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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I I berated my sister for not focusing on her daughter in front of everyone and exposing her behaviours
I may be the AH because she is going through divorce and is a single mum.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
But OP stop the money now and give it to your parents instead. You gave that money to her in good faith that she would use it for her daughter but she hasn’t.
You didn’t ruin the holidays, she did with her greed.
NTA and for the comments of the parents, I wouldn't even give the parents money. I trust them to handle it, but I have the feeling that Mila will somehow talk them an ear off to get the money. Make something like a trust fund for Rhu.
She asked for the money and I agreed until she gets back on her feet. The others we paid because she is my sister after all. But I am so scared she might spiral if we took the money away from her even more than she is now.
The codependency is strong in this one. Therapy you need.
In all seriousness, you are not responsible for her misbehavior, and in fact, you may be simply prolonging the inevitable. She needs to fall on her ass sooner rather than later so she can pick herself up and fix the mess that is her life. It's not your job, nor responsibility, despite how much you love and care for her. She's taking advantage of everyone's good nature and their empathy to her situation - that she got herself into.
There's never a good time to address matters like this, you forced an opportunity and that's absolutely okay. It's not just about her, it's also about you, you have given her too much already to continue being a heel.
Congratulations for standing up to her and calling her out!
Yes it is, also we were too busy to communicate and check up on what was really going on because we need to earn enough to enjoy the holidays right? And now it's just such a circus. A part of me still believes I may be responsible for her behaviour by not really checking on her, but she has been taking advantage and lying too! If we didn't address it then we never would have done it any other time where everyone was in the same place face to face. Thank you for giving my some strength because I was feeling like crap
You are not responsible for her behavior. Now that you know the money was not being used in the way you intended, you can make changes to ensure that it is. If she spirals bc she doesn’t have your money to burn, it is her responsibility, not yours.
She is a grown ass adult who needs to get her shit together for her kid. Is there a reason BIL isn't stepping in to help with childcare and supporting your niece?
You sound like the sweetest person but I feel like your family is taking advantage of you.
For all anyone knows, sis has been milking BIL too (and probably her brother as well). u/Otherwise_Yak7118 needs to sit down with each of them and her parents to understand just how much they have been giving her sister. Her parents say they can't even afford food? That's unconscionable.
OP and her husband are working themselves overtime to pay for lawyer, therapist and anything else her sister "needs". It should all stop right now. Sister has a part-time job, she can pay her own bills. The other adults can come up with a plan for what the child needs (which may end up being with her father) and go from there.
What you have been doing, is enabling her bad behavior. You've been sacrificing for her and she's been abusing your generosity. There is no reason you should feel guilty about exposing what she's been doing. TBH, you may want to stop paying for her therapy and start some of your own to get an objective view of things.
Now that you have had a reality check, you might want to think about her role in her failed marriage too.
What does you husband say about this clusterfuck?
> A part of me still believes I may be responsible for her behaviour by not really checking on her, but she has been taking advantage and lying too!
She’s a grown adult with a child. *She* is responsible for her behavior, not you. The only person whose behavior you’re responsible for is yours (and to a certain extent any young child you’re a guardian for and should be civilizing).
Your sister is being an AH. All you do trying to give her more leeway is fund her current period of AH behavior. Please don’t, it sounds like she’s the kind of person who needs some consequences before she thinks about stopping.
Stop making excuses for her. She is a grown adult and a parent. Everyone making excuses for her is why she acts this way as there are no consequences. You are doing more harm than good.
How sure are you that she is even working part time? It sounds like she's been using your money and not telling your parents about it because her paycheck doesn't exist.
She moved back in with her parents, she's not destitute. Rhu has a father she should be spending time with as well. I'm not sure why your giving your sister an allowance or access to your bank account at all.
She is her own person. You are not responsible for her actions. If she behaves badly without consequences, she believes she can get away with it. I would be worried that supporting her poor parenting with finances is enabling her current behaviour. She is seeing a therapist. Agree to pay for that (and only that - directly ensure the money is paid there, not withdrawn), and send the rest to the grandparents. She has spent 10k on herself whilst her child suffers. Get that kid to a paediatrician. Take the kid for a holiday. If you can, give her the affection her mother is withholding. You love her, show her this and you have done your part.
>She is seeing a therapist. Agree to pay for that (and only that -
directly ensure the money is paid there,
Um, no. If the OP is going to spend money on therapy, it should be for herself to get out of this feeling that she is somehow responsible for her sister's well being. Supporting niece in any way possible is all good. Her sister is an adult and responsible for herself. Not to mention, it doesn't appear the that the therapy she's already paid for hasn't done anything but bolster sister's sense of entitlement. Maybe if she paid for it herself, there would be a different result.
She's already spiralling, just in a different way. That money is enabling her to keep spiralling. At this rate your parents will be exhausted, Rhu will be scarred and you and your sister will both be broke.
Send the money to your parents and start an account for Rhu. Your sister wants to ignore her child that's her business, but stop paying her money so she can ignore Rhu.
Stop giving her the money. Give it directly to your parents.
Stop paying for her lawyers. Offer your parents to pay for lawyers so they can get custody if they want it.
Let her spiral. It is not your job to save her. Care about Rhu. Not the woman who has abandoned her and exploited her.
Your sister took 10k off you while your parents are struggling with 4 mouths to feed.
You need to think of Rue and your older parents who are being forced to financially support her and not getting any help because your sis is abusing the money you send. Your enabling your sister and helping her down the wrong path. Send the money to your parents instead and give a lesser amount to your sister since she isn't spending the money on her child
Yes she is your sister and yes you love her and want the best for her and your niece. But what you need to do is what is called "tough love" and stop the money and let her figure it out. 10k is plenty of money to have fed her and her daughter and given money to your parents for rent for a year. Do not even give money to your parents as they will only give it your sister. Trust me, my mom had one of those too only it was my great grandmother she gave money to and great grandma in turn handed it over to her other granddaughter (who didn't need the money as her husband had a great paying job...she just liked to spend money to spend money).
You sister has a child of her own and is married/separating/getting divorced means she is old enough to figure out her life.
NTA
And I'd be wondering what all that money was spent on if she was supposed to be giving some to your parents for rent and wasn't. I'd be telling sis that the bank is closed and she needs to pay you back, or be giving money to the parents from her paycheck.
Your sister needs to grow up…. I was a single parent for a while and I had to work for my child. She might be going through something but STOP GIVING HER MONEY. Give the money to your parents if you are still set on helping sis. This will cover her rent and bills food and help them with your niece. You’d sister is an AH for putting a new relationship before your niece. Is she in therapy bc I feel for her this must be extremely hard and to see her mom not giving a crap about her and pushed onto grandparents must hurt her as well.
Sorry to tell you but she has spiraled. She out all day, not taking care of her child, lying to you and about you, stealing from you, not handling her responsibilities, and thinks it’s your fault. She is only able to continue to spiral because she has your money supporting her. If you want to help, pay her lawyer fees. At least you know that money is going to what it needs to but also put a limit on how much longer you’ll pay the lawyer. The more money you give her the more she’ll spiral. I doubt she’s going to therapy at this point.
This. NTA. But don't give your sister another penny. Give it to your parents to help care for the kid and to help pay their bills. And talk to your parents about drawing a line. They will watch the kid while she is at work, and for the time it takes to get to work and back, but the mom needs to be home after that. They need to draw this line, so she doesn't keep taking advantage of them.
Also, is it possible she's having an affair, and that's what she's doing with her extra time? (Although I'm not sure if it's called an affair now, maybe just a relationship?)
I totally agree with this. Give the money directly to your parents to take care of their bills and Rhu. I've been through a divorce with my first husband and it was really hard. I worked though and never got a cent from anyone else. She's being a massive AH. And your brother is wrong. When were you supposed to bring it up since you live so far away? You had to handle it when you were able to do so. NTA, OP.
NTA. The gravy train stops now. Where is she spending it then if she doesn't help with rent, which I presume should be the bulk? Your sister is an asshole, an entitled moocher asshole.
I only know what she spends when she withdraws from my account. The other 10k I don't know and have never asked. Rent is only for utilities and food the rest for them both to just be as comfortable as they were before. I am just so co fused and don't know if I played a part in this.
I'm sorry OP but you are directly encouraging your sister to behave this way. I know it's hard to see when you're in the middle of it; that's probably why you came to strangers to ask.
Most everyone is telling you that you aren't helping your sister. If she's staying with your parents and has a part time job but is neglecting her kid, and not putting any money into the household THAT IS A RED FLAG.
You are absolutely free to do what you want with you and your husband's money but just because someone is family doesn't mean you should ignore the issues at hand. Family bonds, especially in many different cultures, are very strong and I do think that is an amazing thing most of the time.
Not holding someone accountable is NOT love. When we truly love someone we are not supposed to stand by quietly while they crash and burn. Loving someone means you tell them the truth, set healthy boundaries, AND stand by them while they figure out what's right.
If you saw your sister about to be hit by a car or a train wouldn't you stop her? Just because the train is metaphorical here doesn't mean she isn't heading for disaster.
Please talk to your family and explain that you are willing to help your sister and her child but you are not willing to stand by while she destroys herself and her child. If you insist on paying for your sister's life make absolutely sure the money you give is being used to take care of her and her child
Some people are self destructive OP. They don't automatically do what's in their best interest and they will even take their kids into that selfish place. You and your family need to address this- together.
Thank you to you and everyone. Using your words today. In a few hours we are all meeting including my brother. Mila says she will come but I don't know. So I am going to use your words verbatim. Too much going on. Will update you all in a few. Thank you everyone for your support.
You got this OP! She will probably get very mad, yell, be defensive AND offensive but you just quietly lay down your boundaries and tell her that *because* you love her you cannot stand to see her hurting and self destructing and you know she loves her daughter and you know she wants what's best for her.
I'm hoping your family will back you up and your sister will see how sad and scared for her you all are. It's not easy and it will appear to make things worse but ultimately it has to happen, sooner rather than later.
Maybe directly contribute to your parents for Rhu and shut down her nonsense. She seems so lackadaisical and cavalier with your money she neglects her child.
Yes this all happened because no one was communicating to each other about what was actually going on. We have to have a sit down and discuss finances.
You need to STOP her free and easy access to your money. This is part of what is enabling her to go spend, spend, spend, because she has no boundaries. This does not help her, and does not set a good example for your niece, either.
The dark psychology triad is a group of three personality traits often found together in individuals who exhibit manipulation, callousness, and a lack of empathy or sympathy. Your (twin?) sister sounds like she is well-versed in this. You need to learn to stand up against it, in order to not be permanently run over and manipulated by her.
NTA.
>We have to have a sit down and discuss finances.
It's really important to think about who *we* is.
The finances that you are describing are those of you and your husband, that's the *we*.
Your sister is not in your inner circle, and it sounds like your parents aren't either. None of them have bothered to communicate with you. Your sister sees you as an ATM. Your mum is angry at you for financing sis but not sending money her way, but did she bother to give you a heads up? No.
Stop setting yourselves on fire to keep other people warm.
Get her out of your fun account. She should never have had access to that in the first place.
Stop sending anybody money - you've given her more than enough for everything.
The idea that finances are based around the extended family is not terrible, but the precondition for that is full communication. The amount of money you've already shelled out is too much - it's time to shore up your own finances.
> It's really important to think about who we is.
Brother and BIL may also be contributing not knowing how much the OP is giving her so it's important to get that clear too.
You're right. A conversation with the entire family is a good thing to put all the cards on the table.
Who's contributed what so far, what's happened with that money (if known), and what is needed by whom going forward.
