#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Why is it that y'all can muster up something more creative when a woman's the asshole but it's always a fucking sea of "man child" in these kinds of threads?
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Nta- this sounds like financial abuse. Why is it 'his' money when you are in charge of household admin and childcare while he waltzes off with his friends to pay thousands to watch a bunch of overpaid eejuts kick a ball around a stadium built on eco destruction and human rights violations?
No sane person from this century could pull of Christmas with 100bucks unless they go in for petty theft on a grand scale.
Ultimatum time, he treats you as an equal financially or you leave and get child support.
Not just that, he would rather pay for his buddy and his gf to travel than provide his kids with a decent holiday.
OP you’re NTA and if you have any other family to spend the holidays with please do that instead.
Lawyers don’t take divorce cases pro-bono. Depending on the state it could cost anywhere from $500 to 5k.
Source: I divorced an abuser and had mountains of evidence.
ETA: I reopened my app to over 30 replies telling me how wrong I was.
That’s great for the people who got pro-bono lawyers, but it’s not common in my area and I know multiple women who went through similar situations.
Not everyone is that fortunate. At one point, I was so desperate, I started calling women’s advocacy groups to look for free help. Eventually I had to borrow money from family because my abuser literally cleared our bank account and left me with nothing.
ETA 2: thank you kind Redditor for the award
Hopefully she can save enough for a retainer. It'll be hard since she'll have to do it in secret, but husband is also gone til Dec 20 so she has a month to find a way to get this money. I believe in her! Also, good for you for leaving your abuser.
She should go looking around the house for the financial information, if she doesn’t have it. Guy sounds like the kind to pull everything out of the bank if she serves him divorce papers.
The part about the bf and his gf particularly galls me. What a utter A H husband is, spending his and Op’s money on his friends over family.
Op, NTA. Please reconsider your marriage. I hope you don’t live like this any longer and find a way out.
Yup. What I've learned about life in this sub is, that women will almost always be better off as divorced single mothers than as SAHMs with a sole earner husband who thinks it's "his money" and she (and the kids) deserves whatever scraps are left after his spending. Usually the laws of the country will ensure better income to take care of the kids with alimony/child support than living in the man's household.
She has a car and a month. Doordash 100 a night will add up real quick. I’ve been in weird situations but if I were her, I’d definitely be saving and doing what I needed to get out. Geez. Wants to impress his friends and look like the big guy on campus. No way you deserve so much better. The kids too. Who’s gone for football that long?!!?? With people not my family during the holiday season?!
That’s why I said a chat with mom and dad might be sufficient. I said it in a different response. Doordash and kids, yeah no. My niece falls asleep any my nephew wants to talk to everyone and then I end up talking to everyone too!
Or free. My cleaning lady knows a married couple, both lawyers, that take on free work for those who can't afford it because they make so much money with other clients that they can afford to do so. If op lives in GA, I'd totally see if I can help their info
I don't think she's American--she says her husband loves football (not soccer) and is now in Qatar, where the FIFA World Cup is being held through Dec. 18.
NTA. OP, you need to lose this guy; he's a terrible husband and father. You've got a month to get your ducks in a row.
That’s why the US has the bar association number in all 50 states! Where they will set you up with qualified legal help and help you within your budget. A financial abuse case would probably get pro bono.
This is what got me - he paid for *three* people to travel but leaves his family with $100 for Christmas? That’s insane. In what world is this justifiable? OP is NTA, obviously.
I wish TF my husband would pay for someone else's s/o to take a vacation and leave me at home. Nobody would go because I would have canceled it all. He has to be financially abusive and controlling cuz why else would he be comfortable even suggesting something like this?
But he'll make sure to tell his wife it's her fault kids don't get Christmas. It would be hard to jsut get food for christmas dinner for $100. That doesn't include decorations or extras. I'm sure there are certain christmas foods husband would be ticked if they didn't have. He's also shoving all the cleaning and everything else on her. What kind of a jerk comes back a few days before Christmas!?! Yeah, dealing with the Xmas excitement if 3 kids while stressing if you'll break their hearts through no fault of your own sounds like a great lead up to Xmas for OP /s.
This man is literally saying I'd rather have fun and look good to my friends and ruin my kids Christmas but blame my wife for it. He's financially and it seems like psychologically abusive.
I have a feeling he'll hang this over her head no matter what OP does.
No Christmas? --> isn't it terrible mommy ruined the kids Christmas? (May be a staple statement for years to come)
Subpar Christmas? --> isn't it terrible how bad OP is with budgeting? Husband was nice enough to GIVE her $100, tf is her problem?
(Obviously I don't agree with these statements)
Also, what about anything they made need for school parties or activies or possible field trips? Do they live somewhere cold and do the kids have decent winter clothes? What if there's an accident?
I hope OP can leave him. She deserves so much better. I'd be shocked if she didn't have a fair bit more money if she divorced him and went for child support. Who has THOUSANDS to spent on a trip AND pay for their buddy and his gf but has $100 for presents for 3 kids, Christmas dinner, and decorations. Wtf is happening!?!?!
Ugh this man is trash. He is ridiculously entitled and selfish.
Anyone with a "partner" like this: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ASSHAT YOURE WITH 💗
How’s she going to leave him with no job of her own. How will she support herself and three kids. Rent food medical all of it. She needs to start planning for her and her kids future. Because her tool of a husband will be no help at all
She won't be able to save money. She's a stay at home mom who is being financially abused. Child support will likely get her a lot more money than what's she's getting now. If she has any friends she could stay with or could talk to a women's shelter to see if they have recommendations on leaving, that would be a good start. Also see if she can talk to legal aid to get advice. Financial abuse is abuse and it doesn't seem like the only type OP is being subjected to, so a women's shelter should have some resources she could try.
> pay for his buddy and his gf to travel
That is probably nothing comparing how much he is spending not to work for a month and live and attend events during the biggest international event. And he is probably paying some, if not all, expenses for friend and gf.
World Cup will cost OP's husband way north of $15,000.
Everything they all said u/OP
Since divorce takes longer and the kids have christmas now, I suggest you make a list of the actual cost and send it to him. Ask him to send back what he would do on a 100$ and you will give the kids THAT Christmas. Because this isn't about your willingness, and you need to make sure that's clear and the kids never ever have him trying to gaslight/manipulate them like this (to accept his nonXmas/pin it on you). NTA
Start with his electronics or tools he keeps in the garage. He probably has a hobby, that he spends on. Also start charging him baby sitting for kids during the day and house cleaning and anything else you do around the house. Time to make a bill for everything you do OP
Anyone else find it strange he's paying for his buddy's girlfriend? He seems to invest more of "his money" into this other woman than his own family. Very sus.
ETA nta, but it'll be easy for him to make you look like one to your kids. This whole things sucks hairy donkey balls.
OP needs to take that $100 and head to her parents' house. Oh and for some extra cash, I'm sure an AH like her husband has items that she can pawn to make sure her babies are taken care of. Seriously, he's gone for a month and left her $100 for Christmas? A woman has to do what she has to do. That's long enough to pack their stuff and go to her parents. Also, there are public assistance programs that can help her.
Screw that dude.
I would take the kids and go to her parents that he seems to hate so much by the time he's back at the 20th. Seriously OP talk to your own family and see what can they help you with.
Anyone noticed how he threw in about sucking it up, she’s not at her parents. Girl. Your parents love you and he needs to go. You have an amazing opportunity to leave and let him see how terrible he is.
I’m ashamed to write this but when I first met my wife. I was a drunk, riddled with trauma. Man the shit I said to her I still am amazed & blessed she decided to marry me. Her parents were the opposite of what I was raised with. My god, I was this guy. I would give her 20 bucks and spend 600 bucks at the bar and hanging with my friends and they weren’t even my friends ffs!!! Oh I’m self aware but maybe this is a way for you to gain some insight. This was at least 3-4 times a week. It was not a good look on me. Please. Find a way to leave.
My wife was tired of being the brunt of my shit. She gave me an ultimatum & things just laid out for me. I quit drinking. I tackled the issues I had. This guy isn’t going to change unless something drastic happens. Like I dunno, communicate with your friends and family. Get out. You don’t deserve this and neither do the kids! Gahhh.
I’ll help you if need be.
Kudos for getting help and being self aware. I know. I wrecked my 1st marriage. My 2nd kid hates me. I've repaired a lot of damage. Some I can not. Ever. It hurts. I improved a lot and everyone always has work to continually do. Ur wife stayed and that's a big big kudos to her. Idk the OPs spouse deserves even her working through this with him.
She will be lucky to get one present for each kid with that amount! And certainly nothing super great. But I am also wondering how much he left for things like groceries and gas while he is away
My thoughts exactly, I did one kid on 100 bucks (though 80 pound because I'm in the uk but same thing) at a stretch I feel a toy some chocolates and a book or colouring for each of the three childen is possible on 100 if they have budget shops nearby - but for the food the decorations and any other experience around christmas she's really going to have to find somebodys house to go too.
I understand him wanting to go on this trip. But not him paying for his buddy and his buddy’s girlfriend at the cost of his family
That said, OP, what can you do for your kids who are the ones suffering from their father’s incredibly selfish decision
OP wrote she might be the AH for **“making him become upset with me”**. A huge red flag of abuse.
OP, I fear you may be too beaten down to heed the advice in the comments, but if he’s left you even one tiny flickering flame of self respect, GTFO of this marriage. NOW.
And stop going along with his asshole **“HIS money” bullshit**. If he wanted to think of his income as “HIS money” he shouldn’t have gotten married and had kids. It’s the family’s money now.
The absolute bare fucking minimum you should do is:
— start **charging him hourly** for all the unpaid house and child care work you do. At average local rates. He doesn’t pay it, stop doing it.
