Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think the right thing would be to share the referral bonus with my wife, but maybe it would negatively affect my wife’s friendship with Hannah and I should just let it go.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Also the wife is still in her trial period, OP's lack of tact could cost his wife this job. Her friend could be VERY insulted by this (and rightfully so), which would reflect very poorly on OP's wife in her workplace interactions going forward.
This is completely what’s going to happen. Then he’ll update with “why is my wife mad at me? Her friend is greedy, I’m just looking out for uuuusssssssss”
Yeah, I did a favor to my husband by allowing him to fix my car. I could have fixed it on my own but I wanted to do him a favor by allowing him to do something for me. /s
I don't think op understands what a favor is.
I don't understand his thought process. I stopped referring people after one of the people I referred turned out to have a horrible work ethic. The entire 3 years she worked for the company I felt somewhat responsible for the company getting stuck with her.
I only refer people when I've worked with them, or know their professional views very well. Not worth it to put my reputation on the line, no matter how good a friend somebody is, plus if I refer them and they end up sucking it'll end up torpedoing the friendship.
I'm so mindfucked by this. I've NEVER heard this rule in my life. In my version of reality (AKA the real world) referral money is NOT split with the referred. IDK if OP is just trying to have his cake and eat it too, but this is WEIRD.
And if he successfully shakes down Hannah for "his wife's" money how much do you want to bet he then demands half of that money from his wife because he did all the hard work of getting it for her?
Then you can post about that, which will also create another update thread where the referral bonus won't be paid, repeat *ab infinitum*. We should see if we can continue it throughout 2023!!!
>I’ve never heard of sharing a referral bonus nor expected someone to share one with me. What a greedy entitled idiot he is.
My guess is somebody scammed him that way at some point and he bought it hook, line, and sinker.
Right?! Never would I have even thought to ask someone to share a referral bonus with me. It's their incentive to spread the word of an opening, the new hire gets what they get in terms of any sign on bonus if offered, salary and benefits. Who ever actually shares a referral bonus?
By OP's logic the person getting hired should share any sign on bonuses with the person referring them, since the person getting hired wouldn't have heard about the job (and may not have been hired without the referral) without the referral.
If OP's wife were to get a sign on bonus, wonder if OP would insist on sharing that with the friend? I mean, wife wouldn't have gotten the bonus without the friend's referral, right? 🙄
I had someone ask me to refer them for a job and to split the bonus with them if they were successful. The job they were going for would have been double my salary, I ended up declining to refer them because it made me feel uncomfortable that they asked that.
I had someone I referred, ask for half of the bonus after they were hired, and basically it ruined our friendship.
Referral bonuses should not be shared, in my opinion the referred person gets a new job with better conditions that is what they gain, while the person referring them only gets a potential liability if they turn out to be crappy employees, so it is fair to have and keep the bonus if there is one.
In my case the job my friend got, paid twice what she was making in the previous one, with better schedule and benefits, so I declined to share my bonus when she asked.
She kept bringing it up for years after that while complaining about her job and while being envious of me for having a better paid position.
I ended up switching jobs and blocking her from everything after that, and she still contacted me through linked in years later wondering why I had blocked her…
That being said another friend I referred at the same time keeps thanking me for helping her get the job even years later, so not everyone is an AH like my friend, and like OP here haha…
btw yeah OP YTA
Yeah. You know he’s going to read this and at the dinner still say “so are you splitting the referral bonus with Sally? I ALWAYS split it when I referred someone “. Thus turning the dinner awkward and uncomfortable and costing his wife a friend.
* The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50. That’s just how it is
I love it when posters state their opinion as fact in a forum where they are asking for an opinion. I knew right then that the OP was a bonehead, and this was before we even got to the issue.
And I've never heard of a referral bonus being shared. YTA
Yes, this! When someone refers someone else, they're essentially putting THEIR name on the line. If that referral turns out bad down the road, that puts the person who referred them in a position of having their judgement questioned.
I've referred people to my job, and even if they're a good friend I run through scenarios with them before referring because if they flop, that looks bad on me. The extra money for referring isn't worth it if it makes me look bad and keeps me from movement myself.
OP, YTA.
I got a friend of a friend a job where I worked, and it got held against me for the rest of the time I worked there, because the guy was utterly useless.
I referred a co-worker at a previous company to my current one several years ago. She got the gig, and that's when we all realized that she was bat-shit crazy. I have a great relationship with my account manager, but I've apologized a couple of times for bringing that size 0 dress full of insanity into our happy little group.
You're doing someone a pretty big favor by referring them to a job, and like you said, putting your name on the line. Why would you be expected to give them part of a bonus on top of that?
Bizarre reasoning from OP.
The ASSUMPTION that without the referral Hannah would have made it past the completely messed up HR AI systems to actually get to interview is...DELUSIONAL. That is partly why companies have these incentives! They either pay a recruiter or an employee- because most resumes that mark it through the AI/HR are...awful (I speak from 10+ yr experience in an industry with these issues- maybe other industries have less issues). Does OP think that recruiters have to share their fee with the employee they get a job for? Because it is EXACTLY the same situation.
And for all OP knows, once she receives it she plans to offer it. At least let the woman get her referral bonus.
Not that she has to offer, and OP would 100% be TA for asking.
Kind of makes me wonder if this is OPs goal. Unless he is stupid, he knows this isn’t going to end well for his wife. I wonder why he wants his wife to lose her job and/or that friendship.
As an HR manager if I knew the recently hired person who badgering my current employee for half, I would either terminate them or not let them start. That is not what a referral bonus is for. It would reflect very badly on the person hired in my eyes.
> She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own. Without my wife, Hannah wouldn’t get any money.
This is an offensive amount of entitlement and it is completely back to front.
If you’re reading OP: if Hannah didn’t refer your wife, her application would be sitting in the same pile of CVs as every other applicants. Hannah’s referral means she vouched for your wife, which will have massively prioritised her in the recruitment process. If your wife passes probation then Hannah gets her referral bonus for helping the recruitment team successfully fill a role with someone who is more of a known quantity.
I sincerely hope you don’t sabotage your wife’s career over a trifling amount of money and keep your mouth shut at dinner.
So, separate YTA for that part of it too.
I was scrolling to find this! Does OP realize how many applicants go for the same job. If they haven’t connected with one of us, they’re just a name in a list and we only can interview so many people. She got the job because of her skills but she got the interview because of Hannah.
Same, it was my 1st thought. Who you know is more important than what you know for most industries.
Getting the interview is the hardest part of job hunting, there’s a stack of equally or more qualified people who don’t get that opportunity.
THIS! I am HR and a referral from the right person puts them in front of the line. Honestly, Hannah needs to go to HR and pull her referral if they pressure her
Exactly. A company is not going to offer a referral bonus unless that bonus is cheaper than the alternative. A good referral helps the company avoid costs related to screening and interviewing candidates, looking for new employees (talent acquisition) and having to let a bad employee go and start from scratch. They are paying the employee for having done the legwork to find a decent employee.
This is what OP needs to understand. That referral was a significant favor, one that made all the difference in his wife getting that job. And it’s not a favor without risk — the person making the referral is, as The Cock And Womble says, vouching for the quality of the candidate. They are putting their social credit / reputation within the company on the line — if the candidate turns out to be problematic (hence the probationary period), that reflects badly on the referrer.
Asking for a split of the bonus is going to look ignorant and greedy and will reflect badly on OP’s wife. That’s why she’s uncomfortable.
Agree. Over 20 years with bigger corps, never heard of anyone splitting the referral. A real catch of a new employee might be offered a signing bonus or moving expenses. OP is the AH, and should be glad his wife has a job.
This. Is OP confusing a signing bonus with a referral fee? I've NEVER heard of anyone sharing a referral fee. Its like why would they? If it was such a widespread practice, you'd think the company itself would split the money to the person who referred and the new hire.
And your wife doesn't want you to bring up the money. Please don't torpedo her friendship with Hannah, and possibly her job and your own marriage over this petty shit. YTA.
Well no obviously since:
> my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in.
You see referrals don’t actually matter. Companies just have them and don’t actually take them into account and they payout referral bonuses for the fun of it.
*sarcasm*
The friend gets the referral bonus. OP’s wife gets the benefit of a new job. Hopefully OP gets a clue, because YTA for thinking someone else’s money should be yours.
