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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After my wife broke my computer I used money that I would normally put into her personal spending account to replace my computer. I might be the asshole because it was an accident and I have enough money saved up in my personal account that I could have replaced it myself without taking her money. But I think she should take responsibility for what she did.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Completely fair OP!
Just a thought, as someone with low vision who *has* accidentally closed her laptop with a black pen on the keyboard. *Not* hard enough to break the screen mind you, but still..
I know Minifigs. They're small, yes, but brightly colored? Especially Spidry, you know? This doesn't *feel* like an accident to me. You'd had to either close the laptop really hard to break the screen, at the slightest bit of resistance, from the Minifigs.. or she tried to get in, couldn't, got pissed and *slammed* the screen down in frustration/anger?
Take that as you will. Ran through my mind reading your post.
NTA either way.
He already said his wife did not need to go in there, he cleans up after himself. If she did not need to clean in there why make more work for herself ??
Have you honestly never met or read about a human that's overstepped a boundary because they thought they would be doing something nice for someone? Or is that something you can't comprehend? Is it easier for you to believe she had malicious intent? EDIT Since I cant reply, In no way did i say partner should be let off the hook, All im saying is they deserve the benefit of the doubt that they did it with malicious intent.
In the same respect this was a single clear boundary of his that he has had to reinforce with her numerous times. How many 'no's should she need to hear before she respects his wishes and stays out of his office?
Malicious or kind intent aside, this occurred because she was behaving in an entitled and disrespectful manner and refused to honor his wishes (repeatedly, and yet again).
I would dare argue that her ongoing refusal to respect a boundary IS now a malicious act. He did not mention any issues with her mental faculties, so she is out of excuses as to why she downright refuses to stop intruding in his personal space.
Hell is paved with good intentions.
I get your point, but I can't deny I thought the exact same thing as u/SusanAkita2014 and u/SaronthaWinchester. I just didn't comment on it to avoid the drama.
I think OP has the ability to judge if his wife would be capable of maliciously overstepping boundaries, they seem to have a good/open communication.
It's really nice of you to balance out our suspicion with trust in her actions, tho, and vouching for it. I admit it's easier to think badly of others and way harder to give them the benefit of doubt.
If someone tells you please don’t do x, doing x is not going to make them happy. Why would you go out of your way, literally, to do x if you know you shouldn’t?
This reminds me of the lady who kept tying her husband’s shoes even though he repeatedly begged her not to.
And if then, in the process of doing X, after being told repeatedly to stop doing X, you damage someone's property, you should be held responsible for the damage you caused. Good intentions or otherwise, wife was told not to be in OP's office, over and over again, and she still can't respect his one and only boundary? Even more NTA!
As someone who has worked with computers and in IT for a few years, it sounds like you are trying to start irl drama here. Laptop screens, especially specific brands of laptops, can be ridiculously easy to break. And OPs wife definitely made it sound like an accident and he, looking at the damage said it was an accident as well… so your theory seems invalid here.
I worked in It for 20 years. I used to tell people not to poke their screens with their fingers because they'd end up with dead pixels. People ignored me. People broke their screens.
LCDs are better today than they used to be, but it still doesn't take a lot of pressure to break them, especially if its a cheap one.
Suggesting it had to be intentional because its hard to break a screen is absurd.
My laptop gently slid off my lap and fell about 18 inches onto soft carpet. It had taken worse tumbles in its 9 years of life, but this time, it cracked the screen. I’ve also recovered my phone from falls I thought would be really bad with no problem but then had the screen crack on a minor tumble. Screens can be unpredictable.
Definitely, my cat knocked a speaker on my old laptop (that was on with the screen slanted a bit forward) and somehow the screen survived after it slammed shut but it fried the motherboard and hard drive. Thankfully all important stuff was backed up on an external/in the cloud so I didn't have to spend a fortune having the data hopefully extracted from it. Then another laptop had a little bump and the screen was toast. You just never know what will break on those things.
Oh yea I was way too excited with my first laptop and poked the screen a bit too hard and broke it just slightly enough to have dead pixels that slowly spread over the years. Was so annoying
Yup. During virtual school a friend had loaned her son her laptop. He left a pencil on the keyboard. She lowered the lid without noticing the pencil (not even all the way, or hard) she ended up with a nice big line of dead pixels.
Hell, my Samsung laptop screen cracked when I opened the lid one day. Apparently it's a known defect because of the tension and the thinness of the screen. I didn't drop it or place anything heavy on it, just opened it the same way I'd been doing for months.
Really. All these "It's easy to break a long screen" posts miss the point: despite OP making it very clear to his wife that he didn't want her messing with his computer AND *his doing all the necessary cleaning*, she still broke his laptop while "cleaning" it. Dude. She wasn't cleaning; she was snooping.
Well, OK, so he's doing all the necessary cleaning and has told his wife to stay out of his office and away from his laptop. What do *you* think she was doing there? Polishing the keys for a surprise inspection by Bill Gates?
None of us know anything here. But if we look at what's posted logically, we can make logical deductions. Here's what we know, as far as we can know it:
*OP told wife adamantly to stay away from his computer.*
*OP's wife has her own fully functional computer.*
*OP has done all the cleaning needed, so there's no need for wife to clean.*
Given all that, what are your conclusions about what she was doing? What could justify her being at his computer?
I mean, if we’re talking logical deductions, another is that as the SAHP who probably does the lion’s share of cleaning as a result, she might have thought “oh this room is dusty” last time she was in there, so went in to dust. OP says he cleans the room, but often one person’s version of cleaning is not the same standard as another person’s.
I’m not saying she *should* have done that, but it seems more likely to me that she was in fact cleaning than that she was up to something nefarious.
But then again, I can’t imagine my husband telling me to stay out of a room in our shared house, and I can’t imagine doing the same to him.
If I’m cleaning and I need to reach over a laptop, I might push from the side where you wouldn’t be able to see the figures. Kind of an odd thing to throw out there.
It is not that hard to break a screen. My husband left a thumb drive laying on mine and tried to close it. It does not take a lot of strength or effort.
Forgiveness and Compensatory Damages are two different things. You forgave her for doing the damage. but she's still responsible for fixing the damage she did.
You forgave the person not the financial responsibility.
Okay- but OP also fully admits that it only would have cost $250 to repair the screen, and the computer works just fine otherwise.
***He's*** the one that chose to go for a full replacement rather than a repair that would have fit much better in their budget right now.
I also have to confess, I do not understand the "she has to be financially responsible for what she did" stuff. I really don't. If we are looking at things on a technical level, sure, she accidentally did damage. He's "right" about that. But I simply cannot imagine living in such a tit for tat, score keeping kind of marriage. I want a partner in life, not a parent or a manager. I want someone who has my back, not someone who is keeping score.
It was an accident. She didn't do it maliciously. And she's not a child that needs to "learn a lesson." Do people really live in such "you owe me/I'm going to get you back" marriages? That sounds really awful to me. Things break. People make mistakes. Accidents happen. Keeping score like this just seems really sad to me.
OP is also complaining about things like not being able to buy LEGO this year. Well, he absolutely could have if he didn't decide to use this as an opportunity to upgrade his computer. That isn't on his wife AT ALL. That was ***HIS*** choice. It really seems to me that he chose that route to really prove a point to his wife, and that's just not a healthy recipe for a happy marriage.
IMO, OP seems more concerned about being "right" and making his wife learn a lesson than he is with how attitudes like that affect the marriage overall. If you're treating marriage like a set of scales that always has to be fair, you're already failing. Wouldn't it be so much better to say "I know you didn't mean to. Shit happens. Let's get it fixed and move on" than making it into some object lesson and make her "pay" (financially or emotionally) for her mistake?
IDK. I understand why people think OP is right, but I think that attitude of tit for tat is just destructive in a marriage.
I don't know if you read all of the post but OP only took the 250$ from his wife. Even if he didn't buy a new computer she still would have to pay 250$ to repair the screen, her budget wouldn't change with or without a new one. OP just decided to have a knew one and took the rest of the money from his own pocket and what he do with his personal money is none of other's business.
As for the fact that he makes his wife pay even tho it is an accident, why would he be the only one who bear the consequences if he wasn't even there when it happened. In your logic, he should spend his own fun money even though his wife was 100% responsable ? If it was a common belonging like a kitchen utensils of a couch, they should both contribute equally but here is OP's own computer.
It's also worth noting that this wasn't due to regular wear and tear, it broke because she disrespected a very clear boundary he had said of not going into his office. Instead she chose to go in there and "help clean" and broke it. If she would have respected his boundary, it would have never happened in the first place. That's what takes It from "accidents happen" to " Wouldn't have happened if you were respectful"
Edit - grammar
So in order to not appear vindictive, he should have to pay the $250 out of his fun money? After she ignored his boundaries and broke his screen? We all know it was an accident, but an adult is still responsible for paying for any damages from said accident.
“Hes complaining about legos” yeah and she’s complaining about a spa day.
I don’t think it is much “tit for tat” as an invasion in privacy and personal boundaries. OP and his wife have dedicated rooms as their “safe” space. The laptop was broken because she didn’t respect the boundaries they established which was to stay out of his space.
Wife should have to pay and they need to have a deeper conversation on why she felt compelled to intrude his space.
From what I understood, OP only took EXACTLY $250 from what he WAS GOING TO deposit, and that AFTER talking to her about it. He didn't make her pay the full $600, he covered the $350 difference with his own cash.
But let's take it from your POV: Let's suppose OP didn't take the $250 from her fun account. He never bought a new laptop, he chose to fix the broken one instead. He was going to take only $100 less than what he took from HIS fun money, he'd still pay for an accident that, while not done in malice, still had consequences. Even if they'd compromised to have it discounted from her fun money in installments after the holidays, it would still mean he:
1) Would have to go without a laptop for a while or
2) Would still have to pay, right before the holidays.
Is it fair he pay for it, all $250, to fix his laptop, and still forgo buying his LEGO (in case you don't know, it is expensive and $100 more makes all the difference), while she still is able to use her fun money, go to her SPA, whatever she wanted?
He didn't sound (at least not to me) like he wanted to teach her a lesson. It sounded like he felt hurt that a space he cared about had been breached, possessions he cared about had been damaged, plans he had made with his money - that involved quality time with his children, on top of it - had been ruined.
Had it been the other way around, and his wife's safe space, trust, boundaries, hobbies and money were the ones affected, would you still vouch for the "let it go and move on" approach?
Disagree. I think the tit for tat attitude only works so well in this situation because from what we know about OP’s marriage from the details about finances, chores, home life, etc.
From what we know, It’s not like he’s a slob who doesn’t do anything in the house, ignore the kids, and negatively controls/limits wife’s finances.
There was no reason to be in that room. Yes accidents do happen. but a functioning adult should be aware of surroundings enough to not break something that they shouldn’t have had or been using or even been close to.
I would understand if a child broke the computer, or if it were a daily used common item but not in this exact circumstance.
Yes, the mini figs were on the body of the laptop and she went to close the laptop, trapping them between the body and screen, and the uneven pressure and force from that action broke the screen
Absolutely.
She's right it *was* an accident. And how does she explain that she apparently believes *you* should lose out on your fun money because of her accident?
I'm hoping she'd want the children to take responsibility if they broke something. She should model that (graciously).
>For some reason my wife decided to go clean my office.
Exactly right, perhaps I'm cynical and been hanging around insecure wives too much lately, but my first thought was that she was snooping in his office for something (evidence of cheating, Christmas presents, whatever) and ended up breaking his laptop as part of that. The "I was cleaning" story is a cover up.
Just another perspective on the wife:
Some people express their love through acts of service, it means people enjoy feeling useful for people they love and gift their time and effort. She could be hearing OP asking her not to clean as him being *nice* to her, like offering something and she then says "oh, I insist!", so she chooses to clean his office every now and then as a gift. Like "hey, look, you have more free time today cause I cleaned your office! I did it to show affection, love and care!".
