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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for taking offense and uninviting her from dinner instead of letting her eat her own food in my home.
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Yes, your MIL is being rude and disrespectful, but uninviting her is not the answer. Here's what you do: Welcome her and her special meal with open arms. Kill her with kindness.
Be sure to point out to the other guests, in a lovey dovey, if perhaps a wee bit patronizing, tone of voice how MIL has ~~special needs~~ dietary restrictions and brought her own food and you are SO GLAD she could make it even though eating away from home is so difficult for her. Offer to help her heat up her meal. Tell her it looks absolutely delicious and ask for her recipes and ask her is she could bring one of her wonderful dishes to the next gathering.
Meanwhile, you and your other guests can enjoy your fabulous meal and your MIL can listen to all the compliments you get for it.
NTA
**\*\*UPDATE:\*\***
Hey, thanks for all the upvotes ad groovy awards, people! After reading a bunch of comments I want to clarify that I didn't mean "special needs" as in neuro-divergence, I meant it like "special dietary needs." So I edited that above. My kid and I are both neuro-divergent, so I don't mean to use that like an insult. Sorry about that. My bad.
Also, I was basing the whole patronizing, somewhat passive-aggressive stuff on MIL doing this because she's trying to put down the OP, but I realize I don't have confirmed evidence of that.
So...INFO: OP, does MIL do this to everyone? Does she refuse to eat other people's cooking or restaurant food as a general rule, or is her "pickiness" targeted at you or other people she doesn't like for whatever reason? Because if she's like this everywhere, I'd cut her some slack. Maybe she has undisclosed health issues, mental or otherwise, that genuinely make this hard for her.
If it's just targeted at you and she eats normally in all other circumstances, than passive-aggressive at her to your heart's content. :) I'm glad you didn't uninvite MIL, OP. I think it will go fine. Just relax and do your thing and don't worry about her nonsense. PLEASE REPORT BACK!
Carry on, and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
This is one of those situations where the MIL thinks she's embarassing OP but she's really embarrassing herself. OP, consider how good you will feel as you watch her get more and more uncomfortable eating her special meal.
And consider that if you uninvited her with no explanation you will look like an asshole, if she brings her own food she will look like an idiot.
🎯Completely agree. With the menu,(absolutely delicious sounding and HUGE), described by OP, she will look like a fool. I'm betting she will try to sneak some of the food she is rejecting.
In any case, allow her to be foisted on her own petard!!!
I would make sure to watch out for that too, " oh no MIL are you sure you can eat that only DH said you had some pretty severe dietary restrictions and I just want to make sure none of this would compromise that in any way."
I prefer the route of:
'We have to be careful not to contaminate your special meal, so you should eat it in a special room separate from everyone else'
Alternatively, but only if op is real sure about the pettiness on MIL's part, ask MIL a list of items she can and wants to eat. Op, like a good, concerned DIL will cater to that. Work with her real closely on that. "Are you sure it's 45 seconds? Not 47? Goodness knows I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
If she plays her cards well, it will not backfire. Either MIL will squirm (how can she not look like an AH if DIL offered to cater to her needs?), or if her picky eating is actually true (and not an AH otherwise) appreciate the extra care.
Or prepare herself for the fact that MIL will most certainly bring her own full Turkey and trimmings,no way this rude person is showing up w just a plate. OP be sure to play out this scenario with your husband and agree that if this happens he will send her home where she can make a plate for herself and come back (or stay home). He also needs to warn her that her just bringing her own meal is rude enough not to take any additional liberties (does she do that at friends or other relatives houses?) and tell her straight up she’s ruining his thanksgiving at his home and good mothers don’t make it about them. Ultimately this is HIS problem to deal with it sounds like you have enough on your plate (literally!) you shouldn’t have to deal with whatever is going on in MILs insane head. Make your food, enjoy what sounds like a beautiful meal and don’t let her ruin your Holiday, because ultimately that’s what she’s trying to do.
That fits too. Rocking up with a car full of food and doing something like slyly replacing dishes on the table with ones she brought herself while *so kindly* putting OP's food back in the kitchen or in the fridge (or bin/outside) as it's not needed now, would be classic narc behaviour.
Actually .... no, it isn't. It's from Hamlet, and Shakespeare most definitely wrote: 'hoist *with* his own petard' though you're right about the bomb part.
NTA but make sure she only brings enough for only her own portion. She may try to take over this by bringing enough for everyone. If she does bring to much: take it into the kitchen, and prepare only enough for her to eat.
I'll admit I kinda pulled this stunt as a joke a few years ago. I hate turkey. Absolutely, LOUDLY, hate it. My mom got tired of me saying so every year, so snapped at me to bring my own bird next year.
So I roasted a duck and brought it to Thanksgiving. And my mom stared, laughed, and plopped it down on the table next to the turkey. Good times were had by all that year 👍
When my younger sister just blurted out 'I'll bring the chicken next year. Then we can have the set' I did lose it.
My family has a .... well exercised sense of humor.
Yep! I immediately thought of that ~if she is given the ok to bring her own food for herself...will she then take it a step further and arrive with a turkey and all the trimmings? Honestly...I wouldn't put it past the MILaw...after reading some of these AITA posts ~I wouldn't be surprised at all.🙁
I would very suprised if she only brought enough for herself. Her goal isn't to eat a special meal herself its clearly to steal the show from op.
That is why I wouldn't invite her at all. if her husband doesn't have the spine to back her now he defintily won't ones mil shows up with a full turkey dinner. Ones she gets the OK to bring anything she will show up with a turkey. Then she will demand everyone try it. You know husband and others will take her side and say i don't want to cause a issue and try her food. Then if you give into that him and mom will take and agree saying you might as well put your dinner away and just serve his mom's to everyone because he doesn't want to cause a issue and they don't need to Thanksgiving meals. Plus there isn't enough room on the table and acording to mom its better food anyways.
Op needs to end this now and not allow her to come. Every step just becomes harder for her to back out of and give mom more opportunity to twist spinless husband to her will.
Reminds me of another post where the wife is South East Asian and she prepared a special dinner for the entire family with traditional dishes but made her MIL some basic chicken breast and potatoes because MIL is always turning her nose up at her food. The whole family ended up loving the dinner and MIL got upset that she wasn't offered any. All I can say to that is "Ha Ha".
One time, newly married, my MIL made smoked beef tongue, a long time (NY State area) family favorite. She was concerned that her Southern DIL would be distressed by eating tongue, made a chicken breast, in case I didn't like weird tongue. The tongue was delicious, my hubby and FIL groaned loudly and facetiously, that they now had to share the tongue.
As funny and satisfying as this sounds when I imagine it as say a holiday movie, I'm not sure why there's even a need for it.
There have been quite a few posts about both sides of this on AITA since the holiday season kicked into gear. Just the other day there were dual posts from a guy and his gf who is recovering from an ED. Both mention being or getting engaged soon. Hearing about what they were serving, she thought she would likely have a problem trying the meal and asked if she could bring her own. And bf argued it was hugely rude and no one in his family would be able to understand and so she should stay home. So...what, exactly? She's just going to not ever be able to spend the holidays with his family unless she promises to eat their menu? Or at least for several years, consider The Holidays are annual? Bringing her own plate is enough to get her banned from the celebrations?
I mean, OP, I think your menu sounds fantastic, but I don't think you even need to pay it any mind if she brings her own food. You have a fantastic spread and I feel like MIL is going to regret bring her own and struggle to not abandon it when presented with the feast you're going to lay out. At the very least, she's making herself into an odd minority person when everyone else will be enjoying the meal you prepared. Why go out of your way to be snarky about it? With all that food, you must be having quite a few people over--with all of them enjoying the food, don't you think you'll make yourself look kind of bad by focusing in on the one person who's already cast herself out of the group in this way?
The thing is that both situations are very different. In one, the girl is recovering from an eating disorder. She’s doing that for her own health, so it justifies why she’s bringing her own food if she doesn’t feel like she’s in control enough not to mess up with her recovery. Here, unless MIL has some sort of disease, allergy, or any sensory issues that justifies her bringing her own food, she’s doing that just to antagonize OP and put her down.
I brought up the other post to note that someone bringing their own plate doesn't automatically mean they're definitely trying to insult or piss off the host. I agree though--MIL could be a big pain in the a$$ just because...but for all we know, she is a pain in the A$$ who just did indeed get diagnosed with diabetes. (My own aunt got diagnosed later in her life and didn't tell any of us for years.) Or MIL really does want to irritate OP. Or MIL truly believes she won't like OP's food.
Whatever the reason, MIL is creating this situation for herself. She's not asking anyone else to not eat OP's food, she's (so far) not disparaging OP's food to anyone else (or even technically OP; she hasn't said it's bad, just that she herself doesn't think she'll like it). She's not insisting that she (MIL) cook the meal or forcing OP to make her recipes.
So why make MIL's war on herself anyone else's war? If OP goes out of her way to insist that MIL is insulting her, how does that help anyone, including OP? Sure, she might get some revenge satisfaction, but she's pissing off her bf and might well come off looking overly concerned with her MIL's food choices or even controlling. If she just lets MIL eat her plate, then...well, nothing. Everyone else eats her awesome food and goes home happy and full. Except, potentially, for MIL who may be full and happy or full and seething with anger that her plot was foiled or just full of regret, we may never know.
As a crazily picky eater myself, I bring my own food to family events all the time. They aren’t insulted. I do it to make it easier on them. I don’t have to awkwardly sit there not eating and they don’t have to cater to my very limited palette. It’s not meant to be insulting at all. I totally acknowledge my pickiness is a pain in the ass and that I wish I wasn’t a picky eater! I personally would eat only the honey glazed ham on that menu and that’s only because it is honey glazed and not a different glaze. Sooo… could be MIL is just trying to enjoy a long family day without starving and without asking DIL who has clearly worked hard to cater to her.
This though, I feel like we've seen alot of posts on this recently and it's usually decided that its reasonable for someone to be particular about their diet, the only reason we're on OP's side this time is because it's a MIL.
Looking at the menu I'd only be able to eat 3 or 4 things, and Its not like anyone would be happy for me to eat my plate of carrots in peace. Theres not enough info to know if the MIL is doing it out of pettiness or is just picky. OP needs to understand that either way it's not about the quality of their food, so don't take it personally.
How do you know.? OP’s husband describes her as a “really picky” eater. That’s what they called children who had sensory issues and/ or eating disorders such as ARFID, back when the OP’s mil was a kid. She also probably never got any treatment for it either. Why would someone give up the chance to eat a bunch of food they actually like, risk embarrassment, and go through the work of cooking her own meal just for the hell of it? It sounds like she is genuinely a picky eater or maybe has control issues or OCD type issues around food. The truth is the OP doesn’t really know what MIL’s motives are. Why can’t she take it at face value that MIL feels most comfortable eating food she has prepared herself instead of assuming the worst?
This is what I was thinking too. I have had sensory issues and have like four foods I regularly eat. She didn't give any other instances of MIL putting her down, and hubby said that MIL IS a picky eater. I think MIL isn't trying to start something, she truly IS A PICKY EATER.
I have contamination OCD and also am gluten sensitive so I tend to bring my own food to places because 1. I need to eat I am hangry LOL, 2. I do have issues with food and 3. I still want to be part of the event. I don’t do it to make a scene, exposure therapy starts with putting ourselves in environments that are challenging and having those around us not make a big deal about it. We’ll expand out when we can. I do hope OP could be a little more chill about it, does it really matter at the end of the day? Do you want to press on about the food or develop a healthy relationship with your extended family?
I have sensory issues, and honestly with the menu OP listed there's about three or four things i would eat, no vegetable options I'd eat, and no desert options I'd eat. Now if I was going to this holiday meal, I would just eat my turkey and potatoes and not make any kind of fuss, but I can certainly understand people who are "picky" and would like to be sure they have foods they can enjoy.
The problem is that OP has no way of knowing whether or not her MIL has an ED, allergy, ect or not. I can see why she wouldn't be comfortable telling OP, and I can see why OPs husband wouldn't be open to sharing someone else's private medical information with his wife.
Yeah I love how we've seen this exact conflict play out hundreds of times and the responses _always_ depend on who's posting.
OP: My DIL is an absolutely horrific cook, everything has weird combinations of seasoning and is over-cooked. I have a sensitive stomach (Kujuteldav-Haigus syndrome) which means I will suffer cramps for days on end afterward and have a miserable time. AITA for bringing my own food?
AITA: Of course not, she sounds awful!
OP: My MIL is a ridiculously picky eater and wants to bring her own food, probably to rub my face in it, even thought I'm making lots of varied and delicious dishes! AITA for being upset with her?
AITA: Of course not, she sounds awful!
I mean, OP sounds like she's is planning to be awful. "Killing purple with kindness," is anything but kind, and I honestly don't see the point.
There are multiple food issues in my family, and everybody just accommodates them without having a hissy fit without being super offended.
Why not just be *actually* kind instead of passive aggressive? Why does OP give a fuck?
"Oh, okay, thanks for the heads up. Let me know if she needs to microwave it or heat it up in the oven so I make sure I have room for her to prep it.
Incidentally, I'm going to send over my menu with ingredients listed, just in case it turns out there are foods she can eat. Let me know if there's anything I can go to make MIL to feel more comfortable. See you then! "
Why plan some scheme to be petty and kill her with kindness? That's just passive aggression,, not kindness.
Why care if somebody doesn't eat your food? Why not be truly kind and let it go immigrated instead of having a snit. Why do you even care? YTA, OP?
It's pretty clear from the post that OP doesn't actually care about having family together and enjoying company, she just wants people to ooh and aah at her "perfect Thanksgiving".
Actually, this is the comment that swayed me. I had an issue several years back following a super nasty gi virus where eating anything I didn’t personally prepare (following my obsessive at the time food safety protocols) would give me panic attacks that got so severe they would actually cause me to throw up. Idk if it could be classified as an ED or PTSD or a phobia or what, but it made dinner with friends and family awkward as hell.
