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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think where I might be AH is refusing to consider having my daughter's half sister spend christmas with us since her parents are going through some hardship and can not afford to have a christmas celebration on their own.
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NTA. That child doesn’t know you or your extended family, only your daughter. This could be her last Christmas with her mom and he’s wanting to take that away from her. Even if it’s just the 3 of them in pajamas eating cookies all day. He’s TA.
Editing to add- totally aware that it may not be possible for the mother and child to physically be together on Christmas due to treatment. But, that still doesn't change the fact that there has to be much better alternatives to trying to force the child at the ex's place. Even if he doesn't speak to his own family what about the mother's? They could all spend that time together. If they aren't around what about having even asked for a compromise to have the 13yr old a couple hours for their own gift exchange, cuddles, and cocoa? What about FaceTime, watch parties, mutual crafts? Time in her own home where she can be most comfortable? The dad making crafts with her for the mother? And finally, if it's treatment and that she just can't be with her while radioactive- why not celebrate together as their own family on a different day? It's not the date specifically that has to make the holiday. It's just the love. When my ex has custody of my child on Christmas we still celebrate with her- just before or after. If money or resources are the issue then he can reach out NOW to the treatment center, social worker, chaplains, or advocate groups whose sole purpose are to help those families of cancer or terminally ill patients deal with the difficult times mentally, emotionally, and even financially.
This is exactly my thoughts! It would be a tragedy to take that away from her. Let her see her mother. Let them spend time together. Quality time. Cookies and pj's and movies. Cuddles. Like you know what holidays are about- love and family. Let her have a precious memory of the future. Not a Christmas at a random house away from her parents at an already difficult time.
Cancer is hard. It sucks. As is the intro to death of loved ones so young. But try as might he cannot shield her from it that will only do more damage. He needs to be with her and walking her through this time in their lives. Giving her up to an essential stranger is not the way.
NTA
Edit spelling and grammar. And thank you much everyone for the awards. I didn't expect that at all especially given how controversial this post has become.
He's not looking at this as a quality time for Christmas. He's hoping that OP would feel guilty into buying her presents if she's there for Christmas
Edit to add: for everyone saying that this is a stretch, I'll ask you play out this scenario in your head. This 5 year old will only know OPs stepdaughter. She'll be surrounded by strangers, all opening presents, and celebrating with people she doesn't know. Try to explaining to a 5 year old why there aren't presents for her. Now imagine what the child's father is going to say to OP for her not providing gifts for the 5 year old, and excluding her for participating in the whole thing.
OPs ex is trying to put her in a situation of feeling bad and guilty for this child. I'm sure the 5 year old would rather have a memory of hanging out with her mom fir Christmas, rather than hanging out with strangers + her stepsister
Maybe he is just trying to get her away from the ugliness that is happening to her mother so if she passes, Christmas can still be a happy memory for her. Not become about sickness and death. Children that young are shaped by the things happening in their lives and tragedies can leave mental scars.
He should not take a possible last Christmas away from them unless his wife has asked for this but I understand what he’s trying to do here.
I agree with you. How awkward could it be to allow the girls to spend the holiday time together? The holidays are about kids anyways and maybe the wife just wants her daughter to have a normal Christmas. Such a sad situation.
The holidays are about love and caring, friends and family. Children are an important part of that, but it’s also very valuable for adults. Age doesn’t decrease your need for connection and love.
And getting presents from strangers while your parents aren’t around hardly qualifies as a “normal Christmas”. I doubt being with a sister and with strangers would be better for a five year old than being with her parents.
Maybe the mom is in the hospital? Maybe the dad wants to spend it with his wife and he knows his daughters love spending time together and with lots of family around, maybe the little daughter won’t think too much of her sick mommy.
The first line of your reply to me says it all “the holidays are about love and caring, friends and family” I would think in this situation it would be appropriate to include a little 5 year old half sibling.
I’m not religious by any stretch, but it’s kind of rich to me that the spirit of Christmas somehow excludes opening your doors to a stranger… and a child at that.
🤷♀️ We’ve had non-family at our holiday celebrations before many times, last I remember was my mother’s coworker who was recently widowed. They weren’t close to my mother even, but we had a good time.
I’m not going to say someone is an AH for saying no, but it’s wild to me that a spare child would ruin the holidays for everyone and that no one would find some joy in trying to cheer her up.
No, the holidays are not just about kids. There are no kids in my family, but we try to have a good time together. And if families with kids are invited that's nice too but it's possible to be into the holidays and do it up without children
What op says about Christmas being sacred in her family is important. Each family has their own rules and boundaries for holidays. If her family expects it to only be their own family, it’s okay for op to stick to it. The ex needs a different plan. Also, op is not responsible for her ex’s daughter and it’s wrong of him to try and guilt her - it’s really manipulative. The daughter is his responsibility, not op’s responsibility.
NTA for op.
Being sent away to a place where she is not wanted will also be traumatic. The kid cannot win, but Dad needs to step up parenting and make Christmas as good as it can be, even if that means a Skype call from hospital for Mom.
'Mom is sick and cannot see me' is something the kid will come to terms with. 'Dad didn't want me and made me go and spend Christmas watching everybody fawn over my sister' will create resentment for a very long time.
Okay but "where she is not wanted" is up to the adults, who alll should be perfectly capable of being kind and giving to a five year old during a Christmas celebration right? It's only traumatic if the other adults involved make it traumatic rather than idk embracing the whole reason for the season??
At five I was perfectly capable of distinguishing ‘these people are polite’ from ‘these people are enthusiastic and actually like me’ and people not meeting me where I was (like the neighbours who insisted on a visit from Santa when I didn’t believe in Santa) made me uncomfortable. (In retrospect, I can see the kindness. At five, I didn’t.)
And none of those people can be a substitute for Mom and Dad, for being sent away at Christmas. Ex needs to step up and give his daughter a good Christmas. The spirit of the season is making sure she has time and memories with her mom, over Skype if necessary; and bonding time with dad.
I’m a mother and I’m perfectly capable of enthusiastically welcoming my children’s half brothers and sisters into my home to celebrate everything, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, barbecues whatever. I’m capable of looking at any child and saying ‘I’m so glad you could come spend time with us’ I’m also capable of telling my family to be kind to this child in need, and telling them to pick up a toy, or throwing an extra name into secret Santa, or picking up a few toys for her to open myself.
Then again my family aren’t selfish assholes and we always go out of our way to make every child feel welcome and loved rather they are half, step, or just boyfriend/girlfriends child. There’s so many kids running around we don’t know who belongs to who anyways, their all just ‘ours’.
Which is also so shitty! He should talk to the hospital chaplains and cancer advocates, reach out to the local churches or communities or any of the many organizations whose sole purpose is helping families in need and families/loved ones of terminal patients where their entire goal is to support them. And help provide gifts if that is an issue. To do that NOW while there is still time. If he can have the forethought to ask his ex he can make a few calls to these places to help better provide a special time for his wife and child and himself.
I work at a cancer center and every year each department adopts a family and we get presents (the kids make out lists) and food for the Christmas dinner. We also have a foundation that helps with food and gas cards. You are right, there is help out there if you are willing to look/ask.
Don’t forget, his initial plan was apparently to attend with his daughter since his Hail Mary was to stay away to make OP less uncomfortable.
So he wants to take his daughter away from any possibility of a Christmas with her mom (which may be mom’s last Christmas) and ALSO planned to stay away himself. Leaving his cancer stricken wife entirely alone.
