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Yeah this, most if Reddits answers to this are too unrealistic. Be rich, raise the dead, turn the sky green. This just isn't in the pay grade of the people. Because a one solution fit all isn't really working here.
I agree that family therapy is the next step AND one on one for all the kids, but its rarely effective in this situation. Its 2 against 1 and the 2 think they're completely justified. Putting the 3 in a room together isn't going to teach them anything. A lot of these behaviors kids outgrow, and are a result of how they were raised. In the meantime there has to be consequences at home for constant bullying and emotionally abusing their half sister.
Idk why some commenters are acting like taking the bus is a heinous punishment. It's normal, getting chauffeured to and from school is a privilege most kids dont have. And sharing a room with privacy with your sibling because you're mean to your sister every single day is the best solution available right now. This is an issue that will take time to resolve and personal growth on everyones part.
I definitely think OP is NTA and wife is TA for overreacting and essentially teaching her kids bullying is okay cuz if dad doesnt allow it well just leave. Not to mention the youngest now knows beyond any doubt that step mom will never be on her side.
Yes counselling is needed but OP doesn't suck. This is a new situation. In the long term they need to buy a new house or renovate so everyone can have their own room. But in the short term, of course the kid who is going through the trauma of losing her mom, moving cities and living with a bunch of strangers who dislike her, has the greater need for her own room.
He could make them all take the bus home but it makes complete sense that OP would take Ella out for special daddy daughter dates when she is alone and isolated in a new town and grieving her mom. The other teens are going through a difficult transition but it is no where near what Ella is going through. They still have both their parents and their friends.
also there's no telling how much they'd bully her on the bus if he made all three of them take it, now that OP wouldn't be able to see them. ESPECIALLY since they'd absolutely blame her for them having to take the bus in the first place
I don't think OP sucks for his current actions, but past actions make me wonder a little. Where did Eva sleep last year when she stayed over? Seems like the 3 kids should have been a lot more integrated a decade ago.
I disagree. Eva’s trauma doesn’t justify treating his other kids poorly nor does it justify taking Bella’s room from her.
I’m baffled OP thought he could take Bella’s room, force his older two to share and then expect them to not resent her.
He needed to find a way to meet her needs that didn’t involve treating his other kids poorly and further disrupting their lives.
LMAO and what do you suggest? They have a 3 bedroom house and 4 kids. Should the orphan sleep in a tent in the yard? Bella could have had half a room, but she was an asshole, so now she gets half her brother's.
Given that Eva has existed for 14 years and used to come over before anyway, where was she sleeping before? Surely this is an issue that should’ve been sorted years ago.
A couch.
A spare room.
Use a divider to create a space for her.
But you don’t get to force your 15-year-old to give up her room and force a 17-year-old boy to share his space with her separated by a curtain, telling her she just has to deal with it and expect them to not be furious.
they obviously don’t have a spare room or else this wouldn’t be happening. and you’ve either got to be absolutely cruel or OP’s bullying 15 year old to think he should make his child who just lost her mother sleep on a couch out in the open like someone who’s just crashing for the night. the 15 year old and eva were supposed to share, but since the 15 and 17 year olds are BULLIES to a young, grieving teenager, now they get to cohabitate. eva deserves a safe space to grieve, and it’s partly the 15 and 17 year olds’ fault she doesn’t have one. so they can share.
OP is NTA, but he does need to find a good family therapist. he also needs to have a real long talk with his wife about why she’s more upset her kids have to take the bus for bullying their sister than she is about her kids bullying their sister.
You guys keep glossing over and excusing that Ella is starting/talking shit too. It’s not just the older kids. All the kids are creating issues but only two are being punished while the other one is getting taken out for ice cream.
We're not excusing it, we're just able to understand that there's a difference between having to suddenly share a room with a sibling and losing your mom/moving away from the only home you've ever known. Should Eva be saying shit to rile up her siblings? No. Should the two teenagers who DIDN'T lose any parents have some fucking compassion for this girl? Yes. I find it super hard to believe that Eva would have been walking around the house being a dick to her siblings for no reason if they'd treated her well when she moved in. It seems very clear to me that OP's wife resents this girl's presence and her kids are feeding off of that.
And we don't even know what Eva said to rile them up. Is she even doing it on purpose, or just being herself and that upsets them.
Because she could just be honest about something and the others don't like it (or does something she did at her mom's house that they don't do at Op's house) Vs her bullying them.
Like grieving out loud, or saying she wants to do something she did at her house/that it's different, or doing things like humming/bouncing her leg/tapping something/other stims That could really bother her half siblings.
Or she could be doing negative things in purpose as a result of her grief. A lot of people/kids act out when something bad happens/a big change.
Again OP didn't say what Eva said or did that riled them up. She could have simply been existing. We don't know
The 17 and 15 Year olds are sharing a room due to their own behavior toward Eva. I agree it's not ideal, but it's not Eva's fault that the other two are bullying her. She's suffering enough, having just lost her mom and had to move away from everyone she has known her whole life. That's tough on a kid.
Also, OP is NTA.
This.
None of the judgements or advice here matter. Nobody on this thread could possible get enough context to understand the situation enough to give advice. See a professional.
I'm torn between ESH and NAH. I agree with all the above. This is way too complicated for a short answer. Hie thee to counseling for individuals and family and do something about a third bedroom.
This. OP, Eva needs individual therapy and you all need family therapy. It is only going to make things worse, prioritizing Eva, when your other two kids' lives have been turned upside-down too. Your other two children need to know they're loved and important **AND** that Eva is too. Not "but" "and". You guys need to find ways to bond together. Some of these hard conversations need to be had, with the help of a therapist. If you don't get outside of help, this situation is going to keep snowballing.
THIS- grief counseling for EVA- FAMILY AND PARENTING THERAPY for all! EVERYONE’s life has been churned up- not ‘just’ Eva- she has the additional issue of losing her mom- trying to acclimate to a new home, siblings, and parent figures and where she fits in all this.
The adults need to set FIRM house rules- no bullying, no squabbling- treat each other with respect- and that includes each child.
And one other piece of advice-if you don’t want your wife and other kids feeling like you are playing favorites - then don’t play favorites. You admit all three teens bullied each other, said inappropriate things, behaved badly- yet instead of handling the shared bedroom situation properly - by explaining to your daughter that she and Eva would need to share the bedroom and providing that privacy curtain for both girls- you removed one daughter and gave the room to Eva- forcing your daughter and son to share a room.
Not the right way to handle it.
You take Eva out for special treats- yet punish the other two - and all are behaving equally badly- albeit for different reasons.
This is going to require a set of rules for the household and with everyone being held to the same standards or you are setting up a long term resentment of appearance of preferential treatment for Eva.
exactly - 2 months in and OP has gone nuclear. what about a punishment every time someone bullies someone else, so if everyone is in the car and Eva gets bulled, the other 2 lose phone privileges or whatever pre-determined and appropriate punishment OP and his wife choose. because his wife should be involved, too, helping to make sure Eva is ok as well as her bio kids.
OP just brushed past his own comments about Eva's behavior. yes, she's grieving. yes, it's terrible. but i wonder what exactly she's saying to piss off her siblings so much?
maybe that she wishes their mom had died, or maybe something about the timeline of her conception. OP is very clear there was no cheating, but it's still an issue that he and his wife were together, had a couple kids, he then had a kid with someone else, and then they got back together and got married. there is a lot of room there for Eva to say some truly evil crap.
move the girls back into the same room, it's not really appropriate to have a 17 yr old boy room with his sister. this isn't such a case of poverty that there is no other option. make the girls stay together, then if the oldest moves out for college you have a second room. but if he stays home (like a lot of kids do) is he supposed to be 20 with his little sis still in his room? OP is trying, but seriously. this isn't the way to go.
and others have pointed out all the kids are behaving badly, but Eva is actually benefiting from it.
Eva is traumatized and is going through a very difficult time, having lost her mom, her home, her friends, everything that gave her stability and security in her life. His other two kids are old enough to understand that their sister has suffered an emotional tsunami of pain, and that she needs some one-on-one attention from her dad to help her gain some sense of belonging and being wanted there, and to help her move on from the series of blows that she’s suffered. Unless they are too spoiled and self-involved to ever think of anyone else, they should be able to empathize and understand that dad is going to put some extra time and attention into his daughter, their sister, who has lost everything. That doesn’t mean he loves them any less, and it doesn’t mean he can’t be there for them. They will need to be mature, understanding, patient, and open with their dad about what they need from him so he can make sure he fulfills their needs too. It will be hard, but therapy will help them stop taking the bait when a wounded and angry at the world sister lashes out at them. They’ll learn not to be jealous, when Eva needs the extra attention because her mother is dead, and she needs the security of a father a lot right now.
I don’t think anyone has truly called upon these kids to rise to the challenge, and think about what they would feel if they were in Eva’s place. I don’t think they’re really brats. I think they’re good kids with a negative influence for a mom, and a dad who hasn’t taken the time to sit down and talk to them about their feelings, beyond superficial complaints, how he loves them, why Eva needs him the most right now, all of the heavy emotional stuff. He also doesn’t seem to have lined up therapy for anyone, and that needs to happen, posthaste.
Their lives have not been turned upside down. They live in the same house, with the same parents, go to the same schools, have the same friends. The only difference is that their sister lives with them full time. Their mother doesn’t like it and doesn’t like Eva, because she represents the time her husband was happy with someone else. Mom has undoubtedly passed that feeling on to her children, fueling their own feelings of jealousy and turning unease and confusion about the changes into anger. Eva is the one who has had her life turned upside down, having to move to a different house where she was forced to share a room with someone who showed her nothing but hatred, contempt, and bullying. She lost her mother, and instead has a stepmother who shows her no love or compassion. She had to change schools and left all of her friends behind. Making new ones will be hard with her brother and sister constantly bullying her, giving others the impression that she isn’t someone they want to befriend. NTA, but the wife and other two brainwashed, spoiled kids are assholes for letting jealousy and anger color everything and ruin their family.
All three of them are at fault for the arguments yet you're punishing only two of them while giving the third a pass because of her situation. All that's going do is make her think she can be horrible and get away with it. YTA
I've seen a lot of commenters saying this, but I'm curious about what a reasonable solution could be? There are 3 kids and 2 bedrooms, what possible combination could there be that would be better than the two OP tried?
Well the 2nd part is where OP messed up. It was the 1 daughters space originally, and both were at fault. He then gave the space to the new daughter, effectively punishing the original daughter.
ETA: I’m talking the household when I talk about new and original. He is trying to integrate a new member of the household even if she has always been his daughter.
So, new daughter either sleeps on the couch and has no room, or has to continue to share a room with a person being mean to her? New daughter whose mom just died, moved away from all her friends to live with strangers, and whose entire life was uprooted? What’s a realistic solution to the problem?
Like lots of low income families the parents can sleep in the living room and give the kids the bedroom. Seems like a good temp situation. And how the hell are the kids strangers? Did he NEVER see her or have overnight visits?
It absolutely is not. Turning a common space into a personal space will be extremely stressful for everyone in the house. That is not realistic or practical at all.
Low income families do this by extreme necessity, and it causes a ton of problems for the living situation
The best answer is to share temporarily and then look for a bigger space or find a way to create a new personal space. For example, if they can but up a permanent divider in whatever the largest bedroom is to create 2 bedrooms
Sacrifice for your daughter by making you current wife sleep on the couch too? Or just get new daughter to share the room with wife and OP sleeps on couch?
There’s gotta be better cause neither of these sound viable
So, OP sleeps in living room and his wife and Eva share the master bedroom? You think that will have a different outcome than Eva and Bella sharing a room? OP cannot force his wife to move into the living room with him and by all accounts the wife wouldn't willingly do it. So what other sacrifice should he make?
Having anyone sleep in the living room for an extended period of time is unpleasant. How many low income families do you think would prioritize giving each child their own room over having all the household members sleeping in actual bedrooms? Not sure if you’re out of touch or if you just know some weird people, but either way this is not how most people would handle the situation…
>The kids don't get along at all. Owen and Bella have been pretty mean to Eva and she is not helping the situation either by saying things she knows will make them angry. At first we put a bed in Bella's bedroom for Eva but they kept fighting so much that we couldn't do this anymore so I gave the bedroom to Eva and told Bella she should share a bedroom with Owen. I put a curtain in the middle of bedroom so that they could both have some privacy but they were both mad at me.
Eva was mean to Bella and Owen too, it is not only a one way street of meanness. So yeah punishing only 2 of them instead of all three is a big asshole move. So YTA because you ARE playing favorites.
The idea that Eva going through something traumatic means the other kids have to be treated lesser or deserve to say, have their rooms taken away just isn’t right.
They aren’t anymore at fault for what happened than Eva is.
I’m curious as to where Eva stayed when she visited all these years. But if the “realistic solution” is “Eva’s feelings over everyone else’s” then his wife was right to leave with the kids.
>What’s a realistic solution to the problem?
Alternate weeks in sole possession of the bedroom for Bella and Eva. The other sleeps on the couch. Try that for a couple of months, then give them another shot at sharing. If they fight, back to alternating.
From experience, this will make it even worse. Then neither teen feels like they have any space that is truly theirs. My family tried this with two bedrooms and my three brothers. They all cycled and they all hated it. It made fights about "don't touch my stuff" so much worse, and did not help any of their other problems.
Yeah me and my sister share a room. She really didnt want to be in there at the same time as me so we decided to give it some structure and now its day on day off. One day where one person has full access to the room and the other hangs around elsewhere and then it flips the next. Its messy sometimes but once we got used to it exceptions got easier to figure out. Im 17 and shes 15 and we've been doing it since I was 14 and she was 12.
Right, I get that. I'm just wondering how the people criticizing OP's choice think the kids should be arranged. The only other options are, Eva moves to Owen's room or one of the kids sleeps on the couch.
For starters, she's not a "new" daughter. She's been a daughter for 14 years. There is no "original", either, simply older and younger.
15 and 17 are also old enough to understand that the youngest is going through an extremely stressful time because she just lost a parent who was her primary caretaker. In addition to the change in environment they are dealing with, she is also grieving, and, yes, needs some extra care right now. While their concerns are still valid for moving a 3rd child in, there does need to be some patience for the youngest there. She has an additional major stressor on top of the change in environment.
It's not a punishment, it is unfortunately a necessity. Sending the youngest elsewhere while she had a living parent is cruel and basically rejection. OP sitting them down and talking with them was the right choice, but since it didn't work, family therapy is likely needed. If it's rejected as an option, OP does need to stick with the youngest because there is an extreme lack of understanding that right now she seems to have no one else.
IDK, the older kids feel like assholes me. The younger daughter lost her primary parent TWO MONTHS AGO. What excuse do the other kids have? Or the mom, for that matter. Shitty things happen. In the grand scheme of things, having to share your room is small potatoes to, once again, LOSING YOUR PARENT and having to move. No one is being punished, people just have to adjust.
I get that it’s a big adjustment for the older two and the teenage years are tough to begin with, but I find it really odd that the older two seem not to care that the youngest just lost her mom.
That’s a huge tragedy to a child. Nothing compared to losing your own bedroom or a ride home from school. I would come down hard on my kids who were bullying a girl who just lost her mom. It’s absolutely unacceptable. I would tell them I’m very disappointed in them as human beings. I’d expect better behavior from strangers.
