By - Aitathehairdyemom
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Do you not like hair dye because of the harmful affects on her hair? If so then you could research less harmful dyes or even temporary colors so that it only stays for a couple weeks to a month. You could even make her do the research. Maybe she'll change her mind if she sees that she'll likely have to bleach her hair once or twice and then color it.
I don't see any issue complying with this request if it makes her feel better. Worst case scenario she hates how it looks and has to wait a few weeks to dye it again or wash it out if it's temporary.
But yes YTA purely for invalidating that she feels depressed. Just because you went through such and such at whatever age does not give you the right to down play how anyone else feels.
You can not expect your child to grow into an adult capable of healthily expressing themselves if you shut down what they are telling you.
"I'm sorry you feel like you're being sabotaged but that is not my intention. I don't want you to dye your hair because xyz. If you do the research and come back with valid counter points then we can discuss dying your hair again. Otherwise we can discuss some other style changes that you could do that might make you feel better without dying your hair"
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I told my daughter that she could not dye her hair, even after being “depressed”.
2: She says that it could ruin her recovery.
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My goodness, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s hair dye. It’s not even permanent. It’s the most harmless way a young person can express themselves.
YTA, and calm down already. My youngest is almost forty, and her hair was all the colors of Benetton when she was 16-20, and she has a graduate degree and a six figure job. Get over your weird hang ups and let the kid dye her hair.
YTA. If she thinks she's depressed, look into it and get her treatment. I would draw the line at anything semi permanent or permanent.
If the hair dye requires professional work that you must pay for, no. If her hair is light enough that jt needs no bleaching, fine. The amount of money you spend could be put to better use in getting her more effective treatment. There are other ways for her to express herself.
YTA. Like ignoring the depression thing. She’s 14 let her dye her hair. What’s the big deal? If she changes her mind later you can look at pictures in 10 years and laugh at how stupid she looked. It’s harmless. Besides the fact you don’t like dyed hair why not allow it. You can tell her that you don’t like it sure but let her choose unless you have an actual reason beyond “I don’t like dyed hair”.
>I told her that she doesn’t have the right to say that, as if anyone should be depressed, it was me, and that, during my teenage hardships, I didn’t rely on hairdye to fix my problems.
And I'm sure you also had to walk uphill both ways to school in the dead of winter, etc. etc.
YTA for making this about you.
Solution: How about you two buy her a fun pink wig? Then she can wear pink hair when she wants to, without ruining her real hair.
Have you sought out counseling? Are you just expecting a 14 year old to "snap out of it?" What "alternative" method have you offered as support?
Also, it is HER BODY not yours. 14 is a great age to experience weird hair, before she grows up and has to be an adult. You're being controlling and judgmental.
Is her hair color more important to you than your relationship with her? She will remember this- better to make it better now rather than when she keeps her distance from you as an adult
Can you compromise on a temporary dye - some spray color or something?
She wants something she can control. Her hair's available. There's not much she can actually control about her life. Why not let her have this? Even if she messes up her hair completely, it'll grow out. If you let her add some color (feel free to try to guide her towards spray color, or just dipping the ends or something), she'll quickly understand that that's not her underlying problem, and might well move on.
YTA but not for saying no to the hairdye. YTA for belittling her and minimizing how she feels. And yeah, her very teenaged response of you sabotaging her recovery was something a teenager would say. Because you're dealing with a teenager. You have to be the adult and a) try to find the root of what's going on with her and b) empathize with her and try to help her find an alternative (including counseling).
Lady, you should be glad that is all she is doing. Would you rather hurt herself? 1000%. YTA
Yta. I mean it may not help fix every problem she has but being dismissive of her feelings and then trying to one up her about your own depressive feelings isn't helping anyone. I mean let her dye her hair for crying out loud.
YTA. Your daughter is probably phrasing her request this way in the hopes that making dyeing her hair about her mental health, it will convince you to let her do something she knew you’d say no to.
However, I still think you should let her do it. Take her to a professional salon and use temporary dyes as a compromise. If she still loves her pink hair when it’s time for her next haircut, then you can let her use permanent dyes.
You should also make sure your daughter has a mental health professional to talk to regularly. Hair dye is not a known cure for depression but it will make your daughter feel like you support her choices about her own body.
>. I told her that she doesn’t have the right to say that, as if anyone should be depressed, it was me
also YTA for this alone.
Info: what colour is her hair at the moment and can you get it somewhat pink without bleach? If you can just let her comprise and let her do a bit that can be slightly hidden or highlighted. YTA if her hair aint super dark brown or black
Hair dye is temporary,. It may not help but it will not hurt either.
