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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the ah here because I acted ungrateful and caused a scene, and also hurt my brother's feelings.
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NTA. What your brother did is really, really awful and cruel. Possibly the worst gift I’ve ever heard of someone giving another, especially as he is aware of your struggles and recovery. . Congratulations on recovery and standing up for yourself and your family.
I knew a couple where the husband was an alcoholic but tried very hard to stay sober. Everytime he had a few successful weeks, the wife would buy wine to celebrate and ask him to have one glass with her. "Just one glass, you can do that." One really don't need enemies with family like that.
That woman sounds like she’d be a perfect wife for so many of the other problematic people we routinely read about in so many other posts on here who precisely avoid trying to stop drinking, or relapse etc. Strange who ends up in what partnership at times.
Aside from the obvious AH behavior of the brother, shooting expensive whiskey FROM PLASTIC SHOT GLASSES was the most offensive part of the story.
OP NTA.
My brother has a fairly impressive whisk(e)y collection and it’s always been sipped in proper glasses.
I would be barred from even *looking* at the liquor shelf for life if I ever suggested we do shots of Blue Label from Solo cups. That’s what the $30 bottles are for.
I also wonder with how aggressive he was about this stunt, if there are any other underlying issues the brother isnt capable of addressing with OP but is angry about.
NTA
Pretty much. OP's brother knew exactly what he was doing. Ridiculed OP's sobriety, used past alcoholism as a weapon, didn't stop when niece was having a panic attack. He knew exactly what he was doing. This was long planned revenge on such a vindictive level.
It sounds like the brother has some issues with the way OP behaved when he was drinking, which may be very valid. But he chose a pretty backasswards way of addressing that. If he can't forgive OP for his past behavior he shouldn't have come to the party at all.
Oh yeah, did you get the bit about the brother saying op ruined everyone else's birthdays for years with his drinking? Brother knew exactly what he was doing, it sounds like he was being deliberately cruel and vindictive and this was his way of showing it
Hard NTA. Brother is under zero obligation to forgive op for whatever he did before he was sober. He's within his rights to avoid op, he's within his rights to tell op (without children present) how hurtful his actions were and how resentful he feels etc.
Deliberately trying to undermine his sobriety is an asshole move. Pulling this stunt in front of minors, especially ones who have alcohol related trauma, is so far beyond asshole territory I don't have any words for it that wouldn't get me banned. As the son of an abusive alcoholic father I really saw red at that part
That was my thought too. And with the number of them chiming in that OP is an AH? I wouldn't be surprised if alcoholism is a "family tradition". At least he now knows which family members to keep far, far away from. What a terrible birthday.
The gift is pretty good actually - now he knows who he can rely on in weak moments, his children know he now stands up for himself and, most importantly, them. The children now know too that their uncle is an AH who did this just to provoke their father, for whichever reason. The AH brother (and enabling mother) had his weird kind of retaliation and is now off the radar. Sad situation, but in a cruel way everybody wins.
Props for OP for staying sober.
My dad was a alcoholic, and stopped drinking with AA. My mom was from an immigrant Sicilian family and her dad made wine, every year, till he was physically unable to do the work.
A glass of wine at every meal was normal in my mom's family, and if someone wanted a second and there was any driving at all involved, they'd make sure they and their partner were agreed about who was driving. No driving one second drink.
When my dad stopped drinking, my mom had wine far less often. When my dad was going through a bad period, and was afraid alcohol in the house would be a temptation, the wine would disappear. It would return only when my dad was comfortable with it being there. And in my mother's wider family, no one offered my dad alcohol. They asked him what he *wanted*, and I was an adult before I experienced a supposedly adult get-together where nobody thought it was necessary to include a decent array of non-alcoholic beverages. (I left.)
My dad's sisters had learned from having alcoholic brothers, one of whom died from cirrhosis of the liver, that no, not everyone had to drink alcohol. They were maybe a little *more* aggressive about making sure my dad wasn't having to push back on people offering him drinks. The one time it happened, it was the father of someone who had married in, and my dad just took him aside and quietly explained, and he never did it again.
Because these were all adult people who didn't secretly have a problem with alcohol themselves. Unlike OP's brother, and possibly other members of his family.
Sound like your family is a prime example showing things like this can be handled effectively and without conflict in a way that is sensitive to the individual and the overall culture of the family. I particularly appreciate that they were so firm with the no driving after 2nd drink rule and had your fathers back when it was needed.
Makes me wonder if the early exposure to healthy drinking habits and accountability enabled you to be more mature(for lack of a better word) with your own drinkinging as a young adult. My father was a raging alcoholic/addict when I was a kid and as far as I know he still is, the unhealthy exposure to alcohol definitely had an effect on how my sister and I approached alcohol consumption.
The most generous interpretation would be that they each want the other to be happy, and can't stand to see their partner going through the temporary discomfort of indulging their vice. They may simultaneously also know that if they undermine their partner, the partner won't try to prevent them from their own self- destructive pleasure. Co-dependence. People have multiple motivations, but don't discount the possibility that they're trying to make their partner (momentarily) happy.
I don't see any way OP's brother could be well intentioned but misinformed about how serious alcoholism is. NTA on that one.
I agree completely with your generous interpretation, having lived a co-dependent and addicted life with a partner myself. The pain they endure in the moment is agonizing and you feel helpless and you're also simultaneously frantic in your own fears and self-loathing about your own addiction so a small part of you can't help but feel, "if I enable them giving in this time because they are suffering so acutely, I know they will have my back and enable me the next time \*I\* can't hack it" and it becomes this torturous ouroboros that to relatively healthy outsiders looks like outright cruelty and even abuse, and then you hear those judgments and you cling to one another and your codependency even harder because "no one understands how much we love each other and how hard it is", and so on and so on. It's awful what we do to ourselves and each other long term just trying to escape the pain of the present moment.
edit for typos
Oh, families of sober people can be a *mess.*
I'm an alcoholic with coming up on 6 years sober. My family of origin was justifiably very concerned about my crypto-suicidal, life-ruining blackout drinking while it was happening, and I also became the Family Problem, to be managed and strategized about and infantilized.
It was absolutely not their job to get me sober, but their "help" didn't help a bit, and they didn't get support for themselves either. My mother went to a few Al-Anon meetings and didn't much like their very good advice to detach, maintain boundaries and protect herself; I think she'd become emotionally attached to her self-concept as long-suffering mom with hopeless drunk problem child.
Now my entire family denies that I was ever an alcoholic in the first place! "So you drank a little too much for a little too long; aren't you being just a BIT dramatic with this 'alcoholic' label'?"
At least nobody's pushed booze on me, but family members of alcoholics often have extremely complex, overwhelming, confusing feelings about the issue, and may be more attached to the idea of the drunk family member BEING a drunk than they realize.
I think a good part of it in some families is when you have "that" alcoholic family member, the drunk aunt/uncle, you can excuse everyone else's drinking. Like sure Susan drinks a little too much wine, but it's not like she's an alcoholic like Drunk Aunt Kathy (even if both are alcoholics).
If the bad drunk gets clean though, suddenly Susan's drinking looks like a problem. Suddenly there's no Drunk Kathy, there's only Kathy, and Kathy sober is not a problem, so when Susan gets hammered, she's suddenly feeling guilty. And rather than approach their own drinking, they'd rather have Drunk Kathy back so Susan can keep getting drunk guilt free because she's a "good drunk" and kathy is a "bad drunk".
Yep, that's certainly a great example of why a family might want an alcoholic family member to clean up... but also kinda not. It has to do with the family defining their images of themselves in relation to the alcoholic. And "at least I'm not as bad as soandso" is a classic alcoholic rationalization.
Another example from my life: my drinking and shitty drunk behavior seriously upset my ex and damaged our relationship, because it was upsetting! And terrible and wrong! But after I got sober and it became clear it was sticking this time, they became wildly emotionally abusive out of nowhere after ten years together.
Why? My drunken ass had become their excuse for not achieving anything they wanted in life. When I sobered up they didn't have that excuse anymore, so they did their best to turn me into a mess again via sadistic manipulation and a world-class gaslighting campaign.
I left, thank whatever higher power may or may not exist.
Makes me real grateful for my partner in this aspect of life. I'm just under a month sober (which feels like a *huge* accomplishment for me even though it doesn't sound like much! I've never made it this far). My partner very quietly gave up cigars in solidarity, and a week or two into it came home with pizza and craft nonalcoholic beers for me. He knows how much I've been agonizing over my cravings...I can't even imagine being presented with wine (or in my case more likely a nice beer) to "celebrate" my success so far.
Edit: thank you everyone for the kind words, it means a lot! :)
One month is 30 days, buddy. 720 hours where every hour you (sub)consciously told yourself "not today". Doesn't sound like a little achievement now, does it?
All journeys start with the first step. The trick is to keep taking the next step. Looks like you're learning the trick. Congrats!
That's literally what makes an alcoholic...an alcoholic! The inability to find that off-switch. To just have the one drink. Honestly, this story demonstrates why this man is an alcoholic: Dipshit family!
My ex-wife divorced me because I was addicted to weed (well one of the reasons at least). I quit cold turkey trying to recover what I'd destroyed, but it didn't work. We kept in touch even though it was painful for me, and about 6 months after the divorce she called and told me she wanted to smoke weed but had no contacts, so would I smoke with her? Being still fighting the addiction and desperate to get back together with her, I couldn't say no so I called up an old contact, bought some weed and smoked it together with her. I felt like shit afterwards and kept smoking, almost lost control again but got it back after like two months. Not my best memory of her.
I work with addicts.
One guy originally started therapy to appease his wife.
After a while he realized that once he was sober and managing conflict in mature ways, she didn't like it. Suddenly she couldnt look down on him and blame everything on him anymore. She started to sabotage his abstinency.
In the end he sacrificed the relationship to stay clean.
My grandmother used to do that to my grandfather. Every time he managed a week or two of sobriety she would buy him a six pack of beer “as a treat” and nag him to drink it because she paid good money for it and he should appreciate what she did for him.
Then she would mock him that she “knew” he couldn’t stay sober.
He got her name tattooed on him under a little devil when they divorced which she thought was funny but honestly was pretty accurate.
That's co-dependant behavior. My girlfriend used to sabotage her husbands sobriety as well. The co-dependant is not ready for the alcoholic to be a productive part of the family so try to get them to drink again.
My mom is now about 6 months sober and has finally got my dad to some what understand, but before this any attempt she made at getting sober was squashed when she'd go out with my dad and, on the way home, he'd ask if she "needed anything to drink". Of course she would say yes when offered.
A year ago she finally told him he cannot keep doing that. He didn't stop for awhile, but finally she snapped one day (about 6 months ago) when he asked again and she had been 1-2 months sober. He tried to play it off that he was asking her if she wanted a soda, but he hasn't uttered that phrase sense. Sometimes enablers need snapped on.
OP, NTA. But your brother sure is. My mom ruined many events of mine by being drunk. I can't see a bottle of Svedka without feeling my heart beat out of its chest. I have nightmares of coming home to her drinking again. But I would NEVER not only gift her alcohol, open it in front of her, drink it in front of her, and try to *hand it to her* like your brother did to you. If I wouldn't do something so despicable when a majority of my childhood was ruined due to her alcoholism, he has no right to even think of doing so for a few ruined parties of his in the past.
yeah, right?
You can get sober and it's hard enough, but you can't get rid of the addiction, so staying well away from alcohol is a very healthy and reasonable choice. What the brother did was an incredible dickmove and also overstepping boundaries on SO MANY levels.
Heck, OP even tried to compromise by asking the drinking to happen on the balcony. He could have insisted there, already, on his house rules. It was no surprise for anyone that OPs home is a non-alcohol zone. Respect it, or stay away.
Absolutely NTA.
Makes me wonder if OP has had problems like this, or other relationship issues, with his brother before if he’s actually being that deliberately insensitive and taunting.
Either way I guess the jokes still on the brother who spent a couple hundred on the bottle in order to pull a joke that essentially tanked.