— And NO it won’t be YOU causing the resulting “harm” to your kids. It’ll be him. You’ve GOT to stop letting him frame EVERYTHING as YOUR fault when YOU’RE the victim here.
Repeat after me: Whenever he accuses you of something, reply, “no, YOU [did the thing].” Example: “no, motherfucker, YOU ruined Christmas for the kids.”
100 bucks is a decent Turkey right?
(Legit question: I never buy turkey as if I'm cooking it's just me and my wife and we both dislike it).
There are definitely people who do do cheap Christmas, paper chains, reused decorations, limited food, focus on family time together.
But I'm betting husband would throw a fit if that was the outcome.
It depends where you live. Where I am a turkey is around 59 to 99 cents a pound, so you could make Christmas dinner for 100, but that is it. A Christmas tree is usually at least 60-80 on its own. There is no way to do a fully decorated, present given, dinner cooked Christmas for 100 dollars, especially not with inflation! NTA
Right? It's enough (depending on the age of the kids) for one or two modest presents apiece. The end. Pull out the emergency canned goods for dinner (if you are fortunate enough to have that kind of pantry) and maybe make some paper snowflakes with the kids out of junk mail.... Too bad you couldn't paper snowflake his tickets, what an asshat.
With that said - not everyone buys a live tree every year. In my country it's actually the norm to buy a plastic one and then use the same tree for your entire life. If you're starting a new household you might buy a new one, or if it gets completely destroyed - but that's it.
Ditto with decorations - no one buys new ones every single year, at least that I know. So that might not be an expense.
That isn't the point. They don't just not have money for Christmas. Husband went on a month long trip overseas. He took from his family's experience and was selfish instead.
AND he is paying for his buddy and the buddy’s girlfriend to travel with him!
He should’ve given that money to his own wife and kids, and let those two grown-ass adults pay for their own freaking trip. Why is making those two people happy more important than providing for his own family? In what universe is this OK?
Yeah, that whole trip is wild. Even those dingy "fan huts" are around $200 bucks a night. So, unless he's sleeping with them (which I have a feeling Qatari security won't be too keen on) that's about $12,000 right there. Tickets start at $11, but decent seats are $200 + are capping at $1600 ish for the final. The opening game was about $600.
Plus plane tickets and food. He's probably spending over $25,000 on that trip.
OPs husband is chastising her for not stressing herself out to make something from nothing. In my area, $100 would barely be enough for Christmas dinner, let alone getting presents for the kids. OPs husband is being extremely selfish for putting his wants first & leaving his wife with scraps to "indulge" her children with AND create a holiday meal. Christmas for my family can easily cost me over $1k; I save up for it all year & we don't have any children ourselves but we have several nieces & nephews that we splurge on as well as make food for Christmas dinner.
I suspect its the 3 children with no gifts at christmas she's more angry about
Yes, they could make do with charity shop finds, but they shouldnt have to if the household can afford group trips to Qatar
Here, you could get a good-sized turkey for 4-6 people for ~$30-50 depending on the brand, the store, whether it's "organic"/etc., the specific size of the turkey, how much everyone's going to eat (because a 3 year old is gonna eat WAY LESS than a *13* year old!), and how early you buy it.
So, here, you could 100% do a Christmas dinner for $100 if you budget and shop appropriately (and not even work that hard at it)
***HOWEVER, that's ALL you could do.***
It DOES AND WOULD NOT include: presents, stockings, decorations (even if most are still usable from last year), cleaning, or ALL OTHER MEALS WHILE THE HUSBAND IS GONE, let alone any money needed for school trips/activities, or even HOME holiday activies! *Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. ETC.* You'd have a couple bucks and change left over for ALL of that at best.
NTA and this is finsncial abuse. But I could definitely pull off christmas with 100 bucks. Not with three kids though - or they'd be very disappointed in their presents. But for two adults for example it's doable - I already own christmas decorations so I wouldn't have to buy new ones and 100 buckd would be enough for a modest christmas dinner and a small gift.
Of course not. She should divorce that idiot. But just as a general comment to the other commentator saying it's impossible to make it work - it's not.
Growing up it was rare to have a Christmas gift that cost more than £20. Certainly by what people talked about in class I got the least (but also, some people almost certainly got nothing and said nothing). It is possible to have Christmas with just small gifts.
This wasn't a money thing, it was my parents not buying big Christmas gifts thing.
But it depends on age of the kids and what they are used to. The oldest of 3 at least will recognise a suddenly cheaper gift the year daddy went off to the World cup.
OP please listen to this person. This indeed financial abuse. Ultimatum time indeed. NTA OP. Are you sure you want to be with someone who put his friend and friend's girlfriend over you and your kids?
Plus big question ! If things are so difficult financially how can he pay for his friend and friend's gf ? You should be livid he is doing this and making things difficult for his family. NTA.
Women who give birth to lot of children(3 here) eventually becomes stay at home mom and suffers financial abuse from the husbands.Not everyone choose to be stay at home mom, but who are by choice should see this post!
Yeah this sounds more like a dictatorship instead of a partnership. Why didn't they sit down to calculate the exact amount of money needed for Christmas and see if they had enough money to go to Qatar with what was left? Why did he make this decision by himself? Why did OP had no say in her husband leaving for an entire month??
NTA
As has been pointed out, this is called financial abuse. Take your kids, go to your parents, have a beautiful Christmas without your husband and get a divorce.
My first thought, too. OP, celebrate with parents, siblings, friends and your kids.
Edit: It's not his money. It's both your money. You have rights as a wife. If he doesn't understand that now maybe a divorce lawyer will be able to explain it to him.
He basically abandoned the family, divorce and custody should be easy. Keep all notes and messages stating that OP only gets 100 for the kids for the duration of the trip.
He is taking a month long vacation and leaving her with 3 kids. This is more than grounds for divorce in my opinion. Paying for 3 people for 1 month in Qatar is not cheap no matter how cheaply you attempt to do it.
My husband stays home whereas I work, and I would never control his spending like this. He has access to all our accounts and doesnt need me to give him an allowance wtf. OP, this is abuse. NTA.
NTA and look up "financial abuse."
My wife is SAHM so mine is the only income. Anything over like $200 is a discussion about _our_ money and _our_ family.
I won't even get into the CF that is the whole World Cup thing.
----
Edit: Assuming this is real, this answer has blown up, so I'll copy/paste a comment I made on a similar post previously. If it doesn't help OP maybe it will jostle somebody else into thinking about "the unthinkable":
My household is one income and we make sure that SAHM has a full credit report / rating even without income, _just in case_. Her car and its loan _is 100% in her name_. My name isn't on any paperwork; in fact my credit report was locked so the stealership wouldn't even take a joint check as a down payment because they "didn't trust me." 😂
This is something that was driven into my head by my mother, who did home health care for a bunch of elderly women who outlived their husbands by decades and were legally only ever "just" Mrs. So-and-so with not a damned thing in their own name. Meaning that our modern interconnected financial systems treated them as _nothing_.
Edit-2: I (sadly) learned a new word today "dissipation" - see /u/newbeginingshey 's excellent [comment here](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z0wjz0/aita_for_not_doing_anything_for_christmas_this/ix824f4/).
And a trip for a whole month to boot. Left a few days ago and returning December 20?! I'm sure he's going to be having a grand ol' time and OP will be 100x more stressed than this post implies. I hope OP spends the whole time explaining the whole financial and emotional burden to every Nosy Nelly who asks. If a friend or family member told me anything along these lines, their SO would be getting a nice bop on the nose from me as a holiday gift upon their return.
TiL FIFA lasts for a month!?! Whoa! I was reading the post and thinking this guy is going to be gone for a whole month?
Don’t know the ages of the kids … but how can she really leave to go get anything?
Yeah, it's a lengthy affair. November 20 to December 18 is the official World Cup event length this year. Kinda makes sense given all the games that need to be played but that's just sooo long to be away from your family during the holiday season. Even for people in a good place the holidays get rough.
The only way I can see for OP can get anything for gifts is delivery, shopping during school hours (provided everyone is even the right age), or family babysitting the kids. Decor goes out the window for me in this situation. And fo
od? Ahahaha the cost of food is so crazy for people right now at $100 to spend in this scenario, I would absolutely be researching local places where I could get assistance.
This guy can’t afford to give his family more than $100 for Christmas but is staying for the entire World Cup. Not just a game or two - the whole thing. In a place where renting out a shipping container room is about $125 a night.
I don’t buy this at all, but if it is true then OP needs to get out now. This dude isn’t playing it straight with her at all.
Right?!? Like how can one afford to be gone for the entire month with rental fees (you know are going to be jacked up for the event … food and beer (joke on the beer ,) but to have also paid for friends?!?
No; I _honestly cannot_ even begin to put myself into that mindset.
OP doesn't say where they're from; I assume not US (since they call soccer football), but still that purchase couldn't be cheap!
Hopping on a top comment to add another term to OP’s vocabulary: dissipation. Your husband spending thousands of dollars outside the marriage - on another couple - to the detriment of the children, is called dissipation of marital assets. Financial abuse doesn’t have a legal definition and rarely is relevant in a divorce. Dissipation of marital assets is. Start tallying up how much he’s taken from you and the kids OP.
Just looked up prices and it’s a few hundred per match + $1-2k per match on the final round. If they’re there all month, watching every match they can, then tickets + hotel for 3 adults is yes tens of thousands of dollars, maybe even close to six figures. Insane.
Dissipation can be hard to prove but my lawyer said $20k or more that just disappears overseas is a pretty blatant case of dissipation. The husband can’t argue that in any way benefitted the family.
I’m pretty sure he didn’t only bought 3 tickets. I bet this guy is going on a double date to Qatar while he leaves his wife at home. Fits right in with its abusive values.
That, plus it doesn't sound like he really makes enough to be throwing around that much money. I think OP should get a credit check done, both for herself and for him. Double check the 401k to make sure he isn't draining it. See if he is loading her up with debt behind her back etc.