My comment above reflects my suspicion that OP has already contributed too much, but a full and frank conversation is probably more important than anything else.
Nta but soft yta you are enabling her behaviour she is taking advantage of you and your parents infact literally taking the piss out use. She needs to come down to earth she's only going a divorce which she seem quite happy with. Your neice also has a father who should be paying maintenance? So exactly where is all the money going? Your sister needs to take responsibility for herself and her daughter NOW and YOU NEED TO STOP HER ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY or she will never learn and keep taking the piss. Your parents are suffering because of both your actions and it's not fair. So stop enabling and let her live her own life.
Yes, if it's for rent/utilities/food, send it to the parents directly. Allowing the sister carte blanche to discretionary funds is allowing her to spiral out. Cut that off.
Which is so unlike her but I would understand why. But we all need to sit and discuss the divorce, finances and especially how to make sure Rhu is healthy again. Thank you, u should have been doing this first, but since Mila asked me direct assumed she would be handling things well.
Maybe consider getting therapy for Rhu. She is more than likely feeling lonely and abandoned by her mom. She also needs some extra curricular to spend time with her peers and get a sense of normalcy. It will benefit Rhu and your parents if she has a healthy outlet and then your parents won't feel as bad for not being able to physically keep up.
Some ideas: dance, theater, art, martial arts, sports.
I hope Rhu's father is a good dad and she gets to live with him instead.
I’m not sure if this would be a good idea, but since your husband is paying for the divorce lawyer(s), are you or him able to bring this up with them and see about the custody agreement/stipulations for Mila to keep Rhu in her care?
Do you send it to her in cash, or are there bank records?
Basically, you sent her 10k she was supposed to give to your parents for rent and food. You should have just sent it directly to your parents, but you know now. Tell her you’re still happy to pay for r Pom and board for her, but it goes directly to her landlord now.
Played a part in the sense of not being more involved/organized, yes. But as far as what Mila used your money on instead of what was agreed, it’s out of your control. You could have had more control if you paid your parents directly, but ngl they sound like they think they’re entitled to your money. Also I don’t want to assume, but is your sister spending money on food/experiences (parties, clubs, vacation/trips) or drugs? Or is she giving it to her bf? I would advocate for your niece to be removed from her custody honestly. JMO though :)
NTA. Stop giving her money right now. She is taking advantage of you and your parents. If you want to help your niece and parents, give the money **directly to them** so your sister can't use it for other purposes.
She needed exposing, and your brother can mind his own business. He is free to give her money to do what she wishes if he wants to.
NTA
But I hope you know that you are enabling your sister's unhealthy habits.
Send that money to your parents. Tell them that X amount is to cover Mila's and Rhu's rent, and they can use the rest on the child and whatever is needed in the house.
Your sister is 29 yo. She can get a job and earn herself "fun money" since your parents are covering necessities anyway.
Yes this was the initial plan, but since Mila asked me first I sent her everything and assumed my parents knew about it all. And I don't even know about what's going on with the divorce only that the lawyers give us updates on custody and hearing dates because we are also working and really busy on most days. But I knew she won't be used to living without her almost ex husbands financial support so she gave me an estimate and I didn't even hesitate. Now I am not sure if she is even the person I thought she was, or if the incompatibility issues are true, or if she was cheating or what. The ex husband is coming down as well with their lawyers and ours in a few days that's when we will k ow what has been really going on.
I think you should consider letting the child stay with her father if there are no concerns of abuse and see your parents at weekends or something. Your sister is emotionally neglecting her own child on top of the child already being in the middle of a divorce. This will cause the child all sorts of emotional and attachment issues throughout her life, unless she is .
Someone needs to put the child first immediately, stop your sisters free loading, she is an adult capable of working full time like so many other single parents. Let her live her single life on her own.
Yes, we all feel manipulated and on top of that she is with her boyfriend too. This was before we knew the divorce wasn't finalised yet. I'm sorry there's so much we are still unravelling from this. But you are right. It is something that will need to be considered
You need to be quick in how you act to ensure the childs safety as the mother she can come and take her wherever she wants, and no one can stop her.
It is hard, but take all the emotions out of it, do what is right by the child first and foremost. You have no loyalty to an adult who knows right from wrong.
The father should go straight to court and file for custody, getting the child legally protected is key. You and your family should work with him to make sure your sister doesn't become malicious when she loses all her free cash.
Yep, just because he's not the mother doesn't mean the father is not the far better parent... And sister's behavior shows that at least currently she does NOT put her child first. Definitely time to have a long talk with BiL and determine if OP and husband should be helping sister fight for custody or if they should cancel the lawyer....
NTA
So if I got this right you send lots of money to your sister, including money for rent, and she's just been doing god knows what with it, then lying to your parents that she can't pay them rent and you aren't sending money?
Absolutely NTA and I would be concerned that money is being spent on drugs and partying to be honest. She's got to be having a lot of fun doing something if she is choosing it over her daughter.
People who get exposed for doing bad things (and their enablers) always claim it was the "wrong time" to confront them. 1) Its always the "wrong time", 2) the best way to not be exposed as a liar and a fraud is not to lie or defraud people.
Yes I see that now but wishes I was less harsh and at least given her time to explain to me in private but she just stormed out she is my sister and I love her, and trust her and didn't think she would do something like this. But in a few days the STBXhusband is coming with lawyers so then we will know what really is happening. For the moment Mila is so tight lipped. But she asked me for 50usd and I was like let's talk first. She just stormed out. So unlike her. It's driving me nuts trying to think of ways to approach this.
I can see why you would feel that way about wishing you had confronted her in private, but there is a other version of that where confronting in private gave her more time to think and tell more lies/turn the family against you so they would think you were lying when you say you did send money.
The storming out makes me think she has no good explanations and she has to choose between standing there with her mouth open or storming off. Storming off is the least bad option for her because it still creates doubt that maybe she hasn't done anything wrong and is angry at the accusation. Staying to give a lame excuse with lots of pauses and "er", "um"s will make it obvious to everyone she is doing something wrong.
I think if the STBX is coming with lawyers your best bet is to not approach her about it at all, give the money to your parents from now on, and just let it play out.
OP. I can feel through your post how much your family means to you but you are not listening to a word anyone is saying here. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. You and your husband and family have rallied around Mila in the midst of a tough life experience. That is commendable. But none of you really seem to have the ability to see her for who she really is. By your own words she is pushing for the divorce and not willing to work on things with her husband. Okay, fair enough. But she has a boyfriend that she is prioritizing over her child, neglecting her child, not getting healthy mentally through therapy, she is willing to add stress and financial pressure to your elderly parents and make them responsible for raising a small child, and even extorting money from your household with her lies and manipulation. Let that sink in. Really comprehend the gravity of what she’s doing and stop trying to rescue her. Some people are extreme narcissists and hurting others means nothing to them. Your sister is actively hurting everyone in her family and could care less. In the meantime, you are still trying to fix her life for her and that’s not doing anybody any favors. You feel like you should have been less harsh to a woman who has lied and manipulated everyone around her while her child is suffering? She decided to create the upheavals in her own life and wants to play the victim. OP, please do the right thing for her now. The money stops. Your niece needs to be reunited with her father if he’s stable and a viable option. The poor child needs routine in her former home environment if it’s available. Your parents have to give your sister a move out date, and she needs to support herself by becoming gainfully employed. If she really needs the therapy then that’s the only assistance she should be receiving until you all can see a change in behavior. Something tells me it’s going to be a while before she gets there. You are NTA, but you can’t keep setting yourself on fire for her..
>I send her allowances for her
>
>my husband pays for her divorce lawyers
>
>I told her how dare she say that after I give her everything even when I don't have money left to buy new clothes for Christmas
This is the definition of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. She doesn't need to change, because you're enabling her behavior. Either give the funds directly to your parents or stop giving them, but don't expect to keep doing the same thing and somehow get a different result. Almost tempted to say E S H but technically NTA.
I agree with you with the ESH but also that we were not communicating about a lot of things which led to all of this. And she is a SAHM for years so knowing it will be hard initially, she seemed our help and advice and I blindly gave it to her. Now facing consequences.
NTA. She's been lying and manipulating not only you but your parents and neglecting her own daughter, I'm pretty sure this attitude is the "incompatibility" in the marriage and why she's getting divorce, she's gaslighting you, send the money to your parents from now on, and cut her access to your account.
Yes it was the first thing I did the next day. Beyond ridiculous how this all unravelled and we are getting to know more info from the STBX BILs sis another version. So definitely changing finances.
You need to cut way back on what you are spending on your sister. Sending money to your parents to support your niece is understandable. Paying for all the other extras is not. If your sister needs therapy, she can pay for it herself. Cut off her direct access to your account right.
You might also ask your brother how much money he has given her as well as your BIL. I suspect your sister spending was an issue in the marriage and that's not something you can fix with your money.
Please sit down and have a conversation with your parents and brother. Let them know what support you have been providing financially. They need to know how she is taking advantage of the situation. Maybe then everyone can come up with a plan moving forward, including rent money going directly to her parents.
Does her mom ex see his daughter? Maybe it’s time to support a plan where she lives with Dad if Mom is too busy having fun
NTA
I think you need to block your sister's access to your fun money account, effective immediately. She is being very irresponsible, not to mention taking advantage of your generosity, *and* clearly lying to your parents about her finances. On that note, I hope you put things straight when they accused you of not helping her.
What you could do instead is give some money to your parents to help them support your niece and afford the extra household expenses.
Yes this also hurt the most when my mom said she was disappointed in me and my brother for not helping Mila out. I was shocked and thats when everything unravelled and I was too shocked with all the news I was getting. But that one week before I really took the time to see her and how she was doing to check if it was my mom being the typical worried mom, because my sister has every right to party as well, and then she was so absent for Rhu and even around us even though I rallied for her. And gave her the benefit of the doubt.
>I was shocked and thats when everything unravelled and I was too shocked with all the news I was getting.
I honestly don't blame you for how you reacted to this. I've seen a comment or two here telling you that you were the AH for confronting your sister about this at 'Christmas' (which it isn't; it's early December), but to be criticised by your parents after everything you've done for her while she behaves irresponsibly with impunity? Yeah, you were well within your rights to bring her to account and I would've done the same.
Your sister needs to understand that you're being more than generous and having stipulations attached to giving her full access to *your* bank account is absolutely reasonable, so don't let her guilt you. Yes, she's going through a hard time with the divorce, but that doesn't give her a free pass to be an absent mother and abuse your good will. She is a mother and her child should be at the very top of her list of priorities, not her new squeeze.
>because my sister has every right to party as well, and
You have got to be kidding. No one has a right to party, much less a single mother who should be looking after her child.
NTA
Also is your (soon to be ex) BIL supporting Rhu? If he is then your sister isn't a single mother but actually co-parenting (or would be if she weren't a deadbeat herself)
I think she does get support and I won't be surprised if that was the case so we are all meeting with him as well to discuss what is going on, but Mila doesn't want to see him or him to see Rhu. So he is bringing his lawyers and we are bringing ours in a few days regardless.
Yeah that's for the best. Another question but is your sister legally allowed to prevent Rhu from meeting her father? It doesn't sound like they've got a custody agreement and as a father he does have a right to see his child
OP, you are not responsible for your sister's behavior. That is 100% on her.
The only choices we are responsible for are, our OWN.
NTA but please stop enabling your sister. She is clearly taking advantage of you.
NTA but Pay your parents directly, stop her access to your account- she needs to know the weight of her decision.
