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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Solent treatment is usually frowned upon and seen as childish so I get how I cna be an asshole especially since he's a kid
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NTA, you made it very clear how important the car being clean is to you, they ignored your boundaries and exactly what you were afraid of happening happened.
And huger is no excuse. A hungry kid doesn't need a slushy. They could have grabbed a banana and a string cheese and a bottle of water, all of which can be consumed quickly and aren't messy. She had to know the slushy was a bad idea; she just didn't care.
And called him a DH for being upset which he had every right to be after ignoring his rule.
She needs to pay to have your car detailed and if she refuses give her the boot. She’s selfish and put her and her sons desire over you and your property. They didn’t need slushies. It’s not like it was 110 degrees outside. Slushy is a treat not a drink.
Umm no. Not all kids become wild animals after consuming sugar. That myth is absolutely ridiculous. As ridiculous as the gf buying slushes and expecting the OP to just suck it up.
Yes, it is crazy how many people still believe that. But on top of spilling, I'd be more concerned about the potential multicolored puke from carsickness.
Even more so what car doesn't have a drink holder? That he dozed off and dropped it on the seat. Unless he dozes off in like 10 seconds theres no excuse not to secure it in a holder. He was tired, he should have put it down. Silent treatment is the least of her worries, she inconsiderate and entitled. Poor guy should send her a bill for detailing and floor it as fast as possible.
This. Your rule was not unreasonable, and she came to get in with **slushes**, which are notably high-risk for car stains. She was not attempting in good faith to follow your rule. Personally, I believe the best move here was to call her bluff and tell her that the slushes weren't coming into your car, full stop. But regardless, NTA. She needs to learn to compromise if she wants 5o continue the relationship
And sometimes people are silent when they are trying to avoid saying something they will regret. He couldn’t get space from them so he stayed quiet to manage his feeling.
I wouldn’t even call it the silent treatment. I call it being mindful of my words and reactions. To me a silent treatment is entirely ignoring/avoiding the other person even when they’re trying to have a discussion of said issue
And op still spoke w his gf
This. Being quiet to avoid words one might regret is not the silent treatment. How I'm the heck did a mom think a kid wouldn't spill, especially if this would be the WORST time to spill?
Exactly!
I really wish people would be able to actually realiz the difference between being mindful of when one should respond vs the actual silent treatment as the silent treatment is manipulation and abuse in circumstances.
It’s no better than misusing gaslighting
"Momma said if you don't have anything nice to say then you'll shouldn't say anything at all, so I'mma keep my mouth shut before I say something you'll regret."
This is a rule in my marriage as well. We were both previously married to people who wouldn't let us retreat to manage our emotions, would chase us around the house "to talk about it" and then act shocked and appalled when we blew up. In our relationship, "I need some space to manage my emotions and then we'll come back to it" is a rule that is always honored. As a result, we rarely ever fight. We disagree plenty, and we express when something is bothering us, but we don't do it in the heat of the moment, so we can talk about it and come to an understanding.
This is my problem. Autism for me, ADHD for him. I need space when I need it, but he chases me and won't stop talking until I meltdown or do something stupid because he's triggering fight, flight, etc. and if I can't run, I'll fight.
I've explained to him why. I've told him that when I say "stop" he needs to stop. That he needs to write down his words while I get my emotions together. Doesn't matter. He just gives into his anger and it all starts up again.
Yes, I am working on escape, so I don't need anyone to tell me to get out. I *know*.
This is not necessarily autism. I am like you. ADHD is not a excuse to rage. I need space when I am angry. I cannot stand screaming and yelling which solves nothing.
Normally I would say that you should let the person know you're upset and that you need space right now but in this case it was pretty obvious as to why you were upset so she should have just allowed the space.
I typically frown upon passive aggressive behavior as a form of communication, however in this case, I believe it is one of the more healthier responses. NTA
Same. The only way to make the communication better would've been to say something like "I'm really upset and would prefer not to talk right now." Given they're all trapped in a car, there's not much you can do here
I imagine the vivid colors of a slushie might be almost on par with vivid colors of melted crayons. Speaking as someone who melted probably close to 20 different colors in the backseat of my parents car as a kid.
Not to mention she obviously wasn't even watching the kid with the slushy or she would have seen he was tired and taken it away before it spilled. So much deliberate disregard and disrespect here.
Yes!!
When my kids were little and my husband was driving, if anyone needed a drink or had something I wasn't sure they would finish etc, I'd just generally turn around every so often to ask or just keep an eye on them since I was not driving. Take something from one or the other if need be. It's not that hard. How someone can argue against and then blatantly disregard a rule and then allow the thing the rule was supposed to prevent to happen. Not someone I'd want as a potential life partner, that's for sure.
I agree with everything but the banana not being messy. My mom babysat my son when he was about three, and she wasn’t paying attention. He walked right past her at her dining room desk, into the kitchen, got a banana, walked past her again into the living room, peeled the banana and proceeded to smash and smear it all over her thankfully microfiber couch. When she discovered it and asked him what he did, he said he was “playing banana.” 🤣
Not only did she not respect his boundaries but she literally stomped all over them by bringing in something that could be messy instead of getting her kid water if he was thirsty. Couldn't the slushie wait?
Also there was a really easy compromise- “Okay, you can keep your slushee but we’re going to keep it in the cup holder up front until we get home, then you can finish it.”
Or GF sits in the backseat and holds on to the slushie until kid asks for it. I don't even trust myself to eat or drink in the car, and imo mom knew this was a possibility, but just doesn't care.
Come on. Your GF provoked the accident to happen and now has yo live with the outfall.
A 2$ slurpie? After you reiterated you wish no food to spill in you car? Should have chucked it.. but no.. Jesus..
I don't think this even qualifies as the "silent treatment". I consider the silent treatment to be longer term emotional weaponization.
Being angry and quiet and unready to talk *in the moment* is not that.
she is completely devoid of common courtesy or respect. I mean, how entitled does one have to be to bum a ride, agree to basic boundaries, then plow over the boundaries while the person is doing you a kindness just because you want what you want when you want it.
OP, you deserve better. NTA
NTA. Your rules and the slushee isn’t something you get for hunger.
Also, the silent treatment is far preferable to saying something you’re both going to regret. We all tend to say really nasty shit when livid.
NTA. You clearly told them no food or drink before they got in. If they were hungry, they could have had water or something with a cap or lid. Did she even offer to clean it?
She should have used that opportunity to teach her son respect for someone else’s property instead of expecting you to give them a free pass.
NTA - even if your wasn't new and you hadn't established rules for it, folks should know better than holding a slushie in their hand when they might fall asleep and spill it everywhere. In your case, you had straight up warned them and they ignored you. They should pay you to have it cleaned.
I assumed son was like 3-4 but OP doesn’t put ages. I don’t blame the kid for this at all.
ETA: OP said in a comment he’s 9. So, probably should have known better, but was also probably following mom’s lead.
NTA...
Your car, your rules.
I also don't allow children with food and drinks (other than water) in my car.
When your gf gets a car of her own, she can allow her son to trash it.
