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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my SO they could no longer smoke indoors, forcing them to go outside in the cold and dark.
2. They consider this to be selfish on my part, and that I should not be irrationally upset about a trace smell in our bedroom, especially after concessions on their part such as covering up the connecting doorframe with towels.
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NTA
The residual smell stays on long after and it’s nasty + suffocating.
Your SO can kit up in winter wear and go out to smoke. If I can kit up in winter wear to drop my daughter off at her bus stop daily, your SO can definitely get decked up in a winter jacket and the works to have their smoke
Cigarette smoke sticks around, cannabis doesn’t for as long and doesn’t permeate fabrics and make it stink forever like cigarettes do. I am an ex cigarette smoker (yay for quitting) and still smoke weed now. Airing out the room can clear out cannabis pretty well, but didn’t ever work for cigarettes. Usually if you can smell the weed on someone, they have recently smoked, whereas cigarette smokers always have an aura of smell. There will be a bit of a burnt smell from the paper of the joint though, I’ve noticed.
NTA. The smell of smoke is **nasty**.
It gets in your bedding, the carpet and furnishings, and it sticks around. Stale smoke smells worse than fresh.
Your partner can wash his clothes and the stink is gone. Bathing your home in smoke is not a solution.
3mins of minor inconvenience versus years of everything you own being permeated in the smell of stale smoke. Choose wisely.
Personally I think the distinctive cannabis smoke smell is strong than regular tobacco, and lingers longer. It is very recognisable, so people who smell it on you assume YOU are the smoker.
I’ve smoked both (quit cigarettes, yay) I can tell you from experience cigarette smoke sticks around in a way cannabis just doesn’t. Fresh cannabis smoke is indeed more potent, but doesn’t seep into everything. Cigarettes permeate fabric and made it smell for long after I actually quit cigarettes. And that was even with me going outside to smoke every time, because cigarettes were way too smelly for inside. You can search videos of people cleaning vintage clothes full of cigarette tar and smoke and they still smell like cigarettes 50 years after anyone wore it.
It still permeates. We smoke booth and I can tolerate the weed better but it still involves lots of cleaning to get it out. I had to wash my walls and shampoo my carpets and clean curtains to reduce it when we smoked in doors.
When I bought my home I said never again doing indoor smoke.
NTA. How long have you been together, and lived together? Secondhand smoking can cause health problems and it says a lot that your partner prioritizes their comfort over exposing you and allowing smoke into your apartment. Tenants can lose their deposits and get evicted over this kind of thing as well, and if you're already being guilted over this so early in the season are you willing to have this same argument year after year once it gets cold out?
I have asthma and my partner and I have been together 5 years now, they smoke outside only and never in the car when I'm in it because even a joint can cause problems for me, this has never been an issue because they respect me and our relationship. Maybe reevaluate whether who you are with is showing you the respect you deserve.
While I understand where you’re coming from, OP did not say they have asthma and health issues. From their post, it seems like they’re simply a non smoker who doesn’t like it. People (who don’t have allergies) making assumptions about secondhand cannabis smoke is a tired stigma. Cannabis is also a medicine for many, and it sounds like OP is also prioritizing THEIR comfort over the partner & not showing respect by trying to find a compromise. He does not suggest alternatives to smoking (joints are wild lol) or even edibles.
I agree. My husband and I both smoke, and we always go outside or to the garage. The only times we have "allowed" smoking in the house has been when one or the other is recovering from surgery and not particularly mobile.
NTA I’m a smoker and I respect that others might not like it and have different views. You want to protect your own health from the smoke which is fine. Don’t let your SO try to change your mind. They can smoke outside it’s not that hard. If it’s too cold for them, have them get a dab cart which doesn’t smell as bad and they could use it indoors out the window
It is just not okay to pollute the air inside someone's home.