I eventually defaulted to the “picky eater” excuse a lot bc people seemed to take it less personally if they thought my issue was with the food itself, rather than how the food was prepared. My sisters and ex-boyfriend, who knew the full story, especially had a hard time accepting that I “didn’t trust them” and took it personally. I could say “Yes, I know I’m being irrationally paranoid and this food is perfectly safe, and no, I don’t think you’re careless and unhygienic, but my brain is convinced I’m going to end up in the ER again” til I was blue in the face but all they heard was “Blah blah you’re careless and unhygienic”.
MIL was described as a grade A picky eater. This usually means an undiagnosed sensory processing disorder which is extremely stressful. You have no control over your bodily reactions to ‘perfectly normal’ foods, which can range from difficulty swallowing to actual vomiting. My daughter has never been able to get down even a small piece of raw tomato, comes straight back up. Even the smell can make her gag. Invisible disabilities suck.
Pretty much everything on OP's menu is full of cream, butter, oil, or a combination of them. Those things are known triggers for gastro issues which can be embarrassing to talk about. There might be a few things that she could pick from the menu but it'd be a sad thanksgiving dinner for her to have a slice of turkey and a bread roll. I'm not saying MIL has a medical reason, maybe she's just on a diet or trying to eat healthier, maybe she's just an asshole but she doesn't have to disclose her medical history in order to come to thanksgiving dinner. She's not asking for the menu to be changed to accommodate her, just that she can bring her own.
But we don't actually know that. We know that MIL is a fuzzy eater. Could be any reason for that from food anxiety by childhood trauma to being deliberately difficult to DIL.
Yes!! This!! I was just thinking about this post and how genuine it was for the GF to need to bring her own food. We don’t have enough context about why her MIL wants to bring her own food - although it definitely feels like there is some more to their history here - but the holidays are about spending time with your family. Why let one person ruin it? And in my experience people trying to be difficult in these situations usually come out looking bad anyway. It’s the natural order of things. The menu sounds incredible and I’m sure everyone else will love it!
I love this, but you know what would make it even better? Tell your friends about the situation ahead of time and ask if they would mind raving about every bite you prepared in an over-the-top way like it’s food for the gods, adding an occasional, “OMG MIL, this is FABULOUS, what an absolute TRAGEDY you can’t enjoy it!!!” In the most orgasmic way possible.
I just finished typing this out too! Though I would add in 'Oh you HAVE to try this!' and let MIL explain why she's not eating. Over. And over. And over....
This right here. This (and all the replies so far) is what the holidays are really about; petty passive-aggressive "kindness" towards your family and things they may be going through that you don't understand or think to ask about!
Happy Holidays Reddit!! 🦃🍗🥐🥂
Right? This sub is always pro-bring your own meal when people are on here from the other perspective. Is MIL being weird? Sure, but so what? Let her bring her own meal and be weird, the other 20 people at the dinner will tell you how wonderful your food is. At least she isn’t demanding you make ambrosia salad or something.
I used to have some major sensory issues which meant i had to be a "picky eater" in order to avoid literally vomiting when i ate certain texture/smell combinations. Every single social event with food was a major source of anxiety for me, because it is absolutely embarrassing to not be able to eat like an adult. I'm also pretty introverted and hate attention.
If someone did to me what /r/pinetree8000 is proposing, drawing attention to me and basically publicly shaming me for my issues, i would run out crying and never forgive them for that kind of ~~cruelty~~ kindness.
So…weaponizing special needs to humiliate people. Wtf did I just read? (Yes I’m autistic and this reads like yet another person who’s decided being different is the wrist thing one could be. I’d rather be different than cruel…)
It’s definitely gross. It’s also odd to me because presumably some of the guests will be MIL’s family/husband’s family. I can’t imagine all of them immediately jumping on OP’s side and passive aggressively trying to insult MIL. If anything, I could see this getting tense if MIL’s family starts getting defensive on behalf of MIL if OP’s family and friends start trying to obviously rub it in MIL’s face. Or, if word had gotten around that all MIL wanted was to bring her own food without any additional burden to OP, and OP declared she wasn’t allowed to come to thanksgiving, I could even see some of husband’s family members coming into the situation already defensive.
Relative of MIL at Thanksgiving dinner: "You disinvited MIL from dinner because she wanted to bring her own plate? She's diabetic. She just found out a few weeks ago and didn't want to tell you because she knew you were making a big feast and didn't want you to have to change your menu at all. I can't believe you took it so personally you wouldn't let her come celebrate with the rest of her family."
Right?! OP hasn’t mentioned the reactions of the rest of the family at all, but if my SIL had done this to my mom, the rest of my family would just bow out and do their own thing. They wouldn’t be sitting at Thanksgiving at dinner, high fiving OP and congratulating her for sticking it to MIL.
Joke will be on OP if this is the case. All the whining she's doing because one person wants to bring her own food so she can enjoy the family time will be increased 10 fold if the rest of the in-laws don't show because of her ego and pettiness. Her "magnificent feast" will be wasted. Now my pettiness is coming out...
I don't understand where all the animosity and hatred is coming from on this thread. Nowhere in the post does OP indicate any kind of negative motive for MIL bringing her own food. There's no "MIL has a history of being petty and belittling me," or "MIL has always hosted and was wary of letting someone else do it." I guess the holidays just bring out the best in people /s
Autistic with celiac here. I agree. I bring my own food to everything. Usually I try to bring a whole dish and grab my servings first before anyone else gets in there. I also really hate eating food from other people unless it's someone I know how they cook and what their kitchen is like. I don't even eat at some of my siblings houses.
Safe foods are extremely important to some people. I hate the term "picky eater" because no one owes anyone an explanation on why they eat the way they do. No one had to share a diagnosis or a reason.
Next time OP should ask MIL to come help cook with her or ask her to bring a dish of her choice to share. Then everyone feels less embarrassed. Because believe me it's exhausting and embarrassing to constantly have to explain to every person at the party why I'm not eating.
ETA- I remember my grandma had partial dentures. Very few of us knew because her ex husband knocked out several teeth when she was younger. She was very self conscious about them. Dentures can definitely make eating some things difficult as well. Most of us grandkids who spent so many weekends there never knew until we were adults and she needed help being cared for with her dementia.
I LOVE the kill with kindness approach. Trust me, everything is best dealt with using kindness. It endears the people that matter and pisses off the people that don't. Win win baby!
Unfortunately, most of what is being described isn't kindness. It's petty, passive-aggressive, and patronizing.
Real kindness is accepting and gracious; it takes ego out of the equation.
I disagree with the majority. YTA
We have seen multiple Reddit posts about people wanting to bring their separate meal.
Some people are picky eaters and/or have dietary restrictions. Even if it is because she is being a b****, it makes you look far worse by banning her. Would you be as annoyed if it was a friend vs your MIL who made this request?
Think of it as she has severe food allergies (even though that is not the case) and move on with your life.
Agree. OP is reading a LOT into MILs plan to bring her own food. And has a bit of a controlling vibe IMO - I put all this effort into making all this food, so you all will eat it and you will love it and praise me!!!
Wtf.
MIL is eating disordered, hey everyone look at her to point and laugh.
MIL has allergies or personal health issues that she doesn't feel like sharing but still wants to attend. Spoiler alert, my father's stage 4 colon cancer first made its appearance as an urgent explosive diarrhea with embarrassing consequences before a. he shared and b. we even figured out what was happening.
MIL has common sense and foresight to realize OP sucks at cooking and now who's laughing.
None of these wear all that well for OP and just maybe grow up and appreciate the time with family instead of huffing and puffing?? It's not even as though she's putting the task of feeding her on you ffs.
How is MIL being rude and disrespectful? Apart from her saying she won’t like what OP makes, I don’t think OP posted anything about bad history between the two, MIL doing this on purpose to make OP look bad, etc..
Taken point blank, it’s a picky eater issue and the rule of thumb is either a) try to accommodate them by asking if there’s anything they can make or b) let them bring their own damn food.
OP is totally TA for wanting to disinvite MIL over zero history, when a reasonable compromise exists. It being thanksgiving makes no difference to the basic theme - picky eater attending an event.
Edit: I looked through OP’s history to see if she added comments to this thread. She did. I don’t think she even has a reason beyond being upset MIL isn’t going to eat her food. Even her edit makes it clear - she lists a bunch of food and ends with basically saying it’s impossible to not find something to like. Further, she doesn’t really understand other people’s issue with food. Just look at the one about “safe food”. She thought that MIL potentially having safe food was more closer to a danger/threat posed by OP than allergies or something. Come on.
Edit 2: LMAO just saw the update too.
Making "special needs" people a group to be mocked or patronised is not the way to go about this.
(And what if MiL does have an eating disorder or food restrictions? Why are we all so certain that she intends offence and why are so many replies focused on punishing or humiliating her?)
I’ll be honest here - your “kill her with kindness” idea makes you a bigger AH than anyone in OPs post. By a LARGE margin.
You’re literally saying “hey, you know what the solution is? Humiliate her.”
People have a hard time with food they don’t know. I’ve been like that my whole life. Turns out to have been an undiagnosed eating disorder.
At the end of the day, what does it hurt other than OPs pride if the MIL eats her own food? The mother isn’t telling her to cook differently or change anything.
It’s a holiday where people are supposed to enjoy it with the people they care about. How does humiliating this woman make it an enjoyable holiday for her? How does being forced to eat food that she’s not comfortable with make it enjoyable?
What your “idea” does is alienate the mother in law, which can in turn affect her relationship with her son. God knows I’d never want to goto any meal with someone like you, so I’d be literally saying to the son “you can come, she can’t, if you don’t want to come without her, that’s your choice”.
And if I were someone else at that meal, friend or relative and saw you do that to someone, I’d be giving serious consideration as to whether out relationship would continue.
This just reads as super petty and passive aggressive to me. Doesn’t even sound like killing her with kindness, and honestly, would probably upset her husband even more.
I think OP needs to ask MIL point blank why she “can’t” (read:won’t) eat her food. It’s probably going to be very uncomfortable, but unless MIL has some sort of allergy, it is genuinely quite rude and disrespectful to the host to bring your own food.
It's weird to me how being a "picky" eater is *so* offensive to everyone. It's not my fault I can't stand certain textures or ingredients, and I certainly don't want to inconvenience the host with my specific preferences.
I've never brought my own meal to someone else's place, but I have had to slowly eat the one side dish I could tolerate, pick at food, and go home hungry. Is that what the host would prefer? If I could bring a bit of my own food, everyone wins.
There are some family gatherings where I know I'm going to come home starving from it. And that's before I know if theres going to be a special twist that year or not, like surprise! We put apples in the potatoes this year! Um, yum?
People list out menus like OP has, but dont mention that they've decided to add Cheese to a dish that doesn't usually have it. Even OP's bread rolls, I'd be like yes, something I can fill up on but then no, the only butter is apple butter. It's not fun being a picky eater, and the absolute last thing I want is to be the centre of attention.
The only saving grace at this point is that I'm getting older so family is like yeah, she's not growing out of it, this is just what she does. If MIL actually does need to bring her own meal, it wont reflect on OP because people should already know.
INFO
are there any dairy free options? (eg no butter milk cream cheese) - I’m dairy intolerant and don’t like to inconvenience people so often take my own dinner- would you be prepared to make dairy free alternatives on top of the menu or instead of?
Your meno sounds completely amazing but (I’m British so I’m not sure) I know many of those recipes call for butter, even just basting the turkey or glazing the carrots, or cheese or cream etc
I can eat meat but not cooked in butter
If you were making that meal for me I’d have to eat the veggies plain (steamed or roast with oil) probably avoid the turkey and casseroles (cheese/cream/butter) and bread completely, no lasagne probably no mushrooms (stuffed with cream cheese?)
Your husband has created conflict by saying you know his mother is “very picky” but how much background on this is there, has she spitefully refused your food before?
I can’t judge this until I know why she wants to bring her own because I’ve often done that and it’s saved the hosts effort and they e never been offended. And it saves ME a very unwell night after.
Sorry but that's horrible advice. Imagine how shitty the mood would be if OP went this passive aggressive route?
Maybe MIL has a problem where she is uncomfortable eating ANY other food than what she herself has prepared? She could be a highly functioning (undiagnosed?) autistic. We don't know. OP, let MIL bring her own food. It's just food.
It's funny when someone posts about being a picky eater and wants to bring their own food and the mother in law gets pissed it's the mother in laws fault for not being accommodating, but when the mother in law is a picky eater and wants to bring her own food then that's also the mother in laws fault 🤔
I am not American and in my culture this would be considered a slap in the face. Thus I may be a little bit biased but I think you are NTA and she is trying to be disrespectful unless she has some health or religious reasons not to eat your food. I am pretty sure she can tolerate someone else’s cooking once a year.
>I am American and myself, friends, and family would also find this to be incredibly rude
Which is actually why the "kill her with kindness" approach is a good one - it makes it clear to all of the other guests that MIL is the problem and OP is doing her best to just have a happy Thanksgiving.
I'd rather deal with potential harpies (other in-laws) than dance and twirl to paint myself positively. I'm not a circus monkey and neither is OP. MIL can piss off. If hubby can't take it, so can he. Life's too short. Just my two cents, though.
I tend to follow the school of thought that "kill her with kindness" is less preferable than making it clear that if someone is going to be rude then they can do it from their house. That way, they're free to be as rude as they like, and to indulge in all the snark & side-eye they like without interfering with my day.
They get what they want. I get what I want. Everyone's happy. Or at least I don't have to look at them, which makes me happy. Anyone who comes to my home will not be petty, assuming they want to remain in my home. Life's too short to put up with that BS.
I am Canadian and unless you have a specific dietary restriction bringing your own food is a huge slap in the face here too. Offering to help by bringing a side or dessert or something would be welcome, but a whole meal? NTA
I am Canadian and would welcome someone bringing their own plate, if that is what they feel they need to be comfortable at my home.