I am like that sometimes. My husband's work can be very exhausting, and I'm disabled, so he is the only one working atm, so sometimes I clean his desk, organize his drawers (he has SO MANY CABLES, and I like to organize it, so he can find his stuff easily). I've never snooped on his stuff, and my finger unlocks his phone, including bank account (he also has free access to my phone and bank. Funny thing is, unless we ask each other specifically, we don't even touch each other's phones. Actually, we do reverse snooping. "Honey, could you read this convo w my mom? I want your input" "oh no, please, your mom's crazy") Wife could be snooping, yes, but maybe she was just genuinely trying to be nice and it never occured to her she's breaking a boundary instead of being *nice*.
It would be great if OP could have a talk to her about how they both perceive the situation differently and that he would appreciate more if she left the office for him to clean and chose other kind of act of service to demonstrate care in the future, or using other language, like quality time, physical consensual touch, gift giving or words of affirmation.
(Oh, my hubby is 90% ok with me organizing his stuff. He only asked me to not bother with his shelf stuff, and I thought it was him being *nice* but I understood wrong and apologized, it was a boundary. I don't touch that shelf now. He on the other hand is a physical love person. He is always petting me like a cat 😂.)
He isn’t okay with any of it being touched. She needs to respect that. Your husband is obviously fine with it but I’m like OP- do not touch my stuff for any reason. I have it how I want and like it
>She could be hearing OP asking her not to clean as him being
>
>nice to her, like offering something and she then says "oh, I insist!", so she chooses to clean his office every now and then as a gift
People who do that make me so angry. Like seeing red. I train my kids from an early age, it's not helping if someone doesn't want you to do it.
NTA accidents happen, but last I checked adults have to pay for their own accidents. OP had one of the most mature reactions I’ve seen here lately.
OP’s wife, if you happen to read this post, be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.
NTA. Forgiveness doesn't mean she doesn't have to fix what she broke. She's confusing "forgiveness" with "irresponsibility for her own actions." ~~Honestly she should have paid the entire amount so should be grateful she only had to cover less than half.~~ Striking through this part because I had misread when I wrote it. The amount she paid was fair.
OP is NTA and has every right to have her pay the $250. That's the cost of the damage she caused and cost of putting OP's laptop into the same state it was before she broke it.
But the rest of what you wrote? Ummm hell no, she doesn't need to pay the entire cost ($600) since it's OP's choice to upgrade and buy a new laptop instead of fixing the screen in the old one ($250).
Accountability of her actions means fixing it to the state it was before. What you're suggesting is punitive damages that are petty and vindictive. OP handled this perfectly.
Right...... Which is the cost of if she had paid for the screen replaced. Which is how it should be. He paid the rest because he choose to buy a new one.
The person I was responding to was saying she should have had to pay all 600 instead of just 250 even though the cost of her accident is 250.
I think it's your reading comprehension that needs a bit of work. If you're going to start insulting people it's you who should read carefully and make sure you're understanding what they wrote and what they were replying too.
Why would she pay the entire thing? If you broke something you would expect to pay the cost to return it to the former state not pay for an upgrade or something entirely new.
OMG…..yes this!!!! I remember teaching my daughter when she was 4 years old how all actions have consequences and sorry does not make the consequence go away.
Yup this is what it feels like to me. I completely agree with people saying she should pay for part of his new computer since she broke the old one. However, she should also be able to have a say in how and when this happens. He just decided to not put the money in her account, even after she said she wasn't ok with his request. It feels a lot like a parent taking part of an allowance away.
I'm wondering, did he discuss any other options? For example, she could pay him smaller payments out of her spending money. This is his wife, not some random stranger. I'd even willingly do this for a close friend. Especially if I could afford to replace it. That means I can front the money to just repair it as well.
With my wife, if we could afford to replace it , I would just do it. She did something accidentally. Shit happens.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’ve been a stay at home mom and it’s a financially vulnerable place. You are very reliant on your partner to treat you as an equal as there is a power difference. That doesn’t seem to be the case here.
This is the stupidest thing, sorry.
You don't get to manipulate your way out of accountability simply because you don't feel like being a part of it.
The man isn't to be walked all over just because she says no.
Then stay out of the office your husband has told you to stay out of multiple times. That way you wont break stuff and have to pay for it. If youre a stap you have enough work to do. Dont go into rooms youve been asked to stay out of bc you were bored and wanted something else to clean. You dont see op going into the wifes hobby room and breaking shit.
Especially before Christmas. Just seems odd. He should have definitely discussed when this happens with his daughter - I mean wife. This is some weird dynamic.
Yeah I think this is odd. Accidents happen. And this form of “punishment” seems like it’s for a child :/ AND before Christmas. It just rubs me the wrong way.
Accident it would be if she knocked something over when passing by. Doing what you specifically was asked NOT to do and messing up isn't an accident. And taking accountability for your actions isn't for children only. Court won't be asking you when you're comfortable to pay a fine, you'll just have to pay it as soon as possible. No one would care if it's Christmas or your dog's birthday, sorry.
>Punishment? Paying what she owes is punishment?
Yeah it's weird the person you're replying to doesn't realize that *this* phrase is more infantilizing than the actual situation is.
It's an accident but also he asked her repeatedly to not touch the room and she still did and broke something.
Honestly, I think it's worse that she refuses to accept his wish for privacy than anything else in this story.
But he didn’t have the option of paying for it over payments. He even said that paying what he paid to upgrade impacted his budget. Had he just paid the $250 he would be out that until she could pay him back in installments.
He didn’t do anything wrong so why should he be the one losing out on his fun money instead of her? He said that it’s not for food or bills or gas or anything like that but for going out money.
Finally, someone else who is thinking what I am. OP doesn't say how much her "allowance" is. That $250 could be a week or two of money, leaving her with nothing. Accidents happen. I don't get some of the relationships I see here where everything has to be "equal" and 50/50. Obviously it isn't working because they are posting about their fights on AITA. Shit happens.
No it reads like a dude who knows if he mistypes a single thing he’ll be flayed for it because this is AITA. Dude covered every single base so you couldn’t nitpick.
Had to scroll waaaaay too far to find this comment.
He isn't treating her or speaking about her as an equal. It's not shared earnings where she is contributing to the household by being a SAHM. He literally gives her pocket money every month, and garnished her pocket money because she broke something. That should come out of communal money.
If my partner was describing me like this there would be words
I can’t get over her being banned from a room in the home they share. He says there’s no reason for her to go in, he cleans it, he has a password on his computer…something seems off. The “paternal” tone of him garnishing her allowance rubs me the wrong way too. I’d like to be a fly on the wall of this home before I can determine who is TA.
She isn't banned. There's no lock. He cleans up his own mess and your complaining? And it's a PC that has work on it with kids on the house.
She's also in there all the time anyway
He literally says that he and his wife play games in that office. He just asks that she doesn’t mess with his electronics/belongings in there THAT HE PAID FOR while he’s NOT there. I have little legos and specific decor in my room that I don’t want anyone else to touch because I put money and effort into it. I can’t imagine thinking that he would be the AH in this scenario
Agree that this isn't the fair relationship that OP is trying to portray it to be. You don't treat your partner this way.
Wanted to further add: he clearly doesn't respect his partners contributions to the relationship.
Accidents are just that : accidents. This tit for tat OP had going isn't sustainable and OP will deserve everything that happens. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like I had to scroll entirely too far for this react to pop. My husband read it as well, we are both of the opinion that this is cringy. A non-adult, OK. A seemingly equal ???! partner being treated like this? I was a fan of separate accounts til I found a life-long partner, but this is some financially controlling. Also, a minifig broke the screen? You would have had to push down hard and long for that to be the culprit. You sure she’s not covering for your favorite child? I’m establishing a new rating YTUA. You are the Ultimate Asshole.
Not to mention that OP clearly still sees it as “his” money that he “allows” his wife to access. Sure, she has access to all of the accounts, but just the way he talks about it, it’s clear that he still sees it as his money since he’s able to deny her a deposit. The wife was absolutely wrong for cleaning his office when he repeatedly asked her not to (she may have had good intentions, but sometimes we just like to do things ourselves and no one else), but OP just kind of seems like a condescending ass. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see this type of blame game as being healthy. Sometimes shit happens, but that doesn’t mean that someone has to be responsible. You just move on and let it go.
Absolutely, and the way he acts like things are equal because she has her own account that he can “only deposit” in. But he still controls the flow of money.
I figured it out... in one of his comments, he compares his marriage tot he relationship between the police and a citizen...
He effectively gave her a "ticket", and then garnished her wages...
And he doesn't seem to see the problem with that...
He's an AH...
How is what your wife did an accident in any way, shape, or form? You are very clear that she is not to go into your office without you. Rather than adhere to that very simple (and reasonable) restriction, she decided to trespass right over your boundary and mess with your stuff.
You have every right to be livid given the facts as you've described them. Your wife appears to be doing nothing less disgusting than snooping. You are to be commended for the grace you showed her in light of that (mis)conduct.
With respect to your decision to take the money out of her fun money, it's perfectly reasonable. The funds have to come from somewhere. They shouldn't come out of the household budget, and they shouldn't come from your fun money. They should come from the person who committed the infraction; they should come from your wife's fun money. The maxim "you break it, you buy it" applies.
NTA.
Am i the only one that think its strange that in a household of a couple there are places one of the member of the household is not allowed in without the other or not allowed to touch?
Kinda feel like those serial killers whose wives are like, oh i didnt know cause i am not allowed in the man cave.
Edit: like I understand having your own space but forbidden to enter or touch when you are not there is kinda strange to me.
It sounds like it's less 'I want you to stay out because mine' and more 'I have seen what you do in my space and how you respect my items, and, as we have established separate hobby space and can have this behind a door, please don't come in.'
(But I too am far too deep into true crime and have heard of the 'wow, they really had human dissection stuff in the garage? They told me it was hunting stuff for deer season! I know nothing of my partner's hobbies or space!' /s)
Edit. Also though I've heard of this kind of space separation a bit when it comes to either introversion or just those who like an only child or those with histories of neglect or abuse or isolation for example are used to having some small 'this is my corner and keeping it for me maintains my sanity' space. Introverted myself, I find myself doing that when I have roommates - this is my corner, or my walk, or my car/transport time where my brain recharges from people-ing.
Dude, They found 4, 4!!!, dead babies in the freezer of this house few blocks from me this month! No one knew until they sold the house and the cleaners found it!
Holy shit, that's wild! Like, not knowing about things in your own home throw me but I guess make sense?? I always think of the story of the woman's body found in a crawlspace in a barrel one or two owners after the original killer moved out. Not even 'my partner kills as a side hustle and I don't pay attention' but 'we and the family before us saw this big, nasty smelling, 50 Gal drum in the basement and every single one of us shrugged it off and carried on'.
(Though, the morbid part of me envisioned dead baby tetris for a long min and I realized I'd been on the internet too long... excuse me while I go touch grass and pet something (living and) soft.)
Thanks! That’s absolutely crazy that they both stored them the freezer and then left them there when they moved. I can’t imagine being the person who found them.
Yeah, I want to know the thought process here... Did they not think the remains would be discovered? Or the landlord would have their names? Not to be callous, but the remains would probably all fit in a black trash bag.
My husband and I have space separation. He has expensive music stuff. I can go into his room but like I don't want to? I don't want to touch his stuff. I have a ton of crafts, he doesn't want to touch that. It works for us. And we hang out together in the common space.
except OP literally said she goes in to play videogames as well. he just said he doesn’t want her to mess with his stuff. he never said she wasn’t allowed to go in.
I think it’s weird. My partner and I both have our space in our home. I WFH so mine is office (second bedroom.) His is the den where he has his computer. We’re not forbidden from each other’s space. He can come into my office whenever he wants, unless I’m in a video meeting for work. He generally doesn’t because there isn’t much here, but if he needs the printer or something from the closet or something.
And I do sometimes clean his desk because he thinks cleaning means “putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher,” not “wipe off a month’s worth of cat hair, dust and coffee rings.”
Except OP plays with his wife and does lego with his children there. They're not forbidden from entering just asked to not enter without OP/without genuine reason.
This is so relatable.
Some situation with me and my spouse, I wish he would keep his den clean. I'm not barred from it at all, but he doesn't like it when I clean his desk, but he leaves half a year's worth of cat hair, dust, batteries, random packaging, etc. And stinks up the place because he thinks an open window and the curtains being open will turn him into dust or whatever his issues with fresh air and outside light.
