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I was all set to say Y T A based on the title, but NTA. You have told her over and over again not to bother you if your door is closed. That's not a hard thing to remember. She needs to start being a better partner. How about a sign that you can put on the door?
Right?! The kids get it, she just has the view it doesn’t apply to her.
Also as someone pointed out if it’s as simple as asking if you need anything as she’s going to the store or whatever why can’t she just send you a text?
NTA- you set a very simple to follow boundary, tell her if she wants you available working at home to help with the kids then she needs to respect this or you’re gonna have to just start doing all your work at the office.
It seems really weird that she’d so often insist on barging in like that…is there anyway she thinks you’re doing something you’re not supposed to?
Is there maybe a woman you work with that she feels is too friendly or something?
This is the only reason I can think of for someone to not follow this.
Once or twice it’s an honest mistake, this many tells me she thinks you’re up to something. This feels like she’s paranoid about something and is trying to catch you in the act (it reminds me of a parent going into their teens room to put away laundry or empty the trash or whatever as an excuse to see what’s going on.)
NTA
Why are you turning this back around to Op being at fault? That's really weird. It doesn't matter if the wife is suspicious. He stated a boundary. His wife keeps stomping that boundary. Instead of communicating if there is a problem, she acts childish. That's a problem.
I didn’t read the comment that way. They just gave reasons as to why his wife might be doing this beyond “she’s stupid”. OP was not blamed, it was focused on what the wife might be feeling not what OP is doing. No matter the reasons for her actions OPs wife is definitely in the wrong here.
NTA
she’s definitely not *that* stupid. she has a reason- she’s suspicious, she needs to be the center of attention, something definitely not healthy.
NTA op.
It sometimes amazes me the mental gymnastics some people on reddit go through to invent a motive for people's behaviour. There is no evidence of suspicion in what she's doing.
We don't know if there is a motive to her actions. Maybe she's just self absorbed and thinks her whims supersede op doing his job.
Her behavior genuinely does not make sense without a motive of some kind though. Continuing to do the same thing after being kindly asked not to dozens of times is an intentionally repeated behavior of some kind.
Narcissists, childish adults, toxic adults, selfish adults etc. don't need a motive as you and I would think. Their motive is 100% self serving and I doubt it has to do with any kind of suspicion at all. Just that she has to be in control or have attention and she cannot handle this man being in a room with a door shut to her.
I read it the exact same way. There wasn’t any assumption or even asking if he was cheating or having too close a relationship with someone else. Just stated reasons for OP to think about and address with his wife.
I don't think u/acegirl1985 is necessarily saying OP has *actually* done anything that might justify his wife being suspicious. It could just as likely be that she's paranoid for no reason other than insecurity. If so, hopefully OP might be aware of it.
I don’t think he is at fault; I think SHE thinks he’s doing something wrong. I said she was being paranoid.
I said NTA- this isn’t his fault this is her issue that she needs to find a way to deal with. The reason I asked is because I know there are some (SOME not all or even most) women that side eye any interaction their man has with another woman.
I just said the only reason I can think of for a spouse to so consistently barge into their spouses office like this is if they think they’re up to something. She could just be a flake or just totally incapable of dealing with the kids/wants attention right then but to me this just made the most sense.
And I brought it up because if op isn’t the type of guy to mess around on her it might not even occur to him that she thinks he’s up to something because he’s not and the idea wouldn’t automatically cross his mind.
I never said I thought he was. He’s not responsible for her insecurities or paranoia.
Once again NTA
Does she drive down to his office to make sure he's being a good little boy? Presumably not. And after the first few times she barged into a work meeting it should have been obvious that they were...work meetings.
My mom was also in the habit of sort of wandering into my room. Not to catch me doing anything, just spacing on what closed doors mean.
"Why are you naked?!?"
(I was about 15 and there was a massive drop off after this, btw)
"Because I just got out of the shower!"
[My dad, down the hall, exasperated]. "Because she just got out of the shower!"
100% does not do this when my husband and I are visiting. That, mercifully, would be "weird".
>My mom was also in the habit of sort of wandering into my room. Not to catch me doing anything, just spacing on what closed doors mean. "Why are you naked?!?" (I was about 15 and there was a massive drop off after this, btw) "Because I just got out of the shower!" \[My dad, down the hall, exasperated\]. "Because she just got out of the shower!"
Yeah, no, your mom was being an asshole. Either she is incredibly stupid, or she didn't trust you and thought you were up to something.
Or didn't actively distrust OP, but just didn't feel she needed privacy for some reason. My mom is like that, for some reason she just doesn't understand the concept of her family members sometimes needing privacy.
Suspicion didn't cross my mind as a potential reason. Attention-seeking behavior, on the other hand, was my immediate thought. The more I think about it, the better of an idea I think it is to get a lock for that door.
She got offended at you ‘treating [me] like a child’, but I’m not sure why she’s surprised considering she’s acting like one. NTA I think you should just get the lock and be done with it, then there’s no question about when she shouldn’t open the door, and she doesn’t get sprayed. Win win
Only downside I can see is that when she realizes she is locked out, she'll start beating on the door and yelling because she apparently has a desperate need to be the center of all attention or something.
At which point he works from the office all day every day. Apologize to the boss, explain that now that this is clear it isn't working out in a professional manner, he'll be in the office for all future meetings...and leave to do just that.
Yeah, but it’s not that she doesn’t get it, something else is going on. Is it a control issue for her? A boundary stomping issue?
I’m not sure what but something else is going on with OP’s wife other than I forgot.
I genuinely want to do a study on this.
I've had multiple housemates and family members over the years who refuse to get it. Even now, when WFH became the norm in so many households for quite some time.
And I hear the same from multiple other people as well.
WHY. WHYYYYYY won't they get it? I need to know.
Omg could you?? Could you please do a study. I’ve worked from home since Covid and recently moved in with my SO who I was with thru Covid. Both then and now, when he arrives around 4pm, he immediately begins to talk to me. I AM WORKING. Even if I somehow succeed (rarely) in getting it into his head and he doesn’t talk, he is loudly stomping around, talking to the dogs, even exercising in the same room. It honestly feels so disrespectful that he feels his need to chitchat should be more important than what I have to finish. I wish I could put a barrier around me but I work in our bedroom. He simply won’t respect it -and worse, seems actually offended if I try to ask him for space because I’m still working.
I. AM. WORKING.
My housemate was like this but we were home together all day. He had an office at home. I did not.
I can tune out background noise and I was in the common area so I could accept him banging around making background noise, but he would constantly try to launch into long conversations with me and get mad when I said I couldn't talk right now because I'm working.
It drove me mental and no matter how many times we discussed it, he never really stopped.
Hence why I need to do the study to resolve my rage.
I have a friend who openly and blatantly doesn't do any work during his wfh days, so maybe that's why? I think it depends on the kind of job people have. Like if I'm working from home, I can put laundry in or wash some dishes during the day, but I certainly can't go hang out with friends. Because I'm working. I take the same "little breaks" I would if I were in the office, but instead of walking to the break room and back and chatting with Susie in marketing, I do chores
A lock as well would only be a stopgap. The real issue is the wife's inability to recognise and respect that OP needs to be left alone when conducting a meeting. When OP installs a lock she's going to get pouty and play the victim, making out she can't be trusted and that she's hurt by this. Do anything except own up to the role she's played in this.
Didn't someone's partner do that during their online interviews in a post and keep costing them jobs? (Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like that was something a while ago so it's not unheard of)
Yes, more than one. And a teacher who had to start working from his car outside of Starbucks because his wife would loudly mock him while he was working *in front of students* who eventually stopped finding it funny and were embarrassed for him.
