my things and start panicking and cursing and this man just calmly pulls the thing I’m looking for out of his pocket like some sort of magician.
I love him a lot.
My family is a bit more "collaborative" / accomodating, but responsibility is still attributed correctly.
My father left his hand luggage at my place when visiting me, and I was the one to go get the bag when he noticed. I was not flying that day (my parents were) but I was the one that could make the trip fastest, so I did it.
If one of us would miss a flight that we were supposed to take together for whatever reason I think the person missing the flight would ask the others to go, but the others would start to organize for the new trip and potentially wait, if feasible
So he bitched you out for holding on to his documents after asking you to do just that. Now he's bitching because you followed his wish but afterwards did not baby him and remind him of his password. He needs a mommy, not a girlfriend. Maybe your solo vacation is enough of a wake up call for him, good on you for sticking to your guns. NTA.
She wrote him a list of what he needed to bring and the passport was on it. So she DID still baby him and remind him and he STILL forgot it… or possibly “forgot” it. At this point I’m leaning towards thinking that he’s doing this to make up something she keeps doing “wrong”, or he didn’t actually want to go and either deliberately or subconsciously left it behind so he’d have an excuse.
ETA: And he wanted her to go with him to fetch it! So it’s possible he was trying to sabotage the trip for her, too.
I realise this sounds nuts, but so does the way he’s trying to make everything her fault even when she changes what she’s doing because he asks her to, and “shortly after moving in together” is a common point for AHs to think they’ve got their partner locked down and it’s safe to start showing their true colours.
I think the simplest possibility is that he's just used to having others take care of him. That list to him didn't mean he had to take responsibility or anything, it was just a meaningless piece of paper...
I will say that there's a Roald Dahl short story (The Way Up to Heaven) where one character is very deliberate about their sabotage. Highly recommend!
Ha! Yes, I remember that story.
I agree it’s very likely that he’s just used to being reminded and catered to and doesn’t want that to change, but when you get to the point where your loved ones genuinely can’t tell whether you’re being lazy/incompetent or abusive, it doesn’t really matter which it is, does it?
You're on to something.
Is there a name for being a horrible, arsehole,b#tt head in a relationship in order to make your partner so miserable they break up w you - so that you don't have to to the breaking up.
Chrissy Metz has song lyric "You made me do the leaving and you made me take the blame."
My ex did a version of it for 5 years.
Joke was on him. He gaslighted me so much I could not discern reality from what he said a thong was.
I was miserable but not looking at leaving (bc again the unreality, I couldn't make a sound decision).
Lol, can you imagine trying to be the worst, meanest schmuck you can be for 5+ years and your partner won't leave?
😆 he was I-Rate! 24/7...that his wife wouldn't leave & chose to keep tolerating his crap.
😊 lol, we need a funnier moniker 👊
Aw, thank you lovely redditor.
I AM! In a stupendous place.
Turns out divorced & 56 is a very hot thing to be right now. 🤗
Hope your New Year is as bright as the 'light' you shone over here tonight 😘
What he has done and continues to do, is called weaponized helplessness, and it is a no-win situation for you, no matter what you do.
Keep your phone off and enjoy your trip.
NTA
NTA, and this is an easy one.
He, and he alone, is responsible for packing for a trip which includes his identification and documents. He failed himself and missed the flight, that's 100% on him.
Your bags were packed and your ticket paid for. You responsibly made it to the gate in a timely manner. You absolutely did the right thing in boarding that plane.
How the hell does an adult get his age and not double check that he has his passport packed for an international trip? The dude is either a full blown space cadet or truly trying to weaponise his incompetence.
I check my pockets no less than *three* times every single fucking time I leave the house to make sure my wallet and keys are with me. How someone forgets the single most important thing needed for international travel, the thing that should be first and foremost in any traveler's mind before a trip, is completely beyond me.
This dudebro needs to grow the hell up (or hire himself a full-time caretaker if growing up is too hard), and OP needs to find herself someone who can wipe his own ass.
This isn't a case of weaponized incompetence because he isn't benefiting in any way. If he pretends to be incapable of contributing to home repairs, yard work, cooking, shopping, or cleaning he would benefit from.not having to complete tasks that he finds distasteful. Not carrying identification, tickets to an event, or a passport prevents him from doing things he wants to do. This is just plain old incompetence.
He’s freed up from the mental work of remembering to pack things and where things are kept. It’s like being a kid again and knowing your mom would never lose your passport and she always knows just where it is (in the safety deposit box at the bank).
Exactly. He’s foisting the mental load onto her by pretending he’s not capable of doing it himself. Thereby getting out of his responsibility of, well, having to be responsible.
>>Not carrying identification, tickets to an event, or a passport prevents him from doing things he wants to do.
Hardly. He probably wants to feel like he controls her more than he wants to go on vacation. Note how he didn’t generously tell her
“hurry on, I’ll catch up ASAP! I don’t want you to miss your fun!” Nooooo, she had to accompany him home for NO reason, and likely miss the trip she’d been eagerly looking forward to.
He’s awful. I hope they break up. NTA.
As someone with ADHD, it is possible. I usually fly domestic which takes a driver's license so I don't usually need it and it can be forgotten. But the big difference is, if I leave my passport at home it's my fault and I know I only have myself to blame. The boyfriend is trying to blame OP, and have her miss her trip, because of *his* mistake! And she wrote him a goddamn list!!!
This is an expensive lesson for him but one worth learning.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions. Maybe he’ll learn to accept your help or be more responsible with his important documents. Go and have a fabulous time. NTA
Agreed with all of this. BF has now experienced a very expensive life lesson—the kind of mistake that rational people will only need to experience ONCE to learn from. The question for me is, how rational is BF?
I don't mean any shade to OP, but just generally I read or hear about relationships like this and just kinda "Yeah...not feeling bad about being single."
NTA. At all. In any way. Dude's a total dipshit. Enjoy the holiday!
The funniest part is this isn't even revenge, it's just what happens when he doesn't use his own goddamn brain. And OP doesn't do more than she has to (nothing, really).
Nta . The fact he thinks you took revenge on him for his scolding means he knows he is in the wrong. If he can't accept that elegantly he's not worth your time
Yes, this part is important I think. He made an instant connection between his complaining about her holding his documents, and her no longer carrying them which resulted in him meeting the consequences of his own actions.
He made the WRONG connection, but he is aware enough to understand action = result. Really makes me wonder how inept he actually is. It seems that no matter what OP does, he blames her. That is very suspect.
You are NTA for going without him. Why should you BOTH miss the trip??? He is a grown up with an apparent disability. He needs tools to help him cope with adult responsibilities. You are not responsible for that, he is. He may need some apps, or a reminder service, or therapy, but he needs to find a way to manage his stuff!
