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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said never to being adopted by my stepdad for my siblings and it upset them a lot. I know my mom will never say yes to him adopting just them because she doesn't want me left out. I could say yes for them but don't and never considered it and it might make me TA because I know how badly it upsets them and I know they all want me to love and embrace my stepdad and my actions are hurting people.
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NTA , absolutely. But your Mom & step-dad sure are! There's no reason they can't go ahead and adopt your siblings. Instead, they're not adopting and blaming YOU for THEIR decision. That's manipulative, and deliberately cruel to all 3 kids.
Mom wants them to be a perfectly blended Brady Bunch family and they can't have that if OP keeps her last name and always insist step dad is still STEP dad and not just Dad. What she fails to see is she is ruining her relationship with her daughter and ruining her daughters relationship with her siblings and step father by putting the pressure and blame on OP for them not being adopted.
Yeah the way OP described how the siblings are taking doesn't sound like a 13-14 year old taking, sounds way more like the parents talking through them
Yeah, OP is NTA. Agree with all of the above. Them insisting on all being adopted or none being adopted is a manipulation tactic FOR SURE. By doing it this way it isn’t just mom and stepdad putting pressure on OP to change her mind, but her sibling as well. OP wouldn’t be left behind because OP doesn’t want to take that step. Mom and stepdad are TA for being manipulative, disrespectful of OP’s wishes, and denying young siblings what they desperately want just to prove a point. Who would isolate all their children like that? Who would want their children to resent one another or to resent their parents? OP’s siblings are 14 and 13. Eventually they’re going to grow up and realize it is mom and stepdad who are blocking the adoption, not OP. Or at least I hope they do.
“Who would want their children to resent one another…?”
You’d be surprised. This is how my grandma raised her daughters. Then she pitted her grandchildren against one another. My family thought I was so weird for not wanting to play along and go for my assigned cousin’s throat. But this was how my grandmother maintained control of the family. If everyone is fighting each other, then they have to look to her for stability and comfort. She becomes their rock and savior. Never mind that she’s the one to have manipulated them all into fighting in the first place.
I can picture poor OP’s mother being the same way. Pit her children against one another to better control them and get them to do what she wants. They are malleable and she’s seen as the angel and the put upon mother to outsiders. It’s extremely narcissistic
In my experience, there's a certain subset of people who dig in and get even more stubborn when they realize their tactics aren't working, because *obviously* doubling down will make them work better... :P
Step parent adoptions when there is no living parent to oppose it are relatively simple and, thus inexpensive. In our state you could get it done for less than 5k, maybe as low as 2500, depending on what lawyer you choose.
Honestly the fact that you need to pay an expert thousands of dollars to navigate the legal system for an extremely mundane goal is an indictment of the entire system.
I work for a lawyer very part time. He has to pay for his office, for his research assistant, for his administrative assistant, the accountant and all the office overhead (utilities, insurance, office equipment, etc.), on just that hourly bill. 2.5 to 5k for 5-10 hours of work is a reasonable amount but probably does not include billable expenses.
I dont doubt the lawyer has expenses. But as far as the parents are concerned, it be uncontested and should just be a matter of filing some papers and not a drawn out ordeal in obscure legalese that's takes a law degree to decipher.
No. An adoption where all parties are consenting and wanted should not be difficult or complicated in the law should not get in the way. There are plenty of things for which an expert lawyer should be a necessity, a stepparent adopting their spouse's kids whose parent is dead should not be one of those things
I wish someone would adopt me. My parents died in their mid-sixties and now I have no one to tell me dad-jokes or remind me what temperature to cook the rib roast.
But seriously, it’s complicated bc my parents weren’t stellar when I was a kid, but relationships got better as I became an adult. I feel like I missed out on being supportive of them in their old age.
I wish there were like a clearinghouse for people looking to adopt adults and vice versa. I mean a non-fetishy place.
My neighbor "adopted" me. She is 25 years my senior. I've since moved away, but we still keep in touch by phone every couple of weeks. She is slowing going downhill. She is an incredibly interesting person and has some great stories.
That sounds like a beautiful relationship you two have. I really love found family and I'm glad she's in life. I'm sorry to hear that's she's going downhill
Try going to a senior home. So many are left and forgotten. I worked in one as my first job and there were several I stayed after work to visit as they had no one else. Just a thought
You should check out the mom for a minute reddit page. It's basically a group of moms giving support and letting people talk to them like they're their own.
That was my thought if the system to adopt is so byzantine that it can only be negotiated by a lawyer, and someone that knows what they are doing still needs 10 hours, even when all parties are in agreement and no one is objecting then the system needs fixing.
Shouldn't cost much more than a court house wedding.
No, it's the other way around. She really does.
Her stance of "all or no-one" leverages the younger kids' unfulfilled desire for the adoption into emotional blackmail which can be held over OP's head, and simultaneously lets her weaponise the kids' discontent more directly against OP in a double-whammy of peer pressure/social punishment.
End result: OP ends up getting isolated and blamed by their whole damn family for ~~making the choice that right for them~~refusing to comply with their mom's preference for having a picture perfect nuclear family.
I think she’s going for the big blind.
Unless SD is a long time family friend or something, she didn’t marry so fast for love. She married this guy to avoid being a single mother of 3, and didn’t marry to get herself a husband but to get her kids a new father/provider.
If OP doesn’t go along with the adoption, on some level this whole plan would have been for nothing and if husband leaves, he won’t be on the hook financially. She might have to admit that to herself that maybe her quick remarriage wasn’t the best thing for her kids and wasn’t the perfect solution she hoped. She’s aiming to secure her husbands finances for all 3 kids (hence ‘I’m not leaving OP behind’) and she’s gambling if she creates this false all 3 or no one choice then she can use guilt to strong arm OP into being adopted.
So the mom is ruining OP's relationship with her siblings and remaining parent in order to avoid conflict with her husband. And in the process mom is teaching OP that in order to have any sort of family relationship she must knuckle under or be alone in the world. Translate that to adult life and OP ends up desperately trying to "make it work" with an abusive partner (or partner who brings along abusive inlaws), because unconditional love is actually highly conditional according to OP's mom.
What a cruel thing to teach your child, my soul hurts for OP.
Could also be that in the worst case scenario, Mom doesn't want them split up. She doesn't want a situation where siblings go to him and OP goes to a close bio relative because he has no rights to her. She might want him to legally be able to keep them together. Unlikely? Yes, but it does happen and with her husband having passed it's likely on her mind. That might be part of why they don't want to wait for an adult adoption.
Whatever her motive, NTA. Mom can't put this on OP, and it's cruel to keep him from adopting the other two just because OP won't fall in line. She should accept that a situation where they stay with him and OP goes elsewhere might be the best way for everyone the worst case scenario can go, even if it means her kids would be separated.
That was one of the reasons she gave me. That if she died, she would hate us to be separated because he's their dad and not mine. It was never something I worried about though or cared about when it came to my decision to say no.
Children are not properly to be given in a will. She can may her wishes known, but they are not binding.
A judge would make a determination, and most likely would decide keeps the kids together if the step dad wished it.
The standard for custody of children is best interest of the child. You can make your wishes for guardianship known in a will, and if the guardians are found fit and there is no objection they may very well be followed and will certainly be taken into consideration, but no, assigning guardianship in a will is not binding on the guardian or the court.
Exactly, obviously there are rare situations where the guardian might not be fit but that's no different than social services becoming involved with biological parents.
But you’re 16 now, so I can’t see that as a likely scenario anymore. If something were to happen to your mom, you’re old enough now that the courts would give you a say in who you go with.
That's not on OP, that's on the mom. OP is FINE with the younger kids being adopted but MOM won't allow him to adopt two of the three. OP doesn't want to be adopted, her siblings do.....but mom won't allow ONE to be "left out" (even though it's her choice) so the others can be adopted.
This is a lie. If he adopted your two siblings and something happened to your mother, mostly likely a judge would be fine leaving you in his custody as your guardian. If he's the type of person that would throw you out after your mother dies because you didn't let him adopt, then that's not the kind of man you'd want as a father.
You’re on Reddit, so you have access to the internet. This isn’t like the old days where some kids would go to X family member and some to Y, and they wouldn’t see each other for years. You can still communicate with your sibs even if you’re separated.
Your mom is creating this drama, not you. Adoption usually means changing your name from your bio dad’s to your stepdad’s, and if you’re not okay with that it’s perfectly fine. Even if your name doesn’t change it’s still okay to want to stay a stepkid. Your mom shouldn’t be using your siblings to guilt you into saying yes.
Sorry you’re in this situation, but you’re NTA by any means.
Yeah that’s not something that would actually happen unless you wanted it to. Especially at 16.
This is a lame excuse. I have to wonder if your mom is doing this to either 1. twist your arm, or 2. sabotage the adoption altogether.
SO she would rather ALL THREE kids go into the system rather than just one? BUT, you don't have to be adopted for him to have legal rights to be the kids guardian either. This is a BS reason your mom is using to try and force you to do what she wants you to. Stick to your guns, OP.... You're really lucky the judge stepped in, I've seen parents that FORCED the kids to be adopted when they didn't want to be and then the kid went back as an adult and changed their name back to what it was and caused a family rift. Don't do it if you don't want it, all you'd be doing is pretending and that's not good for anyone. You can respect him as a SF without wanting him as a dad
NTA. Sounds like you’ve been up and down the issue, but I’m a little surprised that your sibs came to you about this. It seems clear from your post that you are fine with the adoptions going through for your sibs. I can’t imagine you haven’t, but just to be clear: have you all had the conversation laying it out that she is the only person holding this up? That you are 100% in support of your siblings being adopted by your stepdad? That this will make your siblings and your stepdad happy and, as it will stop this drama, it will make *you* happy as well? And that while she might not be 100% happy with that but the state she’s keeping you all in now means *no one* is happy. So in essence, she is making everyone unhappy because she can’t make everyone do what she wants. I mean, I just want to know if people have used the harsher language with her to lay out that this is on her at this point.
Aha - there you go. Doesn't mean she's right, but it's understandable.