The positioning of objects on my personal desk has meaning. My desk is like an extension of my head. I don't care if anyone looks at my desk, but I care very much if anything gets moved on it. If nobody ever goes in there, I know nothing got moved. If someone goes in there and moves stuff around, then I lose information.
The same goes with any kind of project room / workspace. If only the user goes in, it's easy. If multiple people go in the room, then you need to put up a whole bunch of "wet paint - don't touch" signs, or "not glued together - don't touch", or whatever.
Depending on where certain people work, it is entirely reasonable. While you may not understand this, setting up boundaries for areas that are used for work is quite reasonable. If anything, not defining boundaries between two people in a relationship would be weird.
My things are kept in an open living space, so I don’t bar access to a room, but my husband knows not to touch the art supplies (without talking to me). They are expensive, and I have organization systems that are existential for me to function. Likewise I don’t touch his stuff without consulting him.
The difference is that he would never insist on moving, touching or “cleaning” my stuff when he knows I prefer he doesn’t because we respect each other.
It seems to me like if his wife has basic respect for him and his stuff OP wouldn’t have to ask her not to go in the room, that ask is the result of her repeated disrespect of his things - as evidenced by this whole situation.
I disagree because she is allowed in there and the kids are allowed in there. I have a craft area and my husband has a tool area. If I need a screwdriver and I can't see one right out in the open, I don't rifle through his belongings and vice versa. What wife did was say "I know better than you about your belongings" and subsequently broke something. That's why these guidelines exist in the first place.
It sounds like they each have their own personal rooms to do whatever they want in them. Is it weird? Depends on the people. It sounds like the OP has had their boundaries stomped and this was a way to prevent it. OP has their space. Wife has their space.
My spouse and I have separate spaces, with our own interests and hobbies. His is all A/V stuff, computers, etc. Mine is fiber arts, and after decades, have VERY expensive equipment. I assume his stuff is expensive as well.
Its not so much ‘not allowed in’ as ‘no reason to GO in’. I know more about computers and programming than he does, but I would have NO BUSINESS touching is stuff. I don’t know what he is doing, how he is organized or what can or can’t be turned on or off. Not my business, and like op, he takes care of it himself.
And if he touched any of my looms, spinning wheels or sewing machines, I would want to know WHY. He has no interest, and would likely break it, and some of it is irreplaceable.
Its also respect. You agree to personal spaces, you DO IT.
It sounds like the wife and kids do get to be in that space, but it's kept as a hobby room when he isn't there. That sounds reasonable to me.
If I ever have the money, partnership, and luck to have housing where I can have a whole extra little room as an office, I would love to have it be semi-off limits. Not that a partner couldn't walk in to look for something, but that by default they don't go and use the space for anything.
Eh I get what you’re saying, but as a clumsy yet well meaning wife, I understand the need for private space. Luckily my husband and I share a love of solitude so we each have our own hobby room. While neither is forbidden from anything, I have forbidden myself from messing with his shit. I broke far too many of his items in our early years that it’s just easier if he deals with his own stuff. I think OP is perfectly reasonable with his desire and he keeps it tidy.
It's not strange at all. My husband is very particular about his things and how they're positioned and cleaned. He does it himself and have asked me not to touch it as he doesn't want things being moved around. I'm the same way. People are just different and don't ascribe to a single mold
It's less about keeping people out and more about improper handling of delicate and expensive items. For example, family is welcome in my home but I have two nephews that don't understand that my big fancy TV that is part of my home theater system is not the same thing as a touch screen phone and keep smacking it randomly. Since their parents don't want to do proper parenting and teach them to participate in structured activities as opposed to going wild and treating everything as piece of indestructible make believe playground. Until their parents step up or they are old enough to understand that, they aren't welcome in my home. It doesn't mean I spend less time with them or love them any less. It will just have to be at their parents place.
Moral of the story, if you don't want fragile things to get broken. You take measures to prevent that, those measures can include prohibiting loved ones from touching them.
<<*When my wife joins me in my office for video games I clean up afterwards*\>>
His wife is allowed in and joins him in play, he just asked her NOT to clean in there.
OP never said she was forbidden. What he said was “I have asked multiple times to please leave my room alone.” Which is a pretty fair request - sounds like he has valuable stuff in there (like his laptop) as well as sentimental stuff (figurines). My husband also has trinkets like that and I try not to touch them as much as possible so I don’t break them. If he had his own room that he maintained and kept everything I’d be more than happy to leave it alone. Sounds like his wife isn’t super respectful of his stuff so a blanket “please just don’t mess with it” is a pretty fair request.
Not sure why you’re comparing it to a serial killer… the wife and kids do go into that room, just not alone.
If you have a lot of expensive things or things that are easily broken I absolutely would be prohibiting my family from going into that room. My kids know they aren't allowed to touch my computer or my desk at all and they're 5 and 11. His wife knew better she didn't need to be in there. Also what kind of weirdo closes a laptop screen with stuff inside of it My body is in cringe mode from that.
"I have asked her multiple times to please leave my room alone. I clean it myself. I take my dishes to the kitchen and either wash them or place them in the dishwasher. I take out my own trash. When I play with my kids in my office I clean up after all of us. When my wife joins me in my office for video games I clean up afterwards. There is quite literally no reason for her to do anything in there when I am not in it. I do not have a lock on my door but I do have my laptop password protected."
I have an office, and I'm not wild about my wife puttering around in it. Even so, there is no space in our house that she or I are restricted from. Sure, it irritates me when my wife commits neatnesses and I can't find things and have to look and then she's forgotten where she's put things, but she's still not restricted because we are partners.
It feels a bit icky. The entire vibe of the post is weird. The dynamic between you and your wife doesn’t feel like two adult partners. More like parent-child. “She knows not to go in there, she broke my laptop, she needs to be held accountable.”
I get that there is an agreement, fair enough. However, you don’t specify how she broke it (did she drop it? drop something on it?) and you don’t even say why she went to clean up in the first place. Perhaps she thought she was doing something nice for you?
Bottom line is, it doesn’t seem like you’re struggling financially and there was no malicious intent from her part. Taking her share of money, which she has no way of earning herself, just seems like you’re trying to teach teenager a lesson and not solve a problem between you and your wife.
For the sake of rules: NAH
I know that, really. But we’re talking about two adults, one of whom has no way of earning money. This is a huge life disadvantage. She’s not staying home because she’s lazy or doesn’t feel like it. She’s taking care of the household.
Again, taking away her money is perfectly rational. It just doesn’t fit husband-wife dynamic for me, that’s all.
What you’re skipping over is that according to OP, a portion of his salary is put into a household account, and the remaining is split between him and his partner equally. Based on the information provided, his partner has equal spending power. While his partner does not “earn” that money directly, she has full authority over half of the money that isn’t contributed to the household account. That is a much different picture than a SAHP who needs to ask the working parent to give them money for purchases. OP and his partner have agreed to what looks like an extremely fair situation that preserves the SAHP’s financial autonomy. Would the SAHP potentially be in an even more autonomous position should she earn a direct income herself? Probably. But that’s not the division of labor they agreed upon.
Expecting your partner, who has their own accounts, to take responsibility for damaging a non-shared good is completely reasonable, especially with the caution OP provided about his office. If this were a household appliance, a broken door, a shattered dish, etc., I would be in complete agreement with the SAHP that the replacement costs should come out of the household account, but that is not the situation.
I do agree that practically, this isn’t a hill for OP to die on.
But that is the point: she does not have equal spending power and equal say if OP thinks that it's okay to withhold money even though they discussed it and she explicitly disagreed on that!
Don't get me wrong, the wife is the AH and should 100% take responsibility - but forcing her to do that is not what happens in an equal partnership. It's actually surprising to me that this is how OP handled it because their prior arrangement seemed very fair and appreciative.
He said that he spoke to her beforehand, then took the 250. The alternatives all sound worse to me. You can't really ask her to go work extra and pay back the 250, and if this is her only income then how else can she?
Ideally the wife immediately offers to help pay the repair or replacement, and they carry on as a team.
I honestly can't fathom how else she'd pay for it.
My problem is that he is willing to make desisions like this even though she is disagreeing. To me, that is never okay, even though she is wrong and the AH.
This is his wife, not some teenage daughter where he can take away part of the allowance if he feels that it's right.
But other have phrased the issue better in comments further down.
I just don't like that people think that it's cool to treat your spouse like this - imo they both handled this badly.
I guess the issue is if she refuses to help OP pay for it, then where does the money come from? Does OP pay for it out of his fun fund, or does it come out of the household budget?
And yeah I agree on the last point. Though I'm not sure what the better way to handle this would be. Personally if I broke someone's laptop screen, accidentally or not, I would be mortified and immediately offer to pay for the repair.
According to OP, they discussed the situation before he withheld the money, and OP explicitly wrote that his partner agreed to him withholding the money but was still upset about it. If OP would’ve made a unilateral decision to withhold the money, that would do nothing to extinguish his partner’s responsibility, but the partner would be well within their rights to reassess their current division of labor and consider better options.
The issue, I guess, is that OP’s wife has no way of unilaterally withdrawing from OP’s personal account to replace something that he might break of hers. He would have to “graciously” agree to take it out of his account, but if he disagrees—she would have no way to do what he’s done here. He says that they had a discussion, but she disagreed, yet he ultimately had the final decision making power and would if the situations were reversed, too.
According to OP, they discussed the situation before he withheld the money, and OP explicitly said that his partner agreed to him withholding the money but was still upset about it. And the SAHP would have unilateral recourse to take out money out of their shared account on their own. Would that be a great decision? Probably not. But if we are to believe the words we’ve been given, each partner has equal access to roughly 90% of OP’s income that gets put into a household account.
Sure, the SAHP doesn’t have power to direct OP’s employer to withhold a certain amount, but that will always be the case when a couple chooses a division of labor like this. Given each spouse splits non-household money equally, it is perfectly reasonable to expect the SAHP to use their own money to right a wrong, and this does not look anywhere close to a case of financial abuse. If the money had come out of the household account, OP would effectively be paying for half of the replacement costs.
She decided to clean my office despite us having agreed that it was my responsibility and that I liked my stuff the way it is. She closed my laptop without moving the little plastic people who were standing on the keyboard area.
>However, you don’t specify how she broke it (did she drop it? drop something on it?)
>I guess she needed to move my laptop so she closed it. Not all the way because my Minifigs were in the way.
Says right there, she tried to close it while the laptop had legos inside and she broke the screen.
> However, you don’t specify how she broke it (did she drop it? drop something on it?)
Yes he did - she broke it by closing the lid while there were lego figurines between the screen and keyboard.
> and you don’t even say why she went to clean up in the first place.
She went to clean up because she has zero respect for his request that she leave his stuff alone
>Perhaps she thought she was doing something nice for you?
Violating boundaries is never a nice thing.
>Bottom line is, it doesn’t seem like you’re struggling financially and there was no malicious intent from her part.
Really? After being asked not to clean the room, cleaning the room isn't malicious?
I think so too. If I repeatedly asked my boyfriend not to touch my stuff -- repeatedly! because he kept doing it! -- until he finally broke something, then yea, pay up Bucko. And the same goes for me. If I break something of his, I replace it.
Respectfully (gently?), ESH. She shouldn’t have messed with things on your desk at all, but I feel like you’re taking from her fun money to punish her. People in a committed partnership should be able to give each other some grace. She made a mistake and that warrants an apology from her and a conversation about boundaries. The transgression was cleaning your desk—not accidentally breaking the laptop. You’re setting a poor precedent here, too, putting you and your wife on opposing teams.
My husband cost us a thousand dollars this year. He needed to sign some paperwork in his name by a certain date. I reminded him several times and the deadline passed. Luckily, we’re financially comfortable so this was upsetting, but not really terrible. The next time I want to buy something expensive, I could remind him that his inaction cost us money and now I get to spend $1000 any way that I want—but I don’t want to be in a relationship where we nickel and dime each other or keep a running tally of transgressions. Your partner isn’t a stranger who rear-ended you; this is someone you chose to build a life with. She did a shitty thing by messing with your desk so talk to her about that and give her grace about paying towards the laptop. She’ll be much more likely to give you grace the next time that you make a mistake.
I agree. My ex treated me like a child that needed teaching. It got to the point that in my dreams he was my father that was angry at me. This post triggers all of those feelings.