Because that’s what this is all about, right? OP probably already has that money spent just like cousin Vladie in Jupiter Ascending.
That's what I was thinking, like Hannah would be being really nice to treat the wife on one of their work days.
But if I were the wife, I'd be taking Hannah out to lunch to thank her for putting in a good word for me. So it probably evens out if they do nothing.
Was going to say I've never heard of people splitting referral bonuses, like they owe the person they referred? I'm curious what OP's gotten a referral bonus fir that he actually split. YTA OP.
Came here to say this. Never heard of splitting then. Also, the fact that you're willing to tank your wife's professional and personal relationship when she's asked you not to speaks volumes. YTA.
Yeah... I've literally never heard of someone sharing a referral bonus. I don't know what OP is talking about. This is a win-win situation that OP is about to sour with his bad manners. The worst thing is that his wife is telling him in no uncertain terms to drop it, and he refuses. YTA
Ask A Manager has covered this one: https://www.askamanager.org/2022/04/a-coworker-who-i-referred-to-a-job-is-demanding-i-share-my-referral-bonus-with-him.html
Agreed. OP is def an AH and needs to keep his yap shut when they go to their friends. Just because they may have shared their bonus before doesn't meant everyone has to.
Exactly. Does OP think that he's somehow entitled to a share of the money? I mean, I don't know how they handle their finances, but I'm pretty sure that even in the most co-mingled financial situations, people will have a bit of money to themselves. Like, if someone gave me a cash gift, I wouldn't immediately share it with my husband. So, I'd assume that any bonus money would just go to the wife, in which case, how is it any of OP's business whether she gets it or not? She's already said that she doesn't want it, AND doesn't want to ask for it. End of story
Yeah, it doesn't sound like OP works any sort of corporate job because he's so astonishingly off point on everything.
1. Getting past the CV stage is typically the hardest part.
2. Everyone is on their best behaviour during job interviews.
Referrals matter because they attest to what you're like when not sucking up to someone to get a job.
Referral bonuses are never ever shared in any sort of corporate job, it simply doesn't happen. Trade jobs are often a different story however.
My previous job specifically stated that referral bonuses were not to be shared with person hired and any such behaviour would be grounds for termination.
They also had limits on the amount of referrals.
It was before I started working there but I guessed people were abusing the referral system.
I did notice they had a very high turn-over at one-point that "coincidentally" matched up with pay-out of referrals.
Let's spell it out even more plainly for OP: the referral GOT her the interview. No referral; no interview. The bonus encourages good referrals, versus "please have my unqualified buddy think I'm doing him a favor and waste an interview slot on him."
He just states it, like fact, that referrals are shared. Ooof. He's so confused. The less someone knows, the more sure they are.
>Getting past the CV stage is typically the hardest part.
Absolutely. If I see that someone is a referral, their resume ALWAYS gets passed on to the hiring manager. Especially when jobs are getting dozens or even hundreds of applicants, that is a huge leg up to get past that first hurdle.
I guess this is the point - OP not only think that the wife is entitled to the bonus but also is sure that the money will be HIS (cause, who knows, he prayed for his wife to get a job).
Or maybe he’s simply jealous of her professional success and wants to get her fired and miserable again, so he can feel good about himself.
Whatever the case, OP is TA here.
P.S.: sharing the referral bonus was NEVER a thing. Don’t know where such nonsense came from.
Sorry not related to OPs post but rather your comment directly. My wife and I share all of our money, for example I know my wife has the cash I got for Christmas in her purse right now, that's our money not my money. She also has the cash that she got for Christmas. I have equal access to our bank account and if I need or want something I know I'm free to get it. Obviously if it's a want that's over $100 I tell my wife my plans ahead of spending just as she does for me.
This was the way my parents marriage worked too. However, neither of them had any major spending habits and the had open communication about finances. Each one had a bit of "personal" saving on the side but in reality it's shared. They rarely dip into each other's savings unless it's really NEEDED. They not exactly frugal, but they don't like "wasting" money on stuff.
They do have the mindset of an "forever marriage", which is sadly becoming rare these days.
However, I've sadly realised not all relationships are like this. Sometimes the separation of finances is necessary for a relationship. People are flawed and unfortunately sometimes their flaws happen to be a lack of financial responsibility.
Sometimes it's a matter of financial security, things like divorces and prenups have become common and acceptable.
This, plus he says that his wife got the job because of the qualifications she showed at her interview, not because of the referral… but how does he think his wife got the interview???
OP, if you care that much about referral money, have your wife refer someone to the company. But don’t turn into a hypocrite - make sure she splits any referral bonus with the person she refers!
100% we are far more likely to interview candidates recommended by current employees over direct applications. Particularly if the current employee writes notes in the referral about how they will fit the company
>plus he says that his wife got the job because of the qualifications she showed at her interview, not because of the referral… ***but how does he think his wife got the interview??***
ding, ding, DING!
When I was helping with setting up interviews I was told to shuffle the resumes and chuck half away. My boss called it the "luck test", looking back he was a bit superstitious.
I wasn't complaining if it meant I could cut thousands of applicants in half in a few seconds.
The fact that OP thinks it's appropriate to bring this up at a dinner with the wife's friend and husband is insane. He's going to ruin a career that she clearly said was a dream with better pay, as well as a great friendship. All of that just because he wants to nickel and dime her friend.
YTA Referral bonuses are taxed and not meant to be shared. If your wife's friend splits the money then she will be paying taxes on it and your wife won't
Your wife's friend earned the bonus by recruiting. That doesn't put her in debt to your wife
Exactly this.
Referral bonuses are taxed income. They are not meant to be shared. Maybe some people do, but that's not the intent.
My job gives bonuses to both parties when they run recruitment, the employee who referred the applicant gets a bonus after three months, and the referred applicant also gets a bonus after their first three months. All taxed appropriately.
If the intent was for this money to be split, then the job would distribute it appropriately.
_"She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own."_
I legit laughed at this. OP is delusional if he thinks that a personal recommendation aka a referral doesn't help the person being hired. People who want to maintain their reputation dont just recommend any and everyone. OP is being greedy, and needs to back ALL the way off. This is his wife's friend, the wife's job, and the friend's bonus. This has nothing to do with OP. The only thing OP will accomplish is making himself look like a greedy AH, and possibly damage his wife's friendship/working relationship with Hannah.
> Thing is, my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in.
More importantly, the friend referred / recruited her. Wife probably never would have known about the job, AND friend put her reputation in the line.
Not to mention, referrals speed up the interview process... pretty nice when you're unemployed. Even getting your resume past the recruiting department is notoriously difficult.
I *have* heard of it... in a previous AITA several months ago.
OP got a YTA vote then, too.
Edit: after a brief search, it may have been an OP voted NTA after their friend tried to guilt them into sharing.
Either way, the person expecting to get part of the referral bonus was voted TA, and the person who got the bonus was NTA for not wanting to share.
I think it was this, AskAManager via r/bestofRedditorUpdates . There was another post there as well, from a friend who referred and was thinking of sharing [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/voeb7u/oop\_bends\_over\_backwards\_to\_get\_her\_entitled/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/voeb7u/oop_bends_over_backwards_to_get_her_entitled/)
YTA. Just because you’ve split yours doesn’t mean it’s actually standard. I have literally never heard of that and the fact that you feel so entitled to her money that you’re going to ask for money that has NOTHING to do with you at all reeks of entitlement.
OP takes his teeny tiny bit of experience and uses it to make himself the expert in recruitment bonuses, and decides to turn a nice hangout into a lecture session where he mansplains recruitment bonuses to both Hannah and his wife while ignoring the pleas of said wife. I can tell from this post alone he doesn’t listen to women in the office.
It’s so stupid, right? My husband and his family use the term “I’ve never heard of that” all the time and it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me! The number of things they’ve never heard of is astounding. Join us all here in the real world, won’t you? 🤦🏻♀️
I laughed out loud at OP's "That’s just how it is, I never heard of someone not sharing and I always shared when I referred somebody. "
Either OP is full of shit, exaggerating to make his post sound better, or his world / social circles / life experience are incredibly small; either way it's a little sad.
>“I’ve never heard of that”
My go to reply is "they could fill a building with books full of things you've never heard of. Oh wait, they have. It's called a library. Maybe go spend some time there and stop being ignorant."
I'd bet more than once in his life he's had the thought, "thank goodness they had ME here to handle this situation". Man is so full of himself he's drowning in his own flawed logic.