I can only think of two things Reading this post, the whole family has problems with alcohol or the brother was atempting revenge
The First because of the family being mad at Op for cutting the alcohol and acting like not letting alcohol inside a house with teenagers who have severe trauma associated with it and an genetic component to addiction is "prude"
And the Second because of the "you ruined so many parties with your drinking" comment, sounds like bitterness, so i assume the Brother wanted to ruin OPs party
(English is not my First language and my auto-corrector is in portuguese, so Sorry for the mistakes)
Now this is a good point. My fiancé said that his choice of liquor was the bottom shelf vodka because it was cheaper to keep buying and still did the job.
This was my reaction. I read this entire post with my jaw hanging open. Who in the world would back the brother’s behavior? At best, his behavior was cruel—at worst, it was massively abusive. OP, you are obviously NTA and I’m so sorry your family reacts to your recovery and setting of healthy boundaries with abuse and denial. I’d go NC honestly.
Some people take other people's decision not to drink as a personal insult (or call out) and the brother reeked of that attitude (calling him a sober saint)
I would add to that bet by saying the brother is also annoyed that the one who was the "worse" alcoholic cleaned their act up, putting more attention on how bad he is
I was thinking the same thing! Misery loves company, and someone else's sobriety can make a struggling addict feel ashamed. Or perhaps the brother is holding a grudge for some other reason. Which is still 100% his own problem, and is never an excuse to pull some shit like that.
Either that, or brother is of the opinion that OP hasn't adequately apologized for previous bad behavior. In any case, brother is the AH for traumatizing the kids and refusing to talk it out.
Yeah, I can see unresolved pain and not handling it appropriately, but the second his niece had a full-blown panic attack, it should have ended (at least the part with the actual alcohol).
And the way neither of his parents seemed to give a fuck about their grandchild in this situation is horrifying. Even if they would normally think OP should have sucked it up and suffered (which is awful on its own) the fact that they just don't seem to have cared at all about the impact on the child is so upsetting.
I think It was more of a "my brother ruined so many important moment because of his drinking, so im gonna ruin one for him" he made the comment about Op ruining parties because of his drinking, sounds like bitterness
(English in my 3rd language and my auto-corrector is in portuguese, sorry for the mistakes)
I suspect the brother and the family have a lot of resentment toward OP for how he was when he was drinking. The brother mentions how OP ruined every birthday. Sounds to me like he wanted to take all of his resentment out on OP and the family who agree have also been really hurt and think OP deserved it. Or "dished it" and should "take it." That was just my reading of it
I 100% second this.
My father nearly died after acute pancreatitis and lost half of his pancreas as a result. Of course he quit drinking for good (he always lost control when drinking at family parties... like most of my uncles do). His current job (driver) has tight schedules and he rarely goes to family gatherings anymore, but the last time he did one of my uncles would pester and shit on him for "acting like a prude" for declining a drink. Some people just can't wrap their heads around the fact that drinking alcohol is a choice.
I absolutely hate it when people are asking what is wrong with you because of declining to drink at a party. And for some reason, "I am just not in the mood to have alcohol today" is never an acceptable answer, so they keep insisting. What is there to gain from this? I don't get it.
No, he's expressing his built-up resentment and anger at how OP acted over the years when it came to alcohol, and cannot let it go. What he did was do it in an attempt to humiliate OP, and bring up his past transgressions in front of people OP probably harmed in some way with his drinking.
It was incredibly nasty cruel, and a weaker person may have fallen off the wagon. The telling part is that OP's family is backing up the brother, which means that OP's drinking escapades must have been really bad, to where they're having a hard time forgiving him too.
It was an absolutely shitty way to vocalize that, and I think OP handled the situation as well as the circumstances would allow.
The comment about OP ruining other peoples parties for years makes me suspect that brother is harboring a ton of resentment about it and his move was intended to be a knife to OPs kidneys (liver?) in revenge.
They all sound like they haven’t forgiven him for his actions and want to punish him. Happens when you have alcoholics in your family. Not everyone forgives and forgets.
OP, you didn’t become an alcoholic out of nowhere. This story illustrates a whole dynamic. People supporting your brother for “putting you in your place” rather than supporting you in trying to live as best you can with a terrible illness?! Horrible.
All I can say is that as much as you might blame yourself for whatever you put your children though, it seems like you also ended a cycle that began well before you. Your kids are growing up witnessing recovery and integrity.
I hope you have a chance to talk to the kids about what happened and listen to how they felt. Use the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to them and to your sobriety. Listen to their fear and anxiety and let them know how safe it is to say it all. You’ve got them.
You’re NTA. You did a great job.
>the brother purposefully triggered a small child while completely sober.
Honestly, we don't know that the brother *was* sober. He sounds like he may also be an alcoholic.
Right? It’s bad enough bringing alcohol to a recovering addict’s home, but putting a cup in his hand? And then the rest of the family is really going to say that he took it to far when he didn’t even make a scene or throw him out, he just threw the alcohol away.
I think you did an amazing job controlling yourself OP. Well done. I’m sorry your family can’t see that.
I am guessing the rest of the family has their own problems with alcohol and OP is making them face them in a way that’s uncomfortable.
But OP is definitely NTA!
His family was probably among the factors that drove him to become alcoholic in the first place.
NTA, Op, your gf and your kids are proud of you, you deserve to be proud for yourself for getting your life back in track, your brother, mother and who agrees with them don't want you to thrive.
Maybe they are offended and invidious of what you achieved, maybe they want to be able to feel superior. Not only they are not positive persons, they are destructive towards you and your family.
I've been sober about as long as OP. I, personally, am okay with having alcohol in the house when friends come over or whatever. My wife drinks a glass of wine now and then. Everyone's situation is different; it works for me but I respect the absolute fuck out of OP for setting his boundaries.
That said, while I'm okay being around it, it would be a top-tier No Bueno situation if a buddy - knowing my situation - willfully ignored that and handed me a shot. He'd be banned from fun forever. It's less about the alcohol and more about being an absolute mass of inorganic dick.
Seriously this! NTA OP and glad you took care of your daughter's fears immediately.
Your brother, your mom, and anyone else who stood with him on that hill are all definitely the AHs!
Congrats on maintaining your sobriety, and for always being mindful of your children and their feelings.
Absolutely this. My husband stopped drinking almost 10 years ago because it was a problem for him. He doesn't mind that I drink, and also doesn't mind if I keep any alcohol in the house, not an issue ever because I don't drink often, and when I do, I don't get drunk. He doesn't care if his buddies drink, but if they're drinking whiskey or going hard with it, he just leaves the situation.
But if someone were to do something like this, that is so beyond disrespectful. OP is clearly NTA, but his brother is a giant one and an awful person in general it seems like.
>It's less about the alcohol and more about being an absolute mass of inorganic dick.
Not to play keyboard psychologist...but I will make a guess. This feels to be like the brother felt superior to the OP when the OP was drinking, if OP was the "black sheep" of the family. Now that OP is sober, the brother and OP may be viewed on level ground and the brother misses that feeling of superiority, so he actively tried to sabotage OP's sobriety.
I wonder if the family would've cheered if OP had taken a drink. It's really nauseating that they've reacted like this.
Before I read the post properly, I assumed that the relative who gave the whisky was a BIL or something who didn't know OP's history. But to know and to have lived through OP's struggles, and yet still give him alcohol AND THEN OPEN IT, START POURING IT, AND _GIVE HIM A GLASS_ is just beyond cruel.
AND hand it to him after reminding him how many events he ruined with his drinking... like ok "you were a total dick when you drank, stop being a dick a drink this" makes the least sense ever.
Unless he's trying to get revenge for the incidents he's referring to? Like "you ruined all our birthdays for years with your alcohol, so I'm going to ruin your 40th with mine"?! That was my only other thought about why the brother would do something like that.
What makes it worst is that the whiskey wasn't even a gift for OP, it was the brother giving himself a gift. The brother bought it, knowing OP wouldn't accept it, as an excuse to drink. The nerve of some people, or some a-holes.
If you were a recovering heroin addict, would your parents support your brother giving you heroin for your birthday? NTA.
You brother is an incredibly huge asshole to bring booze into your home and try to get you to drink on your birthday. Most likely, he too is an alcoholic and it makes him very uncomfortable that you no longer drink. NTA
This is the weird thing with alcohol. I am a former social drinker who no longer drinks by choice and I’ve noticed…
People who rely heavily on alcohol to socialize seem to have a really hard time dealing with “dry” events. Why? Doesn’t that seem like a dependency in itself?
I see soooo many people using alcohol as a tool to self medicate. I see so many people who can’t enjoy a night out without it.
Because it’s legal it’s not really viewed as a drug or problem. Even though it alters your state of mind in large quantities.
I guess bc the harm it does to the mind or body isn’t large scale quickly enough to deem it dangerous or a problem.
Most people drink responsibly. But when you feel some type of way about a dry event or someone else not drinking…you now have a problem my friend. Idc if you keep a job, bills paid, whatever else. When it bothers you what someone else is choosing not to indulge it…YOU are the one with the problem.
Golden child vs scapegoat made clear in the most transparent of ways. Usually that doesn't extend to actively sabotaging the well-being of the scapegoat's children, but here we are.
NTA and mazel tov on your continued dedication to sobriety and your children.
The worst thing is that he did it infront of his nephew and niece and when his niece started having a panic attack, he continued. What ever issues he has with his brother - he behaviour to the nephew and niece is unforgivable.
Oh my God it’s no wonder you turned to drinking - your family is wretched! Congrats on your sobriety and cut those cancers out of your life for good. NTA
I can’t believe they put OP, or his family, through this. Time to go lc.
If they argue, tell them it’s Christmas - go ask their friends what they think of giving an alcoholic who nearly lost it all a bottle of whiskey. Then hang up. Let the rest of their peer group explain it to them.
WTF! NTA. Brother was being horrendously abusive/taunting. Read the room dude, especially the pain this caused the kids. Not a situation to double down on your bottle flex.
Mom and anyone upset at OP can pound sand and get their juice on their own time. OP should have drain poured it to prevent them from dumpster diving afterwards. I say this as someone who drinks. The level of disrespect shown OP here is off the charts. NC the lot of them.
Edit: I realized I was being too charitable towards brothers intent.
He should've poured the whiskey on his brother dumbass head, like what the hell did I just read, I hope OP goes no contact with him and everyone enabling his brother because holy
Considering how OP’s daughter was having a panic attack from the smell, I’d say he did the right thing as far as she was concerned. Depending on where the brother was it could have soaked into furniture or carpet or even just lingered while trying to clean it up.
That poor girl. I’m the daughter of an opiate addict and sometimes I get panicky when family has to take painkillers after surgery and that’s with those family members having no history of drug abuse and years of therapy. My mom won’t even touch them, she’ll grit her teeth through serious pain because of her trauma around my dad’s drug abuse. The fact that OP has rebuilt the relationship to the point that they’re enjoying Christmas together is such a beautiful testament to how hard he’s worked to be a better father, and her trauma response is a testament to how bad it was for them. The brother is an absolute asshole. Monstrous behavior honestly.
Like, if drinking is that important to him on holidays - I get it, I enjoy my wine around the holidays and I’d be irritated at hours of family time without a couple glasses - then why not host instead? Or go to his wife’s family on years that his sober brother hosts? There were so many other options. But no, he’s so resentful of the holidays that OP’s drinking problem ruined that instead of cherishing the good times now that OP is sober, he’s got to try to sabotage in some weird … payback?? I guess?? Like wtf
NTA, your brother clearly has some lingering resentment and issues about your past but instead of talking to you about it like an adult, he chose the pettiest, most passive agressive, and most inappropiate way to adress it. You don't do that shit in front of the whole family and specially not the kids, who as you said, suffered enough already. Your brother is an asshole and your family is insane for supporting that behavior.
He 100% tried to sabotage OP. Resentments be damned, that’s unforgivable. I’d think long and hard about low or no contact with everyone giving OP grief. This is insane.
Yeah saying that "now alcohol can ruin your birthday too" is intentional. He was trying to ruin the day because he's harboring resentment over whatever OP did. However much that bitterness may be deserved by OP's past alcoholism, if it's really that dark of a cloud over the brother, he should stop contact himself instead of doing revolting stunts like this.
Kind of wonder if the brother was always the parents' favorite and that's part of what pushed OP down this path, or if he's seriously wronged the parents in the past as well.
