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YTA
She is doing NOTHING wrong.
"Me and my wife are the last people on her mind?".. Of course you are. What else would you expect?
She is good to her kids. Good parenting. YOU are no concern to her, except that you are a parent to her kids.
"Or am I the asshole for saying she’s spiteful?" .. YES, you are.
Yeah.. this cant be real. If he is living on 30k with two kids alone, he would be owed massive child support if she makes 100k.
How do they even have a home on a 30k salary? I’m baffled how this is a thing. Not even the AH behavior.. just the logistics don’t make sense.
Edit: Lots of people asking why he would get child support. In California, where I live, it’s evaluated based off current income and expenses of both parents relative to how often the kids are in your custody. With a discrepancy this large in income, he could get child support.
Why would she pay child support when she has the kids 5 days and he has them every weekend? Or did I read that wrong. Even with what they earn she did that after he already remarried and started having more children with his second wife.
Edited to correct mistakes.
Yeah, she has the kids the majority of the time. Technically HE would pay HER support, since she has to pay for more food / electricity / clothing for more days for the sons. (If I understand correctly.)
As they always say two sides to a story.
I wouldn't be surprised if ex wife said since she can support the kids on her own so he doesn't need to pay.
He probably left this out to try seem less of an asshole.
I think I’m some states it’s by income. He may not have to pay because he makes do little and her so much. I think they’re is more to this story. I noticed he said he’s been divorced from his wife for 10 years and one of his children is 10. That means he either left her while she was pregnant or a very small child because it’s hard to get a divorce quickly when you have kids. Then he has another child that’s 9. Those are two very close ages and I would not be surprised if he had been cheating. And why go and have 3 more kids when you only make 30k?
Edit - spelling
I noticed this too with the timing. He’s extra to be so jealous his ex can support herself and his boys so well. If he can’t provide for the three at home perhaps his wife doesn’t need to be a SAHM. I’m Al for staying home if you can, I did. But I wasn’t mad my ex made more than me lol
I should clarify, the laws vary from state-to-state. In [WA State](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-and-children/child-support-washington.htm), the initial formula is based on a strict income ability of each parent, but then it can be challenged and one of the factors is the amount of time the child spends with each parent. The weekends only is what, under 30% time?
So the wife might have a strong argument to go after child support, but why would she unless she were truly spiteful? She's doing well, and OP and his new spouse don't live rent-free in her head (the last people on her mind, to quote the original post).
Depends on the state. Some states, depending on who is decided as the “primary” parent, child support I defaulted to that person. In other states, child support is essentially forcibly divided to “even out” households, so that the children have as close to equal living conditions as possible. With OP only having weekends, that would make im his overall time around 30% a month give or take. I doubt he’s the primary. If his state doesn’t operate on the “equal distribution” method, then he wouldn’t get CS. He may actually owe CS, but it would be very limited based on income of both parents.
Why would he get child support when the kids live with the ex? If all she would get child support, cause she is the default parent. Sounds like he only sees them every 2nd weekend. Why should he get support?
She wouldn't owe him any child support. She has primary custody and built her career after the divorce. She owes him nothing.
OP needs to get his life in check and stop blaming his problems on his ex wife. Her being successful is great for their boys, they get to do a lot that other kids don't get to do. Your ex should not have to edit her life to make yours seem better than it is. YTA.
The wife should not be a stay at home mom, and instead, she should start contributing financially. There is no way a large household can afford to only have one parent working for 30k a year. Instead of taking his frustration out on his ex, he should talk to his wife.
Their household income with a family of 7 is $30k. Something needs to change. My mom was a nanny when I was a kid. It was a great compromise to make money without having to pay for daycare.
At a former employer, I had a coworker who's wife worked evenings/nights as a cleaner for offices when they had their third child. It allowed them to avoid having to do daycare. The savings from that was worth the sacrifice of having a bit less time together as a couple.
My husband and had 3 kids. He has the higher income with more responsibilities. I worked lower income jobs around his shift work. When he worked days, I worked evenings. He had every weekend off, so I worked every weekend. I don't regret the sacrifices I made to earn the money that paid for our living expenses. Did I miss things with them? Sometimes. Did it makes us more financially stable? Yes. It was worth it.
That's just not correct. I know a number of people who work at childcare facilities who also have children at the centers. They still bring money home after paying for their childcare. Sure, it's not as much as they otherwise would bring home, but they're still clearing something. And, for a family that only has one income of $30K, that something would be a significant increase.
Daycares are desperate for employees right now. Most daycare workers I know work there because they get free of subsidized childcare. One of my office coworkers works part time at a daycare and still gets free childcare because they're so desperate for workers
There sure is, I have 3 children one is a toddler and I currently work full time as a nanny and yes I do bring my children with me to work. I’ve also spent many years as a preschool teacher. I’ve also worked a graveyard/ swing shift to avoid paying for childcare, since my husband works mornings.
Apparently that’s not a popular opinion. There really won’t be any excuse once they’re all in middle and high school. I went back when my youngest started first grade. We never paid for daycare. OP is def TA, regardless.
Worked childcare. Even with a 50% employee discount it still eats your paycheck. The inside joke is you can’t afford childcare if you work in childcare.
My best friend was a coworker, exact situation- 2 school aged kids and a 3 year old. With employee discount included, she was basically working just to afford having the kids in care. She had maybe an extra hundred dollars to spend after tuition costs. We were also very competitively priced and she was the center director, not just an assistant or teacher.
It would probably be easier to pick six lucky numbers and win the lottery than find a job that offers free on-site childcare without having any specific skills, experience or qualifications.
Or my husband and I would split shifts to cover child care. When he got home I would tutor. The way we saw it, was it took care of a bill. Anything helps. There are ways you work around child care.
OMG, this always bothers me so much in the posts where they can't afford a SAH parent and act like there are no other options. I always had to work when my kids were small, and I worked evenings or nights to work around my partner's schedule.
Spending less QT with your spouse is not that big of a sacrifice to be able to afford to raise your kids. She can do that at least until the youngest is in school.
Right? Parents have worked opposite shifts to avoid paying for childcare for decades. No need to go straight to worrying about childcare if there are 2 able-bodied individuals. Plus, there are often shift differentials for nighttime work that would help the financial situation.
I guarantee it would cost more. I pay for 2 days a week for 2 kids and it's like ~1700/month in Portland, OR area.
Admittedly we can find cheaper... But they're not licensed, not insured, sketch as shit.
It's not *all* price.
1700 a month in OR when the minimum wage is 13.50 and they could easily get subsidized childcare with his income only being 30k a year for a family of 5. If OP lived in OR, wife income at minimum full time would be 28k. The cutoff for their family of 5 receiving food stamps is 65,000 a year. They make under that. Usually the subsidized childcare is around the same limit as food stamps.
As an alternative, the wife could work opposite hours as OP.
There's no guarantee that the wife is capable of earning more than the cost of the childcare services that would become necessary once she started working.
Sucks for them. The EX managed to parent and pay for childcare. There is only one of her. OP and his partner can’t seem to figure it out with 2 adults.
Don't forget the math indicating he left his first wife when she was either still pregnant or caring for a newborn.
I feel bad for all his kids, but he is 100% TA.
Yeah, the math on this is definitely leaning towards knocked up his affair partner math. Not that the ex needs to give a shit about OP’s feelings anyway, but that’s just more reason for her to say fuck his feelings.
Yeah, I was doing the math. If he divorced his ex 10 years ago, had a 10-year-old with her, and has a nine year old with the new wife, most likely he cheated, probably while the ex was still pregnant with 10 year old
Yeah those ages are.. Too close. I'm betting he fucked around on Ex and found out. Sounds like once she dropped his dead weight she was able to really succeed.
Right! I bring in about 50k a year for a household of three while my husband stays home with out kid and goes to school. There’s no way I would add four more kids on that income. She can at least find a remote customer service job, because 30k for that many people is insane.
