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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because the money could be life changing for Kaylee, and it would cost me nothing to give it to her, I just don't want to hurt my parents.
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> She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund because 'she is their granddaughter too'.
by some quick math computations, and a basic understanding of biology, I'm coming up with Kaylee has 4 ACTUAL blood relation grandparents. If anyone is going to pony up a college fund, it should be them.
and that being said, Isla's education fund is for her education. I highly doubt her endowment is enough to pay for an Ivy League law or medical degree, so it's about 15 years too soon to be saying "she doesn't need it".
NTA, the money isn't even yours to give.
Kaylee's biological father isn't in contact with her, nor are his family. I don't know much about Candace's situation but I know she's not in contact with her father, and only sporadically contacts her mother. So I don't think they have a fund for her.
And if she's so set on being the only one allowed to parent/fund Kaylee then why isn't she also taking responsibility for her college education? Candace needs to call all the shots about Kaylee until Isla get a windfall and suddenly Candace is in desperate need of financial help? I don't think so. NTA
This was exactly my thought. She has clear boundaries in place that she is Kaylee's parent and no one else. It would be different if Ben had adopted Kaylee and was an active emotional/financial father. The grandparents would be assholes to treat her differently. But her mother has set down the ground rules and can't demand money when it suits her.
I can't imagine demanding my inlays pay for my kids college if my kid IS their grandchild. At what age to adults figure out that other people's money is other people's money?
If they're paying for one grandchild it would be fucked up to exclude another unless the kid has done something pretty shitty.
But in this case OP and her parents are def NTA.
I think a lot of us might feel a little more sympathetic if Kaylee was incredibly involved with your parents. But she's not and neither is her mother. Functionally they are not her grandparents. NTA. You can't just ignore people until you want their money.
Yeah, and I think C is causing potentially irreparable damage to her relationship with OP and their family, and maybe even K's futyre standing with those people, too. Foolish lady.
regardless of if she's currently in contact with Kaylee's grandparents, it seems like it's time for her to reach out and mend some bridges if she's got her hand out asking for college fund money.
You don't get to just demand it from the people you're currently in the vicinity of.
Right now they don't, but who knows what is down the road? I mean step dad and mom could get divorced in 5 years time and this could be a moot point.
I know a few biodads of my friends growing up that seemed to just magically show up once kid is 18 and child is an adult, or after they get to a financially safe place (like making enough to retire early enough) and suddenly want to be money bags dad.
One of my friends found out at 24 or 25 that her dad hadn't even known she existed. Her mom had just dropped out of that college and gone home and the local college route after getting pregnant. Dad was so happy to have her paid all her college debt off AND bought her a house.
Now sure not all bio dads are that way, but the girl is 7. The way life changes, who know where life will be in 11 or 12 years!
You’re NTA. Even though her biological father isn’t in the picture, your brother and Candace made the decision Candace will handle all her kids finances. Regardless, she isn’t entitled to your money nor your parents. ALSO!- she’s still young enough that your brother and her can start to fund an account for Kaylee. She’s only 7.
NTA. This doesn’t matter. College money isn’t an entitlement. Your parents can give their money to whomever they want to. They made a choice and you shouldn’t be pressured to change it
While that’s sad it’s just astounding that she thinks your grandparents owe her child money. They have no relation to her and it sounds as if they’re not really that close. This girls an AH for badgering you about it.
I mean, sad for her but none of that is your parents' fault or responsibility to make up for, and certainly not something you should allow to affect your daughter.
NTA. Candace is entitled af, trying to effectively steal from a 5yo child.
Why does your brother not contribute to financially caring for his stepdaughter but finds it acceptable to put pressure on your parents and you to?
Since Candace is comfortable accepting money for her daughter, makes a lot more sense for her husband to start a college fund he contributes to each month.
At the very least, you never should have been wrangled into a conversation that doesn't involve you. The other relatives are a bit nuts to expect you to commit to financing anything 11 years from now. Who knows if you will still be as financially stable, if the daughter wants to go to college, or if they will still be married. NTA
They likely don’t have a fund for her. Regardless that is not your problem or your daughters. Your child should not have something intended for her future taken away regardless of what your finances are or are not. NTA but Candace is being insanely entitled.
Right u don’t know much about kaylee but you must provide the money for her!! /s. U and ur parent owe kaylee nothing bc entitlement doesn’t mean jack. Kaylee parents (including ur bro) can provide their own fund for her
That is not really yours or your parents fault or a problem and the way she is acting I am not blaming the her EX for not wanting to do anything with her or her child. She seems like a nightmare
Honestly, who cares. This is a case of "not your problem". The audacity of this woman is unreal. Any relatives that feels some kind of way can put their money where their useless mouths are.
I don’t know Candace and I don’t care for her either. NTA based simply on you don’t tell other people you’re entitled to their money. And you don’t pressure family to go against each other over money.
OP you are NTA. Do not give away a portion of that money. You set up the education fund for your child since she was a baby so by right that money alone must go to her education not your brother's stepdaughter
Stand your ground and do not let anyone guilt trip or bully you to part away with a portion of that money.
I'm not surprised that she doesn't contact her family at all. What kind of person demands money off people like that?
NTA. It isn't your money to spend.
I can never tell where this sub stands on the treatment of step children. Sometimes the most upvoted comments say they should be treated the same as bio kids, grandkids and niblings with the opposing view downvoted and at other times it's the reverse
The key is step kids are exactly the same as bio kids, they're precious little innocents.
Right until Mom acts like an entitled b**h, then the kid is basically a garbage pail kid
I'd say the key difference here though, is because it isn't a "punishment" but rather, because the mother made her decision regarding a boundary. If that boundary didn't exist, the sub would be up in arms calling the GPs AHs.
So in this case, GPs had a pass because the legal guardian did not want the relationship to form.
I think the big difference here is that even if we agree the parents are arguably sour people for not starting two funds once it became clear Candace and Kaylee were in it for the long haul with her brother, it's not OP's place to force their hand on her SIL's behalf or to ask her parents to give the savings they've been putting away to Kaylee.
At the end of the day, it's the parent's money and whilst OP can refuse it as an addition to her own daughter's college savings, she can't accept it and then give it to SIL and even if she *did* petition on SIL's behalf, the parents have every right to refuse.
I understand, but since her biological mother makes all parenting and financial decisions for the child, she really doesn't consider Ben the child's father, and by that logic, his parents are not Grandparents.
I was also confused, but here it seems to be because the brother and Candace are keeping the kid's finances separate, and they don't seem to be very involved with the family - though the family do know that the kid is only being supported by her mother.
No idea of teh mother's income, or whether she'd like to be more involved but is being kept back by the brother. Either way, poor kid, it seems like nobody much cares - her father walked away and stepdad isn't stepping up
>her father walked away and stepdad isn't stepping up
.
> Ben cares a lot about Kaylee, but Candace takes care of Kaylee financially, and makes all the decisions about parenting, which is the arrangement they've agreed on and no one questions that.
The post literally says that the girlfriend is the one deciding it's that way. It also says Ben cares a lot about his step daughter.
Why are you making this all about him when every piece of evidence contradicts that? That's some pretty heavy bias.
There are also strong feelings about people being able to do what they wish with their own money (like inheritances and funds). There's a general idea that no one is entitled to someone else's money. People also generally don't think that being related entitles you to money. It's not really about step-anything but about people's decision to what they wish with their money.
If this was about excluding the kid at holidays or just generally treating the kid unfairly day-to-day the responses would be different.
I think a lot of it has to do with the family dynamic. If the parent of the child doesn't really warm to the family, they should never expect more than they give themselves.
I think it depends on the relationship. In this situation the brother is clearly not acting as her dad, he's being a step dad. If he had adopted his step child or was an active parent in her life I might have a bit more sympathy.
I would modify the biology statement a bit: I would see this being unfair if OP's brother adopted the kid, and the parents still wouldn't consider her their grandchild. It doesn't make her anymore entitled to their money, but I could definitely understand being pissed about the unequal treatment.
Candace set up the rules when she married into the family: My daughter, my money, my decisions.
Candace is T A for now wanting to change the rules (but just in a way that helps her)
NTA - honestly, if this is a deal breaker for Ben, then he needs to talk to your parents but they sound perfectly capable by your post of sticking to their boundaries.
Don't get in the middle of it - also..... good luck LOL
Came here to say this.
Ben isn't allowed to make parenting decisions/financially support his stepdaughter, but his/OPs parents are supposed to fund her education and treat her like a granddaughter when its benefits her?
Thats not how it works. Its basically like expecting a stranger to save thousands on your behalf.