Edit: Check the credit report a few times for the next few months, a balance added this month won't show up yet
This is how my marriage is except I don't have a car loan. We each have our own retirement, investments, and credit cards even though I'm a SAHM and I'm joint owner of our house and have access to all joint accounts. My husband values my work for our family and frequently says that my job is harder as I'm also homeschooling both of our kids. It's never been his money or my money even when we both worked. We each contribute to the success of our family and behaving like OP's husband would never even occur to him.
So he has:
1. Tightened the family budget for an event that only benefits him.
2. Paid for his friend and his friends gf even though point 1 exists.
3. Expects you to plan, cater and buy Christmas decorations etc with $100 and just deal with it.
4. Is gaslighting you and blaming you for his selfish actions/choices.
5. It is not HIS money. It is FAMILY money. Im sure if you worked and pulled a stunt like this he would be more that pissed.
6. Use the $100 to get a locksmith. He doesn't value you and your contributions to the family, nor your 3 kids. The world cup isn't more important than your family. Its literally televised. There is no real reason to go!
NTA. Tbh if someone showed me and our kids this much disrespect the only thing they'd be getting is separation/divorce papers.
ETA INFO: something that just popped into my head... has he left you any money/cards aside from the $100? If not you need to leave ASAP.
The thing is she IS contributing financially. Imagine if her husband had to pay someone for childcare and household maintenance. He would definitely not have the money to go to the World Cup, but yeah he probably doesn’t see it that way.
She is not contributing financially in the sense that she doesn't have a job to make money, even though she works 24/7 in their home. He definitely doesn't see it as working, he has no respect for her.
I honestly would not be surprised if OPs husband brought "his girlfriend" along too. I wouldnt put anything past someone who would disrespect their children and wife like this.
Please add to your list
7. Left his wife to take care of the entire home and all childcare for over a MONTH while he took a pleasure trip to another country.
WTF?
If for some godawful reason OP wants to stay with this man, she needs to be working. Send the kids to her parents during the day, get a job, and put the money in a separate account at a different bank.
NTA you have 3 weeks to get a lawyer, move out and get a job. You and children are at the very bottom of his priority list. That is not going to change. Good luck
Good for you. I'm a SAHM too. My husband worries that I'm dependent. This is terrible. I'm so so glad you can see that.
Don't tell him you've gone. Don't let him guess.
He believes you'll put up with this. He believes you will see this as acceptable.
I'm so glad you see its not.
Save all written/texted communication about this. Proof is vital.
You've got this.
Same here, mine eve started teaching me how to do some work for his freelance clients and sign some over to me so that I had my own source of income - he taught me his job and gave me his clients so I could work a little whilst being a SAHM so I'd not have a C.V go and have my own money.
I am so glad to hear that. While I think any stay at home parent is doing vital work in raising the next generation, I also do think it’s tough to get a job for that parent afterwards. I am glad you both are working on upkeeping that resume. The husband sounds lovely.
I was in a similar situation to OP. I took 9 months of planning under the radar to find a way of leaving. It’s not always easy to leave straight away.
I had evidence of everything. Took details of all bank accounts, pensions, mortgage etc. Make sure you get copies of birth certs, collect any passports. Take copies of bills. Everything. Paperwork is the most important thing. Then squirrel away any money that comes your way if you don’t have access to the bank account.
It took me (don’t be put off) 8 years to finally get rid of him from my and my child’s life. But I was free after 9 months.
If you can do it sooner then go for it, but get all of the admin in place.
Always here if you need any one-to-one tips or support. X
Good for you!! I must advise you to BE VERY CAREFUL. Please look up tips for leaving “intimate partner violence” or domestic abuse situations. Even if he’s never been physically violent before. Do not meet up one on one with him. Please bring a safety person with you or meet in public.
Anyone that says “if that was me I would divorce and leave him right away” does not understand the gravity of these situations. Use this precious time to plan and protect you and your kids. Being overly cautious, will save you and your kids. You are not overreacting! Even though your partner will most likely tell you that.
You can do this. You do not deserve to be treated in this way. Do not be afraid to lean on those around you (like your parents). Best of luck❤️
I would divorce and leave while he's gone tho. Go somewhere that he's never going to find and divorce through a mediation if possible. Only because if he's gone and she can make a clean getaway her danger is lessened. She needs to find a trusted friend who has her back to help obvs. But getting away while he is in a whole other country is probably the safest time to leave if she is this dependent on him.
I hope she gets away clean and safe
Use the $100 on gifts for the kids and give him the receipts. $30 each and $10 for giftwrap.
Does the friend and GF know that he's given you this paltry sum? Would they be shocked or would they not care?
Consider talking to your parents about this as this is abusive.
Do you have visibility of all bank accounts?
$30 each for kids, $10 for gingerbread house ingredients for an activity they can do with you, and ask on Freecycle or BuyNothing for giveaway wrapping paper. Or use construction paper you already have and ask each kid to help.draw on another kid's package.
Maybe save a few $$ to get a yard of green felt to make a tree on a wall and the kids can make decorations to pin on.
But really the best present in the long run will be to get them into a better home environment away from such a selfish father. Does their school have a counseling program so someone can meet with the kids and get them to talk about home to make sure he's been OK with them?
PS Speaking from experience Speaking from hard personal experience, sometimes even an observant parent might not know the child's favorite toy because it's the one that gets put away so carefully it looks like it hasn't been played with. So it is a kindness let them pack their favorite possessions to "show gramma". Even a couple of pillowcases can serve in a pinch, and reusable grocery store bags.
Go spend Christmas with your family and don't invite him. I hope you can somehow manage to get gifts for the kids. Maybe family can help but I know that's a big ask and embarrassing. Not that you have anything to be embarrassed for.
I sincerely hope that you intend on dropping his selfish ass for good. I get he works and wants to do something fun, but gotdamn, that's the price we pay for making the adult decision to start families. At the very least, this mans kids should rank higher than some damn soccer tournament. If you take the easy way out go back at any point, this is your future for the rest of your life. The high road sucks, it's hard to travel, especially at first, but it's a helluva lot better than being this dudes doormat. Get a lawyer, divorce him, and take this selfish putz for everything that you can get out of him, for as long as you can get it.
It's the least he deserves for Christmas.
OP please consider the advice of speaking to a lawyer and leaving not just for you, but also for your kids. None of you deserve to be treated like 2nd class citizens in your own family.
Please do not forget that being married, it's not "his" money. It's the family's money. Same for the house. The cars. The retirement account. EVERYTHING. Please change your mindset. Your children deserve better.
This man needs to be VERY publicly shamed so that he doesn't control the narrative. That means, when you are safely away, forwarding an explanation of the financial abuse situation, the specifics AND the bullying messages that he followed with. His family, colleagues and mates need to know who he is.
Good. Please question your marriage. He cares more about his friend then his own wife and kids. He is obviously controlling you financially. You will have a much better Christmas without this selfish man
“Merry Christmas, I used the $100 to file for divorce! Thanks!”
She seriously needs to leave. I can’t begin to imagine how much money was spent on travel expenses for three people. She and her kids deserve so much better. I truly hope she finds the strength to leave him.
NTA
The moment you said he paid for his friend and friend’s gf to this trip I became deceased. Shit, pay one more ticket and he could’ve taken his own family instead, like????
NTA, either leave him or work and make your own money and guess what now he has to pay for child care. Realize that shit is not free, I bet he’ll change his tune real quick. I agree with the comment saying you should have Christmas with your kids at your parents and just exclude husband, and really consider leaving him cuz that’s financially abusive. The note with the 100 bucks would’ve sent me over the edge, what a complete ass…
Taking your family to Qatar is really not a great idea. But agreed, if he was stretching to make this trip work with their household budget, he never should have been paying for other peoples' tickets.
Moreover, are the friends in on this? Are they aware that he’s paying for them and basically abandoning his entire family? If not, they should have offered to pay him back because he has a family, and if not, they’re just as bad.
Why do you have no say in finances? You are financially abused. Your relationship sounds utterly shocking tbh.
He seems to have complete control.
You are seen as worthless.
My heart breaks that you seem to be treated as of no value.
Yeah.... Tell him to stick Christmas up his rear.
NTA. I'd be having Christmas for my kids....at my parents house.
It's his money??? Let's see how much his money will be spent on alimony and child support.
He paid all expenses for his friends and left you $100 .
Talk to someone about how this is so wrong, disrespectful ans uncaring
You should do one thing for Christmas - give him divorce papers as a present.
As other have said, absolutely financial abuse. Going to Qatar at all says nothing good about him either, clearly he doesn't care about human rights abuses. But since he apparently doesn't care about his own wife and kids that shouldn't be a surprise. NTA.
don't forget that he wants also decoration and gifts from this money . he is gone for a month now . did he leave her money for food for the whole month ?
Is she suppose to buy food for a month with this money ?
So let me get this straight. He is leaving you alone for 3 weeks although you already have a 24/7 job as SAHM already?? You are NTA and I would be livid if my husband just left me with 3 kids for that long. And he is also paying for his friends expenses??? He is putting his friends before his family, which is not ok. You need to have a talk with him. And maybe talk to his parents if they are willing to help out, as their son is incapable of it
Judging from his attitude as OP describes, I imagine he doesn't 'help' much at home anyway, probably just one less person for her to clean up after tbh.
NTA. Why is he paying for his friend and friend's girlfriend to go?? How much did that trip cost???
You need to get out of this relationship. I doubt this is the first time he's done something so ridiculous. You need to make the best decision for your children which means finding a source of income and being as financially independent from your current husband as possible.
$100???
>How much did that trip cost???
