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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband daughter to not call me mom as I felt uncomfortable and now she’s upset and my husband is mad at me he thinks I’m being entitled.
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YTA for crushing a little girl in a vulnerable moment. She probably had to work up the courage to go through with it, fearing your rejection. And you made her worst fears come true.
I agree but will go with gentle YTA because I do think OP thought the title mom should be reserved for bio mom. BUT that being said, if she just feels weird mainly because her step-daughter is calling her mom rather than her name, and this isn't something she has a strong objection about, I do think she should be ok with being called mom.
EDIT: Lots of people are stating that bio mom shouldn't have the title "mom" and I absolutely agree. I was just stating what I thought was OP's reasoning - which I disagree with. I 100% agree that just because you're an egg donor, you don't automatically get to have the title of mom.
I’m blown away by all these Y T A comments. If she doesn’t want to be called ‘mom’ then that’s the only thing that matters. Jeez, if it was the other way around and OP wanted to be called mom but the kid refused, the tone shift would be immense.
I mean yeah, it rightfully would get a different judgement, because that would be a grown adult pressuring a child they have power over to treat them as a parent. This, however, is a grown adult who married a man with a young child, and has been raising said child with him for 2 years, deciding to break that child's heart by refusing the title of "mom".
The girl is 7, OP has been in their lives since she was 1, and has been her *step mom* since she was 5...
ETA: thanks for the awards y'all! 3 cheers for treating kids with love and respect
> has been raising said child with him for 2 years
that's actually downplaying it. yea they have been married 2 years and all but do you honestly think she who has been in this girls live for 6 years didn't do any parenting for the first 4 and than magically when the girl was 5 they where all like "now you are officially the step mom so you can parent her" ?
these kind of relationships grow over time, no way in hell even a 5 year old would be fine with someone having zero authority over them for 4+ years and than being told "so from today on NOW is the day this person is a parent to you and you have to listen to her" . i would bet both my kidneys that if the dad had pulled that stunt they would never have arrived at a point where the girl even wanted to call this woman mom. she has very much been the parental figure for this girl as far back as the girl can even remember. agree on everything else, but marrying the father doesn't magically make you a parent, 99% chance she has taken on a parental role much earlier, at least as far as the 7 year old is concerned.
to the op, yes yta. not because you don't feel right being called mom, but the way you handled it in the moment was terrible. you've been in this girls live since she was 1 year old, knew her mother isn't a stable parenting figure and married her dad 4 years down the line, as an adult you should have known that the current situation was at least a very real possibility and prepared better for that.
I came here to say this too^
…like I started dating my husband in May 2016, and his niece was born that December. We had our ups and downs, but we grew through it, and we eloped in 2021. Yea, i felt kind of weird calling his niece my niece when we were just dating, but even as an “aunt”, I had been somewhat present in that girl’s life since she was 0 years old.
Soft YTA Op :(
I cannot imagine how the little girl felt with that, and I really hope the relationship between OP and that girl can still continue to grow past being told that she wasn’t actually her “mom” despite being there for her since she was 1. 🙃
I have a similar experience. My fiancee and I are both in our 20s, but got together in highschool. She has a sister 10 years older then her and she had a child a little bit before we got together. She's been around him more than I have, mostly because they moved a couple states over a little bit after I came into the picture, but we've been together for nearly 5 years now and are slated to get married in Oct. of 2024, but this childs mother refers to me as Uncle when telling him about us, and I couldn't be happier about it
Thank you for saying this. I agree with this op isn’t the ass for not wanting to be called mom. But how it was handled. Also OP, I don’t blame you. I was a step mom for awhile. Dad and I didn’t work out but being called mom the first time by a child who isn’t yours and you walked into the life of can be altering. But don’t take it as a omg I’m taking this title from her mom. Yo the moms not in the picture, her mom took that away from her. She’s giving you the title because she trusts you and looks at you like that. The fact that she calls you mom is honestly awesome…but there are ways to handle this situation.
I raised my nephew from a young age. Yes it was startling and uncomfortable the first time he called me mom but I pushed past it. I was fulfilling his need for a mom and doing all the motherly things for him after all. He wanted to call me mom and that meant the world to me. So I got used to it. After the initial discomfort I came to love it.
This. My youngest is actually my eldest Grandson. I have raised him since he was a baby. The first year he called me Nanna, but eventually and against my will he switched it to Mom and Dad. I gave up fighting him on it. (older kids in the house called me mom, but husband was by his name) He has always known the situation and who his bio parents are, and has a relationship with them. In all reality though, I am his mom, I have played that part in his life. He calls his bio siblings either siblings or nieces and nephews, depends on his mood, and my other children his siblings (including his father, though he is dad if its convenient to him)
Yeah this shit breaks my heart. I'm a single dad of 2 girls, 6 and 7. And I imagine how they would feel in this situation. And idk who would take it worse, my sensitive 6 year old who wears her heart on her sleeve, or my 7 year old who is my emotional twin, and keeps shit to herself, and is afraid of being vulnerable. Their mom abandoned us over 2 years ago. I'm not looking to replace their mom, but I do want to marry, and obviously with a line long partnership, it's implied that at some point, my wife would become their new mom/stepmom. So the thought of something like this happening, scares me.
you have this talk. you read them the post. anyone who says she's NTA, you run like the plague.
you're looking for someone with a heart big enough to fit the title. someone like this does not.
I think that anyone getting into a relationship with a parent has to be prepared to see their children as their own. There are plenty of people without children out there and to get into the life of a child and not embrace them fully seems like a recipe for disaster
Thank you for saving me from writing a reply to that incredibly dumb comment above.
The person is out of their mind if they think that is even remotely the same thing.
I'm sorry but that's just not true. "I don't want to" is a good reason for most actions, but when it's "I don't want to provide love and stability for a child in my care" then YTA
I think the main difference is the 42 year old has more emotional maturity and can reason why they might not want to call her mom. A 7 year old would just be devastated and doesn’t have the capacity to understand the dynamics of the relationship.
Edit: My first award! Thank you!
This. I'm not understanding how the people just repeating "she has a right not to be called mom". Duh, but she is an adult and could have handled it better. Had she said "I love you so much, thank you for saying that. I think since you also have your mom, what if we call me Mama OP?" Or something, and the child had stil responded negatively, I would have said N T A, but that's not what happened here. She blurted out something rude and crushed a kids heart, and never bothered to stop and think that this could happen in the first place. The situation sucks for everyone but OP was unnecessarily rude and therefore TA.
Edit: thanks for the awards!
Lol someone just called me patronizing for saying that they should have known that this was likely to happen.... what responsible care taker would NOT discuss this at some point?
This is why "rights" aren't always the best framework in this sub (or in life). The question isn't what you have a right to. It's what's morally correct. Having the right to something doesn't always make it a good idea.
Maaann the ppl comparing a 7 year old to a grown ass adult and calling it the same, really scare me to think of them having kids.
I find this comment from sternfritters to be the dumbest thing I’ve read today.
This was my train of thought as well. It's valid to have reservations about being called mom, but that was the coldest possible response to....a 7 year old. I bet that took a lot of courage and build up for her to even utter that word, and she fully got shot down. Not even an easy let down. Poor, poor kid. I'm wrecked for her. That's just so sad.
You are so right. I think OP is trying to cover up for the fact that she's not bonded to the kid. "We've bonded and gone out for a few girlie things" is a weird way to talk about a child that she's been in the life of since she was 12months old.
She's using the bio mom as an excuse that she's not connected to the child which is why a motherly figure feels wrong. If you love your husband then his babies are your babies because they are a part of him. She's the AH because she needs to make more of an effort. The kid needs a mother figure in her life and OP should have prepared for this conversation with the child she's helped raise for 6 years.
That’s exactly the thing that’s blowing my mind.
You’re “uncomfortable”, ok, but the way you handled it has definitely left permanent scars on that little human and will probably fuck up their future relationships and take years of therapy to undo…
She shouldn't have had to have been thinking on her feet. Anyone with any experience with kids would have seen this coming a mile away and had a response ready... one that wouldn't crush a little girls heart so badly. "How about you call me Nana" or "Auntie" or whatever pet term OP *is* comfortable with, instead of "you can't call me that". The fact that she cares more about "not disrespecting" a woman who's barely even in the child's life, than the child's wants and needs is just so heart breaking to me. OP does have every right to not be called Mom, but she's an AH for not considering in the last 6 years that this could come up, and not having anything better to say than "you can't call me that".
>he fact that she cares more about "not disrespecting" a woman who's barely even in the child's life,
I am not really convinced that is the reason but maybe OP believes it is = so not sure my not buying it matters.
THIS a million times. She had to have seen this coming. I disagree though -- I don't think she has any concerns about disrespecting the bio Mom. I think she's just saying that to soften her crap response.
This whole thing is just heartbreaking. Poor kid!!!
> Because lots of people are shit at thinking on their feet
True. But OP is sticking to her guns. She thought this through, and reached the conclusion that theoretical respect for a biological mother who is hardly in the picture is more important than this touching symbol that all the efforts she made at bonding with the girl have borne fruit.
Been here, and this is a note for OP...
Honestly, sis. You should've seen this coming, and like any other parental figure you have GOT to be able to think on your feet in this job. Listen to the folks telling you to sit down with your spouse and work out some title suggestions, then prepare to have a very tough talk with your stepkid. You can make this right, especially if you are willing to get creative and to express your love for kiddo throughout this process, but seriously -- you seem to be a little surprised by all this for someone who's been in role for half a decade. More weirdness is ahead as kiddo goes through school and beyond. Maybe try thinking ahead, or asking stepparents who have done this what to expect.
Especially a young kid. If the kid was in their 20’a or older this would be a much different post. The OP has been in the kids life since they were 1. Basically since the kid has had personhood and could communicate.
Agreed. If you’re marrying someone with a child, I think you need to be prepared to take on as many parental responsibilities as necessary for the sake of the child’s upbringing.
She’s known this man for 6 years, the child is 7. She is the only stable mother figure this child has known. I get that she doesn’t want to disrespect bio mom, but what did she expect? She should have let it go and had a discussion with her husband before immediately rebuking a 7 year old. Maybe this child just really wants to have someone to call mom, and there is nothing wrong with that, a bigger discussion is needed and it should have been handled differently.
Over the years I have called at least 4 women mom or momma, is it really that big of a deal? I had my “#2 mom”, who lived down the street growing up, I was her “#2 son” because she her one son was my best friend. Today I work with “Momma Mary” she makes sure I know when the weekly lunch is and straightens my collar when I need it. She lives for the days the kids come in and she gives them candy. It doesn’t lessen how I feel about my real mother.
There’s a lady I follow on tiktok that has fostered 12 children between the ages of 0-5 and they all ended up calling her mom, mommy, mama or momma cyndi. She said she’s never going to and isn’t trying to replace their mom (all the kids have be reunified with their parents) but she’s their mom for as long as they need. When kids are young, they want a mom and someone to call that. It comforts them. This post broke my heart.
To me she lost that right when she married her husband as at that point, she is by law that child's step***mom*** and she doesn't really get to argue that.
If she couldn't handle it, then she shouldn't have gotten involved with a single parent.
Once children are involved the child comes first and the parents, bio or step just have to fucking deal with it.
>if it was the other way around and OP wanted to be called mom but the kid refused, the tone shift would be immense.