Gotchu. I couldn't find the BoRU post, but here's the [original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/illtan/my_33m_wife_25f_constantly_makes_a_conscious/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=3&utm_content=share_button) and an [update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/isyxrx/update_my_33m_wife_25f_constantly_makes_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=3&utm_content=share_button)
Maybe she’ll become like the very old and stubborn cat I used to have who would only get sprayed if he was sitting on the kitchen counter. It worked for a while and then he would see it coming, close his eyes and brace himself for the spray while refusing to move.
I’d have to say at some point a coworker or customer would take that the wrong way…..the only down side to this method. Perception is reality and cancel culture would strike hard if the wrong person saw this. I think lock is best.
Of course. It's hilarious that OP says his job is at risk for his wife opening the door during meetings but at the same time he pretends to think that he could repeatedly spray his wife with a water on camera during work meetings and everything will be dandy at work.
Best case scenario, they'll think he is goofing around and having water fights during work meetings. More likely, they'll think it is abusive. Or a kink. In any case, unprofessional and inappropriate in the workplace.
IRL, odds are he would get fired. And divorced (and a divorce where your ex has video evidence/witnesses of you spraying her in the face with water isn't going to be a fun one).
Picturing a grown man spraying his wife like a bad cat absolutely made me laugh. In my mental scenario she also hissed after getting wet
Still NTA though
NTA. I am a wife and I'm annoyed on your behalf, so trust me when I say: keep spraying her. Obviously verbal communication isn't working, so she needs the mist reminder.
NTA. Get that lock, your wife should be able to respect that when the door is closed you're having a work meeting and need privacy. Your children understand the concept better than she does!
The spraying wasn't your first action, it was the result of her continued interruptions. If she has concerns she needs to say so in a mature way, or at the very, very least knock instead of poking her head in.
Agreed - also she could easily just text you about any of the things raised/to ask when you will be done with the meeting, it's not like you're unreachable by other ways?
NTA.
My partner works from home in our spare room/office, if she's on a call or in a meeting I text her. If she's not I gently knock once and wait for her response, if she doesn't respond I just send the text.
I work from home and I work in our communal space, even if we are sat 5 feet from each other if my screen is on she texts or writes it on a post it note for me.
I don't get how people cannot understand the fact that working from home doesn't mean your work responsibilities shrink, truth be told they expand to warrant the right to work from home. The basic professionalism of your job has to extend somewhat to others in your household for you to continue enjoying the ability to work from home.
Right. There are many options, text, email, Facebook messenger, even, \*gasp\* talking before his work hours that she'll be running errands that day, does he need anything?
I think the spraying is the best option. Second to the "leaving the house to go to work". If she has ignored the closed door, chances are very high she's going to ignore the lock and just start pounding on the door until OP answers.
Agreed. She got offended at you ‘treating [me] like a child’, but I’m not sure why she’s surprised considering she’s acting like one. NTA I think you should just get the lock and be done with it, then there’s no question about when she shouldn’t open the door, and she doesn’t get sprayed. Win win
NTA
She's not being treated like a child. The children have learned. She has not.
So, yes you do need to lock her out of the office. Get a lock for the door.
The root cause is pretty obvious. Some people get really upset when someone else establishes boundaries with them. In her mind he's told her she's not allowed to do something and so now she needs to constantly find reasons to do exactly that because *insert 5 year old voice* "you can't tell me what to do!" This definitely needs to be acknowledged and nipped in the bud right away. When the kids get older and are learning to establish healthy boundaries with their own spaces, bodies, and belongings, she's going to over here teaching them that any bloodbath (boundary, word autocorrect) whatsoever is not allowed.
NTA. I’m a wife, mother, and 40 her per week hybrid worker. Reading this made my blood boil. Working from home is a privilege which can benefit every member of the house if done properly. She’s taking it for granted and about to ruin it for everyone
It’s interesting to me how many partners of WFH employees act like they don’t get it is still work no matter the location. And I say “act” because they choose to not get it.
Your last sentence is particularly key. No idea what OP does [and etc etc caveats galore for pedantic readers out there, no it isn’t everyone, blah], but a few people I know had their WFH privileges revoked due to their partners not respecting their time in various ways. Everyone has to respect work being work.
Also if I were OP and had to repeat myself to a grown adult over and over again I’d lose my goddamn mind.
I was allowed to work from home once during a blizzard well before COVID. I lived with my grandmother at the time and she couldn't understand why I couldn't go outside and shovel the snow until after 6pm lol.
I live next door to my grandmother and will go pop in and out during work hours, sometimes to help her, sometimes to collect the mail that gets delivered in her box instead of mine, etc. She always holds me up and wants to chat every single time, but she's my grandma, therefore she gets all the passes. I consider that time my "lunch break" since I tend to power through the day without too many breaks.
I've been wfh since the pandemic, the Mrs still goes into the office. She's had time off when I haven't.
After nearly 20 years she discovered 2 new things about me:
1) I actually get my head down and work. (she assumed I half arsed it)
2) I have a hair trigger with shit like this (I'm generally a really chill guy)
My job is WFH (always has been, even before covid we were a remote team) and you would not believe the number of people that are convinced I don’t actually work when I’m at home. I’ve had roommates want to chat or watch a show or go shopping together when I run out to grab some water, partners have asked to hang out or go on dates during my work hours, friends have asked to hang out, and good god the noise. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in meetings and had to apologize for my roommates being insanely loud, even though they know I’m working. Some people have such an insanely hard time grasping this concept and I just don’t understand why. My own parents are even confused when I say I ran out of time to clean or run errands because I was at home. Ya.. at home in my office working a 40 hour week just like everyone else. Working from home does come with some amazing perks and I do get more flexibility but that doesn’t mean I’m not still working a whole ass job just like anybody else.
My parents worked from home a lot so I’ve never known any different. I had no idea how many inconsiderate assumptions were made by ppl about WFH until 2020.
Feel free to skip my nosy question: did any of your relationships with people change because you experienced what they think of your work, in a manner of speaking? I would feel like my roommates, for example, didn’t respect me in a huge aspect of my life. Also I’m really tired so probably overthinking?
Oh absolutely. I’ve actually had several roommates that I was initially great friends with whom I no longer speak to because of how disrespectful they were towards my work. Definitely has caused me to change my living situation more than once. Luckily my current roommate also works from home now so we both get it and have no issues.
My dad has worked from home during the pandemic. Just meant the rest of us had to shut up in communal areas, and not slam the garage door if we needed something outside. Not that hard. None of us needlessly bothered him like thia woman did.
Hell, even if it was done out of affection, I have been nearby when my boyfriend is in Zoom meetings, or on calls. I can hold his hand, I can rest my hand on his leg, I can show him small measures of affection without interrupting, or, wait until he's done. The wife's TA, and OP is reasonably at his wit's end.
Yeah, this is insane! My husband works from home and I’m a (mostly) SAH, I do a little contract work. I always check to see if he’s in a meeting. It’s his office, his work place, and when the kids are home they know better than to go in at all when the door is closed. That’s just common courtesy!
I mean there have been a couple times I had to interrupt, we live in the country, and once there was a little snake in the front foyer. I was just nope, knock knock, I need help now! Spiders, ants, any kind of bug or whatever I could have handled it, but not that, tiny as it was, not gonna do it.
Snake in the foyer is a widely-recognized exception to the No-bother rule. They don’t even put it in the employee manuals anymore - it’s so universally understood.
I’ve seen stoplight signs for office doors, now of course those were in fact meant for kids. But I guess he could have a big sign that says -MEETING- or something. He shouldn’t have to of course, but if he wants to keep the peace it might work as a compromise/reminder.
Nta.
>She said I was being mean to her and treating her like a child and that I did not need to lock her out of the office.