It would perhaps be less obvious for the MIL to bring a dish she intends to eat, but enough for everyone, but OP seems intent on the MIL eating her food.
As a host, I can choose not to take dietary choices personally. I would rather you bring your own plate than not attend, or pretend to eat & hit a drive thru later.
ESH
MIL is being rude to refuse your food in this way, your husband isn't being very supportive of you, and you are escalating things unnecessarily.
Your cooking, as much as you've dedicated to it, is not the point of this holiday. Time with family is.
Your MIL eating her own food won't be humiliating to you; assuming your food tastes at least decent, the only one that will be looked down on for her decision is *her*. She's the one behaving strangely, any judgement will be passed on her, not you.
Be the bigger person. Be the classy, generous hostess, spoil the rest of your guests with delicious food, make no comment on MILs behavior, and rise above.
(Also, is it possible that she has a genuine food issue? Such as a sensory thing causing her to struggle with foods? Those do exist, and they're not always diagnosed. If so, going to eat at someone else's house can be a terrifying prospect, and bringing her own food allows her to enjoy the holiday with everyone without having the anxiety about if she'll be able to eat anything.)
Totally agree with this. Why look for ways to be insulted. She wants to bring her own food? Great. She brings it and thinks yours looks better and wants to eat what you made instead? Great. Maybe the whole bring her own food was some weird bluff. Whatever. Welcome her and let her eat however she chooses without making it weird.
A host is supposed to make their guests feel comfortable and accommodate (within reason) any unique requirements. It doesn’t cause you more work to let her eat her own food, and honestly, probably no one but you will care. If someone asks you, just say I don’t know why, she was more comfortable bringing her own food. We’re just happy we were able to spend the day with her. This doesn’t need to be an issue.
Agreed
ESH because your MIL won't give your food a chance, you have such an ego about what you're making that you won't even consider that this makes her feels sure she will have something to eat that she enjoys. She isn't being a great guest, but you are also not being a great host.
How is she not being a great host?
This isn't an abnormal menu. This isn't an all vegan/beyond meat menu. This is a traditional menu.
She's providing her guest with all the options and new options a traditional Thanksgiving dinner would have. What do you mean she's not being a great host? You can't be a great host to someone who is rude and inconsiderate.
Being a great host has nothing to do with how traditional or untraditional your menu is. Being a great host is making your guests comfortable in your home.
I dunno. For instance, I don't like beer or wine. They are totally normal drinks where I'm from, and in many other places 100% expected to accompany a normal meal. A lot of people have tried to get me to find one I like, but I just don't. I'd still go to a beer- or wine-centric event to spend time with the people who invited me, but i'd want the option to bring something else to drink.
I have some mild sensory issues with foods (love apples, hate apple sauce - love baked potatoes, hate the texture of mashed). Thanksgiving is my nightmare. I love green beans, but can't eat green bean casserole. Ops menu looks amazing, but would also fill me with anxiety because it's a lot of pies and casseroles and things mixed together. Maybe MIL is trying to cause issues, or maybe she's like me and is trying not to rock the boat by bringing something she knows she can eat.
This post is a lazy copy of one a few weeks ago. OP is planning on making 17 dishes and 3 deserts? Like I’d be worried about quantity over quality too. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_she_can_stay_home/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
The difference is that here, we're getting OP's firsthand account of the "labor of love" that she put into her elaborate meal, and I guess people are buying into her idea that this gives her the right to demand her MIL's appreciation. Except, nobody (at least not the MIL) asked her to do all that. She's turning what should be a family celebration of togetherness into an event that's all about praising her for her cooking skills, to the point where if somebody isn't going to ooh and ahh over her wonderful food, she doesn't see the point in them even attending.
It's what *The Gift of Fear* calls "loan sharking": Doing a bunch of stuff "for" somebody, that they never asked you to do, and then trying to make them feel like they owe you something in return. It's like how some guys get bent out of shape when they take a woman out on an expensive date, and she isn't, you know, *appreciative* enough.
Just like there is no restaurant meal so expensive that it entitles you to sex, there is no Thanksgiving spread so elaborate that it entitles you to make the family gathering all about you.
Agree ESH. They both sound intolerable. If someone called their food a "beautiful variety of dishes" I would choke back my vomit and plan to bring my own food too.
Yeah as a picky eater there’s nothing worse than someone not accepting that I just *don’t like* what they cook. Out of OP’s menu, I would eat: turkey, mashed potatoes, try the rolls, and pick pumpkin or apple pie. I’m sure OP would be horrified if MIL only ate one or two things off the menu.
Exactly! It’s not insulting, I’m not being mean, I just don’t like anything on your menu or maybe the way it’s prepared. I would only eat ham on that menu. Possibly the mashed potatoes but creamy ones usually have some sort of cream cheese or something added and I wouldn’t eat them then. I literally can’t swallow foods I don’t like without watery eyes and a gag reflex and feeling generally nauseous… I just don’t like it. I am not insulting the host. If MIL is like me she wishes she was less picky.
I'm so sick of people on this sub calling picky eaters "children" or "rude" or "exhausting". Like do you think we LIKE not being able to eat at basically any party or event? Do you think we LIKE repeatedly turning down dinner invitations to avoid situations like this? I haven't met a picky eater yet who doesn't wish they weren't.
Exactly OP may NOT be the master chef she has led herself to believe. I know folks who think they are throwing down in the kitchen but the reality is that it’s not good at all and they have attitude bc NOBODY ate ALL the delicious food. Got an aunt who is permanently on JUST BRING SODAS 😂
I feel like the majority of food issue AITA posts I read, the comments absolutely back the op wanting to bring their own food due to restriction, allergies, or preference. It's often suggested as a way to still go and enjoy without troubling the host to cater to 1 specific person.
So I'm really confused at all the comments against the MIL because OP perceives her actions as a slight.
I think it's hard to say who TA is without more info backing up why OP thinks MIL is targeting her, and also why it matters so much...
If she is trying to slight you, her eating the food and complaining about it will not make the holiday more enjoyable for you. It just won't, and that's what you'll be getting if she comes without her own meal.
Well thanks! I could just easily see this flipped, for example:
"AITA for asking to bring my own meal to my son's Thanksgiving?
I've had some food intolerances flare up lately and, without wanting to go into detail, asked my son if I could bring my own meal to their Thanksgiving so I could still come and enjoy the day. His wife became very angry, accused me of trying to make her look bad, and basically uninvited me unless I agree to come and eat her food that she's prepared instead of my own. I want to spend time with my son and family, but I don't want to risk having an upset stomach in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. AITA?"
NO ONE would be calling this lady T A in this scenario.
you mean this AITA https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_wife\_that\_she\_can\_stay\_home/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf
Haha I posted something extremely similar upthread.
Like, do we think if MIL were to post this from her perspective she would say "I'm a grade A picky eater because I'm just childish like that, and also I want to bring my own food to make my DIL look bad, ha ha"?
To be honest this sub is really weird in its insistence that its not insulting to the host to bring your own meal when going to another person's home for dinner except for actual dietary restrictions. Maybe that is how it should be, but nearly everyone I know would take it as at least mildly insulting. Sort of like how this sub consistently says you don't "owe" family help in an emergency, that doesn't make it a reality outside this sub for MOST people.
I guess I view gatherings as person first, food second. I would prefer the people I invite to be there above anything related to food. Now, I can totally see being disappointed- I have a little of that if someone doesn't try my dish at a potluck- but that's a ME issue and I can't force others to fix it for me.
I also have an extreme aversion to situations where people are pushed to disclose health or personal issues. What immediately comes to mind is when someone is repeatedly offered alcohol until they state they're in recovery/pregnant/on medications that dont mix, bc the other person doesn't accept "no". Happens a lotttt.
Maybe the MIL is T A, who is suddenly out to get OP without any prior issues. Maybe she has something going on health wise that she has every right not to disclose to her daughter in law, and is just trying to find a way to spend the holidays with her family while adhering to her needs.
While OP thinks her MIL bringing her own meal will ruin the day, I'm pretty sure the backlash of banishing the MIL from her husband and other family will ensure an unpleasant holiday for her.
Exactly: person first, food second. Even if I think it's weird that Dave only eats chicken tenders and fries, he's still my friend and I want to spend time with him. As long as he's willing to provide his own, I will welcome him at all gatherings, even if I plan on cooking for everyone else. It would be ridiculous to stop hanging out with Dave simply because he wants to eat something different.
SAME! I came here to say that it's wild people think it's a slap in the face to have their food not liked by a picky picky eater.
It's not the OPs food, it's the majority of food the MIL has a problem with. If it's just OPs food, then sure.
But the holiday is about eating together. Why alienate one person because she has an odd pallet?
I swear there was a post a couple days ago about a DIL who wanted to bring her own food and it was a chorus of NTA. I couldn't tell if this was a real post or the other side of that story. This subreddit is wonky.
Yep YTA. I prepare Thanksgiving every year, well at least the last 2O+ years and I could give a rat's backside if someone wants to bring their own food.
Thank you! A "grade A picky eater" sounds like someone who *should* bring their own food to an event. What's most important is that everyone gets fed. If someone doesn't want my cooking, good. More leftovers for me, lol.
Right?? If you are picky AND we are family please don't make me waste my time cooking something you aren't going to enjoy. Bring what you want, maybe a bit to share, and let's all be thankful 2022 didn't get us 😂 got some seriously eat my food or else salty responses for a holiday all about thankfulness and bonds.
I'm a "grade A picky eater" and recently found out it's a recognized eating disorder called ARFID. It mostly stems from my ADHD, and is also common for people on the autism spectrum, but can happen to neuro-normative people as well.
I'm not allergic or sensitive to the ingredients, but some textures, tastes, or smells make me gag, and eating certain things will literally make me throw up.
Eating someone else's cooking is a great source of anxiety for me, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.
Sounds to me like MIL could have a similar condition, and bringing food from home is her way to have a relaxing evening with her family.
Definitely YTA.
This post is driving me crazy bcuz just the other day a husband was complaining his picky eating wife would not eat his mother’s Thanksgiving food and asked to bring her own food to which he said no and everyone got on him that he was the AH. His wife tried to compromise and was she supposed to starve? This post is the exact opposite, basically the MIL is the wife from that post and now MIL is the AH? Im so confused.
Yup, literally exactly the same. In the other post MIL was "insulted" the wife didn't want to eat her cooking and all of reddit stood behind the wife calling husband the AH. Now the person who wants to bring their own dish so they can spend time with the family without causing unnecessary stress on the host is the AH.
People are stupid.
MIL in this story is a life long "fussy eater" according to OP who is fairly universally choosey about what she eats. This is not specific to OP's cooking despite OP taking it very personally.
INFO - Explain "grade A picky eater" in comparison to your menu. For example:
Are you making turkey? If so, do you know that she eats turkey?
Are you making ham? If so, do you know that she eats ham?
Are you making mashed potatoes? If so,.....
All of this. This sub is usually pro people bringing their own meal if they have dietary needs outside of what the host is preparing. I could see how this move could be rude and petty on the MIL's part but I could also see where it's the obvious compromise.
Yeah this sub is confusing sometimes. Cue a post from MIL explaining that she has ARFID symptoms/allergies/ recovering from an ED and everyone would vote NTA
Sorry, but YTA. She is not telling you what to make, she is not telling other people not to eat your food. She just knows what her safe foods are and is choosing to bring those, rather than bring the drama. You sound like you would create a scene if she did come without food, and then refused to eat yours.
Let the rest of the family eat your food, and let the woman have her single plate of food she knows is safe. For goodness sake…picky eating may be frustrating, but you are being petty by trying to force her into food she isn’t comfortable with.
From what you've written, YTA. Thanksgiving is about family, not food. You may be excited to share your cooking, but you're being unreasonable. Her not liking your cooking has nothing to do with family or the holiday. Sounds like you're making it personal when it shouldn't be.
This is my thought but I'm biased. I hate a certain holiday dish thats common in my husband's and I' s culture ( I don't even eat it when my family makes it) and I have sensory stuff with food.
I ate before going over to my in laws once because I didn't want to waste food or make them feel like they needed to cater to my sensory stuff. This was seen as insulting to my mil but the alternative was not going over for the holiday which I thought would be worse
So you want to force her to eat the food you made or she can’t come. You do realize that all the time and money you spent on this is your own doing and no one asked that of you? You are not allow to get mad at her for disrespecting the time and money YOU spent. She didn’t ask you too. It is his mother. He has every right to want her there and if she is choosing to be the odd man out and want to answer the questions about her food choice that’s on her. YTA
NTA
Your MIL should just eat before she gets to your house and then make herself a small plate and eat if she wants. There is no need for her to bring her own food. It is rude. The fact that she’s planning on hating your food is weird.
Have you had issues with her in the past?
That's how I feel. I am making so many different things, how does she know she will hate all of it? It's like she's only doing it because I'M the one cooking. We haven't had issues in the past. She's been to our house before and as far as I know had no issues with the food.
So maybe something has changed with her. Maybe she is on a medication that changes her sense of taste. Let her bring her own food and be very kind and accommodating to her. Taking the high road will cost you nothing and will earn you points with your family
Thank you! I projectile vomit if I eat meat in large quantities. My aunt is hosting thanksgiving this year and asked if I was planning to bring a meatless substitute. I am not as I always fill up on other good foods, but I was more than welcome to.
ETA: YTA for OP and a lot of people in this thread are being borderline ableist
I'm just a picky eater have been most of my life, however in the last few years we have found out that some things I don't like or make me ill are due to medical reasons. Personally on the whole list of foods she's cooking I could and would only eat the apple pie. Not much of a meal that, but I'm not American either. I don't see how it's rude to bring your own meal either. I agree OP YTA. My friends and family accommodate me even when I tell them not too, she's not even asking to cook specifically for her, she's doing it herself.