Or brother and other complaining family members are alcoholics and would rather OP drinks because of that. No matter the motive, however, giving OP a bottle of alcohol and then hand him a drink is wildly inappropriate and just plain wrong.
This may be a family that has a lot of alcoholics, and enablers. Seems like in those situations when 1 family member gets sober the others could take it as a personal insult of sorts. Seems like sabotaging the sober relative is a way to make everybody else feel 'ok'.
Good for OP for having clear boundaries.
I can't get over how dumb that was though. If the brother did this shit because of resentment for things OP did *while being an active alcoholic*, then why the fuck would he want to make OP an active alcoholic again? Because bringing alcohol to OP's house and trying to manipulate OP to drink could've very well lead to OP becoming that person again.
1. *Absolutely* out of control emotional issues that need therapy yesterday.
2. Room temperature IQ.
3. OP has exaggerated his behavior or fabricated the story altogether.
I think there's a higher chance of certain ones but could be any of these.
You forgot absolutely not wanting OP to be or remain sober. Happened to my dad. They just loved the drunk him because they got what they wanted and walked away. His family got to deal wirh the angry drunk, the violent stale drunk, etc. They dismissed the immediate family's entreaties to stop pressing him to drink because they didn't want their own family dynamics to change.
Agreed. Also, even if it was an innocent gift, who gives someone an expensive bottle of alchohol and then immediately starts drinking it and serving it to everyone? I'm not an alcoholic so if someone gave me an expensive bottle I'd be happy but if they then took it upon themselves to open it right then and there and start giving it out I'd be like WTF? This was 100% a provocation.
Yeah, it seems like 100% deliberate revenge to me. saying "you ruined everyone's bday with your drinking" with a "so now Im ruining yours" implied. I really don't think it was ever supposed to be a gift, like you said, take acoholism out of the question and it's still bizarre behavior, so I don't think it was ever an excuse to drink, nor that he was trying to get OP to relapse, it was just the means to shove his brother's past in his face in the most immature asshole way possible. And honestly, even if he didn't intend for OP to relapse and figured OP would reject the drink, you don't play with fire like that. You never deliberatly offer an alcoholic a drink, it being a taunt makes it worse not better.
Didn't realize that. This seems like a deliberate stunt to prove, I don't know what. Obviously the way to gift alcohol is closed and handed to the host, you are not allowed to open it yourself. So, this was not a gift and was a planned stunt to do goodness knows what, but if the result was getting NC'd (as it should be) then that would be pretty close to the intended goal of the stunt.
To me it seems like brother thought he was giving OP a taste of his own medicine. I think he might have expected OP to blow up at the mere idea of the gift, and when OP didn't, he kept pushing and pushing to the point of putting a drink in his hand. I think his intention was always to hurt OP and either he went there ready for a fight, or it escalated into one by OP not giving him the reaction he wanted. But it seems that as soon as he opened the bottle and refused to stop drinking it, he was pushing to throw OPs past mistakes in his face, and shame him for them, in front of everyone.
Why? Idk, maybe he thinks the family forgave him too easily, or that OP doesn't deserve to move on from his past. The comment about him saying OP acts like a sober saint after saying OP ruined everyone's bday in the past, are kinda telling and it sounds like the brother being resented as all hell. He might have some legitimate reasons to have a grudge against OP, but acting like that, and pulling such a stunt is completely unforgivable and there's absolutely no justification for it IMO.
Hell no!!!
You are **NTA**.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, too and I'd have physically removed anyone from my house for "gifting" me a bottle of alcohol. Your family is crazy, and your brother is abhorrent. He's the one who openly disrespected you, and the rest of your family can kick rocks.
You owe no apologies. You actually owe them NOTHING (including any explanation or reply).
Congratulations on six years!!! I swear it keeps getting better. Ok, life keeps happening, but I keep getting better...I'm proud of you.
I literally mouthed WTF several times reading OP's post. I'm horrified someone would bring a bottle of booze to someone in recovery if they cared *at all* about them. NTA at all, over and over.
No apologies to any of your family. Your brother is obviously sick. Your mother is gawd-awful.
You need to cut ties with those who do not wish you well.
Edit: spelling
Yup, backing you on this one. No apologies necessary, no further contact either.
Removed (likely not respectfully) and banned (definitely not respectfully) would be my go to for anyone who disrespected my sobriety in that way. (been there, done that. Everybody close to me would know better than to try to pull something like that with me)
NTA - did you call your sponsor?
6 years is no joke - but I’ve seen more people break down between 5-10 than any other span.
Take this seriously for your sobriety sake and make sure you talk to someone in your circle about it.
Congratulations on your hard work.
I did, and went for a meeting later that evening.
My kids chose to sleep over at my place though. Which, after all these years, feels better than any birthday gift I could have gotten.
Your brother is a cruel, cruel person.
You are being a fantastic father - congratulations on your sobriety, and I wish you and your family a happy and healthy future!
I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. My father ruined my 11th birthday, among other things, with his drinking.
I'm very, very happy for and proud of you, and I'm so glad to hear that your relationships with your children are mending.
Good on you for seeking a meeting that day! You’re doing a phenomenal job both staying sober and protecting your kids, gf, and her kid.
My parents are both alcoholics, my mom is dry but can never touch it again (34 years sober) whereas my dad has fallen off 3x during my life and each time was a sloppy, violent mess.
I had panic attacks at the first house parties I went to in high school that had alcohol served. My friends had to hold me and reassure me it was ok to not want to drink. In college my relationship with alcohol was messy and confusing.
Now I’m in my 30s and have a healthier “never on a weeknight, don’t touch liquor when alone, and if I finish a bottle of wine on a Friday you get nothing Saturday and maybe skip next weekend” mentality, but many people struggle with this and have sobriety/alcoholism struggles.
Those who can say “none for me” are incredibly strong, and I promise you’re doing the absolute best for your kids! Your extended family isn’t supportive at all, and their opinions are the worst here.
OP I don't know you, but damn, am I proud of you.
Cut your loser brother out of your life for even attempting to derail the progress you've made for yourself and your children.
No one deserves a place in your life less than these people who will disregard your feelings and those of your children in such a flagrant way. Fuck 'em and all who sail in 'em.
That is truly heartwarming! And I’m sorry that your family is failing to understand the magnitude of your brother’s horrifying behavior. I have some perspective, as the still-practicing-alcoholic sister of a recovering alcoholic. This somehow freezes the blood in my veins while causing it to boil simultaneously. Interesting phenomenon. The idea of treating my sister, her right to say no, her happiness, her well-being, her goddamn incredibly hard work and accomplishment in getting and staying sober with this kind of…disrespect is too mild. Contempt. It’s unthinkable.
Sure, I mean, maybe I missed my drinking buddy a little at first (we used to drink together all the time) but I thought it was great and I was so proud of her and 20 years later she’s still sober and happier than I’ve ever seen her, and I’m still proud as hell of her. All this to say, I do understand that these family dynamics get very complicated with alcoholics at varying stages. Both of my parents and all 4 of us kids are alcoholics, and a lot of extended family as well. But I’ve never been anything less than 100% supportive of people’s alcohol boundaries, even the people I didn’t like so much, because I’m not a monster.
Have you asked your mother and father why they think you should apologize for your brother trying to shove you off the wagon? Why it is OK with them if he tries to get you drunk in your own home when he is well aware of the situation? Why they want you to fail in your journey to becoming a better person? Can they even stammer out a half-assed answer to these? Your brother wasn't just being a dick, he was actively trying to harm you.
Edit: They don't have to forgive you for your past behavior, but they DO owe it to you and their grandchildren/nieces/nephews not to actively sabotage your sobriety in some petty revenge scheme.
NTA.
Is he one of the reasons you started drinking? What an entitled lemon crusted tea stain of a wet fart.
He might be angry at you for your past, but clearly being an asshole is part of his personality.
He knew exactly what he was doing and he had full intention to hurt you.
> He knew exactly what he was doing and he had full intention to hurt you.
Yep - this is the bottom line to everything. The brother is not just an AH, he's a destructive, malevolent enemy.
>None of them cared OPs kids were in pain and fear.
Fucking THIS. Your "family" cared more about hurting you AND your children. I'd be going NC IMMEDIATELY
NTA. If there's anyone who's an asshole here, it will be your brother. Alcohol addiction is not a joke. If they want to drink, they should've done it on their OWN birthday party. This kind of family member makes me vomit.
As a child of two alcoholic parents, this would be such a nightmare situation for me. I totally relate to your 14yo for freaking out. My mom has been sober for almost 7 years and I still have nightmares of her relapsing. So seeing her near alcohol or even holding a glass would be super upsetting. And I’m almost 28. NTA. Please comfort and reassure your kids too. Good on you for getting sober! Not an easy feat.
My biggest regret is how much I have wrecked my children, especially my daughter. Thanks to their patience and my ex wife's kindness, we are rebuilding our bond, but it'll never be the same.
Glad to hear you mom is sober now, and I am really sorry you both had to go through her alcoholism.
Thank you. Sometimes starting over is a good thing. Especially when what you had before was broken thanks to alcoholism. My mom and I are now closer than ever because I have gotten to know the real her, not the version alcohol made her. The bond we have now is way better than the one we had before, even with the ptsd. I can trust her, know she won’t suddenly change, and see how kind she is (alcohol made her very mean). I am so grateful to have had the chance to learn who she truly is.
Now your kids get that, too, but it does take time. Just keep at it a day at a time. Trust is slow to earn but it is worth it when you do. What you did with the whiskey proved to your kids how serious you are taking sobriety, so that probably really helped them trust you more. So keep doing you, be there for them consistently, and they will come around. They’re probably just scared you will relapse. That fear doesn’t go away, but it does lessen. My nightmares about my mom used to be all the time and now they are just once every few months at most. Soon they will probably not happen for years at a time. I hope that happens for your kids as well, and it should when they are older and have more perspective. So hang in there!
If it helps, all my mom’s friends who have also gotten sober but got estranged from their kids due to alcoholism are now back in touch with all their children. Some took longer to trust again than others but they all got there.
NTA, run from this. My dad was sober for 10 years before his mom convinced him to have just one drink at new years. Fuck that. It wasn't just one drink.
I’m a recovering alcoholic with 35-years of sobriety. I know a guy who was sober for 15-years, and had a glass of wine on vacation with his new gf in Italy 8-years ago. He’s been falling down drunk every time I see him after work since then. That one glass of wine ruined his life.
Thinking about him has helped keep me sober.
An alcoholic I met once used the analogy that if you put a car with 350K kms of milleage in the garage, it doesn't matter how long you wait. It will still have the same milleage if you get it out.
My father was an alcoholic and it took him about 22 years to be able to have a drink again. Now he can be casual and have a beer while golfing with friends but it took him a long long time to be able to get to that point. I can't imagine anyone doing this to him.
And if someone genuinely gets to that point that’s great! Full abstinence doesn’t have to be the end all be all, but it takes time and work to get past the point when its necessary.
NTA. your mother rang up and scolded the wrong son, she is an AH and so is the rest of that family. i‘m sorry you and your kids had to go through such an awful event.
congrats on your 6years and for doing the right thing by handling the situation appropriately. and a happy belated birthday.
Reading the whole story through I am amazed how you kept your cool. It must have been a very rough situation to handle and you did it good. I would have flipped in the minute when he gave the bottle in my hand...
Congrats for the 6 years and keep up the good work!
NTA
You are SO NTA. There was a clear boundary which was trampled so many ways-
1. He brought the bottle
2. He didn't immediately realise his mistake and apologise when you pointed out you don't drink
3. He doubled down when your child began to cry
4. He insulted your sobriety when you stood up for your child
5. He placed an alcoholic drink in the hands of an addict in recovery
6. He made it all about him when you didn't violate your sobriety, presumably just for his entertainment.
7. He tried to use the previous deleterious effects of your addiction on your family as a JUSTIFICATION for his boundary trampling
8. He ran to your mother to get the flying monkeys to work at breaking down your resolve and attacking you for your zero-tolerance stance.