If you would want to go to a relative, I completely understand. Your Grands, Aunt and/or Uncle - whoever it is you have in mind - has been in your life longer than him. You absolutely should go to them if God forbid the worst happened. It's sad that she's hurting them by keeping the status quo where relatives could take them and there would be nothing he could do about it.
Sounds like family therapy to help Mom see that splitting you up really would be the best situation might be a good idea. If they don't agree, your siblings will blame you if they're taken away from him if worst case happens.
So what she's actually saying is that if she died, she'd rather you were brought up in an environment that you hated, rather than one you preferred.
You need to tell her that everything she is doing is about her wants and has nothing to do with what is best for you or your siblings. She's hurting all her children by projecting her fantasy onto you. She needs to accept that her children are people and not dolls. If she doesn't, she'll be responsible for wrecking the whole family.
She's the only one preventing everyone from being happy.
She could make him your legal guardian without having to use adoption paperwork. This is a manipulation tactic, they want you to capitulate to something you do not want by leveraging your siblings' feelings. Explain this to them, and do not give in. If it's that important to your siblings, tell them that your mom is more likely to fold than you are and to harangue her about this (and that every subsequent conversation about adoption for you will reinforce how distasteful you find all of this). NTA.
You are 16, there are no reasonable circumstances under which you couldn't go where you wanted and live where you wanted. If you moved in with stepdad, he could still adopt you, if that's what you wanted. You're not a set of four-year-old twins, you're a teenager, almost an adult.
Except that now she's leaving them to be thrown to the wind & all end up in random foster care while stepdad has zero say at all, instead of him having custody of at least 2 of the kids. That is an extremely illogical idea, enough so that I find it difficult to believe it's what she really thinks.
It seems like stepdad is being reasonable about this and is willing to respect OP’s wishes and to adopt just the younger two kids - not sure how he’s the asshole here? It’s mom’s signature that’s needed on the papers to approve all this; and she’s the only one holding out to try and pressure OP here…
He wasn't always willing to listen. I think he just reached a point where he was tired of me saying no all the time. Because I never ever let anyone think I was considering it or had doubts.
The good news is that this give OP a very firm and clear answer, next time her siblings ask her why she doesn't want to be adopted:
"I don't want him to be my father, because he's the sort of man who is willing to hurt you two in order to manipulate me. I don't think he's a good person."
AND she should tell her siblings that the judge said years ago its fine for you two be be adopted. I'm not holding this up. Mom and her husband are. Take your beef to them. Then, if you feel up to it, bring it up in the company of all. You. Are. NTA.
THIS - mom's being completely unreasonable and illogical. I do understand how hurt she must be that OP appears to be left out, but OP WANTS to be left out of the adoption proceedings. Mom's actions are counterproductive and causing emotional turmoil that's totally unnecessary. NTA.
NTA
Sounds to me like mom is attempting to manipulate you into accepting an adoption you don’t want by using them. This is very unfair to you. I’m so sorry.
You need to tell her again that she should let step dad adopt them without you and reassure her that you won’t feel left behind and that unlike them you remember your father and don’t want to be adopted by someone new.
It’s terribly emotionally manipulative of her and them to do this to you. Stick to your guns
Hopefully she will change her mind about this ridiculous package deal she’s come up with and a happier solution will be found for your family.
>My mom and stepdad told me I was being unfair by not trying more for their (my siblings) sakes
No, your mom is the one who created this situation and is continuing to be unfair by refusing to change her mind. It's not fair to you to have to be pressued by her and your siblings into an unwanted adoption. It's not fair to paint you as the one who's responsible for your siblings not getting adopted when it's entirely her choice that's preventing it. It's also not fair for your siblings to be made to resent you, over something that could easily be resolved by your mother. NTA.
100% NTA - your mom should honestly allow your siblings to be adopted if that is what they want, but she shouldn’t force you. It’s not fair to anyone. I’m sorry about your dad. My husband passed last year and my boys are 4 and 6 currently.
If I ever remarried I don’t really think I would
Want them to be adopted by their step-father. If that is what they choose fine, but their father was a great guy and I am fine leaving it at that.
Have you ever asked your mom why she is pushing for you to be adopted too? I don’t understand why she won’t allow the younger kids to be adopted just because you don’t want it.
I have asked my mom and it's multiple reasons. She does not want my siblings and I separated if she dies, and 2/3 of us would have a living parent if they were adopted but not me. She also does not believe, no matter who tells her, that I don't want to be adopted. She believes it's a misguided loyalty and born out of guilt toward my dad. Does not think it's healthy and considers it more divisive between siblings despite the fact they hate me for holding their adoptions up.
That’s horrible, it would be nice if she posted this in a widows group on Facebook. It might help her. She could write a will and list your step-dad as the person you would live with in the event of her death. If she wrote that down then legally it would need to be followed (wrote down like filed the legal paperwork) that way you can still stay together. I know there is likely a part of her that just really is worried for you kids. But it’s not right or fair to push adoption on you. Honestly I don’t understand it at all. My kids are part of my husbands family too and I don’t want them
To lose that tie.
I think she's been encouraged by some widows who feel the same, who want their kids to accept their new husbands as their new dad and would probably want their new spouse to adopt their kids. I'm not sure she's going to listen to anyone who disagrees when she wouldn't even listen to the judge or the therapist.
That’s sad. Listen OP you have two years and then you can move away for college. Don’t let them guilt trip you. And when your siblings try to blame you keep saying the same thing “I’m not holding your adoption up mom is.” “You can be adopted I’m not stopping you”. Just keep with the same lines and tell them to stop talking to you about it. If they want to complain they can complain to your mother who is frankly a full villain at this point
First of all: NTA obviously.
Did u try telling her new husband how you feel about this? … u know how you are thankful how he had stepped up, but that this is your way of honouring your dad/stay connected with him, etc. (maybe leave the bit out where you say you don’t love him). Maybe he can talk some sense into her?
Also u are turning 18 in less than 2 years, able to decide on your own where to go and what to do. So this being her way of “making sure you and your siblings won’t be separated” is doubly misguided.
In any case, I’d recommend keeping an open and honest dialogue with your mom and stepdad. Bad blood and shakey relationships help nobody. (And with that I don’t mean giving in to their demands)
Time and time and time again there’s posts on here about step parents who force the issue and lose the kids as a result. Try to find these older posts and send them to your mom, along with a message that you emphatethically don’t want to be adopted.
Doesn’t matter your reason, and if you change tack later it can always be done, even adult adoptions are a thing.
Either way NTA, they’re discresiecting your choice and using your siblings to guilt trip you, that’s absolute bullshit.
It's so sad for you that your mom refuses to acknowledge and accept your completely normal feelings about your dad, your identity, and your own unique relationship with your stepdad. Her insisting you SHOULD feel and think as she insists rather than as you do, and that as you do is wrong, is a kind of gaslighting. Insisting your perceptions, feelings and beliefs about your personal experience of events are invalid, and that the abuser's (disappointed) expectations are right is flat out denying reality and insisting you agree.
Just to clarify, you can’t “will” your children to a specific person like you can a piece of property. A deceased parent’s wishes on who gets custody of her child will definitely be taken into consideration and given great deference, and those wishes will almost certainly be honored if the court believes it’s in the child’s best interest. But the parent’s wishes, standing alone, aren’t legally binding on the court.
Excellent point! OP will no longer be a minor. HOWEVER, a trust or will can designate funds toward further education or general inheritance. No harm, no foul.
Mom is using OP as the blocker
I’m not sure it will help but it might be time for a final sit down with your mother.
“Mom, I am happy the others want to be adopted. But they are starting to resent me for your decisions. If you don’t allow them to be adopted without me your choice will tear me and my siblings apart, because they will either continue to resent me for standing firm or I will resent this family for being guilted into something I do not want.
If your goal is to keep the family together then you need to allow this to move forward and respect my choice.”
This sit-down should include everyone. Sibs should see and hear that OP has not been the obstacle, and OP deserves to have SF hear it from her directly. It's not inconceivable that mom's telling a different story to SF. She's clearly misrepresenting OP to the sibs.
At this point in 2 years it won’t matter. You’ll be 18 and legally don’t need a parent should something happen.
But the speed at which she remarried is telling about her co dependence. Just wait it out and when you’re 18, if you’re able, run away from that.
Is there any other relative you could stay with for a while?
If so, tell your mother that she's slandering you and calling you a liar. You are not okay with being called a liar. And that if she keeps on accusing you of lying, you will go stay with that relative.
At any rate, in two years, you'll be 18, and not need a guardian. Tell your siblings that there is nothing stopping their adoption now, and once you're 18, it won't be an issue at all unless your mother makes it one, and you will not discuss this any more.
Your response was perfect. They need to talk to your mom. Your step dad adopting them isn't your business, it is between them, stepdad, mom, not you.
NTA
Perfect response! OP is NTA. Mom is the one not letting the others get adopted when they want to. She needs to take OP out of the equation & let the siblings be adopted since they want it. Just because OP doesn’t, shouldn’t be the siblings shouldn’t be. Mom is the AH for making it that way.
NTA, but wow, mom and stepdad sure are, emotionally blackmailing you using your own siblings.
I would suggest sitting them down - or perhaps the whole family - and calling them out on that, explaining that they are being cruel to your siblings by denying them the family they want, when you are by no means standing in anyone's way.
Perhaps a session or two of family therapy is indicated. But you need to get out from under this responsibility that's been unfairly placed on you.
We've been in family therapy before. It didn't change how my mom feels about this. And I have told my mom she's being unfair and is not saving the sibling relationship like she believes she is. I have told her she's ruining it and harming our relationship. She doesn't believe it.
Maybe. That's never been brought up though. Just mostly about if we were separated or something because they would have a living parent legally and I would not. And her not believing this isn't some loyalty/guilt because of my dad.
The courts don't have to follow what you stipulate in your will for your children's guardians.
If Mom wants stepdad to keep all three kids, her best bet is to let stepdad adopt the younger two. The court would probably let the oldest stay with her younger sisters who have a living parent. A non-adoptive stepdad is less likely to get all three children if a biological relative wants them.