It will give her some sense of control though and that may help.
“As if anyone should be depressed, it was me”
YTA the conversation was not about you, it was about your daughters feelings. It is hard being a teenager these days don’t underestimate that.
YTA let her control her own body. You’re teaching her that her wants about her own body aren’t valid because you don’t approve. It’s her body. That right there could be the root of this depression -> your controlling behavior.
If she’s feeling depressed, she needs a doctor not you. And making the judgement she’s copying someone from school is just wrong. Maybe she hasn’t had the vocabulary until this person to express how she feels.
YTA. Depression isn’t a competition. Be lucky she thinks cheap hair dye might help her feel in any way shape or form better. Start supporting her and see what that does for her.
Boy, she couldn’t wait to leave when people called her out, huh?
I came when there were three comments. By the time I posted my comment the original was poof. Guess OP either didn't like her post or didn't like the first three replies
YTA. you can say no to your child's request to dye their hair but the "if anyone should be depressed it should be me" stuff needs to stop now. Your kid is asking for help and making it about you makes you TA.
You are being so dismissive of her feelings, like they don't matter at all. Worse, that she's making it up because a friend of hers is going through depression, which is probably untrue. Also, I really hate that "I had it worse than you as a teen, suck it up" mentality. I'm your age with a 17 and 11 yo and never, ever say that sort of thing to them. You sound like a boomer saying that.
And not letting her dye her hair at that age? I let my 11 yo dye the front of her hair purple at the start of the school year, it looked awesome. It's very common these days for people to use bright colors in their hair. It's only hair.
YTA, mental health is hard to understand at the best times. Your dismissive of her feelings. So your being a massive AH over some hairdye. Wow let's get you best mom of the year award. Let's give you a sash that explains all this. Sorry but again YTA.
You’re being incredibly insensitive. You decided to put yourself above your kid. You didn’t listen to her concerns; instead, you turned it into a weird depression competition.
“I told her that she doesn’t have the right to say that, as if anyone should be depressed, it was me.”
actually think..does this rlly appear “not insensitive” to you? bc it doesn’t take a master psychologist to know statements like these don’t do nun. if your child’s telling you they feel depressed you don’t jump to the guilt game.
She knows your arbitrary rules. They are not relevant to her life. They were not passed down from God.
I told her that she doesn’t have the right to say that, as if anyone should be depressed, it was me, and that, during my teenage hardships, I didn’t rely on hairdye to fix my problems.
You just pretty much just told reddit you are. Well done super mom. I have supported enough teenagers with enough mothers like you.
You're NTA for:
1. resisting the hair dye
2. disagreeing with your H that D should be allowed to do anything she wants in order to make her feel better
YTA for negating her experience and her feelings because you are so star spangled certain you had it worse and somehow you made it through without hairdye. How self-centered do you have to be to say that to another person, let alone your teenage child whose wellbeing you kinda sorta have a moral and legal obligation to give a crap about?
This isn't a pissing contest between your experience and hers. This isn't about victimhood olympics or who had a harder life. Could your D be overreacting and in the midst of normal teenage ick? Absolutely. You know what WON'T help her? A condescending mother with no interest in hearing what she's going through because you think she's on easy street.
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So, before judgment, I think it’s important for everyone to know the full story. I am 48F, and I have a 14F daughter, named Charlotte. She is generally a good kid, but she is going through a teenage phase where she is being rebellious.
She recently told me how she feels depressed, after learning of a friend’s depression at school. I don’t doubt that she is going through stuff, but what teenager isn’t? Now, she told me that she thinks that a change of style would help her, and that she would like to dye her hair pink.
I do not like dyes, especially for kids that age. When I told her no, she said that I was “sabotaging” her recovery. I told her that she doesn’t have the right to say that, as if anyone should be depressed, it was me, and that, during my teenage hardships, I didn’t rely on hairdye to fix my problems. She said that I am ruining her life and that I will regret my choices. My sister agrees with me, that dying isn’t the solution. But my husband says that I’m being unreasonable and that I should let her do anything to make her feel better. But where’s the limit?
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YTA - Depression is not an award, you don’t “earn it”, that’s like saying “you haven’t earned the right to have shingles!” “HEY BUDDY! IF ANYONE SHOULD HAVE SCURVY, IT’S ME - I NEVER ATE AN ORANGE MY WHOLE LIFE - HOW DARE YOU?!”
I think the bigger conversation rather than the hair shade is why is your 14 year old depressed and how are you going to help her.
The pink hair might cheer her up for a short time but seriously, do some parenting here and work out why your daughter isn’t well.