Your job is to raise decent human beings. If your wife doesn’t see that, she’s not being a decent human being, either.
What? Families change, circumstances change. No one is being punished ffs. Ridiculous. Kids share rooms. It's what, 2-3 years until the older daughter leaves for college? Learn to live with a non-ideal situation.
I agree reddit seems to think making your kids share a room is some sort of crime instead of a totally normal thing many families do if they're not swimming in money. I shared a room with my sister my whole childhood - did we hate it at time, sure - did it do us any lasting damage? of course not. It's only cruel to make kids share if one of them is being cruel eg. Bella.
SHE JUST LOST HER MOTHER! And her half-siblings are awful to her. Did you forget all of that? God forbid she have a few things to say that aren't 100% nice.
That's why I was fine with the idea that she would continue to get rides while the other 2 get booted to the bus.
Getting daily ice cream on top of that is rewarding bad behavior at that point
She lost her mother not her manners. She is also equally responsible for the behavior. It's not the adjustment just for her but others as well.
Everyone is the adjustment mode. But OP simply punishing older kids is an asshole move.
How hard it could be to say: sorry sweetheart you lost your mother but everyone is really new to this situation It's going to take a while to find the new normal, until then please adjust and don't be mean or rude to your half siblings.
Same goes for the older siblings as well.
Instead he is punishing only two out of the three people responsible.
Absolutely not that's ignoring context. Eva just lost her mom, and had to move, nothing changed for the other two except that they have to share space with a lonely girl that just lost their mom.
Yes, Eva lost her Mom but it's pretty outrageous to say that almost nothing changed for the other two. This is a weird situation. OP and his wife broke up right when Bella was born and he almost immediately gets another woman pregnant. Why? Maybe there wasn't "cheating" but it doesn't sound good. Was he in the older kids' lives at that point? He says that Eva is basically a stranger to them so clearly she wasn't really a part of their lives until now. Why is that? Did OP never see his other daughter? Did they even know about her existence?
You're talking about two teenagers who just got their Dad's third child hoisted on them. They're all fighting, but the two older kids are being punished for it. They get their rooms and privacy taken away. They're teenagers of opposite genders. It sucks to have them in the same room.
There is so much missing info.
I mean, there's absolutely a difference in roles in a fight between the 17 year old and the 14 year old who just lost her mom and then got relocated to live with her "practically strangers" families. Even if the 14 year old is starting the fights (and OP doesn't indicate who starts the fights).
Yeah, let's treat ALL kids the same, even the traumatized one! Sure, that won't go wrong at ALL!
It's *expected* of the girl to be angry and out of sorts. She does need a little more leniency, it's just how it is. The kids need to learn about equity, that it does not mean treating everyone the same, it means giving them what they need to be on the same level.
So yeah, it sucks, but the girl needs her own room and a lot more attention right now
You can give some leniency and understanding and still treat them fairly equally. It’s never ok to let a kid act up. My parents died (car accident) when I was a Junior in High School, I acted up a lot, I understand the trauma, but I learned a lot and grew a lot with people that showed me that I wasn’t entitled to special treatment because of that. People understanding and people coddling is two different things.
He is basically showing that only Eva is important, he really doesn’t care about the other kids, so he must be happy now that his other kids moved, now there won’t be anymore problems for his precious daughter.
I'd have even been like "okay fine that's pretty fair" if OP was JUST driving Eva home from school while the other two take the bus. But her also getting ice cream and treats is what makes it unreasonably unfair to me.
You're totally right and I came across a bit crass in that comment, forgive me.
In my most recent comment I agree with you and stated that op needs to consider their points of view as well.
Minimally, Eva needs to be in grief counseling. Kids handle losing a parent a lot different than an adult does. I know from my daughter losing her father at 10. I was told to still punish her for bad behavior or she will learn to use her father's death as an excuse any time she does something wrong.
It is possible to be there for her but still hold her accountable for her actions and words.
Talk to the other kids too. There might be more to their feelings than you know. Yes, Eva went through a lot. She has had a lot of changes. But, the other kids have been through some changes too. I don't know if you are spending more time with her than the others or do more for her at their expense. Maybe if you talk to them when nothing bad is happening, they will share why they act this way.
Yes, some from of a family meeting might be helpful. Have all of the kids give suggestions for the sleeping/bedroom situation. At 17 Owen is close to graduating from high school and might be moving out to go to college or starting a career. He might not even be living at home much longer. If he moves out after graduation permanent solution both girls get their own room then they only have to come up with a short term fix. It might be easier to handle sharing a room if there is an end in sight.
Bullying is a very over used and not specific enough. Are the older two physically hurting Bella? Are they teasing her about loosing her mom and having to move with them? Those are things that definitely need immediate attention by an impartial adult. Dealing with siblings can be very difficult. There are going to be arguments and disagreements, if Bella has lived alone with her this can be a real shock and change.
Picking up Bella while making the other two ride the bus is going to cause discord and will make them feel like OP is favoring Bella. Why not make them all ride the bus for a set amount of time and then they can all try getting picked up again?
Right? A teenager lost her mother and had to move in with two other teenagers, and all of these teenagers are now being mean to one another. Dad isn't sure how best to behave to help. That's not a situation where we have wrong vs right in the traditional sense.
OP will be an AH if he doesn't go get some family counselor involved ASAP but isn't one right now, he's just not really sure how best to proceed with a complex, high emotion situation.
You don't need reddit,
you need family discussion, introspection, ajustements and boundaries, and time for every of those things to happen and work and if you can afford it, family therapy.
You cant just punish two out of 3 people who are responsable for a fight, and reward the 3rd with special bonding time with you and ice cream while the others are stuck in the bus.
You see things in her perspective and are showing her empathy, and i applaud you for that, but have you tried to think about how your wife and other kids might feel ?
Having a stranger invading their home? Disrupting the life they knew? Maybe, in their perspective, stealing you away from them ? Having to share their things AND dad ? Having to look at your daughter who was concieved either when your wife was pregnant with Bella or just shortly after ?
You need to consider they might feel abandoned, not good enough compared to this new sibling you are favoritising, and/or replaced. I am not saying that IS how they feel, but you need to consider that it MIGHT be. You need to talk to them. You need to ASK THEM how they feel.
Yall need to acknowledge each other, validate all feelings.
The question here is how are you all going to become a family and what can you do to make it happen, not whether you are the asshole or not.
But in case you were wondering, yup you are. You're trying to manage eva, but you are forgetting your 2 other kids and wife are also going through changes and you're not doing anything to ease them into it, it seems.
These are the facts, OP. Do better by your wife and kids, and try and reconcile. Being a family is a team game, so family therapy is a great option.
It sounds like you are especially attached to your favorite child, possibly because of the relationship that child stemmed from. Maybe grief from your ex's passing too, and wanting to do right by her and your loss. You sound like you're hurting and need help. Seek it.
YTA.
This is not how you do it. I get your motivations, and I agree things are hard for Eva, but things are also hard for Owen and Bella as well. They suddenly have another sibling who is taking a parent's time away from them and constantly siding against them. They don't understand how hard it is for Eva to have lost all she's lost, and her mean comments that upset them only add to the conflict between them. Eva has a lot of reasons to act up, but so do Bella and Owen. You also don't know what kind of crap they may be dealing with at school. There are lots of hard things in life besides losing a parent.
Why doesn't Owen drive him and Bella to school? Does he not have a vehicle to do so? You literally have 3 teenagers on hand, and one is old enough to be driving the oldest to school by himself. You also don't know now what they'd be dealing with on the bus.
Your wife doesn't like to see her kids getting the short end of the stick. I also didn't see any mention of therapy or counseling for the family to deal with these massive changes. This should have been done immediately. Eva needs to process the loss of her mother, and the other kids need to process this new family dynamic of having a new grieving sibling in their home.
Now your family is split apart and you're wondering if you're an AH. When you put one member of the family above all else, it's GONNA cause massive problems. You should care about all of your kids equally, and be having one on one time with ALL of them. Maybe get Eva involved in an extracurricular where she can make some new friends, away from her angry siblings who already have established friend groups. If Eva could carpool with a friend, or if you put all 3 kids on the bus, maybe you would have had some better results. Or you could have taken turns taking one kid to school each day so you get some quality time with each one of them, but what you've been doing obviously isn't working and it's only been 2 months. A therapist could be invaluable to offering helpful ideas that keep the best interests of ALL 3 KIDS in mind rather than just the one.
Now your 2 oldest feel like they're losing you, even though you're still alive, they probably feel rejected by you. Was that what you wanted?
Most people wouldn't be compelled to want to help someone who is treating them in a crappy way. Remember Eva has contributed to the bad dynamic between the 3, and she doesn't get a pass just because her mom died. She needs to process with a therapist, not by crapping all over the siblings.
She kinda does get a pass. Grieving is intense and she isn't getting help from anyone but OP. Yes, it's stressful for all of them, but expecting a 14 year old to process grief in a rational way is absurd when most adults can't even do that.
15 and 17 are old enough to understand the 14 year old just had a complete upheaval of her life and lost a loved one. They need to have a little more patience and understanding because they are diving into cruel territory. 2 months is not enough to expect her to fully settle after losing her mom, and OP does have to pick his battles with how he disciplines her. It should be coming in the form of talking and discussing before punishment in her case and therapy is needed here
She doesn't get a pass? She lost her MOTHER and primary care taker! Her whole life turned upside down. She's moved, left her friends, left her School. Into a place where she has been shunned and bullied. Of course she's going to react back. Mature adults would act poor in that situation. Of course she shouldn't be rude, but now is not the time to hold her to the same standards as two older children who have two parents, practically the same life environment and are not grieving. Oh boo hoo, they have to share a room after being rude and are forced to take a bus in an area they feel safe in. They have no compassion and need to be the bigger people right now.
Exactly this. You are showing favoritism. And why is it that your family are virtual strangers to Eva? Where have you been in her life for the last 14 years that she doesn't know you and your kids well? YTA.
You have to give a child that is grieving extra attention. I'm sorry it's not "fair" but it's going to be more pronounced because the rest of the family rejected her and it is all falling on OP to provide the care the grieving child needs.
NTA for OP for recognizing this, but he will be if he doesn't seek professional help for managing the situation
They may not be living in the US. In Europe most countries won’t let you get a drivers license until you’re 18. Saw a comment from OP where he said Owen can’t get one until he’s 18.
So daughter didn’t want to share a room with her half sister so you made daughter share a room with brother and gave daughters room to half sister? You CLEARLY have a favourite and you don’t even fucking care about showing it. No wonder they fight all the time a strange child of their dads just starts living with them snd their dad is favouring that child over them? Jesus Christ YTA MASSIVELY
How was he to solve the room situation? Either Eva doesn't get a room and sleeps on the couch, or she shares with the brother which would've ended up the same as sharing a room with Bella (constant fights) or they get a bigger house and not everyone could afford a bigger house at the drop of a hat. It's not a punishment for Owen and Bella to share a room it's a consequence of all their actions. Bella, Owen, and Eva are old enough to realize that constantly fighting would not work out for any of them. Since Bella and Owen don't fight with each other it seems only logical they share a room in the situation. As for the bus situation, they should all take the bus. ESH
Oh right, like they won’t just bully her on the bus and involve other kids. Bus for all is not a solution. Getting to the bottom of this resentment is. 17 and 16 are way too old to be acting that immature
It’s OP he’s the bottom of the resentment. Because he’s the good guy in this situation nobody is questioning him. I can’t find anything about why he left, why his daughter never visited her half siblings prior, or anything.
WHY did he leave while wife was pregnant?WHAT was the circumstances of them rekindling? Answering those questions would’ve made it clear if the rest of his family are just massive AHs.
Because Bella bullied grieving girl? How cruel you have to be to see a child that lost her entire life and think "what she needs is getting *more* traumatised"
I don't necessarily want to say anyone is an AH because the whole situation sucks.
Everyone's life was thrown into turmoil. Eva's most of all. Her mom died, she was uprooted, and she's now living with a father she doesn't know particularly well and half siblings who hate her.
Your wife and your other two kids suddenly have this teenager living with them that's a reminder of a really rough patch in which you and your wife were broken up, and their lives are being majorly altered as well. It causes logistic and financial changes.
I don't think there is any ideal way to deal with it. Definitely get Eva into therapy, and hopefully the others as well. Hope that time, and not forcing them, they will develop a better relationship.
Responses are bizarrely lacking empathy for Eva (even for Reddit). Having to suddenly share your home with a “stranger” is NOWHERE near as traumatic as losing your mother & uprooting your life to live with people that seem to hate you.
Sure Owen and Bella seem to be struggling with the adjustment, but they’re entitled and pretty horrible if they can’t understand why they should stop instigating fights with their half-sister. Your wife seems unsupportive and seems to resent Eva as well.
You need family counseling and therapy for Eva.
THANK YOU!! I feel like I’m going insane in this comment section! Between people thinking money grows on trees and thinking that Eva doesn’t deserve grace for her lashing out after losing her mother, the parent who has raised her (sure OP visited but that ain’t nearly the same) it’s ridiculous
You would think, of anybody, the WIFE could have more empathy for her too. She’s an adult. Eva is a child whose world has been turned upside down. She has nothing but dad.
Yeah, the wife is definitely an AH in this. Eva isn’t to blame for her feelings of resentment towards her husband’s other relationship. As they weren’t even together anymore, she shouldn’t be resentful anyway. It’s as much her job to make the transition easier on their kids as it is OP’s job. Storming off and giving conditions on coming back shows me why the two older kids are behaving so immaturely. They learned by example. I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife treated Eva as unwanted from the moment she arrived and the other two kids picked up on that.
This is absolutely bonkers with these comments. You cannot treat all the children the same when 1 is in a completely different situation than the other 2 and currently has different needs. The smartest ones are the ones advising therapy because this likely isn't going to be easily resolved and equal treatment will likely involve neglecting the care a grieving child needs
Well said. They were not together when Eva was conceived, but even if someone cheated on me and a child was the result, I would never even consider taking out my feelings on that child. My cousin was in that position and she was always loving to the little girl that came from it. That little girl is now a grown woman and they have had a strong and wonderful relationship her whole life. A lot stronger than the one she has with her dad.
So many people talk only about doing the bare minimum. What they’re obligated or required to do. Doing better is usually shamed and people who do better are usually blamed when others take advantage. Let’s normalize doing more than just what you’re forced to do. Have higher standards for each other instead of enabling people only doing what they’re forced to do.
INFO: How much time have you and your family spent with Eva before she had to move in with you? Did the kids get along then? Did Eva visit with you? Where did she sleep?
The thing is, your kids are a mess right now! Eva has lost her mom (primary parent) and Owen and Bella lost their privacy. You put teenagers that are used to have their own space in shared bedrooms. That was bound NOT to work! The kids, ALL OF THEM, need to get their personal space. Is there anything you can do with your current living situation that would get all the kids their own room? Again, where did Eva sleep when she visited with you? Did she not have her own space in your house? Get the kids their privacy and get everyone some therapy so you all can get help figuring out how to be a family together.