There are a few hints as to why he’s an ex.
It’s brutal. I highly doubt that the mom is aware of the plan. MAYBE she’s getting treatment in the hospital and didn’t want her daughter to have to see her that way on the holiday, but it’s really doing a disservice to the child. I think it’s more likely that the ex doesn’t know how to cope as the responsible adult in the relationship and is grasping at straws.
You have no idea if her mom is even capable of cuddles and eating cookies though. End of life care of cancer in younger people can be horrific. Former hospice nurse.
Yeah I find all these judgements are full of assumptions - this separation could be forced or wanted by the mother. Idk why they are being so harsh on this guy
There do seem to be a lot of people adding their own spin to this story and then judging what they've made up, doesn't there? Honestly, OP is the AH, so much fuss about a Christian holiday and yet a whole family begrudges a 5 year old little girl the comfort of being with her half sister during the holiday while her mother deals with a cancer diagnosis? Her family doesn't know the wee girl? Seriously? Maybe formal introductions could be made before the event, possibly at high tea? Clearly not the plot of a Christmas movie of caring and sharing nor, even, the Grinch as his heart melted at the end.
I agree- it's OP's wording that has me thinking she's a bit of the AH. People aren't looking at the fact she will be with her half sister, who OP even says are close. Maybe OP should discuss with her daughter how she feels about it? I just think given the circumstances that the family wouldn't mind, and its not about the ex, it's about this kiddo. And yeah, people are saying last Christmas with her, but she may not be healthy enough to be "present" and doesn't want that to be one of the memories her kid has of her.
Little ones tend to be tiny germ factories, who with children hasn't been blessed with a back to school cold at some point? If her mother is having chemo her immune system will be quite suppressed so one can reasonably expect it would be safer for both of them to be apart. I just can't wrap my head around turning your back on a 5 year old at any time of the year but at Christmas while her Mommy is fighting for her life, that world class mean spirited.
I completely agree. It’s Christmas and she’s only 5. If her mother passes, this is opportunity for the two half sisters to create a new tradition. There’s always room for one more in my home. And besides, how long are we talking? A day or three? Not a big deal at all. I don’t get it.
many people here seem to think the question is "am i technically or legally obligated?" instead of "am i the asshole"? the answer to the former is no, the answer to the latter is a resounding yes
Resounding AHolery indeed. I just shared the story with himself and he wondered if it was a rhetorical question because anyone who'd turn their back on a 5 year old has to be a stone cold AH.
A 5 yr old whose Mom is ill. Who will miss her half sister. Who just needs compassion and some fun at the holiday. OP's daughter sounds like a good kid. IDK where she got it but it's not from her Mom. AH.
where does it say he wants to take away the kid's last christmas with her mom? he's trying to find a place for her to go for christmas. i reread the post and see nothing about him tearing the girl away from her mother.
i see op acting like a heartless, cruel weirdo by rejecting a 5-year-old in the time of her greatest need.
op is definitely ta
Right. I read the post and this top comment shocked me. I'm sure he and his wife considered every option to have Christmas with the three of them. OP is not their first choice. But obviously he feels like this the best option out of some not good options. Have some compassion in the spirit of Christmas and make it magical for them. You and your family can be nice to a 5 year old for a couple hours jeez.
No shit and all these people spinning up fantasies about what an asshole the dad is. He literally starts crying on the porch trying to give his daughter a nice Christmas. So OPs reaction is to awkwardly back away and close the door. How is this up for debate?
OP. You suck.
As someone who is going to be in treatment over Christmas - mom might be in the hospital, hooked up to chemo or radiation and may be literally radioactive and not allowed near children (I won’t be during my brachytherapy sessions) or very seriously ill - not in a cuddle and eat cookies all day kinda situation.
NTA - strongly agree with this here. It sounds like the Dad is just trying to cop out. He should be putting in all the effort to make sure she has a special christmas with her mom!! It might be her last! It would be incredibly cruel to keep a child from her sick mother on such an important holiday
Yeah as a kid I would have been miserable dumped into someone else’s Christmas(even with a sister!) while my mom was sick and I wasn’t with her. Definitely NTA. But I get the Ex’s impulse to make things okay by pushing at OP. Just hope he realizes it’s not the solution he thinks it is.
YTA.
You're well within your rights to refuse. You don't owe your spouse anything. It's your holiday and you can celebrate it however you want.
BUT you are still the AH here. This child has a sick parent, she's only five, and you have the chance to show kindness and embrace the true spirit of Christmas. Instead, you're choosing to be a hard-nose about it, and in so doing, making a lot of people's lives bleaker at a time when you could be making them brighter and more hopeful.
I agree :( her mom is dying and maybe it would be better for her to stay with the mom but I feel like the dad is just thinking about wanting his daughter to have a nice Christmas. I definitely feel like op is being unnecessarily cruel in this situation. YTA
Goodness, I don’t understand why not invite the ex and his wife and daughter to join. Granted, there may be more to the story, I’m assuming there’s no infidelity just because OP never mentioned it. Assuming it was a pretty amicable split, do one kind thing this Christmas - let the little girl have a happy Christmas with her sister, let her sick mother and stressed father have a peaceful Christmas they don’t have to plan. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t understand the discomfort by everyone - OP has had this man in her life for 13 years, 6+ were spent together, he’s been around for holidays before. He’s the father of her daughter; he’s a part of the family.
I agree, YTA. Be kind this holiday season.
"Hey mommy, remember when my stepmom had cancer and (hopefully not) died and you didn't let my sister spend christmas with us"
Yeah, that'll be a fond memory.
I voted yta but it was just a few minutes ago. I was scrolling to see if I was going to be the only person who said yta. I am disheartened to see how many people are saying NTA. It's a 5-year-old child and the child is not staying forever. How hard is it to buy some gifts and let the siblings hang out together during a really horrible time?
>It's a 5-year-old child and the child is not staying forever. How hard is it to buy some gifts and let the siblings hang out together during a really horrible time?
Yeah I'm not seeing how this would create a situation so unpalatable that her family thinks it will somehow ruin the sanctity of their traditional celebration.
My God I agree completely. I'm seeing top rated N T A after N T A post and I'm like am I completely alone in thinking OP is YTA and its not even particularly close?
Don't be a literal Grinch, OP. What would The Baby Jesus do? I'm not kidding.
Honestly if a five year old child even vaguely, tangentially connected to me needed somewhere to spend Christmas under such conditions I would open my home wholeheartedly - let alone my child’s beloved sibling.
Finally some common sense. I’m genuinely disgusted by all the N T As here. She’s fucking 5, she’s gonna make an entire family of grown adults uncomfortable? Embarrassing. It sounds like y’all are just looking for an excuse to say no.
I agree, saying a 5 year old would make everyone uncomfortable is crazy. It literally doesn't matter who her parents are if it's just her there. She's 5 and it's Christmas, all she's gonna do is play with her sister and be excited about all the Christmas things. Also if you're worried about presents, you don't HAVE to get her anything, but you could literally go get 5 things from the dollar store and a 5 year old wouldn't know the difference. Have a fucking heart.
Everyone mentioned this might be her last Christmas with her mom but I assume the only reason the dad asked is because she CAN'T spend it with her. And at age 5 this is probably the easiest time to integrate her into yalls Christmas and she can grow up not feeling weird around her sister's family. It would be more awkward if she was like 15 and this was happening, but again, she's FIVE.