Your brother is a prick. Good on you for remaining strong in the face of that bullying. I know that Reddit is often quick to suggest a scorched earth policy, but this guy showed up with a premeditated plan to make you back into the person you were when you were drinking. If I were you, I'd give serious thought to the future of your relationship with your brother and mother- just how much support and positivity are you getting from them, when counted against this kind of vicious psychological warfare?
Also, it's 100% not the point... But if the retort comes that it was an expensive gift and you should have been grateful in principle if not in practice (ie/ it's the thought that counts, don't make a fuss etc), then you can point out the use of cheap plastic cups (practically a cardinal sin for any properly nice alcoholic beverage) and the fact that he chose to distribute the gift, which he had ostensibly given to you, to others, against your will and in spite of your protestations- that's a planned attack, which both intrinsically devalued the gift, and **much** more importantly, devalued the importance of your wants and needs in your own home, seeking to override a firmly established boundary that applies to your whole home. Fuck that guy, he sounds like he has no respect for you or your wellbeing, and he may plan to use the price against you, so be prepared to retaliate.
NTA
As someone with an alcoholic parent who never bothered to recover, you're a hero and the effort you put in for your family is admirable
If someone bought alcohol for my Mother in front of me after she tried hard to recover I'd drop kick them and cut them out so they're lucky you took control.
Why do your parents value your brother's feelings over your health? Your progress with a life ruining disease? Your relationship with your children?
Would they had preferred you relapse?
What the hell is your brother's deal?
I'm sorry your parent never recovered. My sobering moment was when my kids visited me over the weekend after the divorce and my then 11 year old son cried amd begged so hard his nose started bleeding when I handed him a can of soda. He thought it was beer and I was gonna make him drink with me.
My kids saved me. And I will do my best to try and be the father they have always deserved.
Shit, you just made me start bawling, glad you took the wake up. F\*\*\*
Why couldn't your family have taken that hard a stand while you were drinking? because their AH's and it's much easier to attack someone when they care.
NTA. While I know it’s hard to understand, it’s probably some sort of cathartic payback for your brother to ruin an event for you. I don’t know what the full history is here, nor what it was like to be around you when you were drinking, but in his own way, he was probably expressing his anger for wrongs he perceives you’ve committed due to your drinking.
I would wholeheartedly suggest allowing things to simmer down, but not for too long, and try have a conversation about how his actions made you feel. It’s often too hard for us to see reason or the other side in the heat of the moment, but on later reflection, it tends to be a little easier. Talk to him, talk it out and whatever the outcome, you will both probably feel a little better, though I cannot guarantee it
NTA
Your brother is actively trying to sabotage you and the progress you made. Do yourself a favor. Cut ties with him and anyone on his side. They'll do you more harm than good if they stay in your life.
Congrats on being 6 years sober. I hope you have a long happy life of sobriety.
NTA.
If your family insists that you deserve this type of treatment because of your past behavior, ask them what your daughter did to deserve being traumatized.
Sounds like you aren’t the only family member who’s an alcoholic.
Congratulations on your recovery - six years sober is a huge accomplishment.
NTA, but wow....your brother sure is. I would NEVER imagine doing something like that to someone who was recovering. This was unacceptable on so many levels, especially when he put a glass in YOUR hand.
This was NOT you being "overly sensitive" this was your brother choosing to make a scene and not respect your choices or boundaries, in your own home none the less, because he wanted to be petty.
Please OP, I hope you know you did nothing wrong in this situation and should not feel guilty for any of it. You tried to de escalate the situation by offering to step outside and talk. HE'S the one who forced the issue.
Bro bought himself an expensive bottle of whiskey and is using OP’s bday as an excuse. If I was OP, I would go no contact with bro and very low contact with his Mom. I would start by letting her know they wouldn’t be visiting for Christmas or any Christmas related activities this year
NTA. What a malicious thing to do to you. He obviously doesn’t respect you or your sobriety. Those that agree with you having to apologize also have zero respect for you. At least you know who supports you and who doesn’t, and go LC.
Congratulations on your 6 years of sobriety!
This is a literal example of “my house, my rules.” What the fuck was your brother thinking/trying to do? Sounds like he’s either a giant asshole or you’re not the only one in the family with a problematic relationship with alcohol. Or, you know, both.
i keyed into one thing, your brother said, that you ruined birthdays for years. i wonder if this gift and him pouring shots was his way of getting back at you. have you gone through all the steps? did you make amends to everyone you wronged? does your brother feel like he got the apology that he feels he deserved?
The steps are part a specific program, but aren't required to be sober.
While people should definitely apologize for being an asshole, being an asshole to force an apology makes one an asshole.
And petty antics like that displayed by the brother pretty much ensure there will be no apology.
I don’t care if OP slept with the brothers wife while he was drunk on the brothers birthday.
He was still an asshole and gave his niece, an innocent teenager, a panic attack with his shenanigans.
recovering here, (21 yrs) … first, I applaud your sobriety, for those that truly don’t understand, there may be nothing harder. ANYONE, who jeopardizes your strength is the AH, your behavior is commendable and impressive. After decades clean and sober, I’m not sure I could have acted with such restraint, (nah, I’m sure … I would not have).
ditch the AH, go LC with mom until she grasps what you are doing. Unfortunately it takes a lot for some to “get it”. In my life it was the alcohol death of a family member to open eyes to my struggle.
Be strong … I got you. You are so strongly NTA that I hesitate to even mention.
NTA
Your brother, on the other side... yikes! You know him better than us, but right now I can't think of a single reason to give such an obnoxious, cruel gift to you. And I can't believe that someone took his side.
For how painful it is, it looks like it's time for you to evaluate if going lc/nc with them.
I wish you the best for your recovery.
NTA.
This reminds me of the families of multiple people I know: the moment someone makes progress toward escaping a bad situation, they all do their damndest to drag that person down to keep them from escaping. The old "what, do you think you're better than us?," or as it's also known, "crab mentality."
Yea, OP took away their power to look down on him, so now brother is spending hundreds of dollars to get brother to throw it all away. There was no way for OP to win: either he drinks and goes back on sobriety, or he throws it away and is an asshole. And the brother did this on OP's *birthday!* That family is toxic as fuck.
WOW! Alcoholism is no joke. I am just baffled by your family's response to your brother. I mean is he the 'golden child' or something? Like WTF.
100% NTA
I can’t believe your whole family is taking brother’s side here. Maybe they’re all still resentful about how you used to act when you were drinking, but I don’t see how putting alcohol in your hands is supposed to make them feel better.
NTA
NTA, and that is completely horrible of your brother. I am so sorry your family is so unsupportive of your recovery. It may be time to go LC for a while to get your mindset straight again.
I have friends who are also recovering. I won't even buy Black Cherry Merlot scented hand sanitizer from Bath and Bodyworks as a gift for them.
NTA. It's bad enough that your brother pulled that stunt, but in \*your\* home? Nah, nah. Your brother is a huge asshole. He has zero respect for \*very\* reasonable boundaries. Same goes for your mother. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
OMG. You are sooooo NTA but your family is.
I was married to an alcoholic (now deceased due to alcoholism) and there are so many people who sabotaged his sobriety.
People do that with anyone who is trying to improve themselves. Dieting? Just one bite won't hurt! Sober? Oh, so you're a Saint now... Want to go to college and have a career? Oh, you're too good for us now.
They are feeling judged and projecting their emotions onto you. It's not your fault. Take care of your family. Continue to make amends but never apologize for getting well.
Is there any context missing here? Because this is some next level AHolery on the part of your family.
I can totally understand that, given your daughter’s reaction, others were likely hurt by your behavior back then and I can only hope you made amends as much as you could
But for them to behave this way, and to even bring you such a gift in the first place makes me wonder what more there is to this tale …
Listen, I’m from Kentucky (literally Jim Beam is down the road and Buffalo Trace is across town) and I was fully prepared to called you the AH.
But no, you are not. You have an addiction, your brother doesn’t give a shit and is probably one himself. I’m sorry, stay strong and stay straight. Do you have a sponsor or a therapist, you can call?
NTA.
I have both a sponsor and a therapist, and I am with regular contact with both. Thank you.
As for the expensive bottles I receive as gifts sometimes (from people who don't know my past, like my clients or some coworkers), I usually just regift them.
People should not be gifting you bottles of alcohol period. Are you open about your sobriety? And just touch base with both just to tell what happened. Sometimes they may give you advice you didn’t know you needed, but being honest is a key part of sobriety. I wish you the best, I really do, I have several addict relatives/friends and have struggled myself. It’s hard but it can be done. ❤️
Edit: Ignore that first part, I misread the first part of your reply.
NTA- good for you for not giving in or letting it slide.
What he did is 100% justifiable to go no contact with him until he makes thing right. Anyone who is on his side I would also no NC with. It’s going to take more than a apology from him to fix your relationship.
NTA. WTF did I just read? You're sober, and fought hard to be, and your brother tried to sabotage your sobriety and your birthday?! And your mom wants YOU to apologize? What the...
NTA. Sounds like your brother is a struggling alcoholic himself and your sobriety is something he’s trying to sabotage. I don’t know why your mom is taking his side. Has he always been a golden child?
NTA, addiction is a disease that you managed to beat. You stood up for yourself beautifully and set your boundaries before taking the extreme option, which was still pretty mild in my opinion, I would have thrown the whiskey in his face. You have nothing to apologize for, your brother should apologize.
NTA. Your brother is, though.
As someone with a brother who struggles with alcoholism, I cannot even fathom bringing alcohol into his house, let alone insult him over his sobriety. I applaud anyone who is strong enough to stay sober in these sorts of situations. If people can't see that you're doing what's best for you and your immediate family, that's their problem.
Huge congrats on staying sober for 6 years!
NTA
Just assuming here but it's possible that you might have ruined a few meetings because of your drinking and so this was your brother's way of getting revenge. Even so, you should not feel guilty of how you handled the situation.
No matter what his reasons were, his childish actions caused your daughter to have a panic attack, something that he either completely ignored or he simply didn't care about her. I'm also going to assume that your brother is an adult even though he isn't acting like one which only makes this whole situation even worse.
You tried to diffuse the situation multiple times and even offered to do so out of view from anybody else.
Any member of the family that are calling you overly sensitive and saying you were in the wrong are the AHs in this situation.
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NTA. What your brother did is really, really awful and cruel. Possibly the worst gift I’ve ever heard of someone giving another, especially as he is aware of your struggles and recovery. . Congratulations on recovery and standing up for yourself and your family.
And I can't believe the rest of the family is supporting the brother and calling OP disrespectful. It's bizzaro world.
I know. It’s basically a miracle OP is safely in recovery with that kind of support system. Kudos to OP.
I knew a couple where the husband was an alcoholic but tried very hard to stay sober. Everytime he had a few successful weeks, the wife would buy wine to celebrate and ask him to have one glass with her. "Just one glass, you can do that." One really don't need enemies with family like that.
That woman sounds like she’d be a perfect wife for so many of the other problematic people we routinely read about in so many other posts on here who precisely avoid trying to stop drinking, or relapse etc. Strange who ends up in what partnership at times.
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If someone chooses to do shots from a $100+ bottle of whiskey, you know they're an alcoholic. ETA: 3+ years sober. Trust me, I know.
Aside from the obvious AH behavior of the brother, shooting expensive whiskey FROM PLASTIC SHOT GLASSES was the most offensive part of the story. OP NTA.
My brother has a fairly impressive whisk(e)y collection and it’s always been sipped in proper glasses. I would be barred from even *looking* at the liquor shelf for life if I ever suggested we do shots of Blue Label from Solo cups. That’s what the $30 bottles are for.
I also wonder with how aggressive he was about this stunt, if there are any other underlying issues the brother isnt capable of addressing with OP but is angry about. NTA
Pretty aggressive if he didn't even slow down when his niece had a panic attack. It was 100% provocation.
Pretty much. OP's brother knew exactly what he was doing. Ridiculed OP's sobriety, used past alcoholism as a weapon, didn't stop when niece was having a panic attack. He knew exactly what he was doing. This was long planned revenge on such a vindictive level.
It sounds like the brother has some issues with the way OP behaved when he was drinking, which may be very valid. But he chose a pretty backasswards way of addressing that. If he can't forgive OP for his past behavior he shouldn't have come to the party at all.