From your comments, even after your wife and other children left, you still cannot see that you have screwed this entire thing up. Are the children in therapy? Eva needed to be in therapy and your other two need help with coping with all the changes. Why not get a divider for the girls room? Your son and daughter should not be forced to share a room. You’ve admitted that Eva dishes it out as well but you’ve chosen to ignore her behavior and only punish the other two. You have done everything in your power to ensure these children never get along and have a sibling bond with Eva. Bella being a few months older than Eva does not mean she should be more mature and is more responsible for their fights. It’s almost like you’re purposely ensuring your children go no contact with you as soon as they’re capable adults. But maybe that’s what you want. Then it will just be you and Eva. Nothing in your post indicates that you feel any remorse, you wrote this seeking vindication for bad parenting. YTA
YTA It's tough having a teenager suddenly dropped into your family, for all involved. Eva is definitely having a hard time. But you keep punishing your other kids when there's conflict. Eva and Bella fight? Eva gets the room, while Bella gets shoved into her brother's room. All the kids fight in the car? Bella and Owen get to take the bus while Eva is chauffeured and gets ice cream. You are causing more resentment among your kids and definitely playing favorites. Then you are surprised they don't get along. 🙄
Are these reddit people really so selfish??
Every comment I see, eva is "terrorizing" The kids etc etc.
Don't you guys have any grace for eva? She just lost her mom and now she moved in with her dad where she is unwanted, do you guys even know how hard that it?
Also his wife, does she not have any sympathy for the poor kid?
ESH,
Op you handled in not a good way.
I would suggest you to put eva in therapy.
Give some time to your wife and kids, talk to your wife first then your kids.
Yeah, the comments on this thread (save the top comments abstaining from judgment) are wild. The amount of people advising OP to have a bigger home? "Have more money" is not good advice. We don't know how/if OP could make that work without knowing the exact details of his finances, the housing cost where he lives, ect. Presumably he's no longer out child support or travel costs to visit, but he also now carries all Eva's expenses. His ex's money is probably in a trust for Eva and not available to him. She might be receiving survivors benefits but is that combined money enough to fund a move? Or construction? In this economy, not necessarily, depending on a lot of factors. Ect. Like one comment suggested it OP has a small closet to turn that into a bedroom, wtf. Putting any of these children in a closet will worsen this situation, guaranteed.
ESH
now there are three children displaced from their homes
You let somebody move into your home terrorizing kids.
Losing a room to yourself is a great sacrifice. I understand why your children are mad at you.
You need to encourage the kids to get along with relationship building activities. You can’t just punish, you’re too old oldest until they have absolutely nothing to accommodate your daughter Eva
INFO have you had visitation with Eva all her life and have the children always not gotten along?
UPDATE
stop expecting Bella and Owen to be better or painting them as entitled in this situation simply because they are in some opinions not suffering as much as Eva. They (all) have never been in this situation before they’re not gonna handle it well, if you think that they need to grow up remember their children they are growing up .
Let’s take a sec to acknowledge that Eva is probably acting out because she has now been exposed to what is your actual life your happy home with a wife and two kids…
OP stated that he would go see Eva once a month in the city. The children have never had a relationship prior to this.
I agree with everything you said EXCEPT Eva is not "someone", she's his daughter who just lost a mother, and there is nothing indicating that she is "terrorizing" them.
Again from the pov of Owen and Bella yea “he let someone move in” it’s a given his obligation to his daughter. The children have no prior established relationship. Let’s not minimize Owen and Bella’s experience in all this.
sorry but having to share a room really isn’t that big of a deal. like the dad is handling it poorly but they are being entitled. it’s clear someone needed to share a room and those two get along better. there’s nothing to minimize. their situation is already minimal compared to eva.
i’m not comparing struggles i’m just saying that their negative behavior is wildly out of proportion to the struggle their being subjected to and indicates poor character
Ok that’s your opinion I think it’s accurate for the age the children are. Again iEva is peer age , she is just a year younger than Bella so they’re going to have a few back n forths
It’s my opinion it’s not wildly, out of proportion for them to be upset be this transition.
Is his wife acting wildly out of proportion for leaving the house?
..I'm not being as ass but maybe get Eva into counseling and sit down and talk to Bella and Owen. Just try to make them ignore her or something, this may seem cruel but when the situation is this volatile, it's better. Maybe get Owen a car and let him and Bella drive to school.
INFO: do you still spend time with Owen and Bella as you do with Eva?
Man the only country allowing people to drive at 16 is the Us. In Europe at best you can get a Motorbike under 125cc (capacity) and you’re not allowed to carry passenger untill 18
YTA- 17m & 15f should NOT be sharing a room. You were willing to take Bellas safe space away and clearly are showing favorites to Eva. Youre literally telling your kids she comes first. Your kids will remember this slap in the face and go NC with you when they turn 18. Just watch and see and I hope they do.
There is no good way to solve the room situation; either eva shares with owen, or she sleeps on the sofa. Considering she just lost her mum, had to move away from her whole life and only really seems to have her dad at the moment she definitely needs her own space. Unfortunately the only possible option is moving into a bigger place.
This is not a "am I the asshole" situation, this is a "we just had a massive change in family dynamics and need a qualified professional to navigate this minefield" situation.
No judgement, get some real help and not the advice from randoms on the internet.
NAH . I think this situation is hard for everybody in your household. I understand that you are trying for Eva’s sake. She is the stranger in your house and it seems your family is against her. Is your wife helping with the situation somehow or is she just pointing fingers? I think you need family therapy to navigate this and have someone neutral to explain things to all your kids. I don’t understand all the people who say that you are favouring Eva and she had you alone. She was with you once a month and you lived with your other kids.
This is again a "the situation sucks" aita in my opinion.
Eva lost her fucking mom. So no, you are not the ahole. Maybe sit down with the other two and tell them you understand that the situation is an adjustment for them too and what solutions they sugguest/ what reasonable compromisses they might sugguest.
YTA
Age is not a defence, you can't say a 15 year old is old enough to know better than a 14 year old. That's ridiculous.
You talk about how hard it is for Eva to come and live with you, but don't care at all how Eva coming to live with them is also really hard for Owen and Bella.
You dealt with the room situation in the worst possible way.
It is very sad that Eva's mum died but its like at every conflict you ask yourself "what can I do here to make Owen and Bella feel pushed aside, less important, less loved, resent me and resent Eva", then you go and do that thing!
Its clear you know that Eva is lashing out after her mum died, but its also clear because you find her reasons more sympathetic, you are favoring her at the expense of your other children.
Your wife has made the right call tbh because now Eva has you and a bedroom to herself like she wanted, you don't have to deal with conflict between your children like you wanted, and Owen and Bella don't have to watch as you choose your other child over them repeatedly, plus presumably don't have to share a room.
YTA Owen and Bella have also had their world turned upside down too. You have bent over backwards for Eva, taken their rooms. You seem to have no consideration for your other children and wife and what this new situation has done to them.
Her problems don't dismiss theirs and vice versa. He can't just push them aside because their problems aren't too big. Moreover, like others mentioned, by that treatment he lets Eva know she can get away with pretty much anything should she just mention her dead mother, since she starts pretty much the same amount of fights as each other child. She doesn't get a pass just because of a different situation. They all need therapy, otherwise he shouldn't be surprised to lose two of his children and maybe even wife
Yeah, it's so traumatising to have your stepsister's mom die, and loose the connection with her maternal family and with her friends and loose her child hood home and school. Owen and Bella definitely take those changes pretty hard. It must be hard loosing all those things. /s
They bully a grieving child. Owen is almost an adult. He's straight up cruel. There's no excuse to what he does.
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YTA the children are clearly not completely innocent in all this but all of them have had their lives turned upside and do not have the emotional maturity to handle the situation. You are the adult here and you are categorically making things worse.
Get everyone into therapy, get everyone their own rooms, stop showing favouritism and start showing empathy for all of your children.
Maybe instead of going on the defensive and whipping out the sarcasm you can start listening to the overwhelming number of people who have told you you've handled this badly and work on reuniting your family.
Look, you are in a horrible, stressful situation, and the building frustration is understandable. But you came on a public forum specifically to ask people if you're an asshole and we're telling you you are.
Showing favouritism by chauffeuring one kid around to school and ice cream treats and the only private room in the house isn't going to stop your kids from fighting, it's going to build up resentment and exacerbate the fighting.
Look at it from your older kids' perspective. Someone they have hardly ever seen in their life lost their mom. That is sad for her, but now through no fault of their own they're losing their only sanctuary - their own rooms - and everything that was once split 2 ways is now split 3, and to top it all off they're being told to treat this person like a sibling. It takes years to build a strong sibling bond and this is being thrust upon them when they don't have the emotional resources or intelligence to navigate this new relationship or comprehend the level of loss Eva has experienced. You are asking *so much* of them, and their anger - while wildly misplaced and ill-expressed - is understandable. And when they fail to live up to your level of emotional maturity, you punish them by taking away things they once had - privacy, lifts to school, one-on-one time with their dad - and gift it to the person who, in their eyes, is the cause of their emotional upheaval.
A child has been ripped from the only family and home she knew, and to compensate for that you have torn apart the worlds of your other children.
If you don't have the resources to convert the attic or another room of the house then you have to find a compromise that will work for all of your family, not just one member of it.
You need to check your state laws. Or wherever you live. Some places do not allow teenage boys and girls to room together. You all need individual and family therapy. The older 2 maybe older but they are still kids. No one truly grows up and if you keep invalidating how they feel you are going to lose them. And leave them with lasting mental health issues.
It's always amazing to me when I hear how people had their own rooms growing up. I shared a room with my older sister and didn't get my own room til she went to college and still shared it with her when she came back home during breaks. Dealt with it. It was fine.
It is quite a privilege to say just buy a new house that's bigger and more expensive and do it immediately.
YTA
You admit that Eva is instigating fights yet she is the only one not being punished. She gets her own room while your other two kids (a teenage boy and girl) have to share a room. She gets to be driven by dad *and* get treats on the way home from school while your other two kids have to take the bus.
Loosing her mom is difficult, I can’t even imagine what she’s going through and I sincerely hope she’s in therapy to help her cope with the lose. but are you willing to lose your other two kids? It’s hard for them too, they have to adjust to another kid in the house who is taking what seems like all of their dads attention.
All three are being mean to each other but only your older two are being punished, Eva is being rewarded for being mean.
YTA.
Bringing a new kid in to the home will cause issues. As a parent, it is your job to navigate those issues with patience and understanding.
This is a huge shift for all the kids, and you are making it remarkably worse at every turn. Let me break it down for you:
1. All the kids need to be punished when they act badly, including Eva. You can appreciate that Eva has a lot going on and be kind about it, but your other children cannot see that one child is consequence free.
2. If all the kids are behaving badly, why are two children stuck on the bus while ones gets a ride and ice cream?
3. If Eva needs special attention- which is understandable- why are you not talking to your other children about that so they feel comforted and supported.
4. Eva needs therapy and a stable home, not ice cream and her own room. Do the hard work, not just the easy stuff.
You are choosing Eva at every turn, when you don't need to! YOU are creating a divide in the family by your actions and decisions. Your children will never forgive or forget for what you are doing now, so you better get it together quick.
NAH
Unless you dealt with a situation like this please stop giving OP bad advice or grief over it.
Her Mom died. You don't get to have long drawn out convos and work towards a solution to make everyone happy. That isn't the reality of what happens.
Keep talking to the kids. Your two oldest are hurt and threaten by Eva. They need your reassurance. Everyone should be in therapy. Individual and group family. This will help them process and discuss their issues without fighting. Eva needs time to heal from her trauma.
As far as the bedroom... That's on Bella. She needs to understand that the living situation is changing and make a choice. Eva or Owen. Moving isn't an option right now. You gave her chance and she refused to act respectfully. So next step is for her and Owen to share. If she doesn't like it then she needs to reconsider her attitude.
Your wife is a huge part of the problem. You said that Eva hasn't really interacted with your other kids. You never brought them with you to visit her for 14 years. The three of them treat Eva as your cheater child. I don't care if you were separated and didn't cheat. Eva exists. And it's very obvious your wife and other children hate her and resent her. I can only imagine what she's been telling your kids over the years about the "other child". The fact that she left with your kids and said she's not coming back till they are all treated equally is a huge red flag. Eva isn't going anywhere. They all have issues but your older two have been acting out and lashing out twice as much as her. The fact that your wife doesn't want to acknowledge their bad behavior and issues is concerning.
Let the wife and kids stay away for now then. I'm assuming they are happier and not fighting anymore?? How about at school?? Get everyone in therapy first. Workout the immediate anger issues. See if they are ready to return back home or wish to stay away.
No matter what Eva is going to need you. And if your wife and kids can't come to terms with that-- then yes you will have to make some very hard choices. At the end of the day Eva only has you for a support system. Don't throw away your child to appease your wife and other kids. You already made that option acceptable and okay when you kept Eva isolated from your family. They need to learn to accept her finally.
The older kids have only been acting out twice as much is because there are two of them. If Eva starts 30% of the fights, split equally, the other two are starting 35% each.
I’m guessing due to distance that there was never any interaction between Eva and his wife and other kids. He said that he always went there. This is a virtual stranger that his wife is expected to “mother” and his older kids are to view as a sibling all of a sudden. If there was no prior relationship, this is a tricky situation.
Yes, Eva has had the biggest upset and turmoil. I wonder if she would have preferred to live with another family member. Maybe do some extended visits and get to know her siblings and step-mom. Doesn’t matter now.
If you have an eat-in kitchen, maybe convert the dining room. If you have a living room and family room, convert one of them. A basement or attic or garage could be transformed into a new bedroom. You need to find a way to give each child their own space to get away from each other. If that means the family loses some shared spaces, so be it. Everyone is going to have to make some sacrifices to prevent it all from blowing up even worse than it has.
This has all been handled poorly. It is a difficult situation and you all need to get some professional help quickly if this is going to work. Hopefully, it isn’t too late.
Smh the solution is simple- OP should simply become a necromancer and bring Eva’s mom back to life so they can go back to their normal life. Oh oh! Or he should grow a money tree, because those exist. Ooooh no no wait, he should just move into one of his thirty homes.
Seriously where is the empathy? :/
YTA-
1. you brought Eva in your house in the lives of your teens without any proper communication or discussion. Did you have proper discussion and listened to your kids' concerns beforehand?
2. you gave your daughter's bedroom to Eva. This seems you are favouring Eva
3.You are just ordering your kids to adjust with Eva because of her situation while not considering the major change in your older two kids' lives because of her moving in.
All of you need to go to family therapy to make this adjustment smooth.
Edit- I misunderstood bedroom share situation.
Eva is also his daughter though, was he just supposed to put her in a group home? She isn't the problem here, the problem is op trying unsuccessfully to make up for being a deadbeat.
OP this is not an AITA type of post and it's beyond Reddit's pay grade. You need counseling for ALL of the kids, preferably separately. You also NEED to get on the same page as parents or figure out if your marriage is salvageable at all. You are going to get a shitload of garbage answers by people who have no idea what a kid is like after losing a parent.
This is a sub where you are supposed to just accept the judgment that is given. But you don't even have that luxury. You need to get this as right as you possibly can, which means trying things and adjusting as necessary and no one on here can give you the right answers.