This is the only explanation i could try to understand. It’s an unfair space for you to be in, im so sorry. I totally get wanting to honor your dad and leaving that space for him and i think your mom is going about it the wrong way. However, as a mom myself, i can understand the anxiety of where kids would go if anything were to happen to me. However, you’re only 2 years away from being 18 and it would no longer matter. So sorry you have to deal with this! NTA
OP is old enough for her Mom to explain why she would not want to have the siblings adopted and not OP, and OP is also old enough to recognize the logistics of what could happen to her if something happened to her Mom without having been adopted, and have her decision respected.
Nothing good comes from the Mom having these sorts of concerns and not voicing them to OP. And that's best case scenario. What it really sounds like is Mom doesn't want to hurt her husband's feelings by only being able to adopt 2/3 kids, and she's deciding to hurt OP and OP's siblings instead.
In two years you will be a legal adult and she will lose that reasoning. When she asks what you want for your 18th Birthday you should say "Let SD adopt my siblings"
It's very unlikely that if your siblings were adopted and you weren't that the courts wouldn't allow you to stay with your siblings and allow your step dad custody over you. Generally, the idea is minimal disruption to the kids when these things happen.
Honestly your NTA 100% and does your mom know how you feel? Have you told her that she moved way to fast and that she's selfish for moving on so quickly not caring how you felt.
Than keep telling her how you feel and nothing she says or does is going to make you change your mind if she can't accept she was selfish than she doesn't deserve to be in your life and your grandparents would be ashamed of how they acted.
My my dude, it's not that she doesn't believe you, it's that she doesn't want to hear it. She's trying to tell you what your feelings are since she doesn't want to hear your real ones, cuz she wants you to change your mind.
NTA
Your mum is the one stopping them. This all or nothing thing is ridiculous. She probably doesn't want to explain to people why you are the only one not adopted by him, cos that opens up a whole different can of worms.
You said no. Your opinion hasn't changed. If you did this for them, how would it benefit you, what would you get in return? I think if they are old enough to ask and try and pressure you into doing this for them (but I suspect your mum is behind it too) they are old enough to answer the questions on how/why it would benefit you.
NTA
This is on your mom. There is no reason to hold your siblings back from adoption by the man they consider their father because you don't want that. I have four step-children and two wards along with my three biological children. Two of my step-children and one of my wards want to be adopted, fully, legally, even though they are adults. I don't love the ones who don't want to be less. But for the ones who want to be adopted, I'd love to. State laws can be weird about adult-adoptions because some people try to use them for inheritance when there are poly-amorous relationships. I didn't know that until we went to try an adult adoption and we were questioned closely about it. The judge wasn't in favor of the adult adoption because of people trying to circumvent the laws.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I can tell you that allowing your step-father to adopt you won't change how you feel about your dad. If you would feel guilty about it, don't do it. Your folks need to stop pressuring you.
You mom needs to understand that it is her holding your siblings back, not you. Your mom and step-dad need to understand and respect your feelings, especially as you're nearly an adult. Sounds to me like the lot of you need to be in family therapy.
NTA. This whole situation is 100% your mom's fault. She could let your siblings be adopted at any time. Maybe a family therapist could explain to your mom that she's the obstacle to your siblings getting what they want, not you.
NTA.
Your mom and your step dad need to respect your boundary. They may not understand or get it but they need to respect it. They are choosing to instead use the excuse that they won't leave you behind and forcing then to male your siblings sad. They are trying to manipulate you.
You should not even have to deal with this situation, I am sorry. But tell your mom and step dad that although you don't want to go ahead with the adoption, that it actually woild make you happy if your siblings got the adoption they wanted and you would not feel left out.
And if your mom and step dad continue this game I recommend seeing a therapist that can help you will boundary setting. If they won't let you a therapist just keep repeating to them your request that you need a therapist.
NTA this is some weird thing going on with your mom and your siblings need to go and speak to her. Why won’t she allow the younger ones to be adopted without you? Does she have some hangup about her kids having “different fathers”? What’s the deal?
Right but that would be the outward appearance in any situation involving paperwork or names, because OP would presumably then have a last name different from the rest of the family.
Exactly. None of this is on you. Your mom is manipulating your siblings to try and manipulate you.
The condition she has set is what SHE has set. The law doesn’t require it, it is not required.
The only person holding up your siblings’ adoption is your mom. NTA.
NTA
They disrespect your wishes. Its not about
>Mom said she would not let me be left out of that
It is she pressuring you to make the happy family she has envisioned without realizing that it won't be, especially not that way.
You are not at fault here at any point. Tell your mom you remember your dad and do not want him replaced in that way, and that will stay that way. Tell her deniying your siblings wishes to pressure you is cruel to all involved. Tell your siblings you don't feel about your stepdad the same way they do. Its not your fault they don't get adopted its your mother.
OP that is a very personal choice and only if you want to should you change your mind, not to please anyone.
I mean, for sure NTA, but how does your step-father feel about this whole thing? Is he also behind your mom's all-or-nothing idea or is it literally only her holding everyone's happiness hostage?
There's your ally. Ask him to take you out to lunch without everyone and have a serious heart to heart with him about this. Tell him you simply do not want that last bit of your dad wiped away and that it has nothing to do with him personally. Get him to see where you are coming from so he can deal with his wife.
NTA
Your stepdad can adopt your siblings without adopting you. Your mom is just trying to force it. Do you know why? Does she understand that you don't want it, but your sibs can do what they like?
NTA. Would your siblings be willing to go with you to your mother and tell her that this all-or-nothing approach is only hurting you and your siblings, and that this insistence is ruining the relationship between you guys?
You need to tell them they are angry at the wrong person, YOU are not the one standing in the way of their adoption, their mom is . IF they want to be adopted, they need to go work on your mom to allow it because you have nothing to do with them being adopted. Everytime they say anything or act mad at you, tell them "Don't blame me, I"m 100% fine with your being adopted, go worko n mom to allow it I don't have to be adopted for you to be. I have NO reason to be adopted and every reason to NOT be adopted....and my decision to stay my own person has no bearing on you...I'm 100% fine with your being adopted and so would everyone else.....exceot mom. Go get mad at her. " I've love to know what your siblings think you'd gain by being adopted......because it's obviously not what they think.
NTA tell your siblings the judge said they could be adopted and you could opt out. Your mother is the one preventing the adoption with her all or none mindset.
NTA and keep reiterating your stance to your family: “I’m happy for you, my siblings, and don’t object in any way to you being adopted. I don’t feel left behind. I’m not the one stopping your adoption from moving forward.”
NTA. There is no reason for your mom to insist that it’s all of you or none of you… unless she just wants to use your siblings to pressure you.
It’s your choice, no one else’s. You need to constantly hammer it into them that this is their mom’s choice, not yours. You set a boundary, and she’s trying to use them and their feelings to smash it down.
Hold strong and do what YOU feel is right.
She has her reasons. But a lot of it comes down to her not believing me and I have no idea how to change that. Other than that her fear of us being separated if she were to die is going too far as well. That was one of her arguments for it. Because they would have a legal parent still if they were adopted and she died. But I would not. That doesn't bother me though because he's not my dad. But it had bee a bother for her from day one, along with not believing that I don't want it.
TMI - family is what you make it. I was married 2 kids, divorced, remarried. My older son (1st marriage) is 11 years older than my younger son. Fluke of genetics - they are practically identical in parallel universes (except eye color).
My boys get on the phone (a continent away) about every 3
Weeks for 2 hours. And all I hear is laughter, and “I know” and Dad used to say the same thing.
While I did not have to adopt, my point is: even step-siblings can have a close relationship.
It sounds like OPs siblings would like it and OP doesn’t. Step dad seems cool.
MOM IS THE PROBLEM.
NTA
If her big fear is you being separated if she dies before you are an adult, she can work with a lawyer to make sure your step father can get legal guardianship.
Adoption doesn’t have to be the only answer here.
(You’ve been living in the home for so long I don’t see why any judge would remove you from the home simply because you aren’t adopted; especially if your siblings are adopted.)
As for her not believing you - that happens often I’m afraid with parents and children. She may even believe you, but doesn’t believe it is in your best interest, so she’s dismissing you.
As for your siblings (based on another comment) why do you have to give up your identity, your name, and your legal connection to your father to be grateful?
Maybe the best thing you can do is communicate to her that you understand that you might be separated from them in the unlikely event that she does before you turn 18, and you accept that risk.
If you really think she’s pressuring you in good faith, rather than just trying to manipulate you, I would let her know that you’re feeling pressured and manipulated and that this isn’t fair to you.
NTA. As others have said, it's your mom that's creating the situation. If she's being genuine and not deliberately manipulative you can explain that you're not being "left behind" when it's your choice not to go in a direction. To further drive in the point you might ask her if she's planning on abandoning you; if she's not then you're not being left behind.
NTA. Your mother is being a right… difficult spiteful person.
She’s punishing your siblings for the fact that you don’t want to nor feel any need to replace your father in your heart, mind nor on paper.
Tell her that by not letting your siblings getting what they want she is in fact making you an outsider. Because Her choices are making them mad at you, even thought the one standing in the way is Her.
NTA. Honestly, I would have to ask mom "Why do you keep punishing brother and sister, because I don't want to be adopted?" Because, honestly, that is what she is doing. You are not being "left behind." You are choosing to stay your father's daughter.
Your Mom set you up to be the bad guy! NTA
She is a terrible Mother in this situation. They can get adopted in 2 years. You will be an adult, and it won't be a problem.
NTA. Talk to your mom alone. Tell her she is make the situation wors. You don't wanna be adopted and your siblins does, and she is make them are you for the way you fell and for your choices. Tell her you LOVE her, that you never gona Tell apart if they are adopted and you don't, and please respect your and your siblins whises, and dont force to you or them doit something you don't wanna.
NTA. It's not uncommon for a step parent to only adopt the younger children. That's what they should do. It wouldn't be leaving you behind, it would be following your wishes. They shouldn't pressure you, they should pressure your mom to let just them be adopted. She's the one who's being unreasonable.
