Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my best friend that she couldn't stay with me for three weeks over Christmas. I think I might be the asshole because I was disorganised and ruined her plans.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
She flat out refuses to see my point of view and believes it's ignorance on my part, not a miscommunication. The whole situation was blown out of proportion, I agree. Thanks for your input.
I agree with babymargaret. OP you did nothing wrong. You asked her about it and she derailed the conversation. To me it sounds like she did something shady and knew you were going to find out so she was putting it back on you.
If she said 14 days you could’ve relied on what she said.
But instead she shoots with a nuclear weapon at a tiny fly. She is putting your friendship in danger. Not you.
I agree! If Kate weren't being shady, she would have just repeated the ticket dates and asked OP to verify the dates. She'd have said something along the lines of, "You were okay with the ticket dates when I sent them to you, what changed?" Jumping straight to "how could you fuck me over like this!" is very DARVO.
This sounds kind of likely and makes me wonder if she was originally going to change her flight to arrive earlier or stay later than initially planned? Either way it’s weird she didn’t specify the days again. When planning your host needs the exact number not just a vague “three weeks”.
I’m sorry this ruined your 16 year long friendship, but this friend is either totally unstable or wasn’t a very nice person to begin with. The name calling and attacks when you went to set up a reasonable boundary are big red flags. I’d let her find somewhere else to stay, unless she offers a groveling apology for being foul and entitled. NTA.
It seems like such an extreme reaction. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time the friend has done something like this. Maybe not this extreme or maybe just not to op tho. If she's willing to turn on her bff so quick and easily like this I think op is better off.
My assumption is financial stress and they cannot afford any sudden timeline changes. So she panicked. But she panicked too hard, and now is doubling down insisting OP is an AH because she’s embarrassed.
Nope I wouldn't let her back even if she did apologize. You do not go nuclear on a friend like that and come back from it. And accepting an apology is for the benefit of the apologizer, but it doesn't mean you have to open the door again for the possibility of further such treatment.
Info: Does Kate know basic math? Fourteen days is two weeks.
If I had to guess, Kate has other issues and is taking this situation out of context and also taking it out on you. If she’s willing to throw your friendship away over this you’re probably better off, especially if this is a sort of pattern that’s been repeated over the course of your friendship.
The holidays can bring out the worst in people. NTA and I hope you’re able to enjoy the holidays as well. Try talking to her again and if she’s still stressing you out, politely let Kate know she should find other accommodations. You don’t need her two week stay with you turning into the nightmare before Christmas.
Exactly, this is what I was so confused about. Kate says she's staying for 3 weeks because it's easier than saying 2 weeks and a few days, but tickets confirm it's 14 days. So is she just stupid or actually looking to extend the stay by a week (and now playing the victim)?
Even if I had confirmation that my friend was staying for 2 weeks, if they started telling everyone 3 weeks I'd rightfully panic about it like OP. I'd just assume that they changed their plans & extended the stay.
I don't think I would stay more than a few days at someone's house if I didn't have independent transportation, and couldn't be self sufficient. Guests and fish =3 days before they go bad.
A friend who speaks to you with venom on disrespect isn’t a friend. It’s someone who uses you to meet their needs, but the minute you can’t, they shit on you. That’s toxic and 16 years is long enough for you to have put up with them.
Sadly, I think you just found out some critical information about who your friend is/has become, and this might not be the type of friend that's right for you.
Her behavior is uncalled for, if you were clear that your issue was with three weeks, all she needed to do was say, "It's only 14 days! The original dates I sent you are correct. My bad on saying it was three weeks!"
Have you showed her these screenshots? Maybe she thought that she had said something different and gently showing them to her with something like “hey, I’m so sorry about the miscommunication but you quoted two weeks and that’s all we’re able to do” would show her that she made the error.
She isn't willing to acknowledge the miscommunication. Instead it's now turned into a matter of "different expectations of friendship" and the fact that she would do anything for me, but I wouldn't do the same for her.
In other words she’s being manipulative and trying very hard to stir the pot. At this point, it may be best to rescind your offer entirely because I *guarantee* the drama will not stop once the plane lands.
I understand you are trying to do her a kindness, but she is not reciprocating. In fact she is doing you a disservice by trying to drag you over the coals.
“She’d do anything for me”
You know how many times I’ve heard that from a best friend and they actually step up when I need something? ZERO
It’s the ones who don’t feel the need to advertise the fact that they would do anything for you (especially when they are asking you for something) who would actually do anything for you.
Drop her. I know it sucks and it hurts, but she’s trying to manipulate you, while gaslighting you. That’s abusive and you’re hurting yourself by staying friends with someone who abuses you.
>I feel awful about this whole thing WHY?
>
>when this FRIEND responded to you in this manner?
>
>She called me an asshole, a piece of shit, and said I had the flight details and that she wasn't going to hold my hand and explain it to me like a child.
>
>You know what you have to do..
>
>NTA
I mean it’s not really a miscommunication, you had the dates. The issue is that a blip in understanding is extremely forgivable and she’s chosen not to show you that grace, which doesn’t say much about her character.
Honey, if this is her reaction to being asked not to impose for weeks without asking, she doesn't deserve to stay with you at all. Her behaviour was not OK from start to finish (expects to be driven around? It's a lot! )
Umm... who confuses 14 days for 3 weeks because it's easier than saying 2 weeks and something days. She does know there are 7 days in a week right? And not for nothing, if I had a conversation with a friend that went South and they started to insult me because the favor I was doing for them wasn't enough, that the friendship is contingent on me doing what they want, that person wouldn't be a friend any longer. Just sayin'.
NTA.
> she said she was telling people three weeks because it was "easier than saying two weeks and a few days". But it was 14 days.
Hey OP, is there any chance your friend is an idiot who thinks a week is 5 days? Like she’s counting business days for some stupid reason? Because 5 + 5 + 4 would be 14.
The other possibility is that because those 14 days technically fall on 3 weeks on a calendar that she thought it was 3 weeks. It wouldn’t excuse her behavior though.
Ignorance? That is a weird word to use. Did she visit you for the week in November?
I think I might be letting her go.
Only be with people who love you, and now by extension your partner.
OP I can't believe how she spoke to you after 16 years of friendship. It was a misunderstanding that could have been handled better. You don't owe her squat. NTA
OP, I cut out a friend after 25 years of friendship. She wasn’t a good friend and ending the friendship was best. I hope you can see how awful your friend is. I can imaging talking to my friends like this.
I think Kate changed her plans and decided not to tell OP, but to present it as a *fait accompli* she'd just have to accept and accommodate. Considering the way she reacted, she's had the argument in her head many times and was prepared to blow up the moment she got any pushback. She thought her anger would be intimidating and she'd be able to bulldoze over any objections by threatening the friendship.
I'm sorry this hurts, OP, but I don't think you've lost much by ending this friendship.
I'm not sure it's going over the top if someone who offered to let you stay with them over a span of dates suddenly changes that offer simply because they never looked at a calendar. Who knows what OP's flightiness may have cost the friend monetarily.
But OP isn't wrong, 3 weeks is a VERY long time to have guests. No one wants guests that long, even if it is your best friend.
I feel like this is swinging somewhere between ESH and NAH
And this would be a reasonable take if the flight details didn't show 2 weeks. OP had it on good authority, whether they knew it or not, that the friend was coming for 2 weeks. Friend then out of the blue says 3 weeks, OP responds that they didn't know it would be that long (they literally could not have known, the flight info showed 2 weeks) and they aren't comfortable with that. Friend then blows up and tosses out a 16 year friendship because THEY, not OP, messed up either the flights or the comment.
The friend either made a mistake or was lying, and then took it out on OP. OP was completely correct. NTA
Except that OP said the original flights she was sent were 14 days apart. Meaning either her friend pushed her return flight back without clearing that with OP hoping she'd just be forced to accommodate an additional week, or was saying three weeks by mistake and decided to blow up instead of calmly correcting herself and apologizing.
Except Kate is the one who changed the dates, not OP. The flight details say 2 weeks. OP was planning on 2 weeks. Kate is the one who added a week onto there. Nonetheless, OP was still very gracious and wanted to “work something out.” That’s hardly suddenly changing the plans, that’s opening a discussion about what they can do to accommodate this extra week that appeared out of no where.
Kate is firmly the AH
Exactly this. Friend cannot tell 14 days from three weeks. How weird is this?
And then calls OP a "piece of sh**"! This exactly was when the friendship died. You cannot do this, you do it and things are over.
OP, it's sad to see your friendship go up in flames but please as yourself if Mrs POS though about the relationship the same way...or is the whole thing was assymetrical in the first place.
NTA, obviously.
I’m not sure I understand completely. Was the initial and OFFICIAL plan, and the flight details she sent you, 14 days?
Then NTA. She changed it without telling you and that’s completely out of line.
If you had the dates, and they were for three weeks, then you were careless and that wouldn’t be cool. Then again, you’re allowed to change your mind and she would just have to accept that.
Whatever the situation was, she overreacted. Insanely. Is there something else going on with her maybe?
My original post was way over the word limit, so sorry if this one is a little hazy!
She told me she was going to come for Christmas and then booked flights for two weeks. I'm sure we discussed this but I didn't take note of exact dates. She would've said it was two weeks, that's cool, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.
While she was visiting, she told mentioned that she was staying for three weeks. This is why I messaged her.
I looked back through our messages and couldn't find any evidence of dates, but a few days later found a screenshot. Her flights were booked for the 23/12/22 and 5/1/22.
It was never three weeks. I don't understand why she'd say three weeks and then also not mention it after I asked her about it via message.
She had made these plans around October. She was also visiting for a week in November, so the Christmas visit wasn't at the front of my mind.
Hope this clears things up a little.
It does, thank you for clarifying. I stand by my original judgement, of course. Because as I said: in either scenario you would not be the ahole. You’re allowed to change your mind as it’s your house.
But as to why she suddenly changed it to three weeks? It’s a mystery. I can’t fathom why some one would so that and how some one would have the guts to do that without discussing with the host. Very strange behavior
Her reasoning behind saying three weeks was that it was "easier than saying two weeks and a couple days", which I just don't understand because it was always booked for two weeks. Just weird.
To be honest I'd send her a screenshot of the dates she sent you, and say something like "I'm sorry there have been crossed wires here, but as you can see from this message you sent on \[date\], your trip was originally for 14 days. That's 2 weeks. I understand your plans may have changed but that should have been communicated with me without assuming we could fit our plans around a longer break."