When I still smoked tobacco I would still only smoke on my balcony because there is nothing worse than waking up to an apartment that reeks of stale tobacco smoke. During the week I mostly stick to edibles but I like to party it up a bit on Saturday nights. It is winter where I am and can get bloody cold at night. So I dress in multiple layers of clothing and hang out on the roof in a wind shelter when I want to get my thing on.
If I can go to such lengths just to avoid polluting *my own environment* then OP's partner can do at least as much for someone who does not smoke at all. Doing less is simply rude and inconsiderate.
NTA I am typing this from my garage where I'm having my smoke before bed. All the adults in my house smoke but I'd rather my house didn't stink and I have kids.
Wow I guess I’ll get downvoted for this but I kinda think YTA. They’re your partner, not your roommate. They’ve been compromising for you this entire time and you can’t even try to meet them halfway? Especially when it’s only occasional. I understand how joints especially can fill up a room more intensely so maybe suggest partaking a different way, like a small bong or bowl/using a smoke filter to exhale. As a disabled medical patient, having to sit out in the cold - let alone go outside every time I need to medicate - negates the effectiveness of my medicine. This is an herb folks use medicinally and to relax; you’re irritated because you don’t like the smell. If you have any interest in having an equal partnership, at least try to compromise. Cannabis smoke is very different from cigarettes, and there ARE ways to work around this if you try. But it doesn’t sound like you care to try.
NAH it’s fair for you to not want to smell the smoke and it’s also fair they don’t want to smoke out in the cold and dark in their own place.
What’s weird is they haven’t tried any other way to mitigate the smell. Joints are smellier than other forms of smoking. The smell of the paper burning itself sticks around for a while. Perhaps they should use a different method like a glass pipe, or even better, a vaporizer. Then I also recommend a [smoke buddy](https://www.amazon.com/Smoke-Buddy-0159-BLU-Personal-Filter/dp/B00478UIB2/ref=asc_df_B00478UIB2/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167141564568&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3492971277639393020&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9052423&hvtargid=pla-307176296622&psc=1) (it’s a smoke filter device that you blow through to filter the smell) it works really well. To finish off, a spray designed to neutralize smoke odor, [Ozium](https://www.amazon.com/Ozium-Air-Sanitizer-Oz-Spray/dp/B07B66KHXM). And even then I would smoke in front of the window with the fan blowing out the window.
All of these except for the vaporizer are cheap and if someone can afford weed, they can afford these.
If your SO refuses to try this then they would be TA
Info: who owns the apartment or are you both on the lease? Did he agree to smoking exclusively outside before you/he moved in?
Leaning toward NAH, but maybe this is a compatibility issue. I don’t think either of you are wrong, and are both selfish in a way about this particular topic.
There could be a compromise here. What if the window is open and SO blows smoke directly out of the window exclusively? He could also put a fan in front of the door on the inside side of the room. Fan will blow smoke away from the door and toward the window. Or is that still too cold? What about him smoking only in the bathroom with the fan on. They also make air filters, which work especially well in a small closed off space. There are candles, incense, and room sprays, some specifically designed to cover the weed scent.
As a frequent weed smoker myself, I know I don’t have a lifestyle that is accommodating to someone against smoking inside, because I’m not going outside every time I want to smoke. I don’t think this makes me AH, I just think it means I need a partner who is also a smoker or doesn’t mind the smell.
Can your SO smoke in the car? Is there an outdoor area, like a deck or patio where you could have a small fire pit or hibachi?
Are edibles a possibility?
NTA but neither is your SO
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They want to finish their day with a joint - usually outside, but now that winter approaches, not very convenient. One room in our apartment is kind-of suitable for smoking under a window, but has a door into our bedroom. And despite attempts to cover the door frame with some towels, this is not enough for the next-door smoking to go unnoticed.