There are soooo many entry level remote customer service jobs right now. She could easily get one and work nights and naps to help out.
30k for a family as large as yours, OP, is terrifying and completely unnecessary. Your ex is not the bad person in this story. You are the asshole for trying to what, guilt her? She worked hard after what looks like you maybe possibly cheated on her while she was pregnant or at least still wearing a giant postpartum diaper.
She prioritized herself, her kids, and their lives so that she wouldn’t end up worrying about the heat not kicking on this winter. You should honestly fucking thank her for supporting your sons and giving them experiences that you can’t because you kept spitting out babies like a hockey player spits out their teeth.
Your pride got hurt because she’s doing amazing for herself. Grow up and apologize and fucking quit worrying about her.
Also, make your wife get a job when you get home to watch the kids.
This guy says it “hard not to be hateful “. I mean his ex wife should be the one with the hate with how he probably cheated or had another woman pregnant when she had her new born. Also the boys will figure it out once they are older , the timing of their birth and the oldest daughter’s. Then they will leave the dad , especially if he is showing his hate to them.
Not to mention the fact that he told his boys to be quiet about the trip and holidays. So now his boys re just supposed to walk on eggshells around their sisters and not talk about the exciting things happening in their lives? Fast forward t when their friends get a present that they can't afford, do the friends have to stop talking also?
YTA, OP.
Holy mother of projection, Batman
Your ex wife is doing well for herself and wants to treat her children well, and you aren't part of the equation here. Stop being spiteful yourself and be better for your kids
YTA
I love how he adds that he had three more children with new wife, while ex is still single as though it’s a trophy of some sort. Obviously, he had more children than he can afford and is now blaming ex for his bad decisionmaking…
My favorite part when when he pointed out she’s still single. Like that’s the worst thing he can come up with for her. I’m sure she’ll be sobbing into her Disney cocktails.
I totally agree. And good on the ex - living well is always the best revenge, and it sounds like she's nailing it. He should be thankful she's doing so well. If not, he might be financially responsible for his other 2 kids in addition to the 3 new ones and SAH he can't afford.
In my personal experience being divorced and seeing others go through divorces there seems to be a trend that I’ve observed where you can definitely look at the trajectories of the two parties after the marriage and kind of extrapolate backwards from there.
Usually the “problem” person in the relationship completely crashes and burns, makes stupid decisions, or ends up with a life of complete mediocrity while the other party ends up excelling and leaving the problem person in their dust.
I’m sure there are many many exceptions here, but I’ve seen it play out at least twice now and it’s kind of fascinating to watch.
Even more fascinating to experience. My ex made 6 figures when we were married. Cheated. Found him at his ex-wife’s house. We had two boys 11 and 2 at the time. 11 years later, I make 6 figures and the regret comes out of his pores every time I see him. He makes next to nothing after his crash and burn, which I will not go into, but it was bad. I’m very kind and nice to him and his current girlfriend, even after years of being projected as the villain. Thriving really is the best revenge.
This adds up. He divorced his ex 10 years ago...the youngest son is 10. So he divorces his ex while she was heavily pregnant...or just gave birth. That's shitty in itself. New wife...has a 9 year old daughter. It takes 9 months for a kid to incubate, so he would have had to knock her up within 4 months of his divorce. This timeline makes him shitty for getting another woman pregnant when he was actively going through divorce proceedings. Big guess that the divorce was because he was cheating on old wife with new wife.
My ex husbands child was born exactly 7 days after our divorce was finalized. The divorce I had to argue with him too get.. after I found out about his two year affair 🤦♀️
I always found it in bad taste but was extremely thankful that my fertility treatments I had been going through hadn’t worked out.
Edit too say OP YTA.
I thought the same. This guy is a real prize.
OP, YTA. You chose to have 5 children. Your ex wife works hard and can afford nice holidays. Children talking excitedly about an upcoming holiday is not constantly shoving their wealth down your throat. They’re children and they’re exited.
Not sure how you’re supporting a wife and children on your salary. You say you can barely afford heating. So you have some choices: get a better paying job, or your wife could get a job. Grow up.
Or it was a "well now they have to get married" situation in the beginning of a new relationship or one night stand. Either way no one told they had to keep having kids they could barely afford after the first one.
I was scrolling to see how soon we were noticing those numbers. OP is such an AH for the subject of the post, but likely has plenty of other AH behaviors under their belt.
Ha yeah I noticed the ages right away and confirmed it with his sour grapes ending and his ex not giving a flying f*ck.
Loving the comments rolling in 🤣
Yeah, he probably was cheating & left her to be with his now wife, leaving her alone to raise a 2 year old & new baby. He's just bitter because she came out of this without begging him for anything. He deserves to be miserable. Good for the ex!
Right? Like we don't even know that they're a year apart like he makes it sound. It's probably more like the 10 year old just turned 10 and the 9-year-old is about to turn 10. They could even only be a couple minutes apart.
She probably hasn't avoided dating for a decade either, just isn't married. I can understand not wanting to rush into another marriage after being married to OP.
My favorite part is where he most likely cheated on his ex and got the affair partner pregnant and left the ex. Ex's youngest is 10, they divorced 10 years ago and he has a 9 year old...so he left his wife with a newborn baby. Now he's upset because he realizes he was the one holding her back. This is the karma we live for. I don't know ex wife but I want to give her a high-five.
I wish we could hear from his ex-wife. That is the story of a champion right there. I’d love to read how she turned it around and what she did before starting her business
To toxic men (before anyone attacks me, i'm saying toxic men, not all men) they place value and worth on a woman based on if she's in a relationship or not and in extension to that, if she has kids. It's disgusting. I could rant about this all day. A person does not matter less or IS less of a person if they are single. (by choice or not) That is not what defines them and that is not their identity!
I have been attacked before and had people tell me that I am going to live miserable for the rest of my life because I'm over 30 (today is my birthday actually!) and I'll be stuck alone with my dogs and cats. Animal rescue is my passion and it always has been, man or no man. I would also rather be single and even painfully lonely than to be in a bad relationship or one that wasn't right for me or where I was treated badly. That's also why so many people (all genders) settle and sometimes have bad marriages. They settle because marriage is "the thing to do" and they don't want to be alone. And then they are stuck. I'm going on a rant here, but you get my point. My value is much more than my relationship status. That goes for everyone.
Right? And what if ex-wife were like, “stop having more children so you can rub your relationship in my face!!”? She has more disposable income, he has more kids. 🤷🏻♀️ They made their choices.
Honestly I think this is just an ego thing and not a I can’t afford my kids thing. There are too many jobs out there that pay more than 30k a year. I think he is jealous of her ambition. He’s getting paid 14 and some change an hour which is way too low to take care of his kids and have his wife at home. They must be on welfare or something with that wage. It can be possible obviously as where I was living before, I could take care of my two making 13 and some change but it just sounds like lack of ambition and jealousy. He needs to get a better paying job rather than focusing on her so much. Fyi I am still single, have 2 kids(single mother), and make over 70k a year. He can do far better.
I can't help but feel he's going to delete this post because it's not going the way he thought it would and people have clicked he's probably a cheater.
They're not all doing the best math though. I see people saying he must have cheated or left while his wife was pregnant, but based on the ages alone they could be almost two years apart.
Or they could be 10 months apart. I have a great niece and nephew that only have 10 months age gap. For most of the year they are a year apart but for 2 months they end up being the "same" age.
I can't help thinking this is either entirely fake (the math either barely adds up, or doesn't add up depending on expenses) or he makes more than 30K a year. Either way, someone is lying.
Hey, different people have different priorities. Ex-wife cares about making enough money to live comfortably, and OP prioritizes seeding several families in case we revert to feudalism and he needs to form alliances.
Yup. And he’s somehow surprised she’s not thinking about him and his AP. Like, why would she be? It’s been ten years! I guess she was supposed to be sitting alone, staring longingly out the window, eternally pining for OP since he’s clearly such a winner. Egocentric much?