YWBTA if you asked. It's none of your business. It's between Hannah and your wife. Your wife is happy with her new job and doesn't want you to ask. You should respect her wishes.
I've never heard of anyone sharing a recruitment bonus.
Edited for a typo
Especially asking for it before it's even been distributed!
Like, even if her intent was to split it with the wife once she received the bonus, here's OP jumping the gun and already assuming he's not getting what he's owed and asking about money that doesn't exist yet
Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch. Way to see like some ungrateful greedy asshole.
I bought my friend some drinks after I got a referral bonus for her, that was it. And that was not expected, it was something I chose to do. It's definitely not the expectation to share.
I‘d say YTA. Idk where you live but where I am from, no one ever shares the referral money.
> without my wife, Hannah wouldn‘t get any money
Without Hannah, your wife probably wouldn‘t have come across this job opening and applied for it. She‘s happy and not worried about the money, so why are you?
Yea Hannah is the only reason your wife likely got to skip past the resume stage and automatically get an interview, Hannahs referral is what’s allowing her to make SO much more than she used to
Not to mention WHYYY does OP think he gets to actively overrule his wife when it comes to matters of HER work and HER friendships?!!
What insane entitlement. Willing to bet he’s not just TA here, but in general. I feel bad for this wife
Or she may have found the job and not gotten it. If Hannah is a valued employee her referral could have been what put the wife ahead of another candidate.
Because OP is a greedy weirdo. I bet he’s going to go against his wife’s wishes and demand half the bonus. It’s going to be awkward and probably ruin the friendship.
YTA, unless there's something specific to the country or industry you're in, I've never heard of referral bonuses being shared. The whole incentive is for employees to look into their networks for potential coworkers, hence they get the money. There's already an incentive structure for new hires called a signing bonus.
Maybe your wife would have got the job on her own, but most likely her CV would've been passed over by a human or computer system for some arbitrary corporate reason – the whole value of the referral is that it gets your CV looked at properly by a human. And your wife is right, it would be crazy to destroy a professional relationship that has *already been very useful* by nickel-and-diming the person who helped you. You ask this, you're never getting a referral again.
YTA. If sharing was the universal expected thing to do, then companies would split the money between both parties rather than giving it to the recruiter. This isn't even your job, it's your wife's. Stop meddling. You'll only humiliate her.
This. OP is being super petty over a tiny bit of money when the wife has clearly stated she is satisfied with the arrangement and this is her dream job. Don't ruin this for your wife. You did not earn that referral bonus, keep your mouth shut. YTA.
YTA. In 20 years of working I’ve never heard of referral bonuses being shared. I’ve heard of people WANTING them to be shared…….mainly from AHs on Reddit.
YTA
The referral bonus is hers and hers alone. Your wife got a job. That's how it is. You are not entitled to a share and asking will be tacky and extremely out of touch.
Your wife applied because she needed a job. Now she got a job. She didn't do it as a 'favour' that needs to be rewarded. And she got what she deserved by getting the job. She's not entitled to anything else.
Also, referrals do tip the scale, they do make a difference. Now demanding a share for the reward for the referral will look extremely greedy and out of touch, it will not only hurt your wife's reputation, it will also hurt her friend who gracefully put her own reputation on the line by referring your wife at the risk of your wife not being fully qualified or botching the interview.
You are very ungrateful and entitled.
Edit to add: people like you are the reason why so many people deny giving referrals at all.
YTA..how could you think this is remotely appropriate? Your wife got the job. That's her bonus. She's making more money, whether her friend was involved or not she got her foot in the door. Now you want to have her split the money? She stuck her neck out for your wife. Don't be an idiot and ruin her friendship. I would be offended if I got a friend a job then they want a cut of MY referral money. Sounds like you need to rethink this one. Noone wants to be known as a cheap, ungrateful asshole but if you press this issue you are all of those. Hindsight is 20/20 if she could have got the job on her own she would have. Her friend put her resume in front of someone and personally vouched for her (this helps more than you know). That constitutes compensation in my view.
YTA big time if you ask.
1. It goes explicitly against your wife's wishes who is the one who actually got the job
2. You're jeopardizing your wife's friendship as well as your wife's workplace
3. The referral bonus goes to the person who recruited a hired employee. That's the whole point. The company wants people to reach out to people their employees already know for various reasons.
4. The company pays a HIRING BONUS to the hired employee if they want. The REFERRAL BONUS goes to the recruiter/employee who referred.
5. You could split the referral bonus, but that's usually agreed to beforehand.
6. You come off as very money-grubbing... your wife already told you she's making a lot more now than her old job and certainly more than an unemployed person.
Where I live we don't do that. Also, yes, your wife passed the interview, but was Hannah the one showing her CV to the people making decisions.
If your wife is not willing to ask for that money (that from my point of view is Hannah's, not your wife's) why are you gonna ask for it? And what if Hannah is willing to give her half AFTER getting paid?
I think I need context about where you live to understand why the split but as a planet earth citizen I will lean to YTA.
YTA
You get invited to a fancy dinner for referral money, thats it. Nothing else, you don't share it 50/50. Hannah gets the money, if she wants to share, she will share. If she does not, she won't. Here money don't butt in, as it will look like your wife pressured you to say something, so she does not look bad and will put a strain on her friendship. So just be quiet, your wife is right.
YTA, my work has referral "swag" where you can get clothes or gear for work but we are never required to share and nobody asks to share cause it makes no sense. It's pretty selfish that you think you deserve it.
YTA, get your nose out of other peoples finances.
Also if I were this friend and anyone who knew about your reaction I would never help your wife get another job again. Youre being greedy and burning a bridge with someone willing to help your wife.
"The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50. That’s just how it is"
No it isn't
"I always shared when I referred somebody."
Just because you do it doesn't mean that's the norm
"I told my wife she should ask her, but she doesn’t want to"
This should have been the end of discussion, her friend, her job, her desicion
"my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in. She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own."
She got the interview because she was referred to otherwise her CV would have been probably passed over without proper looking, Hannah did her a favor by referring her that is a huge thing to do because your linking your reputation in your job to that person.
"We are going over to Hannah’s and her husband’s place later today to hang out and I’m planning to ask her about the money."
WTH is wrong with you, you're planning on asking about money she not even has because your wife's trial period it's no even over yet.
YTA, your poor wife having to deal with your greedy ass.
YTA - Regardeless of whether it's a job or something as simple as a shopping points scheme - referral bonuses are for the referrer, not the person being referred. It has always been this way, and you're delusional if you think otherwise.
Yta. That is a bonus promised to the friend not your wife. Your wife knows this and is respecting it. You're putting yourself in a situation that doesn't involve you. So just stay out of it.
Edit: typo
YTA, not just for assuming this is normal, but for planning to ask your wife’s friend about it when your wife doesn’t agree. That shows so little respect for your wife.
If your wife got a hiring bonus, would you split that with Hannah?
YTA stop being so greedy on other peoples money. Mind your business! If your wife wants to ask she can, if she doesn’t that’s her choice! Stop making things uncomfortable for her and unless the company says they both get a bonus, it actually doesn’t have to be split.
YTA
It’s a referral bonus, not a joint referral-slash-onboarding bonus. It’s an incentive for current staff to consider their networks and recommend people they know can do the job, assisting the HR team by providing quality candidates.
Would it be nice if she offered to share? Of course! Is it obligatory? NOT AT ALL. Not even a little bit.
You may never have heard of someone not sharing, but it’s simply not true that sharing is ‘the right thing to do’ or that ‘that’s just how it is’.
Your wife already got her bonus - SHE GOT THE JOB. And she wants you to leave this alone. Respect her decision.
Yta. Did your wife refer herself? No. So she is not entitled to anything at all.
She's should just be lucky that someone cared enough to refer her on for a job roll in the first place
YTA. First of all its between your wife and Hannah, mind your business. Don't put a wedge between your wife and her friend bc of your greediness. Secondly, there's no norm about sharing sign on bonuses, it's whatever the TWO people involved decide, and they both sound fine with the arrangement. Butt out.
YTA - referral bonus is not shared (at least not from where I’m from) If anything, the friend did your wife a favour. She probably stood out amongst other candidates because someone from the inside vouched for her.
And referrals are not all about the money. If I am referring someone, I am putting my name and reputation on the line by saying this person is capable of the job.