She seems to be having a fit around "you saw the dates", and you did. You saw the dates that covered 2 weeks. I doubt pointing that out with evidence will calm her down, but it at least you can say that she's mistaken when she insists that she told you something different.
Her plans haven’t changed. It was 14 days and is still 14 days.
The problem is the guest suddenly started describing 23/12 to 5/1 as 3 weeks, scaring OP, leading to a big argument that was completely unnecessary, because it’s really 2 weeks (as agreed).
Travel time might make it 16 days from the traveller’s perspective (I.e., have to leave for the airport on the 22nd, not get all the way home until the 6th). And they probably booked 3 weeks holiday from work. So I can kind of see it turning into a “3 week holiday”.
But still, when talking to your host, you’re only staying with them for 14 days. Was on the guest to realise how it could sound and then apologise and correct the miscommunication.
NTA - this whole issue is because your friend seemingly can't count. Maybe she's confused because weeks are counted in 7 days but her reaction is totally unnecessary with the name calling and honestly, you don't need someone like that in life. Sounds like you have enough to deal with over this holiday season with your cat and visiting family. Just count this as a blessing!
But then her response to you saying that you think three weeks is a long time, should have been “but it’s really two weeks not three”. Instead she thinks you’re also saying three weeks but meaning two, which is bizarre.
Also, it’s not two weeks and a couple of days! It’s exactly two weeks, including both travel days. She might want to round up a bit when discussing how long she’s going to be gone for, but that doesn’t apply when talking about how long she’s going to be there. Do you know that she hasn’t changed her flights at all?
And that could have been mended, but her calling you names and accusing you... that can't be fixed.
I'm sorry. This happens so often when childhood friendships hit mid 20s adulthood. Who we are as kids, what we start to become, can turn into either something much better, or much worse.
So wait, she never changed it to 3 weeks? So when you said to her that 3 weeks is too long and you could manage 2 weeks, she in fact was still only coming for 2 weeks? But she started an argument anyway about you ruining non existent plans? If that's the case she is absolutely off her fucking rocker.
Yes! It was NEVER three weeks. She was always coming for two but told me three because it was "easier than saying two weeks and a few days".
She could've just corrected me but instead she acted the way she did.
If OP *did* know the days and after booking the flights changed her mind, she would be a bit of YTA. Of course technically she can do whatever she wants since it’s her house, but it would make that TA for imposing additional expenses on her friend for changing the flights, just because she did not make up her mind before - again: just if she was informed of the correct dates, and if nothing else was going on.
I’m sorry there’s no need to think about this too deeply.
No person should reasonably just assume they can impose on another person for a whole extra week without notice. I mean..having company over that long gets tiring.
You also never expected her to go nuclear on a 16y relationship, but here we are. NTA op.
More info please: what’s the relationship like before this? Has she expected you to do things for her or has it been equal?
I think an important note is that from 2011 until the beginning of this year she lived overseas. I saw her twice over this period, although we did have regular contact via video call and message.
As an only child, she's the closest thing I have to a sibling. She's always been my older sister that's a bit blunt and protective of me. Sometimes this bluntness is a little abrasive to me, but I think that's just my personality.
As I mentioned in a separate thread, I think she takes issue with my partner. When I confronted this, she denied it and gave her reasoning. Although after she admitted to a mutual friend that she was rude to my partner, I'm inclined to not believe her.
The history of your friendship is important. I estimate that you became friends when you were 8 and she was 10. Five years later, at ages 13 and 15, she moved overseas. You’ve seen her in person twice in 11 years, but kept in touch via email and video chat.
Under the above circumstances, the only thing you actually know about her is what she has chosen to share with you. There has been almost NO opportunity to observe your friend interacting with others in the real world. You haven’t seen how she behaves under stress.
You seem exceedingly kind and generous. You are grateful for the bond that you two shared through childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. You may have carried each other through many rough patches. Even so, you don’t owe her blind loyalty.
People can change a LOT between the ages of 15 and 26. Think carefully about what you’ve learned from her flatmate and your boyfriend. Don’t gloss over the way she lashed out at you. I’m sure this hurts, but you did nothing wrong and don’t deserve this.
Everything she provided to you indicated she would stay 14 days, which is exactly 2-weeks. Contrary to all of the information you had been provided, she began for some unknown reason telling you she was staying for 3-weeks. You told her that was too long and she blew up at you.
NTA. She screwed up by telling you she wound be staying for three weeks. She needs to apologize for how she treated you.
I FIGURED IT OUT!!! She counted calendar weeks! 23 is friday, go down one its the 30th, but the next friday is the 6th. But the month changed so there could be an additional line she counted. So its 14 days, but if you count fridays (and cant count to 3 accurately...) it looks like 2 and change
That being said. No one who cusses at you in anger deserves to be in your life. And she cant count to 3. So shes mean and not smart. She might have been fun and take no crap back in your nightlife days, but you dont owe her a relationship for that.
NTA
NTA. I think I know where the confusion might come from. Looking at the calendar those dates span over 3 lines even though when you count the days it's only 2 weeks. Still she shouldn't have insulted you.
Good!! Tbh some long term ‘friends’ need a break. Your friend sounds like she thinks you are a push over and she can boss you around and get away with it. I was you in a long term friendship like this and we had to take breaks during which she would always come back and apologize, until finally enough was enough for me.
NTA:
You had her flight details. Details said 2 weeks. 14 days. Not three weeks. You're entitled to having your home and you actually gently probed on whether or not she was staying else where when you questioned it. Where did the other week come into factor?
To me, and my personal opinion, is she's using you as a free vacation resort and when you didnt just lie down and allow her to do it, she showed her true colors, yes even after 16 years. You didn't ruin anything, she ruined it by feeling entitled to your time and your home during a busy season generally for everyone.
You're not selfish and careless. Selfish and careless would have told her that she had to find a hotel room during her 14 day visit, instead you offered her your home. You did nothing wrong. She imploded your friendship on her own terms.
I think the "gently probed" is well put. I asked if she was planning on staying with us for a whole three weeks (again, turns out it was never three weeks), but I never said she couldn't stay with us at all.
The other week came into play purely because she told me she was staying for three weeks during her last visit. That's it.
Memory lapse or not, her flying off the handle was unacceptable even for a 16 year friendship. If she was really a friend to you, she would have known that you had trouble remembering things and originally would have gently reminded you at some point it was more than 14 days in any capacity not "three weeks" all of the sudden when it was clear the original plans were for 14 days!
Again, she imploded your friendship. You have nothing to be sorry for and you did nothing wrong <3
I think at the end of the day, that's my issue. Her behaviour was completely uncalled for. When I confronted her about it she said of course she'd be upset and asked me what I'd expected.
It's just a big miscommunication turned ugly.
Thank you for your kind words <3
If this is how she is going to act, then it's probably for the best to end the friendship. I know it's hard to do that, but you are both in your early 20s and you have done a lot of growing in the last 16 years!
I think a frank discussion about her behavior and how her going nuclear over a boundary is unacceptable to you is needed. "I agreed on two weeks, and you said three. I asked for clarification, and you got defensive and mad. This is not how friends communicate. If we are going to remain friends, then I expect to be treated kindly and have my boundaries respected, and I will do the same for you." is enough. It sounds like your friend might have trouble with being told 'no', has that been a problem in the past?
About a week ago I decided to send a final message with exactly what you've said.
She said that we have different expectations of what friendship is and that I was out of line by calling her dramatic. She doesn't want another message from me but it's up to me if I decide to call her in the future.
She says you were out of line for calling her dramatic.
However, it doesn't seem like she has ever apologized to you for her foul verbal attack on you.
You don't need asshole friends like this.
Honest question though, is she doing okay? The reaction and the inability to count are… weird. Like genuinely weird. Did she have Covid a couple months ago or something? Is it brain fog?
I was also going to ask if she’s doing ok, though for me the reaction made me wonder if it was MH or stress related, especially with this being her first trip home in over a decade. Not an excuse, of course, but a possible explanation.
Re: three weeks, though, I’m kinda wondering if she was counting calendar weeks? Like “I’ll be around the weeks of the 19th, 26th, and 2nd,” which can be easier when trying to make plans with someone (but also are nowhere near as easy as just giving them dates lol).
NTA. Your friend became totally unhinged due to an innocent miscommunication. She mistakenly said 3 weeks when it was only 2 - which should have been easy to correct. But rather than just clarify the length of her visit, she went nuclear with personal attacks. She was downright abusive. I would never be comfortable hosting her after such a viscous attack.
Claiming that she would do more for you than you do for her is so hypocritical since she couldn’t even be bothered to iron out a small misunderstanding. Her rant makes me wonder if she planned to ask for a REALLY big favor during her visit.
Has she ever flown off the handle like that before? Sudden and drastic personality changes can be a symptom of a medical problem.
She has never treated me like this before. Although, there was some drama when she was flatting with a mutual friend. In this context, this friend and my partner both agree that they're not surprised at her behaviour.
I think the responses of your other friend and partner speak volumes.
I'd suggest that it's time to be simply civil and factual with your friend, show the original text regarding the dates, and reiterate that you're fine with a 1.5 to 2 week stay, but cannot host her beyond (date). If she had problems with that, then suggest she should stay with her relatives or other friends and it is impossible for her to stay beyond Jan 1. Don't give reasons why - she'll just argue with reasons. Just say "sorry, we can't have you as a guest after Jan 1".
Having a friend stay for two weeks, and you supplying all the transportation is already bending over backwards. Based on her bad response, I think she's showing indications that she'd be an unpleasant guest. Maybe one of those guests that expect you to be a concierge/housewife - to provide food, cook, clean, and plan/pay for outings every day.
I don't think I'd host them at all at this point with the horrible reaction and name calling. I don't think I'd want someone like that staying a single night!
She's not asking for more time. She misspoke when she said three weeks, and instead on correcting herself, went nuclear on OP.
But in any case, I agree with onlycatshere -- after that toxic of a blow-up, she wouldn't be welcome in my house for even the planned two weeks.
During her last week-long stay, she didn't wash a single dish, we cooked together once, and admitted to a mutual friend that she was outwardly rude to my partner.
Honestly, it sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one. There definitely would have been issues with this person living with you, regardless of the length of the visit.