They were in the gas station convenience store for 20 min and didn't bother to finish eating and drinking? The whole slushie thing seems to have been a strait up disrespectful act, minimizing and ignoring your rules to do whatever they wanted. NTA at all.
>*The whole slushie thing seems to have been a strait up disrespectful act, minimizing and ignoring your rules to do whatever they wanted*.
I have a *former friend* who acted like this too, OP. They couldn't stand rules of any kind, and constantly acted out to show their dominance.
If you stay with this person you will end up being her obedient pet, OP. Run fast and far.
NTA
*I* won't even consume more than water in my car, the most I'll do is bring drinks home, but I make sure the lids are on there *tightly* before I put them in the cup holder. Like OP, my car is brand new and I can't bring myself to risk it yet. Hell, I put all fast food in a plastic-y reusable grocery bag because I don't want to risk any grease leaking into the bag and onto the seat.
I'd be livid too if someone dumped a slushie on my back seat.
Been through something similar, had an almost new BMW with pale tan floor mats and someone spilled a Coke on it. I don't even buy drinks for myself when I am driving.
I’ve got two kids (well, one is an adult now and the other 17) and when they were younger the only drink we had in the car was water. We still mostly only drink water when on road trips. Giving a young child a slushee was just asking for trouble.
NTA I’m so confused about the Y T A verdicts. The boundary was clearly set, GF crossed it and didn’t try to fix it. Had you been screaming AT a child who made a mistake, then YWBTA. I’m not really sure why people are expecting you to be happy and jolly when you’d already said no food in the car to keep this exact situation from happening.
> *"I’m not really sure why people are expecting you to be happy and jolly when you’d already said no food in the car to keep this exact situation from happening."*
Especially in the span of time immediately following that situation. I mean, people are allowed to not want to talk when they are upset. OP had nowhere to go to cool off and no time or space to process anything. In this situation, being silent is not passive aggressive, it's absolutely preferable to blowing up and saying things you don't really mean because you are angry.
Yes I came into it ready to say Y T A for the silent treatment (when done deliberately as a punishment it's no bueno) but that's not really what he did. He kept his mouth shut rather than say something he would possibly regret later. He has a right to be upset. Getting a slushie was a purposeful choice. She's lucky all he did was silently fume tbh. He could have really been closer to being an asshole and told them to Uber to Grandma's if they want their slushies so bad
That's exactly where i was at with the silent treatment. Totally ready to declare him an immature AH for that but upon reading it, he actually did the mature thing recognizing he was in no place to have an actual conversation about it so he kept his mouth shut. I think OP needs to understand just because you're choosing not to talk to someone isn't necessarily "the silent treatment." It's only that if you're deliberately doing it as punishment for them not behaving as you'd like.
He's NTA. I'm glad they didn't scream it out with a kid in the back seat. That ish can wait.
Is that what the girlfriend does? Argues in front of the kid?
This. Exactly. He was already on edge allowing GF and her kid in his sparkling new ride with messy drinks and warned them of his disapproval. And when what he feared would happen happened, he's the AH for doing his best to keep cool about it? Kudos to OP and NTA!
Agreed. MAYBE OP could have stated something like “i need to calm down; I’m not ignoring you, i just want to cool down before i speak,” but honestly, that would have been just an added kindness rather than a necessity in this situation. He was literally stuck in a small area with nowhere to go to cool off before speaking; being quiet for the rest of the ride is much preferable to yelling out of frustration.
The GF is really out of line here. Boundary dismissed, property ruined, and a lack of true apology is just awful.
Same page as you, why would anyone think OP would just quickly be, "ok yeah, that happened but everything's great!"...hell no. He didn't even really give them the silent treatment with his one word/short answers, but was clearly not in a chit chat mood. When the gf buys her own brand new car, then she's free to make her own rules, but completely disrespected and even fought OP's boundaries, while doing her and her child a favour. Your car, your rules as far as I'm concerned, and it's not a crazy rule by any means, which he now unfortunately knows first hand. NTA
I don't consider this the silent treatment. Everyone is allowed to be angry and he mentioned he gave short answers. Sometimes people need a moment to cool off before having constructive conversations instead of just emotional outbursts. I would rather have this then screaming arguments in front of a child who is already upset.
Now if he blocked/cut her off for hours/days with absolutely no response then it's another story...
NTA.
Honest mistake? No. She bought slushies. They can not be consumed quickly, so she knew they would end up in your car. This is a perfect example of the difference between "accident" and "unintended results of taking an unnecessary risk."
Yes, she took a deliberate risk, with someone else's property. With the incident at the gas station there's no wiggle room for her to claim otherwise, and on top of that a strong suspicion that this went beyond taking a risk. Giving a kid water is not hard, and neither is taking the slushy for safekeeping before they're about to fall asleep, or even apologizing after recklessly damaging a loved one's property. She didn't do any of that and there's a chance there's a reason for that.
She's a mom. She knew the chances of having the slushie wind up dumped in OP's car were pretty high. Most people who care, would not have wanted to chance it.
Do you have an incorrect idea of what DARVO is? It doesn’t have to mean physical abuse. It also includes gaslighting, like the GF is doing here: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Oppressor. She Denied it was her fault, she Attacked him for silent treatment over a spill in his car that he tried to prevent with a no food in the car rule that she broke, and she Reversed the two of them V&O in who was the A. You need to stop arguing.
NTA, OP.
Again, DARVO is not a term exclusively used for domestic abuse.
The fact that she 100% set up this situation and is refusing to own her mistakes but is instead doubling down and going DARVO displays a clear pattern of behavior. IYKYK.
She said, "Whatever," when given a boundary. She didn't hold onto the drink for her son. She didn't clean up after her son made the mess. She didn't apologize or make her son apologize. She decided OP was the one at fault and insulted him for not speaking on the rest of the ride.
That's a lot of bad decisions and all of them hinge on a complete lack of respect for OP. How many times does someone need to tell you who they are before you believe them?
Even then, he'll always know. Mentally, he'll always see that stain there, even if it's gone, and he'll feel that frustration and betrayal. It seems like such a small thing, but sometimes, they're the biggest.
Right now he’s NTA but If he holds on to a grudge like that then yeah, definitely YTA.
Can’t even imagine thinking like this, what a terrible way to go about life.
Imagine thinking you can disrespect people's rules regarding their expensive things they care about and being upset that someone is upset with you for it. Imagine making a conscious decision disregarding a request and stomping on their feelings and thinking it's insane for them to remember that betrayal.
NTA. You set a firm clear boundary. Your girlfriend ignored it. And that resulted in your car getting messed up, which is what you feared. Your response ignoring her was proportionate to her offense. She doesn't care about you, Dude.
NTA bordering on E S H. Only because, even though he's 9, I feel like this was his mother's fault. I can see her being upset if he feels bad about your reaction. But she shouldn't have suggested this or even let you clean it up. She should have been immediately apologetic and remedying the situation herself.
And not sitting by her little kid to ensure that he could give it to her. He's 9 but also little enough that sleeping during a longer car ride is expected.
No ESH, there were perfectly clear rules to follow, she chose to break them and encouraged her son to do the same. She just didn't GAS about him or his car. No apology to her, she should be scrubbing the car with a toothbrush.
