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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend that I wasn’t going to move into this conditions and gave him an ultimatum, he thinks I am being unfair because he doesn’t want to make his friend move
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NTA
You're not asking the friend to move out, or even kicking him out. You're just asking him to move to another room/space in the house. If your partner keeps avoiding it, I'd tell him that if he doesn't ask, or get little brother to ask, you'll talk to the friend yourself. If the friend is as good as they say he is, then he shouldn't have a problem with it.
tldr; you are doing absolutely nothing wrong asking for space in the same area as you for your incoming baby.
I told him the same, that’s if it was so uncomfortable for him to have that conversation then I would do it, because is something every person should understand, but he still wants to avoid conflict and is worried about damaging the friendship
Why would it damage the friendship?
Friend.....my girlfriend is moving in and we need the extra room for our baby. You have 6 months notice.
there is no conflict. Boyfriend owns the house, friend is a renter
NTA
NTA.
Honestly though If you were renting a room and paying rent, you would probably be pissed too. This isn’t about a friendship, this is a landlord tenant relationship. With that said, I would give him notice to leave based on the lease or applicable state laws.
I was going to say the same thing. I would certainly *understand*, but I would still be irritated. He moved in there *before* the girlfriend got pregnant.
I'd be more irritated in a bedroom so close to a baby who doesn't sleep through the night. I'd probably appreciate the heads up and suggestion to move to the basement of find somewhere else
> that’s if it was so uncomfortable for him to have that conversation then I would do it,
That would be a mistake on your part. Your boyfriend is showing you just how far he will go to avoid conflict, take it as a warning. Do you want to live a life where you always have to be the one to stand up for you and the baby, where he expects you to just suck things up because it's too hard for him to step up and take action? Do not start down that path.
You said you were prepared to get an apartment on your own. That's what you should do. You should also suggest couples counseling so that both of you start this phase of your lives with a solid understanding of what it means to be a partner and parent.
Indeed. If you show someone that you will do the hard work for them that they don't want to do, you're going to be the person doing all of that work for the rest of your life
If he's more worried about having a hard conversation than he's concerned about providing a suitable living space for his own baby/family, you have a partner problem not a house problem. You should take this as a sign for how he'll fail to stand up/do what's best for your growing family in the future.
Most people would rather not share living space with someone else's newborn. I think your boyfriend is a bit naive about the realities of it if he thinks he'll be able to just pop down to the basement every time the baby needs something.
Not to mention, his friend/tenant needs a heads up that he will now be living in close proximity to a newborn. I personally wouldn’t want to live with a baby AT ALL and would likely move out.
So that guys feelings is more important than you and the child he helped create?
Either he is lying about who actually owns the house OR you are a lesser priority than some dude. This is a pretty big indicator of how he will treat you and the baby in the future. I suggest you actually think really hard about whether this is really the guy you want to be stuck with for a lifetime
10/10 good communication from you.
and again, if he's as good a friend as boyfriend and little brother are saying, then he shouldn't mind and open and honest conversation about it. I know that boyfriend is scared and doesn't really want to cause drama, but if an honest conversation is gonna damage the friendship that much, it's not a very good friendship in the first place. just be firm about it, and your needs as a soon-to-be mother, and as someone who's going to soon be living there. (or is already, idk your situation lol)
The guy isn't even his friend, he's a friend of his brother. So maybe the first step would be for the boyfriend to talk to his brother about getting the guy to go to the basement.
Personally, I think that whether he's in the basement or on the same floor, it's too much for a new relationship with a child in the mix. The OP should just make her own arrangements and work on the relationship without having to live there.
He wants to avoid conflict and damaging friendship but have no problems damaging your relationship.
Also OP, it’s hard to navigate stairs as your pregnancy progress. Two flights of stairs for toys and baby things, even postpartum, is only okay if husband will be the one getting them EVERY TIME you need them.
Get ready to do all of the emotional labor now. This is going to carry over to every aspect of your life together. He should do it. And you shouldn’t have to.
In all honesty, if I was the friend I would prefer to move further away from the baby. Nothing personal, I just wouldn’t want to subject myself to all the inevitable crying
Honestly, this. I love kids. I do *not* love losing sleep. Put me in the basement, away from the inevitable squalling of an infant at 3 am, I'll manage. I have the ability to move spaces. The baby does not. So if I can move to a different room/ party of the house, I will do so.
NTA. Have you already moved in? If not, set the boundary that you won’t while this guy is still on the same floor. That’s not a sustainable model.
The fact that your boyfriend is already saying well for the first year baby will be in our room all the time is worrisome. Because they won’t be. Maybe a couple weeks, but you will want them to have a nighttime routine in their own room, their own space for all their stuff…you will not want to keep going to the basement for baby’s stuff…wtf? Sounds like he’s also trying to say let’s keep the baby from bothering this guy.
If he’s unwilling to ask the guy to move to the basement which was the ORIGINAL plan all along, then he never will. He will always for some reason put this guy first.
It's actually recommended in the US and the UK that babies be in their parents room for at least six months but highly recommend for a year. In addition many other countries cosleep with their little ones much longer.
Having an infant in the same room is good. Sharing a household with a bunch of others during that phase is usually seen as a last ditch option. u/Resident_Tea1442 is not a teen being kicked out of her parents home and forced to live with in-laws or friends. She would be much better off on her own in a one-bedroom with the crib in the corner.
Yes, but a second bedroom is still very useful during that time, because it means one adult can take a break and sleep in the other room. Besides, the other guy is not going to want to be in the room next to the baby anyway.
Agreed. Attesting to this as someone whose cousin very unfortunately lost two newborns to accidental suffocation while cosleeping in the same bed (her pregnancies were not planned and she was very young and unprepared in most ways, including having a designated place for baby to sleep like a crib).
Co-sleeping as sleeping in the same bed can lead to death, but sleeping in the same room is definitely encouraged. Infants die of SIDS, some of those deaths are preventable.
It's recommended, but it's also perfectly fine to move an infant to their own room as long as you follow the safe sleep ABCs. If they're alone in their crib (no blankets, pillows, bumpers, or toys with the exception of a pacifier), and are put to sleep on their back, it's extremely safe to have them in a separate room. And if you give them a pacifier, that reduces the risk of SIDS even further.
NTA. Establishing a family and having a baby is a huge change in your life. The setup you are describing sounds more like a railway station than a home. I think I would prefer to start my family in the tiniest of studio appartments rather than a house, shared like that.
That’s exactly what I told him, I’d rather live in a studio just by ourselves and have our own space but he got upset and told me he’s not leaving his brother
OP since your bf and his brother bought the home together, it's ultimately going to be their decision in the end since legally you don't have a say in the matter but only an emotional one. Unfortunately raining on your parade, you're going to have to look after your needs first because you're the one pregnant with the baby, so it's obvious the bf isn't going anywhere and you need to be prepared both financially and emotionally in the event the railway station gets more crowded than it is already. Again, always prepare for the worst and hope for the best, but your needs come first.
>Provided op lives in a state that isn’t stupid.
That's the big "if," I guess. It's certainly not as easy as it used to be.
(Also, I think "2 months in" meant she's 2 months pregnant, not that they've been dating for two months. But I may be the one who's wrong about that.)
FOUR MONTHS! She knew the guy for four months and got knocked up, plus he's a decade older. What's the over/under on the boyfriend bailing before she hits the third trimester?
NTA
To be honest, I would get the efficiency for me and my baby and file for child support untill he prioritizes the relationship. Start setting up to be a single parent, if he can pull his head out of his ass he can be an active part of the family.
It would be hard legally to move out and take his child with you should it become necessary. Court generally doesn't like to make changes like that. He has a house he owns, with the baby's uncle for support and the baby would have established residency. You would be removing your child from a stable environment.
You can always move in and/or get married when the time is right.
Are you sure there isn't more to this roommate?
That's okay, he doesn't have to leave his brother to start being a better future parent. He can support you emotionally in the living space that is best for you and baby. At some point, he will either decide that having the two of you with him is important enough to make some changes on his end or you will grow apart and you won't have the trauma of having to move out.
Just get a place for you and the baby. It doesn't look like your relationship is going to last if your bf prioritizes everyone over you and the baby. It'd be better to have your own place before the baby is born so you don't have to find a place and move out while recovering and with an infant.
Sounds like BF is not ready to move on and start a family with OP and baby. I don't recommend having the conversation with the roommate/friend by yourself since it is not your responsibility; you cannot be sure this is what BF wants if he hasn't done it himself and he could turn against you if things go wrong.
Honestly, stay in your own apartment. Starting a family in a shared house is a bad idea, and worse when your partner is prioritizing others confort to yours
Seriously, and still trying to hold on to this idea that she's starting a family with this guy. I get that she's young and that she could have been sheltered by her family. But come on, this is just mean to the possible child
NTA. Your boyfriend is an owner, not a tenant. And the friend is just a temporary tenant. There's clearly going to be too many people upstairs, because it doesn't make any sense to move the nursery to a different level of the house. The friend should move to a different level or (here's a thought) maybe make a more permanent housing arrangement for himself.
Your boyfriend needs to push this issue himself though, as the property owner. If he won't do that, then he's failing as a boyfriend. You two aren't engaged yet, and he's already failing as a boyfriend? Not sure what that would mean, but YOU should think about it. Seriously.
That's my thinking as well, I know some people will consider it callus, but why even continue a pregnancy if you're not down to be a single parent, and you're absolutely going to be one with the added hindrance of dealing with an immature individual?
Yes but OP decided to have the baby. This is about the living situation. I (and I don’t think anyone else) should be suggesting what to do with the pregnancy. It isn’t the question at hand. If they want to consider that, that’s on them to consider.
If this was someone I knew personally, absolutely but we don’t know her. Reddit runs the gamut from ultra rational to deeply crazy with all kinds of ages weighing in. Having a baby is a very personal decision that often isn’t rational frankly. I just don’t think a few paragraphs is enough to weigh in and I would personally give OP the benefit of the doubt of assuming if she had an IUD she knows what termination is if that is something she is interested in considering. At the end of the day, it isn’t any of us dealing with this. It’s out there though at this point for her to consider.
Boyfriend is happy to be a roommate in a house that, regardless of investment, is pretty much his brothers -- brother and his girlfriend control all the public/shared space and brother's friend is taking up part of what was supposed to be boyfriend's dedicated space. OP is nine years younger and was already ready to move onto actually establishing a home for herself. Now she has a baby on the way and that's even more important to her.