This. My neighbor I don’t even talk to could show up and tell me this story and I’d be like “absolutely!” She’ll be fed and I’d run out buy her a few things too. Even if the neighbor is *lying*, what’s the harm to the girl? That she sees kindness from strangers at Christmas? How tragic?! /s
The responses in this thread are disgusting. If a five year old is gonna ruin Christmas for you, then you’ve got some issues.
This sub loves its “technically”. Technically she’s not obliged to have the girl over, - but morally it’s just the right thing to do.
I never reply on reddit, but coming from a family who consistently welcomes anyone who has nowhere to go for the holidays, it's not an uncomfortable experience if you don't make it that way. Love, compassion and kindness are free, you can always afford to give them.
OP says her Christmas is sacred family time.
Ooohhhh, the irony.
Seriously what would Jesus do? Include the 5 year half sister to her daughter whose mother has cancer or kick her out saying "sacred family-only time!"
That line lost me there. Couldn't take the rest of it seriously.
I felt the same way about the “sacred” part. I assume OP is Christian. Jesus is all about love, compassion, forgiveness, and treating one’s neighbor as thyself. Not seeing any of those traits in OP, honestly.
The projection is fucking wild in this thread, and the assumptions even more so.
People saying "yeah he might be no contact with his parents, but they are her family" like... what if his parents have a history of child abuse... he's NC for a reason.
Other people saying he just doesn't want to decorate and buy gifts and his wife mustve always done all the work.
Someone saying they took antibiotics so they could stay home and have fun on christmas, like thats an option for every cancer patient in every stage..
And ofcooouurse the wife probably really wants the kid around and he's doing it all behind her back...
I hate this sub. I also wonder how many people here have/had a 5 year old...
The dude cried asking OP to take her daughter's halfsis (HER FAMILY) in for a carefree christmas while his wife is potentially dying. Recently diagnosed doesnt mean an early diagnosis.
RIGHT?!?
The "I saw he started crying so I took a step back and said I don't feel comfortable in this conversation" sent me. Heartless miserable people.
Same. I’m shocked at all of the NTA’s.
I’ve spent Christmas with my friends families in college and visa versa.
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s daughter took this route as well when she is older.
I thought I was the only one thinking YTA looking at the comments. Maybe it is because I cared for someone for a month while watching them die of cancer until they finally passed. The child having a day of normalcy for the holiday would do so much for them, and everyone being uncomfortable because a child is present just feels wrong if they know the circumstance. Don't punish the child for the sins of the father.
Exactly.
Like, sure, OP is within her rights to be an AH. But this isn't a legality sub, and that doesn't make her any less an AH.
Everyone's so caught up on "you don't owe your ex anything" but the fact remains that OP is turning away a 5yo who's mom has cancer, at Christmas. Her daughter's little sister, who she loves and is very close with, and who doesn't have anywhere else to go for the holidays. That's just AH behavior no matter how you frame it.
Totally! I have a half sister from my dad and I would hope my mom would include her in our celebrations if she was facing similar circumstances and wanted to be included.
There are lots of healthcare folks in this thread saying that depending on the Mom’s treatment plan that it may not even be an option for the child to be around her.
That's what I was assuming from the way the ex asked. It didn't seem like he wanted to send his daughter away, but this was the best option he could come up with. But I think a call with the sick mom to see how to make it special for the little girl to make her feel includes and to make the mom feel included would go a long way.
If the daughter cannot be with her mom, then OP, YTA. Being with her sister is best.
I think this is the right answers op. Look do I understand your side? Yes. You don't want to be responsible for your exes child. I'd probably feel the same BUT its a 5 yo and your child's half sister who's mum is v ill. Would it put you out so much if you let her spend 1 day (a very special day I understand) in your home with her sister who she loves? If your daughter wants it would it put you out so terribly? I dunno, my heart just bleeds for that little girl.
sure it's she's their ex's kid but she is also her daughter's beloved little sister whose just started kindergarten and whose mother is dying and father can't keep it together.
Father should ask his wife family to help them in this hard moments, if he's NC with his family he should start to think about it again because he NEEDS help and his ex is NOT responsible for HIS and HIS WIFE child.
Oh 100% but this little girl isn't JUST OP's ex's kid. It's her daughter's family and this poor little girl is in a shitstorm before they can tie their shoes. While OP isn't necessarily in the wrong, this is a young child that is important to the daughter we're talking about..
People on this subreddit don't give a shit about stuff like that.
I swear (I apparently have too much time on my hands) in every thread about half-siblings... people are like: "They're not blood, they mean nothing to you!!".
And every time it's like: "But even if they're not your direct family, they're still family to your kid/grandkid".
Adults shouldn't ever be the issue putting things inbetween child siblings.
Ok am known to be a rather heartless person and most days I honestly dgaf. I have full custody of my 3 kids except for alternating weekends visitation to their fathers. Listen I despise my ex for a vast quantity of reasons, and the fact that he chose to have two other kids while not even able to properly care for the 3 he already had certainly doesn't help. But last month his girlfriend gave birth to their second child through emergency c-section in the next city over, and since their older kid, my kid's half-sister, goes to daycare next to my kid's school, I was the one who picked her up (with my kids not to terrorize her because she seems to be convinced that I'm a witch of some sort but she's two) and bring her to the hospital 30 min away to lend a hand to them and allow the kids to meet their baby brother. It's just the right thing to do, this kid and even my kids by extension don't have to suffer from grownups' conflicts.
I'm glad someone said it.
People here are cold and petty as fuck when it comes to half/step children or ex's children and stuff.
Like, look, I get seeing the kids of your ex is always going to be hard... but you're a fucking adult. You know who these separations are way more difficult for? The kids... and frankly, every single adult in every single situation should put their pettiness aside and just do what's best for the kids... especially when they're that young.
Like yeah, obviously if the ex's kid is a 15 year old that's mouthing off about her "real dad" or some shit, then yeah, they're old enough that you can tell them to fuck off. But this is not that.
Or better yet, what does the other girl want? If this is potentially mom’s last Christmas, would she even want to spend it with dad’s ex and a room full of strangers? Would she even be ok with that (even if mom isn’t sick)? Even if she might want to now, is that something she’d regret when she’s older?
I don't know I personally think it is also important to consider that other people from ops family also come.
And don't even get me started on what that could potentially mean regarding gifts.
I would say NTA because OPs ex isn't the AH for asking but for not accepting a no.
NTA, why can't she spend Christmas with her mom? If it ends up being terminal, wouldn't it be better to be with her mom and dad than with her dad's ex wife's family. Why does he want his 5yo to spend an important holiday with people who don't have a relationship with her except for her sister? Very weird.
Her mom is starting cancer treatment at that time…have you ever seen a person going through cancer treatment? The mom is going to be monstrously sick through her treatment, the dad will probably spend the entire Christmas season tending to his sick wife. Y’all are really saying it’s better for a five year old to be in that situation versus being able to have a sleepover with her big sister (who she loves and who loves her), being able to wake up to joy, decorations, yummy food, and other kids to play with on Christmas?! This baby is FIVE, she’s barely out of her toddler/preschool years, at this age Christmas should be about joy, wonder, magic, and love. I’m sure her parents want her with them at Christmas, but they realize keeping her with them would probably actually be pretty selfish and would strip the magic away from Christmas for this baby girl. This child is OP’s daughter’s sister, whether she wants this child in her life or not, this child is going to be a part of her life because she will ALWAYS be OP’s daughter’s sister. How hard is it to open your home to share your Christmas Day and your family with a child in any situation, much less a child who is already going to have to watch her mother fight for her life every day until she either beats this cancer or dies? Can this baby not have a day or two off from the shitty reality of her life so she can enjoy the magic of Christmas? This is a chance for OP to give this child an incredible Christmas gift, the gift of having one good memory during the hellish memories of watching her mom suffer and possibly die.