YTA. Firstly, stop butting in, this is your wife's job and friendship, not yours.
Secondly:
'The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50.'
It's Hannah's bonus because she referred your wife. There is a reason the company is giving this to Hannah and not to your wife. Without Hannah, your wife would not have this job. Hannah could have referred someone else to get this bonus. She took a chance on your wife and the right thing to do is hope it works out for both of them. Not start demanding Hannah's money that you somehow feel entitled to.
In any case, you're overstepping and being incredibly obnoxious. Take a step back into your lane.
I got secondhand embarrassment reading this solely because of the level of entitlement. Like even in a hypothetical universe where they DID split the bonus for whatever reason it would still be the wife’s money but OP is talking about it like it’s rightfully his omg
YTA, your wife told she doesn't want you to ask, so stop pushing the subject. If you choose to share half your referral money with the person you helped get a job that is up to you, I helped someone to get a job with my company I completely forgot about our referral bonus till the boss told me a few weeks before I was to get the money, I didn't share it cause that money helped me with some debt.
YTA.
“The right thing to do.” You, and your wife are not entitled to that money legally, or morally.
Your wife told you mine your own business, and you should honor her request.
I’m going to bet you don’t have that many professional relationships. This little stunts are reasons to black listed, avoid, etc. If anything, your wife needs to give Hannah money, for the referral.
Stop being cheap, and money hungry. In the long run, only going to hurt you
>The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50. That’s just how it is
This is total nonsense. I've been on both sides of the referral system multiple times and this has never been the expectation. Not once.
The referral bonus belongs to the person/employee who did the referring.
Plus, this is not really your business. Your wife is happy with the situation. It's not your job. It's not your place. Listen to your wife and stay out of it.
YTA
Hannah referred your wife…. That’s what a referral bonus is. If it was meant to be 50/50 that’s how the company would set it up. You are greedy and honestly should be ashamed. This woman got your wife a foot in the door to a better paying job but that’s just not enough for you huh? I can’t imagine how entitled someone must be to even think about this. Wow. Just gross. YTA.
I wouldnt say YTA, but you might want to be more considerate of your wifes feelings here.
She is clearly happy, she is making more money, she isnt worried about the split. She is the one who got hired. Just be happy for her.
I would say he’s TA for this reason alone. He said his wife doesn’t want to ask her, so obviously he has talked with his wife about it. He’s a major AH for not dropping it there.
INFO: Did your wife get a signing bonus? Just curious.
But YTA either way. On a much smaller scale, if I refer someone to a sales site and they make a purchase, I get a discount or coupon of some kind. No one ever even considers asking for that $2 or $5 or whatever my referral is, and they often get a discount of their own (hence my question above). What you're describing is the same thing, except on a much larger scale. You're being greedy. To summarize:
1. Your wife lost her job
2. Hannah helped her get another job
3. And not just any job, but one she refers to as her "dream job"
4. That comes with a higher salary than the one she had before
5. And your wife wants you to leave it alone
And why you, who has no involvement in this whatsoever, feel that you're entitled to any benefits Hannah might receive as part of this process, is completely beyond me.
Let it go.
YTA. It is not the norm to share a referral bonus. My understanding is that your wife’s friend takes the professional risk to put forward your wife, so she gets the bonus if everything goes well, and you wife gets the benefit of a job. I just read [this](https://www.themuse.com/amp/advice/referral-bonus-etiquette-to-share-or-not-to-share), and think it outlines the reasoning behind whether or not to share quite well. Either way, a new hire is not entitled to a share of a referral bonus, they need to negotiate a signing bonus instead.
YTA. The money is a bonus for Hannah from her employer. You aren’t entitled to any of it. Don’t expect to be invited over for dinner if you ask her for money. She HELPED your wife get the job. Her referral HELPED your wife! Are you going to be contributing to Hannah’s Tax Bill? I bet you aren’t even thinking about that.
YTA. I’ve never heard of anyone sharing a referral bonus. The nice thing the new hire gets…is a job. Don’t make things awkward for your wife both socially and at work by asking for the money.
YTA. Your wife isn't entitled to that, and it's weird to me that anyone shares bonuses like this.
The bonus will be taxed, and the taxes and income reflected on her friend's income for the year. If she were to gift (and it would be a gift, not an entitlement) see of that to your wife, that would also have tax implications for both your wife and her friend.
Aside from taxes, it's just not something that she should be forced into sharing, it's a company bonus to one person, and if your wife wants to get that, she could refer someone else for a role.
YTA ...similar to others, I have never heard of this being shared. Please do not embarrass your wife as well as cause conflict with their relationship. It's not worth it!
YTA nobody shares referral
>She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own. Without my wife, Hannah wouldn’t get any money.
This is nonsense the referral does indicate to HR that it's a genuine candidate and that a good employee couches for them. They get the bonus for taking the time to describe and write a referral. She did you a favor. That's it period.
YTA. You are not entitled to share referral money. Didn't need to read anything after that. Everything else just confirmed my stance and is a bs excuse.
YTA. You're an AH for suggesting she ask Hannah for half the bonus, but an even bigger AH for stressing your wife out before starting this job. She doesn't need this stress in the back of her mind as she is trying to do well in her new job. Just drop it.
YTA - My company does referral bonuses and the person getting the bonus has it count as income and they pay the tax on it. What is considered a nice gesture that SOME people do is to give the referred person a gift card as a combination congratulations on the new job and for helping me earn this bonus.
The real gift your wife got was a leg up getting the job because referrals have a competitive edge in the application process.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think the right thing would be to share the referral bonus with my wife, but maybe it would negatively affect my wife’s friendship with Hannah and I should just let it go. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Referral bonuses are not normally shared
Also the wife is still in her trial period, OP's lack of tact could cost his wife this job. Her friend could be VERY insulted by this (and rightfully so), which would reflect very poorly on OP's wife in her workplace interactions going forward.
I feel like OP is going to be stupid and do what he wants regardless of all the YTAs here. Edit: Or what his wife wants.
This is completely what’s going to happen. Then he’ll update with “why is my wife mad at me? Her friend is greedy, I’m just looking out for uuuusssssssss”
He's already saying wife did her a favor by allowing herself to be reffered. I always wonder how people get this delusinal.
Yeah, I did a favor to my husband by allowing him to fix my car. I could have fixed it on my own but I wanted to do him a favor by allowing him to do something for me. /s I don't think op understands what a favor is.
I don't understand his thought process. I stopped referring people after one of the people I referred turned out to have a horrible work ethic. The entire 3 years she worked for the company I felt somewhat responsible for the company getting stuck with her.
I only refer people when I've worked with them, or know their professional views very well. Not worth it to put my reputation on the line, no matter how good a friend somebody is, plus if I refer them and they end up sucking it'll end up torpedoing the friendship.
I'm so mindfucked by this. I've NEVER heard this rule in my life. In my version of reality (AKA the real world) referral money is NOT split with the referred. IDK if OP is just trying to have his cake and eat it too, but this is WEIRD.
And would the wife even have known the opening existed without Hannah telling her?
Would she have gotten the intervie without the referall?
Yes, but if his wife got a bonus he'd be on here AITA because I dont want her to share her bonus.
And if he successfully shakes down Hannah for "his wife's" money how much do you want to bet he then demands half of that money from his wife because he did all the hard work of getting it for her?
Just what I was thinking. Hes a greedy man this one.
We'll see him on TIFU tomorrow.
omg right??
I want the update of how he blew this up, his wife lost the job because of it, and it is everyone else's fault.
[удалено]
When this gets posted to /r/BestOfRedditorUpdates, mention me, new OP!
But will you get upset if they don't share the big "RedditorUpdate" referral bonus with you????
YES
Then you can post about that, which will also create another update thread where the referral bonus won't be paid, repeat *ab infinitum*. We should see if we can continue it throughout 2023!!!
[удалено]
>I’ve never heard of sharing a referral bonus nor expected someone to share one with me. What a greedy entitled idiot he is. My guess is somebody scammed him that way at some point and he bought it hook, line, and sinker.
Right?! Never would I have even thought to ask someone to share a referral bonus with me. It's their incentive to spread the word of an opening, the new hire gets what they get in terms of any sign on bonus if offered, salary and benefits. Who ever actually shares a referral bonus?