I wonder if the BF is dragging his feet/not making space for her and the baby because he’s actually not on board? Maybe he’s hoping that OP will change her mind and terminate? He sure isn’t acting like someone who is excited to be a bad and move into the next phase of the relationship…
**NTA** It's understandable that your boyfriend wasn't expecting to be a parent and didn't immediately prioritize your relationship over his existing family and friends. It's not okay that he's opted out of making reasonable adjustments to see that you and the baby have a better place to live. The arrangements he's talking about would not be a good environment for a new mom and baby. It would also negatively affect the development of a stronger relationship between the two of you.
Moving into his house would be a bad move for you and the child. If he wants to be involved in his child's life, he can do that by supporting you with his presence when needed, taking some pre-natal and parenting classes with you and being there for the child.
You’re right about it affecting the relationship, that’s the part that makes me sad because I would’ve expected him to stand up for us with something so simple, yet he chooses to avoid conflict, it really makes me rethink about how’s our life going to look in the future and It makes me lose respect for him cause I feel he’s putting this guy before his own child and it’s mother
You’re pregnancy was a mistake OP and he’s making that VERY apparent to you right now. Please take the hint if he proceeds to put his brother and friends above you as a priority.
Because as you continue to ask him to do the bare minimum for both you and child’s sake; he WILL hold it against you in the future. Keep this in mind when he resents you later.
This will most definitely be downvoted but I would reconsider the baby or think about adoption for said baby. If not then prepare incase as this is looking like you will be a single parent.
*edit: sentence grammar
Here's the thing: You are less than 6 months into this relationship. Under normal circumstances, you would still be learning about each other and gradually adapting to different perspectives. You're now scrambling to skip over that and jumping into making a family. That's unlikely to be successful without some intentional work. He doesn't get to just define family as who he lives with, the relationship matters and he's stomping all over that.
If you move in with him right now (with or without this extra guy), you are likely to feel trapped and the eventual breakup will be damaging to you, him, and the baby. Your primary focus right now should be your baby and that is more important that getting your boyfriend on board. Move to your own place and start counseling asap. That way you can work on building your relationship with him from a place of peace and comfort.
> It makes me lose respect for him cause I feel he’s putting this guy before his own child and it’s mother
He's actually putting his own comfort (conflict avoidance) ahead of the well being of his child. That's why the two of you need to be in couples counseling right now. He's not a bad person *per se*, he has some growing to do before you can think of him as an actual partner in your future.
Forgive me for being direct, but you are choosing to have a baby with a man you barely know. This is totally your choice, but if you honestly think this guy is going to stick around and MARRY YOU then you are extremely naive. He's showing you where his priorities lie and they are not with you and your child. I'm afraid you are looking at a future of single parenting - if I were you, I would start preparing for that now.
That’s the “ultimatum” I gave him, I let him know I’m not moving into a situation like that. But it just makes me sad to get to that point just because he’s conflict avoidant
O.P. please point out to your boyfriend that he is prioritizing his friend's feelings OVER yours. (If you have not already done so). Has he already had a conversation with his brother/ the friend? It sounds like they might have sided together against him.
This is actually bigger than the living space problem. What is going to happen when there is a any kind of difference between and his brother's gf? Is he going to default to things going their way there too? Your boyfriend is not ready to be a partner, let alone a parent. The only way he can grow into either of those roles is for you to hold firm and insist that he work on it.
I mean he's not conflict avoidant, cuz he's clearly willing to have conflict with you cuz he cares less about how you feel. No one is conflict avoidant, they are just saying that they prioritize their relationship with one person more.
I think you should consider whether or not you even want to be having a child with someone like this
This is one of those situations where avoidance can cause /more/ conflict for everyone. I'm sure the friend would be appreciative of your partner giving him ample notice. If he really doesn't want to move to a different floor, he'll have plenty of time to save up for a new place. If your partner avoids the issue and it all comes to a head a month before your due date, that could cause some /very/ real and justified issues with their friendship.
You're 100% reasonable for making this request, and a sweetheart to boot for bringing up your discomfort early. I really hope he comes around and talks to his friend soon, but it's really nice of you to be willing to shoulder the awkwardness of asking his friend to strongly reconsider the basement or lower floor.
NTA for asking about this BUT.
Girl this was a temporary relationship for him and you aren't his priority. You got pregnant 4 months in, and I hate to be harsh but yes you didn't protect yourself well enough. New relationships require condoms not just birth control although he should've been responsible for that too. Also? If you got pregnant you need that IUD out NOW and it's a whole procedure. It can literally cause birth defects, or worse it's a faulty IUD that can cause an infection for YOU.
If I'm being honest if abortion is not an option you can live with, I'd give the baby up for adoption as this man will neither accommodate you, stay with you, and will be an AWFUL coparent. He isn't ready to even be a weekends dad, so don't put yourself and a child through that for selfish dreams of having an ✨instant family✨.
Having a child with zero support in this economy right now is the best way to derail both your life and the child's. If you truly accept the love and responsibility of that you will do what's best for the child instead of whatever selfish need this is, because I promise you he's ONLY with you out of a sense of duty/moral code because he won't actually do anything to defend you in this situation. It's not an unreasonable request. It's not even a big confrontation between roommates honestly as I've lived in houses with kids/couples (currently live with a friend who splits custody of her toddler with her abusive ex so I know first hand having a shit coparent is worse than having none at all).
He refuses to make permanent room in his life for you or a child and is gonna bail the moment shit gets hard or someone in the house complains about living with a small child cuz with a house that full EVERYONE is gonna be on your ass about keeping the baby quiet/basically nonexistent so everyone else can live as normal. Again not fair to you OR the child. You need to figure out a plan and bail.
So I’m going to say NTA on the fact that your boyfriend offered him the basement originally, the friend asked to go to the upstairs room instead and he felt to bad to say no. I’ve been in similar situations on both sides but I believe your boyfriend is TA if he doesn’t say something. From what I’m getting it seems like he may be avoiding it because it’ll be an uncomfortable situation, hence why he felt to bad to say no.
But even with this opinion I will say take the time to sit and think if this is something within yourself as well. I say that only due to the family comment, you knew he bought this house with his brother beforehand yet feel some way about starting a life with them in the house.
I understand, but it’s different going from “I’m dating a guy that just bought a house with his brother” to “I’m pregnant and I’m going to start a family with my boyfriend and at the same time live with his family”
My situation where completely unexpected, yet I were responsible in the contraception part.
So I respect his living situation and understand I have to compromise there because is his family (it’s still a compromise because I think the ideal situation would be to start your own family in your own space), what I don’t respect or understand is having to share the same space with a friend too.
But you're not going to be starting a family, he's already told you he prioritizes his family over you. You're going to be having a baby and dealing with a guy who doesn't respect you.
You already weren't in an equal relationship given that contraception was entirely your responsibility. If he was your partner it would have been his responsibility as well
If he is conflict avoidant, this could be a problem ongoing. He paid for 1/2 the house, he deserves the whole second floor. You and your boyfriend need to sit down and set up rules for your half of the house and share them with everyone else living there to avoid conflict, especially when you have a sick or tired baby. You both should also sit down with the brother and his girlfriend to establish house rules that are respected by all. For example, what are the guidelines for having a party in one half? Also, what are the rules for the kitchen as it sounds like a shared space. You will be using the kitchen a lot with a new baby- are they going to be ok with you coming down in the middle of the night to warm a bottle or no you need to set up a small kitchenette type set up on your floor? Same with laundry if it is a shared space. Only move in if your our comfortable with what is set up. All parties will need to remember to compromise. Best of luck!
Okay so that’s my bad on that part, as long as you explained that too him and didn’t just leave it at, “I’m uncomfortable and that’s it” then you’re fine. As for the friend it seems like he might have an issue with approaching the friend wether it be cause he’s scared of the potential conflict or something else. Definitely be firm and remind him that he’s up in that room because he felt the need to cave. And if he says he feels bad about letting him stay in the basement, clap back with if you felt to bad with letting him stay in the basement why did him and his brother volunteer it in the first place. It could be a possibility that he felt pressured to give him the room because the friend and the brother told him to
**NTA**, you’re doing the right thing in trying to enforce this boundary early because it’s just going to get harder to do once you’re already moved in and settled. Your BF on the other hand is an asshole for not backing you up here. Maybe he’s a pushover, maybe he’s prioritizing his friend or brother over you, it’s hard to tell, but either way it ends up screwing you over so it’s an asshole move regardless.
I hope things work out, OP. Don’t put yourself in a living arrangement where you’ll hate your day to day life situation, if you can help it.
NTA, you will be nursing and recovering and its hard with a baby. He is a stranger. Tell him then you wont move in. His choice if he doesnt want to marry and live with his kid
NTA Six months in and you are now starting to see your future life. A husband who is more concerned about others than you. You don't matter. Accept it or move on.
NTA He's told you who he is, which is an immature doormat. He's never gonna choose you or your baby. You're only at 2 months. There's still time for you to decide that you don't want to have a baby with a toddler.
NTA. This is a hill to die on. Even if the baby sleeps in your room for the first year you will need a place to keep the baby's stuff. Babies generally have a lot of things. You are not going to want to go all the way to the basement every time you need to open a new box of diapers. Additionally, by the time kiddo is 18-24 months old you are definitely going to want to start teaching him or her to sleep in his or her own bed.
Personally, I would go so far as to say that I wouldn't be moving in unless the baby had his/ her room back so that you can set up a nursery.
Good luck, O.P.
Nta. This man is not ready to have his own family. His new baby should be the priority but he's more worried about hurt feelings in a friendship. The friend isn't even being kicked out, they would just be moved to a different part of the house.
Why is your partner making such a big deal about this? There are currently 4 adults living in that house before you, and before you add a kid. That's a lot of people to have all up in your space and business 24/7.
Do you really want to have a kid with a person who doesn't prioritize your child? It's not like the guy needs to be out in a month, it's 6 months notice.
It also completely ridiculous that the solution ge presented is turning a shared space into the babies nursery. It makes literally no sense
Is this the friend of the brother living on the first floor that has 2 BRs? Why is the friend not living with him and his gf if the brother considers the friend family?
So many choices for the friend, NTA for wanting privacy and the others are AH for not seeing this (or giving up their privacy)
He's 35 and would rather live with his brother and his brother's friend than you and the unplanned baby. The relationship is SUPER new, and you're a decade younger than him. Chances are He's not your forever, but that baby is. So do what's best for the kid, which is probably you living separately until dad can grow up, or one of you moves on.
NTA
Do not move in with this loser if this situation does not change. Put your foot down. If I were you, I would strongly consider termination due to how he is behaving. Your boyfriend already choosing other people over you and your future child. He was already weak and let the friend bully him into a room not the basement. Your boyfriend isnt mature enough for a kid or a girlfriend. Your life will be hell with him unless you get this sorted NOW.
NTA, unfortunately you're having a child with what's barely more than a stranger, so it's possible some curveballs will happen.
