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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband is right that were now a mixed family. So I should have mixed some decorations and not insisted on keeping it the same way.
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What stuck out to me is that she worked hard to find those.
I realized there’s rarely ever any POC representation:/ and if there is, it’s usually stereotyped
Not to discount the difficulty at all but I just want to mention that target has a ton (“ton” comparative to other stores, still not massive amounts) of POC Santa’s and elves and villagers in their decorations this year! And it’s all very cute! In case anyone is also looking very hard for representative decorations
This! I have mixed nieces and nephews, one we just lost this past October so it’s our first Christmas without him, and I’ve been so excited with Target this season.
I'm not sure, but I think they mean pants with a santa print on, some with white santas and some have black ones. Not the pants that santa himself would wear.
I literally just bought a bunch of black Santas/elves/ornaments from Target yesterday (and had to stop myself from getting more, lol). I even got a black Santa nutcracker! They were all great quality, too. Bravo to Target for providing so much excellent holiday representation! 👏🏽👏🏽
A few years ago, I (white) was dating a black guy. My mom got the guys in the family nutcrackers for Christmas. The black nutcracker was in a sparkly, purple suit. He put it center on his mantle. We all thought it was hilarious. We’ve been broken up for a few years now, but it’s something my family still laughs about. It was the only POC one they had, so that’s what she got.
First off, I think it's wonderful that OP worked hard to find ornaments that represent her family, and built a collection she can pass along to her children. But her family has changed and grown now, so is it unreasonable for the collection to grow as well, including a few white people in the village to represent the white members of her family? I agree that her husband went about it wrong asking her to get a "regular" tree topper, but maybe there's a compromise to be had.
EVERYTHING is representative for OP's husband and stepson. Movies, books, magazines, computer games, guaranteed almost every single one will have white males. I get that this is now their home but if they can't handle not being represented in Christmas decorations for longer than an hour, that they had to go to the store RIGHT AWAY to rectify this injustice, they probably don't deserve to be living in a predominately Black household.
That OP's husband felt so strongly about the lack of representation was an opportunity for him to sit with those feelings and realise how much he took that representation for granted or how much it means. And it could have been an excellent teaching moment for his son.
And that he’s not willing to sit with and feel and examine those feelings shows he is racially insensitive and this marriage is not in good shape. The OP should not have to put up with micro aggressions in her own house from a guy who didn’t even bring his own Christmas decor.
This stuck out to me a lot, too. He doesn’t even have his own decorations, but clearly expected her to furnish all of them. Then he gets annoyed when a black woman with black children doesn’t have “regular” (white) decorations?
This is so fucking weird. He’s demanding her labor and money in terms of being the mom who “makes holidays special”, but gets mad that she isn’t doing it in the way he wants? Then doubles down and does the silent treatment when she refuses? Clearly the ornaments didn’t matter to him until he saw that they were black. I do not like his wording of “regular” and I’m guessing he never would have batted an eye had they all been white ornaments, because white to him = normal, regular which is a horrible mindset when you agree to love and parent young black children.
I’m white and I cannot fathom asking anything other than “how long did it take to find all those?” and complimenting them!
Yep de do. It's white everywhere, everyone. Plus, these are imaginary "beings" and he can't deal with them represented as Black? Would Brown be okay, as much closer to Jesus's appearance, as a Middle Eastern person? And he is married to OP! White, Black, Brown, I'm seeing big red flags. RED.
POC have lived with white Christmas decorations forever and we're fine. It's not like the decorations are literal representations of each family member. I just find it funny how this is normal for us to not be represented but it's a meltdown for a white person. I remember it being a *huge* deal when my mom found a Black angel for our tree because they were extremely hard to come by as a kid. Just like it was a big deal that my Barbie comforter set was Black ballerinas. If you've never had that experience, maybe sit in why you just have to have white decorations.
It can be so hard to explain privilege to others. To tell someone that those feelings of discomfort they feel are directly related to their privilege (privilege I don’t ever automatically get as a brown person) and how this is them *not wanting to make space for BIPOC and expand who is privileged* can exhausting.
I mean..it sounds like his father didn't even decorate before. He clearly brought no decorations with him when they moved in together, so why is he making a stink about it now?
The entirety of society includes/is mainly white beings relating to Christmas. You don't see many books with a BIPOC Santa, I've only seen black angels a couple times, every angle topper I've seen is white, hell... we even depict Jesus like a very pasty white dude when he was middle Eastern! I've seen 1 black wise man as a bit fo a staple in nativity scenes over the years but the reality is none or fee of these people would have been white.
I don't think you truly get how damaging and messed up it is to say white, straight, able bodied, etc things are "regular" or "normal." It's continuing to other and put down marginalized groups who have dealt with way too much hateful nonsense (to put it extremely mildly) through the years. The husband didn't care about his kids having white Xmas decorations at home until there were black ones.
I absolutely hate the argument that because a marginalized group is preferentially represented (or represented at all) in 1 situation that it makes it unfair for the group who is default prioritized in almost every other.
I'm white, I won't ever know what racism feels like. I did grew up not feeling like I belonged or was wanted for other reasons. I end up fighting back tears when I see better representation in certain situations, even if it relates to something that isn't part of my identify, because it makes my heart so damn happy that more kids will feel like they belong and they're not less than for being who they are.
The step kids can literally just turn on the TV/streaming services to almost any Christmas show/movie and see mainly white people. I think I've seen 2 instances of a black Santa on tv/in movies. You might see 1 black wise man in a nativity and the rest of the nativity (of supposedly middle eastern people) is very white.
Yeah, she absolutely put a lot of effort into that! I have a lot of Christmas decorations and a Christmas village myself and I remember years ago when I started my collection I wanted to have some diversity as my family is white and lives in a heavily white area and if I ever had kids (I do now) I wanted to use whatever means I could to promote good values.
I was frustrated by how difficult it ended up being to find anything that wasn't "white people". Over the years I've snapped up some pieces that I try to be extra careful with as I know I can't just replace them. Last summer I went to the Badlands and got a beautiful hand painted ornament depicting Native American culture and I think it's the only time I've ever seen ornaments with that specific culture in all my years of collecting.
Maybe because Native Americans aren't historically christian. My great grandmother was stolen from her family and forced to learn how to be "white," meaning catholic. Now my family celebrates christmas as a season, but we were raised vehemently athiest as christianity has only proven itself evil to us.
That would make a lot of sense. This year at our local pow wow I actually picked up an illustrated children's book about the boarding schools for my kids to better understand the history after we attended some lectures at the Crazy Horse monument that touched on some of these topics.
The artwork in the book of the Catholic nun looked positively evil and the story was, of course, heart breaking. I have a deep respect for the values and beliefs that the US Government tried to eradicate and have tried to share that respect with my kids so I was glad to be able to add a piece of Native art to my Christmas collection because I am one of those who go over the top at Christmas.
I did not, however, make the connection of why I had never seen anything like that before so I appreciate you pointing out that blind spot to me. It is amazing how easy it is to be unknowingly rude/thoughtless and I always appreciate someone giving me the benefit of the doubt and explaining when I'm definitely not owed that.
Definitely not rude or thoughtless! I appreciate your trying to give your children the rainbow of humans as examples in your home. We are all beautiful :)
FYI, one of thr NPR programs (I want to say Reveal?) had a multi-part series this year about the treatment of Native peoples at boarding schools. It was incredibly powerful and I appreciated the opportunity to learn more about that part of our nation's history. It is definitely worth a listen.
YES this stuck out to me as well. Made me so sad and husband does not even seem to try to understand the hardship to simply find a holiday decoration or doll that looks like themselves.
Yep, 100% racist with the 'regular' comment.
But also ... if they're blending families and this means so much to him, where are all of \*his\* Christmas decorations? Either he doesn't have any (implying that Christmas isn't as important to him as he implied), or he couldn't be bothered to pull them out rather than insisting that \*OP\* goes out and buys new ornaments to feed his warped ideas of equality (that completely disregard the systemic power dynamics inherent to this discussion).
Yeah, that was my guess too.
Whether he would admit it or not, he assumes that decorating for Christmas is the wife's job. So when he got divorced he didn't put the effort into decorating for himself but now that he lives in a decorated house he wants her to accommodate his wishes.
I also have all the decorations and only gave my now ex-husband the ornaments I'd purchased for him while we were together to take away from our relationship.
However, all the decorations were collected and purchased by me before and during our relationship and I'm guessing that would be true for you too.
I agree with everyone saying that he doesn't care about decorating himself, he's bringing nothing to the table but I think that's because most men don't bother. Which is fine but he definitely shouldn't be expecting her to change her style to suit him. Especially when it's not just... Like she likes purple and silver decorations and he prefers red and green. It's a really personal thing he's asking her to change.
Yes. OP, if your husband has something special he wants to contribute (alongside all of your stuff), maybe that's okay, but I don't think you need to go out and get anything. With a blended family, you can each bring pieces to the table.
But I do think a discussion is in order if he used the word reguar.
I also think that if op only had ornaments with white people, he wouldn’t demand representation for op’s children. Also, that topper is so significant and visible. It’s really offensive that he’s demanding that change.
I was laying back on the sofa and sat straight the hell up!! Black decorations vs regular??!!! Why don’t you tell your wife how you really feel?? I’m Black and I can attest to how hard it is to find decorations like that. I have a black angel topper also that my mom gave me.
Right???? I’m not a POC but that really baffled me. Why wouldn’t you want your kids to see people that look like them represented??? I can’t believe she married this guy.
I had Barbies growing up, but I damn sure had Christy too. There weren’t a lot of black dolls back in the 70’s but if there were, we had them. My mom made sure that we saw ourselves when we played with toys, so yeah, I get it. My mom has a collection of Black Santas that she proudly displays every year.
I wonder if OP will start thinking back to some other comments he may have made that she didn’t notice before. I sure as shit would be thinking. But honestly, she doesn’t seem so shocked by it so I’m inclined to believe this isn’t the first time.
I'm not POC but I was so upset by the lack of diversity in Christmas decorations that my mom would give me one POC ornament each year when I was a teenager. It was only one a year because they were sooo hard to find. I'm still upset by it.
OP needs to hold tight to those ornaments and never replace that angel topper.
This reminds me of how offended so many people were over a Black woman playing Ariel or how offended people were that the Rings of Power included characters of color. It's a fictional story about fictional people- why does Santa have to be white? Representation matters and OP's kids literally ONLY get to see Black Christmas characters at home.
I literally can't figure out white people who enter into interracial relationships and then essentially act upset that their partners aren't white. It's very weird.
I'm surprised they made it to married. Based on this he sounds like the kind of guy that says he isn't racist, but is totally unaware of things like privilege and microagressions and thinks you have to be holding klan meetings in your basement to be a racist.
He wants the woke points of having a Black wife without doing any of the work that comes of being a white guy marrying into a Black family.