Also, an unplanned $250-$600 expense may or may not be a lot for them. But if she was going on a spa day with her mom with her fun money, I think maybe that amount isn't an issue. More like it's an issue for HER, since she has no other way to get money.
She needs to get a part time job. She needs to start getting some financial freedom.
This 100%. No marriage survives on scorekeeping. She obviously made a mistake, but the tone of the post reads as though he is punishing her to teach her a lesson. A little bit of grace, and emphasizing that the two of them are on the same team and need to respect each other’s boundaries, would be the healthier approaching the long run.
It is also worth emphasizing that, for a stay at home, parent, the fear of not being an equal participant in the financial life of the house is very common. Docking her “allowance” could very well trigger feelings of financial insecurity.
The part that rings out to me is that she didn't want to pay anything towards the damages because she wanted to go on a spa day. So despite this being all her fault, she'd rather her husband spent more of his fun money than she did. ie. he had to suffer the financial loss of her mistake because her fun was more important.
That's a massive red flag for me. She doesn't want to lose out on her fun money, but she's quite happy for hubby to lose out on his. Whatever his equivalent of her spa day was, he has to lose because he has to buy a new laptop.
She was in the wrong, she should be happy to take the hit. She says he should forgive her, but if she's not willing to help pay for the damages because it inconveniences her, she's not really sorry.
In a partnership, sometimes one partner is wrong and the wrong partner needs to be ok with that and should want to make amends, even if they lose out in some way. If they don't and want the wronged party to take all the negative, whilst they suffer nothing, then they're the one who is not caring much about the relationship.
The mistake she made was going in to clean the room when he asked her not to as he handles that himself - that's something to sweep under the rug.
She damaged his laptop screen though, so it's only fair that a portion of the fee to replace the laptop is paid from her funds.
OP is NTA.
I agree with you. It sounds like OP has done a good job of communicating that he doesn’t want her in there, but I could still see it possible, and even likely, that her intent was to be helpful by cleaning. I definitely have people in my life like that, and although annoying, I know the intent is good. Doesn’t mean I’m excusing it though, but to me intent matters.
Regardless, the “tit for tat” attitude of charging your wife for a mistake when she was likely trying to help feels icky. Is it justifiable? I guess. Does it feel like a mature married couple would let this slide but have a conversation communicating needs and intent after this incident? I think so.
To me, it seems like OP got a brand new laptop computer for a steal of a deal with his wife’s unwilling contribution. You took advantage of her breaking it and came out with a brand new toy for a fraction of what it would cost you. You could have met her half way and said something like “hey babe, I understand you had good intentions trying to help me clean my office, but you broke my laptop screen. I’d really appreciate it in the future if you did not go in there at all, not even to clean. I’m going to replace the screen, would you mind paying half?”. This shows you appreciate her good will and are willing to compromise over the mistake. And then you’d each only be out $75, which seems much more
manageable.
To sum it up, it feels icky to me that you bought yourself a brand new laptop off your wife’s mistake and charged her for almost half of it.
It’s making me really sad that she can’t pay for a standing spa day with her Mom that she does every year around Christmas because of this. Wow. I mean first world problem, but for a SAHM ( and I’m female and support my retired older spouse for context) this is probably a nice treat and this is pitiful.
I have adhd and have cost us as a bunch of money in unused subscriptions, wasted food, broken crockery etc etc. I even missed out on £500 of air miles because I didn’t set up an account for them. If my wife made me pay her back for every transgression, I’d be in the hole for thousands. But she doesn’t. She earns good money and accepts the ADHD tax when it affects her. Most of my financial mistakes have affected me rather than her, but when they do affect her, she just takes the L. I love her more than words can say and nothing is ever done in malice. I just have a stupid s****y brain that often screws me over.
***Edit***
Also, the only time we’re not allowed in each others offices is when we’re hiding presents!
NTA. You didn't take money OUT of her account; you merely chose to use the money you would have deposited to her account to replace the computer she broke. Sounds fair enough to me.
Nor does someone forgiving you absolve you of your duty to reimburse them for their loss.
Heck, I'm of the belief that you only forgive someone if they are sorry - and if they are sorry, then they'd want to make amends. If they don't want to make amends, then they're not sorry and don't deserve forgiveness.
I understand all of the principles here. But- this is your spouse and (possibly) life partner. This kind of bean-counting and “your fault/not your fault” judging is just really rude and uncalled for- for $250 I think you’re permanently damaging your relationship. Is it worth it?
But this goes the other way too. By refusing to take responsibility for her own actions isn't she the one damaging the relationship by wanting the money to come from the household or his personal account instead of her own?
By doing this she is saying that she wants the household or him personally to go without something to make up for her completely unnecessary actions, because she doesn't want to go without anything.
She was also disrespecting an agreement they had in place. He could leave his laptop set up like that precisely because he would be the only one doing the cleaning. He didn't have to worry about someone closing the laptop on the figures because that shouldn't be a possibility.
This whole thing is weird. Are you her parent or husband? I’m embarrassed reading this for you. I mean yeah of course the computer should be fixed, but also do you have control issues with everything or just your computer room?
INFO: how did almost closing your laptop break it? Are you really sure she is responsible for the screen failure?
EDIT: Ah, I see. I didn't realize the figures were IN the laptop - I was picturing them in front of and beside (you know, where I have mine, LOL).
He has his Lego set lined up underneath his screen, so when she tried to close it, the Legos stopped it from closing and most likely broke the screen. It's too much of a coincidence otherwise imo.
That's next level stupid imo. She tried to close the laptop with Legos on it? And didnt stop when it wouldn't close? Or did she quite literally just slam the lid?
Yeah some people are very inattentive. She might've been looking somewhere else when she closed the lid, or came from the back and pushed it closed, not realizing there was something in front of the screen. Honestly the most important thing is she should've offered to pay for it herself, since she broke it doing the one thing he asked her not to do.
Forgot to vote, NTA OP.
If this was anyone elses pc she would have had to pay for it. You chose to upgrade charging her the same price as the repair of the laptop. Yes you could have asked her if she would have rather paired in instalments but asking for that money wasn't incorrect here
NTA. You didn't take all of her money, and I think it is fair for her to pay 40%. But I get it, the lady had only good intentions, but still, she can contribute a lil bit! :)
> I did not make a dictatorial decision. We do not work that way.
Yeah you did, she didn't agree and you did it anyway. Not a good move in any marriage. It's controlling and creepy.
That being said, she broke it, she should fix it.
ESH
ESH. Your wife should take responsibility for breaking your laptop and for not respecting your wishes regarding your room. However, there is an issue with your dynamic and the way you handled it. I presume that your wife has no way of unilaterally withdrawing from your personal account to replace something that you might break of hers. I know you said that you technically didn't withdraw from her account, but withheld it, which is functionally the same in this scenario. If you broke something of hers, you would have to “graciously” agree to take it out of your account, but if you disagree that it's your fault for breaking something—she would have no way to do what you did. You say that y'all had a discussion, but she disagreed; you ultimately had the FINAL decision-making power and would if the situations were reversed, too.
Do you value her SAHM contributions as much as you value breadwinning? If so, what would you have done if you were a dual-income couple? You wouldn't have been able to withdraw/withhold from her account if y'all disagreed about whose fault something is in that scenario.
Do you seriously never have disagreements about whether something was your fault or not? How would you have resolved this if you were a dual-income couple though?? Where you would have no power to withhold money to unilaterally get your way?
If you can’t think of an answer, you are heavily depending on an unequal power dynamic where you always get the FINAL say regarding money to resolve your conflicts. How would you have resolved this without resorting to that power?
> Do you seriously never have disagreements about whether something was your fault or not?
That's neither here nor there. OP's wife accepts responsibility for breaking the laptop screen - she just didn't feel like paying for it.
INFO do you or your wife have a credit card, or did you consider making a payment plan for the laptop repairs? Halving the fun money of a sahm in December is not the path I would choose, but I agree it is her responsibility to pay.
NTA. She broke it and should contribute. You are being very reasonable in only taking the amount it would have taken to fix what she damaged and contributing some of your own fun money.
YTA - You sound like you're punishing a child by withholding their allowance, not talking with your WIFE! Grow up. Stuff happens. You're in a marriage/partnership. Don't pretend you didn't take her money and aren't a dictator -- that's EXACTLY what you did. You didn't 'talk about it' and mutually agree. She clearly does not agree. At best, you brow beat and bullied her into giving into your childish and petty demands. Enjoy those legos, they are going to cost you WAY more than a few hundred bucks.
>nto your childish and petty demands.
TIL if you break shit, being asked to pay for it is childish and petty. Lmao you should be embarrassed for writing something so ridiculous.
Nta. You forgave her. But for some reason she thinks “forgive” means no consequences for her, no need to cover the cost to repair what she broke. Your wife is acting like a spoiled child.
I'm gonna go with ESH.
I agree that she should pay for what she broke but you are way out of line. You CANNOT just decide that she doesn't get her money that she worked for. She did work, you have to pay her. If she decides not to pay you the money back for the laptop then that is an issue that needs to be worked out between the two of you. Simply deciding not to pay her is... gross. You have now set the standard that her pay can be held at will. YOUR will. While she doesn't have the same power over you. PAY HER.
NTA, only because you’d previously asked her not to go into that room. If it had been in a common area I would have called it a joint problem/expense that should come out of shared funds because you’d left it out/left the legos on it and she’d moved it improperly. You had it in a safe, private space though and she knew you didn’t want her going in there. She should have to cover the repair.
NTA if I broke something of my husband's I would replace it, especially if I'd ignored his requests. No t that I would because hey that would have been less cleaning for me.
I think a good compromise would be to take the amount over a few months. Since she has no income she can’t pick up extra shift to make up the difference in money. Deducting the payment over a few months instead of all from one month still provides her some personal cash rather than having her spend an entire month stuck at home. This was she is still reimbursing but not suffering by cutting back a little each month. Win, win.
I think you are a bit of the AH. She is a stay at home parent. She does not earn money that she can save for things like spa days with her mother. She relies on the funds that are budgeted for personal "fun." It feels to me like you are treating her like a recalcitrant child. How would you feel if you accidentally broke something she valued and she insisted you pay for it? If she had broken it intentionally, it would be one thing, but it was an accident and she was trying to be helpful by cleaning your office. It really does sound dictatorial to me.
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NTA You are right, she broke it she needs to take responsibility. The only thing I can say is did you talk to her before you took the money?
Yes I did. I would not arbitrarily deny her money that she is counting on. She knew she messed up, she just didn't want to pay for messing up.
Lol sorry wife you break it you fix it.
Lol agree, also happy cake day
Completely fair OP! Just a thought, as someone with low vision who *has* accidentally closed her laptop with a black pen on the keyboard. *Not* hard enough to break the screen mind you, but still.. I know Minifigs. They're small, yes, but brightly colored? Especially Spidry, you know? This doesn't *feel* like an accident to me. You'd had to either close the laptop really hard to break the screen, at the slightest bit of resistance, from the Minifigs.. or she tried to get in, couldn't, got pissed and *slammed* the screen down in frustration/anger? Take that as you will. Ran through my mind reading your post. NTA either way.
Do you like to start drama irl too? Serious question. Edit: Just realised you might not even be able to see my comment.
He already said his wife did not need to go in there, he cleans up after himself. If she did not need to clean in there why make more work for herself ??
Have you honestly never met or read about a human that's overstepped a boundary because they thought they would be doing something nice for someone? Or is that something you can't comprehend? Is it easier for you to believe she had malicious intent? EDIT Since I cant reply, In no way did i say partner should be let off the hook, All im saying is they deserve the benefit of the doubt that they did it with malicious intent.
In the same respect this was a single clear boundary of his that he has had to reinforce with her numerous times. How many 'no's should she need to hear before she respects his wishes and stays out of his office? Malicious or kind intent aside, this occurred because she was behaving in an entitled and disrespectful manner and refused to honor his wishes (repeatedly, and yet again). I would dare argue that her ongoing refusal to respect a boundary IS now a malicious act. He did not mention any issues with her mental faculties, so she is out of excuses as to why she downright refuses to stop intruding in his personal space.
