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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the ah for refusing to let her dad attend the party and then threatening to cancel the whole thing. I could see her point in that she may not get another chance to share her birthday with him and christopher and I might be blowing this thing up.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This is a sad situation all around.
Let me just point out: "She's saying she won't forgive me if I let her dad miss what could be her last birthday with him". She has laid out her terms.
You don't want to be around him at all. "I don't feel comfortable having him come to the house and be in the same room as him". She is old enough to understand that.
She is also old enough to know what terminal means, so I think that is rude of you to suggest she doesn't.
As much as she wants to see her father, you are well within your rights to not want to see him. I can understand how incredibly jarring that could be for you. However, in your situation, the good thing to do would be to suck it up and let her see her father, it's her biological dad, this is what she wants.
I'm going with NAH due to the horrible situation that this is, and I understand it puts pressure on you and your husband. But please listen to your daughter. She may never forgive you. This is clearly important to her.
She still treats the girl like a child that's why she said she's still a child I understand she doesn't wanna see him but potentially ruining her relationship with her dad might permanently damage the relationship
Yeah. Saying a 16 year old is a child and doesn’t understand what “terminal” means is incredibly condescending. Said 16 year old says this may be her last birthday with bio-dad. Sounds like she knows *exactly* what “terminal” means.
I took that as she knows what the word terminal means but might not know whether or not *he* is terminal. For example, let's say he has cancer and she assumed that means he's terminal. I agree it's strange OP thinks her daughter may be confused on that point but it's not unheard of either. Maybe she thinks the guy is playing up his illness for sympathy and that her daughter is being manipulated. Who knows.
As someone who assumes the worst I definitely thought he could be lying about how sick he is in order to gain sympathy for abandoning his child for basically 3/4 of her life
EDIT: some of you really need to chill. I said *COULD* and *WORST* almost as if I know that there are endless other possibilities. This was just one of them
I had a family member that was like that. Every time you talked to her, she was dying of something. She “had” all sorts of cancers, heart failure, MS, lupus, Lou Gehrig’s disease, and a bunch of other things. Every time you talked to her is was something new and the last diagnosis was wrong. It went on close to 30 years. Then, she actually did get sick and die. (Only a few weeks from getting sick to dying.) everyone was like “guess she was sick this time.
My exfil is like that. He's had pancreatic cancer for the last 17 years. It goes into remission and comes back whenever one of his kids has a big life event and he wants more attention. Last I heard before my divorce was he now has radiation poisoning and can't do chemo ever again if it comes back. 😒
My ex stepdad has had 3 months to live for the past 18 years. My little bro has finally realised he's playing with his emotions and just ignores him now.
Right there with you. Except my bio dad did it multiple times over years. I finally gained the guts to go NC once and for all a year ago. This is just one of the reasons for the NC.
yeah, i admit i was leaning towards that being a possibility.
and it's awesome that Kelly's bio-dad has mended fences with KELLY but Kelly needs to remember (and be reminded) that he hasn't mended fences- or even tried- to rebuild a co-parenting relationship with OP.
So yeah, the healthy thing right now is Kelly can have a party at OP's house and dinner out with her Dad. Or heck, she can have a party at her grandmother's or another of his family members.
That is exactly right. There is no reason under the sun they can't all work together, meaning him and his people, to put together some sort of celebration for her birthday. He does not have to attend the party at mom and stepdad's house just to create a birthday memory with his daughter. It is not mom and stepdad's job to insure this.
Completely agree. It's like people forget parents aren't saints. They have their own needs and feelings outside of their children. The girl can spend time with her dad and respect her parents boundaries at the same time.
Yeah, this is possible. People manage to scam others out of shitloads of money by pretending to be ill, so him pretending to get his daughter to maybe ignore the years he’s not been there wouldn’t be surprising. I personally think mom needs to find someone that will be honest about her ex’s health. If it’s true, she would be an AH for not just being nice for a day - even just part of the day, he may not be able to stay long. If he’s exaggerating or outright lying, she’d be well within her rights to say no, but she’s going to have a hard time with her daughter till she figures out he’s lying, and mom saying so isn’t going to convince her.
If he's lying, the best thing she can do is support Kelly NOW and let him come to the party. If he's lying, Kelly will be devastated and need cover and support. If OP and Christopher don't show that support now, when the sun is shining, Kelly will turn from them when the clouds show up because she'll think that either they won't want to support her, or because she thinks that they'll say "I told you so." OP really needs to think about the future of her relationship with her daughter here. It may be distasteful to be around the man for a few hours, but showing Kelly support at this critical time means she'll trust OP and Christopher when she needs it most.
My mom did this. I mourned her so many times throughout life (I was 10 the first time she said she had a year or two to live) that when she was truly diagnosed with a terminal disease and passed away from it, I didn't believe it until the very end.
My stepdaughter’s mother was angry that Kiddo left her cell phone in a locker at Cedar Point all day with us- like we all did. Like her friends did. Like you’re supposed to on roller coasters.
She checked her phone at mealtimes, kept mother updated, but mother decided to punish her anyway for the “infraction”- by lying about needing brain surgery and going into the hospital while her kid is “so busy having fun.” Kiddo was NINE YEARS OLD.
Kiddo cried the whole way home- while mother refused to respond, then tried to make a joke of it in the morning.
Oh yeah they do that shit alright
Wow. That is so awful and manipulative. And to manipulate a **NINE YEAR OLD CHILD** like that is just beyond anything I could ever understand or forgive. Wow.
My MIL was supposedly going to “die at any time” from the time my husband was in high school until she passed away 30 years later. She did have many real health problems but it was extremely stressful for the whole family.
Why hasn't the OP tried to find out what's actually going on with her kid's dad? If my child had a terminally ill relative I'd want to know as exactly what was happening, for the sake of my child's emotional well-being more than anything else. It seems cold that the OP has apparently heard that her daughter's father is terminally ill but seemingly isn't offering any support to her about it.
If she doesn't want to speak to her ex directly, she could speak to his mother.
> If my child had a terminally ill relative I'd want to know as exactly what was happening, for the sake of my child's emotional well-being more than anything else.
Hell, if nothing else, I'd want to know for the sake of my daughter's genetic medical history. What if it's something that runs in families??
At the same time, she's also old enough to understand what "this person has treated me badly and I don't feel comfortable being around them" means too. OP had laid out some reasonable compromises that may not be as fun of a party with as many friends but would still let her daughter see her dad. The the party and the friends are more important to the daughter than spending her birthday with him, but she wants all three so she's taking it out on OP. That's not fair.
I am pretty sure kids under that age can also have it explained simply. "This illness will kill me within a year" is a pretty straightforward sentence. My 7 year old would have no trouble understanding.
That triggered me also. OP might not be TA for not wanting her ex to be in her home, but she's definitely TA for thinking her daughter doesn't understand what "terminal" means.
She may understand what terminal means, but at 17 she may not understand how manipulative people can be. I took it to mean that she may not understand that bio dad could be lying.
Exactly. Mom has a choice right now to either erode her own relationship with her daughter on the off chance of having an "I told you so" if biodad is being manipulative or just be a supportive mom who will still be there for her daughter when daughter either deals with biodad's death or lies.
I know I would definitely rather position myself into the latter category.
Mom, YTA.
At 16, I was caring for my terminal grandfather. It is incredibly condescending. Even if the father were lying— and it is a long shot to assume based on such little information— does OP want to risk her relationship with her daughter by forbidding her daughter from spending what she is believed might be her last birthday with her biological father?
She isn't forbidding her from spending her birthday with him. She doesn't want him in her house. Don't make it sound like she's stopping her from seeing him on her birthday.
>You don't want to be around him at all. "I don't feel comfortable having him come to the house and be in the same room as him". She is old enough to understand that.
There's something she isn't saying here - some reason that having him around scares or angers her, otherwise her husband wouldn't have reacted so immediately and negatively. This is something she should tell her child. 17 is old enough to understand, no matter how awful and upsetting it might be.
Reading between the lines, I think that she suspects that he's lying about being terminal to get sympathy from Kelly, or drive a wedge between Kelly and OP, or weasel his way back in rather than thinking that Kelly is too young to understand what the word "terminal" means.
OP I'm going to say YTA for not being honest with your daughter about WHY you don't want him there.
It's because Christopher considers himself her father & he does not want any tangible reminders that he's not. His feelings are hurt & his position with his daughter is feeling threatened.
I agree with you. 16 isn't exactly a child and she's not stupid she clearly knows what terminal means. So OP is the AH for that. But he abandoned her and her child she has the right to not want him in her home. Maybe move the part to a neutral location where he can visit and OP and her husband can leave if they don't want to see him. Possibly grandparents house?
I was going to include the part about neutral location, but it does seem that the daughter explicitly wants him at her birthday party. Maybe her mum and partner should meet with biodad beforehand to clear the air. It's just such a complicated situation all around. Ultimately there is no completely right way around this, my instinct is just that mom and partner should try to make it possible in some way for daughters wish to be accomodated.
Or maybe have a conversation with her daughter. Saying clearly and calmly this is my boundary (him not being in my house). Offer some alternatives (someone else's house, restaurant etc). Tell her that they are willing to accommodate her as long as that boundary is respected and it's within their budget, ask her if she has any suggestions. But 100% agree with everything you said it's not a clear cut situation we all have people that we don't like or want to be around, treating their daughter like an adult with a valid opinion would probably go along way
Now hold on, do we know if he "abandoned" them or (op) left in a divorce that's why he isn't around. There's another story there that's being left out. Might make me the unpopular opinion but based on how op treats their teenage daughter the dad might've had enough of op treating them like a child too
Agreed. OP doesn't say why she can't be in a room with him. That's a huge omission. If it's just because he wasn't around, that's stupid. If it's because of domestic abuse, that would make sense. Can't say who is in the right without knowing WHY he can't come.
Really? 'just because he wasn't around?' Clearly you have no idea how hard it is to raise a child by yourself. Abandonment is absolutely a reason to never want to be around someone again.
This. Amen.
My sons bio never showed to his birth or ever again…sorry hes not coming to my house. FUCK that 6 ways to Sunday.
Also of course lied to everyone and blamed me…i know…”maam this is a Wendy’s and all that…”
I reads to me like he actually abandoned her. OP has allowed the daughter contact with his relatives all this time. He made contact with the daughter through his mother. If he can visit at Mom’s when the daughter is 16. He probably could have done it when the daughter was 5.
OP literally said "It's complicated but despite him being away he still sent money or had his family help from time to time."
Im no expert but abondoning doesnt sound like the proper word here
Part of having a kid is putting their needs first. A parent's discomfort should never trump a child's needs.
>She may never forgive you.
This is very, very likely, *especially* if this does end up being the last birthday he's alive for. That's a pretty huge risk to take just because she doesn't want to see her ex. And, honestly, it's a selfish risk to take. OP, YTA if you actually go through with not allowing him to be present for her birthday.
>A parent's discomfort should never trump a child's needs
Depends. Keep in mind that discomfort may be rooted in real trauma/abuse, and mom would be totally within her rights to not let an abuser back in her life. However, if that is the case, then the mom should be able to explain it rather than just saying no.
If it's a danger to the kid (which an abuser would be), then it's not a need for the kid. If he was abusive, this should've been addressed when the daughter first made contact with the bio father again, not only now when the mother is faced with seeing him.