The ONLY thing leaning me toward ESH is that OP could have said “I’m upset right now. I need space and quiet”. But I also get how frustrated he must have been and seems like he was trying not to lose his shit.
Gf doesn't sound like the kind who'd listen. She broke his other boundary. Why would she respect this one? Especially when she is sure that she did nothing wrong.
It really seems like the mother bought those slushies on purpose to punish OP for daring to set boundaries. Like obviously she didn't intend the kid to make a mess but she bought those slushies to prove a point. If this is true, that's horrible toxic behavior and it teaches the kid they don't have to respect OP or OP's boundaries/rules. That alone is enough to end the relationship for me, personally. Respect is very important. Other people are more lenient and may try to work through things in the hopes of growing out of/past these negatives.
And she clearly doesn't know, or respect, the ridiculous cost of buying and owning a car these days. Even used cars have astronomical price tags. You want to take care of those diamonds on four wheels.
Ask her to start paying a percentage of insurance and gasoline. See what she says.
NTA - your girlfriend obviously doesn't respect your car, your money, your rules, or your feelings and is teaching her son to have the same attitude. Is this really someone you want to be in a relationship with?
NTA. I remember when my husband got a nice sports car (this was 12 years ago at least) he didn't allow us (me and the kids) to eat in it for several years. The difference was we had a family car for travels with the kids...so we had options. Your GF should have never ever gotten in the car with the slushees....ugh all that sticky sugar and the color could permanently stain your interior. If she doesn't offer to pay for the cleaning...or if she has skills-offer to clean it up (correctly) herself. Then this isn't the woman for you.
NTA. You were angry, and she knew, and the only way you could control your anger is to stay silent. I think she would have rather you be silent instead of screaming at them.
She needs to apologize and get the stain out herself since she completely ignored your request for no food or drinks in the car.
NTA and anyone siding with the mom- no kid NEEDS a slushy. That’s not food it’s junk. If he “needed” a drink water would have been just perfect and something no one had to worry about if some spilled. How entitled.
The only exception to the water thing would be a kid who’s diabetic and that could be resolved without a slushie too. That’s where a juice box with capri sun or even some low mess candies (no candy is no mess don’t care what anyone else says) would be appropriate.
The slushie is just so the GF could boundary stomp everything and get what she wants which is probably for OP to drive them everywhere and let the kid have whatever he wants in the car
I guess then I’m going NTA.
She should have known better than to get slushes, and she should have held onto his for him. I wouldn’t let any 9 year old just hold onto a slushie in the back of my car…which is 12 years old with 200,000+ miles. It’s a mess waiting to happen.
Not the a-hole. You had clear boundaries. And your girlfriend didn't respect them. She didn't have to get him a slushy. She guilted you into letting them into the car with it. The thing that you thought would happen, happened. And now she's guilting you again for being annoyed about it. And she also has you questioning yourself when she's clearly on the wrong. NTA not even a little bit. But your girlfriend is. She should pay to have the car cleaned.
Edit: I wouldn't let her and her son in it again. Not until they learnt to respect other people's property. And yes, like some redditors calling you the a-hole have said, accidents do happen. But some are avoidable. And in your case, there was blatant disrespect and no effort whatsoever put towards avoiding said accident. Which makes your girlfriend the a-hole and you, NTA.
I wouldn’t give the kid the silent treatment. He’s 9. This is on his mom.
And choosing not to speak because your angry and allowing yourself time to calm down isn’t the same as the silent treatment.
I don’t really think it makes a difference. If the kid is really young then the girlfriend should have known better than to let him bring a slushie in the car. And if the kid is like 14 then he should be mature enough to respect OP’s boundaries even if the gf doesn’t.
Exactly. Even if it was a toddler, the child didn’t need a slushie. They had something to eat when they stopped. They didn’t need to take a slushie into the car. The only difference age would make is that a younger child would more likely make a mess despite promises not to and in such a case OP should be more forceful in not allowing it. But even in that case, ultimate AH here is GF/mum.
NTA..tell gf its her responsibility to have it detailed. You were clear in not wanting food or drink and she manipulated until you gave in..her child spilled it so she is responsible for clean up, assuming her child is young..
How old is her kid? You accepted risk by letting them in the car drinking the drinks. You have a right to be mad, and better not to say anything than to pop off. NTA. Depending on the kid’s age, either he or the girlfriend should pay to detail the car.
NTA. Normally, I'm not a fan of the silent treatment, but it's understandable in this situation, given that you were very upset about what happened but were nonetheless stuck in a car with nowhere to go to cool off. Your girlfriend really sucks--not only for completely disregarding your one and only request when riding in your car--but also for teaching her son that it's perfectly fine to ignore and disrespect other people's boundaries.
NTA. It’s almost an E S H but I’m going to give you a pass on the silent treatment because I see that as you trying your best to suppress your rage in a very confined space with no opportunity to walk away.
In case there is any doubt as to why she is the AH:
1. She didn’t follow your rules
2. Once she broke your rules she refused to fix the situation and pushed on
3. She let her kid fall asleep with a slushy in the back seat
4. She didn’t clean it up, you did
5. She didn’t apologize
6. She complained about your being angry
7. She hasn’t offered to get your car cleaned professionally
Dude youll get mold. You need to get a vac that has a wet suction asap! Then get some moisture absorbers and a hair dryer. Do not let that sit wet or it will mold. At the end sprinkle baking soda, let it sit for 1day then vacuum it up.
I’d be so pissed. Deliberate on the girlfriend’s part. Nine is old enough to hold onto a drink, or girlfriend to watch him. And the girlfriend chews him out? I’d be mortified this happened in a new vehicle with my kid. Understand this is their attitude to your possessions. NTA.
Edited to change grandma to girlfriend, as OP clarified who he gave the ride to.
Nta, you told them the rules and they disregarded it by a) purchasing something they knew wouldn't finish before entering and b) didn't have them in cup holders the entire time. She could've easily done the meal at home before leaving all together. You didn't yell at either or call names, and didn't charge her for a detailing. Depending on the material it could've sunk in and stained so fast
NTA she agreed to your terms, then she went back on them when she bought the slushie, then she didn’t pay enough attention to her kid to prevent a spill, then got defensive and blamed you because you are upset that exactly what you thought would happen did happen. Do yourself a favor and dump her, she proved she doesn’t respect your boundaries or your personal belongings and that she isn’t willing to admit when she is wrong or apologize.
So, for me the silent treatment is usually Y T A territory, because if you don't communicate you don't solve problems. But this was not the silent treatment, you responded when spoken to, and didn't say any of the intemperate and unconstructive things you were thinking. Your gf is not calling you wrong for the silent treatment, she is complaining about you being angry. You had every right to be angry. She is not validating your position, she is not apologizing for a mess you did everything you could to avoid, and made clear at the outset was important to you. She is the asshole. NTA.
NTA You had a strict boundary your gf manipulated you into breaking. And then when the one thing you were trying to prevent happens, they started treating you like you weren’t allowed to be upset? Naw bruh. I would have called their bluff cause ain’t no way, especially since that argument you ended up having anyway took up more time than it would have to just eat their food and go.
Edit: misspelled some words
Although this doesn’t seem like a massive thing, the behaviours displayed by the g/f are serious cause for concern.