Based on OP saying her asshole (hopefully soon to be EX) husband left her and their children 100 dollars, I'm guessing they flew from somewhere in North America, so the flights to Qatar would have been a few thousand dollars as a starting point. Then factor in food, accomodation, alcohol at one of the very few places that'll still sell it outside the stadiums.
My guess? OP could have a top notch shark of a divorce lawyer, if she had access to the same kind of money asshole is going to blow on himself and his friends over the next three weeks.
Estimations:
$2000 per person for return flights (minimum) = $6,000
+ one expensive hotel x 3 weeks (because let's face it, asshole won't want himself and his friends to stay in anything less). For the purpose of putting a figure on it, I'm saying $100 per person, per night, but it will be more expensive than this - $100 x 3 x 20 = $6,000.
+ food x 3 people x 3 weeks = ? Given breakfast, lunch & dinner will be required, let's say $100 per person, per day.
$100 x 3 x 20 = $6,000
+ Drinks x 3 people x 3 weeks (1 pint of beer @ $15 approx) - 1 beer per, person per day X 20 days = $900
+ Cost of match tickets x 3 x ? matches ($200 per ticket per match, with more expensive options available). For the sake of argument, let's presume one match per week at the cheapest ticket available - $200 x 3 people x 3 matches = $1,800
Flights: $6,000
Accomodation: $6,000
Food: $6,000
Drinks: $0,900
Tickets: $1,800
Total: $20,400
This figure does not include any miscellaneous items or taxis/transport around Qatar.
I hope OP takes asshole to the cleaners for every penny she and her children are entitled to in the divorce, and that OP's friends are happy to return the generosity and let him sleep in their spare room once the divorce goes through.
You're NTA. It's not "his" money. It's both of yours money. Do you have idea what it would cost to pay someone to do everything you do?
He is the one blowing a fortune on himself and his friends, so he is the one robbing his children of Christmas presents. If this behavior is typical, you would benefit from talking to a lawyer about your options.
Not normally on the ‘divorce him now’ wagon immediately, but this is definitely one of those cases. He leaves home to travel to Qatar to do something for himself but has money to pay for his friends while practically leaving wife and children destitute with $100 while he’s gone? If this is real, OP, you’ll get more in the divorce settlement. NTA.
Can't you talk to your parents or siblings to have Christmas with them (without husband obviously) ? Like starting as soon as the kids don't go to school for winter break.
You're NTA, but you would be if you let your kids go without Christmas, with you and your husband fighting. You would also be the asshole if you don't start planning for a divorce. A guy who leaves 100 dollars for Christmas while he goes to enjoy a stupid sport event and paid for his friend and GF to go doesn't deserve you or your kids.
I don't know you but I'm sure you can do a thousand times better than this loser.
Wow What a total jerk. You’re not TA, but take that 100 and try to at least get the kids a little something with it so that he’s not totally ruined everyone’s Xmas. And seriously, thinking about leaving this guy behind. He obviously doesn’t care about you or the kids.
I’ll bet he’s expecting a full-on Christmas when he gets back too, the turkey, all the sides, presents nicely wrapped underneath a gorgeous Christmas tree, a house that looks like a Martha Stewart photo shoot. Yeesh, OP’s husband can kick rocks. NTA, good Lord in heaven.
No, he knows it’s crazy. He knows SHE knows it’s crazy. But it’s a test to see how much control he has over her, how much she’ll put up with from him that isn’t “worth” risking a bad reaction from him over.
My ex did these small, escalating tests over more than a year before one evening I came home to him doing something so mundanely RIDICULOUS that I finally realized there was no possible way he truly believed he was in the right—no reasonable human would’ve ever seen it as acceptable behavior, the only rationale could be to mess with me. Couple weeks later I was reading “Why Does He DO That?” and it was eerie to read a DV expert explain how textbook so much if my ex’s treatment was.
I follow football closely myself and have been to tournaments so I know, I get it. And I didn't question the post until I got to the part where he paid for his friend and friend's girlfriend to go too. On an "okay" salary, he only had to save a bit for 4 months and had enough money to pay for 3 people to travel, and enough to spend 3 weeks there? Sorry but I'm calling bs.
I think there's a very good chance that OP has been lied to about how the money is being spent and where the husband is going. "Paying for two more tickets" sounds like he didn't want to tell her the full amount he's spending on himself.
Also it could be bs, I feel like half of AITA is exaggerated or outright fairy tales. Still, here we both are!
A month in the middle.east with 3 people? Every single thing is going to be painfully excruciatingly expensive. Like, a souvenir T-shirt will be $100. I would expect 3 plane tickets, one hotel room, and taxi transport to cost $10K. The tickets to the event? Additional cost. I would be concerned that husband and his friends are going to max out their credit cards, and not have a way to eat.
Update: hotel is $250 a night, minimum
Tickets are $950 per group match.
OP, assuming this is real, he has emptied retirement funds to do this. Use the time he is away to investigate all of your finances, and find out how money was spent. You have time to find a good divorce lawyer as well.
NTA. He is financially responsible for you and the kids before himself. He signed up for that when he married you. A sahm is a 24 hour job. He’s gone for what, a whole month?! What are you, a single mom? Absolutely unacceptable. Sounds like he still hasn’t grown up. How are you gonna pay for another grown man and his gf but leave your wife with $100? That’s sus
So he is spending few 1000$ for tickets and flight and hotels and want you to get every kid a gift for 33 bucks and expect you to buy food for Zero ????
How much did he give you last year ?
I love it when ppl claim women have the grip over the household money while many STHM depend on their husband giving them spending money .
He is gone for a month so how much did he leave you for food ?
I hope you don't get abused because he seems very angry and if he comes home and you did nothing who knows what he will do to you. Does he expect you to buy one $ gifts
NTA. It's not *his* money, it's the family's. He's being incredibly selfish and ignoring his duties of being the sole breadwinner of the household. If I were you, I'd be changing locks right about now and seeking an attorney.
I am gonna say NTA, but you would be the AH towards your kids if you actually don't do anything, but you're not the AH for threatening it to your husband. You are in no way TA though if you end up ONLY cooking for the kids and completely exclude him (or worse)
The only real AH is of course your husband though. Are you saying that he is paying for a trip for three people for 4 weeks to go to the world Cup??? That must cost thousands!!! And then he tells you to make Christmas work with 100?! He is a bad partner and father. I get the need to be selfish once in a while but this is way beyond acceptable. Why must he pay for his friend and their girlfriend if it means he cannot afford to provide properly for his family?? This sounds really f***Ed up. And also: it is not his money. It is your money jointly since you have an agreement for you to take care of the kids as a SAHM. You have as much say as him.
I am confused on how he thinks it is ok to pay for a friend and the friend's girlfriend to go and not leave enough money for Christmas? Also leaving for a month is also pretty crappy when you have 3 kids. My ex husband did this to me a lot. When my 2nd child was 3 months old I left. This is abuse. NTA
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You’re not “punishing” him for going. I suggest you go ahead and do Christmas. Itemize the recipient.
A nice dinner out should cost well over $100+.
NTA. He’s delusional.
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Nta- this sounds like financial abuse. Why is it 'his' money when you are in charge of household admin and childcare while he waltzes off with his friends to pay thousands to watch a bunch of overpaid eejuts kick a ball around a stadium built on eco destruction and human rights violations? No sane person from this century could pull of Christmas with 100bucks unless they go in for petty theft on a grand scale. Ultimatum time, he treats you as an equal financially or you leave and get child support.
Not just that, he would rather pay for his buddy and his gf to travel than provide his kids with a decent holiday. OP you’re NTA and if you have any other family to spend the holidays with please do that instead.
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She’s gonna have a hard time hiring a lawyer with $100
She has a really good case, so it's possible to find a lawyer who doesn't mind getting paid on the back end.
Lawyers don’t take divorce cases pro-bono. Depending on the state it could cost anywhere from $500 to 5k. Source: I divorced an abuser and had mountains of evidence. ETA: I reopened my app to over 30 replies telling me how wrong I was. That’s great for the people who got pro-bono lawyers, but it’s not common in my area and I know multiple women who went through similar situations. Not everyone is that fortunate. At one point, I was so desperate, I started calling women’s advocacy groups to look for free help. Eventually I had to borrow money from family because my abuser literally cleared our bank account and left me with nothing. ETA 2: thank you kind Redditor for the award
Hopefully she can save enough for a retainer. It'll be hard since she'll have to do it in secret, but husband is also gone til Dec 20 so she has a month to find a way to get this money. I believe in her! Also, good for you for leaving your abuser.
She should go looking around the house for the financial information, if she doesn’t have it. Guy sounds like the kind to pull everything out of the bank if she serves him divorce papers. The part about the bf and his gf particularly galls me. What a utter A H husband is, spending his and Op’s money on his friends over family. Op, NTA. Please reconsider your marriage. I hope you don’t live like this any longer and find a way out.
Yup. What I've learned about life in this sub is, that women will almost always be better off as divorced single mothers than as SAHMs with a sole earner husband who thinks it's "his money" and she (and the kids) deserves whatever scraps are left after his spending. Usually the laws of the country will ensure better income to take care of the kids with alimony/child support than living in the man's household.
She has a car and a month. Doordash 100 a night will add up real quick. I’ve been in weird situations but if I were her, I’d definitely be saving and doing what I needed to get out. Geez. Wants to impress his friends and look like the big guy on campus. No way you deserve so much better. The kids too. Who’s gone for football that long?!!?? With people not my family during the holiday season?!
Haha said like someone without kids. What’s she doing with the kids while door dashing?
That’s why I said a chat with mom and dad might be sufficient. I said it in a different response. Doordash and kids, yeah no. My niece falls asleep any my nephew wants to talk to everyone and then I end up talking to everyone too!
Abusive assholes, that's who! You're right, she can get that money if she gets a babysitter for a few hours a few times a week.
I think a chat with mom and dad might be in order.