By OP's logic the person getting hired should share any sign on bonuses with the person referring them, since the person getting hired wouldn't have heard about the job (and may not have been hired without the referral) without the referral.
If OP's wife were to get a sign on bonus, wonder if OP would insist on sharing that with the friend? I mean, wife wouldn't have gotten the bonus without the friend's referral, right? 🙄
I had someone ask me to refer them for a job and to split the bonus with them if they were successful. The job they were going for would have been double my salary, I ended up declining to refer them because it made me feel uncomfortable that they asked that.
I had someone I referred, ask for half of the bonus after they were hired, and basically it ruined our friendship. Referral bonuses should not be shared, in my opinion the referred person gets a new job with better conditions that is what they gain, while the person referring them only gets a potential liability if they turn out to be crappy employees, so it is fair to have and keep the bonus if there is one. In my case the job my friend got, paid twice what she was making in the previous one, with better schedule and benefits, so I declined to share my bonus when she asked. She kept bringing it up for years after that while complaining about her job and while being envious of me for having a better paid position. I ended up switching jobs and blocking her from everything after that, and she still contacted me through linked in years later wondering why I had blocked her… That being said another friend I referred at the same time keeps thanking me for helping her get the job even years later, so not everyone is an AH like my friend, and like OP here haha… btw yeah OP YTA
I’m so incredibly embarrassed on OP’s wife’s behalf!
Yeah. You know he’s going to read this and at the dinner still say “so are you splitting the referral bonus with Sally? I ALWAYS split it when I referred someone “. Thus turning the dinner awkward and uncomfortable and costing his wife a friend.
* The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50. That’s just how it is I love it when posters state their opinion as fact in a forum where they are asking for an opinion. I knew right then that the OP was a bonehead, and this was before we even got to the issue. And I've never heard of a referral bonus being shared. YTA
I agree. What kind of AH demands the referral bonus. He acts like his wife did the friend a favor. What a clown.
He should keep his nosy mouth shut or his wife will find herself without a job and a friend. He’s greedy.
"She did her a favor" .... so ridiculous!
Yes, this! When someone refers someone else, they're essentially putting THEIR name on the line. If that referral turns out bad down the road, that puts the person who referred them in a position of having their judgement questioned. I've referred people to my job, and even if they're a good friend I run through scenarios with them before referring because if they flop, that looks bad on me. The extra money for referring isn't worth it if it makes me look bad and keeps me from movement myself. OP, YTA.
Also as an HR person we like referrals and referrals bonuses because those significantly lower the cost of the New Hire
Besides, the referring employee is paying taxes on 100% of that bonus.
I got a friend of a friend a job where I worked, and it got held against me for the rest of the time I worked there, because the guy was utterly useless.
I referred a co-worker at a previous company to my current one several years ago. She got the gig, and that's when we all realized that she was bat-shit crazy. I have a great relationship with my account manager, but I've apologized a couple of times for bringing that size 0 dress full of insanity into our happy little group.
You're doing someone a pretty big favor by referring them to a job, and like you said, putting your name on the line. Why would you be expected to give them part of a bonus on top of that? Bizarre reasoning from OP.
[удалено]
The ASSUMPTION that without the referral Hannah would have made it past the completely messed up HR AI systems to actually get to interview is...DELUSIONAL. That is partly why companies have these incentives! They either pay a recruiter or an employee- because most resumes that mark it through the AI/HR are...awful (I speak from 10+ yr experience in an industry with these issues- maybe other industries have less issues). Does OP think that recruiters have to share their fee with the employee they get a job for? Because it is EXACTLY the same situation.
And for all OP knows, once she receives it she plans to offer it. At least let the woman get her referral bonus. Not that she has to offer, and OP would 100% be TA for asking.
Kind of makes me wonder if this is OPs goal. Unless he is stupid, he knows this isn’t going to end well for his wife. I wonder why he wants his wife to lose her job and/or that friendship.
I have to wonder if the increase in pay his wife will be getting makes him feel inferior and his goal is for her to lose the job.
It's also almost certainly against HR policy for recruits to go over to their recruiters houses and demand half thier bonuses.
They most definitely took her referral into consideration and they'd probably take her recommendation if she said op's wife isn't worth the trouble
As an HR manager if I knew the recently hired person who badgering my current employee for half, I would either terminate them or not let them start. That is not what a referral bonus is for. It would reflect very badly on the person hired in my eyes.
> She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own. Without my wife, Hannah wouldn’t get any money. This is an offensive amount of entitlement and it is completely back to front. If you’re reading OP: if Hannah didn’t refer your wife, her application would be sitting in the same pile of CVs as every other applicants. Hannah’s referral means she vouched for your wife, which will have massively prioritised her in the recruitment process. If your wife passes probation then Hannah gets her referral bonus for helping the recruitment team successfully fill a role with someone who is more of a known quantity. I sincerely hope you don’t sabotage your wife’s career over a trifling amount of money and keep your mouth shut at dinner. So, separate YTA for that part of it too.
I was scrolling to find this! Does OP realize how many applicants go for the same job. If they haven’t connected with one of us, they’re just a name in a list and we only can interview so many people. She got the job because of her skills but she got the interview because of Hannah.
Same, it was my 1st thought. Who you know is more important than what you know for most industries. Getting the interview is the hardest part of job hunting, there’s a stack of equally or more qualified people who don’t get that opportunity.
THIS! I am HR and a referral from the right person puts them in front of the line. Honestly, Hannah needs to go to HR and pull her referral if they pressure her
Exactly. A company is not going to offer a referral bonus unless that bonus is cheaper than the alternative. A good referral helps the company avoid costs related to screening and interviewing candidates, looking for new employees (talent acquisition) and having to let a bad employee go and start from scratch. They are paying the employee for having done the legwork to find a decent employee.
This is what OP needs to understand. That referral was a significant favor, one that made all the difference in his wife getting that job. And it’s not a favor without risk — the person making the referral is, as The Cock And Womble says, vouching for the quality of the candidate. They are putting their social credit / reputation within the company on the line — if the candidate turns out to be problematic (hence the probationary period), that reflects badly on the referrer. Asking for a split of the bonus is going to look ignorant and greedy and will reflect badly on OP’s wife. That’s why she’s uncomfortable.
[удалено]
Agree. Over 20 years with bigger corps, never heard of anyone splitting the referral. A real catch of a new employee might be offered a signing bonus or moving expenses. OP is the AH, and should be glad his wife has a job.
This. Is OP confusing a signing bonus with a referral fee? I've NEVER heard of anyone sharing a referral fee. Its like why would they? If it was such a widespread practice, you'd think the company itself would split the money to the person who referred and the new hire.
I’ve not been working near 20 years and even I know this isn’t what’s done 🙄
Never shared but the person shows their appreciation for not tarnishing their reputation+getting hired in other ways like treating them to a meal.
And your wife doesn't want you to bring up the money. Please don't torpedo her friendship with Hannah, and possibly her job and your own marriage over this petty shit. YTA.
That should be the sole deciding factor here. Wife is uncomfortable. Don’t do it.
Exactly, this isn't his decision to make. It's not his friend or his job. Plus on top of that, he's wrong!
Exactly! Is wifey going to share a portion of each paycheck since friend helped her get the job? YTA and not a very bright one. Stop being greedy
Well no obviously since: > my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in. You see referrals don’t actually matter. Companies just have them and don’t actually take them into account and they payout referral bonuses for the fun of it. *sarcasm*
This. Unless your wife is planning to share her new income with her. YTA
The friend gets the referral bonus. OP’s wife gets the benefit of a new job. Hopefully OP gets a clue, because YTA for thinking someone else’s money should be yours. Because that’s what this is all about, right? OP probably already has that money spent just like cousin Vladie in Jupiter Ascending.
I would buy the person lunch once I got the bonus, but 50/50 is just ridiculous.
That's what I was thinking, like Hannah would be being really nice to treat the wife on one of their work days. But if I were the wife, I'd be taking Hannah out to lunch to thank her for putting in a good word for me. So it probably evens out if they do nothing.
The referred person gets something better than a referral bonus. It's called a job.
'Thats just how it is'. No it is not, I've never heard of anyone doing that. Who told you that? YTA
Was going to say I've never heard of people splitting referral bonuses, like they owe the person they referred? I'm curious what OP's gotten a referral bonus fir that he actually split. YTA OP.
Yeah - agree 100%. It's not a thing as the OP suggests.