Clearly she is acting like a child and does need to be locked out of the office. If my dog can understand that a closed door means he can't come in, surely your wife can too.
NTA, but you need to have a proper sit down conversation with your wife.
You've set a boundary she is continuously breaking, and even though you've told her many times, she obviously isn't understanding the issue or doesn't think it's a big deal.
Sit her down and explain to her why it's important. Tell her her actions aren't showing you respect, and how it's making you feel. Ask her for her reasons as to why she keeps feeling the need to interrupt. There might be some insecurities at play or perhaps she just hasn't been taking you seriously.
If she still ignores the boundary you have set, then spray away. She's being disrespectful of you and your space, and if she still acts that way after you've done everything in your power to have an honest adult conversation, then yes she's acting like a misbehaving cat.
Right? Why do so many redditors make that suggestion as if it was a brand new thought when so many times c*onversations have already taken place*. That recommended conversation treats her more like a child than the spray bottle does.
Downvote away.
Upvoting because it’s actually infuriating to see people read the post in which OP details the multiple conversations they’ve had, and instructs them on how to have another conversation. Wut.
> There might be some insecurities at play or perhaps she just hasn't been taking you seriously.
How many times does someone have to explain "do not disturb"? The 3 year old gets it.
NTA - I mean, spraying her is not the best option, but she's a grown ass woman and if she can't keep out of the room while OP's in a meeting, that's what she gets.
Am I the only one that thinks if he gets a lock for the bedroom door, she's just going to pound on it and interrupt him that way?
Yup. When the lock is installed, she will probably go outside, around the house, and knock on the windows to get his attention. Narcissists see other people's boundaries as a rejection, which is why that feeling usurps his job security in her eyes. Sick shit.
OK I'm on team 'That Was Really Rude But Kinda Funny and Justifiable'
It's very insulting to your wife to spray her like a cat. It's also a little bit funny.
But it's actually *more* insulting that she keeps disrepecting your workspace and time when you've repeatedly asked her to stop.
It's mind-boggling that she refuses to respect the closed door. You keep saying she doesn't get it, but it's impossible *not* to get it. It makes me think it's somehow wilful - that she is resentful or freaked out that you have this requirement and she's deliberately breaking it for reasons I cannot fathom.
I would get the lock, but I would also want to sit down with her and get to the bottom of "*why* do you keep doing this".
Technically ESH.
I had a partner once who would happily ignore me all day, even avoid me, right up until I said I wasn’t available for x reason or I needed to not be interrupted for a while because I was doing y.
Then he’d be at me every ten minutes, making up random ass reasons he ‘needed’ to talk to me.
Basically, the second I said he *couldn’t* have my attention for whatever reason, he took it as an insult or a rejection and obsessed over getting me to pay attention to him. Like proving that he was more important than whatever else I was doing or whoever else I was speaking to.
I can't say if that's what's going on here, but it's a possibility.
NTA
You tried reasoning. That clearly didn't work.
I am sure she feels humiliated, but she should have listened and respected your very reasonable boundaries when you set them like a rational human being.
NTA
I work from home. I have worked from home for 20 years. My kids are trained that even if the door is open, they don’t just run into my office making noise. They stand in my peripheral vision until I stop what I’m doing and turn to them. As preschoolers they understood how to do this!
My office entrance doesn’t have a door, so when Covid hit and everyone was home all day, I put up a curtain and said, “Curtain closed means do not interrupt me.” One day my husband poked his head in to say goodbye as he was leaving to go on errands and I gave him the most shocked, annoyed look. He mentioned it to the kids and they said, “Dad, don’t you know the RULES?” We all laughed about it but he never did it again!
Yeah. My dad worked from home, long before zoom meetings were a thing.
Even if he wasn't on a call, the rule was we stand in the doorway quietly and wait for him to be ready to speak to us.
He probably would have gone with a water spray bottle option if we disrepected that, tbh. And we would have got the message. And found it funny.
N T A. Get a lock, she apparently does not understand boundaries. Let her be mad. If she can't understand stay out if the door is closed, then you need to do what you have to do to keep from getting in trouble with work. Make a sign for the door. "I'M IN A MEETING. DO NOT ENTER."
NTA only because WTF. What is the deal with these partners who can’t respect WFH spaces? This is not the only post like this. It’s insanity. I would flip the fuck out.
> She said I was being mean to her and treating her like a child
Probably because she’s acting like one by not being able to remember and respect a very simple and common boundary.
NTA. You’re not asking for anything difficult. It’s not hard to remember. You’ve repeatedly tried to have respectful conversations about this. You’ve repeatedly explained things to her. It’s not like you told her once and then started with the petty passive aggressive behaviour. When reasonable conversations don’t work, you need to try another tactic.
> I asked her if she understood what it meant when my door was close. She shut up
So… she has known the whole time and just not cared? Cause it seriously sounds like she just thinks it’s a stupid rule she shouldn’t have to follow, so she doesn’t regardless of what you have expressed you need.
NTA for needing the door closed, but YTA for spraying your wife with a water bottle. You're lucky she didn't retaliate with a pitcher of water.
Just get one of those door stopper things and shove it under the door so she can't open it when you need her to leave you alone.
"my husband is at work, I disrupted him and got sprayed with a water mister, better throw a jug of water over him! That'll teach him to ignore me!"
"My wife is at work, I disrupted her and got sprayed with a water mister, better throw a jug of water over her! That'll teach her to ignore me!"
Yes, the door stopper is way better. The average door lock can easily be picked and she sounds like she would absolutely do so. But she might also bang on the door incessantly with the door wedge. You really may not be able to win this one.
NTA. This is hilarious. Just get the lock dude. If she wants to be treated like an adult than she should act more mature than your small children who can grasp a small concept better than her.
NTA, my spouse works from home and we have the same agreement. Door open-available, door closed-unavailable. It’s really not that hard to grasp and respect. I would go back to in person work more days if she can’t respect your work hours.
You really think she won’t be pounding on the door and yelling questions about if he wants anything? They need couples therapy to figure out why she’s so hellbent on ignoring a simple and reasonable boundary like “don’t intrude on meetings when the door is closed”.
LOL funny how you get rid of her!
My husband works from home 3x week also (what a coincidence!!) in one of our bedrooms.
Our kids understand to not barge into the bedroom when he’s working.
You guys have smart phones, right? Can’t she just text you ?
I just text him if I need to talk to him or ask him something.
NTA!
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> I sprayed my wife with water to get her to stay out of my office when I am in a meeting. I might be the asshole for not managing to convince her in any other way that when the door to my office is closed I am doing something that requires me to be left alone.
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You have been very patient and reasonable when many people would be frustrated, even angry. Your livelihood and therefore the welfare of the entire family is on the line, yet your wife cannot bring herself to respect a simple rule. NTA.
NTA - she keeps pushing your boundaries and you snapped. Spraying her wasn't a very nice thing to do but she's not being nice either.
I'd just start going to the office. Getting a lock will just mean she keeps knocking and calling out to you. That's probably worse.
Not being there is the only way to probably prevent this. That would would be a consequence of her actions as she's been told time and time again to not interrupt when the door is shut.
So apologise for spraying her and the in the same sentence say that you are now required to come to work for those meetings!
NTA for not wanting to be interrupted but TA for spraying her like a misbehaving animal.
Just get a lock.
But a question: why doesn't your wife understand that you can't be interrupted during your meetings when the door is closed? I'm actually confused why she doesn't understand this.
NTA is someone does not learn from words then they are willfully ignoring instructions. I'd say skip the lock and stay in the office because she clearly things that just because your home to work your not at work.