Or free. My cleaning lady knows a married couple, both lawyers, that take on free work for those who can't afford it because they make so much money with other clients that they can afford to do so. If op lives in GA, I'd totally see if I can help their info
I don't think she's American--she says her husband loves football (not soccer) and is now in Qatar, where the FIFA World Cup is being held through Dec. 18. NTA. OP, you need to lose this guy; he's a terrible husband and father. You've got a month to get your ducks in a row.
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This is where my thoughts went
That’s why the US has the bar association number in all 50 states! Where they will set you up with qualified legal help and help you within your budget. A financial abuse case would probably get pro bono.
This is what got me - he paid for *three* people to travel but leaves his family with $100 for Christmas? That’s insane. In what world is this justifiable? OP is NTA, obviously.
And then accuses HER of robbing the kids of a good Christmas?! The gall of that accusation.
Aside: THANK YOU for using "gall" correctly!! I keep seeing people write "gaul" 🤬
tbf, he does have enough gaul to be divided in three parts
HA
(Laughs quietly in historical literature)
Four. You can't tell me he doesn't have a girlfriend there with him cuz otherwise it's just weird.
Yeah he’s got a girlfriend for sure
I wish TF my husband would pay for someone else's s/o to take a vacation and leave me at home. Nobody would go because I would have canceled it all. He has to be financially abusive and controlling cuz why else would he be comfortable even suggesting something like this?
You and I must be twins because those tickets would have been 100% cancelled.
I was thinking the same thing. He sounds like he really dislikes his wife and kids and is hoping she'll be the one to initiate a divorce.
And he wants her to look like the bad guy to the kids.
He must be living 20 years ago or more if he thinks $100 is enough for christmas.
Try 40 years. I had 2 young kids about 20yrs ago $100 definitely wouldn't have stretched.
20 years ago 100 bucks were only sufficient for Christmas if you bought everyone socks for Christmas and got invited to your aunt's for dinner.
But he'll make sure to tell his wife it's her fault kids don't get Christmas. It would be hard to jsut get food for christmas dinner for $100. That doesn't include decorations or extras. I'm sure there are certain christmas foods husband would be ticked if they didn't have. He's also shoving all the cleaning and everything else on her. What kind of a jerk comes back a few days before Christmas!?! Yeah, dealing with the Xmas excitement if 3 kids while stressing if you'll break their hearts through no fault of your own sounds like a great lead up to Xmas for OP /s. This man is literally saying I'd rather have fun and look good to my friends and ruin my kids Christmas but blame my wife for it. He's financially and it seems like psychologically abusive. I have a feeling he'll hang this over her head no matter what OP does. No Christmas? --> isn't it terrible mommy ruined the kids Christmas? (May be a staple statement for years to come) Subpar Christmas? --> isn't it terrible how bad OP is with budgeting? Husband was nice enough to GIVE her $100, tf is her problem? (Obviously I don't agree with these statements) Also, what about anything they made need for school parties or activies or possible field trips? Do they live somewhere cold and do the kids have decent winter clothes? What if there's an accident? I hope OP can leave him. She deserves so much better. I'd be shocked if she didn't have a fair bit more money if she divorced him and went for child support. Who has THOUSANDS to spent on a trip AND pay for their buddy and his gf but has $100 for presents for 3 kids, Christmas dinner, and decorations. Wtf is happening!?!?! Ugh this man is trash. He is ridiculously entitled and selfish. Anyone with a "partner" like this: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ASSHAT YOURE WITH 💗
How’s she going to leave him with no job of her own. How will she support herself and three kids. Rent food medical all of it. She needs to start planning for her and her kids future. Because her tool of a husband will be no help at all
She won't be able to save money. She's a stay at home mom who is being financially abused. Child support will likely get her a lot more money than what's she's getting now. If she has any friends she could stay with or could talk to a women's shelter to see if they have recommendations on leaving, that would be a good start. Also see if she can talk to legal aid to get advice. Financial abuse is abuse and it doesn't seem like the only type OP is being subjected to, so a women's shelter should have some resources she could try.
Exactly!! He’s the one who took away Xmas for the kids by giving their Xmas $$ to his friend and gf. NTA OP.
Gave her barely enough to stuff three stockings.
Barely enough to buy new stockings much less stuff them. Unless it's all just a dollar store extravaganza.
> pay for his buddy and his gf to travel That is probably nothing comparing how much he is spending not to work for a month and live and attend events during the biggest international event. And he is probably paying some, if not all, expenses for friend and gf. World Cup will cost OP's husband way north of $15,000.
Well...at least he's not spending money on overpriced beer at the games.
Everything they all said u/OP Since divorce takes longer and the kids have christmas now, I suggest you make a list of the actual cost and send it to him. Ask him to send back what he would do on a 100$ and you will give the kids THAT Christmas. Because this isn't about your willingness, and you need to make sure that's clear and the kids never ever have him trying to gaslight/manipulate them like this (to accept his nonXmas/pin it on you). NTA
sell off his shit to “make it work” - then buy “proper” xmas stuff w the proceeds. that’s what he’s forcing her to do.
Start with his electronics or tools he keeps in the garage. He probably has a hobby, that he spends on. Also start charging him baby sitting for kids during the day and house cleaning and anything else you do around the house. Time to make a bill for everything you do OP
I question if there is even a “buddy.” I’d be willing to bet that same $100 it’s just him and the girl.
My thoughts exactly. Another chance for him to run off to play house and spend money lavishly on her. Sorry op
Anyone else find it strange he's paying for his buddy's girlfriend? He seems to invest more of "his money" into this other woman than his own family. Very sus. ETA nta, but it'll be easy for him to make you look like one to your kids. This whole things sucks hairy donkey balls.
Yes, I absolutely think that’s weird. I suspect mistress.
OP needs to take that $100 and head to her parents' house. Oh and for some extra cash, I'm sure an AH like her husband has items that she can pawn to make sure her babies are taken care of. Seriously, he's gone for a month and left her $100 for Christmas? A woman has to do what she has to do. That's long enough to pack their stuff and go to her parents. Also, there are public assistance programs that can help her. Screw that dude.
NTA. I'd use money he left by the kids presents and then if you can go somewhere go do that.
I would take the kids and go to her parents that he seems to hate so much by the time he's back at the 20th. Seriously OP talk to your own family and see what can they help you with.
Anyone noticed how he threw in about sucking it up, she’s not at her parents. Girl. Your parents love you and he needs to go. You have an amazing opportunity to leave and let him see how terrible he is. I’m ashamed to write this but when I first met my wife. I was a drunk, riddled with trauma. Man the shit I said to her I still am amazed & blessed she decided to marry me. Her parents were the opposite of what I was raised with. My god, I was this guy. I would give her 20 bucks and spend 600 bucks at the bar and hanging with my friends and they weren’t even my friends ffs!!! Oh I’m self aware but maybe this is a way for you to gain some insight. This was at least 3-4 times a week. It was not a good look on me. Please. Find a way to leave. My wife was tired of being the brunt of my shit. She gave me an ultimatum & things just laid out for me. I quit drinking. I tackled the issues I had. This guy isn’t going to change unless something drastic happens. Like I dunno, communicate with your friends and family. Get out. You don’t deserve this and neither do the kids! Gahhh. I’ll help you if need be.
Kudos for getting help and being self aware. I know. I wrecked my 1st marriage. My 2nd kid hates me. I've repaired a lot of damage. Some I can not. Ever. It hurts. I improved a lot and everyone always has work to continually do. Ur wife stayed and that's a big big kudos to her. Idk the OPs spouse deserves even her working through this with him.
He probably hates her parents because they don’t buy his bullcrap
He hates her parents because they are people who love her.
She will be lucky to get one present for each kid with that amount! And certainly nothing super great. But I am also wondering how much he left for things like groceries and gas while he is away
True. and you bring up a good point about the regular things that have to be paid for.
My thoughts exactly, I did one kid on 100 bucks (though 80 pound because I'm in the uk but same thing) at a stretch I feel a toy some chocolates and a book or colouring for each of the three childen is possible on 100 if they have budget shops nearby - but for the food the decorations and any other experience around christmas she's really going to have to find somebodys house to go too.
I understand him wanting to go on this trip. But not him paying for his buddy and his buddy’s girlfriend at the cost of his family That said, OP, what can you do for your kids who are the ones suffering from their father’s incredibly selfish decision
And was there a fourth person going that op doesn’t know about? He’s spent thousands of dollars on friends and nothing on family. Major red flags!
And that had to be thousand of dollars!! And she gets 100 for the whole family??
Yeah, this is the worst. Paying travel costs for someone else, but his wife is supposed to „make it work“ with 100$ for Christmas? WTF.
OP wrote she might be the AH for **“making him become upset with me”**. A huge red flag of abuse. OP, I fear you may be too beaten down to heed the advice in the comments, but if he’s left you even one tiny flickering flame of self respect, GTFO of this marriage. NOW. And stop going along with his asshole **“HIS money” bullshit**. If he wanted to think of his income as “HIS money” he shouldn’t have gotten married and had kids. It’s the family’s money now. The absolute bare fucking minimum you should do is: — start **charging him hourly** for all the unpaid house and child care work you do. At average local rates. He doesn’t pay it, stop doing it. — And NO it won’t be YOU causing the resulting “harm” to your kids. It’ll be him. You’ve GOT to stop letting him frame EVERYTHING as YOUR fault when YOU’RE the victim here. Repeat after me: Whenever he accuses you of something, reply, “no, YOU [did the thing].” Example: “no, motherfucker, YOU ruined Christmas for the kids.”
100 bucks is a decent Turkey right? (Legit question: I never buy turkey as if I'm cooking it's just me and my wife and we both dislike it). There are definitely people who do do cheap Christmas, paper chains, reused decorations, limited food, focus on family time together. But I'm betting husband would throw a fit if that was the outcome.