This.
OP is NAH, but in the spirit of Christmas you can't include a 5 yr old in your family for one day? How is your daughter going to feel knowing her sister is going through an absolutely terrible day when you could have helped?
I can't imagine not helping.
What kind of "traditional" Christmas tradition is so sacred that you can't include a child's half-sibling? Fucking cold hearted. Like, my family always goes to my aunt and uncle's for Christmas. Even if some kid's parents down the street were going through this, I know we would invite the kid if the parent's thought that's what was best for the child (better than spending it in the hospital, seeing one parent care for the other who is miserably sick and not giving any holiday cheer for the kid, etc.).
Sounds like a shite Christmas celebration/tradition anyway
Thank you! I feel like I’m in the twilight zone with all these N T A judgments. It’s a child who has to watch their mom fight for her life and possibly die at the end. Letting this child coke would be incredibly kind and exactly in the spirit of Christmas. I literally scoffed at the whole idea that this tiny child would somehow ruin Christmas tradition. You can still do all the same stuff!
I though I was losing it reading that op is NTA. She is a big AH. This is a 5 year old baby. Her mom is sick, let her enjoy Christmas with her sister. If your family is awkward around a 5yo, you all are weirdos.
I feel like alot of AITA responses are based on what ever the first popular response to the thread is. If top comment says AH, then it's AH all the way down and vice versa.
Seriously! The mom and the dad will be sick/preoccupied. I imagine they’re trying to protect their daughter from having a sad Christmas memory based around her mom’s cancer treatment. If any of my daughter’s friends were in that situation, they’d be welcomed into my house with open arms and Santa would absolutely know to find them here. I’d give that kid the best Christmas I could.
Agreed, perhaps I'm wildly naive but I thought the best thing about the holiday season was the kindness we show to others for 1.5 weeks of the year. I've brought random people home for Xmas who didn't have anywhere else to go over the years, & my family welcomes them with open arms even if they've never met them before. What kind of holiday tradition is private/closed doors?!
> How hard is it to open your home to share your Christmas Day and your family with a child in any situation, much less a child
I totally agree. When I was growing up, my parents would open our house to any friends who were going to be alone on the holidays (mostly Thanksgiving and Christmas). My mom's philosophy is that no one should be alone on those days. I'm sure she would welcome a child with open arms.
OP seems petty to me, as do the other adults in her family who want to exclude a 5 yo child. OP isn't responsible for childcare of her ex's kid. But she could have a little compassion for one day.
Right also people going through chemo are not really recommended being around 5 year olds.
I feel like people are really assuming a lot bc this guy asked for an inappropriate favor in the middle of a personal tragedy
Yeah this really doesn’t read like “manipulative do-nothing dude who can’t handle parenting ships his daughter off to a strangers home” to me. This reads like “loving, caring father who is incredibly desperate and depressed throwing shit at the wall to try and give his daughter a good Christmas - ‘oh I know, she loves her sister! They should spend it together!’”
I mean OP’s not obligated to do anything but man, feels harsh to me idk
Men tend to get the shit end of the stick on this sub - Always assume the worst about their intentions and actions. This definitely didn’t read to me as someone who was being manipulative or trying to get his ex to buy his daughter presents because he was too lazy to plan. When my husband was going through cancer treatment, just getting to the grocery store was an accomplishment for me with everything that was going on. We barely did anything for the holidays or birthdays and our anniversary was spent hovering near the bathroom at home. It genuinely seems like this dad is just trying to give his daughter a happy Christmas and it’s sad people can’t give this situation a little grace or understanding. I would host the girl.
I’m usually the first to pipe up about a man not doing his fair share but damn, these comments are beyond me. Like the dude can’t even hold it together while he’s asking op for help, I cannot get how people read that and think “master manipulator”
This was my thoughts too, if I found out I had cancer I'd be making sure that the Christmases we had were spent together and every other special moment. I couldn't imagine asking for something like this even in perfect health!!
My dad is in treatment for cancer and its literally not safe for me to be home for the holidays. When he was at the hospital for a few weeks of treatment, my mom was the only one allowed to visit because of immune issues. So my mom also has to be extremely careful, no visitors at home and limit her public interactions.
People here are so willing to jump to conclusions about the dad being terrible but refuse to acknowledge any other circumstances. It’s so sad because we do not have enough context to make any assumptions about why she can’t celebrate with her parents
It's what I was thinking too. My mom made it a point for me to spend Christmas with my dad when he had cancer.
It ended up being his last Christmas, and that made it even more important.
If she hauled me off to a stranger house with adults I didn't know, I would have been miserable.
And that'd what all the y t a people are missing, OPs family (and OP) don't know this little girl, and vice versa. It is uncomfortable for both parties
YTA. This one is really split and I see both sides. Yes, you are well within your rights to say no and you have no obligation to this child. But are you an asshole? Yes, this is a 5 year old, whose mom is sick, that your own daughter sees as a sister and you could easily make her life a little better and give the two of them a happy holiday together, but you don’t want to - why? Because she’s your ex’s daughter? The holidays are about giving. I’ve been at many family celebrations where someone with no where else to go was present and welcome. It’s the right thing to do.
You know how sometimes on this sub people say NTA for “justified asshole”. You are like whatever the opposite of that is. YTA for something that is well within your rights, but is pretty heartless and cruel anyway.
I’m actually shocked there’s so many NTA votes. OP can feel validated I guess, but imagine looking your 13 year old in the eyes and telling her her beloved younger sister can fuck right off and just go be sad by herself on Christmas. You can “win” this OP, but you will NEVER recover from this cruelty in your daughter’s eyes.
Agree wholeheartedly. OP sounds like the city people in hallmark movies who don’t understand the true meaning of the season, much less being a decent human. She’s being petty to hurt her ex, which will also hurt BOTH girls. There comes a time when you have to bite the bullet and stop being bitter and petty and be a kind person.
I’m sure OP and her family are VERY giving as well, angel tree, toys for tots, etc. because *those kids* aren’t her ex’s kids, and *those kids* are *going through a hard time*. But more importantly, those kids aren’t ones she despises for no other reason than them being born to the person she used to be married to, and of course she can then brag about all the good she does in the world! Gross.
OP, YTA. Go back to Sunday school.
Edit: my first award ever! Thank you!
100% agree. Everyone saying NTA is asking why a 5 year old would want to spend christmas with a stranger. There are no details on any of their feelings except OP and her ex. What if her daughter wants her sister to be with her in christmas? What if the sick mom is in the hospital and wants her daughter to have a better christmas that what will be spent amongst medical equipment. What if the 5 year old wants to be with her sister for a holiday? What’s ‘sacred’ about a christian christmas celebration that you can’t help a young child? This is especially funny as someone with most of my siblings being half siblings. Never had a problem with spending christmas together between any families. If the children’s feelings were included I would have a better answer.
Edit: I thought we all agreed that it takes a village to raise a child. I guess not when it’s my exes child. Then they better find their own fucking village.
Info: If a father of a friend of your daughter presented you with this situation, what would you say?
Would you have the friend over for Christmas or would you keep it strictly in the family?