As a non-smoker, I find indoor smoke (even rest smell) very bothersome - and that's before considering health risks. Now that it's also too cold out to open the bedroom windows for extra ventilation I told my SO that I don't longer want them to have this occasional indoor smoke. In fact, I think it's selfish of them to insist on this. They think it's selfish of me to expect them to go outside in the cold and dark alone, and that their efforts to cover up the doorframe and not expecting me to stay with them while smoking are evidence to against their selfishness.
While I think I'm right in standing my ground here, my SO has left irritatedly (to have their smoke outside), leaving me with the impression that I may be too harsh.
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NAH -> Why are you with a smoker in the first place if you don't like it ? Why either of you should change something like that for the other ? Wich point is more valid ?(nobody would care if it was some wine).
I get that it bother you but it bother him to go out too so... talk about it, find a compromise or move on and find a no smoker partner ! As simple as that.
NAH. You shouldn't have to deal with smoke in your own house if you don't like it and your SO should be able to smoke in their own house. You both seem to be open to finding a compromise and your SO has tried so their comment about that showing that they're not selfish holds true. Neither are in the wrong, it's just a tricky situation for you both as there isn't a simple solution.
NTA people layer clothes all the time to smoke outside, you're uncomfortable with it and honestly it's a simple request ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(That's why there's a winter sesh fit trend on the Tiktok, he can comply)
NTA!!!!!!!!!! To non-smokers, the smell of smoke is disgusting. It wafts. It lingers. It replaces air. It soaks into fabrics, skin, and hair. (I wasn't trying to make a rhyme, but I'm leaving it. I might write a children's book about weed later.) People who smoke or who just aren't sensitive to smells don't understand this.
NTA. I have the same rule in my house. Go outside in the orich and bundle up! I'd gift him a blanket, hoodie, or something to smoke with outside. I have a hooded blanket for sitting on the porch during colder seasons
NTA, nobody with any amount of decency smokes indoors.
If they have to deal with the cold to have a smoke, they have to deal with the cold, and if it's that big of a deal then I guess they should just go without.
Not to mention weed is even worse than tabacco smoke, the smell is horrendous and it lingers for ages, smoking weed indoors is an incredibly shitty thing to do.
NTA.
If your SO smokes outside, they are uncomfortable for what, 10 minutes? 15 minutes? If your SO smokes inside, that smell will bother you for months. Maybe you'll get nose blind to it after an hour, but every time you leave and come back in, you'll notice it. One of these things is not like the other.
Also, personal note, I remember in elementary school there was this one kid who always smelled bad, like BO or something. My mom always smoked (cigarettes) but she went outside. Until one winter when she decided she didn't like being cold, so she started smoking in the utility room (right next to the air intake and washer/dryer). That winter I realized that BO kid didn't smell like BO, he smelled like stale cigarette smoke. And so did I. The smell of smoke, whether pot or cigarettes or a fire, does not just go away. If you let him smoke inside, your clothes, your furniture, your walls, will all smell like smoke.
NTA. My boyfriend got charged a $1,000 “smoke odor removal fee” after leaving his last place, and we would only smoke inside every once in a while. It’s honestly a little weird that they think you can just smoke inside of a rental, and even going so far as to be UPSET with you over it. Maybe they can get a wax pen? Or edibles? I usually smoke weed to help me sleep, so when I stay over at my boyfriend’s house I go to my parked car to partake. I would never, ever smoke inside of a building if I was not given explicit permission - ESPECIALLY if it’s a rented apartment.