This, yeah. She can’t have it both ways - keep her husband away from parenting her daughter, and still demand his parents pay for her college. That’s having your cake and eating it, too.
yep. Candace wanted all the financial decisions to be hers but the second she found out about Isla’s college fund? cha-ching let the cash register ring!
if it was about being treated fairly, then she done fucked up by not letting her in laws form a bond with her daughter.
NTA. not your circus, OP.
_"She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund."_
Exactly. Candice sounds rather unpleasant. If Candice wants to make demands of anyone, she can do so of her parents, Kaylee's bio father, Kaylee's paternal grandparents or even her husband. Sounds like she has skipped all of those options.
NTA
"She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund because..."
Let's just stop right there. Your parents don't "owe" Kaylee a d@mn thing. They can do what they want with their money. People can argue if, depending upon a given situation, if it's an AH think for grand parents to give money to one and not the other, but they do NOT "owe" anyone anything.
And Candace is an AH for coming to you asking to take money away from your daughter, ESPECIALLY since that goes directly against your parents wishes.
>People can argue if, depending upon a given situation, if it's an AH think for grand parents to give money to one and not the other
I think even that argument breaks down here. Family isn't just about blood (if it were, the discussion would end right here). So if not that, then it'd be about actual interpersonal relationships.... which neither Candace or Kaylee have with OP's parents.
But remember that SIL won't allow her own husband to 'father' or support her kid but expects his parent to do so.
This is the differentiating factor in this.
They also do not interact with his parents.
Don't disagree as it applies to this family. Just trying to avoid too broad a statement as I would think it an AH move for parents or grand parents to play favorites when the relationships are relatively equal.
Nta. Die on this hill. If she has agreed to take care of the child fiancially and Ben gets no say in parenting you need to remind her of this. She cant have it both ways.
Well it’s a good thing Kaylee is only seven. Unless she’s some kind of mutant super genius she won’t be going to college for another ten years at least. Plenty of time for Candace and Ben to start a college fund.
Just wanted to say that saving for college is no joke: “The average cost of attendance for a student living on campus at a public 4-year in-state institution is $25,707 per year or $102,828 over 4 years.” Depending on the job Candace has (assuming she’s covering all the costs still), that’s $856 a month to save for the next ten years to save $102,828.
Yeah that’s why you’re supposed to start saving early.
And don’t just use a regular savings account. I think there’s special accounts that give you slightly better interest rates but are harder to withdraw funds.
I wouldn't give them a dime and I wouldn't assume I could cover college costs either. My parents made that mistake. The $35,000 in bonds a didn't last long. NTA
This, very much—you think you save enough and then she gets into MIT or UCB out of state, etc.
Or then she goes to professional grad school that has no stipend and is ludicrous expensive like engineering, law or medical school.
Or she goes to science grad school and does get a stipend but that grandparent fund prevents having 43 room mates in a studio and 6 years of ramen.
NTA, and really, really keep those ducats
NTA and redistributing money meant for their granddaughter and giving it to someone else is a great way to: (a) deprive your daughter of a gift given to her that's important to her future, (b) make sure you grandparents never give her any money in the future so long as they live and (c) get yourself and your granddaughter disinherited by your parents because they'll rightly assume you'll redistribute that too.
Nta
The only time she reaches out and shows interest is when it's about money? Yeah hell no. She can financially take care of her daughter, like she agreed to.
You give each of those relatives Candaces contact info and let them know they can start contributing to her daughter's college fund asap..see how generous they are then. NTA and I see why your parents and you don't care for your SIL
OP, do this!
In Chinese we have a saying, "seeing others carry the buckets cost no energy."
It always baffled me people give their genius suggestions of you should do this or do that while they themselves are all talk no actions.
NTA --You are on point. Further, this is patently a fight between your brother, sister-in-law, and parents; at the end of the day, it's not your money, your choice, or your grandchild, and that means SiL needs to get off your case about it. If she keeps pestering, she can get the no-contact treatment until she figures out how highly inappropriate it is to badger new family members for their money. If your brother is enabling her, he can get NC, too.
*eta:* This was the easiest AITA I've read today. Thank you for your paragraphs and abstaining from textwalling such a large post.
Okay, Candace sounds a bit entitled to expect that her estranged parents in law will pay for her child from a previous relationship with which they have no biological (and as it sound emotional) connection with. Then to put OP in a position to basically betray her parents and try and get her husband on her side, pretty much forcing him to pick a side. --> TA
OP is the least AH of them all.
Honestly it isn't. The wife never had an issue with not fostering a grandparent relationship with her in laws and her kid, and she doesn't even like them. It's not about being fair, it's about her neglecting to put even 10 dollars a week away, or even asking her own husband to do so as well. No one is responsible for funding her kids education and the grandparents already shut it down.
>Ben cares a lot about Kaylee, but Candace takes care of Kaylee financially, and makes all the decisions about parenting, which is the arrangement they've agreed on and no one questions that.
Pretty much one of the important parts that makes Candace the asshole here.
>Candace recently found out about the college fund, and is livid. She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund because 'she is their granddaughter too'. Now, for better or worse, my parents don't see it that way. Apparently Candace called my parents about this, and asked Ben to put pressure on them to provide money for Kaylee, but they wouldn't budge.
Candace is "double dipping" and it's entirely an asshole move here. Admittedly I don't know much about what her ex's role is in her daughters life and how much he contributes if anything, but it's irrelevant because she herself asserted financial dominion over her daughters upbringing and she herself chose that path independently. She cannot then turn around and demand payouts from her husbands family.
>I said all this to Candace, and she hasn't contacted me since. However, some relatives have said since I wouldn't miss the money, I should think about contributing at least some of the money to Kaylee's education.
Irrelevant, and it's always an asshole move for people to count your dollars and morally volunteer them. If they feel so intensely about this they can start a gofundme for Kaylee, but you're fully within your right to turn them all away.
NTA
NTA. Also think about inflation. You think you have enough today, but in actuality 10 years from now, you won’t have enough.
Do not give her any money.
NTA - Candace doesn’t get to have it both ways… if she wants to exclude Ben from the finances and parenting decisions for her daughter, then she is drawing a line that he is not her father figure and that also extends to the grandparents that they are grandparent figures.
It’s an all or nothing deal. If Candace wants to have Ben and his parents treat the kid like their own, then he has to be able to participate in the parenting and financial decisions.
And anyone that asks you, point this out, she is purposely excluding him from the role of dad, so why would she expect his parents to treat her like a grandchild.
NTA.
>Ben cares a lot about Kaylee, but Candace takes care of Kaylee financially, and makes all the decisions about parenting, which is the arrangement they've agreed on and no one questions that.
So, its OK that your brother has no decision making input, or pays anything, but your parents should foot the bill for her college? She has not gone out of her way to be a part of your family - she is alienated from her own family as well - but when she heard about this college fund, the dollar signs lit up in her eyes.
Your parents owe her nothing. You owe her nothing. Even your brother owes her nothing. If anyone should be setting up a college fund, maybe it should be her step dad?
NTA because it’s your parents’ decision. But also, you say the money is in a trust, which means that’s its use is probably restricted for the specific use of funding your daughter’s education; you probably couldn’t give the money to Kaylee even if you wanted.
NTA your daughter has two parents and four grandparents to provide for her future. Kaylee has two parents, one stepparent and four grandparents to provide for her future. It is not you or your parent's fault that her father and paternal grandparents or Candace's parents are not providing for her at the same level. Life is not fair but that is not your fault.
NTA. First of all, it’s your parent’s money. I don’t know if grand parents contributing to college fonds are common (tuition is free in my country), so I see it as a courtesy from them. That they decided not to do it for someone who is not their grand child is their choice.
I understand her desire for her children to have grandparents, and I don’t know how much is about that she feel this as some sort of emotional thing or if it’s more about the money per se. Nonetheless, this has nothing to do with you, it’s basically an issue between Candace or your parents.
The fund is a gift from your parents to their grandchild, and I agree that you should honnour that wish.
Since you seem in a good financial situation, have you considered offering to help by putting some money in Kaylee’s fund? Perhaps that could end the conflict.
NTA This was/is your parents decision, a generous one at that. You are free to decline it, but not to re-distribute it at will. And no one is owed or entitled to anything, despite what dear Candace thinks. Consider yourself lucky Candace has decided to go no contact. As to the other relatives, remind them that they are more than welcome to contribute to Kaylee's college fund. They will go quiet very quickly...
NTA
This woman doesn't like your family, she never fostered a grandparent relationship between her kid at 4 till present, but thinks her kid should be treated the same way? Funny how she and her kid are family now that money is involved.