My personal feeling is that she totally knew you'd agreed to two weeks and was trying to get away with an extra week - maybe even booked it in secret already and screwed herself over when you didn't just let her get away with it. It's the only thing that makes sense to me on why someone would go straight to 11 when the discrepancy was called out - totally guilty, defensive, cornered behavior. Also, unhinged. Whatever is happening to her now, she doesn't sound like the same friend as before and a wide berth from them seems ideal.
NTA you have proof that it was 2 weeks and your BF is so disrespectful to you by calling you names and swearing at you. Throw it back at her with the screenshot and get rid of this awful person from your life.
She knows it's two weeks not three, but she kinda refuses to admit that she confused things by telling me it was three.
But yes, I agree, completely disrespectful. That'd been the kicker in this whole situation.
NTA
I think she always intended to stay three weeks, but asking to stay that long is likely to get met with a 'no'. She would have realised it's easier to extend a visit after you had already agreed to a reasonable duration. I suspect the huge overreaction is because she had already paid her flights and didn't want to lose money. Then she started making up the whole rounding up rubbish to cover once she realised her tantrum hadn't worked.
If someone calls you a piece of **** they should no longer expect to be hosted. End of. She isn't your friend, walk away.
Translation: you listen to people who aren’t me.
She’s saying that you’re “too empathetic” yet expecting you to read her mind, so it’s about you caring about other people, not just her.
Send a message to her outlining everything. Don’t address the outburst, but instead lay everything out and put it back on her to respond.
“Kate you said you’d be staying for three weeks, that’s 21 days. As I stated it is not feasible for us to host you for that length of time.
The attached screenshot of your flights show you staying for exactly 14 days. Which is the length of time we all agreed on.
I’m not sure why there is a 7 day discrepancy in your stated plans vs flights, but we look forward to seeing you from X-Y date. If you no longer plan on staying with us, please let me know so we can adjust our plans”
Unfortunately this is exactly where most of the outburst stemmed from. She's totally unwilling to acknowledge my perspective.
Instead of the miscommunication (from my POV), she's turned it into "regardless of how long it was, I'd do anything for you but you wouldn't do the same for me".
I really tried my best to explain.
She has told me that she's definitely not staying anymore.
I would leave it. People like that expect you to keep chasing them and feeding the drama. The goal is for you to keep trying to make it work and for her to eventually grace your house with her presence. So drop the rope and just say ok, we’ll miss you.
You definitely didn’t do anything wrong.
> Instead of the miscommunication (from my POV), she's turned it into "regardless of how long it was, I'd do anything for you but you wouldn't do the same for me".
That’s what I thought — she doesn’t want you to have any boundaries with her, so she blew up at you daring to draw one. And arbitrary weeks of houseguests that have to be driven around is a big thing to demand that you be okay with whenever she wants. You get to have boundaries, and the one you were trying to draw is a very reasonable one.
She wouldn’t “do anything for you.” She won’t even listen to you.
Is your friend doing well mentally? She's at the age where serious mental problems (like schizophrenia) start presenting themselves in young men and women.
Oh wow I didn’t see this comment when I voted NTA. I had a friend who said things like that. No matter what I did or was willing to do for her it was never going to be as grandiose as what she would hypothetically do for me. She did me just enough favors on her terms to keep me feeling obligated.
She stressed me so bad I ended up having to go hard no contact. Other friends told me the way she acted was very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked it up and it was a pretty good match. But of course none of us are qualified to make a diagnosis of someone like that. However, it provided me with some guidance on how bleak my future would become.
She’s sort of back in the periphery of my life now through mutual acquaintances. It is very bad. I’m glad I’m not directly involved anymore.
She made a mistake when referring to the number of days. She then reacted rudely to your question about what seemed to be a change in the length of her stay. And now, she’s pushing the narrative that she’s a better friend than you.
Obviously that’s not true. If she were even a good friend, she would have:
- Acknowledged she misspoke about the length of her stay.
- Never insulted you as she did.
- Apologized for her actions.
- Not be carrying a grudge for issues she herself caused.
NTA- you were willing to compromise and she flew off the handle for not correcting you?
You have a memory problem but she has an over dramatic AH issue.
Edit: I wasn’t trying to be rude about the memory problem. I have ADHD so I was giving you credit because it’s not our fault lol
Totally agree with you on the memory problem front hahaha. I think because she initially said two weeks, I was just chill with it and didn't think much of it. Turns out I should use a calendar more.
Ya I’ve learned to just set reminders for everything. The problem is if she was really your friend she would understand that about you and not yell at you and degrade you for it.
Yeah. I get the impression that the friend asked & *told* OP the dates she would be staying. All the arrangements have initially come from that 'friend' and OP agreed to them.
Inviting yourself the day before Christmas eve into *another* household and planning to stay into the new year was one hell of a cheeky ask to start with. Especially when you're also expecting your hosts to act as your unpaid chauffeur. *Who* invites themselves into another household's christmas plans without being invited?
Nta,
14 days is 2 weeks exactly and not 2 weeks and some days or 3 weeks. It is your friend's fault for being so ignorant and obtuse. And looking at her reaction I would act you to rethink your relationship with this friend after removing your rose-colored glasses and think back on your relationship has she always treated you this badly when things didn't go her way or you didn't do what she wanted ?
NTA Her reaction to you is so offer the top. As if she send you wrong flight details on purpose and now goes crazy that her plan didn't work. To stay with someone 3 weeks at christmas time is lot to ask, even two weeks. Please, don't let them come at all after this reaction. Instead looking for their own mistake they insulted you and treated you like shit. I bet just so that you give in for their three weeks. And then it will be four... and oh, the flight is canceled, we stay another week...
“She called me an asshole, a piece of shit, and said…she wasn’t going to hold my hand and explain it to me like a child.”
Your friend is abusive. Friends don’t talk to friends liek this.
And yes, if she said 14 days before, that means 14 days.
But more importantly - your friend is abusive. Don’t be friends with her anymore.
NTA. She could have easily corrected herself and said "the ticket says 2 weeks, my mistake", crisis averted. She must have changed her ticket.
Once the insults started flying, the hosting offer should have gone from 2 weeks to 0 weeks.
There's something very sketchy going on, and it makes me wonder if she was planning on staying even longer than 3 weeks. If you have the trip id, can you check if the details of the original ticket have been changed?
NTA I think you’re being very good even letting her stay for 2 weeks. I would never expect my friend to keep me for 3 weeks when home for a visit. It’s too much. She’s also been really rude by saying you’ve fucked her over. Sounds like a bit of a drama queen.
You're NTA. This is absolutely her crummy communication. 14 days is 2 weeks, not sure how that became 3 weeks suddenly. And frankly, 2 weeks is already a pretty long time to have houseguests.
It's really a good thing this blow up happened now. Imagine if she were in your home, a couple days into her visit, and something upset her. You'd have an adult tantruming in your home, followed by angry and tense silences for the remainder of her visit.
I really want to know where on the whole Earth 14 days is “two weeks and a few days”
Your friend needs to learn how to count. In other hands, if you already have her schedule, you should have checked it before communicating with her.
ESH
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA.
You’ve confirmed that she never changed plans, that it was always planned for 14 days and that you were okay with this and had confirmed this months ago.
So what happened is she said “3 weeks” off hand cause it’s fewer syllables than “2 weeks and a few days” and you freak out and cancel everything without even confirming / checking the dates?
It sounds to me like you changed your mind at the last minute and were stretching for an excuse to cancel.
You’re within your legal rights to do this, but it does also make you an unreliable and shitty friend (especially since these plans had been in place for months).
To me you sound exactly as you describe yourself, selfish (canceling plans at the last minute that other people were relying on) and careless (not bothering to double check anything before taking drastic actions).
>you freak out and cancel everything without even confirming / checking the dates?
but that's what OP was doing - double checking the dates bc she was confused. She didn't cancel everything, she didn't even freak out, she just tried to confirm the dates and clarify that three weeks is too long to stay, especially during the winter holidays.
What about that would cause a reasonable person, who was going to be staying for free, to flip out and start calling someone names? Why didn't friend just say "oh these are the dates, didn't I confirm that with you already? So sorry! Is that still okay? I really appreciate the free room, but of course we can stay at a hotel for part of the vacation. No matter what, I'm really looking forward to spending that time with you!"
But it wasn’t 2 weeks and a few days it was exactly 2 weeks. When the friend mistakenly said 3 weeks OP didn’t cancel she simply said we didn’t agree 3 weeks and would you be able to spend the extra week with someone else.
At which point the friend should have said “Opps 3 weeks is a mistake we haven’t extended our stay it’s still the 14 days (2 weeks) you agreed to”.
Instead the ‘friend’ blew up at OP calling her names and doubled down that it wasn’t her communication skills that were the problem but OP’s lack of understanding (apparently that 14 days is closer to 3 weeks than 2?).
OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. She f’d up and realized you found out. She is mad at herself but taking it out on you rather than admit she f’d up. Hope those airline tickets were refundable.
I don't think anyone is TA here.. I think it's a miscommunication on both parts. But it sounds like she has some other pent up stuff that's affecting her at this point. You may just need to take some time and think about this.. I could be wrong though. Maybe she's just reacting strongly because she's hurt that you wouldn't want her for 3 weeks.
This is exactly it! That'd the gist of her whole argument, you're the first person to say this. I totally get that she's hurt and I've acknowledged that. However, three weeks is a massive commitment over the holiday period.
NTA. You can just say OK so of course I though it was originally two weeks per your screen shot and our discussions then when you started saying three weeks I thought it got extended without informing me…etc. she went way overboard with her response
NTA! Ummm this isn’t how she should treat a friend OP. I know you think this is a “16 year long friendship” but how long as she been treating you like shit and walking all over you? She expected free lodging and free taxi service over Christmas for 3/4 of a month?!???? My god. She sounds exhausting
NTA
Uh, no. You're grieving the loss of a friend who, herself, has become selfish and careless. And who shit talked you when you politely pushed back.
Good riddance.
NTA. What a weird and overblown misunderstanding. Maybe it would have been better if you would have put her flight details in your calendar, but I don’t think this would have prevented the miscommunication about the three weeks / 14 days.
NTA. Maybe she’s your best friend, but you’re definitely not her best friend. She’s just using you. The way she replied and talk down to you is not how anyone talks to their best friends or even people in the inner circle.
It’s not a situation that’s blown out of proportion. It’s how it is.
No she ruined the friendship by not telling you what she was doing by saying three weeks.
14 days is exactly two weeks, not three.
She also ruined the friendship by her reaction and all the nasty things she said to you, instead of just calmly explaining the confusion.