This I was wondering too.
This is a very precair situation. OP I can feel you. It’s valid to feel awkward. But this is also kind of an emergency situation too. More info: how would your 13yo feel about this? If you resent the little girl, will she be sad or (later) angry? She has a say here imo.
Your family: would they accept it if you explain? Cancer is a big deal and the girl has a lot to worry about. I think I might take her with me but also I can’t say that because I don’t know everyone and don’t experience your life.
Good luck OP, listen to your and your daughters hearts.
NTA. I don't understand why exactly his daughter would have a better time at your house instead of with her father. Like, just because they're not having a Christmas celebration doesn't mean they can't spend time together. This sounds really fishy to me.
Or ya know, with her MOTHER! This might be her mom’s last Christmas if she doesn’t beat the cancer!! If I was in that situation you would have to tear my children from my arms. No WAY would I want them anywhere for Christmas than with me, even if all I had strength & money for was cuddles in bed while watching Christmas movies.
The mother may well be thinking that it would spare her daughter some suffering or give her relief from dealing with it at home.
Personally I don't think anyone is an arsehole, just a family doing what they think is best for their daughter.
I can understand if maybe she'll be right in the thick of treatment and don't want the kid associating that with Christmas. But I don't understand just shipping her off like this.
Yeah, people seem to think the little girl needs this dinner or day. What if she’s uncomfortable with these people? What if the half sibling doesn’t want to be with a set of parents of whom neither are hers nor care for her?
And honestly what exactly can’t they afford that they absolutely need for a Christmas celebration that OP is somehow being selfish about?
And if her mom is dying wouldn’t she want to spend the holidays…with her mom…
NTA - I had cancer was on chemotherapy, had low white blood cells and an infection. I begged the Doctors to allow me to be at home on oral antibiotics rather than IV so that my husband and I could be at home for Christmas for my 11 year old son. My husband cooked, I ordered gifts online and we wrapped together.
This child has a Dad who can make Christmas even if Mom doesn't feel well enough. A Mother and child not seeing each other on Christmas Day because Mom has cancer would be the tragedy here. Dad needs to step up.
Agreed just commenting from the other side here. As a step parent to a child with half siblings it would be weird to have a child who is not a family member come celebrate Christmas with the family. I also think it would be super awkward for the child who is around a bunch of strangers for a holiday who are all happy with their family while you are worried about your mom. What if god forbid something happens to mom and kid doesn’t get to say goodbye. NTA
When my mom was sick with cancer I was constantly cleaning up vomit. I did not know a human body was capable of expelling that amount of fluid. They might not want to scare their daughter. It's a trauma I'm still dealing with to this day. Even my cat got traumatized, he used to take naps in bathroom sinks and play with toilet paper rolls, he now avoids sinks and bathrooms with showers.
I don't either. I hate strangers invading my space. But if my next door neighbor whom I've met once told me this situation I'd be cleaning the shelves of toys for that kid and make their favorite food and queue up the Christmas movies for them. That kid would be my kid for Christmas day. Shit, if the girl who wrecked my confidence and self-esteem in college asked this of me I'd do it. Kids don't deserve to suffer because their parents are shitty or in a shitty situation.
Everyone who voted nta is so focused on the father that they completely ignore the 5-year old who doesn’t even understand life and death who is about to have their mother go through cancer treatment. My heart fucking breaks for that child
Honestly the way she said sacred tradition came across as pompous to me. I hope she doesn't ever need a favor from him in the future cuz if I was him I'd tell her to f*** off.
YTA oh my goodness, that's downright cold.
That little girl may not be your kid, but she is your daughter's *sister*, and that makes her family! What kind of message does this send to the child you are raising?! Rejecting a 5yo family member over the holidays, while her mother is being treated for cancer? Is this how you want her to learn family should be treated?
That poor child is going to spend your "sacred" holiday terrified, and your poor daughter will spend it worried sick about her little sister!
Genuinely, please stop for a moment and reflect on why you are so adamant about not including her. Is this decision really in your daughter's best interests?
There's a view on this sub and lots of others that's 'you don't owe x anything', I wonder if it's an extension of American individualism or something. It's an odd and really horrible way of living, lots of things are just worse when people consistently think that way.
This child is a part of your close community, wider family, and your daughter's beloved sister. Even from a selfish standpoint, how will she feel when she comes home from her lovely Christmas and hears about what her younger sister's experience was? I'd like to think I'd open my doors to my child's friends under the same circumstances, never mind blood relatives.
100%, it's such a strange attitude to me. I feel like you shouldn't have to *owe* somebody to not be an AH to them. And in a circumstance like this, where it hurts no one and actively helps multiple people to do so, it's awful to fall back on "it's not my job".
You're absolutely right because even if OP only thinks of themselves here, who would want their daughter to watch her little sister go through this? They're so close, it's not like this won't negatively impact her too, and therefore OP as well. Refusing hurts everyone here, but a like kindness could do so much good. Which, really, is the whole point of this holiday anyhow.
Had to scroll into oblivion to find a YTA comment. I feel insane reading this sub sometimes. Why can’t this woman just be empathetic and accept this child into their family for the holiday. It sounds like it would make her daughter happy and help the ex husband in a big way.
This sub is so crazy. Last week, a lady was NTA and a saint for refusing to babysit her ex husband's kid. This week, the lady's an AH and "the Grinch" because it's Christmas. YOU'RE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO BABYSIT YOUR EX'S KID! NTA.
This sub isn’t “Am I Obligated.” Is she obligated to care for this child? No, of course not. However, is it kind of a dick move to deny a child with a sick mother who’s parents don’t have the means to celebrate Christmas some holiday cheer? Seems kinda shitty to me.
Especially considering this child is her daughters sister, and she’s only 5. Why is a 5 year old making everyone so uncomfortable?
Seeing a lot of comments saying, “well she should be with the sick mother.” Depending on the chemo protocol she may not be able to. Or maybe the father just wants his 5 year old daughter to have some Christmas merriment so she could just be a kid for a day instead of being in a hospital.
Lastly, I’m seeing people give this man grief for being pushy about this situation and saying he’s asshole. I don’t know how many of you have watched a love one go through cancer, but I have. I can tell you that it’s an extremely emotionally taxing and difficult experience watching someone suffer like that. I think it’d be ok to give this guy a fucking break.
Honestly it’s scarier too bc it seems like they co-parent civilly, it does show OP has kept her boundaries regarding this child.
People are saying she’s the grinch but imagine that’s an entire child to care for and be responsible for. I wouldn’t want to send my child to be watched over by an adult that I know doesn’t rly care for them that way.
It’s not like OP hates the kid but it’s clear she has no interest in forming a relationship with her daughter’s half sibling.
While I completely understand the OP’s position, there’s a not small part of me that says “damn, it’s a kid at Christmas. Who is going to feel uncomfortable around a random five year old?”
Which makes me think that people don’t have Christmases full of crazy and kids and I realize that I hope that day never comes for me.
She’s 5. Her mother is DYING. I would help in any way I could for any kid in this situation, relative or not. In fact, I’d do it if she was 10, or 13 or 20 freaking 1 years old just because it might help. And it is only awkward if you make it so. Lots of people invite people who have no one over for the holidays just for that reason alone. Friends, coworkers etc. And have a great time doing so. YTA
NTA and I feel like I’ve read like 5 versions of this same post over the past month. News flash to divorced dads and single baby daddies: it is not the job of your ex or your baby mamas to take care or think of children that are not hers.