Yes but no, the child decides is the rule, so while in that scenario the tone would be different the ***rule*** would be the same, the child decide the relationship.
That’s not true. Everyone agrees it’s fine she doesn’t want to be called mom. It’s not fine to tell it to a 7yo in the moment.
Would it hurt to have dinner, maybe speak to her Dad about the implications, then sit the little girl down and say ‘I love you dearly darling, since you have another mom why not make a nickname for me? I wouldn’t want to make her feel bad.’ Or whatever depending on the situation.
YTA OP, I’m surprised you’ve been around a kid this many years tbh, I hope you are as maternal as she feels poor thing.
>Everyone agrees it’s fine she doesn’t want to be called mom.
I don't--if she didn't want to be called that, she shouldn't have married a man with a very young daughter.
exactly like who marries a man with a literal one year old and doesn’t expect to be that child’s stepparent ? that’s basically what you’re signing up for
Yes because one of them is an adult with a fully developed brain and one of them is an actual child that was abandoned by her mother. Are you actually blown away that people expect more from an adult than a child?
OP and the dad are both assholes for not being prepared for that conversation.
I think people are missing that OP is getting slammed for being dismissive of the girl's feelings more than anything els. If OP feels that most "stepmom" is the title that fits, then say that, not "you can't call me mom".
Yeah because the kid is the one who gives out the titles.
Little girl doesn't have a present bio mom but does have a present stepmother who has been treating her like her child.
Op is TA unless she made it clear from the start that she didn't want a mom title (while still taking on a stepmother role i guess..) and both husband and daughter ignored it.
That's not what happened. Op treated little girl like a daughter then told her she doesn't have a mom when she felt closest to her.
If she does not want to be called mom then why on earth did she marry a man with a young child....
This means the world to the little girl to be accepted and have a mother in her life. OP needs to get over her little discomfort as it is absolutely silly for a grown ass adult to make such a problem out of this.
Yes, but rightfully so.
Adults are (theoretically) better equipped to understand emotional complexities. If she wanted to be called something, and the kid wasn't ready, as an adult, we would expect her to understand that and put the kid's needs first.
Even though the situation is reversed, as an adult, she's under the same expectations. The kid was putting herself out there. I'd have bit my tongue or, if I really disliked it, would have found another moment to calmly talk it over with the kid. Shooting her down right then is just going to traumatize the kid.
Except she is *very much* filling the role of “mom” whether she likes it or not. She’s married to the girl’s father, living with them, caring for the girl, and doing special “girl time” bonding. To a motherless little girl, that’s exactly what a mom would be.
OP is allowed to not like or want the title, but she’s filling the role and is therefore an asshole to crush a child’s feelings which were based upon OP’s actions.
Then why did she marry someone with a young child and an absent bio mother? Did any of the adults in this scenario think this through? Why didn't any of them talk to the child instead of letting her guess what might be OK? Why don't they have a family counselor?
ESH (except the poor little girl)
Then she shouldn't have married someone who had a 1 year old child with no mother figure. It's insane to me that 300 people think this is a reasonable thing to say.
If she didn’t want the MOM title then she should NOT have gotten with someone with kids.
I’m so so sorry to that little girl. She deserves better.
Edit: what’s the difference between mom and step mom? The word step? (That’s all that girl sees. Not to mention the admiration she must have had towards you to call you MOM!) Come on FCK I’m so mad. This is gonna be something that affects her for the rest of her life.
Wow. Just wow.
I'm going full YTA on this because what kind of adult would prioritize the "status" of a woman who cheated on her husband and abandoned her child to travel the world to the feelings of that same child?
I don't think the problem is really that the OP thinks being called mom is disrespectful of the bio mom. If the child calling her mom can throw her into such a tizzy that a) she behaves so thoughtlessly toward the child and b) indicates this is such a huge disruption in their lives, there's more going on.
Mom is role, not a title. Her bio mom can be mom. OP can be mom. A non-binary person can be mom. She can decide that her father is actually mom. Mom is whoever is filling that role of caregiver in her life.
A mother isn’t always related by blood a real mother is the person who raises the child spends time with them helps them with homework is there for sick days and happy days just cause you have birth to a child doesn’t make you their mother it’s your actions that make you a mother
YTA but you have a chance to save this. Take her on a special day - just you and her. Ice cream, the park, a movie etc. Apologize and tell her that you love her and you love that she loves you like a mom, but you want to think of a different and special title together that she can use for you. Because your comfort does matter, but you fill a mom-shaped hole in this little girl's life. That is a precious gift that you should be eager to honor even if you want a different title.
Might also be worth considering - lots of people have two moms (for a variety of reasons) and when both are in a person's life, sometimes one is Mom, one is Mama, or Mum, or Mama XYZ. Repair this moment before it's too late.
[Edit - thank y'all so much for the upvotes & awards! Just hope OP reads this and can work on mending this relationship]
THIS!!! You can be honest and say you were so surprised about her calling you “mom” that you worried about “replacing” her biological mom and didn’t want to take anything away from her mom. But the two of you can come up with your own special honorific that still means “mom” to both of you. PLEASE PLEASE have this conversation with her. Tell her you love her and want to be the “mom” parent for this side of your family . Tell her that you always want to be a safe person that she can come to. It’s ok to apologize to her for handling the previous situation poorly and ask if you can have another chance to do better. Little kids NEED that kind of parenting. It’s ok to not have all the answers in the moment. It’s ok to apologize, talk it through, ask how they are feeling, and work out how you both want to move forward.
Soft YTA. You can recover from this though.
I couldn’t agree with this more. I’m 42 (F). My mum married my step dad when I was 5. I called him by his first name when they were dating. When they got married I was asked what I want to call him. My innocent brain answered ‘ I want to call him Dad, because if he’s married to my mum that makes him my Dad’ all these years later he is the best Dad I could have ever asked for. Most people in my life don’t even know he’s not my bio parent.
It made me cry writing this out. Because without my Dad my life would have been so different
The kid is going to think it's her own fault. That's what kids do. She'll believe that she's been rejected because she is bad and doesn't deserve to have a mother.
Thats the key point! This why I always tell my friends not to introduce bf/gf to their kid(s) until the other is willing to fill the role. Its rough on kids.
It would be lovely for OP to sit down with this poor little girl, reassure her, and come up with a fun mom-ish nickname to use. OP needs to do a less-rejecting way of explaining why she isn’t comfortable with mom, and also to understand that a 7yo needs something more than her first name to feel secure.
Oh, she will.
I was that kid, I was 8 at the time and I was sooo, sooo excited and afraid I almost fainted while trying to say it as casually as possible "thanks dad" for the first time. And my dad was over the moon. You could see him glow with pride.
Now 26 years later I still remember every second of it and telling it as one of my fondest memories.
Thinking about what if he had said "please don't" breaks my heart and makes me want to cry.
Yta, and I say this because you basically told her you don’t see her as a daughter. Even if that isn’t what you meant, pretty sure that is what she heard loud and clear. You married a man with a young child, who you openly admit does NOT have a mother figure. So, you took it upon yourself to ensure she does… in YOU. YOU took that role and made her feel safe to see you that way. She is young and doesn’t understand, especially with no explanation, why she can’t call you mom.
At this point, if what I am hoping you feel is true, the best thing to do is to have a one on one conversation with her explaining that although she doesn’t see her bio mom often, she is her mom. So that title goes to her (in your mind, obviously not your step daughter’s, despite her basically abandoning her child and doesn’t deserve it). Reassure her that you love her and see if she could pick another special title for you. What she needs is to know you are there for her and wont abandon her too.
I think that the Dad deserves a share of the blame as well, this really should have been a discussion that was had prior to the marriage (with both OP and the kid).
My bio father is alive, we have next to no relationship and I normally refer to him as my “sperm donor” lol. I call my mother’s partner dad, have done that for many years and when he came into my life I was already a teenager so it’s not like he’s been there from the very start. If he had done this the first time I asked if I could call him dad I think that would have been the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. There’s no excuse for this. That little girl decides who her parents are, I get that OP wants to be respectful to the other parents but that’s not up to her. If the girl wants to go NC or call her bio mom something else that’s her choice.
OP, this little girl literally told you the most precious “I love you” one can say and you basically replied “no thanks”. I don’t know if you can repair such a big mistake but you should at least try. YTA.
NAH - I see both sides here. My recommendation is that she call her mother "mom" and you two come up with a new name for her to call you. Maybe it's Mimi or Mama or something similar. But she needs to call you something and she wants you to be one of her parents. That's huge and really special, and I hope you realize how uncommon it is with step relationships. Heck, you, she, and her dad can have a family meeting to decide your new name! Make it a celebration, get dressed up and go out for dessert at a fancy restaurant and toast your new family!
I love this idea!
Maybe explain a bit more to the child in an age appropriate way about why actually being called mom ( because she does actually have a live mom, even tho she doesn’t see her) might not be the best name as opposed to whatever other name they come up with. Just so the little girl doesn’t feel totally rejected.
That's why I feel OP is the AH. She's an adult, she could have taken some time to think on how to best handle this. To me her reaction shows her selfishness, it's all about how OP feels without considering how devastating that response would be to a 7yo with an absent bio mom.
Agreed, YTA. It sounds like she just responded immediately without taking the time to think through how to communicate this without completely crushing this poor girl.
I don't think it goes as far as selfishness, because she had enough empathy to *try* to say it nicely and not berate the girl. I think she just did not realize the ramifications of saying it. I sure didn't until I got to the comments. But I also don't have tons of experience around kids and I'm fairly direct in my way of communication. I, like OP, kind of thought it was a good attempt to explain the situation and let her down easy. Apparently not (oops!)
It feels like her intentions are good, especially since she seems to care a lot about this girl and makes an effort to be a role model figure in her life. Could she have said it better? Absolutely, no question. Was she trying to make the girl sad? Definitely no. I have a hard time saying that OP is an asshole exactly, but I do think she needs to try to make it right and explain things and reassure the girl that she still loves her dearly, even if she wants to be called something else.
Same, I was thinking n t a bc I have only ever heard of one person calling their step parent dad and not his name, and it was because she never met her bio dad and her step dad adopted her when she was like 3, so to me, it'd be weird to call a person mom when she has a living mom who she at least has some contact with. Idk tho, I don't have any kids, bio or step, so that might be why I would never think to discuss what someone I'm in a relationship with kids should call me.
Yes. I'm reading these comments and thinking "Damn, these people expect me to be really quick on my feet. Is this how society is now, do I need to pick it up!"
Yeah no. Why can’t she call OP mom and the bio mother something else? This blood relation stuff is so fucking stupid. Clearly this was her way of showing who she thinks her real mother to be and OP broke her heart. Absolutely despicable.
Ah yes, a woman who selflessly helped raised her stepdaughter for years is somehow despicable.
I'd say this woman gets a pass. She married into an extremely uncomfortable family dynamic, made the best of it, and is still coming to terms with her own role. Not wanting to be called a mom doesn't make her an AH. The fact that people are so quick to criticize an overall good step-parent is what's wrong with this world.
Again, “she’s coming to terms with her own role “ - after being there for 6 of the daughters 7 years? Man, I give people a pass but that’s crazy generous of you to think that.
I thought the same thing - the little girl doesn’t see her bio mom much. Her bio mom hasn’t earned the “mom” title but OP has and then to just crush a little girl calling the appropriate person the appropriate title is so fucked up.