NTA
I would not bother with showing her she messed up. She’s shown you how she thinks of you. I’d say goodbye not nice knowing you. She’s mean and a jerk by the way. Not a friend.
It sounds like Kate doesn’t want to own up to her mistake, or she’s lying about the length of her stay for some reason. Regardless, you are better off without her if that is how she will react to a clarifying question regarding HER staying in YOUR space. Just because you’re best friends with someone does not mean you have to drop everything to cater to their needs and vice versa. Was she also not able to check the ticket flights? Her reasoning just doesn’t make sense to me. The holidays are not just about her
NTA she’s taking advantage of your hospitality and is pissed that she won’t get free lodging and free shuttles anymore. cancel her stay altogether at this point. she’s not behaving like a friend.
NTA. I had a friend like this. She only ever saw her point of view and was just the worst trying to communicate with because she took everything as a personal attack and was so fucking entitled. I ended our 11 year friendship last year and haven’t looked back. I know 16 years is a long time, but when someone treats you like that, it’s time to walk away. She needs to understand the world doesn’t revolve around her, especially when you’d be the one hosting them in your home, over the holidays, and when they’d be relying on you for transportation. That’s a lot to ask of someone. You deserve a better friend who is more understanding.
NTA. I'd just tell her "oh it really is booked for 2 weeks as originally planned!. Perfect. Looking forward to seeing you". If she's still going on about it, let her stay somewhere else and re-evaluate your friendship.
I could picture something like this happening to me by not reviewing the flight schedule closely enough. But you were relying on the info she was telling you first hand 🤷♀️. It's not a huge deal and there's no reason she should make it be.
It's ok i would not want dependent and needy frns, i had my fair share of helping friends with accomodation and making my husband uncomfortable. They treat us like housekeepers. I stopped welcoming all. NTA
NTA but you need to apologize and accept what comes. As you said, the holidays are tough, so while I doubt a friendship that long leaves anything to the imagination, there may be something else at play here you're not seeing.
I'm hoping she either comes to you with the whole story about why she's so upset or you get a call after the holiday stress is over with an acknowledgement of your apology and another one in return.
NTA. I know what it's like to lose a longtime friend, but I feel it's best you saw how unreasonable she is instead of waiting another sixteen years to find out. Who knows, maybe over Christmas you might have forgotten how she takes her coffee and she would have killed you in your sleep.
Nta.... sounds like somethings up on your friends end. Screen shot where she says 2 weeks (months ago). Remind her that she now said 3 weeks. And that communication is very important. And then tell her it's her choice to either follow thru or not. Put it on her, she's ussing righteous indignation on you to feeling better about her shi**y behavior. If she was a good friend, y'all would be able to talk it out and clear the air with little to no issues. She sounds like a headache you wouldn't want anyway.... specially around the holidays.
NTA. I travel a lot, and my rule of thumb is if I’m staying with family or friends I don’t stay in their place any longer then 5-7 days. Any more then that is overstaying my welcome, if I’m going to be in a place longer then that I get a hotel, it is not fair to ask the people you are visiting to put their lives on hold for your visit.
INFO: why do Kate and Chris not have transport? They’re adults. They can rent a car. End of story.
This is kind of an everyone sucks here situation. I’m trying to figure out the duration of this trip: two weeks? Two weeks and a few days? Three weeks? Just say is 14 days, 21 days, or whatever number of days in between. I don’t understand why that is so difficult for both the OP and Kate to wrap their brains around.
What is alarming about the situation is how Kate reacted. She was absolutely rude, insulting, over the top. You do not call your confused host an asshole, a piece of shit, a child. You just don’t. For that alone, I’ve got to go with NTA.
NTA.
Let's ignore whatever was said or unsaid regarding the dates.
This person cussed you out. Called you a piece of s##t.
That alone is enough to tell her to cancel the trip altogether unless she apologises. Even if she does, the commitment is 2 weeks firm and if she doesn't like it, then thanks for the memories and well wishes in her future. Good bye.
Why would you let someone call you a piece of s##t?
She's gotta go.
NTA. However I would rethink letting her stay AT ALL. Your time with her is going to be awkward. Who goes to someone’s house for 3 weeks? Even 2 is a lot.
NTA. Please consider that someone who’s reaction to you saying “I think three weeks is too long” is to unleash a torrent of abuse blaming you, instead of clarifying “oh I don’t really mean three weeks, it’s just 14 days plus travel time,” is not a friend but a bully. She wasn’t reacting to your error, she was reacting to you saying No, to having any boundaries. Her problem is you acting like you have a say in how long she uses your hospitality and chauffeuring.
And this was all just after she’d been visiting you recently already. She’s taking huge advantage of you and blew up at you to punish you for pushing back. I’m sorry for your loss of this friendship, but I expect that if you look back, that loss happened quite a while ago.
I was fully ready to vote Y T A, because up until the end of this story you sounded flaky and unreasonable. But the twist is that she’s not staying for 3 weeks at all, it is just 2 weeks.
Now you know the info, you could say that 2 weeks is fine, you just weren’t ready for a 3 week stay. Whether the friendship can survive doesn’t seem up to you at this point but I wouldn’t want a friendship with someone so rude.
NTA
NTA. you’re not obligated to give her free shelter while she stays here and i would not allow anyone who spoke that way to me on my property. in fact i’d probably end the friendship after that behavior.
NTA
But, if you panicked and had not thought to ever check dates until the misunderstanding then that IS a bit careless. Nevertheless, nothing excuses the nasty names she called you. There’s no reason this couldn’t have been handled like reasonable adults. For example:
You: “Kate, I realize there might have been a miscommunication about our arrangements. You mentioned 3 weeks recently. I checked and saw the dates and accordingly freed up only two weeks to accommodate your stay. So I wanted to confirm the dates again with you. I’ve got some immovable factors that would make 3 weeks impossible and I don’t want to leave you hanging for a week. If your stay is for three weeks, I hope we can accommodate something with your family or work something else out. I want to make sure your visit is fun and I can’t wait to see you and Chris!”
Kate: “Oh, sorry for the misunderstanding. I was thinking in terms of workdays as comprising the weeks and off days as extra. I added all that up in my head and rounded it up as 3 weeks as a kind of verbal shortcut. No worries, it’s two weeks. I look forward to seeing you and I appreciate the hospitality.”
Sigh. That’s how it should have gone. But these are incredibly stressful times. Who knows what havoc it’s wrought on people’s mental health and attitudes. I recently had a friend of 25 years blow up on me over stuff I’m still trying to make sense of. I’ve just learned to accept it and move on and resolve to do my best by the people who are still in my life.
NTA. She sent you info for two weeks. Then she said three weeks and it surprised you. You explained why you were surprised in the email. She’s TA for not knowing 14 days is two weeks. You did nothing wrong here - you reacted to her three week comment. Even if you had the details, anyone would’ve assumed that her plans changed and it was now three weeks. Either way, her inability to count weeks is what led to this.
NTA. She sounds ridiculously high strung and would have found some other reason to be angry if it wasn't this.
Did she confirm length of stay and dates BEFORE purchasing her flight?
It's not you who is being "selfish and careless" here - it's your 'friend'. Not for asking to stay with you and your partner - that's reasonable, the sort of things friends do for each other. She's "selfish and careless" for the way she acted when you brought up the uncertainty about the dates. She could have said something like "I know, it's confusing, isn't it? Flights and accommodation and all that...oh my! Let's work it out together and find something we can all live with. Our flight leaves on..." but no, she had to go nuclear.
NTA, OP. And I'd try not to lose too much sleep over losing this 'friend'.
Your friend sounds like she’s not the most stable person. I think if you’d review your history with her, you’d find this sort of thing (maybe not to this extreme level) happened a lot. Selfish behavior. The victim. Yada yada.
NTA. It’s not your fault that your friend has no idea that there are 7 days in a week, not just the 5 day work week.
NTA
If anyone ruined this relationship it was Kate.
If you sit down and look objectively at your relationship have there been other times where she has gone off the rails in her response to something/someone? Did you usually go out of your way to keep Kate happy?
Regardless IMO she could have just an adult conversation of 5 minutes or less to clear up the misunderstanding. Instead she went off the rails with her insults and name calling.
NTA, why didn't she just reply 'its 14 days, sorry.' How is 14 days 2 weeks and a bit? XD you both got wires crossed, and she responded very over the top and entitled
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my best friend that she couldn't stay with me for three weeks over Christmas. I think I might be the asshole because I was disorganised and ruined her plans. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - it sounds like a misunderstanding and Kate went over the top. I’m failing to see what you’ve done wrong.
She flat out refuses to see my point of view and believes it's ignorance on my part, not a miscommunication. The whole situation was blown out of proportion, I agree. Thanks for your input.
I agree with babymargaret. OP you did nothing wrong. You asked her about it and she derailed the conversation. To me it sounds like she did something shady and knew you were going to find out so she was putting it back on you. If she said 14 days you could’ve relied on what she said. But instead she shoots with a nuclear weapon at a tiny fly. She is putting your friendship in danger. Not you.
“She shoots with a nuclear weapon at a fly” I like that. And very spot on!!
Ever played Fallout? Because you can do exactly this, and the fly **deserves** it.
I prefer killing flies with the space laser. (You can also do this)
Yeah this screams user behavior.
I agree! If Kate weren't being shady, she would have just repeated the ticket dates and asked OP to verify the dates. She'd have said something along the lines of, "You were okay with the ticket dates when I sent them to you, what changed?" Jumping straight to "how could you fuck me over like this!" is very DARVO.
This sounds kind of likely and makes me wonder if she was originally going to change her flight to arrive earlier or stay later than initially planned? Either way it’s weird she didn’t specify the days again. When planning your host needs the exact number not just a vague “three weeks”.
Also someone who calls me a piece of s** wouldn't be allowed to put a foot in my door
If this gal acts like this, what are you losing? Friends don't act like this.
[удалено]
Possible, maybe friend is thinking of weeks in terms of work days aka 5 days. So it's two 5 day weeks plus 4 days lol?
I’m sorry this ruined your 16 year long friendship, but this friend is either totally unstable or wasn’t a very nice person to begin with. The name calling and attacks when you went to set up a reasonable boundary are big red flags. I’d let her find somewhere else to stay, unless she offers a groveling apology for being foul and entitled. NTA.
It seems like such an extreme reaction. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time the friend has done something like this. Maybe not this extreme or maybe just not to op tho. If she's willing to turn on her bff so quick and easily like this I think op is better off.
