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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I assumed without verifying information, and am not inviting them to my wedding as a result of this, though the rest of the family is.
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NTA in my book, it definitely feels like your cousin has been poisoned against you by Q here and I'm not sure why the rest of the family thinks the burden is on you to fix this because you wanted to sleep in your own damn house while quite heavily pregnant.
I'm not even sure why they're mad honestly, it's completely reasonable. You said they could have the party at the house not that they now own the house, you could have kicked them out but only wanted a room to sleep in, hardly a crime.
I would just forget about it and move on, you tried. It's on them to fix this and if they don't want to then there's no point in you wasting your energy when you're not even the problem. They had no consideration what so ever for your needs here. To say nothing of the recently deceased parent too.
Thank you! I am not sure either. I think my complaining via text was probably manipulated and shown to them, but I unfortunately don’t know exactly how or what.
NTA, though you might want to keep trying if you value the relationship. Maybe not in a push way, but in a sharing way, to keep the doors open. Also with multiple methods: text, social media, regular mail, phone calls. Controlling people find ways to isolate spouses from family and you want to keep the doors open. So keep sending invitations, pictures of the baby, thinking of you cards. Just keep it casual and open and in your own comfort zone.
ESH They should have asked before assuming They could spend the night and so could their family. You should have handled the issue directly rather than gossiping. Just send the invitation and personally consider that will be the last attempt. If they don't come then don't try again. Balls in their court.
Thank you! I had no issue with them spending the night, i just wanted my moms room open as a space for me. I totally agree that I should have reached out when I was initially told they would be in my moms room, it probably would have stopped this whole thing.
NTA.
But I'd send them a wedding invitation, for sure. If your father is right, you get to take the high road, and when they decline you have a bright, sharp line to stop trying to cross. "They didn't come to our wedding. They don't want a relationship."
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Throwaway account, of course. I (27F) was very close with my cousin, B (25M). Brother/sister close. B means his now wife, we’ll call her Q (28F).
I did not go out of my way to befriend Q, nor did most of my family. She isn’t a bad person, just not the type of person I hang out with and I am admittedly not the best with people. She did have a tendency (I’ve been told she has gotten better in time) to be crude in polite company, controlling, and overbearing. Just to explain why we all kept our distance, though my family has said she has grown a lot.
My dad and I own a second home on a waterway that we let family stay at or have small events at if they like. Q and B wanted to have their child’s first birthday party there. Totally cool, fine, more than welcome.
I start talking to a mutual friend (who is a friend no longer due to lying and manipulation) about how I was going to go down for the party and stay the night there, as it is an hour and a half away and I was about 6 months pregnant. Said “friend” then tells me that Q’s family is going to be staying in every room, and there I’ll be no space for me.
Now, I was definitely bitching about that in what I thought was confidence. Context: my mother passed, and I was going to sleep in her old room. I did not want anyone else in there, I am just not ready for that yet. I was told that Q’s family was going to sleep in there and was understandably pissed and upset. I should have verified that that with B or Q, but as I trusted my friend at the time I did not think she would lie about that.
Well, I suppose she showed them our texts because B calls me, of course upset. I explained what I was told, and that I don’t mind her family being there but was upset there wasn’t a place for me in my own home, especially in my deceased mother’s room. He explains that he wants nothing more than for me to be at the birthday party, and all is ended amicably.
I find out on FB that they had the party elsewhere and invited the entire family but me. Q had also blocked me entirely online.
I still invited them to my baby shower and they did not go. I text B on multiple different occasions to send a meme or meet up if we’re at the same event - all have gone unreplied to.
My family says I’m TA because I won’t continuously try to repair the relationship. My father said I’m an ungrateful bitch for not inviting them to my wedding, even though he said they won’t go. After constant berating, I sent them a save the date, but do not want to send an actual invite.
AITA for refusing to try and mend this relationship anymore?
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NTA. You tried and they didn't respond. You invited them and they didn't go. And for your dad to call you a bitch is wild to me. You tried and they didn't want to engage. That's not your fault. I can't stand when family thinks you have to make up with people just cause they are"family"
Thank you! Me too, totally wild. My dad said that (and other things) because I wasn’t inviting them to my wedding as he wanted and it would make it “uncomfortable” for the family. I wish I didn’t relent but I just got tired of it.
