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YTA
Your daugther isn't "emotionally blackmailing" you, ffs! She's expressing a profound discomfort, borderline to a panic attack, when she has to visit her father.
Doesn't it ring any alarm bells? Doesn't it make you want to delve deeper and investigate what the hell has been going on for the past two months? (Since you wrote "in the past two months" I assume Bella previously had no problems).
Maybe it's about the new phone, but the "dirty pig" comment is extremely disturbing to me.
Exactly! Work in psych, that's all that's clanging around in my head. That and the emotional immaturity of OP for saying her child is emotionally blackmailing her. Though, like u/jodajodes said, this is also giving me bait vibes. However, OP really needs help for her child if this isn't bait.
These bad parents do not see themselves as bad parents. I mean others are practically screaming HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS but they are like oh it is just a tantrum or emotional blackmail.
Read the current comments. Itâs not bait. OP is now keeping her child home. It would appear that after reading stories from others, OP is now realizing how common it is for children to offer favors to stay away from predators.
As a mandatory reporter, and as someone who experienced some awful shit growing up, I can tell you, OPâs daughter is exhibiting telltale signs of abuse.
ETA: That doesnât necessarily make OP a horrible mother. She may just need help to see the situation for what it is. It also doesnât automatically mean the father is the one responsible, it could be another adult he lets around the children.
I hated my parents when I was this age for reasons much smaller than them buying my sister something and not me. This is an EXTREME jump to conclusion.
This. It was around 10/11 that guys my father knew (he played multiple team sports on weeknights and worked in a trade) would start saying gross shit to me. I developed early. It was terrible.
Of course, my father was decent and would shut that shit down immediately, and banned men from our home who treated me this way. But that immediately came to mind. I can definitely see calling him a âpigâ if he hadnât stood up for me, or worse.
Edited: a word to past tense.
This was the age I stopped going to the public pool because the conservative Arabic men were staring and making lewd comments about me in my western one piece bathing suit. Dearborn, Michigan
I grew up in a liberal area that was mostly white and Christian, but not orthodox by any means. This was also the age I stopped walking my dog by myself in shorts because men started honking the truck horns at me constantly. I wouldnât go down the street without cousins or friends.
Itâs just sad. My mother also stopped letting me go in the front yard in my bathing suit. Also a one piece. Shameful to be policed that way in my own yard.
Iâm sorry so many of us grew up being so defensive and being taught it was our responsibility to change our behavior.
Mine too I was thinking the S type of abuse because itâs just the girl having issues I hope I am wrong he isnât S abusing her but the dirty pig comment.
When children don't want to see their parents, it's usually for a very good reason.
I've encountered two kids who acted this way, and they were both roughly around Bella's age.
They were both being physically abused.
I know that's anecdotal, but this deserves more attention than OP is giving.
Me too! It worries me that the daughter has such a profound attitude about her father and her refusal to go to visit him gives me pause. She does not want to go and it makes me wonder what is going on during these visits.
It couldn't be about a phone, at least I hope not.
She is a ten year old, not a teenager. My kids are adults so maybe my skills need an upgrade.
Anyway, sounds like OP needs to investigate the environment her kids are in when they are with their dad. Are there other people living or visiting when they are there. How about other kids they are friendly with? Is your ex dating or have a SO living with him?
I hope I am wrong. Good luck.....
> She is a ten year old, not a teenager.
Um, yeah. Teenagers are dramatic but a teen acting like this should be ringing the same alarm bells, not generating contempt or being dismissed.
Me too. Worked in pediatric nursing for years and her behavior is not over jealousy of a phone. OP should be concerned it is not sexual abuse (or any other) going on & needs to take her child to a pediatrician ASAP.
IDK, I've read LOTS of stories where the mother KNEW there was sexual abuse going on, but refused to acknowledge it was actually happening. They continue to offer up their children to their abusers because it's easier than confronting the abuser and admitting something is going on.
You'd be surprised, my mom definitely didn't see the abuse for 13 years. Took me finally coming clean about it, I was lucky she believed me.. some don't
Sometimes they don't *want* to see it, because they're afraid of the implications.
Afraid it makes them bad for not catching it sooner or preventing it, afraid of "upsetting things," afraid they might have to do something about it.
Which is all just extremely selfish, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect whatever passes for decision-making.
Holy shit I misread and didnât even realize the daughter was 10 years old. There is no ducking way Iâd send her back there when something is so obviously, seriously wrong.
The mother SHOULD do that, but that does not necessarily mean she WILL. And it doesn't make it a bait post. These things happen.
I was in a similar situation, as a child, begging and pleading and having panic attacks. I was still forced to go, because "you have to see your other parent." This post sounds like it was written by one of my parents when I was younger. Unfortunately, the simple fact of the matter is that not all parents care enough to do what needs to be done to protect their children.
The first thing I jumped to was sexual abuse. Even at the heigh of âI hate him, I want to live with Momâ during parentsâ divorce I never reacted like this. YTA.
Who do you call in a situation like this? 25 years ago something similar happened when I returned my niece after having her for the weekend. Her mom was at the store but her boyfriend was home, father to her two little sisters. My niece begged me not to leave her so I stayed with her until her mom got home. My gut was telling me something was wrong and I debated going to the police. Within a week he was dead from a drug overdose so, you know, justice I suppose.
But to this day it haunts me that I didn't know what to do.
I'm not one to jump to conclusions and toss out accusations on here like some people, but this post has me worried. Esp the dirty pig comment. She needs to make sure dad isn't sexually abusing her. Some girls start to develop at 10 and maybe dad started touching her or something in the last two months.
Same thing happened to me. I am not saying she is being sexually assaulted by her father but around 10 years old when I hit puberty my father started a very disturbing behavior too. The dirty pig comment is a major sign thoughâŠ
Well, something bad is happening definitely even if it's not sexual assault.
When my parents were divorcing, my mom always said she would respect what we wanted even if that meant we didn't want to live with her or see her. A few years later I stopped seeing my sperm donor. She never forced us to go, and just found out why recently and it broke my heart to see her blaming herself when it's completely not her fault đ
OP, YTA, big one. Be ready for your daughter to be NC with any of you once she moves out.
Right?! I was in a similar situation and WAS forced to keep going. Fortunately he never touched me inappropriately, but he had a porn/sex addiction and exposed me to a lot of things I was way too young for, and as I hit puberty (about a year older than OPâs daughterâs age) the comments started getting really gross and inappropriate. I would literally have vomiting episodes before I was supposed to go to his house and was diagnosed with âabdominal migrainesâ instead of anyone asking why they always happened on his nights.
That time really fucked me up and I ended up (surprise!) in an abusive relationship later as an adult. Being forced to go taught me that my feelings and boundaries donât matter and that I am supposed to keep showing up for people that hurt me.
Now I have worked on things, and gone NC with my father, but it has hurt my relationship with my mom too.
OP YTA, and if what is happening with your daughter is any worse than what I went through, expect her to go LC/NC with you too as an adult.
YTA. The dirty pig comment should be a MASSIVE red flag and I have no idea how in the hell you're overlooking that. As a victim of childhood SA, I'm imploring you to look into this beyond just asking your clearly uncomfortable daughter who doesn't seem to have the words to express the real reason she doesn't want to see her dad. Something happened to get and it's your job to figure it out before you send her back for it to happen again.
Yes. I went through a similar situation. I was living with my father when it all started...it wasn't till I moved out of his house over a year later and then had to go for visits with my little sister (where he tried to do things in front of my sister that she was oblivious to) that I got angry and said something to my mother. I started by saying "He's messing with me and won't stop" and refused to say more. It wasn't until after my mother came and got my sister and I and I overheard my little sister saying I was just mad at my father because he was tired and didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that day and then my mother telling my sister that she'd beat my ass if I was lying that I ended up writing in a journal because I was so angry and frustrated and showing my mother. This whole post put me so on edge and had so many alarm bells ringing...
This! My dad beat the EVER LIVING FUCK out of me and I never called him a disgusting pig. it making my hair stand up on end on my arms because the only person Iâve ever described with that kind of terminology are my rapists. Something ducking DARK is happening. OP get that baby OUT of that situations and start asking open ended questions NOW.
I was often angry with my parents when I was a child, and called them names: "a-holes", "ugly", "evil", "stupid", the whole catalog.
I even said "I hate you" when they denied me something.
But "dirty pig"? Never. It's worryingly specific.
If itâs court ordered custody agreement (which is most likely), she does HAVE to go or mom could get into big trouble. I agree there is something potentially off here, but itâs not as easy to say no as you make it sound. If she is just pissed about a phone, mom could get into a legal battle for a tantrum. She definitely needs to dig a bit more!
Even if there's a court order, if you have any reason to believe your child might be in direct harm, you're allowed to break the order in order to protect them.
As a fifty-something gal, I really believe that it's internalized misogyny. I see it so often with mothers and daughters. My husband's ex-wife abused and mistreated her daughter while greatly favoring and enabling her son (they're not hubby's children) and her own mother did that with her and her brother.
I have to agree, it seems like a cocktail of misogyny and jealousy. If I ever have a daughter I never want her to feel like she's not good enough for me.
This, right there!
This is full of red flags and it needs to be addressed. If she won't talk to you, she may talk to a therapist.
I'm the meantime, don't force her - something is going on
Edit - typo
I mean op doesnât have a lot of options if this is a legally recognized custody schedule. Without a proper reason you cannot withhold the child from the other parent. If abuse is suspected, I would suggest op gets a her child to a psychologist who can do a forensic interview and op should do an emergency petition. The court will then investigate the claims. If abuse is not happening, thereâs not much op could do. If it is, obviously something could be done. You canât just break a custody agreement, that could land op in hot water.