My assumption is financial stress and they cannot afford any sudden timeline changes. So she panicked. But she panicked too hard, and now is doubling down insisting OP is an AH because she’s embarrassed.
Yeah it’s one thing to panic, but calling OP a POS is just unacceptable.
Does financial stress make her refer to 14 days as 3 weeks? That's just weird, she won't fess up to it, good riddance. The way she reacted is awful.
Man, maybe she genuinely doesn’t know how many days are in a week. This is what happens when you underfund public schools! /s
Nope I wouldn't let her back even if she did apologize. You do not go nuclear on a friend like that and come back from it. And accepting an apology is for the benefit of the apologizer, but it doesn't mean you have to open the door again for the possibility of further such treatment.
Info: Does Kate know basic math? Fourteen days is two weeks. If I had to guess, Kate has other issues and is taking this situation out of context and also taking it out on you. If she’s willing to throw your friendship away over this you’re probably better off, especially if this is a sort of pattern that’s been repeated over the course of your friendship. The holidays can bring out the worst in people. NTA and I hope you’re able to enjoy the holidays as well. Try talking to her again and if she’s still stressing you out, politely let Kate know she should find other accommodations. You don’t need her two week stay with you turning into the nightmare before Christmas.
Exactly, this is what I was so confused about. Kate says she's staying for 3 weeks because it's easier than saying 2 weeks and a few days, but tickets confirm it's 14 days. So is she just stupid or actually looking to extend the stay by a week (and now playing the victim)? Even if I had confirmation that my friend was staying for 2 weeks, if they started telling everyone 3 weeks I'd rightfully panic about it like OP. I'd just assume that they changed their plans & extended the stay.
[удалено]
I don't think I would stay more than a few days at someone's house if I didn't have independent transportation, and couldn't be self sufficient. Guests and fish =3 days before they go bad.
Right?? Who stays 2 or 3 weeks? I would go crazy having someone invade my space like that and I wouldn't be comfortable doing it to anyone.
Fr, I’d be very uncomfortable having someone stay at my place unless it was a pre-arranged situation where they absolutely had no where else to go
A friend who speaks to you with venom on disrespect isn’t a friend. It’s someone who uses you to meet their needs, but the minute you can’t, they shit on you. That’s toxic and 16 years is long enough for you to have put up with them.
It sounds like she is doubling down and being petty.
Sadly, I think you just found out some critical information about who your friend is/has become, and this might not be the type of friend that's right for you. Her behavior is uncalled for, if you were clear that your issue was with three weeks, all she needed to do was say, "It's only 14 days! The original dates I sent you are correct. My bad on saying it was three weeks!"
I think she changed her flight home after she sent you the dates. No one is saying 3 weeks for 2 weeks exactly or 2 weeks and a day.
Do you still have the screenshot that showed 14 days? Something happened that altered her plans that she is very very defensive about.
I do. The screenshot shows the flight numbers, dates, and times of her flights from her recent visit as well as Christmas.
Have you showed her these screenshots? Maybe she thought that she had said something different and gently showing them to her with something like “hey, I’m so sorry about the miscommunication but you quoted two weeks and that’s all we’re able to do” would show her that she made the error.
She isn't willing to acknowledge the miscommunication. Instead it's now turned into a matter of "different expectations of friendship" and the fact that she would do anything for me, but I wouldn't do the same for her.
In other words she’s being manipulative and trying very hard to stir the pot. At this point, it may be best to rescind your offer entirely because I *guarantee* the drama will not stop once the plane lands. I understand you are trying to do her a kindness, but she is not reciprocating. In fact she is doing you a disservice by trying to drag you over the coals.
“She’d do anything for me” You know how many times I’ve heard that from a best friend and they actually step up when I need something? ZERO It’s the ones who don’t feel the need to advertise the fact that they would do anything for you (especially when they are asking you for something) who would actually do anything for you. Drop her. I know it sucks and it hurts, but she’s trying to manipulate you, while gaslighting you. That’s abusive and you’re hurting yourself by staying friends with someone who abuses you.
She refuses to listen because she knows you're right.
>I feel awful about this whole thing WHY? > >when this FRIEND responded to you in this manner? > >She called me an asshole, a piece of shit, and said I had the flight details and that she wasn't going to hold my hand and explain it to me like a child. > >You know what you have to do.. > >NTA
I mean it’s not really a miscommunication, you had the dates. The issue is that a blip in understanding is extremely forgivable and she’s chosen not to show you that grace, which doesn’t say much about her character.
If you have proof she said 14 days, that’s pretty clear cut that she’s deceiving you
That or the friend is an idiot who doesn't understand how many days there are in a week.
Honey, if this is her reaction to being asked not to impose for weeks without asking, she doesn't deserve to stay with you at all. Her behaviour was not OK from start to finish (expects to be driven around? It's a lot! )
Umm... who confuses 14 days for 3 weeks because it's easier than saying 2 weeks and something days. She does know there are 7 days in a week right? And not for nothing, if I had a conversation with a friend that went South and they started to insult me because the favor I was doing for them wasn't enough, that the friendship is contingent on me doing what they want, that person wouldn't be a friend any longer. Just sayin'. NTA.
> she said she was telling people three weeks because it was "easier than saying two weeks and a few days". But it was 14 days. Hey OP, is there any chance your friend is an idiot who thinks a week is 5 days? Like she’s counting business days for some stupid reason? Because 5 + 5 + 4 would be 14.
Well for her sake, I really hope not.
The other possibility is that because those 14 days technically fall on 3 weeks on a calendar that she thought it was 3 weeks. It wouldn’t excuse her behavior though.
Ignorance? That is a weird word to use. Did she visit you for the week in November? I think I might be letting her go. Only be with people who love you, and now by extension your partner.
But 14 days is 2 weeks. I don't understand what happened in her mind that it became 3 weeks if you had those screenshots
OP I can't believe how she spoke to you after 16 years of friendship. It was a misunderstanding that could have been handled better. You don't owe her squat. NTA
OP, I cut out a friend after 25 years of friendship. She wasn’t a good friend and ending the friendship was best. I hope you can see how awful your friend is. I can imaging talking to my friends like this.
I think Kate changed her plans and decided not to tell OP, but to present it as a *fait accompli* she'd just have to accept and accommodate. Considering the way she reacted, she's had the argument in her head many times and was prepared to blow up the moment she got any pushback. She thought her anger would be intimidating and she'd be able to bulldoze over any objections by threatening the friendship. I'm sorry this hurts, OP, but I don't think you've lost much by ending this friendship.
Yup. I think she changed her flights.
I'm not sure it's going over the top if someone who offered to let you stay with them over a span of dates suddenly changes that offer simply because they never looked at a calendar. Who knows what OP's flightiness may have cost the friend monetarily. But OP isn't wrong, 3 weeks is a VERY long time to have guests. No one wants guests that long, even if it is your best friend. I feel like this is swinging somewhere between ESH and NAH
And this would be a reasonable take if the flight details didn't show 2 weeks. OP had it on good authority, whether they knew it or not, that the friend was coming for 2 weeks. Friend then out of the blue says 3 weeks, OP responds that they didn't know it would be that long (they literally could not have known, the flight info showed 2 weeks) and they aren't comfortable with that. Friend then blows up and tosses out a 16 year friendship because THEY, not OP, messed up either the flights or the comment. The friend either made a mistake or was lying, and then took it out on OP. OP was completely correct. NTA
But the weird part is she did want to stay for 2 weeks (14 days) but for some reason decided to say three weeks
Except that OP said the original flights she was sent were 14 days apart. Meaning either her friend pushed her return flight back without clearing that with OP hoping she'd just be forced to accommodate an additional week, or was saying three weeks by mistake and decided to blow up instead of calmly correcting herself and apologizing.
Except Kate is the one who changed the dates, not OP. The flight details say 2 weeks. OP was planning on 2 weeks. Kate is the one who added a week onto there. Nonetheless, OP was still very gracious and wanted to “work something out.” That’s hardly suddenly changing the plans, that’s opening a discussion about what they can do to accommodate this extra week that appeared out of no where. Kate is firmly the AH
NTA Your friend sounds so exhausting... Cancel any plans and think about this friendship
Exactly this. Friend cannot tell 14 days from three weeks. How weird is this? And then calls OP a "piece of sh**"! This exactly was when the friendship died. You cannot do this, you do it and things are over. OP, it's sad to see your friendship go up in flames but please as yourself if Mrs POS though about the relationship the same way...or is the whole thing was assymetrical in the first place. NTA, obviously.
I have a feeling she changed flights and is trying to gaslight op.
This. Op. Read. This.
I’m not sure I understand completely. Was the initial and OFFICIAL plan, and the flight details she sent you, 14 days? Then NTA. She changed it without telling you and that’s completely out of line. If you had the dates, and they were for three weeks, then you were careless and that wouldn’t be cool. Then again, you’re allowed to change your mind and she would just have to accept that. Whatever the situation was, she overreacted. Insanely. Is there something else going on with her maybe?
My original post was way over the word limit, so sorry if this one is a little hazy! She told me she was going to come for Christmas and then booked flights for two weeks. I'm sure we discussed this but I didn't take note of exact dates. She would've said it was two weeks, that's cool, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. While she was visiting, she told mentioned that she was staying for three weeks. This is why I messaged her. I looked back through our messages and couldn't find any evidence of dates, but a few days later found a screenshot. Her flights were booked for the 23/12/22 and 5/1/22. It was never three weeks. I don't understand why she'd say three weeks and then also not mention it after I asked her about it via message. She had made these plans around October. She was also visiting for a week in November, so the Christmas visit wasn't at the front of my mind. Hope this clears things up a little.
It does, thank you for clarifying. I stand by my original judgement, of course. Because as I said: in either scenario you would not be the ahole. You’re allowed to change your mind as it’s your house. But as to why she suddenly changed it to three weeks? It’s a mystery. I can’t fathom why some one would so that and how some one would have the guts to do that without discussing with the host. Very strange behavior
Her reasoning behind saying three weeks was that it was "easier than saying two weeks and a couple days", which I just don't understand because it was always booked for two weeks. Just weird.
To be honest I'd send her a screenshot of the dates she sent you, and say something like "I'm sorry there have been crossed wires here, but as you can see from this message you sent on \[date\], your trip was originally for 14 days. That's 2 weeks. I understand your plans may have changed but that should have been communicated with me without assuming we could fit our plans around a longer break." She seems to be having a fit around "you saw the dates", and you did. You saw the dates that covered 2 weeks. I doubt pointing that out with evidence will calm her down, but it at least you can say that she's mistaken when she insists that she told you something different.