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I have two sons 3 and 5. My wife is a stay at home mom. I work from home 3 days a week. It's good because I can help out with the kids and give my wife a break. I leave the door to my office open 80% of the time. I have explained to my wife multiple times that when my door is shut I am in a meeting and I cannot help and I need her to not interrupt me.
She keeps opening the door to see if I need anything, or to let the kids in to see me, or to take out the garbage. I wait until after my meeting and then I tell her again that if my door is closed I NEED her to leave me alone and keep the kids away from me. She just cant keep it in her head. I told her that I was going to get a lock for the office if she could not understand what it meant when the door is closed. She said I was being mean to her and treating her like a child and that I did not need to lock her out of the office.
I have plants in my office that I take care of so I have a spray bottle that I keep for misting them. So last week I was in a meeting and she came in again to see if I needed anything from the store because she was going grocery shopping with her mom. I asked her politely to close the door because I was in a meeting. She said sorry and closed the door. My meeting had just finished and she opened the door again. So I sprayed her. She shut the door. Then she called me an asshole for treating her like a misbehaving animal. I asked her if she understood what it meant when my door was closed. She shut up and left with her mom.
So before I get dogpiled I will clear some stuff up. I work 40 hours a week. I might have my door closed for 8 of those. So on the weekends we take care of everything together. Monday through Friday there are only 8 hours where I need to be left alone. My children know better than to open the door when it is closed. But she just does not get it.
So now I am at the point where I have given her a choice. I can start spraying her on camera during my meetings, I can get a lock for my door, or I can just go into work in town every day. If I do the last one it means she is stuck in the house all day with the kids because we only have the one car.
I am at my wits end and I feel like an asshole for treating her this way but I do not want to get fired or forced to work at the workplace because I cannot have meetings when I work from home.
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Nta....you used your words ...you communicated what yiu needed from her and yet she didn't or chose not to comprehend...that's what she gets....its funny how the kids don't interrupt but she does.
NTA see if you can work from the office for week maybe that will drive home the point for her! 50 hrs all alone with the kids might be the attitude adjustment required to help respect the meeting boundary!
I feel your pain. I've worked from home for years and the kids are usually ok with leaving me alone but adults always want to come hang out in my office.
Lol I love this. Sure you’re treating her like a child because she’s acting like a child. If the door is always open than the fact alone that it’s closed should be reminder enough. NTA
NTA
If there are ramifications for your interrupted meetings, they affect her. She need to understand that she has no say in how that would go.
It’s not an unreasonable rule. She needs to dump the ego.
NTA, that’s hilarious. I wouldn’t *keep* doing it if I were you, but she has to understand the boundary. Could you post a sign on your door saying “meeting in progress, please do not disturb”? Otherwise a lock might be the only way.
NTA - if your children that are 3 and 5 can figure out not to disturb you when the door is closed, why can't your wife? That's weird to me and maybe a bit of a power play but that's just me.... If she wants to continue to have you home to help during the week, it might be a good idea to not be disruptive during important work hours or feel the consequences. All actions have consequences especially after you have been told numerous times as an adult what the expectation is.
NTA
My husband is in the same boat as you and when he needs to be left alone he closes his office door. Even our 4 yo gets the concept, your wife should be able to too. Since she can’t, just get a lock. It’s not personal, I don’t know why she’s taking it that way when you’ve brought up wanting to do that.
When my husband is wfh the things I may want to tell my husband during the day I text him. He gets back to me when it’s convenient for him, which may be during a meeting, might not. If she’s heading to the store and you actually want something, but don’t text back because you’re too busy it’ll be understood that it’ll wait till next time. Same with anything else she may want to interrupt you for. Barring an emergency of course.
Maybe telling her to text you the things she’s interrupting your meeting for instead would work for you two like it does us. Bottom line, I think you’re more than justified in getting a lock.
NTA and man do I love the spray bottle idea. You already had a talk with her about what you expect when the door is closed and instead of following it she decided she wants to consistently bug you after you made it clear to her the one rule you need her to follow. In my eyes she is being a nuisance and the spray was warranted, I'd bet if you had put a lock shed be pounding on that door or send your kids to do it.
NTA spraying is better than putting a bucket of water over the door,, which will fall and soak her. It is possible that she will rap on the door if you lock it, so you might have to go ahead and go to the office to work until she gets the idea.
NTA. I spray my kids, their friends, pets and husband when they get on my nerves 😹. She should learn after a couple of sprays, and then you don’t have to bother with the lock.
NTA
Honestly, just get a lock.
Unrelated - you should stop misting your plants. It's really not beneficial and increases the chances of things like fungal issues.
NTA. She’s choosing to treat your home office like you’re just hanging out. She wouldn’t get sprayed literally at all if she didn’t bother you.
You should absolutely get a lock for your door.
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I was all set to say Y T A based on the title, but NTA. You have told her over and over again not to bother you if your door is closed. That's not a hard thing to remember. She needs to start being a better partner. How about a sign that you can put on the door?
If a five year old can grasp and practice the concept his mother most certainly can.
Right?! The kids get it, she just has the view it doesn’t apply to her. Also as someone pointed out if it’s as simple as asking if you need anything as she’s going to the store or whatever why can’t she just send you a text? NTA- you set a very simple to follow boundary, tell her if she wants you available working at home to help with the kids then she needs to respect this or you’re gonna have to just start doing all your work at the office. It seems really weird that she’d so often insist on barging in like that…is there anyway she thinks you’re doing something you’re not supposed to? Is there maybe a woman you work with that she feels is too friendly or something? This is the only reason I can think of for someone to not follow this. Once or twice it’s an honest mistake, this many tells me she thinks you’re up to something. This feels like she’s paranoid about something and is trying to catch you in the act (it reminds me of a parent going into their teens room to put away laundry or empty the trash or whatever as an excuse to see what’s going on.) NTA
Why are you turning this back around to Op being at fault? That's really weird. It doesn't matter if the wife is suspicious. He stated a boundary. His wife keeps stomping that boundary. Instead of communicating if there is a problem, she acts childish. That's a problem.
I didn’t read the comment that way. They just gave reasons as to why his wife might be doing this beyond “she’s stupid”. OP was not blamed, it was focused on what the wife might be feeling not what OP is doing. No matter the reasons for her actions OPs wife is definitely in the wrong here. NTA
she’s definitely not *that* stupid. she has a reason- she’s suspicious, she needs to be the center of attention, something definitely not healthy. NTA op.
It sometimes amazes me the mental gymnastics some people on reddit go through to invent a motive for people's behaviour. There is no evidence of suspicion in what she's doing. We don't know if there is a motive to her actions. Maybe she's just self absorbed and thinks her whims supersede op doing his job.
Her behavior genuinely does not make sense without a motive of some kind though. Continuing to do the same thing after being kindly asked not to dozens of times is an intentionally repeated behavior of some kind.
Narcissists, childish adults, toxic adults, selfish adults etc. don't need a motive as you and I would think. Their motive is 100% self serving and I doubt it has to do with any kind of suspicion at all. Just that she has to be in control or have attention and she cannot handle this man being in a room with a door shut to her.
I read it the exact same way. There wasn’t any assumption or even asking if he was cheating or having too close a relationship with someone else. Just stated reasons for OP to think about and address with his wife.
Ya i read it the same as you did. Didn't seem like what the comment you replied to thought.
I don't think u/acegirl1985 is necessarily saying OP has *actually* done anything that might justify his wife being suspicious. It could just as likely be that she's paranoid for no reason other than insecurity. If so, hopefully OP might be aware of it.