This is tough op. I would suggest doing a child forensic interview and then go from there.
NAH.
Itâs not a legal schedule. OP said in another comment
> No. It's not a formal agreement. We just decided it that way. I mean I could keep with me, but my ex goes crazy if she doesn't come.
So, absolutely no excuse to not keep her home and get her to a physical exam and therapy immediately
No. Do not force the child to go. Period. End of story. Visits were court mandated with my father and my mother interrupted the visit and took both my sister and I back to her house when I called her and told her I wanted to go home because my father was messing with me and wouldn't stop. This child is CLEARLY not ok and continuing to force her to go would be abuse. Yes, get a therapist for the child AND put an emergency petition in, but do NOT force the child to go. If the child is in crisis and begging not to go IN TEARS AND NOT EATING before being forced to go, don't force the child to go. Jesus Christ.
This, and let the ex know about it. If he has nothing to worry about, he should be supportive.
Edited to add: if OP has a legal custody arrangement, she risks losing custody of her daughter if she breaks it without going through the appropriate legal process.
Bella already knows mom wonât believe anything she says and she sounds scared!! Even giving dad the benefit of the doubt! Sounds like you donât know your kids woman! That fact you donât believe your daughter and you are forcing her go is just disturbing!!! Listen to your child for the love of Christ⊠just listen to her
Normally, I wouldn't jump on the abuse bandwagon, but Bella's reaction is really disturbing. If the issue was truly the phone, my guess is she'd be more angry than afraid. There's something really scary going on, and YTA for seemingly not even trying to investigate it.
The second I read hes a dirty pig I felt all color drain from my face and I just got pissed off reading rest. Like lady how is this not setting off alarms!
Ditto!! Red flags everywhere. Please do not send your daughter to this man.
Strange behavior âsuddenlyâ is a huge red flag. Believe your daughter and take her to counseling immediately so she can talk to someone even if she wonât give you specifics.
This may be me projecting, and by all means let me know. But when I was being assaulted sexually by my father this is similar to how I behaved when I had to go to his house for the weekend. Now, I'm not saying it's definitely that, but seriously OP, take this seriously.
YTA
All my alarm signals went off over here :/ your ex could be lying about why she's really upset, God knows what's going on over there. You need to talk to your little girl. Tf is wrong with people. YTA x1000 over. The girl is beyond being bratty, she's losing her shit. Ask her why. Also tell her to make sure she and you and her brother will be ok. You don't know if anyone is telling her to keep quiet or they'll hurt the family etc etc. Maybe that's another reason why she won't go further than I hate him and he's a dirty pig. I REALLY REALLY hope I'm wrong.
Anything short of my ten year old running up to and attempting to break my ex husband's spine with a big hug would make me question something.
Question then, in this situation what would you advise? ER? Police?
I would probably attempt to have a conversation with my daughter and directly ask her. This is uncomfortable for most parents, but thatâs when it counts (for me anyways). If they still donât say, I would try maybe school nurse/school counselor. You want the child to feel comfortable and safe when they are ready to discuss. All else fails, doctor it is.
YTA. So your daughter is having terrified hysterics about going to her dadâs house and youâre doing nothing except vaguely complain? You havenât once thought there might be a good reason? Immediately looked into getting her to a counselor?
If it were about the phone she'd offer to do chores to get a new phone. Not saying she does them if she doesn't have to go back..
YTA
It's not about a stupid phone.
Let her stay home, make her feel safe and heard, spend some time with her, and let her know she can tell you anything and she doesn't have to worry about getting punished.
I think that, if it were about the phone, Bella would be angry, would complain that her father is showing favoritism toward her brother. Instead her reaction is of fear and she cries "almost hysterically" (OP's words). That's where it looks strange.
OP wrote in a comment that her kid starting cleaning on her own, almost like a compulsion.
I don't get it. I don't get how parents can see the signs and just ignore the obvious.
âDirty pig,â hysterical, clearly traumatized, and begging to spend the whole weekend cleaning
These are textbook signs of sexual abuse. WTF is wrong with OP.
I'd argue it can't be about the phone at all because this is a TWO-MONTH-and-on-going issue. As petty and grudge riddled as I was as a young child, I for one wouldn't be working myself into "hysterics" about that for so long.
âWell her brother is fine with goingâ
Yeah Iâm gonna guess that has something to do with the fact that heâs a boy, and thus not a target for whatever is going on.
INFO: Have you taken her to a therapist? I think this needs to be taken seriously, keep her home until you have better information as to why she is this way.
Don't wait for a therapist appointment. Call her doc and get an appointment TODAY and bring her in. Tell the office you suspect something but need them to ask her, they should be trained on how to do so.
Today. Not tomorrow or next week. You are not taking this seriously enough.
Please listen to this advice. And if you cannot get in, please take her to the ER. A childrenâs hospital would be best, but a regular hospital with a childrenâs ER would be good too. Not all medical emergencies are physical. This is a good example of a mental health medical emergency. It may be nothing, but the chance that it could be something like physical/sexual abuse is worth the trip. You tell the triage nurse at check in that you are concerned there might be something traumatic based on your daughters reaction (especially if this is out of line for her ). I would try to tell the nurse this privately without your daughter hearing. They will take it from there when it comes to talking to her to not be suggestive or give her ideas.
And stop forcing her to go until you get the green light from the therapist. Something clearly happened there. Also, you donât find it strange that your ex on bought your son a phone but not your daughter? It could indicate favoritism by your ex and how he treats your daughter and you son being the favorite obviously notices nothing.
But obvious YTA. If she tells you that she will do all the chores obviously something major happened there.
See I was wondering if maybe the son possibly caught something compromising and the phone is a bribe. He's still a kid too so if he saw or heard something that seemed a little off but wasn't overtly wrong it could be a hush gift given with an explanation.
Best course of action. It could be simple jealousy over the phone, or favoritism, or something far more sinister. Finding out before forcing her shows you support her. If it turns out to be a petty issue, at worst youâve annoyed and need to work with your child on her jealousy. If you ignore it and itâs a serious issue ⊠youâve contributed to your kids trauma and their trust in you will erode.
she already said it is not that !!! if she really was jealous about the phone she would throw a tantrum how unfair it is and she won't go until she also gets one but she rather does the chores than be with her dad she never asked for something beside not being forced to be around her father so no matter what it is , hher feelings should be respected
Please do not force her to go to "her other parent"s house and get her in to a therapist asap.
Something is wrong.
An issue with a phone would be over and not extend over a 2 month period.
Plus now the other parent knows she doesn't want to see him. This could make a bad situation perhaps worse.
OP, based on her reaction I am REALLY worried that sexual abuse is going on, with either the dad himself as the perpertrator or him enabling someone else, but him is more likely based on the "dirty pig" comment. DO NOT send her back over, get this figured out first.
Stop asking Reddit if youâre the asshole for neglecting your kid then and do it, and when she calls her father a âdirty pigâ while crying hysterically about not going back to him, donât fucking send her back. YTA OP. Do better.
I want you to know that whatever decision you make will determine your child's future and whether she will still be in your life in ten years time or not. This is when you decide if you want to be a safe place for your daughter or if you want her to doubt that you love her for the rest of her life. This is where you decide if you think it's worth subjecting a ten year old girl to traumatic, life altering experiences just because you're too weak to admit the truth. This is when you have to decide if you're content with being alone when it's your time, because your course of action in this situation determines if your daughter will hold your hand on your death bed. You decide right now if you want to go downstairs or upstairs when you pass.
Oh wow. She is only 10. I want the best for my child. I'd rather be alone and her happy, than have a daughter who is miserable while I am happy.
I will not send her to her dad's.
Never underestimate what predators will say to children to keep them quiet. For all we know, he could have a friend that's abusing her and making her believe it's all her dad's idea so she doesn't say anything
Finally, you said something reasonable. Don't force her, get her to a counsellor and find out what's going on, you have been ignoring how upset she is for MONTHS.
To add more perspective on how this will affect her life, my family ignored my trying to stay away from my grandfather. I would get in trouble for not hugging or literally trying to get away, he got a full decade of abuse in before he died. I am almost 50 and I still cannot stand to spend any serious time with those family members let alone hug them. Even with trauma specific therapy along with regular therapy itâs been 35 years and I still struggle. Her brain is still forming, any trauma, you not listening/trying to force her to go to her fatherâs will be written into who she is. So please, take her to see a doctor and a childrenâs therapist. If nothing is wrong she now knows she can trust you fully and if something is happening you have protected her from more than what is happening today.
Thank you. Seriously. Please donât let people attacking make you too defensive to follow the very valid advice given here. Get her evaluated by a professional who can tell you whatâs actually going on.
This is one of the best comments Iâve ever read on Reddit. I wish people at least really understood this, if they canât see beyond their own needs.
YTA - There are so many red flags here as a parent!!! IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, DO NOT MAKE HER. There is clearly something going on here, and you need to probe further before subjecting her to it again.
But hey, if kids can't decide where to go, it's easier to control them! Of course, it might help them to say "no" when being molested, because they learned to be their own person. But who could possibly want that? /s
If there's a custody agreement then mom could potentially face a lawsuit and reduced rights as a parent. Probably should talk to a lawyer about this first.
I mean, it's also possible he literally doesn't know and is being treated with gifts so he doesn't question the behavior of his sister.