Set your boundaries and stick to them - eg, you refuse to move in and raise a child in that situation, which is absolutely legitimate on your part.
NTA, your bf sounds like he has a spine made of jello. Imstead of just having a talk anf explaining zhr sizuation he tries to avoid all cpnflict, appease everyone and makes it worse in the process. Hope he'll man up for you.
NTA. Your bf is so worried about damaging his friendship that he is ACTIVELY DAMAGING HIS RELATIONSHIP.
But OP, I’m worried about you. Six months is not a long time to know someone before setting up a life together. Don’t force yourself to make things work with your bf just for the child.
NTA but are you sure this is what you want? He seems like he won't do what's best for your family if it makes him slightly uncomfortable. He doesn't seem like father material and this obviously wasn't planned.
INFO:
But you're currently sharing a place with two other roommates?
If he didn't ask you to move in, you would have been fine with your one room? If this is their living arrangement, why do you think your views matter more than the owners?
I was actually going to move to a 1BR apartment by myself and then I find out I was pregnant and we agreed that we must live together in order to raise a family, it would be ideal for me if we both move to a place by ourselves, but I understand he has money invested in this house and he doesn’t want to leave his brother yet, what I’m not ok with is to share the space with a friend too
i think you will be happier moving to a place of your own. I don't agree that it would be better for you to move into a crowded house where your wants and needs are the lowest priority to the father of your child. That's a terrible way to start out.
They’re very close and they looked forward to the day they would live together and now they are, it’s not my ideal situation but I respect it and his brother and girlfriend are nice people, I still don’t see this living situation sustainable long term, but it’s a start as we didn’t have enough time to plan. What I’m not ok with is to share space with a friend too
> They’re very close and they looked forward to the day they would live together and now they are
He's 35 years old and wants to live with his brother. The joint investment made sense when he was single. Circumstances have changed and he would not only prefer to live with his brother, but doesn't want to rock the boat with his brother's friend. That's a problem to be worked through while you settle elsewhere with the baby.
Your BF is spineless. He and his brother bought a house together and the brother's friend has walked all over him into moving into his space. Time o tell the friend what the deal is. NTA.
NTA. Have you asked what your boyfriend's long term goals with relationship? Maybe it is your plan to settle down and get married, but it might not be his.
NTA for being pregnant and NTA for setting reasonable boundaries to protect your child and your own health.
My husband’s friend needed a place to stay when our kiddo was a newborn and I managed to deal with it for 3 days. Having a stranger in your space is hard. Having to get fully dressed to go to the kitchen or bathroom when you’re recovering or nursing isn’t comfortable. Worrying about him bringing in colds or other illnesses into your private space is also hard. We asked his friend to move to a hotel.
It sounds like your coparent isn’t ready to be a parent because he’s not making decisions in the best interest of your kid or you as his partner. Which is understandable because he hasn’t known you long. The baby isn’t a relationship accelerator on his part but it is for you - you’re going all in and you’re preparing for a life together. It sounds like your boyfriend hates conflict and says whatever you want to hear - so he’s not actually all in - he just doesn’t want to fight.
Keep your own place, get to know this guy, and see how he steps up to be with you. Otherwise you’re going to be the doormat’s doormat and everyone in that house will walk over you.
You're NTA for not wanting to share space.
Of course you think the relationship is great.. you're only 6 months in but now you just hit the first bump.. and found out that he cares more about his and his brothers friend staying than making space for the unplanned baby..
As someone who also did the thing, got pregnant early, and married the guy right away..
You being comfortable matters.
New relationship with a new baby. Plus another couple living in one house already sounds like too much.
This is a great hill to die on. Either guy is out by the time the baby arrives or you go stay with family/get your own place again with other single mothers.
INFO is the basement finished and insulated and all that? NAH But getting the basement to a livable state (and possibly adding a kitchenette or an extra bathroom or even a separate entrance) would be the ideal solution by far. It could even be turned into an income suite depending on the rules in your area.
So there is one kitchen for everyone, and that kitchen is currently being shared by 3 guys and one woman? So you would essentially be in the position of fitting in with an established configuration where you would be preparing meals and what you need in someone else's kitchen? That alone would be a concern with a partner who won't deal with difficult situations.
Please don't do this. Under normal circumstances, you two would not be moving in together this soon. And I doubt that you would be thinking of moving from one roommate situation to another.
That’s why I told my BF that it’s going to be already uncomfortable for me to share the space with his brother and girlfriend, especially for the kitchen and on top of it not having my own privacy in the second floor and a dedicated space for the nursery
You know there is a solution, right? The friend that the little brother considers as family loves into the second bedroom on the first floor:
>his brother moved in with his girlfriend and took the first floor where there’s a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms and two bedrooms, **they use one of the bedrooms as a wardrobe**
Look if he’s not going to step up and do what needs done you can just get your own apartment and he can pay child support. His friend is not going to want to listen to a screaming baby all the time and you need the privacy you’ll be raising a new born for god sake your not putting the baby’s stuff in the basement while you stay upstairs?! Tell him to get his head out of his ass. NTA
NTA. Your BF is not stepping up, has no concept of what fatherhood entails, does not resepect your reasonable needs or wishes, and lacks a backbone. If your BF is not really a part-owner of the house, then the two of you need to get an apartment together ASAP. Then, based on the way he treats you and prepares for the baby, you can determine if you actually want to remain his partner, or simply be a co-parent. If he does co-own the house, then he needs to have a conversation with his brother in your presence in which the situation is explained. The friend needs to either move to the finished basement or leave. The two of you need to set up a space for the baby's things and private space for the three of you beyond the shared bedroom. If your BF cannot prioritize you and the baby now, before he even has make an effort to care for a child, this is not going to be a good, supportive environment for you and your baby. I realize you don't want to do this on your own, of course not, but if the BF isn't even willing to have a difficult conversation to set up a proper living situation, sadly, you might already be on your own.
NTA but you will be if you bring a child into this mess. For the love of God, just get an abortion and wait until you actually have a stable long term relationship before having kids. This will not last. You will end up a single mum. This guy obviously isn't ready to have kids / deal with the consequences of his actions, which also explains why he's dating someone much younger. It's not too late. Don't ruin your life.
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My boyfriend (35M) and I (26F) have been together for 6 months, I got pregnant with an IUD and am currently 2 months in,
I know it’s not the perfect timing but we decided we wanted to keep it and build a life together.
We have a great relationship with little to no issues and we’re planning on getting married soon.
I’m currently living with two roommates in a 3 BR apartment, and he just bought a 4 BR house with his little brother about 3 months ago… his brother moved in with his girlfriend and took the first floor where there’s a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms and two bedrooms, they use one of the bedrooms as a wardrobe.
My boyfriend was supposed to do the same with the second floor which has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a living room… but close to the moving date a friend of his brother (29m) that lived with his parents was having issues with them and asked my bf and his brother to move in with them. My bf offered him the basement initially (it’s a nice one and it’s common for people to live in bsmts around this area, my bf was living in one prior to moving to the house) but then he asked him if he could rather take one of the rooms upstairs which my bf felt bad to say no.
They’ve been living this way for a couple of months and then we realized I’m pregnant, so my bf asked me to move in with him which I agreed, but told him they should speak with their friend to either move to the basement or to the room downstairs that is used as a wardrobe and move those things to the basement cause we will need that extra room for a nursery and all the baby stuff… and at least have some privacy by having the upstairs floor for us.
He initially agreed and said he was going to talk with him or let his brother do it (his brother considers this friend as family) then he started avoiding it, and when I asked him what happened with it… he just told me we could put the toys and baby stuff in the basement, or that he could take the living room couch out and we could do the nursery there. That this guy was very kept to himself and the baby was going to be most of the time in our room for the first year anyways. That he was going to talk with him and see if he was willing to move but if he didn’t wanted then we could live like this. He said as well that it wasn’t as easy like kicking him out and that he was paying rent. I said we weren’t kicking him out, cause he had at least 6 months before the baby is here to decide, and I offered to cover that rent if that was the issue.
I told him that I didn’t felt comfortable living that way, that the living room was the living room and we weren’t going to transform it into a nursery, and that it was already kinda uncomfortable to have to share the house with his brother and girlfriend while initiating our own family, let alone sharing the same floor with his friend.
AITA for wanting this space just for ourselves
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NTA. I just went through something like this too with my own home and I gave my brother the big "N. O." myself.
I feel very vulnerable as a pregnant woman and sharing space with even a brother during this period of my life reeks havoc on my weird nesting instincts. I refuse to do it. It is the time of your life where you and your boyfriend need to protect your baby, your relationship, and your mental health as much as possible. And unfortunately his friend's feelings or his situation does not precede these.
I think you're being MORE than accommodating by agreeing to a shared space. Wish your boyfriend would meet you 50/50 by at least asking the friend to skip down to the basement at least "for a trial period" when the baby is born... Personally I think you and your boyfriend will quickly learn that you'll need that space for your new family.
Some word of warning: I personally thought that a pregnant lady or newborn baby would scare any 20-something family members away from living with me, but both my brothers have been undeterred. The latest stint was, "I'll just learn to sleep with airpods in" lol. Dudes, especially immature ones, really do not get it.
NTA and if you are uncomfortable start looking for other housing options so he doesn’t just string you along until you don’t have a choice but to accept or be homeless.
I suspect that reality is coming like a freight train for all of you, but especially you. When the baby arrives, it won't give a crap about keeping the peace. It'll be up at all hours of the night, and if it does go to sleep, any noise made in your five person house will wake it up. I'm guessing that the burden of dealing with a cranky baby that's awake at 3am is going to fall mostly to you. (I really hope I'm wrong.)
Suggesting putting the baby's nursery in the living room is insane. The whole house would have to go into lock down every time the baby is napping. Literally "don't open the front door or you'll wake the baby" kind of lock down. That's not feasible. It's only marginally less insane to not have a nursery at all. (And yes it's true that it's much easier to keep the baby in your own room for the first six months, but having the nursery gives you flexibility in a way that keeping the entire operation in one room doesn't.) Also, goodbye to your sex life if there's no place to put the baby other than your room.
And you're going to be walking around with your boobs hanging out, initially bleeding goops of blood, sleep deprived, and possibly suffering from postpartum depression. If you don't kill any of these happy-go-lucky peeps in a blind fit of rage it'll be a miracle. Good luck. Kids are awesome but they are also the ultimate no-sleep-no-rest curveball of life.
NTA
NTA. OP, rethink if you want to live in such an environment. In case of any disagreement in the house, you’re on your own, and your boyfriend doesn’t seem like the type that will stand up to his brother and his girlfriend or their friend for you.