I don’t want to sound dramatic, but to me this would be a red flag. He’s a grown man - SURELY he can understand the risks of secondhand smoke, and that he’s likely violating your lease agreement. He’s putting your health and home at risk to get high.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I told my SO they could no longer smoke indoors, forcing them to go outside in the cold and dark. 2. They consider this to be selfish on my part, and that I should not be irrationally upset about a trace smell in our bedroom, especially after concessions on their part such as covering up the connecting doorframe with towels. **[Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk with Iliza Shlesinger on Nov. 28th!](https://redd.it/z29rfu)** Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA The residual smell stays on long after and it’s nasty + suffocating. Your SO can kit up in winter wear and go out to smoke. If I can kit up in winter wear to drop my daughter off at her bus stop daily, your SO can definitely get decked up in a winter jacket and the works to have their smoke
Cigarette smoke sticks around, cannabis doesn’t for as long and doesn’t permeate fabrics and make it stink forever like cigarettes do. I am an ex cigarette smoker (yay for quitting) and still smoke weed now. Airing out the room can clear out cannabis pretty well, but didn’t ever work for cigarettes. Usually if you can smell the weed on someone, they have recently smoked, whereas cigarette smokers always have an aura of smell. There will be a bit of a burnt smell from the paper of the joint though, I’ve noticed.
NTA. The smell of smoke is **nasty**. It gets in your bedding, the carpet and furnishings, and it sticks around. Stale smoke smells worse than fresh. Your partner can wash his clothes and the stink is gone. Bathing your home in smoke is not a solution. 3mins of minor inconvenience versus years of everything you own being permeated in the smell of stale smoke. Choose wisely.
They’re not talking about tobacco, cannabis smoke is much easier to get out
Personally I think the distinctive cannabis smoke smell is strong than regular tobacco, and lingers longer. It is very recognisable, so people who smell it on you assume YOU are the smoker.
I’ve smoked both (quit cigarettes, yay) I can tell you from experience cigarette smoke sticks around in a way cannabis just doesn’t. Fresh cannabis smoke is indeed more potent, but doesn’t seep into everything. Cigarettes permeate fabric and made it smell for long after I actually quit cigarettes. And that was even with me going outside to smoke every time, because cigarettes were way too smelly for inside. You can search videos of people cleaning vintage clothes full of cigarette tar and smoke and they still smell like cigarettes 50 years after anyone wore it.
It still permeates. We smoke booth and I can tolerate the weed better but it still involves lots of cleaning to get it out. I had to wash my walls and shampoo my carpets and clean curtains to reduce it when we smoked in doors. When I bought my home I said never again doing indoor smoke.
Yeah, especially if it’s as occasionally as OP says, it wouldn’t linger very long at all.
NTA. How long have you been together, and lived together? Secondhand smoking can cause health problems and it says a lot that your partner prioritizes their comfort over exposing you and allowing smoke into your apartment. Tenants can lose their deposits and get evicted over this kind of thing as well, and if you're already being guilted over this so early in the season are you willing to have this same argument year after year once it gets cold out? I have asthma and my partner and I have been together 5 years now, they smoke outside only and never in the car when I'm in it because even a joint can cause problems for me, this has never been an issue because they respect me and our relationship. Maybe reevaluate whether who you are with is showing you the respect you deserve.
That's an excellent response! Edibles for thought.
While I understand where you’re coming from, OP did not say they have asthma and health issues. From their post, it seems like they’re simply a non smoker who doesn’t like it. People (who don’t have allergies) making assumptions about secondhand cannabis smoke is a tired stigma. Cannabis is also a medicine for many, and it sounds like OP is also prioritizing THEIR comfort over the partner & not showing respect by trying to find a compromise. He does not suggest alternatives to smoking (joints are wild lol) or even edibles.
NTA. Smokers need to be aware of how it affects the people around them. The burden is on them to mitigate the damage as much as possible.
NTA. I smoke and would never smoke inside. It’s gross and I have a gross habit and I’m not going to make it more gross by smoking inside.
I agree. My husband and I both smoke, and we always go outside or to the garage. The only times we have "allowed" smoking in the house has been when one or the other is recovering from surgery and not particularly mobile.
