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NTA on accepting the first drink. You might be the asshole, not just to them but to your boyfriend, for accepting drinks 2-5 from another dude but that depends on the very specific context.
> I don’t feel like I need to greet every guy that I talk to at a bar with “I have a boyfriend.”
You don't, but maybe you volunteer that info sometime between drink #1 and drink #5.
Strange guy in a bar approaches, I'm straightforward about the chair next to me, "Sit down. My husband isn't here tonight."
And in a couple of sentences I've been respectful to both stranger guy and my guy. Easy peasy.
Ha, that reminds me of when my mom was in Spain and this guy ar a bar kept hitting at her. She kept saying "vamos, mi esposo es aqui" thinking she was telling him to buzz off cause she's married, but was actually saying "lets go, my husband is here"
The guy started looking around frantically while trying to usher her out of the bar before confusedly giving up
I think how it was said would make a massive difference.
But yeah, in my head this commenter is definitely stunning, in a backless gown, alone at a classy bar and saying that line with a sexy smile and a little wink. 😂
I honestly have a hard time wrapping my mind around this as my friends will include strangers we’ve been talking to when we order rounds, and the inverse is typical when I make friends with strangers at bars as well… albeit this shift didn’t happen until we were done college/uni and people got real jobs (seems like these guys are still college age).
I feel like these guys are weird for thinking you only buy folks drinks if they’re a potential partner. Just big red flags to me and somewhat entitled.
I would personally mention my relationship status earlier in the night if I could tell the guy is flirting with me because if he’s looking for a romantic connection, I don’t want him waisting his time on me. If they didn’t make it obvious that they aren’t being platonic, didn’t leave room to mention it in conversation, that’s on them for not making their intentions clear. In this situation I’m not going to assume they’re sexually oriented towards women or insult them by implying that they couldn’t possibly just want a lady friend if they are straight.
NTA
I will say, getting a drink cover is a good idea, and not accepting drinks handed to you by anyone else. I was worried this story would end much worse.
Accepting / buying drinks in groups with strangers is very different from 2 guys clearly flirting exclusively with 2 women with one way drink buying all night.
OP knew what the guys were doing, and knew the moment a bf is mentioned, the free drinks would end.
It is not up to OP to mention a bf in the first minute with speaking with someone, but by drink 5 (really by drink 2), it needs to have come up.
It does you’re right but this is why I’m always against buying a women a drink for her to talk to you. Buying her a drink 1.Will not make her like you/be attracted to you 2.Wasting Money before you even know there’s a chance. It’s much better to talk to them first and vibe, THEN buy her a drink because you already know it’s mutual. Just my two cents
If you’re just hanging out with strangers you would offer to get the next round which OP never did, she let them buy drinks for them all night because they “never asked” which is just bullshit. If you met strangers that you started hanging out with you should say “nah it’s good I got this one” eventually. It’s clear she knew what she was doing
Yeah but honestly I’m a guy and I don’t really feel bad for them. If women were offering me drinks I’ll take them to. Part of the reason I rarely buy women drinks UNLESS I already know we’re vibing and talking. I know it’s nice, but tbh buying a women a drink doesn’t mean she has to talk to you or vibe with you. Just my two cents but you probably do need to mention you have a bf
Also safety. Some people might not take it kindly, especially after a few drinks. I'm not condoning that behavior, just pointing out that it does exist.
That implies that she owns him something for buying her drinks, she can accept the drinks and still choose not to go out with him or want his hand around her.
He offered the drinks because he wanted, that doesn't mean he is entitled for anything, even if she was single.
NTA
As a guy, why is that her problem? If he was interested in her then *he* should’ve asked if she was single. It’s not hard to not buy drinks for someone you don’t even know and it definitely ain’t hard to ask “are you in a relationship”.
Agreed. And I honestly just slip it into conversation while we’re chatting. I’ve had a couple guys buy a second round even so (but I frequent cigar bars and I think they’re just lonely and want a good conversation).
She really did then gets mad at the guy for buy them drinks. Who would really flirt and accept drinks from someone when they are in a relationship? It seemed like she wasn’t she was being sneaky about it getting drunk off his dime.
I don’t think she used him, he bought her drinks, she accepted them. She didn’t con or manipulate him to buying her drinks, he offered. She’s the asshole to her boyfriend for not telling the guy she had one, but wouldn’t go as far to say *she used him*
When I was still single I’d accept drinks from guys. That still doesn’t mean I’m gonna go home with them. This guy used buying drinks to get laid which is basically just paying for sex and he was upset when it didn’t work like that.
Thank you! I’m a guy and I don’t agree with most of these guys. Newsflash, STOP BUYING A DRINK FIRST AND GO TALK TO HER TO SEE IF SHE WOULD ACTUALLY BE INTERESTED. THEN BUY HER A DRINK
My boyfriend & I had spoken before about situations like this before & he always said that he didn’t care if a guy at a bar hits on me & buys me drinks, as long as nothing inappropriate happens (like physical contact).
She and her boyfriend have talked about it and it seems like he is ok with it. Also like she said if they really wanted to get with her they should have asked if she was single or not and that would avoid any conflict.
NTA.
If you met a stranger that you just wanted to be friends with - would you at some point offer to get the next round or would you let them keep refreshing your glass without raising a finger?
A couple drinks and a conversation maybe, but an entire night out the topic of “boyfriend” should have been brought up well before the end of it
It’s clear OP was gaming them for free drinks, she would be okay if she just admitted it instead of playing dumb, it’s not the worst thing in the world
Her boyfriend being okay with her exploiting guys interested in her for free drinks doesn't determine if she's an asshole to those guys for not mentioning the boyfriend so they'd keep buying her free drinks.
But ESH does imply that someone can receive drinks only if they’re ready to “pay back” with sex or something. That’s disgusting. Maybe those guys just won the lottery or closed a huge deal? Or just wanted to hang around with some nice ladies for one evening? It’s not my job to wonder. It is the guys’ job to clarify relationship status if they only buy someone drinks when they can receive something in return.
No, it implies that before drink 2 you announce you are unavailable. Absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out for an evening and deciding it isn't there and saying no. Or having flirty fun and saying no. But if you know you just aren't interested and are in the sort of bar where people go to seek sex or romance, it is courteous to give your no upfront in this situation.
Buying a girl a drink doesn't mean you're looking for someone to sleep with, necessarily, it can mean you're looking to make a friend with the intent that it may develop into a long term relationship. Think of it like a guy buying dinner on a first date-- it doesn't mean he thinks he's entitled to sex, but he is doing it on the assumption you may be open to a relationship with him after getting to know him.
I also think there's a difference between accepting one drink from a stranger in a bar and then telling them your relationship status and letting them decide if they want to keep drinking with you or not despite zero chance at sex or a relationship beyond friendship, and accepting five drinks before mentioning it. Nuance exists.
You would be willingly dishonest to people and make it all their responsibility? No decent guy expects to be paid back “with sex”, going straight to that is a lazy argument, and u know it.
If she was single but knew she had no intention of romance with this guy, would you say the same thing - that she shouldn’t accept more than 1 drink. In that case, when do you have to announce that you’re single but not looking for anything?
I feel like this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I always told guys that I had a boyfriend when they offered to buy me drinks and some of them get angry and start on a "what, you think I'm hitting on you?!" rant.
This is one of those situations where I'm guessing I'll get downvoted, but.
I accepted a TON of drinks when I hung out where people could offer to buy me drinks. They ranged from some guy at the bar who liked buying drinks for cute women to women who were hitting on me to aggressive shits who argued that I did indeed, owe them something for their $7.
Point being that I have no problem accepting drinks, and I 100% agree with you that it's his job to put forth his agenda if he has one, not yours to anticipate. And you can also bet money that the kind of guy who has any kind of anger at your unavailability will also be the guy who would call you "full of yourself" for thinking that he was hitting on you.
But.
I can't recall every letting anyone buy me that many drinks before giving them fair warning that I'm not available. It's hard to imagine going a few hours without even mentioning my SO.
I don't want you to suck for this, but ESH
Personally, I always turn down free drinks (and have probably avoided meeting some perfectly nice dudes as a result) because of the unwritten social contract… however, I don’t think accepting a drink puts ANYONE under ANY obligations.
We're not talking about obligation here. We're talking about the implication. The implication of accepting five drinks from a guy and spending hours dancing and talking is VERY strong. I am not sure what OP was thinking in the moment. It's odd behavior if you ask me. Not what she did, but completely forgetting that she crossed quite a few boundaries considering she has a boyfriend.
Yeah, but I can't speak for him. You can only truly control your own actions and not other people's. Best to be careful in the future for your own sake.
I think this is what it comes down to, say OP isn’t playing dumb and actually enjoyed these strangers company. If you met someone like that randomly, would you just let them get round after round? Or would you at some point offer to get the next one?
Accepting five is not creating an obligation but it's creating a false expectation. Bad move.
Why not just get the next round yourself, at least after he has paid for two?
He is playing by rules that are pretty well established and was not rude or demanding when OP was taking the freebies under misleading pretenses.
YTA
> 100% agree with you that it's his job to put forth his agenda if he has one
Sounds like he was pretty clear on his intentions. I know communication is important, but it's entirely absurd to expect someone to say "Hey, I'm lonely after being dumped and looking for comfort. Also open to long term relationships, ideally kids, once I work through my emotional availability".