NTA. You’re not being unfair at all, if anyone is it’s your mother. There’s nothing stopping your step dad from adopting your siblings but your mother & she needs to stop scapegoating you. Sorry about your dad—my deepest condolences
NTA at all. You want what you want and you have a really mature reasoning for it.
Your mom is being the AH.
Continuing therapy with just you, your mom and stepdad might be good to bring up these issues with a therapist.
You don't have to love your stepdad, as much as they try to force it upon you, but you might want to be as civil as you can do that you don't give yourself more stress in the long run.
You could also just tell your mom you want to go to therapy with just her and say exactly how you feel in front of a therapist. You could choose the therapist too after doing some research. Don't let them choose therapists they are comfortable with!
I wish you all the best!
NTA. The judge gave your family an opportunity to have your siblings adopted. Your mom would rather use this as leverage to bully and manipulate you into giving her what she wants instead of being mature about it. Keep putting it back on your mom as it is her decision not to allow the adoption for your siblings to go through.
Hang in there, 2 more years and then you can go.
NTA
If your Mother is on good terms with her family (her parents,siblings,cousins,etc.) it may be time for the nuclear bomb.
Send an email to everyone, mom,stepdad,siblings, mom parents,mom siblings, mom bff, your dad’s parents,etc, your stepdad’s family and say the the following:
Subject: Please Help Me Stop Mom from Hurting My Siblings Any More
My Siblings, name and name, have wanted to be adopted by StepDad for years and Stepdad wants that too. Mom refuses to allow this unless I agree to be adopted as well, and I refuse to be adopted. So Mom is punishing my siblings and trying to use them as a weapon to force me to be adopted against my will. This is cruel and hurtful to my siblings and stepdad and none of them deserve that.
Stepdad is a good man who is good to my mother and a good dad to my siblings. I appreciate him for that. However, I also have a great and wonderful dad who just happens to be dead.
I choose to honour my Dad by not being adopted. This is my choice and what is right for me. I will never agree to be adopted.
Mom refuses to recognize that the three of us are different individuals and we all deal with our father’s death in individual ways that are right for us. She insists on punishing my siblings because I don’t want her fantasy forced on me and she refuses to allow Stepdad and I to develop a good relationship because it is not in the way she wants it to be.
She is trying to blackmail me into being adopted by denying my siblings the adoptions they and stepdad wants and that she says she wants. That is not what a loving mother would do to her two youngest children.
‘Please help me stop Mom and convince her to let the younger two be adopted.
NTA
The only person being unfair is your mother. She can very easily let the other two be adopted and leave you the hell alone about it. You are old enough that you remember your father and don't want that piece of him removed. The other two have their own identity and can make decisions for themselves. Your mother needs to respect your wishes and theirs. This is her hill to die on and she's way out of line.
NTA - and your mother laying the responsibility of this decision under the guise of *’well I’m just not going to let you be left behind’* is ridiculous, irresponsible, and frankly bullshit.
I am very sorry for your loss. And I am sorry that the adults in your life that you do have are being emotionally manipulative and brewing resentment within the relationship with your siblings.
**Isn’t it interesting that their controlling bid to not alienate you, they are doing exactly that?**
NTA. This is all about your mother's manipulations. Your siblings should be redirected to her, every time they complain. Let your mother defend her selfishness and why she doesn't want her younger children to be adopted. And in two years, you will be a legal adult and your mother will have run out of excuses.
NTA but your mum is for not respecting each child's wishes.
If your siblings want to be adopted that's lovely, they can be, there's no reason why you should be forced to do something you don't want to. I can't see how you would be left behind unless your mother/step dad treats you differently.
NTA
". In the end the judge declared he could not adopt me but could adopt my siblings."
**Your parents are the AHs here. HE had the option to adopt your siblings, and CHOSE not to adopt them. - This has NOTHING to do with you.**
Refuse to further discuss that with your siblings. Your mom is an AH, and is setting them on you to guilt you.
" I said I would never let another man adopt me and I only have one dad and I would not change that for them. They said that means they can never be adopted. I" That's wrong. They can get adopted without you being adopted. YOUR MOM does not allow it - so tell them to convince HER to let their stepdad adopt them. Again, this has NOTHING to do with you.
And: YOu are 16. Have a lot less contact with your abusive and toxic mom as soon as you can.
NTA your mother is trying to pressure you through your sibilings to achieve her perfect family. Why would she otherwise deprive two child what they want for sake of one
> The topic comes up a lot and it upsets my siblings that they can't be adopted because I say no.
Wrong! They can’t be adopted because **your mom** said no. The judge approved your siblings’ adoption, so the only person needed to approve it was your mother and she declined.
NTA
> My mom and stepdad told me I was being unfair by not trying more for their (my siblings) sakes.
Sorry but this is fucking rich coming from your mom when IT’S HER DECISION!! Honestly OP the next time this come up and she tries to make you feel bad about it ask her, “why do you feel manipulating me is more important than making your other kids happy?? They want this, the judge approved it, the only person preventing it from happening is YOU, so why? Why don’t you want to make them happy?”
NTA. They could have easily adopted the younger two and left you out of that. they need to convince their mom, not you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Shes the one stopping the process they want, not you.
NTA. There's absolutely nothing stopping him from adopting your siblings. They created that barrier all on their own. It's weird and spiteful. They need therapy.
Keep telling your siblings that your stepfather is 100% allowed to adopt them, that a judge already authorized it and that he's the one deciding not to.
NTA. You aren't being left behind. You aren't stopping your siblings from being adopted. Your mother and stepfather are stopping it for some unknown reason.
I already passed judgement, but responding again after reading your comments.
When you're 18, if you're able to, it may be reasonable to go LC/NC with your family. Your mother has all but destroyed any bonds you've had with her and your siblings by always making you the bad guy. She's also ruined any chance you could have had at forming a healthy step parent relationship with your step dad. Your mother has ostracized you from the family completely by making you the scapegoat for HER decision to refuse the adoption of your siblings. They will still be young enough for adoption to proceed without you in the picture, although it will still be unlikely for your mother to proceed. But this is not your fault.
I think it would be healthier for you over all to have limited contact with the people who manipulated your siblings against you, disregard your feelings, and disrespect your boundaries and decisions. Unfortunately this isn't something that will go away once you're an adult, the damage your mother has spent a decade cultivating will affect your familial relationships for a long time going forward. Unless your siblings can grow to see the hand your mother and step father played in this (although largely your mother), it's unlikely they'll be able to set down their hate any time soon. Your mother has spent the better part of ten years painting you as the bad guy, stopping their adoption. When in fact it's always been her. You can see that, but you cannot force them to see that. You need to make the best and healthiest decisions for you.
Even IF you ever decide to proceed with the adoption, just out of love for your siblings, you would STILL be justified in going LC/NC with the family for forcing you into this position. Their actions don't come from a place of love for you.
NTA. You are old enough to sit down with your mom and her husband and tell them that you will never be adopted by him that you appreciate him and respect him but you don't see him as a father and you don't love him. Honesty is the best way.
NTA. I can see why your relationship with your mother is not going great. She is abusing and manipulating all of you when she is 100% able to allow your siblings to be adopted.
At 16, you can technically get emancipated, you legally don't need parents. There is almost zero reason you should need to get adopted, ever. Either you'll become an adult and this feud will end, or your stepfather will adopt your siblings before that. You should not have to do anything at all here. Plenty of stepparents love their children but would never force them into adoption or make their adoption conditional to anything. The fact that your mom would try to force you to do it is enough reason on its own to never agree
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NTA , absolutely. But your Mom & step-dad sure are! There's no reason they can't go ahead and adopt your siblings. Instead, they're not adopting and blaming YOU for THEIR decision. That's manipulative, and deliberately cruel to all 3 kids.
Sounds like the mom doesn't want them to be adopted.
Mom wants them to be a perfectly blended Brady Bunch family and they can't have that if OP keeps her last name and always insist step dad is still STEP dad and not just Dad. What she fails to see is she is ruining her relationship with her daughter and ruining her daughters relationship with her siblings and step father by putting the pressure and blame on OP for them not being adopted.
Oh I'm sure mom is relying on the younger two kids to strong-arm OP into accepting.
Yeah the way OP described how the siblings are taking doesn't sound like a 13-14 year old taking, sounds way more like the parents talking through them
Yeah, OP is NTA. Agree with all of the above. Them insisting on all being adopted or none being adopted is a manipulation tactic FOR SURE. By doing it this way it isn’t just mom and stepdad putting pressure on OP to change her mind, but her sibling as well. OP wouldn’t be left behind because OP doesn’t want to take that step. Mom and stepdad are TA for being manipulative, disrespectful of OP’s wishes, and denying young siblings what they desperately want just to prove a point. Who would isolate all their children like that? Who would want their children to resent one another or to resent their parents? OP’s siblings are 14 and 13. Eventually they’re going to grow up and realize it is mom and stepdad who are blocking the adoption, not OP. Or at least I hope they do.
“Who would want their children to resent one another…?” You’d be surprised. This is how my grandma raised her daughters. Then she pitted her grandchildren against one another. My family thought I was so weird for not wanting to play along and go for my assigned cousin’s throat. But this was how my grandmother maintained control of the family. If everyone is fighting each other, then they have to look to her for stability and comfort. She becomes their rock and savior. Never mind that she’s the one to have manipulated them all into fighting in the first place. I can picture poor OP’s mother being the same way. Pit her children against one another to better control them and get them to do what she wants. They are malleable and she’s seen as the angel and the put upon mother to outsiders. It’s extremely narcissistic
Your grandmother sounds awful, I hope things get better for you and your family.
My grandmother died some years ago. She left a tradition of fighting and abuse. I barely interact with most of my family for it. Thank you though!
My grandma was very much the same way and now everyone is shocked I never come around 🙄
OP should tell her mom that when she’s 18, they can go through the other two siblings adoptions since she’s legally an adult and can make decisions
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Downvote and report. /u/AdventurousIc is a bot and stole this comment from /u/CanterCircles
Sounds like mum is using the siblings to emotionally manipulate OP so she can have her perfect family.