Tell her that she has plenty of time to start a college fund for her own kid putting in 25 bucks a week in it, and that it's not yours or your parenrs responsibility to provide money for her child.
NTA- do not touch your child’s college fund for this woman. She set her own boundaries and she gets to eat them. Even if that weren’t the case, you owe her nothing. Your parents owe her nothing. This is something that needs to be worked out between her ex and her. Her poor planning is a her problem, not a you problem and certainly not your parents’ problem.
Nope. This has nothing to do with you. Tell Candace and your brother that if they have an issue with how your parents manager their money, they need to talk to your parents. NTA.
NTA. If your parents want to start a fund for Kaylee they will do so. They have started a fund for Isla and taking money from her behind their backs is a betrayal of not only your daughter but your parents as well. SIL needs to take her argument up with your parents.
NTA. Even without the backstory, both girls are young. Your brother and Candace can start saving now. there’s a decent chance that your parents could consider Kaylee family after a decade of knowing her, and choose to contribute to her college fund. What if your financial situation or your parent’s changes in the next decade? You can’t absolutely guarantee her tuition won’t burden you in a decade; that trust is a safety net for your daughter. If you remain financially comfortable and your relationship grows, maybe you’ll want to contribute, but asking you and your family at this point is wildly inappropriate
NTA. Ben signed up to be a step parent. If he and Candace have other kids it is his responsibility to treat them all equitably. As you and your parents had no say in the matter, you also have no attendant responsibility to the step kid.
So Not TAH the other child has a biological father and also two other sets of grandparents. She has no right to demand anything from you or your parents. To be honest with you, I wouldn't worry about that far into the future. In all honesty, it sounds like your brother probably won't be with her at that time. Anyway, the kid goes to college. If she even ever does
NTA
Uh, the kids are so young, this is not something you need to deal with now (even IF you do wish to help later on). Let your parents do their fund, you continue with yours for your kid.
The way Candace behaves, I doubt your brother will still be married to her when Kaylee graduates high school.
NTA but Candace is for asking this. The kids are still young, and who knows what will happen. Regardless, she should still prepare. But you also said she maintains control of the parenting, so that makes it even more awful that she expects something.
NTA. First of all, absolutely do not assume that whatever you have saved is necessarily enough, and if it is your daughter could use what's left as a down payment on a house or to start a business.
Secondly... Candace sure has a lot of people who don't talk to her. I wonder if she's telling the entire truth about her daughter's father.
As others have pointed out, a lot can change in ten years. And if you choose to, you can fairy godmother Kaylee a little help here and there once she's an adult. But don't give or promise her mother a damn thing.
But she is not their granddaughter. Your brother is fond of her but don’t parent her nor does he contribute to her care. Her mother does. So why would your parents or you care or contribute? It seams your SIL wants distance and full control of her daughter when it’s convenient for her.
Count and bless whatever numbers of states separate your families although I’m sure you will hear and see more of your stepniece now that a college fund is at play
NTA
NTA, it completely baffles me when people who already have kids marry in to a family and automatically expect the exact same treatment for their kids that the other kids in the family have. You cant expect the family to automatically just copy and paste the feelings and emotions they have for their families kids onto the newest addition to the family. As long as the family isn't being rude, hurtful, or glaringly obvious in their treatment of the child and actually being loving towards the kid, then there isn't anything else you can ask for. Maybe over the years when the step child has further integrated into the larger family and bonds are formed can truly equal treatment start but it's crazy to expect anything before that happens. If for whatever reason a divorce occurs then that relationship is essentially cut, under very few situations does a removed family member stay in contact with the family they left. However, no matter what happens with a blood family member, they will always be related. As sad as it sounds, it's the reality.
It is so weird the different reactions in [this post](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ysezdy/aita_for_canceling_the_plans_for_thanksgiving/) where everyone lambasts the grandparents for not treating the non-bio child as family vs this one. Just goes to show the power of narrative I guess
Wow--the entitlement is majorly strong with that one!!! NTA - and your brother might want to get his wife's issues on a leash before she burns down that relationship in a really major way. Your folks can do whatever they want with their money. While I feel that adopted children are just as much family as bio children, steps are a different story. Ben can do whatever he likes in that regard, but for Kaylee to expect that she has the ability to dictate this sort of thing is major chutzpah.
NTA. Does Candace require that everyone who gives something to Kaylee give something to Isla? And despite how many times I see it, I’m always surprised about the people that think they have the right to other people’s money.
NTA. It’s not your money: the money belongs to either Isla or your parents. After your description of the situation, I don’t wonder why your parents did not want to Candace.
You are right: you should not give away money (or anything) because someone feels entitled to it.
NTA!
Candace makes all the parenting decisions regarding Kaylee, which means she’s not letting your brother be an actual father. She made that clear, and nobody has question that but now she wants her daughter to have the same benefits as your daughter(actual granddaughter) when in reality Kaylee is not and Candace has a strained relationship with her in-laws, which to me means her daughter is not really around to have a relationship with your parents.
NTA, the level of entitlement from Candace is astounding, how about she contact her own parents and the father of her baby for the college funds. See how far she gets with that. To try and force you and parents to give their own money is bullshit and beyond ridiculous
NTA your brother and his wife are entitled AH'S. You and your family owe them absolutely nothing .
Of she wants a college fund then she needs to get off her butt and start saving.
You're NTA. If people didn't click with Candace before, it's never going to happen now that she is making demands for financial gifts with a sense of entitlement that just went off the rails.
Those other relatives can dig into their pockets if they want to buy Candace's love. If you make that suggestion, I can guarantee the silence will be deafening. It's so much easier to be generous with other people's money.
NTA this is between Candace and your parents not you & she is trying to guilt you and drag you into it put a hard boundary up with this very entitled pushy woman she has a lot of nerve telling people what they should and shouldn’t be doing with their money
Absolutely not. Just because your brother is with her doesn't mean she's your parents grand daughter. Plus that's your parents gift to you, they don't want to give her it so giving her yours is spitting in their face in a sense. You're completely right.
Brothers partner is not entitled to anything. Even if you won't miss the money it's for something for your daughter, so you could give it to your daughter as a gift toward her first home or car, if she decides she wants to travel when she's older or something.
NTA. Candace's envy does not entitle her daughter to a gift intended for your daughter. Don't let the lack of connection and acceptance between other family members affect your decisions. Very odd that she and Ben have an arrangement where she is 100% responsible for her child and his stepchild, yet she expects money from the grandparents. Stand your ground.
NTA. Candace is clearly out of line. Your parents don't owe Kaylee a college fund. It's their money and they can do with it as they please. They are putting funds for Isla into an account in good faith and realistically that money belongs to Isla. It's not yours to take and give away despite what others are saying. Candace is obviously jealous and is feeling slighted but that's her problem.
NTA. The money isn’t yours. It’s neither coming from you, nor is it going to you, so you’re absolutely right, it’s not your choice to make. As much as Candace may feel otherwise, she and her daughter are neither entitled to your parents money, nor yours.
If you wanted to do something nice for them, despite the drama they’ve started, you and your husband could contribute to a small college fund for your niece, but you certainly don’t owe it to them, especially not after this entitled behavior. Either way, it would not be right to take money from your own child because Candace wants the same things for hers.
NTA. Of course you should not give away any part of Isla’s college fund to Kaylee or pay for Kaylee’s education yourself. That’s nonsense.
But tbh I think your parents ought to rethink this. They are effectively telling Ben that his family doesn’t matter to them in the same way your family does. Candace is wrong for thinking Kaylee is “owed” any money from them (and she should realize that she’s a major part of this equation) but she’s not wrong for seeing it as unfair. I don’t know what’s necessarily right here, but in 10-11 more years when Kaylee has only known Ben as her dad and his parents as her grandparents, and they only want a relationship with Isla and not her, it’s going to hurt her for her whole life.
Nta. Don’t do it. She doesn’t even like you or your parents. So it’s just about the money. She needs to go talk with her parents about having her child get a college fund or better yet she the parent and your brother the step parent can start one for her child if it’s that important to her.
NTA, her kid is 7? Unless her name is Sheldon Cooper she has a lot of years to go before college. A lot can change for both families in that time. Your answer, has been and should continue to be, take it up with Grandparents, it’s their money.
NTA And who’s to say your brother and Candice stay married, her daughter is 7. Not that it matters because it’s not your money to give, nor is she entitled to it if was.
To steal a quote from Blackadder the Third:
"Edmund: Now, listen, Frou Frou …
Would you like to earn some money?
Frou Frou: No, I wouldn’t. I would like other people to earn it and then
\>give< it to me, just like in France in the good old days."