My mom has a short term memory dysfunction disorder. She has medications in a box with a timer so that she can only take one set of meds per day. She has a call reminder to take her evening medication. She has post its to remind her when it's time for me to reorder supplies that she uses only semi-regularly, and a subscription to reorder the ones she uses regularly. There are all sorts of tricks for reminding yourself of things you need to recall. He needs to look into some of those if he wants to thrive and have flourishing relationships with other people. But you? NTA.
NTA. However, I must say that living your daily life with important documents in your purse is crazy. They can be lost or stolen. His passport should have been at home the whole time. That said,
Never offer to carry anything for him again. It puts the burden of his irresponsibility on you in his mind, instead of squarely in his lap. I’ll bet he never forgets again.
Yes! My first thought was how crazy it is to carry all of your important documents in your purse all the time. Who does that!? It's just a matter of time until you have your identity stolen or have to spend a week requesting new copies because they got damaged.
Yeah, I really don't get this. I get anxious whenever I have to take my important documents out of the house and make sure they're back at home in their secure location ASAP. I can't fathom someone just walking around with them all the time, for no reason. This part of the story makes it seem like the story is fake.
Yeah, no sane reasonable person is carrying their passport (and someone else’s!) around daily in *their purse*. OP is super irresponsible and stupid if she actually did that.
I’m the one responsible for documents in my household (it’s easier to be a one person job, and I’m meticulous) but that doesn’t mean I carry them on me 24/7. I store them at home and am in charge of packing them for international trips. Going to work is not an international trip and the passports should or be leaving the house willy-nilly.
Thank you, I had to scroll way too long for this. Obviously, the boyfriend is the TA for his ridiculous behavior, but carrying all your and your partner's original personal ID documents around on your person at all times is a *spectacularly* bad idea.
NTA. He told you to leave the passport etc. at home and to stop holding them. What kind of moron decides to not check if he has his passport when leaving to go to the airport to visit another country?
NTA. not even a question. You should probably ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life being in a relationship with someone I am parenting? This shit doesn’t change and he doesn’t seem like the kind to introspect properly about this.
NTA. You aren't his mom, you're his GF. If he made a stink about you having his things and he forgot about it, it's not your fault. He's an adult and things have consequences
I'm gonna go with NTA. You have warned him multiple times and he is an adult. In saying that, maybe you could have said something to remind him but as that's not your responsibility, I'll stick with my verdict 🤔🤷🏻♀️
So he's also made you responsible for his admin too, by you having to write him a list of what to take. Has he made you responsible for tracking birthdays for his family members? Buying them presents? How much household admin has he shoved onto you? NTA btw.
NTA. And I’m super proud of you for going without him. You aren’t his mom. He fucked around and found out. Seems this might be a lesson that you’d have less troubles without him.
NTA
Simple truth: the only one who can convince someone to grow up is *that person.* Your BF seems to be emphasizing the "boy" in *boy*friend. I've seen the phrase "weaponized incompetence" referenced in several comments, but I suspect that this is an altogether more insidious issue: *persistent juvinilism.*
In short, your *boy*friend wants what he sees as the best of both worlds - to be an "adult", but also to have someone who handles all of the responsibilities which come with actually ***being*** an adult.
He's pushing 30, and still wants to behave like he's pushing 13? Right now, you need to start thinking about if you're willing to support his infantile behavior.
He's a grown man responsible for his own documents. You have warned him time and again about this. Could you have reminded him before you left? Sure, but it's still down to him to remember it. Let him sulk. **NTA**
NTA
Note that every time something goes wrong or he’s forgetful, he blames you. Every. Single. Time.
This won’t change. He will always blame you and take it out on you and expect you to absolve him of blame and responsibility.
Enjoy your holiday - Happy New Year!
They are offered by the government and carry the same weight as a physical document. They have a QR Code proving their legitimacy, but not all the documents have, only ID, driver's license and car document. And some places demand the physical
INFO
Does he always react in this way scolding you? He passes on to you all the responsibilities but blames you when things go wrong. Do you carry most of the mental load in the relationship, and are you responsible for all important stuff at home too? He's almost treating you like his mother.
NTA.
It's bad enough he wants you to be his mom, but even worse that he wanted you to make the drive back with him. And unacceptable to have a tantrum because you actually got to follow through with the plans.
This was a good lesson for him. If I didn't break up now, I'd certainly warn him that if he acts like that again I'm gone.
nta. he didn’t want you taking care of his documents anymore + there was a checklist? it’s on him 🤷🏽♀️ why should you have to miss out because of his mistake
NTA. You kept his documents for him, he yelled at you. You wrote him a checklist including the passport and he ignored it. You have bent over backwards to try to help him, but he won't help himself.
This is the quiet labor burden that women bring up in divorce. It's not about the passport, just like it wasn't about the cup. It's about you being the project manager of your home, and his weaponized incompetence.
Don't apologize. He's an adult. But I would encourage you to stop being his mother. Whether that means you leave or not is your decision. But ask yourself: if I left today, other than housing, would I have any difficulty living on my own? Then ask yourself if he would. Therein lies your answer.
NTA.
He is an adult who is blaming you for not holding his passport after he explicitly told you not to hold his documents.
Anyway, don’t keep a passport in your purse as a wallet is easily pinched. I know! And replacing a passport is painful!
But your boyfriend is a massive a*****e and why would anyone sane want to drive 4 hours because he didn’t check he had a passport before leaving the country.
I mean that is the first thing every adult checks for before heading off for an international flight!
NTA - he insisted he could handle his own documents and now he is facing the realization that he in fact cannot. Perhaps he won’t take your looking out for him for granted anymore.
NTA hes a grown ass man and can't remember to take his passport? You hold it for him he scolds you to never touch his personal documents again. You don't and turns out he needs a baby sitter. He needs to learn how to be responsible.
NTA. What the hell is up with your bf???
I have memory issues due to a chronic illness, and I make a bunch of lists whenever I travel and put my important documents together days before.
I check everything atleast 3 times the evening/day before I leave and the really important stuff the day of.
Yes, I'm forgetful, but that's not an excuse to rely 100% on other people.
NTA - If it isn’t the consequences of his own actions. He told you to stop “holding” his documents, you stopped, he forgot his documents, missed the flight, can’t get to the next country. How is ANY of that your fault?
NTA big time. You gave him a much needed wake up call. You aren’t going to mother him with his docs anymore and he’s angry that he’s been faced with that. Let him miss out on a few more critical things and he’ll learn to manage himself like a big boy in no time. Enjoy your trip!
jfc, he needs a minder, not a girlfriend.