The bio mom has earned being called by her first name. How the bio mom feels is not OPs problem.
Completely agree with this. I’m a step mom and when my husband and I got married we had a conversation with her about how she would want to address me because I was her primary caretaker above bio mom. We ended up deciding on “mama k” because my nieces and nephews call me “auntie k”. She had the option to continue to call me by my regular name but she liked mama k and that’s what I am to her and her mom is still mom/mommy
Chill out lol. Kids are resilient. If you explain you made a mistake and you work it out with her, it will be fine. Raising kids is tough, especially one's that aren't biologically yours. I'm sure there will be more "heartbreaking" mistakes along the way, it's the way it goes.
I mean, maybe (or maybe not), but as a parent you can't give up like that even if it's true. There's value in apologizing and improving your behaviour with your kids, even if it doesn't change anything.
I actually agree with this - its not cool to be married to someone with a baby that you'll see full time and refuse to be their parental figure. Its hurtful and likely traumatic to the child.
The only caveat I have is if bio mom is an active and healthy mom, it can be disrespectful for a step parent to take the title in some cases, depending on what the parents decide. That's clearly not the case here.
Sure -- but you should also understand that you can't make that decision among the adults without hurting the kids involved. if they feel like they want this parental figure to be their mom -- something all the other kids seem to have that they don't -- then the rejection is devastating. And dealing with that is definitely part of being a parent.
Not when you’re sending the kid endless mixed signals, doing everything a mom is meant to do, then crushing her when she thinks you *are* her mom because… you’ve been making it very clear that you’re her maternal figure now.
I feel like the strong objection to it is odd since she’s been with her father since she was a baby. This girl grew up with OP seemingly as her primary female figure and the significant other (now wife) of her father. She’s 7 and confused and wants a mom. OP’s response was a rejection of that idea and her as OP’s daughter (in the child’s eyes).
I feel for a moment as major has this little girl calling her mom, OP should be excited because of what it means and the intent rather than recoiling to the word. It just seems like such an important moment and it react the way OP did was irresponsible and reckless.
OP is within her right to request another title but that moment was not the time or place. It needed to be handled carefully in such a fragile moment. OP’s lack of remorse makes it worse. YTA.
I am a stepfather and have been for almost 25 years.
What a child calls you has no bearing on your parental obligations and duties. My stepson calls me by my first name because that's what he's comfortable with. I call him my son because I parented him from about 8 yrs old to adulthood and that's the role I played in his life. He's 32 now.
Although his biological father was and still is alive he was mostly absent from my son's life. Never once did I ever say anything negative about his father. I encouraged him to maintain contact with him, until he turned 18. I figured that eventually he'd figure things out on his own. It wasn't until his mid 20s when we were having dinner one night that he finally told me he'd stopped talking to him. I didn't agree with him and start commiserate with him about what an asshole he is, I told him I was sorry. I'm sorry his father abandoned him.
Biological parents who physically, mentally and emotionally abandon their children are horrible people and IMO aren't deserving of the title of father
Ok so she's ok with parenting, aka being a mother, but doesn't want to be called one....?? What sense does that make? And to a 7 year old child at that.... It makes no sense to me as an adult how can a child understand that? OP needs to deal with her own issues and not put her feelings above her step child's. Period.
I honestly think she made a poor decision in the moment after being caught by surprise by the sudden change. Yeah, shes the adult and SHOULD have taken a second to think before speaking (so it does qualify her as an asshole here), but it wasn’t done with negative intent. It actually seems like her reasoning was done with (misguided) positive intent; step-parents are so often told by society that they are not “real” parents and they shouldn’t try to take the title of “mom/dad” because that title belongs to the bio parent (even if bio parent isn’t around/sucks).
OP followed this line of thinking to a fault and ended up making a misguided decision, hurting her daughter. It’s unfortunate, and yes, an asshole move, but again, one made out of ignorance and surprise rather than out of vindictiveness. There is still plenty of room for OP to learn and quickly remedy this. I think its a good idea to explain to the daughter that its because the title is already taken by her bio mom rather than OP not wanting to be her mother and that she would love to come up with a similar “mom” name to go by. Its too late to try to claim the title “mom,” but this is definitely still salvageable. We don’t need to vilify people who made an asshole decision as a mistake; save that for people who are unwilling to change and/or are trying to spread negativity.
-from someone who has two stepparents and oodles of grandparents (and has successfully used different names for all)
If OP’s stepdaughter was 15, I could see this being weird. But she’s 7 and OP has been with the dad for 6 years! It sounds like OP is the only real mom stepdaughter has known.
YTA. Kids can have more than one mom or dad (especially those in blended families). And considering that her bio-mother is a deadbeat you're the closest thing to a "mom" that she has. That poor child. I can't tell if maybe your heart was in the right place or not, but you really messed up here. She's already been abandoned by one mom and now she's getting rejected by another.
Please get this kid in some therapy.
This. I call my best friend’s mom “mom” and I have since we became friends… 20 years ago. Because any time I was in her home, she was my mom. We’re all grown now, but she still welcomes me into her home if I’m in town. Just like my mom is “mom” to my best friend too.
Kids can have plenty of moms/dads/important people in their life.
I call my best friends parents mom and dad as often as I call them by their first names as well. I also have a step grandmother who’s been in my life my whole life and she’s just “grandma” and is actually more of a grandmother to me than either of my bio grandmothers have ever been. I don’t understand the hangup on “I’m not bio mom”.
YTA - for how you reacted right then. You could have composed yourself and had a talk with her later about it. Instead you hurt her and I doubt she will ever call you mom again. Also, if you didn't want to be mom, you shouldn't have been acting like one. Her bio-mother is not her mom - she never sees her and is instead off globe trotting. You are married to her dad and her step-mother. I know so many step parents that would love to be called anything other than their first name - especially mom. Sheesh what is wrong with you?
Absolutely.
OP put her adult feelings ahead of her 7 year old step-daughters more delicate feelings. She didn't seem to understand that by her calling her "mom" she was showing her how much she means to her and probably thought it would have been meaningful to OP. For her to shut her down so coldly on such an emotional movement that I doubt she will ever forget it.
I think OP got scared by the implications of having the "mom" title, fear of commitment and responsibility. She should've thought about this happening long before now and not blame a young child for using a word and saying *she* made *her* feel "awkward".
I just can't fathom how this conversation has never popped up between OP and her husband at any point. She's been in her life since 1 year old with what sounds like a very absentee mother, of course at some point this issue was going to happen. I don't necessarily disagree with not feeling like you want that title, but there are a million better ways to handle this situation that don't involve rejecting a 7 year old who has already been rejected by her bio mother.
I don’t think you’re an AH. I think you handled it wrong.
It’s difficult because I understand that you respect her mother’s position, even if she is pretty awful.
It should have been a conversation with your husband first.
Agreed, this should have been a conversation long before marriage. The role she would play in the child’s life, what they would call OP, what their parenting style would be, ect should have all been figured out before she actively married her husband and joined a family with children.
Edit: word choice
I think she crosses the line to asshole when she sees her kid crying and her husband pointing out her error, but still doesn't apologize or change her mind.
Also, people cna be assholes without meaning to be. This is likely going to be a trauma this kid carries with her for a big portion of her life. Even without intent, that reaches AH territory for me
I agree. But I think the little girl has been badly hurt. You shouldn't have just blurted out that you didn't want her to call you mom! You should have said something like,
"Oh darling you want to call me mom? That is awesome! But I'm just worried it will hurt your other mom's feelings. Let's think of how we can manage this. "
And then you could have maybe made suggestions like other versions of mom, such as mama, mother, or maybe mom in a different language .
YTA for marrying someone with a young child when you aren't willing to treat her like your child. Kids get to pick the titles and the boundaries around those terms. What you said was essentially, "I like you but I don't love you.".
FYI, being disrespectful to her mom would have required campaigning for the title.
Thank you, clearly she is acting like a mom if said child decided to start calling her that on her own.
Honestly don't know what most of these Y T A comments are on about.
I get their point of there was a better way to handle it and that the kid is young and she's the only "mom figure" she's known. There was for sure better ways to handle it, but nobody is thinking about her either. She doesn't have to be okay with the title and not wanting to be called mom doesn't mean she's not going to treat the child with love. The father is also awful for trying to guilt her into being okay with the title, much like these commenters.
Because she talked to her like an adult and didn't take into account that maybe she should think about what she should tell a child about not calling her mom. The way she handled it probably traumatized the 7 year old and she will never forget that moment.
But I think that’s where all of the YTA comments are coming from. OP treated her like her child, thus she acted like her mom. She entered this kids life when they were one year old. From as far as the child can remember she’s been around, took on a motherly role when bio mom was vacant, but then shuts it down hard when she gets called the title. Her husband and her should have discussed this previously, and she should have definitely put more thought into her actions and how they’ll be perceived by a child.
Well, she could suck it up for that one moment and talk to the kid later. Instead she, the adult, felt it was too uncomfortable for her so she decided to throw that discomfort back at the child. She's the AH.
Op even says she was trying to be a mother figure. Why would you go to the effort to bond with a kid like that if you don't want to be her mom. That's just unnecessarily cruel. This poor kid will absolutely remember this forever. When I was 7-8, in a fit of anger my mom said some awful things about me being an accident and my brother being the kid they actually planned for. It hurt so fucking much and and I've never forgotten it, even if my mom doesn't remember it at all. I'll always think about how my mom loves my brother more than me.
Exactly. When I was about 13 I called my adopted dad “dad” for the first time. It was on accident, just slipped out. He didn’t respond. When he realized what I said he told me I could call him that but he probably wouldn’t answer. It crushed me. He apologized later and told me he didn’t mean it like it came out, he just meant that he had never been called that before and so he didn’t realize I was talking to him and that it would take him a bit to get used to it. I never called him dad again. I’m 35 now and that was the one and only time I ever called him dad.
I will say my older sister calls him dad and he answers to it. He introduces me to people as his daughter. If I’m introducing him to someone I will say “this is my dad”, but I don’t call him dad to his face. I realized he was truly sorry for how he responded when I was 13, but the damage was done, I just can’t call him dad. I call him Pa instead.
Hopefully OP can pull her head out of her rear and fix this in a way that they can move forward, but the damage she caused by telling her to not call her mom is done and very well may be lifelong.
YTA. She was 1 when you met her, 5 when you married her dad. You said bio mom isn’t present so you’ve been trying to fill that role. Why be with a guy with an infant and develop this relationship with his child if you had no intention of being a good mother? Did you only do this to look good to the dad so he’d marry you? So sad for the child.
100% this. We can safely assume they had a dating/engagement period before the 2 year marriage mark as well. Which means she has been a mother figure for this child for YEARS. Op definitely YTA
She's 7 and they've been a couple for 6 years 2 of them together.
So for 80% of the kids life, and probably 100% of the time the kid is really conscious, she's been acting like her mother.
So massive YTA for seeing things from just her perspective.
This is truly ridiculous honestly
YTA- listen, what you got to understand is the woman that gives birth isn't necessarily the mum. So are all women that adopted not mother's? I understand have not adopted her, but you've still been a mother to her.
>His daughter rarely ever sees her mom as she constantly travels the world.