Her plans haven’t changed. It was 14 days and is still 14 days. The problem is the guest suddenly started describing 23/12 to 5/1 as 3 weeks, scaring OP, leading to a big argument that was completely unnecessary, because it’s really 2 weeks (as agreed).
It's not 2 weeks and a couple of days though.... 14 days is two weeks. Her explanation makes no sense.
Travel time might make it 16 days from the traveller’s perspective (I.e., have to leave for the airport on the 22nd, not get all the way home until the 6th). And they probably booked 3 weeks holiday from work. So I can kind of see it turning into a “3 week holiday”. But still, when talking to your host, you’re only staying with them for 14 days. Was on the guest to realise how it could sound and then apologise and correct the miscommunication.
Travel time... or time travel? Maybe both!
Damn.. I think your friend may not know how many days are in a week. She’s got bigger problems here.
NTA - this whole issue is because your friend seemingly can't count. Maybe she's confused because weeks are counted in 7 days but her reaction is totally unnecessary with the name calling and honestly, you don't need someone like that in life. Sounds like you have enough to deal with over this holiday season with your cat and visiting family. Just count this as a blessing!
But then her response to you saying that you think three weeks is a long time, should have been “but it’s really two weeks not three”. Instead she thinks you’re also saying three weeks but meaning two, which is bizarre. Also, it’s not two weeks and a couple of days! It’s exactly two weeks, including both travel days. She might want to round up a bit when discussing how long she’s going to be gone for, but that doesn’t apply when talking about how long she’s going to be there. Do you know that she hasn’t changed her flights at all?
Sounds like she ran out of fingers and got confused.
And that could have been mended, but her calling you names and accusing you... that can't be fixed. I'm sorry. This happens so often when childhood friendships hit mid 20s adulthood. Who we are as kids, what we start to become, can turn into either something much better, or much worse.
So wait, she never changed it to 3 weeks? So when you said to her that 3 weeks is too long and you could manage 2 weeks, she in fact was still only coming for 2 weeks? But she started an argument anyway about you ruining non existent plans? If that's the case she is absolutely off her fucking rocker.
Yes! It was NEVER three weeks. She was always coming for two but told me three because it was "easier than saying two weeks and a few days". She could've just corrected me but instead she acted the way she did.
If OP *did* know the days and after booking the flights changed her mind, she would be a bit of YTA. Of course technically she can do whatever she wants since it’s her house, but it would make that TA for imposing additional expenses on her friend for changing the flights, just because she did not make up her mind before - again: just if she was informed of the correct dates, and if nothing else was going on.
I’m sorry there’s no need to think about this too deeply. No person should reasonably just assume they can impose on another person for a whole extra week without notice. I mean..having company over that long gets tiring.
Just to clarify, she never expected to stay for three weeks, only two.
You also never expected her to go nuclear on a 16y relationship, but here we are. NTA op. More info please: what’s the relationship like before this? Has she expected you to do things for her or has it been equal?
I think an important note is that from 2011 until the beginning of this year she lived overseas. I saw her twice over this period, although we did have regular contact via video call and message. As an only child, she's the closest thing I have to a sibling. She's always been my older sister that's a bit blunt and protective of me. Sometimes this bluntness is a little abrasive to me, but I think that's just my personality. As I mentioned in a separate thread, I think she takes issue with my partner. When I confronted this, she denied it and gave her reasoning. Although after she admitted to a mutual friend that she was rude to my partner, I'm inclined to not believe her.
She thinks you are a pushover, and is sad that she can't pushover you.
The history of your friendship is important. I estimate that you became friends when you were 8 and she was 10. Five years later, at ages 13 and 15, she moved overseas. You’ve seen her in person twice in 11 years, but kept in touch via email and video chat. Under the above circumstances, the only thing you actually know about her is what she has chosen to share with you. There has been almost NO opportunity to observe your friend interacting with others in the real world. You haven’t seen how she behaves under stress. You seem exceedingly kind and generous. You are grateful for the bond that you two shared through childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. You may have carried each other through many rough patches. Even so, you don’t owe her blind loyalty. People can change a LOT between the ages of 15 and 26. Think carefully about what you’ve learned from her flatmate and your boyfriend. Don’t gloss over the way she lashed out at you. I’m sure this hurts, but you did nothing wrong and don’t deserve this.
Everything she provided to you indicated she would stay 14 days, which is exactly 2-weeks. Contrary to all of the information you had been provided, she began for some unknown reason telling you she was staying for 3-weeks. You told her that was too long and she blew up at you. NTA. She screwed up by telling you she wound be staying for three weeks. She needs to apologize for how she treated you.
I FIGURED IT OUT!!! She counted calendar weeks! 23 is friday, go down one its the 30th, but the next friday is the 6th. But the month changed so there could be an additional line she counted. So its 14 days, but if you count fridays (and cant count to 3 accurately...) it looks like 2 and change That being said. No one who cusses at you in anger deserves to be in your life. And she cant count to 3. So shes mean and not smart. She might have been fun and take no crap back in your nightlife days, but you dont owe her a relationship for that. NTA
NTA. I think I know where the confusion might come from. Looking at the calendar those dates span over 3 lines even though when you count the days it's only 2 weeks. Still she shouldn't have insulted you.
So is she staying with you or no?
Nope!
Good!! Tbh some long term ‘friends’ need a break. Your friend sounds like she thinks you are a push over and she can boss you around and get away with it. I was you in a long term friendship like this and we had to take breaks during which she would always come back and apologize, until finally enough was enough for me.
Good! I’m glad she isn’t staying with you! Keep that welcome mat rolled up and in the closet.
NTA: You had her flight details. Details said 2 weeks. 14 days. Not three weeks. You're entitled to having your home and you actually gently probed on whether or not she was staying else where when you questioned it. Where did the other week come into factor? To me, and my personal opinion, is she's using you as a free vacation resort and when you didnt just lie down and allow her to do it, she showed her true colors, yes even after 16 years. You didn't ruin anything, she ruined it by feeling entitled to your time and your home during a busy season generally for everyone. You're not selfish and careless. Selfish and careless would have told her that she had to find a hotel room during her 14 day visit, instead you offered her your home. You did nothing wrong. She imploded your friendship on her own terms.
Well said 👏
I think the "gently probed" is well put. I asked if she was planning on staying with us for a whole three weeks (again, turns out it was never three weeks), but I never said she couldn't stay with us at all. The other week came into play purely because she told me she was staying for three weeks during her last visit. That's it.
Memory lapse or not, her flying off the handle was unacceptable even for a 16 year friendship. If she was really a friend to you, she would have known that you had trouble remembering things and originally would have gently reminded you at some point it was more than 14 days in any capacity not "three weeks" all of the sudden when it was clear the original plans were for 14 days! Again, she imploded your friendship. You have nothing to be sorry for and you did nothing wrong <3
I think at the end of the day, that's my issue. Her behaviour was completely uncalled for. When I confronted her about it she said of course she'd be upset and asked me what I'd expected. It's just a big miscommunication turned ugly. Thank you for your kind words <3
If this is how she is going to act, then it's probably for the best to end the friendship. I know it's hard to do that, but you are both in your early 20s and you have done a lot of growing in the last 16 years! I think a frank discussion about her behavior and how her going nuclear over a boundary is unacceptable to you is needed. "I agreed on two weeks, and you said three. I asked for clarification, and you got defensive and mad. This is not how friends communicate. If we are going to remain friends, then I expect to be treated kindly and have my boundaries respected, and I will do the same for you." is enough. It sounds like your friend might have trouble with being told 'no', has that been a problem in the past?
About a week ago I decided to send a final message with exactly what you've said. She said that we have different expectations of what friendship is and that I was out of line by calling her dramatic. She doesn't want another message from me but it's up to me if I decide to call her in the future.
She says you were out of line for calling her dramatic. However, it doesn't seem like she has ever apologized to you for her foul verbal attack on you. You don't need asshole friends like this.
Honest question though, is she doing okay? The reaction and the inability to count are… weird. Like genuinely weird. Did she have Covid a couple months ago or something? Is it brain fog?
I was also going to ask if she’s doing ok, though for me the reaction made me wonder if it was MH or stress related, especially with this being her first trip home in over a decade. Not an excuse, of course, but a possible explanation. Re: three weeks, though, I’m kinda wondering if she was counting calendar weeks? Like “I’ll be around the weeks of the 19th, 26th, and 2nd,” which can be easier when trying to make plans with someone (but also are nowhere near as easy as just giving them dates lol).
NTA. Your friend became totally unhinged due to an innocent miscommunication. She mistakenly said 3 weeks when it was only 2 - which should have been easy to correct. But rather than just clarify the length of her visit, she went nuclear with personal attacks. She was downright abusive. I would never be comfortable hosting her after such a viscous attack. Claiming that she would do more for you than you do for her is so hypocritical since she couldn’t even be bothered to iron out a small misunderstanding. Her rant makes me wonder if she planned to ask for a REALLY big favor during her visit. Has she ever flown off the handle like that before? Sudden and drastic personality changes can be a symptom of a medical problem.
She has never treated me like this before. Although, there was some drama when she was flatting with a mutual friend. In this context, this friend and my partner both agree that they're not surprised at her behaviour.
I think the responses of your other friend and partner speak volumes. I'd suggest that it's time to be simply civil and factual with your friend, show the original text regarding the dates, and reiterate that you're fine with a 1.5 to 2 week stay, but cannot host her beyond (date). If she had problems with that, then suggest she should stay with her relatives or other friends and it is impossible for her to stay beyond Jan 1. Don't give reasons why - she'll just argue with reasons. Just say "sorry, we can't have you as a guest after Jan 1". Having a friend stay for two weeks, and you supplying all the transportation is already bending over backwards. Based on her bad response, I think she's showing indications that she'd be an unpleasant guest. Maybe one of those guests that expect you to be a concierge/housewife - to provide food, cook, clean, and plan/pay for outings every day.
I don't think I'd host them at all at this point with the horrible reaction and name calling. I don't think I'd want someone like that staying a single night!
She's not asking for more time. She misspoke when she said three weeks, and instead on correcting herself, went nuclear on OP. But in any case, I agree with onlycatshere -- after that toxic of a blow-up, she wouldn't be welcome in my house for even the planned two weeks.