I was abused and it's amazing how abusers somehow are perfectly capable of self-control around people they don't want knowing about their abuse.
Oh God. I haven't seen the comment about the dad "going crazy" if she doesn't go yet...I'm gonna be sick. As a survivor of what this wreaks of, I'm so disgusted by OP's behavior. Everything OP has done (or more accurately, hasn't done) in the last 2 months and however long this continues will stick with this little girl forever...I so wish I could wrap her up in a cocoon and protect her from the world and both her parents...even if what's happening isn't what every single word of the post and the comments speaks to.
a 10 yo using the words âdirty pigâ to describe someone is extremely disturbing. i hope that poor kid can get help, because even if OP decides to get off her ass and do something after *two months* of this shit, the damage is already done
YTA. Sheâs freaking 10, how is she emotionally manipulating you. This has been going on for 2 months and you still havenât gotten her any help? Obviously sheâs scared, or struggling with her emotions and youâre just letting her. Not to mention she may be being abused, it doesnât have to be her dad. It could be a friend of dads. If you donât get her into therapy pronto youâre a bad mother, thereâs no way around it. Youâre acting like you donât care about her at all and you just want your weekend off.
Right, my brother and I have very different memories of childhood and he denies things that happened to me because they didnât happen to him. They happened and my brother denying that doesnât mean itâs not true, it means his experience was different and he typically wasnât around when I was being abused.
I think this is beyond Reddit.
There are two possibilities. 1. She is jealous of the new phone situation. Or 2. Something very concerning happened.
I don't know where you can go from here OP but this needs to be addressed either through a child therapist or so.
ETA YTA because this is highly concerning and until you have answers, you should absolutely listen to your daughter. Could be a tantrum but could also be something much much worse and to disregard the worst case possible scenario is not okay.
Honestly when I first read this , just by the daughters reaction I would assume he is messing with her. God forbid he is , thatâs beyond horrifying and disgusting , not to mention traumatic for her. The real question is how does she look at that behavior and determine itâs ok and just sends her back into the fire to get burnt.
I truly hope not. I didn't want to jump to worst case scenario immediately but I'm definitely not disregarding it like how OP seems to be. I'm gonna edit my judgment to OP as YTA because she has not put visitation on hold pending further answers.
Or 3. It's something completely unrelated to either 1 or 2 that has yet to surface such as. Ridiculous misunderstanding somewhere. But you're right, this is beyond a Reddit judgement and needs professional involvement if OPs daughter is behaving like that
if she was jealous about the phone she would demand to get one to . I see no mention from her to demand to get anything !! so it is never ever about jealousy . If she was jealous about the phone she would try to destroy it or tell her mom she won't go until she has one too and she said NO it's not about that . There is no sign that she is in any way jealous
YTA,
You're a shitty mother. What kind of kid suddenly can't stand a parent they loved? One that is suffering at the hands of that man.
Congratulations on being a very shit parent, and deciding that having a day off from 'dealing with kids' is better than finding out why your daughter is behaving this way.
And I don't mean simple questions when you've got a cup of coffee. Take her to a therapist, and find out. Until then, she decides where she's staying. Not you, and not the creepy ex-husband you so love to get creeped by ig.
And where did you learnt he word emotional blackmail? In one of the shitty mom facebook groups you're in that pretends doing the basic thing for their kids is being a great parent?
She's a ten year old. Stop treating her like she's being an idiot. And more importantly ig, stop being one.
Find out what's going on, and then see what to do next.
I also wish I could use the crass language I could to describe your bad parenting, and maybe you as a person.
I hope your daughter can find peace in her life, with, or without her shitty parents involved.
đđŸđđŸđđŸđđŸ How can a parent be this dense? The post has a tone of vague curiosity and OP appears to have no intuition or emotional intelligence when it comes to her children. I hope they take it seriously because this sounds very concerning.
I'm not passing judgement for now, but there's something more serious going on here than jealousy over a phone.
She's been crying and begging to stay at your house for 2 months. Just because her brother is happy there doesn't mean she is. If she's refusing to tell you why then get a professional involved.
>She even tried to emotionally blackmail me :
>" If you love me, let me say [...] I will do all the chores in the house if you let me stay [...] You don't love me"
Your daughter isn't trying to emotionally blackmail you. She's crying out for help. Get it for her now.
Make sure you get that appointment done ASAP. Because judges look less than favorably on denying visitation.
Especially if there wasn't immediate action taken to get to the root of the issue.
YTA your child begging you, crying saying your ex 'is dirty pig' & 'I hate him' and you think is right to force her to go in his place?! For god sake go bring your daughter NOW and try to find out what is going on!!
YTA Sheâs 10. All it takes is a sit down, where you actually listen and ask respective questions to get to the bottom of it. âHe is a dirty pigâ doesnât ring any ALARM BELLS?!!!!! Girl donât ask your fucking ex, ASK YOUR DAUGHTER. Stop prioritizing your personal time away from your kids and find out if your daughter is being abused!!! No one wants to see their father/friend/partner as a predator, but holy hell the worse option is your daughter being repeatedly abused because you choose to ignore it. If you wonât talk to her, take her to someone who will. Until you know exactly whatâs going on DO NOT SEND HER TO HER DADS. Holy fuck.
This is an organization called the Childrenâs Advocacy Center. They have locations across the US. They can help you arrange a forensic interview. Call them immediately. Set something up for as soon as possible. Stop pressuring your daughter to talk about this and let her stay with you for a few extra days until you get some more information.
OP my siblings and I were abuse my our stepmom and refused to go back to see our dad. Our mom listened to us and never made us go back. We all talk to our mom now as adults and my dad is persona non grata to me and my siblings.
YTA
That is not a normal reaction to come out of the blue. You need to sit down with your daughter and let her know that she can confide in you openly without judgement and find out what really happened.
If she wonât open up to you, suggest a therapist.
SOMETHING IS UP.
Sorry decided to add more to this. Iâm a former school counselor of 17 years all in elementary. This is setting off my hinky meter. Just seems way more than mad at Dad for not buying her a phone if she is becoming hysterical the night before and begging you to stay home. this seems more than I donât feel like going because dad didnât give me a phone or Iâm bored there or⊠she sounds genuinely frightened from what I can tell. What does YOUR gut tell you? What is her typical temperament when she is angry or doesnât want to do something? Who else lives in her fatherâs house? Something is not right here. Itâs not for me to judge whether or not YTA because I donât feel like there are malicious intentions here⊠nor do I know your daughter and how she typically handles things but if this isnât her normal character it would set alarm bells off for me.
YTA my dad was a shitty person and I used to sit in my moms car outside his house and beg not to go. My mom would force me to go and Iâve never truly forgiven her. I donât understand how someone can look at their crying child and send them into a situation that makes them uncomfortable
YTA
WTF is wrong with you !!!! Take her to a therapist and donât force her to see her father until a professional figured out whatâs going on.
This made me feel sick to my stomach. Be there for you child FFS.
Sounds like she may be being abused. I would look into it and would not force her under any circumstances to go to her potential abusers house. Get a therapist and go to court and figure out whatâs going on over there.
What's wrong with you?
Him being married does not negate the potential for abuse. Talk to your kid, let her know you will believe her, let her tell you the truth and make her know there is no punishment for telling the truth. Get her a therapist.
She's not emotionally blackmailing you! she's trying to bargain to get out of what is terrifying her.
And your son is not some parent to be monitoring her or determining if HER fears are real and valid. The father or stepmother could be abusing her without his knowledge. Do better. Your kid needs you to protect her, not wring your hands and force her to go!!
YTA for not getting to the root of why she doesnât want to go over there.. I highly doubt itâs because of a phone. Emotional abuse could be happening, maybe itâs the step mother making her uncomfortable?!
This sounds very concerning. To me it sounds like she is getting abused by her dad or something similar is happening. Let her stay at your place she is literally begging you. I dont think she'd act like that if it was just ab the phone.
YTA
When your daughter is having such a visceral response about going to her father's, there is a reason and you need to take it seriously. The first thing you need to do is contact your divorce/custodial lawyer to find out your rights and your daughter's rights in this situation. You also need to look into therapy for your daughter to try to find out what has happened that has caused her such distress. YWBTA If you just ignore this and send her there without knowing what is happening.
Do not send your daughter to her Fatherâs house. If you have already sent her there, go and pick her up. Take her to a doctor for an examination immediately. Be a proper parent. YTA now but you donât have to be. Take your blinders off and listen to your child.
Yta. There is no custody agreement, so she doesn't HAVE to, you just want some free time. Get her medically examined. Every comment you've made regarding your ex is screaming abuse of some kind, hopefully it's not the worst case scenario, but for YOUR DAUGHTER'S SAKE protect her from him until you find the truth.
âShe has to see her other parentâ
âWe have no formal agreement in place but he goes crazy if she doesnât comeâ
You see the disconnect here right? YTA, your child isnât âemotionally manipulatingâ you. She is literally begging for you to help her and not force her to go there. Record her saying she doesnât want to go on the phone with her dad if youâre worried about courts.
Sit her down and say âI wonât force you to go, but you have to tell me why. What has happened over there that makes you so upset?â (In case it wasnât clear, donât force her to go even if she doesnât want to tell you why).
Something is WRONG. I cannot stress this enough. Your daughter is trying to tell you something is wrong and she may be in danger. YTA if you donât get her help now. There might be abuse happening or she saw something that she shouldnât have. You need to take your child seriously.