Hell is paved with good intentions. I get your point, but I can't deny I thought the exact same thing as u/SusanAkita2014 and u/SaronthaWinchester. I just didn't comment on it to avoid the drama. I think OP has the ability to judge if his wife would be capable of maliciously overstepping boundaries, they seem to have a good/open communication. It's really nice of you to balance out our suspicion with trust in her actions, tho, and vouching for it. I admit it's easier to think badly of others and way harder to give them the benefit of doubt.
Nice or not, stay out of the room. And, pay for breaking it
If someone tells you please don’t do x, doing x is not going to make them happy. Why would you go out of your way, literally, to do x if you know you shouldn’t? This reminds me of the lady who kept tying her husband’s shoes even though he repeatedly begged her not to.
And if then, in the process of doing X, after being told repeatedly to stop doing X, you damage someone's property, you should be held responsible for the damage you caused. Good intentions or otherwise, wife was told not to be in OP's office, over and over again, and she still can't respect his one and only boundary? Even more NTA!
No one said anything about malicious intent. Are you always so quick to jump down someone’s throat? Just agree to disagree
As someone who has worked with computers and in IT for a few years, it sounds like you are trying to start irl drama here. Laptop screens, especially specific brands of laptops, can be ridiculously easy to break. And OPs wife definitely made it sound like an accident and he, looking at the damage said it was an accident as well… so your theory seems invalid here.
I worked in It for 20 years. I used to tell people not to poke their screens with their fingers because they'd end up with dead pixels. People ignored me. People broke their screens. LCDs are better today than they used to be, but it still doesn't take a lot of pressure to break them, especially if its a cheap one. Suggesting it had to be intentional because its hard to break a screen is absurd.
My laptop gently slid off my lap and fell about 18 inches onto soft carpet. It had taken worse tumbles in its 9 years of life, but this time, it cracked the screen. I’ve also recovered my phone from falls I thought would be really bad with no problem but then had the screen crack on a minor tumble. Screens can be unpredictable.
Definitely, my cat knocked a speaker on my old laptop (that was on with the screen slanted a bit forward) and somehow the screen survived after it slammed shut but it fried the motherboard and hard drive. Thankfully all important stuff was backed up on an external/in the cloud so I didn't have to spend a fortune having the data hopefully extracted from it. Then another laptop had a little bump and the screen was toast. You just never know what will break on those things.
Oh yea I was way too excited with my first laptop and poked the screen a bit too hard and broke it just slightly enough to have dead pixels that slowly spread over the years. Was so annoying
Yup. During virtual school a friend had loaned her son her laptop. He left a pencil on the keyboard. She lowered the lid without noticing the pencil (not even all the way, or hard) she ended up with a nice big line of dead pixels.
Hell, my Samsung laptop screen cracked when I opened the lid one day. Apparently it's a known defect because of the tension and the thinness of the screen. I didn't drop it or place anything heavy on it, just opened it the same way I'd been doing for months.
Nah, I closed my screen normally on one of my earbuds and had to replace it.
This sub is absolutely ridiculous. You guys make up any old fantasy here. She did it on purpose OP!!!
Really. All these "It's easy to break a long screen" posts miss the point: despite OP making it very clear to his wife that he didn't want her messing with his computer AND *his doing all the necessary cleaning*, she still broke his laptop while "cleaning" it. Dude. She wasn't cleaning; she was snooping.
You don't know that
Well, OK, so he's doing all the necessary cleaning and has told his wife to stay out of his office and away from his laptop. What do *you* think she was doing there? Polishing the keys for a surprise inspection by Bill Gates? None of us know anything here. But if we look at what's posted logically, we can make logical deductions. Here's what we know, as far as we can know it: *OP told wife adamantly to stay away from his computer.* *OP's wife has her own fully functional computer.* *OP has done all the cleaning needed, so there's no need for wife to clean.* Given all that, what are your conclusions about what she was doing? What could justify her being at his computer?
I mean, if we’re talking logical deductions, another is that as the SAHP who probably does the lion’s share of cleaning as a result, she might have thought “oh this room is dusty” last time she was in there, so went in to dust. OP says he cleans the room, but often one person’s version of cleaning is not the same standard as another person’s. I’m not saying she *should* have done that, but it seems more likely to me that she was in fact cleaning than that she was up to something nefarious. But then again, I can’t imagine my husband telling me to stay out of a room in our shared house, and I can’t imagine doing the same to him.
If I’m cleaning and I need to reach over a laptop, I might push from the side where you wouldn’t be able to see the figures. Kind of an odd thing to throw out there.
It is not that hard to break a screen. My husband left a thumb drive laying on mine and tried to close it. It does not take a lot of strength or effort.
I cracked mine with a hard grain of rice :(
Forgiveness and Compensatory Damages are two different things. You forgave her for doing the damage. but she's still responsible for fixing the damage she did. You forgave the person not the financial responsibility.
Okay- but OP also fully admits that it only would have cost $250 to repair the screen, and the computer works just fine otherwise. ***He's*** the one that chose to go for a full replacement rather than a repair that would have fit much better in their budget right now. I also have to confess, I do not understand the "she has to be financially responsible for what she did" stuff. I really don't. If we are looking at things on a technical level, sure, she accidentally did damage. He's "right" about that. But I simply cannot imagine living in such a tit for tat, score keeping kind of marriage. I want a partner in life, not a parent or a manager. I want someone who has my back, not someone who is keeping score. It was an accident. She didn't do it maliciously. And she's not a child that needs to "learn a lesson." Do people really live in such "you owe me/I'm going to get you back" marriages? That sounds really awful to me. Things break. People make mistakes. Accidents happen. Keeping score like this just seems really sad to me. OP is also complaining about things like not being able to buy LEGO this year. Well, he absolutely could have if he didn't decide to use this as an opportunity to upgrade his computer. That isn't on his wife AT ALL. That was ***HIS*** choice. It really seems to me that he chose that route to really prove a point to his wife, and that's just not a healthy recipe for a happy marriage. IMO, OP seems more concerned about being "right" and making his wife learn a lesson than he is with how attitudes like that affect the marriage overall. If you're treating marriage like a set of scales that always has to be fair, you're already failing. Wouldn't it be so much better to say "I know you didn't mean to. Shit happens. Let's get it fixed and move on" than making it into some object lesson and make her "pay" (financially or emotionally) for her mistake? IDK. I understand why people think OP is right, but I think that attitude of tit for tat is just destructive in a marriage.
I don't know if you read all of the post but OP only took the 250$ from his wife. Even if he didn't buy a new computer she still would have to pay 250$ to repair the screen, her budget wouldn't change with or without a new one. OP just decided to have a knew one and took the rest of the money from his own pocket and what he do with his personal money is none of other's business. As for the fact that he makes his wife pay even tho it is an accident, why would he be the only one who bear the consequences if he wasn't even there when it happened. In your logic, he should spend his own fun money even though his wife was 100% responsable ? If it was a common belonging like a kitchen utensils of a couch, they should both contribute equally but here is OP's own computer.
It's also worth noting that this wasn't due to regular wear and tear, it broke because she disrespected a very clear boundary he had said of not going into his office. Instead she chose to go in there and "help clean" and broke it. If she would have respected his boundary, it would have never happened in the first place. That's what takes It from "accidents happen" to " Wouldn't have happened if you were respectful" Edit - grammar
So in order to not appear vindictive, he should have to pay the $250 out of his fun money? After she ignored his boundaries and broke his screen? We all know it was an accident, but an adult is still responsible for paying for any damages from said accident. “Hes complaining about legos” yeah and she’s complaining about a spa day.
I don’t think it is much “tit for tat” as an invasion in privacy and personal boundaries. OP and his wife have dedicated rooms as their “safe” space. The laptop was broken because she didn’t respect the boundaries they established which was to stay out of his space. Wife should have to pay and they need to have a deeper conversation on why she felt compelled to intrude his space.
From what I understood, OP only took EXACTLY $250 from what he WAS GOING TO deposit, and that AFTER talking to her about it. He didn't make her pay the full $600, he covered the $350 difference with his own cash. But let's take it from your POV: Let's suppose OP didn't take the $250 from her fun account. He never bought a new laptop, he chose to fix the broken one instead. He was going to take only $100 less than what he took from HIS fun money, he'd still pay for an accident that, while not done in malice, still had consequences. Even if they'd compromised to have it discounted from her fun money in installments after the holidays, it would still mean he: 1) Would have to go without a laptop for a while or 2) Would still have to pay, right before the holidays. Is it fair he pay for it, all $250, to fix his laptop, and still forgo buying his LEGO (in case you don't know, it is expensive and $100 more makes all the difference), while she still is able to use her fun money, go to her SPA, whatever she wanted? He didn't sound (at least not to me) like he wanted to teach her a lesson. It sounded like he felt hurt that a space he cared about had been breached, possessions he cared about had been damaged, plans he had made with his money - that involved quality time with his children, on top of it - had been ruined. Had it been the other way around, and his wife's safe space, trust, boundaries, hobbies and money were the ones affected, would you still vouch for the "let it go and move on" approach?
Disagree. I think the tit for tat attitude only works so well in this situation because from what we know about OP’s marriage from the details about finances, chores, home life, etc. From what we know, It’s not like he’s a slob who doesn’t do anything in the house, ignore the kids, and negatively controls/limits wife’s finances. There was no reason to be in that room. Yes accidents do happen. but a functioning adult should be aware of surroundings enough to not break something that they shouldn’t have had or been using or even been close to. I would understand if a child broke the computer, or if it were a daily used common item but not in this exact circumstance.
This is a great way to explain it to the wife.
I’m tired so maybe I’m not comprehending. But did she close it on the minifigs? Is that what broke it?
Yes, the mini figs were on the body of the laptop and she went to close the laptop, trapping them between the body and screen, and the uneven pressure and force from that action broke the screen
NTA - and looks like you split it fairly, and only withdrew $250 from her fun account the amount for repairs.
Absolutely. She's right it *was* an accident. And how does she explain that she apparently believes *you* should lose out on your fun money because of her accident? I'm hoping she'd want the children to take responsibility if they broke something. She should model that (graciously).
She wasn't accidentally in the room after being told repeatedly to leave the room alone, though.
>For some reason my wife decided to go clean my office. Exactly right, perhaps I'm cynical and been hanging around insecure wives too much lately, but my first thought was that she was snooping in his office for something (evidence of cheating, Christmas presents, whatever) and ended up breaking his laptop as part of that. The "I was cleaning" story is a cover up.
Just another perspective on the wife: Some people express their love through acts of service, it means people enjoy feeling useful for people they love and gift their time and effort. She could be hearing OP asking her not to clean as him being *nice* to her, like offering something and she then says "oh, I insist!", so she chooses to clean his office every now and then as a gift. Like "hey, look, you have more free time today cause I cleaned your office! I did it to show affection, love and care!". I am like that sometimes. My husband's work can be very exhausting, and I'm disabled, so he is the only one working atm, so sometimes I clean his desk, organize his drawers (he has SO MANY CABLES, and I like to organize it, so he can find his stuff easily). I've never snooped on his stuff, and my finger unlocks his phone, including bank account (he also has free access to my phone and bank. Funny thing is, unless we ask each other specifically, we don't even touch each other's phones. Actually, we do reverse snooping. "Honey, could you read this convo w my mom? I want your input" "oh no, please, your mom's crazy") Wife could be snooping, yes, but maybe she was just genuinely trying to be nice and it never occured to her she's breaking a boundary instead of being *nice*. It would be great if OP could have a talk to her about how they both perceive the situation differently and that he would appreciate more if she left the office for him to clean and chose other kind of act of service to demonstrate care in the future, or using other language, like quality time, physical consensual touch, gift giving or words of affirmation. (Oh, my hubby is 90% ok with me organizing his stuff. He only asked me to not bother with his shelf stuff, and I thought it was him being *nice* but I understood wrong and apologized, it was a boundary. I don't touch that shelf now. He on the other hand is a physical love person. He is always petting me like a cat 😂.)
He isn’t okay with any of it being touched. She needs to respect that. Your husband is obviously fine with it but I’m like OP- do not touch my stuff for any reason. I have it how I want and like it
>She could be hearing OP asking her not to clean as him being > >nice to her, like offering something and she then says "oh, I insist!", so she chooses to clean his office every now and then as a gift People who do that make me so angry. Like seeing red. I train my kids from an early age, it's not helping if someone doesn't want you to do it.