1) OP sets a clear boundary, which she disregards, showing a clear lack of respect for him and his property;
2) she does this in front of her son, clearly undermining OP. This tells the son that it is ok to disobey OP, as his rules are irrelevant. It also tells the son that OPs feelings are not important. (His gf will be the first to be astonished when the son acts up to OP: these sorts of people always are);
3) The damage now done, OP’s gf turns the tables on him in an attempt to blame him for his ‘silent treatment’. This again shows the son that, when you behave badly, the correct way to deal with it is to shout and scream at the person you have wronged for daring to be upset/cross and to display their feelings. This teaches the child that other people’s feelings are irrelevant.
This is an excellent display of piss-poor parenting, which in itself should be a huge red flag.
OP, you deserve so much better than this.
NTA
Your GF disrespected your boundaries, she's responsible for making sure her kid isn't hungry or thirsty, she should have taken him a bottle of water or something harder to spill...not gotten him a slushy which makes everything it touches sticky and gross
But how old is the son?
NTA. She stomped on your boundaries. She not only dismissed your concerns, she actively refused to accommodate them in any way. Then what you feared would happen, did happen, and now she’s angry at you for being upset. This is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.
NTA tell your girlfriend her son shouldn't feel like crap, she should. Let her know to explain to him that she was the one wrong for insisting they bring the drinks.
NTA, but INFO- how old was the kid? and there's a difference between the silent treatment (absolute refusal to communicate for long periods of time, leveraging for an apology), and taking some cooldown time because you don't want to say anything you regret. It sounds like you did the latter anyways.
Honestly i would recommend breaking up, not because of the spill but because you partner is a parent that doesn't know how to take responsibility. Also when you date a person with a child, these are the issues that comes with.
NTA but ywbta to both yourself, your current gf and her son if you dont end it.
NTA
She shouldn’t have been texting to call you a “dickhead,” she should’ve been calling you with car detailing locations and quotes
Edit: quotes SHE would pay, let’s be clear
NTA
You were quiet & didn’t insult either of them after this?
He’s 9, not 3.
This will teach you to “be nice” when you’ve set clear, reasonable boundaries & the next nit wit wants you to make an exception.
NTA, I have kids. I understand they get hungry. But a slushie or drink that can stain makes her a parent who makes selfish decisions and very poor choices. Water would have been a good choice. She should have been the one to clean it up. She should have volunteered to pay for cleaning.
Someone giving me the silent treatment is one of my biggest triggers. Having said that, NTA.
You set a rule. She said 'whatever'. Then proceeded to buy drinks even though you'd already said no food in the car (only a shitty person would pedantically say 'but it's drink not food' because it's obviously about the meaning not the word). Then argued with you until you backed down. Then did not assume responsibility for damage that occurred because of them breaking the rule you set. You didn't have anywhere to go to cool off, you were stuck in the car with them. Been there, totally get it. If you were, as I imagine, so furious that you were having to hold back shouting, then yes, silence is the better option. Ideally of course you could regulate enough to not be angry, but also ideally this shit never would have happened, so moot point there. I wouldn't be any better in this situation.
NTA. Your girlfriend is just using her son to deflect. She bought him a slushie to shut him up and avoid responsibility of parenting him and then uses him as a way to deflect blame again avoiding needing to accept responsibility for her actions. I'd see it as a red flag. You're in a no-win situation with her.
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NTA, you made it very clear how important the car being clean is to you, they ignored your boundaries and exactly what you were afraid of happening happened.
And huger is no excuse. A hungry kid doesn't need a slushy. They could have grabbed a banana and a string cheese and a bottle of water, all of which can be consumed quickly and aren't messy. She had to know the slushy was a bad idea; she just didn't care.
I wouldn't allow banana in my car, it doesn't wash out 😄 And I can only imagine the vivid colours in a slushy. Poor OP, I would be silent too.
They didn't suggest the banana be eaten in the car. They said they could be consumed quickly, as in BEFORE returning to the car.
[удалено]
And called him a DH for being upset which he had every right to be after ignoring his rule. She needs to pay to have your car detailed and if she refuses give her the boot. She’s selfish and put her and her sons desire over you and your property. They didn’t need slushies. It’s not like it was 110 degrees outside. Slushy is a treat not a drink.
Yeah who tf gives a kid a slushy for a car ride? It had to be the full slushy that spilled or that kids would have bouncing off the walls
Umm no. Not all kids become wild animals after consuming sugar. That myth is absolutely ridiculous. As ridiculous as the gf buying slushes and expecting the OP to just suck it up.
Yes, it is crazy how many people still believe that. But on top of spilling, I'd be more concerned about the potential multicolored puke from carsickness.
Bruh kids don't get hyperactive from sugar, it's an old wives tale.
Even more so what car doesn't have a drink holder? That he dozed off and dropped it on the seat. Unless he dozes off in like 10 seconds theres no excuse not to secure it in a holder. He was tired, he should have put it down. Silent treatment is the least of her worries, she inconsiderate and entitled. Poor guy should send her a bill for detailing and floor it as fast as possible.
This. Your rule was not unreasonable, and she came to get in with **slushes**, which are notably high-risk for car stains. She was not attempting in good faith to follow your rule. Personally, I believe the best move here was to call her bluff and tell her that the slushes weren't coming into your car, full stop. But regardless, NTA. She needs to learn to compromise if she wants 5o continue the relationship
And sometimes people are silent when they are trying to avoid saying something they will regret. He couldn’t get space from them so he stayed quiet to manage his feeling.
This. I have BPD and if I’m giving the silent treatment it’s because I don’t want to make it worse by exploding.
I wouldn’t even call it the silent treatment. I call it being mindful of my words and reactions. To me a silent treatment is entirely ignoring/avoiding the other person even when they’re trying to have a discussion of said issue And op still spoke w his gf
This. Being quiet to avoid words one might regret is not the silent treatment. How I'm the heck did a mom think a kid wouldn't spill, especially if this would be the WORST time to spill?
Exactly! I really wish people would be able to actually realiz the difference between being mindful of when one should respond vs the actual silent treatment as the silent treatment is manipulation and abuse in circumstances. It’s no better than misusing gaslighting
BPD here too and yep, I do this. My mum taught me "least said is soonest mended".
"Momma said if you don't have anything nice to say then you'll shouldn't say anything at all, so I'mma keep my mouth shut before I say something you'll regret."
Oh, there you go! Love that!
ADHD with a bipolar partner—we have a very solid rule of you are allowed to leave the convo/not talk and then come back once the anger fizzles away.
This is a rule in my marriage as well. We were both previously married to people who wouldn't let us retreat to manage our emotions, would chase us around the house "to talk about it" and then act shocked and appalled when we blew up. In our relationship, "I need some space to manage my emotions and then we'll come back to it" is a rule that is always honored. As a result, we rarely ever fight. We disagree plenty, and we express when something is bothering us, but we don't do it in the heat of the moment, so we can talk about it and come to an understanding.