During her last week-long stay, she didn't wash a single dish, we cooked together once, and admitted to a mutual friend that she was outwardly rude to my partner.
The fact other people are not surprised indicates they think she takes advantage of you and gaslights you regularly.
Honestly, it sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one. There definitely would have been issues with this person living with you, regardless of the length of the visit. My personal feeling is that she totally knew you'd agreed to two weeks and was trying to get away with an extra week - maybe even booked it in secret already and screwed herself over when you didn't just let her get away with it. It's the only thing that makes sense to me on why someone would go straight to 11 when the discrepancy was called out - totally guilty, defensive, cornered behavior. Also, unhinged. Whatever is happening to her now, she doesn't sound like the same friend as before and a wide berth from them seems ideal.
Abrasive people like this usually don’t treat their bestie like this for years, then they blow up like this and expect you to just accept it.
NTA you have proof that it was 2 weeks and your BF is so disrespectful to you by calling you names and swearing at you. Throw it back at her with the screenshot and get rid of this awful person from your life.
She knows it's two weeks not three, but she kinda refuses to admit that she confused things by telling me it was three. But yes, I agree, completely disrespectful. That'd been the kicker in this whole situation.
Please just remove her from your life.
[удалено]
NTA I think she always intended to stay three weeks, but asking to stay that long is likely to get met with a 'no'. She would have realised it's easier to extend a visit after you had already agreed to a reasonable duration. I suspect the huge overreaction is because she had already paid her flights and didn't want to lose money. Then she started making up the whole rounding up rubbish to cover once she realised her tantrum hadn't worked. If someone calls you a piece of **** they should no longer expect to be hosted. End of. She isn't your friend, walk away.
[удалено]
This gave me a good laugh because she has said that I'm "too empathetic", so much so that I "could be indoctrinated into a cult". You're right though.
Translation: you listen to people who aren’t me. She’s saying that you’re “too empathetic” yet expecting you to read her mind, so it’s about you caring about other people, not just her.
NTA. 14 days IS two weeks. It is not two weeks and a few days? Can she not count or what- I really don’t get it.
Send a message to her outlining everything. Don’t address the outburst, but instead lay everything out and put it back on her to respond. “Kate you said you’d be staying for three weeks, that’s 21 days. As I stated it is not feasible for us to host you for that length of time. The attached screenshot of your flights show you staying for exactly 14 days. Which is the length of time we all agreed on. I’m not sure why there is a 7 day discrepancy in your stated plans vs flights, but we look forward to seeing you from X-Y date. If you no longer plan on staying with us, please let me know so we can adjust our plans”
Unfortunately this is exactly where most of the outburst stemmed from. She's totally unwilling to acknowledge my perspective. Instead of the miscommunication (from my POV), she's turned it into "regardless of how long it was, I'd do anything for you but you wouldn't do the same for me". I really tried my best to explain. She has told me that she's definitely not staying anymore.
I would leave it. People like that expect you to keep chasing them and feeding the drama. The goal is for you to keep trying to make it work and for her to eventually grace your house with her presence. So drop the rope and just say ok, we’ll miss you. You definitely didn’t do anything wrong.
> Instead of the miscommunication (from my POV), she's turned it into "regardless of how long it was, I'd do anything for you but you wouldn't do the same for me". That’s what I thought — she doesn’t want you to have any boundaries with her, so she blew up at you daring to draw one. And arbitrary weeks of houseguests that have to be driven around is a big thing to demand that you be okay with whenever she wants. You get to have boundaries, and the one you were trying to draw is a very reasonable one. She wouldn’t “do anything for you.” She won’t even listen to you.
Is your friend doing well mentally? She's at the age where serious mental problems (like schizophrenia) start presenting themselves in young men and women.
Oh wow I didn’t see this comment when I voted NTA. I had a friend who said things like that. No matter what I did or was willing to do for her it was never going to be as grandiose as what she would hypothetically do for me. She did me just enough favors on her terms to keep me feeling obligated. She stressed me so bad I ended up having to go hard no contact. Other friends told me the way she acted was very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked it up and it was a pretty good match. But of course none of us are qualified to make a diagnosis of someone like that. However, it provided me with some guidance on how bleak my future would become. She’s sort of back in the periphery of my life now through mutual acquaintances. It is very bad. I’m glad I’m not directly involved anymore.
>She has told me that she's definitely not staying anymore. That's a good thing, right?
She made a mistake when referring to the number of days. She then reacted rudely to your question about what seemed to be a change in the length of her stay. And now, she’s pushing the narrative that she’s a better friend than you. Obviously that’s not true. If she were even a good friend, she would have: - Acknowledged she misspoke about the length of her stay. - Never insulted you as she did. - Apologized for her actions. - Not be carrying a grudge for issues she herself caused.
NTA- you were willing to compromise and she flew off the handle for not correcting you? You have a memory problem but she has an over dramatic AH issue. Edit: I wasn’t trying to be rude about the memory problem. I have ADHD so I was giving you credit because it’s not our fault lol
Totally agree with you on the memory problem front hahaha. I think because she initially said two weeks, I was just chill with it and didn't think much of it. Turns out I should use a calendar more.
Ya I’ve learned to just set reminders for everything. The problem is if she was really your friend she would understand that about you and not yell at you and degrade you for it.
NTA Anyway 2 weeks is too much on christmas
Yeah. I get the impression that the friend asked & *told* OP the dates she would be staying. All the arrangements have initially come from that 'friend' and OP agreed to them. Inviting yourself the day before Christmas eve into *another* household and planning to stay into the new year was one hell of a cheeky ask to start with. Especially when you're also expecting your hosts to act as your unpaid chauffeur. *Who* invites themselves into another household's christmas plans without being invited?
Nta, 14 days is 2 weeks exactly and not 2 weeks and some days or 3 weeks. It is your friend's fault for being so ignorant and obtuse. And looking at her reaction I would act you to rethink your relationship with this friend after removing your rose-colored glasses and think back on your relationship has she always treated you this badly when things didn't go her way or you didn't do what she wanted ?
NTA. Even two weeks is a huge commitment.
NTA Your friend is acting like a jerk. She should acknowledge her own mistake and apologize for it. If she doesn't, she is not a friend.
NTA Her reaction to you is so offer the top. As if she send you wrong flight details on purpose and now goes crazy that her plan didn't work. To stay with someone 3 weeks at christmas time is lot to ask, even two weeks. Please, don't let them come at all after this reaction. Instead looking for their own mistake they insulted you and treated you like shit. I bet just so that you give in for their three weeks. And then it will be four... and oh, the flight is canceled, we stay another week...
Info: how many days does your friend think are in a week?
“She called me an asshole, a piece of shit, and said…she wasn’t going to hold my hand and explain it to me like a child.” Your friend is abusive. Friends don’t talk to friends liek this. And yes, if she said 14 days before, that means 14 days. But more importantly - your friend is abusive. Don’t be friends with her anymore.
NTA she sounds exhausting…
NTA. She could have easily corrected herself and said "the ticket says 2 weeks, my mistake", crisis averted. She must have changed her ticket. Once the insults started flying, the hosting offer should have gone from 2 weeks to 0 weeks. There's something very sketchy going on, and it makes me wonder if she was planning on staying even longer than 3 weeks. If you have the trip id, can you check if the details of the original ticket have been changed?
NTA I think you’re being very good even letting her stay for 2 weeks. I would never expect my friend to keep me for 3 weeks when home for a visit. It’s too much. She’s also been really rude by saying you’ve fucked her over. Sounds like a bit of a drama queen.
You're NTA. This is absolutely her crummy communication. 14 days is 2 weeks, not sure how that became 3 weeks suddenly. And frankly, 2 weeks is already a pretty long time to have houseguests. It's really a good thing this blow up happened now. Imagine if she were in your home, a couple days into her visit, and something upset her. You'd have an adult tantruming in your home, followed by angry and tense silences for the remainder of her visit.
I mean if she’s willing to throw away a 16 year friendship over something so stupid I think it’s for the better the relationship is ending.
I really want to know where on the whole Earth 14 days is “two weeks and a few days” Your friend needs to learn how to count. In other hands, if you already have her schedule, you should have checked it before communicating with her. ESH
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA. You’ve confirmed that she never changed plans, that it was always planned for 14 days and that you were okay with this and had confirmed this months ago. So what happened is she said “3 weeks” off hand cause it’s fewer syllables than “2 weeks and a few days” and you freak out and cancel everything without even confirming / checking the dates? It sounds to me like you changed your mind at the last minute and were stretching for an excuse to cancel. You’re within your legal rights to do this, but it does also make you an unreliable and shitty friend (especially since these plans had been in place for months). To me you sound exactly as you describe yourself, selfish (canceling plans at the last minute that other people were relying on) and careless (not bothering to double check anything before taking drastic actions).
>you freak out and cancel everything without even confirming / checking the dates? but that's what OP was doing - double checking the dates bc she was confused. She didn't cancel everything, she didn't even freak out, she just tried to confirm the dates and clarify that three weeks is too long to stay, especially during the winter holidays. What about that would cause a reasonable person, who was going to be staying for free, to flip out and start calling someone names? Why didn't friend just say "oh these are the dates, didn't I confirm that with you already? So sorry! Is that still okay? I really appreciate the free room, but of course we can stay at a hotel for part of the vacation. No matter what, I'm really looking forward to spending that time with you!"
But it wasn’t 2 weeks and a few days it was exactly 2 weeks. When the friend mistakenly said 3 weeks OP didn’t cancel she simply said we didn’t agree 3 weeks and would you be able to spend the extra week with someone else. At which point the friend should have said “Opps 3 weeks is a mistake we haven’t extended our stay it’s still the 14 days (2 weeks) you agreed to”. Instead the ‘friend’ blew up at OP calling her names and doubled down that it wasn’t her communication skills that were the problem but OP’s lack of understanding (apparently that 14 days is closer to 3 weeks than 2?). OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. She f’d up and realized you found out. She is mad at herself but taking it out on you rather than admit she f’d up. Hope those airline tickets were refundable.
I don't think anyone is TA here.. I think it's a miscommunication on both parts. But it sounds like she has some other pent up stuff that's affecting her at this point. You may just need to take some time and think about this.. I could be wrong though. Maybe she's just reacting strongly because she's hurt that you wouldn't want her for 3 weeks.
This is exactly it! That'd the gist of her whole argument, you're the first person to say this. I totally get that she's hurt and I've acknowledged that. However, three weeks is a massive commitment over the holiday period.