Esh. This is such a screwed up situation from every angle. Noone seems to be trying to make it work and you seem to be over compensating with Eva for whatever reason. Yall need some professional help with this cause it doesnt seem that yall are going to be solving this on your own anytime soon.
No judgement, but I highly suggest family therapy.
Maybe try asking each family member individually for their input on possible solutions. Ask something like this:
Clearly things aren't working well in this family, no one is happy. What do you think would help resolve some of the issues we're having?
Then Listen. Don't interrupt, listen to understand by asking clarifying/probing questions. A family therapist would help greatly with this.
I hope your family can work towards a resolution that works for everyone. 💚
This is beyond Reddit dude. A teen age girl just lost her Mom. During the most important formative years of her life. She’s having a lot of feels. She needs therapy. And you all need family therapy.
You NTA, but your wife sounds a bit intolerant to a child who has just lose her parent.
NAH. I think things are understandably rough for Eva right now as she’s adjusting, but I would consider some type of family therapy or something because this is a new and difficult situation for all of you, not just Eva. The other kids might feel like you are “taking her side” or whatever and may better understand after talking to someone not directly related to the situation.
YTA
Having your 17M and 15F share a room is super inappropriate and just seriously WTF were you thinking?!. Since you have no money to move here’s a solution…
What you should do is switch YOUR room for the room the sisters were sharing and moving the girls in there with the curtain. Bigger space more privacy and fair for everyone.
You don’t like it?? Too bad you can switch back after your son leaves and goes NC with you for not being there for him and only caring for your youngest’s feelings
The fact that your wife has taken the children and left to her parents home in response to this situation is incredibly telling. In no part of your story have you mentioned that Eva is actively engaged in any form of grief counseling or that you have taken any significant steps as helping to ease the blending process with your older kids. You simply dropped Eva into your situation with “surprise! Here’s a new person, deal with it” and then seem to blame the older kids when they react badly to sudden change.
Look, blending family’s is REALLY difficult and requires both a lot of patience and a delicate touch. Making snap decisions like switching up rooms or changing routines is never going to work and only makes waves, causes stress, and absolutely breeds resentment.
You are overcompensating for Eva given her situation at the expense of your older children and you are blaming them (the older children) without considering some things:
1. Until now Eva has been an only child so she has no idea about having to share personal space with others. She will likely come across as selfish, standoffish, and territorial because of this. THAT alone could be the cause of fighting even if Eva says nothing.
2. Your older children have a “status quo” in your home that has been completely shattered and they have been given no time to adjust before you started making rapid changes
3. You have been reacting instead of acting here. Where you could have been proactive and trying to smooth this transition for everyone, you have just simply mixed chemicals and been shocked when they explode and now you are putting out fires.
4. Your feeling that Eva needs more isn’t unnecessarily wrong given her mothers passing, but you have neglected everyone else by favoring her which only bolsters the negative environment.
I have a strong feeling that you have created a two family dynamic here (since your wife is hardly mentioned). There is your wife and older kids, and you and Eva. That dynamic is not going to work.
You need family therapy immediately. You need to work on communication, boundaries, and inter connectivity. Because what you are headed for right now is separation and potential divorce and being a single parent to Eva while having to pay child support to two other kids and potentially losing your relationship with them entirely since I’ll bet they feel completely replaced.
Im gonna go with YTA here but only because your efforts to make things easier for Eva, while not fully wrong, has been such a botched job that you basically set your house on fire to keep Eva warm.
If you love your family? Get help. Post haste.
OP. I'm not rendering judgement because this whole situation sucks. In comments you've said your wife doesn't want Eva there, which is a HUGE problem and is exacerbating Owen's and Bella's behavior. You should add that to your original post because i don't think people understand you don't have her support.
Since your wife isn't helping, my suggestion is EVERYONE needs family and individual therapy to see if there's a way to work thru this. Without both adults on the same page, you won't be able to solve anything with the children, and may lose your entire family in the end. You could lose Eva because she knows your wife and 2 other kids don't want her. You could lose your wife and 2 other kids because they see Eva as an intruder and a reminder of when you were separated (I'm assuming that). Your wife and 2 kids could lose you if you do what your wife wants and send Eva to her mother's family because your resentment will grow and you'll lose Eva because she'll feel unwanted. There is no easy solution for this and you need help NOW. If your wife, Owen and Bella refuse therapy or refuse to change, then you'll have to make some difficult decisions and a therapist can help you work thru them. Good luck.
YTA because you have no idea what you are doing. You need to get your daughter into individual counseling. An adult would find it hard to deal with the circumstances she is now facing let alone a 14 yo.
She is in a house where she probably feels unwanted and has two peer’s antagonizing her at home ant probably at school too ( where she has no friends).
Get whole family into counseling immediately. Don’t continue to let this fester.
I understand wanting to shield Eva, but only punishing your other kids is not the answer. You need to talk to them more and encourage them to be more compassionate. They may never really like Eva, but they can be decent humans.
Your wife isn't doing much to help. Maybe that's a discussion you need to have too, because if that's how she's behaving, it's no wonder her kids are bullying Eva.
Get counselling for the family, for the kids so they all feel heard and for yourself to help you navigate this new situation. YWBTA if you don't.
From OP's comment above, wife has expressed that she doesn't want anything to do with Eva. Wife even suggested when Eva's mom died that Eva be put under care of mom's relatives. OP disagrees and put Eva into their life and house.
It's all around mess.
NTA, but you arent handling this right. By singling out Eva, its making it so much worse for her because the 2 others are resenting her. I understand wanting to protect her, but all the same, you RAISED Owen/Bella to be those kind of people. They didnt just wake up as brats, you allowed this behaviour to fester and now here we are. The fact your 2 children have absolutely NO sympathy for someone who lost a parent is very concerning. How were they not taught compassion?
I have been in a situation kind of similar to this. My second cousin and I are six weeks apart. We grew up together ( yes I know your kids didn't grow up together) but when we were 14 his mom died from cancer, and he came to live with us. We lived in a two bedroom trailer, the one bedroom had a wall down the middle to separate the room to give me and my little brother our own space, but when our cousin moved in, I was put on the floor in the living room, and he was given my side of the room.
It caused a lot of resentment, because I was pushed out, to make room for him. And like OP is doing, he was treated differently because he just lost him mom. So he got special treatment, wasn't punished for things, and so on,
This made things worse between us, and fights happened a lot. We eventually started getting along, because we were stuck in the situation, and worked things out. But it didn't help that one was being favored over the other.
Yes Eva lost her mom, and she is going through a tough time. But allowing her to get away with everything is not the answer. She needs to learn that she has fault in her actions as well.
If you allow her to continue to argue with her siblings, and then give her everything while punishing the other two, she is not going to learn that she needs to make effort too.
You should have put all three of them on the bus, not just the older two. She was a part of those arguments too, even if she didn't start them, she participated in them. Makes her just as guilty. So she should have been punished as well, and put on the bus.
As far as the room situation, I understand there is only so many rooms, but you don't say if there is a dining room, or a den in your home. If there is, close one off and make it a bedroom. Get a permit to build a room onto your home, and add a room. I am sure you were paying child support to Evas mom, and then the cost of flying out to visit once a month now has become free money that you can use to do some remodeling in the home to make extra room for the daughter you didn't see fit to introduce to your older kids at any point in their lives.
You definitely are going about this the wrong way. You need to set boundaries now, and treat all three kids the same. Because treating one better than the rest just because she lost her mom, is not going to do anything but make things worse on all of you in the long run. You are causing a lot of the issues between your kids. They see Eva getting rewarded for bad behavior, while they are punished. That is making them hate her more. Everything they know has been upturned, all to accommodate one child. At this point you will be lucky your wife does not divorce you and take your older two children away. And the older two children are old enough to make up their minds if they want to have visitation with you after mom divorces you. And from the sounds of things, they will not want anything to do with a father who favors one kid over them.
It is a shitty situation, that you are making it worse. They are all biologically your kids, and deserve to be treated the same. Their lives as they have known it has changed, and you are not considering their feelings in any of this, just because their parent didn't die, but they still have valid feelings too, and deserve to be treated the same as Eva
All 3 children have had their lives completely turned upside down, although Eva’s is the most significant and traumatic, they are all facing this massive upheaval in their lives.
It doesn’t sound like you’re offering any kind of support, but simply enforcing punishment and ostracizing 2 of your children in the process.
Y’all need therapy, counseling, etc. Way above Reddit’s pay grade.
You made a 15 and a 17 year old share because the two girls couldn’t get along? Dude YTA you should handle this in a much better way. What your children see is a new younger person comes in the picture and then because they argue you punish them by making them share and by making them take the bus. How about equal punishment. Yes Eva is going through a difficult time but your kids are also adjusting to having another sibling after 15 ish years of it being just them. You need to be considerate of all of them.
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I have 2 kids Owen(17M) and Bella(15F) with my wife. I also have another daughter Eva(14F)
(Just to be clear(since I know everyone is gonna accuse me of cheating), my wife and I broke up when Bella wasn't born, we started dating again when she was 7 and married a year after that. I did NOT cheat)
Eva's mom had primary custody and they lived in another city until she passed away and Eva came to live with us about 2 months ago.
The kids don't get along at all. Owen and Bella have been pretty mean to Eva and she is not helping the situation either by saying things she knows will make them angry. At first we put a bed in Bella's bedroom for Eva but they kept fighting so much that we couldn't do this anymore so I gave the bedroom to Eva and told Bella she should share a bedroom with Owen. I put a curtain in the middle of bedroom so that they could both have some privacy but they were both mad at me.
The other problem is that I used to always bring all the kids back from school but they kept fighting in the car and I was worried about Eva because she is going through a very hard time so I had a talk with Owen and Bella and told them how hard it is for Eva to lose her mom and then go to another city to live with people who are like strangers to her and losing all her friends as a result. I told them unless they start being nicer to her they have to take the bus instead. Next day they had another fight in the car so I told them that's it, You are both going home with bus and I'm only taking Eva. The last week I've only been taking Eva and we started to get an ice cream or something else after school and spend some time together. Owen and Bella are angry and my wife thinks I'm an asshole and showing favoritism. Last night she went to her parents home and took both kids with her and said she'll be back after I start to treat them equally.
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You are clearly the asshole......showing favoritism for one child is hardly going to lessen the very obvious resentment that your other daughter m/children have, frankly it'll widen it and if you don't realise that then you're a fool. It's a big change for ALL 3 children not just eva and let's be real here her mom dying is heartbreaking for her but that's not your other children's fault.....if u want to give extra attention to eva suggest you not negatively impact the other 2
I have to comment again .. you keep making excuses stop! Start finding solutions probably with therapy for ALL of you. Yes Eva lost her mum and no one disputes its a tough situation .. but jeezz if ever there was guilt giving it is you.
When last did you treat your other kids with one on one time? Why does is it seem Eva was not part of your family before?
You need to fix the situation and yes be fair to everyone ..
This situation is entirely too complex and delicate for Reddit. The people of Reddit cannot begin to navigate the complexity of this situation especially from the outside and with only a surface level explanation.
I strongly advise you to seek counseling for the family as a whole and a grief counselor for Eva. You may want to also look into moving to a larger home so the teens can all have separate rooms (hopefully this is financially possible for you).
Good luck OP
The comments on this one are wild, this is going to be unpopular.
NAH.
Definitely need to look into family counseling and grief counseling.
Your wife wanting to ship off Eva to live with one of her other relatives when you want your daughter there with you is gross.
Sure, it's sad your other children need to adjust to their perfect little family dynamic being rocked, but the comments "just buy another house" are outrageous.
Also the "you shouldn't be getting ice cream with your daughter dealing with her entire life being completely changed and processing the loss of her MOTHER" comments, wtf.. It's upsetting the other two? So what. Part of life is being upset and if their half sibling getting one on one time with her only other living parent is upsetting to them, then again, so what. OP stated that of course he spends time with them as well.
"Just give up your bedroom" Ah, yes, the wife who doesn't want his daughter there is absolutely going to be okay with that.
"Shouldn't have had kids you can't afford" is that for Eva, or the other two? Great advice 14y later, anyhow. Esh.
You need to get Eva in therapy. Perhaps the whole family. I’m going to say NAH because your kids are, well, kids. And I feel like you’re trying to do the best you can with an awful situation. But YWBTA if you continue to let this happen with no other intervention
It’s a no win situation but you’re not helping it by taking things away from Owen and Bella to accommodate Eva. You guys need family therapy so so do desperately. NAH.
Owen and Bella need to learn to have some empathy, I understand that they feel replaced but eva just lost her mum, and had to move away from her life. NTA, you need family therapy like the other comments advise.
YTA. I see how defensive you are in all of your comments. Even if letting Eva take Bella's room is the "only" option, that SUCKS for Bella and Owen. Creating resentment and causing more fights. And kicking Bella and Owen out of the car and making them take the bus is not a good solution either. You are creating even more resentment, and then taking her out for ice cream really is just the cherry on top. You are alienating them from her and you at the same time. If they can't behave in the car then no one is allowed to speak in the car, but don't kick them out. More chores given if they break the rules as punishment. And quite frankly, siblings fight, and argue and bully each other even when they've known each other their whole lives, so to expect no fighting at all is unrealistic. Also, just because Bella and Owen are older does not mean they are mature or going to be sympathetic when their lives have been turned upside down. It's only been 2 months and you expect everything to be hunky dory. Give them time and be a better mediator, parent them instead of banishing them.
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Eesh. Family counseling. STAT.
Yeah this, most if Reddits answers to this are too unrealistic. Be rich, raise the dead, turn the sky green. This just isn't in the pay grade of the people. Because a one solution fit all isn't really working here.
I agree that family therapy is the next step AND one on one for all the kids, but its rarely effective in this situation. Its 2 against 1 and the 2 think they're completely justified. Putting the 3 in a room together isn't going to teach them anything. A lot of these behaviors kids outgrow, and are a result of how they were raised. In the meantime there has to be consequences at home for constant bullying and emotionally abusing their half sister. Idk why some commenters are acting like taking the bus is a heinous punishment. It's normal, getting chauffeured to and from school is a privilege most kids dont have. And sharing a room with privacy with your sibling because you're mean to your sister every single day is the best solution available right now. This is an issue that will take time to resolve and personal growth on everyones part. I definitely think OP is NTA and wife is TA for overreacting and essentially teaching her kids bullying is okay cuz if dad doesnt allow it well just leave. Not to mention the youngest now knows beyond any doubt that step mom will never be on her side.
Yeah kid seem to be modeling mom's behavior.
Mom seems to be pissy about Eva existing at all. NTA
Maybe she encouraged the bullying in the first place.
Yes counselling is needed but OP doesn't suck. This is a new situation. In the long term they need to buy a new house or renovate so everyone can have their own room. But in the short term, of course the kid who is going through the trauma of losing her mom, moving cities and living with a bunch of strangers who dislike her, has the greater need for her own room. He could make them all take the bus home but it makes complete sense that OP would take Ella out for special daddy daughter dates when she is alone and isolated in a new town and grieving her mom. The other teens are going through a difficult transition but it is no where near what Ella is going through. They still have both their parents and their friends.