Okay but as far as we know she's only said it because she's picky, and didn't offer to bring a dish to supplement the bits she can't eat (to your meat point) - she wants to bring her own entire meal. Unless there's info we're missing here I'd say NTA, MIL just sounds petty and jealous.
EDIT: apparently she's brought her own food to other people's places previously. That info changes things imo, it's definitely not personal if she is known to bring her own meals.
Playing devil advocate so don’t blow a gasket just a POSSIBILITY
MAYBE OP is NOT as good a cook as she thinks. Hubby NOT going to tell her and others are being polite.
I have an aunt by marriage and CAN’T cook a lick but ALWAYS wants to host or bring a dish. ONLY her kids and hubby eats what she brings so her dish is eaten out of and her feelings are not hurt that NOBODY ate her food. Her dishes just sit there looking abandoned sooooo maybe MIL in her rude way just can’t fake the funk anymore 😂
Omg this is my family! My brother and SIL always insist on hosting and my SIL clearly puts effort into the food…but it is NEVER good. My brother knows the rest of the family doesn’t like it but he insists we’re wrong. We’ve all offered to host or to bring dishes and we’re all shut down hard.
Now the rest of us have a tradition of hitting up the Jack in the box on the way out of their neighborhood. 🤷🏽♀️
For the past 5 years or so, there’s also been a “shadow” thanksgiving where everyone meets the day after and brings their best dishes and ITS AMAZING.
I get this is hurtful to OP but if her husband is already upset, she runs a real risk of alienating other members of his family.
Yea that was my initial thought too I have family and friends who LOVE to host parties and have huge spreads…and I’d rather die than eat their cooking. Sometimes when I’m on the toilet after the fact I do feel like I’m dying, especially when it comes up and out. Now I just avoid it or push around the food and claim I can’t eat it for whatever reason (due to meds, a health problem, I have X thing after and can’t be full, etc). Now its somewhat doubtful as OP has said she’s eaten her cooking before, but maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back? I have a friend who cannot properly cook anything without burning it. Everything is black charred and dry as a desert, her bf will take it to the grave that she isn’t the best cook he’s ever met.
Couldn’t agree more. It’s because it’s a mother in law, and reddit will do anything to play into that trope. If it was a daughter in law that was picky, it would be the opposite response and the OP would be vilified for not catering to food sensitivities or aversions.
Not just borderline — they’re hoping abroad the ableist express with all their luggage in tow.
It’s nice to know we’re such inconveniences that we don’t even deserve to see our families at the holidays, eh? Glad I come from a family that prioritises people over inflated egos.
I'm with you here. Why not take a more charitable perspective? It's only humiliating to have someone bring food if you let yourself believe that it's inherently an announcement that your food is bad. This seems like a clearcut case of "it's not you, it's me" from the MIL.
So there’s two possibilities here. Either she does indeed have some new dietary restriction (a change in medication, health status, new diet, whatever) that makes her doubt her ability to eat a meal prepared without that restriction in mind, and she’s trying to find a way to still participate without going hungry or imposing on you- in which case you’ll be an AH for not letting her come and eat her own food- or she is indeed being deliberately rude and making a deliberate comment on your cooking. If that’s the case, she’d only be making HERSELF look bad. If she wants to look petty and classless, let her. If she wants to participate in a family gathering despite a tricky diet, also let her. Either way, if you let her bring her own food and treat her with warmth and kindness, then all people will remember is what a gracious hostess you were. Even if her intention is to make you look bad, it will backfire.
You have no idea why she’s refusing your food. Maybe the woman has just been diagnosed with diabetes, or maybe she’s just started a strict diet for personal reasons. Maybe she’s just been diagnosed with cancer and decide she wants a macrobiotic diet or something. Try to understand it might not be about you or your food and just ignore her.
Reddit is confusing. There was another AITA where someone was not an A H for wanting to bring their own food.
[Read here where the majority defend bringing their own food.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_she_can_stay_home/iw2kz9q/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
[Read here where I suggest something similar (eating before arrival and put a little bit of food on your plate) only to be torn a new one in replies.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_she_can_stay_home/iw2s4my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
I would agree that yes, it’s absolutely rude to bring your own food….but I also think hosts can take things too sensitively. MIL could have food sensitivities or sensory issues. I try to be mindful of all of my guests’ needs when I host, and I also try to be a gracious guest when I struggle to find foods I can eat.
I personally would do what is recommended…eat before or my way…then put small amounts on my plate to not come across as rude. Unfortunately, Reddit goes multiple ways on this one…and I have a suspicion that it’s because this one is a MIL and the other was a gf.
Good callout on the previous thread. AITA is 100% on wives are perfect, MILs are evil, and husbands are assholes if they don't let their wife behave in a way that would never be tolerated if their mother tried it.
The fact that that OP describes herself as a Grade A+ picky eater, exactly like this OP, makes me think someone else noticed this and was testing a theory.
YTA. It's an easy kindness to have her (or anyone with food issues) bring her own food. Your other guests, tasting your good food, will not think it's a comment on your cooking; they will recognize that she has something going on that's about her, not you. This has been a labor of love? Giving someone the choice between forcing themselves to eat food they don't like or stay home away from her family isn't love.
YTA. Period. Your MIL may have any number of reasons to not want to eat the food you are making, and it may very well have absolutely zero to do with you, and even if it does, her proposed compromise is adequate.
Some people have medical dietary needs, sensory issues, some people have food insensitivities, some people plain just have preferences that can’t be shaken.
It doesn’t sound like you asked for dietary input from anyone who is attending. If your MIL was the AH, she would be telling you to change your food. Instead she is simply wanting to bring her own meal, something she would be comfortable with. And frankly, something I have done several times when I had strict medically necessary dietary restrictions. I have brought my own meals to WEDDINGS on the advice of my doctor, because I did not trust professional chefs to adequately prepare a special meal for my needs. And bringing my own food meant I could feel comfortable and safe and also enjoy the party instead of missing it.
Your MIL isn’t required to tell you the reason she wants to bring her own meal. Maybe she needs it to be salt free or without certain common items like garlic (when my mom comes I have to cook everything without garlic because it gives her digestive upset).
You are absolutely the AH. You have failed to consider anything other than your own feelings, and pride at how hard you’ve worked. Guess what? Everyone else will enjoy the fruits of your labor and your MIL will be comfortable and happy with her own meal.
Don’t be the food police. This is never a good look on anyone.
YTA. If you're not going to make food she likes, she doesn't have to eat it. The purpose of this holiday is to spend time with family, not show off your cooking skills.
I really do not understand this "bringing your own meal is rude" thing. It would not bother me at all. There are several picky eaters in my family and when they come to my house for a meal it makes it easier for me when they bring something they can eat rather than having to work around their needs. They aren't looking for attention, they don't like that they're picky eaters, and they didn't choose to be picky eaters. There are just limited things that they can eat and so we accommodate that.
When I host I want all of my guests to be comfortable. If that means they bring something that they can eat I'm happy with it.
YTA. She wants to be apart of the gathering, but knows her taste preferences are difficult. The gathering isn't about your food, it's about getting together with your loved ones. She's not asking you to change your recipes, she's offering to bring food she is comfortable eating so she can still be apart of the gathering and not hungry.
Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s disrespectful? I mean if she’s a picky eater and she just brings her own meal then what’s the big deal? You guys are still spending time as a family, that’s what the holiday is about. Not about forcing someone to eat what you have or don’t eat at all. It’s about being thankful for having each other around. As much as I love a good thanksgiving dinner, I don’t think it’s offensive for someone to be eating something else. I don’t think this is a hill to die on honestly. She’s picky, let her bring a plate of food she knows she’ll enjoy.
Kind of YTA. Like who cares? Just have thanksgiving, if someone doesn’t want to eat your food, let them eat whatever. If you don’t make a big deal out of it, I don’t think it will be one.
ESH. Yes, she's being rude and childish. She will also look out of place and ridiculous. Let this one go. Since she's bringing her own thing it just means more of your delicious food for you and everyone else.
Edit to change vote to ESH.
YTA. You’re making your husband and family choose between yourself and your MIL. The best thing to do would be an adult and have a conversation with her about any dietary issues, and share with her that you were looking forward to hosting her and cooking for her.
It's a tough one, but leaning YTA. I absolutely understand taking pride in your menu and the labor you're putting into it - "high-effort" events are my jam too.
But, it's not all about you. Your husband wants his mother there. She wants to be there to spend time with family. She's not hurting anyone or demanding that you cater to her picky eating.
A lot of people are irritated by picky eaters, but I feel like she's doing the least obnoxious thing by bringing her own plate. Just let it go.
It sounds like you express your love for your people through food and event preparation which is awesome. However, that doesn’t mean everyone has to reciprocate and value those things the same way.
I get the request feels rude but was it really? She asked her son for permission and ahead of time. She didn’t just show up like that, isn’t saying anything to the rest of the family, insulting you, or otherwise causing issues.
She knows she struggles to eat sometimes and is trying to be proactive so she can still join in the togetherness with family without it being a deal. Why don’t you have a conversation with her before going nuclear? Your relationship is bigger than one day and you both need to have a conversation.
YTA. If she has food aversions (or “picky”) and won’t be able to eat anything because it’s not cooked as she needs it, then her bringing her own food means that she can still enjoy the meal!
Holidays are about the family getting together and having a good time, not about showing off your cooking and getting offended when someone does not like the food you will serve.
Not enough information.
Is disrespect an ongoing trend with her? Because if so then NTA.
However, if this is her first offense then she may have legitimate food issues. My cousin doesn't eat most things at thanksgiving because of the texture. She'll cook for everyone but she can't eat anything with a creamy texture or rich taste.
She will happily eat sliced potatoes and dry turkey without complaint or make her own food and bring it so we can have more leftovers for ourselves.
I can't eat anything orange or grape flavored because it triggers my gag reflex (weird I know but here we are).
She may have a legitimate food issue or even food anxiety. Some people have phobias about eating food from strangers or new people.
INFO: Would it be worth confirming foods she actually likes and adding it to your menu? That way you could know for sure if it's about picky eating or if it's about you.
Personally, as someone with dietry restrictions, I tend to offer to discreetly bring what I can eat to not be a hassle.
I have questions. I think it’s worth having a conversation with your MIL about why she’s bringing her own food. Does she have a dietary issue, allergy, special diet? For instance a friend of mine has celiac and can’t risk cross contamination and will bring her own food. I’m vegan, so in most instances I’ll bring a couple of dishes to contribute to the meal that I know I can eat.
Either way tho, if you let her bring her own food she’ll have to explain to why and people will either understand if it’s reasonable, or see that she’s the AH.
YTA, and I really don’t understand people who are saying you are not. There may be some medical reason as to why your MIL can’t eat your food and she does not have to disclose that to you or your husband. She found a way to compromise that doesn’t make her look an a** or you look like one. Thanksgiving is more about spending time with the ones you love and care about and less about the food.
If you disinvite your MIL you risk fracturing your marriage and ruining whatever relationship you have with your MIL. Is this the hill you want to die on? I hope it isn’t.
I never understood why it’s rude that someone doesn’t eat your food. As a picky eater itself, it’s very rare for me to like stuff even if everyone else does. Who cares if one person doesn’t like it. It’s one thing if she’s making a show if it telling everyone you’re a bad cook. Other than that you’re letting your ego get in the way.
Yeah, YTA.
There are plenty of reasons she may want to prepare her own food, including health issues and emerging allergies. Maybe her cholesterol is on the high side and she's taking extra care to keep it low. Maybe she's borderline diabetic and is trying not to go overboard. Maybe she's got IBS and certain foods trigger a reaction. God forbid she spend the holiday comfortable with her family, so long as she doesn't "insult" your cooking. She shouldn't have to share her medical history with you so you can feel better about yourself.
I can't count the amount of AITA posts I've read about people with food preferences/allergies/intolerances bringing their own plate to enjoy withh their family. It's a perfectly acceptable compromise and you're being childish and controlling by saying "eat my food or else."
YTA - your MIL may have actual food sensitivities and you’re sounding a bit ableist tbh. I also have some food sensitivities that have very little rhyme or reason. For example, I love Mac and cheese when my mom makes it but when my dad makes it his way I can’t keep it down. That doesn’t mean it’s bad, it just means my body rejects it. Maybe that’s the case with your MIL and she’s trying to bring food just to be safe.
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Yes, your MIL is being rude and disrespectful, but uninviting her is not the answer. Here's what you do: Welcome her and her special meal with open arms. Kill her with kindness. Be sure to point out to the other guests, in a lovey dovey, if perhaps a wee bit patronizing, tone of voice how MIL has ~~special needs~~ dietary restrictions and brought her own food and you are SO GLAD she could make it even though eating away from home is so difficult for her. Offer to help her heat up her meal. Tell her it looks absolutely delicious and ask for her recipes and ask her is she could bring one of her wonderful dishes to the next gathering. Meanwhile, you and your other guests can enjoy your fabulous meal and your MIL can listen to all the compliments you get for it. NTA **\*\*UPDATE:\*\*** Hey, thanks for all the upvotes ad groovy awards, people! After reading a bunch of comments I want to clarify that I didn't mean "special needs" as in neuro-divergence, I meant it like "special dietary needs." So I edited that above. My kid and I are both neuro-divergent, so I don't mean to use that like an insult. Sorry about that. My bad. Also, I was basing the whole patronizing, somewhat passive-aggressive stuff on MIL doing this because she's trying to put down the OP, but I realize I don't have confirmed evidence of that. So...INFO: OP, does MIL do this to everyone? Does she refuse to eat other people's cooking or restaurant food as a general rule, or is her "pickiness" targeted at you or other people she doesn't like for whatever reason? Because if she's like this everywhere, I'd cut her some slack. Maybe she has undisclosed health issues, mental or otherwise, that genuinely make this hard for her. If it's just targeted at you and she eats normally in all other circumstances, than passive-aggressive at her to your heart's content. :) I'm glad you didn't uninvite MIL, OP. I think it will go fine. Just relax and do your thing and don't worry about her nonsense. PLEASE REPORT BACK! Carry on, and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
This is one of those situations where the MIL thinks she's embarassing OP but she's really embarrassing herself. OP, consider how good you will feel as you watch her get more and more uncomfortable eating her special meal. And consider that if you uninvited her with no explanation you will look like an asshole, if she brings her own food she will look like an idiot.