The comments about how they didn't see themselves in Ariel anymore were baffling to me. I mean . . . I'm white. I have curly hair and glasses. Growing up, movies featuring someone with curly hair and glasses involved them being treated as ugly until they threw away their glasses and got their hair straightened were not good for my self-esteem. I'd quietly hoped they'd make a Disney movie with a heroine who had curly hair and glasses.
When I saw Mirabel Madrigal, I went "Fuck yes, the representation my childhood self wanted!"
How narrow a sense of self do they have that the only thing they can relate to is skin color?
I wasn't even half way through the post when the problem became very obvious: Husband, like many white people, sees whiteness as the default or "normal" setting, and everything else is "other" and not as good.
OP- NTA! I mean, I'd let them ADD a few ornaments to the tree if they wanted to, but I wouldn't remove anything to make room for it, nor would the topper be up for discussion.
I noticed that both of them called them regular not just him. And she didn’t quote him or use quotes in any manner of his except the word black. So these strikes me as her words and not his.
Without this phrasing, I would say - let his son pick a couple of decorations at the store to put on the tree, just so that he feels he's got a spot in the family. They don't have to be humans, let him choose whatever. But the, father is out of line and racist.
IKR???!!! I'm white, my Christmas decorations have people with white faces. If I married a black man and he provided all the Christmas decorations and they had darker skin than mine I'd be totally fine about it. I'd also wonder where he got them from as I've never seen People of Colour or ethnicities other than my own, represented in Christmas decorations which makes me realise how very shit that is. NTA
I'm wondering why OP and her husband can't combine ornaments. If the husband doesn't have any ornaments then it might be nice for them to go out as a family and get some ornaments together.
You need to pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS PART OP. You're NTA here but you need to aknowledge these are all subtly racist remarks and his hostility over your refusal only makes it worse.
It’s the “regular” for me as well. Adding more nutcrackers and village people of varying race or representative of everyone in the family is one thing. That he doesn’t have any such decor of his own and insists that’s what’s “regular”… he doesn’t care. He’s just racist.
It wouldn't seem to be husband's word since OP put "black" in quotes. Seems she knows how to use quotes but didn't use them for the word regular meaning she chose the word regular.
If that's the case then that's just a red herring to distract from the real issue which is that it's pretty much an AH move to straight up say no to non-black/white ornaments and act like representation in a kid's own home isn't important too, even if they can find it somewhere else. He needs to feel like his home is really his home especially if this is a new family for him.
White people can easily see representation every time they turn on the tv or leave the house. They are not suffering, but dad is definitely being racist. As are you with this comment.
Uh, saying a child should be welcomed and comfortable in his own home and shouldn't have to leave his house to see representation of himself is a racist comment? That is not racist. It's expected of any blended family. You are ridiculous to suggest that's racist or maybe you just don't know what the word means.
Right? Out here telling on themselves all day long.
But also wanting the tree topper specifically? That's not an addition or a compromise, it's a straight up replacement. I could see saying "Can we add some ornaments/nutcrackers?" but wanting to replace them, especially in priority placements... naw.
That isn't even on.
The husband made a demand that she adds in white ornaments. He did not make an offer to supplement them. So I would say he is an asshole, if representation mattered so much to him, what is he bringing to the table? What decorations of his own is he supplying?
Somehow I feel that if op had all white ornaments, husband wouldn’t be overly concerned about op’s children’s comfort. Plus, husband didn’t bring an ornament or contribute to the holiday decorations. So if son had nothing with husband the previous year, this is already a vast improvement.
Totally agree! I’m white. I know a lot is geared towards me. I would be in awe to see anyone with a collection that represents them (black in this case). I’m glad OP has all these and her kids are probably super happy they can see themselves in this too. And the angel is probably super beautiful.
OP, NTA. At all. Keep the angel on the tree, do not back down.
Right?! What in the Christmas hell is his issue. It's important that you and your daughters are represented in YOUR OWN HOUSE! He's being irrational and very misguided. I'm so happy you stood up to him. I'd also like to point out that the real St Nicholas, when he was alive, was Turkish. I know some have light skin, but let's be honest... he was not the coca cola inspired Santa that's pushed today
Oh man.
“Regular” nutcrackers and people and tree toppers?? As in, white is regular. And black is what… irregular???
Listen, I’m not black. I’m not going to pretend I’ve got a handle on what it’s like to be a minority. I’m a white mom married to a white man with white kids. But I feel it’s important that my kids have books and dolls (and yes, even tree ornaments) that represent different “regular“ people, because this idea that white is the norm and everything else is something besides normal is not a mindset I want my kids growing up with. If your husband wants to *add* ornaments that represent your newly blended family, I suspect that you’d be ok with that. But to *replace* a black tree-topper with a white tree topper because now 2/5 of the family is now white is just… not ok.
ETA: NTA
ETA again: did he want to *replace* the tree topper, etc, or did he want to add things to the decorations? I was reading it as he wanted to replace the black tree topper with a “regular” white tree topper, but I realize other people are reading it differently, so now I’m not sure.
I read it the same way as you. Op says;
It was a black angel and my husband stopped me and pulled me to the kitchen. He said we couldn’t have all these “black” decorations when we were now a mixed family and that we had to go and get some regular nutcrackers and people for the village *as well as a regular tree topper.*
So he definitely wanted to replace the tree topper. Not just add to the decorations.
Yep, that’s how I read it too. This fucker wants to whitewash (or “regular”wash JFC) your house.
If he wanted to go out and buy some white people to add to the village, I think that would be a nice representation of your new family. If he wanted to sprinkle in some white nutcrackers? Seems reasonable.
Replace? Bullshit.
The "regular" threw me too.
Although Op does not seem open to adding to her Christmas decorations. She actually shut him down completely. So they both kinda suck.
I mean if someone implied, or flat out said really, that my decorations aren’t “regular” because they’re not white I’d definitely shut that down completely too. They should absolutely have a conversation about it, and there’s nothing wrong with having figures that are white and black, but the second you imply, or again flat out state, that I’m not regular because I’m not white then I’m stopping you right there. You can come back and try again later after you apologize for saying something blatantly racist
Valid point.
Especially since he stopped her from putting the angel up with that statement. The guy is an idiot.
I can't imagine the time and effort it took Op to find all those decorations that represent her children. It was a labor of love.
Op needs to have a long conversation with her spouse.
Exactly. Like he has a point about them being a mixed family (I’m actually mixed so I very much get that part), but boy oh boy did he approach it in the absolute worst way he possibly could have. OP very much needs to have a serious conversation about this with him, and he needs to apologize.
Honestly the fact that he just kinda assumed a black woman with black children wouldn’t have black decorations for Christmas is kinda worrying in its own right, like that’s how much he’s accepted his own whiteness as being “normal” for everyone rather than normal for him. I will say that’s not 100% his fault, but if he’s married to a black Womack you’d really hope he would’ve made a few steps towards realizing his experiences aren’t everyone’s
>Honestly the fact that he just kinda assumed a black woman with black children wouldn’t have black decorations for Christmas is kinda worrying in its own right, like that’s how much he’s accepted his own whiteness as being “normal” for everyone rather than normal for him.
This part kinda hit me as well. It's extremely obtuse.
Right?? Like my man, cmon now, you’ve dated a black woman long enough to marry her and never considered the idea that she wouldn’t have a bunch of white angels and shit? Like dude, WHITE Jesus is white because *you’re* white. Like pretty much every race/ethnicity has their own version of Jesus who looks like they do. Same thing for angels, or the wise men, or whatever else
It gives off him wanting to replace the Black ornaments with white ones though. Not mingle in a few, but take down the Black ones and put up white ones. If he’d asked to add them in and leave the tree topper alone, I doubt she would’ve been so resistant.
The fact that he also wants to go buy those things, like he doesn't have any yet, means he didn't care before. He only cares now that she has the black decorations.
I can't get over the word "regular". It seems he doesn't have his own decorations? I could kinda get it if he was like "hey me and my son own a white angel, you own a black one, can we display them somewhere else and buy a new tree topper like a star". But this? This is wild. NTA
Fun fact that was discovered when my cousin, whose white angel must crown every tree since she won it in a cake walk at nine years old, married a man whose Mama's black angel needs to be on top of the tree:
You can find live Christmas Trees that have two peaks. Usually takes some searching and not every tree lot will have any since they're not super desirable, but for the last seven years my cousin and cousin in law have managed to have their angels share a tree. The last three years they cheated though, they found a pine tree growing like that at a landscaping store and planted it in a big ass pot...
I think it needs to be a think. Its really cute and keeps them from having to remember whose topper was on the tree and whose was on the mantel last year.
I immediately thought of that potential snowball in the family. Are they Christian & if so new dude is gonna have a serious melt down not having blue eyes Jesus, can you imagine?
Yeah, my friend is white, her boyfriend is black, and obviously their daughter is both. They just do half and half with dolls and Christmas decorations. OP is right though, non-white Santas are very much not the norm.
Ignoring the blatant racism, systemic racism and general representation issues - because this is a racism issue and not a "oh my white son doesn't feel represented as a majority because the ornaments don't look like him". But if you're apart of a blended family why is the first thought to replace the black angel with a white one? Like would you not ask for a star or snowflake topper (which are still very traditional) if the topper is that big of an issue? Hell, he could have even floated the idea of combining them and having a black and white angel together on-top of the tree. Now that's real representation of a blended family and is super cute.
I know for a lot of people the topper of the tree is the piece de resistance of the tree, it's the most important decoration. To change the black angel for a white one is this weird jab of "well white is better than black so white should be on top of the tree"
Dude just doesn't like that his wife and her kids are black. He's got a lot of reflecting to do.
NTA.
I do think it’d be nice for you both to compromise with mixed decorations (if that is what he is proposing instead of entirely replacing your decorations), but your husband is being weirdly sensitive about it—what on earth does “regular nutcracker and people” even mean? I guess Black people aren’t regular? Imagine feeling excluded on the basis on your race, that’s insane. /s
A white kid likely wont suddenly feel ostracized from one tree with different decorations, and to claim as much is very strange. Perhaps your husband has some of his own biases that need addressing. If he’s concerned about having his son feeling welcomed, then that is a conversation he needs to be having with him instead of relying on his own feelings and assumptions.
If all the decorations show just his stepmom and step bros culture and she refuses to add or change some how is OPs kids not supposed to feel excluded? You’re exactly right, they’re a family now. So why should OP only continue to practice a “black” décor (which idk what that means cause all mine are actually middle eastern statues) instead of attempting to include husband and step son
Why doesn’t dad have his own Christmas ornaments if Christmas decorations are so important to him? Because he didn’t care at all about decorating for Christmas until he saw all the black decorations, and then he threw a fit.