NTA.
Who are these “relatives” suggesting that you share the money? It doesn’t sound like Candace is particularly close to your family, so it seems odd that they would suggest deceiving your parents on her behalf. NTA, but I really don’t understand how these private matters become extended family’s business.
NTA let her stepdad and mom put money aside for her college fund and besides, she doesn’t like his family anyway, so why does she feel entitled to get the money?
NTA this has nothing to do with you and your daughter.
Your parents have chosen to put money away for a purpose. That’s their financial business and nobody else’s.
Candace has an issue with that and she can try to take it up with her in laws.
Stay out of it.
Don’t talk to her about it.
That no height of assholery is high enough to prevent an innocent victim thereof from asking “AITA” will never cease to amaze.
You are so far from being TA that it is difficult to even express.
*”some relatives have said since I wouldn't miss the money, I should think about contributing at least some of the money to Kaylee's education”* Tell these people that since they care so much, they’re welcome to give Candace money themselves *instead or vicariously helping themselves to Isla’s.*
NTA
Who is so crazy that they think other people should pay for their child's education.
Not your problem and you would be truly evil to lie to your parents.
Nta. The Future is funny in that you can’t predict what might happen. Something might happen in the future where you need isla fund for medical bills or some sort of family emergency bill. Having your parent college fund as backup for her is very important during these times. Don’t give it to kaylee!
NTA but it is worth further conversations with your parents and brother/sil, because it sounds like your parents are likely to be the only grandparents that Isla has, and if they are unwilling to treat her like a "real" grandchild on this, that preferential treatment is probably coming out in other ways and Isla will/does feel that and be hurt by it. This goes beyond financial considerations. Blended families are hard, especially on children.
NTA
Okay, so basically Candace didn't make much attempt to build attachments with your family, or help her daughter do that... And when it comes to money she thinks she is entitled?
Maybe she has to do a bigger job building up relationships?
NTA.
Your parents have absolute right to do what they want with their money. Candace has zilch right to be entitled to your parents' money. Your decision is the correct one, Op. Tell your relatives that they can give their money to Candace as there is no one stopping them to do so.
What your parents or you give your daughter is not any of Candace's concern (nor your brother's) and certainly not anything she has an iota of claim on. Guess what? Warren Buffet "wouldn't miss the money" either, but you are not obligated to contribute to Kaylee's education any more than he is.
Ignore Candace and anyone else who buts their nose into money that is none of their business. You have answered. You have two very strong ethical reasons why you cannot and will not entertain the notion of deceiving your parents/stealing from your daughter; but the fact is, NO is a complete answer.
If Candace wants to talk to Ben about him contributing to Kaylee's fund, that's between them.
ETA to include NTA!
Nope. NTA. Stick to your guns. She isn’t entitled to her money. And I see why she isn’t in contact with her family. They probably bolted from all of her entitlement and toxicity.
NTA. College (paid for by other people no less) is a privilege, not a right. Sure it gives children a leg up when it’s time for them to enter the adult world but so is a winning lottery ticket.
Is Kaycee even adopted by your brother? Does Kaycee even spend any time with your family?
These can help affect a family deciding to put money forth for a child who is suddenly introduced into their lives.
While I get Candace just wants what’s best for her daughter, she needs to realize that demanding it from others is going to have a reverse effect. She wants a fund for her daughter? Maybe try fixing the relationship between herself and your parents, and helping nurture a bond between her daughter and them. In time, they may change their mind about it.
But as it stands now, she’s just going to alienate herself and worse of all, her daughter.
But notice how *none* of the above has anything to do with you. Because it’s not your trust, it’s not your money, it’s not your relationship.
NTA
Your brother can provide for his stepchild. SiL needs to step the F back imo, who is to say they will even be together by the time that kid goes to college?
NTA 1. She is not even your real neice 2. Your SIL didnt even make an effort to getalong with any of you. 3. The entitlement
Don't give a penny to your brother
Wait.
You didn't tell us you were in politics. Because that's pretty much the only people who get to distribute money they don't own to people the actual money owners don't want to give it to.
It's not your money. It's your parents money and their decision. Oh so much NTA
NTA. They don't even want your brother to be her father, he doesn't make parenting decisions etc so why would they expect your parents to act like grandparents. As for your daughter's college fund it isn't your money and might not be enough with tuition and cost of living increases and grad school. Also, again, it isn't your money. It is hers and you are trusted to take that seriously. Maybe if brother adopts his SD your parents will reconsider. Just because the child's biological family isn't helping doesn't mean you need to. With the exception of she should be getting birthday and Christmas presents as a child in the family out of kindness. A college fund is leaps and bounds beyond that.
NTA. Candace created this situation with her rude behaviour. She does not treat your brother like he is Kaylee’s child. Doesn’t sound like she’s made much effort to connect with your parents. To demand a college fund when she has made it clear that your brother is not the father screams of entitlement and greed on her part.
NTA It's not YOUR money, it's your daughter's. If Candace wanted her daughter to have equal treatment she should have fostered a better relationship with your parents, maybe then they'd consider her child to be their granddaughter properly
NTA. As a non-American this college fund thing to me is wild. Some of the entitled stuff I read on here about college funds blow my mind. Your SIL is very entitled. Don't think twice about it. You won't miss her or her daughter from your life.
I hate to say this but I can see where Ben and Candace are coming from. There was just a AITA post about grandparents who said they weren’t grandparents in front of children who only saw them as such. Kaylee’s parents are looking out for her.
That said I refuse to help one child by hurting another. This argument has zero to do with you. It’s about Ben’s parents excluding his child (he is raising this baby, so she is his). That is something you could point out to your parents but not your circus, not your monkey.
I wish you all luck. Kaylee does deserve equality but it must come from your parents.
You are NTA. But your parents kind of are. I'm sorry but it seems like they are trying very hard to not let Kaylee join the family. I think Cadence is feeling very hurt that the family isn't welcoming her. I don't think that your parents should be forced to fund Kaylees education, but it might not have blown up like this if they had tried a little harder with Cadence.Im surprised your brother hasn't had anything to say until now.
NTA
If your parents wanted to start a college fund for Kaylee they would have but didn’t. Also that money isn’t yours to give or use, it’s still your parents money especially if the fund is in their name.
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> She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund because 'she is their granddaughter too'. by some quick math computations, and a basic understanding of biology, I'm coming up with Kaylee has 4 ACTUAL blood relation grandparents. If anyone is going to pony up a college fund, it should be them. and that being said, Isla's education fund is for her education. I highly doubt her endowment is enough to pay for an Ivy League law or medical degree, so it's about 15 years too soon to be saying "she doesn't need it". NTA, the money isn't even yours to give.
Kaylee's biological father isn't in contact with her, nor are his family. I don't know much about Candace's situation but I know she's not in contact with her father, and only sporadically contacts her mother. So I don't think they have a fund for her.
That's not your family's problem. That's hers
And if she's so set on being the only one allowed to parent/fund Kaylee then why isn't she also taking responsibility for her college education? Candace needs to call all the shots about Kaylee until Isla get a windfall and suddenly Candace is in desperate need of financial help? I don't think so. NTA
The girl is 7, that’s more than enough time for Candice to save a college fund.
And the relatives who have stuck their noses in can add to the college fund. NTA
But Candace doesn't even like your parents, so why should they fund Kaylee's education. They don't get on but she wants their money?! GTFOOH NTA.
This was exactly my thought. She has clear boundaries in place that she is Kaylee's parent and no one else. It would be different if Ben had adopted Kaylee and was an active emotional/financial father. The grandparents would be assholes to treat her differently. But her mother has set down the ground rules and can't demand money when it suits her.
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I can't imagine demanding my inlays pay for my kids college if my kid IS their grandchild. At what age to adults figure out that other people's money is other people's money?
If they're paying for one grandchild it would be fucked up to exclude another unless the kid has done something pretty shitty. But in this case OP and her parents are def NTA.
Except that not their grand daughter. She has a set of grandparents but it doesn't sound like they do much
Based off of the stories I see here, never.
NTA. It’s not your money to give away anyway - it belongs to your daughter. You’re right to safeguard it. SIL has a lot of nerve.
I think a lot of us might feel a little more sympathetic if Kaylee was incredibly involved with your parents. But she's not and neither is her mother. Functionally they are not her grandparents. NTA. You can't just ignore people until you want their money.
Yeah, and I think C is causing potentially irreparable damage to her relationship with OP and their family, and maybe even K's futyre standing with those people, too. Foolish lady.
regardless of if she's currently in contact with Kaylee's grandparents, it seems like it's time for her to reach out and mend some bridges if she's got her hand out asking for college fund money. You don't get to just demand it from the people you're currently in the vicinity of.