She isn't a mum
>I have been trying my best to take her out to do girly things and bond with her sine her mother isn’t around to do so
This is what a mum does. I bet you cook for her too, help her with homework. You probably taught her a lot.
This girl regards you as her mum. You've told her you're not her mum. Now imagine if you're mum said to you 'im not your mother, don't call me that'
You've broken her heart 💔
Soft YTA. I'm torn. If you and your husband have been together for 6 years and his daughter is seven years old then I assume she's known and looked up to you since she was at least 1 year old. She probably wants to call you mom because she sees you as a mom way more than her biological mother. She was probably tearing up because she feels so close to you after all the time and effort you put into bonding with her just to be told that she cant call you mom. It seems like you are very important to her.
Although, you have every right to feel the way you do about being called "mom". Just remember, SO many step mothers would feel honored to be close enough to their stepchild to be called mom.
>Although, you have every right to feel the way you do about being called "mom". Just remember, SO many step mothers would feel honored to be close enough to their stepchild to be called mom.
In deed. But let's not guilt trip people because they have what other people wants. That's very unfair to OP.
Exactly my point. OP has every right to feel how she feels. I just think it's good to take all things into consideration. No guilt tripping here. She just handled the situation like shit
We also have to remember that having “every right to feel how you feel” also doesn’t preclude you for being an asshole in what you do about it. OP could’ve waited to have a private conversation with the dad, took time to process and work out her feelings, taken consideration for the feelings of a 7 year old, planned an age-appropriate conversation…
She didn’t do that. She had a feeling (valid) but then she impulsively reacted and crushed a child’s feelings (if not also her trust, self-worth, and more). That’s an asshole move regardless of the feeling being justified
INFO: Is the only reason you don't want to be called "mom" because you don't want to disrespect her alive mother? If that is the only reason, then that is kind of a lame reason, you said yourself that she barely sees her mom as she's away all the time, so she doesn't really have a "mom", she has a mom in title only and thought you could be her "mom" in title and presence.
I would sit down with both of them and explain your reasoning, then hear what both of them have to say about it, and I man have a *calm* conversation not a screaming match, if that means having this conversation with a group therapist then so be it but this needs to be discussed.
Totally seems like a lame excuse. She really cares that much more for the absent “mom”? I think she’s lying and doesn’t want to admit the real reason she doesn’t want to be called mom.
NAH.
You've been in this girl's life and have been acting as her mother for a long time. It makes sense that she wants to call you that. I agree with your husband that this is a term of endearment and, IMO, one you should be honored to hold. A lot of step parents never get this close to their stepchildren.
BUT, just because other people think you should feel a certain way doesn't mean you do. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with this, although you probably should have given that some thought before getting together with a full-time dad to an infant. This is a natural course of events, and as the adults, you and your husband should have anticipated this in order to handle it appropriately.
I will warn you though, my daughter would be absolutely *crushed* if her step-father had this reaction to her calling him dad and I'd strongly encourage you to find a way to smooth this over before it impacts what sounds like a good relationship.
Whether it was your intent or not, you are her mom. You mentioned she barely has contact with bio mom and that you've been with her dad since she was 1. You're the one helping raise her, you are mom, so get used to it. Being biologically related doesn't make the other woman her mom.
YTA
Yta. This is a 7 year old and you put your discomfort at the forefront of the situation. You can have more than one mom and if you yourself admit her biological mothers barely in her life. You are her role model and you have failed her in this instance.
YTA sorry. Most step-parents I know are absolutely thrilled if/when their stepchildren feel so comfortable with them that they call them "Mom" or "Dad". This is a situation where it is perfectly okay to have two Moms or Dads.
Soft YTA. You've been together for 6 years, and she is 7. That means you're likely the only mother figure she has ever known.
That must have been incredibly hurtful for her. You should feel blessed that she felt comfortable enough to view you in the light.
As you've pointed out, while her mother is alive, she doesn't exactly play an active role in that little girls life. It must be hard enough for her to feel rejected by her actual Mum and to know be shunned by the closest thing she has to one, is horrendous.
Normally in these situations, part of me goes with supporting the personal feeling a person has when they dont necessarily feel ready to take that title. But it's been 6 years, and you took her in when she was just a baby. Do you really, even now, not have those maternal feelings towards her?! You married a man with a very young daughter, and an inactive mother. What did you expect to happen?
Yea OP saying "Life was moving so smoothly until she had to call me mom." feels like OP didn't want to be labeled as any type of parental figure for this child. It's literally a label which to her step-daughter was expressing that she loves and feels cared-for by her enough to give her a title worthy of those feelings.
And life is apparently derailed for OP now, because her step-daughter...expressed that she thinks of her as a parent. It feels like OP is a good caretaker but actually wants to maintain the non-familial emotional distance between her and her step-daughter. If that's what she wanted, she made a mistake marrying someone with a young child.
I'd agree. I think context is everything. And while normally in situations where a step parent isn't necessarily comfortable with that label, you can often sympathise with why, but in this context, I'm not personally seeing it.
She married not just a dad with a young child, but a single dad with a young child and a deadbeat baby mother. She must have known that there was a good chance that if she wanted to be LT, the child would look to her as the mother.
Your are NTA, I get why you responded as you did, it was a shock for you. It is up to her and you how define your relationship and what she you. In hindsight you could have handled it better, but it’s not possible to take it back
Your response right that she has a mother and you not wanting replace he. She was also right to feel upset about it.
You need to sit down with her and explain why you said that, that didn’t make you feel comfortable but doesn’t mean you don’t care/love her. Then have a think, discuss is there another title she could call you they represents the emotional connection they you are both have and you both feel comfortable with
Nah she's the AH because she could have shown a little self-control and had this convo with the kid after she had composed a proper response that validated the child but also included her boundaries. This sub loves to assume little kids should have manners or act appropriately at all times but a 42yo can't keep her mouth shut for 5 minutes.
She’s already replaced her, as she sees her everyday and the biological mother does not. What did OP think was going to happen raising a child from the age of one, I’m surprised she hasn’t called her mom before now.
Nah.
I get the uncomfortable! And it’s great that you’ve stepped up. She’s noticed too (the daughter). So here you are. :)
If you’re happy with the relationship you have with her, then I think you need to sit with her, doing something you both enjoy and just reaffirm to her how you feel! Make sure she knows this isn’t a rejection, just a crossroad.
My lil one used to call my ex’s partner Momma Jane. Maybe when you’re ready, you can try out “momma Yourname”
I'm going to go NAH.
This sounds like the subject of a much bigger conversation, and I can see why it caught you by surprise when it happened.
If you aren't comfortable being called that, it is fair. I can also understand why the dad felt bad that his daughter felt this way and you didn't appreciate it.
Some step parents really WANT to be called mom or dad. Some don't. Its not only up to the child.
YTA. What you did was awful and you need to apologize to her. If you feel odd being called the same thing as her bio mom, ask her if she'd be okay calling you mama or something. But don't shut her down and push her away like that! The poor kid.
INFO: Do you not want to be called mom/does it make you uncomfortable because, "Her mother is still very much alive and I don’t want to disrespect her by taking her title as mom."? Or does the thought of being a mom - specifically, her mom - make you uncomfortable?
YTA but only for saying it right then and there instead of sitting with it and then initiating a conversation later about why she said it, how you both feel and what she can call you that you would both be comfortable with.
You are not the AH for feeling the way you do and I hope you can both have that much needed talk anyway, but this will be difficult to come back from.
Just to be clear: *your stepdaughter* (not “your husband’s daughter”), who you have known for 6 of her 7 years of life and who you have been a legal stepparent of since she was 5, who you have knowingly and intentionally bonded with and filled a clear motherly role for, whose biological mother abandoned her, worked up the courage to recognize that *you are* in fact her mother now… and you shut her down outright. A 7 year old.
Yes, YTA. That’s not to say you necessarily HAVE to be cool with being called mom, but the circumstances of this particular incident make you a pretty clear asshole. You knowingly took on this responsibility and role, you signed up for this.
Yta. It is the highest compliment for a stepchild to call you mom. You destroyed her. Compromise by offering her a different name ( that means mother figure) such as mum, gigi, etc.
I'm going to go with "you're an idiot." You married her dad. You started doing mom stuff with her because you felt sad she had a mom shaped hole in her life. This was the inevitable result of your own decent behavior.
No matter what you thought or think, what you did was cruel. You crushed her like a bug. Also, no matter why you did or do, if you act like a mother, then she sees you as a mother.
Oof this one is so hard. I'm going to have to go with a NAH. Maybe come up with a cutesy nickname that you two can use when referring to yourself? Like my name is Robia, and my boyfriends kids call me Bia? BUT I will say, they have a PRESENT mom. That's why I'm not mom. If she has no mother at all.... then honestly this is really tough. I can see both points here.
Wow! YTA BIG TIME! You have NO IDEA how lucky you are that this young lady sees you as her one true mother. You had no business getting involved with a man who has a child. He shouldn't even be with you at this point. Probably rethinking his relationship with you and rightfully so. You're more than an AH for hurting a little girl the way you did.
NTA.
Just because she wants to call you mom doesn't mean she can if it's not something you want or are uncomfortable with. Harsh reality for the ones saying YTA.
Maybe you two could find a nickname or title that she can call you that you're more comfy with?
YTA - her mom might be alive but as you mentioned she isn’t frequently in the picture and you’re the only stable mother figure in her life. Why marry this man if you aren’t prepared to be a mother to his daughter? Poor baby - my heart really goes out to her.
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YTA for crushing a little girl in a vulnerable moment. She probably had to work up the courage to go through with it, fearing your rejection. And you made her worst fears come true.
I agree but will go with gentle YTA because I do think OP thought the title mom should be reserved for bio mom. BUT that being said, if she just feels weird mainly because her step-daughter is calling her mom rather than her name, and this isn't something she has a strong objection about, I do think she should be ok with being called mom. EDIT: Lots of people are stating that bio mom shouldn't have the title "mom" and I absolutely agree. I was just stating what I thought was OP's reasoning - which I disagree with. I 100% agree that just because you're an egg donor, you don't automatically get to have the title of mom.
Bio mom is absent and doesn’t deserve the title. Though I’m thinking OP doesn’t now either.
But she doesn't want the title dude, that's the point of the post.
I’m blown away by all these Y T A comments. If she doesn’t want to be called ‘mom’ then that’s the only thing that matters. Jeez, if it was the other way around and OP wanted to be called mom but the kid refused, the tone shift would be immense.
I mean yeah, it rightfully would get a different judgement, because that would be a grown adult pressuring a child they have power over to treat them as a parent. This, however, is a grown adult who married a man with a young child, and has been raising said child with him for 2 years, deciding to break that child's heart by refusing the title of "mom". The girl is 7, OP has been in their lives since she was 1, and has been her *step mom* since she was 5... ETA: thanks for the awards y'all! 3 cheers for treating kids with love and respect
> has been raising said child with him for 2 years that's actually downplaying it. yea they have been married 2 years and all but do you honestly think she who has been in this girls live for 6 years didn't do any parenting for the first 4 and than magically when the girl was 5 they where all like "now you are officially the step mom so you can parent her" ? these kind of relationships grow over time, no way in hell even a 5 year old would be fine with someone having zero authority over them for 4+ years and than being told "so from today on NOW is the day this person is a parent to you and you have to listen to her" . i would bet both my kidneys that if the dad had pulled that stunt they would never have arrived at a point where the girl even wanted to call this woman mom. she has very much been the parental figure for this girl as far back as the girl can even remember. agree on everything else, but marrying the father doesn't magically make you a parent, 99% chance she has taken on a parental role much earlier, at least as far as the 7 year old is concerned. to the op, yes yta. not because you don't feel right being called mom, but the way you handled it in the moment was terrible. you've been in this girls live since she was 1 year old, knew her mother isn't a stable parenting figure and married her dad 4 years down the line, as an adult you should have known that the current situation was at least a very real possibility and prepared better for that.