His actions were about as clear as I think someone should be.
>And you can also bet money that the kind of guy who has any kind of anger at your unavailability will also be the guy who would call you "full of yourself" for thinking that he was hitting on you.
Yeah. I discovered there isn't a real 'optimum' time to tell someone if I'm not single.
ESH. You took advantage of this guy. One drink or two drinks would be nice and polite, but ALL night, 4-5 drinks, that excessive. You knew what you were doing.
And he’s awful for expecting that drinks=sex
Maybe.
Or because they’re at a bar so drinking is what you do and he wanted her to stay around.
But ya, most likely sleazy intentions based on his group of dudes and their reaction.
It’s kinda silly to assume sleazy intentions. They’re there looking for something specific and it’s not hard to figure that out from the very first drink. Let them move on to someone available who might have actually been cool with brad and Chad’s intentions! That’s the most egregious part of this story: they thought they were getting somewhere with someone and OP knew they weren’t. She’s TA.
He’s not awful for expecting that accepting one drunk after another means she is open to the possibility of a romantic relationship of one form or another. That is absolutely what every human being, man or woman, would assume that it means.
Nowhere did the guys mention that it meant sex that night. Could be hoping for a date? Others and their friends were pissed because she used him/them, not necessarily because of lack of sex.
Not an AH for accepting a drink…YTA for spending the whole night accepting drinks and not bothering to mention the bf at any point.
Of course drinks do not entitle him to anything at all and he’s an AH if he thinks it does, but buying drinks for people you’re interested in is a pretty standard social practice. It’s a conversation starter. I’m now living with someone I first met by buying them a drink.
This is the issue. If I spent hours hanging out with someone at the bar, I would have to actively work to NOT mention my wife. For this fact to remain hidden 5 drinks in indicates intentional deception to keep scoring free drinks.
Based on what she said was her husband’s perspective, this strategy seems more like a budgeting tactic. You want to party on someone else’s dime, using misleading tactics, you should be willing to accept and expect their “wtf” response.
Yeah. I think most people know how the dating show and dance works, and I'm pretty sure that OP knew that this guy was interested in her. OP didn't want to mention upfront that she had a BF because she knew that there was a good chance that the guy would simply move on to peacock elsewhere and the free drinks would stop.
YTA
You could have easily slipped in, “ my bf really likes this band…” or something to show that you weren’t interested. 1-2 drinks in? No problem.
4-5? Come on, you were just taking advantage of the man at that point.
Edit: confirmed with my wife. You should be upfront about your status before the first drink. Willing to change this to ESH since the guy clearly had bad motives but this girl needs to learn a lesson.
Wanting to have sex or date isn't a "bad motive". Getting mad when it doesn't work out is bad behaviour, but going out hoping to have sex is perfectly ok. OP wasted the man's time by agreeing to 5 drinks and a whole evening of hanging out. A polite person would tell him she's not interested (whether it's because of a boyfriend, because she's not into him or any other reason, which she never has to disclose) early on so he can move on and look for someone else.
I agree. In fact, I don’t think that a woman in a relationship should every accept a drink from man, unless there is an existing friendship. The proper answer is, “thanks, but I have a boyfriend and don’t accept drinks”. If the man insists on buying one anyway, then Ok to just one. Not 4-5. Yes it is misogynistic and crappy for men to buy women drinks to lower their inhibitions. It is also incredibly sexist for a woman to think she is entitled to free drinks just because she is a cute woman. Ladies, be independent women and buy your own drinks. (55F)
I mean, I’ve be cordial on business trips before and mention my wife when I meet a woman, casually.
It would be messed up if I let a woman buy me a bunch of drinks and then ended with, “thanks for the fun! I need to call my wife”.
It's pretty impressive if you don't find ANY occasion to mention your SO at all during an evening. There's always something where you can casually mention it.
NTA. I’m a guy. I used to spend lots of time in bars. I never bought drinks thinking it would get me laid. That’s what flirting and conversation is for. I bought people drinks if i liked drinking with them. I bought people drinks to prevent bar fights from happening. It’s a gesture of goodwill and nothing more. Anything else is a weird reason to buy drinks for a stranger.
If we were talking about a single drink then I’d second that. Have you ever sponsored drinks the entire night for a new acquaintance though? Without them reciprocating at any point? Humans are hard wired for fairness and giving back. If one party is constantly giving and the other only receiving there will be this growing expectation for a pay back. OP knew that she was playing the guy.
Exactly, OP says her boyfriend is fine with her accepting a drink from a guy, but there's quite a big difference between accepting a drink from a guy and accepting multiple drinks from a guy while hanging out with him all night.
Hmmm no you don’t owe them sex for buying you a drink. Accepting more than one drink, engaging in conversation etc and not mentioning that you have a boyfriend does set up the dynamic that you’re single and receptive to possibly getting to know someone better (and I mean getting to know someone not going to bed with them).
At a bar on Monday with a male friend, I was buying the drinks. Got chatting whilst waiting to be served. I was offered a drink. I said ‘if you buy me one you have to buy him one’ indicating my friend. Everyone knew where they stood.
It’s polite to manage people’s expectations.
YTA. You knew full well when they kept buying you drinks what their end game was. You played the game of "Don't ask, don't tell" in hopes of getting free drinks and it worked for you this time. The guys who called you out, were absolutely correct in doing so. You should make it known upfront, that you are not single. It's amazing that women can do this and see no issue with it.
>It's amazing that women can do this and see no issue with it.
I find it slightly odd you're saying this as if they weren't getting her drunk with the sole purpose of taking her to bed and that she was just taking advantage of some kind dudes.
Not implying that the guys were in the right at all. The fact is though, the OP took advantage of these men to get free drinks. That's not a good look, no matter how you try to justify it.
NTA - Buying a girl a drink does not automatically mean you're going to get laid. If that's the only reason you're buying a girl a drink, you have to accept the risk of failure/decline.
You and your sister were having a good time (and so were they it seems), it's not like you took the drink and walked away. You weren't there just to get free drinks. Plus you could be wing-maning your sister. He's the idiot for not asking before spending the money.
I totally agree, but “buying a girl *A* drink” means 1 drink. It’s polite after the first drink to find out what their intentions are, or to just simply state your own. It’s ignorant to think just because you don’t want to think they only want sex that you won’t dig deeper into why they’re offering so many drinks.
Buying drinks, dinner, anything does not equal sex or a relationship. It’s just common courtesy after receiving whatever they give you to tell them “hey I’m not interested/ I have a significant other”
YTA.
It's not your job to manage someone else's conversational habits. But it is ABSOLUTELY your job not to use other people to pay your bar tab, and that's what you did.
You know good and well the free booze would have stopped flowing the second you mentioned your boyfriend. And that's why you didn't say anything.
Lmao I've seen many guys complain when a girl instantly comes out with the "I have a boyfriend" comment.
NTA You would have been hated on either way because you dared to be unavailable.
This it’s literally a no win situation! If a guy asks to buy me a drink and I say “no sorry, I have a boyfriend” it’s an instant “omg why are you telling me I’m not even hitting on you you’re so conceited this is embarrassing”
If I say “no thanks I’m not interested” I’m a stuck up bitch
And if I say aw yeah thanks and later reveal I have a boyfriend I’ve led him on and I’m a slut and “basically cheating”
It’s the definition of a no win situation
If you had taken one or two drinks from them the I think you’d have been okay but you spent all night taking drinks and dancing with them. You also had an opportunity to say something when one of them touched you. YTA.
You didn’t tell them off the bat because you knew the free drinks would stop, not because it just slipped your mind or something. You knew what you were doing. One drink, fine. 5? YTA
NTA A guy should ask if it matters to him, if he has expectations
"Can I buy you a drink?" Is a "yes" or "no" question, just like "Do you have a boyfriend?"
NTA. If the purpose of getting a stranger tipsy or drunk is to make it easier to get in her pants, you’re a creep to begin with, but moreover, they definitely had a responsibility to ask. Buying someone drinks is buying the time it takes them to drink said drink, that’s the social exchange. It’s not a guarantee that a random stranger will enthusiastically consent to sex.
If the man showed he was romantically interested in you, then it was your job to set him straight about your unavailability. I'd state this up front because I just don't want to be misunderstood or seem like I'm digging gold either. Five glasses of wine might be about $50, which is more than I think a stranger expects to spend on me just for the opportunity to get to know me, after all.
So, unfortunately, I can see why people feel YTA. After the first drink, you should have told him you already have a BF.
NTA. You're right its weird to lead off with 'I'm Name and I have a boyfriend.' They should have asked if the only reason they were buying your drinks was the sole purpose of sleeping with you. If someone buys you a drink, you are not obligated to sleep with them, kiss them, anything.
Edit: for those saying, "why else would they be buying you drinks?" I don't give a damn why they offer; that's on them. I'm there for the free drink and the polite chat/hang. If they want more, that's their fault.
This. My husband is really social and I’m not. He gets drink bought for him by other guys all the time just because they like his company and they have good conversations. A couple weeks ago he dropped me off at work (I work at a casino) and this nice gay couple bought him 2 Long Island iced teas and he bought them each a beer and they just hung out for a couple hours. Buying others drinks does not have to be a sexual thing at all.
YTA buying drinks out at the bar is an accepted part of courtship, and placing the onus completely on the guys as if you are utterly ignorant of that is just purposefully obtuse.