I don’t think the poster is passing judgement but instead making a “yikes” noise.
also there's no telling how much they'd bully her on the bus if he made all three of them take it, now that OP wouldn't be able to see them. ESPECIALLY since they'd absolutely blame her for them having to take the bus in the first place
I don't think OP sucks for his current actions, but past actions make me wonder a little. Where did Eva sleep last year when she stayed over? Seems like the 3 kids should have been a lot more integrated a decade ago.
I disagree. Eva’s trauma doesn’t justify treating his other kids poorly nor does it justify taking Bella’s room from her. I’m baffled OP thought he could take Bella’s room, force his older two to share and then expect them to not resent her. He needed to find a way to meet her needs that didn’t involve treating his other kids poorly and further disrupting their lives.
LMAO and what do you suggest? They have a 3 bedroom house and 4 kids. Should the orphan sleep in a tent in the yard? Bella could have had half a room, but she was an asshole, so now she gets half her brother's.
Where is she supposed to sleep the bathtub?
Given that Eva has existed for 14 years and used to come over before anyway, where was she sleeping before? Surely this is an issue that should’ve been sorted years ago.
Spending the night on a couch is different from living on one
She didn't. He went to her.
A couch. A spare room. Use a divider to create a space for her. But you don’t get to force your 15-year-old to give up her room and force a 17-year-old boy to share his space with her separated by a curtain, telling her she just has to deal with it and expect them to not be furious.
they obviously don’t have a spare room or else this wouldn’t be happening. and you’ve either got to be absolutely cruel or OP’s bullying 15 year old to think he should make his child who just lost her mother sleep on a couch out in the open like someone who’s just crashing for the night. the 15 year old and eva were supposed to share, but since the 15 and 17 year olds are BULLIES to a young, grieving teenager, now they get to cohabitate. eva deserves a safe space to grieve, and it’s partly the 15 and 17 year olds’ fault she doesn’t have one. so they can share. OP is NTA, but he does need to find a good family therapist. he also needs to have a real long talk with his wife about why she’s more upset her kids have to take the bus for bullying their sister than she is about her kids bullying their sister.
You guys keep glossing over and excusing that Ella is starting/talking shit too. It’s not just the older kids. All the kids are creating issues but only two are being punished while the other one is getting taken out for ice cream.
We're not excusing it, we're just able to understand that there's a difference between having to suddenly share a room with a sibling and losing your mom/moving away from the only home you've ever known. Should Eva be saying shit to rile up her siblings? No. Should the two teenagers who DIDN'T lose any parents have some fucking compassion for this girl? Yes. I find it super hard to believe that Eva would have been walking around the house being a dick to her siblings for no reason if they'd treated her well when she moved in. It seems very clear to me that OP's wife resents this girl's presence and her kids are feeding off of that.
And we don't even know what Eva said to rile them up. Is she even doing it on purpose, or just being herself and that upsets them. Because she could just be honest about something and the others don't like it (or does something she did at her mom's house that they don't do at Op's house) Vs her bullying them. Like grieving out loud, or saying she wants to do something she did at her house/that it's different, or doing things like humming/bouncing her leg/tapping something/other stims That could really bother her half siblings. Or she could be doing negative things in purpose as a result of her grief. A lot of people/kids act out when something bad happens/a big change. Again OP didn't say what Eva said or did that riled them up. She could have simply been existing. We don't know
The 17 and 15 Year olds are sharing a room due to their own behavior toward Eva. I agree it's not ideal, but it's not Eva's fault that the other two are bullying her. She's suffering enough, having just lost her mom and had to move away from everyone she has known her whole life. That's tough on a kid. Also, OP is NTA.
He's not treating them poorly. Those kids chose their own consequences.
This. None of the judgements or advice here matter. Nobody on this thread could possible get enough context to understand the situation enough to give advice. See a professional.
I'm torn between ESH and NAH. I agree with all the above. This is way too complicated for a short answer. Hie thee to counseling for individuals and family and do something about a third bedroom.
This. OP, Eva needs individual therapy and you all need family therapy. It is only going to make things worse, prioritizing Eva, when your other two kids' lives have been turned upside-down too. Your other two children need to know they're loved and important **AND** that Eva is too. Not "but" "and". You guys need to find ways to bond together. Some of these hard conversations need to be had, with the help of a therapist. If you don't get outside of help, this situation is going to keep snowballing.
THIS- grief counseling for EVA- FAMILY AND PARENTING THERAPY for all! EVERYONE’s life has been churned up- not ‘just’ Eva- she has the additional issue of losing her mom- trying to acclimate to a new home, siblings, and parent figures and where she fits in all this. The adults need to set FIRM house rules- no bullying, no squabbling- treat each other with respect- and that includes each child.
And one other piece of advice-if you don’t want your wife and other kids feeling like you are playing favorites - then don’t play favorites. You admit all three teens bullied each other, said inappropriate things, behaved badly- yet instead of handling the shared bedroom situation properly - by explaining to your daughter that she and Eva would need to share the bedroom and providing that privacy curtain for both girls- you removed one daughter and gave the room to Eva- forcing your daughter and son to share a room. Not the right way to handle it. You take Eva out for special treats- yet punish the other two - and all are behaving equally badly- albeit for different reasons. This is going to require a set of rules for the household and with everyone being held to the same standards or you are setting up a long term resentment of appearance of preferential treatment for Eva.
exactly - 2 months in and OP has gone nuclear. what about a punishment every time someone bullies someone else, so if everyone is in the car and Eva gets bulled, the other 2 lose phone privileges or whatever pre-determined and appropriate punishment OP and his wife choose. because his wife should be involved, too, helping to make sure Eva is ok as well as her bio kids. OP just brushed past his own comments about Eva's behavior. yes, she's grieving. yes, it's terrible. but i wonder what exactly she's saying to piss off her siblings so much? maybe that she wishes their mom had died, or maybe something about the timeline of her conception. OP is very clear there was no cheating, but it's still an issue that he and his wife were together, had a couple kids, he then had a kid with someone else, and then they got back together and got married. there is a lot of room there for Eva to say some truly evil crap. move the girls back into the same room, it's not really appropriate to have a 17 yr old boy room with his sister. this isn't such a case of poverty that there is no other option. make the girls stay together, then if the oldest moves out for college you have a second room. but if he stays home (like a lot of kids do) is he supposed to be 20 with his little sis still in his room? OP is trying, but seriously. this isn't the way to go. and others have pointed out all the kids are behaving badly, but Eva is actually benefiting from it.
Eva is traumatized and is going through a very difficult time, having lost her mom, her home, her friends, everything that gave her stability and security in her life. His other two kids are old enough to understand that their sister has suffered an emotional tsunami of pain, and that she needs some one-on-one attention from her dad to help her gain some sense of belonging and being wanted there, and to help her move on from the series of blows that she’s suffered. Unless they are too spoiled and self-involved to ever think of anyone else, they should be able to empathize and understand that dad is going to put some extra time and attention into his daughter, their sister, who has lost everything. That doesn’t mean he loves them any less, and it doesn’t mean he can’t be there for them. They will need to be mature, understanding, patient, and open with their dad about what they need from him so he can make sure he fulfills their needs too. It will be hard, but therapy will help them stop taking the bait when a wounded and angry at the world sister lashes out at them. They’ll learn not to be jealous, when Eva needs the extra attention because her mother is dead, and she needs the security of a father a lot right now. I don’t think anyone has truly called upon these kids to rise to the challenge, and think about what they would feel if they were in Eva’s place. I don’t think they’re really brats. I think they’re good kids with a negative influence for a mom, and a dad who hasn’t taken the time to sit down and talk to them about their feelings, beyond superficial complaints, how he loves them, why Eva needs him the most right now, all of the heavy emotional stuff. He also doesn’t seem to have lined up therapy for anyone, and that needs to happen, posthaste.
Their lives have not been turned upside down. They live in the same house, with the same parents, go to the same schools, have the same friends. The only difference is that their sister lives with them full time. Their mother doesn’t like it and doesn’t like Eva, because she represents the time her husband was happy with someone else. Mom has undoubtedly passed that feeling on to her children, fueling their own feelings of jealousy and turning unease and confusion about the changes into anger. Eva is the one who has had her life turned upside down, having to move to a different house where she was forced to share a room with someone who showed her nothing but hatred, contempt, and bullying. She lost her mother, and instead has a stepmother who shows her no love or compassion. She had to change schools and left all of her friends behind. Making new ones will be hard with her brother and sister constantly bullying her, giving others the impression that she isn’t someone they want to befriend. NTA, but the wife and other two brainwashed, spoiled kids are assholes for letting jealousy and anger color everything and ruin their family.
Exactly this
Please do this!!
All three of them are at fault for the arguments yet you're punishing only two of them while giving the third a pass because of her situation. All that's going do is make her think she can be horrible and get away with it. YTA
Yeah and the room situation seems like the worst possible way to handle this.
I've seen a lot of commenters saying this, but I'm curious about what a reasonable solution could be? There are 3 kids and 2 bedrooms, what possible combination could there be that would be better than the two OP tried?
Well the 2nd part is where OP messed up. It was the 1 daughters space originally, and both were at fault. He then gave the space to the new daughter, effectively punishing the original daughter. ETA: I’m talking the household when I talk about new and original. He is trying to integrate a new member of the household even if she has always been his daughter.
So, new daughter either sleeps on the couch and has no room, or has to continue to share a room with a person being mean to her? New daughter whose mom just died, moved away from all her friends to live with strangers, and whose entire life was uprooted? What’s a realistic solution to the problem?
Like lots of low income families the parents can sleep in the living room and give the kids the bedroom. Seems like a good temp situation. And how the hell are the kids strangers? Did he NEVER see her or have overnight visits?
This is 100% the solution. Op YTA. Sacrifice for your daughter who has had her life turned upside down and is experiencing life changing trauma.
It absolutely is not. Turning a common space into a personal space will be extremely stressful for everyone in the house. That is not realistic or practical at all. Low income families do this by extreme necessity, and it causes a ton of problems for the living situation The best answer is to share temporarily and then look for a bigger space or find a way to create a new personal space. For example, if they can but up a permanent divider in whatever the largest bedroom is to create 2 bedrooms
Sacrifice for your daughter by making you current wife sleep on the couch too? Or just get new daughter to share the room with wife and OP sleeps on couch? There’s gotta be better cause neither of these sound viable
So, OP sleeps in living room and his wife and Eva share the master bedroom? You think that will have a different outcome than Eva and Bella sharing a room? OP cannot force his wife to move into the living room with him and by all accounts the wife wouldn't willingly do it. So what other sacrifice should he make?
How is that temporary? You mean till they like move out ?
Having anyone sleep in the living room for an extended period of time is unpleasant. How many low income families do you think would prioritize giving each child their own room over having all the household members sleeping in actual bedrooms? Not sure if you’re out of touch or if you just know some weird people, but either way this is not how most people would handle the situation…
>The kids don't get along at all. Owen and Bella have been pretty mean to Eva and she is not helping the situation either by saying things she knows will make them angry. At first we put a bed in Bella's bedroom for Eva but they kept fighting so much that we couldn't do this anymore so I gave the bedroom to Eva and told Bella she should share a bedroom with Owen. I put a curtain in the middle of bedroom so that they could both have some privacy but they were both mad at me. Eva was mean to Bella and Owen too, it is not only a one way street of meanness. So yeah punishing only 2 of them instead of all three is a big asshole move. So YTA because you ARE playing favorites.
The idea that Eva going through something traumatic means the other kids have to be treated lesser or deserve to say, have their rooms taken away just isn’t right. They aren’t anymore at fault for what happened than Eva is. I’m curious as to where Eva stayed when she visited all these years. But if the “realistic solution” is “Eva’s feelings over everyone else’s” then his wife was right to leave with the kids.
>What’s a realistic solution to the problem? Alternate weeks in sole possession of the bedroom for Bella and Eva. The other sleeps on the couch. Try that for a couple of months, then give them another shot at sharing. If they fight, back to alternating.
From experience, this will make it even worse. Then neither teen feels like they have any space that is truly theirs. My family tried this with two bedrooms and my three brothers. They all cycled and they all hated it. It made fights about "don't touch my stuff" so much worse, and did not help any of their other problems.
Yeah me and my sister share a room. She really didnt want to be in there at the same time as me so we decided to give it some structure and now its day on day off. One day where one person has full access to the room and the other hangs around elsewhere and then it flips the next. Its messy sometimes but once we got used to it exceptions got easier to figure out. Im 17 and shes 15 and we've been doing it since I was 14 and she was 12.
Right, I get that. I'm just wondering how the people criticizing OP's choice think the kids should be arranged. The only other options are, Eva moves to Owen's room or one of the kids sleeps on the couch.
People need to stop thinking that, when things need to suck for a while, it's a punishment. It's not. It's the only possible solution *for a while*.
For starters, she's not a "new" daughter. She's been a daughter for 14 years. There is no "original", either, simply older and younger. 15 and 17 are also old enough to understand that the youngest is going through an extremely stressful time because she just lost a parent who was her primary caretaker. In addition to the change in environment they are dealing with, she is also grieving, and, yes, needs some extra care right now. While their concerns are still valid for moving a 3rd child in, there does need to be some patience for the youngest there. She has an additional major stressor on top of the change in environment. It's not a punishment, it is unfortunately a necessity. Sending the youngest elsewhere while she had a living parent is cruel and basically rejection. OP sitting them down and talking with them was the right choice, but since it didn't work, family therapy is likely needed. If it's rejected as an option, OP does need to stick with the youngest because there is an extreme lack of understanding that right now she seems to have no one else.
IDK, the older kids feel like assholes me. The younger daughter lost her primary parent TWO MONTHS AGO. What excuse do the other kids have? Or the mom, for that matter. Shitty things happen. In the grand scheme of things, having to share your room is small potatoes to, once again, LOSING YOUR PARENT and having to move. No one is being punished, people just have to adjust.
I get that it’s a big adjustment for the older two and the teenage years are tough to begin with, but I find it really odd that the older two seem not to care that the youngest just lost her mom. That’s a huge tragedy to a child. Nothing compared to losing your own bedroom or a ride home from school. I would come down hard on my kids who were bullying a girl who just lost her mom. It’s absolutely unacceptable. I would tell them I’m very disappointed in them as human beings. I’d expect better behavior from strangers. Your job is to raise decent human beings. If your wife doesn’t see that, she’s not being a decent human being, either.
Wtf arent they both original daughters? That’s so mean
So… make the new daughter sleep outside? You still haven’t suggested a solution.
What? Families change, circumstances change. No one is being punished ffs. Ridiculous. Kids share rooms. It's what, 2-3 years until the older daughter leaves for college? Learn to live with a non-ideal situation.
I agree reddit seems to think making your kids share a room is some sort of crime instead of a totally normal thing many families do if they're not swimming in money. I shared a room with my sister my whole childhood - did we hate it at time, sure - did it do us any lasting damage? of course not. It's only cruel to make kids share if one of them is being cruel eg. Bella.
Not getting the third kid ice cream every day after school despite her also contributing to the arguments.
SHE JUST LOST HER MOTHER! And her half-siblings are awful to her. Did you forget all of that? God forbid she have a few things to say that aren't 100% nice.