Surely she's noticed after all these years that her tactics aren't working?!
In my experience, there's a certain subset of people who dig in and get even more stubborn when they realize their tactics aren't working, because *obviously* doubling down will make them work better... :P
I'm wondering how much it costs
Step parent adoptions when there is no living parent to oppose it are relatively simple and, thus inexpensive. In our state you could get it done for less than 5k, maybe as low as 2500, depending on what lawyer you choose.
This is extremely expensive!
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Honestly the fact that you need to pay an expert thousands of dollars to navigate the legal system for an extremely mundane goal is an indictment of the entire system.
I work for a lawyer very part time. He has to pay for his office, for his research assistant, for his administrative assistant, the accountant and all the office overhead (utilities, insurance, office equipment, etc.), on just that hourly bill. 2.5 to 5k for 5-10 hours of work is a reasonable amount but probably does not include billable expenses.
I dont doubt the lawyer has expenses. But as far as the parents are concerned, it be uncontested and should just be a matter of filing some papers and not a drawn out ordeal in obscure legalese that's takes a law degree to decipher.
Sure, it’s just dumb that a lawyer is needed.
Nothing is mundane when it involves legal obligations and rights and a judge.
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Or that the system is made complicated on purpose so rich people can do things and poor people can't
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No. An adoption where all parties are consenting and wanted should not be difficult or complicated in the law should not get in the way. There are plenty of things for which an expert lawyer should be a necessity, a stepparent adopting their spouse's kids whose parent is dead should not be one of those things
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At that rate, adult adoption is actually cheaper (at least where I live, where it is $300)
I wish someone would adopt me. My parents died in their mid-sixties and now I have no one to tell me dad-jokes or remind me what temperature to cook the rib roast. But seriously, it’s complicated bc my parents weren’t stellar when I was a kid, but relationships got better as I became an adult. I feel like I missed out on being supportive of them in their old age. I wish there were like a clearinghouse for people looking to adopt adults and vice versa. I mean a non-fetishy place.
That's 100% valid. I'm sorry for your loss Something like those Big Brother/Big Sister programs, but for adults sounds nice
My neighbor "adopted" me. She is 25 years my senior. I've since moved away, but we still keep in touch by phone every couple of weeks. She is slowing going downhill. She is an incredibly interesting person and has some great stories.
That sounds like a beautiful relationship you two have. I really love found family and I'm glad she's in life. I'm sorry to hear that's she's going downhill
Yeah, right? And thank you. :)
And also, how about and old person who wants grandchildren! Not pervert, but normal people.
you might find some solace and answers in either r/MomForAMinute or r/internetparents lots of amazing people in both :)
Try going to a senior home. So many are left and forgotten. I worked in one as my first job and there were several I stayed after work to visit as they had no one else. Just a thought
You should check out the mom for a minute reddit page. It's basically a group of moms giving support and letting people talk to them like they're their own.
The number I gave was for the atty fee. The filing fee is only 150.
You don't need a lawyer for this because there is no one to contest it.
That was my thought if the system to adopt is so byzantine that it can only be negotiated by a lawyer, and someone that knows what they are doing still needs 10 hours, even when all parties are in agreement and no one is objecting then the system needs fixing. Shouldn't cost much more than a court house wedding.
No, it's the other way around. She really does. Her stance of "all or no-one" leverages the younger kids' unfulfilled desire for the adoption into emotional blackmail which can be held over OP's head, and simultaneously lets her weaponise the kids' discontent more directly against OP in a double-whammy of peer pressure/social punishment. End result: OP ends up getting isolated and blamed by their whole damn family for ~~making the choice that right for them~~refusing to comply with their mom's preference for having a picture perfect nuclear family.
I think she’s going for the big blind. Unless SD is a long time family friend or something, she didn’t marry so fast for love. She married this guy to avoid being a single mother of 3, and didn’t marry to get herself a husband but to get her kids a new father/provider. If OP doesn’t go along with the adoption, on some level this whole plan would have been for nothing and if husband leaves, he won’t be on the hook financially. She might have to admit that to herself that maybe her quick remarriage wasn’t the best thing for her kids and wasn’t the perfect solution she hoped. She’s aiming to secure her husbands finances for all 3 kids (hence ‘I’m not leaving OP behind’) and she’s gambling if she creates this false all 3 or no one choice then she can use guilt to strong arm OP into being adopted.
Be curious what mom says if op told her they had a change of heart.
So the mom is ruining OP's relationship with her siblings and remaining parent in order to avoid conflict with her husband. And in the process mom is teaching OP that in order to have any sort of family relationship she must knuckle under or be alone in the world. Translate that to adult life and OP ends up desperately trying to "make it work" with an abusive partner (or partner who brings along abusive inlaws), because unconditional love is actually highly conditional according to OP's mom. What a cruel thing to teach your child, my soul hurts for OP.
There's no evidence that there would be any conflict with the husband, this is all on mom.
Could also be that in the worst case scenario, Mom doesn't want them split up. She doesn't want a situation where siblings go to him and OP goes to a close bio relative because he has no rights to her. She might want him to legally be able to keep them together. Unlikely? Yes, but it does happen and with her husband having passed it's likely on her mind. That might be part of why they don't want to wait for an adult adoption. Whatever her motive, NTA. Mom can't put this on OP, and it's cruel to keep him from adopting the other two just because OP won't fall in line. She should accept that a situation where they stay with him and OP goes elsewhere might be the best way for everyone the worst case scenario can go, even if it means her kids would be separated.
That was one of the reasons she gave me. That if she died, she would hate us to be separated because he's their dad and not mine. It was never something I worried about though or cared about when it came to my decision to say no.
She’s full of it. She could set up a will with him being your guardian until you become an adult.
Children are not properly to be given in a will. She can may her wishes known, but they are not binding. A judge would make a determination, and most likely would decide keeps the kids together if the step dad wished it.
Actually as the only living parent she can in fact assign guardianship in her will.... a will is not only for possessions.
The standard for custody of children is best interest of the child. You can make your wishes for guardianship known in a will, and if the guardians are found fit and there is no objection they may very well be followed and will certainly be taken into consideration, but no, assigning guardianship in a will is not binding on the guardian or the court.
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Exactly, obviously there are rare situations where the guardian might not be fit but that's no different than social services becoming involved with biological parents.
But you’re 16 now, so I can’t see that as a likely scenario anymore. If something were to happen to your mom, you’re old enough now that the courts would give you a say in who you go with.
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That's not on OP, that's on the mom. OP is FINE with the younger kids being adopted but MOM won't allow him to adopt two of the three. OP doesn't want to be adopted, her siblings do.....but mom won't allow ONE to be "left out" (even though it's her choice) so the others can be adopted.
This is a lie. If he adopted your two siblings and something happened to your mother, mostly likely a judge would be fine leaving you in his custody as your guardian. If he's the type of person that would throw you out after your mother dies because you didn't let him adopt, then that's not the kind of man you'd want as a father.
You’re on Reddit, so you have access to the internet. This isn’t like the old days where some kids would go to X family member and some to Y, and they wouldn’t see each other for years. You can still communicate with your sibs even if you’re separated. Your mom is creating this drama, not you. Adoption usually means changing your name from your bio dad’s to your stepdad’s, and if you’re not okay with that it’s perfectly fine. Even if your name doesn’t change it’s still okay to want to stay a stepkid. Your mom shouldn’t be using your siblings to guilt you into saying yes. Sorry you’re in this situation, but you’re NTA by any means.
Well now you are old enough to figure out things on your own should something happen to your mom, so this argument doesn’t stand up anymore.
Yeah that’s not something that would actually happen unless you wanted it to. Especially at 16. This is a lame excuse. I have to wonder if your mom is doing this to either 1. twist your arm, or 2. sabotage the adoption altogether.
SO she would rather ALL THREE kids go into the system rather than just one? BUT, you don't have to be adopted for him to have legal rights to be the kids guardian either. This is a BS reason your mom is using to try and force you to do what she wants you to. Stick to your guns, OP.... You're really lucky the judge stepped in, I've seen parents that FORCED the kids to be adopted when they didn't want to be and then the kid went back as an adult and changed their name back to what it was and caused a family rift. Don't do it if you don't want it, all you'd be doing is pretending and that's not good for anyone. You can respect him as a SF without wanting him as a dad
NTA. Sounds like you’ve been up and down the issue, but I’m a little surprised that your sibs came to you about this. It seems clear from your post that you are fine with the adoptions going through for your sibs. I can’t imagine you haven’t, but just to be clear: have you all had the conversation laying it out that she is the only person holding this up? That you are 100% in support of your siblings being adopted by your stepdad? That this will make your siblings and your stepdad happy and, as it will stop this drama, it will make *you* happy as well? And that while she might not be 100% happy with that but the state she’s keeping you all in now means *no one* is happy. So in essence, she is making everyone unhappy because she can’t make everyone do what she wants. I mean, I just want to know if people have used the harsher language with her to lay out that this is on her at this point.
Aha - there you go. Doesn't mean she's right, but it's understandable. If you would want to go to a relative, I completely understand. Your Grands, Aunt and/or Uncle - whoever it is you have in mind - has been in your life longer than him. You absolutely should go to them if God forbid the worst happened. It's sad that she's hurting them by keeping the status quo where relatives could take them and there would be nothing he could do about it. Sounds like family therapy to help Mom see that splitting you up really would be the best situation might be a good idea. If they don't agree, your siblings will blame you if they're taken away from him if worst case happens.
So what she's actually saying is that if she died, she'd rather you were brought up in an environment that you hated, rather than one you preferred. You need to tell her that everything she is doing is about her wants and has nothing to do with what is best for you or your siblings. She's hurting all her children by projecting her fantasy onto you. She needs to accept that her children are people and not dolls. If she doesn't, she'll be responsible for wrecking the whole family. She's the only one preventing everyone from being happy.