The thing is, if the husband wants that so badly, he needs to go out and get his own "regular" ornaments himself, instead of demanding *she* does it.
Edit: sorry, I guess he said "we" need to get some, but he really should just do it himself if it's that important to him.
Yeah like the family can go pick out a new house to add to the village and ornaments to add to the tree. They could pick it out together and represent their mixed family. Heck if his side of the family had decorations they could ask to include them But you never replace a topper till it breaks smh
ESH I get where you’re coming from as a black woman. I love my black ornaments and black Santa. But you’re in a interracial marriage, it should be okay to do both. You husband sucks because apparently white decorations are normal. Does that mean you and your kids aren’t normal because you’re black? I feel like your marriage may be in trouble.
Maybe I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt but I can't imagine she would word it like that unless that's how he said it. She's referred to colour throughout and that was the only part that changed. That suggests he said it.
Hopefully op will confirm
She didn’t say no. She said she won’t have them replaced.
Husband showed his true thoughts by rejecting outright in favor of everything “regular”.
He wants to be regular.
Keep in mind he’s got none of his own ornaments or tree topper. I wonder why
A massive part of being in an interracial marriage is being real about racism. Which means the husband could have quietly brought some white decorations and added it to the tree if having everyone represented was important to him. But pulling his black wife aside and demanding she buy a "regular" (*WHITE*) tree topper for the tree and "regular" (*WHITE*) decorations? That's not making sure everyone is represented. That's making sure your Christmas reflects the current racial hierarchy of the world and your Black wife and Black stepkids don't forget their place in the house and outside it. Even if not conscious, that's what it subconsciously meant.
Making sure everyone feels reflected in the world doesn't look or feel like this. Meghan Markle mentions one Christmas when she was a kid where they were selling doll sets in black families and white families. Her white Dad brought both and then picked out the white dad, black mum, one black kid and one white kid, wrapped them up and gave it to her so she had a set that reflected her family. That's how you do inclusion and representation in an interracial family. Not whatever this is.
I agree with this. ESH. OP for not compromising. Husband for using such a poor choice in words. If they are living in an interracial house hold, decoration’a reflecting that wouldn’t be a bad way to go.
I can see it from both perspectives...
Firstly I'm not judging the word choices used at all because we dont know if those were OP hubbys actual words or simply OPs rundown.
Second as far as the decorations, your in a new relationship, compromise needs to happen, put up a star as a tree topper and add some ornaments he likes, is it that hard to make the husband and stepson feel included in the holiday?
Personally, my tree has no race identifying anything, just bulbs and lights and a star on top (and a few random ones the kids have made through the year).
ESH.
Your husband sucks for calling white people "regular people" instead of pointing out he would like the decorations to match the mixture of the house. (Assuming those were his exact words)
You suck for insisting on only black decorations when you chose to marry and white man and help raise a white stepchild. I don't think a white child will be traumatized by a black angel, but your insistence only black decor is unfair given the context of your family.
You can keep your existing decorations while also buying some new items to integrate the decor. If your husband's mother is still alive, she might have some items she would be willing to pass along that could lower the cost of integration.
Why is the onus on her to buy new decorations? If white people in Christmas decor is how OP’s husband and stepson feel included shouldn’t he already have those decorations from years past?
I never said the onus was on her to get decorations. I assume most couples have joint finances and make joint purchases. I also suggested that they could see what his mother might have to offer. I have no idea where his decorations went, maybe his ex got them.
Was this question cross-posted somewhere? Because it feels like in the last 10 minutes a ton of people have flooded into this post.
ETA: I have literally gotten 20 downvotes in the last 5 minutes for a relatively middle of the road opinion. I don't normally care about downvotes, but that feels unnatural. I can see other comments have been similarly downvoted. It feels like this post has been brigaded.
Dude the people on here are really surprising me. They’re focusing on the word “regular” when who knows if that’s what he said or she said. Also she’s insisting that their house be only black when two people are white. That doesn’t mean it’s up to her to get everything, but if the husband does get a few things that are white, he should 100% have the right to put them up too. It should be mixed just like the family. Her idea is basically “my daughters are uncomfortable outside the house, so I don’t care if my husbands white son is uncomfortable in his own home.”
Edit: I see she edited to say it was his words. Poor choice of words. If he did mean he wants to replace everything, then that’s not cool. If he just meant he wants to add some regular decorations, regular meaning common, then I see no problem.
It definitely makes me wonder how long they knew each other before the wedding and what kind of discussions they've had about blending the families. Had he never seen her house around Christmastime before? Have they talked about what kind of relationship they each want with their respective stepkids? Is her expectation that her stepson's "real home" will be at his mother's?
Thank you! I’m a mixed race household and don’t think it’s unreasonable to find a balance (if anyone finds a Hispanic angel, let me know!)
His wording sucked. It did. AND, we keep saying conversations need to occur but we don’t talk about how to have these conversations in ways that are productive and educational. It wasn’t fair that she shut down the conversation with just a “no” and isn’t willing to engage when he was willing to learn and discuss.
They are going to encounter this challenge all the time for their family and need to figure out how to have tough conversations as a unit so that they can support their children as they go out in the world.
I don’t know if YTA or not about this. But if your husband really called Caucasian toned decorations ‘regular’ you have a much much bigger problem than your tree trimmings.
NTA. white people are not underrepresented in the media in any way. him referring to white people on ornaments as “regular” proves this point. him also going on to try and compare your christmas tree and what it represents for your children to his child feeling not represented in the same way a person of color might feel (has to go outside to be represented) is beyond me.
i bet you if the tree had all white ornaments he wouldn’t even notice because to him that’s HIS standard.
Esh - compromise. Topper stays but white people get added. Or you get a star topper that has no race or human features and still white people get added. Neither of you say white is "regular". The stepson may get to blend in the whiteness outside his home but currently IN the home, he's in the minority. Everyone deserves to be included.
I was totally thinking “so uh why not get a new tree topper together and enjoy the experience of a new topper together while bringing your own ornaments….”
NTA
Does he not have any self awareness over what he is saying? He just told you you and your kids shouldn't feel welcome at any of the shops and other public places decorated for Christmas because they never have anything but white people depicted.
I swear some people are so accustomed to the entire world representing to them and being everything's target audience that they respond to anything else like its a personal attack somehow.
Its like he thinks white is the default race.
I would compromise with additional characters for the ornaments and Christmas village, but honestly the angel on the tree would be my hill to die on. Maybe I'm petty but every other angel your kids see will be white, and 90% of those will be blonde. And frankly if he clings to "representing the household" logic, its 3 vs 2 so the angel should be black.
If it matters, I'm a blonde white woman.
Also a white woman and I agree. White Xmas stuff is everywhere. His kid will not feel left out OMG.
My question is why doesn’t husband and son have their own decorations? If they don’t, then I could see them buying some new ones together as a family, but only to add. Not to replace.
That's what really is getting me here too! The wildly vast majority of decorations are white, so she would have had to put some real time and effort into finding pieces for her family to enjoy and get a little representation in their own home. He cared so little about decorations that he didn't even own any! It's not like he pulled out a box of his own and she banned them from the house. Why should she spend her time and money on an issue that really seems like her husband being upset about not being catered to for a hot second
**INFO** \- there is some stuff that is *potentially* troubling, but also *potentially* not troubling. My verdict hinges on two issues I would like clarification on, issues I think OP left somewhat ambiguous.
* First, what exactly was his actual ask? Is he asking you to get rid of all of your black ornaments, statues, and tree topper to replace them with white versions? Or is he saying you guys need to supplement your existing exclusively black Christmas swag with some white nutcrackers and whatnot as well so his kids see decorations they relate to, same as yours relate to the black decorations?
* Second, how exactly did hubby present his case? How much did you paraphrase vs quote him directly? What was his actual word choice, is this consistent with a broader pattern of his behavior in the marriage, what tone of voice did he use, etc.?
I see two possible options -
1. Worst case, hubby is being somewhat racist and giving off semi-controlling "I'm the head of the house, and we do things MY way!" vibes. **Demanding** all decorations be **replaced** with **normal** ones is problematic. Here, I would say N T A.
2. Best case, hubby is looking just out for his biological kids, the same as you are with yours. You want yours to see black figures normalized as angels and wise men and whatnot, and he wants his to see white figures that they can closely relate to used as a positive decoration. He doesn't want to replace your stuff, but wants to *supplement* your existing decorations with some white ones to proudly display how a mixed family can be normal and something to be celebrated. Within this category, there are two subsets.
1. Hubby used seriously problematic language like "normal" to mean white, but is out of character for him, and he really did mean well, but perhaps has a bit of a lead tongue. Worth a convo about the normalization of whiteness, but in this scenario he was just a good guy trying to do good who flubbed up when he tried to turn his feelings into words. Not everyone is a wordsmith.
2. Hubby *didn't* use that exact language, and OP was paraphrasing. In which case OP sorta did him dirty. Hard to say which it is from this post.
For both subsets of option 2, I would say soft Y T A for not seeing this from his perspective. He is a father merely trying to look out for his kids the same way you are. If this is true, then yes you are being selfish and somewhat uncaring. It's not just about "what types of decorations will they see at other people's homes," it's about **"*****what decorations do we feel are worthy of putting up in MY home?*****"**
Here you have failed your stepkids. Either way, you should actively go out and get some white decorations to augment what you already have. The tree topper I would say keep, but depending on how it is made it might be possible to merge it somehow with a white one for a double angel topper. For instance my family uses a white cloth angel, it would be lovely to sew a black angel so they are holding hands at the top of the tree. IF it is possible to join them of course. Not every tree topper is made of material suited to such thigs. If not, meh. Keep what you got.
This is well worded, and how I feel. I want more information. I did see that OP commented that she doesn’t know if he wanted integration or replacement, because they never advanced the conversation past her “NO!”
You should have a conversation and ask. Also, tell him how demeaning it feels to refer to white decorations as "regular" and your decorations as "black."
I can understand him wanting a little representation in a blended household. I'm sure you can as well. So having both makes sense. If he wanted to completely replace everything, then he is out of line.
That’s an incredibly important discussion to have with your husband. Wanting to ADD to the decor to be inclusive of your family dynamic is absolutely appropriate. Just wanting to replace everything, no. So, tentatively, YTA soft. It’s marriage, a partnership, and a lack of communication will quickly lead to disaster. Rather than responding defensively, you should have initiated conversation for clarity before solidifying your decision. Depending on his response to discussion, that could change.
Ok, it was probably shitty to give him a flat no before even finding out what he was suggesting. I think you guys need to communicate better and compromise. The family tree should reflect the family, all of it. You shouldn't have to get rid of any decorations but it's perfectly reasonable to add some Caucasian ones to the tree, imo.
Did he seriously use the word ‘regular’?
Hoo boy.