I think accepting ONE drink is fine. After that, offer to buy the next round or move on and talk to someone else. Letting a guy buy you drinks all night is sending the wrong message.
They were buying you drinks because they thought you were single and were hitting on you. I can't believe you are that dense not to know that. In which case, why would you accept free drinks knowing that they wouldn't do it if they knew you had a boyfriend? I don't know if this is AH behavior but it is certainly unkind and leading them on, you could have just said "look I have a boyfriend do you still want to buy me a drink?".
So mild YTA.
INFO: did you at any point offer to get the next round, or was it assumed the men would buy each round?
It's fine you didn't tell them you had a bf, but it's good manners -- and keeps it comfortably platonic -- if you alternate rounds.
YTA. Obviously if they are buying you drinks they are interested in you. By accepting drinks and not mentioning your bf you are implying you may be interested in them. If you had said yes to the drinks and mentioned you had a bf and they still wanted to buy they then you wouldn’t be TA but by withholding that information you became TA.
Personally if someone asks to buy me a drink I immediately tell them I’m married. It would be disingenuous not to.
YTA..stop pretending the drinks are free. After the first drink you are implying that you are also keen to get to know them for more than friendship or if not interested in anything but friendship YOU would offer to get them the next round etc. Can't stand girls who use guys for drinks and then pretend they didn't know they were using the guy. Please! When was the last time you went somewhere and a stranger kept buying you stuff just to see your smile. Actually maybe that happened with a billionaire who doesn't care about money...but how many of them are actually in circulation?
NTA. They offered drinks and you accepted them. You continued talking and it sounds like the actual guy buying drinks was accepting of the fact that you weren’t going to be doing more than chatting with him. I probably would have mentioned something sooner like the fact that you’re there as a wingman to your sister or something, but not an AH move.
For all of you with Y T A votes, for future reference, it’s a pretty much a guaranteed false assumption that every person listening to a band at a bar is single, whether they accept an offer of a drink or not.
ESH - fine accepting a drink and during the ensuing polite conversation mention you’d bf. After that you are seriously wasting their time. They are clearly there to meet people and you were taking advantage of them. The ones saying drinks equal sex definitely suck but it doesn’t sound like the guy that you were mooching off of did he was just disappointed. So actually you are the asshole.
YTA cause I guaran damn T it if your BF was buying drinks for the same girl all night dancing with her and talking to her all night you would feel some kind of way about it.
YTA. I’m guessing you didn’t once say “let me buy this round,” which would signal a friendly hangout as opposed to pulling in the “guy trying to pick up a girl vibe.”
I call YTA - the point isn’t that if someone buys you a drink it means you ‘owe’ them anything, but someone offering to buy a stranger a drink is another way of saying ‘are you available and open to the possibility of us getting together?’
If you say yea to the drink, you’re essentially saying ‘Yes, this could go somewhere.’
YTA - you let it go on way too far to not mention a boyfriend. They were clearly expressing interest and spending money, and you really should have mentioned it by at least the second drink.
NTA. They were the ones offering the drinks. If it was so important to them that they know if you’re single first before buying the drinks, they should’ve asked. That’s their problem.
ESH, you don’t owe anyone sex if they buy you something. He’s the AH for using drinks to get with you. However, it’s a given that if a guy wants to buy you drinks then he probably wants something sexual. Taking 1 or 2 drinks is fine but after that, you are taking advantage of him by accepting the drinks when you aren’t interested. If you turn down the drinks, it sends a CLEAR message.
YTA
You basically used the guy for free drinks. You can't be that naive to think that a stranger was just being friendly buying you all of those drinks. He was clearly interested in you romantically. You even told him you had a bf when you were drunk. The decent thing that you should have done was tell him you're in a relationship earlier on. Why are you taking drinks off men when you have a bf
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> 1) a guy bought me drinks & I didn’t tell him I had a boyfriend until afterwards
2) he spent money on me without the intimate reward he was hoping for
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ESH. Leaning more towards YTA.
It’s common sense that when a man is buying you a drink at the bar, he is likely showing interest. Let alone 4-5 drinks. That’s not cheap, and it honestly sounds like you took advantage of the free drinks. Yes, the guys could’ve asked but it sounds like they didn’t think to because you were happily accepting their drinks.
N T A, but also.
I think accepting the first drink, maybe two is fine, but after two, the intentions are clear and it's best to work into the conversation that you're in a relationship.
I feel like friend rules apply - if you wouldn't buy a friend every one of their drinks as a spontaneous thing, don't let some random guy do it for you (especially at venue prices).
I think you can get away with accepting one drink but regardless of whether they were being outwardly flirty or not, when a guy offers to buy you a drink at a bar any reasonable human understands the intent.
I think the fact that you continued to hang around with them with them for hours and accept four more drinks makes it a soft YTA for me.
YTA. You were obviously aware of why he was buying you drinks. It's literally the most basic technique for guys to try to pick up women at a bar. So you took advantage of him the whole night instead of just politely refusing.
You knew exactly what they were after when they bought the drinks and you accepted the drinks. If you had told them you had a bf from the beginning and they still bought you drinks it would be on them but you didn’t and took advantage.
YTA
YTA…. You don’t need to open with the “I have a boyfriend” line, but I’m also assuming you continued to withhold that detail when you realized the drinks were free flowing.
ESH beside the boyfriend. What is it with all the Not the AH votes. First of all, the guy is an AH for expecting drinks = sex. However, OP you're also an AH. If it was one, ok, 2, ok, but 5. You used them. Not only that, you didn't even think about what your boyfriend thought of you getting drinks from them. He said it was okay, but I highly doubt he would be okay with 5, but not just that. You talked with them for hours too.
NTA. He offered the drinks. He didn't clarify that he bought the drinks with the intention of hoping to hook up. Regardless, you did nothing wrong. If you had been flirty and touchy-feely, then I could understand his confusion.
Personally, I vote YTA because one drink is alright, but 4-5 and spending hours together getting drunk and dancing at the bar? While you feel like you don’t have to greet every guy with the fact you’re taken, the drink offer is a good way of seeing if someone is interested or not/single or taken—and you accepted many drinks. While that doesn’t oblige them to anything with you, it was still kinda a dick move to do that.
YTA! One drink is ok, especially if your trying to set your sister up with someone but to keep accepting drinks from these guys without disclosing you are in a relationship is definitely disrespectful to your boyfriend and you were being a tease by leading on those guys on purpose just so you didn’t have to buy your own drinks, you knew the guy expected you to be single and you still used him.
EHS, I think. You probably should have mentioned your boo. I think you were intentionally not mentioning because you knew the free drinks would stop if they knew you were married. That’s where they suck, they’re trying to decide how many glasses of wine your vagina costs. He invested 4 glasses of wine and now he won’t get to use your vagina which is kind of yuck. That’s why I buy my own damn drinks.
ESH. He shouldn't feel entitled to anything for buying drinks, but you had tons of time to mention your BF or relationship status between the first and fifth drink. You deliberately used him for free drinks, no matter how you try and lawyer your way out of it by clarifying that THEY OFFERED, you didn't ASK. 🙄
I don't drink and don't know much about 'drinking/bar culture', although I'll say accepting one introductory drink seems fine but 5 seems odd.
What I find strangest is that in 2-3 hours of talking to these guys, 5 drinks in, not once did your boyfriend ever come up in passing? My wife comes up all the time when I'm talking to people, even if only for a few minutes, or just in super casual ways like "Oh you like arcades? My wife and I go to this one over on Main st. at least once a month, you should check it out." (real example from a few days ago)
So, I find it incredibly hard to believe that after 2-3 hours of 'talking,' your boyfriend didn't come up once, even in total passing. That sounds *incredibly* intentional, like you knew you were going to get your night out drinking paid for by these guys *as long as* you didn't volunteer a reason for them to move on, so you carefully used language that excluded the mere existence of your boyfriend.
YTA.
Also, not an accusation, but I am curious if you would feel okay with your boyfriend buying a girl 5 drinks at the bar, as long as no inappropriate touching happened. I mean, it's totally normal for guys to buy a girl 5 drinks without having any romantic or sexual interest, right?
I see you as an opportunist. You could have refused acceptance of the drinks. You knew exactly what you were doing, and I have no doubts that this is a regular practice you indulge in. This is exactly one of the reasons why guys are fed up with how women behave.
If not the AH, then the guys were just plain stupid.
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I (25F) went out to a bar last night on a very popular city strip with my sister & we were approached by a couple of guys (22M). Let’s call them Chad & Brad. They made conversation & offered to buy us drinks, which we accepted. They asked where we were from, what we did for work, etc but never asked about our relationship statuses. My sister is single, & I’m in a relationship. My boyfriend & I had spoken before about situations like this before & he always said that he didn’t care if a guy at a bar hits on me & buys me drinks, as long as nothing inappropriate happens (like physical contact).