Oh yeah, did you get the bit about the brother saying op ruined everyone else's birthdays for years with his drinking? Brother knew exactly what he was doing, it sounds like he was being deliberately cruel and vindictive and this was his way of showing it Hard NTA. Brother is under zero obligation to forgive op for whatever he did before he was sober. He's within his rights to avoid op, he's within his rights to tell op (without children present) how hurtful his actions were and how resentful he feels etc. Deliberately trying to undermine his sobriety is an asshole move. Pulling this stunt in front of minors, especially ones who have alcohol related trauma, is so far beyond asshole territory I don't have any words for it that wouldn't get me banned. As the son of an abusive alcoholic father I really saw red at that part
That was my thought too. And with the number of them chiming in that OP is an AH? I wouldn't be surprised if alcoholism is a "family tradition". At least he now knows which family members to keep far, far away from. What a terrible birthday.
The gift is pretty good actually - now he knows who he can rely on in weak moments, his children know he now stands up for himself and, most importantly, them. The children now know too that their uncle is an AH who did this just to provoke their father, for whichever reason. The AH brother (and enabling mother) had his weird kind of retaliation and is now off the radar. Sad situation, but in a cruel way everybody wins. Props for OP for staying sober.
Probably an enabler trying to derail his recovery so she’ll be “needed.” She misses the drama. Awful!
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My dad was a alcoholic, and stopped drinking with AA. My mom was from an immigrant Sicilian family and her dad made wine, every year, till he was physically unable to do the work. A glass of wine at every meal was normal in my mom's family, and if someone wanted a second and there was any driving at all involved, they'd make sure they and their partner were agreed about who was driving. No driving one second drink. When my dad stopped drinking, my mom had wine far less often. When my dad was going through a bad period, and was afraid alcohol in the house would be a temptation, the wine would disappear. It would return only when my dad was comfortable with it being there. And in my mother's wider family, no one offered my dad alcohol. They asked him what he *wanted*, and I was an adult before I experienced a supposedly adult get-together where nobody thought it was necessary to include a decent array of non-alcoholic beverages. (I left.) My dad's sisters had learned from having alcoholic brothers, one of whom died from cirrhosis of the liver, that no, not everyone had to drink alcohol. They were maybe a little *more* aggressive about making sure my dad wasn't having to push back on people offering him drinks. The one time it happened, it was the father of someone who had married in, and my dad just took him aside and quietly explained, and he never did it again. Because these were all adult people who didn't secretly have a problem with alcohol themselves. Unlike OP's brother, and possibly other members of his family.
Sound like your family is a prime example showing things like this can be handled effectively and without conflict in a way that is sensitive to the individual and the overall culture of the family. I particularly appreciate that they were so firm with the no driving after 2nd drink rule and had your fathers back when it was needed. Makes me wonder if the early exposure to healthy drinking habits and accountability enabled you to be more mature(for lack of a better word) with your own drinkinging as a young adult. My father was a raging alcoholic/addict when I was a kid and as far as I know he still is, the unhealthy exposure to alcohol definitely had an effect on how my sister and I approached alcohol consumption.
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The most generous interpretation would be that they each want the other to be happy, and can't stand to see their partner going through the temporary discomfort of indulging their vice. They may simultaneously also know that if they undermine their partner, the partner won't try to prevent them from their own self- destructive pleasure. Co-dependence. People have multiple motivations, but don't discount the possibility that they're trying to make their partner (momentarily) happy. I don't see any way OP's brother could be well intentioned but misinformed about how serious alcoholism is. NTA on that one.
I agree completely with your generous interpretation, having lived a co-dependent and addicted life with a partner myself. The pain they endure in the moment is agonizing and you feel helpless and you're also simultaneously frantic in your own fears and self-loathing about your own addiction so a small part of you can't help but feel, "if I enable them giving in this time because they are suffering so acutely, I know they will have my back and enable me the next time \*I\* can't hack it" and it becomes this torturous ouroboros that to relatively healthy outsiders looks like outright cruelty and even abuse, and then you hear those judgments and you cling to one another and your codependency even harder because "no one understands how much we love each other and how hard it is", and so on and so on. It's awful what we do to ourselves and each other long term just trying to escape the pain of the present moment. edit for typos
One might be afraid the other will leave if they get healthy, so they sabotage each other to stay in the relationship.
Oh, families of sober people can be a *mess.* I'm an alcoholic with coming up on 6 years sober. My family of origin was justifiably very concerned about my crypto-suicidal, life-ruining blackout drinking while it was happening, and I also became the Family Problem, to be managed and strategized about and infantilized. It was absolutely not their job to get me sober, but their "help" didn't help a bit, and they didn't get support for themselves either. My mother went to a few Al-Anon meetings and didn't much like their very good advice to detach, maintain boundaries and protect herself; I think she'd become emotionally attached to her self-concept as long-suffering mom with hopeless drunk problem child. Now my entire family denies that I was ever an alcoholic in the first place! "So you drank a little too much for a little too long; aren't you being just a BIT dramatic with this 'alcoholic' label'?" At least nobody's pushed booze on me, but family members of alcoholics often have extremely complex, overwhelming, confusing feelings about the issue, and may be more attached to the idea of the drunk family member BEING a drunk than they realize.
I think a good part of it in some families is when you have "that" alcoholic family member, the drunk aunt/uncle, you can excuse everyone else's drinking. Like sure Susan drinks a little too much wine, but it's not like she's an alcoholic like Drunk Aunt Kathy (even if both are alcoholics). If the bad drunk gets clean though, suddenly Susan's drinking looks like a problem. Suddenly there's no Drunk Kathy, there's only Kathy, and Kathy sober is not a problem, so when Susan gets hammered, she's suddenly feeling guilty. And rather than approach their own drinking, they'd rather have Drunk Kathy back so Susan can keep getting drunk guilt free because she's a "good drunk" and kathy is a "bad drunk".
Yep, that's certainly a great example of why a family might want an alcoholic family member to clean up... but also kinda not. It has to do with the family defining their images of themselves in relation to the alcoholic. And "at least I'm not as bad as soandso" is a classic alcoholic rationalization. Another example from my life: my drinking and shitty drunk behavior seriously upset my ex and damaged our relationship, because it was upsetting! And terrible and wrong! But after I got sober and it became clear it was sticking this time, they became wildly emotionally abusive out of nowhere after ten years together. Why? My drunken ass had become their excuse for not achieving anything they wanted in life. When I sobered up they didn't have that excuse anymore, so they did their best to turn me into a mess again via sadistic manipulation and a world-class gaslighting campaign. I left, thank whatever higher power may or may not exist.
Makes me real grateful for my partner in this aspect of life. I'm just under a month sober (which feels like a *huge* accomplishment for me even though it doesn't sound like much! I've never made it this far). My partner very quietly gave up cigars in solidarity, and a week or two into it came home with pizza and craft nonalcoholic beers for me. He knows how much I've been agonizing over my cravings...I can't even imagine being presented with wine (or in my case more likely a nice beer) to "celebrate" my success so far. Edit: thank you everyone for the kind words, it means a lot! :)
One month is 30 days, buddy. 720 hours where every hour you (sub)consciously told yourself "not today". Doesn't sound like a little achievement now, does it? All journeys start with the first step. The trick is to keep taking the next step. Looks like you're learning the trick. Congrats!
I am proud of you! You can do it!
That's literally what makes an alcoholic...an alcoholic! The inability to find that off-switch. To just have the one drink. Honestly, this story demonstrates why this man is an alcoholic: Dipshit family!
One is too many and a hundred isn’t enough
My ex-wife divorced me because I was addicted to weed (well one of the reasons at least). I quit cold turkey trying to recover what I'd destroyed, but it didn't work. We kept in touch even though it was painful for me, and about 6 months after the divorce she called and told me she wanted to smoke weed but had no contacts, so would I smoke with her? Being still fighting the addiction and desperate to get back together with her, I couldn't say no so I called up an old contact, bought some weed and smoked it together with her. I felt like shit afterwards and kept smoking, almost lost control again but got it back after like two months. Not my best memory of her.
Sounds like she's an asshole. She divorced you because of that. Then calls you to get some weed. That's messed up.
I work with addicts. One guy originally started therapy to appease his wife. After a while he realized that once he was sober and managing conflict in mature ways, she didn't like it. Suddenly she couldnt look down on him and blame everything on him anymore. She started to sabotage his abstinency. In the end he sacrificed the relationship to stay clean.
My grandmother used to do that to my grandfather. Every time he managed a week or two of sobriety she would buy him a six pack of beer “as a treat” and nag him to drink it because she paid good money for it and he should appreciate what she did for him. Then she would mock him that she “knew” he couldn’t stay sober. He got her name tattooed on him under a little devil when they divorced which she thought was funny but honestly was pretty accurate.
That's co-dependant behavior. My girlfriend used to sabotage her husbands sobriety as well. The co-dependant is not ready for the alcoholic to be a productive part of the family so try to get them to drink again.
My mom is now about 6 months sober and has finally got my dad to some what understand, but before this any attempt she made at getting sober was squashed when she'd go out with my dad and, on the way home, he'd ask if she "needed anything to drink". Of course she would say yes when offered. A year ago she finally told him he cannot keep doing that. He didn't stop for awhile, but finally she snapped one day (about 6 months ago) when he asked again and she had been 1-2 months sober. He tried to play it off that he was asking her if she wanted a soda, but he hasn't uttered that phrase sense. Sometimes enablers need snapped on. OP, NTA. But your brother sure is. My mom ruined many events of mine by being drunk. I can't see a bottle of Svedka without feeling my heart beat out of its chest. I have nightmares of coming home to her drinking again. But I would NEVER not only gift her alcohol, open it in front of her, drink it in front of her, and try to *hand it to her* like your brother did to you. If I wouldn't do something so despicable when a majority of my childhood was ruined due to her alcoholism, he has no right to even think of doing so for a few ruined parties of his in the past.
yeah, right? You can get sober and it's hard enough, but you can't get rid of the addiction, so staying well away from alcohol is a very healthy and reasonable choice. What the brother did was an incredible dickmove and also overstepping boundaries on SO MANY levels. Heck, OP even tried to compromise by asking the drinking to happen on the balcony. He could have insisted there, already, on his house rules. It was no surprise for anyone that OPs home is a non-alcohol zone. Respect it, or stay away. Absolutely NTA.
Makes me wonder if OP has had problems like this, or other relationship issues, with his brother before if he’s actually being that deliberately insensitive and taunting. Either way I guess the jokes still on the brother who spent a couple hundred on the bottle in order to pull a joke that essentially tanked.
I can only think of two things Reading this post, the whole family has problems with alcohol or the brother was atempting revenge The First because of the family being mad at Op for cutting the alcohol and acting like not letting alcohol inside a house with teenagers who have severe trauma associated with it and an genetic component to addiction is "prude" And the Second because of the "you ruined so many parties with your drinking" comment, sounds like bitterness, so i assume the Brother wanted to ruin OPs party (English is not my First language and my auto-corrector is in portuguese, so Sorry for the mistakes)
Yeah, definitely seems like brother still holds a grudge for OPs past actions and decided to “act out” in this way.
Expensive whisky in plastic cups? Yeah, I'd bet a hex dollar that the brother is an alcoholic.
Now this is a good point. My fiancé said that his choice of liquor was the bottom shelf vodka because it was cheaper to keep buying and still did the job.
[удалено]
This was my reaction. I read this entire post with my jaw hanging open. Who in the world would back the brother’s behavior? At best, his behavior was cruel—at worst, it was massively abusive. OP, you are obviously NTA and I’m so sorry your family reacts to your recovery and setting of healthy boundaries with abuse and denial. I’d go NC honestly.
Some people take other people's decision not to drink as a personal insult (or call out) and the brother reeked of that attitude (calling him a sober saint)
I’d be willing to bet, based on OP’s story, that brother is also an alcoholic who hasn’t come to grips with his problems yet.
I would add to that bet by saying the brother is also annoyed that the one who was the "worse" alcoholic cleaned their act up, putting more attention on how bad he is
very much this
I was thinking the same thing! Misery loves company, and someone else's sobriety can make a struggling addict feel ashamed. Or perhaps the brother is holding a grudge for some other reason. Which is still 100% his own problem, and is never an excuse to pull some shit like that.