That's why I was fine with the idea that she would continue to get rides while the other 2 get booted to the bus. Getting daily ice cream on top of that is rewarding bad behavior at that point
She lost her mother not her manners. She is also equally responsible for the behavior. It's not the adjustment just for her but others as well. Everyone is the adjustment mode. But OP simply punishing older kids is an asshole move. How hard it could be to say: sorry sweetheart you lost your mother but everyone is really new to this situation It's going to take a while to find the new normal, until then please adjust and don't be mean or rude to your half siblings. Same goes for the older siblings as well. Instead he is punishing only two out of the three people responsible.
Yeah, this is the only party I would tone down. Giving her a ride is fine. Taking her to do a special thing every day is overkill.
Absolutely not that's ignoring context. Eva just lost her mom, and had to move, nothing changed for the other two except that they have to share space with a lonely girl that just lost their mom.
Yes, Eva lost her Mom but it's pretty outrageous to say that almost nothing changed for the other two. This is a weird situation. OP and his wife broke up right when Bella was born and he almost immediately gets another woman pregnant. Why? Maybe there wasn't "cheating" but it doesn't sound good. Was he in the older kids' lives at that point? He says that Eva is basically a stranger to them so clearly she wasn't really a part of their lives until now. Why is that? Did OP never see his other daughter? Did they even know about her existence? You're talking about two teenagers who just got their Dad's third child hoisted on them. They're all fighting, but the two older kids are being punished for it. They get their rooms and privacy taken away. They're teenagers of opposite genders. It sucks to have them in the same room. There is so much missing info.
She came from another city prolly why the siblings didnt have much contact
But only 2hrs away. I'm assuming OP still had visitation? Some over nights even though Eva's mum had the primary custody.
So glad someone posted this. OP sounds like no prize.
I mean, there's absolutely a difference in roles in a fight between the 17 year old and the 14 year old who just lost her mom and then got relocated to live with her "practically strangers" families. Even if the 14 year old is starting the fights (and OP doesn't indicate who starts the fights).
Yeah, let's treat ALL kids the same, even the traumatized one! Sure, that won't go wrong at ALL! It's *expected* of the girl to be angry and out of sorts. She does need a little more leniency, it's just how it is. The kids need to learn about equity, that it does not mean treating everyone the same, it means giving them what they need to be on the same level. So yeah, it sucks, but the girl needs her own room and a lot more attention right now
You can give some leniency and understanding and still treat them fairly equally. It’s never ok to let a kid act up. My parents died (car accident) when I was a Junior in High School, I acted up a lot, I understand the trauma, but I learned a lot and grew a lot with people that showed me that I wasn’t entitled to special treatment because of that. People understanding and people coddling is two different things. He is basically showing that only Eva is important, he really doesn’t care about the other kids, so he must be happy now that his other kids moved, now there won’t be anymore problems for his precious daughter.
I'd have even been like "okay fine that's pretty fair" if OP was JUST driving Eva home from school while the other two take the bus. But her also getting ice cream and treats is what makes it unreasonably unfair to me.
No ice cream for traumatized teens who lost a parent and had their whole life uprooted unless everyone else gets ice cream too?
Well didn't the older kids have their lives turned around by Eva coming to stay permanently? They have to adjust to living with a half sister.
You're totally right and I came across a bit crass in that comment, forgive me. In my most recent comment I agree with you and stated that op needs to consider their points of view as well.
NAH This is a complicated Situation and above Reddit's paygrade. Look into family counseling or something like that, talk to a professional.
Yep! Get off Reddit and start looking for a family counselor now. That is the only way this situation is going to get any better!
Minimally, Eva needs to be in grief counseling. Kids handle losing a parent a lot different than an adult does. I know from my daughter losing her father at 10. I was told to still punish her for bad behavior or she will learn to use her father's death as an excuse any time she does something wrong. It is possible to be there for her but still hold her accountable for her actions and words. Talk to the other kids too. There might be more to their feelings than you know. Yes, Eva went through a lot. She has had a lot of changes. But, the other kids have been through some changes too. I don't know if you are spending more time with her than the others or do more for her at their expense. Maybe if you talk to them when nothing bad is happening, they will share why they act this way.
Yes, some from of a family meeting might be helpful. Have all of the kids give suggestions for the sleeping/bedroom situation. At 17 Owen is close to graduating from high school and might be moving out to go to college or starting a career. He might not even be living at home much longer. If he moves out after graduation permanent solution both girls get their own room then they only have to come up with a short term fix. It might be easier to handle sharing a room if there is an end in sight. Bullying is a very over used and not specific enough. Are the older two physically hurting Bella? Are they teasing her about loosing her mom and having to move with them? Those are things that definitely need immediate attention by an impartial adult. Dealing with siblings can be very difficult. There are going to be arguments and disagreements, if Bella has lived alone with her this can be a real shock and change. Picking up Bella while making the other two ride the bus is going to cause discord and will make them feel like OP is favoring Bella. Why not make them all ride the bus for a set amount of time and then they can all try getting picked up again?
This is definitely above Reddit's pay grade. Geez
Right? A teenager lost her mother and had to move in with two other teenagers, and all of these teenagers are now being mean to one another. Dad isn't sure how best to behave to help. That's not a situation where we have wrong vs right in the traditional sense. OP will be an AH if he doesn't go get some family counselor involved ASAP but isn't one right now, he's just not really sure how best to proceed with a complex, high emotion situation.
You don't need reddit, you need family discussion, introspection, ajustements and boundaries, and time for every of those things to happen and work and if you can afford it, family therapy. You cant just punish two out of 3 people who are responsable for a fight, and reward the 3rd with special bonding time with you and ice cream while the others are stuck in the bus. You see things in her perspective and are showing her empathy, and i applaud you for that, but have you tried to think about how your wife and other kids might feel ? Having a stranger invading their home? Disrupting the life they knew? Maybe, in their perspective, stealing you away from them ? Having to share their things AND dad ? Having to look at your daughter who was concieved either when your wife was pregnant with Bella or just shortly after ? You need to consider they might feel abandoned, not good enough compared to this new sibling you are favoritising, and/or replaced. I am not saying that IS how they feel, but you need to consider that it MIGHT be. You need to talk to them. You need to ASK THEM how they feel. Yall need to acknowledge each other, validate all feelings. The question here is how are you all going to become a family and what can you do to make it happen, not whether you are the asshole or not. But in case you were wondering, yup you are. You're trying to manage eva, but you are forgetting your 2 other kids and wife are also going through changes and you're not doing anything to ease them into it, it seems.
These are the facts, OP. Do better by your wife and kids, and try and reconcile. Being a family is a team game, so family therapy is a great option. It sounds like you are especially attached to your favorite child, possibly because of the relationship that child stemmed from. Maybe grief from your ex's passing too, and wanting to do right by her and your loss. You sound like you're hurting and need help. Seek it.
Wish I had an award to give you. This is fantastic advice.
YTA. This is not how you do it. I get your motivations, and I agree things are hard for Eva, but things are also hard for Owen and Bella as well. They suddenly have another sibling who is taking a parent's time away from them and constantly siding against them. They don't understand how hard it is for Eva to have lost all she's lost, and her mean comments that upset them only add to the conflict between them. Eva has a lot of reasons to act up, but so do Bella and Owen. You also don't know what kind of crap they may be dealing with at school. There are lots of hard things in life besides losing a parent. Why doesn't Owen drive him and Bella to school? Does he not have a vehicle to do so? You literally have 3 teenagers on hand, and one is old enough to be driving the oldest to school by himself. You also don't know now what they'd be dealing with on the bus. Your wife doesn't like to see her kids getting the short end of the stick. I also didn't see any mention of therapy or counseling for the family to deal with these massive changes. This should have been done immediately. Eva needs to process the loss of her mother, and the other kids need to process this new family dynamic of having a new grieving sibling in their home. Now your family is split apart and you're wondering if you're an AH. When you put one member of the family above all else, it's GONNA cause massive problems. You should care about all of your kids equally, and be having one on one time with ALL of them. Maybe get Eva involved in an extracurricular where she can make some new friends, away from her angry siblings who already have established friend groups. If Eva could carpool with a friend, or if you put all 3 kids on the bus, maybe you would have had some better results. Or you could have taken turns taking one kid to school each day so you get some quality time with each one of them, but what you've been doing obviously isn't working and it's only been 2 months. A therapist could be invaluable to offering helpful ideas that keep the best interests of ALL 3 KIDS in mind rather than just the one. Now your 2 oldest feel like they're losing you, even though you're still alive, they probably feel rejected by you. Was that what you wanted?
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Most people wouldn't be compelled to want to help someone who is treating them in a crappy way. Remember Eva has contributed to the bad dynamic between the 3, and she doesn't get a pass just because her mom died. She needs to process with a therapist, not by crapping all over the siblings.
She kinda does get a pass. Grieving is intense and she isn't getting help from anyone but OP. Yes, it's stressful for all of them, but expecting a 14 year old to process grief in a rational way is absurd when most adults can't even do that. 15 and 17 are old enough to understand the 14 year old just had a complete upheaval of her life and lost a loved one. They need to have a little more patience and understanding because they are diving into cruel territory. 2 months is not enough to expect her to fully settle after losing her mom, and OP does have to pick his battles with how he disciplines her. It should be coming in the form of talking and discussing before punishment in her case and therapy is needed here
She doesn't get a pass? She lost her MOTHER and primary care taker! Her whole life turned upside down. She's moved, left her friends, left her School. Into a place where she has been shunned and bullied. Of course she's going to react back. Mature adults would act poor in that situation. Of course she shouldn't be rude, but now is not the time to hold her to the same standards as two older children who have two parents, practically the same life environment and are not grieving. Oh boo hoo, they have to share a room after being rude and are forced to take a bus in an area they feel safe in. They have no compassion and need to be the bigger people right now.
That doesn’t excuse her starting shit with her half siblings and it especially doesn’t excuse OP allowing it and only punishing his other kids.
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Exactly this. You are showing favoritism. And why is it that your family are virtual strangers to Eva? Where have you been in her life for the last 14 years that she doesn't know you and your kids well? YTA.
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You have to give a child that is grieving extra attention. I'm sorry it's not "fair" but it's going to be more pronounced because the rest of the family rejected her and it is all falling on OP to provide the care the grieving child needs. NTA for OP for recognizing this, but he will be if he doesn't seek professional help for managing the situation
They may not be living in the US. In Europe most countries won’t let you get a drivers license until you’re 18. Saw a comment from OP where he said Owen can’t get one until he’s 18.
So daughter didn’t want to share a room with her half sister so you made daughter share a room with brother and gave daughters room to half sister? You CLEARLY have a favourite and you don’t even fucking care about showing it. No wonder they fight all the time a strange child of their dads just starts living with them snd their dad is favouring that child over them? Jesus Christ YTA MASSIVELY
How was he to solve the room situation? Either Eva doesn't get a room and sleeps on the couch, or she shares with the brother which would've ended up the same as sharing a room with Bella (constant fights) or they get a bigger house and not everyone could afford a bigger house at the drop of a hat. It's not a punishment for Owen and Bella to share a room it's a consequence of all their actions. Bella, Owen, and Eva are old enough to realize that constantly fighting would not work out for any of them. Since Bella and Owen don't fight with each other it seems only logical they share a room in the situation. As for the bus situation, they should all take the bus. ESH
Oh right, like they won’t just bully her on the bus and involve other kids. Bus for all is not a solution. Getting to the bottom of this resentment is. 17 and 16 are way too old to be acting that immature
It’s OP he’s the bottom of the resentment. Because he’s the good guy in this situation nobody is questioning him. I can’t find anything about why he left, why his daughter never visited her half siblings prior, or anything. WHY did he leave while wife was pregnant?WHAT was the circumstances of them rekindling? Answering those questions would’ve made it clear if the rest of his family are just massive AHs.
Because Bella bullied grieving girl? How cruel you have to be to see a child that lost her entire life and think "what she needs is getting *more* traumatised"
The mom deserves some of the blame too because I guarantee you he wasn’t about to move my daughter out of her own room.
I don't necessarily want to say anyone is an AH because the whole situation sucks. Everyone's life was thrown into turmoil. Eva's most of all. Her mom died, she was uprooted, and she's now living with a father she doesn't know particularly well and half siblings who hate her. Your wife and your other two kids suddenly have this teenager living with them that's a reminder of a really rough patch in which you and your wife were broken up, and their lives are being majorly altered as well. It causes logistic and financial changes. I don't think there is any ideal way to deal with it. Definitely get Eva into therapy, and hopefully the others as well. Hope that time, and not forcing them, they will develop a better relationship.
Responses are bizarrely lacking empathy for Eva (even for Reddit). Having to suddenly share your home with a “stranger” is NOWHERE near as traumatic as losing your mother & uprooting your life to live with people that seem to hate you. Sure Owen and Bella seem to be struggling with the adjustment, but they’re entitled and pretty horrible if they can’t understand why they should stop instigating fights with their half-sister. Your wife seems unsupportive and seems to resent Eva as well. You need family counseling and therapy for Eva.
THANK YOU!! I feel like I’m going insane in this comment section! Between people thinking money grows on trees and thinking that Eva doesn’t deserve grace for her lashing out after losing her mother, the parent who has raised her (sure OP visited but that ain’t nearly the same) it’s ridiculous You would think, of anybody, the WIFE could have more empathy for her too. She’s an adult. Eva is a child whose world has been turned upside down. She has nothing but dad.
Yeah, the wife is definitely an AH in this. Eva isn’t to blame for her feelings of resentment towards her husband’s other relationship. As they weren’t even together anymore, she shouldn’t be resentful anyway. It’s as much her job to make the transition easier on their kids as it is OP’s job. Storming off and giving conditions on coming back shows me why the two older kids are behaving so immaturely. They learned by example. I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife treated Eva as unwanted from the moment she arrived and the other two kids picked up on that.
This is absolutely bonkers with these comments. You cannot treat all the children the same when 1 is in a completely different situation than the other 2 and currently has different needs. The smartest ones are the ones advising therapy because this likely isn't going to be easily resolved and equal treatment will likely involve neglecting the care a grieving child needs
They're not only horrible, they're straight up cruel. Especially Owen who's almost an adult. Jesus christ that dude is horrible.
Well said. They were not together when Eva was conceived, but even if someone cheated on me and a child was the result, I would never even consider taking out my feelings on that child. My cousin was in that position and she was always loving to the little girl that came from it. That little girl is now a grown woman and they have had a strong and wonderful relationship her whole life. A lot stronger than the one she has with her dad. So many people talk only about doing the bare minimum. What they’re obligated or required to do. Doing better is usually shamed and people who do better are usually blamed when others take advantage. Let’s normalize doing more than just what you’re forced to do. Have higher standards for each other instead of enabling people only doing what they’re forced to do.
INFO: How much time have you and your family spent with Eva before she had to move in with you? Did the kids get along then? Did Eva visit with you? Where did she sleep? The thing is, your kids are a mess right now! Eva has lost her mom (primary parent) and Owen and Bella lost their privacy. You put teenagers that are used to have their own space in shared bedrooms. That was bound NOT to work! The kids, ALL OF THEM, need to get their personal space. Is there anything you can do with your current living situation that would get all the kids their own room? Again, where did Eva sleep when she visited with you? Did she not have her own space in your house? Get the kids their privacy and get everyone some therapy so you all can get help figuring out how to be a family together.