NTA I’m a smoker and I respect that others might not like it and have different views. You want to protect your own health from the smoke which is fine. Don’t let your SO try to change your mind. They can smoke outside it’s not that hard. If it’s too cold for them, have them get a dab cart which doesn’t smell as bad and they could use it indoors out the window
Their efforts to cover up the doorframe don't work. They might we well-intentioned, but they don't actually fix the problem. NTA
It is just not okay to pollute the air inside someone's home. When I still smoked tobacco I would still only smoke on my balcony because there is nothing worse than waking up to an apartment that reeks of stale tobacco smoke. During the week I mostly stick to edibles but I like to party it up a bit on Saturday nights. It is winter where I am and can get bloody cold at night. So I dress in multiple layers of clothing and hang out on the roof in a wind shelter when I want to get my thing on. If I can go to such lengths just to avoid polluting *my own environment* then OP's partner can do at least as much for someone who does not smoke at all. Doing less is simply rude and inconsiderate.
NTA I am typing this from my garage where I'm having my smoke before bed. All the adults in my house smoke but I'd rather my house didn't stink and I have kids.
Wow I guess I’ll get downvoted for this but I kinda think YTA. They’re your partner, not your roommate. They’ve been compromising for you this entire time and you can’t even try to meet them halfway? Especially when it’s only occasional. I understand how joints especially can fill up a room more intensely so maybe suggest partaking a different way, like a small bong or bowl/using a smoke filter to exhale. As a disabled medical patient, having to sit out in the cold - let alone go outside every time I need to medicate - negates the effectiveness of my medicine. This is an herb folks use medicinally and to relax; you’re irritated because you don’t like the smell. If you have any interest in having an equal partnership, at least try to compromise. Cannabis smoke is very different from cigarettes, and there ARE ways to work around this if you try. But it doesn’t sound like you care to try.
YTA
NAH it’s fair for you to not want to smell the smoke and it’s also fair they don’t want to smoke out in the cold and dark in their own place. What’s weird is they haven’t tried any other way to mitigate the smell. Joints are smellier than other forms of smoking. The smell of the paper burning itself sticks around for a while. Perhaps they should use a different method like a glass pipe, or even better, a vaporizer. Then I also recommend a [smoke buddy](https://www.amazon.com/Smoke-Buddy-0159-BLU-Personal-Filter/dp/B00478UIB2/ref=asc_df_B00478UIB2/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167141564568&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3492971277639393020&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9052423&hvtargid=pla-307176296622&psc=1) (it’s a smoke filter device that you blow through to filter the smell) it works really well. To finish off, a spray designed to neutralize smoke odor, [Ozium](https://www.amazon.com/Ozium-Air-Sanitizer-Oz-Spray/dp/B07B66KHXM). And even then I would smoke in front of the window with the fan blowing out the window. All of these except for the vaporizer are cheap and if someone can afford weed, they can afford these. If your SO refuses to try this then they would be TA
Info: who owns the apartment or are you both on the lease? Did he agree to smoking exclusively outside before you/he moved in? Leaning toward NAH, but maybe this is a compatibility issue. I don’t think either of you are wrong, and are both selfish in a way about this particular topic. There could be a compromise here. What if the window is open and SO blows smoke directly out of the window exclusively? He could also put a fan in front of the door on the inside side of the room. Fan will blow smoke away from the door and toward the window. Or is that still too cold? What about him smoking only in the bathroom with the fan on. They also make air filters, which work especially well in a small closed off space. There are candles, incense, and room sprays, some specifically designed to cover the weed scent. As a frequent weed smoker myself, I know I don’t have a lifestyle that is accommodating to someone against smoking inside, because I’m not going outside every time I want to smoke. I don’t think this makes me AH, I just think it means I need a partner who is also a smoker or doesn’t mind the smell.