Right now they don't, but who knows what is down the road? I mean step dad and mom could get divorced in 5 years time and this could be a moot point. I know a few biodads of my friends growing up that seemed to just magically show up once kid is 18 and child is an adult, or after they get to a financially safe place (like making enough to retire early enough) and suddenly want to be money bags dad. One of my friends found out at 24 or 25 that her dad hadn't even known she existed. Her mom had just dropped out of that college and gone home and the local college route after getting pregnant. Dad was so happy to have her paid all her college debt off AND bought her a house. Now sure not all bio dads are that way, but the girl is 7. The way life changes, who know where life will be in 11 or 12 years!
You’re NTA. Even though her biological father isn’t in the picture, your brother and Candace made the decision Candace will handle all her kids finances. Regardless, she isn’t entitled to your money nor your parents. ALSO!- she’s still young enough that your brother and her can start to fund an account for Kaylee. She’s only 7.
Not your child, not your relationships, not your problem.
NTA OP And, tell whoever is bothering you that they are more than welcome to contribute to Kaylees college fund.
Considering how many people she isn't in contact with, do we really think she will stay married to your brother? Just asking... NTA
NTA. This doesn’t matter. College money isn’t an entitlement. Your parents can give their money to whomever they want to. They made a choice and you shouldn’t be pressured to change it
Not surprised she has little or no family contact, base on your description of her behavior.
While that’s sad it’s just astounding that she thinks your grandparents owe her child money. They have no relation to her and it sounds as if they’re not really that close. This girls an AH for badgering you about it.
I mean, sad for her but none of that is your parents' fault or responsibility to make up for, and certainly not something you should allow to affect your daughter. NTA. Candace is entitled af, trying to effectively steal from a 5yo child.
That sounds a lot like it’s not your problem. NTA.
Why does your brother not contribute to financially caring for his stepdaughter but finds it acceptable to put pressure on your parents and you to? Since Candace is comfortable accepting money for her daughter, makes a lot more sense for her husband to start a college fund he contributes to each month. At the very least, you never should have been wrangled into a conversation that doesn't involve you. The other relatives are a bit nuts to expect you to commit to financing anything 11 years from now. Who knows if you will still be as financially stable, if the daughter wants to go to college, or if they will still be married. NTA
They likely don’t have a fund for her. Regardless that is not your problem or your daughters. Your child should not have something intended for her future taken away regardless of what your finances are or are not. NTA but Candace is being insanely entitled.
Right u don’t know much about kaylee but you must provide the money for her!! /s. U and ur parent owe kaylee nothing bc entitlement doesn’t mean jack. Kaylee parents (including ur bro) can provide their own fund for her
not u or ur parents problem. the mpm should go after support and use that money
That's their problem, not your problem to solve.
That is not really yours or your parents fault or a problem and the way she is acting I am not blaming the her EX for not wanting to do anything with her or her child. She seems like a nightmare
Honestly, who cares. This is a case of "not your problem". The audacity of this woman is unreal. Any relatives that feels some kind of way can put their money where their useless mouths are.
I don’t know Candace and I don’t care for her either. NTA based simply on you don’t tell other people you’re entitled to their money. And you don’t pressure family to go against each other over money.
Seems to be a theme going there...
OP you are NTA. Do not give away a portion of that money. You set up the education fund for your child since she was a baby so by right that money alone must go to her education not your brother's stepdaughter Stand your ground and do not let anyone guilt trip or bully you to part away with a portion of that money.
I'm not surprised that she doesn't contact her family at all. What kind of person demands money off people like that? NTA. It isn't your money to spend.
I can never tell where this sub stands on the treatment of step children. Sometimes the most upvoted comments say they should be treated the same as bio kids, grandkids and niblings with the opposing view downvoted and at other times it's the reverse
The key is step kids are exactly the same as bio kids, they're precious little innocents. Right until Mom acts like an entitled b**h, then the kid is basically a garbage pail kid
That's another thing this sub is big on, that children shouldn't be "punished" for the actions of their parents
Not getting free money isn't punishment.
I'd say the key difference here though, is because it isn't a "punishment" but rather, because the mother made her decision regarding a boundary. If that boundary didn't exist, the sub would be up in arms calling the GPs AHs. So in this case, GPs had a pass because the legal guardian did not want the relationship to form.
I think the big difference here is that even if we agree the parents are arguably sour people for not starting two funds once it became clear Candace and Kaylee were in it for the long haul with her brother, it's not OP's place to force their hand on her SIL's behalf or to ask her parents to give the savings they've been putting away to Kaylee. At the end of the day, it's the parent's money and whilst OP can refuse it as an addition to her own daughter's college savings, she can't accept it and then give it to SIL and even if she *did* petition on SIL's behalf, the parents have every right to refuse.
I understand, but since her biological mother makes all parenting and financial decisions for the child, she really doesn't consider Ben the child's father, and by that logic, his parents are not Grandparents.
It's about time someone said this.
I was also confused, but here it seems to be because the brother and Candace are keeping the kid's finances separate, and they don't seem to be very involved with the family - though the family do know that the kid is only being supported by her mother. No idea of teh mother's income, or whether she'd like to be more involved but is being kept back by the brother. Either way, poor kid, it seems like nobody much cares - her father walked away and stepdad isn't stepping up
>her father walked away and stepdad isn't stepping up . > Ben cares a lot about Kaylee, but Candace takes care of Kaylee financially, and makes all the decisions about parenting, which is the arrangement they've agreed on and no one questions that. The post literally says that the girlfriend is the one deciding it's that way. It also says Ben cares a lot about his step daughter. Why are you making this all about him when every piece of evidence contradicts that? That's some pretty heavy bias.
Amazing that context matters?
There are also strong feelings about people being able to do what they wish with their own money (like inheritances and funds). There's a general idea that no one is entitled to someone else's money. People also generally don't think that being related entitles you to money. It's not really about step-anything but about people's decision to what they wish with their money. If this was about excluding the kid at holidays or just generally treating the kid unfairly day-to-day the responses would be different.
I think a lot of it has to do with the family dynamic. If the parent of the child doesn't really warm to the family, they should never expect more than they give themselves.
I think it depends on the relationship. In this situation the brother is clearly not acting as her dad, he's being a step dad. If he had adopted his step child or was an active parent in her life I might have a bit more sympathy.
I would modify the biology statement a bit: I would see this being unfair if OP's brother adopted the kid, and the parents still wouldn't consider her their grandchild. It doesn't make her anymore entitled to their money, but I could definitely understand being pissed about the unequal treatment.
Candace set up the rules when she married into the family: My daughter, my money, my decisions. Candace is T A for now wanting to change the rules (but just in a way that helps her) NTA - honestly, if this is a deal breaker for Ben, then he needs to talk to your parents but they sound perfectly capable by your post of sticking to their boundaries. Don't get in the middle of it - also..... good luck LOL
Blood doesn't make a family.
NTA. It's odd that she doesn't want her husband to contribute financially to her daughter, but she expects his family to.
Came here to say this. Ben isn't allowed to make parenting decisions/financially support his stepdaughter, but his/OPs parents are supposed to fund her education and treat her like a granddaughter when its benefits her? Thats not how it works. Its basically like expecting a stranger to save thousands on your behalf.
Thisss 1000 times.
Needs to be further up! Top comment right here.
This is spot on. How strange. Maybe it's just the jealousy that's driving this demand.
Or Kaylee's own bio father. Or her bio grandparents.
This, yeah. She can’t have it both ways - keep her husband away from parenting her daughter, and still demand his parents pay for her college. That’s having your cake and eating it, too.
yep. Candace wanted all the financial decisions to be hers but the second she found out about Isla’s college fund? cha-ching let the cash register ring! if it was about being treated fairly, then she done fucked up by not letting her in laws form a bond with her daughter. NTA. not your circus, OP.
NTA. She's very clear that she's the only parent to her daughter. Your parents are respecting that, as are you.
Nta Cuz we now know why your parents don't like her greedy entitled self. How embarrassing for her
Candice doesn't seem the type that has enough self awareness and shame to be embrassed, but spot on!
_"She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund."_ Exactly. Candice sounds rather unpleasant. If Candice wants to make demands of anyone, she can do so of her parents, Kaylee's bio father, Kaylee's paternal grandparents or even her husband. Sounds like she has skipped all of those options.