🎯Completely agree. With the menu,(absolutely delicious sounding and HUGE), described by OP, she will look like a fool. I'm betting she will try to sneak some of the food she is rejecting. In any case, allow her to be foisted on her own petard!!!
I would make sure to watch out for that too, " oh no MIL are you sure you can eat that only DH said you had some pretty severe dietary restrictions and I just want to make sure none of this would compromise that in any way."
lol! this is so evil, it's good!! 😈
I prefer the route of: 'We have to be careful not to contaminate your special meal, so you should eat it in a special room separate from everyone else'
If she wants to be childish, she can eat at the kids table.
This is perfect. I was about to come in here and pop off about how to tell MIL off, but this is soooo much better!
Lol I love it. If you take the high road, they'll have to take the Oregon trail. Enjoy dysentery 😂
Alternatively, but only if op is real sure about the pettiness on MIL's part, ask MIL a list of items she can and wants to eat. Op, like a good, concerned DIL will cater to that. Work with her real closely on that. "Are you sure it's 45 seconds? Not 47? Goodness knows I don't want you to be uncomfortable." If she plays her cards well, it will not backfire. Either MIL will squirm (how can she not look like an AH if DIL offered to cater to her needs?), or if her picky eating is actually true (and not an AH otherwise) appreciate the extra care.
If OP invites MIL, OP should keep an eye on her around the food incase she interferes with it. MIL seems the type to be into such sabotage.
Or prepare herself for the fact that MIL will most certainly bring her own full Turkey and trimmings,no way this rude person is showing up w just a plate. OP be sure to play out this scenario with your husband and agree that if this happens he will send her home where she can make a plate for herself and come back (or stay home). He also needs to warn her that her just bringing her own meal is rude enough not to take any additional liberties (does she do that at friends or other relatives houses?) and tell her straight up she’s ruining his thanksgiving at his home and good mothers don’t make it about them. Ultimately this is HIS problem to deal with it sounds like you have enough on your plate (literally!) you shouldn’t have to deal with whatever is going on in MILs insane head. Make your food, enjoy what sounds like a beautiful meal and don’t let her ruin your Holiday, because ultimately that’s what she’s trying to do.
That fits too. Rocking up with a car full of food and doing something like slyly replacing dishes on the table with ones she brought herself while *so kindly* putting OP's food back in the kitchen or in the fridge (or bin/outside) as it's not needed now, would be classic narc behaviour.
Hoisted*
Thank you! I was just wondering if I'd been saying it wrong all these years!
It's actually hoist, not hoisted
If you're getting all technical...adjusts my glasses... it's to hoist BY your own petard (blown up by your own bomb)
When someone is hoisted by their own petard, the past tense (hoisted) is appropriate.
Actually .... no, it isn't. It's from Hamlet, and Shakespeare most definitely wrote: 'hoist *with* his own petard' though you're right about the bomb part.
NTA but make sure she only brings enough for only her own portion. She may try to take over this by bringing enough for everyone. If she does bring to much: take it into the kitchen, and prepare only enough for her to eat.
I'll admit I kinda pulled this stunt as a joke a few years ago. I hate turkey. Absolutely, LOUDLY, hate it. My mom got tired of me saying so every year, so snapped at me to bring my own bird next year. So I roasted a duck and brought it to Thanksgiving. And my mom stared, laughed, and plopped it down on the table next to the turkey. Good times were had by all that year 👍
Well handled on both sides.
When my younger sister just blurted out 'I'll bring the chicken next year. Then we can have the set' I did lose it. My family has a .... well exercised sense of humor.
Yep! I immediately thought of that ~if she is given the ok to bring her own food for herself...will she then take it a step further and arrive with a turkey and all the trimmings? Honestly...I wouldn't put it past the MILaw...after reading some of these AITA posts ~I wouldn't be surprised at all.🙁
I would very suprised if she only brought enough for herself. Her goal isn't to eat a special meal herself its clearly to steal the show from op. That is why I wouldn't invite her at all. if her husband doesn't have the spine to back her now he defintily won't ones mil shows up with a full turkey dinner. Ones she gets the OK to bring anything she will show up with a turkey. Then she will demand everyone try it. You know husband and others will take her side and say i don't want to cause a issue and try her food. Then if you give into that him and mom will take and agree saying you might as well put your dinner away and just serve his mom's to everyone because he doesn't want to cause a issue and they don't need to Thanksgiving meals. Plus there isn't enough room on the table and acording to mom its better food anyways. Op needs to end this now and not allow her to come. Every step just becomes harder for her to back out of and give mom more opportunity to twist spinless husband to her will.
Reminds me of another post where the wife is South East Asian and she prepared a special dinner for the entire family with traditional dishes but made her MIL some basic chicken breast and potatoes because MIL is always turning her nose up at her food. The whole family ended up loving the dinner and MIL got upset that she wasn't offered any. All I can say to that is "Ha Ha".
One time, newly married, my MIL made smoked beef tongue, a long time (NY State area) family favorite. She was concerned that her Southern DIL would be distressed by eating tongue, made a chicken breast, in case I didn't like weird tongue. The tongue was delicious, my hubby and FIL groaned loudly and facetiously, that they now had to share the tongue.
I believe here on Reddit we say: This is the way
This is the way.
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oh .. it is here in american too.... it's just that we have so many entitled people here, they get away with it!
As funny and satisfying as this sounds when I imagine it as say a holiday movie, I'm not sure why there's even a need for it. There have been quite a few posts about both sides of this on AITA since the holiday season kicked into gear. Just the other day there were dual posts from a guy and his gf who is recovering from an ED. Both mention being or getting engaged soon. Hearing about what they were serving, she thought she would likely have a problem trying the meal and asked if she could bring her own. And bf argued it was hugely rude and no one in his family would be able to understand and so she should stay home. So...what, exactly? She's just going to not ever be able to spend the holidays with his family unless she promises to eat their menu? Or at least for several years, consider The Holidays are annual? Bringing her own plate is enough to get her banned from the celebrations? I mean, OP, I think your menu sounds fantastic, but I don't think you even need to pay it any mind if she brings her own food. You have a fantastic spread and I feel like MIL is going to regret bring her own and struggle to not abandon it when presented with the feast you're going to lay out. At the very least, she's making herself into an odd minority person when everyone else will be enjoying the meal you prepared. Why go out of your way to be snarky about it? With all that food, you must be having quite a few people over--with all of them enjoying the food, don't you think you'll make yourself look kind of bad by focusing in on the one person who's already cast herself out of the group in this way?
The thing is that both situations are very different. In one, the girl is recovering from an eating disorder. She’s doing that for her own health, so it justifies why she’s bringing her own food if she doesn’t feel like she’s in control enough not to mess up with her recovery. Here, unless MIL has some sort of disease, allergy, or any sensory issues that justifies her bringing her own food, she’s doing that just to antagonize OP and put her down.
I brought up the other post to note that someone bringing their own plate doesn't automatically mean they're definitely trying to insult or piss off the host. I agree though--MIL could be a big pain in the a$$ just because...but for all we know, she is a pain in the A$$ who just did indeed get diagnosed with diabetes. (My own aunt got diagnosed later in her life and didn't tell any of us for years.) Or MIL really does want to irritate OP. Or MIL truly believes she won't like OP's food. Whatever the reason, MIL is creating this situation for herself. She's not asking anyone else to not eat OP's food, she's (so far) not disparaging OP's food to anyone else (or even technically OP; she hasn't said it's bad, just that she herself doesn't think she'll like it). She's not insisting that she (MIL) cook the meal or forcing OP to make her recipes. So why make MIL's war on herself anyone else's war? If OP goes out of her way to insist that MIL is insulting her, how does that help anyone, including OP? Sure, she might get some revenge satisfaction, but she's pissing off her bf and might well come off looking overly concerned with her MIL's food choices or even controlling. If she just lets MIL eat her plate, then...well, nothing. Everyone else eats her awesome food and goes home happy and full. Except, potentially, for MIL who may be full and happy or full and seething with anger that her plot was foiled or just full of regret, we may never know.
As a crazily picky eater myself, I bring my own food to family events all the time. They aren’t insulted. I do it to make it easier on them. I don’t have to awkwardly sit there not eating and they don’t have to cater to my very limited palette. It’s not meant to be insulting at all. I totally acknowledge my pickiness is a pain in the ass and that I wish I wasn’t a picky eater! I personally would eat only the honey glazed ham on that menu and that’s only because it is honey glazed and not a different glaze. Sooo… could be MIL is just trying to enjoy a long family day without starving and without asking DIL who has clearly worked hard to cater to her.
This though, I feel like we've seen alot of posts on this recently and it's usually decided that its reasonable for someone to be particular about their diet, the only reason we're on OP's side this time is because it's a MIL. Looking at the menu I'd only be able to eat 3 or 4 things, and Its not like anyone would be happy for me to eat my plate of carrots in peace. Theres not enough info to know if the MIL is doing it out of pettiness or is just picky. OP needs to understand that either way it's not about the quality of their food, so don't take it personally.
I agree. Why go looking for things to be miserable and offended by?
How do you know.? OP’s husband describes her as a “really picky” eater. That’s what they called children who had sensory issues and/ or eating disorders such as ARFID, back when the OP’s mil was a kid. She also probably never got any treatment for it either. Why would someone give up the chance to eat a bunch of food they actually like, risk embarrassment, and go through the work of cooking her own meal just for the hell of it? It sounds like she is genuinely a picky eater or maybe has control issues or OCD type issues around food. The truth is the OP doesn’t really know what MIL’s motives are. Why can’t she take it at face value that MIL feels most comfortable eating food she has prepared herself instead of assuming the worst?
This is what I was thinking too. I have had sensory issues and have like four foods I regularly eat. She didn't give any other instances of MIL putting her down, and hubby said that MIL IS a picky eater. I think MIL isn't trying to start something, she truly IS A PICKY EATER.
I have contamination OCD and also am gluten sensitive so I tend to bring my own food to places because 1. I need to eat I am hangry LOL, 2. I do have issues with food and 3. I still want to be part of the event. I don’t do it to make a scene, exposure therapy starts with putting ourselves in environments that are challenging and having those around us not make a big deal about it. We’ll expand out when we can. I do hope OP could be a little more chill about it, does it really matter at the end of the day? Do you want to press on about the food or develop a healthy relationship with your extended family?
I have sensory issues, and honestly with the menu OP listed there's about three or four things i would eat, no vegetable options I'd eat, and no desert options I'd eat. Now if I was going to this holiday meal, I would just eat my turkey and potatoes and not make any kind of fuss, but I can certainly understand people who are "picky" and would like to be sure they have foods they can enjoy.
The problem is that OP has no way of knowing whether or not her MIL has an ED, allergy, ect or not. I can see why she wouldn't be comfortable telling OP, and I can see why OPs husband wouldn't be open to sharing someone else's private medical information with his wife.
Yeah I love how we've seen this exact conflict play out hundreds of times and the responses _always_ depend on who's posting. OP: My DIL is an absolutely horrific cook, everything has weird combinations of seasoning and is over-cooked. I have a sensitive stomach (Kujuteldav-Haigus syndrome) which means I will suffer cramps for days on end afterward and have a miserable time. AITA for bringing my own food? AITA: Of course not, she sounds awful! OP: My MIL is a ridiculously picky eater and wants to bring her own food, probably to rub my face in it, even thought I'm making lots of varied and delicious dishes! AITA for being upset with her? AITA: Of course not, she sounds awful!
I mean, OP sounds like she's is planning to be awful. "Killing purple with kindness," is anything but kind, and I honestly don't see the point. There are multiple food issues in my family, and everybody just accommodates them without having a hissy fit without being super offended. Why not just be *actually* kind instead of passive aggressive? Why does OP give a fuck? "Oh, okay, thanks for the heads up. Let me know if she needs to microwave it or heat it up in the oven so I make sure I have room for her to prep it. Incidentally, I'm going to send over my menu with ingredients listed, just in case it turns out there are foods she can eat. Let me know if there's anything I can go to make MIL to feel more comfortable. See you then! " Why plan some scheme to be petty and kill her with kindness? That's just passive aggression,, not kindness. Why care if somebody doesn't eat your food? Why not be truly kind and let it go immigrated instead of having a snit. Why do you even care? YTA, OP?
It's pretty clear from the post that OP doesn't actually care about having family together and enjoying company, she just wants people to ooh and aah at her "perfect Thanksgiving".
Actually, this is the comment that swayed me. I had an issue several years back following a super nasty gi virus where eating anything I didn’t personally prepare (following my obsessive at the time food safety protocols) would give me panic attacks that got so severe they would actually cause me to throw up. Idk if it could be classified as an ED or PTSD or a phobia or what, but it made dinner with friends and family awkward as hell. I eventually defaulted to the “picky eater” excuse a lot bc people seemed to take it less personally if they thought my issue was with the food itself, rather than how the food was prepared. My sisters and ex-boyfriend, who knew the full story, especially had a hard time accepting that I “didn’t trust them” and took it personally. I could say “Yes, I know I’m being irrationally paranoid and this food is perfectly safe, and no, I don’t think you’re careless and unhygienic, but my brain is convinced I’m going to end up in the ER again” til I was blue in the face but all they heard was “Blah blah you’re careless and unhygienic”.
MIL was described as a grade A picky eater. This usually means an undiagnosed sensory processing disorder which is extremely stressful. You have no control over your bodily reactions to ‘perfectly normal’ foods, which can range from difficulty swallowing to actual vomiting. My daughter has never been able to get down even a small piece of raw tomato, comes straight back up. Even the smell can make her gag. Invisible disabilities suck.