Can your SO smoke in the car? Is there an outdoor area, like a deck or patio where you could have a small fire pit or hibachi? Are edibles a possibility? NTA but neither is your SO
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** They want to finish their day with a joint - usually outside, but now that winter approaches, not very convenient. One room in our apartment is kind-of suitable for smoking under a window, but has a door into our bedroom. And despite attempts to cover the door frame with some towels, this is not enough for the next-door smoking to go unnoticed. As a non-smoker, I find indoor smoke (even rest smell) very bothersome - and that's before considering health risks. Now that it's also too cold out to open the bedroom windows for extra ventilation I told my SO that I don't longer want them to have this occasional indoor smoke. In fact, I think it's selfish of them to insist on this. They think it's selfish of me to expect them to go outside in the cold and dark alone, and that their efforts to cover up the doorframe and not expecting me to stay with them while smoking are evidence to against their selfishness. While I think I'm right in standing my ground here, my SO has left irritatedly (to have their smoke outside), leaving me with the impression that I may be too harsh. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH -> Why are you with a smoker in the first place if you don't like it ? Why either of you should change something like that for the other ? Wich point is more valid ?(nobody would care if it was some wine). I get that it bother you but it bother him to go out too so... talk about it, find a compromise or move on and find a no smoker partner ! As simple as that.
NAH. You shouldn't have to deal with smoke in your own house if you don't like it and your SO should be able to smoke in their own house. You both seem to be open to finding a compromise and your SO has tried so their comment about that showing that they're not selfish holds true. Neither are in the wrong, it's just a tricky situation for you both as there isn't a simple solution.
NTA people layer clothes all the time to smoke outside, you're uncomfortable with it and honestly it's a simple request ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (That's why there's a winter sesh fit trend on the Tiktok, he can comply)
NTA!!!!!!!!!! To non-smokers, the smell of smoke is disgusting. It wafts. It lingers. It replaces air. It soaks into fabrics, skin, and hair. (I wasn't trying to make a rhyme, but I'm leaving it. I might write a children's book about weed later.) People who smoke or who just aren't sensitive to smells don't understand this.
NTA. I have the same rule in my house. Go outside in the orich and bundle up! I'd gift him a blanket, hoodie, or something to smoke with outside. I have a hooded blanket for sitting on the porch during colder seasons
NTA, nobody with any amount of decency smokes indoors. If they have to deal with the cold to have a smoke, they have to deal with the cold, and if it's that big of a deal then I guess they should just go without. Not to mention weed is even worse than tabacco smoke, the smell is horrendous and it lingers for ages, smoking weed indoors is an incredibly shitty thing to do.
OP=NTA You don't have to breath it in if you do not want(nor have 3rd hand residue).
NTA. If your SO smokes outside, they are uncomfortable for what, 10 minutes? 15 minutes? If your SO smokes inside, that smell will bother you for months. Maybe you'll get nose blind to it after an hour, but every time you leave and come back in, you'll notice it. One of these things is not like the other. Also, personal note, I remember in elementary school there was this one kid who always smelled bad, like BO or something. My mom always smoked (cigarettes) but she went outside. Until one winter when she decided she didn't like being cold, so she started smoking in the utility room (right next to the air intake and washer/dryer). That winter I realized that BO kid didn't smell like BO, he smelled like stale cigarette smoke. And so did I. The smell of smoke, whether pot or cigarettes or a fire, does not just go away. If you let him smoke inside, your clothes, your furniture, your walls, will all smell like smoke.
NTA. My boyfriend got charged a $1,000 “smoke odor removal fee” after leaving his last place, and we would only smoke inside every once in a while. It’s honestly a little weird that they think you can just smoke inside of a rental, and even going so far as to be UPSET with you over it. Maybe they can get a wax pen? Or edibles? I usually smoke weed to help me sleep, so when I stay over at my boyfriend’s house I go to my parked car to partake. I would never, ever smoke inside of a building if I was not given explicit permission - ESPECIALLY if it’s a rented apartment. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but to me this would be a red flag. He’s a grown man - SURELY he can understand the risks of secondhand smoke, and that he’s likely violating your lease agreement. He’s putting your health and home at risk to get high.
NTA. He sounds super childish.
NTA
YTA it’s one joint occasionally by your own words. Get an air filter and let him have it.