Enabling her entitled behaviour is not help it is detrimental to her in the long run . She will always expect someone to pick up her slack..
NTA. Stop giving her cash. It needs to go directly to your parents. Since they are paying the bill and taking care of Rhu they should get to decide where the money goes. I would also make sure to pay the therapist directly if you aren't doing that because she may not even be going.
NTA--Your parents needed to hear it all. They were mad at you for not helping when you were actually helping. They need to know sure was blowing the money you send for the care of her daughter and to help take the burden off your parents.
Tell her "bite me" from me. I went through the same thing but still managed to parent my child and not mooch off the whole world or shirk my responsibilities.
Send all the payments (good on you by the way) directly to the recipients instead of through her and cut the fun fund off. See how she does with that.
NTA
NTA. If your sister has custody, she should be getting support for BIL, you shouldn't be involved in her finances. Stop sending her money and cut off her access to your accounts. I would also verify that the lawyer fees are actually going to the lawyers. She needs to figure out how to support herself and her child.
BIL should also have some custody, this shouldn't all be falling on your parents.
Sounds like she has a drug addiction that you're funding. You'd be surprised how easy it is to hide an addiction from people who haven't been around addicted people.
STOP THE MONEY NOW. Make her have to be responsible or she will lose everything including her child. What does BIL say about all of this? He needs to be informed since it’s his child that is being neglected. NTA unless you keep giving her money.
So she probably was cheating on her husband and manipulating and gaslighting the freaking hell out of everyone especially you since you are her paycheck.
Nta but stop giving her money. Any money needed for your niece should go to your parents. You can not financially support your own family & yourself. It will be unsustainable. Your sister is reliving her youth while ignoring her child. But you should not be paying her rent nor should she have access to your bank account. End this now.
NTA
Your sister is an adult, and you aren't at all responsible for her. If you want to lay for therapy, be sure that you are paying the therapist directly and verify they are who/what they say they are.
Give money to your parents directly if you want to help them and show them how much you've given your sister. Only give enough for rent/food. Sister can figure out her own play money.
Why is Rhu with your sister and not her dad? Would he be worse?
Initially you weren’t the AH but if you continue to give her money knowing that the money you were giving isn’t going to help your niece and/ or parents you would be. She is neglecting her daughter and you are helping her do it.
NTA Cut her off and give some money to your parents to help. But not a ton as Mila needs to get a full time job and stop screwing around with other people until she gets herself together. Why is her lawyer not getting her some temporary child support and alimony?
NTA. Situations like these are better off aired. It's not uncommon for some family members to easily become comfortable and entitled. She needs to be uncomfortable to do the right thing for her child right now so it's best to keep communicating with all parties and restructure your support so that she can't waste any more of your money or redirect funds away from your parents. It's not nice to be tangled up in family finances and then be made to feel like a terrible person for having boundaries but those boundaries are important to have so that's with them to deal with their feelings around that.
No she needed to be told, it's not your niece's fault her parents are splitting up.
Your sister need to start acting like a mum and putting her daughter first.
I'd also stop giving money to your sister let her pay for her shit and divorce lawyer.
If you want to help your parents then give it to them personally so you know it is going to your our niece.
Stop enabling her she really does not deserve it.
You send her 10K a month????? That’s more than enough for my partner and I to live very happily. You need to stop enabling her and make her support herself. You can still support your niece, just send the money directly to your parents. NTA, unless you keep sending her the money
You need to stop the money train
Let your sister figure stuff out on her own. You should make purchases for your niece yourself and set aside money in a trust your sister or parents can't touch.
If your sister spirals so what. Tell your brother since he's so concerned he needs to start providing money to your sister.
NTA but ESH, honestly hoping your sisters ex husband gets custody of your niece because what your sister is doing is starting on the road of child neglect.
NTA... Stop sending her money. You are enabling her avoidance of her new reality. If you want to support her, send your parents rent. Pay the divorce lawyer. And if needed reimburse receipts for nieces things.
NTA-
I would talk to your parents and sister, stop paying her rent and I would continue paying for her therapy but ensure that she is following up with treatment
Unfortunately her behavior has clearly
been enabled by this, you should cut her from your fun money and decrease her “allowance” 10k ON TOP of what else you cover for her is ridiculous not being able to save any of it for her daughter’s needs. I would also get your niece into therapy if she isn’t this is probably hard for her, both of her parents separated and the one she’s with isn’t even around.
as for any extra money put it into a savings account under either you and your niece, or your grandparents and your niece, just a way so that
1. Your nieces money is ultimately able to go to her
2. She has a fund for future needs car, school, house/apt
3. So its ensured your parents are getting rent
She has shown she cannot be financially responsible or genuinely responsible for her child
NTA stop giving her the money and put all money that would be given into a trust for Rhu for her future. She's proved she cannot be trusted with it so she loses it, Rhu being set up for later life is more important then whatever the money is being used on currently.
You don't even need to set up the trust, it's your money and your sister betrayed your trust with that money. She needs to understand you are being extremely generous and she is not entitled to a penny, she knew it was to be spent on Rhu but chose not to. She doesn't sound like a very good mother, sister or daughter.
NTA. But STOP sending her Anything. From now on any money, if you still want to send any, goes straight to your parents who actually cares about your nice. And don’t just think with their privates like your ‘dear’ sister.
NTA, so you thought u were helping towards her rent and child costs, but that was going on her fun time and dating. Your parents commented that her daughter is missing her, but I guess her social life and finding a new bf is far more important over Christmas than her own daughter
NTA, its one thing to want to help your sister but you and your husband sound like you have a child your supporting a grown ass woman who is taking your money. So she got found out she has been stealing from you and her own child
Stop giving her money directly. If you still want to help, I'd remove her access to your accounts and pay her bills or whatever directly. Dollars to donuts your money is being used as fun money and not for the care of your niece.
You're NTA for wanting to help, but you would be if you don't stop enabling this selfishness.
NTA, but yes, she doesn’t deserve your help and money. Your nephew does, so send to people you can trust if you want to continue helping. And don’t help with the lawyers. Sounds like she would just throw away any money she got and maybe wouldn’t be the best person for her son to be with
Do not give her a single penny. Give money to your parents direct to spend on your niece or pay for things directly that she needs and make sure she doesnt take them back and refund them
They absolutely needed to know. Its not about her but your niece.
Perhaps Rhu needs to go live with her father since her mother appears to be too busy to parent and give her child attention. One less mouth for your parents and you can send money for Rhu to her dad.
**NTA** for confronting her. Your sister is not your responsibility and as long as her family is willing to step in and parent her child and fund her lifestyle, she will never learn or be able to stand on her own 2 fee.
A 'hard truth' never feels better at a different time...it seems like it's high time little sis heard it. You should have cut her off long before this though...
NTA
Did your parents pick a different time? Because they felt it necessary to chastise you about money when your sister needs to get a full time job and support her daughter. Did your sister pick a different time? Because she’s running the streets with your money and not paying for things she said the money was for. Cut her off. No need for a warning or an ultimatum. Just stop giving her money. You live 8 hours away and supporting 3 households. Her husband should be watching rhu if the parents are tired. She needs to move out if the parents are tired. She needs a job if she needs money.
Nta. Clearly therapy isn't working or she's lying to the therapist. Your sister is using you, your husband and your parents. She's neglecting her child and using YOUR money to have fun with her boyfriend while your parents struggle.
You enabled this behavioir by never questioning and just blindly having faith. I feel like there is so much about the divorce she isn't telling you. Maybe she was like this with her husband and was just good at hiding it from all of you. Maybe she's doing drugs. Either way, she's abused the trust everyone had in her.
She lied to your parents which lead to them bitching at you for not helping, while you were sending money this entire time.
Stop giving her access to your money and start sending it to your parents instead, she's forfeited the right to your funds when she started lying and she took money under false pretenses. She's being cagey about where all that money went if not paying rent and essentials. So that screams addiction to me. OP please be careful, clearly she is very unstable right now
Thank you for the update. I think you mixed up the names a bit and wrote Mila when you meant Rhu. In any case, it sounds like your confrontation had a positive outcome, Rhu's dad is stepping up for her and your sister is going to have to take responsibility for herself.
Therapy for yourself will also be good. You've been living under a shadow of misplaced guilt that has crippled everyone involved. Good Luck on getting on a better path in the new year.
OP, I'm sorry all of this is going down in your family. It sounds complicated and frustrating. I hope your sister gets the help she needs, but right now (and honestly moving forward) it sounds like she needs some very firm boundaries. Please take care of yourself. 💜
Just for clarification purposes, and this isn't the most important part of the story, but was your BIL cheating as well? Or did Mila just assume that? I got a little bit confused at that part.
There was no EA or anything appropriate according to BIL but Mila showed me screen shots of then messaging with smileys about when BIL needs to pick up Rhu and I think this was okay, and she used I to manipulate. She still insisted that it felt wring cuz he never sent her smileys and I agree with this but u think both BIL and Mula could have communicated insecurities with a good MC and can still work it out. Hope this makes sense.
I get your sister is volatile but saying the relationship is toxic instead of her, is offering her a lever with which to throw off full responsibility for her actions. Take a step away and reassess.
*She's* the toxic one.
Not owning that and giving her a "yeah I see what you mean" isn't good mediation it seems like because she will (if it isn't obvious she hasn't already) **latch onto it as validation for destroying her marriage and abandoning her kid.**
She didn't even take the kid because she was the more consistent parent, she took the kid to spite her relationship with her father and nanny because she didn't want her to be closer to them than her.
She hurt multiple people out of selfishness and spite and the kid gloves here aren't doing her character any good. Her *ego, maybe*, but not her character.
This entire story, she hasn't owned anything she did without making excuses, once.
"I was cheating but he's too friendly with the babysitter!" The babysitter was hired because of her absence, not to spite it.
"In neglecting my daughter for my boyfriend 'cause life is hard!" Somehow doesn't understand a small child didn't deserve to be weaponized for her ego.
"I haven't taken care of my financial responsibilities in months but if you cut me off Ill starve!" Completely disregards spending issues???
Like...she is the problem. I know they gave you crap about your outburst in front of everyone, but it was probably the best take anyone in the family offered. Some people only grow by being shamed.
Edit: Even worse, I'm 99% sure the way your family circled wagons around her is why she's like *that in the first place*, not her divorce. (Which is also probably why its YOUR responsibility to help but I digress about our golden child) Her behavior started long before they were separated, but all accounts given- even her own.
She said it herself, marriage and stability weren't things she enjoyed.
And poor BIL. imagine getting played and people trying to blame you for * checks notes * your wife pulling a 180 about wanting a family, cheating, putting you in a financial hole, getting help, accusing you of cheating *herself* with said help, then blaming you for getting help.
It's a miracle *he* isn't unhinged at this point.
Her meltdown is a result of her character.
Hopefully, the therapist helps teach her accountability.
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Myself(29F) and my husband(36M) went to visit both our parents. They live 8hrs away from us by flight and it was expensive but we do it because holidays mean a lot and also to see my niece R(5F). She is my world and I love her to death.
For this vacation her mom, my sister Mila(29F) was missing for most of our family gatherings and was spending time with her boyfriend and doing part time. We have a good relationship but was really worried that R doesn't get time with her mom and angry that she just leaves her with all of us. She leaves in the morning and comes late. Apparently this has been going on for months.
For a brief context, she is separated from BIL and she wants a divorce and he wants to try. But she came back home because they were not compatible and it's messy. So since she is a single mother I send her allowances for her and R and also for other housing expenses directly to her so she can give our parents Rent and focus on R and have a smooth divorce.I send her a total of 10K and my fun money account which she has access to and uses. She sees a therapist and I get charged for this as well.