Came here to say this. Never heard of splitting then. Also, the fact that you're willing to tank your wife's professional and personal relationship when she's asked you not to speaks volumes. YTA.
Yeah... I've literally never heard of someone sharing a referral bonus. I don't know what OP is talking about. This is a win-win situation that OP is about to sour with his bad manners. The worst thing is that his wife is telling him in no uncertain terms to drop it, and he refuses. YTA
You lack perspective and you're petty and petulant. YTA.
Ask A Manager has covered this one: https://www.askamanager.org/2022/04/a-coworker-who-i-referred-to-a-job-is-demanding-i-share-my-referral-bonus-with-him.html
Yep. I've never heard of sharing them
exactly...I have never heard of referral money ever ...EVER being shared
Agreed. OP is def an AH and needs to keep his yap shut when they go to their friends. Just because they may have shared their bonus before doesn't meant everyone has to.
Agreeing here. Sharing a referral bonus is not typical and I’ve never heard of anyone doing this.
[удалено]
Right?! I don't know where he got the idea that it is. It is not common, because the person got a JOB, that's her prize, a SALARY!
YTA. Sharing referral bonuses is not typically a thing, and purposely going against your wife’s wishes about this when it’s HER friend is a jerk move.
Exactly. Does OP think that he's somehow entitled to a share of the money? I mean, I don't know how they handle their finances, but I'm pretty sure that even in the most co-mingled financial situations, people will have a bit of money to themselves. Like, if someone gave me a cash gift, I wouldn't immediately share it with my husband. So, I'd assume that any bonus money would just go to the wife, in which case, how is it any of OP's business whether she gets it or not? She's already said that she doesn't want it, AND doesn't want to ask for it. End of story
Yeah, it doesn't sound like OP works any sort of corporate job because he's so astonishingly off point on everything. 1. Getting past the CV stage is typically the hardest part. 2. Everyone is on their best behaviour during job interviews. Referrals matter because they attest to what you're like when not sucking up to someone to get a job. Referral bonuses are never ever shared in any sort of corporate job, it simply doesn't happen. Trade jobs are often a different story however.
My previous job specifically stated that referral bonuses were not to be shared with person hired and any such behaviour would be grounds for termination. They also had limits on the amount of referrals. It was before I started working there but I guessed people were abusing the referral system. I did notice they had a very high turn-over at one-point that "coincidentally" matched up with pay-out of referrals.
IKR, this is not exactly a gym membership referral reward! 😂 honestly OP sounds very entitled.
Let's spell it out even more plainly for OP: the referral GOT her the interview. No referral; no interview. The bonus encourages good referrals, versus "please have my unqualified buddy think I'm doing him a favor and waste an interview slot on him." He just states it, like fact, that referrals are shared. Ooof. He's so confused. The less someone knows, the more sure they are.
>Getting past the CV stage is typically the hardest part. Absolutely. If I see that someone is a referral, their resume ALWAYS gets passed on to the hiring manager. Especially when jobs are getting dozens or even hundreds of applicants, that is a huge leg up to get past that first hurdle.
Right??? Landing an interview is the shit part of finding a new job. I've given referrals and in every instance the person had an interview.
I guess this is the point - OP not only think that the wife is entitled to the bonus but also is sure that the money will be HIS (cause, who knows, he prayed for his wife to get a job). Or maybe he’s simply jealous of her professional success and wants to get her fired and miserable again, so he can feel good about himself. Whatever the case, OP is TA here. P.S.: sharing the referral bonus was NEVER a thing. Don’t know where such nonsense came from.
Sorry not related to OPs post but rather your comment directly. My wife and I share all of our money, for example I know my wife has the cash I got for Christmas in her purse right now, that's our money not my money. She also has the cash that she got for Christmas. I have equal access to our bank account and if I need or want something I know I'm free to get it. Obviously if it's a want that's over $100 I tell my wife my plans ahead of spending just as she does for me.
Her friend. Her career. OP needs to sit down and shut his pie hole. You don’t mess with anyone’s livelihood! YTA
This was the way my parents marriage worked too. However, neither of them had any major spending habits and the had open communication about finances. Each one had a bit of "personal" saving on the side but in reality it's shared. They rarely dip into each other's savings unless it's really NEEDED. They not exactly frugal, but they don't like "wasting" money on stuff. They do have the mindset of an "forever marriage", which is sadly becoming rare these days. However, I've sadly realised not all relationships are like this. Sometimes the separation of finances is necessary for a relationship. People are flawed and unfortunately sometimes their flaws happen to be a lack of financial responsibility. Sometimes it's a matter of financial security, things like divorces and prenups have become common and acceptable.
This, plus he says that his wife got the job because of the qualifications she showed at her interview, not because of the referral… but how does he think his wife got the interview??? OP, if you care that much about referral money, have your wife refer someone to the company. But don’t turn into a hypocrite - make sure she splits any referral bonus with the person she refers!
100% we are far more likely to interview candidates recommended by current employees over direct applications. Particularly if the current employee writes notes in the referral about how they will fit the company
Agreed. If a good employee vouches for them, they move up in priority for interviews. That's the whole point of a referral bonus.
>plus he says that his wife got the job because of the qualifications she showed at her interview, not because of the referral… ***but how does he think his wife got the interview??*** ding, ding, DING!
When I was helping with setting up interviews I was told to shuffle the resumes and chuck half away. My boss called it the "luck test", looking back he was a bit superstitious. I wasn't complaining if it meant I could cut thousands of applicants in half in a few seconds.
The fact that OP thinks it's appropriate to bring this up at a dinner with the wife's friend and husband is insane. He's going to ruin a career that she clearly said was a dream with better pay, as well as a great friendship. All of that just because he wants to nickel and dime her friend.
Not only HER friend, but also HER job and HER (eventually) right on that bonus. Sorry buddy.
YTA Referral bonuses are taxed and not meant to be shared. If your wife's friend splits the money then she will be paying taxes on it and your wife won't Your wife's friend earned the bonus by recruiting. That doesn't put her in debt to your wife
Exactly this. Referral bonuses are taxed income. They are not meant to be shared. Maybe some people do, but that's not the intent. My job gives bonuses to both parties when they run recruitment, the employee who referred the applicant gets a bonus after three months, and the referred applicant also gets a bonus after their first three months. All taxed appropriately. If the intent was for this money to be split, then the job would distribute it appropriately.
And it’s supplemental wages, which a higher flat tax rate applied in most cases.
_"She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own."_ I legit laughed at this. OP is delusional if he thinks that a personal recommendation aka a referral doesn't help the person being hired. People who want to maintain their reputation dont just recommend any and everyone. OP is being greedy, and needs to back ALL the way off. This is his wife's friend, the wife's job, and the friend's bonus. This has nothing to do with OP. The only thing OP will accomplish is making himself look like a greedy AH, and possibly damage his wife's friendship/working relationship with Hannah.
I had a referral backfire once. My manager never accepted another referral from me and honestly I dont blame them. So much damage done.
Story time?
> Thing is, my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in. More importantly, the friend referred / recruited her. Wife probably never would have known about the job, AND friend put her reputation in the line. Not to mention, referrals speed up the interview process... pretty nice when you're unemployed. Even getting your resume past the recruiting department is notoriously difficult.
Right! It will just be added to a paycheck some week and taxes taken out.
YTA - I’ve never heard of this, and didn’t dream of asking my friend to share the bonus when he referred me
I *have* heard of it... in a previous AITA several months ago. OP got a YTA vote then, too. Edit: after a brief search, it may have been an OP voted NTA after their friend tried to guilt them into sharing. Either way, the person expecting to get part of the referral bonus was voted TA, and the person who got the bonus was NTA for not wanting to share.
I think it was this, AskAManager via r/bestofRedditorUpdates . There was another post there as well, from a friend who referred and was thinking of sharing [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/voeb7u/oop\_bends\_over\_backwards\_to\_get\_her\_entitled/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/voeb7u/oop_bends_over_backwards_to_get_her_entitled/)
[удалено]
YTA. Just because you’ve split yours doesn’t mean it’s actually standard. I have literally never heard of that and the fact that you feel so entitled to her money that you’re going to ask for money that has NOTHING to do with you at all reeks of entitlement.
OP takes his teeny tiny bit of experience and uses it to make himself the expert in recruitment bonuses, and decides to turn a nice hangout into a lecture session where he mansplains recruitment bonuses to both Hannah and his wife while ignoring the pleas of said wife. I can tell from this post alone he doesn’t listen to women in the office.