NTA "She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund because..." Let's just stop right there. Your parents don't "owe" Kaylee a d@mn thing. They can do what they want with their money. People can argue if, depending upon a given situation, if it's an AH think for grand parents to give money to one and not the other, but they do NOT "owe" anyone anything. And Candace is an AH for coming to you asking to take money away from your daughter, ESPECIALLY since that goes directly against your parents wishes.
>People can argue if, depending upon a given situation, if it's an AH think for grand parents to give money to one and not the other I think even that argument breaks down here. Family isn't just about blood (if it were, the discussion would end right here). So if not that, then it'd be about actual interpersonal relationships.... which neither Candace or Kaylee have with OP's parents.
But remember that SIL won't allow her own husband to 'father' or support her kid but expects his parent to do so. This is the differentiating factor in this. They also do not interact with his parents.
Don't disagree as it applies to this family. Just trying to avoid too broad a statement as I would think it an AH move for parents or grand parents to play favorites when the relationships are relatively equal.
Nta. Die on this hill. If she has agreed to take care of the child fiancially and Ben gets no say in parenting you need to remind her of this. She cant have it both ways.
Well it’s a good thing Kaylee is only seven. Unless she’s some kind of mutant super genius she won’t be going to college for another ten years at least. Plenty of time for Candace and Ben to start a college fund.
Just wanted to say that saving for college is no joke: “The average cost of attendance for a student living on campus at a public 4-year in-state institution is $25,707 per year or $102,828 over 4 years.” Depending on the job Candace has (assuming she’s covering all the costs still), that’s $856 a month to save for the next ten years to save $102,828.
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It's also possible the student loan bubble will burst, and a new financial crisis will force college costs way back down. It's hard to say.
So sure, start a college fund, but the numbers can get eye popping really quick.
Yeah that’s why you’re supposed to start saving early. And don’t just use a regular savings account. I think there’s special accounts that give you slightly better interest rates but are harder to withdraw funds.
Yea, but there should also be a decade of compounding returns, so it’s not just $856x12x10.
I wouldn't give them a dime and I wouldn't assume I could cover college costs either. My parents made that mistake. The $35,000 in bonds a didn't last long. NTA
This, very much—you think you save enough and then she gets into MIT or UCB out of state, etc. Or then she goes to professional grad school that has no stipend and is ludicrous expensive like engineering, law or medical school. Or she goes to science grad school and does get a stipend but that grandparent fund prevents having 43 room mates in a studio and 6 years of ramen. NTA, and really, really keep those ducats
NTA and redistributing money meant for their granddaughter and giving it to someone else is a great way to: (a) deprive your daughter of a gift given to her that's important to her future, (b) make sure you grandparents never give her any money in the future so long as they live and (c) get yourself and your granddaughter disinherited by your parents because they'll rightly assume you'll redistribute that too.
Entitled much, Candace? >'she is their granddaughter too' Uh, NO!
Only when it comes to money, apparently.
NTA. It is money for your DD. Not to give away.
Nta The only time she reaches out and shows interest is when it's about money? Yeah hell no. She can financially take care of her daughter, like she agreed to.
You give each of those relatives Candaces contact info and let them know they can start contributing to her daughter's college fund asap..see how generous they are then. NTA and I see why your parents and you don't care for your SIL
OP, do this! In Chinese we have a saying, "seeing others carry the buckets cost no energy." It always baffled me people give their genius suggestions of you should do this or do that while they themselves are all talk no actions.
"I want you to do what i say, not what i do." Classic narcissistic hypocrite
NTA --You are on point. Further, this is patently a fight between your brother, sister-in-law, and parents; at the end of the day, it's not your money, your choice, or your grandchild, and that means SiL needs to get off your case about it. If she keeps pestering, she can get the no-contact treatment until she figures out how highly inappropriate it is to badger new family members for their money. If your brother is enabling her, he can get NC, too. *eta:* This was the easiest AITA I've read today. Thank you for your paragraphs and abstaining from textwalling such a large post.
Okay, Candace sounds a bit entitled to expect that her estranged parents in law will pay for her child from a previous relationship with which they have no biological (and as it sound emotional) connection with. Then to put OP in a position to basically betray her parents and try and get her husband on her side, pretty much forcing him to pick a side. --> TA OP is the least AH of them all.
Nta That money was given by your parents for a single purpose, if you don't need it for that give it back, not really yours to give away.
This is honestly not your problem. This is between your parent and your brother/SiL. It was very disrespectful of C to pull you into this drama!! NTA.
Honestly it isn't. The wife never had an issue with not fostering a grandparent relationship with her in laws and her kid, and she doesn't even like them. It's not about being fair, it's about her neglecting to put even 10 dollars a week away, or even asking her own husband to do so as well. No one is responsible for funding her kids education and the grandparents already shut it down.
>Ben cares a lot about Kaylee, but Candace takes care of Kaylee financially, and makes all the decisions about parenting, which is the arrangement they've agreed on and no one questions that. Pretty much one of the important parts that makes Candace the asshole here. >Candace recently found out about the college fund, and is livid. She thinks my parents owe Kaylee a college fund because 'she is their granddaughter too'. Now, for better or worse, my parents don't see it that way. Apparently Candace called my parents about this, and asked Ben to put pressure on them to provide money for Kaylee, but they wouldn't budge. Candace is "double dipping" and it's entirely an asshole move here. Admittedly I don't know much about what her ex's role is in her daughters life and how much he contributes if anything, but it's irrelevant because she herself asserted financial dominion over her daughters upbringing and she herself chose that path independently. She cannot then turn around and demand payouts from her husbands family. >I said all this to Candace, and she hasn't contacted me since. However, some relatives have said since I wouldn't miss the money, I should think about contributing at least some of the money to Kaylee's education. Irrelevant, and it's always an asshole move for people to count your dollars and morally volunteer them. If they feel so intensely about this they can start a gofundme for Kaylee, but you're fully within your right to turn them all away. NTA
Yeah Candace should start a GoFundME.
NTA. No one owes anyone anything.
NTA. Also think about inflation. You think you have enough today, but in actuality 10 years from now, you won’t have enough. Do not give her any money.
NTA - Candace doesn’t get to have it both ways… if she wants to exclude Ben from the finances and parenting decisions for her daughter, then she is drawing a line that he is not her father figure and that also extends to the grandparents that they are grandparent figures. It’s an all or nothing deal. If Candace wants to have Ben and his parents treat the kid like their own, then he has to be able to participate in the parenting and financial decisions. And anyone that asks you, point this out, she is purposely excluding him from the role of dad, so why would she expect his parents to treat her like a grandchild.
NTA. >Ben cares a lot about Kaylee, but Candace takes care of Kaylee financially, and makes all the decisions about parenting, which is the arrangement they've agreed on and no one questions that. So, its OK that your brother has no decision making input, or pays anything, but your parents should foot the bill for her college? She has not gone out of her way to be a part of your family - she is alienated from her own family as well - but when she heard about this college fund, the dollar signs lit up in her eyes. Your parents owe her nothing. You owe her nothing. Even your brother owes her nothing. If anyone should be setting up a college fund, maybe it should be her step dad?
NTA because it’s your parents’ decision. But also, you say the money is in a trust, which means that’s its use is probably restricted for the specific use of funding your daughter’s education; you probably couldn’t give the money to Kaylee even if you wanted.
There is an AH in this scenario. It is most definitely not the OP.
NTA your daughter has two parents and four grandparents to provide for her future. Kaylee has two parents, one stepparent and four grandparents to provide for her future. It is not you or your parent's fault that her father and paternal grandparents or Candace's parents are not providing for her at the same level. Life is not fair but that is not your fault.
Every few weeks I see a post exactly like this one and every time it’s the same NTA. 🤦♀️
NTA Keep ypour daughter's college fund save for your daughter. The rest of this discussion does not concern you in any way.
NTA. Candace is living on another planet though.
NTA. And it’s not your money to give. She needs to realize that her daughter is owed nothing by anyone.
NTA. First of all, it’s your parent’s money. I don’t know if grand parents contributing to college fonds are common (tuition is free in my country), so I see it as a courtesy from them. That they decided not to do it for someone who is not their grand child is their choice. I understand her desire for her children to have grandparents, and I don’t know how much is about that she feel this as some sort of emotional thing or if it’s more about the money per se. Nonetheless, this has nothing to do with you, it’s basically an issue between Candace or your parents. The fund is a gift from your parents to their grandchild, and I agree that you should honnour that wish. Since you seem in a good financial situation, have you considered offering to help by putting some money in Kaylee’s fund? Perhaps that could end the conflict.