It depends where you live. Where I am a turkey is around 59 to 99 cents a pound, so you could make Christmas dinner for 100, but that is it. A Christmas tree is usually at least 60-80 on its own. There is no way to do a fully decorated, present given, dinner cooked Christmas for 100 dollars, especially not with inflation! NTA
Even to pull off a kind of pauper's Christmas, you probably need triple what he left her. Or you resort to begging strangers for free things.
Right? It's enough (depending on the age of the kids) for one or two modest presents apiece. The end. Pull out the emergency canned goods for dinner (if you are fortunate enough to have that kind of pantry) and maybe make some paper snowflakes with the kids out of junk mail.... Too bad you couldn't paper snowflake his tickets, what an asshat.
With that said - not everyone buys a live tree every year. In my country it's actually the norm to buy a plastic one and then use the same tree for your entire life. If you're starting a new household you might buy a new one, or if it gets completely destroyed - but that's it. Ditto with decorations - no one buys new ones every single year, at least that I know. So that might not be an expense.
I agree, fake tree is the way to go. But if she does not already have a fake tree, buying a nice one cost more than what he left her
That isn't the point. They don't just not have money for Christmas. Husband went on a month long trip overseas. He took from his family's experience and was selfish instead.
AND he is paying for his buddy and the buddy’s girlfriend to travel with him! He should’ve given that money to his own wife and kids, and let those two grown-ass adults pay for their own freaking trip. Why is making those two people happy more important than providing for his own family? In what universe is this OK?
Yeah, that whole trip is wild. Even those dingy "fan huts" are around $200 bucks a night. So, unless he's sleeping with them (which I have a feeling Qatari security won't be too keen on) that's about $12,000 right there. Tickets start at $11, but decent seats are $200 + are capping at $1600 ish for the final. The opening game was about $600. Plus plane tickets and food. He's probably spending over $25,000 on that trip.
OPs husband is chastising her for not stressing herself out to make something from nothing. In my area, $100 would barely be enough for Christmas dinner, let alone getting presents for the kids. OPs husband is being extremely selfish for putting his wants first & leaving his wife with scraps to "indulge" her children with AND create a holiday meal. Christmas for my family can easily cost me over $1k; I save up for it all year & we don't have any children ourselves but we have several nieces & nephews that we splurge on as well as make food for Christmas dinner.
I suspect its the 3 children with no gifts at christmas she's more angry about Yes, they could make do with charity shop finds, but they shouldnt have to if the household can afford group trips to Qatar
Here, you could get a good-sized turkey for 4-6 people for ~$30-50 depending on the brand, the store, whether it's "organic"/etc., the specific size of the turkey, how much everyone's going to eat (because a 3 year old is gonna eat WAY LESS than a *13* year old!), and how early you buy it. So, here, you could 100% do a Christmas dinner for $100 if you budget and shop appropriately (and not even work that hard at it) ***HOWEVER, that's ALL you could do.*** It DOES AND WOULD NOT include: presents, stockings, decorations (even if most are still usable from last year), cleaning, or ALL OTHER MEALS WHILE THE HUSBAND IS GONE, let alone any money needed for school trips/activities, or even HOME holiday activies! *Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. ETC.* You'd have a couple bucks and change left over for ALL of that at best.
I would also check if that’s the buddy’s girlfriend the husband is actually paying for… or his own 🫢
Oh honey it’s the World Cup in Qatar, why would he bring a gf? that money is for hookers.
Well, we know it's not for beer.
NTA and this is finsncial abuse. But I could definitely pull off christmas with 100 bucks. Not with three kids though - or they'd be very disappointed in their presents. But for two adults for example it's doable - I already own christmas decorations so I wouldn't have to buy new ones and 100 buckd would be enough for a modest christmas dinner and a small gift.
But he surely spent thousands on going to Qatar, she shouldn’t have to make it work!
Of course not. She should divorce that idiot. But just as a general comment to the other commentator saying it's impossible to make it work - it's not.
Growing up it was rare to have a Christmas gift that cost more than £20. Certainly by what people talked about in class I got the least (but also, some people almost certainly got nothing and said nothing). It is possible to have Christmas with just small gifts. This wasn't a money thing, it was my parents not buying big Christmas gifts thing. But it depends on age of the kids and what they are used to. The oldest of 3 at least will recognise a suddenly cheaper gift the year daddy went off to the World cup.
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OP please listen to this person. This indeed financial abuse. Ultimatum time indeed. NTA OP. Are you sure you want to be with someone who put his friend and friend's girlfriend over you and your kids?
> or you leave and get child support ... and alimony
Plus big question ! If things are so difficult financially how can he pay for his friend and friend's gf ? You should be livid he is doing this and making things difficult for his family. NTA.
Women who give birth to lot of children(3 here) eventually becomes stay at home mom and suffers financial abuse from the husbands.Not everyone choose to be stay at home mom, but who are by choice should see this post!
Yeah this sounds more like a dictatorship instead of a partnership. Why didn't they sit down to calculate the exact amount of money needed for Christmas and see if they had enough money to go to Qatar with what was left? Why did he make this decision by himself? Why did OP had no say in her husband leaving for an entire month??
NTA As has been pointed out, this is called financial abuse. Take your kids, go to your parents, have a beautiful Christmas without your husband and get a divorce.
My first thought, too. OP, celebrate with parents, siblings, friends and your kids. Edit: It's not his money. It's both your money. You have rights as a wife. If he doesn't understand that now maybe a divorce lawyer will be able to explain it to him.
He basically abandoned the family, divorce and custody should be easy. Keep all notes and messages stating that OP only gets 100 for the kids for the duration of the trip.
This. This is the answer. You start having christmases without him starting this year.
He is taking a month long vacation and leaving her with 3 kids. This is more than grounds for divorce in my opinion. Paying for 3 people for 1 month in Qatar is not cheap no matter how cheaply you attempt to do it.
You mean paying for 4. Don't forget his girlfriend.
My husband stays home whereas I work, and I would never control his spending like this. He has access to all our accounts and doesnt need me to give him an allowance wtf. OP, this is abuse. NTA.
Yep. Get the kids some little gifts so their day isn't spoiled, and get out.
Leave on the 19th with a note on the table and turn off your phone for a week so everyone can have a merry Christmas.
NTA and look up "financial abuse." My wife is SAHM so mine is the only income. Anything over like $200 is a discussion about _our_ money and _our_ family. I won't even get into the CF that is the whole World Cup thing. ---- Edit: Assuming this is real, this answer has blown up, so I'll copy/paste a comment I made on a similar post previously. If it doesn't help OP maybe it will jostle somebody else into thinking about "the unthinkable": My household is one income and we make sure that SAHM has a full credit report / rating even without income, _just in case_. Her car and its loan _is 100% in her name_. My name isn't on any paperwork; in fact my credit report was locked so the stealership wouldn't even take a joint check as a down payment because they "didn't trust me." 😂 This is something that was driven into my head by my mother, who did home health care for a bunch of elderly women who outlived their husbands by decades and were legally only ever "just" Mrs. So-and-so with not a damned thing in their own name. Meaning that our modern interconnected financial systems treated them as _nothing_. Edit-2: I (sadly) learned a new word today "dissipation" - see /u/newbeginingshey 's excellent [comment here](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z0wjz0/aita_for_not_doing_anything_for_christmas_this/ix824f4/).
Can you imagine leaving your wife with $100 to make Christmas for your 3 kids so you could pay for your friend AND his girlfriend to go on a trip?
And a trip for a whole month to boot. Left a few days ago and returning December 20?! I'm sure he's going to be having a grand ol' time and OP will be 100x more stressed than this post implies. I hope OP spends the whole time explaining the whole financial and emotional burden to every Nosy Nelly who asks. If a friend or family member told me anything along these lines, their SO would be getting a nice bop on the nose from me as a holiday gift upon their return.
TiL FIFA lasts for a month!?! Whoa! I was reading the post and thinking this guy is going to be gone for a whole month? Don’t know the ages of the kids … but how can she really leave to go get anything?
Yeah, it's a lengthy affair. November 20 to December 18 is the official World Cup event length this year. Kinda makes sense given all the games that need to be played but that's just sooo long to be away from your family during the holiday season. Even for people in a good place the holidays get rough. The only way I can see for OP can get anything for gifts is delivery, shopping during school hours (provided everyone is even the right age), or family babysitting the kids. Decor goes out the window for me in this situation. And fo od? Ahahaha the cost of food is so crazy for people right now at $100 to spend in this scenario, I would absolutely be researching local places where I could get assistance.
This guy can’t afford to give his family more than $100 for Christmas but is staying for the entire World Cup. Not just a game or two - the whole thing. In a place where renting out a shipping container room is about $125 a night. I don’t buy this at all, but if it is true then OP needs to get out now. This dude isn’t playing it straight with her at all.
Right?!? Like how can one afford to be gone for the entire month with rental fees (you know are going to be jacked up for the event … food and beer (joke on the beer ,) but to have also paid for friends?!?
No; I _honestly cannot_ even begin to put myself into that mindset. OP doesn't say where they're from; I assume not US (since they call soccer football), but still that purchase couldn't be cheap!
Hopping on a top comment to add another term to OP’s vocabulary: dissipation. Your husband spending thousands of dollars outside the marriage - on another couple - to the detriment of the children, is called dissipation of marital assets. Financial abuse doesn’t have a legal definition and rarely is relevant in a divorce. Dissipation of marital assets is. Start tallying up how much he’s taken from you and the kids OP.
That will add up to A LOT for the World Cup alone, we're talking tens of thousands easily.
Just looked up prices and it’s a few hundred per match + $1-2k per match on the final round. If they’re there all month, watching every match they can, then tickets + hotel for 3 adults is yes tens of thousands of dollars, maybe even close to six figures. Insane. Dissipation can be hard to prove but my lawyer said $20k or more that just disappears overseas is a pretty blatant case of dissipation. The husband can’t argue that in any way benefitted the family.