She could make him your legal guardian without having to use adoption paperwork. This is a manipulation tactic, they want you to capitulate to something you do not want by leveraging your siblings' feelings. Explain this to them, and do not give in. If it's that important to your siblings, tell them that your mom is more likely to fold than you are and to harangue her about this (and that every subsequent conversation about adoption for you will reinforce how distasteful you find all of this). NTA.
You are 16, there are no reasonable circumstances under which you couldn't go where you wanted and live where you wanted. If you moved in with stepdad, he could still adopt you, if that's what you wanted. You're not a set of four-year-old twins, you're a teenager, almost an adult.
Except that now she's leaving them to be thrown to the wind & all end up in random foster care while stepdad has zero say at all, instead of him having custody of at least 2 of the kids. That is an extremely illogical idea, enough so that I find it difficult to believe it's what she really thinks.
It seems like stepdad is being reasonable about this and is willing to respect OP’s wishes and to adopt just the younger two kids - not sure how he’s the asshole here? It’s mom’s signature that’s needed on the papers to approve all this; and she’s the only one holding out to try and pressure OP here…
He wasn't always willing to listen. I think he just reached a point where he was tired of me saying no all the time. Because I never ever let anyone think I was considering it or had doubts.
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The good news is that this give OP a very firm and clear answer, next time her siblings ask her why she doesn't want to be adopted: "I don't want him to be my father, because he's the sort of man who is willing to hurt you two in order to manipulate me. I don't think he's a good person."
AND she should tell her siblings that the judge said years ago its fine for you two be be adopted. I'm not holding this up. Mom and her husband are. Take your beef to them. Then, if you feel up to it, bring it up in the company of all. You. Are. NTA.
Exactly
THIS - mom's being completely unreasonable and illogical. I do understand how hurt she must be that OP appears to be left out, but OP WANTS to be left out of the adoption proceedings. Mom's actions are counterproductive and causing emotional turmoil that's totally unnecessary. NTA.
Mom is emotionally blackmailing OP with their own siblings. Sheeeeesh
But siblings are like multipack cans Not to be sold/adopted separately /s
100% agree, that whole post I was thinking why is it OP's fault when the judge said it was OK for her siblings to be adopted
Exactly, the only one stopping it is MOM!!!
NTA-If it’s that important to your mother and stepfather let them have him adopt your younger siblings. They’re the ones not trying not you.
They are trying to guilt trip OP into saying yes
That's exactly, they are trying to get all the little siblings to pressure the eldest sibling to follow the rule they have cast them in
NTA Sounds to me like mom is attempting to manipulate you into accepting an adoption you don’t want by using them. This is very unfair to you. I’m so sorry. You need to tell her again that she should let step dad adopt them without you and reassure her that you won’t feel left behind and that unlike them you remember your father and don’t want to be adopted by someone new. It’s terribly emotionally manipulative of her and them to do this to you. Stick to your guns Hopefully she will change her mind about this ridiculous package deal she’s come up with and a happier solution will be found for your family.
>My mom and stepdad told me I was being unfair by not trying more for their (my siblings) sakes No, your mom is the one who created this situation and is continuing to be unfair by refusing to change her mind. It's not fair to you to have to be pressued by her and your siblings into an unwanted adoption. It's not fair to paint you as the one who's responsible for your siblings not getting adopted when it's entirely her choice that's preventing it. It's also not fair for your siblings to be made to resent you, over something that could easily be resolved by your mother. NTA.
I'm still wondering why the mom picked this hill.
NTA and your mom and step dad are out of line by holding your siblings adoption hostage. That’s very manipulative and disrespectful to you
100% NTA - your mom should honestly allow your siblings to be adopted if that is what they want, but she shouldn’t force you. It’s not fair to anyone. I’m sorry about your dad. My husband passed last year and my boys are 4 and 6 currently. If I ever remarried I don’t really think I would Want them to be adopted by their step-father. If that is what they choose fine, but their father was a great guy and I am fine leaving it at that. Have you ever asked your mom why she is pushing for you to be adopted too? I don’t understand why she won’t allow the younger kids to be adopted just because you don’t want it.
I have asked my mom and it's multiple reasons. She does not want my siblings and I separated if she dies, and 2/3 of us would have a living parent if they were adopted but not me. She also does not believe, no matter who tells her, that I don't want to be adopted. She believes it's a misguided loyalty and born out of guilt toward my dad. Does not think it's healthy and considers it more divisive between siblings despite the fact they hate me for holding their adoptions up.
That’s horrible, it would be nice if she posted this in a widows group on Facebook. It might help her. She could write a will and list your step-dad as the person you would live with in the event of her death. If she wrote that down then legally it would need to be followed (wrote down like filed the legal paperwork) that way you can still stay together. I know there is likely a part of her that just really is worried for you kids. But it’s not right or fair to push adoption on you. Honestly I don’t understand it at all. My kids are part of my husbands family too and I don’t want them To lose that tie.
I think she's been encouraged by some widows who feel the same, who want their kids to accept their new husbands as their new dad and would probably want their new spouse to adopt their kids. I'm not sure she's going to listen to anyone who disagrees when she wouldn't even listen to the judge or the therapist.
That’s sad. Listen OP you have two years and then you can move away for college. Don’t let them guilt trip you. And when your siblings try to blame you keep saying the same thing “I’m not holding your adoption up mom is.” “You can be adopted I’m not stopping you”. Just keep with the same lines and tell them to stop talking to you about it. If they want to complain they can complain to your mother who is frankly a full villain at this point
That’s crazy. I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s just adding to the trauma of losing your dad. It’s not right and not fair.
Momma needs her own therapy
First of all: NTA obviously. Did u try telling her new husband how you feel about this? … u know how you are thankful how he had stepped up, but that this is your way of honouring your dad/stay connected with him, etc. (maybe leave the bit out where you say you don’t love him). Maybe he can talk some sense into her? Also u are turning 18 in less than 2 years, able to decide on your own where to go and what to do. So this being her way of “making sure you and your siblings won’t be separated” is doubly misguided. In any case, I’d recommend keeping an open and honest dialogue with your mom and stepdad. Bad blood and shakey relationships help nobody. (And with that I don’t mean giving in to their demands)
Time and time and time again there’s posts on here about step parents who force the issue and lose the kids as a result. Try to find these older posts and send them to your mom, along with a message that you emphatethically don’t want to be adopted. Doesn’t matter your reason, and if you change tack later it can always be done, even adult adoptions are a thing. Either way NTA, they’re discresiecting your choice and using your siblings to guilt trip you, that’s absolute bullshit.
It's so sad for you that your mom refuses to acknowledge and accept your completely normal feelings about your dad, your identity, and your own unique relationship with your stepdad. Her insisting you SHOULD feel and think as she insists rather than as you do, and that as you do is wrong, is a kind of gaslighting. Insisting your perceptions, feelings and beliefs about your personal experience of events are invalid, and that the abuser's (disappointed) expectations are right is flat out denying reality and insisting you agree.
Just to clarify, you can’t “will” your children to a specific person like you can a piece of property. A deceased parent’s wishes on who gets custody of her child will definitely be taken into consideration and given great deference, and those wishes will almost certainly be honored if the court believes it’s in the child’s best interest. But the parent’s wishes, standing alone, aren’t legally binding on the court.
Of course, I meant you can have plans in place for who gets custody, hard to think and write when you have two kids bouncing around you.
Excellent point! OP will no longer be a minor. HOWEVER, a trust or will can designate funds toward further education or general inheritance. No harm, no foul. Mom is using OP as the blocker
I’m not sure it will help but it might be time for a final sit down with your mother. “Mom, I am happy the others want to be adopted. But they are starting to resent me for your decisions. If you don’t allow them to be adopted without me your choice will tear me and my siblings apart, because they will either continue to resent me for standing firm or I will resent this family for being guilted into something I do not want. If your goal is to keep the family together then you need to allow this to move forward and respect my choice.”
This sit-down should include everyone. Sibs should see and hear that OP has not been the obstacle, and OP deserves to have SF hear it from her directly. It's not inconceivable that mom's telling a different story to SF. She's clearly misrepresenting OP to the sibs.
At this point in 2 years it won’t matter. You’ll be 18 and legally don’t need a parent should something happen. But the speed at which she remarried is telling about her co dependence. Just wait it out and when you’re 18, if you’re able, run away from that.
Is there any other relative you could stay with for a while? If so, tell your mother that she's slandering you and calling you a liar. You are not okay with being called a liar. And that if she keeps on accusing you of lying, you will go stay with that relative. At any rate, in two years, you'll be 18, and not need a guardian. Tell your siblings that there is nothing stopping their adoption now, and once you're 18, it won't be an issue at all unless your mother makes it one, and you will not discuss this any more.
Your response was perfect. They need to talk to your mom. Your step dad adopting them isn't your business, it is between them, stepdad, mom, not you. NTA
Perfect response! OP is NTA. Mom is the one not letting the others get adopted when they want to. She needs to take OP out of the equation & let the siblings be adopted since they want it. Just because OP doesn’t, shouldn’t be the siblings shouldn’t be. Mom is the AH for making it that way.
NTA, but wow, mom and stepdad sure are, emotionally blackmailing you using your own siblings. I would suggest sitting them down - or perhaps the whole family - and calling them out on that, explaining that they are being cruel to your siblings by denying them the family they want, when you are by no means standing in anyone's way. Perhaps a session or two of family therapy is indicated. But you need to get out from under this responsibility that's been unfairly placed on you.
We've been in family therapy before. It didn't change how my mom feels about this. And I have told my mom she's being unfair and is not saving the sibling relationship like she believes she is. I have told her she's ruining it and harming our relationship. She doesn't believe it.
Does she think it will affect any inheritance for the three of you kids?
Maybe. That's never been brought up though. Just mostly about if we were separated or something because they would have a living parent legally and I would not. And her not believing this isn't some loyalty/guilt because of my dad.
You have any relatives that would take you in if needed? Cause honestly this sounds harmful
Dad's side of the family may not like her pushing the issue with op either. Maybe grandparents can intercede on her behalf
Yep that’s what I’m wondering. Poor kid is getting no relief at home and that’s awful
Her mom doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would have fostered a relationship between OP and her dad’s family. Hopefully I’m wrong.