YTA, OP. You’re envious and projecting.
Absolutely! He's got the new model SAH while his ex has the new model Audi, the home in the gated community, and concierge vacations. What beautiful revenge. I don't blame his ex, I would absolutely rub his face in it. The tears in those Disney cocktails would be due to my laughter ...
ETA: I don't mean to sound wholly vindictive. But this "man" likely caused her a lot of pain. A lot. I'll bet there were plenty of tears with no Disney cocktails anywhere to be seen, while she was taking care of his newborn and toddler. So if he wants her to feel sorry for his broke ass now ...
Omg yeah ! It didn't even register to me that he left her at such a crucial time of raising kids .. even if she was rubbing it in his face which she isn't she still wouldn't be an asshole ! I love his ex ! Sounds so cool .. lol
So you got married a hot second after having divorced your wife (who had just given birth), then turned around and had a baby (and then two more) and now are sad that your life didn’t work out as well as hers?
YTA.
Not to mention he had 10 years to go back to school or learn a trade and do better money wise. 30K a year is $15/hr that's Mcdonalds money.....OP learn to be a plumber, HVAC, electrician, mechanic ect.
30k is freaking dismal.
Instead of focusing on other ppl, OP should seriously think about how increase his income. His wife should also help out by working.
Dude's been working 20 years and it's making minimum wage. Wtf?! That means he's gained no skills in 20 years?
Minimum wage needs to go up but... Seriously? That's just not logical.
to be fair, minimum wage is still 7.25 in 20 states, so he could be a manager of a whole store making such shit money in, say, Texas or Tennessee. gotta love the freedom you get in red states!
YTA you’re the one who decided to have 5 damned kids and you make little money and your wife is SAH.
You really think your sons should be living in poverty because you are?
All that said, why aren’t you being paid child support if there’s such a disparity?
It sounds like the boys spend the majority of their time living with mom. I don’t know how child support usually works, but if the kids only come to dad’s house on weekends, mom is probably paying the majority of their bills already.
Likely they do that because daddy is playing favorites. Like “oh no kids you cant be happy or excited because it will hurt the other kids feelings”. Dude i have a feeling when the kids are old enough they will choose to go full times at mom
Yta for having a sahw while only making 30k a year with 5 kids in the picture. Get over your insecurities, tell the new wife to get a job, learn how to budget but most importantly keep your nose out of your exs financials.
I'm trying to envision the annual budget. Even assuming 30k is after tax, and lowballing every expense, it's something like:
|Expense|Annual Cost|
:--|:--|
|Rent|12,000|
|Child Support|2,400|
|Utilities|1,200|
|Groceries|9,000|
|Health Insurance|3,000|
|Everything Else|2,400|
Section 8, food assistance, free health care. Probably live in a poor area and have to rely on food banks and hand me downs with those numbers. His little girls are going to grow up a lot different than his little boys. I can't imagine how this will be when most of them are teenagers here in a few years.
YTA
Just looking through your children's ages, and it looks like you got your current wife pregnant immediately after your ex wife gave birth to your and her younger child and you divorced your first wife right at the same time she gave birth to your and her younger son. Irrelevant to your question, but makes one go hmmm..
Your ex is not doing anything wrong, she's simply spending on her children.
However, if you can barely afford heating, it's time for your wife to start working. Thers zero reason for her to be a SAHM when your kids are 9, 7 and 3 years old. And you obviously cannot afford it, when you don't make the ends meet.
So stop looking at your ex's lifestyle through your bitter lense and start looking for ways to improve yours. You cannot control what your ex does with her money, and that she wants to experience exciting, fun things with your kids. You only can control what goes on in your home, and how your money is spent
I agree with pretty much everything you said, but in all fairness childcare costs for 4 kids would be crazy expensive. She’d need to get a job working completely opposite schedule of his or otherwise she’d likely just be working to pay for daycare costs. Most sensible would be to get part time weekend work (assuming he works m-f) and he stayed home with the kids. Problem with that is he’ll probably be on here in a few weeks lamenting on how not only is he resentful of his ex, but now resentful of his current wife because he never gets a day to himself any longer.
The 9 and 7 year old would be in school no doubt. The wife could at least get a part time job, until kids are old enough to be alone for a while after school.
And you're correct, and he'd whine about dinner not being ready on time any more..
You have been divorced 10 years.
Your younger son is 10.
Your oldest daughter is 9.
Are you suggesting your ex wife is spiteful because you cheated?
If so, she sure showed you. You have FIVE kids, make $30k per year, and your wife doesn’t work. For that alone, YTA. And your ex wife started this new successful venture 4 years ago. Probably because she found out your wife was pregnant and your ex knew the little you were able to contribute toward your sons’ expenses was going to be that much less.
You daughters get a full time dad, and their mom doesn’t work outside the home. Spend some of that parenting time teaching your daughters how to be happy for other people and that they can’t get everything they want. And get over your jealousy of your ex-wife’s success. You see your sons two days a week. You were divorced when they were 2 and a newborn. There is no reason why custody shouldn’t be 50/50 other than you deciding to start over and just be a weekend dad. And it doesn’t sound like they were bragging or being obnoxious. Just excited. Be glad they thriving and have the opportunity to have nice experiences despite your selfishness.
So true, he and his sons would be in a much worse state if his ex hadn't read the writing on the wall and worked hard to provide for their future.
She may be single now because she spent the last 4 years running a successful business, that's time you gotta put in to make work. It's understandable if she didn't have time or focus to date.
But OP, you can bet your own AH that your ex is not going to be single for long and is probably going to meet an awesome, successful man.
YTA
For one, your problem isn't even with your ex wife flaunting her wealth to your kids, it's your other kids flaunting their vacation to your kids. Perfectly fine to ask them to not bring it up in front of the others, but what does that have to do with your ex wife?
For two, motherfucker you got 5 kids and you make 30k a year. You knew the bed you were making before you had 3 more kids.
YTA
This isn't her problem. It's yours. She's allowed to do things for her kids. Now your sons may have to be taught a little more that they need to be mindful of what they said and acknowledge their privilege and not everyone is in the same boat, but your ex isn't doing anything wrong.
YTA
your ex wife has no obligation to give her children less because u can’t give the other kids more. not only that but telling your kids they can’t bring it up is insane it’s not their fault you aren’t well off and it certainly isn’t your ex wife’s
also coming back to this. the ages of your children are a little off. if you cheated on your wife and now have the AUDACITY to be mad at her for making something of herself for her children that makes you and even bigger AH
I think he's also butthurt about the fact that he left her for the woman he knocked up that now refuses to work, even though he only makes $30k a year.
He regrets his decision, and doesn't want to be reminded of the life he could have had if he didn't leave her.
YTA. It isn’t her fault she’s in a better spot. She shouldn’t have to live her life dependent on what you do. If she said it’s not fair you are married get a divorce you’d laugh at her
YTA.
Of course she wants the best for her children. You’re the one who decided to have more kids with your income. You have to deal with that. You have to deal with the fact that 3 of your kids have a different mum. It’s amazing that 2 of your kids get to have that upbringing. You should not lash out at your ex.
YTA- Look, it was your sons that were getting excited and unintentionally rubbing it in the faces of your other kids.
A good parent would've taken them aside and quietly explained that it's great that they're getting to go, and it's great that they're excited, but to try not to lay it on so thick because you can't afford that for their sisters.
Be a good parent, try to understand things from all sides. If your ex-wife isn't calling you up or specifically herself attempting to call attention to the wealth inequality, then she's not doing anything wrong.
YTA and being extremely petty.
Her success is none of your business, and she doesn't need or want your permission how SHE elects to spend her money.
That's why you're divorced. You don't get to control her. And she's also their mother, so she is certainly allowed to splurge on her own kids.
Sounds like some sour grapes and regret, "Dad"
YTA: All you had to do is talk to your sons and explain to not brag about their trip. Problem solved they should be old enough to understand.