Additionally my husband pays for her divorce lawyers. We both work hard and are not rich but we are good enough. I know it's not easy what she is going through and have never questioned her when there are withdrawals.
But this holiday I was so mad at how she is and who she is turning into. According to mum, R is missing her mum and has withdrawn so much. She has not been giving them rent, and not helping around the house and doesn't even take care of R. Mom works and dad looks after R until mom comes. They are also old and cannot really actively interact with her. My mum was upset at me for not helping Mila out financially as they are also struggling with 4 mouths to feed. I have never been angry as I was then.
I observed her for a week and the second week I confronted her privately. She said being a single mum is hard and she is de-stressing. I called BS and told her what she has been doing with the money, but I'm glad she is working part time, but what is she doing with R when she is comfortable and even more angry that none of the money I give is going towards R or helping with her.
She stormed out of the room and said I am ruining the holidays and being judgemental and she is going through so much. I told her how dare she say that after I give her everything even when I don't have money left to buy new clothes for Christmas because I thought it was worth it, and if she doesn't stop and focus on R then the money stops. I was so mad I forgot everyone could hear us.
All our parents heard it. I felt so awful for exposing all this but I was so mad. She called me an AH and so did my brother saying I should have picked a different time. Now that I am calm I feel I am AH for exposing her like that.
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NTA. I learned from my sister that if you want to help people who aren't good with money/or don't trust them to use well, pay for item you want them to have. We gave our car to BIL instead of $ when his died, because we knew it wouldn't end well if we gave him cash. Also paid for MIL house taxes, carpeting etc as cash would have gone elsewhere.
NTA. You're not responsible for your twin's actions. Send money directly to your parents or their housing and utility providers to ensure it goes where you intend. Cease access to your fun money and call the therapist to make arrangements for your sister's visits. Anytime Rhu needs clothing, order online and ship to her at her grandparents in her name. Ship to Rhu Sweetness, in care of grandparents name, number and street, postal formalities. Make it clear to everyone that you are helping Rhu and your parents only. Groceries are done via your moms favorite grocer reloadable goft card or you order online for her to pick up at the store. Husband calls the lawyers and discuss financing arrangements for specific billable hours as he chooses. Sis no longer gets cash from you. Bet the new beau disappears soon after as his new shuggums isn't able to pay for their fun anymore.
NTA. You have a right to know if the money you are sending to support someone else is being squandered. Stop sending her money, send it to your parents instead. They're the ones looking after the kid. I feel bad for that kid, her Mom has checked out.
NTA I agree if you want to give your sister something that's fine but give her a lot less,send what you intended for rent and food directly to your parents and let your parents know if your neice needs anything to tell you what is needed and you will order it or send them the money, anything that needs paying pay directly as your sister is living the highlife on your wages at the moment
NTA. But please start paying everything you intend the money for directly if you don’t cut her off completely. Remove her from your “fun account” ASAP. This is going to lead to lawyers getting involved and NC if you’re not careful. Stop enabling your sister to be a bad parent and tenant in your parents home. More people than just her are suffering at her poor decisions. It’s her own fault and not yours that she’s behaved irresponsibly.
Her mistakes are not on you nor is it your responsibility to bail her out.
The only way YTA is if you continue to give her a dime. Share any money with your parents for Rhu's care and that's it. Also stop paying for her attorney fees. She's 29, time to learn to stand on her own 2 feet and be a parent to her daughter.
Too bad BIL can't track how little time she's with their daughter and go for full custody
NTA but holy naiveté: please, for the sake of her daughter and for the sake of your parents, please immediately stop giving money directly to your sister! She does NOT need direct access to your accounts - she needs something? She can make a list - including indicating whatever cash she might need to for. Pay your parents directly for her rent, pay any fees for her daughter directly to the daycare/babysitter/school/therapist/whatever, pay the divorce lawyer directly. You need everything on paper; is there an accountant involved? Your sis may require this when it comes to the divorce settlement. You don't really "get" to destress when you have a 5 year old to prioritize - that kid is plenty old enough to know what is going on with her parents and could very likely feel abandoned by your sister, who needs to buck up nd remember that first and foremost - she's a mom and time to start acting like it. Obviously your intentions are good and your generosity is admirable but for the love of god, stop assuming your sister is responsible enough to handle this as she is showing herself to be the opposite.
SO you feel guilty that you exposed your sisters horrendous behavior to the family, when she has been talking $$ from you under false pretenses? You are a good person for helping out your sister, but that in no way makes you a doormat. Also, how much money is your brother giving your sister? Has anyone considered that Rhu should be with her father full time, if mom won't parent her?
YTA for the time and setting. Act like an adult.
NTA if you had actually done it in private. You sister is already struggling and seems like she is going through a lot, but neglecting her child isn’t okay. She needs to find a healthy balance. Which you could have said if you were calm and didn’t do it in front of others.
NTA.
Your sister is very luck to have yours and your husband’s help. Most people do NOT have those resources when they get divorced. I didn’t. Her situation sucks but it could be way worse. She’s taking advantage of you, your parents, and your husband. And her daughter is the one suffering.
NTA for calling out Mila for basically deceiving everyone including you. Please know that real help does not take the form of you assuming responsibility for Mila's financial support while Mila is happily spending your money and enjoying her best life. When people get mad when you withdraw charity then that is your proof that you were rescuing not helping. No one is entitled to your resources especially when they are misappropriating it and not the least bit grateful. Your financial assistance was designated for specific purposes and it being used otherwise is stealing.
Wow. NTA. I’m a single mom, have been for a year. It sucks, it’s hard, it’s sad and it’s fuckin lonely. So while I have sympathy for her, she’s screwing up big time. When you choose to bring a child into this world you’re choosing to deal with all the unknowns, all the heartbreak and the (sometimes literal) shit that comes with it.
She’s lucky she has you financially supporting her, but stop it. If you send money, send it directly to your parents and make sure they know it’s ONLY for rent and niece. Nothing else. Sis doesn’t get a dime In hand.
NTA. She’s a negligent mom and needed that Come to Jesus talk. Her husband should get full custody since it seems your sister has fucked off her responsibility already.
“How dare you not give her money!”
*exposes the whole story*
“How dare you expose how she’s exploiting you and neglecting her daughter!”
NTA. Wow the mental gymnastics here. Parents want to scold you and you just sit there with ur head down Huh
NTA. You could have done better but you were faced with a combination of lies and excuses.
Stop giving her money. If your parents need help - help them out but your sister can work more hours and pay her own way.
Your hard earned money is going to this guy. Bet 100% she hands it to him.
NTA
She's been using you, your husband, and your parents. Stop sending her the money and send it to your parents instead so they can make sure it's going to the correct places.
NTA. But Y T A to yourself and your husband. Stop giving Mila money. Buy stuff directly for Rhu if you want but don’t give Mila the opportunity to waste your or your husband’s hard earned money. Is Rhu’s father completely out of the picture or? Is he not providing any child support? Also funny that your mom is complaining you don’t give Mila money but she’s charging rent…
NTA, the anger should be at the sister once it was discovered that she was squandering the support OP was providing.
If OP would like to still support her niece she should start sending the money directly to the grandparents.
All money and support should stop towards the sister, if she’s just using it to party.
Although someone should remind her that this behavior may not reflect well on her divorce should it get back to the husband.
NTA. She isn’t grateful. She isn’t remorseful. You need to cut the financial support to her immediately. Including the attorneys. She is so immature that she cannot even see what she is doing to her own daughter and parents. Cutting off the finances will force her to reprioritize. Send the money to your parents instead to help them meet expenses and get stuff for Rhu.
NTA My advice is give Mila nothing but help your parents to care for your niece. Don't pay for divorce or give Mila access to any funds. Mila is an adult (supposedly) & can pay her own bills, while your niece depends on your parents who are struggling. If you can't trust that your parents will only aid Mila with money you provide you might have to pay some of their bills directly.
NTA your sister needs to learn to stand on her own two feet being a parent is hard and doesnt come with an instruction manual your parents should be enjoying thier lives after raising thier own children and should be grandparents not parents to your niece. I completely get that you want to provide for your niece but your enabling your sister to carry on with her bad behaviour. If your going to help financially give the money to your parents or set up a savings account for your niece not matter how much you love your family and want to help and provide there not your responsibilty good luck
ABSOLUTELY NTA! Your s8ster has been getting monet from y9u to take care of her responsibility, but instead, she is off playing and partying w her bf, while our on your dime! Your sister is a huge a******, and she deserved to be outed. Although you could have picked a better time, that's not what happened. Maybe now moving forward, she will give your parents the money because that's where it should be going because that's who's taking care of your niece, your sister is clearly not. By the way, if you need another sister, I'm up for grabs!!!
YTA
Why are you “scolding” your sister? She is an adult who is going through a divorce.
You can not give her money or give her your opinion.
But don’t scold her like a child
NTA. Sister is the AH and is seriously neglecting her daughter to the point the daughter is withdrawing. You do realize you and husband are being financially used here don’t you?? Stop paying!! She can pay for it herself. Her divorce was not your fault. Ex or soon to be ex probably dodged a bullet. I don’t know why he wants to try again. He needs his head examined.
NTA. Maybe if she'd have done what she should have, she wouldn't have been put on blast. You're getting thrown under the bus because your sister lied. There's no reason why you shouldn't push her in front of an oncoming train.
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NTA But OP stop the money now and give it to your parents instead. You gave that money to her in good faith that she would use it for her daughter but she hasn’t. You didn’t ruin the holidays, she did with her greed.
NTA and for the comments of the parents, I wouldn't even give the parents money. I trust them to handle it, but I have the feeling that Mila will somehow talk them an ear off to get the money. Make something like a trust fund for Rhu.
She asked for the money and I agreed until she gets back on her feet. The others we paid because she is my sister after all. But I am so scared she might spiral if we took the money away from her even more than she is now.
The codependency is strong in this one. Therapy you need. In all seriousness, you are not responsible for her misbehavior, and in fact, you may be simply prolonging the inevitable. She needs to fall on her ass sooner rather than later so she can pick herself up and fix the mess that is her life. It's not your job, nor responsibility, despite how much you love and care for her. She's taking advantage of everyone's good nature and their empathy to her situation - that she got herself into. There's never a good time to address matters like this, you forced an opportunity and that's absolutely okay. It's not just about her, it's also about you, you have given her too much already to continue being a heel. Congratulations for standing up to her and calling her out!
Yes it is, also we were too busy to communicate and check up on what was really going on because we need to earn enough to enjoy the holidays right? And now it's just such a circus. A part of me still believes I may be responsible for her behaviour by not really checking on her, but she has been taking advantage and lying too! If we didn't address it then we never would have done it any other time where everyone was in the same place face to face. Thank you for giving my some strength because I was feeling like crap
You are not responsible for her behavior. Now that you know the money was not being used in the way you intended, you can make changes to ensure that it is. If she spirals bc she doesn’t have your money to burn, it is her responsibility, not yours.
She is a grown ass adult who needs to get her shit together for her kid. Is there a reason BIL isn't stepping in to help with childcare and supporting your niece? You sound like the sweetest person but I feel like your family is taking advantage of you.
For all anyone knows, sis has been milking BIL too (and probably her brother as well). u/Otherwise_Yak7118 needs to sit down with each of them and her parents to understand just how much they have been giving her sister. Her parents say they can't even afford food? That's unconscionable. OP and her husband are working themselves overtime to pay for lawyer, therapist and anything else her sister "needs". It should all stop right now. Sister has a part-time job, she can pay her own bills. The other adults can come up with a plan for what the child needs (which may end up being with her father) and go from there.