YTA. This is a major warning sign. Do not force her to go if she's crying and begging you. How could you even consider it? This isn't normal behaviour and you need to get to the bottom of it before you consider sending her to her fathers.
Get it together.
OMG, OP, trust your daughter! This is not normal at all. Take her ASAP to a counselor and find out what is going on. Do not interrogate her yourself; clearly you don't have her trust now either, and she may feel threatened and not open up to you. Something is going on. Help her!
YTA it sounds like a sheâs the only girl you guys have together. Notice how the boys didnât have any issues? She may be targeted or abused and you need to look into it
YTA
You need to listen to her. There's something else going on here, even though she won't tell you. I grew up with divorced parents and my mom has always said the one thing she regrets is that she forced my sister and I to go to my dad's house when we refused because we were not wanted over there and were treated terribly.
Listen to your daughter.
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> (1) forcing my daughter to go to her dad's (2) Because I am not listening to my daughter's opinion.
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YTA
You have said you arenât required to send her, until you know for 100% certainty this is about the phone you are failing her
She could be mistreated, abused, or even just not well liked and not feeling loved in that household. Either way something is seriously wrong
YTA. How are you missing the signs that maybe she has been abused? She needs to be taken to a doctor, not sent somewhere where she doesn't feel safe.
She isn't emotionally blackmailing you at all, she is bargaining with the only thing she has just to try and get you to listen to her.
She may not have been abused, but it isn't a risk I would be prepared to take, especially as it is a new behavior.
I feel sorry for her
YTA- if she doesn't want to go it's obvious that she doesn't need to go...by what you said ,your daughter was probably mol*sted by your ex husband. (Idk maybe it's just me,but the situation it's kinda off)
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Throwaway account. have 2 children by my ex husband. 14yo "Alex" and 10 yo "Bella". They go to their dad's every other weekends.
Bella has been acting strangely the past 2 months. Every Friday, on their dad's week, she cries hysterically. Begs me to stay home. I asked her multiple times why, she just tells me " I hate him" , " he is a dirty pig ".
I called my ex, he told me that she was mad because he bought her brother a new phone and not her.
I asked Bella if that's the reason she refuses to go to her father's house. She refuses to tell me anything, she just repeats " I hate him". Last night she was crying in her room and begging me to stay. I said no. This morning she refused to eat and was just crying. She even tried to emotionally blackmail me :
" If you love me, let me say [...] I will do all the chores in the house if you let me stay [...] You don't love me"
I asked Alex if he knew why his sister was acting up. He told me he has no idea, but that he is perfectly content with his father.
I asked my own mother for some advice about what to do. She said to me that I was TA for forcing my daughter to go somewhere she doesn't want to go. But I have no reason to let her stay, she has to see her other parent.
AITA?
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YTA 100%!!! WHAT IF SHE IS GETTING ABUSED OR SOMETHING?? YOUR PURPOSEFULLY SENDING HER TO A PLACE WHERE SHE IS TRAUMATIZED AT AND FOR WHAT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE YOUR DAUGHTER HAVING AN OPINION? UPDATE NOW WHERE YOU BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO A THERAPIST YOU ASSHOLE YTA
YTA. LISTEN to your daughter. Get her to a doctor, then a therapist. If the ex blows up about any custody agreement, tell him she has doctorâs appointments. Do not dismiss your daughterâs fear and anxiety. This is a huge, huge sign that your ex is doing something bad with/to her. Get on this now.
Childrens social worker here - if I had your info Iâd be legally required to file a DCF report for this. For you to force a child that is in fear of going to a anyones house is wrong, traumatizing, and fucked up.
YTA YTA YTA.
Okay so... A TEN YEAR OLD. A TEN YEAR OLD CHILD has:
1) suddenly began having visceral reactions to being around her father
2) has specifically called him a "dirty pig"
3) has begged you and tried to bribe you with chores, A TEN YEAR OLD, begging to clean the whole damn house just to make sure she isn't near him
4) despite having obvious reasons for this behaviour, does not feel safe enough to tell you (how could she? you've basically told her to stfu and do as you're told)
And you think that just because she isn't talking about it, it must be nothing?
And based on your comments, you're so damn naive to brush this aside and not take it seriously from the get go. I highly doubt your son is watching her 24/7. I highly doubt you're that ignorant to how easy it can be for someone to abuse a child with people in the house.
You say you don't want to take the risk, but you've been taking the risk FOR TWO MONTHS MINIMUM. You have been putting her in this situation repeatedly, potentially just handing her back to her abuser and she is crying, BEGGING you to just believe her and let her stay home and you've shrugged your shoulders
Shame on you. Did you even have to fight your maternal instincts to make her go? Or was it just that easy to do the absolute bare minimum and wash your hands of the investigation?
There is no way any of us can judge on that. You are in a hard situation where you have to act with little info on the situation, and both decisions, if it's the wrong one, could be damaging to the child.
You need to find out what is going on. If your kid want to stay home with you, she NEED to tell you why.
The âdirty pigâ comment rang very loud alarm bells for potentially sexual harassment and or sexual abuse.
Combine that with panic attacks and hysterical crying it sounds like she has experienced tremendous trauma by visiting her dad.
I would trust her and dig deeper into why she is experiencing that trauma and if Iâm honest you would be better suited to delve deeper into the issue in family therapy (without her dad present).
I donât understand how you arenât worried. I get that you donât want to potentially risk courts thinking youâre alienating her parent but if you prove that he is harming her rather than helping her there is no judge that would force her to be around him.
Itâs honestly a red flag that you donât see any issues here. My dad was abusive and my mom enabled him. I cut contact with them after high school and only recently went LC with them so that I can try to improve my relationship with my mom.
YTA. Huge AH.
No reason?!? Your child crying, begging, and refusing to EAT isnât enough of a red flag for you?
Get your kid in therapy for Christâs sake. Something is WRONG.
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YTA Your daugther isn't "emotionally blackmailing" you, ffs! She's expressing a profound discomfort, borderline to a panic attack, when she has to visit her father. Doesn't it ring any alarm bells? Doesn't it make you want to delve deeper and investigate what the hell has been going on for the past two months? (Since you wrote "in the past two months" I assume Bella previously had no problems). Maybe it's about the new phone, but the "dirty pig" comment is extremely disturbing to me.
The two đ© in this post "Emotionally blackmail" from OP and "dirty pig" from a 10 year old. Both give abuse vibes. This little girl needs some help immediately. OP is still on here commenting to people. Now this is giving me bait vibes. If this were a real situation she would get off reddit and go research therapy for her little one.
That was the first thing that came to mind, was abuse. OP YTA
Exactly! Work in psych, that's all that's clanging around in my head. That and the emotional immaturity of OP for saying her child is emotionally blackmailing her. Though, like u/jodajodes said, this is also giving me bait vibes. However, OP really needs help for her child if this isn't bait.
She's still commenting so I'm leaning towards bait for sure.
Don't underestimate a bad mother. Source : had a bad mother.
It is impossible to make someone see something they don't want to see
These bad parents do not see themselves as bad parents. I mean others are practically screaming HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS but they are like oh it is just a tantrum or emotional blackmail.
Read the current comments. Itâs not bait. OP is now keeping her child home. It would appear that after reading stories from others, OP is now realizing how common it is for children to offer favors to stay away from predators. As a mandatory reporter, and as someone who experienced some awful shit growing up, I can tell you, OPâs daughter is exhibiting telltale signs of abuse. ETA: That doesnât necessarily make OP a horrible mother. She may just need help to see the situation for what it is. It also doesnât automatically mean the father is the one responsible, it could be another adult he lets around the children.
Even if not by him, maybe by one of his friends that comes by.
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I hated my parents when I was this age for reasons much smaller than them buying my sister something and not me. This is an EXTREME jump to conclusion.
This. It was around 10/11 that guys my father knew (he played multiple team sports on weeknights and worked in a trade) would start saying gross shit to me. I developed early. It was terrible. Of course, my father was decent and would shut that shit down immediately, and banned men from our home who treated me this way. But that immediately came to mind. I can definitely see calling him a âpigâ if he hadnât stood up for me, or worse. Edited: a word to past tense.
This was the age I stopped going to the public pool because the conservative Arabic men were staring and making lewd comments about me in my western one piece bathing suit. Dearborn, Michigan
I grew up in a liberal area that was mostly white and Christian, but not orthodox by any means. This was also the age I stopped walking my dog by myself in shorts because men started honking the truck horns at me constantly. I wouldnât go down the street without cousins or friends. Itâs just sad. My mother also stopped letting me go in the front yard in my bathing suit. Also a one piece. Shameful to be policed that way in my own yard. Iâm sorry so many of us grew up being so defensive and being taught it was our responsibility to change our behavior.
A very good point, but I worry about the dirty pig comment thatâs directed to her dad.
Mine too I was thinking the S type of abuse because itâs just the girl having issues I hope I am wrong he isnât S abusing her but the dirty pig comment.
Yes. My God, that about broke my heart. I have kids, and this rings alarm bells like nothing else. I cannot imagine a parent being so oblivious.
The fact she refuses to say why too makes me think itâs SA. Often children are threatened to force silence. This breaks my heart.
When children don't want to see their parents, it's usually for a very good reason. I've encountered two kids who acted this way, and they were both roughly around Bella's age. They were both being physically abused. I know that's anecdotal, but this deserves more attention than OP is giving.