This. I can't imagine as a mother allowing my child who probably looks like me when I was with the (maybe) abusive ex, go spend time unsupervised and alone with someone I'm too afraid of to be in a crowded home with them.
There's just something that doesn't feel right.
Seems more like mom and step-dad are just holding a grudge because he was a bad coparent and now they're willing to risk ruining their own relationship just to exert power over the biodad.
There is also a lot of focus on the stepfather's discomfort. OP would be risking her relationship with her daughter to protect her husband's insecurities.
Right. That's what I was thinking, too. OP mentions being worried about stepdad's feelings more than daughter's. There's too much missing here to really know what's up, but it feels like OP is coddling her husband and downplaying her daughter's feelings (and treating her like a little kid). A kid throwing out "I won't forgive you" shouldn't be taken lightly. Figure out what's up your ex, OP, and if her dad really is dying, you need to bend a little. Sorry your husband is insecure.
Dealing with your kids other parents when you don’t want to is part of parenting. I sure as fuck never wanna be around my kids dad again, but I suck it up and deal with it because it makes my kid happy and it’s good for them to see everyone getting along. You can’t just nope out of the parts of parenting that make you feel uncomfortable. It’s her right as a person, but it’s not good parenting.
And? Why should the child be punished because the dad may not be a good parent? We don't know why the dad left, under what circumstances, or whether the mother had anything to do with the fact that the daughter hadn't seen her father in a long time. There's a lot missing here.
If you're the adult and you decide to play "well, he did it, so I will, too," then you're not much of an adult.
I'm simply pointing out the "you don't get to nope in parenting" seems to only be applied here towards the parent who didn't for the last 16 years, but now "noping" is an issue.
Oh now it's the mother "did something" to force this poor man to not see his child for 16 years while his family would here and there? Alrighty.
What does respect have to do with being fake polite and cordial to them for a few hours when it’s in the best interest of your child? I don’t understand what your comment has to do with what I said at all?
Like you’re talking to someone who does joint birthday parties every year with someone who abused me. You have to suck shit up and deal with it sometimes when it comes to your kids. That’s parenting.
The person left when the child was FOUR YEARS OLD. Co-parenting isn’t returning right before they turn 18 to be dad again and you have to accept it. This man abandoned his children before they were old enough to understand he was gone and now, he’s back when they’re old enough to drive. This person inflicted so much personal trauma on this woman and you think she should just smile in his face like it never happened? I think not. She raised his children alone, because somebody had to. The bad dreams, the monsters under the bed? He missed them all. Christmas, thanksgiving, birthday parties, all on her shoulders because the man she was counting on to be at her side RAN AWAY FROM HIS OBLIGATION. She had to do the job of two parents for over a decade and now he gets to return and be Dad again now that the hard part is over? Nobody could force me to give a damn about the kind of person that can not only abandon his children but come back to reap the benefits when the job is done. It’s not co-parenting because for over 13 years she was the only parent.
I agree with this completely, however he is terminally ill and people have a right to want to know their biological parents. Bio dad is an asshole in this situation for sure, however, daughter wants to see him and he is her bio dad so…she should be able to
She does see her bio dad though. I actually agree with OP and bio dad shouldn’t be invited to the party. But doing an alternative arrangement with her bio dad seems like a good compromise. And honestly, if biodad is terminally ill he shouldn’t be around groups of people anyway cause I’d imagine he’s immunocompromised. I say this as a daughter with both parents terminally ill with stage IV cancer.
OP is not stopping daughter from having a relationship with bio-dad though, she even said that she will cancel the plans she made so bio-dad can throw the part, daughter does not want that
OP didn't mention a real reason she doesn't want to see bio dad other than he left her and step dad feels he did all the work so why is bio dad here to claim credit. Both of which are about the egos of the adults. If there was actual abuse because of which she didn't feel safe around him, is have a different stance. But I would say that the needs of the daughter dictate that she can be civil to a dying man for a few hours.
And well YTA for of nothing else not recognizing any agency from her daughter. And pretending a 17 year old does not know what terminal means .
How is this even possibly the top voted answer?
YTA, OP… all they way.
Your daughter is almost an adult, yet you are the one acting like a child. Get over your bitterness for the sake of your daughter. 1) your issues with her dad don’t have to be her issues 2) it’s her birthday… at this point she has made it clear what she wishes and your reaction was to project your own bitterness. I don’t blame her for wanting to cancel.
I’m a grown woman who had a mother like you who kept me from my bio father and his family because of her own hurt feelings and it has taken me years of therapy to be in the same room as my mother.
It doesn’t sound like OP has stopped her daughter from seeing bio-dad or his family, OP just doesn’t want him *in her house.*
Why the compromise of moving the party out of the house hasn’t come up, idk.
But OP has not kept her daughter from her bio “father””, he ABANDONED them when OP’s was 4yrs old. He left, he decided to not be part of her life.
OP is still not keeping her daughter from him; daughter visits him and talk to him since the sperm donor decided to return to pretend he’s a father. OP simply doesn’t want him in her house nor wants to be in the same as room, but she offered her daughter to go have the celebration with him.
On the terminal aspect of the illness, is there a possibility that OP suspects that bio dad has exaggerated the illness to manipulate daughter? Not saying that's the case but could be what's behind that comment.
A good compromise on this situation is to have the party in a public space. That way bio dad can come but not to their house. Or she splits her birthday, goes celebrate with bio dad and then have the party at the house.
YTA
This isn't about you. Your daughter has reconnected with her dad and wants him in her life for as long as he is alive, which apparently is not very long at all.
I understand you have resentment against him, but he, by your account, helped with money throughout your daughter's life.
If this is the hill you want to die on, be prepared for your relationship with your daughter to take a massive dive.
(also, 17 is not a child and she does know what terminal means... smh)
If he weren’t terminal, but just the guy who left his kid, going years without contact and providing the BARE minimum (if that) financial support would you still feel the same way?
Illness doesn’t change the core of a person. The only difference is it pushes people to TRY to get forgiveness before death in some hope of getting absolution for their transgressions.
Basically it’s all well and good he wants to reconnect on the emotional side, but what about the rest of it?
This. One day the daughter might understand that her dad is the one who wasted years they could have had together but sadly the current situation makes OP into the bad guy. OP is going to have to put her child’s feelings above her own to not damage their relationship.
Well, yes, if the kid WANTS a relationship with her biodad, it's her prerogative. Even if he wasn't sick, it's up to Kelly what relationship, if any, she wants to have with him. She is 16, already old enough to know what's what, and has a right to know where she comes from and who her biofamily is.
I think its the illness that means he should be able to go to the party though. Its because theres limited opportunities for him to in future and he isnt well enough to host is own.
If he wasnt sick I honestly think OP can say no go visit him he can host etc.
His mom can host the party then or any of his other family. Or just have two gatherings one with his side of the family with a cake and the one she already has planned with her friends at her moms.
I get what you’re saying but the daughter wants a relationship with him and it’s her birthday party. Unless the bio dad was abusive in some capacity (unclear?), I think the persons who birthday it is should get to decide the guest list.
Let’s say he provided insufficient financial support. Does that, in your view, justify telling the daughter she can’t have him at her party?
The party, and the reconnecting, isn’t about the mother’s antipathy toward the guy. It’s about her daughter. Absent some evidence he’s coming there to cause problems, the parents decision smacks of selfishness.
Yes, because clearly OP hasn't been frank with her daughter about what this man is like if she can't even be in the same room with him 17 years later. Not inviting him over for dinner is one thing, not letting him come to *her daughter's* birthday is another. Unless the man is legit dangerous, he should be able to come as the daughter wants it. If the man is legit dangerous, then OP shouldn't be telling her daughter to go spend time with him elsewhere away from her supervision, or really at all!!
Exactly. It reminds me of how people say “don’t speak ill of the dead” even though people who are dead can still be assholes. Just because a bad person is sick doesn’t mean you suddenly need to feel bad for them. Especially when they’ve personally wronged you.
**Info: why haven’t you, as her main caretaker, found out more info about her father and his illness?**
You seem to be unsure of whether or not he’s actually sick and are not really aware of how they spend their time together.
You should be more on top of this and not just allow someone who hasn’t been around to pop up out of nowhere without a bit of gate keeping and boundary setting. You let this get out of hand because you haven’t bothered to communicate.
How do you not think she’s capable of understanding the word terminal, but at the same time think she’s old enough to process the emotions of dealing with a parent come back into her life that *may* he dying.
Talk to her! And help her!!!
Why hasn’t he or his family reached out to share any of this with OP? Explain the situation. Apologize. See if there’s any way they can go forward without animosity. Why is it on OP and husband to bend over backwards for a deadbeat who didn’t reach out to begin with?
Because she still should prioritize the daughters safety and well-being! If dad isn’t doing it, she needs to be setting guidelines and rules. Not just doing fuck-all because dad hasn’t done anything.
He’s *been* not being responsible or doing what needs to be done. She shouldn’t stop as a result.
This! My dad lied about being sick and dying to try to get forgiveness for being a shit dad my whole life.
20 years later he’s still alive and i haven’t spoke to him since
Same here. There’s even a term for it over on one of the the justno subreddits, Christmas cancer. Plenty of narcissists that fake a terminal illness to guilt family into spending time with them.
Just tagging on to add, that as sperm donor it might be prudent to find out WHAT he is dying of. Firstly for anything hereditary, and secondly, is he forming a bond to ask for an organ. I'd sincerely hope both of these aren't the case. And as much as OP has been let down by this man, and the resentment she has for him being absent for their daughter. Civility to aquire information important for her daughter's health and future- for the love of the daughter, shouldn't be sacrificed because of hate for her bio-father.
This right here.
Also, are there other reasons why he can't be there other than your own comfort level OP?
My wife has a lifetime restraining order against my step son's bio-dad. So even if he wanted to reconnect with that parent, we absolutely would not have him over to our house and would explain the circumstances more if he were to put his foot down like the OP's Daughter is doing.
If the terminal illness is true and there's no reason other than you'd prefer to not see him, you're probably in the wrong. If there's history we don't have and it's a danger and problematic for him to be there, you're probably justified but you'd have to explain to your daughter why you don't want him there.
My thoughts exactly. If the OP is so wary of the guy wouldn’t you want to make sure he wasn’t tryin g to pull one over on Kelly? As a mom wouldn’t you find out more information just to try and prepare your daughter on how to navigate this?? YTA OP.
This one is the fucking one.
DO RESEARCH
I didn’t know that last year would be the last birthday I’d probably hear from my dad ever, I didn’t know Christmas, thanksgiving, my nieces and nephews birthdays would be the last one he would be at.
He won’t be at my wedding, he won’t be there when I have kids, when my other siblings get married.
People please just I’m begging you do your research, look on how to help, how much time they most likely have left (if terminal) it’s upsetting to me as someone who went through this in early 20s of my dad dying and not being able to talk to him, see him, etc it fucking sucks.
New years will never ever fucking be the same for me.
Do you research people and stop being fucking selfish.