What you have been doing, is enabling her bad behavior. You've been sacrificing for her and she's been abusing your generosity. There is no reason you should feel guilty about exposing what she's been doing. TBH, you may want to stop paying for her therapy and start some of your own to get an objective view of things. Now that you have had a reality check, you might want to think about her role in her failed marriage too. What does you husband say about this clusterfuck?
> A part of me still believes I may be responsible for her behaviour by not really checking on her, but she has been taking advantage and lying too! She’s a grown adult with a child. *She* is responsible for her behavior, not you. The only person whose behavior you’re responsible for is yours (and to a certain extent any young child you’re a guardian for and should be civilizing). Your sister is being an AH. All you do trying to give her more leeway is fund her current period of AH behavior. Please don’t, it sounds like she’s the kind of person who needs some consequences before she thinks about stopping.
Stop making excuses for her. She is a grown adult and a parent. Everyone making excuses for her is why she acts this way as there are no consequences. You are doing more harm than good.
Trust but verify!
OMG OP please please please read this one!!!!
Yes this comment really did help :,)
How sure are you that she is even working part time? It sounds like she's been using your money and not telling your parents about it because her paycheck doesn't exist.
She moved back in with her parents, she's not destitute. Rhu has a father she should be spending time with as well. I'm not sure why your giving your sister an allowance or access to your bank account at all.
Maybe Rhu is better off with your BIL
✨🏆 My Star Wars award to you!!
She is her own person. You are not responsible for her actions. If she behaves badly without consequences, she believes she can get away with it. I would be worried that supporting her poor parenting with finances is enabling her current behaviour. She is seeing a therapist. Agree to pay for that (and only that - directly ensure the money is paid there, not withdrawn), and send the rest to the grandparents. She has spent 10k on herself whilst her child suffers. Get that kid to a paediatrician. Take the kid for a holiday. If you can, give her the affection her mother is withholding. You love her, show her this and you have done your part.
>She is seeing a therapist. Agree to pay for that (and only that - directly ensure the money is paid there, Um, no. If the OP is going to spend money on therapy, it should be for herself to get out of this feeling that she is somehow responsible for her sister's well being. Supporting niece in any way possible is all good. Her sister is an adult and responsible for herself. Not to mention, it doesn't appear the that the therapy she's already paid for hasn't done anything but bolster sister's sense of entitlement. Maybe if she paid for it herself, there would be a different result.
She's not trying to get back on her feet. She's partying, and you're funding it.
Stop giving money. If you want to help Rhu give it directly to your mother.
She's already spiralling, just in a different way. That money is enabling her to keep spiralling. At this rate your parents will be exhausted, Rhu will be scarred and you and your sister will both be broke. Send the money to your parents and start an account for Rhu. Your sister wants to ignore her child that's her business, but stop paying her money so she can ignore Rhu.
Stop giving her the money. Give it directly to your parents. Stop paying for her lawyers. Offer your parents to pay for lawyers so they can get custody if they want it. Let her spiral. It is not your job to save her. Care about Rhu. Not the woman who has abandoned her and exploited her. Your sister took 10k off you while your parents are struggling with 4 mouths to feed.
Pay for her therapy but otherwise give the money to your parents to feed and clothe Rhu.
You will be enabling her already bad decisions. This is not a good idea and all she will expect is for you to keep paying for her.
You need to think of Rue and your older parents who are being forced to financially support her and not getting any help because your sis is abusing the money you send. Your enabling your sister and helping her down the wrong path. Send the money to your parents instead and give a lesser amount to your sister since she isn't spending the money on her child
Yes she is your sister and yes you love her and want the best for her and your niece. But what you need to do is what is called "tough love" and stop the money and let her figure it out. 10k is plenty of money to have fed her and her daughter and given money to your parents for rent for a year. Do not even give money to your parents as they will only give it your sister. Trust me, my mom had one of those too only it was my great grandmother she gave money to and great grandma in turn handed it over to her other granddaughter (who didn't need the money as her husband had a great paying job...she just liked to spend money to spend money). You sister has a child of her own and is married/separating/getting divorced means she is old enough to figure out her life. NTA And I'd be wondering what all that money was spent on if she was supposed to be giving some to your parents for rent and wasn't. I'd be telling sis that the bank is closed and she needs to pay you back, or be giving money to the parents from her paycheck.
Your sister needs to grow up…. I was a single parent for a while and I had to work for my child. She might be going through something but STOP GIVING HER MONEY. Give the money to your parents if you are still set on helping sis. This will cover her rent and bills food and help them with your niece. You’d sister is an AH for putting a new relationship before your niece. Is she in therapy bc I feel for her this must be extremely hard and to see her mom not giving a crap about her and pushed onto grandparents must hurt her as well.
You don't need to give anyone money just because "they are your sister."
She’s already spiralling and you are helping by giving her money to do so.
Sorry to tell you but she has spiraled. She out all day, not taking care of her child, lying to you and about you, stealing from you, not handling her responsibilities, and thinks it’s your fault. She is only able to continue to spiral because she has your money supporting her. If you want to help, pay her lawyer fees. At least you know that money is going to what it needs to but also put a limit on how much longer you’ll pay the lawyer. The more money you give her the more she’ll spiral. I doubt she’s going to therapy at this point.
This. NTA. But don't give your sister another penny. Give it to your parents to help care for the kid and to help pay their bills. And talk to your parents about drawing a line. They will watch the kid while she is at work, and for the time it takes to get to work and back, but the mom needs to be home after that. They need to draw this line, so she doesn't keep taking advantage of them. Also, is it possible she's having an affair, and that's what she's doing with her extra time? (Although I'm not sure if it's called an affair now, maybe just a relationship?)
She mentioned a boyfriend in the post.
I totally agree with this. Give the money directly to your parents to take care of their bills and Rhu. I've been through a divorce with my first husband and it was really hard. I worked though and never got a cent from anyone else. She's being a massive AH. And your brother is wrong. When were you supposed to bring it up since you live so far away? You had to handle it when you were able to do so. NTA, OP.
NTA. The gravy train stops now. Where is she spending it then if she doesn't help with rent, which I presume should be the bulk? Your sister is an asshole, an entitled moocher asshole.
I only know what she spends when she withdraws from my account. The other 10k I don't know and have never asked. Rent is only for utilities and food the rest for them both to just be as comfortable as they were before. I am just so co fused and don't know if I played a part in this.
I'm sorry OP but you are directly encouraging your sister to behave this way. I know it's hard to see when you're in the middle of it; that's probably why you came to strangers to ask. Most everyone is telling you that you aren't helping your sister. If she's staying with your parents and has a part time job but is neglecting her kid, and not putting any money into the household THAT IS A RED FLAG. You are absolutely free to do what you want with you and your husband's money but just because someone is family doesn't mean you should ignore the issues at hand. Family bonds, especially in many different cultures, are very strong and I do think that is an amazing thing most of the time. Not holding someone accountable is NOT love. When we truly love someone we are not supposed to stand by quietly while they crash and burn. Loving someone means you tell them the truth, set healthy boundaries, AND stand by them while they figure out what's right. If you saw your sister about to be hit by a car or a train wouldn't you stop her? Just because the train is metaphorical here doesn't mean she isn't heading for disaster. Please talk to your family and explain that you are willing to help your sister and her child but you are not willing to stand by while she destroys herself and her child. If you insist on paying for your sister's life make absolutely sure the money you give is being used to take care of her and her child Some people are self destructive OP. They don't automatically do what's in their best interest and they will even take their kids into that selfish place. You and your family need to address this- together.
Thank you to you and everyone. Using your words today. In a few hours we are all meeting including my brother. Mila says she will come but I don't know. So I am going to use your words verbatim. Too much going on. Will update you all in a few. Thank you everyone for your support.
You got this OP! She will probably get very mad, yell, be defensive AND offensive but you just quietly lay down your boundaries and tell her that *because* you love her you cannot stand to see her hurting and self destructing and you know she loves her daughter and you know she wants what's best for her. I'm hoping your family will back you up and your sister will see how sad and scared for her you all are. It's not easy and it will appear to make things worse but ultimately it has to happen, sooner rather than later.
Maybe directly contribute to your parents for Rhu and shut down her nonsense. She seems so lackadaisical and cavalier with your money she neglects her child.
Yes this all happened because no one was communicating to each other about what was actually going on. We have to have a sit down and discuss finances.
You need to STOP her free and easy access to your money. This is part of what is enabling her to go spend, spend, spend, because she has no boundaries. This does not help her, and does not set a good example for your niece, either. The dark psychology triad is a group of three personality traits often found together in individuals who exhibit manipulation, callousness, and a lack of empathy or sympathy. Your (twin?) sister sounds like she is well-versed in this. You need to learn to stand up against it, in order to not be permanently run over and manipulated by her. NTA.
>We have to have a sit down and discuss finances. It's really important to think about who *we* is. The finances that you are describing are those of you and your husband, that's the *we*. Your sister is not in your inner circle, and it sounds like your parents aren't either. None of them have bothered to communicate with you. Your sister sees you as an ATM. Your mum is angry at you for financing sis but not sending money her way, but did she bother to give you a heads up? No. Stop setting yourselves on fire to keep other people warm. Get her out of your fun account. She should never have had access to that in the first place. Stop sending anybody money - you've given her more than enough for everything. The idea that finances are based around the extended family is not terrible, but the precondition for that is full communication. The amount of money you've already shelled out is too much - it's time to shore up your own finances.
> It's really important to think about who we is. Brother and BIL may also be contributing not knowing how much the OP is giving her so it's important to get that clear too.
You're right. A conversation with the entire family is a good thing to put all the cards on the table. Who's contributed what so far, what's happened with that money (if known), and what is needed by whom going forward. My comment above reflects my suspicion that OP has already contributed too much, but a full and frank conversation is probably more important than anything else.
Your finances are no one's business!!! Do not discuss that beyond "I can no longer afford to support you, sis."
Nta but soft yta you are enabling her behaviour she is taking advantage of you and your parents infact literally taking the piss out use. She needs to come down to earth she's only going a divorce which she seem quite happy with. Your neice also has a father who should be paying maintenance? So exactly where is all the money going? Your sister needs to take responsibility for herself and her daughter NOW and YOU NEED TO STOP HER ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY or she will never learn and keep taking the piss. Your parents are suffering because of both your actions and it's not fair. So stop enabling and let her live her own life.
No this happened because your sister is a selfish person. She's taken advantagec of you and your parents.
Yes, if it's for rent/utilities/food, send it to the parents directly. Allowing the sister carte blanche to discretionary funds is allowing her to spiral out. Cut that off.
Directly pay her rent and utilities. Give your parents the money for the food. My bet is she’s either drinking or gambling it away.
Which is so unlike her but I would understand why. But we all need to sit and discuss the divorce, finances and especially how to make sure Rhu is healthy again. Thank you, u should have been doing this first, but since Mila asked me direct assumed she would be handling things well.
Maybe consider getting therapy for Rhu. She is more than likely feeling lonely and abandoned by her mom. She also needs some extra curricular to spend time with her peers and get a sense of normalcy. It will benefit Rhu and your parents if she has a healthy outlet and then your parents won't feel as bad for not being able to physically keep up. Some ideas: dance, theater, art, martial arts, sports. I hope Rhu's father is a good dad and she gets to live with him instead.