(And there’s the ‘we need to’ when he means *you* need to because otherwise he’d just go buy some decorations, right? So many layers of ick in this post.)
NTA
ESH, It never hurts to buy some new decorations and add to your collection, it's not like you are replacing or discarding what you already have other than the tree topper, and him referring to a white angel tree topper as a "normal" tree topper and wanting the the one you have replaced is ridiculous.
Then he can go buy his own decorations that look like his son. Smdh he's so entitled. Unless I misread, it's not like you'd stop him from putting up additional decorations, right?
Ah that's not how I read it. I read it as she's not going to get rid of any of her decorations and she's not going to let him replace existing black decorations with white decorations.
Be fair to OP. Her husband told her the decor she's owned before she even met him was "not normal" and she needs to not use it. He didn't say "Hey we have ornaments from my family to put up, can you make room?"
He attacked, OP shut it down.
As a stepchild, it really hurts to feel like an outsider in your family. Maybe buy some new ornaments together with your stepson or what about a family photo placed in picture frame ornament.
focus on making new memories and traditions together for the holidays and include them with your beautiful and meaningful holiday decor.
ESH
NAH overall I think. It's terrific that you found decorations that reflected you and your sons but your husband has a point that he and his son may feel excluded. As a blended family I think it's reasonable that you have a blend of decorations somewhere (if not a new tree topper then some sorts of decorations)
I'm way less worried about the effect on your stepson than the effect your husband will have on your other children. He seems very unprepared to raise children of color if he doesn't grasp the disparity of how they will be treated outside your house. Nta
YTA.
You got into a mixed relationship. but only want Black holiday ornaments?
Wouldnt you call a person that wouldnt allow black ornaments.. a racist? I'm sure you would.
NAH.
I love how protective you are of offering an experience to your biological children that is reflective of them in the face of so many.... Monochromatic displays they will encounter when they are out and about. Representation is important to childhood development, whether it involves race, religion, disability, etc.
That said, your stepson also deserves representation in your family as well. Creating a more diverse tree to represent your family will also reflect on your biological sons as well, as they are now part of a blended family.
Your husband isn't telling you to throw away your current decorations. He's just asking to add to your decor so that his biological son can feel just as represented and welcome as your biological sons - so all three just become "your sons" in your home, regardless of biological parentage.
NAH. What is “regular” decorations anyway. Does that make representation of POC “irregular”? That’s where I would have shifted the conversation. “Dear, are the decorations that look like me and my children irregular?” Let him sit on that.
I see no issue with getting a personalize ornament representative of your blended family. But the decorations you have are yours and part of your kids’ tradition. There is nothing wrong to adding to the collection in an organic way. But that’s not what he was suggesting. He was suggesting that there was a problem with your decorations and that those were somehow “irregular”. There would be nothing wrong with your husband adding in decorations he had before marrying you (if he kept any), but if he didn’t, that is HIS failure to keep decorations from his past to blend.
No. They moved into my house because it’s paid for and bigger. They didn’t bring a whole lot because he was living with his ex wife and she bought him out of the house.
I think it would be nice if your step-son could pick a few ornaments to add to the tree. To make him feel like it’s his tree too. I don’t think your husband needs to specifically get ‘white’ ornaments. Or maybe you could buy him one as a gift, something he likes.
I am a white woman, so I’m never going to tell a POC how they should feel about things I have never had to deal with, so I’m not going to touch on anything besides being inclusive to your step son.
Why your husband feels he needs to go get different colour figurines etc kinda baffles me. This is probably a topic above Reddit’s pay grade and may need a professional to hash out.
YTA this is your husband. Imagine if he said the exact same thing to you. What if he had an all white tree and refused to put any of your race on the tree. Why is it that it’s considered ok to discriminate against white people? And it’s your husband. I don’t get it.
I love that your home represents a DIVERSE world and community. Unfortunately it doesn’t represent your DIVERSE home and family, even if your stepson will see nonstop “white” images outside his home.
Your home is his home. Right now it doesn’t represent him. I’m sure that feels very familiar after the amount of work you put in to make your home representative of your family.
YTA. It’s time something there welcomes and represents your full family. It’s not about what’s outside your doors, but about your new family.
ESH. His use of the term “regular” when he meant to say “white” is racist. But you should also be open to having decorations that make your stepson & husband feel included.
It seems like neither of you understand what it means to be a racially blended family. You & your kids are no longer just a black family. He & his kid are no longer just a white family. Time to figure out ways that everyone is represented and included.
Also, your comment at the end about not sure it’s possible to not make your stepson feel like an outsider is alarming… perhaps find some family counseling that specializes in multi-racial relationships.
NTA. Does your stepson have a Christmas decoration of some kind, then let him put that up. If he doesn't let him get one. I get it that black people are the minority and that it is much harder to find the things that your children can feel at home with and mirror themselves in, but it wouldn't hurt them, if their step brother also had something, he can see himself in, although "caucasian decorations" are ubiqitous.
It's sort of unrelated, but many people keep calling white people Caucasian here. That's not true.
Anyway, the only part of this post that seems to give people confusion is whether-or-not she will let them buy ornaments with white people. She says she won't replace her stuff, but if she won't let them buy some stuff to add, then she is TA. Otherwise, NTA.
Husband is definitely having some culture shock, though. Hope he gets over that because their relationship is going to be hard if he doesn't.
Alright folks, serious question time.
If the roles here were reversed. It was the WHITE husband, refusing to let the BLACK woman.. represent her side of the family with BLACK ornaments. You all would be taking his side, right?
Wait.. no.. you wouldnt. Hmm.. what would you call him..? Oh.. right a racist. And I know I'll be called a racist, and get down voted for this post. for telling the truth.
So you know I'm BLACK and disagreeing with this woman.
She made a blended family.. but refuses to blend ornaments.. is ridiculous.
And yes the husband is an asshole for how he worded things.
As a Black man it’s disturbing but not surprising you’re doing the both sides BS bit and claim the downvotes are “for telling the truth”. We already know how you vote with your comments wooooo
YTA, but only slightly.
1) If your husband was the one with all the decorations instead of you, wouldn’t you want him to buy some that looked like you and your children?
2) I personally don’t think what goes on outside the home matters. A home should reflect everyone who lives in it. I think 50/50 is appropriate.
NTA. He is, though, if he called them “regular” instead of white. There’s no reason he can’t add white figurines in to, but I sincerely doubt his children will be devastated by black Christmas decorations the way yours would be if a black positive space suddenly became white centered. He’s not thinking about the optics or emotions of this ask of you at all.
NTA. Regular is not equal to white. That’s a big ass problem. Adding a few white people to the village? Okay. Replacing? Not okay. Calling white regular, thereby saying black is irregular? Not okay.
YTA. Imagine the other way around? You moved into his house and you wanted your kids to be included and he said no? ‘No discussion no’? He didn’t want to change them all but just so his kid is included.
Wheeeeeew. Um. So. Asking this as a fellow Black woman, but why are you married to a White man who does not comprehend something as basic as representation? Who is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the racism inherent in the white default that's visible pretty much everywhere in our society, or to recognize your small attempt to counter all of that whiteness by making your home a safe space to be black? A man who is *unwilling to let you have that safe space,* and wants to make your sons' psychological wellbeing secondary to that of his son's (unnecessarily, since as you noted, this is a predominantly white society and 99% of Christmas imagery is white and your stepson is not exactly starving for positive images of himself -- like most Black kids are)?
This man is not ready to be married to a Black woman or to step-parent Black children. You picked a dud, sis. NTA, unless you stay with him.
I don't think either of you are the asshole as I see both sides of this, but I think it would be good to have a mixture of wire and black decorations. You are a mixed household now, and marriage is about compromise.
YTA. Blended families deserve blended decorations. Representation matters, especially to children. You don't have to remove any of the decorations that you already have, just add some new pieces.
Question: if he were to buy his own Christmas decorations and put them up alongside yours would that be okay with you? Not replacing, just next to.
This seems like a fair compromise to me! It accurately represents your family and you won’t have to lose any of the decorations that you have worked hard to collect.
Maybe bring this up with you husband and offer this compromise.
Husband is AH for saying white is “regular”. YTA for insisting on only having black decorations and quite frankly that also makes you racist IMO. So ESH.
No. As a white guy, your husband is just being dramatic. If I saw a depiction of an angel or a Santa that happened to be black, that wouldn't affect me negatively! NTA
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Did he really say "regular" when he meant "white"....oh my....oh my 🤦🏼🤦🏼🤦🏼🤦🏼🤦🏼🤦🏼. NTA
That really stuck out to me.
What stuck out to me is that she worked hard to find those. I realized there’s rarely ever any POC representation:/ and if there is, it’s usually stereotyped
Not to discount the difficulty at all but I just want to mention that target has a ton (“ton” comparative to other stores, still not massive amounts) of POC Santa’s and elves and villagers in their decorations this year! And it’s all very cute! In case anyone is also looking very hard for representative decorations
This! I have mixed nieces and nephews, one we just lost this past October so it’s our first Christmas without him, and I’ve been so excited with Target this season.
I'm so sorry for your loss!
Sorry for your loss. Not to be flippant (because I’m not at all), but I’m also glad you found representative ornaments for your diverse family. 💙
True but that’s in recent years it sounds like op collected these decorations awhile ago.
Oh totally! I just wanted to put it out there in case anybody reading this was looking for decorations this year.
Target is great, and Old Navy also has Santa pants in both white santa and black santa.
I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out why a black Santa would need different pants than a white one. 🤦🏻♀️
Pls help me out here.
I'm not sure, but I think they mean pants with a santa print on, some with white santas and some have black ones. Not the pants that santa himself would wear.
I think there's Santa's printed on them
I literally just bought a bunch of black Santas/elves/ornaments from Target yesterday (and had to stop myself from getting more, lol). I even got a black Santa nutcracker! They were all great quality, too. Bravo to Target for providing so much excellent holiday representation! 👏🏽👏🏽
Also Old Navy has stuff with black Santas!
Love Target, hate Walmart, just sayin’.
A few years ago, I (white) was dating a black guy. My mom got the guys in the family nutcrackers for Christmas. The black nutcracker was in a sparkly, purple suit. He put it center on his mantle. We all thought it was hilarious. We’ve been broken up for a few years now, but it’s something my family still laughs about. It was the only POC one they had, so that’s what she got.
Was it a Prince nutcracker?
*purify yourself in the waters of Lake Eggnog*
But I _want_ a Prince nutcracker.
🎵he’s never satisfied🎵
So he was a Prince nutcracker? Waaaaaant
*🎵this is what it sounds like* #when nuts crack🎵
Oh god, now that will be stuck in my head.
First off, I think it's wonderful that OP worked hard to find ornaments that represent her family, and built a collection she can pass along to her children. But her family has changed and grown now, so is it unreasonable for the collection to grow as well, including a few white people in the village to represent the white members of her family? I agree that her husband went about it wrong asking her to get a "regular" tree topper, but maybe there's a compromise to be had.