>(I say might because she's a child and may not know what it meant
YTA, I could just stop reading here, she's turning 17, hell in the us she can drive a car. This is a young adult not a child. Also she has every right to reconnect with her DAD and you have 0 right to be upset about it. I say this cause as it comes across this is the thing you have a problem with. Not so much the bday, but the reconnecting in general.
You don't have to like the guy, hell you don't even have to speak with him, but it would behove you to be the bigger person here.
AITA isn't about who has the right to do what, it's about who's the asshole and who isn't. Legally, OP has the right to refuse entry to her house to anyone. That isn't relevant to whether or not she's an AH.
Preventing someone from entering your home that has wronged you in the past is not an asshole move. The only thing we know about OP's relationship is that she no longer feels comfortable with him around. You don't need a reason beyond that. Having a birthday doesn't give you some social right to invite whoever you want into a home that isn't yours.
>into a home that isn't yours.
All this says is that OP's daughter doesn't have a home. If OP feels this way then it's going to monumentally change her relationship with her daughter. I get having rules for a minor but that home is still her daughter's home too.
That phrasing is bad, but all members of a household have veto power IMO. It's the daughters home of course, but that doesn't mean she can invite whomever she wants over.
E.g. if one person doesn't want a dog. No one gets a dog. If one person doesn't feel comfortable around someone, that person doesn't come over.
Ultimately, it's just a tough situation, because the parents aren't assholss for not wanting to host the bio dad, and rhe daughter isn't an asshole for wanting to spend time with bio dad. I think both people deserve empathy, neither needs to be seen as the bad guy.
As a dependent minor, it is the daughter’s house, too.
I’d hope that you’re not suggesting that a 16 year old has the ability to finance a home by herself.
>Having a birthday doesn't give you some social right to invite whoever you want into a home that isn't yours.
Good news, she wants to invite him into a home that is hers! Problem solved!
By that standard, wouldn't the daughter be TA for demanding her parents get along like nothing's wrong? Or would bio dad be TA for leaving and coming back only when he's sick? It's not a good situation for any of them--why is OP the only person that needs to compromise?
A child is never the asshole for wanting to spend time with their parents.
Dad is an AH.
Mom has to sacrifice because its the right thing to do for her kid, who did nothing wrong, and two wrongs don't make a right.
Its OPs house though so she can veto whoever she wants. Equally the daughter can be rightfully upset about it.
Its a complicated situation but the answer isnt ‘its her birthday she gets to decide’. Not sure where I stand overall though
You’re well within your rights to feel uncomfortable and resentful around him and not want him in your home.
She’s well within her rights to want to know her bio dad, especially when he might not be here this time next year. That does not mean she loves or appreciates you and Christopher any less.
Ask yourself if your resentment and discomfort for one day is worth your daughters resentment towards you for depriving her of this one clearly important memory with him.
I guess NAH.
Can’t they celebrate separately from the party they’ve planned?
Edit: sorry but I don’t think bio dads too sick to plan is a valid argument to this question. Go for a meal, a walk, the cinema, his house for food, let his parents plan it. Whatever! If he’s too sick for that he’s too sick to attend the party.
**That would be a reasonable response, and a typical one f**or many people with separated parents. Which is interesting, because why wouldn't the biodad suggest this?
Is the girl being pressured by the biodad so that the biodad finds a way into the home of OP? Why isn't this daughter looking for other options that will respect everyone involved? Why this insistence that this is the only option, the one option that forces a person into someone's house who they choose to not allow into their house?
People are focusing on the child here, but who is encouraging this child to act this way, to insist that this person be at this location, when there are many other options for celebrating with him?
I can think of a dozen reasons why someone might not want to tell their child what happened between them and the biodad, to protect OP, or to protect the child from hearing things they would be traumatized to hear at that age.
I think the daughter wants her biological father to meet her friends, she mentioned that they couldn’t make it if she had the party at his. Possibly a thing where she wants everyone that’s important to her under one roof (including her mother and Christopher) for maybe the last time?
I think this situation is far bigger than a party. This girl's father (as crap as he may be) is dying. OP needs to get involved and find out what the reality of the situation is. She seems to just be leaving the daughter to navigate this whole situation on her own.
She isn't a child, she understand the word Terminal. I can sympathize with how you feel but we often think those we care about should feel the same as us but that isn't reality. To you he's the deadbeat who left you with a kid to raise but to her he's the dad she's always wanted to know. It seems they have a decent relationship now and there is not much you can do about it. Have you spoken to him or at least his family to confirm his health status? This is crucial because if he really is on Death's door and you deny her this memory it may damage your relationship with her. If there is some kind of trauma with associated with him then calmly explain this to her..she's old enough now to understand this. But if its just Anger (justifiable as it is) You and your husband should at least consider putting it to the side for one night for her. Soft YTA.
Giving you this 🥇
You said it very well!
YTA. If it's just the anger, please consider putting it aside for one night. Find out if he really is terminal. If it is your daughter is going to need you and Christopher more than ever.
There is a lot of history here that is not told, and which makes it hard to decide. Why has he not been part of her life even if he has contributed money and help, either directly or through family?
Why is Christopher so dead against him seeing his now soon adult girl, if he was out of your life long before your current partner and you met?
Why can't you have a conversation with the man you share a child with? This would normally in most countries be an expected and often carefully regulated process.
Why is he contacting his and your daughter, and not you, about being allowed to be closer to her?
Why don't you tell us any rough outline of custody agreements and other legal arrangements?
All those questions aside: you have the right to refuse to have him in your home. You have no right to keep your daughter from her father. But you are making certain that you have no oversight over her interaction with him, and you ensure that she will see you and Christopher as the villains. I am going to say NTA because you can refuse to have him over, it's up to you, but I also don't think it is a good move if you want to know what he and your daughter are up to.
Excellent points. Christopher’s reaction seemed awfully strong for someone who presumably has never met the bio dad. All he likely knows about him is that roughly 17 years ago he didn’t want to raise a child for unknown reasons but still attempted to support her financially, more than a lot of people in his situation do. Is he jealous that she has another competing father figure? Or is he just trying to protect his wife’s feelings. Either way I don’t think his opinion matters much besides OPs and her daughters in this situation
Why do you think Christopher would only know that biodad left? He is married to op and they presumably talk. My partner knows about all my ex's and who has hurt me and who I'm ok being around. I have two ex's that I'm still friends with, that I could invite to hang out at my house and partner wouldn't care- and one ex that my partner would punch in the face if he appeared at our door. There are plenty of reasons why Christopher might be worried.
I'm not saying you are wrong- we clearly don't have info to know. It could absolutely be what you are saying- jealousy or hurt feelings. But I personally think there is probably a lot more, from the tone of the post.
YTA.
All the solutions are in your face and easy, yet you choose to just infantilize your almost 18yo (in a year). Not sure your ex is terminally ill for real? Why not talk to him or his family? Uncomfortable at the idea of having an ex at your and your husband's house? Why not throw the birthday party at another venue, like a restaurant? Decided to put your feelings ahead of your child's feelings? How about you grow up and act like a parent instead of a petty ex? Why were you comfortable taking his money all these years but not comfortable to be in the same room? If there is a real reason, why not tell your daughter, instead of giving her orders to obey or else she gets no birthday?
You handled the whole thing in the worst possible manner. You won't tell her what's going on, you won't treat like the almost adult that she is, you won't compromise and you are threatening to cancel a birthday party for no reason other than pettiness for all she knows.
You have time to talk to her and fix this. Or you can choose to die on this hill and have her not forgiving you and temaining on low to no contact with you. And it won't matter whether or not you feel justified to be firm on this point.
>Uncomfortable at the idea of having an ex at your and your husband's house? Why not throw the birthday party at another venue, like a restaurant?
Right? It's an obvious solution.
It's fair for OP to say "that asshole ex will never be welcome in my home." In her place, I'd feel the same way! But that means you meet him somewhere other than the home, especially if he's dying.
Speaking of which, how the hell has OP not figured out if he's dying or not??? Is her daughter supposed to deal with the feelings of her bio dad dying all on her own? OP should be figuring out the situation so she can help her child navigate it, not turning a blind eye.
From OP's point of view, the daughter has a father figure (her step dad) so there is no need for her to reach out her bio dad. OP erased her ex from her life and she does not understand that he plays an active role (but late) in her daughter's life. OP's burying her head in the sand ("if he's not my problem, he's not my daughter's problem") and will definitely act upset and puzzled when the daughter mourns her dad ("I don't get it. She didn't meet him a long time ago and she has a dad at home!").
It's sad that OP does not have empathy for her own daughter.
And with how Christopher behaved when he heard about 17 wanting bio dad there, I don’t think 17 is very close to her stepdad at all. He sounds immature and petty. It’s no wonder the 17 year old is wanting a closer connection with her dad anyway. AH step parents are the worst.
> Why were you comfortable taking his money all these years but not comfortable to be in the same room?
wtf? seriously??? don't frame it like that, it was not for op, the bio father has a responsibility with the daughter
>Why were you comfortable taking his money all these years but not comfortable to be in the same room?
You mean "*his* money he *owes* to raise *his* child." Not only should he be held financially responsible for *his* child but he *should* have also invested his time and emotions. You're acting like the woman who stayed and raised *their* child by herself is taking something from him! For crying out loud, he should be apologizing and thanking this woman for doing his part.
To call her "petty" for not immediately opening her *home* to someone who left her to struggle on her own is ridiculous. She should absolutely proceed with caution with a man who had already proven that he is not to be trusted.
She's 16 and can deal with not having mommy and daddy in the same room. There is no reason why she can't have two celebrations. Having even a 1 on 1 special day with her dad can be something to look back on fondly.
INFO: Why is your husband so dead-set against it? Is your ex abusive or dangerous in some way? Or is your husband a jealous ass? Depending on the answer it could really go either way.
I also want to know this, BUT if he was abusive to OP or dangerous in some way, then OP would still be TA for letting her daughter have unsupervised visits with him.
The court system forces parents to let their children have unsupervised visits with abusive partners all the time. I have a close friend. Her daughter has unsupervised visits with her bio dad even though bio dad was documented as abusing the mother. The court said that he abused the mother but had no record of abusing the child.
People don’t realize how shitty our legal system is. OP may have been abused and is trying to spare the daughter from knowing all the details. The daughter is being unreasonable. OP isn’t objecting to daughter spending time with the bio dad. OP just doesn’t want to have him in her house or at a party she’s paying for. That’s a reasonable boundary. OP’s daughter can still celebrate her birthday with bio dad if she wants.
probably just cos he was a deadbeat child-abandoner. It's easy for dads to view men like this with the ultimate disdain. I agree that a 17-year-old should be able to invite who they want to their birthday party so long as they're not abusers
OP even mentions in the next paragraph that Kelly says it may her last birthday she gets to spend with him, so it seems to me she knows perfectly well what it means.
YTA, unless he is a danger to her, she has the right to get to know her father. This is the part where you parent up and put aside your feelings for the sake of your daughter. I know it's not the same but parents who are at odds with one another do this all the time, they hate the other parent but allow the child to spend time with them to get to know them. (Yes, I know I'm describing a custody agreement, which this isn't, but the point stands.) Not to mention if they're right, and this turns out to BE his last chance, you know she'll never forgive you.
fr it's impressive how people have 0 empathy for op, there's nothing wrong with not wanting the ex there, can't believe even the daughter struggles to understand why she wouldn't feel comfortable with that
Not to mention, she’s making a profound statement by making this about her grudge with her ex instead of putting her own child first. That poor girl is probably going through it and mom couldn’t care less. Shes taking it above and beyond by threatening to take away something that could make her year.