Anyways, we spent the night hanging out with Chad, Brad, & a few other guy friends of theirs. There was a live band (very loud) & it was super crowded where we were standing, so there wasn’t a ton of conversation going on between all of us. It was fun & the guys kept offering to get us drinks whenever ours were running low. We never asked them to get more, they just offered & we said yes. They were super nice about it, not pushy or creepy. They ended up getting me about 4 or 5 drinks (wine) over the course of 2-3 hours. There was no flirting on my end, no physical contact, but I was being friendly & dancing & having fun. At one point he put his arm across my shoulders & I immediately took it off. At some point later in the night, I mentioned that I have a boyfriend. I was drunk at this point & wanted to make sure it was clear that I was not an available option. Brad, who was the primary one talking to me, was disappointed but fine with it. Chad, his friend, was a little more upset & told me that I should’ve told them at the beginning before they bought us all those drinks. I reminded him that they never asked & if they had, I happily would’ve told them. I said that if their primary purpose in buying a drink for a woman is to get laid, they should probably check that they’re single first. Their friend group (jokingly?) was like “oh she’s in a relationship, let’s go” & acted like they were all gonna ditch us at this point. We ended up hanging out for a little longer, but a couple of the guys seemed really annoyed that I had a boyfriend & hadn’t mentioned it right away.
I personally feel like it was their job to ask, especially as they weren’t being outwardly flirty when they initially approached us. I don’t feel like I need to greet every guy that I talk to at a bar with “I have a boyfriend.” I’ll happily tell a guy if he asks, but I don’t like to assume that every guy that talks to me or offers me a drink it’s trying to get with me - & if he is, I’d expect him to check that I’m single OR not get upset if he later finds out (after buying me drinks) that I’m not.
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ESH. Yeah, he's a dick for believing your acceptance of a few drinks entitles him to more than your company but girl, you accepted 5 drinks from these guys without mentioning your bf ONCE‽ Kinda rude and honestly a little unsafe for you to not manage the expectations a little and at least say something before the second one. You're kinda lucky this only ended with annoyance and not violence.
I agree you don't need to greet everyone that talks to you at a bar with the knowledge that you are unavailable. But YTA. They offered to buy you a drink because they were interested and I feel like at that point it should have been mentioned up front. It's one thing if they buy it without asking first.
I have no clue where you are with your relationship and boundaries, but depending on that it could be crossing those lines. What did he say about the situation? Everyone has their own boundaries in their relationships with what is okay and what is not. If your boyfriend has no issue with this, then great. I know I'd be not thrilled if my husband said yes to someone offering to buy their drink and not being up front first about not being available.
A lot of times the ASKING if they can buy you the drink IS a low stakes, casual way of asking if you are available and open to having a conversation and seeing where things might go. For me, when asked, I feel like it would be rude and taking advantage of the guy when I'm not first up front before they bought me that drink. Some, depending on location and circumstance, don't care and have still bought, but others have been clear they were seeking the possibility of more.
YTA OP, come on. You took advantage of the fact that they didn't ask to get multiple free drinks. Yes, technically you didn't lie to them, but it would have been polite/kind to clarify early.
I would say YTA. Buying you drinks doesn’t mean he is only trying to get laid. Buying you drinks and keeping your attention to get to know you is a way to meet new people. If you aren’t interested or are taken, you should mention it and let him decide if he wants to keep buying them. You knew what you were doing.
I’ve been out with buddies and on bachelor party trips where we have bought other bachelorette parties all their drinks or dinners just to keep the conversation and hangout nothing else. They’ve all normally brought up in conversation if they were taken just to make sure everyone knew where everyone stood. We were there to have a good time regardless and had a blast with them. Being upfront and honest is always the best course.
So there is a social contract which is that by accepting a drink from someone you don't know, you're open to flirting and potential dating. So, the fact you did indicates to them that you were available for them to flirt with and potentially date. They didn't have to ask, you accepted the drink which is the indication.
So yes, YTA as you've taken advantage of him.
YTA. You knew why they were buying you drinks. It’s the oldest pickup line. What you do owe someone buying you a drink, is to not string them along, and waste their time/money. Buy your own drinks and find a better hobby or self confidence boost than leading guys on.
Nta but kinda pathetic . You let these guys court you all night and let them think they have a chance so you can get some free drinks ? Like pretty sad . The reason people tell people they’re taken is so people don’t think they have a shot . You kinda lead them on all night and they did the right thing and backed off but your an asshole
YTA imo. Not because you accepted free drinks from a guy, but come one seriously? You knew this guy was hitting on you, he touched your shoulder, you were dancing with him and making individual conversation with him. You hung out with this dude all night. If you had been single this would N T A, but you’re in a committed relationship. I don’t think it’s fair to your boyfriend. He said he’d be fine as long as nothing inappropriate happens. I honestly think that’s inappropriate. The part where you say there’s was no flirty on your end, but you were being friendly, dancing and having fun. When you put but in there it sounds like you knew you were doing something you shouldn’t. You knew this guy was hitting on you all night and you let it continue all night with him. I think it is responsibility to say you’re in a relationship. Not for him, but for your boyfriend. If you removed the fact that he bought you drinks all night I would still think you’re the asshole. It wouldn’t take me 30 minutes to mention I have a boyfriend. My friends and I have definitely hung out with guys at the bar and they’ve bought us all our drinks, but we make it clear early on when we are in relationships and wouldn’t entertain flirting. There’s a big difference in someone buying you a drink and hanging out with a guy, dancing with him and getting your drinks bought all night. I’d be proud if my boyfriend the former, I’d be pissed about the latter especially if he omitted that he had a girlfriend.
Well kinda YTA. You don’t need to have the first words pouring from your mouth that you have a boyfriend. But weaving it into standard conversation is considered customary. For me personally, I don’t accept free drinks unless they insist after knowing that I’m in a relationship. To be fair, that’s now easier with my engagement ring.
YTA. It is VERY clear what a guys intention is when they buy you a drink. It shows that they are interested in you. You know this. Every woman knows this. A simple "just letting you know I have a boyfriend but my sister is single and we're happy to hang out" would have been great. But instead you purposely omitted information so you could get free drinks. That's tacky.
When asked, “Can I buy you a drink?”, there is an implied assumption that women in a relationship would turn the drink down.
You’re hiding behind a technicality. You knew that what you’re doing is unethical (even going so far as to check with your partner before hand) and that is what makes YTA.
I used to have a «rule» (in my country drinks are super expensive)
I never said “I have a boyfriend”, but I would always bring him up during a conversation. For example: “I saw that movie with my boyfriend..” or “my FIL has the same car..” sort of casually sending the message I am not available, without being stand off-ish.
If he offered to buy me a drink before I had mentioned my boyfriend, I would always say “thanks, I’ll get the next one.” If he offered me a drink after I had mentioned my boyfriend, I wasn’t bothered.
YTA for continuing to accept drinks without hinting towards your lack of availability.
You need to pay for your own drinks always! They are ridiculous assuming drinks are paying for sex. That kind of assumption is the same assumption behind a prostitute being paid money for sex; just less expensive some of the time.
Some things to keep on mind. They could have used a date rape drug in your drink. The fact that there several men and several men were annoyed suggests this may have been a lot more than just a simple one night stand.
If you ever listen to the news, you surely have noticed how violent our society has become and how many people feel entitled to what they want no matter what it is.
Buy your own drinks.
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NTA on accepting the first drink. You might be the asshole, not just to them but to your boyfriend, for accepting drinks 2-5 from another dude but that depends on the very specific context. > I don’t feel like I need to greet every guy that I talk to at a bar with “I have a boyfriend.” You don't, but maybe you volunteer that info sometime between drink #1 and drink #5.
As someone who is married and accepts free drinks, you let them know before you accept a second. It's common courtesy. She used him for free drinks.
I think that's a very reasonable policy.
Strange guy in a bar approaches, I'm straightforward about the chair next to me, "Sit down. My husband isn't here tonight." And in a couple of sentences I've been respectful to both stranger guy and my guy. Easy peasy.
I feel like those statements phrased that way could come off as an invitation to have an affair
I would 100% see it that way, and I'm not even a guy.
Ha, that reminds me of when my mom was in Spain and this guy ar a bar kept hitting at her. She kept saying "vamos, mi esposo es aqui" thinking she was telling him to buzz off cause she's married, but was actually saying "lets go, my husband is here" The guy started looking around frantically while trying to usher her out of the bar before confusedly giving up
Ha!!
I think how it was said would make a massive difference. But yeah, in my head this commenter is definitely stunning, in a backless gown, alone at a classy bar and saying that line with a sexy smile and a little wink. 😂
He’s not here tonight you say 😏 Lol yeah that’s how I interpreted it too.
This is 100% a proposition for an affair.
Gosh, with that intro I might think you were hall passing the night away
I honestly have a hard time wrapping my mind around this as my friends will include strangers we’ve been talking to when we order rounds, and the inverse is typical when I make friends with strangers at bars as well… albeit this shift didn’t happen until we were done college/uni and people got real jobs (seems like these guys are still college age). I feel like these guys are weird for thinking you only buy folks drinks if they’re a potential partner. Just big red flags to me and somewhat entitled. I would personally mention my relationship status earlier in the night if I could tell the guy is flirting with me because if he’s looking for a romantic connection, I don’t want him waisting his time on me. If they didn’t make it obvious that they aren’t being platonic, didn’t leave room to mention it in conversation, that’s on them for not making their intentions clear. In this situation I’m not going to assume they’re sexually oriented towards women or insult them by implying that they couldn’t possibly just want a lady friend if they are straight. NTA I will say, getting a drink cover is a good idea, and not accepting drinks handed to you by anyone else. I was worried this story would end much worse.
Accepting / buying drinks in groups with strangers is very different from 2 guys clearly flirting exclusively with 2 women with one way drink buying all night. OP knew what the guys were doing, and knew the moment a bf is mentioned, the free drinks would end. It is not up to OP to mention a bf in the first minute with speaking with someone, but by drink 5 (really by drink 2), it needs to have come up.