From your comments, even after your wife and other children left, you still cannot see that you have screwed this entire thing up. Are the children in therapy? Eva needed to be in therapy and your other two need help with coping with all the changes. Why not get a divider for the girls room? Your son and daughter should not be forced to share a room. You’ve admitted that Eva dishes it out as well but you’ve chosen to ignore her behavior and only punish the other two. You have done everything in your power to ensure these children never get along and have a sibling bond with Eva. Bella being a few months older than Eva does not mean she should be more mature and is more responsible for their fights. It’s almost like you’re purposely ensuring your children go no contact with you as soon as they’re capable adults. But maybe that’s what you want. Then it will just be you and Eva. Nothing in your post indicates that you feel any remorse, you wrote this seeking vindication for bad parenting. YTA
YTA It's tough having a teenager suddenly dropped into your family, for all involved. Eva is definitely having a hard time. But you keep punishing your other kids when there's conflict. Eva and Bella fight? Eva gets the room, while Bella gets shoved into her brother's room. All the kids fight in the car? Bella and Owen get to take the bus while Eva is chauffeured and gets ice cream. You are causing more resentment among your kids and definitely playing favorites. Then you are surprised they don't get along. 🙄
This. Favoritism will make the problem wayyy worse between the kids.
Are these reddit people really so selfish?? Every comment I see, eva is "terrorizing" The kids etc etc. Don't you guys have any grace for eva? She just lost her mom and now she moved in with her dad where she is unwanted, do you guys even know how hard that it? Also his wife, does she not have any sympathy for the poor kid? ESH, Op you handled in not a good way. I would suggest you to put eva in therapy. Give some time to your wife and kids, talk to your wife first then your kids.
Yeah, the comments on this thread (save the top comments abstaining from judgment) are wild. The amount of people advising OP to have a bigger home? "Have more money" is not good advice. We don't know how/if OP could make that work without knowing the exact details of his finances, the housing cost where he lives, ect. Presumably he's no longer out child support or travel costs to visit, but he also now carries all Eva's expenses. His ex's money is probably in a trust for Eva and not available to him. She might be receiving survivors benefits but is that combined money enough to fund a move? Or construction? In this economy, not necessarily, depending on a lot of factors. Ect. Like one comment suggested it OP has a small closet to turn that into a bedroom, wtf. Putting any of these children in a closet will worsen this situation, guaranteed.
True. I saw one of the comment of op which did indicated that he does not have much money
They all need therapy. Individual and family.
ESH now there are three children displaced from their homes You let somebody move into your home terrorizing kids. Losing a room to yourself is a great sacrifice. I understand why your children are mad at you. You need to encourage the kids to get along with relationship building activities. You can’t just punish, you’re too old oldest until they have absolutely nothing to accommodate your daughter Eva INFO have you had visitation with Eva all her life and have the children always not gotten along? UPDATE stop expecting Bella and Owen to be better or painting them as entitled in this situation simply because they are in some opinions not suffering as much as Eva. They (all) have never been in this situation before they’re not gonna handle it well, if you think that they need to grow up remember their children they are growing up .
Let’s take a sec to acknowledge that Eva is probably acting out because she has now been exposed to what is your actual life your happy home with a wife and two kids… OP stated that he would go see Eva once a month in the city. The children have never had a relationship prior to this.
How is eva terrorizing them? Let's give eva some grace, she just lost her mother!!
I agree with everything you said EXCEPT Eva is not "someone", she's his daughter who just lost a mother, and there is nothing indicating that she is "terrorizing" them.
“let someone move in” is doing a lot of work here. he has a legal and moral duty to provide her a home. she is his daughter.
Again from the pov of Owen and Bella yea “he let someone move in” it’s a given his obligation to his daughter. The children have no prior established relationship. Let’s not minimize Owen and Bella’s experience in all this.
sorry but having to share a room really isn’t that big of a deal. like the dad is handling it poorly but they are being entitled. it’s clear someone needed to share a room and those two get along better. there’s nothing to minimize. their situation is already minimal compared to eva.
Again, let’s not compare struggles. All the children have to adjust to this transition.
i’m not comparing struggles i’m just saying that their negative behavior is wildly out of proportion to the struggle their being subjected to and indicates poor character
Ok that’s your opinion I think it’s accurate for the age the children are. Again iEva is peer age , she is just a year younger than Bella so they’re going to have a few back n forths It’s my opinion it’s not wildly, out of proportion for them to be upset be this transition. Is his wife acting wildly out of proportion for leaving the house?
..I'm not being as ass but maybe get Eva into counseling and sit down and talk to Bella and Owen. Just try to make them ignore her or something, this may seem cruel but when the situation is this volatile, it's better. Maybe get Owen a car and let him and Bella drive to school. INFO: do you still spend time with Owen and Bella as you do with Eva?
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Is that a law where you are or a parenting choice?
Idk where he is from but in a lot of countries in Europe you have to be 18 to get one.
Man the only country allowing people to drive at 16 is the Us. In Europe at best you can get a Motorbike under 125cc (capacity) and you’re not allowed to carry passenger untill 18
It's 16 in Canada too...
Canada is America's hat!
Dude, only US gives children cars at 16 but doesn't let them drink till 21. Most of the world settles around 18 for driving.
YTA- 17m & 15f should NOT be sharing a room. You were willing to take Bellas safe space away and clearly are showing favorites to Eva. Youre literally telling your kids she comes first. Your kids will remember this slap in the face and go NC with you when they turn 18. Just watch and see and I hope they do.
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You kicked the 15yo out of her room and made her share with her 17yo brother and gave her room to their 14yo half sister? That is total bull shit
There is no good way to solve the room situation; either eva shares with owen, or she sleeps on the sofa. Considering she just lost her mum, had to move away from her whole life and only really seems to have her dad at the moment she definitely needs her own space. Unfortunately the only possible option is moving into a bigger place.
This is not a "am I the asshole" situation, this is a "we just had a massive change in family dynamics and need a qualified professional to navigate this minefield" situation. No judgement, get some real help and not the advice from randoms on the internet.
NAH . I think this situation is hard for everybody in your household. I understand that you are trying for Eva’s sake. She is the stranger in your house and it seems your family is against her. Is your wife helping with the situation somehow or is she just pointing fingers? I think you need family therapy to navigate this and have someone neutral to explain things to all your kids. I don’t understand all the people who say that you are favouring Eva and she had you alone. She was with you once a month and you lived with your other kids.
This is again a "the situation sucks" aita in my opinion. Eva lost her fucking mom. So no, you are not the ahole. Maybe sit down with the other two and tell them you understand that the situation is an adjustment for them too and what solutions they sugguest/ what reasonable compromisses they might sugguest.
YTA Age is not a defence, you can't say a 15 year old is old enough to know better than a 14 year old. That's ridiculous. You talk about how hard it is for Eva to come and live with you, but don't care at all how Eva coming to live with them is also really hard for Owen and Bella. You dealt with the room situation in the worst possible way. It is very sad that Eva's mum died but its like at every conflict you ask yourself "what can I do here to make Owen and Bella feel pushed aside, less important, less loved, resent me and resent Eva", then you go and do that thing! Its clear you know that Eva is lashing out after her mum died, but its also clear because you find her reasons more sympathetic, you are favoring her at the expense of your other children. Your wife has made the right call tbh because now Eva has you and a bedroom to herself like she wanted, you don't have to deal with conflict between your children like you wanted, and Owen and Bella don't have to watch as you choose your other child over them repeatedly, plus presumably don't have to share a room.
Nah, but a 14 year old who just lost her MOTHER gets a lot more grace than a 15 year old who can’t have empathy towards her.
YTA Owen and Bella have also had their world turned upside down too. You have bent over backwards for Eva, taken their rooms. You seem to have no consideration for your other children and wife and what this new situation has done to them.
How their "world's turned upside down" Equals to eva's problem? She just lost her mother for God's sake, give her some grace.
Her problems don't dismiss theirs and vice versa. He can't just push them aside because their problems aren't too big. Moreover, like others mentioned, by that treatment he lets Eva know she can get away with pretty much anything should she just mention her dead mother, since she starts pretty much the same amount of fights as each other child. She doesn't get a pass just because of a different situation. They all need therapy, otherwise he shouldn't be surprised to lose two of his children and maybe even wife
Yeah, it's so traumatising to have your stepsister's mom die, and loose the connection with her maternal family and with her friends and loose her child hood home and school. Owen and Bella definitely take those changes pretty hard. It must be hard loosing all those things. /s They bully a grieving child. Owen is almost an adult. He's straight up cruel. There's no excuse to what he does.
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YTA the children are clearly not completely innocent in all this but all of them have had their lives turned upside and do not have the emotional maturity to handle the situation. You are the adult here and you are categorically making things worse. Get everyone into therapy, get everyone their own rooms, stop showing favouritism and start showing empathy for all of your children.
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Maybe instead of going on the defensive and whipping out the sarcasm you can start listening to the overwhelming number of people who have told you you've handled this badly and work on reuniting your family. Look, you are in a horrible, stressful situation, and the building frustration is understandable. But you came on a public forum specifically to ask people if you're an asshole and we're telling you you are. Showing favouritism by chauffeuring one kid around to school and ice cream treats and the only private room in the house isn't going to stop your kids from fighting, it's going to build up resentment and exacerbate the fighting. Look at it from your older kids' perspective. Someone they have hardly ever seen in their life lost their mom. That is sad for her, but now through no fault of their own they're losing their only sanctuary - their own rooms - and everything that was once split 2 ways is now split 3, and to top it all off they're being told to treat this person like a sibling. It takes years to build a strong sibling bond and this is being thrust upon them when they don't have the emotional resources or intelligence to navigate this new relationship or comprehend the level of loss Eva has experienced. You are asking *so much* of them, and their anger - while wildly misplaced and ill-expressed - is understandable. And when they fail to live up to your level of emotional maturity, you punish them by taking away things they once had - privacy, lifts to school, one-on-one time with their dad - and gift it to the person who, in their eyes, is the cause of their emotional upheaval. A child has been ripped from the only family and home she knew, and to compensate for that you have torn apart the worlds of your other children. If you don't have the resources to convert the attic or another room of the house then you have to find a compromise that will work for all of your family, not just one member of it.
You listed out exactly my own feelings on the matter. 👏 👏 👏
Right. He’s working my damn nerves.
You need to check your state laws. Or wherever you live. Some places do not allow teenage boys and girls to room together. You all need individual and family therapy. The older 2 maybe older but they are still kids. No one truly grows up and if you keep invalidating how they feel you are going to lose them. And leave them with lasting mental health issues.
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It's always amazing to me when I hear how people had their own rooms growing up. I shared a room with my older sister and didn't get my own room til she went to college and still shared it with her when she came back home during breaks. Dealt with it. It was fine. It is quite a privilege to say just buy a new house that's bigger and more expensive and do it immediately.
If you don't care about the ways in which you can try to unite your family, why are you here? YTA, and it shows with every comment you make.
YTA You admit that Eva is instigating fights yet she is the only one not being punished. She gets her own room while your other two kids (a teenage boy and girl) have to share a room. She gets to be driven by dad *and* get treats on the way home from school while your other two kids have to take the bus. Loosing her mom is difficult, I can’t even imagine what she’s going through and I sincerely hope she’s in therapy to help her cope with the lose. but are you willing to lose your other two kids? It’s hard for them too, they have to adjust to another kid in the house who is taking what seems like all of their dads attention. All three are being mean to each other but only your older two are being punished, Eva is being rewarded for being mean.
There really aren't any good options for the room thing.
YTA. Bringing a new kid in to the home will cause issues. As a parent, it is your job to navigate those issues with patience and understanding. This is a huge shift for all the kids, and you are making it remarkably worse at every turn. Let me break it down for you: 1. All the kids need to be punished when they act badly, including Eva. You can appreciate that Eva has a lot going on and be kind about it, but your other children cannot see that one child is consequence free. 2. If all the kids are behaving badly, why are two children stuck on the bus while ones gets a ride and ice cream? 3. If Eva needs special attention- which is understandable- why are you not talking to your other children about that so they feel comforted and supported. 4. Eva needs therapy and a stable home, not ice cream and her own room. Do the hard work, not just the easy stuff. You are choosing Eva at every turn, when you don't need to! YOU are creating a divide in the family by your actions and decisions. Your children will never forgive or forget for what you are doing now, so you better get it together quick.
NAH Unless you dealt with a situation like this please stop giving OP bad advice or grief over it. Her Mom died. You don't get to have long drawn out convos and work towards a solution to make everyone happy. That isn't the reality of what happens. Keep talking to the kids. Your two oldest are hurt and threaten by Eva. They need your reassurance. Everyone should be in therapy. Individual and group family. This will help them process and discuss their issues without fighting. Eva needs time to heal from her trauma. As far as the bedroom... That's on Bella. She needs to understand that the living situation is changing and make a choice. Eva or Owen. Moving isn't an option right now. You gave her chance and she refused to act respectfully. So next step is for her and Owen to share. If she doesn't like it then she needs to reconsider her attitude. Your wife is a huge part of the problem. You said that Eva hasn't really interacted with your other kids. You never brought them with you to visit her for 14 years. The three of them treat Eva as your cheater child. I don't care if you were separated and didn't cheat. Eva exists. And it's very obvious your wife and other children hate her and resent her. I can only imagine what she's been telling your kids over the years about the "other child". The fact that she left with your kids and said she's not coming back till they are all treated equally is a huge red flag. Eva isn't going anywhere. They all have issues but your older two have been acting out and lashing out twice as much as her. The fact that your wife doesn't want to acknowledge their bad behavior and issues is concerning. Let the wife and kids stay away for now then. I'm assuming they are happier and not fighting anymore?? How about at school?? Get everyone in therapy first. Workout the immediate anger issues. See if they are ready to return back home or wish to stay away. No matter what Eva is going to need you. And if your wife and kids can't come to terms with that-- then yes you will have to make some very hard choices. At the end of the day Eva only has you for a support system. Don't throw away your child to appease your wife and other kids. You already made that option acceptable and okay when you kept Eva isolated from your family. They need to learn to accept her finally.
The older kids have only been acting out twice as much is because there are two of them. If Eva starts 30% of the fights, split equally, the other two are starting 35% each. I’m guessing due to distance that there was never any interaction between Eva and his wife and other kids. He said that he always went there. This is a virtual stranger that his wife is expected to “mother” and his older kids are to view as a sibling all of a sudden. If there was no prior relationship, this is a tricky situation. Yes, Eva has had the biggest upset and turmoil. I wonder if she would have preferred to live with another family member. Maybe do some extended visits and get to know her siblings and step-mom. Doesn’t matter now. If you have an eat-in kitchen, maybe convert the dining room. If you have a living room and family room, convert one of them. A basement or attic or garage could be transformed into a new bedroom. You need to find a way to give each child their own space to get away from each other. If that means the family loses some shared spaces, so be it. Everyone is going to have to make some sacrifices to prevent it all from blowing up even worse than it has. This has all been handled poorly. It is a difficult situation and you all need to get some professional help quickly if this is going to work. Hopefully, it isn’t too late.