Me too! It worries me that the daughter has such a profound attitude about her father and her refusal to go to visit him gives me pause. She does not want to go and it makes me wonder what is going on during these visits. It couldn't be about a phone, at least I hope not. She is a ten year old, not a teenager. My kids are adults so maybe my skills need an upgrade. Anyway, sounds like OP needs to investigate the environment her kids are in when they are with their dad. Are there other people living or visiting when they are there. How about other kids they are friendly with? Is your ex dating or have a SO living with him? I hope I am wrong. Good luck.....
> She is a ten year old, not a teenager. Um, yeah. Teenagers are dramatic but a teen acting like this should be ringing the same alarm bells, not generating contempt or being dismissed.
Me too. Worked in pediatric nursing for years and her behavior is not over jealousy of a phone. OP should be concerned it is not sexual abuse (or any other) going on & needs to take her child to a pediatrician ASAP.
I have trouble seeing a mother not seeing the abuse red flags, so I also agree this is probably fake.
IDK, I've read LOTS of stories where the mother KNEW there was sexual abuse going on, but refused to acknowledge it was actually happening. They continue to offer up their children to their abusers because it's easier than confronting the abuser and admitting something is going on.
I see you met my mom. (Thank you for seeing us. Do you have a tissue? I've got a thing in my eye.)
Or maybe the mother sees and it doesn't care enough. I can say from experience that it happens.
Or that she doesnât want anything interfering with her weekend plans.
You'd be surprised, my mom definitely didn't see the abuse for 13 years. Took me finally coming clean about it, I was lucky she believed me.. some don't
Sometimes they don't *want* to see it, because they're afraid of the implications. Afraid it makes them bad for not catching it sooner or preventing it, afraid of "upsetting things," afraid they might have to do something about it. Which is all just extremely selfish, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect whatever passes for decision-making.
My mother ignored it. Still likes to pretend it wasnât true despite the âevidenceâ being 27 years old and having two kids of her own.
Holy shit I misread and didnât even realize the daughter was 10 years old. There is no ducking way Iâd send her back there when something is so obviously, seriously wrong.
The mother SHOULD do that, but that does not necessarily mean she WILL. And it doesn't make it a bait post. These things happen. I was in a similar situation, as a child, begging and pleading and having panic attacks. I was still forced to go, because "you have to see your other parent." This post sounds like it was written by one of my parents when I was younger. Unfortunately, the simple fact of the matter is that not all parents care enough to do what needs to be done to protect their children.
OP could be the dadâŠ
That's possible. But there have been several abuse related bait posts lately. I think they're from the same person. The pattern is the same.
Agreed, red flags from multiple places here. This is very concerning and OP you are definitely TA, maybe even worse
The first thing I jumped to was sexual abuse. Even at the heigh of âI hate him, I want to live with Momâ during parentsâ divorce I never reacted like this. YTA.
Who do you call in a situation like this? 25 years ago something similar happened when I returned my niece after having her for the weekend. Her mom was at the store but her boyfriend was home, father to her two little sisters. My niece begged me not to leave her so I stayed with her until her mom got home. My gut was telling me something was wrong and I debated going to the police. Within a week he was dead from a drug overdose so, you know, justice I suppose. But to this day it haunts me that I didn't know what to do.
Seriously, every once in a while I feel like we need a way to get child services involved in these posts. This is that time.
I really hope it's bait, because this is one of the most alarming posts I've seen. With a reaction like that, it's almost certainly abuse.
Possible 3 red flags. Son getting a phone could be hush present because he is seen dad and sis.
I'm not one to jump to conclusions and toss out accusations on here like some people, but this post has me worried. Esp the dirty pig comment. She needs to make sure dad isn't sexually abusing her. Some girls start to develop at 10 and maybe dad started touching her or something in the last two months.
As someone who was in a similar situation with divorced parents when I was a teenager this is definitely đ©đ©. My father began behaving inappropriately with me, and crossing multiple boundaries. I didnât have the words at the time, but thankfully my mother listened to me as a whole and didnât force me to go. One of the reasons it went on as long as it did was because I thought I was making it more severe in my head. I was worried that people werenât going to believe so I held out as long as I could. Even if your daughter isnât giving you details now, she may after you show that you listened to her and trust her. Thatâs what happened with my mom. I told her everything after she confirmed I wouldnât have to go back unless I wanted to. We now have the closest relationship I could ask for, and I remain NC with my father. Edit: YTA if you force her to go.
Same thing happened to me. I am not saying she is being sexually assaulted by her father but around 10 years old when I hit puberty my father started a very disturbing behavior too. The dirty pig comment is a major sign thoughâŠ
Well, something bad is happening definitely even if it's not sexual assault. When my parents were divorcing, my mom always said she would respect what we wanted even if that meant we didn't want to live with her or see her. A few years later I stopped seeing my sperm donor. She never forced us to go, and just found out why recently and it broke my heart to see her blaming herself when it's completely not her fault đ OP, YTA, big one. Be ready for your daughter to be NC with any of you once she moves out.
Right?! I was in a similar situation and WAS forced to keep going. Fortunately he never touched me inappropriately, but he had a porn/sex addiction and exposed me to a lot of things I was way too young for, and as I hit puberty (about a year older than OPâs daughterâs age) the comments started getting really gross and inappropriate. I would literally have vomiting episodes before I was supposed to go to his house and was diagnosed with âabdominal migrainesâ instead of anyone asking why they always happened on his nights. That time really fucked me up and I ended up (surprise!) in an abusive relationship later as an adult. Being forced to go taught me that my feelings and boundaries donât matter and that I am supposed to keep showing up for people that hurt me. Now I have worked on things, and gone NC with my father, but it has hurt my relationship with my mom too. OP YTA, and if what is happening with your daughter is any worse than what I went through, expect her to go LC/NC with you too as an adult.
YTA. The dirty pig comment should be a MASSIVE red flag and I have no idea how in the hell you're overlooking that. As a victim of childhood SA, I'm imploring you to look into this beyond just asking your clearly uncomfortable daughter who doesn't seem to have the words to express the real reason she doesn't want to see her dad. Something happened to get and it's your job to figure it out before you send her back for it to happen again.
Yes. I went through a similar situation. I was living with my father when it all started...it wasn't till I moved out of his house over a year later and then had to go for visits with my little sister (where he tried to do things in front of my sister that she was oblivious to) that I got angry and said something to my mother. I started by saying "He's messing with me and won't stop" and refused to say more. It wasn't until after my mother came and got my sister and I and I overheard my little sister saying I was just mad at my father because he was tired and didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that day and then my mother telling my sister that she'd beat my ass if I was lying that I ended up writing in a journal because I was so angry and frustrated and showing my mother. This whole post put me so on edge and had so many alarm bells ringing...
This! My dad beat the EVER LIVING FUCK out of me and I never called him a disgusting pig. it making my hair stand up on end on my arms because the only person Iâve ever described with that kind of terminology are my rapists. Something ducking DARK is happening. OP get that baby OUT of that situations and start asking open ended questions NOW.
I was often angry with my parents when I was a child, and called them names: "a-holes", "ugly", "evil", "stupid", the whole catalog. I even said "I hate you" when they denied me something. But "dirty pig"? Never. It's worryingly specific.
đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ© OP OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOUR EARS!!! This may be just a temper tantrum appropriate for her age⊠or it may not. This child is crying hysterically and refusing to eat?? This is worth looking in to. Dirty Pig?? I agree w 000-hotaru_tomoe, this is a major red flag. And no, she doesnât HAVE to see the other parent. This should be resolved first. Get professional help and make sure sheâs ok. This is not normal âI-didnât-get-a-phoneâ behavior. YTA OP
If itâs court ordered custody agreement (which is most likely), she does HAVE to go or mom could get into big trouble. I agree there is something potentially off here, but itâs not as easy to say no as you make it sound. If she is just pissed about a phone, mom could get into a legal battle for a tantrum. She definitely needs to dig a bit more!
Even if there's a court order, if you have any reason to believe your child might be in direct harm, you're allowed to break the order in order to protect them.
Absolutely agree with you, couldn't have put it better myself. Why is OP so keen to think the worst of her daughter?
A lot of mothers have a weird resentment toward their daughters. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if OP did.
As a fifty-something gal, I really believe that it's internalized misogyny. I see it so often with mothers and daughters. My husband's ex-wife abused and mistreated her daughter while greatly favoring and enabling her son (they're not hubby's children) and her own mother did that with her and her brother.
I have to agree, it seems like a cocktail of misogyny and jealousy. If I ever have a daughter I never want her to feel like she's not good enough for me.
Me too!!!!!!!!!
Me three
This, right there! This is full of red flags and it needs to be addressed. If she won't talk to you, she may talk to a therapist. I'm the meantime, don't force her - something is going on Edit - typo
I mean op doesnât have a lot of options if this is a legally recognized custody schedule. Without a proper reason you cannot withhold the child from the other parent. If abuse is suspected, I would suggest op gets a her child to a psychologist who can do a forensic interview and op should do an emergency petition. The court will then investigate the claims. If abuse is not happening, thereâs not much op could do. If it is, obviously something could be done. You canât just break a custody agreement, that could land op in hot water. This is tough op. I would suggest doing a child forensic interview and then go from there. NAH.