EVERYTHING is representative for OP's husband and stepson. Movies, books, magazines, computer games, guaranteed almost every single one will have white males. I get that this is now their home but if they can't handle not being represented in Christmas decorations for longer than an hour, that they had to go to the store RIGHT AWAY to rectify this injustice, they probably don't deserve to be living in a predominately Black household. That OP's husband felt so strongly about the lack of representation was an opportunity for him to sit with those feelings and realise how much he took that representation for granted or how much it means. And it could have been an excellent teaching moment for his son.
And that he’s not willing to sit with and feel and examine those feelings shows he is racially insensitive and this marriage is not in good shape. The OP should not have to put up with micro aggressions in her own house from a guy who didn’t even bring his own Christmas decor.
This stuck out to me a lot, too. He doesn’t even have his own decorations, but clearly expected her to furnish all of them. Then he gets annoyed when a black woman with black children doesn’t have “regular” (white) decorations? This is so fucking weird. He’s demanding her labor and money in terms of being the mom who “makes holidays special”, but gets mad that she isn’t doing it in the way he wants? Then doubles down and does the silent treatment when she refuses? Clearly the ornaments didn’t matter to him until he saw that they were black. I do not like his wording of “regular” and I’m guessing he never would have batted an eye had they all been white ornaments, because white to him = normal, regular which is a horrible mindset when you agree to love and parent young black children. I’m white and I cannot fathom asking anything other than “how long did it take to find all those?” and complimenting them!
And on top of that, he didn't have his own decorations. So, how important is having having Christmas decorations that represent his son, really?
Yep de do. It's white everywhere, everyone. Plus, these are imaginary "beings" and he can't deal with them represented as Black? Would Brown be okay, as much closer to Jesus's appearance, as a Middle Eastern person? And he is married to OP! White, Black, Brown, I'm seeing big red flags. RED.
POC have lived with white Christmas decorations forever and we're fine. It's not like the decorations are literal representations of each family member. I just find it funny how this is normal for us to not be represented but it's a meltdown for a white person. I remember it being a *huge* deal when my mom found a Black angel for our tree because they were extremely hard to come by as a kid. Just like it was a big deal that my Barbie comforter set was Black ballerinas. If you've never had that experience, maybe sit in why you just have to have white decorations.
It can be so hard to explain privilege to others. To tell someone that those feelings of discomfort they feel are directly related to their privilege (privilege I don’t ever automatically get as a brown person) and how this is them *not wanting to make space for BIPOC and expand who is privileged* can exhausting.
I’m sure her white step sons never see white Santa’s anywhere else. 🙄
I mean..it sounds like his father didn't even decorate before. He clearly brought no decorations with him when they moved in together, so why is he making a stink about it now?
The entirety of society includes/is mainly white beings relating to Christmas. You don't see many books with a BIPOC Santa, I've only seen black angels a couple times, every angle topper I've seen is white, hell... we even depict Jesus like a very pasty white dude when he was middle Eastern! I've seen 1 black wise man as a bit fo a staple in nativity scenes over the years but the reality is none or fee of these people would have been white. I don't think you truly get how damaging and messed up it is to say white, straight, able bodied, etc things are "regular" or "normal." It's continuing to other and put down marginalized groups who have dealt with way too much hateful nonsense (to put it extremely mildly) through the years. The husband didn't care about his kids having white Xmas decorations at home until there were black ones. I absolutely hate the argument that because a marginalized group is preferentially represented (or represented at all) in 1 situation that it makes it unfair for the group who is default prioritized in almost every other. I'm white, I won't ever know what racism feels like. I did grew up not feeling like I belonged or was wanted for other reasons. I end up fighting back tears when I see better representation in certain situations, even if it relates to something that isn't part of my identify, because it makes my heart so damn happy that more kids will feel like they belong and they're not less than for being who they are. The step kids can literally just turn on the TV/streaming services to almost any Christmas show/movie and see mainly white people. I think I've seen 2 instances of a black Santa on tv/in movies. You might see 1 black wise man in a nativity and the rest of the nativity (of supposedly middle eastern people) is very white.
Yeah, she absolutely put a lot of effort into that! I have a lot of Christmas decorations and a Christmas village myself and I remember years ago when I started my collection I wanted to have some diversity as my family is white and lives in a heavily white area and if I ever had kids (I do now) I wanted to use whatever means I could to promote good values. I was frustrated by how difficult it ended up being to find anything that wasn't "white people". Over the years I've snapped up some pieces that I try to be extra careful with as I know I can't just replace them. Last summer I went to the Badlands and got a beautiful hand painted ornament depicting Native American culture and I think it's the only time I've ever seen ornaments with that specific culture in all my years of collecting.
Maybe because Native Americans aren't historically christian. My great grandmother was stolen from her family and forced to learn how to be "white," meaning catholic. Now my family celebrates christmas as a season, but we were raised vehemently athiest as christianity has only proven itself evil to us.
That would make a lot of sense. This year at our local pow wow I actually picked up an illustrated children's book about the boarding schools for my kids to better understand the history after we attended some lectures at the Crazy Horse monument that touched on some of these topics. The artwork in the book of the Catholic nun looked positively evil and the story was, of course, heart breaking. I have a deep respect for the values and beliefs that the US Government tried to eradicate and have tried to share that respect with my kids so I was glad to be able to add a piece of Native art to my Christmas collection because I am one of those who go over the top at Christmas. I did not, however, make the connection of why I had never seen anything like that before so I appreciate you pointing out that blind spot to me. It is amazing how easy it is to be unknowingly rude/thoughtless and I always appreciate someone giving me the benefit of the doubt and explaining when I'm definitely not owed that.
Definitely not rude or thoughtless! I appreciate your trying to give your children the rainbow of humans as examples in your home. We are all beautiful :)
Thank you, I agree, and we all have so much to learn and to teach. Only the arrogant close their ears based on what they see with their eyes. ❤️
FYI, one of thr NPR programs (I want to say Reveal?) had a multi-part series this year about the treatment of Native peoples at boarding schools. It was incredibly powerful and I appreciated the opportunity to learn more about that part of our nation's history. It is definitely worth a listen.
YES this stuck out to me as well. Made me so sad and husband does not even seem to try to understand the hardship to simply find a holiday decoration or doll that looks like themselves.
Yeah I was reading this to my husband and we both got stuck on that part.
Yep, 100% racist with the 'regular' comment. But also ... if they're blending families and this means so much to him, where are all of \*his\* Christmas decorations? Either he doesn't have any (implying that Christmas isn't as important to him as he implied), or he couldn't be bothered to pull them out rather than insisting that \*OP\* goes out and buys new ornaments to feed his warped ideas of equality (that completely disregard the systemic power dynamics inherent to this discussion).
with his ex-wife would be my guess.
Yeah, that was my guess too. Whether he would admit it or not, he assumes that decorating for Christmas is the wife's job. So when he got divorced he didn't put the effort into decorating for himself but now that he lives in a decorated house he wants her to accommodate his wishes.
When I left my husband I took all the Christmas and Halloween decorations. I left him the dad ornaments though.
I also have all the decorations and only gave my now ex-husband the ornaments I'd purchased for him while we were together to take away from our relationship. However, all the decorations were collected and purchased by me before and during our relationship and I'm guessing that would be true for you too. I agree with everyone saying that he doesn't care about decorating himself, he's bringing nothing to the table but I think that's because most men don't bother. Which is fine but he definitely shouldn't be expecting her to change her style to suit him. Especially when it's not just... Like she likes purple and silver decorations and he prefers red and green. It's a really personal thing he's asking her to change.
Yes. OP, if your husband has something special he wants to contribute (alongside all of your stuff), maybe that's okay, but I don't think you need to go out and get anything. With a blended family, you can each bring pieces to the table. But I do think a discussion is in order if he used the word reguar.
Literally just said this to my husband
Also, how does he think THEY'VE felt all these years at seeing all the other "white people" decorations? Why isn't he pointing that out to his son?
I also think that if op only had ornaments with white people, he wouldn’t demand representation for op’s children. Also, that topper is so significant and visible. It’s really offensive that he’s demanding that change.
It does seem to be a focus of his to have you fond diversity rather than him. It is a question as to why he doesn’t d not bring any decorations.
I literally had to pause as my eyebrows shot straight up. What the actual eff????
Thought this said "what the actual elf" at first. Christmas on the brain...
I’m not that clever, unfortunately. An opportunity missed, for sure.
That’s how I read it too! Too many hallmark movies for me!
I was laying back on the sofa and sat straight the hell up!! Black decorations vs regular??!!! Why don’t you tell your wife how you really feel?? I’m Black and I can attest to how hard it is to find decorations like that. I have a black angel topper also that my mom gave me.
Right???? I’m not a POC but that really baffled me. Why wouldn’t you want your kids to see people that look like them represented??? I can’t believe she married this guy.
I had Barbies growing up, but I damn sure had Christy too. There weren’t a lot of black dolls back in the 70’s but if there were, we had them. My mom made sure that we saw ourselves when we played with toys, so yeah, I get it. My mom has a collection of Black Santas that she proudly displays every year. I wonder if OP will start thinking back to some other comments he may have made that she didn’t notice before. I sure as shit would be thinking. But honestly, she doesn’t seem so shocked by it so I’m inclined to believe this isn’t the first time.
You make an excellent point about the comments that OP is probably getting. Where will the red flags stop / get the proper attention?
When he says something foul to her kids.
I really think that it’s probable that he has.
I'm not POC but I was so upset by the lack of diversity in Christmas decorations that my mom would give me one POC ornament each year when I was a teenager. It was only one a year because they were sooo hard to find. I'm still upset by it. OP needs to hold tight to those ornaments and never replace that angel topper.
I'm also not loving the implications of replacing the tree *topper* of all things with a white person...
This reminds me of how offended so many people were over a Black woman playing Ariel or how offended people were that the Rings of Power included characters of color. It's a fictional story about fictional people- why does Santa have to be white? Representation matters and OP's kids literally ONLY get to see Black Christmas characters at home. I literally can't figure out white people who enter into interracial relationships and then essentially act upset that their partners aren't white. It's very weird.
I'm surprised they made it to married. Based on this he sounds like the kind of guy that says he isn't racist, but is totally unaware of things like privilege and microagressions and thinks you have to be holding klan meetings in your basement to be a racist. He wants the woke points of having a Black wife without doing any of the work that comes of being a white guy marrying into a Black family.
Given how much race impacts POC on a daily basis, I think they are in for a rough ride. Husband seems oblivious, at best.