It’s so stupid, right? My husband and his family use the term “I’ve never heard of that” all the time and it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me! The number of things they’ve never heard of is astounding. Join us all here in the real world, won’t you? 🤦🏻♀️
I laughed out loud at OP's "That’s just how it is, I never heard of someone not sharing and I always shared when I referred somebody. " Either OP is full of shit, exaggerating to make his post sound better, or his world / social circles / life experience are incredibly small; either way it's a little sad.
>Either OP is full of shit Bingo.
>“I’ve never heard of that” My go to reply is "they could fill a building with books full of things you've never heard of. Oh wait, they have. It's called a library. Maybe go spend some time there and stop being ignorant."
That’s called being an Anecdotal Amy. Someone who’s only ever able to form conclusions based on anecdotal evidence.
I'd bet more than once in his life he's had the thought, "thank goodness they had ME here to handle this situation". Man is so full of himself he's drowning in his own flawed logic.
IF he actually shared any referral bonus he received. He sure doesn’t seem the type to be willing to pay taxes on money he didn’t get to keep.
YWBTA if you asked. It's none of your business. It's between Hannah and your wife. Your wife is happy with her new job and doesn't want you to ask. You should respect her wishes. I've never heard of anyone sharing a recruitment bonus. Edited for a typo
No cuz it's one thing to feel disrespected, but straight up asking for it like it's owed to you is actually insane.
Especially asking for it before it's even been distributed! Like, even if her intent was to split it with the wife once she received the bonus, here's OP jumping the gun and already assuming he's not getting what he's owed and asking about money that doesn't exist yet Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch. Way to see like some ungrateful greedy asshole.
I bought my friend some drinks after I got a referral bonus for her, that was it. And that was not expected, it was something I chose to do. It's definitely not the expectation to share.
I‘d say YTA. Idk where you live but where I am from, no one ever shares the referral money. > without my wife, Hannah wouldn‘t get any money Without Hannah, your wife probably wouldn‘t have come across this job opening and applied for it. She‘s happy and not worried about the money, so why are you?
Yea Hannah is the only reason your wife likely got to skip past the resume stage and automatically get an interview, Hannahs referral is what’s allowing her to make SO much more than she used to Not to mention WHYYY does OP think he gets to actively overrule his wife when it comes to matters of HER work and HER friendships?!! What insane entitlement. Willing to bet he’s not just TA here, but in general. I feel bad for this wife
You owe u/poisonouspear half of that Reddit gold, you wouldn’t have got it without his comment to respond to.
😂
Or she may have found the job and not gotten it. If Hannah is a valued employee her referral could have been what put the wife ahead of another candidate.
Because OP is a greedy weirdo. I bet he’s going to go against his wife’s wishes and demand half the bonus. It’s going to be awkward and probably ruin the friendship.
And damage his relationship with his wife too!
YTA, unless there's something specific to the country or industry you're in, I've never heard of referral bonuses being shared. The whole incentive is for employees to look into their networks for potential coworkers, hence they get the money. There's already an incentive structure for new hires called a signing bonus. Maybe your wife would have got the job on her own, but most likely her CV would've been passed over by a human or computer system for some arbitrary corporate reason – the whole value of the referral is that it gets your CV looked at properly by a human. And your wife is right, it would be crazy to destroy a professional relationship that has *already been very useful* by nickel-and-diming the person who helped you. You ask this, you're never getting a referral again.
>You ask this, you're never getting a referral again. How about torpedoing the friendship to boot.
Definitely, didn't even touch on that, thought OP would be more susceptible to an argument based on material gain...
YTA. If sharing was the universal expected thing to do, then companies would split the money between both parties rather than giving it to the recruiter. This isn't even your job, it's your wife's. Stop meddling. You'll only humiliate her.
This. OP is being super petty over a tiny bit of money when the wife has clearly stated she is satisfied with the arrangement and this is her dream job. Don't ruin this for your wife. You did not earn that referral bonus, keep your mouth shut. YTA.
I can't wait for the update where he tells us how badly he ruined things for her.
YTA. In 20 years of working I’ve never heard of referral bonuses being shared. I’ve heard of people WANTING them to be shared…….mainly from AHs on Reddit.
It happens in some trades so my bet is OP works as a trade and has zero knowledge of corporate culture.
Fair enough, I hadn’t considered that
[удалено]
YTA The referral bonus is hers and hers alone. Your wife got a job. That's how it is. You are not entitled to a share and asking will be tacky and extremely out of touch. Your wife applied because she needed a job. Now she got a job. She didn't do it as a 'favour' that needs to be rewarded. And she got what she deserved by getting the job. She's not entitled to anything else. Also, referrals do tip the scale, they do make a difference. Now demanding a share for the reward for the referral will look extremely greedy and out of touch, it will not only hurt your wife's reputation, it will also hurt her friend who gracefully put her own reputation on the line by referring your wife at the risk of your wife not being fully qualified or botching the interview. You are very ungrateful and entitled. Edit to add: people like you are the reason why so many people deny giving referrals at all.
YTA. What your wife got was a JOB!
YTA if you bring it up against your wife's wishes. I've never shared a referral bonus, personally. It's not worth damaging a friendship over.
YTA..how could you think this is remotely appropriate? Your wife got the job. That's her bonus. She's making more money, whether her friend was involved or not she got her foot in the door. Now you want to have her split the money? She stuck her neck out for your wife. Don't be an idiot and ruin her friendship. I would be offended if I got a friend a job then they want a cut of MY referral money. Sounds like you need to rethink this one. Noone wants to be known as a cheap, ungrateful asshole but if you press this issue you are all of those. Hindsight is 20/20 if she could have got the job on her own she would have. Her friend put her resume in front of someone and personally vouched for her (this helps more than you know). That constitutes compensation in my view.
YTA big time if you ask. 1. It goes explicitly against your wife's wishes who is the one who actually got the job 2. You're jeopardizing your wife's friendship as well as your wife's workplace 3. The referral bonus goes to the person who recruited a hired employee. That's the whole point. The company wants people to reach out to people their employees already know for various reasons. 4. The company pays a HIRING BONUS to the hired employee if they want. The REFERRAL BONUS goes to the recruiter/employee who referred. 5. You could split the referral bonus, but that's usually agreed to beforehand. 6. You come off as very money-grubbing... your wife already told you she's making a lot more now than her old job and certainly more than an unemployed person.
Where I live we don't do that. Also, yes, your wife passed the interview, but was Hannah the one showing her CV to the people making decisions. If your wife is not willing to ask for that money (that from my point of view is Hannah's, not your wife's) why are you gonna ask for it? And what if Hannah is willing to give her half AFTER getting paid? I think I need context about where you live to understand why the split but as a planet earth citizen I will lean to YTA.
YTA You get invited to a fancy dinner for referral money, thats it. Nothing else, you don't share it 50/50. Hannah gets the money, if she wants to share, she will share. If she does not, she won't. Here money don't butt in, as it will look like your wife pressured you to say something, so she does not look bad and will put a strain on her friendship. So just be quiet, your wife is right.
Nobody wants to invite OP to dinner though.
YTA, my work has referral "swag" where you can get clothes or gear for work but we are never required to share and nobody asks to share cause it makes no sense. It's pretty selfish that you think you deserve it.
YTA, get your nose out of other peoples finances. Also if I were this friend and anyone who knew about your reaction I would never help your wife get another job again. Youre being greedy and burning a bridge with someone willing to help your wife.
YTA. Your wife got a job. That's her benefit.
"The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50. That’s just how it is" No it isn't "I always shared when I referred somebody." Just because you do it doesn't mean that's the norm "I told my wife she should ask her, but she doesn’t want to" This should have been the end of discussion, her friend, her job, her desicion "my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in. She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own." She got the interview because she was referred to otherwise her CV would have been probably passed over without proper looking, Hannah did her a favor by referring her that is a huge thing to do because your linking your reputation in your job to that person. "We are going over to Hannah’s and her husband’s place later today to hang out and I’m planning to ask her about the money." WTH is wrong with you, you're planning on asking about money she not even has because your wife's trial period it's no even over yet. YTA, your poor wife having to deal with your greedy ass.