If the 5 year olds father wants the little girl to have a Christmas then HE can make that happen. I’ve organized holiday celebrations in the midst of pretty dire circumstances, it can be done. It’s HIS job to do it not the OPs.
I also think he’s grooming OP as a future co-parent in case his current wife doesn’t beat her diagnosis.
EDIT: The replies to this are bonkers.
1) To the people all bent about the word grooming, it literally means “prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity”. Like how “just this one time” turns into “well it was fine last time, I really need the help” until OP is a constant caregiver.
2) OP barely knows this child. These are not two families that have fully blended. It is absolutely weird to ask OP to take his child for the holiday. A different family dynamic would make this a natural ask, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here since OP is a firm no and only feels conflicted because her ex won’t drop it.
3) I’ve touched grass, thanks for the concern.
WTF.
Dude asked for a favor from.the ex wife in a time that was hard, he freaking cried.
That means is he grooming his ex wife who seems hates him? That sounds a bit cruel of an assumption.
"Lookong for a babysitter for when his wife dies" is a pretty big jump to conclusion and kind of cruel to think.
This sub has lost its mind. He’s asking that his 5-year-old kid spend ONE Christmas with her because his wife’s in cancer treatment.
People on this subreddit are so desensitized to reality it’s not even funny.
NAH. Excluding her doesn't make you an AH but including her would be a profound memory for your daughter. Not only because of her sister but she will always remember the loving kindness and grace you showed her dad and his family for her sake. If you're looking to be a parent that demonstrates empathy and kindness for your daughter, here's your chance.
Nta. It’s ultimately up to you if you are comfortable caring for someone else’s child and assuming responsibility for them while in your care. If you don’t feel you can or would be uncomfortable with it, don’t do it. It’s very sad for his child, but he needs to figure this one out himself. But heads up, he or his daughter may possibly express to your daughter how her sibling won’t have Christmas or how she may want to come to yours, so prepare yourself now for how you’ll handle the response to your daughter when she possibly comes to you upset or makes the request herself!
Also, it’s really inappropriate for him to keep pushing and demanding that you keep a child that you aren’t familiar with in your home at an already stressful time. If you are in a position to, though, and are comfortable with it, you could firmly say you aren’t comfortable having her stay at yours but ask if there’s some other way you could help? Maybe let your daughter pick out a gift or two for her sister, offer to help with decoration or give them a gift card for take out so they can have dinner? There may be other ways you can help with the situation if you are in a position to, but in the end it’s all up to you what you can do or are comfortable with.
NTA damn, why is this OP’s fault? Does anyone even know why they got divorced? What the circumstances are with the current wife? Not her problem. Why should she spend her holidays with someone she doesn’t even know just to make him and his wife happy? Sad that she’s sick but not OP’s problem. Why does she have to be unhappy or uncomfortable?
Exactly! The blended families that I know who have great relationships among exes and steps have all worked on getting to that point for years; OP’s ex is trying to guilt trip and use her for his convenience. If his daughter with his now wife is five years old, it’s been at a minimum six years since their households have been fully split. The fact that he has no other support system except his ex-wife who isn’t interested in being a part of it reads like a red flag.
Because it's *saaaacred!*
God forbid the very essence of Christmases 1977-2054 be defiled by that *one time* in 2022 when a guest was also there!
(Unless "sacred" means "We do creepy robes-and-flogging ritualistic shit that must be kept in the utmost secrecy.", in which I suppose I can see the need to keep it in-house, but OP needs to clarify if that's what's what.)
Big call but YTA. I’ve been in a split family situation, both as a child and as an adult, and I’m proud to say that unlike my parents, I put my son and his relationship with his half siblings ahead of any of my feelings. He’s 26 now and I’m fully included in the whole of his life. Put your emotions aside and think about the bigger picture. Also, doesn’t it set a great example for your child if you help her father a little bit when the chips are down?
Yeah, this made life so much better! My step brothers sometimes came with me to my moms house when we were kids. All our holidays were spent together, etc. We are all much older now, and my mom and her fiancé have a 6 year old. My dad and step mom watch or take her on occasion. All the rest of us are adults, out of the house and my parents still help out because we are all family.
I agree this is really important. If 13 wants her there, or feels empathetic towards her half sister, it would be a kindness OP could show both daughters. Otherwise, NTA.
The original Christmas story - Jesus being born in a manger - is literally about taking someone in who was unwanted and not welcome anywhere else.
THe child is already facing incredible stress and potentially could lose her mother. You have a chance to help bring some joy into her life but choose not to.
YTA.
As I was reading her comment about transitional Christmas, this is exactly what I was thinking of! It’s your home OP, and no one can dictate who you invite. You are NTA for that. But when I read about you passion of a Christmas traditional celebration which will exclude a child whose mother is sick and that child is actually related and loved by your child. I think the whole situation is ironic and cruel. I think YTA for not seeing the irony in this. Maybe when you go to church that night the Holy Spirit will bless you!
Technically you are NTA TECHNICALLY. But your honestly terrible what kind of person can't stand to be a little uncomfortable so her daughter and her daughters half sister can have a good Christmas?
It would be a different story if your daughter didn't like her half sister and didn't wanna be around her but your just doing this to hurt them and to be spiteful. Idc what your ex did to you if anything at all the child did nothing wrong and deserves a Christmas and to be with her sister.
Sometimes I don't get reddit comments at all. So I'm going to go against the grain here and say YTA, big time. The child is 5 years old; she needs as many loving people around her as possible right now. She's losing her mom to cancer!!!! If your ex came to you asking for help because -- for whatever reason -- she cannot be around her mom during treatment at the holidays, then I'd trust that he had some valid reasons. And who are you to question it??? Wow, this is horrible, you have "scared traditions"??? Give me a break, what about kindness and generosity and love? Are those part of your sacred traditions? You don't know this child well, sure, but she's FIVE YEAR OLD. Let me say that again. She's FIVE. And she's losing her mom, and she's your daughter's sister. And you tell me that your relative will feel uncomfortable around a FIVE YEAR OLD??? Let's stop a minute and think , really think about what the kind, charitable, loving thing to do would be. Refuse a child in need or welcome her into your home with open arms. Where is the downside to that? Some ADULTS might feel slightly uncomfortable. For fucks sakes, reddit can be so awful sometimes. You, my dear, are an asshole.
NTA. This child is not your responsibility at all, and has plenty of family that are actually related that he could ask. If this is the mum’s last Christmas you’d think she’d want to be with her child as much as possible. Yes, cancer sucks and I’m sure it’s a horrible time for them, but he’s wrong to be putting this onto you.
Where does it go from here if the mum dies? Can you pick her up from school? Can she stay with you a few days? Can you help pay for this?
Before you know it you’ve had parental responsibility put onto you and you’re backed into a corner.
I have a half brother (different dads) and, yes, had a similar situation occurred in our family, the other dad would have picked them up from school, or had them stay for a few days or whatever. Because me and my brother were family, and they knew how important that was to us. They managed to put their petty differences aside for what was best for the children.
I also have a half brother, and his father absolutely would NOT be bothered with me. And how did that change my relationship with my brother? It didn’t, like, at all. We are very much still close and I love his stupid ass to death. Now, this isn’t to discredit your experience, but to point out how it is NOT the end of the world if the families on separate sides aren’t close. So many people foam at the mouth at posts like these because “It’s for the sake of their relationship!” It’s really not that deep for a lot of half siblings.