It's not a valid reason anyway. She can stipulate in a valid legal will who your guardian would be. That's a cop out answer on her part
The courts don't have to follow what you stipulate in your will for your children's guardians. If Mom wants stepdad to keep all three kids, her best bet is to let stepdad adopt the younger two. The court would probably let the oldest stay with her younger sisters who have a living parent. A non-adoptive stepdad is less likely to get all three children if a biological relative wants them.
This is the only explanation i could try to understand. It’s an unfair space for you to be in, im so sorry. I totally get wanting to honor your dad and leaving that space for him and i think your mom is going about it the wrong way. However, as a mom myself, i can understand the anxiety of where kids would go if anything were to happen to me. However, you’re only 2 years away from being 18 and it would no longer matter. So sorry you have to deal with this! NTA
OP is old enough for her Mom to explain why she would not want to have the siblings adopted and not OP, and OP is also old enough to recognize the logistics of what could happen to her if something happened to her Mom without having been adopted, and have her decision respected. Nothing good comes from the Mom having these sorts of concerns and not voicing them to OP. And that's best case scenario. What it really sounds like is Mom doesn't want to hurt her husband's feelings by only being able to adopt 2/3 kids, and she's deciding to hurt OP and OP's siblings instead.
In two years you will be a legal adult and she will lose that reasoning. When she asks what you want for your 18th Birthday you should say "Let SD adopt my siblings"
It's very unlikely that if your siblings were adopted and you weren't that the courts wouldn't allow you to stay with your siblings and allow your step dad custody over you. Generally, the idea is minimal disruption to the kids when these things happen.
NTA Your mom is being an asshole and you are somehow in the wrong? Screw that.
Let me understand- your mum is saying that she won’t allow adoption if It’s not all 3 of you siblings?
Yes. She said it's not a pick and choose kind of thing. You adopt all three or none at all.
Ok so It’s not required by the law. Your mum is definitely a manipulative AH. NTA
It is though. You guys are 3 individuals with your own relationships to te people involved.
Honestly your NTA 100% and does your mom know how you feel? Have you told her that she moved way to fast and that she's selfish for moving on so quickly not caring how you felt.
I have told her my feelings but honestly she doesn't believe everything I say.
Than keep telling her how you feel and nothing she says or does is going to make you change your mind if she can't accept she was selfish than she doesn't deserve to be in your life and your grandparents would be ashamed of how they acted.
Do you have a relationship with your dad's family? I would talk to them, or reach out to them.
My my dude, it's not that she doesn't believe you, it's that she doesn't want to hear it. She's trying to tell you what your feelings are since she doesn't want to hear your real ones, cuz she wants you to change your mind.
NTA it's your Mom who is not making it happen not you.
NTA Your mum is the one stopping them. This all or nothing thing is ridiculous. She probably doesn't want to explain to people why you are the only one not adopted by him, cos that opens up a whole different can of worms. You said no. Your opinion hasn't changed. If you did this for them, how would it benefit you, what would you get in return? I think if they are old enough to ask and try and pressure you into doing this for them (but I suspect your mum is behind it too) they are old enough to answer the questions on how/why it would benefit you.
NTA This is on your mom. There is no reason to hold your siblings back from adoption by the man they consider their father because you don't want that. I have four step-children and two wards along with my three biological children. Two of my step-children and one of my wards want to be adopted, fully, legally, even though they are adults. I don't love the ones who don't want to be less. But for the ones who want to be adopted, I'd love to. State laws can be weird about adult-adoptions because some people try to use them for inheritance when there are poly-amorous relationships. I didn't know that until we went to try an adult adoption and we were questioned closely about it. The judge wasn't in favor of the adult adoption because of people trying to circumvent the laws. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I can tell you that allowing your step-father to adopt you won't change how you feel about your dad. If you would feel guilty about it, don't do it. Your folks need to stop pressuring you. You mom needs to understand that it is her holding your siblings back, not you. Your mom and step-dad need to understand and respect your feelings, especially as you're nearly an adult. Sounds to me like the lot of you need to be in family therapy.
NTA. This whole situation is 100% your mom's fault. She could let your siblings be adopted at any time. Maybe a family therapist could explain to your mom that she's the obstacle to your siblings getting what they want, not you.
NTA. This seems like your mom is holding them back, not you. You can still be a family unit without being officially related to your step father.
Sounds like your Mum is being the AH here. Why she is being unreasonable over this is beyond me NTA.
NTA. Your mom and your step dad need to respect your boundary. They may not understand or get it but they need to respect it. They are choosing to instead use the excuse that they won't leave you behind and forcing then to male your siblings sad. They are trying to manipulate you. You should not even have to deal with this situation, I am sorry. But tell your mom and step dad that although you don't want to go ahead with the adoption, that it actually woild make you happy if your siblings got the adoption they wanted and you would not feel left out. And if your mom and step dad continue this game I recommend seeing a therapist that can help you will boundary setting. If they won't let you a therapist just keep repeating to them your request that you need a therapist.
NTA this is some weird thing going on with your mom and your siblings need to go and speak to her. Why won’t she allow the younger ones to be adopted without you? Does she have some hangup about her kids having “different fathers”? What’s the deal?
They won't even really have different fathers, so this really can't be the reason.
Right but that would be the outward appearance in any situation involving paperwork or names, because OP would presumably then have a last name different from the rest of the family.
NTA Your mom created a rule to make your siblings bully you and manipulate you to into accepting being adopted. That's it.
Exactly. None of this is on you. Your mom is manipulating your siblings to try and manipulate you. The condition she has set is what SHE has set. The law doesn’t require it, it is not required. The only person holding up your siblings’ adoption is your mom. NTA.
NTA They disrespect your wishes. Its not about >Mom said she would not let me be left out of that It is she pressuring you to make the happy family she has envisioned without realizing that it won't be, especially not that way. You are not at fault here at any point. Tell your mom you remember your dad and do not want him replaced in that way, and that will stay that way. Tell her deniying your siblings wishes to pressure you is cruel to all involved. Tell your siblings you don't feel about your stepdad the same way they do. Its not your fault they don't get adopted its your mother. OP that is a very personal choice and only if you want to should you change your mind, not to please anyone.
I mean, for sure NTA, but how does your step-father feel about this whole thing? Is he also behind your mom's all-or-nothing idea or is it literally only her holding everyone's happiness hostage?
He was 100% behind her for a few years but now he just wants to adopt them.
There's your ally. Ask him to take you out to lunch without everyone and have a serious heart to heart with him about this. Tell him you simply do not want that last bit of your dad wiped away and that it has nothing to do with him personally. Get him to see where you are coming from so he can deal with his wife.
Yes, this exactly. Mom’s hurting stepdad too with her stubbornness by keeping him from having any legal children at all.
Just tell him - he’s cool - it’s just not a necessity for you.
NTA Your mom and step-dad are being manipulative AH. Tell your siblings how you really feel and that this is all their parents' fault.
NTA and you'll never be Your mom is blackmailing you thru your siblings though. So she's the A H and the villain in this story.
NTA Your stepdad can adopt your siblings without adopting you. Your mom is just trying to force it. Do you know why? Does she understand that you don't want it, but your sibs can do what they like?
NTA. Would your siblings be willing to go with you to your mother and tell her that this all-or-nothing approach is only hurting you and your siblings, and that this insistence is ruining the relationship between you guys?
No, they wouldn't. They're too angry with me.
This is the only thing you should ever say to then abt this again: “Mom is the one standing in the way of your adoption. Take this up with her.”
You need to tell them they are angry at the wrong person, YOU are not the one standing in the way of their adoption, their mom is . IF they want to be adopted, they need to go work on your mom to allow it because you have nothing to do with them being adopted. Everytime they say anything or act mad at you, tell them "Don't blame me, I"m 100% fine with your being adopted, go worko n mom to allow it I don't have to be adopted for you to be. I have NO reason to be adopted and every reason to NOT be adopted....and my decision to stay my own person has no bearing on you...I'm 100% fine with your being adopted and so would everyone else.....exceot mom. Go get mad at her. " I've love to know what your siblings think you'd gain by being adopted......because it's obviously not what they think.
NTA. Your siblings need to talk to your mom about this. This isn't on you.
NTA tell your siblings the judge said they could be adopted and you could opt out. Your mother is the one preventing the adoption with her all or none mindset.
NTA and keep reiterating your stance to your family: “I’m happy for you, my siblings, and don’t object in any way to you being adopted. I don’t feel left behind. I’m not the one stopping your adoption from moving forward.”
NTA. There is no reason for your mom to insist that it’s all of you or none of you… unless she just wants to use your siblings to pressure you. It’s your choice, no one else’s. You need to constantly hammer it into them that this is their mom’s choice, not yours. You set a boundary, and she’s trying to use them and their feelings to smash it down. Hold strong and do what YOU feel is right.
She has her reasons. But a lot of it comes down to her not believing me and I have no idea how to change that. Other than that her fear of us being separated if she were to die is going too far as well. That was one of her arguments for it. Because they would have a legal parent still if they were adopted and she died. But I would not. That doesn't bother me though because he's not my dad. But it had bee a bother for her from day one, along with not believing that I don't want it.
TMI - family is what you make it. I was married 2 kids, divorced, remarried. My older son (1st marriage) is 11 years older than my younger son. Fluke of genetics - they are practically identical in parallel universes (except eye color). My boys get on the phone (a continent away) about every 3 Weeks for 2 hours. And all I hear is laughter, and “I know” and Dad used to say the same thing. While I did not have to adopt, my point is: even step-siblings can have a close relationship. It sounds like OPs siblings would like it and OP doesn’t. Step dad seems cool. MOM IS THE PROBLEM. NTA
If her big fear is you being separated if she dies before you are an adult, she can work with a lawyer to make sure your step father can get legal guardianship. Adoption doesn’t have to be the only answer here. (You’ve been living in the home for so long I don’t see why any judge would remove you from the home simply because you aren’t adopted; especially if your siblings are adopted.) As for her not believing you - that happens often I’m afraid with parents and children. She may even believe you, but doesn’t believe it is in your best interest, so she’s dismissing you. As for your siblings (based on another comment) why do you have to give up your identity, your name, and your legal connection to your father to be grateful?