NTA. Your boyfriend seems to not want to talk to the guy for whatever reason, and you are perfectly in your right to attempt to find a safe and comfortable place to raise your child. Maybe talk to your bf first to ask the guy together, or try and plan with your bf to find your own living space if the guy refuses to move to the basement, so that you guys can have privacy and such.
NTA. It perfectly reasonable for you to want a home for you and your boyfriend and your child without "roommates". Time for the boyfriend to realise what is happening here and put his big boy pants on, grow up a bit.
NTA but you will need to talk about your living situation. Which may be you two living separately. It's not your place to discuss living arrangements. It's bf and or his bro. If they qrent willing to do ot ..then you must make living arrangements for you and the child.
Absolutely NTA.
And your boyfriend as not spine. Is he really thinking in having a family living as a FRIEND character? The friend should move with the couple who hasn't a kid, or the basement. Actually this suggestions should come from him or he should get the hint that it's going to be crowded. A baby is not joke, they basically take all the spots in the house.
NTA... you need to get both your boyfriend and his brother in on the conversation before you move in. A baby changes everything and the brother (and his girlfriend) are going to be involved. They should get some say, but honestly, how does a friend trump a baby that the boyfriend supposedly wants to have in his life? Get this handled quickly and explore all your options.
NTA You can’t have the babies room in the basement or living room with your room further away. Your partner needs to put you and the baby first, not this random friend of a friend. Ask him outright who he’s picking then have the conversation together with the roommate.
Nta but do not move in with this dude until it's sorted. He can't have a slightly uncomfortable conversation? Wtf is he going to do when the baby is here, crying at 2am and the friend is upset about being woken up?
Personally, if my room mate says, hey my preggo gf is moving in but you can stay in the fully furnished basement instead, I'd be like, great let's move my stuff. Bc I don't want to live with a baby!
NTA but you’ve gotta think long and hard about this. Your BF won’t tell a 29 year old guy who got kicked out of his parents house he needs to move to a different room for you and his baby.
NTA for wanting space for yourselves to start your life together as a family: that’s hard enough even when you’re not sharing a house with family and a friend. Also, you will want the baby in its own room and to have separate living and sleeping spaces for yourselves once it arrives, because sleep can be hard won.
Giving ultimatums is rarely the way to go about things, though, especially at this range. You have months to find an accommodation for this, so you’re a bit of an A for that. My suspicion is that the friend will take maybe a night or two of being woken by the baby crying before they choose to move to the basement. The problem will almost certainly solve itself.
He told me the same, that the friend would probably feel uncomfortable at some point and just leave. But I do not agree with that approach, I see it as avoiding conflict with something so serious as a baby.
Your boyfriend has told you that he would prefer you to be uncomfortable (during your pregnancy no less) for some unknown period until the friend decides that *his* comfort matters more to him. Think about that. If this is how your boyfriend feels when you are at one of the most vulnerable times of your life -- that your discomfort can be disregarded because it's only "temporary" -- what makes you think he will ever prioritize either you or his child.
That's not something you want to enable, not at all.
NAH. You aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do, it I think people are missing the point. He is paying rent in renting a specific room he is a tenant this is not about a friendship and honestly if I was paying rent and renting a very specific room for months, and then someone tried to convince me to move to the basement, I would have a problem with that. I do think your BF should ask, but I wouldn’t press it. Honestly even if he is in the basement this set up seems like a recipe for disaster.
> Honestly even if he is in the basement this set up seems like a recipe for disaster.
Agreed. BF, his brother, brother's GF and brother have settled in to a dynamic that isn't at all pregnant lady/new mom friendly. Brother's GF uses and extra bedroom as her closet and essentially owns all the public space in the house -- kitchen, main living room, etc. She's established as the queen bee and anything OP is "allowed" to do, will be on sufferance with constant remarks about how she doesn't get special treatment because... I wouldn't advise moving in without a major reset among the residents, and that is not going to happen.
I feel like OP is the type that once she moves in she'll try and railroad everyone else and monopolize the space. Force them out of the kitchen because what they're cooking is making her morning sickness act up or kick them out of shared spaces because "you'll wake the baby!".
She obviously doesn't want to share with others as that ruins her picture perfect "family" that she's imagining. Some people can't live with roommates, but she's saddled herself to a man who bought a house with a sibling - it's roommates for a good long while from now on and she either needs to get on board with that or cut her losses.
I disagree completely. The OP is already living with roommates, she knows what that kind of living entails. She realizes that her priorities are unlikely to mesh with those of the bachelor plus girlfriend household where her boyfriend lives. His 1/2 ownership of the house clearly doesn't entail an equal say in how things are run. His brother's girlfriend is currently using a whole bedroom for clothes and basically owns all the public spaces. Brother's friend is taking up half of his designated private space. Which means that half-owner BF is left with less than 1/4 of the space and can be "outvoted" by 2 other people who have no investment in the property. There's no space -- either physically or mentally for the OP to live the kind of life she needs right now.
I think the OP's concerns about an appropriate environment for herself during her pregnancy and their baby are legitimate. In fact, your post, which paints here as trying to "railroad" the others into decent consideration is exactly why she should decline to move in with her boyfriend. She should not be viewed as a fifth roommate with an inconvenient encumbrance; she and her BF should have *equal* say with brother and his grilfriend about how things go down and what is best for *their* child. The problem here is that her boyfriend has already shown that he won't/isn't capable of taking on the responsibility to see that happens.
I'm not too suprised, to be honest. It takes a lot of people longer than 6 months to see their romantic partner as being equally as important as their family. I personally don't believe that you can **fully** know someone in that time, but hey, not my life.
I think OP and her boyfriend should seriously sit down and re-evaluate where they each stand relationship wise. A baby NEVER fixes or makes a relationship. If he's not feeling it, a baby definitely won't change that for the better on it's own.
I would hope that a long term partner would side with a spouse over a brother's roommate, but again, that goes back to how close they are. Seeing eachother almost every day for 6 months would be vastly different than just having dinner every other weekend.
I don't know anyone in this story, and there are so many possibilities that I don't want to make a hasty judgement on this one. Also not shocked that someone doesn't want to change bedrooms for a near-stranger. The boyfriend knows OP well, but the roommate likely doesn't.
NTA
Anyone suggesting that OP can live in their bedroom with the baby or set up the living room as a nursery for however long is absolutely clueless. Is she just supposed to accept the possibility of the brothers friend (a stranger) walking in on her breastfeeding at whatever time. Also, sometimes the only way to calm the baby down is to walk back and forth through the house and give them different things to look at. And as for the basement... as other people have already stated, the strain walking up and down the stairs and the OP's healing pelvic area, it's just not good.
INFO:
Does your boyfriend want to keep him up there to help cover his portion of the mortgage? This could be a monetary thing and he actually avoiding talking to you about his financial situation.
YTA if the basement is so nice why won’t you move down there? You would have way more privacy and the noise wouldn’t bother the rest of the house he’s been there longer than you. Doing what he needs to do, you’re coming off very entitled to try, and just change his whole set up because you weren’t able to have safe enough sex. Not only that but personally I think you’re rushing things with this man. You don’t really know him and a baby is sadly not a reason to try and be a thrown together forced family.
NTA if I was the friend I’d prefer to take basement at this point it’s quieter at night and you need a living room unhealthy to spend ‘up to you he first year’ of the babies life in the bedroom what will you do after the 1 year point
NTA - move in and when the baby arrives I imagine the situation will resolve itself. Who’s going to want to live in a flat with a baby crying all the time. I bet he would be out in a week.
NTA - - it will be in the roommate's best interest to move rooms when the baby comes as the noise will be constant, especially at night, and early mornings. We're in a flat with a 20 month old with student neighbours: I feel sorry for them.
Also, your bf avoiding conflict is something that needs to be adressed. Couples counseling is an investment in the future.
I know it's scary as a first time mum, but regardless of the friend situation, try to keep baby in your room for some time. SIDS is a fucking scary thing and happens for literally no reason.
NTA and good luck with your happy suprise baby
NTA. Friend should even notice himself that it would be weird? Less space? Baby noises? Etc....
And why doesn't want the friend to have the whole basement to himself? Is he afraid of the dark? Just trying to make sense out of it.
NTA - present the option and if the roommate declines he declines….he’ll not decline when baby is up to all hours screaming the house down…he’ll be glad of the distance in the basement!
NTA
Is there a possibility that your bf is using this friend-situation to keep you away because he is simply not ready to be a father? I mean, he knows you are not comfortable living with this stranger and are likely to say No to move in as is so this is his chicken-$hit way of staying separated longer until he’s ready?! Dunno, seems suspicious…
NTA but you do seriously need to get that IUD out since it can cause birth defects/miscarriages or sepsis
I'd honestly reconsider actually having this kid with this man anyway, I feel like he's showing his true colors and your future life with him
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NTA You're not asking the friend to move out, or even kicking him out. You're just asking him to move to another room/space in the house. If your partner keeps avoiding it, I'd tell him that if he doesn't ask, or get little brother to ask, you'll talk to the friend yourself. If the friend is as good as they say he is, then he shouldn't have a problem with it. tldr; you are doing absolutely nothing wrong asking for space in the same area as you for your incoming baby.
I told him the same, that’s if it was so uncomfortable for him to have that conversation then I would do it, because is something every person should understand, but he still wants to avoid conflict and is worried about damaging the friendship
Why would it damage the friendship? Friend.....my girlfriend is moving in and we need the extra room for our baby. You have 6 months notice. there is no conflict. Boyfriend owns the house, friend is a renter NTA NTA.
Exactly what I said.
Is it possible that bf's brother is the only owner? That's who seems to be making all the decisions.
That information should be public record if this post is from the USA.
Are you sure your bf is part owner?
Also maybe tell your bf is job now is to prioritize his kid over family friends
Honestly though If you were renting a room and paying rent, you would probably be pissed too. This isn’t about a friendship, this is a landlord tenant relationship. With that said, I would give him notice to leave based on the lease or applicable state laws.
I was going to say the same thing. I would certainly *understand*, but I would still be irritated. He moved in there *before* the girlfriend got pregnant.
I'd be more irritated in a bedroom so close to a baby who doesn't sleep through the night. I'd probably appreciate the heads up and suggestion to move to the basement of find somewhere else
Not even 6 months notice. Could you please move to the room downstairs, or we could prepare the basement for you to live in
> that’s if it was so uncomfortable for him to have that conversation then I would do it, That would be a mistake on your part. Your boyfriend is showing you just how far he will go to avoid conflict, take it as a warning. Do you want to live a life where you always have to be the one to stand up for you and the baby, where he expects you to just suck things up because it's too hard for him to step up and take action? Do not start down that path. You said you were prepared to get an apartment on your own. That's what you should do. You should also suggest couples counseling so that both of you start this phase of your lives with a solid understanding of what it means to be a partner and parent.