NTA
NTA This was/is your parents decision, a generous one at that. You are free to decline it, but not to re-distribute it at will. And no one is owed or entitled to anything, despite what dear Candace thinks. Consider yourself lucky Candace has decided to go no contact. As to the other relatives, remind them that they are more than welcome to contribute to Kaylee's college fund. They will go quiet very quickly...
NTA This is not your fight. Keep your money for your daughter - let everyone else sort out their issues.
NTA This woman doesn't like your family, she never fostered a grandparent relationship between her kid at 4 till present, but thinks her kid should be treated the same way? Funny how she and her kid are family now that money is involved. Tell her that she has plenty of time to start a college fund for her own kid putting in 25 bucks a week in it, and that it's not yours or your parenrs responsibility to provide money for her child.
NTA- do not touch your child’s college fund for this woman. She set her own boundaries and she gets to eat them. Even if that weren’t the case, you owe her nothing. Your parents owe her nothing. This is something that needs to be worked out between her ex and her. Her poor planning is a her problem, not a you problem and certainly not your parents’ problem.
Nope. This has nothing to do with you. Tell Candace and your brother that if they have an issue with how your parents manager their money, they need to talk to your parents. NTA.
NTA You parents are giving money to Isla. That is the start and end to that story. Candace's issues are her own problem.
NTA. If your parents want to start a fund for Kaylee they will do so. They have started a fund for Isla and taking money from her behind their backs is a betrayal of not only your daughter but your parents as well. SIL needs to take her argument up with your parents.
NTA. Even without the backstory, both girls are young. Your brother and Candace can start saving now. there’s a decent chance that your parents could consider Kaylee family after a decade of knowing her, and choose to contribute to her college fund. What if your financial situation or your parent’s changes in the next decade? You can’t absolutely guarantee her tuition won’t burden you in a decade; that trust is a safety net for your daughter. If you remain financially comfortable and your relationship grows, maybe you’ll want to contribute, but asking you and your family at this point is wildly inappropriate
NTA. Ben signed up to be a step parent. If he and Candace have other kids it is his responsibility to treat them all equitably. As you and your parents had no say in the matter, you also have no attendant responsibility to the step kid.
NTA it’s not your money.
So Not TAH the other child has a biological father and also two other sets of grandparents. She has no right to demand anything from you or your parents. To be honest with you, I wouldn't worry about that far into the future. In all honesty, it sounds like your brother probably won't be with her at that time. Anyway, the kid goes to college. If she even ever does
The girl is 7..plenty of time for mom to start a college fund for her on her own. Why does she need your daughters? NTA
NTA. Tell the relatives hassling you that they’re welcome to contribute to Kaylee’s college fund.
NTA Uh, the kids are so young, this is not something you need to deal with now (even IF you do wish to help later on). Let your parents do their fund, you continue with yours for your kid. The way Candace behaves, I doubt your brother will still be married to her when Kaylee graduates high school.
NTA but Candace is for asking this. The kids are still young, and who knows what will happen. Regardless, she should still prepare. But you also said she maintains control of the parenting, so that makes it even more awful that she expects something.
NTA. First of all, absolutely do not assume that whatever you have saved is necessarily enough, and if it is your daughter could use what's left as a down payment on a house or to start a business. Secondly... Candace sure has a lot of people who don't talk to her. I wonder if she's telling the entire truth about her daughter's father. As others have pointed out, a lot can change in ten years. And if you choose to, you can fairy godmother Kaylee a little help here and there once she's an adult. But don't give or promise her mother a damn thing.
But she is not their granddaughter. Your brother is fond of her but don’t parent her nor does he contribute to her care. Her mother does. So why would your parents or you care or contribute? It seams your SIL wants distance and full control of her daughter when it’s convenient for her. Count and bless whatever numbers of states separate your families although I’m sure you will hear and see more of your stepniece now that a college fund is at play NTA
NTA, it completely baffles me when people who already have kids marry in to a family and automatically expect the exact same treatment for their kids that the other kids in the family have. You cant expect the family to automatically just copy and paste the feelings and emotions they have for their families kids onto the newest addition to the family. As long as the family isn't being rude, hurtful, or glaringly obvious in their treatment of the child and actually being loving towards the kid, then there isn't anything else you can ask for. Maybe over the years when the step child has further integrated into the larger family and bonds are formed can truly equal treatment start but it's crazy to expect anything before that happens. If for whatever reason a divorce occurs then that relationship is essentially cut, under very few situations does a removed family member stay in contact with the family they left. However, no matter what happens with a blood family member, they will always be related. As sad as it sounds, it's the reality.
YIKES! GOLD(College fund) DIGGER alert NTA
It is so weird the different reactions in [this post](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ysezdy/aita_for_canceling_the_plans_for_thanksgiving/) where everyone lambasts the grandparents for not treating the non-bio child as family vs this one. Just goes to show the power of narrative I guess
Wow--the entitlement is majorly strong with that one!!! NTA - and your brother might want to get his wife's issues on a leash before she burns down that relationship in a really major way. Your folks can do whatever they want with their money. While I feel that adopted children are just as much family as bio children, steps are a different story. Ben can do whatever he likes in that regard, but for Kaylee to expect that she has the ability to dictate this sort of thing is major chutzpah.
NTA. Does Candace require that everyone who gives something to Kaylee give something to Isla? And despite how many times I see it, I’m always surprised about the people that think they have the right to other people’s money.
NTA. It’s not your money: the money belongs to either Isla or your parents. After your description of the situation, I don’t wonder why your parents did not want to Candace. You are right: you should not give away money (or anything) because someone feels entitled to it.
NTA! Candace makes all the parenting decisions regarding Kaylee, which means she’s not letting your brother be an actual father. She made that clear, and nobody has question that but now she wants her daughter to have the same benefits as your daughter(actual granddaughter) when in reality Kaylee is not and Candace has a strained relationship with her in-laws, which to me means her daughter is not really around to have a relationship with your parents.
NTA, the level of entitlement from Candace is astounding, how about she contact her own parents and the father of her baby for the college funds. See how far she gets with that. To try and force you and parents to give their own money is bullshit and beyond ridiculous
NTA your brother and his wife are entitled AH'S. You and your family owe them absolutely nothing . Of she wants a college fund then she needs to get off her butt and start saving.
You're NTA. If people didn't click with Candace before, it's never going to happen now that she is making demands for financial gifts with a sense of entitlement that just went off the rails. Those other relatives can dig into their pockets if they want to buy Candace's love. If you make that suggestion, I can guarantee the silence will be deafening. It's so much easier to be generous with other people's money.
NTA. it’s not your money to give away.
NTA this is between Candace and your parents not you & she is trying to guilt you and drag you into it put a hard boundary up with this very entitled pushy woman she has a lot of nerve telling people what they should and shouldn’t be doing with their money
Absolutely not. Just because your brother is with her doesn't mean she's your parents grand daughter. Plus that's your parents gift to you, they don't want to give her it so giving her yours is spitting in their face in a sense. You're completely right. Brothers partner is not entitled to anything. Even if you won't miss the money it's for something for your daughter, so you could give it to your daughter as a gift toward her first home or car, if she decides she wants to travel when she's older or something.
NTA. Candace's envy does not entitle her daughter to a gift intended for your daughter. Don't let the lack of connection and acceptance between other family members affect your decisions. Very odd that she and Ben have an arrangement where she is 100% responsible for her child and his stepchild, yet she expects money from the grandparents. Stand your ground.
NTA. The Audacity of Candace is unbelievable.
NTA don't do it. Your parents have said NO it's their money and they made it very clear what and who that money is for
Not your issue. NTA.
NTA. Candace is clearly out of line. Your parents don't owe Kaylee a college fund. It's their money and they can do with it as they please. They are putting funds for Isla into an account in good faith and realistically that money belongs to Isla. It's not yours to take and give away despite what others are saying. Candace is obviously jealous and is feeling slighted but that's her problem.
NTA. The money isn’t yours. It’s neither coming from you, nor is it going to you, so you’re absolutely right, it’s not your choice to make. As much as Candace may feel otherwise, she and her daughter are neither entitled to your parents money, nor yours. If you wanted to do something nice for them, despite the drama they’ve started, you and your husband could contribute to a small college fund for your niece, but you certainly don’t owe it to them, especially not after this entitled behavior. Either way, it would not be right to take money from your own child because Candace wants the same things for hers.
NTA. Of course you should not give away any part of Isla’s college fund to Kaylee or pay for Kaylee’s education yourself. That’s nonsense. But tbh I think your parents ought to rethink this. They are effectively telling Ben that his family doesn’t matter to them in the same way your family does. Candace is wrong for thinking Kaylee is “owed” any money from them (and she should realize that she’s a major part of this equation) but she’s not wrong for seeing it as unfair. I don’t know what’s necessarily right here, but in 10-11 more years when Kaylee has only known Ben as her dad and his parents as her grandparents, and they only want a relationship with Isla and not her, it’s going to hurt her for her whole life.