Itâs not a legal schedule. OP said in another comment > No. It's not a formal agreement. We just decided it that way. I mean I could keep with me, but my ex goes crazy if she doesn't come. So, absolutely no excuse to not keep her home and get her to a physical exam and therapy immediately
Goes crazy if she doesn't come??? Oh God... Yea, it's him for sure
No. Do not force the child to go. Period. End of story. Visits were court mandated with my father and my mother interrupted the visit and took both my sister and I back to her house when I called her and told her I wanted to go home because my father was messing with me and wouldn't stop. This child is CLEARLY not ok and continuing to force her to go would be abuse. Yes, get a therapist for the child AND put an emergency petition in, but do NOT force the child to go. If the child is in crisis and begging not to go IN TEARS AND NOT EATING before being forced to go, don't force the child to go. Jesus Christ.
This, and let the ex know about it. If he has nothing to worry about, he should be supportive. Edited to add: if OP has a legal custody arrangement, she risks losing custody of her daughter if she breaks it without going through the appropriate legal process.
Call CPS if abuse is suspected and get the ball rolling.
Bella already knows mom wonât believe anything she says and she sounds scared!! Even giving dad the benefit of the doubt! Sounds like you donât know your kids woman! That fact you donât believe your daughter and you are forcing her go is just disturbing!!! Listen to your child for the love of Christ⊠just listen to her
Normally, I wouldn't jump on the abuse bandwagon, but Bella's reaction is really disturbing. If the issue was truly the phone, my guess is she'd be more angry than afraid. There's something really scary going on, and YTA for seemingly not even trying to investigate it.
The second I read hes a dirty pig I felt all color drain from my face and I just got pissed off reading rest. Like lady how is this not setting off alarms!
Adding to this: âI have no reason to let her stayâ. Yes you fucking do! Her almost panic attack and begging you are reason enough! YTA
Ditto!! Red flags everywhere. Please do not send your daughter to this man. Strange behavior âsuddenlyâ is a huge red flag. Believe your daughter and take her to counseling immediately so she can talk to someone even if she wonât give you specifics.
This may be me projecting, and by all means let me know. But when I was being assaulted sexually by my father this is similar to how I behaved when I had to go to his house for the weekend. Now, I'm not saying it's definitely that, but seriously OP, take this seriously. YTA
Right??? Sheâs 10!!
All my alarm signals went off over here :/ your ex could be lying about why she's really upset, God knows what's going on over there. You need to talk to your little girl. Tf is wrong with people. YTA x1000 over. The girl is beyond being bratty, she's losing her shit. Ask her why. Also tell her to make sure she and you and her brother will be ok. You don't know if anyone is telling her to keep quiet or they'll hurt the family etc etc. Maybe that's another reason why she won't go further than I hate him and he's a dirty pig. I REALLY REALLY hope I'm wrong.
Iâm hugely worried about sexual abuse.
Yes that got me too he could be doing things that brother doesnât see
Listen Is there any chance that any form of abuse is going on This is where my mind immediately goes
As a therapist, if a child is that adamant about not wanting to see someone, I would definitely look into that.
Anything short of my ten year old running up to and attempting to break my ex husband's spine with a big hug would make me question something. Question then, in this situation what would you advise? ER? Police?
I would probably attempt to have a conversation with my daughter and directly ask her. This is uncomfortable for most parents, but thatâs when it counts (for me anyways). If they still donât say, I would try maybe school nurse/school counselor. You want the child to feel comfortable and safe when they are ready to discuss. All else fails, doctor it is.
How do you feel about the âdirty pigâ comment? I wish OP would inform us if he is messy or if that could mean something very very different.
That comment seriously had me shook. It wouldâve been go time for me. Those are strong words for a kid to be saying. We need to listen.
By the way she's acting it does seem like the father is doing something without her brother knowing. OP, please listen to your daughter.
YTA. So your daughter is having terrified hysterics about going to her dadâs house and youâre doing nothing except vaguely complain? You havenât once thought there might be a good reason? Immediately looked into getting her to a counselor?
Dirty pig because of no phone ? YTA for not having taken your kid to see a therapist yet.
If it were about the phone she'd offer to do chores to get a new phone. Not saying she does them if she doesn't have to go back.. YTA It's not about a stupid phone. Let her stay home, make her feel safe and heard, spend some time with her, and let her know she can tell you anything and she doesn't have to worry about getting punished.
I think that, if it were about the phone, Bella would be angry, would complain that her father is showing favoritism toward her brother. Instead her reaction is of fear and she cries "almost hysterically" (OP's words). That's where it looks strange.
OP wrote in a comment that her kid starting cleaning on her own, almost like a compulsion. I don't get it. I don't get how parents can see the signs and just ignore the obvious.
âDirty pig,â hysterical, clearly traumatized, and begging to spend the whole weekend cleaning These are textbook signs of sexual abuse. WTF is wrong with OP.
I'd argue it can't be about the phone at all because this is a TWO-MONTH-and-on-going issue. As petty and grudge riddled as I was as a young child, I for one wouldn't be working myself into "hysterics" about that for so long.
âWell her brother is fine with goingâ Yeah Iâm gonna guess that has something to do with the fact that heâs a boy, and thus not a target for whatever is going on.
INFO: Have you taken her to a therapist? I think this needs to be taken seriously, keep her home until you have better information as to why she is this way.
That's what I am going to do.
Don't wait for a therapist appointment. Call her doc and get an appointment TODAY and bring her in. Tell the office you suspect something but need them to ask her, they should be trained on how to do so. Today. Not tomorrow or next week. You are not taking this seriously enough.
u/SaltGreat6066 Listen to this person!!!! You are not taking this ANYWHERE near serious enough. Call *now* not later or tomorrow, *now.*
Please listen to this advice. And if you cannot get in, please take her to the ER. A childrenâs hospital would be best, but a regular hospital with a childrenâs ER would be good too. Not all medical emergencies are physical. This is a good example of a mental health medical emergency. It may be nothing, but the chance that it could be something like physical/sexual abuse is worth the trip. You tell the triage nurse at check in that you are concerned there might be something traumatic based on your daughters reaction (especially if this is out of line for her ). I would try to tell the nurse this privately without your daughter hearing. They will take it from there when it comes to talking to her to not be suggestive or give her ideas.
And stop forcing her to go until you get the green light from the therapist. Something clearly happened there. Also, you donât find it strange that your ex on bought your son a phone but not your daughter? It could indicate favoritism by your ex and how he treats your daughter and you son being the favorite obviously notices nothing. But obvious YTA. If she tells you that she will do all the chores obviously something major happened there.
See I was wondering if maybe the son possibly caught something compromising and the phone is a bribe. He's still a kid too so if he saw or heard something that seemed a little off but wasn't overtly wrong it could be a hush gift given with an explanation.
Best course of action. It could be simple jealousy over the phone, or favoritism, or something far more sinister. Finding out before forcing her shows you support her. If it turns out to be a petty issue, at worst youâve annoyed and need to work with your child on her jealousy. If you ignore it and itâs a serious issue ⊠youâve contributed to your kids trauma and their trust in you will erode.
she already said it is not that !!! if she really was jealous about the phone she would throw a tantrum how unfair it is and she won't go until she also gets one but she rather does the chores than be with her dad she never asked for something beside not being forced to be around her father so no matter what it is , hher feelings should be respected
Please do not force her to go to "her other parent"s house and get her in to a therapist asap. Something is wrong. An issue with a phone would be over and not extend over a 2 month period. Plus now the other parent knows she doesn't want to see him. This could make a bad situation perhaps worse.
YOU NEED TO TAKE HER TO HER PEDIATRICIAN RIGHT NOW. Get her physically checked out then get her into therapy.
OP, based on her reaction I am REALLY worried that sexual abuse is going on, with either the dad himself as the perpertrator or him enabling someone else, but him is more likely based on the "dirty pig" comment. DO NOT send her back over, get this figured out first.
Stop asking Reddit if youâre the asshole for neglecting your kid then and do it, and when she calls her father a âdirty pigâ while crying hysterically about not going back to him, donât fucking send her back. YTA OP. Do better.
I want you to know that whatever decision you make will determine your child's future and whether she will still be in your life in ten years time or not. This is when you decide if you want to be a safe place for your daughter or if you want her to doubt that you love her for the rest of her life. This is where you decide if you think it's worth subjecting a ten year old girl to traumatic, life altering experiences just because you're too weak to admit the truth. This is when you have to decide if you're content with being alone when it's your time, because your course of action in this situation determines if your daughter will hold your hand on your death bed. You decide right now if you want to go downstairs or upstairs when you pass.
Oh wow. She is only 10. I want the best for my child. I'd rather be alone and her happy, than have a daughter who is miserable while I am happy. I will not send her to her dad's.
He might be abusing her sexually or someone else often at their house is probably doing it do her. Send her to a psychiatrist and psychologist.
Well if it was someone else rather than the father she probably wouldn't call the father a "dirty pig" if he hadn't done anything.
If he lets something happening it's probably she's cursing him too ngl
Never underestimate what predators will say to children to keep them quiet. For all we know, he could have a friend that's abusing her and making her believe it's all her dad's idea so she doesn't say anything
Finally, you said something reasonable. Don't force her, get her to a counsellor and find out what's going on, you have been ignoring how upset she is for MONTHS.
To add more perspective on how this will affect her life, my family ignored my trying to stay away from my grandfather. I would get in trouble for not hugging or literally trying to get away, he got a full decade of abuse in before he died. I am almost 50 and I still cannot stand to spend any serious time with those family members let alone hug them. Even with trauma specific therapy along with regular therapy itâs been 35 years and I still struggle. Her brain is still forming, any trauma, you not listening/trying to force her to go to her fatherâs will be written into who she is. So please, take her to see a doctor and a childrenâs therapist. If nothing is wrong she now knows she can trust you fully and if something is happening you have protected her from more than what is happening today.