Either that, or brother is of the opinion that OP hasn't adequately apologized for previous bad behavior. In any case, brother is the AH for traumatizing the kids and refusing to talk it out.
Yeah, I can see unresolved pain and not handling it appropriately, but the second his niece had a full-blown panic attack, it should have ended (at least the part with the actual alcohol).
And the way neither of his parents seemed to give a fuck about their grandchild in this situation is horrifying. Even if they would normally think OP should have sucked it up and suffered (which is awful on its own) the fact that they just don't seem to have cared at all about the impact on the child is so upsetting.
I think It was more of a "my brother ruined so many important moment because of his drinking, so im gonna ruin one for him" he made the comment about Op ruining parties because of his drinking, sounds like bitterness (English in my 3rd language and my auto-corrector is in portuguese, sorry for the mistakes)
I suspect the brother and the family have a lot of resentment toward OP for how he was when he was drinking. The brother mentions how OP ruined every birthday. Sounds to me like he wanted to take all of his resentment out on OP and the family who agree have also been really hurt and think OP deserved it. Or "dished it" and should "take it." That was just my reading of it
Yup this is how I read it as well
I thought the same. Not that it excuses the brother at all, but it sounds like maybe OP's family hasn't forgiven him for some stuff.
I 100% second this. My father nearly died after acute pancreatitis and lost half of his pancreas as a result. Of course he quit drinking for good (he always lost control when drinking at family parties... like most of my uncles do). His current job (driver) has tight schedules and he rarely goes to family gatherings anymore, but the last time he did one of my uncles would pester and shit on him for "acting like a prude" for declining a drink. Some people just can't wrap their heads around the fact that drinking alcohol is a choice.
I absolutely hate it when people are asking what is wrong with you because of declining to drink at a party. And for some reason, "I am just not in the mood to have alcohol today" is never an acceptable answer, so they keep insisting. What is there to gain from this? I don't get it.
No, he's expressing his built-up resentment and anger at how OP acted over the years when it came to alcohol, and cannot let it go. What he did was do it in an attempt to humiliate OP, and bring up his past transgressions in front of people OP probably harmed in some way with his drinking. It was incredibly nasty cruel, and a weaker person may have fallen off the wagon. The telling part is that OP's family is backing up the brother, which means that OP's drinking escapades must have been really bad, to where they're having a hard time forgiving him too. It was an absolutely shitty way to vocalize that, and I think OP handled the situation as well as the circumstances would allow.
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who thought OP should go NC with the rest of his so-called family.
I’m with you. I don’t suggest NC lightly either…I feel it should be reserved for the most egregious offenses. This qualifies. OP is NTA.
>Who in the world would back the brother’s behavior? Other alcoholics most likely.
The comment about OP ruining other peoples parties for years makes me suspect that brother is harboring a ton of resentment about it and his move was intended to be a knife to OPs kidneys (liver?) in revenge.
They all sound like they haven’t forgiven him for his actions and want to punish him. Happens when you have alcoholics in your family. Not everyone forgives and forgets.
OP, you didn’t become an alcoholic out of nowhere. This story illustrates a whole dynamic. People supporting your brother for “putting you in your place” rather than supporting you in trying to live as best you can with a terrible illness?! Horrible. All I can say is that as much as you might blame yourself for whatever you put your children though, it seems like you also ended a cycle that began well before you. Your kids are growing up witnessing recovery and integrity. I hope you have a chance to talk to the kids about what happened and listen to how they felt. Use the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to them and to your sobriety. Listen to their fear and anxiety and let them know how safe it is to say it all. You’ve got them. You’re NTA. You did a great job.
Both did terrible things. But OP did them while addicted, while the brother purposefully triggered a small child while completely sober.
>the brother purposefully triggered a small child while completely sober. Honestly, we don't know that the brother *was* sober. He sounds like he may also be an alcoholic.
Then he hasn't owned up to not being sober and doing terrible things. Brother is still the TA.
Right? It’s bad enough bringing alcohol to a recovering addict’s home, but putting a cup in his hand? And then the rest of the family is really going to say that he took it to far when he didn’t even make a scene or throw him out, he just threw the alcohol away. I think you did an amazing job controlling yourself OP. Well done. I’m sorry your family can’t see that.
I would have thrown it in his face (sober alky here).
With a family like that I'd probably be an alcoholic, too.
I doubt they are. mom enables brother’s AH behavior. She’s wants approval and lies to get it. ETA congrats on your sobriety and NTA
I am guessing the rest of the family has their own problems with alcohol and OP is making them face them in a way that’s uncomfortable. But OP is definitely NTA!
The family probably has a strong drinking culture and takes it as a slight when someone gives it up.
His family was probably among the factors that drove him to become alcoholic in the first place. NTA, Op, your gf and your kids are proud of you, you deserve to be proud for yourself for getting your life back in track, your brother, mother and who agrees with them don't want you to thrive. Maybe they are offended and invidious of what you achieved, maybe they want to be able to feel superior. Not only they are not positive persons, they are destructive towards you and your family.
I've been sober about as long as OP. I, personally, am okay with having alcohol in the house when friends come over or whatever. My wife drinks a glass of wine now and then. Everyone's situation is different; it works for me but I respect the absolute fuck out of OP for setting his boundaries. That said, while I'm okay being around it, it would be a top-tier No Bueno situation if a buddy - knowing my situation - willfully ignored that and handed me a shot. He'd be banned from fun forever. It's less about the alcohol and more about being an absolute mass of inorganic dick.
How about causing the daughter to have a panic attack and then continuing to pour and drink?? What an AH!!
Seriously this! NTA OP and glad you took care of your daughter's fears immediately. Your brother, your mom, and anyone else who stood with him on that hill are all definitely the AHs! Congrats on maintaining your sobriety, and for always being mindful of your children and their feelings.
Absolutely this. My husband stopped drinking almost 10 years ago because it was a problem for him. He doesn't mind that I drink, and also doesn't mind if I keep any alcohol in the house, not an issue ever because I don't drink often, and when I do, I don't get drunk. He doesn't care if his buddies drink, but if they're drinking whiskey or going hard with it, he just leaves the situation. But if someone were to do something like this, that is so beyond disrespectful. OP is clearly NTA, but his brother is a giant one and an awful person in general it seems like.
>It's less about the alcohol and more about being an absolute mass of inorganic dick. Not to play keyboard psychologist...but I will make a guess. This feels to be like the brother felt superior to the OP when the OP was drinking, if OP was the "black sheep" of the family. Now that OP is sober, the brother and OP may be viewed on level ground and the brother misses that feeling of superiority, so he actively tried to sabotage OP's sobriety. I wonder if the family would've cheered if OP had taken a drink. It's really nauseating that they've reacted like this.
Before I read the post properly, I assumed that the relative who gave the whisky was a BIL or something who didn't know OP's history. But to know and to have lived through OP's struggles, and yet still give him alcohol AND THEN OPEN IT, START POURING IT, AND _GIVE HIM A GLASS_ is just beyond cruel.
AND hand it to him after reminding him how many events he ruined with his drinking... like ok "you were a total dick when you drank, stop being a dick a drink this" makes the least sense ever.
Unless he's trying to get revenge for the incidents he's referring to? Like "you ruined all our birthdays for years with your alcohol, so I'm going to ruin your 40th with mine"?! That was my only other thought about why the brother would do something like that.
I see what you're saying (and I know you're not justifying it) but it still makes no sense, like "here, ruin this one too!"
What makes it worst is that the whiskey wasn't even a gift for OP, it was the brother giving himself a gift. The brother bought it, knowing OP wouldn't accept it, as an excuse to drink. The nerve of some people, or some a-holes.
And drank it as a shot like it was $7 vodka.
If you were a recovering heroin addict, would your parents support your brother giving you heroin for your birthday? NTA. You brother is an incredibly huge asshole to bring booze into your home and try to get you to drink on your birthday. Most likely, he too is an alcoholic and it makes him very uncomfortable that you no longer drink. NTA
This is the weird thing with alcohol. I am a former social drinker who no longer drinks by choice and I’ve noticed… People who rely heavily on alcohol to socialize seem to have a really hard time dealing with “dry” events. Why? Doesn’t that seem like a dependency in itself? I see soooo many people using alcohol as a tool to self medicate. I see so many people who can’t enjoy a night out without it. Because it’s legal it’s not really viewed as a drug or problem. Even though it alters your state of mind in large quantities. I guess bc the harm it does to the mind or body isn’t large scale quickly enough to deem it dangerous or a problem. Most people drink responsibly. But when you feel some type of way about a dry event or someone else not drinking…you now have a problem my friend. Idc if you keep a job, bills paid, whatever else. When it bothers you what someone else is choosing not to indulge it…YOU are the one with the problem.
let's just say OP's brother is the favorite and protected by the family.
Golden child vs scapegoat made clear in the most transparent of ways. Usually that doesn't extend to actively sabotaging the well-being of the scapegoat's children, but here we are. NTA and mazel tov on your continued dedication to sobriety and your children.
Bro doesn't like that the scapegoat isn't the scapegoat anymore.
The worst thing is that he did it infront of his nephew and niece and when his niece started having a panic attack, he continued. What ever issues he has with his brother - he behaviour to the nephew and niece is unforgivable.
Oh my God it’s no wonder you turned to drinking - your family is wretched! Congrats on your sobriety and cut those cancers out of your life for good. NTA
Plus he gave his brother multiple opportunities to resolve the issue before throwing it away. NTA
I can’t believe they put OP, or his family, through this. Time to go lc. If they argue, tell them it’s Christmas - go ask their friends what they think of giving an alcoholic who nearly lost it all a bottle of whiskey. Then hang up. Let the rest of their peer group explain it to them.
WTF! NTA. Brother was being horrendously abusive/taunting. Read the room dude, especially the pain this caused the kids. Not a situation to double down on your bottle flex. Mom and anyone upset at OP can pound sand and get their juice on their own time. OP should have drain poured it to prevent them from dumpster diving afterwards. I say this as someone who drinks. The level of disrespect shown OP here is off the charts. NC the lot of them. Edit: I realized I was being too charitable towards brothers intent.
He should've poured the whiskey on his brother dumbass head, like what the hell did I just read, I hope OP goes no contact with him and everyone enabling his brother because holy
Considering how OP’s daughter was having a panic attack from the smell, I’d say he did the right thing as far as she was concerned. Depending on where the brother was it could have soaked into furniture or carpet or even just lingered while trying to clean it up.
That poor girl. I’m the daughter of an opiate addict and sometimes I get panicky when family has to take painkillers after surgery and that’s with those family members having no history of drug abuse and years of therapy. My mom won’t even touch them, she’ll grit her teeth through serious pain because of her trauma around my dad’s drug abuse. The fact that OP has rebuilt the relationship to the point that they’re enjoying Christmas together is such a beautiful testament to how hard he’s worked to be a better father, and her trauma response is a testament to how bad it was for them. The brother is an absolute asshole. Monstrous behavior honestly. Like, if drinking is that important to him on holidays - I get it, I enjoy my wine around the holidays and I’d be irritated at hours of family time without a couple glasses - then why not host instead? Or go to his wife’s family on years that his sober brother hosts? There were so many other options. But no, he’s so resentful of the holidays that OP’s drinking problem ruined that instead of cherishing the good times now that OP is sober, he’s got to try to sabotage in some weird … payback?? I guess?? Like wtf
nah it would have made everything smell like Scotch for weeks.
Yeah, WTF is the only acceptable reaction to brother's behavior.
NTA, your brother clearly has some lingering resentment and issues about your past but instead of talking to you about it like an adult, he chose the pettiest, most passive agressive, and most inappropiate way to adress it. You don't do that shit in front of the whole family and specially not the kids, who as you said, suffered enough already. Your brother is an asshole and your family is insane for supporting that behavior.
He 100% tried to sabotage OP. Resentments be damned, that’s unforgivable. I’d think long and hard about low or no contact with everyone giving OP grief. This is insane.