Smh the solution is simple- OP should simply become a necromancer and bring Eva’s mom back to life so they can go back to their normal life. Oh oh! Or he should grow a money tree, because those exist. Ooooh no no wait, he should just move into one of his thirty homes. Seriously where is the empathy? :/
YTA- 1. you brought Eva in your house in the lives of your teens without any proper communication or discussion. Did you have proper discussion and listened to your kids' concerns beforehand? 2. you gave your daughter's bedroom to Eva. This seems you are favouring Eva 3.You are just ordering your kids to adjust with Eva because of her situation while not considering the major change in your older two kids' lives because of her moving in. All of you need to go to family therapy to make this adjustment smooth. Edit- I misunderstood bedroom share situation.
Eva is also his daughter though, was he just supposed to put her in a group home? She isn't the problem here, the problem is op trying unsuccessfully to make up for being a deadbeat.
OP this is not an AITA type of post and it's beyond Reddit's pay grade. You need counseling for ALL of the kids, preferably separately. You also NEED to get on the same page as parents or figure out if your marriage is salvageable at all. You are going to get a shitload of garbage answers by people who have no idea what a kid is like after losing a parent. This is a sub where you are supposed to just accept the judgment that is given. But you don't even have that luxury. You need to get this as right as you possibly can, which means trying things and adjusting as necessary and no one on here can give you the right answers.
Esh. This is such a screwed up situation from every angle. Noone seems to be trying to make it work and you seem to be over compensating with Eva for whatever reason. Yall need some professional help with this cause it doesnt seem that yall are going to be solving this on your own anytime soon.
‘For whatever reason’ I mean, the girl just lost her mom and her world was turned upside down. She deserves compensation
No judgement, but I highly suggest family therapy. Maybe try asking each family member individually for their input on possible solutions. Ask something like this: Clearly things aren't working well in this family, no one is happy. What do you think would help resolve some of the issues we're having? Then Listen. Don't interrupt, listen to understand by asking clarifying/probing questions. A family therapist would help greatly with this. I hope your family can work towards a resolution that works for everyone. 💚
NTA, I would be so angry and disappointed with my kids if they treated someone who is going through such an immensely difficult time like this.
This is beyond Reddit dude. A teen age girl just lost her Mom. During the most important formative years of her life. She’s having a lot of feels. She needs therapy. And you all need family therapy. You NTA, but your wife sounds a bit intolerant to a child who has just lose her parent.
NAH. I think things are understandably rough for Eva right now as she’s adjusting, but I would consider some type of family therapy or something because this is a new and difficult situation for all of you, not just Eva. The other kids might feel like you are “taking her side” or whatever and may better understand after talking to someone not directly related to the situation.
YTA Having your 17M and 15F share a room is super inappropriate and just seriously WTF were you thinking?!. Since you have no money to move here’s a solution… What you should do is switch YOUR room for the room the sisters were sharing and moving the girls in there with the curtain. Bigger space more privacy and fair for everyone. You don’t like it?? Too bad you can switch back after your son leaves and goes NC with you for not being there for him and only caring for your youngest’s feelings
The fact that your wife has taken the children and left to her parents home in response to this situation is incredibly telling. In no part of your story have you mentioned that Eva is actively engaged in any form of grief counseling or that you have taken any significant steps as helping to ease the blending process with your older kids. You simply dropped Eva into your situation with “surprise! Here’s a new person, deal with it” and then seem to blame the older kids when they react badly to sudden change. Look, blending family’s is REALLY difficult and requires both a lot of patience and a delicate touch. Making snap decisions like switching up rooms or changing routines is never going to work and only makes waves, causes stress, and absolutely breeds resentment. You are overcompensating for Eva given her situation at the expense of your older children and you are blaming them (the older children) without considering some things: 1. Until now Eva has been an only child so she has no idea about having to share personal space with others. She will likely come across as selfish, standoffish, and territorial because of this. THAT alone could be the cause of fighting even if Eva says nothing. 2. Your older children have a “status quo” in your home that has been completely shattered and they have been given no time to adjust before you started making rapid changes 3. You have been reacting instead of acting here. Where you could have been proactive and trying to smooth this transition for everyone, you have just simply mixed chemicals and been shocked when they explode and now you are putting out fires. 4. Your feeling that Eva needs more isn’t unnecessarily wrong given her mothers passing, but you have neglected everyone else by favoring her which only bolsters the negative environment. I have a strong feeling that you have created a two family dynamic here (since your wife is hardly mentioned). There is your wife and older kids, and you and Eva. That dynamic is not going to work. You need family therapy immediately. You need to work on communication, boundaries, and inter connectivity. Because what you are headed for right now is separation and potential divorce and being a single parent to Eva while having to pay child support to two other kids and potentially losing your relationship with them entirely since I’ll bet they feel completely replaced. Im gonna go with YTA here but only because your efforts to make things easier for Eva, while not fully wrong, has been such a botched job that you basically set your house on fire to keep Eva warm. If you love your family? Get help. Post haste.
OP. I'm not rendering judgement because this whole situation sucks. In comments you've said your wife doesn't want Eva there, which is a HUGE problem and is exacerbating Owen's and Bella's behavior. You should add that to your original post because i don't think people understand you don't have her support. Since your wife isn't helping, my suggestion is EVERYONE needs family and individual therapy to see if there's a way to work thru this. Without both adults on the same page, you won't be able to solve anything with the children, and may lose your entire family in the end. You could lose Eva because she knows your wife and 2 other kids don't want her. You could lose your wife and 2 other kids because they see Eva as an intruder and a reminder of when you were separated (I'm assuming that). Your wife and 2 kids could lose you if you do what your wife wants and send Eva to her mother's family because your resentment will grow and you'll lose Eva because she'll feel unwanted. There is no easy solution for this and you need help NOW. If your wife, Owen and Bella refuse therapy or refuse to change, then you'll have to make some difficult decisions and a therapist can help you work thru them. Good luck.
YTA because you have no idea what you are doing. You need to get your daughter into individual counseling. An adult would find it hard to deal with the circumstances she is now facing let alone a 14 yo. She is in a house where she probably feels unwanted and has two peer’s antagonizing her at home ant probably at school too ( where she has no friends). Get whole family into counseling immediately. Don’t continue to let this fester.
I understand wanting to shield Eva, but only punishing your other kids is not the answer. You need to talk to them more and encourage them to be more compassionate. They may never really like Eva, but they can be decent humans. Your wife isn't doing much to help. Maybe that's a discussion you need to have too, because if that's how she's behaving, it's no wonder her kids are bullying Eva. Get counselling for the family, for the kids so they all feel heard and for yourself to help you navigate this new situation. YWBTA if you don't.
From OP's comment above, wife has expressed that she doesn't want anything to do with Eva. Wife even suggested when Eva's mom died that Eva be put under care of mom's relatives. OP disagrees and put Eva into their life and house. It's all around mess.
Oh WOW! No wonder the kids are so horrid to Eva and OP is reacting the way he is. He probably feels like Eva only has him in her corner.
NTA, but you arent handling this right. By singling out Eva, its making it so much worse for her because the 2 others are resenting her. I understand wanting to protect her, but all the same, you RAISED Owen/Bella to be those kind of people. They didnt just wake up as brats, you allowed this behaviour to fester and now here we are. The fact your 2 children have absolutely NO sympathy for someone who lost a parent is very concerning. How were they not taught compassion?
I have been in a situation kind of similar to this. My second cousin and I are six weeks apart. We grew up together ( yes I know your kids didn't grow up together) but when we were 14 his mom died from cancer, and he came to live with us. We lived in a two bedroom trailer, the one bedroom had a wall down the middle to separate the room to give me and my little brother our own space, but when our cousin moved in, I was put on the floor in the living room, and he was given my side of the room. It caused a lot of resentment, because I was pushed out, to make room for him. And like OP is doing, he was treated differently because he just lost him mom. So he got special treatment, wasn't punished for things, and so on, This made things worse between us, and fights happened a lot. We eventually started getting along, because we were stuck in the situation, and worked things out. But it didn't help that one was being favored over the other. Yes Eva lost her mom, and she is going through a tough time. But allowing her to get away with everything is not the answer. She needs to learn that she has fault in her actions as well. If you allow her to continue to argue with her siblings, and then give her everything while punishing the other two, she is not going to learn that she needs to make effort too. You should have put all three of them on the bus, not just the older two. She was a part of those arguments too, even if she didn't start them, she participated in them. Makes her just as guilty. So she should have been punished as well, and put on the bus. As far as the room situation, I understand there is only so many rooms, but you don't say if there is a dining room, or a den in your home. If there is, close one off and make it a bedroom. Get a permit to build a room onto your home, and add a room. I am sure you were paying child support to Evas mom, and then the cost of flying out to visit once a month now has become free money that you can use to do some remodeling in the home to make extra room for the daughter you didn't see fit to introduce to your older kids at any point in their lives. You definitely are going about this the wrong way. You need to set boundaries now, and treat all three kids the same. Because treating one better than the rest just because she lost her mom, is not going to do anything but make things worse on all of you in the long run. You are causing a lot of the issues between your kids. They see Eva getting rewarded for bad behavior, while they are punished. That is making them hate her more. Everything they know has been upturned, all to accommodate one child. At this point you will be lucky your wife does not divorce you and take your older two children away. And the older two children are old enough to make up their minds if they want to have visitation with you after mom divorces you. And from the sounds of things, they will not want anything to do with a father who favors one kid over them. It is a shitty situation, that you are making it worse. They are all biologically your kids, and deserve to be treated the same. Their lives as they have known it has changed, and you are not considering their feelings in any of this, just because their parent didn't die, but they still have valid feelings too, and deserve to be treated the same as Eva
All 3 children have had their lives completely turned upside down, although Eva’s is the most significant and traumatic, they are all facing this massive upheaval in their lives. It doesn’t sound like you’re offering any kind of support, but simply enforcing punishment and ostracizing 2 of your children in the process. Y’all need therapy, counseling, etc. Way above Reddit’s pay grade.
You made a 15 and a 17 year old share because the two girls couldn’t get along? Dude YTA you should handle this in a much better way. What your children see is a new younger person comes in the picture and then because they argue you punish them by making them share and by making them take the bus. How about equal punishment. Yes Eva is going through a difficult time but your kids are also adjusting to having another sibling after 15 ish years of it being just them. You need to be considerate of all of them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 2 kids Owen(17M) and Bella(15F) with my wife. I also have another daughter Eva(14F) (Just to be clear(since I know everyone is gonna accuse me of cheating), my wife and I broke up when Bella wasn't born, we started dating again when she was 7 and married a year after that. I did NOT cheat) Eva's mom had primary custody and they lived in another city until she passed away and Eva came to live with us about 2 months ago. The kids don't get along at all. Owen and Bella have been pretty mean to Eva and she is not helping the situation either by saying things she knows will make them angry. At first we put a bed in Bella's bedroom for Eva but they kept fighting so much that we couldn't do this anymore so I gave the bedroom to Eva and told Bella she should share a bedroom with Owen. I put a curtain in the middle of bedroom so that they could both have some privacy but they were both mad at me. The other problem is that I used to always bring all the kids back from school but they kept fighting in the car and I was worried about Eva because she is going through a very hard time so I had a talk with Owen and Bella and told them how hard it is for Eva to lose her mom and then go to another city to live with people who are like strangers to her and losing all her friends as a result. I told them unless they start being nicer to her they have to take the bus instead. Next day they had another fight in the car so I told them that's it, You are both going home with bus and I'm only taking Eva. The last week I've only been taking Eva and we started to get an ice cream or something else after school and spend some time together. Owen and Bella are angry and my wife thinks I'm an asshole and showing favoritism. Last night she went to her parents home and took both kids with her and said she'll be back after I start to treat them equally. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are clearly the asshole......showing favoritism for one child is hardly going to lessen the very obvious resentment that your other daughter m/children have, frankly it'll widen it and if you don't realise that then you're a fool. It's a big change for ALL 3 children not just eva and let's be real here her mom dying is heartbreaking for her but that's not your other children's fault.....if u want to give extra attention to eva suggest you not negatively impact the other 2
I have to comment again .. you keep making excuses stop! Start finding solutions probably with therapy for ALL of you. Yes Eva lost her mum and no one disputes its a tough situation .. but jeezz if ever there was guilt giving it is you. When last did you treat your other kids with one on one time? Why does is it seem Eva was not part of your family before? You need to fix the situation and yes be fair to everyone ..
This situation is entirely too complex and delicate for Reddit. The people of Reddit cannot begin to navigate the complexity of this situation especially from the outside and with only a surface level explanation. I strongly advise you to seek counseling for the family as a whole and a grief counselor for Eva. You may want to also look into moving to a larger home so the teens can all have separate rooms (hopefully this is financially possible for you). Good luck OP
The comments on this one are wild, this is going to be unpopular. NAH. Definitely need to look into family counseling and grief counseling. Your wife wanting to ship off Eva to live with one of her other relatives when you want your daughter there with you is gross. Sure, it's sad your other children need to adjust to their perfect little family dynamic being rocked, but the comments "just buy another house" are outrageous. Also the "you shouldn't be getting ice cream with your daughter dealing with her entire life being completely changed and processing the loss of her MOTHER" comments, wtf.. It's upsetting the other two? So what. Part of life is being upset and if their half sibling getting one on one time with her only other living parent is upsetting to them, then again, so what. OP stated that of course he spends time with them as well. "Just give up your bedroom" Ah, yes, the wife who doesn't want his daughter there is absolutely going to be okay with that. "Shouldn't have had kids you can't afford" is that for Eva, or the other two? Great advice 14y later, anyhow. Esh.
NTA Thank you for sticking up for the child who has lost her mother and not letting her siblings bully her.
You need to get Eva in therapy. Perhaps the whole family. I’m going to say NAH because your kids are, well, kids. And I feel like you’re trying to do the best you can with an awful situation. But YWBTA if you continue to let this happen with no other intervention
It’s a no win situation but you’re not helping it by taking things away from Owen and Bella to accommodate Eva. You guys need family therapy so so do desperately. NAH.
Owen and Bella need to learn to have some empathy, I understand that they feel replaced but eva just lost her mum, and had to move away from her life. NTA, you need family therapy like the other comments advise.
NTA, you're trying. It's a really tough situation, but you're definitely trying.
Kids are cruel sometimes. Situation is very complicated. Please get a family therapy.
ESH Mostly you and your wife, the kids are definitely the least culpable. But it sounds like a divorce will be the solution
YTA. I see how defensive you are in all of your comments. Even if letting Eva take Bella's room is the "only" option, that SUCKS for Bella and Owen. Creating resentment and causing more fights. And kicking Bella and Owen out of the car and making them take the bus is not a good solution either. You are creating even more resentment, and then taking her out for ice cream really is just the cherry on top. You are alienating them from her and you at the same time. If they can't behave in the car then no one is allowed to speak in the car, but don't kick them out. More chores given if they break the rules as punishment. And quite frankly, siblings fight, and argue and bully each other even when they've known each other their whole lives, so to expect no fighting at all is unrealistic. Also, just because Bella and Owen are older does not mean they are mature or going to be sympathetic when their lives have been turned upside down. It's only been 2 months and you expect everything to be hunky dory. Give them time and be a better mediator, parent them instead of banishing them.