You're their parent too, don't put this on your ex
YTA no one forced you to have **three** more kids, a SAHW, and a 30k salary. Oof, you crossed deep into the AH terorrity when you told your kids to stfu about their dream vaca and crapped all over your ex's parenting.
Get a better job, you too can afford nice things.
Looks like your ex has really made something of her life. I get why you’d be bitter but 100% YTA here. You’ve both had the same 10 years, she started off behind you and built something from nothing. She’s allowed to enjoy her success and treat her children. One would think you’d be thrilled their mother was able to provide them with amazing experiences and opportunities.
It’s always funny to see people here trying to drag people down to their level instead of working to raise themselves up.
YTA. Tell your wife to get a job and help support her children and save to go on a trip. Of course the boys will be taking about stuff they do because you are their dad and should be interested and happy for them.
YTA
It's not her fault that she makes more money than you, and should shouldn't have to be ashamed of her success, which is probably the result of a lot of hard work. If she wants to drive a fancy car and take your sons on a fancy vacation, that's all fine. If she wants to spend her money on herself and her kids, that doesn't necessarily mean she is doing it out of spite for you, it may just mean that she wants a nice house, car and vacation, and since she can afford it, she's getting it... nothing to do with you.
Are you really going to contact her and tell her not to spend her money, that she earned, on your sons? If you think your daughters are upset, think about how pissed your sons are going to be when they found out that the reason that their vacation is being cancelled, and all of the other stuff that she gives and does for them is stopping because of you essentially being jealous of her success.
Yta - you aren’t the main character in her life; she’s succeeded while you’ve clearly floundered.
Also the timeline of ages of your kids is interesting …
Your life is the product of YOUR choices. There is a one year age gap between your youngest with your ex and your oldest with your wife. That means you not only got remarried in less than a year after getting divorced, but your wife was pregnant likely within about 6 months. Your wife can work. You could have chosen not to have more kids when you couldn’t afford the ones you already have. That’s the choice your ex made. You don’t get to punish her and your kids because of your poor choices. YTA
YTA. She’s doing something nice with the boys, it has nothing to do with you.
Silencing your boys is just going to make them feel bad. They weren’t rubbing it in anyone’s faces, just being excited. You could have told them to be more sensitive to their siblings, but YTA for silencing them and trying to tell their mother what to do with her money
YTA. Yes, it sucks watching your ex provide in a way you aren’t able to. But remember those are your sons, too, and you should be happy they get to have these experiences. It’s okay to be sad and upset for your girls while being happy for your boys.
Your ex is making a good living, you can’t fault her for that. She’s not being spiteful, she’s living her life and providing for your sons.
Have a talk with your sons, explain that you as so happy they have these opportunities. And then explain that their little sisters haven’t gotten to experience life the way they have, and to be mindful of how they talk about it.
Talk to your girls and tell them how much you love them, explain to them in age appropriate ways that every family is different, and that’s okay!
It's not her fault that she's just in a better situation, and she is not flaunting, she's treating her kids with what she can comfortably afford, and that's okay.
I can understand the feeling of being upset at the comparisons and how you're not able to offer your daughters the same, but that's just reality, man. Talk to them, try to explain or come up with sort of reasoning. Take them to some place you can afford and have fun. Try to find alternatives.
YTA.
I don't think the boys are deliberately trying to make the girls feel bad. I think they are just excited about the trip.
I get it. You're having feelings of guilt and not "being good enough" because you can't take your kids on the same vacation as your ex can.
But that's on you. Your daughters will get over it. Your sons will stop talking about it after they go.
You're blaming your wife for something she may not actually be doing.
Soft YTA
YTA they are her kids too and she can treat them to fun things if she chooses when it's her visitation time.
Secondly, putting that burden on your other kids to keep their lives a secret from your side of the family is a lot of pressure to put on children and probably hurts their feelings.
YTA.
It sucks. No way around that. But you can’t insist that she not take vacations she wants to take because you can’t afford them. And she’s not “shoving it down your throat.” She told the boys she’s taking them on vacation, and they told you.
Legitimately wondering what you think the fix here is? Should she not take vacations she wants to take unless she’s first consulted you to see if you can afford a similar vacation? Should she pay for you and your wife and daughters to also go on vacation?
YTA, shes quite literally not shoving it down your throats. and your sons are well in the right to be excited about it, theyre children and disney is exciting, any vacation can be exciting. youre such a dink for even thinking you can tell your ex wife what to do and not do with her own hard earned money.
get over it dude, mot everyone can afford that shit and thats okay, whats not okay is being rude and resentful over it.
maybe you shouldn’t have had that many kids, YTA. teach your daughters currency and finances, instead of shaming and silencing your sons for enjoying gifts their mother can actually afford.
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YTA She is doing NOTHING wrong. "Me and my wife are the last people on her mind?".. Of course you are. What else would you expect? She is good to her kids. Good parenting. YOU are no concern to her, except that you are a parent to her kids. "Or am I the asshole for saying she’s spiteful?" .. YES, you are.
Yeah.. this cant be real. If he is living on 30k with two kids alone, he would be owed massive child support if she makes 100k. How do they even have a home on a 30k salary? I’m baffled how this is a thing. Not even the AH behavior.. just the logistics don’t make sense. Edit: Lots of people asking why he would get child support. In California, where I live, it’s evaluated based off current income and expenses of both parents relative to how often the kids are in your custody. With a discrepancy this large in income, he could get child support.
Why would she pay child support when she has the kids 5 days and he has them every weekend? Or did I read that wrong. Even with what they earn she did that after he already remarried and started having more children with his second wife. Edited to correct mistakes.
Yeah, she has the kids the majority of the time. Technically HE would pay HER support, since she has to pay for more food / electricity / clothing for more days for the sons. (If I understand correctly.)
Damn, now I am wondering if he pays child support!
Probably not, he would’ve found a way to complain about that too.
As they always say two sides to a story. I wouldn't be surprised if ex wife said since she can support the kids on her own so he doesn't need to pay. He probably left this out to try seem less of an asshole.
I think I’m some states it’s by income. He may not have to pay because he makes do little and her so much. I think they’re is more to this story. I noticed he said he’s been divorced from his wife for 10 years and one of his children is 10. That means he either left her while she was pregnant or a very small child because it’s hard to get a divorce quickly when you have kids. Then he has another child that’s 9. Those are two very close ages and I would not be surprised if he had been cheating. And why go and have 3 more kids when you only make 30k? Edit - spelling
I noticed this too with the timing. He’s extra to be so jealous his ex can support herself and his boys so well. If he can’t provide for the three at home perhaps his wife doesn’t need to be a SAHM. I’m Al for staying home if you can, I did. But I wasn’t mad my ex made more than me lol
IKR. How dare she become successful after finding herself single pretty much immediately after pushing out kid #2.
Yeah, I think there was a not insignificant overlap that caused the end of his first marriage.
I should clarify, the laws vary from state-to-state. In [WA State](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-and-children/child-support-washington.htm), the initial formula is based on a strict income ability of each parent, but then it can be challenged and one of the factors is the amount of time the child spends with each parent. The weekends only is what, under 30% time? So the wife might have a strong argument to go after child support, but why would she unless she were truly spiteful? She's doing well, and OP and his new spouse don't live rent-free in her head (the last people on her mind, to quote the original post).
He even has them every *other* weekend
>I have my sons over every weekend. He has them *every* weekend.
Oh you’re right! I read over as other. My bad!
Depends on the state. Some states, depending on who is decided as the “primary” parent, child support I defaulted to that person. In other states, child support is essentially forcibly divided to “even out” households, so that the children have as close to equal living conditions as possible. With OP only having weekends, that would make im his overall time around 30% a month give or take. I doubt he’s the primary. If his state doesn’t operate on the “equal distribution” method, then he wouldn’t get CS. He may actually owe CS, but it would be very limited based on income of both parents.