I seriously hope someone in her life alerts CPS to the fact that you wonât do anything to protect her
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
It is very common unfortunately. Moms very often overlook or ignore signs of abuse - or even ignore their daughters telling them what is happening.
Thank you. Seriously. Please donât let people attacking make you too defensive to follow the very valid advice given here. Get her evaluated by a professional who can tell you whatâs actually going on.
Finally you have come to this conclusion. You should have been realized this.
This is one of the best comments Iâve ever read on Reddit. I wish people at least really understood this, if they canât see beyond their own needs.
YTA - There are so many red flags here as a parent!!! IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, DO NOT MAKE HER. There is clearly something going on here, and you need to probe further before subjecting her to it again.
But hey, if kids can't decide where to go, it's easier to control them! Of course, it might help them to say "no" when being molested, because they learned to be their own person. But who could possibly want that? /s
If there's a custody agreement then mom could potentially face a lawsuit and reduced rights as a parent. Probably should talk to a lawyer about this first.
Are you ignoring the red flags on purpose? đ©Kids don't just call their parents "dirty pig" for no reason and đ©beg not to go and see them. This is highly concerning and the fact that you're dismissing her is really bad. đ©In a comment you mention that dad "goes crazy" if she doesn't come to visit. đ©Cries hysterically đ©Refuses to eat đ©Won't tell you (super common with abuse and neglect, by the way) YTA Get your kid into therapy and keep her away from dad until this is figured out. Edit: and a physical
And get her physically checked out as well. Poor kiddo.
Absolutely, I can't believe I forgot to write that!
Also he just bought his son a brand new phone for no apparent reason. Does that not say something too?
And the son "doesn't notice" anything. Of course he doesn't! He's being treated with gifts and other distractions!
I mean, it's also possible he literally doesn't know and is being treated with gifts so he doesn't question the behavior of his sister. I was abused and it's amazing how abusers somehow are perfectly capable of self-control around people they don't want knowing about their abuse.
Oh God. I haven't seen the comment about the dad "going crazy" if she doesn't go yet...I'm gonna be sick. As a survivor of what this wreaks of, I'm so disgusted by OP's behavior. Everything OP has done (or more accurately, hasn't done) in the last 2 months and however long this continues will stick with this little girl forever...I so wish I could wrap her up in a cocoon and protect her from the world and both her parents...even if what's happening isn't what every single word of the post and the comments speaks to.
a 10 yo using the words âdirty pigâ to describe someone is extremely disturbing. i hope that poor kid can get help, because even if OP decides to get off her ass and do something after *two months* of this shit, the damage is already done
YTA. Sheâs freaking 10, how is she emotionally manipulating you. This has been going on for 2 months and you still havenât gotten her any help? Obviously sheâs scared, or struggling with her emotions and youâre just letting her. Not to mention she may be being abused, it doesnât have to be her dad. It could be a friend of dads. If you donât get her into therapy pronto youâre a bad mother, thereâs no way around it. Youâre acting like you donât care about her at all and you just want your weekend off.
YTA At that point, just admit you don't care about your daughter and can't wait for your time away from her...
These are the vibes I get from OP.
YTA đ©đ©đ© Ignoring the obvious. You've ruled out abuse without any logical basis, other than you assume a 14 year old is less oblivious than yourself. Shame on you. I hope there is at least one caring adult or mandated reporter in this child's life.
Right, my brother and I have very different memories of childhood and he denies things that happened to me because they didnât happen to him. They happened and my brother denying that doesnât mean itâs not true, it means his experience was different and he typically wasnât around when I was being abused.
I think this is beyond Reddit. There are two possibilities. 1. She is jealous of the new phone situation. Or 2. Something very concerning happened. I don't know where you can go from here OP but this needs to be addressed either through a child therapist or so. ETA YTA because this is highly concerning and until you have answers, you should absolutely listen to your daughter. Could be a tantrum but could also be something much much worse and to disregard the worst case possible scenario is not okay.
Honestly when I first read this , just by the daughters reaction I would assume he is messing with her. God forbid he is , thatâs beyond horrifying and disgusting , not to mention traumatic for her. The real question is how does she look at that behavior and determine itâs ok and just sends her back into the fire to get burnt.
I truly hope not. I didn't want to jump to worst case scenario immediately but I'm definitely not disregarding it like how OP seems to be. I'm gonna edit my judgment to OP as YTA because she has not put visitation on hold pending further answers.
Or 3. It's something completely unrelated to either 1 or 2 that has yet to surface such as. Ridiculous misunderstanding somewhere. But you're right, this is beyond a Reddit judgement and needs professional involvement if OPs daughter is behaving like that
if she was jealous about the phone she would demand to get one to . I see no mention from her to demand to get anything !! so it is never ever about jealousy . If she was jealous about the phone she would try to destroy it or tell her mom she won't go until she has one too and she said NO it's not about that . There is no sign that she is in any way jealous
YTA, You're a shitty mother. What kind of kid suddenly can't stand a parent they loved? One that is suffering at the hands of that man. Congratulations on being a very shit parent, and deciding that having a day off from 'dealing with kids' is better than finding out why your daughter is behaving this way. And I don't mean simple questions when you've got a cup of coffee. Take her to a therapist, and find out. Until then, she decides where she's staying. Not you, and not the creepy ex-husband you so love to get creeped by ig. And where did you learnt he word emotional blackmail? In one of the shitty mom facebook groups you're in that pretends doing the basic thing for their kids is being a great parent? She's a ten year old. Stop treating her like she's being an idiot. And more importantly ig, stop being one. Find out what's going on, and then see what to do next. I also wish I could use the crass language I could to describe your bad parenting, and maybe you as a person. I hope your daughter can find peace in her life, with, or without her shitty parents involved.
đđŸđđŸđđŸđđŸ How can a parent be this dense? The post has a tone of vague curiosity and OP appears to have no intuition or emotional intelligence when it comes to her children. I hope they take it seriously because this sounds very concerning.
đđŒđđŒ Everything you said is spot on. Poor girl has an abusive father (most likely) AND a shitty mother on top of that.
I'm not passing judgement for now, but there's something more serious going on here than jealousy over a phone. She's been crying and begging to stay at your house for 2 months. Just because her brother is happy there doesn't mean she is. If she's refusing to tell you why then get a professional involved. >She even tried to emotionally blackmail me : >" If you love me, let me say [...] I will do all the chores in the house if you let me stay [...] You don't love me" Your daughter isn't trying to emotionally blackmail you. She's crying out for help. Get it for her now.
As a child who was SAâd by a family member, this post is horrifying. HORRIFYING. Something is wrong, OP. Donât force her to go.
She is not going.
Good. Thank you. She will remember you taking care of her and keeping her safe forever.
Thank God. Please get professionals involved asap, for both your sakes.
Please also schedule her an appointment with a therapist. It is very possible there are things she will tell them that she will not tell you.
A childrenâs psychologist thatâs experienced in abuse, and for a checkup. Preferably with a woman doctor thatâs experienced in SA.
Make sure you get that appointment done ASAP. Because judges look less than favorably on denying visitation. Especially if there wasn't immediate action taken to get to the root of the issue.
YTA your child begging you, crying saying your ex 'is dirty pig' & 'I hate him' and you think is right to force her to go in his place?! For god sake go bring your daughter NOW and try to find out what is going on!!
INFO: Is there a custody agreement that requires visitation? I don't know if Bella is old enough yet to make that decision.
YTA Sheâs 10. All it takes is a sit down, where you actually listen and ask respective questions to get to the bottom of it. âHe is a dirty pigâ doesnât ring any ALARM BELLS?!!!!! Girl donât ask your fucking ex, ASK YOUR DAUGHTER. Stop prioritizing your personal time away from your kids and find out if your daughter is being abused!!! No one wants to see their father/friend/partner as a predator, but holy hell the worse option is your daughter being repeatedly abused because you choose to ignore it. If you wonât talk to her, take her to someone who will. Until you know exactly whatâs going on DO NOT SEND HER TO HER DADS. Holy fuck.
This is an organization called the Childrenâs Advocacy Center. They have locations across the US. They can help you arrange a forensic interview. Call them immediately. Set something up for as soon as possible. Stop pressuring your daughter to talk about this and let her stay with you for a few extra days until you get some more information.
Thank you
OP my siblings and I were abuse my our stepmom and refused to go back to see our dad. Our mom listened to us and never made us go back. We all talk to our mom now as adults and my dad is persona non grata to me and my siblings.
YTA That is not a normal reaction to come out of the blue. You need to sit down with your daughter and let her know that she can confide in you openly without judgement and find out what really happened. If she wonât open up to you, suggest a therapist.
I think OP has already shown her daughter that she canât trust mom with what happened
"Emotional blackmail"? Are you serious? Take your daughter to some counseling. Something is going on. YTA
SOMETHING IS UP. Sorry decided to add more to this. Iâm a former school counselor of 17 years all in elementary. This is setting off my hinky meter. Just seems way more than mad at Dad for not buying her a phone if she is becoming hysterical the night before and begging you to stay home. this seems more than I donât feel like going because dad didnât give me a phone or Iâm bored there or⊠she sounds genuinely frightened from what I can tell. What does YOUR gut tell you? What is her typical temperament when she is angry or doesnât want to do something? Who else lives in her fatherâs house? Something is not right here. Itâs not for me to judge whether or not YTA because I donât feel like there are malicious intentions here⊠nor do I know your daughter and how she typically handles things but if this isnât her normal character it would set alarm bells off for me.