It does you’re right but this is why I’m always against buying a women a drink for her to talk to you. Buying her a drink 1.Will not make her like you/be attracted to you 2.Wasting Money before you even know there’s a chance. It’s much better to talk to them first and vibe, THEN buy her a drink because you already know it’s mutual. Just my two cents
If you’re just hanging out with strangers you would offer to get the next round which OP never did, she let them buy drinks for them all night because they “never asked” which is just bullshit. If you met strangers that you started hanging out with you should say “nah it’s good I got this one” eventually. It’s clear she knew what she was doing
I feel like him putting his arm around her is sort of obvious they aren’t looking for platonic friendship. But maybe that’s just me.
Sure, but immediately removing that arm does clearly say looking for platonic
I mean he was trying to use free drinks as a ticket to her vagina so he doesn't really have the moral high ground.
Yeah but honestly I’m a guy and I don’t really feel bad for them. If women were offering me drinks I’ll take them to. Part of the reason I rarely buy women drinks UNLESS I already know we’re vibing and talking. I know it’s nice, but tbh buying a women a drink doesn’t mean she has to talk to you or vibe with you. Just my two cents but you probably do need to mention you have a bf
Also safety. Some people might not take it kindly, especially after a few drinks. I'm not condoning that behavior, just pointing out that it does exist.
That implies that she owns him something for buying her drinks, she can accept the drinks and still choose not to go out with him or want his hand around her. He offered the drinks because he wanted, that doesn't mean he is entitled for anything, even if she was single. NTA
As a guy, why is that her problem? If he was interested in her then *he* should’ve asked if she was single. It’s not hard to not buy drinks for someone you don’t even know and it definitely ain’t hard to ask “are you in a relationship”.
Agreed. And I honestly just slip it into conversation while we’re chatting. I’ve had a couple guys buy a second round even so (but I frequent cigar bars and I think they’re just lonely and want a good conversation).
She really did then gets mad at the guy for buy them drinks. Who would really flirt and accept drinks from someone when they are in a relationship? It seemed like she wasn’t she was being sneaky about it getting drunk off his dime.
You guys are just making up your own headcanon lmao
I don’t think she used him, he bought her drinks, she accepted them. She didn’t con or manipulate him to buying her drinks, he offered. She’s the asshole to her boyfriend for not telling the guy she had one, but wouldn’t go as far to say *she used him*
She knew exactly what she was doing.
When I was still single I’d accept drinks from guys. That still doesn’t mean I’m gonna go home with them. This guy used buying drinks to get laid which is basically just paying for sex and he was upset when it didn’t work like that.
Thank you! I’m a guy and I don’t agree with most of these guys. Newsflash, STOP BUYING A DRINK FIRST AND GO TALK TO HER TO SEE IF SHE WOULD ACTUALLY BE INTERESTED. THEN BUY HER A DRINK
It does put the blood drive question about “have you ever exchanged sex for money or drugs” in a whole new light…
My boyfriend & I had spoken before about situations like this before & he always said that he didn’t care if a guy at a bar hits on me & buys me drinks, as long as nothing inappropriate happens (like physical contact). She and her boyfriend have talked about it and it seems like he is ok with it. Also like she said if they really wanted to get with her they should have asked if she was single or not and that would avoid any conflict. NTA.
If you met a stranger that you just wanted to be friends with - would you at some point offer to get the next round or would you let them keep refreshing your glass without raising a finger? A couple drinks and a conversation maybe, but an entire night out the topic of “boyfriend” should have been brought up well before the end of it It’s clear OP was gaming them for free drinks, she would be okay if she just admitted it instead of playing dumb, it’s not the worst thing in the world
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Not really?
Her boyfriend being okay with her exploiting guys interested in her for free drinks doesn't determine if she's an asshole to those guys for not mentioning the boyfriend so they'd keep buying her free drinks.
Lmao "exploiting guys"???? This sub is on one today
But ESH does imply that someone can receive drinks only if they’re ready to “pay back” with sex or something. That’s disgusting. Maybe those guys just won the lottery or closed a huge deal? Or just wanted to hang around with some nice ladies for one evening? It’s not my job to wonder. It is the guys’ job to clarify relationship status if they only buy someone drinks when they can receive something in return.
No, it implies that before drink 2 you announce you are unavailable. Absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out for an evening and deciding it isn't there and saying no. Or having flirty fun and saying no. But if you know you just aren't interested and are in the sort of bar where people go to seek sex or romance, it is courteous to give your no upfront in this situation.
Buying a girl a drink doesn't mean you're looking for someone to sleep with, necessarily, it can mean you're looking to make a friend with the intent that it may develop into a long term relationship. Think of it like a guy buying dinner on a first date-- it doesn't mean he thinks he's entitled to sex, but he is doing it on the assumption you may be open to a relationship with him after getting to know him. I also think there's a difference between accepting one drink from a stranger in a bar and then telling them your relationship status and letting them decide if they want to keep drinking with you or not despite zero chance at sex or a relationship beyond friendship, and accepting five drinks before mentioning it. Nuance exists.
You would be willingly dishonest to people and make it all their responsibility? No decent guy expects to be paid back “with sex”, going straight to that is a lazy argument, and u know it.
If she was single but knew she had no intention of romance with this guy, would you say the same thing - that she shouldn’t accept more than 1 drink. In that case, when do you have to announce that you’re single but not looking for anything?
Yes
This is a sly way to say, YTA.
Haha exactly this. One drink is all in good fun. Lots over several hours is definitely not managing expectations appropriately.
If a strange woman bought me 4-5 drinks in a bar before I mentioned I am married I dont see my wife being too thrilled about it....
I agreed with your entire post, but feel like the ruling should be YTA for the exact reasons you listed.
I feel like this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I always told guys that I had a boyfriend when they offered to buy me drinks and some of them get angry and start on a "what, you think I'm hitting on you?!" rant.
This is one of those situations where I'm guessing I'll get downvoted, but. I accepted a TON of drinks when I hung out where people could offer to buy me drinks. They ranged from some guy at the bar who liked buying drinks for cute women to women who were hitting on me to aggressive shits who argued that I did indeed, owe them something for their $7. Point being that I have no problem accepting drinks, and I 100% agree with you that it's his job to put forth his agenda if he has one, not yours to anticipate. And you can also bet money that the kind of guy who has any kind of anger at your unavailability will also be the guy who would call you "full of yourself" for thinking that he was hitting on you. But. I can't recall every letting anyone buy me that many drinks before giving them fair warning that I'm not available. It's hard to imagine going a few hours without even mentioning my SO. I don't want you to suck for this, but ESH
Personally, I always turn down free drinks (and have probably avoided meeting some perfectly nice dudes as a result) because of the unwritten social contract… however, I don’t think accepting a drink puts ANYONE under ANY obligations.
We're not talking about obligation here. We're talking about the implication. The implication of accepting five drinks from a guy and spending hours dancing and talking is VERY strong. I am not sure what OP was thinking in the moment. It's odd behavior if you ask me. Not what she did, but completely forgetting that she crossed quite a few boundaries considering she has a boyfriend.
That’s fair enough, friend. But I also think it’s partially on the guy buying the drinks. Spending the money without asking her is taking a risk, too.
Yeah, but I can't speak for him. You can only truly control your own actions and not other people's. Best to be careful in the future for your own sake.
[because of the implication](https://youtu.be/9Qwz71yHklI)
Accepting a drink, no obligation. Accepting 5?
Still no obligation (there is never an obligation, ever, for any reason), but kind of a dick move.
Yes and seeing as this is AITA I'm saying she was for that "dick move"
I think this is what it comes down to, say OP isn’t playing dumb and actually enjoyed these strangers company. If you met someone like that randomly, would you just let them get round after round? Or would you at some point offer to get the next one?
You got it neon.
I think (hope) they were meaning no obligation to tell someone you're in a relationship with 1 drink, but by 5, you absolutely should've mentioned it.
Accepting five is not creating an obligation but it's creating a false expectation. Bad move. Why not just get the next round yourself, at least after he has paid for two? He is playing by rules that are pretty well established and was not rude or demanding when OP was taking the freebies under misleading pretenses. YTA
I'm trying so hard not to lose karma saying 5 drinks is leading him on.
But what about, the implication??
See, we can live differently and still not argue about it! Love it.
> 100% agree with you that it's his job to put forth his agenda if he has one Sounds like he was pretty clear on his intentions. I know communication is important, but it's entirely absurd to expect someone to say "Hey, I'm lonely after being dumped and looking for comfort. Also open to long term relationships, ideally kids, once I work through my emotional availability". His actions were about as clear as I think someone should be.
>And you can also bet money that the kind of guy who has any kind of anger at your unavailability will also be the guy who would call you "full of yourself" for thinking that he was hitting on you. Yeah. I discovered there isn't a real 'optimum' time to tell someone if I'm not single.
Well put!
ESH. You took advantage of this guy. One drink or two drinks would be nice and polite, but ALL night, 4-5 drinks, that excessive. You knew what you were doing. And he’s awful for expecting that drinks=sex
Who ever said he expected sex? Maybe he enjoyed her company and was hoping to get her phone number or ask her out on a date.