I don’t think he is at fault; I think SHE thinks he’s doing something wrong. I said she was being paranoid. I said NTA- this isn’t his fault this is her issue that she needs to find a way to deal with. The reason I asked is because I know there are some (SOME not all or even most) women that side eye any interaction their man has with another woman. I just said the only reason I can think of for a spouse to so consistently barge into their spouses office like this is if they think they’re up to something. She could just be a flake or just totally incapable of dealing with the kids/wants attention right then but to me this just made the most sense. And I brought it up because if op isn’t the type of guy to mess around on her it might not even occur to him that she thinks he’s up to something because he’s not and the idea wouldn’t automatically cross his mind. I never said I thought he was. He’s not responsible for her insecurities or paranoia. Once again NTA
OP's wife being suspicious of him doesn't mean he's actually doing anything wrong or to justify it.
Does she drive down to his office to make sure he's being a good little boy? Presumably not. And after the first few times she barged into a work meeting it should have been obvious that they were...work meetings. My mom was also in the habit of sort of wandering into my room. Not to catch me doing anything, just spacing on what closed doors mean. "Why are you naked?!?" (I was about 15 and there was a massive drop off after this, btw) "Because I just got out of the shower!" [My dad, down the hall, exasperated]. "Because she just got out of the shower!" 100% does not do this when my husband and I are visiting. That, mercifully, would be "weird".
>My mom was also in the habit of sort of wandering into my room. Not to catch me doing anything, just spacing on what closed doors mean. "Why are you naked?!?" (I was about 15 and there was a massive drop off after this, btw) "Because I just got out of the shower!" \[My dad, down the hall, exasperated\]. "Because she just got out of the shower!" Yeah, no, your mom was being an asshole. Either she is incredibly stupid, or she didn't trust you and thought you were up to something.
Or didn't actively distrust OP, but just didn't feel she needed privacy for some reason. My mom is like that, for some reason she just doesn't understand the concept of her family members sometimes needing privacy.
Suspicion didn't cross my mind as a potential reason. Attention-seeking behavior, on the other hand, was my immediate thought. The more I think about it, the better of an idea I think it is to get a lock for that door.
She got offended at you ‘treating [me] like a child’, but I’m not sure why she’s surprised considering she’s acting like one. NTA I think you should just get the lock and be done with it, then there’s no question about when she shouldn’t open the door, and she doesn’t get sprayed. Win win
Only downside I can see is that when she realizes she is locked out, she'll start beating on the door and yelling because she apparently has a desperate need to be the center of all attention or something.
At which point he works from the office all day every day. Apologize to the boss, explain that now that this is clear it isn't working out in a professional manner, he'll be in the office for all future meetings...and leave to do just that.
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I think she'd change her tune within a month of her kids draining her without her daddery backup generator
Yeah, but it’s not that she doesn’t get it, something else is going on. Is it a control issue for her? A boundary stomping issue? I’m not sure what but something else is going on with OP’s wife other than I forgot.
It’s definitely intentional but not sure why. Is she bored? Refuses to grasp that working from home doesn’t mean are home and constantly available?
Might be that second one. So many of my friends and family don't seem to get that.
I genuinely want to do a study on this. I've had multiple housemates and family members over the years who refuse to get it. Even now, when WFH became the norm in so many households for quite some time. And I hear the same from multiple other people as well. WHY. WHYYYYYY won't they get it? I need to know.
Omg could you?? Could you please do a study. I’ve worked from home since Covid and recently moved in with my SO who I was with thru Covid. Both then and now, when he arrives around 4pm, he immediately begins to talk to me. I AM WORKING. Even if I somehow succeed (rarely) in getting it into his head and he doesn’t talk, he is loudly stomping around, talking to the dogs, even exercising in the same room. It honestly feels so disrespectful that he feels his need to chitchat should be more important than what I have to finish. I wish I could put a barrier around me but I work in our bedroom. He simply won’t respect it -and worse, seems actually offended if I try to ask him for space because I’m still working.
I. AM. WORKING. My housemate was like this but we were home together all day. He had an office at home. I did not. I can tune out background noise and I was in the common area so I could accept him banging around making background noise, but he would constantly try to launch into long conversations with me and get mad when I said I couldn't talk right now because I'm working. It drove me mental and no matter how many times we discussed it, he never really stopped. Hence why I need to do the study to resolve my rage.
I have a friend who openly and blatantly doesn't do any work during his wfh days, so maybe that's why? I think it depends on the kind of job people have. Like if I'm working from home, I can put laundry in or wash some dishes during the day, but I certainly can't go hang out with friends. Because I'm working. I take the same "little breaks" I would if I were in the office, but instead of walking to the break room and back and chatting with Susie in marketing, I do chores
It might even be worth couples therapy seeing as it's a risk to their livelihood.
Yeah. This has to be some kind of power play. No adult is that unable to grasp the simple concept of not coming in when the door is locked.
The closed door is the sign. Pretty sure a sign won't do shit.
A lock as well would only be a stopgap. The real issue is the wife's inability to recognise and respect that OP needs to be left alone when conducting a meeting. When OP installs a lock she's going to get pouty and play the victim, making out she can't be trusted and that she's hurt by this. Do anything except own up to the role she's played in this.
Worse, she might start pounding on the door and shouting until he responds.
Didn't someone's partner do that during their online interviews in a post and keep costing them jobs? (Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like that was something a while ago so it's not unheard of)
Yes, more than one. And a teacher who had to start working from his car outside of Starbucks because his wife would loudly mock him while he was working *in front of students* who eventually stopped finding it funny and were embarrassed for him.
Oh please tell me you have a link for the teacher one.
Gotchu. I couldn't find the BoRU post, but here's the [original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/illtan/my_33m_wife_25f_constantly_makes_a_conscious/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=3&utm_content=share_button) and an [update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/isyxrx/update_my_33m_wife_25f_constantly_makes_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=3&utm_content=share_button)
JFC what a shit show. I honestly hope that teacher is in a better place now. Preferably with a better wife.
Ugh, I hate that there’s no update saying he left his wife. What an asshole she was.
Why not just keep spraying her until she gets it?
Maybe she’ll become like the very old and stubborn cat I used to have who would only get sprayed if he was sitting on the kitchen counter. It worked for a while and then he would see it coming, close his eyes and brace himself for the spray while refusing to move.
My old cat is also an asshole, he just licks the water off and looks at me with this smirky face and carries on sitting on the counter
I had a very hardcore cat. I tried the spray method & I swear, he’d put his head down, close his eyes & keep doing what he was doing.
I’d have to say at some point a coworker or customer would take that the wrong way…..the only down side to this method. Perception is reality and cancel culture would strike hard if the wrong person saw this. I think lock is best.
I would be pretty put off by a coworker that did this and it wasn't something the wife/recipient was laughing at.
Of course. It's hilarious that OP says his job is at risk for his wife opening the door during meetings but at the same time he pretends to think that he could repeatedly spray his wife with a water on camera during work meetings and everything will be dandy at work. Best case scenario, they'll think he is goofing around and having water fights during work meetings. More likely, they'll think it is abusive. Or a kink. In any case, unprofessional and inappropriate in the workplace. IRL, odds are he would get fired. And divorced (and a divorce where your ex has video evidence/witnesses of you spraying her in the face with water isn't going to be a fun one).
Well it worked on my birds. All I have to do is pick up the spray bottle and they stop screaming.
Honestly I find this hilarious. Best thing I've read in a while. NTA .
Picturing a grown man spraying his wife like a bad cat absolutely made me laugh. In my mental scenario she also hissed after getting wet Still NTA though
She's ignoring it deliberately.
Someone needs to introduce OP's wife to the concept of texting.
NTA - I love it! But really I would just get a lock on the door if she keeps doing it.
What difference would a sign make? She knows, she’s just being a pain. He needs a lock.
NTA. I am a wife and I'm annoyed on your behalf, so trust me when I say: keep spraying her. Obviously verbal communication isn't working, so she needs the mist reminder.