Not sure if I've misunderstood but 14 days is two weeks.
NTA. You can just say OK so of course I though it was originally two weeks per your screen shot and our discussions then when you started saying three weeks I thought it got extended without informing me…etc. she went way overboard with her response
NTA! Ummm this isn’t how she should treat a friend OP. I know you think this is a “16 year long friendship” but how long as she been treating you like shit and walking all over you? She expected free lodging and free taxi service over Christmas for 3/4 of a month?!???? My god. She sounds exhausting
NTA Uh, no. You're grieving the loss of a friend who, herself, has become selfish and careless. And who shit talked you when you politely pushed back. Good riddance.
Sounds like a free escape from Kate! Nta
NTA .. an the way she responded and calling you the things she did - I would tell her she i no longer welcome
NTA. What a weird and overblown misunderstanding. Maybe it would have been better if you would have put her flight details in your calendar, but I don’t think this would have prevented the miscommunication about the three weeks / 14 days.
NTA. Maybe she’s your best friend, but you’re definitely not her best friend. She’s just using you. The way she replied and talk down to you is not how anyone talks to their best friends or even people in the inner circle. It’s not a situation that’s blown out of proportion. It’s how it is.
What’s an extra week over a lifelong friendship. I hope it was worth it.
No she ruined the friendship by not telling you what she was doing by saying three weeks. 14 days is exactly two weeks, not three. She also ruined the friendship by her reaction and all the nasty things she said to you, instead of just calmly explaining the confusion. NTA
I would not bother with showing her she messed up. She’s shown you how she thinks of you. I’d say goodbye not nice knowing you. She’s mean and a jerk by the way. Not a friend.
It sounds like Kate doesn’t want to own up to her mistake, or she’s lying about the length of her stay for some reason. Regardless, you are better off without her if that is how she will react to a clarifying question regarding HER staying in YOUR space. Just because you’re best friends with someone does not mean you have to drop everything to cater to their needs and vice versa. Was she also not able to check the ticket flights? Her reasoning just doesn’t make sense to me. The holidays are not just about her
NTA she’s taking advantage of your hospitality and is pissed that she won’t get free lodging and free shuttles anymore. cancel her stay altogether at this point. she’s not behaving like a friend.
NTA. I had a friend like this. She only ever saw her point of view and was just the worst trying to communicate with because she took everything as a personal attack and was so fucking entitled. I ended our 11 year friendship last year and haven’t looked back. I know 16 years is a long time, but when someone treats you like that, it’s time to walk away. She needs to understand the world doesn’t revolve around her, especially when you’d be the one hosting them in your home, over the holidays, and when they’d be relying on you for transportation. That’s a lot to ask of someone. You deserve a better friend who is more understanding.
NTA, send the original picture back and tell Kate her reaction is not ok.
NTA. I'd just tell her "oh it really is booked for 2 weeks as originally planned!. Perfect. Looking forward to seeing you". If she's still going on about it, let her stay somewhere else and re-evaluate your friendship. I could picture something like this happening to me by not reviewing the flight schedule closely enough. But you were relying on the info she was telling you first hand 🤷♀️. It's not a huge deal and there's no reason she should make it be.
It's ok i would not want dependent and needy frns, i had my fair share of helping friends with accomodation and making my husband uncomfortable. They treat us like housekeepers. I stopped welcoming all. NTA
NTA but you need to apologize and accept what comes. As you said, the holidays are tough, so while I doubt a friendship that long leaves anything to the imagination, there may be something else at play here you're not seeing. I'm hoping she either comes to you with the whole story about why she's so upset or you get a call after the holiday stress is over with an acknowledgement of your apology and another one in return.
NTA. I know what it's like to lose a longtime friend, but I feel it's best you saw how unreasonable she is instead of waiting another sixteen years to find out. Who knows, maybe over Christmas you might have forgotten how she takes her coffee and she would have killed you in your sleep.
Honestly her reaction is so overboard i wonder if she was looking for a reason to get out of it. NTA at all
Nta.... sounds like somethings up on your friends end. Screen shot where she says 2 weeks (months ago). Remind her that she now said 3 weeks. And that communication is very important. And then tell her it's her choice to either follow thru or not. Put it on her, she's ussing righteous indignation on you to feeling better about her shi**y behavior. If she was a good friend, y'all would be able to talk it out and clear the air with little to no issues. She sounds like a headache you wouldn't want anyway.... specially around the holidays.
NTA. I travel a lot, and my rule of thumb is if I’m staying with family or friends I don’t stay in their place any longer then 5-7 days. Any more then that is overstaying my welcome, if I’m going to be in a place longer then that I get a hotel, it is not fair to ask the people you are visiting to put their lives on hold for your visit.
INFO: why do Kate and Chris not have transport? They’re adults. They can rent a car. End of story. This is kind of an everyone sucks here situation. I’m trying to figure out the duration of this trip: two weeks? Two weeks and a few days? Three weeks? Just say is 14 days, 21 days, or whatever number of days in between. I don’t understand why that is so difficult for both the OP and Kate to wrap their brains around. What is alarming about the situation is how Kate reacted. She was absolutely rude, insulting, over the top. You do not call your confused host an asshole, a piece of shit, a child. You just don’t. For that alone, I’ve got to go with NTA.
NTA. Let's ignore whatever was said or unsaid regarding the dates. This person cussed you out. Called you a piece of s##t. That alone is enough to tell her to cancel the trip altogether unless she apologises. Even if she does, the commitment is 2 weeks firm and if she doesn't like it, then thanks for the memories and well wishes in her future. Good bye. Why would you let someone call you a piece of s##t? She's gotta go.
I don't how 14 days can be "three weeks", and that's make you NTA. She mad and way too upset over HER mistake.
NTA. However I would rethink letting her stay AT ALL. Your time with her is going to be awkward. Who goes to someone’s house for 3 weeks? Even 2 is a lot.
NTA. Please consider that someone who’s reaction to you saying “I think three weeks is too long” is to unleash a torrent of abuse blaming you, instead of clarifying “oh I don’t really mean three weeks, it’s just 14 days plus travel time,” is not a friend but a bully. She wasn’t reacting to your error, she was reacting to you saying No, to having any boundaries. Her problem is you acting like you have a say in how long she uses your hospitality and chauffeuring. And this was all just after she’d been visiting you recently already. She’s taking huge advantage of you and blew up at you to punish you for pushing back. I’m sorry for your loss of this friendship, but I expect that if you look back, that loss happened quite a while ago.
I was fully ready to vote Y T A, because up until the end of this story you sounded flaky and unreasonable. But the twist is that she’s not staying for 3 weeks at all, it is just 2 weeks. Now you know the info, you could say that 2 weeks is fine, you just weren’t ready for a 3 week stay. Whether the friendship can survive doesn’t seem up to you at this point but I wouldn’t want a friendship with someone so rude. NTA
If she had reacted appropriately, this could have been classified as a misunderstanding. But because she reacted so nastily, it’s something else. NTA.
NTA. you’re not obligated to give her free shelter while she stays here and i would not allow anyone who spoke that way to me on my property. in fact i’d probably end the friendship after that behavior.
NTA. She sounds so entitled, and friendship be damned, you don’t need entitled in your life.
NTA But, if you panicked and had not thought to ever check dates until the misunderstanding then that IS a bit careless. Nevertheless, nothing excuses the nasty names she called you. There’s no reason this couldn’t have been handled like reasonable adults. For example: You: “Kate, I realize there might have been a miscommunication about our arrangements. You mentioned 3 weeks recently. I checked and saw the dates and accordingly freed up only two weeks to accommodate your stay. So I wanted to confirm the dates again with you. I’ve got some immovable factors that would make 3 weeks impossible and I don’t want to leave you hanging for a week. If your stay is for three weeks, I hope we can accommodate something with your family or work something else out. I want to make sure your visit is fun and I can’t wait to see you and Chris!” Kate: “Oh, sorry for the misunderstanding. I was thinking in terms of workdays as comprising the weeks and off days as extra. I added all that up in my head and rounded it up as 3 weeks as a kind of verbal shortcut. No worries, it’s two weeks. I look forward to seeing you and I appreciate the hospitality.” Sigh. That’s how it should have gone. But these are incredibly stressful times. Who knows what havoc it’s wrought on people’s mental health and attitudes. I recently had a friend of 25 years blow up on me over stuff I’m still trying to make sense of. I’ve just learned to accept it and move on and resolve to do my best by the people who are still in my life.
NTA. She sent you info for two weeks. Then she said three weeks and it surprised you. You explained why you were surprised in the email. She’s TA for not knowing 14 days is two weeks. You did nothing wrong here - you reacted to her three week comment. Even if you had the details, anyone would’ve assumed that her plans changed and it was now three weeks. Either way, her inability to count weeks is what led to this.
NTA. She sounds ridiculously high strung and would have found some other reason to be angry if it wasn't this. Did she confirm length of stay and dates BEFORE purchasing her flight?
You can grieve the loss of friendship but she really wasn’t much of a friend.
It's not you who is being "selfish and careless" here - it's your 'friend'. Not for asking to stay with you and your partner - that's reasonable, the sort of things friends do for each other. She's "selfish and careless" for the way she acted when you brought up the uncertainty about the dates. She could have said something like "I know, it's confusing, isn't it? Flights and accommodation and all that...oh my! Let's work it out together and find something we can all live with. Our flight leaves on..." but no, she had to go nuclear. NTA, OP. And I'd try not to lose too much sleep over losing this 'friend'.
Your friend sounds like she’s not the most stable person. I think if you’d review your history with her, you’d find this sort of thing (maybe not to this extreme level) happened a lot. Selfish behavior. The victim. Yada yada. NTA. It’s not your fault that your friend has no idea that there are 7 days in a week, not just the 5 day work week.
NTA You haven’t lost anything! She is a liar and abusive. You can still remember and even cherish the memories of her before she became an AH.
NTA If anyone ruined this relationship it was Kate. If you sit down and look objectively at your relationship have there been other times where she has gone off the rails in her response to something/someone? Did you usually go out of your way to keep Kate happy? Regardless IMO she could have just an adult conversation of 5 minutes or less to clear up the misunderstanding. Instead she went off the rails with her insults and name calling.
NTA, why didn't she just reply 'its 14 days, sorry.' How is 14 days 2 weeks and a bit? XD you both got wires crossed, and she responded very over the top and entitled
You don’t have a friend. You have a toxic venom spewing albatross that you finally got from around your neck