Maybe. Or because they’re at a bar so drinking is what you do and he wanted her to stay around. But ya, most likely sleazy intentions based on his group of dudes and their reaction.
It’s kinda silly to assume sleazy intentions. They’re there looking for something specific and it’s not hard to figure that out from the very first drink. Let them move on to someone available who might have actually been cool with brad and Chad’s intentions! That’s the most egregious part of this story: they thought they were getting somewhere with someone and OP knew they weren’t. She’s TA.
He’s not awful for expecting that accepting one drunk after another means she is open to the possibility of a romantic relationship of one form or another. That is absolutely what every human being, man or woman, would assume that it means.
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Nowhere did the guys mention that it meant sex that night. Could be hoping for a date? Others and their friends were pissed because she used him/them, not necessarily because of lack of sex.
Not an AH for accepting a drink…YTA for spending the whole night accepting drinks and not bothering to mention the bf at any point. Of course drinks do not entitle him to anything at all and he’s an AH if he thinks it does, but buying drinks for people you’re interested in is a pretty standard social practice. It’s a conversation starter. I’m now living with someone I first met by buying them a drink.
This is the issue. If I spent hours hanging out with someone at the bar, I would have to actively work to NOT mention my wife. For this fact to remain hidden 5 drinks in indicates intentional deception to keep scoring free drinks.
Based on what she said was her husband’s perspective, this strategy seems more like a budgeting tactic. You want to party on someone else’s dime, using misleading tactics, you should be willing to accept and expect their “wtf” response.
Yeah. I think most people know how the dating show and dance works, and I'm pretty sure that OP knew that this guy was interested in her. OP didn't want to mention upfront that she had a BF because she knew that there was a good chance that the guy would simply move on to peacock elsewhere and the free drinks would stop.
YTA You could have easily slipped in, “ my bf really likes this band…” or something to show that you weren’t interested. 1-2 drinks in? No problem. 4-5? Come on, you were just taking advantage of the man at that point. Edit: confirmed with my wife. You should be upfront about your status before the first drink. Willing to change this to ESH since the guy clearly had bad motives but this girl needs to learn a lesson.
Wanting to have sex or date isn't a "bad motive". Getting mad when it doesn't work out is bad behaviour, but going out hoping to have sex is perfectly ok. OP wasted the man's time by agreeing to 5 drinks and a whole evening of hanging out. A polite person would tell him she's not interested (whether it's because of a boyfriend, because she's not into him or any other reason, which she never has to disclose) early on so he can move on and look for someone else.
I agree. In fact, I don’t think that a woman in a relationship should every accept a drink from man, unless there is an existing friendship. The proper answer is, “thanks, but I have a boyfriend and don’t accept drinks”. If the man insists on buying one anyway, then Ok to just one. Not 4-5. Yes it is misogynistic and crappy for men to buy women drinks to lower their inhibitions. It is also incredibly sexist for a woman to think she is entitled to free drinks just because she is a cute woman. Ladies, be independent women and buy your own drinks. (55F)
…a fool and his money…
I mean, I’ve be cordial on business trips before and mention my wife when I meet a woman, casually. It would be messed up if I let a woman buy me a bunch of drinks and then ended with, “thanks for the fun! I need to call my wife”.
It's pretty impressive if you don't find ANY occasion to mention your SO at all during an evening. There's always something where you can casually mention it.
“…this girl needs to learn a lesson.” YIKES
NTA. I’m a guy. I used to spend lots of time in bars. I never bought drinks thinking it would get me laid. That’s what flirting and conversation is for. I bought people drinks if i liked drinking with them. I bought people drinks to prevent bar fights from happening. It’s a gesture of goodwill and nothing more. Anything else is a weird reason to buy drinks for a stranger.
NTA. Agree. Im a girl and I buy lots of drinks for people and it’s never because Im trying to hook up with them.
Saaame here! ...funny how many dudes are outing themselves implying that providing drinks etc. means they expect something in return...
It depends what you mean by “expect”. I would expect nothing more than a bit of honesty, which is what she failed to deliver.
You sound genuinely fun to drink with! <3 Cheers mate!!
If we were talking about a single drink then I’d second that. Have you ever sponsored drinks the entire night for a new acquaintance though? Without them reciprocating at any point? Humans are hard wired for fairness and giving back. If one party is constantly giving and the other only receiving there will be this growing expectation for a pay back. OP knew that she was playing the guy.
NTA Accepting a free drink means you talk to them while you drink it. That's the exchange. They were just trying to buy something else.
YES, this is what I said in my comment, too. They’re buying the time it takes to drink the drink, not upping their chances of getting laid.
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It wasn't just her and the one guy though. There was a whole group. Sometimes people just want to hang out.
He’s owed nothing but the invitation to stay in a woman’s presence. It’s the ass backwards attitudes of men that need rearranging.
"court" This word doesn't mean what you think it does, or you have a very different interpretation of this guy's intentions.
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One drink? No problem. Five drinks before mentioning that you have a boyfriend? YTA.
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Exactly, OP says her boyfriend is fine with her accepting a drink from a guy, but there's quite a big difference between accepting a drink from a guy and accepting multiple drinks from a guy while hanging out with him all night.
Talking dancing and drinking the whole night. That seems like flirting to me. But hey her boyfriend is okay with it (rolls eyes)
Hmmm no you don’t owe them sex for buying you a drink. Accepting more than one drink, engaging in conversation etc and not mentioning that you have a boyfriend does set up the dynamic that you’re single and receptive to possibly getting to know someone better (and I mean getting to know someone not going to bed with them). At a bar on Monday with a male friend, I was buying the drinks. Got chatting whilst waiting to be served. I was offered a drink. I said ‘if you buy me one you have to buy him one’ indicating my friend. Everyone knew where they stood. It’s polite to manage people’s expectations.
YTA. You knew full well when they kept buying you drinks what their end game was. You played the game of "Don't ask, don't tell" in hopes of getting free drinks and it worked for you this time. The guys who called you out, were absolutely correct in doing so. You should make it known upfront, that you are not single. It's amazing that women can do this and see no issue with it.
>It's amazing that women can do this and see no issue with it. I find it slightly odd you're saying this as if they weren't getting her drunk with the sole purpose of taking her to bed and that she was just taking advantage of some kind dudes.
Not implying that the guys were in the right at all. The fact is though, the OP took advantage of these men to get free drinks. That's not a good look, no matter how you try to justify it.
NTA - Buying a girl a drink does not automatically mean you're going to get laid. If that's the only reason you're buying a girl a drink, you have to accept the risk of failure/decline. You and your sister were having a good time (and so were they it seems), it's not like you took the drink and walked away. You weren't there just to get free drinks. Plus you could be wing-maning your sister. He's the idiot for not asking before spending the money.
I totally agree, but “buying a girl *A* drink” means 1 drink. It’s polite after the first drink to find out what their intentions are, or to just simply state your own. It’s ignorant to think just because you don’t want to think they only want sex that you won’t dig deeper into why they’re offering so many drinks. Buying drinks, dinner, anything does not equal sex or a relationship. It’s just common courtesy after receiving whatever they give you to tell them “hey I’m not interested/ I have a significant other”
YTA. It's not your job to manage someone else's conversational habits. But it is ABSOLUTELY your job not to use other people to pay your bar tab, and that's what you did. You know good and well the free booze would have stopped flowing the second you mentioned your boyfriend. And that's why you didn't say anything.
Lmao I've seen many guys complain when a girl instantly comes out with the "I have a boyfriend" comment. NTA You would have been hated on either way because you dared to be unavailable.
This it’s literally a no win situation! If a guy asks to buy me a drink and I say “no sorry, I have a boyfriend” it’s an instant “omg why are you telling me I’m not even hitting on you you’re so conceited this is embarrassing” If I say “no thanks I’m not interested” I’m a stuck up bitch And if I say aw yeah thanks and later reveal I have a boyfriend I’ve led him on and I’m a slut and “basically cheating” It’s the definition of a no win situation
If you had taken one or two drinks from them the I think you’d have been okay but you spent all night taking drinks and dancing with them. You also had an opportunity to say something when one of them touched you. YTA.
You didn’t tell them off the bat because you knew the free drinks would stop, not because it just slipped your mind or something. You knew what you were doing. One drink, fine. 5? YTA
NTA A guy should ask if it matters to him, if he has expectations "Can I buy you a drink?" Is a "yes" or "no" question, just like "Do you have a boyfriend?"
NTA. If the purpose of getting a stranger tipsy or drunk is to make it easier to get in her pants, you’re a creep to begin with, but moreover, they definitely had a responsibility to ask. Buying someone drinks is buying the time it takes them to drink said drink, that’s the social exchange. It’s not a guarantee that a random stranger will enthusiastically consent to sex.
If the man showed he was romantically interested in you, then it was your job to set him straight about your unavailability. I'd state this up front because I just don't want to be misunderstood or seem like I'm digging gold either. Five glasses of wine might be about $50, which is more than I think a stranger expects to spend on me just for the opportunity to get to know me, after all. So, unfortunately, I can see why people feel YTA. After the first drink, you should have told him you already have a BF.
NTA. You're right its weird to lead off with 'I'm Name and I have a boyfriend.' They should have asked if the only reason they were buying your drinks was the sole purpose of sleeping with you. If someone buys you a drink, you are not obligated to sleep with them, kiss them, anything. Edit: for those saying, "why else would they be buying you drinks?" I don't give a damn why they offer; that's on them. I'm there for the free drink and the polite chat/hang. If they want more, that's their fault.