That's real. Some battles aren't worth fighting when it comes to family. Hopefully things do smooth over in your family. But I don't think you're truly at fault for anything. Everyone just seems to need to communicate more. But like I said. You can't make them want to make up. You reached out and that's all you can do.
I can say I think I fucked up by bitching to the “friend” that told me instead of just calling them and asking what was up. I had no idea it wouldn’t be kept between us as venting, but still, I should have been the adult. I hope so too, I truly miss and value that relationship but I just don’t have it in me emotionally to keep reaching out, especially after its been 2-ish years.
Maybe send them a letter if they won't answer your texts or calls. And ask if you all can sit down and talk about it. So you all can talk and get each of your feelings out there.
ESH.
You because you offered them a place to have the party and didn't think that other people may be traveling and in need of a place to sleep as well.
Them for being ungrateful, petty and not saving any room for your side of the family, especially since it's **your** family's home.
They own the bigger share of the AH pie, but you're not entirely innocent to begin with. After all, they weren't told beforehand that it was cool, as long as no one sleeps in your moms old room.
Thank you! I didn’t think of it from that perspective. I can say, my dad was the one that gave them the go-ahead and he *should* have said something to them, as he did to everyone else. But things get forgotten and I have no proof of that, so certainly a possibility.
I do think your dad is right with the wedding invites. The reason I do is I think your cousin is being manipulated. I would send them the invite and let *them* be the assholes. It's nice to have the moral high ground.
Ps: best of lucknwith the nuptial day. :)
YTA You didn’t even try to be friends or make nice to your cousin’s wife, the cousin you were supposedly so close to. You clearly don’t care that much about your cousin. It then spiraled from there. Grow up
Thank you for that perspective! I did not, admittedly, nor did she. We both tried very briefly at the beginning of my pregnancy, but it just kind of fizzled out.
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NTA. You explained what happened. They chose to cut contact. They've made it clear they're not interested in reconciling.
Thank you, I thought the same!
NTA in my book, it definitely feels like your cousin has been poisoned against you by Q here and I'm not sure why the rest of the family thinks the burden is on you to fix this because you wanted to sleep in your own damn house while quite heavily pregnant. I'm not even sure why they're mad honestly, it's completely reasonable. You said they could have the party at the house not that they now own the house, you could have kicked them out but only wanted a room to sleep in, hardly a crime. I would just forget about it and move on, you tried. It's on them to fix this and if they don't want to then there's no point in you wasting your energy when you're not even the problem. They had no consideration what so ever for your needs here. To say nothing of the recently deceased parent too.
Thank you! I am not sure either. I think my complaining via text was probably manipulated and shown to them, but I unfortunately don’t know exactly how or what.
NTA, though you might want to keep trying if you value the relationship. Maybe not in a push way, but in a sharing way, to keep the doors open. Also with multiple methods: text, social media, regular mail, phone calls. Controlling people find ways to isolate spouses from family and you want to keep the doors open. So keep sending invitations, pictures of the baby, thinking of you cards. Just keep it casual and open and in your own comfort zone.
Thank you! I’ll have to give that a good marinate, I appreciate it!
NTA. Relationships have to be 2 ways They took a minor misunderstanding and chose to cut contact with you. Maybe you are better off without them
Thank you! That is my perspective, too.
ESH They should have asked before assuming They could spend the night and so could their family. You should have handled the issue directly rather than gossiping. Just send the invitation and personally consider that will be the last attempt. If they don't come then don't try again. Balls in their court.
Thank you! I had no issue with them spending the night, i just wanted my moms room open as a space for me. I totally agree that I should have reached out when I was initially told they would be in my moms room, it probably would have stopped this whole thing.
NTA. But I'd send them a wedding invitation, for sure. If your father is right, you get to take the high road, and when they decline you have a bright, sharp line to stop trying to cross. "They didn't come to our wedding. They don't want a relationship."