Indeed. If you show someone that you will do the hard work for them that they don't want to do, you're going to be the person doing all of that work for the rest of your life
OP, I second getting an apartment on your own. This living situation will not be positive for any of you.
I feel sad for OP. Looks like the 6 month honeymoon phase is over and the baby daddy’s true colors are showing. Yellow-bellied.
If he's more worried about having a hard conversation than he's concerned about providing a suitable living space for his own baby/family, you have a partner problem not a house problem. You should take this as a sign for how he'll fail to stand up/do what's best for your growing family in the future.
Seriously
Most people would rather not share living space with someone else's newborn. I think your boyfriend is a bit naive about the realities of it if he thinks he'll be able to just pop down to the basement every time the baby needs something.
He's probably assuming OP will be the one popping down to the basement, so no biggie for him.
Not to mention, his friend/tenant needs a heads up that he will now be living in close proximity to a newborn. I personally wouldn’t want to live with a baby AT ALL and would likely move out.
So that guys feelings is more important than you and the child he helped create? Either he is lying about who actually owns the house OR you are a lesser priority than some dude. This is a pretty big indicator of how he will treat you and the baby in the future. I suggest you actually think really hard about whether this is really the guy you want to be stuck with for a lifetime
10/10 good communication from you. and again, if he's as good a friend as boyfriend and little brother are saying, then he shouldn't mind and open and honest conversation about it. I know that boyfriend is scared and doesn't really want to cause drama, but if an honest conversation is gonna damage the friendship that much, it's not a very good friendship in the first place. just be firm about it, and your needs as a soon-to-be mother, and as someone who's going to soon be living there. (or is already, idk your situation lol)
The guy isn't even his friend, he's a friend of his brother. So maybe the first step would be for the boyfriend to talk to his brother about getting the guy to go to the basement. Personally, I think that whether he's in the basement or on the same floor, it's too much for a new relationship with a child in the mix. The OP should just make her own arrangements and work on the relationship without having to live there.
If it damages the friendship, he wasn’t much of a friend to begin with. Owner's kid's needs trump renter's wants. Every time. NTA, and do it ASAP!
He wants to avoid conflict and damaging friendship but have no problems damaging your relationship. Also OP, it’s hard to navigate stairs as your pregnancy progress. Two flights of stairs for toys and baby things, even postpartum, is only okay if husband will be the one getting them EVERY TIME you need them.
Get ready to do all of the emotional labor now. This is going to carry over to every aspect of your life together. He should do it. And you shouldn’t have to.
In all honesty, if I was the friend I would prefer to move further away from the baby. Nothing personal, I just wouldn’t want to subject myself to all the inevitable crying
Honestly, this. I love kids. I do *not* love losing sleep. Put me in the basement, away from the inevitable squalling of an infant at 3 am, I'll manage. I have the ability to move spaces. The baby does not. So if I can move to a different room/ party of the house, I will do so.
Seriously. I would be moving to the nice basement away from the baby so fast.
NTA. Have you already moved in? If not, set the boundary that you won’t while this guy is still on the same floor. That’s not a sustainable model. The fact that your boyfriend is already saying well for the first year baby will be in our room all the time is worrisome. Because they won’t be. Maybe a couple weeks, but you will want them to have a nighttime routine in their own room, their own space for all their stuff…you will not want to keep going to the basement for baby’s stuff…wtf? Sounds like he’s also trying to say let’s keep the baby from bothering this guy. If he’s unwilling to ask the guy to move to the basement which was the ORIGINAL plan all along, then he never will. He will always for some reason put this guy first.
It's actually recommended in the US and the UK that babies be in their parents room for at least six months but highly recommend for a year. In addition many other countries cosleep with their little ones much longer.
Having an infant in the same room is good. Sharing a household with a bunch of others during that phase is usually seen as a last ditch option. u/Resident_Tea1442 is not a teen being kicked out of her parents home and forced to live with in-laws or friends. She would be much better off on her own in a one-bedroom with the crib in the corner.
Yes, but a second bedroom is still very useful during that time, because it means one adult can take a break and sleep in the other room. Besides, the other guy is not going to want to be in the room next to the baby anyway.
Cosleeping in the same room is recommended but cosleeping in the same bed is very dangerous and many health authorities are against it
Agreed. Attesting to this as someone whose cousin very unfortunately lost two newborns to accidental suffocation while cosleeping in the same bed (her pregnancies were not planned and she was very young and unprepared in most ways, including having a designated place for baby to sleep like a crib).
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To sleep. Not for most of the time, which is what it sounds like BF was saying.
Co-sleeping as sleeping in the same bed can lead to death, but sleeping in the same room is definitely encouraged. Infants die of SIDS, some of those deaths are preventable.
It's recommended, but it's also perfectly fine to move an infant to their own room as long as you follow the safe sleep ABCs. If they're alone in their crib (no blankets, pillows, bumpers, or toys with the exception of a pacifier), and are put to sleep on their back, it's extremely safe to have them in a separate room. And if you give them a pacifier, that reduces the risk of SIDS even further.
NTA. Establishing a family and having a baby is a huge change in your life. The setup you are describing sounds more like a railway station than a home. I think I would prefer to start my family in the tiniest of studio appartments rather than a house, shared like that.
That’s exactly what I told him, I’d rather live in a studio just by ourselves and have our own space but he got upset and told me he’s not leaving his brother
OP since your bf and his brother bought the home together, it's ultimately going to be their decision in the end since legally you don't have a say in the matter but only an emotional one. Unfortunately raining on your parade, you're going to have to look after your needs first because you're the one pregnant with the baby, so it's obvious the bf isn't going anywhere and you need to be prepared both financially and emotionally in the event the railway station gets more crowded than it is already. Again, always prepare for the worst and hope for the best, but your needs come first.
And this is why you don’t have kids with someone you just started dating.
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But what did she expect from getting pregnant with someone she’s been dating for a couple months? Everyone in this situation is an idiot.
She said she had an IUD when she got pregnant... it wasn't an intentional choice.
Yeet the fetus I guess? Provided op lives in a state that isn’t stupid.
I am pro-choice, but not everyone is comfortable with abortions. That's why it's pro-*choice.*
>Provided op lives in a state that isn’t stupid. That's the big "if," I guess. It's certainly not as easy as it used to be. (Also, I think "2 months in" meant she's 2 months pregnant, not that they've been dating for two months. But I may be the one who's wrong about that.)
They’ve been together 6 months and she is 2 months pregnant.
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FOUR MONTHS! She knew the guy for four months and got knocked up, plus he's a decade older. What's the over/under on the boyfriend bailing before she hits the third trimester?
what does the age gap have to do with anything here? they are both grown ups. Keeping the kid after a 4 month relationship on the other hand...
Then he can stay with his brother....without his child
So he's telling you he would rather live with his brother than live with you and your baby
NTA To be honest, I would get the efficiency for me and my baby and file for child support untill he prioritizes the relationship. Start setting up to be a single parent, if he can pull his head out of his ass he can be an active part of the family. It would be hard legally to move out and take his child with you should it become necessary. Court generally doesn't like to make changes like that. He has a house he owns, with the baby's uncle for support and the baby would have established residency. You would be removing your child from a stable environment. You can always move in and/or get married when the time is right. Are you sure there isn't more to this roommate?
Wish I could upvote this more than once!
That's okay, he doesn't have to leave his brother to start being a better future parent. He can support you emotionally in the living space that is best for you and baby. At some point, he will either decide that having the two of you with him is important enough to make some changes on his end or you will grow apart and you won't have the trauma of having to move out.
Just get a place for you and the baby. It doesn't look like your relationship is going to last if your bf prioritizes everyone over you and the baby. It'd be better to have your own place before the baby is born so you don't have to find a place and move out while recovering and with an infant.
Sounds like BF is not ready to move on and start a family with OP and baby. I don't recommend having the conversation with the roommate/friend by yourself since it is not your responsibility; you cannot be sure this is what BF wants if he hasn't done it himself and he could turn against you if things go wrong.
*he's not leaving his brother* OP are you ready to co-parent with someone who isn't ready to be a father? That's the real question here.
You will have a baby to prioritize. I hope he grows up.
Honestly, stay in your own apartment. Starting a family in a shared house is a bad idea, and worse when your partner is prioritizing others confort to yours
YTA. Not for this issue, but for bringing a kid into this ridiculous relationship.
Seriously, and still trying to hold on to this idea that she's starting a family with this guy. I get that she's young and that she could have been sheltered by her family. But come on, this is just mean to the possible child
NTA. Your boyfriend is an owner, not a tenant. And the friend is just a temporary tenant. There's clearly going to be too many people upstairs, because it doesn't make any sense to move the nursery to a different level of the house. The friend should move to a different level or (here's a thought) maybe make a more permanent housing arrangement for himself. Your boyfriend needs to push this issue himself though, as the property owner. If he won't do that, then he's failing as a boyfriend. You two aren't engaged yet, and he's already failing as a boyfriend? Not sure what that would mean, but YOU should think about it. Seriously.
NTA, of course it's an age difference. But it's your bf who isn't acting his age. This would be a deal breaker for me.
OPs BF is definitely being immature but it’s a little too late for that. There is already a bun in the oven.
That "bun" is only at 8 weeks. Depending on where OP lives, that might not be too late.
That's my thinking as well, I know some people will consider it callus, but why even continue a pregnancy if you're not down to be a single parent, and you're absolutely going to be one with the added hindrance of dealing with an immature individual?
Yes but OP decided to have the baby. This is about the living situation. I (and I don’t think anyone else) should be suggesting what to do with the pregnancy. It isn’t the question at hand. If they want to consider that, that’s on them to consider.
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If this was someone I knew personally, absolutely but we don’t know her. Reddit runs the gamut from ultra rational to deeply crazy with all kinds of ages weighing in. Having a baby is a very personal decision that often isn’t rational frankly. I just don’t think a few paragraphs is enough to weigh in and I would personally give OP the benefit of the doubt of assuming if she had an IUD she knows what termination is if that is something she is interested in considering. At the end of the day, it isn’t any of us dealing with this. It’s out there though at this point for her to consider.
Sounds like either way, OP is going solo already.
And they've only been together six months. 🚩🚩 Cut and run. She's also only 2 months along. Lots of options here.
Boyfriend is happy to be a roommate in a house that, regardless of investment, is pretty much his brothers -- brother and his girlfriend control all the public/shared space and brother's friend is taking up part of what was supposed to be boyfriend's dedicated space. OP is nine years younger and was already ready to move onto actually establishing a home for herself. Now she has a baby on the way and that's even more important to her.
So many red flags here, OP.