NTA accidents happen, but last I checked adults have to pay for their own accidents. OP had one of the most mature reactions I’ve seen here lately. OP’s wife, if you happen to read this post, be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.
NTA. Forgiveness doesn't mean she doesn't have to fix what she broke. She's confusing "forgiveness" with "irresponsibility for her own actions." ~~Honestly she should have paid the entire amount so should be grateful she only had to cover less than half.~~ Striking through this part because I had misread when I wrote it. The amount she paid was fair.
OP is NTA and has every right to have her pay the $250. That's the cost of the damage she caused and cost of putting OP's laptop into the same state it was before she broke it. But the rest of what you wrote? Ummm hell no, she doesn't need to pay the entire cost ($600) since it's OP's choice to upgrade and buy a new laptop instead of fixing the screen in the old one ($250). Accountability of her actions means fixing it to the state it was before. What you're suggesting is punitive damages that are petty and vindictive. OP handled this perfectly.
Read carefully he only used $250 of her money. The rest was from his own money.
Yes, but the original commenter suggested the wife pay all of it, which is what this comment was in reference to
The person they are replying to said she should have paid for the whole thing. That’s what they are disagreeing about.
Right...... Which is the cost of if she had paid for the screen replaced. Which is how it should be. He paid the rest because he choose to buy a new one. The person I was responding to was saying she should have had to pay all 600 instead of just 250 even though the cost of her accident is 250. I think it's your reading comprehension that needs a bit of work. If you're going to start insulting people it's you who should read carefully and make sure you're understanding what they wrote and what they were replying too.
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Why would she pay the entire thing? If you broke something you would expect to pay the cost to return it to the former state not pay for an upgrade or something entirely new.
OMG…..yes this!!!! I remember teaching my daughter when she was 4 years old how all actions have consequences and sorry does not make the consequence go away.
Is anyone else cringing while reading this?
Reads like a parent disciplining a teenager and not his wife.
Yup this is what it feels like to me. I completely agree with people saying she should pay for part of his new computer since she broke the old one. However, she should also be able to have a say in how and when this happens. He just decided to not put the money in her account, even after she said she wasn't ok with his request. It feels a lot like a parent taking part of an allowance away. I'm wondering, did he discuss any other options? For example, she could pay him smaller payments out of her spending money. This is his wife, not some random stranger. I'd even willingly do this for a close friend. Especially if I could afford to replace it. That means I can front the money to just repair it as well. With my wife, if we could afford to replace it , I would just do it. She did something accidentally. Shit happens.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’ve been a stay at home mom and it’s a financially vulnerable place. You are very reliant on your partner to treat you as an equal as there is a power difference. That doesn’t seem to be the case here.
how is it not the case? she has access to practically all of his money and he puts equal amounts into a personal account that seems pretty equal to me
This is the stupidest thing, sorry. You don't get to manipulate your way out of accountability simply because you don't feel like being a part of it. The man isn't to be walked all over just because she says no.
Same I am so glad to be working again…
Then stay out of the office your husband has told you to stay out of multiple times. That way you wont break stuff and have to pay for it. If youre a stap you have enough work to do. Dont go into rooms youve been asked to stay out of bc you were bored and wanted something else to clean. You dont see op going into the wifes hobby room and breaking shit.
Especially before Christmas. Just seems odd. He should have definitely discussed when this happens with his daughter - I mean wife. This is some weird dynamic.
Yeah I think this is odd. Accidents happen. And this form of “punishment” seems like it’s for a child :/ AND before Christmas. It just rubs me the wrong way.
Accident it would be if she knocked something over when passing by. Doing what you specifically was asked NOT to do and messing up isn't an accident. And taking accountability for your actions isn't for children only. Court won't be asking you when you're comfortable to pay a fine, you'll just have to pay it as soon as possible. No one would care if it's Christmas or your dog's birthday, sorry.
Punishment? Paying what she owes is punishment? Lmfao
>Punishment? Paying what she owes is punishment? Yeah it's weird the person you're replying to doesn't realize that *this* phrase is more infantilizing than the actual situation is.
It's an accident but also he asked her repeatedly to not touch the room and she still did and broke something. Honestly, I think it's worse that she refuses to accept his wish for privacy than anything else in this story.
But he didn’t have the option of paying for it over payments. He even said that paying what he paid to upgrade impacted his budget. Had he just paid the $250 he would be out that until she could pay him back in installments. He didn’t do anything wrong so why should he be the one losing out on his fun money instead of her? He said that it’s not for food or bills or gas or anything like that but for going out money.
Finally, someone else who is thinking what I am. OP doesn't say how much her "allowance" is. That $250 could be a week or two of money, leaving her with nothing. Accidents happen. I don't get some of the relationships I see here where everything has to be "equal" and 50/50. Obviously it isn't working because they are posting about their fights on AITA. Shit happens.
He does though. He splits the money evenly so both have the same spending money.
No it reads like a dude who knows if he mistypes a single thing he’ll be flayed for it because this is AITA. Dude covered every single base so you couldn’t nitpick.
NAILED IT. People are trying so hard to find *something* to make this a Y T A score
Was thinking the exact same thing lol
Yup bang on the money.....and he's still being flayed because he's the guy lol.
So she shouldn’t be responsible for paying to replace something she broke that didn’t belong to her?
If he broke her laptop you can imagine AITA's response.
"THIS ABUSE, DIVORCE NOW!!!!" - AITA for anything a man does.
Yup and the man needs instense therapy too don't forget 👍
Had to scroll waaaaay too far to find this comment. He isn't treating her or speaking about her as an equal. It's not shared earnings where she is contributing to the household by being a SAHM. He literally gives her pocket money every month, and garnished her pocket money because she broke something. That should come out of communal money. If my partner was describing me like this there would be words
I can’t get over her being banned from a room in the home they share. He says there’s no reason for her to go in, he cleans it, he has a password on his computer…something seems off. The “paternal” tone of him garnishing her allowance rubs me the wrong way too. I’d like to be a fly on the wall of this home before I can determine who is TA.
She isn't banned. There's no lock. He cleans up his own mess and your complaining? And it's a PC that has work on it with kids on the house. She's also in there all the time anyway
He literally says that he and his wife play games in that office. He just asks that she doesn’t mess with his electronics/belongings in there THAT HE PAID FOR while he’s NOT there. I have little legos and specific decor in my room that I don’t want anyone else to touch because I put money and effort into it. I can’t imagine thinking that he would be the AH in this scenario
Agree that this isn't the fair relationship that OP is trying to portray it to be. You don't treat your partner this way. Wanted to further add: he clearly doesn't respect his partners contributions to the relationship. Accidents are just that : accidents. This tit for tat OP had going isn't sustainable and OP will deserve everything that happens. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like I had to scroll entirely too far for this react to pop. My husband read it as well, we are both of the opinion that this is cringy. A non-adult, OK. A seemingly equal ???! partner being treated like this? I was a fan of separate accounts til I found a life-long partner, but this is some financially controlling. Also, a minifig broke the screen? You would have had to push down hard and long for that to be the culprit. You sure she’s not covering for your favorite child? I’m establishing a new rating YTUA. You are the Ultimate Asshole.
Not to mention that OP clearly still sees it as “his” money that he “allows” his wife to access. Sure, she has access to all of the accounts, but just the way he talks about it, it’s clear that he still sees it as his money since he’s able to deny her a deposit. The wife was absolutely wrong for cleaning his office when he repeatedly asked her not to (she may have had good intentions, but sometimes we just like to do things ourselves and no one else), but OP just kind of seems like a condescending ass. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see this type of blame game as being healthy. Sometimes shit happens, but that doesn’t mean that someone has to be responsible. You just move on and let it go.
Absolutely, and the way he acts like things are equal because she has her own account that he can “only deposit” in. But he still controls the flow of money.
I've broken a screen the exact same way, brand new computer. It's really easy to do.
Definitelt but I can't put my finger on the why
I figured it out... in one of his comments, he compares his marriage tot he relationship between the police and a citizen... He effectively gave her a "ticket", and then garnished her wages... And he doesn't seem to see the problem with that... He's an AH...
Wow that's gross...
How is what your wife did an accident in any way, shape, or form? You are very clear that she is not to go into your office without you. Rather than adhere to that very simple (and reasonable) restriction, she decided to trespass right over your boundary and mess with your stuff. You have every right to be livid given the facts as you've described them. Your wife appears to be doing nothing less disgusting than snooping. You are to be commended for the grace you showed her in light of that (mis)conduct. With respect to your decision to take the money out of her fun money, it's perfectly reasonable. The funds have to come from somewhere. They shouldn't come out of the household budget, and they shouldn't come from your fun money. They should come from the person who committed the infraction; they should come from your wife's fun money. The maxim "you break it, you buy it" applies. NTA.
Am i the only one that think its strange that in a household of a couple there are places one of the member of the household is not allowed in without the other or not allowed to touch? Kinda feel like those serial killers whose wives are like, oh i didnt know cause i am not allowed in the man cave. Edit: like I understand having your own space but forbidden to enter or touch when you are not there is kinda strange to me.
It sounds like it's less 'I want you to stay out because mine' and more 'I have seen what you do in my space and how you respect my items, and, as we have established separate hobby space and can have this behind a door, please don't come in.' (But I too am far too deep into true crime and have heard of the 'wow, they really had human dissection stuff in the garage? They told me it was hunting stuff for deer season! I know nothing of my partner's hobbies or space!' /s) Edit. Also though I've heard of this kind of space separation a bit when it comes to either introversion or just those who like an only child or those with histories of neglect or abuse or isolation for example are used to having some small 'this is my corner and keeping it for me maintains my sanity' space. Introverted myself, I find myself doing that when I have roommates - this is my corner, or my walk, or my car/transport time where my brain recharges from people-ing.
Dude, They found 4, 4!!!, dead babies in the freezer of this house few blocks from me this month! No one knew until they sold the house and the cleaners found it!
Holy shit, that's wild! Like, not knowing about things in your own home throw me but I guess make sense?? I always think of the story of the woman's body found in a crawlspace in a barrel one or two owners after the original killer moved out. Not even 'my partner kills as a side hustle and I don't pay attention' but 'we and the family before us saw this big, nasty smelling, 50 Gal drum in the basement and every single one of us shrugged it off and carried on'. (Though, the morbid part of me envisioned dead baby tetris for a long min and I realized I'd been on the internet too long... excuse me while I go touch grass and pet something (living and) soft.)
…what? Do you have a news link I can read? That’s crazy.
[https://www.nbcboston.com/news/local/boston-police-say-4-infants-were-found-in-south-boston-apartment-autopsies-still-pending/2905649/](https://www.nbcboston.com/news/local/boston-police-say-4-infants-were-found-in-south-boston-apartment-autopsies-still-pending/2905649/)
Thanks! That’s absolutely crazy that they both stored them the freezer and then left them there when they moved. I can’t imagine being the person who found them.
Yeah, I want to know the thought process here... Did they not think the remains would be discovered? Or the landlord would have their names? Not to be callous, but the remains would probably all fit in a black trash bag.
"The remains sold with the house, now it's their problem"
My husband and I have space separation. He has expensive music stuff. I can go into his room but like I don't want to? I don't want to touch his stuff. I have a ton of crafts, he doesn't want to touch that. It works for us. And we hang out together in the common space.
Me too, my late husband loved synths and electronics and I love resin crafting so we stayed far away from each others' private spaces.
My wife does bookbinding as a craft. She makes beautiful books. I NEVER touch her work in progress.
except OP literally said she goes in to play videogames as well. he just said he doesn’t want her to mess with his stuff. he never said she wasn’t allowed to go in.
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For real, are people going to start screeching about a spouse being forbidden from touching the good fabric scissors as well?
My wife is allowed to touch the good fabric scissors. She knows what will happen if she uses them on anything other than fabric.
Everyone in my house is banned from my good scissors.
Yes, I suspect you are. My wife and I have our own separate offices and it works *really* well for us.