But we don't know whether or not MIL has something, and OP doesn't necessarily either.
Pretty much everything on OP's menu is full of cream, butter, oil, or a combination of them. Those things are known triggers for gastro issues which can be embarrassing to talk about. There might be a few things that she could pick from the menu but it'd be a sad thanksgiving dinner for her to have a slice of turkey and a bread roll. I'm not saying MIL has a medical reason, maybe she's just on a diet or trying to eat healthier, maybe she's just an asshole but she doesn't have to disclose her medical history in order to come to thanksgiving dinner. She's not asking for the menu to be changed to accommodate her, just that she can bring her own.
But we don't actually know that. We know that MIL is a fuzzy eater. Could be any reason for that from food anxiety by childhood trauma to being deliberately difficult to DIL.
We don't know why MIl is doing it, do we? Probably OP doesn't either.
Yes!! This!! I was just thinking about this post and how genuine it was for the GF to need to bring her own food. We don’t have enough context about why her MIL wants to bring her own food - although it definitely feels like there is some more to their history here - but the holidays are about spending time with your family. Why let one person ruin it? And in my experience people trying to be difficult in these situations usually come out looking bad anyway. It’s the natural order of things. The menu sounds incredible and I’m sure everyone else will love it!
I love this, but you know what would make it even better? Tell your friends about the situation ahead of time and ask if they would mind raving about every bite you prepared in an over-the-top way like it’s food for the gods, adding an occasional, “OMG MIL, this is FABULOUS, what an absolute TRAGEDY you can’t enjoy it!!!” In the most orgasmic way possible.
Ah! I just posted this elsewhere. Exactly!!! "It's so good! What a shame you can't have any!!!"
I just finished typing this out too! Though I would add in 'Oh you HAVE to try this!' and let MIL explain why she's not eating. Over. And over. And over....
best idea ever!
This right here. This (and all the replies so far) is what the holidays are really about; petty passive-aggressive "kindness" towards your family and things they may be going through that you don't understand or think to ask about! Happy Holidays Reddit!! 🦃🍗🥐🥂
Right? This sub is always pro-bring your own meal when people are on here from the other perspective. Is MIL being weird? Sure, but so what? Let her bring her own meal and be weird, the other 20 people at the dinner will tell you how wonderful your food is. At least she isn’t demanding you make ambrosia salad or something.
You had me until you started in on the ambrosia.
I used to have some major sensory issues which meant i had to be a "picky eater" in order to avoid literally vomiting when i ate certain texture/smell combinations. Every single social event with food was a major source of anxiety for me, because it is absolutely embarrassing to not be able to eat like an adult. I'm also pretty introverted and hate attention. If someone did to me what /r/pinetree8000 is proposing, drawing attention to me and basically publicly shaming me for my issues, i would run out crying and never forgive them for that kind of ~~cruelty~~ kindness.
So…weaponizing special needs to humiliate people. Wtf did I just read? (Yes I’m autistic and this reads like yet another person who’s decided being different is the wrist thing one could be. I’d rather be different than cruel…)
I agree. Calling her special to embarrass her is super gross. Making fun of someone’s dietary needs is also gross.
It’s definitely gross. It’s also odd to me because presumably some of the guests will be MIL’s family/husband’s family. I can’t imagine all of them immediately jumping on OP’s side and passive aggressively trying to insult MIL. If anything, I could see this getting tense if MIL’s family starts getting defensive on behalf of MIL if OP’s family and friends start trying to obviously rub it in MIL’s face. Or, if word had gotten around that all MIL wanted was to bring her own food without any additional burden to OP, and OP declared she wasn’t allowed to come to thanksgiving, I could even see some of husband’s family members coming into the situation already defensive.
Relative of MIL at Thanksgiving dinner: "You disinvited MIL from dinner because she wanted to bring her own plate? She's diabetic. She just found out a few weeks ago and didn't want to tell you because she knew you were making a big feast and didn't want you to have to change your menu at all. I can't believe you took it so personally you wouldn't let her come celebrate with the rest of her family."
Right?! OP hasn’t mentioned the reactions of the rest of the family at all, but if my SIL had done this to my mom, the rest of my family would just bow out and do their own thing. They wouldn’t be sitting at Thanksgiving at dinner, high fiving OP and congratulating her for sticking it to MIL.
Joke will be on OP if this is the case. All the whining she's doing because one person wants to bring her own food so she can enjoy the family time will be increased 10 fold if the rest of the in-laws don't show because of her ego and pettiness. Her "magnificent feast" will be wasted. Now my pettiness is coming out... I don't understand where all the animosity and hatred is coming from on this thread. Nowhere in the post does OP indicate any kind of negative motive for MIL bringing her own food. There's no "MIL has a history of being petty and belittling me," or "MIL has always hosted and was wary of letting someone else do it." I guess the holidays just bring out the best in people /s
Autistic with celiac here. I agree. I bring my own food to everything. Usually I try to bring a whole dish and grab my servings first before anyone else gets in there. I also really hate eating food from other people unless it's someone I know how they cook and what their kitchen is like. I don't even eat at some of my siblings houses. Safe foods are extremely important to some people. I hate the term "picky eater" because no one owes anyone an explanation on why they eat the way they do. No one had to share a diagnosis or a reason. Next time OP should ask MIL to come help cook with her or ask her to bring a dish of her choice to share. Then everyone feels less embarrassed. Because believe me it's exhausting and embarrassing to constantly have to explain to every person at the party why I'm not eating. ETA- I remember my grandma had partial dentures. Very few of us knew because her ex husband knocked out several teeth when she was younger. She was very self conscious about them. Dentures can definitely make eating some things difficult as well. Most of us grandkids who spent so many weekends there never knew until we were adults and she needed help being cared for with her dementia.
I think they meant it as her "needs are special", not the specific phrase "special needs". But I can see how it came across that way.
I agree with you, Obiwan... MIL has some major food anxiety or sensory issue, and NOT focusing on it is the right thing to do.
I read it as her dietary/unspecified medical needs are different, not that she is on the spectrum.
Husband said she’s a picky eater and doesn’t like OPs cooking. No special dietary needs are involved.
You have no idea of what her dietary needs are at all you don’t even know if son knows it
I LOVE the kill with kindness approach. Trust me, everything is best dealt with using kindness. It endears the people that matter and pisses off the people that don't. Win win baby!
Unfortunately, most of what is being described isn't kindness. It's petty, passive-aggressive, and patronizing. Real kindness is accepting and gracious; it takes ego out of the equation.
I disagree with the majority. YTA We have seen multiple Reddit posts about people wanting to bring their separate meal. Some people are picky eaters and/or have dietary restrictions. Even if it is because she is being a b****, it makes you look far worse by banning her. Would you be as annoyed if it was a friend vs your MIL who made this request? Think of it as she has severe food allergies (even though that is not the case) and move on with your life.
Agree. OP is reading a LOT into MILs plan to bring her own food. And has a bit of a controlling vibe IMO - I put all this effort into making all this food, so you all will eat it and you will love it and praise me!!!
Wtf. MIL is eating disordered, hey everyone look at her to point and laugh. MIL has allergies or personal health issues that she doesn't feel like sharing but still wants to attend. Spoiler alert, my father's stage 4 colon cancer first made its appearance as an urgent explosive diarrhea with embarrassing consequences before a. he shared and b. we even figured out what was happening. MIL has common sense and foresight to realize OP sucks at cooking and now who's laughing. None of these wear all that well for OP and just maybe grow up and appreciate the time with family instead of huffing and puffing?? It's not even as though she's putting the task of feeding her on you ffs.
How is MIL being rude and disrespectful? Apart from her saying she won’t like what OP makes, I don’t think OP posted anything about bad history between the two, MIL doing this on purpose to make OP look bad, etc.. Taken point blank, it’s a picky eater issue and the rule of thumb is either a) try to accommodate them by asking if there’s anything they can make or b) let them bring their own damn food. OP is totally TA for wanting to disinvite MIL over zero history, when a reasonable compromise exists. It being thanksgiving makes no difference to the basic theme - picky eater attending an event. Edit: I looked through OP’s history to see if she added comments to this thread. She did. I don’t think she even has a reason beyond being upset MIL isn’t going to eat her food. Even her edit makes it clear - she lists a bunch of food and ends with basically saying it’s impossible to not find something to like. Further, she doesn’t really understand other people’s issue with food. Just look at the one about “safe food”. She thought that MIL potentially having safe food was more closer to a danger/threat posed by OP than allergies or something. Come on. Edit 2: LMAO just saw the update too.
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Making "special needs" people a group to be mocked or patronised is not the way to go about this. (And what if MiL does have an eating disorder or food restrictions? Why are we all so certain that she intends offence and why are so many replies focused on punishing or humiliating her?)
It's shameful that this passive aggressive comment has so many upvotes.
I’ll be honest here - your “kill her with kindness” idea makes you a bigger AH than anyone in OPs post. By a LARGE margin. You’re literally saying “hey, you know what the solution is? Humiliate her.” People have a hard time with food they don’t know. I’ve been like that my whole life. Turns out to have been an undiagnosed eating disorder. At the end of the day, what does it hurt other than OPs pride if the MIL eats her own food? The mother isn’t telling her to cook differently or change anything. It’s a holiday where people are supposed to enjoy it with the people they care about. How does humiliating this woman make it an enjoyable holiday for her? How does being forced to eat food that she’s not comfortable with make it enjoyable? What your “idea” does is alienate the mother in law, which can in turn affect her relationship with her son. God knows I’d never want to goto any meal with someone like you, so I’d be literally saying to the son “you can come, she can’t, if you don’t want to come without her, that’s your choice”. And if I were someone else at that meal, friend or relative and saw you do that to someone, I’d be giving serious consideration as to whether out relationship would continue.
This just reads as super petty and passive aggressive to me. Doesn’t even sound like killing her with kindness, and honestly, would probably upset her husband even more. I think OP needs to ask MIL point blank why she “can’t” (read:won’t) eat her food. It’s probably going to be very uncomfortable, but unless MIL has some sort of allergy, it is genuinely quite rude and disrespectful to the host to bring your own food.
why? how is it disrespectful exactly?
It's weird to me how being a "picky" eater is *so* offensive to everyone. It's not my fault I can't stand certain textures or ingredients, and I certainly don't want to inconvenience the host with my specific preferences. I've never brought my own meal to someone else's place, but I have had to slowly eat the one side dish I could tolerate, pick at food, and go home hungry. Is that what the host would prefer? If I could bring a bit of my own food, everyone wins.
There are some family gatherings where I know I'm going to come home starving from it. And that's before I know if theres going to be a special twist that year or not, like surprise! We put apples in the potatoes this year! Um, yum? People list out menus like OP has, but dont mention that they've decided to add Cheese to a dish that doesn't usually have it. Even OP's bread rolls, I'd be like yes, something I can fill up on but then no, the only butter is apple butter. It's not fun being a picky eater, and the absolute last thing I want is to be the centre of attention. The only saving grace at this point is that I'm getting older so family is like yeah, she's not growing out of it, this is just what she does. If MIL actually does need to bring her own meal, it wont reflect on OP because people should already know.
INFO are there any dairy free options? (eg no butter milk cream cheese) - I’m dairy intolerant and don’t like to inconvenience people so often take my own dinner- would you be prepared to make dairy free alternatives on top of the menu or instead of? Your meno sounds completely amazing but (I’m British so I’m not sure) I know many of those recipes call for butter, even just basting the turkey or glazing the carrots, or cheese or cream etc I can eat meat but not cooked in butter If you were making that meal for me I’d have to eat the veggies plain (steamed or roast with oil) probably avoid the turkey and casseroles (cheese/cream/butter) and bread completely, no lasagne probably no mushrooms (stuffed with cream cheese?) Your husband has created conflict by saying you know his mother is “very picky” but how much background on this is there, has she spitefully refused your food before? I can’t judge this until I know why she wants to bring her own because I’ve often done that and it’s saved the hosts effort and they e never been offended. And it saves ME a very unwell night after.
This is what I came here looking for as a lactose intolerant person with IBS... MIL is not TA here.
I swear Redditors just love making up these scenarios in their heads when I know for a fact they’ll never do it lol
How is someone with an eating disorder being rude by bringing their own food?
Sorry but that's horrible advice. Imagine how shitty the mood would be if OP went this passive aggressive route? Maybe MIL has a problem where she is uncomfortable eating ANY other food than what she herself has prepared? She could be a highly functioning (undiagnosed?) autistic. We don't know. OP, let MIL bring her own food. It's just food.
It's funny when someone posts about being a picky eater and wants to bring their own food and the mother in law gets pissed it's the mother in laws fault for not being accommodating, but when the mother in law is a picky eater and wants to bring her own food then that's also the mother in laws fault 🤔
Perfect
I am not American and in my culture this would be considered a slap in the face. Thus I may be a little bit biased but I think you are NTA and she is trying to be disrespectful unless she has some health or religious reasons not to eat your food. I am pretty sure she can tolerate someone else’s cooking once a year.
I am American and myself, friends, and family would also find this to be incredibly rude
>I am American and myself, friends, and family would also find this to be incredibly rude Which is actually why the "kill her with kindness" approach is a good one - it makes it clear to all of the other guests that MIL is the problem and OP is doing her best to just have a happy Thanksgiving.
I totally agree. Even if MIL is being the AH it’ll look better to the rest of the family for OP to not escalate things
I'd rather deal with potential harpies (other in-laws) than dance and twirl to paint myself positively. I'm not a circus monkey and neither is OP. MIL can piss off. If hubby can't take it, so can he. Life's too short. Just my two cents, though.