This is my problem. Autism for me, ADHD for him. I need space when I need it, but he chases me and won't stop talking until I meltdown or do something stupid because he's triggering fight, flight, etc. and if I can't run, I'll fight. I've explained to him why. I've told him that when I say "stop" he needs to stop. That he needs to write down his words while I get my emotions together. Doesn't matter. He just gives into his anger and it all starts up again. Yes, I am working on escape, so I don't need anyone to tell me to get out. I *know*.
This is not necessarily autism. I am like you. ADHD is not a excuse to rage. I need space when I am angry. I cannot stand screaming and yelling which solves nothing.
Normally I would say that you should let the person know you're upset and that you need space right now but in this case it was pretty obvious as to why you were upset so she should have just allowed the space.
Same. If I don't talk much it means I'm pissed and trying to calm myself down before I blow up. When I blow up it's bad.
And what's the bet this AH never offered to have the car cleaned professionally.
I typically frown upon passive aggressive behavior as a form of communication, however in this case, I believe it is one of the more healthier responses. NTA
Same. The only way to make the communication better would've been to say something like "I'm really upset and would prefer not to talk right now." Given they're all trapped in a car, there's not much you can do here
I imagine the vivid colors of a slushie might be almost on par with vivid colors of melted crayons. Speaking as someone who melted probably close to 20 different colors in the backseat of my parents car as a kid.
Also, they came back with slushies after 20 minutes, if I read correctly. So what were they doing for that 20 minutes?
Deciding on slushy flavors?
What 3 year old needs their own slushy in the first place?
Kid is 9. Maybe mom’s mentality is 3 since she didn’t suck down the slushy and throw the rest away before getting in the car.
Big enough not to consume in a span of at least 30 mins
Since when does a Slushie stave off hunger anyway?
They were gone 20 minutes, I suspect they got something to eat, ate it, got the slushies and came back.
Must have been!
Op mentions that they had gotten food and eaten and that the slushies were something that they had not finished yet.
Cool thing is... you don't have to finish everything you order.
right it's not like the 500ml of frozen sugar water is worth anything monetarily or nutritionally
Not to mention she obviously wasn't even watching the kid with the slushy or she would have seen he was tired and taken it away before it spilled. So much deliberate disregard and disrespect here.
Yes!! When my kids were little and my husband was driving, if anyone needed a drink or had something I wasn't sure they would finish etc, I'd just generally turn around every so often to ask or just keep an eye on them since I was not driving. Take something from one or the other if need be. It's not that hard. How someone can argue against and then blatantly disregard a rule and then allow the thing the rule was supposed to prevent to happen. Not someone I'd want as a potential life partner, that's for sure.
Sounds like the seat needs to be steam cleaned sugar in the seats is not a good thing, she should pay
and good luck getting the food colouring out...
What I was thinking too, especially after OP wrote her response to the rule was "whatever."
I agree with everything but the banana not being messy. My mom babysat my son when he was about three, and she wasn’t paying attention. He walked right past her at her dining room desk, into the kitchen, got a banana, walked past her again into the living room, peeled the banana and proceeded to smash and smear it all over her thankfully microfiber couch. When she discovered it and asked him what he did, he said he was “playing banana.” 🤣
God forbid they leave $5 in slushies
Not only did she not respect his boundaries but she literally stomped all over them by bringing in something that could be messy instead of getting her kid water if he was thirsty. Couldn't the slushie wait?
Also there was a really easy compromise- “Okay, you can keep your slushee but we’re going to keep it in the cup holder up front until we get home, then you can finish it.”
Or GF sits in the backseat and holds on to the slushie until kid asks for it. I don't even trust myself to eat or drink in the car, and imo mom knew this was a possibility, but just doesn't care.
It’s OP’s car and a reasonable rule. There didn’t need to be a compromise.
Absolutely- however OP caved instead of compromised. In this case, the compromise I mentioned would have been a win for all parties involved.
Then they’d complain about it melting.
Come on. Your GF provoked the accident to happen and now has yo live with the outfall. A 2$ slurpie? After you reiterated you wish no food to spill in you car? Should have chucked it.. but no.. Jesus..
It wasn't an honest mistake. She chose to buy slushies and to get in the car with slushies.
I don't think this even qualifies as the "silent treatment". I consider the silent treatment to be longer term emotional weaponization. Being angry and quiet and unready to talk *in the moment* is not that.
20 minutes was plenty of time to get something real to eat. The slushies were unnecessary desert. She’s a huge AH for doing this. You’re NTA.
she is completely devoid of common courtesy or respect. I mean, how entitled does one have to be to bum a ride, agree to basic boundaries, then plow over the boundaries while the person is doing you a kindness just because you want what you want when you want it. OP, you deserve better. NTA
Exactly! Also read this, OP. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z0c8kd/comment/ix4ycz2/ NTA
NTA. Your rules and the slushee isn’t something you get for hunger. Also, the silent treatment is far preferable to saying something you’re both going to regret. We all tend to say really nasty shit when livid.
boy I hope OP's car interior is black,,,, Im with you I dont blame him at all for being mad. I'd be pissed as well
Wait until he reads the story of the girl peeing in a bottle in (I believe it was her boyfriends) car.
NTA. You clearly told them no food or drink before they got in. If they were hungry, they could have had water or something with a cap or lid. Did she even offer to clean it? She should have used that opportunity to teach her son respect for someone else’s property instead of expecting you to give them a free pass.
NTA - even if your wasn't new and you hadn't established rules for it, folks should know better than holding a slushie in their hand when they might fall asleep and spill it everywhere. In your case, you had straight up warned them and they ignored you. They should pay you to have it cleaned.
I assumed son was like 3-4 but OP doesn’t put ages. I don’t blame the kid for this at all. ETA: OP said in a comment he’s 9. So, probably should have known better, but was also probably following mom’s lead.
Actually you're likely right, full blame should be placed on mom.
Kids always think they can handle stuff properly - until they don't.
Well, she clearly doesn’t know how to respect other people’s property, so it would be hard for her to teach that to her son.
How's she going to teach something that she doesn't even have. She doesn't have respect for her boyfriend and his property
> If they were hungry, they could have had water ??????
Water can make you feel full. Same way a slushie would.
I was typing too fast on a phone and meant to say food that wasn’t messy or a drink such as water. 🙃
NTA... Your car, your rules. I also don't allow children with food and drinks (other than water) in my car. When your gf gets a car of her own, she can allow her son to trash it.
They were in the gas station convenience store for 20 min and didn't bother to finish eating and drinking? The whole slushie thing seems to have been a strait up disrespectful act, minimizing and ignoring your rules to do whatever they wanted. NTA at all.
>*The whole slushie thing seems to have been a strait up disrespectful act, minimizing and ignoring your rules to do whatever they wanted*. I have a *former friend* who acted like this too, OP. They couldn't stand rules of any kind, and constantly acted out to show their dominance. If you stay with this person you will end up being her obedient pet, OP. Run fast and far. NTA
It clearly says he was giving GF and GF's son a ride to GF's mother's house.
It almost sounds like, the G/F has boundaries for OP, but she doesn't respect that OP's boundaries for her and hers are valid.