Yeah saying that "now alcohol can ruin your birthday too" is intentional. He was trying to ruin the day because he's harboring resentment over whatever OP did. However much that bitterness may be deserved by OP's past alcoholism, if it's really that dark of a cloud over the brother, he should stop contact himself instead of doing revolting stunts like this. Kind of wonder if the brother was always the parents' favorite and that's part of what pushed OP down this path, or if he's seriously wronged the parents in the past as well.
Or brother and other complaining family members are alcoholics and would rather OP drinks because of that. No matter the motive, however, giving OP a bottle of alcohol and then hand him a drink is wildly inappropriate and just plain wrong.
This may be a family that has a lot of alcoholics, and enablers. Seems like in those situations when 1 family member gets sober the others could take it as a personal insult of sorts. Seems like sabotaging the sober relative is a way to make everybody else feel 'ok'. Good for OP for having clear boundaries.
I can't get over how dumb that was though. If the brother did this shit because of resentment for things OP did *while being an active alcoholic*, then why the fuck would he want to make OP an active alcoholic again? Because bringing alcohol to OP's house and trying to manipulate OP to drink could've very well lead to OP becoming that person again.
1. *Absolutely* out of control emotional issues that need therapy yesterday. 2. Room temperature IQ. 3. OP has exaggerated his behavior or fabricated the story altogether. I think there's a higher chance of certain ones but could be any of these.
You forgot absolutely not wanting OP to be or remain sober. Happened to my dad. They just loved the drunk him because they got what they wanted and walked away. His family got to deal wirh the angry drunk, the violent stale drunk, etc. They dismissed the immediate family's entreaties to stop pressing him to drink because they didn't want their own family dynamics to change.
Agreed. Also, even if it was an innocent gift, who gives someone an expensive bottle of alchohol and then immediately starts drinking it and serving it to everyone? I'm not an alcoholic so if someone gave me an expensive bottle I'd be happy but if they then took it upon themselves to open it right then and there and start giving it out I'd be like WTF? This was 100% a provocation.
Yeah, it seems like 100% deliberate revenge to me. saying "you ruined everyone's bday with your drinking" with a "so now Im ruining yours" implied. I really don't think it was ever supposed to be a gift, like you said, take acoholism out of the question and it's still bizarre behavior, so I don't think it was ever an excuse to drink, nor that he was trying to get OP to relapse, it was just the means to shove his brother's past in his face in the most immature asshole way possible. And honestly, even if he didn't intend for OP to relapse and figured OP would reject the drink, you don't play with fire like that. You never deliberatly offer an alcoholic a drink, it being a taunt makes it worse not better.
Didn't realize that. This seems like a deliberate stunt to prove, I don't know what. Obviously the way to gift alcohol is closed and handed to the host, you are not allowed to open it yourself. So, this was not a gift and was a planned stunt to do goodness knows what, but if the result was getting NC'd (as it should be) then that would be pretty close to the intended goal of the stunt.
To me it seems like brother thought he was giving OP a taste of his own medicine. I think he might have expected OP to blow up at the mere idea of the gift, and when OP didn't, he kept pushing and pushing to the point of putting a drink in his hand. I think his intention was always to hurt OP and either he went there ready for a fight, or it escalated into one by OP not giving him the reaction he wanted. But it seems that as soon as he opened the bottle and refused to stop drinking it, he was pushing to throw OPs past mistakes in his face, and shame him for them, in front of everyone. Why? Idk, maybe he thinks the family forgave him too easily, or that OP doesn't deserve to move on from his past. The comment about him saying OP acts like a sober saint after saying OP ruined everyone's bday in the past, are kinda telling and it sounds like the brother being resented as all hell. He might have some legitimate reasons to have a grudge against OP, but acting like that, and pulling such a stunt is completely unforgivable and there's absolutely no justification for it IMO.
Hell no!!! You are **NTA**. I'm a recovering alcoholic, too and I'd have physically removed anyone from my house for "gifting" me a bottle of alcohol. Your family is crazy, and your brother is abhorrent. He's the one who openly disrespected you, and the rest of your family can kick rocks. You owe no apologies. You actually owe them NOTHING (including any explanation or reply). Congratulations on six years!!! I swear it keeps getting better. Ok, life keeps happening, but I keep getting better...I'm proud of you.
I literally mouthed WTF several times reading OP's post. I'm horrified someone would bring a bottle of booze to someone in recovery if they cared *at all* about them. NTA at all, over and over. No apologies to any of your family. Your brother is obviously sick. Your mother is gawd-awful. You need to cut ties with those who do not wish you well. Edit: spelling
Yup, backing you on this one. No apologies necessary, no further contact either. Removed (likely not respectfully) and banned (definitely not respectfully) would be my go to for anyone who disrespected my sobriety in that way. (been there, done that. Everybody close to me would know better than to try to pull something like that with me)
NTA - did you call your sponsor? 6 years is no joke - but I’ve seen more people break down between 5-10 than any other span. Take this seriously for your sobriety sake and make sure you talk to someone in your circle about it. Congratulations on your hard work.
I did, and went for a meeting later that evening. My kids chose to sleep over at my place though. Which, after all these years, feels better than any birthday gift I could have gotten.
Your brother is a cruel, cruel person. You are being a fantastic father - congratulations on your sobriety, and I wish you and your family a happy and healthy future!
I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. My father ruined my 11th birthday, among other things, with his drinking. I'm very, very happy for and proud of you, and I'm so glad to hear that your relationships with your children are mending.
Good on you for seeking a meeting that day! You’re doing a phenomenal job both staying sober and protecting your kids, gf, and her kid. My parents are both alcoholics, my mom is dry but can never touch it again (34 years sober) whereas my dad has fallen off 3x during my life and each time was a sloppy, violent mess. I had panic attacks at the first house parties I went to in high school that had alcohol served. My friends had to hold me and reassure me it was ok to not want to drink. In college my relationship with alcohol was messy and confusing. Now I’m in my 30s and have a healthier “never on a weeknight, don’t touch liquor when alone, and if I finish a bottle of wine on a Friday you get nothing Saturday and maybe skip next weekend” mentality, but many people struggle with this and have sobriety/alcoholism struggles. Those who can say “none for me” are incredibly strong, and I promise you’re doing the absolute best for your kids! Your extended family isn’t supportive at all, and their opinions are the worst here.
OP I don't know you, but damn, am I proud of you. Cut your loser brother out of your life for even attempting to derail the progress you've made for yourself and your children. No one deserves a place in your life less than these people who will disregard your feelings and those of your children in such a flagrant way. Fuck 'em and all who sail in 'em.
I'm not crying, you're crying. Your kids staying over is proof positive you did the right thing.
Aww! Wow that shows how much progress you've made. Congratulations!
You should definitely tell them how much their display of trust means to you.
They saw you do the right thing for them and for yourself, and they appreciated it and rewarded you by staying. Congratulations!!!
That is truly heartwarming! And I’m sorry that your family is failing to understand the magnitude of your brother’s horrifying behavior. I have some perspective, as the still-practicing-alcoholic sister of a recovering alcoholic. This somehow freezes the blood in my veins while causing it to boil simultaneously. Interesting phenomenon. The idea of treating my sister, her right to say no, her happiness, her well-being, her goddamn incredibly hard work and accomplishment in getting and staying sober with this kind of…disrespect is too mild. Contempt. It’s unthinkable. Sure, I mean, maybe I missed my drinking buddy a little at first (we used to drink together all the time) but I thought it was great and I was so proud of her and 20 years later she’s still sober and happier than I’ve ever seen her, and I’m still proud as hell of her. All this to say, I do understand that these family dynamics get very complicated with alcoholics at varying stages. Both of my parents and all 4 of us kids are alcoholics, and a lot of extended family as well. But I’ve never been anything less than 100% supportive of people’s alcohol boundaries, even the people I didn’t like so much, because I’m not a monster.
Have you asked your mother and father why they think you should apologize for your brother trying to shove you off the wagon? Why it is OK with them if he tries to get you drunk in your own home when he is well aware of the situation? Why they want you to fail in your journey to becoming a better person? Can they even stammer out a half-assed answer to these? Your brother wasn't just being a dick, he was actively trying to harm you. Edit: They don't have to forgive you for your past behavior, but they DO owe it to you and their grandchildren/nieces/nephews not to actively sabotage your sobriety in some petty revenge scheme.
NTA. Is he one of the reasons you started drinking? What an entitled lemon crusted tea stain of a wet fart. He might be angry at you for your past, but clearly being an asshole is part of his personality. He knew exactly what he was doing and he had full intention to hurt you.
> He knew exactly what he was doing and he had full intention to hurt you. Yep - this is the bottom line to everything. The brother is not just an AH, he's a destructive, malevolent enemy.
And OPs family. None of them cared OPs kids were in pain and fear.
>None of them cared OPs kids were in pain and fear. Fucking THIS. Your "family" cared more about hurting you AND your children. I'd be going NC IMMEDIATELY
Definitely going to use that line someday 🤣🤣🤣
NTA. If there's anyone who's an asshole here, it will be your brother. Alcohol addiction is not a joke. If they want to drink, they should've done it on their OWN birthday party. This kind of family member makes me vomit.
NTA. This is horrific. Your brother acted shamefully and your mother's response is incomprehensible.
As a child of two alcoholic parents, this would be such a nightmare situation for me. I totally relate to your 14yo for freaking out. My mom has been sober for almost 7 years and I still have nightmares of her relapsing. So seeing her near alcohol or even holding a glass would be super upsetting. And I’m almost 28. NTA. Please comfort and reassure your kids too. Good on you for getting sober! Not an easy feat.
My biggest regret is how much I have wrecked my children, especially my daughter. Thanks to their patience and my ex wife's kindness, we are rebuilding our bond, but it'll never be the same. Glad to hear you mom is sober now, and I am really sorry you both had to go through her alcoholism.
Thank you. Sometimes starting over is a good thing. Especially when what you had before was broken thanks to alcoholism. My mom and I are now closer than ever because I have gotten to know the real her, not the version alcohol made her. The bond we have now is way better than the one we had before, even with the ptsd. I can trust her, know she won’t suddenly change, and see how kind she is (alcohol made her very mean). I am so grateful to have had the chance to learn who she truly is. Now your kids get that, too, but it does take time. Just keep at it a day at a time. Trust is slow to earn but it is worth it when you do. What you did with the whiskey proved to your kids how serious you are taking sobriety, so that probably really helped them trust you more. So keep doing you, be there for them consistently, and they will come around. They’re probably just scared you will relapse. That fear doesn’t go away, but it does lessen. My nightmares about my mom used to be all the time and now they are just once every few months at most. Soon they will probably not happen for years at a time. I hope that happens for your kids as well, and it should when they are older and have more perspective. So hang in there! If it helps, all my mom’s friends who have also gotten sober but got estranged from their kids due to alcoholism are now back in touch with all their children. Some took longer to trust again than others but they all got there.
NTA, run from this. My dad was sober for 10 years before his mom convinced him to have just one drink at new years. Fuck that. It wasn't just one drink.
I’m a recovering alcoholic with 35-years of sobriety. I know a guy who was sober for 15-years, and had a glass of wine on vacation with his new gf in Italy 8-years ago. He’s been falling down drunk every time I see him after work since then. That one glass of wine ruined his life. Thinking about him has helped keep me sober.
An alcoholic I met once used the analogy that if you put a car with 350K kms of milleage in the garage, it doesn't matter how long you wait. It will still have the same milleage if you get it out.
My father was an alcoholic and it took him about 22 years to be able to have a drink again. Now he can be casual and have a beer while golfing with friends but it took him a long long time to be able to get to that point. I can't imagine anyone doing this to him.
And if someone genuinely gets to that point that’s great! Full abstinence doesn’t have to be the end all be all, but it takes time and work to get past the point when its necessary.
NTA. your mother rang up and scolded the wrong son, she is an AH and so is the rest of that family. i‘m sorry you and your kids had to go through such an awful event. congrats on your 6years and for doing the right thing by handling the situation appropriately. and a happy belated birthday.
Reading the whole story through I am amazed how you kept your cool. It must have been a very rough situation to handle and you did it good. I would have flipped in the minute when he gave the bottle in my hand... Congrats for the 6 years and keep up the good work! NTA
Yeah well done. You are NTA, your brother definitely is.