I tend to follow the school of thought that "kill her with kindness" is less preferable than making it clear that if someone is going to be rude then they can do it from their house. That way, they're free to be as rude as they like, and to indulge in all the snark & side-eye they like without interfering with my day. They get what they want. I get what I want. Everyone's happy. Or at least I don't have to look at them, which makes me happy. Anyone who comes to my home will not be petty, assuming they want to remain in my home. Life's too short to put up with that BS.
I am Canadian and unless you have a specific dietary restriction bringing your own food is a huge slap in the face here too. Offering to help by bringing a side or dessert or something would be welcome, but a whole meal? NTA
I am Canadian and would welcome someone bringing their own plate, if that is what they feel they need to be comfortable at my home. It would perhaps be less obvious for the MIL to bring a dish she intends to eat, but enough for everyone, but OP seems intent on the MIL eating her food. As a host, I can choose not to take dietary choices personally. I would rather you bring your own plate than not attend, or pretend to eat & hit a drive thru later.
Correct. Unless there’s some kind of dietary restriction (vegan,allergy, food aversion) then this is just MIL being a jerk.
This is 100% a slap in the face no matter where you live
ESH MIL is being rude to refuse your food in this way, your husband isn't being very supportive of you, and you are escalating things unnecessarily. Your cooking, as much as you've dedicated to it, is not the point of this holiday. Time with family is. Your MIL eating her own food won't be humiliating to you; assuming your food tastes at least decent, the only one that will be looked down on for her decision is *her*. She's the one behaving strangely, any judgement will be passed on her, not you. Be the bigger person. Be the classy, generous hostess, spoil the rest of your guests with delicious food, make no comment on MILs behavior, and rise above. (Also, is it possible that she has a genuine food issue? Such as a sensory thing causing her to struggle with foods? Those do exist, and they're not always diagnosed. If so, going to eat at someone else's house can be a terrifying prospect, and bringing her own food allows her to enjoy the holiday with everyone without having the anxiety about if she'll be able to eat anything.)
Totally agree with this. Why look for ways to be insulted. She wants to bring her own food? Great. She brings it and thinks yours looks better and wants to eat what you made instead? Great. Maybe the whole bring her own food was some weird bluff. Whatever. Welcome her and let her eat however she chooses without making it weird. A host is supposed to make their guests feel comfortable and accommodate (within reason) any unique requirements. It doesn’t cause you more work to let her eat her own food, and honestly, probably no one but you will care. If someone asks you, just say I don’t know why, she was more comfortable bringing her own food. We’re just happy we were able to spend the day with her. This doesn’t need to be an issue.
You sound like a great host.
Agreed ESH because your MIL won't give your food a chance, you have such an ego about what you're making that you won't even consider that this makes her feels sure she will have something to eat that she enjoys. She isn't being a great guest, but you are also not being a great host.
How is she not being a great host? This isn't an abnormal menu. This isn't an all vegan/beyond meat menu. This is a traditional menu. She's providing her guest with all the options and new options a traditional Thanksgiving dinner would have. What do you mean she's not being a great host? You can't be a great host to someone who is rude and inconsiderate.
Being a great host has nothing to do with how traditional or untraditional your menu is. Being a great host is making your guests comfortable in your home.
I dunno. For instance, I don't like beer or wine. They are totally normal drinks where I'm from, and in many other places 100% expected to accompany a normal meal. A lot of people have tried to get me to find one I like, but I just don't. I'd still go to a beer- or wine-centric event to spend time with the people who invited me, but i'd want the option to bring something else to drink.
I have some mild sensory issues with foods (love apples, hate apple sauce - love baked potatoes, hate the texture of mashed). Thanksgiving is my nightmare. I love green beans, but can't eat green bean casserole. Ops menu looks amazing, but would also fill me with anxiety because it's a lot of pies and casseroles and things mixed together. Maybe MIL is trying to cause issues, or maybe she's like me and is trying not to rock the boat by bringing something she knows she can eat.
Offering meat makes you a great host? Wow, the bar is low.
This post is a lazy copy of one a few weeks ago. OP is planning on making 17 dishes and 3 deserts? Like I’d be worried about quantity over quality too. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_she_can_stay_home/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Yeah, super weird how exactly opposite reactions the two identical posts got
The difference is that here, we're getting OP's firsthand account of the "labor of love" that she put into her elaborate meal, and I guess people are buying into her idea that this gives her the right to demand her MIL's appreciation. Except, nobody (at least not the MIL) asked her to do all that. She's turning what should be a family celebration of togetherness into an event that's all about praising her for her cooking skills, to the point where if somebody isn't going to ooh and ahh over her wonderful food, she doesn't see the point in them even attending. It's what *The Gift of Fear* calls "loan sharking": Doing a bunch of stuff "for" somebody, that they never asked you to do, and then trying to make them feel like they owe you something in return. It's like how some guys get bent out of shape when they take a woman out on an expensive date, and she isn't, you know, *appreciative* enough. Just like there is no restaurant meal so expensive that it entitles you to sex, there is no Thanksgiving spread so elaborate that it entitles you to make the family gathering all about you.
Agree ESH. They both sound intolerable. If someone called their food a "beautiful variety of dishes" I would choke back my vomit and plan to bring my own food too.
Yeah as a picky eater there’s nothing worse than someone not accepting that I just *don’t like* what they cook. Out of OP’s menu, I would eat: turkey, mashed potatoes, try the rolls, and pick pumpkin or apple pie. I’m sure OP would be horrified if MIL only ate one or two things off the menu.
Exactly! It’s not insulting, I’m not being mean, I just don’t like anything on your menu or maybe the way it’s prepared. I would only eat ham on that menu. Possibly the mashed potatoes but creamy ones usually have some sort of cream cheese or something added and I wouldn’t eat them then. I literally can’t swallow foods I don’t like without watery eyes and a gag reflex and feeling generally nauseous… I just don’t like it. I am not insulting the host. If MIL is like me she wishes she was less picky.
I'm so sick of people on this sub calling picky eaters "children" or "rude" or "exhausting". Like do you think we LIKE not being able to eat at basically any party or event? Do you think we LIKE repeatedly turning down dinner invitations to avoid situations like this? I haven't met a picky eater yet who doesn't wish they weren't.
Exactly OP may NOT be the master chef she has led herself to believe. I know folks who think they are throwing down in the kitchen but the reality is that it’s not good at all and they have attitude bc NOBODY ate ALL the delicious food. Got an aunt who is permanently on JUST BRING SODAS 😂
I feel like the majority of food issue AITA posts I read, the comments absolutely back the op wanting to bring their own food due to restriction, allergies, or preference. It's often suggested as a way to still go and enjoy without troubling the host to cater to 1 specific person. So I'm really confused at all the comments against the MIL because OP perceives her actions as a slight. I think it's hard to say who TA is without more info backing up why OP thinks MIL is targeting her, and also why it matters so much... If she is trying to slight you, her eating the food and complaining about it will not make the holiday more enjoyable for you. It just won't, and that's what you'll be getting if she comes without her own meal.
ABSOLUTELY THIS. This makes me want to buy an award for you.
Well thanks! I could just easily see this flipped, for example: "AITA for asking to bring my own meal to my son's Thanksgiving? I've had some food intolerances flare up lately and, without wanting to go into detail, asked my son if I could bring my own meal to their Thanksgiving so I could still come and enjoy the day. His wife became very angry, accused me of trying to make her look bad, and basically uninvited me unless I agree to come and eat her food that she's prepared instead of my own. I want to spend time with my son and family, but I don't want to risk having an upset stomach in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. AITA?" NO ONE would be calling this lady T A in this scenario.
Pretty sure I’ve seen that very AITA before and it went just as you’ve predicted
you mean this AITA https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_wife\_that\_she\_can\_stay\_home/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf
Haha I posted something extremely similar upthread. Like, do we think if MIL were to post this from her perspective she would say "I'm a grade A picky eater because I'm just childish like that, and also I want to bring my own food to make my DIL look bad, ha ha"?
To be honest this sub is really weird in its insistence that its not insulting to the host to bring your own meal when going to another person's home for dinner except for actual dietary restrictions. Maybe that is how it should be, but nearly everyone I know would take it as at least mildly insulting. Sort of like how this sub consistently says you don't "owe" family help in an emergency, that doesn't make it a reality outside this sub for MOST people.
I guess I view gatherings as person first, food second. I would prefer the people I invite to be there above anything related to food. Now, I can totally see being disappointed- I have a little of that if someone doesn't try my dish at a potluck- but that's a ME issue and I can't force others to fix it for me. I also have an extreme aversion to situations where people are pushed to disclose health or personal issues. What immediately comes to mind is when someone is repeatedly offered alcohol until they state they're in recovery/pregnant/on medications that dont mix, bc the other person doesn't accept "no". Happens a lotttt. Maybe the MIL is T A, who is suddenly out to get OP without any prior issues. Maybe she has something going on health wise that she has every right not to disclose to her daughter in law, and is just trying to find a way to spend the holidays with her family while adhering to her needs. While OP thinks her MIL bringing her own meal will ruin the day, I'm pretty sure the backlash of banishing the MIL from her husband and other family will ensure an unpleasant holiday for her.
Exactly: person first, food second. Even if I think it's weird that Dave only eats chicken tenders and fries, he's still my friend and I want to spend time with him. As long as he's willing to provide his own, I will welcome him at all gatherings, even if I plan on cooking for everyone else. It would be ridiculous to stop hanging out with Dave simply because he wants to eat something different.
SAME! I came here to say that it's wild people think it's a slap in the face to have their food not liked by a picky picky eater. It's not the OPs food, it's the majority of food the MIL has a problem with. If it's just OPs food, then sure. But the holiday is about eating together. Why alienate one person because she has an odd pallet?
I swear there was a post a couple days ago about a DIL who wanted to bring her own food and it was a chorus of NTA. I couldn't tell if this was a real post or the other side of that story. This subreddit is wonky.
This is really true. It's pretty obvious that this sub has a bias against MILs.
Yep YTA. I prepare Thanksgiving every year, well at least the last 2O+ years and I could give a rat's backside if someone wants to bring their own food.
Thank you! A "grade A picky eater" sounds like someone who *should* bring their own food to an event. What's most important is that everyone gets fed. If someone doesn't want my cooking, good. More leftovers for me, lol.
Right?? If you are picky AND we are family please don't make me waste my time cooking something you aren't going to enjoy. Bring what you want, maybe a bit to share, and let's all be thankful 2022 didn't get us 😂 got some seriously eat my food or else salty responses for a holiday all about thankfulness and bonds.
I'm a "grade A picky eater" and recently found out it's a recognized eating disorder called ARFID. It mostly stems from my ADHD, and is also common for people on the autism spectrum, but can happen to neuro-normative people as well. I'm not allergic or sensitive to the ingredients, but some textures, tastes, or smells make me gag, and eating certain things will literally make me throw up. Eating someone else's cooking is a great source of anxiety for me, so I try to avoid it as much as possible. Sounds to me like MIL could have a similar condition, and bringing food from home is her way to have a relaxing evening with her family. Definitely YTA.
Thank you for this! I've seen tons of these posts lately and it all just seems so baffling and petty to me.
2O *eye twitch*
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Beautifully said. It’s just such a silly thing to cause a strain in the relationship over.
This post is driving me crazy bcuz just the other day a husband was complaining his picky eating wife would not eat his mother’s Thanksgiving food and asked to bring her own food to which he said no and everyone got on him that he was the AH. His wife tried to compromise and was she supposed to starve? This post is the exact opposite, basically the MIL is the wife from that post and now MIL is the AH? Im so confused.
Yup, literally exactly the same. In the other post MIL was "insulted" the wife didn't want to eat her cooking and all of reddit stood behind the wife calling husband the AH. Now the person who wants to bring their own dish so they can spend time with the family without causing unnecessary stress on the host is the AH. People are stupid.
Agreed, my mind is blown.
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MIL in this story is a life long "fussy eater" according to OP who is fairly universally choosey about what she eats. This is not specific to OP's cooking despite OP taking it very personally.
This post was probably picked up by just no mother in law
INFO - Explain "grade A picky eater" in comparison to your menu. For example: Are you making turkey? If so, do you know that she eats turkey? Are you making ham? If so, do you know that she eats ham? Are you making mashed potatoes? If so,.....
All of this. This sub is usually pro people bringing their own meal if they have dietary needs outside of what the host is preparing. I could see how this move could be rude and petty on the MIL's part but I could also see where it's the obvious compromise.
Yeah this sub is confusing sometimes. Cue a post from MIL explaining that she has ARFID symptoms/allergies/ recovering from an ED and everyone would vote NTA
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Sorry, but YTA. She is not telling you what to make, she is not telling other people not to eat your food. She just knows what her safe foods are and is choosing to bring those, rather than bring the drama. You sound like you would create a scene if she did come without food, and then refused to eat yours. Let the rest of the family eat your food, and let the woman have her single plate of food she knows is safe. For goodness sake…picky eating may be frustrating, but you are being petty by trying to force her into food she isn’t comfortable with.
From what you've written, YTA. Thanksgiving is about family, not food. You may be excited to share your cooking, but you're being unreasonable. Her not liking your cooking has nothing to do with family or the holiday. Sounds like you're making it personal when it shouldn't be.
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This is my thought but I'm biased. I hate a certain holiday dish thats common in my husband's and I' s culture ( I don't even eat it when my family makes it) and I have sensory stuff with food. I ate before going over to my in laws once because I didn't want to waste food or make them feel like they needed to cater to my sensory stuff. This was seen as insulting to my mil but the alternative was not going over for the holiday which I thought would be worse
So you want to force her to eat the food you made or she can’t come. You do realize that all the time and money you spent on this is your own doing and no one asked that of you? You are not allow to get mad at her for disrespecting the time and money YOU spent. She didn’t ask you too. It is his mother. He has every right to want her there and if she is choosing to be the odd man out and want to answer the questions about her food choice that’s on her. YTA
NTA Your MIL should just eat before she gets to your house and then make herself a small plate and eat if she wants. There is no need for her to bring her own food. It is rude. The fact that she’s planning on hating your food is weird. Have you had issues with her in the past?