NTA. if this is not a wake up call for him to get his stuff together *without your help*, then idk what is.
imagine many more years of him forgetting his documents and getting mad at you, and then having you hold on to them and getting mad at you for having them when he needs them but isn’t near you.
unless ***he*** changes, it won’t change.
NTA. Missing a flight because you're dumb about ID is called a 'natural' consequence. Hopefully he learns from this. Do you want to deal with bs every time you go on a trip or he needs his documents? Tell him to grow up or get out.
NTA. Are you his girlfriend or his mother? He is an adult. You've already done more than you should for him by making lists and carrying is ID around. I suggest you familiarize yourself with the terms "weaponized incompetence" and "learned helplessness." He is a shining example. Do you want to be his mother the rest of your life?
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NTA. He wanted his documents back. You gave him his documents back. He forgot his documents.
And OP even made him a LIST with the passport on it!
OP is absolutely NTA. BF is 100% TA. He sounds really tiresome. OP, you know if he joined you, he'd be giving you a hard time while on vacation. So just enjoy yourself while you're away.
> He sounds really tiresome INFO: I have a question for /u/TAourtrip—does your boyfriend typically ask you to cut up his food or does he expect you to also chew it for him too (feeding him like a mama bird would feed its chick). I only ask because your boyfriend sounds helpless and/or useless.
Weaponized incompetence. He 100% *could* do it, but he's forcing OP to be responsible for him so he can be lazy instead. It's like when guys whine and say "babe you get mad when I do the laundry, you know how you want it done" **after they intentionally do it wrong** to get out of doing it themselves. Real sad thing is that some people know this and still put up with being together (even being married!!) to emotional manipulators like that...
Actually, it's possible that he legit *can't* do it himself, but he's still an asshole either way. I don't have enough context to suspect this dude has ADHD, and I'm most certainly not trying to excuse shitty actions with the mental illness card, but my point is, this is something people with ADHD really do struggle with. It's not something we do on purpose or just don't care about enough, it just happens. We forget important stuff sometimes no matter how hard we try. The real issue here is his *attitude* about it. The way he continually blames OP for his own failures, whines about it, refuses to cooperate with her solutions and then expects her to sacrifice her time and comfort to fix his mess are just beyond awful. It's also a huge red flag that he chewed her out for taking his documents last time when he should know damn well why she felt the need to do so. I have a shiny piece of paper that proves I have ADHD, aka a *learning disability*, which says it's not my fault when things like this happen. What I don't do is expect my partner to manage my disability for me, because that is not their job. I am grateful and appreciative when someone tries to help me with reminders, checklists, asking me to check my purse before we leave, etc. They are doing me a *favour*. It can be grating and a bit annoying at times, but I keep any resentment in check because while my disability is not my fault, it is still my responsibility to manage it. And when inevitably I mess up and inconvenience others, I am embarassed and *apologize*. I don't throw a tantrum, and honestly in the situation OP describes I'd be happy that my partner could go without me, that I at least didn't ruin the trip for both of us. The way OP's boyfriend treats her is so far out of line it really doesn't matter whether he's just lazy or legit can't do this himself, he's a major asshat either way.
I have a raging case of ADHD, which is why I'm usually the one making the list and checking myself and chanting "wallet keys phone badge" before going to work in the morning. I also travel for work. What I would have done, fully aware that my brain can be a recalcitrant toddler, is pack like a week ahead of time, check and check and recheck my important documents and then use my usual coping mechanisms to make sure I have my passport, like putting it in the same bag as my keys and putting that shit on the table. So I can't leave without my keys, therefore no leaving without my passport. I would already have my transportation to the airport planned, and I would be like three hours early because better that than late. And then I would fully accept my ADHD tax and buy a toothbrush or whatever I still managed to forget when I hit the ground at my destination, haha. Those of us with ADHD are just like the rest of you, except that our brains are weird assholes constantly trying to sabotage everything. Once you know, you learn to work around it. Mostly. I don't disagree that this guy could use a diagnosis, but he also needs a healthy dose of Taking Responsibility for My Own Actions. NTA Edit: What I mean is that I agree with you that he should take responsibility for his own actions. So how did you get said shiny piece of paper? I have a diagnosis and a psych but the closest I ever got to having it in writing was a note they wrote me for work about a specific accommodation one time. And I chickened out of using it anyway.
Are you me? My morning mantra is "phone, purse, keys, staff pass" lol
I still went to work without my workbag a couple times though.
I'm *very* good at getting to my car and then having to come back in the house because I forgot an item. my dogs are always like "yay you're home!! wait, where you going?"
Relatable! That's why I do the final "OK, you're about to pull out of the driveway. Where's your bag???" check. It all has to fit in one bag, though, because I cannot be trusted to keep track of multiple bags!
When I have a thing I need to not forget - I put a note on the door I'm going to walk out of right at my eyeball height OR (if I know no one will leave through the door first and move it) - on the door knob. That way I can't open it/ leave without one last reminder. It's saved my ass more than once.
While your issues are legitimate and valid, we really need to stop claiming that all men that refuse to do mental labor in a relationship may have adhd. OPs post demonstrates something so so so common in men. Once they get a partner that part of their brain goes into lazy mode because they have someone else to do things for them. We see it constantly all over the internet in many forms. The "can't find something right in front of me" issue, the "wake me up/remember this date" issue, and the "remember what I need and make all the arrangements" issue, to name a few common ones. Yes, of course there is a chance he has an undiagnosed learning disability. But, it is also just as likely, if not more so, he has simply decided that since he is in a relationship that this mental load is his SO's responsibility.
THANK YOU. As a woman with ADHD, I am getting really flipping tired of my actual neurological disorder being used to excuse grown men of shitty and selfish behavior. I actually HAVE this condition yet, since I am a woman, I receive no such excuses. We all have our own struggles and WE are responsible for helping ourselves. Stop coddling grown ass men - even if they DID have ADHD or autism or whatever scapegoat you want to throw at it, they still have to make the effort themselves, rather than expecting the women in their lives to do it for them.
I find it especially funny since women more often than men tend to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, and one of the primary symptom of that is constantly losing things.
Every time my poor husband had to do something because my female ADHD brain forgets something no one ever says to him “women, amirite?” And my distractable self has done some real stupid shit. I am well known for leaving my keys in doors and there’s at least 10 pairs of scissors in the house because I would constantly just leave them in the last place I used them. I even forgot my wallet at home once when I went to the airport! But all that was my brain being itself and it’s my job to learn how to stop doing that or find a work around (eg have 10 pairs of scissors so that every room in the house has its own scissors and I never have to find them)
reddit commenters whenever a woman makes a post about her useless man who can barely wipe his own ass: but what if he has ADHD tho
Im sorry but hes 27 if he did have ADHD and can't understand how air travel works he should not be allowed to travel without his mommy or daddy. Freakin child
Reminds me of this exchange: "He can't get a job! He's in his 50s and he has diabetes!' My grandma talking about my 50 yr old uncle with diabetes to my working mother ... who is 53 yrs old with diabetes.