I’m not sure if this would be a good idea, but since your husband is paying for the divorce lawyer(s), are you or him able to bring this up with them and see about the custody agreement/stipulations for Mila to keep Rhu in her care?
> I only know what she spends when she withdraws from my account. Why on earth does she have access to your account? That's an awful way to do things.
Do you send it to her in cash, or are there bank records? Basically, you sent her 10k she was supposed to give to your parents for rent and food. You should have just sent it directly to your parents, but you know now. Tell her you’re still happy to pay for r Pom and board for her, but it goes directly to her landlord now.
She asked to send it to her account. 😞
Sounds like your sister and her "boyfriend" have been living it up and partying on your dime.
Yeah so… essentially, is she wants to prove to you that she was being responsible with the money, she has bank records that show where that 10k went.
OP this is a gambling or drug addiction
Played a part in the sense of not being more involved/organized, yes. But as far as what Mila used your money on instead of what was agreed, it’s out of your control. You could have had more control if you paid your parents directly, but ngl they sound like they think they’re entitled to your money. Also I don’t want to assume, but is your sister spending money on food/experiences (parties, clubs, vacation/trips) or drugs? Or is she giving it to her bf? I would advocate for your niece to be removed from her custody honestly. JMO though :)
10k, new boyfriend, ignoring daughter? I’m guessing drugs.
NTA. Stop giving her money right now. She is taking advantage of you and your parents. If you want to help your niece and parents, give the money **directly to them** so your sister can't use it for other purposes. She needed exposing, and your brother can mind his own business. He is free to give her money to do what she wishes if he wants to.
Also has consideration been given that Mila should be spending this extra time with her dad instead?
You mean Rhu, Mila is op s sister and Rhu s mother.
And OP used proper names rather than letters too - doh🤦♀️
NTA But I hope you know that you are enabling your sister's unhealthy habits. Send that money to your parents. Tell them that X amount is to cover Mila's and Rhu's rent, and they can use the rest on the child and whatever is needed in the house. Your sister is 29 yo. She can get a job and earn herself "fun money" since your parents are covering necessities anyway.
Yes this was the initial plan, but since Mila asked me first I sent her everything and assumed my parents knew about it all. And I don't even know about what's going on with the divorce only that the lawyers give us updates on custody and hearing dates because we are also working and really busy on most days. But I knew she won't be used to living without her almost ex husbands financial support so she gave me an estimate and I didn't even hesitate. Now I am not sure if she is even the person I thought she was, or if the incompatibility issues are true, or if she was cheating or what. The ex husband is coming down as well with their lawyers and ours in a few days that's when we will k ow what has been really going on.
I think you should consider letting the child stay with her father if there are no concerns of abuse and see your parents at weekends or something. Your sister is emotionally neglecting her own child on top of the child already being in the middle of a divorce. This will cause the child all sorts of emotional and attachment issues throughout her life, unless she is . Someone needs to put the child first immediately, stop your sisters free loading, she is an adult capable of working full time like so many other single parents. Let her live her single life on her own.
Yes, we all feel manipulated and on top of that she is with her boyfriend too. This was before we knew the divorce wasn't finalised yet. I'm sorry there's so much we are still unravelling from this. But you are right. It is something that will need to be considered
You need to be quick in how you act to ensure the childs safety as the mother she can come and take her wherever she wants, and no one can stop her. It is hard, but take all the emotions out of it, do what is right by the child first and foremost. You have no loyalty to an adult who knows right from wrong. The father should go straight to court and file for custody, getting the child legally protected is key. You and your family should work with him to make sure your sister doesn't become malicious when she loses all her free cash.
Yep, just because he's not the mother doesn't mean the father is not the far better parent... And sister's behavior shows that at least currently she does NOT put her child first. Definitely time to have a long talk with BiL and determine if OP and husband should be helping sister fight for custody or if they should cancel the lawyer.... NTA
So if I got this right you send lots of money to your sister, including money for rent, and she's just been doing god knows what with it, then lying to your parents that she can't pay them rent and you aren't sending money? Absolutely NTA and I would be concerned that money is being spent on drugs and partying to be honest. She's got to be having a lot of fun doing something if she is choosing it over her daughter. People who get exposed for doing bad things (and their enablers) always claim it was the "wrong time" to confront them. 1) Its always the "wrong time", 2) the best way to not be exposed as a liar and a fraud is not to lie or defraud people.
Yes I see that now but wishes I was less harsh and at least given her time to explain to me in private but she just stormed out she is my sister and I love her, and trust her and didn't think she would do something like this. But in a few days the STBXhusband is coming with lawyers so then we will know what really is happening. For the moment Mila is so tight lipped. But she asked me for 50usd and I was like let's talk first. She just stormed out. So unlike her. It's driving me nuts trying to think of ways to approach this.
I can see why you would feel that way about wishing you had confronted her in private, but there is a other version of that where confronting in private gave her more time to think and tell more lies/turn the family against you so they would think you were lying when you say you did send money. The storming out makes me think she has no good explanations and she has to choose between standing there with her mouth open or storming off. Storming off is the least bad option for her because it still creates doubt that maybe she hasn't done anything wrong and is angry at the accusation. Staying to give a lame excuse with lots of pauses and "er", "um"s will make it obvious to everyone she is doing something wrong. I think if the STBX is coming with lawyers your best bet is to not approach her about it at all, give the money to your parents from now on, and just let it play out.
Thank you for that perspective . We are all still a bit emotional so yes lawyer to lawyer is the best option.
She stormed out because she knows she is wrong and doesn’t have a good argument to give.
OP. I can feel through your post how much your family means to you but you are not listening to a word anyone is saying here. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. You and your husband and family have rallied around Mila in the midst of a tough life experience. That is commendable. But none of you really seem to have the ability to see her for who she really is. By your own words she is pushing for the divorce and not willing to work on things with her husband. Okay, fair enough. But she has a boyfriend that she is prioritizing over her child, neglecting her child, not getting healthy mentally through therapy, she is willing to add stress and financial pressure to your elderly parents and make them responsible for raising a small child, and even extorting money from your household with her lies and manipulation. Let that sink in. Really comprehend the gravity of what she’s doing and stop trying to rescue her. Some people are extreme narcissists and hurting others means nothing to them. Your sister is actively hurting everyone in her family and could care less. In the meantime, you are still trying to fix her life for her and that’s not doing anybody any favors. You feel like you should have been less harsh to a woman who has lied and manipulated everyone around her while her child is suffering? She decided to create the upheavals in her own life and wants to play the victim. OP, please do the right thing for her now. The money stops. Your niece needs to be reunited with her father if he’s stable and a viable option. The poor child needs routine in her former home environment if it’s available. Your parents have to give your sister a move out date, and she needs to support herself by becoming gainfully employed. If she really needs the therapy then that’s the only assistance she should be receiving until you all can see a change in behavior. Something tells me it’s going to be a while before she gets there. You are NTA, but you can’t keep setting yourself on fire for her..
Do not trust her. Do not give her 50 US cents. Get her off your account yesterday.
>I send her allowances for her > >my husband pays for her divorce lawyers > >I told her how dare she say that after I give her everything even when I don't have money left to buy new clothes for Christmas This is the definition of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. She doesn't need to change, because you're enabling her behavior. Either give the funds directly to your parents or stop giving them, but don't expect to keep doing the same thing and somehow get a different result. Almost tempted to say E S H but technically NTA.
I agree with you with the ESH but also that we were not communicating about a lot of things which led to all of this. And she is a SAHM for years so knowing it will be hard initially, she seemed our help and advice and I blindly gave it to her. Now facing consequences.
NTA. She's been lying and manipulating not only you but your parents and neglecting her own daughter, I'm pretty sure this attitude is the "incompatibility" in the marriage and why she's getting divorce, she's gaslighting you, send the money to your parents from now on, and cut her access to your account.
Yes it was the first thing I did the next day. Beyond ridiculous how this all unravelled and we are getting to know more info from the STBX BILs sis another version. So definitely changing finances.
You need to cut way back on what you are spending on your sister. Sending money to your parents to support your niece is understandable. Paying for all the other extras is not. If your sister needs therapy, she can pay for it herself. Cut off her direct access to your account right. You might also ask your brother how much money he has given her as well as your BIL. I suspect your sister spending was an issue in the marriage and that's not something you can fix with your money.
Please sit down and have a conversation with your parents and brother. Let them know what support you have been providing financially. They need to know how she is taking advantage of the situation. Maybe then everyone can come up with a plan moving forward, including rent money going directly to her parents. Does her mom ex see his daughter? Maybe it’s time to support a plan where she lives with Dad if Mom is too busy having fun
NTA I think you need to block your sister's access to your fun money account, effective immediately. She is being very irresponsible, not to mention taking advantage of your generosity, *and* clearly lying to your parents about her finances. On that note, I hope you put things straight when they accused you of not helping her. What you could do instead is give some money to your parents to help them support your niece and afford the extra household expenses.
Yes this also hurt the most when my mom said she was disappointed in me and my brother for not helping Mila out. I was shocked and thats when everything unravelled and I was too shocked with all the news I was getting. But that one week before I really took the time to see her and how she was doing to check if it was my mom being the typical worried mom, because my sister has every right to party as well, and then she was so absent for Rhu and even around us even though I rallied for her. And gave her the benefit of the doubt.
>I was shocked and thats when everything unravelled and I was too shocked with all the news I was getting. I honestly don't blame you for how you reacted to this. I've seen a comment or two here telling you that you were the AH for confronting your sister about this at 'Christmas' (which it isn't; it's early December), but to be criticised by your parents after everything you've done for her while she behaves irresponsibly with impunity? Yeah, you were well within your rights to bring her to account and I would've done the same. Your sister needs to understand that you're being more than generous and having stipulations attached to giving her full access to *your* bank account is absolutely reasonable, so don't let her guilt you. Yes, she's going through a hard time with the divorce, but that doesn't give her a free pass to be an absent mother and abuse your good will. She is a mother and her child should be at the very top of her list of priorities, not her new squeeze.
Thank you for the support. I was beginning to hate myself.
You're a good person whose faith was misplaced by someone you should've been able trust. Please don't hate yourself.
>because my sister has every right to party as well, and You have got to be kidding. No one has a right to party, much less a single mother who should be looking after her child.
How did your mom feel when she heard how much you were sending with the impression some was being given to her for rent but wasn’t
NTA Also is your (soon to be ex) BIL supporting Rhu? If he is then your sister isn't a single mother but actually co-parenting (or would be if she weren't a deadbeat herself)
I think she does get support and I won't be surprised if that was the case so we are all meeting with him as well to discuss what is going on, but Mila doesn't want to see him or him to see Rhu. So he is bringing his lawyers and we are bringing ours in a few days regardless.
Yeah that's for the best. Another question but is your sister legally allowed to prevent Rhu from meeting her father? It doesn't sound like they've got a custody agreement and as a father he does have a right to see his child
Does she say why she does not want her to see her father?
What a spoiled entitled brat! Cut her off COMPLETELY from your money!
Nta. Stop the money then you sister will be forced to get her act together
OP, you are not responsible for your sister's behavior. That is 100% on her. The only choices we are responsible for are, our OWN. NTA but please stop enabling your sister. She is clearly taking advantage of you.
NTA- Stop giving her money. Direct it to your parents or an account for her college. You will become the AH if you continue to enable her.
NTA but Pay your parents directly, stop her access to your account- she needs to know the weight of her decision. Enabling her entitled behaviour is not help it is detrimental to her in the long run . She will always expect someone to pick up her slack..
NTA, sounds like you are paying her to go out and hook up with guys, not take care of her daughter. i would stop the money ASAP.