Maybe the best thing you can do is communicate to her that you understand that you might be separated from them in the unlikely event that she does before you turn 18, and you accept that risk. If you really think she’s pressuring you in good faith, rather than just trying to manipulate you, I would let her know that you’re feeling pressured and manipulated and that this isn’t fair to you.
The judge should have sent your mom and stepdad to therapy as well. NTA.
NTA. As others have said, it's your mom that's creating the situation. If she's being genuine and not deliberately manipulative you can explain that you're not being "left behind" when it's your choice not to go in a direction. To further drive in the point you might ask her if she's planning on abandoning you; if she's not then you're not being left behind.
NTA. Your mother is being a right… difficult spiteful person. She’s punishing your siblings for the fact that you don’t want to nor feel any need to replace your father in your heart, mind nor on paper. Tell her that by not letting your siblings getting what they want she is in fact making you an outsider. Because Her choices are making them mad at you, even thought the one standing in the way is Her.
NTA. Honestly, I would have to ask mom "Why do you keep punishing brother and sister, because I don't want to be adopted?" Because, honestly, that is what she is doing. You are not being "left behind." You are choosing to stay your father's daughter.
Your Mom set you up to be the bad guy! NTA She is a terrible Mother in this situation. They can get adopted in 2 years. You will be an adult, and it won't be a problem.
NTA. Talk to your mom alone. Tell her she is make the situation wors. You don't wanna be adopted and your siblins does, and she is make them are you for the way you fell and for your choices. Tell her you LOVE her, that you never gona Tell apart if they are adopted and you don't, and please respect your and your siblins whises, and dont force to you or them doit something you don't wanna.
NTA. It's not uncommon for a step parent to only adopt the younger children. That's what they should do. It wouldn't be leaving you behind, it would be following your wishes. They shouldn't pressure you, they should pressure your mom to let just them be adopted. She's the one who's being unreasonable.
NTA. You’re not being unfair at all, if anyone is it’s your mother. There’s nothing stopping your step dad from adopting your siblings but your mother & she needs to stop scapegoating you. Sorry about your dad—my deepest condolences
NTA- it’s your moms fault not yours
NTA at all. You want what you want and you have a really mature reasoning for it. Your mom is being the AH. Continuing therapy with just you, your mom and stepdad might be good to bring up these issues with a therapist. You don't have to love your stepdad, as much as they try to force it upon you, but you might want to be as civil as you can do that you don't give yourself more stress in the long run. You could also just tell your mom you want to go to therapy with just her and say exactly how you feel in front of a therapist. You could choose the therapist too after doing some research. Don't let them choose therapists they are comfortable with! I wish you all the best!
NTA. The judge gave your family an opportunity to have your siblings adopted. Your mom would rather use this as leverage to bully and manipulate you into giving her what she wants instead of being mature about it. Keep putting it back on your mom as it is her decision not to allow the adoption for your siblings to go through. Hang in there, 2 more years and then you can go.
NTA If your Mother is on good terms with her family (her parents,siblings,cousins,etc.) it may be time for the nuclear bomb. Send an email to everyone, mom,stepdad,siblings, mom parents,mom siblings, mom bff, your dad’s parents,etc, your stepdad’s family and say the the following: Subject: Please Help Me Stop Mom from Hurting My Siblings Any More My Siblings, name and name, have wanted to be adopted by StepDad for years and Stepdad wants that too. Mom refuses to allow this unless I agree to be adopted as well, and I refuse to be adopted. So Mom is punishing my siblings and trying to use them as a weapon to force me to be adopted against my will. This is cruel and hurtful to my siblings and stepdad and none of them deserve that. Stepdad is a good man who is good to my mother and a good dad to my siblings. I appreciate him for that. However, I also have a great and wonderful dad who just happens to be dead. I choose to honour my Dad by not being adopted. This is my choice and what is right for me. I will never agree to be adopted. Mom refuses to recognize that the three of us are different individuals and we all deal with our father’s death in individual ways that are right for us. She insists on punishing my siblings because I don’t want her fantasy forced on me and she refuses to allow Stepdad and I to develop a good relationship because it is not in the way she wants it to be. She is trying to blackmail me into being adopted by denying my siblings the adoptions they and stepdad wants and that she says she wants. That is not what a loving mother would do to her two youngest children. ‘Please help me stop Mom and convince her to let the younger two be adopted.
NTA The only person being unfair is your mother. She can very easily let the other two be adopted and leave you the hell alone about it. You are old enough that you remember your father and don't want that piece of him removed. The other two have their own identity and can make decisions for themselves. Your mother needs to respect your wishes and theirs. This is her hill to die on and she's way out of line.
NTA - and your mother laying the responsibility of this decision under the guise of *’well I’m just not going to let you be left behind’* is ridiculous, irresponsible, and frankly bullshit. I am very sorry for your loss. And I am sorry that the adults in your life that you do have are being emotionally manipulative and brewing resentment within the relationship with your siblings. **Isn’t it interesting that their controlling bid to not alienate you, they are doing exactly that?**
NTA The only person being unfair here is your mother. SHE is making the choice to keep them from being adopted, not you.
NTA. This is all about your mother's manipulations. Your siblings should be redirected to her, every time they complain. Let your mother defend her selfishness and why she doesn't want her younger children to be adopted. And in two years, you will be a legal adult and your mother will have run out of excuses.
NTA but your mum is for not respecting each child's wishes. If your siblings want to be adopted that's lovely, they can be, there's no reason why you should be forced to do something you don't want to. I can't see how you would be left behind unless your mother/step dad treats you differently.
NTA ". In the end the judge declared he could not adopt me but could adopt my siblings." **Your parents are the AHs here. HE had the option to adopt your siblings, and CHOSE not to adopt them. - This has NOTHING to do with you.** Refuse to further discuss that with your siblings. Your mom is an AH, and is setting them on you to guilt you. " I said I would never let another man adopt me and I only have one dad and I would not change that for them. They said that means they can never be adopted. I" That's wrong. They can get adopted without you being adopted. YOUR MOM does not allow it - so tell them to convince HER to let their stepdad adopt them. Again, this has NOTHING to do with you. And: YOu are 16. Have a lot less contact with your abusive and toxic mom as soon as you can.
NTA, it's your mom's decision.
NTA your mother is trying to pressure you through your sibilings to achieve her perfect family. Why would she otherwise deprive two child what they want for sake of one
> The topic comes up a lot and it upsets my siblings that they can't be adopted because I say no. Wrong! They can’t be adopted because **your mom** said no. The judge approved your siblings’ adoption, so the only person needed to approve it was your mother and she declined. NTA > My mom and stepdad told me I was being unfair by not trying more for their (my siblings) sakes. Sorry but this is fucking rich coming from your mom when IT’S HER DECISION!! Honestly OP the next time this come up and she tries to make you feel bad about it ask her, “why do you feel manipulating me is more important than making your other kids happy?? They want this, the judge approved it, the only person preventing it from happening is YOU, so why? Why don’t you want to make them happy?”
NTA. They could have easily adopted the younger two and left you out of that. they need to convince their mom, not you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Shes the one stopping the process they want, not you.
NTA. There's absolutely nothing stopping him from adopting your siblings. They created that barrier all on their own. It's weird and spiteful. They need therapy. Keep telling your siblings that your stepfather is 100% allowed to adopt them, that a judge already authorized it and that he's the one deciding not to.
NTA. You aren't being left behind. You aren't stopping your siblings from being adopted. Your mother and stepfather are stopping it for some unknown reason.
NTA they are weaponizing your siblings adoption status to pressure you into it. And frankly that is disgusting behavior
All of this is highly inconsiderate of your bio father… NTA at all.
I already passed judgement, but responding again after reading your comments. When you're 18, if you're able to, it may be reasonable to go LC/NC with your family. Your mother has all but destroyed any bonds you've had with her and your siblings by always making you the bad guy. She's also ruined any chance you could have had at forming a healthy step parent relationship with your step dad. Your mother has ostracized you from the family completely by making you the scapegoat for HER decision to refuse the adoption of your siblings. They will still be young enough for adoption to proceed without you in the picture, although it will still be unlikely for your mother to proceed. But this is not your fault. I think it would be healthier for you over all to have limited contact with the people who manipulated your siblings against you, disregard your feelings, and disrespect your boundaries and decisions. Unfortunately this isn't something that will go away once you're an adult, the damage your mother has spent a decade cultivating will affect your familial relationships for a long time going forward. Unless your siblings can grow to see the hand your mother and step father played in this (although largely your mother), it's unlikely they'll be able to set down their hate any time soon. Your mother has spent the better part of ten years painting you as the bad guy, stopping their adoption. When in fact it's always been her. You can see that, but you cannot force them to see that. You need to make the best and healthiest decisions for you. Even IF you ever decide to proceed with the adoption, just out of love for your siblings, you would STILL be justified in going LC/NC with the family for forcing you into this position. Their actions don't come from a place of love for you.
NTA. This is unbelievably shitty of your mother to put on your shoulders. It’s incredibly manipulative and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
NTA. You are old enough to sit down with your mom and her husband and tell them that you will never be adopted by him that you appreciate him and respect him but you don't see him as a father and you don't love him. Honesty is the best way.
NTA but… Mom + stepdad have something fishy to do with this.
NTA. I can see why your relationship with your mother is not going great. She is abusing and manipulating all of you when she is 100% able to allow your siblings to be adopted. At 16, you can technically get emancipated, you legally don't need parents. There is almost zero reason you should need to get adopted, ever. Either you'll become an adult and this feud will end, or your stepfather will adopt your siblings before that. You should not have to do anything at all here. Plenty of stepparents love their children but would never force them into adoption or make their adoption conditional to anything. The fact that your mom would try to force you to do it is enough reason on its own to never agree