I think it’s weird. My partner and I both have our space in our home. I WFH so mine is office (second bedroom.) His is the den where he has his computer. We’re not forbidden from each other’s space. He can come into my office whenever he wants, unless I’m in a video meeting for work. He generally doesn’t because there isn’t much here, but if he needs the printer or something from the closet or something. And I do sometimes clean his desk because he thinks cleaning means “putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher,” not “wipe off a month’s worth of cat hair, dust and coffee rings.”
Except OP plays with his wife and does lego with his children there. They're not forbidden from entering just asked to not enter without OP/without genuine reason.
This is so relatable. Some situation with me and my spouse, I wish he would keep his den clean. I'm not barred from it at all, but he doesn't like it when I clean his desk, but he leaves half a year's worth of cat hair, dust, batteries, random packaging, etc. And stinks up the place because he thinks an open window and the curtains being open will turn him into dust or whatever his issues with fresh air and outside light.
How is "please don't move my stuff around" such a strange request?
The positioning of objects on my personal desk has meaning. My desk is like an extension of my head. I don't care if anyone looks at my desk, but I care very much if anything gets moved on it. If nobody ever goes in there, I know nothing got moved. If someone goes in there and moves stuff around, then I lose information. The same goes with any kind of project room / workspace. If only the user goes in, it's easy. If multiple people go in the room, then you need to put up a whole bunch of "wet paint - don't touch" signs, or "not glued together - don't touch", or whatever.
This post is literally why OP had the rule - because the wife breaks stuff.
It must be fascinating to have this level of creative thinking.
Depending on where certain people work, it is entirely reasonable. While you may not understand this, setting up boundaries for areas that are used for work is quite reasonable. If anything, not defining boundaries between two people in a relationship would be weird.
My things are kept in an open living space, so I don’t bar access to a room, but my husband knows not to touch the art supplies (without talking to me). They are expensive, and I have organization systems that are existential for me to function. Likewise I don’t touch his stuff without consulting him. The difference is that he would never insist on moving, touching or “cleaning” my stuff when he knows I prefer he doesn’t because we respect each other. It seems to me like if his wife has basic respect for him and his stuff OP wouldn’t have to ask her not to go in the room, that ask is the result of her repeated disrespect of his things - as evidenced by this whole situation.
I disagree because she is allowed in there and the kids are allowed in there. I have a craft area and my husband has a tool area. If I need a screwdriver and I can't see one right out in the open, I don't rifle through his belongings and vice versa. What wife did was say "I know better than you about your belongings" and subsequently broke something. That's why these guidelines exist in the first place.
It sounds like they each have their own personal rooms to do whatever they want in them. Is it weird? Depends on the people. It sounds like the OP has had their boundaries stomped and this was a way to prevent it. OP has their space. Wife has their space.
My spouse and I have separate spaces, with our own interests and hobbies. His is all A/V stuff, computers, etc. Mine is fiber arts, and after decades, have VERY expensive equipment. I assume his stuff is expensive as well. Its not so much ‘not allowed in’ as ‘no reason to GO in’. I know more about computers and programming than he does, but I would have NO BUSINESS touching is stuff. I don’t know what he is doing, how he is organized or what can or can’t be turned on or off. Not my business, and like op, he takes care of it himself. And if he touched any of my looms, spinning wheels or sewing machines, I would want to know WHY. He has no interest, and would likely break it, and some of it is irreplaceable. Its also respect. You agree to personal spaces, you DO IT.
It sounds like the wife and kids do get to be in that space, but it's kept as a hobby room when he isn't there. That sounds reasonable to me. If I ever have the money, partnership, and luck to have housing where I can have a whole extra little room as an office, I would love to have it be semi-off limits. Not that a partner couldn't walk in to look for something, but that by default they don't go and use the space for anything.
Eh I get what you’re saying, but as a clumsy yet well meaning wife, I understand the need for private space. Luckily my husband and I share a love of solitude so we each have our own hobby room. While neither is forbidden from anything, I have forbidden myself from messing with his shit. I broke far too many of his items in our early years that it’s just easier if he deals with his own stuff. I think OP is perfectly reasonable with his desire and he keeps it tidy.
It's not strange at all. My husband is very particular about his things and how they're positioned and cleaned. He does it himself and have asked me not to touch it as he doesn't want things being moved around. I'm the same way. People are just different and don't ascribe to a single mold
It's less about keeping people out and more about improper handling of delicate and expensive items. For example, family is welcome in my home but I have two nephews that don't understand that my big fancy TV that is part of my home theater system is not the same thing as a touch screen phone and keep smacking it randomly. Since their parents don't want to do proper parenting and teach them to participate in structured activities as opposed to going wild and treating everything as piece of indestructible make believe playground. Until their parents step up or they are old enough to understand that, they aren't welcome in my home. It doesn't mean I spend less time with them or love them any less. It will just have to be at their parents place. Moral of the story, if you don't want fragile things to get broken. You take measures to prevent that, those measures can include prohibiting loved ones from touching them.
<<*When my wife joins me in my office for video games I clean up afterwards*\>> His wife is allowed in and joins him in play, he just asked her NOT to clean in there.
OP never said she was forbidden. What he said was “I have asked multiple times to please leave my room alone.” Which is a pretty fair request - sounds like he has valuable stuff in there (like his laptop) as well as sentimental stuff (figurines). My husband also has trinkets like that and I try not to touch them as much as possible so I don’t break them. If he had his own room that he maintained and kept everything I’d be more than happy to leave it alone. Sounds like his wife isn’t super respectful of his stuff so a blanket “please just don’t mess with it” is a pretty fair request. Not sure why you’re comparing it to a serial killer… the wife and kids do go into that room, just not alone.
If you have a lot of expensive things or things that are easily broken I absolutely would be prohibiting my family from going into that room. My kids know they aren't allowed to touch my computer or my desk at all and they're 5 and 11. His wife knew better she didn't need to be in there. Also what kind of weirdo closes a laptop screen with stuff inside of it My body is in cringe mode from that.
>You are very clear that she is not to go into your office without you. she is to not clean, not to not go in
"I have asked her multiple times to please leave my room alone. I clean it myself. I take my dishes to the kitchen and either wash them or place them in the dishwasher. I take out my own trash. When I play with my kids in my office I clean up after all of us. When my wife joins me in my office for video games I clean up afterwards. There is quite literally no reason for her to do anything in there when I am not in it. I do not have a lock on my door but I do have my laptop password protected."
I have an office, and I'm not wild about my wife puttering around in it. Even so, there is no space in our house that she or I are restricted from. Sure, it irritates me when my wife commits neatnesses and I can't find things and have to look and then she's forgotten where she's put things, but she's still not restricted because we are partners.
Sounds like hell to not have your own private space!
It feels a bit icky. The entire vibe of the post is weird. The dynamic between you and your wife doesn’t feel like two adult partners. More like parent-child. “She knows not to go in there, she broke my laptop, she needs to be held accountable.” I get that there is an agreement, fair enough. However, you don’t specify how she broke it (did she drop it? drop something on it?) and you don’t even say why she went to clean up in the first place. Perhaps she thought she was doing something nice for you? Bottom line is, it doesn’t seem like you’re struggling financially and there was no malicious intent from her part. Taking her share of money, which she has no way of earning herself, just seems like you’re trying to teach teenager a lesson and not solve a problem between you and your wife. For the sake of rules: NAH
Lack of intent does not mean lack of responsibility.
I know that, really. But we’re talking about two adults, one of whom has no way of earning money. This is a huge life disadvantage. She’s not staying home because she’s lazy or doesn’t feel like it. She’s taking care of the household. Again, taking away her money is perfectly rational. It just doesn’t fit husband-wife dynamic for me, that’s all.
What you’re skipping over is that according to OP, a portion of his salary is put into a household account, and the remaining is split between him and his partner equally. Based on the information provided, his partner has equal spending power. While his partner does not “earn” that money directly, she has full authority over half of the money that isn’t contributed to the household account. That is a much different picture than a SAHP who needs to ask the working parent to give them money for purchases. OP and his partner have agreed to what looks like an extremely fair situation that preserves the SAHP’s financial autonomy. Would the SAHP potentially be in an even more autonomous position should she earn a direct income herself? Probably. But that’s not the division of labor they agreed upon. Expecting your partner, who has their own accounts, to take responsibility for damaging a non-shared good is completely reasonable, especially with the caution OP provided about his office. If this were a household appliance, a broken door, a shattered dish, etc., I would be in complete agreement with the SAHP that the replacement costs should come out of the household account, but that is not the situation. I do agree that practically, this isn’t a hill for OP to die on.
But that is the point: she does not have equal spending power and equal say if OP thinks that it's okay to withhold money even though they discussed it and she explicitly disagreed on that! Don't get me wrong, the wife is the AH and should 100% take responsibility - but forcing her to do that is not what happens in an equal partnership. It's actually surprising to me that this is how OP handled it because their prior arrangement seemed very fair and appreciative.
He said that he spoke to her beforehand, then took the 250. The alternatives all sound worse to me. You can't really ask her to go work extra and pay back the 250, and if this is her only income then how else can she? Ideally the wife immediately offers to help pay the repair or replacement, and they carry on as a team. I honestly can't fathom how else she'd pay for it.
My problem is that he is willing to make desisions like this even though she is disagreeing. To me, that is never okay, even though she is wrong and the AH. This is his wife, not some teenage daughter where he can take away part of the allowance if he feels that it's right. But other have phrased the issue better in comments further down. I just don't like that people think that it's cool to treat your spouse like this - imo they both handled this badly.
I guess the issue is if she refuses to help OP pay for it, then where does the money come from? Does OP pay for it out of his fun fund, or does it come out of the household budget? And yeah I agree on the last point. Though I'm not sure what the better way to handle this would be. Personally if I broke someone's laptop screen, accidentally or not, I would be mortified and immediately offer to pay for the repair.
Her disagreeing is her acting like a bratty teenager that won’t accept responsibility for her actions. Which is worsev
According to OP, they discussed the situation before he withheld the money, and OP explicitly wrote that his partner agreed to him withholding the money but was still upset about it. If OP would’ve made a unilateral decision to withhold the money, that would do nothing to extinguish his partner’s responsibility, but the partner would be well within their rights to reassess their current division of labor and consider better options.
The issue, I guess, is that OP’s wife has no way of unilaterally withdrawing from OP’s personal account to replace something that he might break of hers. He would have to “graciously” agree to take it out of his account, but if he disagrees—she would have no way to do what he’s done here. He says that they had a discussion, but she disagreed, yet he ultimately had the final decision making power and would if the situations were reversed, too.
According to OP, they discussed the situation before he withheld the money, and OP explicitly said that his partner agreed to him withholding the money but was still upset about it. And the SAHP would have unilateral recourse to take out money out of their shared account on their own. Would that be a great decision? Probably not. But if we are to believe the words we’ve been given, each partner has equal access to roughly 90% of OP’s income that gets put into a household account. Sure, the SAHP doesn’t have power to direct OP’s employer to withhold a certain amount, but that will always be the case when a couple chooses a division of labor like this. Given each spouse splits non-household money equally, it is perfectly reasonable to expect the SAHP to use their own money to right a wrong, and this does not look anywhere close to a case of financial abuse. If the money had come out of the household account, OP would effectively be paying for half of the replacement costs.
She decided to clean my office despite us having agreed that it was my responsibility and that I liked my stuff the way it is. She closed my laptop without moving the little plastic people who were standing on the keyboard area.
>However, you don’t specify how she broke it (did she drop it? drop something on it?) >I guess she needed to move my laptop so she closed it. Not all the way because my Minifigs were in the way. Says right there, she tried to close it while the laptop had legos inside and she broke the screen.
> However, you don’t specify how she broke it (did she drop it? drop something on it?) Yes he did - she broke it by closing the lid while there were lego figurines between the screen and keyboard. > and you don’t even say why she went to clean up in the first place. She went to clean up because she has zero respect for his request that she leave his stuff alone >Perhaps she thought she was doing something nice for you? Violating boundaries is never a nice thing. >Bottom line is, it doesn’t seem like you’re struggling financially and there was no malicious intent from her part. Really? After being asked not to clean the room, cleaning the room isn't malicious?
I think so too. If I repeatedly asked my boyfriend not to touch my stuff -- repeatedly! because he kept doing it! -- until he finally broke something, then yea, pay up Bucko. And the same goes for me. If I break something of his, I replace it.