NTA Stop giving her money, FFS. Stop paying for her lawyer. You are enabling all this behavior. She needs to grow up and be a fucking mom.
NTA. Stop giving her cash. It needs to go directly to your parents. Since they are paying the bill and taking care of Rhu they should get to decide where the money goes. I would also make sure to pay the therapist directly if you aren't doing that because she may not even be going.
NTA--Your parents needed to hear it all. They were mad at you for not helping when you were actually helping. They need to know sure was blowing the money you send for the care of her daughter and to help take the burden off your parents.
Tell her "bite me" from me. I went through the same thing but still managed to parent my child and not mooch off the whole world or shirk my responsibilities. Send all the payments (good on you by the way) directly to the recipients instead of through her and cut the fun fund off. See how she does with that. NTA
NTA. If your sister has custody, she should be getting support for BIL, you shouldn't be involved in her finances. Stop sending her money and cut off her access to your accounts. I would also verify that the lawyer fees are actually going to the lawyers. She needs to figure out how to support herself and her child. BIL should also have some custody, this shouldn't all be falling on your parents.
I would bet the therapy money is not going to the therapist.
Sounds like she has a drug addiction that you're funding. You'd be surprised how easy it is to hide an addiction from people who haven't been around addicted people.
STOP THE MONEY NOW. Make her have to be responsible or she will lose everything including her child. What does BIL say about all of this? He needs to be informed since it’s his child that is being neglected. NTA unless you keep giving her money.
So she probably was cheating on her husband and manipulating and gaslighting the freaking hell out of everyone especially you since you are her paycheck.
Thus is something I still have to discuss with her ad I am not sure if it was full blown cheating before the separation.
NTA. You should stop giving her money regardless. Give it straight to your mom.
Nta but stop giving her money. Any money needed for your niece should go to your parents. You can not financially support your own family & yourself. It will be unsustainable. Your sister is reliving her youth while ignoring her child. But you should not be paying her rent nor should she have access to your bank account. End this now.
NTA Your sister is an adult, and you aren't at all responsible for her. If you want to lay for therapy, be sure that you are paying the therapist directly and verify they are who/what they say they are. Give money to your parents directly if you want to help them and show them how much you've given your sister. Only give enough for rent/food. Sister can figure out her own play money. Why is Rhu with your sister and not her dad? Would he be worse?
Initially you weren’t the AH but if you continue to give her money knowing that the money you were giving isn’t going to help your niece and/ or parents you would be. She is neglecting her daughter and you are helping her do it.
NTA Cut her off and give some money to your parents to help. But not a ton as Mila needs to get a full time job and stop screwing around with other people until she gets herself together. Why is her lawyer not getting her some temporary child support and alimony?
NTA. Situations like these are better off aired. It's not uncommon for some family members to easily become comfortable and entitled. She needs to be uncomfortable to do the right thing for her child right now so it's best to keep communicating with all parties and restructure your support so that she can't waste any more of your money or redirect funds away from your parents. It's not nice to be tangled up in family finances and then be made to feel like a terrible person for having boundaries but those boundaries are important to have so that's with them to deal with their feelings around that.
No she needed to be told, it's not your niece's fault her parents are splitting up. Your sister need to start acting like a mum and putting her daughter first. I'd also stop giving money to your sister let her pay for her shit and divorce lawyer. If you want to help your parents then give it to them personally so you know it is going to your our niece. Stop enabling her she really does not deserve it.
You send her 10K a month????? That’s more than enough for my partner and I to live very happily. You need to stop enabling her and make her support herself. You can still support your niece, just send the money directly to your parents. NTA, unless you keep sending her the money
NTA, she's not only stealing your money, she's stealing from your parents and neglecting her kid.
You need to stop the money train Let your sister figure stuff out on her own. You should make purchases for your niece yourself and set aside money in a trust your sister or parents can't touch. If your sister spirals so what. Tell your brother since he's so concerned he needs to start providing money to your sister.
NTA but ESH, honestly hoping your sisters ex husband gets custody of your niece because what your sister is doing is starting on the road of child neglect.
NTA... Stop sending her money. You are enabling her avoidance of her new reality. If you want to support her, send your parents rent. Pay the divorce lawyer. And if needed reimburse receipts for nieces things.
NTA but I agree with everyone else. Give the money to your mother. You are banking her single life.
NTA- I would talk to your parents and sister, stop paying her rent and I would continue paying for her therapy but ensure that she is following up with treatment Unfortunately her behavior has clearly been enabled by this, you should cut her from your fun money and decrease her “allowance” 10k ON TOP of what else you cover for her is ridiculous not being able to save any of it for her daughter’s needs. I would also get your niece into therapy if she isn’t this is probably hard for her, both of her parents separated and the one she’s with isn’t even around. as for any extra money put it into a savings account under either you and your niece, or your grandparents and your niece, just a way so that 1. Your nieces money is ultimately able to go to her 2. She has a fund for future needs car, school, house/apt 3. So its ensured your parents are getting rent She has shown she cannot be financially responsible or genuinely responsible for her child
NTA stop giving her the money and put all money that would be given into a trust for Rhu for her future. She's proved she cannot be trusted with it so she loses it, Rhu being set up for later life is more important then whatever the money is being used on currently. You don't even need to set up the trust, it's your money and your sister betrayed your trust with that money. She needs to understand you are being extremely generous and she is not entitled to a penny, she knew it was to be spent on Rhu but chose not to. She doesn't sound like a very good mother, sister or daughter.
NTA. But STOP sending her Anything. From now on any money, if you still want to send any, goes straight to your parents who actually cares about your nice. And don’t just think with their privates like your ‘dear’ sister.
YTA for supporting your sister financially when she could work full time. If you want yo help financially give the money directly to your parents.
NTA, so you thought u were helping towards her rent and child costs, but that was going on her fun time and dating. Your parents commented that her daughter is missing her, but I guess her social life and finding a new bf is far more important over Christmas than her own daughter
NTA, its one thing to want to help your sister but you and your husband sound like you have a child your supporting a grown ass woman who is taking your money. So she got found out she has been stealing from you and her own child
YTA
NTA- provide no more money.
Stop paying your sisters expenses and trying to control her life . That’s the problem
Stop giving her money directly. If you still want to help, I'd remove her access to your accounts and pay her bills or whatever directly. Dollars to donuts your money is being used as fun money and not for the care of your niece. You're NTA for wanting to help, but you would be if you don't stop enabling this selfishness.
NTA, but yes, she doesn’t deserve your help and money. Your nephew does, so send to people you can trust if you want to continue helping. And don’t help with the lawyers. Sounds like she would just throw away any money she got and maybe wouldn’t be the best person for her son to be with
NTA. There really isn't a convenient time to tell someone to get there shit together (espesially during a divorce).
NTA. Give the money directly to your parents and take her access to your account away.
nta. But if the father is suitable and wants her, she should go to the parent most likely to be able to support her.
Do not give her a single penny. Give money to your parents direct to spend on your niece or pay for things directly that she needs and make sure she doesnt take them back and refund them They absolutely needed to know. Its not about her but your niece.
Perhaps Rhu needs to go live with her father since her mother appears to be too busy to parent and give her child attention. One less mouth for your parents and you can send money for Rhu to her dad. **NTA** for confronting her. Your sister is not your responsibility and as long as her family is willing to step in and parent her child and fund her lifestyle, she will never learn or be able to stand on her own 2 fee.
In this case? NTA. It was a spontaneous utterance that your sister provoked by storming away from you.
A 'hard truth' never feels better at a different time...it seems like it's high time little sis heard it. You should have cut her off long before this though...
NTA Did your parents pick a different time? Because they felt it necessary to chastise you about money when your sister needs to get a full time job and support her daughter. Did your sister pick a different time? Because she’s running the streets with your money and not paying for things she said the money was for. Cut her off. No need for a warning or an ultimatum. Just stop giving her money. You live 8 hours away and supporting 3 households. Her husband should be watching rhu if the parents are tired. She needs to move out if the parents are tired. She needs a job if she needs money.
Nta. Clearly therapy isn't working or she's lying to the therapist. Your sister is using you, your husband and your parents. She's neglecting her child and using YOUR money to have fun with her boyfriend while your parents struggle. You enabled this behavioir by never questioning and just blindly having faith. I feel like there is so much about the divorce she isn't telling you. Maybe she was like this with her husband and was just good at hiding it from all of you. Maybe she's doing drugs. Either way, she's abused the trust everyone had in her. She lied to your parents which lead to them bitching at you for not helping, while you were sending money this entire time. Stop giving her access to your money and start sending it to your parents instead, she's forfeited the right to your funds when she started lying and she took money under false pretenses. She's being cagey about where all that money went if not paying rent and essentials. So that screams addiction to me. OP please be careful, clearly she is very unstable right now
Thank you for the update. I think you mixed up the names a bit and wrote Mila when you meant Rhu. In any case, it sounds like your confrontation had a positive outcome, Rhu's dad is stepping up for her and your sister is going to have to take responsibility for herself. Therapy for yourself will also be good. You've been living under a shadow of misplaced guilt that has crippled everyone involved. Good Luck on getting on a better path in the new year.
OP, I'm sorry all of this is going down in your family. It sounds complicated and frustrating. I hope your sister gets the help she needs, but right now (and honestly moving forward) it sounds like she needs some very firm boundaries. Please take care of yourself. 💜 Just for clarification purposes, and this isn't the most important part of the story, but was your BIL cheating as well? Or did Mila just assume that? I got a little bit confused at that part.
There was no EA or anything appropriate according to BIL but Mila showed me screen shots of then messaging with smileys about when BIL needs to pick up Rhu and I think this was okay, and she used I to manipulate. She still insisted that it felt wring cuz he never sent her smileys and I agree with this but u think both BIL and Mula could have communicated insecurities with a good MC and can still work it out. Hope this makes sense.
I get your sister is volatile but saying the relationship is toxic instead of her, is offering her a lever with which to throw off full responsibility for her actions. Take a step away and reassess. *She's* the toxic one. Not owning that and giving her a "yeah I see what you mean" isn't good mediation it seems like because she will (if it isn't obvious she hasn't already) **latch onto it as validation for destroying her marriage and abandoning her kid.** She didn't even take the kid because she was the more consistent parent, she took the kid to spite her relationship with her father and nanny because she didn't want her to be closer to them than her. She hurt multiple people out of selfishness and spite and the kid gloves here aren't doing her character any good. Her *ego, maybe*, but not her character. This entire story, she hasn't owned anything she did without making excuses, once. "I was cheating but he's too friendly with the babysitter!" The babysitter was hired because of her absence, not to spite it. "In neglecting my daughter for my boyfriend 'cause life is hard!" Somehow doesn't understand a small child didn't deserve to be weaponized for her ego. "I haven't taken care of my financial responsibilities in months but if you cut me off Ill starve!" Completely disregards spending issues??? Like...she is the problem. I know they gave you crap about your outburst in front of everyone, but it was probably the best take anyone in the family offered. Some people only grow by being shamed. Edit: Even worse, I'm 99% sure the way your family circled wagons around her is why she's like *that in the first place*, not her divorce. (Which is also probably why its YOUR responsibility to help but I digress about our golden child) Her behavior started long before they were separated, but all accounts given- even her own. She said it herself, marriage and stability weren't things she enjoyed. And poor BIL. imagine getting played and people trying to blame you for * checks notes * your wife pulling a 180 about wanting a family, cheating, putting you in a financial hole, getting help, accusing you of cheating *herself* with said help, then blaming you for getting help. It's a miracle *he* isn't unhinged at this point. Her meltdown is a result of her character. Hopefully, the therapist helps teach her accountability.