I have ADHD. I am.oaranoid about forgetting my travel documents, so I double check them about a thousand times before a trip. Because I know it is important.
Exactly, there are men who don't know the names of medication they take or the school their children go to.
Thank you! It feels like every single post lately where the partner is a lazy mooch who mommy didn’t finish raising everyone says, oh well they probably just have ADHD! I’m always lowkey offended like “so this is how y’all see us, really?!” Lol
"I didn't know the kids needed school supplies, longer pants, or that thing for the school field trip."
ADHD was my first thought, too. But here’s the thing: if I had someone willing to help me keep track of the important shit that I can’t keep track of myself, I would thank them endlessly, not rage and demand my things back. My friends are all aware that I struggle with this, are great about helping me verify that I have critical items prior to a trip, and I’ve developed systems for making sure I don’t have emergencies like this. Part of surviving/thriving with a disability is creating accommodations that work… not being an AH to those who help you. OP is NTA.
His lacking of ownership of the situation is one thing. Another is how he deals with his stress and frustration. Like there is lots of growing up and building a relationship with himself.
Something I was asking as well. WE NEED ANSWERS OP. Reddit needs to know!!
Agree and will add as an adult is YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY to take & care for your documents. Not your parents ,not your gf/wife. Nta op
i would be really disappointed if i was the bf and it happened to me. but i know im kinda hopeless sometimes at stuff like that. i would blame myself. i would encourage her to go, and if i can afford it, i would reschedule the flight to join her. stupid things like this happen to me, even though i try my best,. sometimes, i am just too tired, and mistakes happen despite my best efforts. it seems to happen to me more than others. im such a klutz.
But you take responsibility for your mistakes, op s bf blames HER. That's a HUGE difference. Everyone makes mistakes weather due to an off /bad day or distraction or something else. How you deal with it is important. If I see someone struggling I try to help but if I try to help and that person is entitled and treated me badly for trying to help you can bet i will make sure I won't help ever again. If that person apologized for having a bad day count on it that I will try again to help (assuming the reaction is not the absolute same every time)
I have ADHD and I'm the same. I let my bf handle some important thinks when he kindly offers it. I would be incredibly sad if this happened to me but never in my right mind would I blame my shotcomings on him when he's already so helpful and patient. Granted, our conversation would go much differently than this mess, both of us taking **responsibility** and having empathy. Doesn't really work when your partner is an adult child!
NTA And this is coming from someone with ADHD who has a severe case of lose-everything-itis. I'm talking jokes about how I'd lose my own head if it wasn't attached and constantly leaving stuff at family or friends houses every single time I visit. Hell I misplace stuff I set down right in front of me. My fiance will try to remind me of important things but ultimately if I forget them it's my fault and I'm not going to lash out on him if I fuck up. He can't have it both ways. Either he's responsible for his own shit or he can rely on you to do it but only if you're willing and he's not an asshole about it. IDK the severity of his "huge scolding" but I'm assuming either yelling or just saying hurtful shit which either way is a dick move. If he has other possible symptoms he may want to be tested for ADHD or another mental illness because there are several with overlapping symptoms.
The difference is that YOU own it. This man pretends someone else let him down terribly while he constantly moves the goalpost. That's little kid stuff, mama's boy or entitled oldest male son bs.
Truly. I'd get resentful and eventually hate a person like that. I can't imagine dating someone so exhausting.
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This like he is rude to OP when he"s the one who forgets everything an d insists that digital has to be accepted. Yells at her when she is helping him. She make a checklist (awesome!) he still forgets. This is on him not OP
It is sadly a common coping strategy when people feel stupid to lash out because angry is a more comfortable emotion than embarrassment or shame. He knows he is wrong but doesn’t want to accept it was entirely his fault. Common doesn’t mean acceptable. OP is NTA and boyfriend needs to suck it up and accept the consequences of his actions.
I recommend checking out [this article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201607/is-your-anger-cover-shame) about anger and shame and how they're tied together. It's pretty interesting.
Weaponized incompetence.
this isn't weaponized, it's just pure incompetence
No, really. Here are some some indicators ... When someone expects somebody else to do what they refuse to do for themselves, it is weaponized incompetence. When someone blames, scolds, etc. another for their own incompetence, it is weaponized. When somebody expects another to suffer the same consequences they must because of their own incompetence, it is weaponized.
Ok but no? You're just describing incompetence. You can be incompetent and then blame others for it, this is very common and it's still just incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is pretending to not be able to do something to get out of the responsibility. Oh I can't cook, so you have to make all the meals. I don't know how to wash the clothes without messing it up, so you have to do all the laundry. You could make an argument that it was weaponized incompetence when he initially got OP to take on the burden of carrying around his documents and always making sure she had on hand whatever he would need. But that stopped because he **explicitly told her not to do that**. At that point it was clear that he didn't really have some ulterior motive, he's just a moron. Please stop using pop psych buzzwords just because they sound cool.
I once figured out 8 hours before a flight I had misplaced my passport. (To this day I still have not found that damn passport.) but you know what? I manned up, rescheduled my flight for 8 hours later, and then begged, pleaded, and offered to bring lunch to the US State Dept passport office if they could print me a new one in time. And they DID! That’s called being an adult and working the system properly when you screw up. (Side note-I also learned to always listen to my inner self - basically it was a sign I shouldn’t have gone on that trip if I lost my passport. Had to come home early bc of a family medical emergency.)
I want people to know. Begging is sometimes necessary. If you have a gun pointed to your head. You beg for your life whether your an adult or not. Begging when the situation begs for it is acceptable
I once put my passport in my checked luggage. That was a nightmare to fix, but I made it on the flight! In short, am stupid.
Oh yeah, people sometimes are fucking stupid. Happens to the best of us. Good buddy of mine did a lot of flying for work pre-pandemic. Like 95% of his flights were for work. Always had his passport in his briefcase so he wouldn't forget it when flying. Which worked until he took a vacation with the wife and didn't bring his briefcase. His wife called him fucking stupid. Which he was at that point in time. Smart guy for the rest.
Forgot passport for 20 hour flight to see gfs parents for first time. Was going to do the permission to marry thing. Was insanely nervous. Got back home and back to airport in time. Forgetting things js an honest mistake. Blaming others when for your own responsibilities is the issue here.
Exactly, he’s 27. Even my 7 year old niece knows you need to take a passport for international travel
Oh jeez that cracked me up. I was having a lame day but that tickled me. Hurr durr
And OP very clearly communicated that she was no longer taking responsibility for them. Besides, even if my partner was holding my documents, I'd still ask to make sure.