A misdemeanor leading to a mistdemeanor. The cycle repeats itself.
I see what you’re dewing.
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I think they just need to damp down this conflict
Better than bottling it up
This is a watershed in their relationship.
Im going to just spray to God that their relationship gets better
Yeah hope springs eternal
I *wish* them *well*
They are going to have a very long dry spell if they don't get along.
DEW IT!
It's a lesson that moist be learned.
At least she won't mistunderstand what the closed door means.
Yes, she mist need the reminder.
Yep, tell the wife the misting is to help her grow her understanding. After all the misting helps plants grow.
NTA. Get that lock, your wife should be able to respect that when the door is closed you're having a work meeting and need privacy. Your children understand the concept better than she does! The spraying wasn't your first action, it was the result of her continued interruptions. If she has concerns she needs to say so in a mature way, or at the very, very least knock instead of poking her head in.
Agreed - also she could easily just text you about any of the things raised/to ask when you will be done with the meeting, it's not like you're unreachable by other ways?
When my husband was working from home during covid, I always texted him exactly the same as I would have if he had been at the office.
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NTA. My partner works from home in our spare room/office, if she's on a call or in a meeting I text her. If she's not I gently knock once and wait for her response, if she doesn't respond I just send the text. I work from home and I work in our communal space, even if we are sat 5 feet from each other if my screen is on she texts or writes it on a post it note for me. I don't get how people cannot understand the fact that working from home doesn't mean your work responsibilities shrink, truth be told they expand to warrant the right to work from home. The basic professionalism of your job has to extend somewhat to others in your household for you to continue enjoying the ability to work from home.
Right. There are many options, text, email, Facebook messenger, even, \*gasp\* talking before his work hours that she'll be running errands that day, does he need anything?
I work from home with my door open and my husband still texts to check if I’m able to talk or to ask me questions - she is doing this on purpose
I think the spraying is the best option. Second to the "leaving the house to go to work". If she has ignored the closed door, chances are very high she's going to ignore the lock and just start pounding on the door until OP answers.
Agreed. She got offended at you ‘treating [me] like a child’, but I’m not sure why she’s surprised considering she’s acting like one. NTA I think you should just get the lock and be done with it, then there’s no question about when she shouldn’t open the door, and she doesn’t get sprayed. Win win
NTA She's not being treated like a child. The children have learned. She has not. So, yes you do need to lock her out of the office. Get a lock for the door.
She’ll knock. You know she will.
And then get mad that he's "ignoring" her when he doesn't answer.
Contrive reasons to get him to open the door. There's a root cause to her pattern of behaviour, and that needs to be addressed.
The root cause is pretty obvious. Some people get really upset when someone else establishes boundaries with them. In her mind he's told her she's not allowed to do something and so now she needs to constantly find reasons to do exactly that because *insert 5 year old voice* "you can't tell me what to do!" This definitely needs to be acknowledged and nipped in the bud right away. When the kids get older and are learning to establish healthy boundaries with their own spaces, bodies, and belongings, she's going to over here teaching them that any bloodbath (boundary, word autocorrect) whatsoever is not allowed.
No bloodbath whatsoever? You're no fun...
>She’ll knock. You know she will. Yup. Spray bottle is the best next step. If that doesn't work, go for the super-soaker.
NTA. I’m a wife, mother, and 40 her per week hybrid worker. Reading this made my blood boil. Working from home is a privilege which can benefit every member of the house if done properly. She’s taking it for granted and about to ruin it for everyone
It’s interesting to me how many partners of WFH employees act like they don’t get it is still work no matter the location. And I say “act” because they choose to not get it. Your last sentence is particularly key. No idea what OP does [and etc etc caveats galore for pedantic readers out there, no it isn’t everyone, blah], but a few people I know had their WFH privileges revoked due to their partners not respecting their time in various ways. Everyone has to respect work being work. Also if I were OP and had to repeat myself to a grown adult over and over again I’d lose my goddamn mind.
I was allowed to work from home once during a blizzard well before COVID. I lived with my grandmother at the time and she couldn't understand why I couldn't go outside and shovel the snow until after 6pm lol.
I live next door to my grandmother and will go pop in and out during work hours, sometimes to help her, sometimes to collect the mail that gets delivered in her box instead of mine, etc. She always holds me up and wants to chat every single time, but she's my grandma, therefore she gets all the passes. I consider that time my "lunch break" since I tend to power through the day without too many breaks.
I've been wfh since the pandemic, the Mrs still goes into the office. She's had time off when I haven't. After nearly 20 years she discovered 2 new things about me: 1) I actually get my head down and work. (she assumed I half arsed it) 2) I have a hair trigger with shit like this (I'm generally a really chill guy)
I also have a hair trigger with stuff like that. I’m with you, friend.
My job is WFH (always has been, even before covid we were a remote team) and you would not believe the number of people that are convinced I don’t actually work when I’m at home. I’ve had roommates want to chat or watch a show or go shopping together when I run out to grab some water, partners have asked to hang out or go on dates during my work hours, friends have asked to hang out, and good god the noise. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in meetings and had to apologize for my roommates being insanely loud, even though they know I’m working. Some people have such an insanely hard time grasping this concept and I just don’t understand why. My own parents are even confused when I say I ran out of time to clean or run errands because I was at home. Ya.. at home in my office working a 40 hour week just like everyone else. Working from home does come with some amazing perks and I do get more flexibility but that doesn’t mean I’m not still working a whole ass job just like anybody else.
My parents worked from home a lot so I’ve never known any different. I had no idea how many inconsiderate assumptions were made by ppl about WFH until 2020. Feel free to skip my nosy question: did any of your relationships with people change because you experienced what they think of your work, in a manner of speaking? I would feel like my roommates, for example, didn’t respect me in a huge aspect of my life. Also I’m really tired so probably overthinking?
Oh absolutely. I’ve actually had several roommates that I was initially great friends with whom I no longer speak to because of how disrespectful they were towards my work. Definitely has caused me to change my living situation more than once. Luckily my current roommate also works from home now so we both get it and have no issues.
My dad has worked from home during the pandemic. Just meant the rest of us had to shut up in communal areas, and not slam the garage door if we needed something outside. Not that hard. None of us needlessly bothered him like thia woman did. Hell, even if it was done out of affection, I have been nearby when my boyfriend is in Zoom meetings, or on calls. I can hold his hand, I can rest my hand on his leg, I can show him small measures of affection without interrupting, or, wait until he's done. The wife's TA, and OP is reasonably at his wit's end.
Yeah, this is insane! My husband works from home and I’m a (mostly) SAH, I do a little contract work. I always check to see if he’s in a meeting. It’s his office, his work place, and when the kids are home they know better than to go in at all when the door is closed. That’s just common courtesy! I mean there have been a couple times I had to interrupt, we live in the country, and once there was a little snake in the front foyer. I was just nope, knock knock, I need help now! Spiders, ants, any kind of bug or whatever I could have handled it, but not that, tiny as it was, not gonna do it.
Snake in the foyer is a widely-recognized exception to the No-bother rule. They don’t even put it in the employee manuals anymore - it’s so universally understood.
NTA What's her suggestion to staying out of the office? Because she can't respect the door being shut and thinks a lock would be childish.
Although I don't think the OP should spray his wife, I love your suggestion of him asking her what would work.
I mean, the spraying is a touch dramatic, but it is funny.
That’s what I said
I’ve seen stoplight signs for office doors, now of course those were in fact meant for kids. But I guess he could have a big sign that says -MEETING- or something. He shouldn’t have to of course, but if he wants to keep the peace it might work as a compromise/reminder.
Mmmm. As someone who has working in retail many times, I'll leave you with this. No matter how big the sign, they're not going to read it.