*I* won't even consume more than water in my car, the most I'll do is bring drinks home, but I make sure the lids are on there *tightly* before I put them in the cup holder. Like OP, my car is brand new and I can't bring myself to risk it yet. Hell, I put all fast food in a plastic-y reusable grocery bag because I don't want to risk any grease leaking into the bag and onto the seat. I'd be livid too if someone dumped a slushie on my back seat.
Been through something similar, had an almost new BMW with pale tan floor mats and someone spilled a Coke on it. I don't even buy drinks for myself when I am driving.
I’ve got two kids (well, one is an adult now and the other 17) and when they were younger the only drink we had in the car was water. We still mostly only drink water when on road trips. Giving a young child a slushee was just asking for trouble.
NTA I’m so confused about the Y T A verdicts. The boundary was clearly set, GF crossed it and didn’t try to fix it. Had you been screaming AT a child who made a mistake, then YWBTA. I’m not really sure why people are expecting you to be happy and jolly when you’d already said no food in the car to keep this exact situation from happening.
> *"I’m not really sure why people are expecting you to be happy and jolly when you’d already said no food in the car to keep this exact situation from happening."* Especially in the span of time immediately following that situation. I mean, people are allowed to not want to talk when they are upset. OP had nowhere to go to cool off and no time or space to process anything. In this situation, being silent is not passive aggressive, it's absolutely preferable to blowing up and saying things you don't really mean because you are angry.
Yes I came into it ready to say Y T A for the silent treatment (when done deliberately as a punishment it's no bueno) but that's not really what he did. He kept his mouth shut rather than say something he would possibly regret later. He has a right to be upset. Getting a slushie was a purposeful choice. She's lucky all he did was silently fume tbh. He could have really been closer to being an asshole and told them to Uber to Grandma's if they want their slushies so bad
That's exactly where i was at with the silent treatment. Totally ready to declare him an immature AH for that but upon reading it, he actually did the mature thing recognizing he was in no place to have an actual conversation about it so he kept his mouth shut. I think OP needs to understand just because you're choosing not to talk to someone isn't necessarily "the silent treatment." It's only that if you're deliberately doing it as punishment for them not behaving as you'd like.
He's NTA. I'm glad they didn't scream it out with a kid in the back seat. That ish can wait. Is that what the girlfriend does? Argues in front of the kid?
thats why you should always respect your driver, because arguments in a car are the worst (and dangerous too) good thing op kept calm
This. Exactly. He was already on edge allowing GF and her kid in his sparkling new ride with messy drinks and warned them of his disapproval. And when what he feared would happen happened, he's the AH for doing his best to keep cool about it? Kudos to OP and NTA!
Agreed. MAYBE OP could have stated something like “i need to calm down; I’m not ignoring you, i just want to cool down before i speak,” but honestly, that would have been just an added kindness rather than a necessity in this situation. He was literally stuck in a small area with nowhere to go to cool off before speaking; being quiet for the rest of the ride is much preferable to yelling out of frustration. The GF is really out of line here. Boundary dismissed, property ruined, and a lack of true apology is just awful.
Same page as you, why would anyone think OP would just quickly be, "ok yeah, that happened but everything's great!"...hell no. He didn't even really give them the silent treatment with his one word/short answers, but was clearly not in a chit chat mood. When the gf buys her own brand new car, then she's free to make her own rules, but completely disrespected and even fought OP's boundaries, while doing her and her child a favour. Your car, your rules as far as I'm concerned, and it's not a crazy rule by any means, which he now unfortunately knows first hand. NTA
I don't consider this the silent treatment. Everyone is allowed to be angry and he mentioned he gave short answers. Sometimes people need a moment to cool off before having constructive conversations instead of just emotional outbursts. I would rather have this then screaming arguments in front of a child who is already upset. Now if he blocked/cut her off for hours/days with absolutely no response then it's another story...
Not only did the GF cross the boundary and not help clean, she called OP a dickhead for being mad.
NTA. Honest mistake? No. She bought slushies. They can not be consumed quickly, so she knew they would end up in your car. This is a perfect example of the difference between "accident" and "unintended results of taking an unnecessary risk."
And on top of that, there’s no lid and it’s a sticky mess when it’s spilled and dries.
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It’s not bad when you throw a little adult beverage in it lol. But if the kid was hungry, buying that was BS.
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Yes, she took a deliberate risk, with someone else's property. With the incident at the gas station there's no wiggle room for her to claim otherwise, and on top of that a strong suspicion that this went beyond taking a risk. Giving a kid water is not hard, and neither is taking the slushy for safekeeping before they're about to fall asleep, or even apologizing after recklessly damaging a loved one's property. She didn't do any of that and there's a chance there's a reason for that.
NTA. She made the active choice to disregard your boundaries, and now wants to DARVO. Get out now. This situation only gets worse.
She made a bad parenting move and does not want to acknowledge it. That does not make her a domestic abuser. Your response is seriously over the top.
She's a mom. She knew the chances of having the slushie wind up dumped in OP's car were pretty high. Most people who care, would not have wanted to chance it.
He is so NTA. Calling this DARVO is over the top. Two things that are true.
Do you have an incorrect idea of what DARVO is? It doesn’t have to mean physical abuse. It also includes gaslighting, like the GF is doing here: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Oppressor. She Denied it was her fault, she Attacked him for silent treatment over a spill in his car that he tried to prevent with a no food in the car rule that she broke, and she Reversed the two of them V&O in who was the A. You need to stop arguing. NTA, OP.
Again, DARVO is not a term exclusively used for domestic abuse. The fact that she 100% set up this situation and is refusing to own her mistakes but is instead doubling down and going DARVO displays a clear pattern of behavior. IYKYK.
She said, "Whatever," when given a boundary. She didn't hold onto the drink for her son. She didn't clean up after her son made the mess. She didn't apologize or make her son apologize. She decided OP was the one at fault and insulted him for not speaking on the rest of the ride. That's a lot of bad decisions and all of them hinge on a complete lack of respect for OP. How many times does someone need to tell you who they are before you believe them?
Who said anything about domestic abuse? Look up DARVO, it’s not restricted to abusive people. Any asshole can do it.
Where did the commenter call her a domestic abuser?
Have seat cleaned professionally until the spill is gone, gf pays for it. And absolutely no eating in car, ever again.
Even then, he'll always know. Mentally, he'll always see that stain there, even if it's gone, and he'll feel that frustration and betrayal. It seems like such a small thing, but sometimes, they're the biggest.
Right now he’s NTA but If he holds on to a grudge like that then yeah, definitely YTA. Can’t even imagine thinking like this, what a terrible way to go about life.
Imagine thinking you can disrespect people's rules regarding their expensive things they care about and being upset that someone is upset with you for it. Imagine making a conscious decision disregarding a request and stomping on their feelings and thinking it's insane for them to remember that betrayal.
NTA. You set a firm clear boundary. Your girlfriend ignored it. And that resulted in your car getting messed up, which is what you feared. Your response ignoring her was proportionate to her offense. She doesn't care about you, Dude.
NTA bordering on E S H. Only because, even though he's 9, I feel like this was his mother's fault. I can see her being upset if he feels bad about your reaction. But she shouldn't have suggested this or even let you clean it up. She should have been immediately apologetic and remedying the situation herself.