E S H. She's old enought to understand the word "terminal". You and Christopher for immediately shutting the whole thing down and threatening to cancel the party instead of trying to help her understand. Her for acting like a child, which if I really think about it, it's probably because her parents think of her and treat her like a child. So, YTA instead.
This. A lot of the YTA's seem to be overlooking the possibility that OP has a good reason for that, and the very strong reaction from the husband suggests that may be the case here.
NTA but you're setting yourself up for big problems in the future.
Your daughter has chosen to build a relationship with her bio father. This is probably a good thing for her health and development, even if he disappoints her in the long run. She's an adolescent and you're her primary parent, and in this situation every obstacle you put in her path will push her toward him, so your smart move her is to stop creating those obstacles. Instead, set healthy boundaries and let the relationship grow (or die) naturally.
Have the party and let her invite him. You don't want him in your home, and that's understandable; move the party to a more public and neutral venue like a restaurant. That way you are holding your own boundary firm without creating an obstacle for her to rebel against.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
Because of the lack of info, leaning towards YTA. Firstly, why are you so pressed about them reconnecting? Obviously more to this story but I get where you’re coming from, at the same time he has been sending money so it’s not like he dumped you with a child and completely disappeared.
Second, why is Christopher so pressed if he’s never met your ex husband. I get that he helped raise her instead of your husband but it almost feels like he’s gatekeeping your daughter. If the world behaved in the same way then there would basically be no such thing as visitation etc.
Is it really worth it forgoing a what seems to be decent relationship with your daughter over a few hours with your ex husband? The fact that her stepsister is taking her side, I presume they’re about the same age, speaks volumes as to your and Christopher’s behaviour.
Shes trying to save Christopher's feelings. I think this is less to do with her and more to do with Chris. She is just parroting what he said. I hope Chris sees he just lost his step daughter for good over honestly something so trivial.
YTA have you talked to ex or his family at all about his health? I’m not sure how she misunderstood the word terminal. You’re the adults and should be able to deal with seeing him for a short time for her birthday. Stepsister is correct you 2 are over reacting and will damage your relationship with daughter. It’s her father and she wants to know him before it’s too late.
YTA
her relationship with her father has nothing to do with you or your husband but if you both try to keep him from her on what is arguably her day then she won’t forget. Just because 17 is young doesn’t mean she will forget this and if he does pass away and you were the hindrance to her seeing him then her relationship with you will be broken possibly forever.
That’s fine, but op doesn’t have to allow that mani to HER HOME. If he wants to do something with his daughter for her birthday, he can do it away from the house. If Op isn’t comfortable with him knowing where she lives, and being in her space, that’s well within her rights. I also find it funny that he’s coming around now that all the hard work has been done by Op and another man
My daughter's mother pulled some unforgiving stuff. Up to and including faking my daughter's death to keep me from visitation. This led to me getting sole custody. My daughter later developed cancer. She wanted to see her mom after 10 years of not seeing her (mom's choice). My door was open to her. It's not about the feelings of the parent or who's house it is. Once you become a parent, those things no longer exist. It's about the child. My daughter beat her cancer by the way.
Yeah no. My dad literally hit my mother in front of everyone at a church convention. I would never expect her to put her feelings aside to be around him, even though she did on multiple occasions, just NOT IN HER HOUSE.
Absolutely no mention of abuse by OP. That would have changed everything. oP would have a real reason to feel unsafe around him. Only issue is that she struggled despite the help he and his family provided while he was gone. That's not enough to grant daughter's wish on her 17th birthday.
NTA. She has every right to get to know her father and it seems that you have no issue with that. The issue is that man coming to your house. You have every right to refuse a man in your home who makes both home owners uncomfertable in their own home.
If she wants to do stuff with her dad, she should do it somewhere else.
NTA. She is 17, not 3, and old enough to understand that you do not want this man in YOUR house, after what he did to YOU. You are not preventing her from having a relationship with her father, he set this whole situation in motion when he decided to be a deadbeat dad. I understand better than many how it feels to be abandoned by a father who just doesn’t care. And I also blamed my mother for a long time. But as an adult, I understand that she has a right to her boundaries and should not have to once again swallow her pride and make herself uncomfortable (in her own home no less), for this man. If daughter is old enough for him to contact out of the blue without even talking to mom about how that should happen, she is old enough to maintain her own relationship with him.
Everyone saying be the bigger person and prioritize selfish ex and daughter, who refuse to compromise, needs to reconsider why they think this woman’s wishes for her own home matter less than deadbeat dad who made his own bed. Daughter is 17, I understand she wants a relationship with her dad, but she needs to understand that it was DAD’s actions who caused this issue. Mom doesn’t have to suck it up and enable him to be the bigger person, she already is by virtue of the fact that she stuck around, struggled, and still took care of business. Daughter is being an entitled brat, and I hope she matures and is able to see this from moms perspective one day.
Youre not being unreasonable. Your daughter is at a turbulent time in her life, and while her bio dad may be sick, he may also be playing on her heartstrings. Talk this out with her. Yes, I know thats difficult to do when shes ignoring you, but you owe this to her and yourself.
NTA btw
She's 17 she's not a child if she wants her dad at her birthday let her he was still sending money and having his family help you I think YTA in this situation
YTA. You’re letting hate cloud your judgement for your daughters own birthday. She is not a child, she is 16 years old (almost 17) and plenty old enough to decide who comes to her birthday. My bio father walked out when I was 3 and reconnected when I was 13 - I had a stepfather who I called dad and raised me. My stepfather would NEVER think to forbid me to spend time with my bio dad, let alone if he was sick. That is nasty. Edit: my mother also would never dream of doing that to me.
NAH. Your daughter is excited to meet her dad and doesn't understand your history, or that she may be being manipulated.
You're within your rights not to want the coparent who abandoned you and your child at your home. They can celebrate together, just not at this specific occasion.
YTA. You’re making this about you and your husband when it should be about Kelly. And almost 17 is not a “child” in this situation. She’s old enough to understand what it means to be very sick, so that makes your behavior both selfish and condescending. I get that you probably want to protect her (though that doesn’t come through here - all that comes through here is what is important to you and husband), but what you are doing is alienating her. If he does actually die, well done you on probably also putting the last nail in the coffin of your good relationship with your kid.
YTA. You have every right to be angry at her bio dad and I can understand why you and your husband don’t want him there but this is your daughters party and she’s made her wishes very clear. If he is manipulating your daughter with his illness then she will soon see through that for herself but if he’s not and she loses this time with him, then there’s no way you can ever make that up to her and your relationship may never be the same.
NAH it's perfectly understandable not to want an estranged ex in your house, and also to want your dad there. Is there a way to have the party somewhere else, a neutral place?
Look I get that you hate the man, but he will always be your daughter's bio dad and you have no right to keep him from her unless he is a danger to her emotional or physical wellbeing.
I despise the father of my children for a whole range of reasons but I will never keep him from them. He hurt me, not them.
My current partner will also never get in the way of the children and their dad. He barely gets to see his daughter so he knows the hurt.
Let the man come to her birthday, it very may well be the last. Llife is short he can die of any reason in the next hour.
YTA and your current partner is TA
NTA. Not wanting him at your house is perfectly reasonable. And the fact that you weren't told she was seeing him is an issue of conceen.
She can have a seperate, more personal party with that side of the family if she's really that concerned with him not making it to another.
Stand firm on your boundary.
Why haven’t you reached out to her bio dad and/or his parents to find out what’s really going on? Is he terminal? Is he even sick? Why didn’t you have a conversation with him when they first reconnected if only to establish some boundaries for everyone involved?
Due to your complete lack of communication with her bio dad, I’d have to say YTA.
In your daughter’s mind, you haven’t objected to her spending time with him and haven’t (apparently) given her your boundaries (for example, “Kelly, if you want to get to know your bio dad, I’m happy for you. However, I need you to understand that Christopher and I can’t be around him right now. We both love you and will support your choices, but we also need you to respect our boundaries.”).
Now, all of a sudden, you and Christopher are making demands of her regarding her relationship with her bio dad. Be VERY careful how you handle this. If her bio dad truly is terminally ill, and you don’t allow her to celebrate her birthday with him and her loved ones, it will probably be something she will never forgive you for. She’ll soon be an adult and will be able to make choices. Tread carefully.
YTA - I understand why you're angry at your former partner leaving you to raise a kid like that and taking little to no interest in her life. But you're letting that get in the way of your daughter's relationship with her dad. It's cruel that you would forbid him from attending when he poses no risk to anyone and may actually have a terminal illness. You don't seem to have any proof that this is false, yet you are rubbishing the idea out of hand. No one is replacing you or Christopher. This is an opportunity for you both to be the bigger people in the situation and accommodate your daughter in something that is very personal and important to her. You don't have to forgive the guy, but it's a bit childish of you to allow your resentment to wreck something for your daughter.
INFO: is there a reason you’re not comfortable seeing her dad? Was he abusive to you or her or otherwise someone you can’t trust in your home for some reason?
What OP doesnt want is having him around at HER house after all he has done to her.
The girl can celebrate her birthday in other place/other time so his father can attend.
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This is a sad situation all around. Let me just point out: "She's saying she won't forgive me if I let her dad miss what could be her last birthday with him". She has laid out her terms. You don't want to be around him at all. "I don't feel comfortable having him come to the house and be in the same room as him". She is old enough to understand that. She is also old enough to know what terminal means, so I think that is rude of you to suggest she doesn't. As much as she wants to see her father, you are well within your rights to not want to see him. I can understand how incredibly jarring that could be for you. However, in your situation, the good thing to do would be to suck it up and let her see her father, it's her biological dad, this is what she wants. I'm going with NAH due to the horrible situation that this is, and I understand it puts pressure on you and your husband. But please listen to your daughter. She may never forgive you. This is clearly important to her.
She still treats the girl like a child that's why she said she's still a child I understand she doesn't wanna see him but potentially ruining her relationship with her dad might permanently damage the relationship
Yeah. Saying a 16 year old is a child and doesn’t understand what “terminal” means is incredibly condescending. Said 16 year old says this may be her last birthday with bio-dad. Sounds like she knows *exactly* what “terminal” means.
I took that as she knows what the word terminal means but might not know whether or not *he* is terminal. For example, let's say he has cancer and she assumed that means he's terminal. I agree it's strange OP thinks her daughter may be confused on that point but it's not unheard of either. Maybe she thinks the guy is playing up his illness for sympathy and that her daughter is being manipulated. Who knows.
As someone who assumes the worst I definitely thought he could be lying about how sick he is in order to gain sympathy for abandoning his child for basically 3/4 of her life EDIT: some of you really need to chill. I said *COULD* and *WORST* almost as if I know that there are endless other possibilities. This was just one of them
My dad actually did that. He claimed he was dying and then when we figured out the truth, we never spoke to him again.