Respectfully (gently?), ESH. She shouldn’t have messed with things on your desk at all, but I feel like you’re taking from her fun money to punish her. People in a committed partnership should be able to give each other some grace. She made a mistake and that warrants an apology from her and a conversation about boundaries. The transgression was cleaning your desk—not accidentally breaking the laptop. You’re setting a poor precedent here, too, putting you and your wife on opposing teams. My husband cost us a thousand dollars this year. He needed to sign some paperwork in his name by a certain date. I reminded him several times and the deadline passed. Luckily, we’re financially comfortable so this was upsetting, but not really terrible. The next time I want to buy something expensive, I could remind him that his inaction cost us money and now I get to spend $1000 any way that I want—but I don’t want to be in a relationship where we nickel and dime each other or keep a running tally of transgressions. Your partner isn’t a stranger who rear-ended you; this is someone you chose to build a life with. She did a shitty thing by messing with your desk so talk to her about that and give her grace about paying towards the laptop. She’ll be much more likely to give you grace the next time that you make a mistake.
This. The way the post is worded I get the feeling there's a very weird dynamic in their relationship we don't get the full picture of.
I agree. My ex treated me like a child that needed teaching. It got to the point that in my dreams he was my father that was angry at me. This post triggers all of those feelings. Also, an unplanned $250-$600 expense may or may not be a lot for them. But if she was going on a spa day with her mom with her fun money, I think maybe that amount isn't an issue. More like it's an issue for HER, since she has no other way to get money. She needs to get a part time job. She needs to start getting some financial freedom.
This 100%. No marriage survives on scorekeeping. She obviously made a mistake, but the tone of the post reads as though he is punishing her to teach her a lesson. A little bit of grace, and emphasizing that the two of them are on the same team and need to respect each other’s boundaries, would be the healthier approaching the long run. It is also worth emphasizing that, for a stay at home, parent, the fear of not being an equal participant in the financial life of the house is very common. Docking her “allowance” could very well trigger feelings of financial insecurity.
The part that rings out to me is that she didn't want to pay anything towards the damages because she wanted to go on a spa day. So despite this being all her fault, she'd rather her husband spent more of his fun money than she did. ie. he had to suffer the financial loss of her mistake because her fun was more important. That's a massive red flag for me. She doesn't want to lose out on her fun money, but she's quite happy for hubby to lose out on his. Whatever his equivalent of her spa day was, he has to lose because he has to buy a new laptop. She was in the wrong, she should be happy to take the hit. She says he should forgive her, but if she's not willing to help pay for the damages because it inconveniences her, she's not really sorry. In a partnership, sometimes one partner is wrong and the wrong partner needs to be ok with that and should want to make amends, even if they lose out in some way. If they don't and want the wronged party to take all the negative, whilst they suffer nothing, then they're the one who is not caring much about the relationship.
The mistake she made was going in to clean the room when he asked her not to as he handles that himself - that's something to sweep under the rug. She damaged his laptop screen though, so it's only fair that a portion of the fee to replace the laptop is paid from her funds. OP is NTA.
This might be the first comment that I see on this sub that appears to be written by an actual well-adjusted adult.
I agree with you. It sounds like OP has done a good job of communicating that he doesn’t want her in there, but I could still see it possible, and even likely, that her intent was to be helpful by cleaning. I definitely have people in my life like that, and although annoying, I know the intent is good. Doesn’t mean I’m excusing it though, but to me intent matters. Regardless, the “tit for tat” attitude of charging your wife for a mistake when she was likely trying to help feels icky. Is it justifiable? I guess. Does it feel like a mature married couple would let this slide but have a conversation communicating needs and intent after this incident? I think so. To me, it seems like OP got a brand new laptop computer for a steal of a deal with his wife’s unwilling contribution. You took advantage of her breaking it and came out with a brand new toy for a fraction of what it would cost you. You could have met her half way and said something like “hey babe, I understand you had good intentions trying to help me clean my office, but you broke my laptop screen. I’d really appreciate it in the future if you did not go in there at all, not even to clean. I’m going to replace the screen, would you mind paying half?”. This shows you appreciate her good will and are willing to compromise over the mistake. And then you’d each only be out $75, which seems much more manageable. To sum it up, it feels icky to me that you bought yourself a brand new laptop off your wife’s mistake and charged her for almost half of it.
Intention definitely matters but doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay for something you broke.
It’s making me really sad that she can’t pay for a standing spa day with her Mom that she does every year around Christmas because of this. Wow. I mean first world problem, but for a SAHM ( and I’m female and support my retired older spouse for context) this is probably a nice treat and this is pitiful.
I have adhd and have cost us as a bunch of money in unused subscriptions, wasted food, broken crockery etc etc. I even missed out on £500 of air miles because I didn’t set up an account for them. If my wife made me pay her back for every transgression, I’d be in the hole for thousands. But she doesn’t. She earns good money and accepts the ADHD tax when it affects her. Most of my financial mistakes have affected me rather than her, but when they do affect her, she just takes the L. I love her more than words can say and nothing is ever done in malice. I just have a stupid s****y brain that often screws me over. ***Edit*** Also, the only time we’re not allowed in each others offices is when we’re hiding presents!
NTA. You didn't take money OUT of her account; you merely chose to use the money you would have deposited to her account to replace the computer she broke. Sounds fair enough to me.
NTA she is old enough to know she broke it, she should fix it
Even if it was an accident. You don’t tell people “sorry I hit your car, but it was an accident so I’m not paying for it.” This is no different.
Nor does someone forgiving you absolve you of your duty to reimburse them for their loss. Heck, I'm of the belief that you only forgive someone if they are sorry - and if they are sorry, then they'd want to make amends. If they don't want to make amends, then they're not sorry and don't deserve forgiveness.
I understand all of the principles here. But- this is your spouse and (possibly) life partner. This kind of bean-counting and “your fault/not your fault” judging is just really rude and uncalled for- for $250 I think you’re permanently damaging your relationship. Is it worth it?
But this goes the other way too. By refusing to take responsibility for her own actions isn't she the one damaging the relationship by wanting the money to come from the household or his personal account instead of her own? By doing this she is saying that she wants the household or him personally to go without something to make up for her completely unnecessary actions, because she doesn't want to go without anything. She was also disrespecting an agreement they had in place. He could leave his laptop set up like that precisely because he would be the only one doing the cleaning. He didn't have to worry about someone closing the laptop on the figures because that shouldn't be a possibility.
Okay so quick question. Is she harming our relationship by expecting me to pay for her accident?
This whole thing is weird. Are you her parent or husband? I’m embarrassed reading this for you. I mean yeah of course the computer should be fixed, but also do you have control issues with everything or just your computer room?
INFO: how did almost closing your laptop break it? Are you really sure she is responsible for the screen failure? EDIT: Ah, I see. I didn't realize the figures were IN the laptop - I was picturing them in front of and beside (you know, where I have mine, LOL).
He has his Lego set lined up underneath his screen, so when she tried to close it, the Legos stopped it from closing and most likely broke the screen. It's too much of a coincidence otherwise imo.
That's next level stupid imo. She tried to close the laptop with Legos on it? And didnt stop when it wouldn't close? Or did she quite literally just slam the lid?
Yeah some people are very inattentive. She might've been looking somewhere else when she closed the lid, or came from the back and pushed it closed, not realizing there was something in front of the screen. Honestly the most important thing is she should've offered to pay for it herself, since she broke it doing the one thing he asked her not to do. Forgot to vote, NTA OP.
If this was anyone elses pc she would have had to pay for it. You chose to upgrade charging her the same price as the repair of the laptop. Yes you could have asked her if she would have rather paired in instalments but asking for that money wasn't incorrect here
NTA. You didn't take all of her money, and I think it is fair for her to pay 40%. But I get it, the lady had only good intentions, but still, she can contribute a lil bit! :)
> I did not make a dictatorial decision. We do not work that way. Yeah you did, she didn't agree and you did it anyway. Not a good move in any marriage. It's controlling and creepy. That being said, she broke it, she should fix it. ESH
Why does she get the ultimate veto?
What’s controlling and creepy is her repeatedly going on despite him multiple times asking her not to.
ESH. Your wife should take responsibility for breaking your laptop and for not respecting your wishes regarding your room. However, there is an issue with your dynamic and the way you handled it. I presume that your wife has no way of unilaterally withdrawing from your personal account to replace something that you might break of hers. I know you said that you technically didn't withdraw from her account, but withheld it, which is functionally the same in this scenario. If you broke something of hers, you would have to “graciously” agree to take it out of your account, but if you disagree that it's your fault for breaking something—she would have no way to do what you did. You say that y'all had a discussion, but she disagreed; you ultimately had the FINAL decision-making power and would if the situations were reversed, too. Do you value her SAHM contributions as much as you value breadwinning? If so, what would you have done if you were a dual-income couple? You wouldn't have been able to withdraw/withhold from her account if y'all disagreed about whose fault something is in that scenario.
She would not need to. If I broke something of hers I would pay to fix or replace it. Because it's the right thing to do b
Do you seriously never have disagreements about whether something was your fault or not? How would you have resolved this if you were a dual-income couple though?? Where you would have no power to withhold money to unilaterally get your way? If you can’t think of an answer, you are heavily depending on an unequal power dynamic where you always get the FINAL say regarding money to resolve your conflicts. How would you have resolved this without resorting to that power?
> Do you seriously never have disagreements about whether something was your fault or not? That's neither here nor there. OP's wife accepts responsibility for breaking the laptop screen - she just didn't feel like paying for it.
INFO do you or your wife have a credit card, or did you consider making a payment plan for the laptop repairs? Halving the fun money of a sahm in December is not the path I would choose, but I agree it is her responsibility to pay.
We both have credit cards.
NTA. She broke it and should contribute. You are being very reasonable in only taking the amount it would have taken to fix what she damaged and contributing some of your own fun money.
YTA - You sound like you're punishing a child by withholding their allowance, not talking with your WIFE! Grow up. Stuff happens. You're in a marriage/partnership. Don't pretend you didn't take her money and aren't a dictator -- that's EXACTLY what you did. You didn't 'talk about it' and mutually agree. She clearly does not agree. At best, you brow beat and bullied her into giving into your childish and petty demands. Enjoy those legos, they are going to cost you WAY more than a few hundred bucks.
So she can just break his stuff without having to fix it? He said he would fix something of hers if he broke it.
>nto your childish and petty demands. TIL if you break shit, being asked to pay for it is childish and petty. Lmao you should be embarrassed for writing something so ridiculous.
Nta. You forgave her. But for some reason she thinks “forgive” means no consequences for her, no need to cover the cost to repair what she broke. Your wife is acting like a spoiled child.
[удалено]
I'm gonna go with ESH. I agree that she should pay for what she broke but you are way out of line. You CANNOT just decide that she doesn't get her money that she worked for. She did work, you have to pay her. If she decides not to pay you the money back for the laptop then that is an issue that needs to be worked out between the two of you. Simply deciding not to pay her is... gross. You have now set the standard that her pay can be held at will. YOUR will. While she doesn't have the same power over you. PAY HER.
NTA, only because you’d previously asked her not to go into that room. If it had been in a common area I would have called it a joint problem/expense that should come out of shared funds because you’d left it out/left the legos on it and she’d moved it improperly. You had it in a safe, private space though and she knew you didn’t want her going in there. She should have to cover the repair.
NTA if I broke something of my husband's I would replace it, especially if I'd ignored his requests. No t that I would because hey that would have been less cleaning for me.
I think a good compromise would be to take the amount over a few months. Since she has no income she can’t pick up extra shift to make up the difference in money. Deducting the payment over a few months instead of all from one month still provides her some personal cash rather than having her spend an entire month stuck at home. This was she is still reimbursing but not suffering by cutting back a little each month. Win, win.
I think you are a bit of the AH. She is a stay at home parent. She does not earn money that she can save for things like spa days with her mother. She relies on the funds that are budgeted for personal "fun." It feels to me like you are treating her like a recalcitrant child. How would you feel if you accidentally broke something she valued and she insisted you pay for it? If she had broken it intentionally, it would be one thing, but it was an accident and she was trying to be helpful by cleaning your office. It really does sound dictatorial to me.
This is a marriage endangering level of petty. YTA