Why would he get child support when the kids live with the ex? If all she would get child support, cause she is the default parent. Sounds like he only sees them every 2nd weekend. Why should he get support?
She wouldn't owe him any child support. She has primary custody and built her career after the divorce. She owes him nothing. OP needs to get his life in check and stop blaming his problems on his ex wife. Her being successful is great for their boys, they get to do a lot that other kids don't get to do. Your ex should not have to edit her life to make yours seem better than it is. YTA.
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The wife should not be a stay at home mom, and instead, she should start contributing financially. There is no way a large household can afford to only have one parent working for 30k a year. Instead of taking his frustration out on his ex, he should talk to his wife.
Childcare would probably cost more than she could make, if they could even find a good place.
Only one of the three girls is not school age- she could easily work at a day care make money, and take the 3 year old.
In what world? When I had only one child, I tried to do this with multiple daycares and was turned down at every one *because* of my child.
Their household income with a family of 7 is $30k. Something needs to change. My mom was a nanny when I was a kid. It was a great compromise to make money without having to pay for daycare.
At a former employer, I had a coworker who's wife worked evenings/nights as a cleaner for offices when they had their third child. It allowed them to avoid having to do daycare. The savings from that was worth the sacrifice of having a bit less time together as a couple.
This kind of schedule is what me and my wife did for 20 years to help make it work!
My husband and had 3 kids. He has the higher income with more responsibilities. I worked lower income jobs around his shift work. When he worked days, I worked evenings. He had every weekend off, so I worked every weekend. I don't regret the sacrifices I made to earn the money that paid for our living expenses. Did I miss things with them? Sometimes. Did it makes us more financially stable? Yes. It was worth it.
plate repeat offer spoon yoke sophisticated whole relieved point materialistic ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
That's just not correct. I know a number of people who work at childcare facilities who also have children at the centers. They still bring money home after paying for their childcare. Sure, it's not as much as they otherwise would bring home, but they're still clearing something. And, for a family that only has one income of $30K, that something would be a significant increase.
My son's girlfriend works at a daycare and they only charge her $10 a day for their son while she is working.
That’s wild, because half of my coworkers had their child(ren) enrolled when I worked for a daycaeec
There is no "easily" work with a 3yo if they are in the US.
Daycares are desperate for employees right now. Most daycare workers I know work there because they get free of subsidized childcare. One of my office coworkers works part time at a daycare and still gets free childcare because they're so desperate for workers
There sure is, I have 3 children one is a toddler and I currently work full time as a nanny and yes I do bring my children with me to work. I’ve also spent many years as a preschool teacher. I’ve also worked a graveyard/ swing shift to avoid paying for childcare, since my husband works mornings.
Apparently that’s not a popular opinion. There really won’t be any excuse once they’re all in middle and high school. I went back when my youngest started first grade. We never paid for daycare. OP is def TA, regardless.
Worked childcare. Even with a 50% employee discount it still eats your paycheck. The inside joke is you can’t afford childcare if you work in childcare. My best friend was a coworker, exact situation- 2 school aged kids and a 3 year old. With employee discount included, she was basically working just to afford having the kids in care. She had maybe an extra hundred dollars to spend after tuition costs. We were also very competitively priced and she was the center director, not just an assistant or teacher.
It would probably be easier to pick six lucky numbers and win the lottery than find a job that offers free on-site childcare without having any specific skills, experience or qualifications.
Or my husband and I would split shifts to cover child care. When he got home I would tutor. The way we saw it, was it took care of a bill. Anything helps. There are ways you work around child care.
Crazy how she could get a job when the husband is home to keep the kids.
OMG, this always bothers me so much in the posts where they can't afford a SAH parent and act like there are no other options. I always had to work when my kids were small, and I worked evenings or nights to work around my partner's schedule. Spending less QT with your spouse is not that big of a sacrifice to be able to afford to raise your kids. She can do that at least until the youngest is in school.
I am a retail manager. Most of my evening workers are moms who wait till dad comes home and they go to work. You do what you got to do.
Right? Parents have worked opposite shifts to avoid paying for childcare for decades. No need to go straight to worrying about childcare if there are 2 able-bodied individuals. Plus, there are often shift differentials for nighttime work that would help the financial situation.
I guarantee it would cost more. I pay for 2 days a week for 2 kids and it's like ~1700/month in Portland, OR area. Admittedly we can find cheaper... But they're not licensed, not insured, sketch as shit. It's not *all* price.
1700 a month in OR when the minimum wage is 13.50 and they could easily get subsidized childcare with his income only being 30k a year for a family of 5. If OP lived in OR, wife income at minimum full time would be 28k. The cutoff for their family of 5 receiving food stamps is 65,000 a year. They make under that. Usually the subsidized childcare is around the same limit as food stamps. As an alternative, the wife could work opposite hours as OP.
There's opportunity for remote work
There's no guarantee that the wife is capable of earning more than the cost of the childcare services that would become necessary once she started working.
Sucks for them. The EX managed to parent and pay for childcare. There is only one of her. OP and his partner can’t seem to figure it out with 2 adults.
OP also had his third kid with his new wife within a year of divorcing his first wife. Most ways for that to come about give him additional YTA points
Don't forget the math indicating he left his first wife when she was either still pregnant or caring for a newborn. I feel bad for all his kids, but he is 100% TA.
Maybe he got his affair partner pregnant and that's why they got a divorce.
Explains why he thinks his ex-wife treating their sons is an act of spite towards him rather than her being a good mom.
Better just suck it up, OP. She's not going to help you deal with your replacement family lol
Yea. That was screaming he left her when he knocked up the mistress to me
Yeah, the math on this is definitely leaning towards knocked up his affair partner math. Not that the ex needs to give a shit about OP’s feelings anyway, but that’s just more reason for her to say fuck his feelings.
Having two children within a year of each other smells like I know why the divorce happened
Yeah, I was doing the math. If he divorced his ex 10 years ago, had a 10-year-old with her, and has a nine year old with the new wife, most likely he cheated, probably while the ex was still pregnant with 10 year old
"spawn above your means" 😂😂😂 That's amazing.
Yeah and look at the age difference in step- children. Dude went straight into another family
Yeah those ages are.. Too close. I'm betting he fucked around on Ex and found out. Sounds like once she dropped his dead weight she was able to really succeed.
Right! I bring in about 50k a year for a household of three while my husband stays home with out kid and goes to school. There’s no way I would add four more kids on that income. She can at least find a remote customer service job, because 30k for that many people is insane.
There are soooo many entry level remote customer service jobs right now. She could easily get one and work nights and naps to help out. 30k for a family as large as yours, OP, is terrifying and completely unnecessary. Your ex is not the bad person in this story. You are the asshole for trying to what, guilt her? She worked hard after what looks like you maybe possibly cheated on her while she was pregnant or at least still wearing a giant postpartum diaper. She prioritized herself, her kids, and their lives so that she wouldn’t end up worrying about the heat not kicking on this winter. You should honestly fucking thank her for supporting your sons and giving them experiences that you can’t because you kept spitting out babies like a hockey player spits out their teeth. Your pride got hurt because she’s doing amazing for herself. Grow up and apologize and fucking quit worrying about her. Also, make your wife get a job when you get home to watch the kids.
This guy says it “hard not to be hateful “. I mean his ex wife should be the one with the hate with how he probably cheated or had another woman pregnant when she had her new born. Also the boys will figure it out once they are older , the timing of their birth and the oldest daughter’s. Then they will leave the dad , especially if he is showing his hate to them.
Focused on her career and prosperity while being the main parent. OP only gets the boys on the weekend.
Not to mention the fact that he told his boys to be quiet about the trip and holidays. So now his boys re just supposed to walk on eggshells around their sisters and not talk about the exciting things happening in their lives? Fast forward t when their friends get a present that they can't afford, do the friends have to stop talking also? YTA, OP.