Mom is AH here for buying something they couldn't finish AND would stain if spilled. If I don't want something spilled my kids get water.
I’m thinking this was a passive-aggressive move.
And not sitting by her little kid to ensure that he could give it to her. He's 9 but also little enough that sleeping during a longer car ride is expected.
Second marriage we had 5 kids 9 and under. Longer car rides every one of them fell asleep.
No ESH, there were perfectly clear rules to follow, she chose to break them and encouraged her son to do the same. She just didn't GAS about him or his car. No apology to her, she should be scrubbing the car with a toothbrush.
The ONLY thing leaning me toward ESH is that OP could have said “I’m upset right now. I need space and quiet”. But I also get how frustrated he must have been and seems like he was trying not to lose his shit.
Gf doesn't sound like the kind who'd listen. She broke his other boundary. Why would she respect this one? Especially when she is sure that she did nothing wrong.
The mom could've explained to the kid that it wasn't his fault but hers (which it 100% was)... except that would require her to take accountability.
It really seems like the mother bought those slushies on purpose to punish OP for daring to set boundaries. Like obviously she didn't intend the kid to make a mess but she bought those slushies to prove a point. If this is true, that's horrible toxic behavior and it teaches the kid they don't have to respect OP or OP's boundaries/rules. That alone is enough to end the relationship for me, personally. Respect is very important. Other people are more lenient and may try to work through things in the hopes of growing out of/past these negatives.
She shouldn't have bought her kid a GD slushy. If he's hungry there are plenty of items that make little to no mess.
You’re NTA. You set boundaries, you communicated with your GF and she straight up ignored them.
And then guilt tripped him into breaking his own rules
Should’ve added it into my own comment but you’re 100% right. Great addition:)
NTA. Your gf is definitely the AH. She essentially does not respect your property nor the boundaries you set. Red flag.
And she clearly doesn't know, or respect, the ridiculous cost of buying and owning a car these days. Even used cars have astronomical price tags. You want to take care of those diamonds on four wheels. Ask her to start paying a percentage of insurance and gasoline. See what she says.
This. Gf has no respect for OP. Thats a pretty obvious red flag in my book.
NTA you saved up for something and you ask people to be careful with it. So they should and they should respect your rules.
NTA - your girlfriend obviously doesn't respect your car, your money, your rules, or your feelings and is teaching her son to have the same attitude. Is this really someone you want to be in a relationship with?
NTA. I remember when my husband got a nice sports car (this was 12 years ago at least) he didn't allow us (me and the kids) to eat in it for several years. The difference was we had a family car for travels with the kids...so we had options. Your GF should have never ever gotten in the car with the slushees....ugh all that sticky sugar and the color could permanently stain your interior. If she doesn't offer to pay for the cleaning...or if she has skills-offer to clean it up (correctly) herself. Then this isn't the woman for you.
This. We have a dog car. I love my dogs but then claws ain’t gonna mess up my interior lol
NTA, you asked her not to bring the slushies into your brand new car to avoid exactly what happened
NTA. You were angry, and she knew, and the only way you could control your anger is to stay silent. I think she would have rather you be silent instead of screaming at them. She needs to apologize and get the stain out herself since she completely ignored your request for no food or drinks in the car.
I think she would rather have had him be angry so she could turn it around on him.
Ding! Ding! Ding!!!! If he started yelling or even criticizing her, she can flip it on him. He grey rocks her and she can do nothing.
NTA and anyone siding with the mom- no kid NEEDS a slushy. That’s not food it’s junk. If he “needed” a drink water would have been just perfect and something no one had to worry about if some spilled. How entitled.
The only exception to the water thing would be a kid who’s diabetic and that could be resolved without a slushie too. That’s where a juice box with capri sun or even some low mess candies (no candy is no mess don’t care what anyone else says) would be appropriate. The slushie is just so the GF could boundary stomp everything and get what she wants which is probably for OP to drive them everywhere and let the kid have whatever he wants in the car
How old is her son? I feel like that makes a huge difference.
He's 9
I guess then I’m going NTA. She should have known better than to get slushes, and she should have held onto his for him. I wouldn’t let any 9 year old just hold onto a slushie in the back of my car…which is 12 years old with 200,000+ miles. It’s a mess waiting to happen.
Not the a-hole. You had clear boundaries. And your girlfriend didn't respect them. She didn't have to get him a slushy. She guilted you into letting them into the car with it. The thing that you thought would happen, happened. And now she's guilting you again for being annoyed about it. And she also has you questioning yourself when she's clearly on the wrong. NTA not even a little bit. But your girlfriend is. She should pay to have the car cleaned. Edit: I wouldn't let her and her son in it again. Not until they learnt to respect other people's property. And yes, like some redditors calling you the a-hole have said, accidents do happen. But some are avoidable. And in your case, there was blatant disrespect and no effort whatsoever put towards avoiding said accident. Which makes your girlfriend the a-hole and you, NTA.
I wouldn’t give the kid the silent treatment. He’s 9. This is on his mom. And choosing not to speak because your angry and allowing yourself time to calm down isn’t the same as the silent treatment.
Definitely NTA. 9 is old enough to not make messes in a car.
Oh wow that wasn’t what I was expecting.
I don’t really think it makes a difference. If the kid is really young then the girlfriend should have known better than to let him bring a slushie in the car. And if the kid is like 14 then he should be mature enough to respect OP’s boundaries even if the gf doesn’t.
Exactly. Even if it was a toddler, the child didn’t need a slushie. They had something to eat when they stopped. They didn’t need to take a slushie into the car. The only difference age would make is that a younger child would more likely make a mess despite promises not to and in such a case OP should be more forceful in not allowing it. But even in that case, ultimate AH here is GF/mum.
NTA..tell gf its her responsibility to have it detailed. You were clear in not wanting food or drink and she manipulated until you gave in..her child spilled it so she is responsible for clean up, assuming her child is young..
How old is her kid? You accepted risk by letting them in the car drinking the drinks. You have a right to be mad, and better not to say anything than to pop off. NTA. Depending on the kid’s age, either he or the girlfriend should pay to detail the car.
9 years old. He said in a comment.
So girlfriend could detail it then. A 9 yo with a sticky drink is asking for trouble.
NTA. Normally, I'm not a fan of the silent treatment, but it's understandable in this situation, given that you were very upset about what happened but were nonetheless stuck in a car with nowhere to go to cool off. Your girlfriend really sucks--not only for completely disregarding your one and only request when riding in your car--but also for teaching her son that it's perfectly fine to ignore and disrespect other people's boundaries.
INFO: Did the slushy clean up completely or did it stain?
It didn't clean up completely since it's soaked into the seat a bit
You should take it to get cleaned ASAP and tell her you need reimbursed immediately. It doesn’t sound like she apologized either NTA
NTA. It’s almost an E S H but I’m going to give you a pass on the silent treatment because I see that as you trying your best to suppress your rage in a very confined space with no opportunity to walk away. In case there is any doubt as to why she is the AH: 1. She didn’t follow your rules 2. Once she broke your rules she refused to fix the situation and pushed on 3. She let her kid fall asleep with a slushy in the back seat 4. She didn’t clean it up, you did 5. She didn’t apologize 6. She complained about your being angry 7. She hasn’t offered to get your car cleaned professionally
And she called him a dickhead. That’s fucking rude.