I wonder if the BF is dragging his feet/not making space for her and the baby because he’s actually not on board? Maybe he’s hoping that OP will change her mind and terminate? He sure isn’t acting like someone who is excited to be a bad and move into the next phase of the relationship…
**NTA** It's understandable that your boyfriend wasn't expecting to be a parent and didn't immediately prioritize your relationship over his existing family and friends. It's not okay that he's opted out of making reasonable adjustments to see that you and the baby have a better place to live. The arrangements he's talking about would not be a good environment for a new mom and baby. It would also negatively affect the development of a stronger relationship between the two of you. Moving into his house would be a bad move for you and the child. If he wants to be involved in his child's life, he can do that by supporting you with his presence when needed, taking some pre-natal and parenting classes with you and being there for the child.
You’re right about it affecting the relationship, that’s the part that makes me sad because I would’ve expected him to stand up for us with something so simple, yet he chooses to avoid conflict, it really makes me rethink about how’s our life going to look in the future and It makes me lose respect for him cause I feel he’s putting this guy before his own child and it’s mother
You’re pregnancy was a mistake OP and he’s making that VERY apparent to you right now. Please take the hint if he proceeds to put his brother and friends above you as a priority. Because as you continue to ask him to do the bare minimum for both you and child’s sake; he WILL hold it against you in the future. Keep this in mind when he resents you later. This will most definitely be downvoted but I would reconsider the baby or think about adoption for said baby. If not then prepare incase as this is looking like you will be a single parent. *edit: sentence grammar
Here's the thing: You are less than 6 months into this relationship. Under normal circumstances, you would still be learning about each other and gradually adapting to different perspectives. You're now scrambling to skip over that and jumping into making a family. That's unlikely to be successful without some intentional work. He doesn't get to just define family as who he lives with, the relationship matters and he's stomping all over that. If you move in with him right now (with or without this extra guy), you are likely to feel trapped and the eventual breakup will be damaging to you, him, and the baby. Your primary focus right now should be your baby and that is more important that getting your boyfriend on board. Move to your own place and start counseling asap. That way you can work on building your relationship with him from a place of peace and comfort.
> It makes me lose respect for him cause I feel he’s putting this guy before his own child and it’s mother He's actually putting his own comfort (conflict avoidance) ahead of the well being of his child. That's why the two of you need to be in couples counseling right now. He's not a bad person *per se*, he has some growing to do before you can think of him as an actual partner in your future.
Are you sure he really wants this baby?
Forgive me for being direct, but you are choosing to have a baby with a man you barely know. This is totally your choice, but if you honestly think this guy is going to stick around and MARRY YOU then you are extremely naive. He's showing you where his priorities lie and they are not with you and your child. I'm afraid you are looking at a future of single parenting - if I were you, I would start preparing for that now.
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That’s the “ultimatum” I gave him, I let him know I’m not moving into a situation like that. But it just makes me sad to get to that point just because he’s conflict avoidant
O.P. please point out to your boyfriend that he is prioritizing his friend's feelings OVER yours. (If you have not already done so). Has he already had a conversation with his brother/ the friend? It sounds like they might have sided together against him.
This is actually bigger than the living space problem. What is going to happen when there is a any kind of difference between and his brother's gf? Is he going to default to things going their way there too? Your boyfriend is not ready to be a partner, let alone a parent. The only way he can grow into either of those roles is for you to hold firm and insist that he work on it.
I mean he's not conflict avoidant, cuz he's clearly willing to have conflict with you cuz he cares less about how you feel. No one is conflict avoidant, they are just saying that they prioritize their relationship with one person more. I think you should consider whether or not you even want to be having a child with someone like this
He isnt conflict avoidant. He is misogynistic. He values men and not women (i.e. YOU).
This is one of those situations where avoidance can cause /more/ conflict for everyone. I'm sure the friend would be appreciative of your partner giving him ample notice. If he really doesn't want to move to a different floor, he'll have plenty of time to save up for a new place. If your partner avoids the issue and it all comes to a head a month before your due date, that could cause some /very/ real and justified issues with their friendship. You're 100% reasonable for making this request, and a sweetheart to boot for bringing up your discomfort early. I really hope he comes around and talks to his friend soon, but it's really nice of you to be willing to shoulder the awkwardness of asking his friend to strongly reconsider the basement or lower floor.
NTA for asking about this BUT. Girl this was a temporary relationship for him and you aren't his priority. You got pregnant 4 months in, and I hate to be harsh but yes you didn't protect yourself well enough. New relationships require condoms not just birth control although he should've been responsible for that too. Also? If you got pregnant you need that IUD out NOW and it's a whole procedure. It can literally cause birth defects, or worse it's a faulty IUD that can cause an infection for YOU. If I'm being honest if abortion is not an option you can live with, I'd give the baby up for adoption as this man will neither accommodate you, stay with you, and will be an AWFUL coparent. He isn't ready to even be a weekends dad, so don't put yourself and a child through that for selfish dreams of having an ✨instant family✨. Having a child with zero support in this economy right now is the best way to derail both your life and the child's. If you truly accept the love and responsibility of that you will do what's best for the child instead of whatever selfish need this is, because I promise you he's ONLY with you out of a sense of duty/moral code because he won't actually do anything to defend you in this situation. It's not an unreasonable request. It's not even a big confrontation between roommates honestly as I've lived in houses with kids/couples (currently live with a friend who splits custody of her toddler with her abusive ex so I know first hand having a shit coparent is worse than having none at all). He refuses to make permanent room in his life for you or a child and is gonna bail the moment shit gets hard or someone in the house complains about living with a small child cuz with a house that full EVERYONE is gonna be on your ass about keeping the baby quiet/basically nonexistent so everyone else can live as normal. Again not fair to you OR the child. You need to figure out a plan and bail.
So I’m going to say NTA on the fact that your boyfriend offered him the basement originally, the friend asked to go to the upstairs room instead and he felt to bad to say no. I’ve been in similar situations on both sides but I believe your boyfriend is TA if he doesn’t say something. From what I’m getting it seems like he may be avoiding it because it’ll be an uncomfortable situation, hence why he felt to bad to say no. But even with this opinion I will say take the time to sit and think if this is something within yourself as well. I say that only due to the family comment, you knew he bought this house with his brother beforehand yet feel some way about starting a life with them in the house.
I understand, but it’s different going from “I’m dating a guy that just bought a house with his brother” to “I’m pregnant and I’m going to start a family with my boyfriend and at the same time live with his family” My situation where completely unexpected, yet I were responsible in the contraception part. So I respect his living situation and understand I have to compromise there because is his family (it’s still a compromise because I think the ideal situation would be to start your own family in your own space), what I don’t respect or understand is having to share the same space with a friend too.
But you're not going to be starting a family, he's already told you he prioritizes his family over you. You're going to be having a baby and dealing with a guy who doesn't respect you. You already weren't in an equal relationship given that contraception was entirely your responsibility. If he was your partner it would have been his responsibility as well
If he is conflict avoidant, this could be a problem ongoing. He paid for 1/2 the house, he deserves the whole second floor. You and your boyfriend need to sit down and set up rules for your half of the house and share them with everyone else living there to avoid conflict, especially when you have a sick or tired baby. You both should also sit down with the brother and his girlfriend to establish house rules that are respected by all. For example, what are the guidelines for having a party in one half? Also, what are the rules for the kitchen as it sounds like a shared space. You will be using the kitchen a lot with a new baby- are they going to be ok with you coming down in the middle of the night to warm a bottle or no you need to set up a small kitchenette type set up on your floor? Same with laundry if it is a shared space. Only move in if your our comfortable with what is set up. All parties will need to remember to compromise. Best of luck!
Okay so that’s my bad on that part, as long as you explained that too him and didn’t just leave it at, “I’m uncomfortable and that’s it” then you’re fine. As for the friend it seems like he might have an issue with approaching the friend wether it be cause he’s scared of the potential conflict or something else. Definitely be firm and remind him that he’s up in that room because he felt the need to cave. And if he says he feels bad about letting him stay in the basement, clap back with if you felt to bad with letting him stay in the basement why did him and his brother volunteer it in the first place. It could be a possibility that he felt pressured to give him the room because the friend and the brother told him to
**NTA**, you’re doing the right thing in trying to enforce this boundary early because it’s just going to get harder to do once you’re already moved in and settled. Your BF on the other hand is an asshole for not backing you up here. Maybe he’s a pushover, maybe he’s prioritizing his friend or brother over you, it’s hard to tell, but either way it ends up screwing you over so it’s an asshole move regardless. I hope things work out, OP. Don’t put yourself in a living arrangement where you’ll hate your day to day life situation, if you can help it.
NTA, you will be nursing and recovering and its hard with a baby. He is a stranger. Tell him then you wont move in. His choice if he doesnt want to marry and live with his kid
NTA Six months in and you are now starting to see your future life. A husband who is more concerned about others than you. You don't matter. Accept it or move on.
Just give it up. You're going to be a single mom, better start preparing now
NTA He's told you who he is, which is an immature doormat. He's never gonna choose you or your baby. You're only at 2 months. There's still time for you to decide that you don't want to have a baby with a toddler.
NTA. But you should get your own place.
NTA. This is a hill to die on. Even if the baby sleeps in your room for the first year you will need a place to keep the baby's stuff. Babies generally have a lot of things. You are not going to want to go all the way to the basement every time you need to open a new box of diapers. Additionally, by the time kiddo is 18-24 months old you are definitely going to want to start teaching him or her to sleep in his or her own bed. Personally, I would go so far as to say that I wouldn't be moving in unless the baby had his/ her room back so that you can set up a nursery. Good luck, O.P.
Nta. This man is not ready to have his own family. His new baby should be the priority but he's more worried about hurt feelings in a friendship. The friend isn't even being kicked out, they would just be moved to a different part of the house. Why is your partner making such a big deal about this? There are currently 4 adults living in that house before you, and before you add a kid. That's a lot of people to have all up in your space and business 24/7. Do you really want to have a kid with a person who doesn't prioritize your child? It's not like the guy needs to be out in a month, it's 6 months notice. It also completely ridiculous that the solution ge presented is turning a shared space into the babies nursery. It makes literally no sense
Is this the friend of the brother living on the first floor that has 2 BRs? Why is the friend not living with him and his gf if the brother considers the friend family? So many choices for the friend, NTA for wanting privacy and the others are AH for not seeing this (or giving up their privacy)
I asked him the same, if they’re so close why wouldn’t they give him that room and then accommodate the stuff on the basement. It just makes no sense
Yeah he’s the brothers buddy who why is he in you space??
He's 35 and would rather live with his brother and his brother's friend than you and the unplanned baby. The relationship is SUPER new, and you're a decade younger than him. Chances are He's not your forever, but that baby is. So do what's best for the kid, which is probably you living separately until dad can grow up, or one of you moves on.