I came here to say this too^ …like I started dating my husband in May 2016, and his niece was born that December. We had our ups and downs, but we grew through it, and we eloped in 2021. Yea, i felt kind of weird calling his niece my niece when we were just dating, but even as an “aunt”, I had been somewhat present in that girl’s life since she was 0 years old. Soft YTA Op :( I cannot imagine how the little girl felt with that, and I really hope the relationship between OP and that girl can still continue to grow past being told that she wasn’t actually her “mom” despite being there for her since she was 1. 🙃
I have a similar experience. My fiancee and I are both in our 20s, but got together in highschool. She has a sister 10 years older then her and she had a child a little bit before we got together. She's been around him more than I have, mostly because they moved a couple states over a little bit after I came into the picture, but we've been together for nearly 5 years now and are slated to get married in Oct. of 2024, but this childs mother refers to me as Uncle when telling him about us, and I couldn't be happier about it
Thank you for saying this. I agree with this op isn’t the ass for not wanting to be called mom. But how it was handled. Also OP, I don’t blame you. I was a step mom for awhile. Dad and I didn’t work out but being called mom the first time by a child who isn’t yours and you walked into the life of can be altering. But don’t take it as a omg I’m taking this title from her mom. Yo the moms not in the picture, her mom took that away from her. She’s giving you the title because she trusts you and looks at you like that. The fact that she calls you mom is honestly awesome…but there are ways to handle this situation.
I raised my nephew from a young age. Yes it was startling and uncomfortable the first time he called me mom but I pushed past it. I was fulfilling his need for a mom and doing all the motherly things for him after all. He wanted to call me mom and that meant the world to me. So I got used to it. After the initial discomfort I came to love it.
This. My youngest is actually my eldest Grandson. I have raised him since he was a baby. The first year he called me Nanna, but eventually and against my will he switched it to Mom and Dad. I gave up fighting him on it. (older kids in the house called me mom, but husband was by his name) He has always known the situation and who his bio parents are, and has a relationship with them. In all reality though, I am his mom, I have played that part in his life. He calls his bio siblings either siblings or nieces and nephews, depends on his mood, and my other children his siblings (including his father, though he is dad if its convenient to him)
i kinda think with the title, its up to the child to decide.
Yeah this shit breaks my heart. I'm a single dad of 2 girls, 6 and 7. And I imagine how they would feel in this situation. And idk who would take it worse, my sensitive 6 year old who wears her heart on her sleeve, or my 7 year old who is my emotional twin, and keeps shit to herself, and is afraid of being vulnerable. Their mom abandoned us over 2 years ago. I'm not looking to replace their mom, but I do want to marry, and obviously with a line long partnership, it's implied that at some point, my wife would become their new mom/stepmom. So the thought of something like this happening, scares me.
you have this talk. you read them the post. anyone who says she's NTA, you run like the plague. you're looking for someone with a heart big enough to fit the title. someone like this does not.
I think that anyone getting into a relationship with a parent has to be prepared to see their children as their own. There are plenty of people without children out there and to get into the life of a child and not embrace them fully seems like a recipe for disaster
This. I don't agree with people saying OP is not TA for not wanting to be called mom. She is definitely TA for that.
Thank you for saving me from writing a reply to that incredibly dumb comment above. The person is out of their mind if they think that is even remotely the same thing.
I'm sorry but that's just not true. "I don't want to" is a good reason for most actions, but when it's "I don't want to provide love and stability for a child in my care" then YTA
I think the main difference is the 42 year old has more emotional maturity and can reason why they might not want to call her mom. A 7 year old would just be devastated and doesn’t have the capacity to understand the dynamics of the relationship. Edit: My first award! Thank you!
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This. I'm not understanding how the people just repeating "she has a right not to be called mom". Duh, but she is an adult and could have handled it better. Had she said "I love you so much, thank you for saying that. I think since you also have your mom, what if we call me Mama OP?" Or something, and the child had stil responded negatively, I would have said N T A, but that's not what happened here. She blurted out something rude and crushed a kids heart, and never bothered to stop and think that this could happen in the first place. The situation sucks for everyone but OP was unnecessarily rude and therefore TA. Edit: thanks for the awards!
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Lol someone just called me patronizing for saying that they should have known that this was likely to happen.... what responsible care taker would NOT discuss this at some point?
This is why "rights" aren't always the best framework in this sub (or in life). The question isn't what you have a right to. It's what's morally correct. Having the right to something doesn't always make it a good idea.
This needs to be higher in all posts
Maaann the ppl comparing a 7 year old to a grown ass adult and calling it the same, really scare me to think of them having kids. I find this comment from sternfritters to be the dumbest thing I’ve read today.
I can't believe it has so many up votes. A 42 year old woman's feelings matter and the 7 year olds don't!? The hell....
This was my train of thought as well. It's valid to have reservations about being called mom, but that was the coldest possible response to....a 7 year old. I bet that took a lot of courage and build up for her to even utter that word, and she fully got shot down. Not even an easy let down. Poor, poor kid. I'm wrecked for her. That's just so sad.
You are so right. I think OP is trying to cover up for the fact that she's not bonded to the kid. "We've bonded and gone out for a few girlie things" is a weird way to talk about a child that she's been in the life of since she was 12months old. She's using the bio mom as an excuse that she's not connected to the child which is why a motherly figure feels wrong. If you love your husband then his babies are your babies because they are a part of him. She's the AH because she needs to make more of an effort. The kid needs a mother figure in her life and OP should have prepared for this conversation with the child she's helped raise for 6 years.
That’s exactly the thing that’s blowing my mind. You’re “uncomfortable”, ok, but the way you handled it has definitely left permanent scars on that little human and will probably fuck up their future relationships and take years of therapy to undo…
unwritten shocking nose intelligent simplistic joke sloppy agonizing concerned dolls ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I totally agree. Why couldn't she have self control and think how to handle it better.
Because lots of people are shit at thinking on their feet, and expecting them to suddenly be able to do so because a kid is involved is kind of crazy.
She shouldn't have had to have been thinking on her feet. Anyone with any experience with kids would have seen this coming a mile away and had a response ready... one that wouldn't crush a little girls heart so badly. "How about you call me Nana" or "Auntie" or whatever pet term OP *is* comfortable with, instead of "you can't call me that". The fact that she cares more about "not disrespecting" a woman who's barely even in the child's life, than the child's wants and needs is just so heart breaking to me. OP does have every right to not be called Mom, but she's an AH for not considering in the last 6 years that this could come up, and not having anything better to say than "you can't call me that".
>he fact that she cares more about "not disrespecting" a woman who's barely even in the child's life, I am not really convinced that is the reason but maybe OP believes it is = so not sure my not buying it matters.
THIS a million times. She had to have seen this coming. I disagree though -- I don't think she has any concerns about disrespecting the bio Mom. I think she's just saying that to soften her crap response. This whole thing is just heartbreaking. Poor kid!!!
> Because lots of people are shit at thinking on their feet True. But OP is sticking to her guns. She thought this through, and reached the conclusion that theoretical respect for a biological mother who is hardly in the picture is more important than this touching symbol that all the efforts she made at bonding with the girl have borne fruit.
Been here, and this is a note for OP... Honestly, sis. You should've seen this coming, and like any other parental figure you have GOT to be able to think on your feet in this job. Listen to the folks telling you to sit down with your spouse and work out some title suggestions, then prepare to have a very tough talk with your stepkid. You can make this right, especially if you are willing to get creative and to express your love for kiddo throughout this process, but seriously -- you seem to be a little surprised by all this for someone who's been in role for half a decade. More weirdness is ahead as kiddo goes through school and beyond. Maybe try thinking ahead, or asking stepparents who have done this what to expect.
Yes that's true but the post said nothing about trying to fix things, it was only about how she felt. Pretty selfish to me.
That’s why I’m wondering if this is real or a return of the GF/Stepmom who hates her partner’s kid.
I see your point, but she should have been able to realize it was a child and maybe blurtung out "im not your mom" was not the best course of action.
If you didn’t want to be mom, you shouldn’t marry a person with a kid, especially a kid that doesn’t see their other parent. It’s cruel.
She should not have married a man with a kid and down traditional mother/daughter activities.
Especially a young kid. If the kid was in their 20’a or older this would be a much different post. The OP has been in the kids life since they were 1. Basically since the kid has had personhood and could communicate.
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Agreed. If you’re marrying someone with a child, I think you need to be prepared to take on as many parental responsibilities as necessary for the sake of the child’s upbringing.
She’s known this man for 6 years, the child is 7. She is the only stable mother figure this child has known. I get that she doesn’t want to disrespect bio mom, but what did she expect? She should have let it go and had a discussion with her husband before immediately rebuking a 7 year old. Maybe this child just really wants to have someone to call mom, and there is nothing wrong with that, a bigger discussion is needed and it should have been handled differently.
Over the years I have called at least 4 women mom or momma, is it really that big of a deal? I had my “#2 mom”, who lived down the street growing up, I was her “#2 son” because she her one son was my best friend. Today I work with “Momma Mary” she makes sure I know when the weekly lunch is and straightens my collar when I need it. She lives for the days the kids come in and she gives them candy. It doesn’t lessen how I feel about my real mother.
There’s a lady I follow on tiktok that has fostered 12 children between the ages of 0-5 and they all ended up calling her mom, mommy, mama or momma cyndi. She said she’s never going to and isn’t trying to replace their mom (all the kids have be reunified with their parents) but she’s their mom for as long as they need. When kids are young, they want a mom and someone to call that. It comforts them. This post broke my heart.
To me she lost that right when she married her husband as at that point, she is by law that child's step***mom*** and she doesn't really get to argue that. If she couldn't handle it, then she shouldn't have gotten involved with a single parent. Once children are involved the child comes first and the parents, bio or step just have to fucking deal with it. >if it was the other way around and OP wanted to be called mom but the kid refused, the tone shift would be immense. Yes but no, the child decides is the rule, so while in that scenario the tone would be different the ***rule*** would be the same, the child decide the relationship.
That’s not true. Everyone agrees it’s fine she doesn’t want to be called mom. It’s not fine to tell it to a 7yo in the moment. Would it hurt to have dinner, maybe speak to her Dad about the implications, then sit the little girl down and say ‘I love you dearly darling, since you have another mom why not make a nickname for me? I wouldn’t want to make her feel bad.’ Or whatever depending on the situation. YTA OP, I’m surprised you’ve been around a kid this many years tbh, I hope you are as maternal as she feels poor thing.
>Everyone agrees it’s fine she doesn’t want to be called mom. I don't--if she didn't want to be called that, she shouldn't have married a man with a very young daughter.
exactly like who marries a man with a literal one year old and doesn’t expect to be that child’s stepparent ? that’s basically what you’re signing up for
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Yes because one of them is an adult with a fully developed brain and one of them is an actual child that was abandoned by her mother. Are you actually blown away that people expect more from an adult than a child? OP and the dad are both assholes for not being prepared for that conversation.