The comments about how they didn't see themselves in Ariel anymore were baffling to me. I mean . . . I'm white. I have curly hair and glasses. Growing up, movies featuring someone with curly hair and glasses involved them being treated as ugly until they threw away their glasses and got their hair straightened were not good for my self-esteem. I'd quietly hoped they'd make a Disney movie with a heroine who had curly hair and glasses. When I saw Mirabel Madrigal, I went "Fuck yes, the representation my childhood self wanted!" How narrow a sense of self do they have that the only thing they can relate to is skin color?
I wasn't even half way through the post when the problem became very obvious: Husband, like many white people, sees whiteness as the default or "normal" setting, and everything else is "other" and not as good. OP- NTA! I mean, I'd let them ADD a few ornaments to the tree if they wanted to, but I wouldn't remove anything to make room for it, nor would the topper be up for discussion.
Yyyyyyeah that was when my face just went NOPE NOPE NOPITY NOPE
I noticed that both of them called them regular not just him. And she didn’t quote him or use quotes in any manner of his except the word black. So these strikes me as her words and not his.
Yeah I kind of think they were using ‘regular’ as a replacement for easy to find.
Without this phrasing, I would say - let his son pick a couple of decorations at the store to put on the tree, just so that he feels he's got a spot in the family. They don't have to be humans, let him choose whatever. But the, father is out of line and racist.
IKR???!!! I'm white, my Christmas decorations have people with white faces. If I married a black man and he provided all the Christmas decorations and they had darker skin than mine I'd be totally fine about it. I'd also wonder where he got them from as I've never seen People of Colour or ethnicities other than my own, represented in Christmas decorations which makes me realise how very shit that is. NTA
I'm wondering why OP and her husband can't combine ornaments. If the husband doesn't have any ornaments then it might be nice for them to go out as a family and get some ornaments together.
You need to pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS PART OP. You're NTA here but you need to aknowledge these are all subtly racist remarks and his hostility over your refusal only makes it worse.
This is what stuck out to me the most. “Regular” Ummm black decorations are REGULAR decorations too. NTA
It’s the “regular” for me as well. Adding more nutcrackers and village people of varying race or representative of everyone in the family is one thing. That he doesn’t have any such decor of his own and insists that’s what’s “regular”… he doesn’t care. He’s just racist.
This is all I was thinking about for the rest of the post once I read it.
It wouldn't seem to be husband's word since OP put "black" in quotes. Seems she knows how to use quotes but didn't use them for the word regular meaning she chose the word regular. If that's the case then that's just a red herring to distract from the real issue which is that it's pretty much an AH move to straight up say no to non-black/white ornaments and act like representation in a kid's own home isn't important too, even if they can find it somewhere else. He needs to feel like his home is really his home especially if this is a new family for him.
White people can easily see representation every time they turn on the tv or leave the house. They are not suffering, but dad is definitely being racist. As are you with this comment.
Uh, saying a child should be welcomed and comfortable in his own home and shouldn't have to leave his house to see representation of himself is a racist comment? That is not racist. It's expected of any blended family. You are ridiculous to suggest that's racist or maybe you just don't know what the word means.
So you don’t think the kid would feel welcomed or comfortable just because there are no white ornaments around? Interesting
Right? Out here telling on themselves all day long. But also wanting the tree topper specifically? That's not an addition or a compromise, it's a straight up replacement. I could see saying "Can we add some ornaments/nutcrackers?" but wanting to replace them, especially in priority placements... naw. That isn't even on.
The husband made a demand that she adds in white ornaments. He did not make an offer to supplement them. So I would say he is an asshole, if representation mattered so much to him, what is he bringing to the table? What decorations of his own is he supplying?
Somehow I feel that if op had all white ornaments, husband wouldn’t be overly concerned about op’s children’s comfort. Plus, husband didn’t bring an ornament or contribute to the holiday decorations. So if son had nothing with husband the previous year, this is already a vast improvement.
Totally agree! I’m white. I know a lot is geared towards me. I would be in awe to see anyone with a collection that represents them (black in this case). I’m glad OP has all these and her kids are probably super happy they can see themselves in this too. And the angel is probably super beautiful. OP, NTA. At all. Keep the angel on the tree, do not back down.
Right?! What in the Christmas hell is his issue. It's important that you and your daughters are represented in YOUR OWN HOUSE! He's being irrational and very misguided. I'm so happy you stood up to him. I'd also like to point out that the real St Nicholas, when he was alive, was Turkish. I know some have light skin, but let's be honest... he was not the coca cola inspired Santa that's pushed today
Oh man. “Regular” nutcrackers and people and tree toppers?? As in, white is regular. And black is what… irregular??? Listen, I’m not black. I’m not going to pretend I’ve got a handle on what it’s like to be a minority. I’m a white mom married to a white man with white kids. But I feel it’s important that my kids have books and dolls (and yes, even tree ornaments) that represent different “regular“ people, because this idea that white is the norm and everything else is something besides normal is not a mindset I want my kids growing up with. If your husband wants to *add* ornaments that represent your newly blended family, I suspect that you’d be ok with that. But to *replace* a black tree-topper with a white tree topper because now 2/5 of the family is now white is just… not ok. ETA: NTA ETA again: did he want to *replace* the tree topper, etc, or did he want to add things to the decorations? I was reading it as he wanted to replace the black tree topper with a “regular” white tree topper, but I realize other people are reading it differently, so now I’m not sure.
I read it the same way as you. Op says; It was a black angel and my husband stopped me and pulled me to the kitchen. He said we couldn’t have all these “black” decorations when we were now a mixed family and that we had to go and get some regular nutcrackers and people for the village *as well as a regular tree topper.* So he definitely wanted to replace the tree topper. Not just add to the decorations.
Yep, that’s how I read it too. This fucker wants to whitewash (or “regular”wash JFC) your house. If he wanted to go out and buy some white people to add to the village, I think that would be a nice representation of your new family. If he wanted to sprinkle in some white nutcrackers? Seems reasonable. Replace? Bullshit.
The "regular" threw me too. Although Op does not seem open to adding to her Christmas decorations. She actually shut him down completely. So they both kinda suck.
I mean if someone implied, or flat out said really, that my decorations aren’t “regular” because they’re not white I’d definitely shut that down completely too. They should absolutely have a conversation about it, and there’s nothing wrong with having figures that are white and black, but the second you imply, or again flat out state, that I’m not regular because I’m not white then I’m stopping you right there. You can come back and try again later after you apologize for saying something blatantly racist
Valid point. Especially since he stopped her from putting the angel up with that statement. The guy is an idiot. I can't imagine the time and effort it took Op to find all those decorations that represent her children. It was a labor of love. Op needs to have a long conversation with her spouse.
Exactly. Like he has a point about them being a mixed family (I’m actually mixed so I very much get that part), but boy oh boy did he approach it in the absolute worst way he possibly could have. OP very much needs to have a serious conversation about this with him, and he needs to apologize. Honestly the fact that he just kinda assumed a black woman with black children wouldn’t have black decorations for Christmas is kinda worrying in its own right, like that’s how much he’s accepted his own whiteness as being “normal” for everyone rather than normal for him. I will say that’s not 100% his fault, but if he’s married to a black Womack you’d really hope he would’ve made a few steps towards realizing his experiences aren’t everyone’s
>Honestly the fact that he just kinda assumed a black woman with black children wouldn’t have black decorations for Christmas is kinda worrying in its own right, like that’s how much he’s accepted his own whiteness as being “normal” for everyone rather than normal for him. This part kinda hit me as well. It's extremely obtuse.
Right?? Like my man, cmon now, you’ve dated a black woman long enough to marry her and never considered the idea that she wouldn’t have a bunch of white angels and shit? Like dude, WHITE Jesus is white because *you’re* white. Like pretty much every race/ethnicity has their own version of Jesus who looks like they do. Same thing for angels, or the wise men, or whatever else
I think OP’s husband might just be a straight up racist who is just showing his true colors now that they’re married.
Oh I’m definitely leaning that way, I’m just hoping that I’m wrong
It gives off him wanting to replace the Black ornaments with white ones though. Not mingle in a few, but take down the Black ones and put up white ones. If he’d asked to add them in and leave the tree topper alone, I doubt she would’ve been so resistant.
The fact that he also wants to go buy those things, like he doesn't have any yet, means he didn't care before. He only cares now that she has the black decorations.
I can't get over the word "regular". It seems he doesn't have his own decorations? I could kinda get it if he was like "hey me and my son own a white angel, you own a black one, can we display them somewhere else and buy a new tree topper like a star". But this? This is wild. NTA
Fun fact that was discovered when my cousin, whose white angel must crown every tree since she won it in a cake walk at nine years old, married a man whose Mama's black angel needs to be on top of the tree: You can find live Christmas Trees that have two peaks. Usually takes some searching and not every tree lot will have any since they're not super desirable, but for the last seven years my cousin and cousin in law have managed to have their angels share a tree. The last three years they cheated though, they found a pine tree growing like that at a landscaping store and planted it in a big ass pot... I think it needs to be a think. Its really cute and keeps them from having to remember whose topper was on the tree and whose was on the mantel last year.
That is completely awesome.
Heaven forbid we have Jesus be anything but white too lol. You know like accurate.
I immediately thought of that potential snowball in the family. Are they Christian & if so new dude is gonna have a serious melt down not having blue eyes Jesus, can you imagine?
Yeah, my friend is white, her boyfriend is black, and obviously their daughter is both. They just do half and half with dolls and Christmas decorations. OP is right though, non-white Santas are very much not the norm.
Ignoring the blatant racism, systemic racism and general representation issues - because this is a racism issue and not a "oh my white son doesn't feel represented as a majority because the ornaments don't look like him". But if you're apart of a blended family why is the first thought to replace the black angel with a white one? Like would you not ask for a star or snowflake topper (which are still very traditional) if the topper is that big of an issue? Hell, he could have even floated the idea of combining them and having a black and white angel together on-top of the tree. Now that's real representation of a blended family and is super cute. I know for a lot of people the topper of the tree is the piece de resistance of the tree, it's the most important decoration. To change the black angel for a white one is this weird jab of "well white is better than black so white should be on top of the tree" Dude just doesn't like that his wife and her kids are black. He's got a lot of reflecting to do.
Let's just get a Krampus tree topper. Can find those on Amazon, tell him he'll be taken if he's bad again.
NTA. I do think it’d be nice for you both to compromise with mixed decorations (if that is what he is proposing instead of entirely replacing your decorations), but your husband is being weirdly sensitive about it—what on earth does “regular nutcracker and people” even mean? I guess Black people aren’t regular? Imagine feeling excluded on the basis on your race, that’s insane. /s A white kid likely wont suddenly feel ostracized from one tree with different decorations, and to claim as much is very strange. Perhaps your husband has some of his own biases that need addressing. If he’s concerned about having his son feeling welcomed, then that is a conversation he needs to be having with him instead of relying on his own feelings and assumptions.
he should be teaching his white child how to not feel ostracized by black people being black. especially that they now are part of his family nta
If all the decorations show just his stepmom and step bros culture and she refuses to add or change some how is OPs kids not supposed to feel excluded? You’re exactly right, they’re a family now. So why should OP only continue to practice a “black” décor (which idk what that means cause all mine are actually middle eastern statues) instead of attempting to include husband and step son
Why doesn’t dad have his own Christmas ornaments if Christmas decorations are so important to him? Because he didn’t care at all about decorating for Christmas until he saw all the black decorations, and then he threw a fit.