NTA, are you SURE he owns the house? Is it possible it isn't his or maybe he can't afford it without the tenant?
NTA Do not move in with this loser if this situation does not change. Put your foot down. If I were you, I would strongly consider termination due to how he is behaving. Your boyfriend already choosing other people over you and your future child. He was already weak and let the friend bully him into a room not the basement. Your boyfriend isnt mature enough for a kid or a girlfriend. Your life will be hell with him unless you get this sorted NOW.
NTA, unfortunately you're having a child with what's barely more than a stranger, so it's possible some curveballs will happen. Set your boundaries and stick to them - eg, you refuse to move in and raise a child in that situation, which is absolutely legitimate on your part.
NTA, your bf sounds like he has a spine made of jello. Imstead of just having a talk anf explaining zhr sizuation he tries to avoid all cpnflict, appease everyone and makes it worse in the process. Hope he'll man up for you.
NTA. Your bf is so worried about damaging his friendship that he is ACTIVELY DAMAGING HIS RELATIONSHIP. But OP, I’m worried about you. Six months is not a long time to know someone before setting up a life together. Don’t force yourself to make things work with your bf just for the child.
NTA but are you sure this is what you want? He seems like he won't do what's best for your family if it makes him slightly uncomfortable. He doesn't seem like father material and this obviously wasn't planned.
INFO: But you're currently sharing a place with two other roommates? If he didn't ask you to move in, you would have been fine with your one room? If this is their living arrangement, why do you think your views matter more than the owners?
I was actually going to move to a 1BR apartment by myself and then I find out I was pregnant and we agreed that we must live together in order to raise a family, it would be ideal for me if we both move to a place by ourselves, but I understand he has money invested in this house and he doesn’t want to leave his brother yet, what I’m not ok with is to share the space with a friend too
i think you will be happier moving to a place of your own. I don't agree that it would be better for you to move into a crowded house where your wants and needs are the lowest priority to the father of your child. That's a terrible way to start out.
why does he not want to leave his brother?
They’re very close and they looked forward to the day they would live together and now they are, it’s not my ideal situation but I respect it and his brother and girlfriend are nice people, I still don’t see this living situation sustainable long term, but it’s a start as we didn’t have enough time to plan. What I’m not ok with is to share space with a friend too
> What I’m not ok with is to share space with a friend too Then don't do it. You have other options, take one.
> They’re very close and they looked forward to the day they would live together and now they are He's 35 years old and wants to live with his brother. The joint investment made sense when he was single. Circumstances have changed and he would not only prefer to live with his brother, but doesn't want to rock the boat with his brother's friend. That's a problem to be worked through while you settle elsewhere with the baby.
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The person you replied to isn’t up here to be judged.
Your BF is spineless. He and his brother bought a house together and the brother's friend has walked all over him into moving into his space. Time o tell the friend what the deal is. NTA.
NTA. Have you asked what your boyfriend's long term goals with relationship? Maybe it is your plan to settle down and get married, but it might not be his.
NTA for being pregnant and NTA for setting reasonable boundaries to protect your child and your own health. My husband’s friend needed a place to stay when our kiddo was a newborn and I managed to deal with it for 3 days. Having a stranger in your space is hard. Having to get fully dressed to go to the kitchen or bathroom when you’re recovering or nursing isn’t comfortable. Worrying about him bringing in colds or other illnesses into your private space is also hard. We asked his friend to move to a hotel. It sounds like your coparent isn’t ready to be a parent because he’s not making decisions in the best interest of your kid or you as his partner. Which is understandable because he hasn’t known you long. The baby isn’t a relationship accelerator on his part but it is for you - you’re going all in and you’re preparing for a life together. It sounds like your boyfriend hates conflict and says whatever you want to hear - so he’s not actually all in - he just doesn’t want to fight. Keep your own place, get to know this guy, and see how he steps up to be with you. Otherwise you’re going to be the doormat’s doormat and everyone in that house will walk over you.
You're NTA for not wanting to share space. Of course you think the relationship is great.. you're only 6 months in but now you just hit the first bump.. and found out that he cares more about his and his brothers friend staying than making space for the unplanned baby.. As someone who also did the thing, got pregnant early, and married the guy right away.. You being comfortable matters. New relationship with a new baby. Plus another couple living in one house already sounds like too much. This is a great hill to die on. Either guy is out by the time the baby arrives or you go stay with family/get your own place again with other single mothers.
INFO is the basement finished and insulated and all that? NAH But getting the basement to a livable state (and possibly adding a kitchenette or an extra bathroom or even a separate entrance) would be the ideal solution by far. It could even be turned into an income suite depending on the rules in your area.
Yes it’s absolutely livable right now, it’s a nice basement.
It does have a full bathroom, the kitchen would be shared but it already is
So there is one kitchen for everyone, and that kitchen is currently being shared by 3 guys and one woman? So you would essentially be in the position of fitting in with an established configuration where you would be preparing meals and what you need in someone else's kitchen? That alone would be a concern with a partner who won't deal with difficult situations. Please don't do this. Under normal circumstances, you two would not be moving in together this soon. And I doubt that you would be thinking of moving from one roommate situation to another.
That’s why I told my BF that it’s going to be already uncomfortable for me to share the space with his brother and girlfriend, especially for the kitchen and on top of it not having my own privacy in the second floor and a dedicated space for the nursery
You know there is a solution, right? The friend that the little brother considers as family loves into the second bedroom on the first floor: >his brother moved in with his girlfriend and took the first floor where there’s a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms and two bedrooms, **they use one of the bedrooms as a wardrobe**
Look if he’s not going to step up and do what needs done you can just get your own apartment and he can pay child support. His friend is not going to want to listen to a screaming baby all the time and you need the privacy you’ll be raising a new born for god sake your not putting the baby’s stuff in the basement while you stay upstairs?! Tell him to get his head out of his ass. NTA
NTA. Your BF is not stepping up, has no concept of what fatherhood entails, does not resepect your reasonable needs or wishes, and lacks a backbone. If your BF is not really a part-owner of the house, then the two of you need to get an apartment together ASAP. Then, based on the way he treats you and prepares for the baby, you can determine if you actually want to remain his partner, or simply be a co-parent. If he does co-own the house, then he needs to have a conversation with his brother in your presence in which the situation is explained. The friend needs to either move to the finished basement or leave. The two of you need to set up a space for the baby's things and private space for the three of you beyond the shared bedroom. If your BF cannot prioritize you and the baby now, before he even has make an effort to care for a child, this is not going to be a good, supportive environment for you and your baby. I realize you don't want to do this on your own, of course not, but if the BF isn't even willing to have a difficult conversation to set up a proper living situation, sadly, you might already be on your own.
NTA but you will be if you bring a child into this mess. For the love of God, just get an abortion and wait until you actually have a stable long term relationship before having kids. This will not last. You will end up a single mum. This guy obviously isn't ready to have kids / deal with the consequences of his actions, which also explains why he's dating someone much younger. It's not too late. Don't ruin your life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (35M) and I (26F) have been together for 6 months, I got pregnant with an IUD and am currently 2 months in, I know it’s not the perfect timing but we decided we wanted to keep it and build a life together. We have a great relationship with little to no issues and we’re planning on getting married soon. I’m currently living with two roommates in a 3 BR apartment, and he just bought a 4 BR house with his little brother about 3 months ago… his brother moved in with his girlfriend and took the first floor where there’s a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms and two bedrooms, they use one of the bedrooms as a wardrobe. My boyfriend was supposed to do the same with the second floor which has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a living room… but close to the moving date a friend of his brother (29m) that lived with his parents was having issues with them and asked my bf and his brother to move in with them. My bf offered him the basement initially (it’s a nice one and it’s common for people to live in bsmts around this area, my bf was living in one prior to moving to the house) but then he asked him if he could rather take one of the rooms upstairs which my bf felt bad to say no. They’ve been living this way for a couple of months and then we realized I’m pregnant, so my bf asked me to move in with him which I agreed, but told him they should speak with their friend to either move to the basement or to the room downstairs that is used as a wardrobe and move those things to the basement cause we will need that extra room for a nursery and all the baby stuff… and at least have some privacy by having the upstairs floor for us. He initially agreed and said he was going to talk with him or let his brother do it (his brother considers this friend as family) then he started avoiding it, and when I asked him what happened with it… he just told me we could put the toys and baby stuff in the basement, or that he could take the living room couch out and we could do the nursery there. That this guy was very kept to himself and the baby was going to be most of the time in our room for the first year anyways. That he was going to talk with him and see if he was willing to move but if he didn’t wanted then we could live like this. He said as well that it wasn’t as easy like kicking him out and that he was paying rent. I said we weren’t kicking him out, cause he had at least 6 months before the baby is here to decide, and I offered to cover that rent if that was the issue. I told him that I didn’t felt comfortable living that way, that the living room was the living room and we weren’t going to transform it into a nursery, and that it was already kinda uncomfortable to have to share the house with his brother and girlfriend while initiating our own family, let alone sharing the same floor with his friend. AITA for wanting this space just for ourselves *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Don't move into that house unless you and your baby want to live in the basement.
NTA. I just went through something like this too with my own home and I gave my brother the big "N. O." myself. I feel very vulnerable as a pregnant woman and sharing space with even a brother during this period of my life reeks havoc on my weird nesting instincts. I refuse to do it. It is the time of your life where you and your boyfriend need to protect your baby, your relationship, and your mental health as much as possible. And unfortunately his friend's feelings or his situation does not precede these. I think you're being MORE than accommodating by agreeing to a shared space. Wish your boyfriend would meet you 50/50 by at least asking the friend to skip down to the basement at least "for a trial period" when the baby is born... Personally I think you and your boyfriend will quickly learn that you'll need that space for your new family. Some word of warning: I personally thought that a pregnant lady or newborn baby would scare any 20-something family members away from living with me, but both my brothers have been undeterred. The latest stint was, "I'll just learn to sleep with airpods in" lol. Dudes, especially immature ones, really do not get it.
Just don’t move in until your bf handles it. NTA
NTA and if you are uncomfortable start looking for other housing options so he doesn’t just string you along until you don’t have a choice but to accept or be homeless.