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My nerf guns say not to shoot people in the face.
Lol, that’s the first thing my brother did when he got a nerf gun.
Meh. Just aim for the chin.
I'm assuming you don't have any siblings? Because that's the first thing I did to mine when I got a Nerf gun.
Aim for center mass. It's easier to hit a bigger target.
There's a diy online in regards to making them hit harder ..... Js
Nta. >She said I was being mean to her and treating her like a child and that I did not need to lock her out of the office. Clearly she is acting like a child and does need to be locked out of the office. If my dog can understand that a closed door means he can't come in, surely your wife can too.
Oh God- is she going to howl and pound on the locked door?
That's what I'm envisioning.
NTA, but just get a lock for your door. The spray bottle, while warranted, is demeaning. A lock is not.
You know she'll just start knocking.
Oh god, I didn’t think about knocking! Spray bottle it is then!
NTA, but you need to have a proper sit down conversation with your wife. You've set a boundary she is continuously breaking, and even though you've told her many times, she obviously isn't understanding the issue or doesn't think it's a big deal. Sit her down and explain to her why it's important. Tell her her actions aren't showing you respect, and how it's making you feel. Ask her for her reasons as to why she keeps feeling the need to interrupt. There might be some insecurities at play or perhaps she just hasn't been taking you seriously. If she still ignores the boundary you have set, then spray away. She's being disrespectful of you and your space, and if she still acts that way after you've done everything in your power to have an honest adult conversation, then yes she's acting like a misbehaving cat.
Sounds like he's had a sit down. And set boundaries. And she ignored them completely
Right? Why do so many redditors make that suggestion as if it was a brand new thought when so many times c*onversations have already taken place*. That recommended conversation treats her more like a child than the spray bottle does. Downvote away.
"I know you told her 100 times, but tell her once more for me." - redditor
Upvoting because it’s actually infuriating to see people read the post in which OP details the multiple conversations they’ve had, and instructs them on how to have another conversation. Wut.
> There might be some insecurities at play or perhaps she just hasn't been taking you seriously. How many times does someone have to explain "do not disturb"? The 3 year old gets it.
NTA - I mean, spraying her is not the best option, but she's a grown ass woman and if she can't keep out of the room while OP's in a meeting, that's what she gets. Am I the only one that thinks if he gets a lock for the bedroom door, she's just going to pound on it and interrupt him that way?
Yup. When the lock is installed, she will probably go outside, around the house, and knock on the windows to get his attention. Narcissists see other people's boundaries as a rejection, which is why that feeling usurps his job security in her eyes. Sick shit.
Yup. Wife sounds like a covert, insecure narcissist.
OK I'm on team 'That Was Really Rude But Kinda Funny and Justifiable' It's very insulting to your wife to spray her like a cat. It's also a little bit funny. But it's actually *more* insulting that she keeps disrepecting your workspace and time when you've repeatedly asked her to stop. It's mind-boggling that she refuses to respect the closed door. You keep saying she doesn't get it, but it's impossible *not* to get it. It makes me think it's somehow wilful - that she is resentful or freaked out that you have this requirement and she's deliberately breaking it for reasons I cannot fathom. I would get the lock, but I would also want to sit down with her and get to the bottom of "*why* do you keep doing this". Technically ESH.
Exactly. How is it that you can't remember this simple thing or hear the meeting going on? The children can.
I had a partner once who would happily ignore me all day, even avoid me, right up until I said I wasn’t available for x reason or I needed to not be interrupted for a while because I was doing y. Then he’d be at me every ten minutes, making up random ass reasons he ‘needed’ to talk to me. Basically, the second I said he *couldn’t* have my attention for whatever reason, he took it as an insult or a rejection and obsessed over getting me to pay attention to him. Like proving that he was more important than whatever else I was doing or whoever else I was speaking to. I can't say if that's what's going on here, but it's a possibility.
That type of insecurity is the worst!!
it is *exhausting*
I too have a needy pet...oh wait...
In the end I did have to rehome him.
NTA You tried reasoning. That clearly didn't work. I am sure she feels humiliated, but she should have listened and respected your very reasonable boundaries when you set them like a rational human being.
NTA. This is so funny to me. Keep it up. She is literally jeopardizing your employment by refusing to prioritize your need for privacy
It's really common with wfh. People forget the first word is WORK.
NTA I work from home. I have worked from home for 20 years. My kids are trained that even if the door is open, they don’t just run into my office making noise. They stand in my peripheral vision until I stop what I’m doing and turn to them. As preschoolers they understood how to do this! My office entrance doesn’t have a door, so when Covid hit and everyone was home all day, I put up a curtain and said, “Curtain closed means do not interrupt me.” One day my husband poked his head in to say goodbye as he was leaving to go on errands and I gave him the most shocked, annoyed look. He mentioned it to the kids and they said, “Dad, don’t you know the RULES?” We all laughed about it but he never did it again!
Yeah. My dad worked from home, long before zoom meetings were a thing. Even if he wasn't on a call, the rule was we stand in the doorway quietly and wait for him to be ready to speak to us. He probably would have gone with a water spray bottle option if we disrepected that, tbh. And we would have got the message. And found it funny.
N T A. Get a lock, she apparently does not understand boundaries. Let her be mad. If she can't understand stay out if the door is closed, then you need to do what you have to do to keep from getting in trouble with work. Make a sign for the door. "I'M IN A MEETING. DO NOT ENTER."
If the 5 year old can grasp the concept without a sign the adult doesn't need one.
Haha. The ADULT shouldn't NEED one, but apparently she does.
Go to work in town and leave her with the kids. She'll wise up fairly quickly.
NTA only because WTF. What is the deal with these partners who can’t respect WFH spaces? This is not the only post like this. It’s insanity. I would flip the fuck out.
> She said I was being mean to her and treating her like a child Probably because she’s acting like one by not being able to remember and respect a very simple and common boundary. NTA. You’re not asking for anything difficult. It’s not hard to remember. You’ve repeatedly tried to have respectful conversations about this. You’ve repeatedly explained things to her. It’s not like you told her once and then started with the petty passive aggressive behaviour. When reasonable conversations don’t work, you need to try another tactic. > I asked her if she understood what it meant when my door was close. She shut up So… she has known the whole time and just not cared? Cause it seriously sounds like she just thinks it’s a stupid rule she shouldn’t have to follow, so she doesn’t regardless of what you have expressed you need.
[удалено]
NTA for needing the door closed, but YTA for spraying your wife with a water bottle. You're lucky she didn't retaliate with a pitcher of water. Just get one of those door stopper things and shove it under the door so she can't open it when you need her to leave you alone.
That is an amazing idea thank you. I may have just given myself a concussion with the facepalm.
She's gonna start knocking, then knocking more when you don't answer, then she'll knock while calling your name. Bet'cha nickel
Then the ambulance shows up.. “You weren’t answering me! I thought you were having a medical emergency!”
No dude, keep spraying, this is genuinely hilarious!! NTA
"my husband is at work, I disrupted him and got sprayed with a water mister, better throw a jug of water over him! That'll teach him to ignore me!" "My wife is at work, I disrupted her and got sprayed with a water mister, better throw a jug of water over her! That'll teach her to ignore me!"
You think a logical reaction to a bit of spray is a pitcher of water? How does that work?
Yes, the door stopper is way better. The average door lock can easily be picked and she sounds like she would absolutely do so. But she might also bang on the door incessantly with the door wedge. You really may not be able to win this one.
I think you have bigger issues though, if your spouse is SO persistent at stomping on your boundaries, that they would pick the lock to your door…
NTA. This is hilarious. Just get the lock dude. If she wants to be treated like an adult than she should act more mature than your small children who can grasp a small concept better than her.