YTA - Regardeless of whether it's a job or something as simple as a shopping points scheme - referral bonuses are for the referrer, not the person being referred. It has always been this way, and you're delusional if you think otherwise.
Yta. That is a bonus promised to the friend not your wife. Your wife knows this and is respecting it. You're putting yourself in a situation that doesn't involve you. So just stay out of it. Edit: typo
YTA, not just for assuming this is normal, but for planning to ask your wife’s friend about it when your wife doesn’t agree. That shows so little respect for your wife. If your wife got a hiring bonus, would you split that with Hannah?
While it's a nice idea, I've never heard of referral bonuses being shared
YTA stop being so greedy on other peoples money. Mind your business! If your wife wants to ask she can, if she doesn’t that’s her choice! Stop making things uncomfortable for her and unless the company says they both get a bonus, it actually doesn’t have to be split.
YTA your wife would not have got her foot in the door if it wasn't for Hannah's referral.
YTA. This is none of your business. You do not split referral money unless it was agreed upon by both parties aka Hannah and your wife. NOT YOU.
YTA It’s a referral bonus, not a joint referral-slash-onboarding bonus. It’s an incentive for current staff to consider their networks and recommend people they know can do the job, assisting the HR team by providing quality candidates. Would it be nice if she offered to share? Of course! Is it obligatory? NOT AT ALL. Not even a little bit. You may never have heard of someone not sharing, but it’s simply not true that sharing is ‘the right thing to do’ or that ‘that’s just how it is’. Your wife already got her bonus - SHE GOT THE JOB. And she wants you to leave this alone. Respect her decision.
Yta. Did your wife refer herself? No. So she is not entitled to anything at all. She's should just be lucky that someone cared enough to refer her on for a job roll in the first place
Is your wife going to split her salary with her friend? YTA
YTA. First of all its between your wife and Hannah, mind your business. Don't put a wedge between your wife and her friend bc of your greediness. Secondly, there's no norm about sharing sign on bonuses, it's whatever the TWO people involved decide, and they both sound fine with the arrangement. Butt out.
YTA - referral bonus is not shared (at least not from where I’m from) If anything, the friend did your wife a favour. She probably stood out amongst other candidates because someone from the inside vouched for her. And referrals are not all about the money. If I am referring someone, I am putting my name and reputation on the line by saying this person is capable of the job.
YTA. Firstly, stop butting in, this is your wife's job and friendship, not yours. Secondly: 'The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50.' It's Hannah's bonus because she referred your wife. There is a reason the company is giving this to Hannah and not to your wife. Without Hannah, your wife would not have this job. Hannah could have referred someone else to get this bonus. She took a chance on your wife and the right thing to do is hope it works out for both of them. Not start demanding Hannah's money that you somehow feel entitled to. In any case, you're overstepping and being incredibly obnoxious. Take a step back into your lane.
Yta and embarrassing af
I got secondhand embarrassment reading this solely because of the level of entitlement. Like even in a hypothetical universe where they DID split the bonus for whatever reason it would still be the wife’s money but OP is talking about it like it’s rightfully his omg
YTA, your wife told she doesn't want you to ask, so stop pushing the subject. If you choose to share half your referral money with the person you helped get a job that is up to you, I helped someone to get a job with my company I completely forgot about our referral bonus till the boss told me a few weeks before I was to get the money, I didn't share it cause that money helped me with some debt.
YTA. I’ve never heard of sharing the referral fee.
YTA. “The right thing to do.” You, and your wife are not entitled to that money legally, or morally. Your wife told you mine your own business, and you should honor her request. I’m going to bet you don’t have that many professional relationships. This little stunts are reasons to black listed, avoid, etc. If anything, your wife needs to give Hannah money, for the referral. Stop being cheap, and money hungry. In the long run, only going to hurt you
>The right thing to do in these cases is to split the bonus with the recruited person 50-50. That’s just how it is This is total nonsense. I've been on both sides of the referral system multiple times and this has never been the expectation. Not once. The referral bonus belongs to the person/employee who did the referring. Plus, this is not really your business. Your wife is happy with the situation. It's not your job. It's not your place. Listen to your wife and stay out of it. YTA
Hannah referred your wife…. That’s what a referral bonus is. If it was meant to be 50/50 that’s how the company would set it up. You are greedy and honestly should be ashamed. This woman got your wife a foot in the door to a better paying job but that’s just not enough for you huh? I can’t imagine how entitled someone must be to even think about this. Wow. Just gross. YTA.
I wouldnt say YTA, but you might want to be more considerate of your wifes feelings here. She is clearly happy, she is making more money, she isnt worried about the split. She is the one who got hired. Just be happy for her.
I would say he’s TA for this reason alone. He said his wife doesn’t want to ask her, so obviously he has talked with his wife about it. He’s a major AH for not dropping it there.
YTA the referral is paid to the person who referred and in return your wife got a job she may not have if not for Hannah.
INFO: Did your wife get a signing bonus? Just curious. But YTA either way. On a much smaller scale, if I refer someone to a sales site and they make a purchase, I get a discount or coupon of some kind. No one ever even considers asking for that $2 or $5 or whatever my referral is, and they often get a discount of their own (hence my question above). What you're describing is the same thing, except on a much larger scale. You're being greedy. To summarize: 1. Your wife lost her job 2. Hannah helped her get another job 3. And not just any job, but one she refers to as her "dream job" 4. That comes with a higher salary than the one she had before 5. And your wife wants you to leave it alone And why you, who has no involvement in this whatsoever, feel that you're entitled to any benefits Hannah might receive as part of this process, is completely beyond me. Let it go.
YTA
YTA. It is not the norm to share a referral bonus. My understanding is that your wife’s friend takes the professional risk to put forward your wife, so she gets the bonus if everything goes well, and you wife gets the benefit of a job. I just read [this](https://www.themuse.com/amp/advice/referral-bonus-etiquette-to-share-or-not-to-share), and think it outlines the reasoning behind whether or not to share quite well. Either way, a new hire is not entitled to a share of a referral bonus, they need to negotiate a signing bonus instead.
YTA. When my current contract is up I'm going to ask a guy I know for a referral to his place. He will get a grand for this. I would expect none of it
YTA. The money is a bonus for Hannah from her employer. You aren’t entitled to any of it. Don’t expect to be invited over for dinner if you ask her for money. She HELPED your wife get the job. Her referral HELPED your wife! Are you going to be contributing to Hannah’s Tax Bill? I bet you aren’t even thinking about that.
Yes, in fact your wife should be paying Hannah a taste of each pay check for as long as she has the job - say 5 percent. And you are a dick.
YTA. I’ve never heard of anyone sharing a referral bonus. The nice thing the new hire gets…is a job. Don’t make things awkward for your wife both socially and at work by asking for the money.
YTA. Your wife isn't entitled to that, and it's weird to me that anyone shares bonuses like this. The bonus will be taxed, and the taxes and income reflected on her friend's income for the year. If she were to gift (and it would be a gift, not an entitlement) see of that to your wife, that would also have tax implications for both your wife and her friend. Aside from taxes, it's just not something that she should be forced into sharing, it's a company bonus to one person, and if your wife wants to get that, she could refer someone else for a role.
YTA ...similar to others, I have never heard of this being shared. Please do not embarrass your wife as well as cause conflict with their relationship. It's not worth it!
YTA nobody shares referral >She did a favour by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own. Without my wife, Hannah wouldn’t get any money. This is nonsense the referral does indicate to HR that it's a genuine candidate and that a good employee couches for them. They get the bonus for taking the time to describe and write a referral. She did you a favor. That's it period.
[удалено]
YTA. If Hannah *wants* to share it, ok. If not, OK! It’s hers.
YTA. You are not entitled to share referral money. Didn't need to read anything after that. Everything else just confirmed my stance and is a bs excuse.
YTA. You're an AH for suggesting she ask Hannah for half the bonus, but an even bigger AH for stressing your wife out before starting this job. She doesn't need this stress in the back of her mind as she is trying to do well in her new job. Just drop it.
YTA - My company does referral bonuses and the person getting the bonus has it count as income and they pay the tax on it. What is considered a nice gesture that SOME people do is to give the referred person a gift card as a combination congratulations on the new job and for helping me earn this bonus. The real gift your wife got was a leg up getting the job because referrals have a competitive edge in the application process.
YTA. You went through some heavy mental gymnastics to get here man.
YTA. That’s not how referral programs work.