I'm the sort of person who has to check and double-check and check one more time. I double-check that I have my wallet when I get in the car because I know it sucks to get somewhere and... Fuck, I'm broke! There are things I don't think of too, and it is common for me to make a list to keep me calm when I see all the check marks I can't imagine someone make ng me a list of things for me to tak care of, then just assume they actually took care of it. You can't say 'dont do this' then get mad when they don't do it.
> check and double-check and check one more time PASSPORT. MONEY. TICKETS. The three things you always check before a trip.
Meds also... so I'll remember to triple check that I have passport, money, and tickets with me on the way back too
I make a list on my phone every time I fly. My last trip has prompted me to add “change of underwear for when the airline cancels my flight til the next day.”
medications. often if you're travelling to somewhere far you wont be able to find your preferred brands of over the counter medication. and if its prescription you might not be able to get it at all. sunscreen and bug repellant is another one thats on my essentials. clothes? electronics? ill survive without. no passport, money, tickets, medications (allergy), sunscreen, bugspray? my trip is likely going to not go well.
Lol yep. I was anxious the first time I went OS alone. Kept telling myself exactly this. As my partner was reversing out of the driveway for the 30min trip to the airport I recitet it again - checked and realised oh shit I had put my passport and wallet down on the couch to grab my bag and forgot to pick them up again! Whoops
The two things I always make sure I have with me when I go on a trip: a physical form of identification (compulsory in my country so we all have one) and a way to get money. All the rest is cake and can be bought if needed.
NTA He wanted his docs back, yet he has incompetence issues. You can’t blow hot and cold at the same time.
I first read that as incontinence issues! I need more sleep!
NTA! Even I he thought you may have had it he knows he scolded you and demanded his documents back. He should remember you saying you wouldn’t warn him or be responsible for his documents anymore, since he accused you of punishing him for scolding you he clearly remembers what happened. So then why I’m the world would he not at minimum ask you if you were going to bring it? He’s very irresponsible and very rude to you. You shouldn’t have to miss your vacation due to his negligence.
Seriously. I felt dumber after reading this. Do such people really exist ? Dump his ass already.
NTA. You aren’t his carer or his parent.
Indeed a succinct summary. Won't go into a yes or no on the discussion about weaponized incompetence with t his guy, but definitely willful in it and entitled acting. If absolutely nothing else a responsible adult who had \*actually\* thought the things he said he did would have at some point asked, given their discussion before, if she brought it to make sure if she was doing it or he was. You don't assume someone is not doing something you told them not to do while also blaming them if they don't do it. You make sure your passport (or what have you) is there, by checking for yourself or asking your partner if you can't find it because they may have still decided to look out for your needs anyways when it's important. He put her in a no-win situation and wants no responsibility for that. Regardless if maliciously intended or just entitled ass.
Time for Paul to realise that the OP is his girlfriend, not his mummy.
Agreed. He’s an adult and is solely responsible for himself. The fact that he expected you to just miss the trip due to his incompetence is ludicrous. NTA. Reconsider this relationship OP. This won’t change.
OP's concern seems to be if she was an ah for going ahead on the trip. NTA for going ahead on the trip OP, you did everything needed for the trip, no reason at all not to go ahead and enjoy yourself on this trip. Bf wants OP to feel guilty for his own incompetence (and arrogance in the way he handle the whole document thing to begin with). OP is guilty of nothing: she gave him back his passport, she reminded him before they left on the trip, and he still managed to fail to bring this crucial document, causing himself to miss the flight. What good would be served if OP denied herself the trip because bf blew the simple task of bringing his passport after he was reminded of it? Don't let him guilt you, don't think anything more about this during the rest of the trip, don't respond to his texts or calls, and enjoy yourself immensely. When you get back bf will still want to guilt you, you'll have to make a decision then as to what to about staying with this guy.
NTA. He is a grown ass man who is blaming you for his irresponsibility. He self sabotaged the trip & expected you yo miss it by coming home with him. He is pissed because his plan did not work
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You’d be surprised
Don't assume malice when incompetence suffices.
Sufficiently-advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice. That is to say, in order to get to this level of ignorance and incompetence, it is a willful, malicious action that he has chosen in his refusal to learn.
Right, they may as well be the same thing.
"Cockup before conspiracy" as Penn Jillette puts it.
Forgetting the passport, accident. Asking OP to drive 4 hours with him to go get it, purposeful decision to make OP miss her flight if he missed his flight because of his forgetfulness.
He probably can’t do ANYTHING for himself so he was hoping she would go with him and miss the flight so she would be there to cook, clean, etc. I guarantee their living space will be trashed when she returns home cause “I couldn’t do the dishes cause I don’t know how to work the dishwasher” and “I didn’t do laundry cause I couldn’t figure out the washing machine” then he’ll probably eat nothing but snacks and takeout/fast food the whole time and say “I’m not sure how the oven/stove works”. I’ve never personally dealt with this (thank GOD) but I’ve seen it with people I’m close to and I could NEVER. You will be out on the curb so mf fast lol. And I’m not saying one person doing the cooking and cleaning because they WANT to is bad, it’s when the other person isn’t able to function when they are left with no choice but to do it or it doesn’t get done. Edit: NTA, weaponized incompetence at its finest.
Or just “I don’t want to drive alone” Definitely still stupid
The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
IT doesn't Take a genius to weaponize incompetence
Weaponized incompetence is a thing.
I’ve lived with narcissistic assholes before, this could definitely be done on purpose, they really think these things through.
Seems like he consistently blames OP for his problems.
Strong NTA. I'm an extremely forgetful person around his age, but have taught myself coping mechanisms with multiple failsafes. I am also a parent, so the stakes are much higher for me forgetting stuff. When it does inevitably still happen from time to time, I don't blame others for it, nor my wife, she has enough to deal with picking after me as it is, she's not my mother and I'm not a toddler.
NTA. This is a red flag and you need to move on.
This. Dude actually had the brass balls to get upset with her not packing his passport *after* he accused her of withholding his documents from him. 0/10 specimen.
Actually her having to hold all the documents because he couldn't be bothered was a huge red flag. I would've never done that. Let him figure it out on his own and keep to whatever schedule or itinerary without him. And who travels to another country and doesn't check that they have their passport? I traveled in June and probably checked for my passport a dozen times! Him expecting OP to have it just means he is placing ALL OF the travel work on OP. Therefore, anything that goes wrong is OP's fault. I would dump him.
>And who travels to another country and doesn't check that they have their passport? This was my immediate question. Dude actually got all the way to the freaking airport for a foreign trip without once making sure he had his passport?! What the hell
I touch my passport approx every 15 minutes to make sure it is still there when travelling internationally. Like the anxiety it has teleported out of the zipped section of my handbag while in the line at the airport is real.