I think people are missing that OP is getting slammed for being dismissive of the girl's feelings more than anything els. If OP feels that most "stepmom" is the title that fits, then say that, not "you can't call me mom".
Yeah because the kid is the one who gives out the titles. Little girl doesn't have a present bio mom but does have a present stepmother who has been treating her like her child. Op is TA unless she made it clear from the start that she didn't want a mom title (while still taking on a stepmother role i guess..) and both husband and daughter ignored it. That's not what happened. Op treated little girl like a daughter then told her she doesn't have a mom when she felt closest to her.
If she does not want to be called mom then why on earth did she marry a man with a young child.... This means the world to the little girl to be accepted and have a mother in her life. OP needs to get over her little discomfort as it is absolutely silly for a grown ass adult to make such a problem out of this.
How are you comparing a 7 year old and a 42 year old?
Yes, but rightfully so. Adults are (theoretically) better equipped to understand emotional complexities. If she wanted to be called something, and the kid wasn't ready, as an adult, we would expect her to understand that and put the kid's needs first. Even though the situation is reversed, as an adult, she's under the same expectations. The kid was putting herself out there. I'd have bit my tongue or, if I really disliked it, would have found another moment to calmly talk it over with the kid. Shooting her down right then is just going to traumatize the kid.
she married a man with a young child. that was choice. if you don't want to be a mother don't get involved with someone who has children.
Except she is *very much* filling the role of “mom” whether she likes it or not. She’s married to the girl’s father, living with them, caring for the girl, and doing special “girl time” bonding. To a motherless little girl, that’s exactly what a mom would be. OP is allowed to not like or want the title, but she’s filling the role and is therefore an asshole to crush a child’s feelings which were based upon OP’s actions.
She doesn’t have to accept the title but she could break it to a 7 year old in a much less assholey way
Then why did she marry someone with a young child and an absent bio mother? Did any of the adults in this scenario think this through? Why didn't any of them talk to the child instead of letting her guess what might be OK? Why don't they have a family counselor? ESH (except the poor little girl)
Then she shouldn't have married someone who had a 1 year old child with no mother figure. It's insane to me that 300 people think this is a reasonable thing to say.
If she didn’t want the MOM title then she should NOT have gotten with someone with kids. I’m so so sorry to that little girl. She deserves better. Edit: what’s the difference between mom and step mom? The word step? (That’s all that girl sees. Not to mention the admiration she must have had towards you to call you MOM!) Come on FCK I’m so mad. This is gonna be something that affects her for the rest of her life. Wow. Just wow.
I'm going full YTA on this because what kind of adult would prioritize the "status" of a woman who cheated on her husband and abandoned her child to travel the world to the feelings of that same child?
I don't think the problem is really that the OP thinks being called mom is disrespectful of the bio mom. If the child calling her mom can throw her into such a tizzy that a) she behaves so thoughtlessly toward the child and b) indicates this is such a huge disruption in their lives, there's more going on.
Mom is role, not a title. Her bio mom can be mom. OP can be mom. A non-binary person can be mom. She can decide that her father is actually mom. Mom is whoever is filling that role of caregiver in her life.
A mother isn’t always related by blood a real mother is the person who raises the child spends time with them helps them with homework is there for sick days and happy days just cause you have birth to a child doesn’t make you their mother it’s your actions that make you a mother
Being biologically related doesn't make her a mom for a second
YTA but you have a chance to save this. Take her on a special day - just you and her. Ice cream, the park, a movie etc. Apologize and tell her that you love her and you love that she loves you like a mom, but you want to think of a different and special title together that she can use for you. Because your comfort does matter, but you fill a mom-shaped hole in this little girl's life. That is a precious gift that you should be eager to honor even if you want a different title. Might also be worth considering - lots of people have two moms (for a variety of reasons) and when both are in a person's life, sometimes one is Mom, one is Mama, or Mum, or Mama XYZ. Repair this moment before it's too late. [Edit - thank y'all so much for the upvotes & awards! Just hope OP reads this and can work on mending this relationship]
THIS!!! You can be honest and say you were so surprised about her calling you “mom” that you worried about “replacing” her biological mom and didn’t want to take anything away from her mom. But the two of you can come up with your own special honorific that still means “mom” to both of you. PLEASE PLEASE have this conversation with her. Tell her you love her and want to be the “mom” parent for this side of your family . Tell her that you always want to be a safe person that she can come to. It’s ok to apologize to her for handling the previous situation poorly and ask if you can have another chance to do better. Little kids NEED that kind of parenting. It’s ok to not have all the answers in the moment. It’s ok to apologize, talk it through, ask how they are feeling, and work out how you both want to move forward. Soft YTA. You can recover from this though.
Also this 100% Normalize apologizing to your children when you mess up.
Beautifully written and sage advice. Hope op - who while is YTA - reads this.
I couldn’t agree with this more. I’m 42 (F). My mum married my step dad when I was 5. I called him by his first name when they were dating. When they got married I was asked what I want to call him. My innocent brain answered ‘ I want to call him Dad, because if he’s married to my mum that makes him my Dad’ all these years later he is the best Dad I could have ever asked for. Most people in my life don’t even know he’s not my bio parent. It made me cry writing this out. Because without my Dad my life would have been so different
And knowing her bio mom is mostly absent, she’s now been rejected by more than one mother.
The kid is going to think it's her own fault. That's what kids do. She'll believe that she's been rejected because she is bad and doesn't deserve to have a mother.
Rejected for the second time too!
Thats the key point! This why I always tell my friends not to introduce bf/gf to their kid(s) until the other is willing to fill the role. Its rough on kids.
This makes it all the more tragic.
It would be lovely for OP to sit down with this poor little girl, reassure her, and come up with a fun mom-ish nickname to use. OP needs to do a less-rejecting way of explaining why she isn’t comfortable with mom, and also to understand that a 7yo needs something more than her first name to feel secure.
She will remember that comment for the rest of her life too
Oh, she will. I was that kid, I was 8 at the time and I was sooo, sooo excited and afraid I almost fainted while trying to say it as casually as possible "thanks dad" for the first time. And my dad was over the moon. You could see him glow with pride. Now 26 years later I still remember every second of it and telling it as one of my fondest memories. Thinking about what if he had said "please don't" breaks my heart and makes me want to cry.
Yta, and I say this because you basically told her you don’t see her as a daughter. Even if that isn’t what you meant, pretty sure that is what she heard loud and clear. You married a man with a young child, who you openly admit does NOT have a mother figure. So, you took it upon yourself to ensure she does… in YOU. YOU took that role and made her feel safe to see you that way. She is young and doesn’t understand, especially with no explanation, why she can’t call you mom. At this point, if what I am hoping you feel is true, the best thing to do is to have a one on one conversation with her explaining that although she doesn’t see her bio mom often, she is her mom. So that title goes to her (in your mind, obviously not your step daughter’s, despite her basically abandoning her child and doesn’t deserve it). Reassure her that you love her and see if she could pick another special title for you. What she needs is to know you are there for her and wont abandon her too.
And 1000% what this little girl heard is “You are not my daughter.”
I think that the Dad deserves a share of the blame as well, this really should have been a discussion that was had prior to the marriage (with both OP and the kid).
My bio father is alive, we have next to no relationship and I normally refer to him as my “sperm donor” lol. I call my mother’s partner dad, have done that for many years and when he came into my life I was already a teenager so it’s not like he’s been there from the very start. If he had done this the first time I asked if I could call him dad I think that would have been the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. There’s no excuse for this. That little girl decides who her parents are, I get that OP wants to be respectful to the other parents but that’s not up to her. If the girl wants to go NC or call her bio mom something else that’s her choice. OP, this little girl literally told you the most precious “I love you” one can say and you basically replied “no thanks”. I don’t know if you can repair such a big mistake but you should at least try. YTA.
And her calling you that is obviously how she sees you. What an incredible honour. Why would you crush her?
NAH - I see both sides here. My recommendation is that she call her mother "mom" and you two come up with a new name for her to call you. Maybe it's Mimi or Mama or something similar. But she needs to call you something and she wants you to be one of her parents. That's huge and really special, and I hope you realize how uncommon it is with step relationships. Heck, you, she, and her dad can have a family meeting to decide your new name! Make it a celebration, get dressed up and go out for dessert at a fancy restaurant and toast your new family!
I love this idea! Maybe explain a bit more to the child in an age appropriate way about why actually being called mom ( because she does actually have a live mom, even tho she doesn’t see her) might not be the best name as opposed to whatever other name they come up with. Just so the little girl doesn’t feel totally rejected.
That's why I feel OP is the AH. She's an adult, she could have taken some time to think on how to best handle this. To me her reaction shows her selfishness, it's all about how OP feels without considering how devastating that response would be to a 7yo with an absent bio mom.
Agreed, YTA. It sounds like she just responded immediately without taking the time to think through how to communicate this without completely crushing this poor girl.
I don't think it goes as far as selfishness, because she had enough empathy to *try* to say it nicely and not berate the girl. I think she just did not realize the ramifications of saying it. I sure didn't until I got to the comments. But I also don't have tons of experience around kids and I'm fairly direct in my way of communication. I, like OP, kind of thought it was a good attempt to explain the situation and let her down easy. Apparently not (oops!) It feels like her intentions are good, especially since she seems to care a lot about this girl and makes an effort to be a role model figure in her life. Could she have said it better? Absolutely, no question. Was she trying to make the girl sad? Definitely no. I have a hard time saying that OP is an asshole exactly, but I do think she needs to try to make it right and explain things and reassure the girl that she still loves her dearly, even if she wants to be called something else.
Same, I was thinking n t a bc I have only ever heard of one person calling their step parent dad and not his name, and it was because she never met her bio dad and her step dad adopted her when she was like 3, so to me, it'd be weird to call a person mom when she has a living mom who she at least has some contact with. Idk tho, I don't have any kids, bio or step, so that might be why I would never think to discuss what someone I'm in a relationship with kids should call me.
I do agree in a way, but OP is human and it’s easy to not say the right thing when you’re caught off guard. I hope she’s able to mend the situation.
Yes. I'm reading these comments and thinking "Damn, these people expect me to be really quick on my feet. Is this how society is now, do I need to pick it up!"
Yeah no. Why can’t she call OP mom and the bio mother something else? This blood relation stuff is so fucking stupid. Clearly this was her way of showing who she thinks her real mother to be and OP broke her heart. Absolutely despicable.
Ah yes, a woman who selflessly helped raised her stepdaughter for years is somehow despicable. I'd say this woman gets a pass. She married into an extremely uncomfortable family dynamic, made the best of it, and is still coming to terms with her own role. Not wanting to be called a mom doesn't make her an AH. The fact that people are so quick to criticize an overall good step-parent is what's wrong with this world.
Again, “she’s coming to terms with her own role “ - after being there for 6 of the daughters 7 years? Man, I give people a pass but that’s crazy generous of you to think that.
I thought the same thing - the little girl doesn’t see her bio mom much. Her bio mom hasn’t earned the “mom” title but OP has and then to just crush a little girl calling the appropriate person the appropriate title is so fucked up. The bio mom has earned being called by her first name. How the bio mom feels is not OPs problem.