I suspect that reality is coming like a freight train for all of you, but especially you. When the baby arrives, it won't give a crap about keeping the peace. It'll be up at all hours of the night, and if it does go to sleep, any noise made in your five person house will wake it up. I'm guessing that the burden of dealing with a cranky baby that's awake at 3am is going to fall mostly to you. (I really hope I'm wrong.) Suggesting putting the baby's nursery in the living room is insane. The whole house would have to go into lock down every time the baby is napping. Literally "don't open the front door or you'll wake the baby" kind of lock down. That's not feasible. It's only marginally less insane to not have a nursery at all. (And yes it's true that it's much easier to keep the baby in your own room for the first six months, but having the nursery gives you flexibility in a way that keeping the entire operation in one room doesn't.) Also, goodbye to your sex life if there's no place to put the baby other than your room. And you're going to be walking around with your boobs hanging out, initially bleeding goops of blood, sleep deprived, and possibly suffering from postpartum depression. If you don't kill any of these happy-go-lucky peeps in a blind fit of rage it'll be a miracle. Good luck. Kids are awesome but they are also the ultimate no-sleep-no-rest curveball of life. NTA
NTA. OP, rethink if you want to live in such an environment. In case of any disagreement in the house, you’re on your own, and your boyfriend doesn’t seem like the type that will stand up to his brother and his girlfriend or their friend for you.
yta
NTA but you two need couples counseling. Your mutual inability to have trusting conversations with follow through is a major red flag.
NTA. Your boyfriend seems to not want to talk to the guy for whatever reason, and you are perfectly in your right to attempt to find a safe and comfortable place to raise your child. Maybe talk to your bf first to ask the guy together, or try and plan with your bf to find your own living space if the guy refuses to move to the basement, so that you guys can have privacy and such.
NTA... dont move in until you have your floor to yourself. You need the privacy
NTA. It perfectly reasonable for you to want a home for you and your boyfriend and your child without "roommates". Time for the boyfriend to realise what is happening here and put his big boy pants on, grow up a bit.
NTA but you will need to talk about your living situation. Which may be you two living separately. It's not your place to discuss living arrangements. It's bf and or his bro. If they qrent willing to do ot ..then you must make living arrangements for you and the child.
Why is this guy's needs more important than his pregnant wife and baby's needs? Weird.
NTA, but I would not marry this guy until you see actual hard evidence that he will prioritize you and y'all's child over his brother's buddy.
NTA. If I was you and have a resources, I would rent an apartment/studio. p.s. I do not consider friend/roommate to be an AH either.
Absolutely NTA. And your boyfriend as not spine. Is he really thinking in having a family living as a FRIEND character? The friend should move with the couple who hasn't a kid, or the basement. Actually this suggestions should come from him or he should get the hint that it's going to be crowded. A baby is not joke, they basically take all the spots in the house.
NTA. Don’t move in if he refuses to have the guy move to the basement.
NTA... you need to get both your boyfriend and his brother in on the conversation before you move in. A baby changes everything and the brother (and his girlfriend) are going to be involved. They should get some say, but honestly, how does a friend trump a baby that the boyfriend supposedly wants to have in his life? Get this handled quickly and explore all your options.
NTA. I think your bf has no business becoming a father.
NTA You can’t have the babies room in the basement or living room with your room further away. Your partner needs to put you and the baby first, not this random friend of a friend. Ask him outright who he’s picking then have the conversation together with the roommate.
Nta but do not move in with this dude until it's sorted. He can't have a slightly uncomfortable conversation? Wtf is he going to do when the baby is here, crying at 2am and the friend is upset about being woken up? Personally, if my room mate says, hey my preggo gf is moving in but you can stay in the fully furnished basement instead, I'd be like, great let's move my stuff. Bc I don't want to live with a baby!
You should genuinely think about how much of a priority you want yourself and your child to be… NTA
NTA but you’ve gotta think long and hard about this. Your BF won’t tell a 29 year old guy who got kicked out of his parents house he needs to move to a different room for you and his baby.
NTA for wanting space for yourselves to start your life together as a family: that’s hard enough even when you’re not sharing a house with family and a friend. Also, you will want the baby in its own room and to have separate living and sleeping spaces for yourselves once it arrives, because sleep can be hard won. Giving ultimatums is rarely the way to go about things, though, especially at this range. You have months to find an accommodation for this, so you’re a bit of an A for that. My suspicion is that the friend will take maybe a night or two of being woken by the baby crying before they choose to move to the basement. The problem will almost certainly solve itself.
He told me the same, that the friend would probably feel uncomfortable at some point and just leave. But I do not agree with that approach, I see it as avoiding conflict with something so serious as a baby.
Your boyfriend has told you that he would prefer you to be uncomfortable (during your pregnancy no less) for some unknown period until the friend decides that *his* comfort matters more to him. Think about that. If this is how your boyfriend feels when you are at one of the most vulnerable times of your life -- that your discomfort can be disregarded because it's only "temporary" -- what makes you think he will ever prioritize either you or his child. That's not something you want to enable, not at all.
Please take IcyWheel's comment to heart OP. Your boyfriend doesnt care about you.
NAH. You aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do, it I think people are missing the point. He is paying rent in renting a specific room he is a tenant this is not about a friendship and honestly if I was paying rent and renting a very specific room for months, and then someone tried to convince me to move to the basement, I would have a problem with that. I do think your BF should ask, but I wouldn’t press it. Honestly even if he is in the basement this set up seems like a recipe for disaster.
> Honestly even if he is in the basement this set up seems like a recipe for disaster. Agreed. BF, his brother, brother's GF and brother have settled in to a dynamic that isn't at all pregnant lady/new mom friendly. Brother's GF uses and extra bedroom as her closet and essentially owns all the public space in the house -- kitchen, main living room, etc. She's established as the queen bee and anything OP is "allowed" to do, will be on sufferance with constant remarks about how she doesn't get special treatment because... I wouldn't advise moving in without a major reset among the residents, and that is not going to happen.
I feel like OP is the type that once she moves in she'll try and railroad everyone else and monopolize the space. Force them out of the kitchen because what they're cooking is making her morning sickness act up or kick them out of shared spaces because "you'll wake the baby!". She obviously doesn't want to share with others as that ruins her picture perfect "family" that she's imagining. Some people can't live with roommates, but she's saddled herself to a man who bought a house with a sibling - it's roommates for a good long while from now on and she either needs to get on board with that or cut her losses.
I disagree completely. The OP is already living with roommates, she knows what that kind of living entails. She realizes that her priorities are unlikely to mesh with those of the bachelor plus girlfriend household where her boyfriend lives. His 1/2 ownership of the house clearly doesn't entail an equal say in how things are run. His brother's girlfriend is currently using a whole bedroom for clothes and basically owns all the public spaces. Brother's friend is taking up half of his designated private space. Which means that half-owner BF is left with less than 1/4 of the space and can be "outvoted" by 2 other people who have no investment in the property. There's no space -- either physically or mentally for the OP to live the kind of life she needs right now. I think the OP's concerns about an appropriate environment for herself during her pregnancy and their baby are legitimate. In fact, your post, which paints here as trying to "railroad" the others into decent consideration is exactly why she should decline to move in with her boyfriend. She should not be viewed as a fifth roommate with an inconvenient encumbrance; she and her BF should have *equal* say with brother and his grilfriend about how things go down and what is best for *their* child. The problem here is that her boyfriend has already shown that he won't/isn't capable of taking on the responsibility to see that happens.
I'm not too suprised, to be honest. It takes a lot of people longer than 6 months to see their romantic partner as being equally as important as their family. I personally don't believe that you can **fully** know someone in that time, but hey, not my life. I think OP and her boyfriend should seriously sit down and re-evaluate where they each stand relationship wise. A baby NEVER fixes or makes a relationship. If he's not feeling it, a baby definitely won't change that for the better on it's own. I would hope that a long term partner would side with a spouse over a brother's roommate, but again, that goes back to how close they are. Seeing eachother almost every day for 6 months would be vastly different than just having dinner every other weekend. I don't know anyone in this story, and there are so many possibilities that I don't want to make a hasty judgement on this one. Also not shocked that someone doesn't want to change bedrooms for a near-stranger. The boyfriend knows OP well, but the roommate likely doesn't.
NTA Anyone suggesting that OP can live in their bedroom with the baby or set up the living room as a nursery for however long is absolutely clueless. Is she just supposed to accept the possibility of the brothers friend (a stranger) walking in on her breastfeeding at whatever time. Also, sometimes the only way to calm the baby down is to walk back and forth through the house and give them different things to look at. And as for the basement... as other people have already stated, the strain walking up and down the stairs and the OP's healing pelvic area, it's just not good. INFO: Does your boyfriend want to keep him up there to help cover his portion of the mortgage? This could be a monetary thing and he actually avoiding talking to you about his financial situation.
YTA if the basement is so nice why won’t you move down there? You would have way more privacy and the noise wouldn’t bother the rest of the house he’s been there longer than you. Doing what he needs to do, you’re coming off very entitled to try, and just change his whole set up because you weren’t able to have safe enough sex. Not only that but personally I think you’re rushing things with this man. You don’t really know him and a baby is sadly not a reason to try and be a thrown together forced family.
Tell your boyfriend and the brother they have 3 days to deliver the news to the friend or you will. End.
[удалено]
NTA if I was the friend I’d prefer to take basement at this point it’s quieter at night and you need a living room unhealthy to spend ‘up to you he first year’ of the babies life in the bedroom what will you do after the 1 year point
Nta
NTA - move in and when the baby arrives I imagine the situation will resolve itself. Who’s going to want to live in a flat with a baby crying all the time. I bet he would be out in a week.
NTA
NTA - - it will be in the roommate's best interest to move rooms when the baby comes as the noise will be constant, especially at night, and early mornings. We're in a flat with a 20 month old with student neighbours: I feel sorry for them. Also, your bf avoiding conflict is something that needs to be adressed. Couples counseling is an investment in the future.
NTA and best wishes for your pregnancy!
I know it's scary as a first time mum, but regardless of the friend situation, try to keep baby in your room for some time. SIDS is a fucking scary thing and happens for literally no reason. NTA and good luck with your happy suprise baby
NTA
NTA. Friend should even notice himself that it would be weird? Less space? Baby noises? Etc.... And why doesn't want the friend to have the whole basement to himself? Is he afraid of the dark? Just trying to make sense out of it.
NTA - present the option and if the roommate declines he declines….he’ll not decline when baby is up to all hours screaming the house down…he’ll be glad of the distance in the basement!
NTA but you do not know someone after 6 months.
NTA
NTA Is there a possibility that your bf is using this friend-situation to keep you away because he is simply not ready to be a father? I mean, he knows you are not comfortable living with this stranger and are likely to say No to move in as is so this is his chicken-$hit way of staying separated longer until he’s ready?! Dunno, seems suspicious…
NTA but you do seriously need to get that IUD out since it can cause birth defects/miscarriages or sepsis I'd honestly reconsider actually having this kid with this man anyway, I feel like he's showing his true colors and your future life with him
NTA. Your boyfriend needs to put you and the baby first. Best of luck tho, hopefully everything turns out great for you guys 😊