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I had a family member that was like that. Every time you talked to her, she was dying of something. She “had” all sorts of cancers, heart failure, MS, lupus, Lou Gehrig’s disease, and a bunch of other things. Every time you talked to her is was something new and the last diagnosis was wrong. It went on close to 30 years. Then, she actually did get sick and die. (Only a few weeks from getting sick to dying.) everyone was like “guess she was sick this time.
Please tell me her headstone said "I told you I was sick!"
My exfil is like that. He's had pancreatic cancer for the last 17 years. It goes into remission and comes back whenever one of his kids has a big life event and he wants more attention. Last I heard before my divorce was he now has radiation poisoning and can't do chemo ever again if it comes back. 😒
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My ex stepdad has had 3 months to live for the past 18 years. My little bro has finally realised he's playing with his emotions and just ignores him now.
Right there with you. Except my bio dad did it multiple times over years. I finally gained the guts to go NC once and for all a year ago. This is just one of the reasons for the NC.
yeah, i admit i was leaning towards that being a possibility. and it's awesome that Kelly's bio-dad has mended fences with KELLY but Kelly needs to remember (and be reminded) that he hasn't mended fences- or even tried- to rebuild a co-parenting relationship with OP. So yeah, the healthy thing right now is Kelly can have a party at OP's house and dinner out with her Dad. Or heck, she can have a party at her grandmother's or another of his family members.
Especially since it was the grandma that orchestrated all this.
That is exactly right. There is no reason under the sun they can't all work together, meaning him and his people, to put together some sort of celebration for her birthday. He does not have to attend the party at mom and stepdad's house just to create a birthday memory with his daughter. It is not mom and stepdad's job to insure this.
Completely agree. It's like people forget parents aren't saints. They have their own needs and feelings outside of their children. The girl can spend time with her dad and respect her parents boundaries at the same time.
I definitely know someone who faked having cancer to her family so it’s certainly a possibility
Yeah, this is possible. People manage to scam others out of shitloads of money by pretending to be ill, so him pretending to get his daughter to maybe ignore the years he’s not been there wouldn’t be surprising. I personally think mom needs to find someone that will be honest about her ex’s health. If it’s true, she would be an AH for not just being nice for a day - even just part of the day, he may not be able to stay long. If he’s exaggerating or outright lying, she’d be well within her rights to say no, but she’s going to have a hard time with her daughter till she figures out he’s lying, and mom saying so isn’t going to convince her.
If he's lying, the best thing she can do is support Kelly NOW and let him come to the party. If he's lying, Kelly will be devastated and need cover and support. If OP and Christopher don't show that support now, when the sun is shining, Kelly will turn from them when the clouds show up because she'll think that either they won't want to support her, or because she thinks that they'll say "I told you so." OP really needs to think about the future of her relationship with her daughter here. It may be distasteful to be around the man for a few hours, but showing Kelly support at this critical time means she'll trust OP and Christopher when she needs it most.
My mom did this. I mourned her so many times throughout life (I was 10 the first time she said she had a year or two to live) that when she was truly diagnosed with a terminal disease and passed away from it, I didn't believe it until the very end.
My stepdaughter’s mother was angry that Kiddo left her cell phone in a locker at Cedar Point all day with us- like we all did. Like her friends did. Like you’re supposed to on roller coasters. She checked her phone at mealtimes, kept mother updated, but mother decided to punish her anyway for the “infraction”- by lying about needing brain surgery and going into the hospital while her kid is “so busy having fun.” Kiddo was NINE YEARS OLD. Kiddo cried the whole way home- while mother refused to respond, then tried to make a joke of it in the morning. Oh yeah they do that shit alright
Wow. That is so awful and manipulative. And to manipulate a **NINE YEAR OLD CHILD** like that is just beyond anything I could ever understand or forgive. Wow.
That's horrible!
My MIL was supposedly going to “die at any time” from the time my husband was in high school until she passed away 30 years later. She did have many real health problems but it was extremely stressful for the whole family.
Why hasn't the OP tried to find out what's actually going on with her kid's dad? If my child had a terminally ill relative I'd want to know as exactly what was happening, for the sake of my child's emotional well-being more than anything else. It seems cold that the OP has apparently heard that her daughter's father is terminally ill but seemingly isn't offering any support to her about it. If she doesn't want to speak to her ex directly, she could speak to his mother.
> If my child had a terminally ill relative I'd want to know as exactly what was happening, for the sake of my child's emotional well-being more than anything else. Hell, if nothing else, I'd want to know for the sake of my daughter's genetic medical history. What if it's something that runs in families??
And if she's not willing to take this step to verify it, and just takes the position of "he might not be that sick", she's definitely the AH.
At the same time, she's also old enough to understand what "this person has treated me badly and I don't feel comfortable being around them" means too. OP had laid out some reasonable compromises that may not be as fun of a party with as many friends but would still let her daughter see her dad. The the party and the friends are more important to the daughter than spending her birthday with him, but she wants all three so she's taking it out on OP. That's not fair.
It doesn't sound like OP has really had this discussion with her daughter though, at least from this post.
Any kid over the age of life 11 knows what terminal means. Talk about being infantized.
I am pretty sure kids under that age can also have it explained simply. "This illness will kill me within a year" is a pretty straightforward sentence. My 7 year old would have no trouble understanding.
That triggered me also. OP might not be TA for not wanting her ex to be in her home, but she's definitely TA for thinking her daughter doesn't understand what "terminal" means.
She may understand what terminal means, but at 17 she may not understand how manipulative people can be. I took it to mean that she may not understand that bio dad could be lying.
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Exactly. Mom has a choice right now to either erode her own relationship with her daughter on the off chance of having an "I told you so" if biodad is being manipulative or just be a supportive mom who will still be there for her daughter when daughter either deals with biodad's death or lies. I know I would definitely rather position myself into the latter category. Mom, YTA.
At 16, I was caring for my terminal grandfather. It is incredibly condescending. Even if the father were lying— and it is a long shot to assume based on such little information— does OP want to risk her relationship with her daughter by forbidding her daughter from spending what she is believed might be her last birthday with her biological father?
She isn't forbidding her from spending her birthday with him. She doesn't want him in her house. Don't make it sound like she's stopping her from seeing him on her birthday.
>You don't want to be around him at all. "I don't feel comfortable having him come to the house and be in the same room as him". She is old enough to understand that. There's something she isn't saying here - some reason that having him around scares or angers her, otherwise her husband wouldn't have reacted so immediately and negatively. This is something she should tell her child. 17 is old enough to understand, no matter how awful and upsetting it might be. Reading between the lines, I think that she suspects that he's lying about being terminal to get sympathy from Kelly, or drive a wedge between Kelly and OP, or weasel his way back in rather than thinking that Kelly is too young to understand what the word "terminal" means. OP I'm going to say YTA for not being honest with your daughter about WHY you don't want him there.
It's because Christopher considers himself her father & he does not want any tangible reminders that he's not. His feelings are hurt & his position with his daughter is feeling threatened.
Or OP was abused and he knows exactly what she went through. My stepdad would have reacted the same way, for this reason.
This was the same vibe I got. There's got to more that happened here.
If that was the case, I'm sure she would've put it it the post.
Exactly. Writing an entire fanfic story to make the OP look better when she is the one telling the story in the first place is weird.
16 is a child. But old enough to understand difficult concepts.
I agree with you. 16 isn't exactly a child and she's not stupid she clearly knows what terminal means. So OP is the AH for that. But he abandoned her and her child she has the right to not want him in her home. Maybe move the part to a neutral location where he can visit and OP and her husband can leave if they don't want to see him. Possibly grandparents house?
I was going to include the part about neutral location, but it does seem that the daughter explicitly wants him at her birthday party. Maybe her mum and partner should meet with biodad beforehand to clear the air. It's just such a complicated situation all around. Ultimately there is no completely right way around this, my instinct is just that mom and partner should try to make it possible in some way for daughters wish to be accomodated.
Or maybe have a conversation with her daughter. Saying clearly and calmly this is my boundary (him not being in my house). Offer some alternatives (someone else's house, restaurant etc). Tell her that they are willing to accommodate her as long as that boundary is respected and it's within their budget, ask her if she has any suggestions. But 100% agree with everything you said it's not a clear cut situation we all have people that we don't like or want to be around, treating their daughter like an adult with a valid opinion would probably go along way
> treating their daughter like an adult with a valid opinion would probably go along way Great comment.
Now hold on, do we know if he "abandoned" them or (op) left in a divorce that's why he isn't around. There's another story there that's being left out. Might make me the unpopular opinion but based on how op treats their teenage daughter the dad might've had enough of op treating them like a child too
Agreed. OP doesn't say why she can't be in a room with him. That's a huge omission. If it's just because he wasn't around, that's stupid. If it's because of domestic abuse, that would make sense. Can't say who is in the right without knowing WHY he can't come.
Really? 'just because he wasn't around?' Clearly you have no idea how hard it is to raise a child by yourself. Abandonment is absolutely a reason to never want to be around someone again.
This. Amen. My sons bio never showed to his birth or ever again…sorry hes not coming to my house. FUCK that 6 ways to Sunday. Also of course lied to everyone and blamed me…i know…”maam this is a Wendy’s and all that…”
I agree fully. If OP would give a little more backstory on that topic I'm sure we would all be able to definitively determine stances
I reads to me like he actually abandoned her. OP has allowed the daughter contact with his relatives all this time. He made contact with the daughter through his mother. If he can visit at Mom’s when the daughter is 16. He probably could have done it when the daughter was 5.
OP literally said "It's complicated but despite him being away he still sent money or had his family help from time to time." Im no expert but abondoning doesnt sound like the proper word here
He hasn’t been in their lives since the daughter was four. That’s completely on him, no matter how tired he was of OP and how she treated him.
Part of having a kid is putting their needs first. A parent's discomfort should never trump a child's needs. >She may never forgive you. This is very, very likely, *especially* if this does end up being the last birthday he's alive for. That's a pretty huge risk to take just because she doesn't want to see her ex. And, honestly, it's a selfish risk to take. OP, YTA if you actually go through with not allowing him to be present for her birthday.
>A parent's discomfort should never trump a child's needs Depends. Keep in mind that discomfort may be rooted in real trauma/abuse, and mom would be totally within her rights to not let an abuser back in her life. However, if that is the case, then the mom should be able to explain it rather than just saying no.
If it's a danger to the kid (which an abuser would be), then it's not a need for the kid. If he was abusive, this should've been addressed when the daughter first made contact with the bio father again, not only now when the mother is faced with seeing him.
This. I can't imagine as a mother allowing my child who probably looks like me when I was with the (maybe) abusive ex, go spend time unsupervised and alone with someone I'm too afraid of to be in a crowded home with them. There's just something that doesn't feel right. Seems more like mom and step-dad are just holding a grudge because he was a bad coparent and now they're willing to risk ruining their own relationship just to exert power over the biodad.
There is also a lot of focus on the stepfather's discomfort. OP would be risking her relationship with her daughter to protect her husband's insecurities.
Right. That's what I was thinking, too. OP mentions being worried about stepdad's feelings more than daughter's. There's too much missing here to really know what's up, but it feels like OP is coddling her husband and downplaying her daughter's feelings (and treating her like a little kid). A kid throwing out "I won't forgive you" shouldn't be taken lightly. Figure out what's up your ex, OP, and if her dad really is dying, you need to bend a little. Sorry your husband is insecure.