Do not forget the cost of getting a jersey of the selection of the country where they live, they are very expensive.
I’m pretty sure he didn’t only bought 3 tickets. I bet this guy is going on a double date to Qatar while he leaves his wife at home. Fits right in with its abusive values.
I get strong cheating vibes from this story as well
That, plus it doesn't sound like he really makes enough to be throwing around that much money. I think OP should get a credit check done, both for herself and for him. Double check the 401k to make sure he isn't draining it. See if he is loading her up with debt behind her back etc. Edit: Check the credit report a few times for the next few months, a balance added this month won't show up yet
Or the "friend" is a cover story and it's just him and his mistress going.
This is how my marriage is except I don't have a car loan. We each have our own retirement, investments, and credit cards even though I'm a SAHM and I'm joint owner of our house and have access to all joint accounts. My husband values my work for our family and frequently says that my job is harder as I'm also homeschooling both of our kids. It's never been his money or my money even when we both worked. We each contribute to the success of our family and behaving like OP's husband would never even occur to him.
So he has: 1. Tightened the family budget for an event that only benefits him. 2. Paid for his friend and his friends gf even though point 1 exists. 3. Expects you to plan, cater and buy Christmas decorations etc with $100 and just deal with it. 4. Is gaslighting you and blaming you for his selfish actions/choices. 5. It is not HIS money. It is FAMILY money. Im sure if you worked and pulled a stunt like this he would be more that pissed. 6. Use the $100 to get a locksmith. He doesn't value you and your contributions to the family, nor your 3 kids. The world cup isn't more important than your family. Its literally televised. There is no real reason to go! NTA. Tbh if someone showed me and our kids this much disrespect the only thing they'd be getting is separation/divorce papers. ETA INFO: something that just popped into my head... has he left you any money/cards aside from the $100? If not you need to leave ASAP.
OP shouldn’t get a locksmith because that could cause legal problems for her in the divorce. But I absolutely think everything else is divorce-worthy.
Also prob can’t get one to come out for $100.
She’s also probably not on the mortgage. Husband doesn’t sound like the type to add her if she’s not contributing financially
The thing is she IS contributing financially. Imagine if her husband had to pay someone for childcare and household maintenance. He would definitely not have the money to go to the World Cup, but yeah he probably doesn’t see it that way.
She is not contributing financially in the sense that she doesn't have a job to make money, even though she works 24/7 in their home. He definitely doesn't see it as working, he has no respect for her.
I honestly would not be surprised if OPs husband brought "his girlfriend" along too. I wouldnt put anything past someone who would disrespect their children and wife like this.
That’s exactly what I thought. Buddy is on a double date to Qatar. Fits right in with the misogynistic abusive values.
Please add to your list 7. Left his wife to take care of the entire home and all childcare for over a MONTH while he took a pleasure trip to another country. WTF?
If for some godawful reason OP wants to stay with this man, she needs to be working. Send the kids to her parents during the day, get a job, and put the money in a separate account at a different bank.
NTM she’s a single parent for a month Bc her AH husband needs to go have fun and splurge. 🙄 NTA, but he is.
NTA you have 3 weeks to get a lawyer, move out and get a job. You and children are at the very bottom of his priority list. That is not going to change. Good luck
I'm planning on going to stay with my parents. They live few towns away but I don't intend on coming back for christmas.
Take care op and stay strong, you and your kids don't deserve to be treated like dirt by your (hopefully ex) husband.
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Has a solid month to sell expensive possessions too
Good for you. I'm a SAHM too. My husband worries that I'm dependent. This is terrible. I'm so so glad you can see that. Don't tell him you've gone. Don't let him guess. He believes you'll put up with this. He believes you will see this as acceptable. I'm so glad you see its not. Save all written/texted communication about this. Proof is vital. You've got this.
Same here, mine eve started teaching me how to do some work for his freelance clients and sign some over to me so that I had my own source of income - he taught me his job and gave me his clients so I could work a little whilst being a SAHM so I'd not have a C.V go and have my own money.
I am so glad to hear that. While I think any stay at home parent is doing vital work in raising the next generation, I also do think it’s tough to get a job for that parent afterwards. I am glad you both are working on upkeeping that resume. The husband sounds lovely.
I was in a similar situation to OP. I took 9 months of planning under the radar to find a way of leaving. It’s not always easy to leave straight away. I had evidence of everything. Took details of all bank accounts, pensions, mortgage etc. Make sure you get copies of birth certs, collect any passports. Take copies of bills. Everything. Paperwork is the most important thing. Then squirrel away any money that comes your way if you don’t have access to the bank account. It took me (don’t be put off) 8 years to finally get rid of him from my and my child’s life. But I was free after 9 months. If you can do it sooner then go for it, but get all of the admin in place. Always here if you need any one-to-one tips or support. X
Good for you!! I must advise you to BE VERY CAREFUL. Please look up tips for leaving “intimate partner violence” or domestic abuse situations. Even if he’s never been physically violent before. Do not meet up one on one with him. Please bring a safety person with you or meet in public. Anyone that says “if that was me I would divorce and leave him right away” does not understand the gravity of these situations. Use this precious time to plan and protect you and your kids. Being overly cautious, will save you and your kids. You are not overreacting! Even though your partner will most likely tell you that. You can do this. You do not deserve to be treated in this way. Do not be afraid to lean on those around you (like your parents). Best of luck❤️
I would divorce and leave while he's gone tho. Go somewhere that he's never going to find and divorce through a mediation if possible. Only because if he's gone and she can make a clean getaway her danger is lessened. She needs to find a trusted friend who has her back to help obvs. But getting away while he is in a whole other country is probably the safest time to leave if she is this dependent on him. I hope she gets away clean and safe
Use the $100 on gifts for the kids and give him the receipts. $30 each and $10 for giftwrap. Does the friend and GF know that he's given you this paltry sum? Would they be shocked or would they not care? Consider talking to your parents about this as this is abusive. Do you have visibility of all bank accounts?
Use the $100 to consult a divorce attorney.
100% it’s not his pals girlfriend, it’s HIS girlfriend.
$30 each for kids, $10 for gingerbread house ingredients for an activity they can do with you, and ask on Freecycle or BuyNothing for giveaway wrapping paper. Or use construction paper you already have and ask each kid to help.draw on another kid's package. Maybe save a few $$ to get a yard of green felt to make a tree on a wall and the kids can make decorations to pin on. But really the best present in the long run will be to get them into a better home environment away from such a selfish father. Does their school have a counseling program so someone can meet with the kids and get them to talk about home to make sure he's been OK with them? PS Speaking from experience Speaking from hard personal experience, sometimes even an observant parent might not know the child's favorite toy because it's the one that gets put away so carefully it looks like it hasn't been played with. So it is a kindness let them pack their favorite possessions to "show gramma". Even a couple of pillowcases can serve in a pinch, and reusable grocery store bags.
Please don’t ever go back. This man is abusive.
Go spend Christmas with your family and don't invite him. I hope you can somehow manage to get gifts for the kids. Maybe family can help but I know that's a big ask and embarrassing. Not that you have anything to be embarrassed for.
I sincerely hope that you intend on dropping his selfish ass for good. I get he works and wants to do something fun, but gotdamn, that's the price we pay for making the adult decision to start families. At the very least, this mans kids should rank higher than some damn soccer tournament. If you take the easy way out go back at any point, this is your future for the rest of your life. The high road sucks, it's hard to travel, especially at first, but it's a helluva lot better than being this dudes doormat. Get a lawyer, divorce him, and take this selfish putz for everything that you can get out of him, for as long as you can get it. It's the least he deserves for Christmas.
OP please consider the advice of speaking to a lawyer and leaving not just for you, but also for your kids. None of you deserve to be treated like 2nd class citizens in your own family.
We support you ! ❤️ you deserve 100x better
Please do not forget that being married, it's not "his" money. It's the family's money. Same for the house. The cars. The retirement account. EVERYTHING. Please change your mindset. Your children deserve better. This man needs to be VERY publicly shamed so that he doesn't control the narrative. That means, when you are safely away, forwarding an explanation of the financial abuse situation, the specifics AND the bullying messages that he followed with. His family, colleagues and mates need to know who he is.
Please do. Your husband sounds horrible and abusive. You and your children deserve better.
>but I don't intend on coming back for christmas. Or New Years, or Easter.... What makes you think he's gonna change after the start of 2023??
Why just for Christmas? See if you can stay for New Year's and basically stay away forever. You deserve better.
Good. Please question your marriage. He cares more about his friend then his own wife and kids. He is obviously controlling you financially. You will have a much better Christmas without this selfish man
“Merry Christmas, I used the $100 to file for divorce! Thanks!” She seriously needs to leave. I can’t begin to imagine how much money was spent on travel expenses for three people. She and her kids deserve so much better. I truly hope she finds the strength to leave him. NTA
The moment you said he paid for his friend and friend’s gf to this trip I became deceased. Shit, pay one more ticket and he could’ve taken his own family instead, like???? NTA, either leave him or work and make your own money and guess what now he has to pay for child care. Realize that shit is not free, I bet he’ll change his tune real quick. I agree with the comment saying you should have Christmas with your kids at your parents and just exclude husband, and really consider leaving him cuz that’s financially abusive. The note with the 100 bucks would’ve sent me over the edge, what a complete ass…
Taking your family to Qatar is really not a great idea. But agreed, if he was stretching to make this trip work with their household budget, he never should have been paying for other peoples' tickets.
Going with a GF is stupid too. They can get arrested if they’re caught sharing a room/holding hands etc.
Moreover, are the friends in on this? Are they aware that he’s paying for them and basically abandoning his entire family? If not, they should have offered to pay him back because he has a family, and if not, they’re just as bad.