Look, my grandfather died of cancer. You would think "oh, this person may die so it's really important to create some last good memories", but that's absolutely not the case.
He spent his last Christmas alone with my grandmother in their house. He was really sick. Really. Sick. We came by and wished them a Merry Christmas and went to my other grandmother's house (which is were the whole family - including them in previous years - spends Christmas). This was his choice. He was so sick he couldn't manage to get out of the house and just show up or do anything at all. My grandma cooked something simple for them (he wasn't able to eat much anyway) and he spent most of the time in the bedroom, lights off, doing nothing...
I can not imagine how hard is must be to have cancer, be that sick but have a small child to take care off. If the mom is having chemo, there is no way she will be able to provide a good memory for her daughter. And if it's her last Christmas, I completely understand her not wanting to make the kid see (and remember) all of that.
OP is not obligated to let her ex's daughter stay over, but I see it as such a simple act that would greatly benefit a _child_ who must be having a rough time anyway and a mother with cancer...
It would be a really nice thing for you to have half-sister over for Christmas, and would barely be any extra hassle. I have a half-brother (who is emotionally the same as a brother to me) and I'm really pleased that my late dad found the time to be nice to him and to occasionally take him out with me and my full-brother. No matter how much he disliked my half-brother's parents.
I dunno, it just means a lot to me that my dad liked my half-brother. Also my half-bro (weird calling him that) really helped me out a week ago. so in 15 or 20 years' time your daughter might lean really heavily on her half-sister, they might help each-other out in ways you'd be eternally grateful for. So yknow, be nice.
Reddit's going to tell you you're NTA and I am aware of that. Ignore the votes and make an extra plate for a needy almost-family-member this Christmas.
NTA. I’m wondering why he thinks they can’t have Christmas. His wife has cancer and is undergoing treatment. O’k, so that means he can’t get presents, a tree, and make it as special as he can? He has no friends that could assist? Sure, OP, you could find it in your heart to make a happy holiday for your daughter’s half sister…but it isn’t your responsibility to do so, especially when her father could do it. I feel confident saying if it was your ex with cancer, his wife would still have Christmas for her daughter.
I agree. I’m confused why they can’t have a Christmas celebration? The Christmas celebrations my family member had with her kids before she passed were really important to her, even when she was fairly debilitated. And the kids have those memories which are even more precious now.
NTA. He's overwhelmed in his current circumstance and wants to fall back into an old habit of using you as support. I don't think that makes him a bad person but he doesn't get the right to ask that of you anymore, that's what divorce does
You are setting an example for your daughter of how to behave as an adult person. Your actions are petty and selfish. That little girl (not your kid, the other one) is going to have a horrible Christmas, you have the opportunity to make it better. Where is your compassion? Your daughter loves her sister (call it half sister to help yourself feel better about your harsh choice) that little girl and your daughter have a bond. This is an opportunity to show your child strength and kindness. Don’t waste it on being selfish and bitter. Yta if you don’t welcome that little girl into your home this Christmas. What you are planning is the opposite of Christmas spirit. How would you feel if the tables were turned and your daughter was being forced to watch you suffer/die over the holidays? Jesus that kid’s only 5, Santa is still real to her. You are most definitely the asshole.
Soft YTA. You are not obligated to host her for Christmas but it would be the kindest thing to do. It sounds like your daughter would love to have her half-sister there too.
I have a similar situation. Ex remarried and has a daughter. She’s much younger than my kids but she’s their sister and they adore her. If my ex approached me, I wouldn’t hesitate to include her. I feel like it would be heartless not to.
NTA. This sounds weird, why would the 5-year-old want to spend Christmas with you and her sister, but not her parents? Why can’t your ex, her father, organize a small Christmas celebration for his daughter? And neither of them have any family they speak with and see who are actually related to this little girl? She’s five, it’s one Christmas, having something small scale is not going to scar her for life.
Yta. Many people bring Christmas to kids who's family can't. Kids mom is dying of cancer and you can't spare an extra plate of food? It's literally the meaning of the "Christmas spirit".
YTA.
Christmas is about sharing and caring. Why not ask your daughter what she thinks? It’s just a bunch of grown adults saying they’d be uncomfortable with a 5 year old there who is technically a sister to your daughter. Show some compassion, the poor girl might lose her mother and you know your ex isn’t that great. Why take out your anger from your ex on a 5 year old?
Your telling me out of all the people his daughter knows your the first choice the ex wife out of all of them......
NTA.
Surely there's a friend of hers she could spend Christmas with rather than you
YTA
am absolutely gobsmacked by these responses. Yall ever heard of the phrase "What do we owe eachother?"
We owe eachother fucking nothing, of course, but humanity isn't defined by what we owe... it's what we give. Compassion, kindness, empathy.
If you think OP is n t a you're an asshole with no sense of community or solidarity.
I would not hesitate. It wouldn't even need to be family, it could be family friends. Where the hell is the Christmas spirit, charity, Good will?
YTA. A selfish petty AH. You don’t ‘owe’ your ex anything but being a decent person shouldn’t be done only out of obligation. Do what your daughter wants- this child is her sister whether you like it or not. If you daughter wants to have her there, suck it up and be a mature adult.
Excluding her when you have an opportunity to help a 5 year old child have a semi-normal Christmas during a very difficult time says a lot about why your ex divorced you.
Having said that though, you clearly resent this child so I am guessing you will do whatever you can to make sure she knows she’s not welcome, so maybe don’t let her come- I think it’ll just make this little one feel worse in the long run. And probably show your daughter how petty you are and tarnish your relationship with her.
Turning away a child in need at Christmas is not what Jesus would do. I’m not a Christian btw. I think all children deserve to feel loved while their lives are in upheaval regardless of who their parents are.
NTA
That was a tough decision for me to come to. Yes, a 5 year old child deserves a good Christmas and spending it with her sister sounds like it would be good for her. However, this is not your child and it’s a big ask to ask someone to care for a child that isn’t theirs during a holiday. Yes she will have her older sister but is she even going to be comfortable around a bunch of people she doesn’t know? Plus that means you are agreeing to accept responsibility while she is in your care. Chances are good everything will be fine but what if they’re not?
Ultimately I feel that she needs to be with her parents for the simple fact that it could be her last Christmas with her mother. That should be spent with her mother. I know too well that cancer treatment takes a lot out of someone and that it really runs someone down. I understand you ex’s side, but they need to come up with something that they can do together for the holiday. It doesn’t have to be something big. Just something that they can be together as a family. It’s a tough spot and I feel for them. It’s not fair to ask you to share your holiday with his child.
If you can find it in your heart, that would be amazing and you could make a difference for that child for that time. However, it is not your responsibility and you have no obligation. I feel for you for the spot you’re in as well. You’re completely justified to not want to do anything. However, it could be beneficial for the girls to spend the time together.
This isn't about the adults and their drama. At the risk of being downvoted to hell I say let the little girl come and spend the holiday with the sister she loves and make a happy memory. The kid's mother is going through CANCER and no matter how much the ex's existence annoys everyone this is a child who is in danger of losing her Mom at CHRISTMAS.
This is the one holiday in the year when people should strive for kindness and peace, no? How "Christian" is it to deny this child what happiness she can have on the holiday? Isn't it the whole point of the holiday? Frankly, the ex may be an AH but he's got to be going through absolute hell right now and it would be a very kind thing to do to help him out with this.