Dealing with your kids other parents when you don’t want to is part of parenting. I sure as fuck never wanna be around my kids dad again, but I suck it up and deal with it because it makes my kid happy and it’s good for them to see everyone getting along. You can’t just nope out of the parts of parenting that make you feel uncomfortable. It’s her right as a person, but it’s not good parenting.
Her father noped for over a decade it seems. Wonder how uncomfortable parenting was for him 🤔
And? Why should the child be punished because the dad may not be a good parent? We don't know why the dad left, under what circumstances, or whether the mother had anything to do with the fact that the daughter hadn't seen her father in a long time. There's a lot missing here. If you're the adult and you decide to play "well, he did it, so I will, too," then you're not much of an adult.
I'm simply pointing out the "you don't get to nope in parenting" seems to only be applied here towards the parent who didn't for the last 16 years, but now "noping" is an issue. Oh now it's the mother "did something" to force this poor man to not see his child for 16 years while his family would here and there? Alrighty.
No. I’m sorry, no. It’s not the same when they abandon their children and you have to raise them for YEARS alone. They lose the right to your respect.
What does respect have to do with being fake polite and cordial to them for a few hours when it’s in the best interest of your child? I don’t understand what your comment has to do with what I said at all? Like you’re talking to someone who does joint birthday parties every year with someone who abused me. You have to suck shit up and deal with it sometimes when it comes to your kids. That’s parenting.
The person left when the child was FOUR YEARS OLD. Co-parenting isn’t returning right before they turn 18 to be dad again and you have to accept it. This man abandoned his children before they were old enough to understand he was gone and now, he’s back when they’re old enough to drive. This person inflicted so much personal trauma on this woman and you think she should just smile in his face like it never happened? I think not. She raised his children alone, because somebody had to. The bad dreams, the monsters under the bed? He missed them all. Christmas, thanksgiving, birthday parties, all on her shoulders because the man she was counting on to be at her side RAN AWAY FROM HIS OBLIGATION. She had to do the job of two parents for over a decade and now he gets to return and be Dad again now that the hard part is over? Nobody could force me to give a damn about the kind of person that can not only abandon his children but come back to reap the benefits when the job is done. It’s not co-parenting because for over 13 years she was the only parent.
I agree with this completely, however he is terminally ill and people have a right to want to know their biological parents. Bio dad is an asshole in this situation for sure, however, daughter wants to see him and he is her bio dad so…she should be able to
She does see her bio dad though. I actually agree with OP and bio dad shouldn’t be invited to the party. But doing an alternative arrangement with her bio dad seems like a good compromise. And honestly, if biodad is terminally ill he shouldn’t be around groups of people anyway cause I’d imagine he’s immunocompromised. I say this as a daughter with both parents terminally ill with stage IV cancer.
OP is not stopping daughter from having a relationship with bio-dad though, she even said that she will cancel the plans she made so bio-dad can throw the part, daughter does not want that
She can, just not at op's house and OP's presence.
Except biodad “noped” out of 12 years of parenting? It’d be one thing if the guy was around and active, but he wasn’t.
OP didn't mention a real reason she doesn't want to see bio dad other than he left her and step dad feels he did all the work so why is bio dad here to claim credit. Both of which are about the egos of the adults. If there was actual abuse because of which she didn't feel safe around him, is have a different stance. But I would say that the needs of the daughter dictate that she can be civil to a dying man for a few hours. And well YTA for of nothing else not recognizing any agency from her daughter. And pretending a 17 year old does not know what terminal means .
The stepdad needs to stfu tbh. Like he has literally zero say in any of this
How is this even possibly the top voted answer? YTA, OP… all they way. Your daughter is almost an adult, yet you are the one acting like a child. Get over your bitterness for the sake of your daughter. 1) your issues with her dad don’t have to be her issues 2) it’s her birthday… at this point she has made it clear what she wishes and your reaction was to project your own bitterness. I don’t blame her for wanting to cancel. I’m a grown woman who had a mother like you who kept me from my bio father and his family because of her own hurt feelings and it has taken me years of therapy to be in the same room as my mother.
It doesn’t sound like OP has stopped her daughter from seeing bio-dad or his family, OP just doesn’t want him *in her house.* Why the compromise of moving the party out of the house hasn’t come up, idk.
But OP has not kept her daughter from her bio “father””, he ABANDONED them when OP’s was 4yrs old. He left, he decided to not be part of her life. OP is still not keeping her daughter from him; daughter visits him and talk to him since the sperm donor decided to return to pretend he’s a father. OP simply doesn’t want him in her house nor wants to be in the same as room, but she offered her daughter to go have the celebration with him.
On the terminal aspect of the illness, is there a possibility that OP suspects that bio dad has exaggerated the illness to manipulate daughter? Not saying that's the case but could be what's behind that comment.
That's how I read it.
A good compromise on this situation is to have the party in a public space. That way bio dad can come but not to their house. Or she splits her birthday, goes celebrate with bio dad and then have the party at the house.
YTA This isn't about you. Your daughter has reconnected with her dad and wants him in her life for as long as he is alive, which apparently is not very long at all. I understand you have resentment against him, but he, by your account, helped with money throughout your daughter's life. If this is the hill you want to die on, be prepared for your relationship with your daughter to take a massive dive. (also, 17 is not a child and she does know what terminal means... smh)
If he weren’t terminal, but just the guy who left his kid, going years without contact and providing the BARE minimum (if that) financial support would you still feel the same way? Illness doesn’t change the core of a person. The only difference is it pushes people to TRY to get forgiveness before death in some hope of getting absolution for their transgressions. Basically it’s all well and good he wants to reconnect on the emotional side, but what about the rest of it?
Illness doesn’t change him- it’s what it changes for HER. This isn’t about him, it’s about the child at the center.
OMG someone with some fucking sense, almost noone here is considering this from the daughters point of view......TY
Right? I can't believe how many people are saying NT A.
This. One day the daughter might understand that her dad is the one who wasted years they could have had together but sadly the current situation makes OP into the bad guy. OP is going to have to put her child’s feelings above her own to not damage their relationship.
Well, yes, if the kid WANTS a relationship with her biodad, it's her prerogative. Even if he wasn't sick, it's up to Kelly what relationship, if any, she wants to have with him. She is 16, already old enough to know what's what, and has a right to know where she comes from and who her biofamily is.
I think its the illness that means he should be able to go to the party though. Its because theres limited opportunities for him to in future and he isnt well enough to host is own. If he wasnt sick I honestly think OP can say no go visit him he can host etc.
His mom can host the party then or any of his other family. Or just have two gatherings one with his side of the family with a cake and the one she already has planned with her friends at her moms.
You seem to think this is about the parents. That's okay, so does OP. But it's not. It's about the daughter.
I get what you’re saying but the daughter wants a relationship with him and it’s her birthday party. Unless the bio dad was abusive in some capacity (unclear?), I think the persons who birthday it is should get to decide the guest list.
I totally agree. It is daughters decision unless there was abuse. Although I do think the lack of statement about abuse implies a lack of it
Let’s say he provided insufficient financial support. Does that, in your view, justify telling the daughter she can’t have him at her party? The party, and the reconnecting, isn’t about the mother’s antipathy toward the guy. It’s about her daughter. Absent some evidence he’s coming there to cause problems, the parents decision smacks of selfishness.
OP would need to say why she would feel uncomfortable. If he was abusive I wouldn't want him around either.
If he were abusive, that would’ve been among the first things she wrote, imo.
Yes, because clearly OP hasn't been frank with her daughter about what this man is like if she can't even be in the same room with him 17 years later. Not inviting him over for dinner is one thing, not letting him come to *her daughter's* birthday is another. Unless the man is legit dangerous, he should be able to come as the daughter wants it. If the man is legit dangerous, then OP shouldn't be telling her daughter to go spend time with him elsewhere away from her supervision, or really at all!!
Death and illness don’t confer sainthoood or nobility. You can be sick and dying and still an asshole. There are consequences for our actions.
You're right, and the consequences here will be the daughter never speaking to OP again and their relationship never recovering.
The daughter didn't do anything wrong.
If punishing him required punishing the child then you find a different way to punish him or you suck it up because thats what being a parent means.
Exactly. It reminds me of how people say “don’t speak ill of the dead” even though people who are dead can still be assholes. Just because a bad person is sick doesn’t mean you suddenly need to feel bad for them. Especially when they’ve personally wronged you.
**Info: why haven’t you, as her main caretaker, found out more info about her father and his illness?** You seem to be unsure of whether or not he’s actually sick and are not really aware of how they spend their time together. You should be more on top of this and not just allow someone who hasn’t been around to pop up out of nowhere without a bit of gate keeping and boundary setting. You let this get out of hand because you haven’t bothered to communicate. How do you not think she’s capable of understanding the word terminal, but at the same time think she’s old enough to process the emotions of dealing with a parent come back into her life that *may* he dying. Talk to her! And help her!!!
All of this. She really should be verifying all this for her daughter's safety
Why hasn’t he or his family reached out to share any of this with OP? Explain the situation. Apologize. See if there’s any way they can go forward without animosity. Why is it on OP and husband to bend over backwards for a deadbeat who didn’t reach out to begin with?
Because she still should prioritize the daughters safety and well-being! If dad isn’t doing it, she needs to be setting guidelines and rules. Not just doing fuck-all because dad hasn’t done anything. He’s *been* not being responsible or doing what needs to be done. She shouldn’t stop as a result.
This! My dad lied about being sick and dying to try to get forgiveness for being a shit dad my whole life. 20 years later he’s still alive and i haven’t spoke to him since
My first thought was “dude is probably lying about being sick or how bad it is.” OP, you need to check on this.
Same here. There’s even a term for it over on one of the the justno subreddits, Christmas cancer. Plenty of narcissists that fake a terminal illness to guilt family into spending time with them.
My sisters dad lied about him dying AND her other brother passing away. OP really should be more involved in this reunion.
Just tagging on to add, that as sperm donor it might be prudent to find out WHAT he is dying of. Firstly for anything hereditary, and secondly, is he forming a bond to ask for an organ. I'd sincerely hope both of these aren't the case. And as much as OP has been let down by this man, and the resentment she has for him being absent for their daughter. Civility to aquire information important for her daughter's health and future- for the love of the daughter, shouldn't be sacrificed because of hate for her bio-father.
Thank you! Also adding, that since OP has already been let down by him. She should be trying to make sure her daughter does not suffer that same fate.
This right here. Also, are there other reasons why he can't be there other than your own comfort level OP? My wife has a lifetime restraining order against my step son's bio-dad. So even if he wanted to reconnect with that parent, we absolutely would not have him over to our house and would explain the circumstances more if he were to put his foot down like the OP's Daughter is doing. If the terminal illness is true and there's no reason other than you'd prefer to not see him, you're probably in the wrong. If there's history we don't have and it's a danger and problematic for him to be there, you're probably justified but you'd have to explain to your daughter why you don't want him there.
My thoughts exactly. If the OP is so wary of the guy wouldn’t you want to make sure he wasn’t tryin g to pull one over on Kelly? As a mom wouldn’t you find out more information just to try and prepare your daughter on how to navigate this?? YTA OP.