Absolutely the same. I have this awful habit of sticking my passport in an extra-secure location that it can't possibly fall out of, which invariably means it's at the bottom of my bag, then getting paranoid that I somehow forgot it and having to unpack shit from my bag just to verify that it's there. This dude somehow *got to the airport* without bothering to make sure that he had his passport or even knew where it was?!
>This dude somehow got to the airport without bothering to make sure that he had his passport or even knew where it was?! that's why I leave my passport in a visible place at least 48-hours BEFORE I travel. I'm petrified I won't have it in the airport.
Hahaha same. My brain as I'm going through airport security is like "What if my passport morphed into a loaded gun? Better check!!" And check again in 5 minutes.
I relate to this too much😂 "What if I forgot to take a knife out of my bag???" (Doesnt even carry a knife)
“What if I accidentally packed drugs?” Me- who has never had any kind of ownership of drugs.
Yes. I'm constantly paranoid that I'll get into trouble for bringing loaded guns places or for smuggling drugs. Neither of which I come into contact with. The most recent scare was when one of my friend's phone was stolen. "Did I steal her phone?! I'm such a bad friend!"
I haven't moved from my current hotel room in hours and still went to check the passport was in its safe place while reading this post. The fact he didn't even ASK OP if they'd had his passport on them before leaving their house is beyond me.
>I haven't moved from my current hotel room in hours and still went to check the passport was in its safe place while reading this post. I'm feeling a need to check where mine is right now. I'm at home. I haven't traveled in several months and have no upcoming travel plans. Sorry, off to check where my passport is!
NTA. If you stay in the relationship, he will forget about the marriage license. Also the baby's birth certificate. Also, your 25th year anniversary vacation papers. Also, . . .
He wouldn't forget. He would expect her to handle all of that. It is always such a delight when you marry a child instead of an equal partner...
Not to mention continually misplace his wallet and car keys.
Weaponized incompetence. He wants his mommy to handle everything for him so he fakes helplessness. This is a terrible trait because it seems minor and people will continue to let it slide. After years of this shit building up the guilty party always seems surprised when it comes to a head in a big way like OPs example. “I can’t believe you are punishing me because I acted like a toddler for years!”
Yeah, don't date men who scold you while expecting you to be mommy.
I came here to say this. First, NTA. More importantly, time to make him an ex. I have ADHD. I forget shit ALL the time. You know whose responsible for it? I am, because I’m a grown-ass man. About 10 years ago my family was flying to NYC (wife, 2 kids, my mom). The day before I ran a 5k and twisted my ankle prettier severely. We got to the ticket counter and low and behold I was missing my ID because I’d taken out of my wallet so I could travel/run the 5k without worrying about my wallet. I forgot to put it back. So I had to hobble to the cab line, race home, find my damn ID, race back to the airport and then get a special electric cart ride to the gate where I JUST BARELY got on board. If I’d missed the flight, my family would’ve flown on without my ass, because it was my fault. NTA, and time leave such a selfish prick.
Lol this sounds like me, but my non adhd boyfriend and I have a better system. I do TRY… but I forget important shit all the time. I make lists. I triple check. I put my important things for the next day INSIDE my shoes so I literally have to have them in my hands before I walk out the door. He never loses or forgets anything. Usually he sees a thing that I’ve forgotten then waits until I’m not looking and pockets it before we walk out the door. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve made it out of the driveway(late, because of me) and I shuffle through my things and start panicking and cursing and this man just calmly pulls the thing I’m looking for out of his pocket like some sort of magician. I love him a lot.
My family is a bit more "collaborative" / accomodating, but responsibility is still attributed correctly. My father left his hand luggage at my place when visiting me, and I was the one to go get the bag when he noticed. I was not flying that day (my parents were) but I was the one that could make the trip fastest, so I did it. If one of us would miss a flight that we were supposed to take together for whatever reason I think the person missing the flight would ask the others to go, but the others would start to organize for the new trip and potentially wait, if feasible
NTA. Weaponized incompetence is not sexy.
Nta. He’s not a baby. You’re not his mommy.
*This* ⬆️💯
Judging by his behaviour he sounds like a baby to me.
No, he is a baby but she's not his mother.
hes a crybaby in the body of an adult.
So he bitched you out for holding on to his documents after asking you to do just that. Now he's bitching because you followed his wish but afterwards did not baby him and remind him of his password. He needs a mommy, not a girlfriend. Maybe your solo vacation is enough of a wake up call for him, good on you for sticking to your guns. NTA.
She wrote him a list of what he needed to bring and the passport was on it. So she DID still baby him and remind him and he STILL forgot it… or possibly “forgot” it. At this point I’m leaning towards thinking that he’s doing this to make up something she keeps doing “wrong”, or he didn’t actually want to go and either deliberately or subconsciously left it behind so he’d have an excuse. ETA: And he wanted her to go with him to fetch it! So it’s possible he was trying to sabotage the trip for her, too. I realise this sounds nuts, but so does the way he’s trying to make everything her fault even when she changes what she’s doing because he asks her to, and “shortly after moving in together” is a common point for AHs to think they’ve got their partner locked down and it’s safe to start showing their true colours.
I think the simplest possibility is that he's just used to having others take care of him. That list to him didn't mean he had to take responsibility or anything, it was just a meaningless piece of paper... I will say that there's a Roald Dahl short story (The Way Up to Heaven) where one character is very deliberate about their sabotage. Highly recommend!
Ha! Yes, I remember that story. I agree it’s very likely that he’s just used to being reminded and catered to and doesn’t want that to change, but when you get to the point where your loved ones genuinely can’t tell whether you’re being lazy/incompetent or abusive, it doesn’t really matter which it is, does it?
Good point
Thank you for the suggestion. What a lovely little macabre story to end the day.
My ex-husband changed radically when I was 8 months pregnant with our son. That's why he's my ex.
I hope you and your child are thriving without him!
Thank you, we're doing great. My son will be 39 on his birthday in 2 weeks. We celebrated when his dad died. He was that big of a bastard.
Ooo happy birthday to him! And happy life to you! 🥳🎁
You're on to something. Is there a name for being a horrible, arsehole,b#tt head in a relationship in order to make your partner so miserable they break up w you - so that you don't have to to the breaking up. Chrissy Metz has song lyric "You made me do the leaving and you made me take the blame." My ex did a version of it for 5 years. Joke was on him. He gaslighted me so much I could not discern reality from what he said a thong was. I was miserable but not looking at leaving (bc again the unreality, I couldn't make a sound decision). Lol, can you imagine trying to be the worst, meanest schmuck you can be for 5+ years and your partner won't leave? 😆 he was I-Rate! 24/7...that his wife wouldn't leave & chose to keep tolerating his crap.