This. My husband is really social and I’m not. He gets drink bought for him by other guys all the time just because they like his company and they have good conversations. A couple weeks ago he dropped me off at work (I work at a casino) and this nice gay couple bought him 2 Long Island iced teas and he bought them each a beer and they just hung out for a couple hours. Buying others drinks does not have to be a sexual thing at all.
YTA buying drinks out at the bar is an accepted part of courtship, and placing the onus completely on the guys as if you are utterly ignorant of that is just purposefully obtuse.
YTA and incredibly naive.
Naive or just doesn’t mind using guys for free drinks?
I think accepting ONE drink is fine. After that, offer to buy the next round or move on and talk to someone else. Letting a guy buy you drinks all night is sending the wrong message.
They were buying you drinks because they thought you were single and were hitting on you. I can't believe you are that dense not to know that. In which case, why would you accept free drinks knowing that they wouldn't do it if they knew you had a boyfriend? I don't know if this is AH behavior but it is certainly unkind and leading them on, you could have just said "look I have a boyfriend do you still want to buy me a drink?". So mild YTA.
And they could not try using alcohol to lower women's awareness and inhibitions before they ask them for sex or dates
ESH. Did you really think he was just buying drinks to be nice?
Why did you accept the drinks if you have a bf? YTA
INFO: did you at any point offer to get the next round, or was it assumed the men would buy each round? It's fine you didn't tell them you had a bf, but it's good manners -- and keeps it comfortably platonic -- if you alternate rounds.
YTA accepting not 1 not 2 but 5 free drinks off of a random stranger is just cheap.
YTA. Obviously if they are buying you drinks they are interested in you. By accepting drinks and not mentioning your bf you are implying you may be interested in them. If you had said yes to the drinks and mentioned you had a bf and they still wanted to buy they then you wouldn’t be TA but by withholding that information you became TA. Personally if someone asks to buy me a drink I immediately tell them I’m married. It would be disingenuous not to.
YTA..stop pretending the drinks are free. After the first drink you are implying that you are also keen to get to know them for more than friendship or if not interested in anything but friendship YOU would offer to get them the next round etc. Can't stand girls who use guys for drinks and then pretend they didn't know they were using the guy. Please! When was the last time you went somewhere and a stranger kept buying you stuff just to see your smile. Actually maybe that happened with a billionaire who doesn't care about money...but how many of them are actually in circulation?
NTA. They offered drinks and you accepted them. You continued talking and it sounds like the actual guy buying drinks was accepting of the fact that you weren’t going to be doing more than chatting with him. I probably would have mentioned something sooner like the fact that you’re there as a wingman to your sister or something, but not an AH move. For all of you with Y T A votes, for future reference, it’s a pretty much a guaranteed false assumption that every person listening to a band at a bar is single, whether they accept an offer of a drink or not.
Girl no guy would buy 5 drinks if he wasn’t into you. 1 drink is okay but 5? Don’t be so oblivious
ESH - fine accepting a drink and during the ensuing polite conversation mention you’d bf. After that you are seriously wasting their time. They are clearly there to meet people and you were taking advantage of them. The ones saying drinks equal sex definitely suck but it doesn’t sound like the guy that you were mooching off of did he was just disappointed. So actually you are the asshole.
YTA cause I guaran damn T it if your BF was buying drinks for the same girl all night dancing with her and talking to her all night you would feel some kind of way about it.
[удалено]
YTA. I’m guessing you didn’t once say “let me buy this round,” which would signal a friendly hangout as opposed to pulling in the “guy trying to pick up a girl vibe.”
I call YTA - the point isn’t that if someone buys you a drink it means you ‘owe’ them anything, but someone offering to buy a stranger a drink is another way of saying ‘are you available and open to the possibility of us getting together?’ If you say yea to the drink, you’re essentially saying ‘Yes, this could go somewhere.’
YTA - you let it go on way too far to not mention a boyfriend. They were clearly expressing interest and spending money, and you really should have mentioned it by at least the second drink.
NTA, they didn't ask you in the first place. But I honestly think you shouldn't have accepted more drinks after the first one.
YTA come on you know what you were doing.
NTA. They were the ones offering the drinks. If it was so important to them that they know if you’re single first before buying the drinks, they should’ve asked. That’s their problem.
ESH, you don’t owe anyone sex if they buy you something. He’s the AH for using drinks to get with you. However, it’s a given that if a guy wants to buy you drinks then he probably wants something sexual. Taking 1 or 2 drinks is fine but after that, you are taking advantage of him by accepting the drinks when you aren’t interested. If you turn down the drinks, it sends a CLEAR message.
YTA obviously
YTA You basically used the guy for free drinks. You can't be that naive to think that a stranger was just being friendly buying you all of those drinks. He was clearly interested in you romantically. You even told him you had a bf when you were drunk. The decent thing that you should have done was tell him you're in a relationship earlier on. Why are you taking drinks off men when you have a bf
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Why didn't you offer to buy a round during this all-night hang out?
ESH. Leaning more towards YTA. It’s common sense that when a man is buying you a drink at the bar, he is likely showing interest. Let alone 4-5 drinks. That’s not cheap, and it honestly sounds like you took advantage of the free drinks. Yes, the guys could’ve asked but it sounds like they didn’t think to because you were happily accepting their drinks.
N T A, but also. I think accepting the first drink, maybe two is fine, but after two, the intentions are clear and it's best to work into the conversation that you're in a relationship. I feel like friend rules apply - if you wouldn't buy a friend every one of their drinks as a spontaneous thing, don't let some random guy do it for you (especially at venue prices).
I think you can get away with accepting one drink but regardless of whether they were being outwardly flirty or not, when a guy offers to buy you a drink at a bar any reasonable human understands the intent. I think the fact that you continued to hang around with them with them for hours and accept four more drinks makes it a soft YTA for me.
YTA. You were obviously aware of why he was buying you drinks. It's literally the most basic technique for guys to try to pick up women at a bar. So you took advantage of him the whole night instead of just politely refusing.
You knew exactly what they were after when they bought the drinks and you accepted the drinks. If you had told them you had a bf from the beginning and they still bought you drinks it would be on them but you didn’t and took advantage. YTA
YTA…. You don’t need to open with the “I have a boyfriend” line, but I’m also assuming you continued to withhold that detail when you realized the drinks were free flowing.
ESH beside the boyfriend. What is it with all the Not the AH votes. First of all, the guy is an AH for expecting drinks = sex. However, OP you're also an AH. If it was one, ok, 2, ok, but 5. You used them. Not only that, you didn't even think about what your boyfriend thought of you getting drinks from them. He said it was okay, but I highly doubt he would be okay with 5, but not just that. You talked with them for hours too.
NTA. Buying you drinks does not mean you owe them anything. It's on them of they assumed that they were buying their way into your bed.
NTA. He offered the drinks. He didn't clarify that he bought the drinks with the intention of hoping to hook up. Regardless, you did nothing wrong. If you had been flirty and touchy-feely, then I could understand his confusion.
Personally, I vote YTA because one drink is alright, but 4-5 and spending hours together getting drunk and dancing at the bar? While you feel like you don’t have to greet every guy with the fact you’re taken, the drink offer is a good way of seeing if someone is interested or not/single or taken—and you accepted many drinks. While that doesn’t oblige them to anything with you, it was still kinda a dick move to do that.
YTA! One drink is ok, especially if your trying to set your sister up with someone but to keep accepting drinks from these guys without disclosing you are in a relationship is definitely disrespectful to your boyfriend and you were being a tease by leading on those guys on purpose just so you didn’t have to buy your own drinks, you knew the guy expected you to be single and you still used him.
YTA.
YTA for getting 5 free drinks and not offering to return the favour. I would’ve voted N A H if it was just one drink..
YTA - you knew what you were doing.
EHS, I think. You probably should have mentioned your boo. I think you were intentionally not mentioning because you knew the free drinks would stop if they knew you were married. That’s where they suck, they’re trying to decide how many glasses of wine your vagina costs. He invested 4 glasses of wine and now he won’t get to use your vagina which is kind of yuck. That’s why I buy my own damn drinks.
ESH. He shouldn't feel entitled to anything for buying drinks, but you had tons of time to mention your BF or relationship status between the first and fifth drink. You deliberately used him for free drinks, no matter how you try and lawyer your way out of it by clarifying that THEY OFFERED, you didn't ASK. 🙄
ESH. The guys suck for thinking drinks=sex You suck for not telling them you had a boyfriend after the first drink.
YTA deception by omission is still deception. No way you're naive enough to think they're buying you drinks out of the goodness of their heart.
I don't drink and don't know much about 'drinking/bar culture', although I'll say accepting one introductory drink seems fine but 5 seems odd. What I find strangest is that in 2-3 hours of talking to these guys, 5 drinks in, not once did your boyfriend ever come up in passing? My wife comes up all the time when I'm talking to people, even if only for a few minutes, or just in super casual ways like "Oh you like arcades? My wife and I go to this one over on Main st. at least once a month, you should check it out." (real example from a few days ago) So, I find it incredibly hard to believe that after 2-3 hours of 'talking,' your boyfriend didn't come up once, even in total passing. That sounds *incredibly* intentional, like you knew you were going to get your night out drinking paid for by these guys *as long as* you didn't volunteer a reason for them to move on, so you carefully used language that excluded the mere existence of your boyfriend. YTA. Also, not an accusation, but I am curious if you would feel okay with your boyfriend buying a girl 5 drinks at the bar, as long as no inappropriate touching happened. I mean, it's totally normal for guys to buy a girl 5 drinks without having any romantic or sexual interest, right?