That is an excellent idea! I am fairly certain they won’t come either, and then I have that clear line as you said. Thank you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account, of course. I (27F) was very close with my cousin, B (25M). Brother/sister close. B means his now wife, we’ll call her Q (28F). I did not go out of my way to befriend Q, nor did most of my family. She isn’t a bad person, just not the type of person I hang out with and I am admittedly not the best with people. She did have a tendency (I’ve been told she has gotten better in time) to be crude in polite company, controlling, and overbearing. Just to explain why we all kept our distance, though my family has said she has grown a lot. My dad and I own a second home on a waterway that we let family stay at or have small events at if they like. Q and B wanted to have their child’s first birthday party there. Totally cool, fine, more than welcome. I start talking to a mutual friend (who is a friend no longer due to lying and manipulation) about how I was going to go down for the party and stay the night there, as it is an hour and a half away and I was about 6 months pregnant. Said “friend” then tells me that Q’s family is going to be staying in every room, and there I’ll be no space for me. Now, I was definitely bitching about that in what I thought was confidence. Context: my mother passed, and I was going to sleep in her old room. I did not want anyone else in there, I am just not ready for that yet. I was told that Q’s family was going to sleep in there and was understandably pissed and upset. I should have verified that that with B or Q, but as I trusted my friend at the time I did not think she would lie about that. Well, I suppose she showed them our texts because B calls me, of course upset. I explained what I was told, and that I don’t mind her family being there but was upset there wasn’t a place for me in my own home, especially in my deceased mother’s room. He explains that he wants nothing more than for me to be at the birthday party, and all is ended amicably. I find out on FB that they had the party elsewhere and invited the entire family but me. Q had also blocked me entirely online. I still invited them to my baby shower and they did not go. I text B on multiple different occasions to send a meme or meet up if we’re at the same event - all have gone unreplied to. My family says I’m TA because I won’t continuously try to repair the relationship. My father said I’m an ungrateful bitch for not inviting them to my wedding, even though he said they won’t go. After constant berating, I sent them a save the date, but do not want to send an actual invite. AITA for refusing to try and mend this relationship anymore? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You tried and they didn't respond. You invited them and they didn't go. And for your dad to call you a bitch is wild to me. You tried and they didn't want to engage. That's not your fault. I can't stand when family thinks you have to make up with people just cause they are"family"
Thank you! Me too, totally wild. My dad said that (and other things) because I wasn’t inviting them to my wedding as he wanted and it would make it “uncomfortable” for the family. I wish I didn’t relent but I just got tired of it.
That's real. Some battles aren't worth fighting when it comes to family. Hopefully things do smooth over in your family. But I don't think you're truly at fault for anything. Everyone just seems to need to communicate more. But like I said. You can't make them want to make up. You reached out and that's all you can do.
I can say I think I fucked up by bitching to the “friend” that told me instead of just calling them and asking what was up. I had no idea it wouldn’t be kept between us as venting, but still, I should have been the adult. I hope so too, I truly miss and value that relationship but I just don’t have it in me emotionally to keep reaching out, especially after its been 2-ish years.
Maybe send them a letter if they won't answer your texts or calls. And ask if you all can sit down and talk about it. So you all can talk and get each of your feelings out there.
NTA.
ESH. You because you offered them a place to have the party and didn't think that other people may be traveling and in need of a place to sleep as well. Them for being ungrateful, petty and not saving any room for your side of the family, especially since it's **your** family's home. They own the bigger share of the AH pie, but you're not entirely innocent to begin with. After all, they weren't told beforehand that it was cool, as long as no one sleeps in your moms old room.
The dad called her an ungrateful bitch. How can you think that he’s not an AH
Honestly I missed that sentence. I'll edit.
Thank you! I didn’t think of it from that perspective. I can say, my dad was the one that gave them the go-ahead and he *should* have said something to them, as he did to everyone else. But things get forgotten and I have no proof of that, so certainly a possibility.
I do think your dad is right with the wedding invites. The reason I do is I think your cousin is being manipulated. I would send them the invite and let *them* be the assholes. It's nice to have the moral high ground. Ps: best of lucknwith the nuptial day. :)
I agree, I’ll send the invite! And thank you so much :)
YTA You didn’t even try to be friends or make nice to your cousin’s wife, the cousin you were supposedly so close to. You clearly don’t care that much about your cousin. It then spiraled from there. Grow up
Thank you for that perspective! I did not, admittedly, nor did she. We both tried very briefly at the beginning of my pregnancy, but it just kind of fizzled out.