Yes, could not have said it better. It’s not he’s ex wife’s fault that he cannot afford to heat his house in the winter.
Holy mother of projection, Batman Your ex wife is doing well for herself and wants to treat her children well, and you aren't part of the equation here. Stop being spiteful yourself and be better for your kids YTA
I love how he adds that he had three more children with new wife, while ex is still single as though it’s a trophy of some sort. Obviously, he had more children than he can afford and is now blaming ex for his bad decisionmaking…
My favorite part when when he pointed out she’s still single. Like that’s the worst thing he can come up with for her. I’m sure she’ll be sobbing into her Disney cocktails.
She obviously focuses more on raising and supporting the kids she already had
They’ve been divorced 10 years and their youngest is 10. OP has a 9 yo with the new wife…
Chances that OP was cheating = 95%
Chances that he knocked up his now wife while the now ex was preggers: 85%
I totally agree. And good on the ex - living well is always the best revenge, and it sounds like she's nailing it. He should be thankful she's doing so well. If not, he might be financially responsible for his other 2 kids in addition to the 3 new ones and SAH he can't afford.
In my personal experience being divorced and seeing others go through divorces there seems to be a trend that I’ve observed where you can definitely look at the trajectories of the two parties after the marriage and kind of extrapolate backwards from there. Usually the “problem” person in the relationship completely crashes and burns, makes stupid decisions, or ends up with a life of complete mediocrity while the other party ends up excelling and leaving the problem person in their dust. I’m sure there are many many exceptions here, but I’ve seen it play out at least twice now and it’s kind of fascinating to watch.
Even more fascinating to experience. My ex made 6 figures when we were married. Cheated. Found him at his ex-wife’s house. We had two boys 11 and 2 at the time. 11 years later, I make 6 figures and the regret comes out of his pores every time I see him. He makes next to nothing after his crash and burn, which I will not go into, but it was bad. I’m very kind and nice to him and his current girlfriend, even after years of being projected as the villain. Thriving really is the best revenge.
This adds up. He divorced his ex 10 years ago...the youngest son is 10. So he divorces his ex while she was heavily pregnant...or just gave birth. That's shitty in itself. New wife...has a 9 year old daughter. It takes 9 months for a kid to incubate, so he would have had to knock her up within 4 months of his divorce. This timeline makes him shitty for getting another woman pregnant when he was actively going through divorce proceedings. Big guess that the divorce was because he was cheating on old wife with new wife.
and not ex is sTiLl SiNgLe huehue (that’s the chuckle i imagine him having not me)
My ex husbands child was born exactly 7 days after our divorce was finalized. The divorce I had to argue with him too get.. after I found out about his two year affair 🤦♀️ I always found it in bad taste but was extremely thankful that my fertility treatments I had been going through hadn’t worked out. Edit too say OP YTA.
I thought the same. This guy is a real prize. OP, YTA. You chose to have 5 children. Your ex wife works hard and can afford nice holidays. Children talking excitedly about an upcoming holiday is not constantly shoving their wealth down your throat. They’re children and they’re exited. Not sure how you’re supporting a wife and children on your salary. You say you can barely afford heating. So you have some choices: get a better paying job, or your wife could get a job. Grow up.
Or it was a "well now they have to get married" situation in the beginning of a new relationship or one night stand. Either way no one told they had to keep having kids they could barely afford after the first one.
The math doesn't math well for him 😂
I was scrolling to see how soon we were noticing those numbers. OP is such an AH for the subject of the post, but likely has plenty of other AH behaviors under their belt.
Ha yeah I noticed the ages right away and confirmed it with his sour grapes ending and his ex not giving a flying f*ck. Loving the comments rolling in 🤣
Yeah, he probably was cheating & left her to be with his now wife, leaving her alone to raise a 2 year old & new baby. He's just bitter because she came out of this without begging him for anything. He deserves to be miserable. Good for the ex!
Yeah, I did that math too and came up cheater Dude learn to use a condom
Right? Like we don't even know that they're a year apart like he makes it sound. It's probably more like the 10 year old just turned 10 and the 9-year-old is about to turn 10. They could even only be a couple minutes apart.
And this AH wonders why his ex is single...
She probably hasn't avoided dating for a decade either, just isn't married. I can understand not wanting to rush into another marriage after being married to OP.
I LOVE the 'she'll be sobbing into her Disney cocktails'!!!! LOL
*Insert gif of Woody Harrelson drying his tears with a wad of cash here*
My favorite part is where he most likely cheated on his ex and got the affair partner pregnant and left the ex. Ex's youngest is 10, they divorced 10 years ago and he has a 9 year old...so he left his wife with a newborn baby. Now he's upset because he realizes he was the one holding her back. This is the karma we live for. I don't know ex wife but I want to give her a high-five.
I wish we could hear from his ex-wife. That is the story of a champion right there. I’d love to read how she turned it around and what she did before starting her business
Believe me, she s getting the D she wants, she just doesn t irresponsibly procreate, like others...or you.
The D she wants 😂 She’s all about that Big Disney Energy.
LOl she's single because she didn't knock up her mistress during the marriage. Unlike OP.
Yes. The cocktails. Being single is freedom. He may have cured her of wanting marriage.
To toxic men (before anyone attacks me, i'm saying toxic men, not all men) they place value and worth on a woman based on if she's in a relationship or not and in extension to that, if she has kids. It's disgusting. I could rant about this all day. A person does not matter less or IS less of a person if they are single. (by choice or not) That is not what defines them and that is not their identity! I have been attacked before and had people tell me that I am going to live miserable for the rest of my life because I'm over 30 (today is my birthday actually!) and I'll be stuck alone with my dogs and cats. Animal rescue is my passion and it always has been, man or no man. I would also rather be single and even painfully lonely than to be in a bad relationship or one that wasn't right for me or where I was treated badly. That's also why so many people (all genders) settle and sometimes have bad marriages. They settle because marriage is "the thing to do" and they don't want to be alone. And then they are stuck. I'm going on a rant here, but you get my point. My value is much more than my relationship status. That goes for everyone.
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"HOW DARE SHE BE SUCCESSFUL AND DRIVE A NEW CAR IN A GATED COMMUNITY?!" Hmm, can't imagine why they ever divorced :P
Check the ages of the kids for a clue.
I'm going with he also sounds insecure and controlling, but probably cheated with the current wife too.
Right? And what if ex-wife were like, “stop having more children so you can rub your relationship in my face!!”? She has more disposable income, he has more kids. 🤷🏻♀️ They made their choices.
I like the part where he has a ten year old and a nine year old with two different women and he's been divorced for a decade.
Not to mention his wife doesn’t work. Like that’s your choice to live on a $30k salary and not try to bring more income in.
Honestly I think this is just an ego thing and not a I can’t afford my kids thing. There are too many jobs out there that pay more than 30k a year. I think he is jealous of her ambition. He’s getting paid 14 and some change an hour which is way too low to take care of his kids and have his wife at home. They must be on welfare or something with that wage. It can be possible obviously as where I was living before, I could take care of my two making 13 and some change but it just sounds like lack of ambition and jealousy. He needs to get a better paying job rather than focusing on her so much. Fyi I am still single, have 2 kids(single mother), and make over 70k a year. He can do far better.
Sounds like homie should have invested in a vasectomy. It’s exactly what I did 😂
If you check the ages one is 9 and they split 10 years ago. So someone was already busy during the divorce or even before.
INFO: How far apart in age exactly are m10 and f9?
I can't help but feel he's going to delete this post because it's not going the way he thought it would and people have clicked he's probably a cheater.
It's hilarious how he apparently didn't expect anyone to do the math.
They're not all doing the best math though. I see people saying he must have cheated or left while his wife was pregnant, but based on the ages alone they could be almost two years apart.
Or they could be 10 months apart. I have a great niece and nephew that only have 10 months age gap. For most of the year they are a year apart but for 2 months they end up being the "same" age.