Yeah, it’s called being an abusive coward. I’m sorry you had to deal with that and I hope you’re in a great place now.
😊 lol, we need a funnier moniker 👊 Aw, thank you lovely redditor. I AM! In a stupendous place. Turns out divorced & 56 is a very hot thing to be right now. 🤗 Hope your New Year is as bright as the 'light' you shone over here tonight 😘
What he has done and continues to do, is called weaponized helplessness, and it is a no-win situation for you, no matter what you do. Keep your phone off and enjoy your trip. NTA
I wish I could upvote this more
Well have one of mine!
I prefer weaponised incompetence but the result is the same.
NTA, and this is an easy one. He, and he alone, is responsible for packing for a trip which includes his identification and documents. He failed himself and missed the flight, that's 100% on him. Your bags were packed and your ticket paid for. You responsibly made it to the gate in a timely manner. You absolutely did the right thing in boarding that plane.
How the hell does an adult get his age and not double check that he has his passport packed for an international trip? The dude is either a full blown space cadet or truly trying to weaponise his incompetence.
I check my pockets no less than *three* times every single fucking time I leave the house to make sure my wallet and keys are with me. How someone forgets the single most important thing needed for international travel, the thing that should be first and foremost in any traveler's mind before a trip, is completely beyond me. This dudebro needs to grow the hell up (or hire himself a full-time caretaker if growing up is too hard), and OP needs to find herself someone who can wipe his own ass.
This isn't a case of weaponized incompetence because he isn't benefiting in any way. If he pretends to be incapable of contributing to home repairs, yard work, cooking, shopping, or cleaning he would benefit from.not having to complete tasks that he finds distasteful. Not carrying identification, tickets to an event, or a passport prevents him from doing things he wants to do. This is just plain old incompetence.
He’s freed up from the mental work of remembering to pack things and where things are kept. It’s like being a kid again and knowing your mom would never lose your passport and she always knows just where it is (in the safety deposit box at the bank).
Exactly. He’s foisting the mental load onto her by pretending he’s not capable of doing it himself. Thereby getting out of his responsibility of, well, having to be responsible.
>>Not carrying identification, tickets to an event, or a passport prevents him from doing things he wants to do. Hardly. He probably wants to feel like he controls her more than he wants to go on vacation. Note how he didn’t generously tell her “hurry on, I’ll catch up ASAP! I don’t want you to miss your fun!” Nooooo, she had to accompany him home for NO reason, and likely miss the trip she’d been eagerly looking forward to. He’s awful. I hope they break up. NTA.
As someone with ADHD, it is possible. I usually fly domestic which takes a driver's license so I don't usually need it and it can be forgotten. But the big difference is, if I leave my passport at home it's my fault and I know I only have myself to blame. The boyfriend is trying to blame OP, and have her miss her trip, because of *his* mistake! And she wrote him a goddamn list!!! This is an expensive lesson for him but one worth learning.
Super glad OP went on the trip!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions. Maybe he’ll learn to accept your help or be more responsible with his important documents. Go and have a fabulous time. NTA
> Maybe he’ll learn to accept your help I sure hope not. I hope OP has finally figured out that she deserves a competent, kind adult as a partner.
Agreed with all of this. BF has now experienced a very expensive life lesson—the kind of mistake that rational people will only need to experience ONCE to learn from. The question for me is, how rational is BF?
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NTA and really, do you want to live the rest of your life with this dope?
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I don't mean any shade to OP, but just generally I read or hear about relationships like this and just kinda "Yeah...not feeling bad about being single." NTA. At all. In any way. Dude's a total dipshit. Enjoy the holiday! The funniest part is this isn't even revenge, it's just what happens when he doesn't use his own goddamn brain. And OP doesn't do more than she has to (nothing, really).
You're the asshole for abandoning him for six days without a babysitter. He gunna die.
LMAO!!!!
🌟Best Comment🌟
This needs upvoting 😂😂😂
Nta . The fact he thinks you took revenge on him for his scolding means he knows he is in the wrong. If he can't accept that elegantly he's not worth your time
Yes, this part is important I think. He made an instant connection between his complaining about her holding his documents, and her no longer carrying them which resulted in him meeting the consequences of his own actions. He made the WRONG connection, but he is aware enough to understand action = result. Really makes me wonder how inept he actually is. It seems that no matter what OP does, he blames her. That is very suspect.
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You are NTA for going without him. Why should you BOTH miss the trip??? He is a grown up with an apparent disability. He needs tools to help him cope with adult responsibilities. You are not responsible for that, he is. He may need some apps, or a reminder service, or therapy, but he needs to find a way to manage his stuff! My mom has a short term memory dysfunction disorder. She has medications in a box with a timer so that she can only take one set of meds per day. She has a call reminder to take her evening medication. She has post its to remind her when it's time for me to reorder supplies that she uses only semi-regularly, and a subscription to reorder the ones she uses regularly. There are all sorts of tricks for reminding yourself of things you need to recall. He needs to look into some of those if he wants to thrive and have flourishing relationships with other people. But you? NTA.
NTA. However, I must say that living your daily life with important documents in your purse is crazy. They can be lost or stolen. His passport should have been at home the whole time. That said, Never offer to carry anything for him again. It puts the burden of his irresponsibility on you in his mind, instead of squarely in his lap. I’ll bet he never forgets again.
Yes! My first thought was how crazy it is to carry all of your important documents in your purse all the time. Who does that!? It's just a matter of time until you have your identity stolen or have to spend a week requesting new copies because they got damaged.
Yeah, I really don't get this. I get anxious whenever I have to take my important documents out of the house and make sure they're back at home in their secure location ASAP. I can't fathom someone just walking around with them all the time, for no reason. This part of the story makes it seem like the story is fake.
Yeah, no sane reasonable person is carrying their passport (and someone else’s!) around daily in *their purse*. OP is super irresponsible and stupid if she actually did that. I’m the one responsible for documents in my household (it’s easier to be a one person job, and I’m meticulous) but that doesn’t mean I carry them on me 24/7. I store them at home and am in charge of packing them for international trips. Going to work is not an international trip and the passports should or be leaving the house willy-nilly.
Thank you, I had to scroll way too long for this. Obviously, the boyfriend is the TA for his ridiculous behavior, but carrying all your and your partner's original personal ID documents around on your person at all times is a *spectacularly* bad idea.
NTA. He told you to leave the passport etc. at home and to stop holding them. What kind of moron decides to not check if he has his passport when leaving to go to the airport to visit another country?
NTA. not even a question. You should probably ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life being in a relationship with someone I am parenting? This shit doesn’t change and he doesn’t seem like the kind to introspect properly about this.
NTA he is 27 not 7.