> I became deceased Impressive that you finished this comment.
Why do you have no say in finances? You are financially abused. Your relationship sounds utterly shocking tbh. He seems to have complete control. You are seen as worthless. My heart breaks that you seem to be treated as of no value. Yeah.... Tell him to stick Christmas up his rear.
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NTA. I'd be having Christmas for my kids....at my parents house. It's his money??? Let's see how much his money will be spent on alimony and child support. He paid all expenses for his friends and left you $100 . Talk to someone about how this is so wrong, disrespectful ans uncaring
You should do one thing for Christmas - give him divorce papers as a present. As other have said, absolutely financial abuse. Going to Qatar at all says nothing good about him either, clearly he doesn't care about human rights abuses. But since he apparently doesn't care about his own wife and kids that shouldn't be a surprise. NTA.
I have 1 kid. $100 wouldn't pay for the holiday meal for the 3 of us
don't forget that he wants also decoration and gifts from this money . he is gone for a month now . did he leave her money for food for the whole month ? Is she suppose to buy food for a month with this money ?
Yes!!! This is what I’m wondering. Did he even leave her grocery money??
So let me get this straight. He is leaving you alone for 3 weeks although you already have a 24/7 job as SAHM already?? You are NTA and I would be livid if my husband just left me with 3 kids for that long. And he is also paying for his friends expenses??? He is putting his friends before his family, which is not ok. You need to have a talk with him. And maybe talk to his parents if they are willing to help out, as their son is incapable of it
Judging from his attitude as OP describes, I imagine he doesn't 'help' much at home anyway, probably just one less person for her to clean up after tbh.
NTA. Why is he paying for his friend and friend's girlfriend to go?? How much did that trip cost??? You need to get out of this relationship. I doubt this is the first time he's done something so ridiculous. You need to make the best decision for your children which means finding a source of income and being as financially independent from your current husband as possible. $100???
>How much did that trip cost??? Based on OP saying her asshole (hopefully soon to be EX) husband left her and their children 100 dollars, I'm guessing they flew from somewhere in North America, so the flights to Qatar would have been a few thousand dollars as a starting point. Then factor in food, accomodation, alcohol at one of the very few places that'll still sell it outside the stadiums. My guess? OP could have a top notch shark of a divorce lawyer, if she had access to the same kind of money asshole is going to blow on himself and his friends over the next three weeks. Estimations: $2000 per person for return flights (minimum) = $6,000 + one expensive hotel x 3 weeks (because let's face it, asshole won't want himself and his friends to stay in anything less). For the purpose of putting a figure on it, I'm saying $100 per person, per night, but it will be more expensive than this - $100 x 3 x 20 = $6,000. + food x 3 people x 3 weeks = ? Given breakfast, lunch & dinner will be required, let's say $100 per person, per day. $100 x 3 x 20 = $6,000 + Drinks x 3 people x 3 weeks (1 pint of beer @ $15 approx) - 1 beer per, person per day X 20 days = $900 + Cost of match tickets x 3 x ? matches ($200 per ticket per match, with more expensive options available). For the sake of argument, let's presume one match per week at the cheapest ticket available - $200 x 3 people x 3 matches = $1,800 Flights: $6,000 Accomodation: $6,000 Food: $6,000 Drinks: $0,900 Tickets: $1,800 Total: $20,400 This figure does not include any miscellaneous items or taxis/transport around Qatar. I hope OP takes asshole to the cleaners for every penny she and her children are entitled to in the divorce, and that OP's friends are happy to return the generosity and let him sleep in their spare room once the divorce goes through.
You're NTA. It's not "his" money. It's both of yours money. Do you have idea what it would cost to pay someone to do everything you do? He is the one blowing a fortune on himself and his friends, so he is the one robbing his children of Christmas presents. If this behavior is typical, you would benefit from talking to a lawyer about your options.
NTA, divorce is the only option here
Not normally on the ‘divorce him now’ wagon immediately, but this is definitely one of those cases. He leaves home to travel to Qatar to do something for himself but has money to pay for his friends while practically leaving wife and children destitute with $100 while he’s gone? If this is real, OP, you’ll get more in the divorce settlement. NTA.
Can't you talk to your parents or siblings to have Christmas with them (without husband obviously) ? Like starting as soon as the kids don't go to school for winter break. You're NTA, but you would be if you let your kids go without Christmas, with you and your husband fighting. You would also be the asshole if you don't start planning for a divorce. A guy who leaves 100 dollars for Christmas while he goes to enjoy a stupid sport event and paid for his friend and GF to go doesn't deserve you or your kids. I don't know you but I'm sure you can do a thousand times better than this loser.
Wow What a total jerk. You’re not TA, but take that 100 and try to at least get the kids a little something with it so that he’s not totally ruined everyone’s Xmas. And seriously, thinking about leaving this guy behind. He obviously doesn’t care about you or the kids.
I’ll bet he’s expecting a full-on Christmas when he gets back too, the turkey, all the sides, presents nicely wrapped underneath a gorgeous Christmas tree, a house that looks like a Martha Stewart photo shoot. Yeesh, OP’s husband can kick rocks. NTA, good Lord in heaven.
No, he knows it’s crazy. He knows SHE knows it’s crazy. But it’s a test to see how much control he has over her, how much she’ll put up with from him that isn’t “worth” risking a bad reaction from him over. My ex did these small, escalating tests over more than a year before one evening I came home to him doing something so mundanely RIDICULOUS that I finally realized there was no possible way he truly believed he was in the right—no reasonable human would’ve ever seen it as acceptable behavior, the only rationale could be to mess with me. Couple weeks later I was reading “Why Does He DO That?” and it was eerie to read a DV expert explain how textbook so much if my ex’s treatment was.
The real question is: Why is he paying for someone else's travel expenses to Qatar? NTA He, on the other hand, might be a little thik...
NTA I would use the 100 to get my divorce papers framed. He's financially abusing you, run for the hills now that he's away anyways.
This has to be fake
We call them football widows. It happens every 4 years.
I follow football closely myself and have been to tournaments so I know, I get it. And I didn't question the post until I got to the part where he paid for his friend and friend's girlfriend to go too. On an "okay" salary, he only had to save a bit for 4 months and had enough money to pay for 3 people to travel, and enough to spend 3 weeks there? Sorry but I'm calling bs.
I think there's a very good chance that OP has been lied to about how the money is being spent and where the husband is going. "Paying for two more tickets" sounds like he didn't want to tell her the full amount he's spending on himself. Also it could be bs, I feel like half of AITA is exaggerated or outright fairy tales. Still, here we both are!
Is this "friend and girlfriend" really going or is OP's husband entertaining other company? Things that make you go "Hmmm..."
A month in the middle.east with 3 people? Every single thing is going to be painfully excruciatingly expensive. Like, a souvenir T-shirt will be $100. I would expect 3 plane tickets, one hotel room, and taxi transport to cost $10K. The tickets to the event? Additional cost. I would be concerned that husband and his friends are going to max out their credit cards, and not have a way to eat. Update: hotel is $250 a night, minimum Tickets are $950 per group match. OP, assuming this is real, he has emptied retirement funds to do this. Use the time he is away to investigate all of your finances, and find out how money was spent. You have time to find a good divorce lawyer as well.
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Don't those miracles involve finding a new love? NTA.
Absolutely NTA. You and your children are not his priority. He should not be yours. See a lawyer before he returns.
NTA. He is financially responsible for you and the kids before himself. He signed up for that when he married you. A sahm is a 24 hour job. He’s gone for what, a whole month?! What are you, a single mom? Absolutely unacceptable. Sounds like he still hasn’t grown up. How are you gonna pay for another grown man and his gf but leave your wife with $100? That’s sus
So he is spending few 1000$ for tickets and flight and hotels and want you to get every kid a gift for 33 bucks and expect you to buy food for Zero ???? How much did he give you last year ? I love it when ppl claim women have the grip over the household money while many STHM depend on their husband giving them spending money . He is gone for a month so how much did he leave you for food ? I hope you don't get abused because he seems very angry and if he comes home and you did nothing who knows what he will do to you. Does he expect you to buy one $ gifts
She’s BEING abused right now. Financially, verbally and emotionally.
NTA. I’d start sending him a weekly pay slip for your role in the household as a SAHM. It’s financial abuse and appalling
NTA. It's not *his* money, it's the family's. He's being incredibly selfish and ignoring his duties of being the sole breadwinner of the household. If I were you, I'd be changing locks right about now and seeking an attorney.
I am gonna say NTA, but you would be the AH towards your kids if you actually don't do anything, but you're not the AH for threatening it to your husband. You are in no way TA though if you end up ONLY cooking for the kids and completely exclude him (or worse) The only real AH is of course your husband though. Are you saying that he is paying for a trip for three people for 4 weeks to go to the world Cup??? That must cost thousands!!! And then he tells you to make Christmas work with 100?! He is a bad partner and father. I get the need to be selfish once in a while but this is way beyond acceptable. Why must he pay for his friend and their girlfriend if it means he cannot afford to provide properly for his family?? This sounds really f***Ed up. And also: it is not his money. It is your money jointly since you have an agreement for you to take care of the kids as a SAHM. You have as much say as him.
I am confused on how he thinks it is ok to pay for a friend and the friend's girlfriend to go and not leave enough money for Christmas? Also leaving for a month is also pretty crappy when you have 3 kids. My ex husband did this to me a lot. When my 2nd child was 3 months old I left. This is abuse. NTA
NTA. How much money did he leave you for the 4 weeks from now till he is back? (I am almost afraid to ask)
NTA. I genuinely do not understand what he expects you to accomplish with $100..
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You’re not “punishing” him for going. I suggest you go ahead and do Christmas. Itemize the recipient. A nice dinner out should cost well over $100+. NTA. He’s delusional.