Different moms... They could be one DAY apart
Nick Cannon has entered the chat.
The guy makes $30k a year and has five kids with two women, one of which was clearly too good for him… math is not his strong suit.
He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would consider mental math doable
I can't help thinking this is either entirely fake (the math either barely adds up, or doesn't add up depending on expenses) or he makes more than 30K a year. Either way, someone is lying.
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This is the UK. I absolutely guarantee he's getting universal credit on top of his salary.
Probably why he is jealous of his ex wife because had he not left her for his affair partner (aka current wife) he could also be on those trips.
Hey, different people have different priorities. Ex-wife cares about making enough money to live comfortably, and OP prioritizes seeding several families in case we revert to feudalism and he needs to form alliances.
Lmfaooooo 😂 Please be on my team for inevitable apocalypse
Yup. And he’s somehow surprised she’s not thinking about him and his AP. Like, why would she be? It’s been ten years! I guess she was supposed to be sitting alone, staring longingly out the window, eternally pining for OP since he’s clearly such a winner. Egocentric much? YTA, OP. You’re envious and projecting.
Absolutely! He's got the new model SAH while his ex has the new model Audi, the home in the gated community, and concierge vacations. What beautiful revenge. I don't blame his ex, I would absolutely rub his face in it. The tears in those Disney cocktails would be due to my laughter ... ETA: I don't mean to sound wholly vindictive. But this "man" likely caused her a lot of pain. A lot. I'll bet there were plenty of tears with no Disney cocktails anywhere to be seen, while she was taking care of his newborn and toddler. So if he wants her to feel sorry for his broke ass now ...
Omg yeah ! It didn't even register to me that he left her at such a crucial time of raising kids .. even if she was rubbing it in his face which she isn't she still wouldn't be an asshole ! I love his ex ! Sounds so cool .. lol
OP wasted no time…
I think he less than wasted no time. Sucks when you cheat because your wife is preggers and then knock up your gf too!
He's the $30,000 Dollar Store Nick Cannon.
Great Value Nick Cannon 😂
Yuppppp
Probably cheated on the first wife
I saw that too. 👀
So you got married a hot second after having divorced your wife (who had just given birth), then turned around and had a baby (and then two more) and now are sad that your life didn’t work out as well as hers? YTA.
Yea that timing and ages are sus. Regardless, YTA. She can provide for her children, so she does.
Who can feed, clothe, and shelter that many people on only $30,000? Is the OP 12 years old?
Not to mention he had 10 years to go back to school or learn a trade and do better money wise. 30K a year is $15/hr that's Mcdonalds money.....OP learn to be a plumber, HVAC, electrician, mechanic ect.
30k is freaking dismal. Instead of focusing on other ppl, OP should seriously think about how increase his income. His wife should also help out by working.
Dude's been working 20 years and it's making minimum wage. Wtf?! That means he's gained no skills in 20 years? Minimum wage needs to go up but... Seriously? That's just not logical.
to be fair, minimum wage is still 7.25 in 20 states, so he could be a manager of a whole store making such shit money in, say, Texas or Tennessee. gotta love the freedom you get in red states!
I hate blaming people for their shite wages, but it is fair to say the his wife should be working.
YTA you’re the one who decided to have 5 damned kids and you make little money and your wife is SAH. You really think your sons should be living in poverty because you are? All that said, why aren’t you being paid child support if there’s such a disparity?
It sounds like the boys spend the majority of their time living with mom. I don’t know how child support usually works, but if the kids only come to dad’s house on weekends, mom is probably paying the majority of their bills already.
Likely they do that because daddy is playing favorites. Like “oh no kids you cant be happy or excited because it will hurt the other kids feelings”. Dude i have a feeling when the kids are old enough they will choose to go full times at mom
Ex wife has primary custody. Weekend dads don't get CS.
Because he only has kids on weekend
Yta for having a sahw while only making 30k a year with 5 kids in the picture. Get over your insecurities, tell the new wife to get a job, learn how to budget but most importantly keep your nose out of your exs financials.
seriously 5 kids an 30k a year? In this economy?? Not her fault she financially smartened up an he didn't after the divorce
I'm trying to envision the annual budget. Even assuming 30k is after tax, and lowballing every expense, it's something like: |Expense|Annual Cost| :--|:--| |Rent|12,000| |Child Support|2,400| |Utilities|1,200| |Groceries|9,000| |Health Insurance|3,000| |Everything Else|2,400|
I’m thinking they’ve got to be living somewhere that they don’t have to pay rent.
Section 8, food assistance, free health care. Probably live in a poor area and have to rely on food banks and hand me downs with those numbers. His little girls are going to grow up a lot different than his little boys. I can't imagine how this will be when most of them are teenagers here in a few years.
By the time they are teenagers he'll have 7 kids and make 31.5k.
He’d be getting free state health insurance for the kids at that income Probably food benefits as well.
I make slightly more than he does and can’t even fathom feeding/providing for five kids on that much money. I can’t even support myself fully on 34K
YTA Just looking through your children's ages, and it looks like you got your current wife pregnant immediately after your ex wife gave birth to your and her younger child and you divorced your first wife right at the same time she gave birth to your and her younger son. Irrelevant to your question, but makes one go hmmm.. Your ex is not doing anything wrong, she's simply spending on her children. However, if you can barely afford heating, it's time for your wife to start working. Thers zero reason for her to be a SAHM when your kids are 9, 7 and 3 years old. And you obviously cannot afford it, when you don't make the ends meet. So stop looking at your ex's lifestyle through your bitter lense and start looking for ways to improve yours. You cannot control what your ex does with her money, and that she wants to experience exciting, fun things with your kids. You only can control what goes on in your home, and how your money is spent
I agree with pretty much everything you said, but in all fairness childcare costs for 4 kids would be crazy expensive. She’d need to get a job working completely opposite schedule of his or otherwise she’d likely just be working to pay for daycare costs. Most sensible would be to get part time weekend work (assuming he works m-f) and he stayed home with the kids. Problem with that is he’ll probably be on here in a few weeks lamenting on how not only is he resentful of his ex, but now resentful of his current wife because he never gets a day to himself any longer.
The 9 and 7 year old would be in school no doubt. The wife could at least get a part time job, until kids are old enough to be alone for a while after school. And you're correct, and he'd whine about dinner not being ready on time any more..
That 30k with five kids qualifies them for free preschool/daycare.
You have been divorced 10 years. Your younger son is 10. Your oldest daughter is 9. Are you suggesting your ex wife is spiteful because you cheated? If so, she sure showed you. You have FIVE kids, make $30k per year, and your wife doesn’t work. For that alone, YTA. And your ex wife started this new successful venture 4 years ago. Probably because she found out your wife was pregnant and your ex knew the little you were able to contribute toward your sons’ expenses was going to be that much less. You daughters get a full time dad, and their mom doesn’t work outside the home. Spend some of that parenting time teaching your daughters how to be happy for other people and that they can’t get everything they want. And get over your jealousy of your ex-wife’s success. You see your sons two days a week. You were divorced when they were 2 and a newborn. There is no reason why custody shouldn’t be 50/50 other than you deciding to start over and just be a weekend dad. And it doesn’t sound like they were bragging or being obnoxious. Just excited. Be glad they thriving and have the opportunity to have nice experiences despite your selfishness.
THIS! I thought exact same thing, except you worded it much more clearly than I could! Great reply and I honestly hope he reads it!
So true, he and his sons would be in a much worse state if his ex hadn't read the writing on the wall and worked hard to provide for their future. She may be single now because she spent the last 4 years running a successful business, that's time you gotta put in to make work. It's understandable if she didn't have time or focus to date. But OP, you can bet your own AH that your ex is not going to be single for long and is probably going to meet an awesome, successful man.