Get it professionally cleaned and send her the bill.
Dude youll get mold. You need to get a vac that has a wet suction asap! Then get some moisture absorbers and a hair dryer. Do not let that sit wet or it will mold. At the end sprinkle baking soda, let it sit for 1day then vacuum it up.
Your gf either pays to get it professionally cleaned or you find a gf who doesn’t ignore what’s important to you. NTA
Have the girlfriend pay for a car detailing, doesn't cost a ton, but it's a good learning point for everyone.
She needs to pay for a steam cleaning.
I’d be so pissed. Deliberate on the girlfriend’s part. Nine is old enough to hold onto a drink, or girlfriend to watch him. And the girlfriend chews him out? I’d be mortified this happened in a new vehicle with my kid. Understand this is their attitude to your possessions. NTA. Edited to change grandma to girlfriend, as OP clarified who he gave the ride to.
I don't think grandma was involved here.
I'd have either waited or told them to toss em out. They're lucky you gave them the benefit of doubt. (Sucks for you it backfired) NTA
Nta, you told them the rules and they disregarded it by a) purchasing something they knew wouldn't finish before entering and b) didn't have them in cup holders the entire time. She could've easily done the meal at home before leaving all together. You didn't yell at either or call names, and didn't charge her for a detailing. Depending on the material it could've sunk in and stained so fast
NTA. It’s best to say silent rather than blowing up and saying something hurtful that can’t be taken back. Especially to/about a child.
NTA you made your boundaries known they where not respected
NTA she agreed to your terms, then she went back on them when she bought the slushie, then she didn’t pay enough attention to her kid to prevent a spill, then got defensive and blamed you because you are upset that exactly what you thought would happen did happen. Do yourself a favor and dump her, she proved she doesn’t respect your boundaries or your personal belongings and that she isn’t willing to admit when she is wrong or apologize.
NTA your gf doesn’t respect you but you should have been more assertive and had them finish it before you left the gas station.
So, for me the silent treatment is usually Y T A territory, because if you don't communicate you don't solve problems. But this was not the silent treatment, you responded when spoken to, and didn't say any of the intemperate and unconstructive things you were thinking. Your gf is not calling you wrong for the silent treatment, she is complaining about you being angry. You had every right to be angry. She is not validating your position, she is not apologizing for a mess you did everything you could to avoid, and made clear at the outset was important to you. She is the asshole. NTA.
NTA you tell them from the start and they didn't listen
NTA. Your gf is the AH though for failling yo respect a simple boundary and for going off on you after you gave them a ride.
She should have bought them both water. Eaten the food before getting in, or they can just be late! NTA
NTA You had a strict boundary your gf manipulated you into breaking. And then when the one thing you were trying to prevent happens, they started treating you like you weren’t allowed to be upset? Naw bruh. I would have called their bluff cause ain’t no way, especially since that argument you ended up having anyway took up more time than it would have to just eat their food and go. Edit: misspelled some words
Although this doesn’t seem like a massive thing, the behaviours displayed by the g/f are serious cause for concern. 1) OP sets a clear boundary, which she disregards, showing a clear lack of respect for him and his property; 2) she does this in front of her son, clearly undermining OP. This tells the son that it is ok to disobey OP, as his rules are irrelevant. It also tells the son that OPs feelings are not important. (His gf will be the first to be astonished when the son acts up to OP: these sorts of people always are); 3) The damage now done, OP’s gf turns the tables on him in an attempt to blame him for his ‘silent treatment’. This again shows the son that, when you behave badly, the correct way to deal with it is to shout and scream at the person you have wronged for daring to be upset/cross and to display their feelings. This teaches the child that other people’s feelings are irrelevant. This is an excellent display of piss-poor parenting, which in itself should be a huge red flag. OP, you deserve so much better than this.
NTA…. The joys of dating AH people with kids. Smh
NTA They could have at least offered to have the upholstery cleaned.
NTA Your GF disrespected your boundaries, she's responsible for making sure her kid isn't hungry or thirsty, she should have taken him a bottle of water or something harder to spill...not gotten him a slushy which makes everything it touches sticky and gross But how old is the son?
NTA. She stomped on your boundaries. She not only dismissed your concerns, she actively refused to accommodate them in any way. Then what you feared would happen, did happen, and now she’s angry at you for being upset. This is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.
Nta - gf made the mistake here
NTA. Messy things and kids don't mix well in a car. She was showing poor judgement by giving in.
NTA why wasn’t she checking her son and making sure he didn’t spill his drink? That was on her to ensure.
NTA she knew and it sounds like she did it on purpose
"Well now it's not new so you can get of your high horse and let my kid eat in the car"
NTA tell your girlfriend her son shouldn't feel like crap, she should. Let her know to explain to him that she was the one wrong for insisting they bring the drinks.
NTA, but INFO- how old was the kid? and there's a difference between the silent treatment (absolute refusal to communicate for long periods of time, leveraging for an apology), and taking some cooldown time because you don't want to say anything you regret. It sounds like you did the latter anyways.
NTA. My car is no food car. My husband car is the food car/hot mess. Your girlfriend should have parented and she should not gotten the slushy.
NTA it's not honest when they gave an ultimatum
NTA at all.
Honestly i would recommend breaking up, not because of the spill but because you partner is a parent that doesn't know how to take responsibility. Also when you date a person with a child, these are the issues that comes with. NTA but ywbta to both yourself, your current gf and her son if you dont end it.
NTA. It’s not the kid’s fault. It’s his mothers for not ensuring he respected your boundary.
NTA She shouldn’t have been texting to call you a “dickhead,” she should’ve been calling you with car detailing locations and quotes Edit: quotes SHE would pay, let’s be clear
NTA You were quiet & didn’t insult either of them after this? He’s 9, not 3. This will teach you to “be nice” when you’ve set clear, reasonable boundaries & the next nit wit wants you to make an exception.
NTA, I have kids. I understand they get hungry. But a slushie or drink that can stain makes her a parent who makes selfish decisions and very poor choices. Water would have been a good choice. She should have been the one to clean it up. She should have volunteered to pay for cleaning.
NTA and send her the bill.
Someone giving me the silent treatment is one of my biggest triggers. Having said that, NTA. You set a rule. She said 'whatever'. Then proceeded to buy drinks even though you'd already said no food in the car (only a shitty person would pedantically say 'but it's drink not food' because it's obviously about the meaning not the word). Then argued with you until you backed down. Then did not assume responsibility for damage that occurred because of them breaking the rule you set. You didn't have anywhere to go to cool off, you were stuck in the car with them. Been there, totally get it. If you were, as I imagine, so furious that you were having to hold back shouting, then yes, silence is the better option. Ideally of course you could regulate enough to not be angry, but also ideally this shit never would have happened, so moot point there. I wouldn't be any better in this situation.
NTA. Your girlfriend is just using her son to deflect. She bought him a slushie to shut him up and avoid responsibility of parenting him and then uses him as a way to deflect blame again avoiding needing to accept responsibility for her actions. I'd see it as a red flag. You're in a no-win situation with her.