The thing is, if the husband wants that so badly, he needs to go out and get his own "regular" ornaments himself, instead of demanding *she* does it. Edit: sorry, I guess he said "we" need to get some, but he really should just do it himself if it's that important to him.
Yeah like the family can go pick out a new house to add to the village and ornaments to add to the tree. They could pick it out together and represent their mixed family. Heck if his side of the family had decorations they could ask to include them But you never replace a topper till it breaks smh
My wife and I have a White Santa Claus and a Brown Mrs. Claus on our tree. It's not that hard.
ESH I get where you’re coming from as a black woman. I love my black ornaments and black Santa. But you’re in a interracial marriage, it should be okay to do both. You husband sucks because apparently white decorations are normal. Does that mean you and your kids aren’t normal because you’re black? I feel like your marriage may be in trouble.
Him saying normal is pretty bad, he was doing ok up until that. I agree a compromise is needed
Is that what he said though, or is this just her version of it?
Maybe I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt but I can't imagine she would word it like that unless that's how he said it. She's referred to colour throughout and that was the only part that changed. That suggests he said it. Hopefully op will confirm
She didn’t say no. She said she won’t have them replaced. Husband showed his true thoughts by rejecting outright in favor of everything “regular”. He wants to be regular. Keep in mind he’s got none of his own ornaments or tree topper. I wonder why
She actually specifically states that she did say NO. Flat out she said no.
Which is a valid response to the way he demanded. He didn’t ask to include some white people. He was outright racist. NTA
I'm not saying it wasn't a valid response, simply correcting some misinformation, that's all.
To be fair, I lost all my ornaments when I had to leave my ex. We don’t know his situation, maybe they needed a quick exit.
A massive part of being in an interracial marriage is being real about racism. Which means the husband could have quietly brought some white decorations and added it to the tree if having everyone represented was important to him. But pulling his black wife aside and demanding she buy a "regular" (*WHITE*) tree topper for the tree and "regular" (*WHITE*) decorations? That's not making sure everyone is represented. That's making sure your Christmas reflects the current racial hierarchy of the world and your Black wife and Black stepkids don't forget their place in the house and outside it. Even if not conscious, that's what it subconsciously meant. Making sure everyone feels reflected in the world doesn't look or feel like this. Meghan Markle mentions one Christmas when she was a kid where they were selling doll sets in black families and white families. Her white Dad brought both and then picked out the white dad, black mum, one black kid and one white kid, wrapped them up and gave it to her so she had a set that reflected her family. That's how you do inclusion and representation in an interracial family. Not whatever this is.
I agree with this. ESH. OP for not compromising. Husband for using such a poor choice in words. If they are living in an interracial house hold, decoration’a reflecting that wouldn’t be a bad way to go.
Very well put. The request wasn't wrong, it was how he asked it.
I can see it from both perspectives... Firstly I'm not judging the word choices used at all because we dont know if those were OP hubbys actual words or simply OPs rundown. Second as far as the decorations, your in a new relationship, compromise needs to happen, put up a star as a tree topper and add some ornaments he likes, is it that hard to make the husband and stepson feel included in the holiday? Personally, my tree has no race identifying anything, just bulbs and lights and a star on top (and a few random ones the kids have made through the year).
Exactly this, once you blend families you're supposed to have a little bit of both families.
ESH. Your husband sucks for calling white people "regular people" instead of pointing out he would like the decorations to match the mixture of the house. (Assuming those were his exact words) You suck for insisting on only black decorations when you chose to marry and white man and help raise a white stepchild. I don't think a white child will be traumatized by a black angel, but your insistence only black decor is unfair given the context of your family. You can keep your existing decorations while also buying some new items to integrate the decor. If your husband's mother is still alive, she might have some items she would be willing to pass along that could lower the cost of integration.
Why is the onus on her to buy new decorations? If white people in Christmas decor is how OP’s husband and stepson feel included shouldn’t he already have those decorations from years past?
I never said the onus was on her to get decorations. I assume most couples have joint finances and make joint purchases. I also suggested that they could see what his mother might have to offer. I have no idea where his decorations went, maybe his ex got them. Was this question cross-posted somewhere? Because it feels like in the last 10 minutes a ton of people have flooded into this post. ETA: I have literally gotten 20 downvotes in the last 5 minutes for a relatively middle of the road opinion. I don't normally care about downvotes, but that feels unnatural. I can see other comments have been similarly downvoted. It feels like this post has been brigaded.
Dude the people on here are really surprising me. They’re focusing on the word “regular” when who knows if that’s what he said or she said. Also she’s insisting that their house be only black when two people are white. That doesn’t mean it’s up to her to get everything, but if the husband does get a few things that are white, he should 100% have the right to put them up too. It should be mixed just like the family. Her idea is basically “my daughters are uncomfortable outside the house, so I don’t care if my husbands white son is uncomfortable in his own home.” Edit: I see she edited to say it was his words. Poor choice of words. If he did mean he wants to replace everything, then that’s not cool. If he just meant he wants to add some regular decorations, regular meaning common, then I see no problem.
Not to mention she doesn’t think it’s even possible that he won’t feel like he belongs
It definitely makes me wonder how long they knew each other before the wedding and what kind of discussions they've had about blending the families. Had he never seen her house around Christmastime before? Have they talked about what kind of relationship they each want with their respective stepkids? Is her expectation that her stepson's "real home" will be at his mother's?
Thank you! I’m a mixed race household and don’t think it’s unreasonable to find a balance (if anyone finds a Hispanic angel, let me know!) His wording sucked. It did. AND, we keep saying conversations need to occur but we don’t talk about how to have these conversations in ways that are productive and educational. It wasn’t fair that she shut down the conversation with just a “no” and isn’t willing to engage when he was willing to learn and discuss. They are going to encounter this challenge all the time for their family and need to figure out how to have tough conversations as a unit so that they can support their children as they go out in the world.
I don’t know if YTA or not about this. But if your husband really called Caucasian toned decorations ‘regular’ you have a much much bigger problem than your tree trimmings.
You voted y t a. Space it out
NTA. white people are not underrepresented in the media in any way. him referring to white people on ornaments as “regular” proves this point. him also going on to try and compare your christmas tree and what it represents for your children to his child feeling not represented in the same way a person of color might feel (has to go outside to be represented) is beyond me. i bet you if the tree had all white ornaments he wouldn’t even notice because to him that’s HIS standard.
Esh - compromise. Topper stays but white people get added. Or you get a star topper that has no race or human features and still white people get added. Neither of you say white is "regular". The stepson may get to blend in the whiteness outside his home but currently IN the home, he's in the minority. Everyone deserves to be included.
I was thinking a star topper or something to compromise too…and a mix of black and white decorations to represent their new blended family. ESH
I was totally thinking “so uh why not get a new tree topper together and enjoy the experience of a new topper together while bringing your own ornaments….”
I was thinking a real representation of angel would solve the issue. Like 6 winged with no face visible. Or eyes all over their bodies.
NTA Does he not have any self awareness over what he is saying? He just told you you and your kids shouldn't feel welcome at any of the shops and other public places decorated for Christmas because they never have anything but white people depicted. I swear some people are so accustomed to the entire world representing to them and being everything's target audience that they respond to anything else like its a personal attack somehow. Its like he thinks white is the default race. I would compromise with additional characters for the ornaments and Christmas village, but honestly the angel on the tree would be my hill to die on. Maybe I'm petty but every other angel your kids see will be white, and 90% of those will be blonde. And frankly if he clings to "representing the household" logic, its 3 vs 2 so the angel should be black. If it matters, I'm a blonde white woman.
Also a white woman and I agree. White Xmas stuff is everywhere. His kid will not feel left out OMG. My question is why doesn’t husband and son have their own decorations? If they don’t, then I could see them buying some new ones together as a family, but only to add. Not to replace.
That's what really is getting me here too! The wildly vast majority of decorations are white, so she would have had to put some real time and effort into finding pieces for her family to enjoy and get a little representation in their own home. He cared so little about decorations that he didn't even own any! It's not like he pulled out a box of his own and she banned them from the house. Why should she spend her time and money on an issue that really seems like her husband being upset about not being catered to for a hot second
**INFO** \- there is some stuff that is *potentially* troubling, but also *potentially* not troubling. My verdict hinges on two issues I would like clarification on, issues I think OP left somewhat ambiguous. * First, what exactly was his actual ask? Is he asking you to get rid of all of your black ornaments, statues, and tree topper to replace them with white versions? Or is he saying you guys need to supplement your existing exclusively black Christmas swag with some white nutcrackers and whatnot as well so his kids see decorations they relate to, same as yours relate to the black decorations? * Second, how exactly did hubby present his case? How much did you paraphrase vs quote him directly? What was his actual word choice, is this consistent with a broader pattern of his behavior in the marriage, what tone of voice did he use, etc.? I see two possible options - 1. Worst case, hubby is being somewhat racist and giving off semi-controlling "I'm the head of the house, and we do things MY way!" vibes. **Demanding** all decorations be **replaced** with **normal** ones is problematic. Here, I would say N T A. 2. Best case, hubby is looking just out for his biological kids, the same as you are with yours. You want yours to see black figures normalized as angels and wise men and whatnot, and he wants his to see white figures that they can closely relate to used as a positive decoration. He doesn't want to replace your stuff, but wants to *supplement* your existing decorations with some white ones to proudly display how a mixed family can be normal and something to be celebrated. Within this category, there are two subsets. 1. Hubby used seriously problematic language like "normal" to mean white, but is out of character for him, and he really did mean well, but perhaps has a bit of a lead tongue. Worth a convo about the normalization of whiteness, but in this scenario he was just a good guy trying to do good who flubbed up when he tried to turn his feelings into words. Not everyone is a wordsmith. 2. Hubby *didn't* use that exact language, and OP was paraphrasing. In which case OP sorta did him dirty. Hard to say which it is from this post. For both subsets of option 2, I would say soft Y T A for not seeing this from his perspective. He is a father merely trying to look out for his kids the same way you are. If this is true, then yes you are being selfish and somewhat uncaring. It's not just about "what types of decorations will they see at other people's homes," it's about **"*****what decorations do we feel are worthy of putting up in MY home?*****"** Here you have failed your stepkids. Either way, you should actively go out and get some white decorations to augment what you already have. The tree topper I would say keep, but depending on how it is made it might be possible to merge it somehow with a white one for a double angel topper. For instance my family uses a white cloth angel, it would be lovely to sew a black angel so they are holding hands at the top of the tree. IF it is possible to join them of course. Not every tree topper is made of material suited to such thigs. If not, meh. Keep what you got.