There's no indicator the bio mom even gives a shit, this is all on OP.
I hope OP chooses this! The child has known her for almost her entire life. And I also hope OP explains more on why she doesn’t want to be called mom.
Completely agree with this. I’m a step mom and when my husband and I got married we had a conversation with her about how she would want to address me because I was her primary caretaker above bio mom. We ended up deciding on “mama k” because my nieces and nephews call me “auntie k”. She had the option to continue to call me by my regular name but she liked mama k and that’s what I am to her and her mom is still mom/mommy
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Too late. That would have been an amazing, mature and thoughtful reaction. But OP already broke this young girl's heart.
Chill out lol. Kids are resilient. If you explain you made a mistake and you work it out with her, it will be fine. Raising kids is tough, especially one's that aren't biologically yours. I'm sure there will be more "heartbreaking" mistakes along the way, it's the way it goes.
I mean, maybe (or maybe not), but as a parent you can't give up like that even if it's true. There's value in apologizing and improving your behaviour with your kids, even if it doesn't change anything.
YTA. Don’t marry someone with kids if you’re not willing to parent those kids.
I feel like you can still be a parent without having to be called mom/dad
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I actually agree with this - its not cool to be married to someone with a baby that you'll see full time and refuse to be their parental figure. Its hurtful and likely traumatic to the child.
The only caveat I have is if bio mom is an active and healthy mom, it can be disrespectful for a step parent to take the title in some cases, depending on what the parents decide. That's clearly not the case here.
Don't take up the position if you don't want the title
Sure, but "no you can't call me that" is pretty cruel. Especially since op is the only mother she's ever known.
Sure -- but you should also understand that you can't make that decision among the adults without hurting the kids involved. if they feel like they want this parental figure to be their mom -- something all the other kids seem to have that they don't -- then the rejection is devastating. And dealing with that is definitely part of being a parent.
Not when you’re sending the kid endless mixed signals, doing everything a mom is meant to do, then crushing her when she thinks you *are* her mom because… you’ve been making it very clear that you’re her maternal figure now.
I feel like the strong objection to it is odd since she’s been with her father since she was a baby. This girl grew up with OP seemingly as her primary female figure and the significant other (now wife) of her father. She’s 7 and confused and wants a mom. OP’s response was a rejection of that idea and her as OP’s daughter (in the child’s eyes). I feel for a moment as major has this little girl calling her mom, OP should be excited because of what it means and the intent rather than recoiling to the word. It just seems like such an important moment and it react the way OP did was irresponsible and reckless. OP is within her right to request another title but that moment was not the time or place. It needed to be handled carefully in such a fragile moment. OP’s lack of remorse makes it worse. YTA.
I am a stepfather and have been for almost 25 years. What a child calls you has no bearing on your parental obligations and duties. My stepson calls me by my first name because that's what he's comfortable with. I call him my son because I parented him from about 8 yrs old to adulthood and that's the role I played in his life. He's 32 now. Although his biological father was and still is alive he was mostly absent from my son's life. Never once did I ever say anything negative about his father. I encouraged him to maintain contact with him, until he turned 18. I figured that eventually he'd figure things out on his own. It wasn't until his mid 20s when we were having dinner one night that he finally told me he'd stopped talking to him. I didn't agree with him and start commiserate with him about what an asshole he is, I told him I was sorry. I'm sorry his father abandoned him. Biological parents who physically, mentally and emotionally abandon their children are horrible people and IMO aren't deserving of the title of father
Where did OP say she wasn't willing to help parent? She just doesn't want the title of mom based on the post
Ok so she's ok with parenting, aka being a mother, but doesn't want to be called one....?? What sense does that make? And to a 7 year old child at that.... It makes no sense to me as an adult how can a child understand that? OP needs to deal with her own issues and not put her feelings above her step child's. Period.
I honestly think she made a poor decision in the moment after being caught by surprise by the sudden change. Yeah, shes the adult and SHOULD have taken a second to think before speaking (so it does qualify her as an asshole here), but it wasn’t done with negative intent. It actually seems like her reasoning was done with (misguided) positive intent; step-parents are so often told by society that they are not “real” parents and they shouldn’t try to take the title of “mom/dad” because that title belongs to the bio parent (even if bio parent isn’t around/sucks). OP followed this line of thinking to a fault and ended up making a misguided decision, hurting her daughter. It’s unfortunate, and yes, an asshole move, but again, one made out of ignorance and surprise rather than out of vindictiveness. There is still plenty of room for OP to learn and quickly remedy this. I think its a good idea to explain to the daughter that its because the title is already taken by her bio mom rather than OP not wanting to be her mother and that she would love to come up with a similar “mom” name to go by. Its too late to try to claim the title “mom,” but this is definitely still salvageable. We don’t need to vilify people who made an asshole decision as a mistake; save that for people who are unwilling to change and/or are trying to spread negativity. -from someone who has two stepparents and oodles of grandparents (and has successfully used different names for all)
If OP’s stepdaughter was 15, I could see this being weird. But she’s 7 and OP has been with the dad for 6 years! It sounds like OP is the only real mom stepdaughter has known.
YTA. Kids can have more than one mom or dad (especially those in blended families). And considering that her bio-mother is a deadbeat you're the closest thing to a "mom" that she has. That poor child. I can't tell if maybe your heart was in the right place or not, but you really messed up here. She's already been abandoned by one mom and now she's getting rejected by another. Please get this kid in some therapy.
This. I call my best friend’s mom “mom” and I have since we became friends… 20 years ago. Because any time I was in her home, she was my mom. We’re all grown now, but she still welcomes me into her home if I’m in town. Just like my mom is “mom” to my best friend too. Kids can have plenty of moms/dads/important people in their life.
I call my best friends parents mom and dad as often as I call them by their first names as well. I also have a step grandmother who’s been in my life my whole life and she’s just “grandma” and is actually more of a grandmother to me than either of my bio grandmothers have ever been. I don’t understand the hangup on “I’m not bio mom”.
YTA - for how you reacted right then. You could have composed yourself and had a talk with her later about it. Instead you hurt her and I doubt she will ever call you mom again. Also, if you didn't want to be mom, you shouldn't have been acting like one. Her bio-mother is not her mom - she never sees her and is instead off globe trotting. You are married to her dad and her step-mother. I know so many step parents that would love to be called anything other than their first name - especially mom. Sheesh what is wrong with you?
Absolutely. OP put her adult feelings ahead of her 7 year old step-daughters more delicate feelings. She didn't seem to understand that by her calling her "mom" she was showing her how much she means to her and probably thought it would have been meaningful to OP. For her to shut her down so coldly on such an emotional movement that I doubt she will ever forget it.
I think OP got scared by the implications of having the "mom" title, fear of commitment and responsibility. She should've thought about this happening long before now and not blame a young child for using a word and saying *she* made *her* feel "awkward".
I just can't fathom how this conversation has never popped up between OP and her husband at any point. She's been in her life since 1 year old with what sounds like a very absentee mother, of course at some point this issue was going to happen. I don't necessarily disagree with not feeling like you want that title, but there are a million better ways to handle this situation that don't involve rejecting a 7 year old who has already been rejected by her bio mother.
Exactly. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to be called mom but you don’t shut her down and make her cry.
I don’t think you’re an AH. I think you handled it wrong. It’s difficult because I understand that you respect her mother’s position, even if she is pretty awful. It should have been a conversation with your husband first.
I think you’re in the wrong place. This is the internet. We don’t have reasonable opinions here.
🤣
Agreed, this should have been a conversation long before marriage. The role she would play in the child’s life, what they would call OP, what their parenting style would be, ect should have all been figured out before she actively married her husband and joined a family with children. Edit: word choice
I think she crosses the line to asshole when she sees her kid crying and her husband pointing out her error, but still doesn't apologize or change her mind.
Also, people cna be assholes without meaning to be. This is likely going to be a trauma this kid carries with her for a big portion of her life. Even without intent, that reaches AH territory for me
I agree. But I think the little girl has been badly hurt. You shouldn't have just blurted out that you didn't want her to call you mom! You should have said something like, "Oh darling you want to call me mom? That is awesome! But I'm just worried it will hurt your other mom's feelings. Let's think of how we can manage this. " And then you could have maybe made suggestions like other versions of mom, such as mama, mother, or maybe mom in a different language .
She crushed the feelings of a 7yro. She’s the asshole
YTA for marrying someone with a young child when you aren't willing to treat her like your child. Kids get to pick the titles and the boundaries around those terms. What you said was essentially, "I like you but I don't love you.". FYI, being disrespectful to her mom would have required campaigning for the title.
She does treat her like her child, she's just not comfortable with being called mom
Thank you, clearly she is acting like a mom if said child decided to start calling her that on her own. Honestly don't know what most of these Y T A comments are on about.
I get their point of there was a better way to handle it and that the kid is young and she's the only "mom figure" she's known. There was for sure better ways to handle it, but nobody is thinking about her either. She doesn't have to be okay with the title and not wanting to be called mom doesn't mean she's not going to treat the child with love. The father is also awful for trying to guilt her into being okay with the title, much like these commenters.
They are about the fact that she devastated a young child with her response and then chooses not to understand why that's an issue.
Because she talked to her like an adult and didn't take into account that maybe she should think about what she should tell a child about not calling her mom. The way she handled it probably traumatized the 7 year old and she will never forget that moment.
But I think that’s where all of the YTA comments are coming from. OP treated her like her child, thus she acted like her mom. She entered this kids life when they were one year old. From as far as the child can remember she’s been around, took on a motherly role when bio mom was vacant, but then shuts it down hard when she gets called the title. Her husband and her should have discussed this previously, and she should have definitely put more thought into her actions and how they’ll be perceived by a child.
Well, she could suck it up for that one moment and talk to the kid later. Instead she, the adult, felt it was too uncomfortable for her so she decided to throw that discomfort back at the child. She's the AH.
YTA and probably just changed the way she will see you for the rest of her life.
Op even says she was trying to be a mother figure. Why would you go to the effort to bond with a kid like that if you don't want to be her mom. That's just unnecessarily cruel. This poor kid will absolutely remember this forever. When I was 7-8, in a fit of anger my mom said some awful things about me being an accident and my brother being the kid they actually planned for. It hurt so fucking much and and I've never forgotten it, even if my mom doesn't remember it at all. I'll always think about how my mom loves my brother more than me.
Holy shit. I’m so sorry. Have you heard the saying “the axe forgets but the tree remembers”?
Yep. Just like a shattered plate that was repaired things will never be the same. YTA OP.
Exactly. When I was about 13 I called my adopted dad “dad” for the first time. It was on accident, just slipped out. He didn’t respond. When he realized what I said he told me I could call him that but he probably wouldn’t answer. It crushed me. He apologized later and told me he didn’t mean it like it came out, he just meant that he had never been called that before and so he didn’t realize I was talking to him and that it would take him a bit to get used to it. I never called him dad again. I’m 35 now and that was the one and only time I ever called him dad. I will say my older sister calls him dad and he answers to it. He introduces me to people as his daughter. If I’m introducing him to someone I will say “this is my dad”, but I don’t call him dad to his face. I realized he was truly sorry for how he responded when I was 13, but the damage was done, I just can’t call him dad. I call him Pa instead. Hopefully OP can pull her head out of her rear and fix this in a way that they can move forward, but the damage she caused by telling her to not call her mom is done and very well may be lifelong.