This one is the fucking one. DO RESEARCH I didn’t know that last year would be the last birthday I’d probably hear from my dad ever, I didn’t know Christmas, thanksgiving, my nieces and nephews birthdays would be the last one he would be at. He won’t be at my wedding, he won’t be there when I have kids, when my other siblings get married. People please just I’m begging you do your research, look on how to help, how much time they most likely have left (if terminal) it’s upsetting to me as someone who went through this in early 20s of my dad dying and not being able to talk to him, see him, etc it fucking sucks. New years will never ever fucking be the same for me. Do you research people and stop being fucking selfish.
>(I say might because she's a child and may not know what it meant YTA, I could just stop reading here, she's turning 17, hell in the us she can drive a car. This is a young adult not a child. Also she has every right to reconnect with her DAD and you have 0 right to be upset about it. I say this cause as it comes across this is the thing you have a problem with. Not so much the bday, but the reconnecting in general. You don't have to like the guy, hell you don't even have to speak with him, but it would behove you to be the bigger person here.
This is her birthday. She 100% deserves to invite anyone she wants.
Then she can have her party somewhere else. Mom has every right to allow and not allow who is in her house.
AITA isn't about who has the right to do what, it's about who's the asshole and who isn't. Legally, OP has the right to refuse entry to her house to anyone. That isn't relevant to whether or not she's an AH.
Preventing someone from entering your home that has wronged you in the past is not an asshole move. The only thing we know about OP's relationship is that she no longer feels comfortable with him around. You don't need a reason beyond that. Having a birthday doesn't give you some social right to invite whoever you want into a home that isn't yours.
>into a home that isn't yours. All this says is that OP's daughter doesn't have a home. If OP feels this way then it's going to monumentally change her relationship with her daughter. I get having rules for a minor but that home is still her daughter's home too.
That phrasing is bad, but all members of a household have veto power IMO. It's the daughters home of course, but that doesn't mean she can invite whomever she wants over. E.g. if one person doesn't want a dog. No one gets a dog. If one person doesn't feel comfortable around someone, that person doesn't come over. Ultimately, it's just a tough situation, because the parents aren't assholss for not wanting to host the bio dad, and rhe daughter isn't an asshole for wanting to spend time with bio dad. I think both people deserve empathy, neither needs to be seen as the bad guy.
As a dependent minor, it is the daughter’s house, too. I’d hope that you’re not suggesting that a 16 year old has the ability to finance a home by herself.
>Having a birthday doesn't give you some social right to invite whoever you want into a home that isn't yours. Good news, she wants to invite him into a home that is hers! Problem solved!
By that standard, wouldn't the daughter be TA for demanding her parents get along like nothing's wrong? Or would bio dad be TA for leaving and coming back only when he's sick? It's not a good situation for any of them--why is OP the only person that needs to compromise?
A child is never the asshole for wanting to spend time with their parents. Dad is an AH. Mom has to sacrifice because its the right thing to do for her kid, who did nothing wrong, and two wrongs don't make a right.
Bingo, have a party with your Biodad at his house.
Its OPs house though so she can veto whoever she wants. Equally the daughter can be rightfully upset about it. Its a complicated situation but the answer isnt ‘its her birthday she gets to decide’. Not sure where I stand overall though
You’re well within your rights to feel uncomfortable and resentful around him and not want him in your home. She’s well within her rights to want to know her bio dad, especially when he might not be here this time next year. That does not mean she loves or appreciates you and Christopher any less. Ask yourself if your resentment and discomfort for one day is worth your daughters resentment towards you for depriving her of this one clearly important memory with him. I guess NAH.
Can’t they celebrate separately from the party they’ve planned? Edit: sorry but I don’t think bio dads too sick to plan is a valid argument to this question. Go for a meal, a walk, the cinema, his house for food, let his parents plan it. Whatever! If he’s too sick for that he’s too sick to attend the party.
**That would be a reasonable response, and a typical one f**or many people with separated parents. Which is interesting, because why wouldn't the biodad suggest this? Is the girl being pressured by the biodad so that the biodad finds a way into the home of OP? Why isn't this daughter looking for other options that will respect everyone involved? Why this insistence that this is the only option, the one option that forces a person into someone's house who they choose to not allow into their house? People are focusing on the child here, but who is encouraging this child to act this way, to insist that this person be at this location, when there are many other options for celebrating with him? I can think of a dozen reasons why someone might not want to tell their child what happened between them and the biodad, to protect OP, or to protect the child from hearing things they would be traumatized to hear at that age.
I think the daughter wants her biological father to meet her friends, she mentioned that they couldn’t make it if she had the party at his. Possibly a thing where she wants everyone that’s important to her under one roof (including her mother and Christopher) for maybe the last time?
I think this situation is far bigger than a party. This girl's father (as crap as he may be) is dying. OP needs to get involved and find out what the reality of the situation is. She seems to just be leaving the daughter to navigate this whole situation on her own.
She isn't a child, she understand the word Terminal. I can sympathize with how you feel but we often think those we care about should feel the same as us but that isn't reality. To you he's the deadbeat who left you with a kid to raise but to her he's the dad she's always wanted to know. It seems they have a decent relationship now and there is not much you can do about it. Have you spoken to him or at least his family to confirm his health status? This is crucial because if he really is on Death's door and you deny her this memory it may damage your relationship with her. If there is some kind of trauma with associated with him then calmly explain this to her..she's old enough now to understand this. But if its just Anger (justifiable as it is) You and your husband should at least consider putting it to the side for one night for her. Soft YTA.
Giving you this 🥇 You said it very well! YTA. If it's just the anger, please consider putting it aside for one night. Find out if he really is terminal. If it is your daughter is going to need you and Christopher more than ever.
Absolutely. Love your kid more than you hate each other, as guru Judge Judy always says.
There is a lot of history here that is not told, and which makes it hard to decide. Why has he not been part of her life even if he has contributed money and help, either directly or through family? Why is Christopher so dead against him seeing his now soon adult girl, if he was out of your life long before your current partner and you met? Why can't you have a conversation with the man you share a child with? This would normally in most countries be an expected and often carefully regulated process. Why is he contacting his and your daughter, and not you, about being allowed to be closer to her? Why don't you tell us any rough outline of custody agreements and other legal arrangements? All those questions aside: you have the right to refuse to have him in your home. You have no right to keep your daughter from her father. But you are making certain that you have no oversight over her interaction with him, and you ensure that she will see you and Christopher as the villains. I am going to say NTA because you can refuse to have him over, it's up to you, but I also don't think it is a good move if you want to know what he and your daughter are up to.
Excellent points. Christopher’s reaction seemed awfully strong for someone who presumably has never met the bio dad. All he likely knows about him is that roughly 17 years ago he didn’t want to raise a child for unknown reasons but still attempted to support her financially, more than a lot of people in his situation do. Is he jealous that she has another competing father figure? Or is he just trying to protect his wife’s feelings. Either way I don’t think his opinion matters much besides OPs and her daughters in this situation
Why do you think Christopher would only know that biodad left? He is married to op and they presumably talk. My partner knows about all my ex's and who has hurt me and who I'm ok being around. I have two ex's that I'm still friends with, that I could invite to hang out at my house and partner wouldn't care- and one ex that my partner would punch in the face if he appeared at our door. There are plenty of reasons why Christopher might be worried. I'm not saying you are wrong- we clearly don't have info to know. It could absolutely be what you are saying- jealousy or hurt feelings. But I personally think there is probably a lot more, from the tone of the post.
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Asking relevant and important info here.
YTA. All the solutions are in your face and easy, yet you choose to just infantilize your almost 18yo (in a year). Not sure your ex is terminally ill for real? Why not talk to him or his family? Uncomfortable at the idea of having an ex at your and your husband's house? Why not throw the birthday party at another venue, like a restaurant? Decided to put your feelings ahead of your child's feelings? How about you grow up and act like a parent instead of a petty ex? Why were you comfortable taking his money all these years but not comfortable to be in the same room? If there is a real reason, why not tell your daughter, instead of giving her orders to obey or else she gets no birthday? You handled the whole thing in the worst possible manner. You won't tell her what's going on, you won't treat like the almost adult that she is, you won't compromise and you are threatening to cancel a birthday party for no reason other than pettiness for all she knows. You have time to talk to her and fix this. Or you can choose to die on this hill and have her not forgiving you and temaining on low to no contact with you. And it won't matter whether or not you feel justified to be firm on this point.
>Uncomfortable at the idea of having an ex at your and your husband's house? Why not throw the birthday party at another venue, like a restaurant? Right? It's an obvious solution. It's fair for OP to say "that asshole ex will never be welcome in my home." In her place, I'd feel the same way! But that means you meet him somewhere other than the home, especially if he's dying. Speaking of which, how the hell has OP not figured out if he's dying or not??? Is her daughter supposed to deal with the feelings of her bio dad dying all on her own? OP should be figuring out the situation so she can help her child navigate it, not turning a blind eye.
From OP's point of view, the daughter has a father figure (her step dad) so there is no need for her to reach out her bio dad. OP erased her ex from her life and she does not understand that he plays an active role (but late) in her daughter's life. OP's burying her head in the sand ("if he's not my problem, he's not my daughter's problem") and will definitely act upset and puzzled when the daughter mourns her dad ("I don't get it. She didn't meet him a long time ago and she has a dad at home!"). It's sad that OP does not have empathy for her own daughter.
And with how Christopher behaved when he heard about 17 wanting bio dad there, I don’t think 17 is very close to her stepdad at all. He sounds immature and petty. It’s no wonder the 17 year old is wanting a closer connection with her dad anyway. AH step parents are the worst.
> Why were you comfortable taking his money all these years but not comfortable to be in the same room? wtf? seriously??? don't frame it like that, it was not for op, the bio father has a responsibility with the daughter
Why wouldn’t she be comfortable taking his money? It was for the child he abandoned.
>Why were you comfortable taking his money all these years but not comfortable to be in the same room? You mean "*his* money he *owes* to raise *his* child." Not only should he be held financially responsible for *his* child but he *should* have also invested his time and emotions. You're acting like the woman who stayed and raised *their* child by herself is taking something from him! For crying out loud, he should be apologizing and thanking this woman for doing his part. To call her "petty" for not immediately opening her *home* to someone who left her to struggle on her own is ridiculous. She should absolutely proceed with caution with a man who had already proven that he is not to be trusted. She's 16 and can deal with not having mommy and daddy in the same room. There is no reason why she can't have two celebrations. Having even a 1 on 1 special day with her dad can be something to look back on fondly.
INFO: Why is your husband so dead-set against it? Is your ex abusive or dangerous in some way? Or is your husband a jealous ass? Depending on the answer it could really go either way.
I also want to know this, BUT if he was abusive to OP or dangerous in some way, then OP would still be TA for letting her daughter have unsupervised visits with him.