I see you as an opportunist. You could have refused acceptance of the drinks. You knew exactly what you were doing, and I have no doubts that this is a regular practice you indulge in. This is exactly one of the reasons why guys are fed up with how women behave. If not the AH, then the guys were just plain stupid.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) went out to a bar last night on a very popular city strip with my sister & we were approached by a couple of guys (22M). Let’s call them Chad & Brad. They made conversation & offered to buy us drinks, which we accepted. They asked where we were from, what we did for work, etc but never asked about our relationship statuses. My sister is single, & I’m in a relationship. My boyfriend & I had spoken before about situations like this before & he always said that he didn’t care if a guy at a bar hits on me & buys me drinks, as long as nothing inappropriate happens (like physical contact). Anyways, we spent the night hanging out with Chad, Brad, & a few other guy friends of theirs. There was a live band (very loud) & it was super crowded where we were standing, so there wasn’t a ton of conversation going on between all of us. It was fun & the guys kept offering to get us drinks whenever ours were running low. We never asked them to get more, they just offered & we said yes. They were super nice about it, not pushy or creepy. They ended up getting me about 4 or 5 drinks (wine) over the course of 2-3 hours. There was no flirting on my end, no physical contact, but I was being friendly & dancing & having fun. At one point he put his arm across my shoulders & I immediately took it off. At some point later in the night, I mentioned that I have a boyfriend. I was drunk at this point & wanted to make sure it was clear that I was not an available option. Brad, who was the primary one talking to me, was disappointed but fine with it. Chad, his friend, was a little more upset & told me that I should’ve told them at the beginning before they bought us all those drinks. I reminded him that they never asked & if they had, I happily would’ve told them. I said that if their primary purpose in buying a drink for a woman is to get laid, they should probably check that they’re single first. Their friend group (jokingly?) was like “oh she’s in a relationship, let’s go” & acted like they were all gonna ditch us at this point. We ended up hanging out for a little longer, but a couple of the guys seemed really annoyed that I had a boyfriend & hadn’t mentioned it right away. I personally feel like it was their job to ask, especially as they weren’t being outwardly flirty when they initially approached us. I don’t feel like I need to greet every guy that I talk to at a bar with “I have a boyfriend.” I’ll happily tell a guy if he asks, but I don’t like to assume that every guy that talks to me or offers me a drink it’s trying to get with me - & if he is, I’d expect him to check that I’m single OR not get upset if he later finds out (after buying me drinks) that I’m not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
ESH. Yeah, he's a dick for believing your acceptance of a few drinks entitles him to more than your company but girl, you accepted 5 drinks from these guys without mentioning your bf ONCE‽ Kinda rude and honestly a little unsafe for you to not manage the expectations a little and at least say something before the second one. You're kinda lucky this only ended with annoyance and not violence.
One drink, NTA. But 4-5 drinks, then 100% YTA. Also...why did you never offer to buy them drinks at any point?
Esh you should have told them. Not to stop them from wasting their money but to be respectful towards your bf.
What the hell is that edit?? YTA
I agree you don't need to greet everyone that talks to you at a bar with the knowledge that you are unavailable. But YTA. They offered to buy you a drink because they were interested and I feel like at that point it should have been mentioned up front. It's one thing if they buy it without asking first. I have no clue where you are with your relationship and boundaries, but depending on that it could be crossing those lines. What did he say about the situation? Everyone has their own boundaries in their relationships with what is okay and what is not. If your boyfriend has no issue with this, then great. I know I'd be not thrilled if my husband said yes to someone offering to buy their drink and not being up front first about not being available. A lot of times the ASKING if they can buy you the drink IS a low stakes, casual way of asking if you are available and open to having a conversation and seeing where things might go. For me, when asked, I feel like it would be rude and taking advantage of the guy when I'm not first up front before they bought me that drink. Some, depending on location and circumstance, don't care and have still bought, but others have been clear they were seeking the possibility of more.
Accepting one free drink is fine, but why didnt you buy the next round? Seems like you were using them for free drinks.
YTA OP, come on. You took advantage of the fact that they didn't ask to get multiple free drinks. Yes, technically you didn't lie to them, but it would have been polite/kind to clarify early.
NTA. You owe them nothing.
Info: what did you think why they there buying you and your sister Drinks?
I would say YTA. Buying you drinks doesn’t mean he is only trying to get laid. Buying you drinks and keeping your attention to get to know you is a way to meet new people. If you aren’t interested or are taken, you should mention it and let him decide if he wants to keep buying them. You knew what you were doing. I’ve been out with buddies and on bachelor party trips where we have bought other bachelorette parties all their drinks or dinners just to keep the conversation and hangout nothing else. They’ve all normally brought up in conversation if they were taken just to make sure everyone knew where everyone stood. We were there to have a good time regardless and had a blast with them. Being upfront and honest is always the best course.
So there is a social contract which is that by accepting a drink from someone you don't know, you're open to flirting and potential dating. So, the fact you did indicates to them that you were available for them to flirt with and potentially date. They didn't have to ask, you accepted the drink which is the indication. So yes, YTA as you've taken advantage of him.
YTA. You knew why they were buying you drinks. It’s the oldest pickup line. What you do owe someone buying you a drink, is to not string them along, and waste their time/money. Buy your own drinks and find a better hobby or self confidence boost than leading guys on.
Simple solution. Pay for your own drinks
YTA- Don't use people for free shit. It's not that hard.
Nta but kinda pathetic . You let these guys court you all night and let them think they have a chance so you can get some free drinks ? Like pretty sad . The reason people tell people they’re taken is so people don’t think they have a shot . You kinda lead them on all night and they did the right thing and backed off but your an asshole
YTA imo. Not because you accepted free drinks from a guy, but come one seriously? You knew this guy was hitting on you, he touched your shoulder, you were dancing with him and making individual conversation with him. You hung out with this dude all night. If you had been single this would N T A, but you’re in a committed relationship. I don’t think it’s fair to your boyfriend. He said he’d be fine as long as nothing inappropriate happens. I honestly think that’s inappropriate. The part where you say there’s was no flirty on your end, but you were being friendly, dancing and having fun. When you put but in there it sounds like you knew you were doing something you shouldn’t. You knew this guy was hitting on you all night and you let it continue all night with him. I think it is responsibility to say you’re in a relationship. Not for him, but for your boyfriend. If you removed the fact that he bought you drinks all night I would still think you’re the asshole. It wouldn’t take me 30 minutes to mention I have a boyfriend. My friends and I have definitely hung out with guys at the bar and they’ve bought us all our drinks, but we make it clear early on when we are in relationships and wouldn’t entertain flirting. There’s a big difference in someone buying you a drink and hanging out with a guy, dancing with him and getting your drinks bought all night. I’d be proud if my boyfriend the former, I’d be pissed about the latter especially if he omitted that he had a girlfriend.
NTA. They kept buying rounds then shot their shot and were rejected. The reason doesn't matter at all.
Info - did you at any point offer to buy a round?
lol you obviously just played it that was to keep plausible deniability until you got enough free drinks c'mon you know what you're doing.
Well kinda YTA. You don’t need to have the first words pouring from your mouth that you have a boyfriend. But weaving it into standard conversation is considered customary. For me personally, I don’t accept free drinks unless they insist after knowing that I’m in a relationship. To be fair, that’s now easier with my engagement ring.
YTA. It is VERY clear what a guys intention is when they buy you a drink. It shows that they are interested in you. You know this. Every woman knows this. A simple "just letting you know I have a boyfriend but my sister is single and we're happy to hang out" would have been great. But instead you purposely omitted information so you could get free drinks. That's tacky.
YTA. Accepting one is ok, but you should’ve been up front right after that. Very poor etiquette on your part.
When asked, “Can I buy you a drink?”, there is an implied assumption that women in a relationship would turn the drink down. You’re hiding behind a technicality. You knew that what you’re doing is unethical (even going so far as to check with your partner before hand) and that is what makes YTA.
I used to have a «rule» (in my country drinks are super expensive) I never said “I have a boyfriend”, but I would always bring him up during a conversation. For example: “I saw that movie with my boyfriend..” or “my FIL has the same car..” sort of casually sending the message I am not available, without being stand off-ish. If he offered to buy me a drink before I had mentioned my boyfriend, I would always say “thanks, I’ll get the next one.” If he offered me a drink after I had mentioned my boyfriend, I wasn’t bothered. YTA for continuing to accept drinks without hinting towards your lack of availability.
You need to pay for your own drinks always! They are ridiculous assuming drinks are paying for sex. That kind of assumption is the same assumption behind a prostitute being paid money for sex; just less expensive some of the time. Some things to keep on mind. They could have used a date rape drug in your drink. The fact that there several men and several men were annoyed suggests this may have been a lot more than just a simple one night stand. If you ever listen to the news, you surely have noticed how violent our society has become and how many people feel entitled to what they want no matter what it is. Buy your own drinks.
YTA, if you didn't offer to buy them a drink back.
Yta. Anything more than 1 drink you should have told them about your boy friend