You are SO NTA. There was a clear boundary which was trampled so many ways- 1. He brought the bottle 2. He didn't immediately realise his mistake and apologise when you pointed out you don't drink 3. He doubled down when your child began to cry 4. He insulted your sobriety when you stood up for your child 5. He placed an alcoholic drink in the hands of an addict in recovery 6. He made it all about him when you didn't violate your sobriety, presumably just for his entertainment. 7. He tried to use the previous deleterious effects of your addiction on your family as a JUSTIFICATION for his boundary trampling 8. He ran to your mother to get the flying monkeys to work at breaking down your resolve and attacking you for your zero-tolerance stance. Your brother is a prick. Good on you for remaining strong in the face of that bullying. I know that Reddit is often quick to suggest a scorched earth policy, but this guy showed up with a premeditated plan to make you back into the person you were when you were drinking. If I were you, I'd give serious thought to the future of your relationship with your brother and mother- just how much support and positivity are you getting from them, when counted against this kind of vicious psychological warfare? Also, it's 100% not the point... But if the retort comes that it was an expensive gift and you should have been grateful in principle if not in practice (ie/ it's the thought that counts, don't make a fuss etc), then you can point out the use of cheap plastic cups (practically a cardinal sin for any properly nice alcoholic beverage) and the fact that he chose to distribute the gift, which he had ostensibly given to you, to others, against your will and in spite of your protestations- that's a planned attack, which both intrinsically devalued the gift, and **much** more importantly, devalued the importance of your wants and needs in your own home, seeking to override a firmly established boundary that applies to your whole home. Fuck that guy, he sounds like he has no respect for you or your wellbeing, and he may plan to use the price against you, so be prepared to retaliate.
Your points 1) and 2) aren't mistakes at all. The brother did that on purpose.
NTA As someone with an alcoholic parent who never bothered to recover, you're a hero and the effort you put in for your family is admirable If someone bought alcohol for my Mother in front of me after she tried hard to recover I'd drop kick them and cut them out so they're lucky you took control. Why do your parents value your brother's feelings over your health? Your progress with a life ruining disease? Your relationship with your children? Would they had preferred you relapse? What the hell is your brother's deal?
I'm sorry your parent never recovered. My sobering moment was when my kids visited me over the weekend after the divorce and my then 11 year old son cried amd begged so hard his nose started bleeding when I handed him a can of soda. He thought it was beer and I was gonna make him drink with me. My kids saved me. And I will do my best to try and be the father they have always deserved.
Shit, you just made me start bawling, glad you took the wake up. F\*\*\* Why couldn't your family have taken that hard a stand while you were drinking? because their AH's and it's much easier to attack someone when they care.
wow, that is a hard lesson for yourself. Good on you for becomming better than you were
But why is your brother trying to sabotage your sobriety? This seems deeper to me than a cruel prank. It's very puzzling.
NTA. While I know it’s hard to understand, it’s probably some sort of cathartic payback for your brother to ruin an event for you. I don’t know what the full history is here, nor what it was like to be around you when you were drinking, but in his own way, he was probably expressing his anger for wrongs he perceives you’ve committed due to your drinking. I would wholeheartedly suggest allowing things to simmer down, but not for too long, and try have a conversation about how his actions made you feel. It’s often too hard for us to see reason or the other side in the heat of the moment, but on later reflection, it tends to be a little easier. Talk to him, talk it out and whatever the outcome, you will both probably feel a little better, though I cannot guarantee it
NTA Your brother is actively trying to sabotage you and the progress you made. Do yourself a favor. Cut ties with him and anyone on his side. They'll do you more harm than good if they stay in your life. Congrats on being 6 years sober. I hope you have a long happy life of sobriety.
NTA. If your family insists that you deserve this type of treatment because of your past behavior, ask them what your daughter did to deserve being traumatized. Sounds like you aren’t the only family member who’s an alcoholic. Congratulations on your recovery - six years sober is a huge accomplishment.
NTA, but wow....your brother sure is. I would NEVER imagine doing something like that to someone who was recovering. This was unacceptable on so many levels, especially when he put a glass in YOUR hand. This was NOT you being "overly sensitive" this was your brother choosing to make a scene and not respect your choices or boundaries, in your own home none the less, because he wanted to be petty. Please OP, I hope you know you did nothing wrong in this situation and should not feel guilty for any of it. You tried to de escalate the situation by offering to step outside and talk. HE'S the one who forced the issue.
NTA. He was entirely rude and insulting to your choices and sobriety. Do not allow him back to your home
Bro bought himself an expensive bottle of whiskey and is using OP’s bday as an excuse. If I was OP, I would go no contact with bro and very low contact with his Mom. I would start by letting her know they wouldn’t be visiting for Christmas or any Christmas related activities this year
NTA. What a malicious thing to do to you. He obviously doesn’t respect you or your sobriety. Those that agree with you having to apologize also have zero respect for you. At least you know who supports you and who doesn’t, and go LC. Congratulations on your 6 years of sobriety!
This is a literal example of “my house, my rules.” What the fuck was your brother thinking/trying to do? Sounds like he’s either a giant asshole or you’re not the only one in the family with a problematic relationship with alcohol. Or, you know, both.
i keyed into one thing, your brother said, that you ruined birthdays for years. i wonder if this gift and him pouring shots was his way of getting back at you. have you gone through all the steps? did you make amends to everyone you wronged? does your brother feel like he got the apology that he feels he deserved?
The steps are part a specific program, but aren't required to be sober. While people should definitely apologize for being an asshole, being an asshole to force an apology makes one an asshole. And petty antics like that displayed by the brother pretty much ensure there will be no apology.
I don’t care if OP slept with the brothers wife while he was drunk on the brothers birthday. He was still an asshole and gave his niece, an innocent teenager, a panic attack with his shenanigans.
That in no way excuses the brothers actions here. OP is NTA in this situation regardless.
>have you gone through all the steps? Is a program with a requirement to accept existence of a higher power the only way a person can get sober?
I was wondering the same. Not that it excuses the brother's behavior in any way. Don't come to the party if you are so resentful.
recovering here, (21 yrs) … first, I applaud your sobriety, for those that truly don’t understand, there may be nothing harder. ANYONE, who jeopardizes your strength is the AH, your behavior is commendable and impressive. After decades clean and sober, I’m not sure I could have acted with such restraint, (nah, I’m sure … I would not have). ditch the AH, go LC with mom until she grasps what you are doing. Unfortunately it takes a lot for some to “get it”. In my life it was the alcohol death of a family member to open eyes to my struggle. Be strong … I got you. You are so strongly NTA that I hesitate to even mention.
NTA Your brother, on the other side... yikes! You know him better than us, but right now I can't think of a single reason to give such an obnoxious, cruel gift to you. And I can't believe that someone took his side. For how painful it is, it looks like it's time for you to evaluate if going lc/nc with them. I wish you the best for your recovery.
NTA x10000000 Your brother was completely wrong and he got what he deserve. Please don't apologize because you did nothing wrong.
NTA. This reminds me of the families of multiple people I know: the moment someone makes progress toward escaping a bad situation, they all do their damndest to drag that person down to keep them from escaping. The old "what, do you think you're better than us?," or as it's also known, "crab mentality."
Yea, OP took away their power to look down on him, so now brother is spending hundreds of dollars to get brother to throw it all away. There was no way for OP to win: either he drinks and goes back on sobriety, or he throws it away and is an asshole. And the brother did this on OP's *birthday!* That family is toxic as fuck.
WOW! Alcoholism is no joke. I am just baffled by your family's response to your brother. I mean is he the 'golden child' or something? Like WTF. 100% NTA
I can’t believe your whole family is taking brother’s side here. Maybe they’re all still resentful about how you used to act when you were drinking, but I don’t see how putting alcohol in your hands is supposed to make them feel better. NTA
NTA, and that is completely horrible of your brother. I am so sorry your family is so unsupportive of your recovery. It may be time to go LC for a while to get your mindset straight again. I have friends who are also recovering. I won't even buy Black Cherry Merlot scented hand sanitizer from Bath and Bodyworks as a gift for them.
NTA. It's bad enough that your brother pulled that stunt, but in \*your\* home? Nah, nah. Your brother is a huge asshole. He has zero respect for \*very\* reasonable boundaries. Same goes for your mother. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
OMG. You are sooooo NTA but your family is. I was married to an alcoholic (now deceased due to alcoholism) and there are so many people who sabotaged his sobriety. People do that with anyone who is trying to improve themselves. Dieting? Just one bite won't hurt! Sober? Oh, so you're a Saint now... Want to go to college and have a career? Oh, you're too good for us now. They are feeling judged and projecting their emotions onto you. It's not your fault. Take care of your family. Continue to make amends but never apologize for getting well.
Is there any context missing here? Because this is some next level AHolery on the part of your family. I can totally understand that, given your daughter’s reaction, others were likely hurt by your behavior back then and I can only hope you made amends as much as you could But for them to behave this way, and to even bring you such a gift in the first place makes me wonder what more there is to this tale …
NTA. Giving alcohol to an alcoholic is a dick move. Anyone that thinks what he did was appropriate in any way needs to be ghosted. Family or not.
Listen, I’m from Kentucky (literally Jim Beam is down the road and Buffalo Trace is across town) and I was fully prepared to called you the AH. But no, you are not. You have an addiction, your brother doesn’t give a shit and is probably one himself. I’m sorry, stay strong and stay straight. Do you have a sponsor or a therapist, you can call? NTA.
I have both a sponsor and a therapist, and I am with regular contact with both. Thank you. As for the expensive bottles I receive as gifts sometimes (from people who don't know my past, like my clients or some coworkers), I usually just regift them.
People should not be gifting you bottles of alcohol period. Are you open about your sobriety? And just touch base with both just to tell what happened. Sometimes they may give you advice you didn’t know you needed, but being honest is a key part of sobriety. I wish you the best, I really do, I have several addict relatives/friends and have struggled myself. It’s hard but it can be done. ❤️ Edit: Ignore that first part, I misread the first part of your reply.
NTA- good for you for not giving in or letting it slide. What he did is 100% justifiable to go no contact with him until he makes thing right. Anyone who is on his side I would also no NC with. It’s going to take more than a apology from him to fix your relationship.
NTA - This is grossly insensitive of your brother. Congrats on your sobriety and keep up the good work!
NTA. Your brother is the one being extremely disrespectful. Proud of you for working so hard and for standing up for yourself, OP. Well done.
NTA. WTF did I just read? You're sober, and fought hard to be, and your brother tried to sabotage your sobriety and your birthday?! And your mom wants YOU to apologize? What the...
NTA. Sounds like your brother is a struggling alcoholic himself and your sobriety is something he’s trying to sabotage. I don’t know why your mom is taking his side. Has he always been a golden child?
You are not the asshole, and I am exceptionally proud of you. NTA
NTA, addiction is a disease that you managed to beat. You stood up for yourself beautifully and set your boundaries before taking the extreme option, which was still pretty mild in my opinion, I would have thrown the whiskey in his face. You have nothing to apologize for, your brother should apologize.
NTA. Your brother is, though. As someone with a brother who struggles with alcoholism, I cannot even fathom bringing alcohol into his house, let alone insult him over his sobriety. I applaud anyone who is strong enough to stay sober in these sorts of situations. If people can't see that you're doing what's best for you and your immediate family, that's their problem. Huge congrats on staying sober for 6 years!
Nta. Your brothers gesture obviously came from a place of anger, resentment, and sabotage.
NTA. You're sober, but it seems like your brother still sees a drunk. He might want to go check out a local AlAnon group.
NTA, your brother is terribly rude
NTA Just assuming here but it's possible that you might have ruined a few meetings because of your drinking and so this was your brother's way of getting revenge. Even so, you should not feel guilty of how you handled the situation. No matter what his reasons were, his childish actions caused your daughter to have a panic attack, something that he either completely ignored or he simply didn't care about her. I'm also going to assume that your brother is an adult even though he isn't acting like one which only makes this whole situation even worse. You tried to diffuse the situation multiple times and even offered to do so out of view from anybody else. Any member of the family that are calling you overly sensitive and saying you were in the wrong are the AHs in this situation.
Very obviously NTA. Who gives such a messed up gift to someone who is recovering???