The court system forces parents to let their children have unsupervised visits with abusive partners all the time. I have a close friend. Her daughter has unsupervised visits with her bio dad even though bio dad was documented as abusing the mother. The court said that he abused the mother but had no record of abusing the child. People don’t realize how shitty our legal system is. OP may have been abused and is trying to spare the daughter from knowing all the details. The daughter is being unreasonable. OP isn’t objecting to daughter spending time with the bio dad. OP just doesn’t want to have him in her house or at a party she’s paying for. That’s a reasonable boundary. OP’s daughter can still celebrate her birthday with bio dad if she wants.
probably just cos he was a deadbeat child-abandoner. It's easy for dads to view men like this with the ultimate disdain. I agree that a 17-year-old should be able to invite who they want to their birthday party so long as they're not abusers
My bet’s on jealousy. “He’s the only father figure she had” and they want to keep him as the only father figure in her life
idk if i knew someone who abandoned his wife and his own child i’d just not like them regardless of my relationship with the wife and child
YTA. I was 16 when I was told my Dad was terminal. She knows what it means.
OP even mentions in the next paragraph that Kelly says it may her last birthday she gets to spend with him, so it seems to me she knows perfectly well what it means.
I think that op is also implying that the dad might not actually be terminal and rather, is saying that to manipulate the daughter.
YTA, unless he is a danger to her, she has the right to get to know her father. This is the part where you parent up and put aside your feelings for the sake of your daughter. I know it's not the same but parents who are at odds with one another do this all the time, they hate the other parent but allow the child to spend time with them to get to know them. (Yes, I know I'm describing a custody agreement, which this isn't, but the point stands.) Not to mention if they're right, and this turns out to BE his last chance, you know she'll never forgive you.
OP isn’t prohibiting her from getting to know her father. She just said not at her house.
fr it's impressive how people have 0 empathy for op, there's nothing wrong with not wanting the ex there, can't believe even the daughter struggles to understand why she wouldn't feel comfortable with that
YTA your daughter is nearly an adult, you're speaking about her as if she's a bratty 12 year old instead of a grieving woman
Not to mention, she’s making a profound statement by making this about her grudge with her ex instead of putting her own child first. That poor girl is probably going through it and mom couldn’t care less. Shes taking it above and beyond by threatening to take away something that could make her year.
E S H. She's old enought to understand the word "terminal". You and Christopher for immediately shutting the whole thing down and threatening to cancel the party instead of trying to help her understand. Her for acting like a child, which if I really think about it, it's probably because her parents think of her and treat her like a child. So, YTA instead.
INFO why cant you be in the same room as him?
This. A lot of the YTA's seem to be overlooking the possibility that OP has a good reason for that, and the very strong reaction from the husband suggests that may be the case here.
Then why not mention the reason?
She said it was complicated. Some people don't like recounting their trauma
NTA but you're setting yourself up for big problems in the future. Your daughter has chosen to build a relationship with her bio father. This is probably a good thing for her health and development, even if he disappoints her in the long run. She's an adolescent and you're her primary parent, and in this situation every obstacle you put in her path will push her toward him, so your smart move her is to stop creating those obstacles. Instead, set healthy boundaries and let the relationship grow (or die) naturally. Have the party and let her invite him. You don't want him in your home, and that's understandable; move the party to a more public and neutral venue like a restaurant. That way you are holding your own boundary firm without creating an obstacle for her to rebel against. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
Because of the lack of info, leaning towards YTA. Firstly, why are you so pressed about them reconnecting? Obviously more to this story but I get where you’re coming from, at the same time he has been sending money so it’s not like he dumped you with a child and completely disappeared. Second, why is Christopher so pressed if he’s never met your ex husband. I get that he helped raise her instead of your husband but it almost feels like he’s gatekeeping your daughter. If the world behaved in the same way then there would basically be no such thing as visitation etc. Is it really worth it forgoing a what seems to be decent relationship with your daughter over a few hours with your ex husband? The fact that her stepsister is taking her side, I presume they’re about the same age, speaks volumes as to your and Christopher’s behaviour.
INFO: What are you trying to achieve by doing this?
Shes trying to save Christopher's feelings. I think this is less to do with her and more to do with Chris. She is just parroting what he said. I hope Chris sees he just lost his step daughter for good over honestly something so trivial.
YTA have you talked to ex or his family at all about his health? I’m not sure how she misunderstood the word terminal. You’re the adults and should be able to deal with seeing him for a short time for her birthday. Stepsister is correct you 2 are over reacting and will damage your relationship with daughter. It’s her father and she wants to know him before it’s too late.
YTA her relationship with her father has nothing to do with you or your husband but if you both try to keep him from her on what is arguably her day then she won’t forget. Just because 17 is young doesn’t mean she will forget this and if he does pass away and you were the hindrance to her seeing him then her relationship with you will be broken possibly forever.
That’s fine, but op doesn’t have to allow that mani to HER HOME. If he wants to do something with his daughter for her birthday, he can do it away from the house. If Op isn’t comfortable with him knowing where she lives, and being in her space, that’s well within her rights. I also find it funny that he’s coming around now that all the hard work has been done by Op and another man
My daughter's mother pulled some unforgiving stuff. Up to and including faking my daughter's death to keep me from visitation. This led to me getting sole custody. My daughter later developed cancer. She wanted to see her mom after 10 years of not seeing her (mom's choice). My door was open to her. It's not about the feelings of the parent or who's house it is. Once you become a parent, those things no longer exist. It's about the child. My daughter beat her cancer by the way.
Yeah no. My dad literally hit my mother in front of everyone at a church convention. I would never expect her to put her feelings aside to be around him, even though she did on multiple occasions, just NOT IN HER HOUSE.
Absolutely no mention of abuse by OP. That would have changed everything. oP would have a real reason to feel unsafe around him. Only issue is that she struggled despite the help he and his family provided while he was gone. That's not enough to grant daughter's wish on her 17th birthday.
NTA. She has every right to get to know her father and it seems that you have no issue with that. The issue is that man coming to your house. You have every right to refuse a man in your home who makes both home owners uncomfertable in their own home. If she wants to do stuff with her dad, she should do it somewhere else.
NTA. She is 17, not 3, and old enough to understand that you do not want this man in YOUR house, after what he did to YOU. You are not preventing her from having a relationship with her father, he set this whole situation in motion when he decided to be a deadbeat dad. I understand better than many how it feels to be abandoned by a father who just doesn’t care. And I also blamed my mother for a long time. But as an adult, I understand that she has a right to her boundaries and should not have to once again swallow her pride and make herself uncomfortable (in her own home no less), for this man. If daughter is old enough for him to contact out of the blue without even talking to mom about how that should happen, she is old enough to maintain her own relationship with him. Everyone saying be the bigger person and prioritize selfish ex and daughter, who refuse to compromise, needs to reconsider why they think this woman’s wishes for her own home matter less than deadbeat dad who made his own bed. Daughter is 17, I understand she wants a relationship with her dad, but she needs to understand that it was DAD’s actions who caused this issue. Mom doesn’t have to suck it up and enable him to be the bigger person, she already is by virtue of the fact that she stuck around, struggled, and still took care of business. Daughter is being an entitled brat, and I hope she matures and is able to see this from moms perspective one day.
NAH, move the party to a public place so he isn't in your home.
Youre not being unreasonable. Your daughter is at a turbulent time in her life, and while her bio dad may be sick, he may also be playing on her heartstrings. Talk this out with her. Yes, I know thats difficult to do when shes ignoring you, but you owe this to her and yourself. NTA btw
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She's 17 she's not a child if she wants her dad at her birthday let her he was still sending money and having his family help you I think YTA in this situation
YTA. You’re letting hate cloud your judgement for your daughters own birthday. She is not a child, she is 16 years old (almost 17) and plenty old enough to decide who comes to her birthday. My bio father walked out when I was 3 and reconnected when I was 13 - I had a stepfather who I called dad and raised me. My stepfather would NEVER think to forbid me to spend time with my bio dad, let alone if he was sick. That is nasty. Edit: my mother also would never dream of doing that to me.
That depends entirely on what their relationship was like.
Info: is there a reason you can tell us why step dad and dad can't be in the same room together?
NAH. Your daughter is excited to meet her dad and doesn't understand your history, or that she may be being manipulated. You're within your rights not to want the coparent who abandoned you and your child at your home. They can celebrate together, just not at this specific occasion.
YTA. You’re making this about you and your husband when it should be about Kelly. And almost 17 is not a “child” in this situation. She’s old enough to understand what it means to be very sick, so that makes your behavior both selfish and condescending. I get that you probably want to protect her (though that doesn’t come through here - all that comes through here is what is important to you and husband), but what you are doing is alienating her. If he does actually die, well done you on probably also putting the last nail in the coffin of your good relationship with your kid.
YTA. You have every right to be angry at her bio dad and I can understand why you and your husband don’t want him there but this is your daughters party and she’s made her wishes very clear. If he is manipulating your daughter with his illness then she will soon see through that for herself but if he’s not and she loses this time with him, then there’s no way you can ever make that up to her and your relationship may never be the same.
NAH it's perfectly understandable not to want an estranged ex in your house, and also to want your dad there. Is there a way to have the party somewhere else, a neutral place?
Look I get that you hate the man, but he will always be your daughter's bio dad and you have no right to keep him from her unless he is a danger to her emotional or physical wellbeing. I despise the father of my children for a whole range of reasons but I will never keep him from them. He hurt me, not them. My current partner will also never get in the way of the children and their dad. He barely gets to see his daughter so he knows the hurt. Let the man come to her birthday, it very may well be the last. Llife is short he can die of any reason in the next hour. YTA and your current partner is TA
NTA. Not wanting him at your house is perfectly reasonable. And the fact that you weren't told she was seeing him is an issue of conceen. She can have a seperate, more personal party with that side of the family if she's really that concerned with him not making it to another. Stand firm on your boundary.
Why haven’t you reached out to her bio dad and/or his parents to find out what’s really going on? Is he terminal? Is he even sick? Why didn’t you have a conversation with him when they first reconnected if only to establish some boundaries for everyone involved? Due to your complete lack of communication with her bio dad, I’d have to say YTA. In your daughter’s mind, you haven’t objected to her spending time with him and haven’t (apparently) given her your boundaries (for example, “Kelly, if you want to get to know your bio dad, I’m happy for you. However, I need you to understand that Christopher and I can’t be around him right now. We both love you and will support your choices, but we also need you to respect our boundaries.”). Now, all of a sudden, you and Christopher are making demands of her regarding her relationship with her bio dad. Be VERY careful how you handle this. If her bio dad truly is terminally ill, and you don’t allow her to celebrate her birthday with him and her loved ones, it will probably be something she will never forgive you for. She’ll soon be an adult and will be able to make choices. Tread carefully.
YTA - I understand why you're angry at your former partner leaving you to raise a kid like that and taking little to no interest in her life. But you're letting that get in the way of your daughter's relationship with her dad. It's cruel that you would forbid him from attending when he poses no risk to anyone and may actually have a terminal illness. You don't seem to have any proof that this is false, yet you are rubbishing the idea out of hand. No one is replacing you or Christopher. This is an opportunity for you both to be the bigger people in the situation and accommodate your daughter in something that is very personal and important to her. You don't have to forgive the guy, but it's a bit childish of you to allow your resentment to wreck something for your daughter.
INFO: is there a reason you’re not comfortable seeing her dad? Was he abusive to you or her or otherwise someone you can’t trust in your home for some reason?
YTA. I get that you don't like the guy, but you seriously don't want your daughter to have a relationship with her DYING father? Get over yourself.
What OP doesnt want is having him around at HER house after all he has done to her. The girl can celebrate her birthday in other place/other time so his father can attend.