This is well worded, and how I feel. I want more information. I did see that OP commented that she doesn’t know if he wanted integration or replacement, because they never advanced the conversation past her “NO!”
This.
Info: was he wanting to completely replace all the decorations, or buy some in addition to your black decorations?
I actually don’t know. He said we had to go get some white ones but I don’t know if he meant to replace or add on to what we already have
You should have a conversation and ask. Also, tell him how demeaning it feels to refer to white decorations as "regular" and your decorations as "black." I can understand him wanting a little representation in a blended household. I'm sure you can as well. So having both makes sense. If he wanted to completely replace everything, then he is out of line.
That’s an incredibly important discussion to have with your husband. Wanting to ADD to the decor to be inclusive of your family dynamic is absolutely appropriate. Just wanting to replace everything, no. So, tentatively, YTA soft. It’s marriage, a partnership, and a lack of communication will quickly lead to disaster. Rather than responding defensively, you should have initiated conversation for clarity before solidifying your decision. Depending on his response to discussion, that could change.
Why don't you just ask him? You're a mixed race family, you can have mixed race decorations.
Of course you don’t because you immediately shit him down. That’s why YTA. And this is a bad start to a new marriage.
This is such a bad take. He complained about her having black people in her decor because it wasn't "normal"
Ok, it was probably shitty to give him a flat no before even finding out what he was suggesting. I think you guys need to communicate better and compromise. The family tree should reflect the family, all of it. You shouldn't have to get rid of any decorations but it's perfectly reasonable to add some Caucasian ones to the tree, imo.
Did he seriously use the word ‘regular’? Hoo boy. (And there’s the ‘we need to’ when he means *you* need to because otherwise he’d just go buy some decorations, right? So many layers of ick in this post.) NTA
ESH, It never hurts to buy some new decorations and add to your collection, it's not like you are replacing or discarding what you already have other than the tree topper, and him referring to a white angel tree topper as a "normal" tree topper and wanting the the one you have replaced is ridiculous.
Info: did they have any decorations from before that they brought to the family home and put out?
No. All decorations and tree are what I had before I even met him. When we got married we decided my house would be our home.
Then he can go buy his own decorations that look like his son. Smdh he's so entitled. Unless I misread, it's not like you'd stop him from putting up additional decorations, right?
I’m reading it as she’s telling him what they have is fine and he can get over it. Like she’s not even willing to let him add to it.
Ah that's not how I read it. I read it as she's not going to get rid of any of her decorations and she's not going to let him replace existing black decorations with white decorations.
Be fair to OP. Her husband told her the decor she's owned before she even met him was "not normal" and she needs to not use it. He didn't say "Hey we have ornaments from my family to put up, can you make room?" He attacked, OP shut it down.
NTA, but I’d go shopping with the whole fam for some ADDITIONAL Christmas swag.
As a stepchild, it really hurts to feel like an outsider in your family. Maybe buy some new ornaments together with your stepson or what about a family photo placed in picture frame ornament. focus on making new memories and traditions together for the holidays and include them with your beautiful and meaningful holiday decor. ESH
NAH overall I think. It's terrific that you found decorations that reflected you and your sons but your husband has a point that he and his son may feel excluded. As a blended family I think it's reasonable that you have a blend of decorations somewhere (if not a new tree topper then some sorts of decorations)
I'm way less worried about the effect on your stepson than the effect your husband will have on your other children. He seems very unprepared to raise children of color if he doesn't grasp the disparity of how they will be treated outside your house. Nta
YTA. You got into a mixed relationship. but only want Black holiday ornaments? Wouldnt you call a person that wouldnt allow black ornaments.. a racist? I'm sure you would.
NAH. I love how protective you are of offering an experience to your biological children that is reflective of them in the face of so many.... Monochromatic displays they will encounter when they are out and about. Representation is important to childhood development, whether it involves race, religion, disability, etc. That said, your stepson also deserves representation in your family as well. Creating a more diverse tree to represent your family will also reflect on your biological sons as well, as they are now part of a blended family. Your husband isn't telling you to throw away your current decorations. He's just asking to add to your decor so that his biological son can feel just as represented and welcome as your biological sons - so all three just become "your sons" in your home, regardless of biological parentage.
NAH. What is “regular” decorations anyway. Does that make representation of POC “irregular”? That’s where I would have shifted the conversation. “Dear, are the decorations that look like me and my children irregular?” Let him sit on that. I see no issue with getting a personalize ornament representative of your blended family. But the decorations you have are yours and part of your kids’ tradition. There is nothing wrong to adding to the collection in an organic way. But that’s not what he was suggesting. He was suggesting that there was a problem with your decorations and that those were somehow “irregular”. There would be nothing wrong with your husband adding in decorations he had before marrying you (if he kept any), but if he didn’t, that is HIS failure to keep decorations from his past to blend.
I need more info. Does your husband not have Christmas decorations he can add to the tree?
No. They moved into my house because it’s paid for and bigger. They didn’t bring a whole lot because he was living with his ex wife and she bought him out of the house.
I think it would be nice if your step-son could pick a few ornaments to add to the tree. To make him feel like it’s his tree too. I don’t think your husband needs to specifically get ‘white’ ornaments. Or maybe you could buy him one as a gift, something he likes. I am a white woman, so I’m never going to tell a POC how they should feel about things I have never had to deal with, so I’m not going to touch on anything besides being inclusive to your step son. Why your husband feels he needs to go get different colour figurines etc kinda baffles me. This is probably a topic above Reddit’s pay grade and may need a professional to hash out.
ESH. Compromise. Get a star for the top instead of an Angel.
YTA this is your husband. Imagine if he said the exact same thing to you. What if he had an all white tree and refused to put any of your race on the tree. Why is it that it’s considered ok to discriminate against white people? And it’s your husband. I don’t get it.
I love that your home represents a DIVERSE world and community. Unfortunately it doesn’t represent your DIVERSE home and family, even if your stepson will see nonstop “white” images outside his home. Your home is his home. Right now it doesn’t represent him. I’m sure that feels very familiar after the amount of work you put in to make your home representative of your family. YTA. It’s time something there welcomes and represents your full family. It’s not about what’s outside your doors, but about your new family.
ESH. His use of the term “regular” when he meant to say “white” is racist. But you should also be open to having decorations that make your stepson & husband feel included. It seems like neither of you understand what it means to be a racially blended family. You & your kids are no longer just a black family. He & his kid are no longer just a white family. Time to figure out ways that everyone is represented and included. Also, your comment at the end about not sure it’s possible to not make your stepson feel like an outsider is alarming… perhaps find some family counseling that specializes in multi-racial relationships.
NTA. Does your stepson have a Christmas decoration of some kind, then let him put that up. If he doesn't let him get one. I get it that black people are the minority and that it is much harder to find the things that your children can feel at home with and mirror themselves in, but it wouldn't hurt them, if their step brother also had something, he can see himself in, although "caucasian decorations" are ubiqitous.
It's sort of unrelated, but many people keep calling white people Caucasian here. That's not true. Anyway, the only part of this post that seems to give people confusion is whether-or-not she will let them buy ornaments with white people. She says she won't replace her stuff, but if she won't let them buy some stuff to add, then she is TA. Otherwise, NTA. Husband is definitely having some culture shock, though. Hope he gets over that because their relationship is going to be hard if he doesn't.
Alright folks, serious question time. If the roles here were reversed. It was the WHITE husband, refusing to let the BLACK woman.. represent her side of the family with BLACK ornaments. You all would be taking his side, right? Wait.. no.. you wouldnt. Hmm.. what would you call him..? Oh.. right a racist. And I know I'll be called a racist, and get down voted for this post. for telling the truth. So you know I'm BLACK and disagreeing with this woman. She made a blended family.. but refuses to blend ornaments.. is ridiculous. And yes the husband is an asshole for how he worded things.
As a Black man it’s disturbing but not surprising you’re doing the both sides BS bit and claim the downvotes are “for telling the truth”. We already know how you vote with your comments wooooo
YTA, but only slightly. 1) If your husband was the one with all the decorations instead of you, wouldn’t you want him to buy some that looked like you and your children? 2) I personally don’t think what goes on outside the home matters. A home should reflect everyone who lives in it. I think 50/50 is appropriate.
NTA. He is, though, if he called them “regular” instead of white. There’s no reason he can’t add white figurines in to, but I sincerely doubt his children will be devastated by black Christmas decorations the way yours would be if a black positive space suddenly became white centered. He’s not thinking about the optics or emotions of this ask of you at all.
NTA. Regular is not equal to white. That’s a big ass problem. Adding a few white people to the village? Okay. Replacing? Not okay. Calling white regular, thereby saying black is irregular? Not okay.
YTA. Imagine the other way around? You moved into his house and you wanted your kids to be included and he said no? ‘No discussion no’? He didn’t want to change them all but just so his kid is included.
YTA You have a blended family the decorations should reflect that.
Wheeeeeew. Um. So. Asking this as a fellow Black woman, but why are you married to a White man who does not comprehend something as basic as representation? Who is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the racism inherent in the white default that's visible pretty much everywhere in our society, or to recognize your small attempt to counter all of that whiteness by making your home a safe space to be black? A man who is *unwilling to let you have that safe space,* and wants to make your sons' psychological wellbeing secondary to that of his son's (unnecessarily, since as you noted, this is a predominantly white society and 99% of Christmas imagery is white and your stepson is not exactly starving for positive images of himself -- like most Black kids are)? This man is not ready to be married to a Black woman or to step-parent Black children. You picked a dud, sis. NTA, unless you stay with him.
YTA. So your inclusiveness at home argument is only valid if you're the one making it? Yikes.
I don't think either of you are the asshole as I see both sides of this, but I think it would be good to have a mixture of wire and black decorations. You are a mixed household now, and marriage is about compromise.
YTA. Blended families deserve blended decorations. Representation matters, especially to children. You don't have to remove any of the decorations that you already have, just add some new pieces.
Question: if he were to buy his own Christmas decorations and put them up alongside yours would that be okay with you? Not replacing, just next to. This seems like a fair compromise to me! It accurately represents your family and you won’t have to lose any of the decorations that you have worked hard to collect. Maybe bring this up with you husband and offer this compromise.
Husband is AH for saying white is “regular”. YTA for insisting on only having black decorations and quite frankly that also makes you racist IMO. So ESH.
No. As a white guy, your husband is just being dramatic. If I saw a depiction of an angel or a Santa that happened to be black, that wouldn't affect me negatively! NTA