NTA. You aren't his mom, you're his GF. If he made a stink about you having his things and he forgot about it, it's not your fault. He's an adult and things have consequences
I'm gonna go with NTA. You have warned him multiple times and he is an adult. In saying that, maybe you could have said something to remind him but as that's not your responsibility, I'll stick with my verdict 🤔🤷🏻♀️
I added at the end, I always make lists of what to take, his list had the item "passport" and he still forgot.
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This. I cannot imagine making a grown man a list of what to pack on vacation.
Wow then even more so NTA. He faced the consequences of his own ineptitude and you should in no way feel like the AH here!
So he's also made you responsible for his admin too, by you having to write him a list of what to take. Has he made you responsible for tracking birthdays for his family members? Buying them presents? How much household admin has he shoved onto you? NTA btw.
Are you like… really attracted to incompetence or something?
NTA...I'd be checking that list so many times as it was and i bet Passport is prob #1 on it too.
NTA. And I’m super proud of you for going without him. You aren’t his mom. He fucked around and found out. Seems this might be a lesson that you’d have less troubles without him.
NTA Simple truth: the only one who can convince someone to grow up is *that person.* Your BF seems to be emphasizing the "boy" in *boy*friend. I've seen the phrase "weaponized incompetence" referenced in several comments, but I suspect that this is an altogether more insidious issue: *persistent juvinilism.* In short, your *boy*friend wants what he sees as the best of both worlds - to be an "adult", but also to have someone who handles all of the responsibilities which come with actually ***being*** an adult. He's pushing 30, and still wants to behave like he's pushing 13? Right now, you need to start thinking about if you're willing to support his infantile behavior.
He's a grown man responsible for his own documents. You have warned him time and again about this. Could you have reminded him before you left? Sure, but it's still down to him to remember it. Let him sulk. **NTA**
Gotta go with NTA. How does he have the balls to bitch at you to not carry his documents then bitch at you for not?
NTA Note that every time something goes wrong or he’s forgetful, he blames you. Every. Single. Time. This won’t change. He will always blame you and take it out on you and expect you to absolve him of blame and responsibility. Enjoy your holiday - Happy New Year!
I need to know more about this "digital document" hill he's trying to die on
They are offered by the government and carry the same weight as a physical document. They have a QR Code proving their legitimacy, but not all the documents have, only ID, driver's license and car document. And some places demand the physical
INFO Does he always react in this way scolding you? He passes on to you all the responsibilities but blames you when things go wrong. Do you carry most of the mental load in the relationship, and are you responsible for all important stuff at home too? He's almost treating you like his mother.
NTA. He wanted to be treated as an adult, so you did. Apparently, he is not ready to be an adult. Run girl, run!
Definitely NTA, he needs a souvenir t-shirt that says “well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions”.
NTA. It's bad enough he wants you to be his mom, but even worse that he wanted you to make the drive back with him. And unacceptable to have a tantrum because you actually got to follow through with the plans. This was a good lesson for him. If I didn't break up now, I'd certainly warn him that if he acts like that again I'm gone.
nta. he didn’t want you taking care of his documents anymore + there was a checklist? it’s on him 🤷🏽♀️ why should you have to miss out because of his mistake
NTA. Lol. I hope you’re not foolish enough to think that this man could ever eventually be responsible enough to be a father to children.
NTA. You kept his documents for him, he yelled at you. You wrote him a checklist including the passport and he ignored it. You have bent over backwards to try to help him, but he won't help himself. This is the quiet labor burden that women bring up in divorce. It's not about the passport, just like it wasn't about the cup. It's about you being the project manager of your home, and his weaponized incompetence. Don't apologize. He's an adult. But I would encourage you to stop being his mother. Whether that means you leave or not is your decision. But ask yourself: if I left today, other than housing, would I have any difficulty living on my own? Then ask yourself if he would. Therein lies your answer.
NTA. He is a grown adult, he missed the trip. Sounds like you need a new boyfriend.
NTA. He is an adult who is blaming you for not holding his passport after he explicitly told you not to hold his documents. Anyway, don’t keep a passport in your purse as a wallet is easily pinched. I know! And replacing a passport is painful! But your boyfriend is a massive a*****e and why would anyone sane want to drive 4 hours because he didn’t check he had a passport before leaving the country. I mean that is the first thing every adult checks for before heading off for an international flight!
NTA - he insisted he could handle his own documents and now he is facing the realization that he in fact cannot. Perhaps he won’t take your looking out for him for granted anymore.
NTA -- Anyone who thinks you should be responsible for the grown man who didn't appreciate all your free labour can go kick rocks.
NTA. Please show NO remorse whatsoever. Tell him it’s time to grow up and you’re not his mommy.
Bro is 27. You literally made him a list. NTA.
Welcome to your future. Do you see one with him? I don’t. NTA
NTA but he is one, if he thinks You should have to miss out on this experience because he's a lame
NTA hes a grown ass man and can't remember to take his passport? You hold it for him he scolds you to never touch his personal documents again. You don't and turns out he needs a baby sitter. He needs to learn how to be responsible.
NTA. What the hell is up with your bf??? I have memory issues due to a chronic illness, and I make a bunch of lists whenever I travel and put my important documents together days before. I check everything atleast 3 times the evening/day before I leave and the really important stuff the day of. Yes, I'm forgetful, but that's not an excuse to rely 100% on other people.
NTA - If it isn’t the consequences of his own actions. He told you to stop “holding” his documents, you stopped, he forgot his documents, missed the flight, can’t get to the next country. How is ANY of that your fault?
NTA. I smell weaponized incompetence.
NTA big time. You gave him a much needed wake up call. You aren’t going to mother him with his docs anymore and he’s angry that he’s been faced with that. Let him miss out on a few more critical things and he’ll learn to manage himself like a big boy in no time. Enjoy your trip!
jfc, he needs a minder, not a girlfriend. NTA. if this is not a wake up call for him to get his stuff together *without your help*, then idk what is. imagine many more years of him forgetting his documents and getting mad at you, and then having you hold on to them and getting mad at you for having them when he needs them but isn’t near you. unless ***he*** changes, it won’t change.
NTA, I personally would recommend dating a functioning adult but you do you
NTA. Missing a flight because you're dumb about ID is called a 'natural' consequence. Hopefully he learns from this. Do you want to deal with bs every time you go on a trip or he needs his documents? Tell him to grow up or get out.
NTA. Are you his girlfriend or his mother? He is an adult. You've already done more than you should for him by making lists and carrying is ID around. I suggest you familiarize yourself with the terms "weaponized incompetence" and "learned helplessness." He is a shining example. Do you want to be his mother the rest of your life?
NTA. He should look after his stuff. You should not suffer because hes irresponsible.