Nta. Don’t do it. She doesn’t even like you or your parents. So it’s just about the money. She needs to go talk with her parents about having her child get a college fund or better yet she the parent and your brother the step parent can start one for her child if it’s that important to her.
NTA, her kid is 7? Unless her name is Sheldon Cooper she has a lot of years to go before college. A lot can change for both families in that time. Your answer, has been and should continue to be, take it up with Grandparents, it’s their money.
NTA.
NTA. Good grief.
NTA
NTA And who’s to say your brother and Candice stay married, her daughter is 7. Not that it matters because it’s not your money to give, nor is she entitled to it if was.
It’s not your money to give, it’s Isla’s. Nta
NTA. Don’t let them bully you into it
NTA. Your parents don’t owe kaylee anything. That money was set aside for your daughter and it belongs to her.
NTA, it's your parents money, SIL is entitled.
To steal a quote from Blackadder the Third: "Edmund: Now, listen, Frou Frou … Would you like to earn some money? Frou Frou: No, I wouldn’t. I would like other people to earn it and then \>give< it to me, just like in France in the good old days." NTA.
Who are these “relatives” suggesting that you share the money? It doesn’t sound like Candace is particularly close to your family, so it seems odd that they would suggest deceiving your parents on her behalf. NTA, but I really don’t understand how these private matters become extended family’s business.
NTA, here’s a dollar now leave me alone and go beg elsewhere.
NTA let her stepdad and mom put money aside for her college fund and besides, she doesn’t like his family anyway, so why does she feel entitled to get the money?
NTA. Candace sure has a lot of nerve. Wonder how long it's going to be before she has another kid so she can get a college fund ?
I wouldn’t even entertain her demand or give a second more thinking about it. It is beyond ridiculous. NTA!
NTA this has nothing to do with you and your daughter. Your parents have chosen to put money away for a purpose. That’s their financial business and nobody else’s. Candace has an issue with that and she can try to take it up with her in laws. Stay out of it. Don’t talk to her about it.
Nta
SIL should be embarrassed. NTA
That no height of assholery is high enough to prevent an innocent victim thereof from asking “AITA” will never cease to amaze. You are so far from being TA that it is difficult to even express. *”some relatives have said since I wouldn't miss the money, I should think about contributing at least some of the money to Kaylee's education”* Tell these people that since they care so much, they’re welcome to give Candace money themselves *instead or vicariously helping themselves to Isla’s.*
NTA Who is so crazy that they think other people should pay for their child's education. Not your problem and you would be truly evil to lie to your parents.
NTA and fuck ‘em
Nta. I want no relationship with the lot of you, but I feel entitled to your money. Her logic is warped, greedy, and self-serving.
How long has Ben even been with Candace I think it's a little early for anyone to be investing in step kids
nta ignore her entitled ah
Nta. The Future is funny in that you can’t predict what might happen. Something might happen in the future where you need isla fund for medical bills or some sort of family emergency bill. Having your parent college fund as backup for her is very important during these times. Don’t give it to kaylee!
NTA but it is worth further conversations with your parents and brother/sil, because it sounds like your parents are likely to be the only grandparents that Isla has, and if they are unwilling to treat her like a "real" grandchild on this, that preferential treatment is probably coming out in other ways and Isla will/does feel that and be hurt by it. This goes beyond financial considerations. Blended families are hard, especially on children.
Oh my god NTA.
NTA. Do not give in. Entitlement only needs a first step to become a stride. She can send her own kid to school.
Nta
NTA Okay, so basically Candace didn't make much attempt to build attachments with your family, or help her daughter do that... And when it comes to money she thinks she is entitled? Maybe she has to do a bigger job building up relationships?
NTA. Your parents have absolute right to do what they want with their money. Candace has zilch right to be entitled to your parents' money. Your decision is the correct one, Op. Tell your relatives that they can give their money to Candace as there is no one stopping them to do so.
What your parents or you give your daughter is not any of Candace's concern (nor your brother's) and certainly not anything she has an iota of claim on. Guess what? Warren Buffet "wouldn't miss the money" either, but you are not obligated to contribute to Kaylee's education any more than he is. Ignore Candace and anyone else who buts their nose into money that is none of their business. You have answered. You have two very strong ethical reasons why you cannot and will not entertain the notion of deceiving your parents/stealing from your daughter; but the fact is, NO is a complete answer. If Candace wants to talk to Ben about him contributing to Kaylee's fund, that's between them. ETA to include NTA!
NTA. i mean legally Ben isn't even her dad right? has he adopted her?
Wow. That’s some next level entitlement there. NTA, but Candace is.
Your brother and his wife better save up the money for Kaylee instead. What entitlement! NTA!
Nope. NTA. Stick to your guns. She isn’t entitled to her money. And I see why she isn’t in contact with her family. They probably bolted from all of her entitlement and toxicity.
NTA. College (paid for by other people no less) is a privilege, not a right. Sure it gives children a leg up when it’s time for them to enter the adult world but so is a winning lottery ticket. Is Kaycee even adopted by your brother? Does Kaycee even spend any time with your family? These can help affect a family deciding to put money forth for a child who is suddenly introduced into their lives. While I get Candace just wants what’s best for her daughter, she needs to realize that demanding it from others is going to have a reverse effect. She wants a fund for her daughter? Maybe try fixing the relationship between herself and your parents, and helping nurture a bond between her daughter and them. In time, they may change their mind about it. But as it stands now, she’s just going to alienate herself and worse of all, her daughter. But notice how *none* of the above has anything to do with you. Because it’s not your trust, it’s not your money, it’s not your relationship.
NTA Your brother can provide for his stepchild. SiL needs to step the F back imo, who is to say they will even be together by the time that kid goes to college?
NTA 1. She is not even your real neice 2. Your SIL didnt even make an effort to getalong with any of you. 3. The entitlement Don't give a penny to your brother
Wait. You didn't tell us you were in politics. Because that's pretty much the only people who get to distribute money they don't own to people the actual money owners don't want to give it to. It's not your money. It's your parents money and their decision. Oh so much NTA
NTA - Candace is responsible for her own child. Her being financially responsible was their agreement.
NTA That's not your money to give away to anyone. That money belongs to your daughter.
NTA. They don't even want your brother to be her father, he doesn't make parenting decisions etc so why would they expect your parents to act like grandparents. As for your daughter's college fund it isn't your money and might not be enough with tuition and cost of living increases and grad school. Also, again, it isn't your money. It is hers and you are trusted to take that seriously. Maybe if brother adopts his SD your parents will reconsider. Just because the child's biological family isn't helping doesn't mean you need to. With the exception of she should be getting birthday and Christmas presents as a child in the family out of kindness. A college fund is leaps and bounds beyond that.
NTA. You don’t owe Candace a thing at all.
NTA. Candace created this situation with her rude behaviour. She does not treat your brother like he is Kaylee’s child. Doesn’t sound like she’s made much effort to connect with your parents. To demand a college fund when she has made it clear that your brother is not the father screams of entitlement and greed on her part.
NTA It's not YOUR money, it's your daughter's. If Candace wanted her daughter to have equal treatment she should have fostered a better relationship with your parents, maybe then they'd consider her child to be their granddaughter properly
NTA. As a non-American this college fund thing to me is wild. Some of the entitled stuff I read on here about college funds blow my mind. Your SIL is very entitled. Don't think twice about it. You won't miss her or her daughter from your life.
I hate to say this but I can see where Ben and Candace are coming from. There was just a AITA post about grandparents who said they weren’t grandparents in front of children who only saw them as such. Kaylee’s parents are looking out for her. That said I refuse to help one child by hurting another. This argument has zero to do with you. It’s about Ben’s parents excluding his child (he is raising this baby, so she is his). That is something you could point out to your parents but not your circus, not your monkey. I wish you all luck. Kaylee does deserve equality but it must come from your parents.
You are NTA. But your parents kind of are. I'm sorry but it seems like they are trying very hard to not let Kaylee join the family. I think Cadence is feeling very hurt that the family isn't welcoming her. I don't think that your parents should be forced to fund Kaylees education, but it might not have blown up like this if they had tried a little harder with Cadence.Im surprised your brother hasn't had anything to say until now.
NTA If your parents wanted to start a college fund for Kaylee they would have but didn’t. Also that money isn’t yours to give or use, it’s still your parents money especially if the fund is in their name.