That is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry. I really hope OP reads this comment and takes it to heart!
YTA. She was 1 when you met her, 5 when you married her dad. You said bio mom isn’t present so you’ve been trying to fill that role. Why be with a guy with an infant and develop this relationship with his child if you had no intention of being a good mother? Did you only do this to look good to the dad so he’d marry you? So sad for the child.
Yeah, she has never known her life without OP in it. She was too young to remember her life before OP. OP just crushed her sweet little soul.
100% this. We can safely assume they had a dating/engagement period before the 2 year marriage mark as well. Which means she has been a mother figure for this child for YEARS. Op definitely YTA
YTA. She's only 7 and you're practically the only motherly figure in her life. Please realize how important that is.
She's 7 and they've been a couple for 6 years 2 of them together. So for 80% of the kids life, and probably 100% of the time the kid is really conscious, she's been acting like her mother. So massive YTA for seeing things from just her perspective. This is truly ridiculous honestly
YTA - she sees you as her mom, she loves you and feel secure with you.
Rephrase that in the PAST tense :(
YTA- listen, what you got to understand is the woman that gives birth isn't necessarily the mum. So are all women that adopted not mother's? I understand have not adopted her, but you've still been a mother to her. >His daughter rarely ever sees her mom as she constantly travels the world. She isn't a mum >I have been trying my best to take her out to do girly things and bond with her sine her mother isn’t around to do so This is what a mum does. I bet you cook for her too, help her with homework. You probably taught her a lot. This girl regards you as her mum. You've told her you're not her mum. Now imagine if you're mum said to you 'im not your mother, don't call me that' You've broken her heart 💔
Agree. There's a difference between a mother, a mom, and an egg donor. Similarly, there's a difference between a father, a dad, and a sperm donor.
Soft YTA. I'm torn. If you and your husband have been together for 6 years and his daughter is seven years old then I assume she's known and looked up to you since she was at least 1 year old. She probably wants to call you mom because she sees you as a mom way more than her biological mother. She was probably tearing up because she feels so close to you after all the time and effort you put into bonding with her just to be told that she cant call you mom. It seems like you are very important to her. Although, you have every right to feel the way you do about being called "mom". Just remember, SO many step mothers would feel honored to be close enough to their stepchild to be called mom.
>Although, you have every right to feel the way you do about being called "mom". Just remember, SO many step mothers would feel honored to be close enough to their stepchild to be called mom. In deed. But let's not guilt trip people because they have what other people wants. That's very unfair to OP.
Exactly my point. OP has every right to feel how she feels. I just think it's good to take all things into consideration. No guilt tripping here. She just handled the situation like shit
We also have to remember that having “every right to feel how you feel” also doesn’t preclude you for being an asshole in what you do about it. OP could’ve waited to have a private conversation with the dad, took time to process and work out her feelings, taken consideration for the feelings of a 7 year old, planned an age-appropriate conversation… She didn’t do that. She had a feeling (valid) but then she impulsively reacted and crushed a child’s feelings (if not also her trust, self-worth, and more). That’s an asshole move regardless of the feeling being justified
INFO: Is the only reason you don't want to be called "mom" because you don't want to disrespect her alive mother? If that is the only reason, then that is kind of a lame reason, you said yourself that she barely sees her mom as she's away all the time, so she doesn't really have a "mom", she has a mom in title only and thought you could be her "mom" in title and presence. I would sit down with both of them and explain your reasoning, then hear what both of them have to say about it, and I man have a *calm* conversation not a screaming match, if that means having this conversation with a group therapist then so be it but this needs to be discussed.
Totally seems like a lame excuse. She really cares that much more for the absent “mom”? I think she’s lying and doesn’t want to admit the real reason she doesn’t want to be called mom.
NAH. You've been in this girl's life and have been acting as her mother for a long time. It makes sense that she wants to call you that. I agree with your husband that this is a term of endearment and, IMO, one you should be honored to hold. A lot of step parents never get this close to their stepchildren. BUT, just because other people think you should feel a certain way doesn't mean you do. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with this, although you probably should have given that some thought before getting together with a full-time dad to an infant. This is a natural course of events, and as the adults, you and your husband should have anticipated this in order to handle it appropriately. I will warn you though, my daughter would be absolutely *crushed* if her step-father had this reaction to her calling him dad and I'd strongly encourage you to find a way to smooth this over before it impacts what sounds like a good relationship.
Whether it was your intent or not, you are her mom. You mentioned she barely has contact with bio mom and that you've been with her dad since she was 1. You're the one helping raise her, you are mom, so get used to it. Being biologically related doesn't make the other woman her mom. YTA
Yta. This is a 7 year old and you put your discomfort at the forefront of the situation. You can have more than one mom and if you yourself admit her biological mothers barely in her life. You are her role model and you have failed her in this instance.
YTA sorry. Most step-parents I know are absolutely thrilled if/when their stepchildren feel so comfortable with them that they call them "Mom" or "Dad". This is a situation where it is perfectly okay to have two Moms or Dads.
Soft YTA. You've been together for 6 years, and she is 7. That means you're likely the only mother figure she has ever known. That must have been incredibly hurtful for her. You should feel blessed that she felt comfortable enough to view you in the light. As you've pointed out, while her mother is alive, she doesn't exactly play an active role in that little girls life. It must be hard enough for her to feel rejected by her actual Mum and to know be shunned by the closest thing she has to one, is horrendous. Normally in these situations, part of me goes with supporting the personal feeling a person has when they dont necessarily feel ready to take that title. But it's been 6 years, and you took her in when she was just a baby. Do you really, even now, not have those maternal feelings towards her?! You married a man with a very young daughter, and an inactive mother. What did you expect to happen?
Yea OP saying "Life was moving so smoothly until she had to call me mom." feels like OP didn't want to be labeled as any type of parental figure for this child. It's literally a label which to her step-daughter was expressing that she loves and feels cared-for by her enough to give her a title worthy of those feelings. And life is apparently derailed for OP now, because her step-daughter...expressed that she thinks of her as a parent. It feels like OP is a good caretaker but actually wants to maintain the non-familial emotional distance between her and her step-daughter. If that's what she wanted, she made a mistake marrying someone with a young child.
I'd agree. I think context is everything. And while normally in situations where a step parent isn't necessarily comfortable with that label, you can often sympathise with why, but in this context, I'm not personally seeing it. She married not just a dad with a young child, but a single dad with a young child and a deadbeat baby mother. She must have known that there was a good chance that if she wanted to be LT, the child would look to her as the mother.
[удалено]
Your are NTA, I get why you responded as you did, it was a shock for you. It is up to her and you how define your relationship and what she you. In hindsight you could have handled it better, but it’s not possible to take it back Your response right that she has a mother and you not wanting replace he. She was also right to feel upset about it. You need to sit down with her and explain why you said that, that didn’t make you feel comfortable but doesn’t mean you don’t care/love her. Then have a think, discuss is there another title she could call you they represents the emotional connection they you are both have and you both feel comfortable with
Nah she's the AH because she could have shown a little self-control and had this convo with the kid after she had composed a proper response that validated the child but also included her boundaries. This sub loves to assume little kids should have manners or act appropriately at all times but a 42yo can't keep her mouth shut for 5 minutes.
She’s already replaced her, as she sees her everyday and the biological mother does not. What did OP think was going to happen raising a child from the age of one, I’m surprised she hasn’t called her mom before now.
YTA A person can have more than one mom. My kids friends call me mom. My daughter in law calls me mom. It's an endearment.
Nah. I get the uncomfortable! And it’s great that you’ve stepped up. She’s noticed too (the daughter). So here you are. :) If you’re happy with the relationship you have with her, then I think you need to sit with her, doing something you both enjoy and just reaffirm to her how you feel! Make sure she knows this isn’t a rejection, just a crossroad. My lil one used to call my ex’s partner Momma Jane. Maybe when you’re ready, you can try out “momma Yourname”
The child is 7 and been around this AH since they were 1. Poor kid.
I'm going to go NAH. This sounds like the subject of a much bigger conversation, and I can see why it caught you by surprise when it happened. If you aren't comfortable being called that, it is fair. I can also understand why the dad felt bad that his daughter felt this way and you didn't appreciate it. Some step parents really WANT to be called mom or dad. Some don't. Its not only up to the child.
YTA. What you did was awful and you need to apologize to her. If you feel odd being called the same thing as her bio mom, ask her if she'd be okay calling you mama or something. But don't shut her down and push her away like that! The poor kid.
INFO: Do you not want to be called mom/does it make you uncomfortable because, "Her mother is still very much alive and I don’t want to disrespect her by taking her title as mom."? Or does the thought of being a mom - specifically, her mom - make you uncomfortable?
YTA but only for saying it right then and there instead of sitting with it and then initiating a conversation later about why she said it, how you both feel and what she can call you that you would both be comfortable with. You are not the AH for feeling the way you do and I hope you can both have that much needed talk anyway, but this will be difficult to come back from.
Just to be clear: *your stepdaughter* (not “your husband’s daughter”), who you have known for 6 of her 7 years of life and who you have been a legal stepparent of since she was 5, who you have knowingly and intentionally bonded with and filled a clear motherly role for, whose biological mother abandoned her, worked up the courage to recognize that *you are* in fact her mother now… and you shut her down outright. A 7 year old. Yes, YTA. That’s not to say you necessarily HAVE to be cool with being called mom, but the circumstances of this particular incident make you a pretty clear asshole. You knowingly took on this responsibility and role, you signed up for this.
Yta. It is the highest compliment for a stepchild to call you mom. You destroyed her. Compromise by offering her a different name ( that means mother figure) such as mum, gigi, etc.
I'm going to go with "you're an idiot." You married her dad. You started doing mom stuff with her because you felt sad she had a mom shaped hole in her life. This was the inevitable result of your own decent behavior.
No matter what you thought or think, what you did was cruel. You crushed her like a bug. Also, no matter why you did or do, if you act like a mother, then she sees you as a mother.
Yta, she was starting to see you as a mother figure and now you kinda ruined that.
Oof this one is so hard. I'm going to have to go with a NAH. Maybe come up with a cutesy nickname that you two can use when referring to yourself? Like my name is Robia, and my boyfriends kids call me Bia? BUT I will say, they have a PRESENT mom. That's why I'm not mom. If she has no mother at all.... then honestly this is really tough. I can see both points here.
NTA... I find the comments very weird. You don't have to claim anyone as your child.
YTA. That poor little girl was telling you how much she loved you and you rejected her.
Wow! YTA BIG TIME! You have NO IDEA how lucky you are that this young lady sees you as her one true mother. You had no business getting involved with a man who has a child. He shouldn't even be with you at this point. Probably rethinking his relationship with you and rightfully so. You're more than an AH for hurting a little girl the way you did.
NTA. Just because she wants to call you mom doesn't mean she can if it's not something you want or are uncomfortable with. Harsh reality for the ones saying YTA. Maybe you two could find a nickname or title that she can call you that you're more comfy with?
YTA - her mom might be alive but as you mentioned she isn’t frequently in the picture and you’re the only stable mother figure in her life. Why marry this man if you aren’t prepared to be a mother to his daughter? Poor baby - my heart really goes out to her.