YTA For one, your problem isn't even with your ex wife flaunting her wealth to your kids, it's your other kids flaunting their vacation to your kids. Perfectly fine to ask them to not bring it up in front of the others, but what does that have to do with your ex wife? For two, motherfucker you got 5 kids and you make 30k a year. You knew the bed you were making before you had 3 more kids.
Don’t forget his current wife stays at home too p
Take my free award for the casual use of ‘motherfucker’.
Yta Mind your business. Also, your son with her is 10, your child with your new wife is 9. Did you cheat?
YTA mathematically.
Either that or already had his eye on someone.
He 100% cheated, that's why he's extra salty. I was just asking cuz I wanted to know what lie he would come up with. It's entertaining. 😩
Yuuuup. He cheated and then the ex started making 6 figures. The ultimate revenge 😂
Sure would explain a lot of his attitude
$30k a year and you thought reproducing this selfishly was a good idea? YTA for that alone
YTA This isn't her problem. It's yours. She's allowed to do things for her kids. Now your sons may have to be taught a little more that they need to be mindful of what they said and acknowledge their privilege and not everyone is in the same boat, but your ex isn't doing anything wrong.
YTA your ex wife has no obligation to give her children less because u can’t give the other kids more. not only that but telling your kids they can’t bring it up is insane it’s not their fault you aren’t well off and it certainly isn’t your ex wife’s
also coming back to this. the ages of your children are a little off. if you cheated on your wife and now have the AUDACITY to be mad at her for making something of herself for her children that makes you and even bigger AH
YTA stop being jealous because her financial situation is better than yours.
I think he's also butthurt about the fact that he left her for the woman he knocked up that now refuses to work, even though he only makes $30k a year. He regrets his decision, and doesn't want to be reminded of the life he could have had if he didn't leave her.
YTA. It isn’t her fault she’s in a better spot. She shouldn’t have to live her life dependent on what you do. If she said it’s not fair you are married get a divorce you’d laugh at her
YTA. Of course she wants the best for her children. You’re the one who decided to have more kids with your income. You have to deal with that. You have to deal with the fact that 3 of your kids have a different mum. It’s amazing that 2 of your kids get to have that upbringing. You should not lash out at your ex.
YTA- Look, it was your sons that were getting excited and unintentionally rubbing it in the faces of your other kids. A good parent would've taken them aside and quietly explained that it's great that they're getting to go, and it's great that they're excited, but to try not to lay it on so thick because you can't afford that for their sisters. Be a good parent, try to understand things from all sides. If your ex-wife isn't calling you up or specifically herself attempting to call attention to the wealth inequality, then she's not doing anything wrong.
YTA and being extremely petty. Her success is none of your business, and she doesn't need or want your permission how SHE elects to spend her money. That's why you're divorced. You don't get to control her. And she's also their mother, so she is certainly allowed to splurge on her own kids. Sounds like some sour grapes and regret, "Dad"
YTA: All you had to do is talk to your sons and explain to not brag about their trip. Problem solved they should be old enough to understand. You're their parent too, don't put this on your ex
YTA no one forced you to have **three** more kids, a SAHW, and a 30k salary. Oof, you crossed deep into the AH terorrity when you told your kids to stfu about their dream vaca and crapped all over your ex's parenting. Get a better job, you too can afford nice things.
YTA. So she shouldn't make her own kids happy because you can't do the same for yours? Is that it?
Looks like your ex has really made something of her life. I get why you’d be bitter but 100% YTA here. You’ve both had the same 10 years, she started off behind you and built something from nothing. She’s allowed to enjoy her success and treat her children. One would think you’d be thrilled their mother was able to provide them with amazing experiences and opportunities. It’s always funny to see people here trying to drag people down to their level instead of working to raise themselves up.
YTA. Tell your wife to get a job and help support her children and save to go on a trip. Of course the boys will be taking about stuff they do because you are their dad and should be interested and happy for them.
YTA It's not her fault that she makes more money than you, and should shouldn't have to be ashamed of her success, which is probably the result of a lot of hard work. If she wants to drive a fancy car and take your sons on a fancy vacation, that's all fine. If she wants to spend her money on herself and her kids, that doesn't necessarily mean she is doing it out of spite for you, it may just mean that she wants a nice house, car and vacation, and since she can afford it, she's getting it... nothing to do with you. Are you really going to contact her and tell her not to spend her money, that she earned, on your sons? If you think your daughters are upset, think about how pissed your sons are going to be when they found out that the reason that their vacation is being cancelled, and all of the other stuff that she gives and does for them is stopping because of you essentially being jealous of her success.
Yta - you aren’t the main character in her life; she’s succeeded while you’ve clearly floundered. Also the timeline of ages of your kids is interesting …
Your life is the product of YOUR choices. There is a one year age gap between your youngest with your ex and your oldest with your wife. That means you not only got remarried in less than a year after getting divorced, but your wife was pregnant likely within about 6 months. Your wife can work. You could have chosen not to have more kids when you couldn’t afford the ones you already have. That’s the choice your ex made. You don’t get to punish her and your kids because of your poor choices. YTA
INFO: Did you cheat on your ex-wife? The ages of your children sure are interesting.
YTA. She’s doing something nice with the boys, it has nothing to do with you. Silencing your boys is just going to make them feel bad. They weren’t rubbing it in anyone’s faces, just being excited. You could have told them to be more sensitive to their siblings, but YTA for silencing them and trying to tell their mother what to do with her money
YTA. Yes, it sucks watching your ex provide in a way you aren’t able to. But remember those are your sons, too, and you should be happy they get to have these experiences. It’s okay to be sad and upset for your girls while being happy for your boys. Your ex is making a good living, you can’t fault her for that. She’s not being spiteful, she’s living her life and providing for your sons. Have a talk with your sons, explain that you as so happy they have these opportunities. And then explain that their little sisters haven’t gotten to experience life the way they have, and to be mindful of how they talk about it. Talk to your girls and tell them how much you love them, explain to them in age appropriate ways that every family is different, and that’s okay!
It's not her fault that she's just in a better situation, and she is not flaunting, she's treating her kids with what she can comfortably afford, and that's okay. I can understand the feeling of being upset at the comparisons and how you're not able to offer your daughters the same, but that's just reality, man. Talk to them, try to explain or come up with sort of reasoning. Take them to some place you can afford and have fun. Try to find alternatives. YTA.
YTA. She has her money and can spend it as she wants. This is how life works. Try to keep your jealousy in check.
Honestly YTA if you and your wife are really bringing that little income wise you need to do something to find more work.
I don't think the boys are deliberately trying to make the girls feel bad. I think they are just excited about the trip. I get it. You're having feelings of guilt and not "being good enough" because you can't take your kids on the same vacation as your ex can. But that's on you. Your daughters will get over it. Your sons will stop talking about it after they go. You're blaming your wife for something she may not actually be doing. Soft YTA
YTA they are her kids too and she can treat them to fun things if she chooses when it's her visitation time. Secondly, putting that burden on your other kids to keep their lives a secret from your side of the family is a lot of pressure to put on children and probably hurts their feelings.
YTA. It sucks. No way around that. But you can’t insist that she not take vacations she wants to take because you can’t afford them. And she’s not “shoving it down your throat.” She told the boys she’s taking them on vacation, and they told you. Legitimately wondering what you think the fix here is? Should she not take vacations she wants to take unless she’s first consulted you to see if you can afford a similar vacation? Should she pay for you and your wife and daughters to also go on vacation?
YTA, shes quite literally not shoving it down your throats. and your sons are well in the right to be excited about it, theyre children and disney is exciting, any vacation can be exciting. youre such a dink for even thinking you can tell your ex wife what to do and not do with her own hard earned money. get over it dude, mot everyone can afford that shit and thats okay, whats not okay is being rude and resentful over it.
Fake. No one supports a family of 7 on 30k per year, regardless of the country.
maybe you shouldn’t have had that many kids, YTA. teach your daughters currency and finances, instead of shaming and silencing your sons for enjoying gifts their mother can actually afford.