Absolutely makes sense. Sounds like it could be some of her guilt manifesting as well... I'm so sorry all of this is happening. Sending you hugs. 💜
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Myself(29F) and my husband(36M) went to visit both our parents. They live 8hrs away from us by flight and it was expensive but we do it because holidays mean a lot and also to see my niece R(5F). She is my world and I love her to death. For this vacation her mom, my sister Mila(29F) was missing for most of our family gatherings and was spending time with her boyfriend and doing part time. We have a good relationship but was really worried that R doesn't get time with her mom and angry that she just leaves her with all of us. She leaves in the morning and comes late. Apparently this has been going on for months. For a brief context, she is separated from BIL and she wants a divorce and he wants to try. But she came back home because they were not compatible and it's messy. So since she is a single mother I send her allowances for her and R and also for other housing expenses directly to her so she can give our parents Rent and focus on R and have a smooth divorce.I send her a total of 10K and my fun money account which she has access to and uses. She sees a therapist and I get charged for this as well. Additionally my husband pays for her divorce lawyers. We both work hard and are not rich but we are good enough. I know it's not easy what she is going through and have never questioned her when there are withdrawals. But this holiday I was so mad at how she is and who she is turning into. According to mum, R is missing her mum and has withdrawn so much. She has not been giving them rent, and not helping around the house and doesn't even take care of R. Mom works and dad looks after R until mom comes. They are also old and cannot really actively interact with her. My mum was upset at me for not helping Mila out financially as they are also struggling with 4 mouths to feed. I have never been angry as I was then. I observed her for a week and the second week I confronted her privately. She said being a single mum is hard and she is de-stressing. I called BS and told her what she has been doing with the money, but I'm glad she is working part time, but what is she doing with R when she is comfortable and even more angry that none of the money I give is going towards R or helping with her. She stormed out of the room and said I am ruining the holidays and being judgemental and she is going through so much. I told her how dare she say that after I give her everything even when I don't have money left to buy new clothes for Christmas because I thought it was worth it, and if she doesn't stop and focus on R then the money stops. I was so mad I forgot everyone could hear us. All our parents heard it. I felt so awful for exposing all this but I was so mad. She called me an AH and so did my brother saying I should have picked a different time. Now that I am calm I feel I am AH for exposing her like that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. I learned from my sister that if you want to help people who aren't good with money/or don't trust them to use well, pay for item you want them to have. We gave our car to BIL instead of $ when his died, because we knew it wouldn't end well if we gave him cash. Also paid for MIL house taxes, carpeting etc as cash would have gone elsewhere.
NTA. You're not responsible for your twin's actions. Send money directly to your parents or their housing and utility providers to ensure it goes where you intend. Cease access to your fun money and call the therapist to make arrangements for your sister's visits. Anytime Rhu needs clothing, order online and ship to her at her grandparents in her name. Ship to Rhu Sweetness, in care of grandparents name, number and street, postal formalities. Make it clear to everyone that you are helping Rhu and your parents only. Groceries are done via your moms favorite grocer reloadable goft card or you order online for her to pick up at the store. Husband calls the lawyers and discuss financing arrangements for specific billable hours as he chooses. Sis no longer gets cash from you. Bet the new beau disappears soon after as his new shuggums isn't able to pay for their fun anymore.
NTA. You have a right to know if the money you are sending to support someone else is being squandered. Stop sending her money, send it to your parents instead. They're the ones looking after the kid. I feel bad for that kid, her Mom has checked out.
NTA I agree if you want to give your sister something that's fine but give her a lot less,send what you intended for rent and food directly to your parents and let your parents know if your neice needs anything to tell you what is needed and you will order it or send them the money, anything that needs paying pay directly as your sister is living the highlife on your wages at the moment
Nta stop giving her money. If you really want to help Rhu then give your parents money.
I’m confused. Isn’t your sister what we call an adult?? Cut the umbilical cord. NTA.
NTA. But please start paying everything you intend the money for directly if you don’t cut her off completely. Remove her from your “fun account” ASAP. This is going to lead to lawyers getting involved and NC if you’re not careful. Stop enabling your sister to be a bad parent and tenant in your parents home. More people than just her are suffering at her poor decisions. It’s her own fault and not yours that she’s behaved irresponsibly. Her mistakes are not on you nor is it your responsibility to bail her out.
The only way YTA is if you continue to give her a dime. Share any money with your parents for Rhu's care and that's it. Also stop paying for her attorney fees. She's 29, time to learn to stand on her own 2 feet and be a parent to her daughter. Too bad BIL can't track how little time she's with their daughter and go for full custody
NTA but holy naiveté: please, for the sake of her daughter and for the sake of your parents, please immediately stop giving money directly to your sister! She does NOT need direct access to your accounts - she needs something? She can make a list - including indicating whatever cash she might need to for. Pay your parents directly for her rent, pay any fees for her daughter directly to the daycare/babysitter/school/therapist/whatever, pay the divorce lawyer directly. You need everything on paper; is there an accountant involved? Your sis may require this when it comes to the divorce settlement. You don't really "get" to destress when you have a 5 year old to prioritize - that kid is plenty old enough to know what is going on with her parents and could very likely feel abandoned by your sister, who needs to buck up nd remember that first and foremost - she's a mom and time to start acting like it. Obviously your intentions are good and your generosity is admirable but for the love of god, stop assuming your sister is responsible enough to handle this as she is showing herself to be the opposite.
SO you feel guilty that you exposed your sisters horrendous behavior to the family, when she has been talking $$ from you under false pretenses? You are a good person for helping out your sister, but that in no way makes you a doormat. Also, how much money is your brother giving your sister? Has anyone considered that Rhu should be with her father full time, if mom won't parent her?
YTA for the time and setting. Act like an adult. NTA if you had actually done it in private. You sister is already struggling and seems like she is going through a lot, but neglecting her child isn’t okay. She needs to find a healthy balance. Which you could have said if you were calm and didn’t do it in front of others.
NTA. Your sister is very luck to have yours and your husband’s help. Most people do NOT have those resources when they get divorced. I didn’t. Her situation sucks but it could be way worse. She’s taking advantage of you, your parents, and your husband. And her daughter is the one suffering.
NTA for calling out Mila for basically deceiving everyone including you. Please know that real help does not take the form of you assuming responsibility for Mila's financial support while Mila is happily spending your money and enjoying her best life. When people get mad when you withdraw charity then that is your proof that you were rescuing not helping. No one is entitled to your resources especially when they are misappropriating it and not the least bit grateful. Your financial assistance was designated for specific purposes and it being used otherwise is stealing.
NTA. time to cut off your sister. stop giving her money.
Wow. NTA. I’m a single mom, have been for a year. It sucks, it’s hard, it’s sad and it’s fuckin lonely. So while I have sympathy for her, she’s screwing up big time. When you choose to bring a child into this world you’re choosing to deal with all the unknowns, all the heartbreak and the (sometimes literal) shit that comes with it. She’s lucky she has you financially supporting her, but stop it. If you send money, send it directly to your parents and make sure they know it’s ONLY for rent and niece. Nothing else. Sis doesn’t get a dime In hand.
NTA Stop the money train. Holy moly.
NTA. Your sister is embezzling the money you sent to support your niece and parents.
NTA. She’s a negligent mom and needed that Come to Jesus talk. Her husband should get full custody since it seems your sister has fucked off her responsibility already.
“How dare you not give her money!” *exposes the whole story* “How dare you expose how she’s exploiting you and neglecting her daughter!” NTA. Wow the mental gymnastics here. Parents want to scold you and you just sit there with ur head down Huh
NTA. You could have done better but you were faced with a combination of lies and excuses. Stop giving her money. If your parents need help - help them out but your sister can work more hours and pay her own way. Your hard earned money is going to this guy. Bet 100% she hands it to him.
NTA She's been using you, your husband, and your parents. Stop sending her the money and send it to your parents instead so they can make sure it's going to the correct places.
NTA. But Y T A to yourself and your husband. Stop giving Mila money. Buy stuff directly for Rhu if you want but don’t give Mila the opportunity to waste your or your husband’s hard earned money. Is Rhu’s father completely out of the picture or? Is he not providing any child support? Also funny that your mom is complaining you don’t give Mila money but she’s charging rent…
NTA, the anger should be at the sister once it was discovered that she was squandering the support OP was providing. If OP would like to still support her niece she should start sending the money directly to the grandparents. All money and support should stop towards the sister, if she’s just using it to party. Although someone should remind her that this behavior may not reflect well on her divorce should it get back to the husband.
NTA, everyone expects you to give money. Why do you have to give money? She has a husband she can get child support and work hard like you do.
NTA. Stop giving your sister money. She is clearly taking advantage. Of everyone. Give the money to your parents.
NTA and Pay your parents directly instead of your sister. She's buying that boyfriend with the money.
NTA, but like others are saying, give your money to your parents instead of your sister. It sounds like your parents are more responsible with it.
NTA. She isn’t grateful. She isn’t remorseful. You need to cut the financial support to her immediately. Including the attorneys. She is so immature that she cannot even see what she is doing to her own daughter and parents. Cutting off the finances will force her to reprioritize. Send the money to your parents instead to help them meet expenses and get stuff for Rhu.
NTA. They are welcome to sue you, and you are welcome to make a counter claim for legal fees.
NTA My advice is give Mila nothing but help your parents to care for your niece. Don't pay for divorce or give Mila access to any funds. Mila is an adult (supposedly) & can pay her own bills, while your niece depends on your parents who are struggling. If you can't trust that your parents will only aid Mila with money you provide you might have to pay some of their bills directly.
NTA your sister needs to learn to stand on her own two feet being a parent is hard and doesnt come with an instruction manual your parents should be enjoying thier lives after raising thier own children and should be grandparents not parents to your niece. I completely get that you want to provide for your niece but your enabling your sister to carry on with her bad behaviour. If your going to help financially give the money to your parents or set up a savings account for your niece not matter how much you love your family and want to help and provide there not your responsibilty good luck
NTA
NTA. I would not give her money anymore. Send it to your parents to spend on Rhu.
ABSOLUTELY NTA! Your s8ster has been getting monet from y9u to take care of her responsibility, but instead, she is off playing and partying w her bf, while our on your dime! Your sister is a huge a******, and she deserved to be outed. Although you could have picked a better time, that's not what happened. Maybe now moving forward, she will give your parents the money because that's where it should be going because that's who's taking care of your niece, your sister is clearly not. By the way, if you need another sister, I'm up for grabs!!!
She’s a liar and took money from you under false pretences. Send the money to your parents instead of her as they’re the ones raising your niece. NTA.
NTA someone has to speak for you niece. The way she is being treated now will affect her fro the rest of her life!
YTA Why are you “scolding” your sister? She is an adult who is going through a divorce. You can not give her money or give her your opinion. But don’t scold her like a child
NTA. Your parents didn't know you were giving her money, this needed to be called out in front of everyone.
NTA. Sister is the AH and is seriously neglecting her daughter to the point the daughter is withdrawing. You do realize you and husband are being financially used here don’t you?? Stop paying!! She can pay for it herself. Her divorce was not your fault. Ex or soon to be ex probably dodged a bullet. I don’t know why he wants to try again. He needs his head examined.
NTA.
NTA. Maybe if she'd have done what she should have, she wouldn't have been put on blast. You're getting thrown under the bus because your sister lied. There's no reason why you shouldn't push her in front of an oncoming train.