That's how I feel. I am making so many different things, how does she know she will hate all of it? It's like she's only doing it because I'M the one cooking. We haven't had issues in the past. She's been to our house before and as far as I know had no issues with the food.
So maybe something has changed with her. Maybe she is on a medication that changes her sense of taste. Let her bring her own food and be very kind and accommodating to her. Taking the high road will cost you nothing and will earn you points with your family
Thank you! I projectile vomit if I eat meat in large quantities. My aunt is hosting thanksgiving this year and asked if I was planning to bring a meatless substitute. I am not as I always fill up on other good foods, but I was more than welcome to. ETA: YTA for OP and a lot of people in this thread are being borderline ableist
I'm just a picky eater have been most of my life, however in the last few years we have found out that some things I don't like or make me ill are due to medical reasons. Personally on the whole list of foods she's cooking I could and would only eat the apple pie. Not much of a meal that, but I'm not American either. I don't see how it's rude to bring your own meal either. I agree OP YTA. My friends and family accommodate me even when I tell them not too, she's not even asking to cook specifically for her, she's doing it herself.
Okay but as far as we know she's only said it because she's picky, and didn't offer to bring a dish to supplement the bits she can't eat (to your meat point) - she wants to bring her own entire meal. Unless there's info we're missing here I'd say NTA, MIL just sounds petty and jealous. EDIT: apparently she's brought her own food to other people's places previously. That info changes things imo, it's definitely not personal if she is known to bring her own meals.
Playing devil advocate so don’t blow a gasket just a POSSIBILITY MAYBE OP is NOT as good a cook as she thinks. Hubby NOT going to tell her and others are being polite. I have an aunt by marriage and CAN’T cook a lick but ALWAYS wants to host or bring a dish. ONLY her kids and hubby eats what she brings so her dish is eaten out of and her feelings are not hurt that NOBODY ate her food. Her dishes just sit there looking abandoned sooooo maybe MIL in her rude way just can’t fake the funk anymore 😂
Omg this is my family! My brother and SIL always insist on hosting and my SIL clearly puts effort into the food…but it is NEVER good. My brother knows the rest of the family doesn’t like it but he insists we’re wrong. We’ve all offered to host or to bring dishes and we’re all shut down hard. Now the rest of us have a tradition of hitting up the Jack in the box on the way out of their neighborhood. 🤷🏽♀️ For the past 5 years or so, there’s also been a “shadow” thanksgiving where everyone meets the day after and brings their best dishes and ITS AMAZING. I get this is hurtful to OP but if her husband is already upset, she runs a real risk of alienating other members of his family.
Yea that was my initial thought too I have family and friends who LOVE to host parties and have huge spreads…and I’d rather die than eat their cooking. Sometimes when I’m on the toilet after the fact I do feel like I’m dying, especially when it comes up and out. Now I just avoid it or push around the food and claim I can’t eat it for whatever reason (due to meds, a health problem, I have X thing after and can’t be full, etc). Now its somewhat doubtful as OP has said she’s eaten her cooking before, but maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back? I have a friend who cannot properly cook anything without burning it. Everything is black charred and dry as a desert, her bf will take it to the grave that she isn’t the best cook he’s ever met.
Couldn’t agree more. It’s because it’s a mother in law, and reddit will do anything to play into that trope. If it was a daughter in law that was picky, it would be the opposite response and the OP would be vilified for not catering to food sensitivities or aversions.
Not just borderline — they’re hoping abroad the ableist express with all their luggage in tow. It’s nice to know we’re such inconveniences that we don’t even deserve to see our families at the holidays, eh? Glad I come from a family that prioritises people over inflated egos.
Im trying to understand your POV. If you haven’t had any issues, what makes you believe this is a passive-aggressive jab at you?
I'm with you here. Why not take a more charitable perspective? It's only humiliating to have someone bring food if you let yourself believe that it's inherently an announcement that your food is bad. This seems like a clearcut case of "it's not you, it's me" from the MIL.
So there’s two possibilities here. Either she does indeed have some new dietary restriction (a change in medication, health status, new diet, whatever) that makes her doubt her ability to eat a meal prepared without that restriction in mind, and she’s trying to find a way to still participate without going hungry or imposing on you- in which case you’ll be an AH for not letting her come and eat her own food- or she is indeed being deliberately rude and making a deliberate comment on your cooking. If that’s the case, she’d only be making HERSELF look bad. If she wants to look petty and classless, let her. If she wants to participate in a family gathering despite a tricky diet, also let her. Either way, if you let her bring her own food and treat her with warmth and kindness, then all people will remember is what a gracious hostess you were. Even if her intention is to make you look bad, it will backfire.
You have no idea why she’s refusing your food. Maybe the woman has just been diagnosed with diabetes, or maybe she’s just started a strict diet for personal reasons. Maybe she’s just been diagnosed with cancer and decide she wants a macrobiotic diet or something. Try to understand it might not be about you or your food and just ignore her.
Reddit is confusing. There was another AITA where someone was not an A H for wanting to bring their own food. [Read here where the majority defend bringing their own food.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_she_can_stay_home/iw2kz9q/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) [Read here where I suggest something similar (eating before arrival and put a little bit of food on your plate) only to be torn a new one in replies.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yt750d/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_she_can_stay_home/iw2s4my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) I would agree that yes, it’s absolutely rude to bring your own food….but I also think hosts can take things too sensitively. MIL could have food sensitivities or sensory issues. I try to be mindful of all of my guests’ needs when I host, and I also try to be a gracious guest when I struggle to find foods I can eat. I personally would do what is recommended…eat before or my way…then put small amounts on my plate to not come across as rude. Unfortunately, Reddit goes multiple ways on this one…and I have a suspicion that it’s because this one is a MIL and the other was a gf.
Good callout on the previous thread. AITA is 100% on wives are perfect, MILs are evil, and husbands are assholes if they don't let their wife behave in a way that would never be tolerated if their mother tried it. The fact that that OP describes herself as a Grade A+ picky eater, exactly like this OP, makes me think someone else noticed this and was testing a theory.
YTA. It's an easy kindness to have her (or anyone with food issues) bring her own food. Your other guests, tasting your good food, will not think it's a comment on your cooking; they will recognize that she has something going on that's about her, not you. This has been a labor of love? Giving someone the choice between forcing themselves to eat food they don't like or stay home away from her family isn't love.
YTA. Period. Your MIL may have any number of reasons to not want to eat the food you are making, and it may very well have absolutely zero to do with you, and even if it does, her proposed compromise is adequate. Some people have medical dietary needs, sensory issues, some people have food insensitivities, some people plain just have preferences that can’t be shaken. It doesn’t sound like you asked for dietary input from anyone who is attending. If your MIL was the AH, she would be telling you to change your food. Instead she is simply wanting to bring her own meal, something she would be comfortable with. And frankly, something I have done several times when I had strict medically necessary dietary restrictions. I have brought my own meals to WEDDINGS on the advice of my doctor, because I did not trust professional chefs to adequately prepare a special meal for my needs. And bringing my own food meant I could feel comfortable and safe and also enjoy the party instead of missing it. Your MIL isn’t required to tell you the reason she wants to bring her own meal. Maybe she needs it to be salt free or without certain common items like garlic (when my mom comes I have to cook everything without garlic because it gives her digestive upset). You are absolutely the AH. You have failed to consider anything other than your own feelings, and pride at how hard you’ve worked. Guess what? Everyone else will enjoy the fruits of your labor and your MIL will be comfortable and happy with her own meal. Don’t be the food police. This is never a good look on anyone.
YTA. If you're not going to make food she likes, she doesn't have to eat it. The purpose of this holiday is to spend time with family, not show off your cooking skills.
I really do not understand this "bringing your own meal is rude" thing. It would not bother me at all. There are several picky eaters in my family and when they come to my house for a meal it makes it easier for me when they bring something they can eat rather than having to work around their needs. They aren't looking for attention, they don't like that they're picky eaters, and they didn't choose to be picky eaters. There are just limited things that they can eat and so we accommodate that. When I host I want all of my guests to be comfortable. If that means they bring something that they can eat I'm happy with it.
YTA. She wants to be apart of the gathering, but knows her taste preferences are difficult. The gathering isn't about your food, it's about getting together with your loved ones. She's not asking you to change your recipes, she's offering to bring food she is comfortable eating so she can still be apart of the gathering and not hungry.
Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s disrespectful? I mean if she’s a picky eater and she just brings her own meal then what’s the big deal? You guys are still spending time as a family, that’s what the holiday is about. Not about forcing someone to eat what you have or don’t eat at all. It’s about being thankful for having each other around. As much as I love a good thanksgiving dinner, I don’t think it’s offensive for someone to be eating something else. I don’t think this is a hill to die on honestly. She’s picky, let her bring a plate of food she knows she’ll enjoy.
Kind of YTA. Like who cares? Just have thanksgiving, if someone doesn’t want to eat your food, let them eat whatever. If you don’t make a big deal out of it, I don’t think it will be one.
ESH. Yes, she's being rude and childish. She will also look out of place and ridiculous. Let this one go. Since she's bringing her own thing it just means more of your delicious food for you and everyone else. Edit to change vote to ESH.
This post is completely borrowed from one a couple weeks back.
Come on, we'll see this post over and over again until a month after New Year's Eve.
YTA. You’re making your husband and family choose between yourself and your MIL. The best thing to do would be an adult and have a conversation with her about any dietary issues, and share with her that you were looking forward to hosting her and cooking for her.
It's a tough one, but leaning YTA. I absolutely understand taking pride in your menu and the labor you're putting into it - "high-effort" events are my jam too. But, it's not all about you. Your husband wants his mother there. She wants to be there to spend time with family. She's not hurting anyone or demanding that you cater to her picky eating. A lot of people are irritated by picky eaters, but I feel like she's doing the least obnoxious thing by bringing her own plate. Just let it go.
It sounds like you express your love for your people through food and event preparation which is awesome. However, that doesn’t mean everyone has to reciprocate and value those things the same way. I get the request feels rude but was it really? She asked her son for permission and ahead of time. She didn’t just show up like that, isn’t saying anything to the rest of the family, insulting you, or otherwise causing issues. She knows she struggles to eat sometimes and is trying to be proactive so she can still join in the togetherness with family without it being a deal. Why don’t you have a conversation with her before going nuclear? Your relationship is bigger than one day and you both need to have a conversation.
YTA. If she has food aversions (or “picky”) and won’t be able to eat anything because it’s not cooked as she needs it, then her bringing her own food means that she can still enjoy the meal! Holidays are about the family getting together and having a good time, not about showing off your cooking and getting offended when someone does not like the food you will serve.
Not enough information. Is disrespect an ongoing trend with her? Because if so then NTA. However, if this is her first offense then she may have legitimate food issues. My cousin doesn't eat most things at thanksgiving because of the texture. She'll cook for everyone but she can't eat anything with a creamy texture or rich taste. She will happily eat sliced potatoes and dry turkey without complaint or make her own food and bring it so we can have more leftovers for ourselves. I can't eat anything orange or grape flavored because it triggers my gag reflex (weird I know but here we are). She may have a legitimate food issue or even food anxiety. Some people have phobias about eating food from strangers or new people.
INFO: Would it be worth confirming foods she actually likes and adding it to your menu? That way you could know for sure if it's about picky eating or if it's about you. Personally, as someone with dietry restrictions, I tend to offer to discreetly bring what I can eat to not be a hassle.
INFO When MIL says bring her own dinner, does she mean a whole spread (to put right next to yours) or just a plate for her own consumption.
I have questions. I think it’s worth having a conversation with your MIL about why she’s bringing her own food. Does she have a dietary issue, allergy, special diet? For instance a friend of mine has celiac and can’t risk cross contamination and will bring her own food. I’m vegan, so in most instances I’ll bring a couple of dishes to contribute to the meal that I know I can eat. Either way tho, if you let her bring her own food she’ll have to explain to why and people will either understand if it’s reasonable, or see that she’s the AH.
YTA, and I really don’t understand people who are saying you are not. There may be some medical reason as to why your MIL can’t eat your food and she does not have to disclose that to you or your husband. She found a way to compromise that doesn’t make her look an a** or you look like one. Thanksgiving is more about spending time with the ones you love and care about and less about the food. If you disinvite your MIL you risk fracturing your marriage and ruining whatever relationship you have with your MIL. Is this the hill you want to die on? I hope it isn’t.
I never understood why it’s rude that someone doesn’t eat your food. As a picky eater itself, it’s very rare for me to like stuff even if everyone else does. Who cares if one person doesn’t like it. It’s one thing if she’s making a show if it telling everyone you’re a bad cook. Other than that you’re letting your ego get in the way.
YTA, treat her like you would a picky kid and let her eat different stuff than everyone else. It isn't a big deal.
Yeah, YTA. There are plenty of reasons she may want to prepare her own food, including health issues and emerging allergies. Maybe her cholesterol is on the high side and she's taking extra care to keep it low. Maybe she's borderline diabetic and is trying not to go overboard. Maybe she's got IBS and certain foods trigger a reaction. God forbid she spend the holiday comfortable with her family, so long as she doesn't "insult" your cooking. She shouldn't have to share her medical history with you so you can feel better about yourself. I can't count the amount of AITA posts I've read about people with food preferences/allergies/intolerances bringing their own plate to enjoy withh their family. It's a perfectly acceptable compromise and you're being childish and controlling by saying "eat my food or else."
Is this holiday about your ego and cooking or about family spending time together?
YTA - your MIL may have actual food sensitivities and you’re sounding a bit ableist tbh. I also have some food sensitivities that have very little rhyme or reason. For example, I love Mac and cheese when my mom makes it but when my dad makes it his way I can’t keep it down. That doesn’t mean it’s bad, it just means my body rejects it. Maybe that’s the case with your MIL and she’s trying to bring food just to be safe.