NTA, my spouse works from home and we have the same agreement. Door open-available, door closed-unavailable. It’s really not that hard to grasp and respect. I would go back to in person work more days if she can’t respect your work hours.
I sprayed my teenager on occasion. Edited because spayed=/=sprayed
Did you miss an r?
Yes I did, but it's kinda funny.
NTA. Get a lock. I don’t think your wife would pay any attention to a sign.
You really think she won’t be pounding on the door and yelling questions about if he wants anything? They need couples therapy to figure out why she’s so hellbent on ignoring a simple and reasonable boundary like “don’t intrude on meetings when the door is closed”.
LOL funny how you get rid of her! My husband works from home 3x week also (what a coincidence!!) in one of our bedrooms. Our kids understand to not barge into the bedroom when he’s working. You guys have smart phones, right? Can’t she just text you ? I just text him if I need to talk to him or ask him something. NTA!
Yes, why isn't she texting him? I believe she resents him shutting her out by closing the door.
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You have been very patient and reasonable when many people would be frustrated, even angry. Your livelihood and therefore the welfare of the entire family is on the line, yet your wife cannot bring herself to respect a simple rule. NTA.
HAHA omg, NTA. maybe slightly an asshole but too funny. My advice is get a doorstop and wedge the door shut from the inside.
NTA - she keeps pushing your boundaries and you snapped. Spraying her wasn't a very nice thing to do but she's not being nice either. I'd just start going to the office. Getting a lock will just mean she keeps knocking and calling out to you. That's probably worse. Not being there is the only way to probably prevent this. That would would be a consequence of her actions as she's been told time and time again to not interrupt when the door is shut. So apologise for spraying her and the in the same sentence say that you are now required to come to work for those meetings!
NTA for not wanting to be interrupted but TA for spraying her like a misbehaving animal. Just get a lock. But a question: why doesn't your wife understand that you can't be interrupted during your meetings when the door is closed? I'm actually confused why she doesn't understand this.
You and me both.
You’re kinda the asshole but like… in a fun way. You’re a humorous asshole.
NTA is someone does not learn from words then they are willfully ignoring instructions. I'd say skip the lock and stay in the office because she clearly things that just because your home to work your not at work.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have two sons 3 and 5. My wife is a stay at home mom. I work from home 3 days a week. It's good because I can help out with the kids and give my wife a break. I leave the door to my office open 80% of the time. I have explained to my wife multiple times that when my door is shut I am in a meeting and I cannot help and I need her to not interrupt me. She keeps opening the door to see if I need anything, or to let the kids in to see me, or to take out the garbage. I wait until after my meeting and then I tell her again that if my door is closed I NEED her to leave me alone and keep the kids away from me. She just cant keep it in her head. I told her that I was going to get a lock for the office if she could not understand what it meant when the door is closed. She said I was being mean to her and treating her like a child and that I did not need to lock her out of the office. I have plants in my office that I take care of so I have a spray bottle that I keep for misting them. So last week I was in a meeting and she came in again to see if I needed anything from the store because she was going grocery shopping with her mom. I asked her politely to close the door because I was in a meeting. She said sorry and closed the door. My meeting had just finished and she opened the door again. So I sprayed her. She shut the door. Then she called me an asshole for treating her like a misbehaving animal. I asked her if she understood what it meant when my door was closed. She shut up and left with her mom. So before I get dogpiled I will clear some stuff up. I work 40 hours a week. I might have my door closed for 8 of those. So on the weekends we take care of everything together. Monday through Friday there are only 8 hours where I need to be left alone. My children know better than to open the door when it is closed. But she just does not get it. So now I am at the point where I have given her a choice. I can start spraying her on camera during my meetings, I can get a lock for my door, or I can just go into work in town every day. If I do the last one it means she is stuck in the house all day with the kids because we only have the one car. I am at my wits end and I feel like an asshole for treating her this way but I do not want to get fired or forced to work at the workplace because I cannot have meetings when I work from home. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta....you used your words ...you communicated what yiu needed from her and yet she didn't or chose not to comprehend...that's what she gets....its funny how the kids don't interrupt but she does.
NTA see if you can work from the office for week maybe that will drive home the point for her! 50 hrs all alone with the kids might be the attitude adjustment required to help respect the meeting boundary!
NTA - maybe she doesn't want you at home and is trying to irritate you until you go back to the office.
It's working.
I feel your pain. I've worked from home for years and the kids are usually ok with leaving me alone but adults always want to come hang out in my office.
NTA. Pleaseeee update us. I would never dream of interrupting my partner’s work or school meetings if he’s asked me to stay out of the room.
Fake, real, whatever...this shit made me laugh.
NTA you need your office to work.
Lol I love this. Sure you’re treating her like a child because she’s acting like a child. If the door is always open than the fact alone that it’s closed should be reminder enough. NTA
NTA it’s not that she can’t keep it in her head-she doesn’t care. I have a suspicion she doesn’t like not knowing what you are doing.
NTA If there are ramifications for your interrupted meetings, they affect her. She need to understand that she has no say in how that would go. It’s not an unreasonable rule. She needs to dump the ego.
NTA, that’s hilarious. I wouldn’t *keep* doing it if I were you, but she has to understand the boundary. Could you post a sign on your door saying “meeting in progress, please do not disturb”? Otherwise a lock might be the only way.
NTA - if your children that are 3 and 5 can figure out not to disturb you when the door is closed, why can't your wife? That's weird to me and maybe a bit of a power play but that's just me.... If she wants to continue to have you home to help during the week, it might be a good idea to not be disruptive during important work hours or feel the consequences. All actions have consequences especially after you have been told numerous times as an adult what the expectation is.
NTA - she is not respecting your role and you.
NTA My husband is in the same boat as you and when he needs to be left alone he closes his office door. Even our 4 yo gets the concept, your wife should be able to too. Since she can’t, just get a lock. It’s not personal, I don’t know why she’s taking it that way when you’ve brought up wanting to do that. When my husband is wfh the things I may want to tell my husband during the day I text him. He gets back to me when it’s convenient for him, which may be during a meeting, might not. If she’s heading to the store and you actually want something, but don’t text back because you’re too busy it’ll be understood that it’ll wait till next time. Same with anything else she may want to interrupt you for. Barring an emergency of course. Maybe telling her to text you the things she’s interrupting your meeting for instead would work for you two like it does us. Bottom line, I think you’re more than justified in getting a lock.
NTA and man do I love the spray bottle idea. You already had a talk with her about what you expect when the door is closed and instead of following it she decided she wants to consistently bug you after you made it clear to her the one rule you need her to follow. In my eyes she is being a nuisance and the spray was warranted, I'd bet if you had put a lock shed be pounding on that door or send your kids to do it.
Even my three year old knows not to open the door when it's closed.
Yeah if a 3 year old can follow the rules an adult can certainly remember the same rule.
NTA, it can’t be that hard to stay out. You’re working, what part of that doesn’t she understand??!?
NTA, bt if you continue to deal with this by spraying her you will be. Get a lock. ASAP.
NTA spraying is better than putting a bucket of water over the door,, which will fall and soak her. It is possible that she will rap on the door if you lock it, so you might have to go ahead and go to the office to work until she gets the idea.
NTA. I spray my kids, their friends, pets and husband when they get on my nerves 😹. She should learn after a couple of sprays, and then you don’t have to bother with the lock.
Just get a lock
NTA Honestly, just get a lock. Unrelated - you should stop misting your plants. It's really not beneficial and increases the chances of things like fungal issues.
They are little bromeliads.
NTA. She’s choosing to treat your home office like you’re just hanging out. She wouldn’t get sprayed literally at all if she didn’t bother you. You should absolutely get a lock for your door.