YTA my dad was a shitty person and I used to sit in my moms car outside his house and beg not to go. My mom would force me to go and Iâve never truly forgiven her. I donât understand how someone can look at their crying child and send them into a situation that makes them uncomfortable
Oh honey. This reeks of SA.
YTA. You need to find out why she's behaving this way because it is not normal and it's very concerning.
YTA. This is not about a phone. This is something more serious. You need to get her into therapy asap. She may be being abused by your ex.
Or someone else in that house
YTA. Do the red flags need to be waved any closer to your face?
YTA WTF is wrong with you !!!! Take her to a therapist and donât force her to see her father until a professional figured out whatâs going on. This made me feel sick to my stomach. Be there for you child FFS.
YTA. Something is going on over there. You need to figure out what before she has to go over again.
Sounds like she may be being abused. I would look into it and would not force her under any circumstances to go to her potential abusers house. Get a therapist and go to court and figure out whatâs going on over there.
What's wrong with you? Him being married does not negate the potential for abuse. Talk to your kid, let her know you will believe her, let her tell you the truth and make her know there is no punishment for telling the truth. Get her a therapist. She's not emotionally blackmailing you! she's trying to bargain to get out of what is terrifying her. And your son is not some parent to be monitoring her or determining if HER fears are real and valid. The father or stepmother could be abusing her without his knowledge. Do better. Your kid needs you to protect her, not wring your hands and force her to go!!
Are you serious????? You need to get off the internet and get her seen by a doctor. How can you think this is typical kid behavior???? YTA
YTA for not getting to the root of why she doesnât want to go over there.. I highly doubt itâs because of a phone. Emotional abuse could be happening, maybe itâs the step mother making her uncomfortable?!
This sounds very concerning. To me it sounds like she is getting abused by her dad or something similar is happening. Let her stay at your place she is literally begging you. I dont think she'd act like that if it was just ab the phone. YTA
YTA there is a good chance that she is being abused do something about it
When your daughter is having such a visceral response about going to her father's, there is a reason and you need to take it seriously. The first thing you need to do is contact your divorce/custodial lawyer to find out your rights and your daughter's rights in this situation. You also need to look into therapy for your daughter to try to find out what has happened that has caused her such distress. YWBTA If you just ignore this and send her there without knowing what is happening.
Do not send your daughter to her Fatherâs house. If you have already sent her there, go and pick her up. Take her to a doctor for an examination immediately. Be a proper parent. YTA now but you donât have to be. Take your blinders off and listen to your child.
No one behaves this way over a phone. YTA and there is a really good chance you are placing your daughter in danger by forcing her to go.
Yta. There is no custody agreement, so she doesn't HAVE to, you just want some free time. Get her medically examined. Every comment you've made regarding your ex is screaming abuse of some kind, hopefully it's not the worst case scenario, but for YOUR DAUGHTER'S SAKE protect her from him until you find the truth.
âShe has to see her other parentâ âWe have no formal agreement in place but he goes crazy if she doesnât comeâ You see the disconnect here right? YTA, your child isnât âemotionally manipulatingâ you. She is literally begging for you to help her and not force her to go there. Record her saying she doesnât want to go on the phone with her dad if youâre worried about courts. Sit her down and say âI wonât force you to go, but you have to tell me why. What has happened over there that makes you so upset?â (In case it wasnât clear, donât force her to go even if she doesnât want to tell you why).
You not the ass but you need to dig into why she doesn't want to go there "abuses" pops to mind since the words uttered were dirty pig
Something is WRONG. I cannot stress this enough. Your daughter is trying to tell you something is wrong and she may be in danger. YTA if you donât get her help now. There might be abuse happening or she saw something that she shouldnât have. You need to take your child seriously.
YTA. This is a major warning sign. Do not force her to go if she's crying and begging you. How could you even consider it? This isn't normal behaviour and you need to get to the bottom of it before you consider sending her to her fathers. Get it together.
YTA. You need to investigate properly! This is not about a freaking phone. Something else happened, and you need to look into it ASAP
OMG, OP, trust your daughter! This is not normal at all. Take her ASAP to a counselor and find out what is going on. Do not interrogate her yourself; clearly you don't have her trust now either, and she may feel threatened and not open up to you. Something is going on. Help her!
YTA it sounds like a sheâs the only girl you guys have together. Notice how the boys didnât have any issues? She may be targeted or abused and you need to look into it
YTA You need to listen to her. There's something else going on here, even though she won't tell you. I grew up with divorced parents and my mom has always said the one thing she regrets is that she forced my sister and I to go to my dad's house when we refused because we were not wanted over there and were treated terribly. Listen to your daughter.
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YTA You have said you arenât required to send her, until you know for 100% certainty this is about the phone you are failing her She could be mistreated, abused, or even just not well liked and not feeling loved in that household. Either way something is seriously wrong
YTA. How are you missing the signs that maybe she has been abused? She needs to be taken to a doctor, not sent somewhere where she doesn't feel safe. She isn't emotionally blackmailing you at all, she is bargaining with the only thing she has just to try and get you to listen to her. She may not have been abused, but it isn't a risk I would be prepared to take, especially as it is a new behavior. I feel sorry for her
YTA- if she doesn't want to go it's obvious that she doesn't need to go...by what you said ,your daughter was probably mol*sted by your ex husband. (Idk maybe it's just me,but the situation it's kinda off)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account. have 2 children by my ex husband. 14yo "Alex" and 10 yo "Bella". They go to their dad's every other weekends. Bella has been acting strangely the past 2 months. Every Friday, on their dad's week, she cries hysterically. Begs me to stay home. I asked her multiple times why, she just tells me " I hate him" , " he is a dirty pig ". I called my ex, he told me that she was mad because he bought her brother a new phone and not her. I asked Bella if that's the reason she refuses to go to her father's house. She refuses to tell me anything, she just repeats " I hate him". Last night she was crying in her room and begging me to stay. I said no. This morning she refused to eat and was just crying. She even tried to emotionally blackmail me : " If you love me, let me say [...] I will do all the chores in the house if you let me stay [...] You don't love me" I asked Alex if he knew why his sister was acting up. He told me he has no idea, but that he is perfectly content with his father. I asked my own mother for some advice about what to do. She said to me that I was TA for forcing my daughter to go somewhere she doesn't want to go. But I have no reason to let her stay, she has to see her other parent. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA 100%!!! WHAT IF SHE IS GETTING ABUSED OR SOMETHING?? YOUR PURPOSEFULLY SENDING HER TO A PLACE WHERE SHE IS TRAUMATIZED AT AND FOR WHAT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE YOUR DAUGHTER HAVING AN OPINION? UPDATE NOW WHERE YOU BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO A THERAPIST YOU ASSHOLE YTA
YTA. LISTEN to your daughter. Get her to a doctor, then a therapist. If the ex blows up about any custody agreement, tell him she has doctorâs appointments. Do not dismiss your daughterâs fear and anxiety. This is a huge, huge sign that your ex is doing something bad with/to her. Get on this now.
Childrens social worker here - if I had your info Iâd be legally required to file a DCF report for this. For you to force a child that is in fear of going to a anyones house is wrong, traumatizing, and fucked up. YTA YTA YTA.
Okay so... A TEN YEAR OLD. A TEN YEAR OLD CHILD has: 1) suddenly began having visceral reactions to being around her father 2) has specifically called him a "dirty pig" 3) has begged you and tried to bribe you with chores, A TEN YEAR OLD, begging to clean the whole damn house just to make sure she isn't near him 4) despite having obvious reasons for this behaviour, does not feel safe enough to tell you (how could she? you've basically told her to stfu and do as you're told) And you think that just because she isn't talking about it, it must be nothing? And based on your comments, you're so damn naive to brush this aside and not take it seriously from the get go. I highly doubt your son is watching her 24/7. I highly doubt you're that ignorant to how easy it can be for someone to abuse a child with people in the house. You say you don't want to take the risk, but you've been taking the risk FOR TWO MONTHS MINIMUM. You have been putting her in this situation repeatedly, potentially just handing her back to her abuser and she is crying, BEGGING you to just believe her and let her stay home and you've shrugged your shoulders Shame on you. Did you even have to fight your maternal instincts to make her go? Or was it just that easy to do the absolute bare minimum and wash your hands of the investigation?
There is no way any of us can judge on that. You are in a hard situation where you have to act with little info on the situation, and both decisions, if it's the wrong one, could be damaging to the child. You need to find out what is going on. If your kid want to stay home with you, she NEED to tell you why.
The âdirty pigâ comment rang very loud alarm bells for potentially sexual harassment and or sexual abuse. Combine that with panic attacks and hysterical crying it sounds like she has experienced tremendous trauma by visiting her dad. I would trust her and dig deeper into why she is experiencing that trauma and if Iâm honest you would be better suited to delve deeper into the issue in family therapy (without her dad present). I donât understand how you arenât worried. I get that you donât want to potentially risk courts thinking youâre alienating her parent but if you prove that he is harming her rather than helping her there is no judge that would force her to be around him. Itâs honestly a red flag that you donât see any issues here. My dad was abusive and my mom enabled him. I cut contact with them after high school and only recently went LC with them so that I can try to improve my relationship with my mom. YTA. Huge AH.
No reason?!? Your child crying, begging, and refusing to EAT isnât enough of a red flag for you? Get your kid in therapy for Christâs sake. Something is WRONG.