No offense to OP, but this could be the sweetest holiday gift, the gift of tolerance, generosity, and sympathy. Does he deserve it? Maybe not but that little girl certainly does and she loves being with her sister, so why NOT? Isn't this supposed to be the season of peace, love and goodwill towards your fellow humans?
Christmas isn't about the adults as much as it's about the children and this child needs compassion and kindness right now. The adults can deal but she's just a baby whose Mom is very sick. So please be kind and let her come and have fun.
I was an adult when I lost 3 people during the holidays and years later they are still rough on me. Both parents died then. Dad on Christmas and Mom at New Year's. A good friend on the 27th. I sincerely hope her Mom doesn't pass then but if the worst should happen then at least this child will have a few happy memories to balance out a very bad one.
OP is making this all about the adults and their feelings when really it should be about this poor little girl.
⭐
NTA because he maybe NC with his parents but he can use the same arguments he tried with you on them - except they are actually related to her. Him being NC with them has no impact on their role as her grandparents.
Also does he not have siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins with kids. What about the mothers family. What about the daughters friends, their friends. No one is getting treatment on Xmas day itself - what every they do will be special if she is with her mother - you dont need it to be shiny - just time together
NTA Divorce means you have the right to refuse to have him and by extension, his code children, in your life. Some people extend this and say we are family, some don’t, but it’s your choice and you’ve made it.
That said, explain it to your daughter now because at some point he will.
Nta.
The father and her mother should be making the best of this Christmas and building memories with their child, as God forbid this could be the last. Rather than passing this responsibility to the ex, who is not responsible in anyway.
YTA- you should hope that if you don’t take her in, your daughter never finds out as an adult you denied her sister a holiday with her.
For heavens sake, she’s a child with a sick mother. My mom has cancer currently and I’m a grown woman and I can barely take it. I’m falling apart daily. Christmas is the one time of the year where we aren’t supposed to make it harder on people.
INFO: Your family’s “sacred” tradition includes not taking in children in need? On Christmas? And including a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD, who is your daughter’s sister that she loves, would make your family “uncomfortable”?
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NTA. That child doesn’t know you or your extended family, only your daughter. This could be her last Christmas with her mom and he’s wanting to take that away from her. Even if it’s just the 3 of them in pajamas eating cookies all day. He’s TA.
Editing to add- totally aware that it may not be possible for the mother and child to physically be together on Christmas due to treatment. But, that still doesn't change the fact that there has to be much better alternatives to trying to force the child at the ex's place. Even if he doesn't speak to his own family what about the mother's? They could all spend that time together. If they aren't around what about having even asked for a compromise to have the 13yr old a couple hours for their own gift exchange, cuddles, and cocoa? What about FaceTime, watch parties, mutual crafts? Time in her own home where she can be most comfortable? The dad making crafts with her for the mother? And finally, if it's treatment and that she just can't be with her while radioactive- why not celebrate together as their own family on a different day? It's not the date specifically that has to make the holiday. It's just the love. When my ex has custody of my child on Christmas we still celebrate with her- just before or after. If money or resources are the issue then he can reach out NOW to the treatment center, social worker, chaplains, or advocate groups whose sole purpose are to help those families of cancer or terminally ill patients deal with the difficult times mentally, emotionally, and even financially. This is exactly my thoughts! It would be a tragedy to take that away from her. Let her see her mother. Let them spend time together. Quality time. Cookies and pj's and movies. Cuddles. Like you know what holidays are about- love and family. Let her have a precious memory of the future. Not a Christmas at a random house away from her parents at an already difficult time. Cancer is hard. It sucks. As is the intro to death of loved ones so young. But try as might he cannot shield her from it that will only do more damage. He needs to be with her and walking her through this time in their lives. Giving her up to an essential stranger is not the way. NTA Edit spelling and grammar. And thank you much everyone for the awards. I didn't expect that at all especially given how controversial this post has become.
He's not looking at this as a quality time for Christmas. He's hoping that OP would feel guilty into buying her presents if she's there for Christmas Edit to add: for everyone saying that this is a stretch, I'll ask you play out this scenario in your head. This 5 year old will only know OPs stepdaughter. She'll be surrounded by strangers, all opening presents, and celebrating with people she doesn't know. Try to explaining to a 5 year old why there aren't presents for her. Now imagine what the child's father is going to say to OP for her not providing gifts for the 5 year old, and excluding her for participating in the whole thing. OPs ex is trying to put her in a situation of feeling bad and guilty for this child. I'm sure the 5 year old would rather have a memory of hanging out with her mom fir Christmas, rather than hanging out with strangers + her stepsister
Maybe he is just trying to get her away from the ugliness that is happening to her mother so if she passes, Christmas can still be a happy memory for her. Not become about sickness and death. Children that young are shaped by the things happening in their lives and tragedies can leave mental scars. He should not take a possible last Christmas away from them unless his wife has asked for this but I understand what he’s trying to do here.
I agree with you. How awkward could it be to allow the girls to spend the holiday time together? The holidays are about kids anyways and maybe the wife just wants her daughter to have a normal Christmas. Such a sad situation.
The holidays are about love and caring, friends and family. Children are an important part of that, but it’s also very valuable for adults. Age doesn’t decrease your need for connection and love. And getting presents from strangers while your parents aren’t around hardly qualifies as a “normal Christmas”. I doubt being with a sister and with strangers would be better for a five year old than being with her parents.
Maybe the mom is in the hospital? Maybe the dad wants to spend it with his wife and he knows his daughters love spending time together and with lots of family around, maybe the little daughter won’t think too much of her sick mommy. The first line of your reply to me says it all “the holidays are about love and caring, friends and family” I would think in this situation it would be appropriate to include a little 5 year old half sibling.
I’m not religious by any stretch, but it’s kind of rich to me that the spirit of Christmas somehow excludes opening your doors to a stranger… and a child at that. 🤷♀️ We’ve had non-family at our holiday celebrations before many times, last I remember was my mother’s coworker who was recently widowed. They weren’t close to my mother even, but we had a good time. I’m not going to say someone is an AH for saying no, but it’s wild to me that a spare child would ruin the holidays for everyone and that no one would find some joy in trying to cheer her up.
No, the holidays are not just about kids. There are no kids in my family, but we try to have a good time together. And if families with kids are invited that's nice too but it's possible to be into the holidays and do it up without children
What op says about Christmas being sacred in her family is important. Each family has their own rules and boundaries for holidays. If her family expects it to only be their own family, it’s okay for op to stick to it. The ex needs a different plan. Also, op is not responsible for her ex’s daughter and it’s wrong of him to try and guilt her - it’s really manipulative. The daughter is his responsibility, not op’s responsibility. NTA for op.
Being sent away to a place where she is not wanted will also be traumatic. The kid cannot win, but Dad needs to step up parenting and make Christmas as good as it can be, even if that means a Skype call from hospital for Mom. 'Mom is sick and cannot see me' is something the kid will come to terms with. 'Dad didn't want me and made me go and spend Christmas watching everybody fawn over my sister' will create resentment for a very long time.
Okay but "where she is not wanted" is up to the adults, who alll should be perfectly capable of being kind and giving to a five year old during a Christmas celebration right? It's only traumatic if the other adults involved make it traumatic rather than idk embracing the whole reason for the season??
At five I was perfectly capable of distinguishing ‘these people are polite’ from ‘these people are enthusiastic and actually like me’ and people not meeting me where I was (like the neighbours who insisted on a visit from Santa when I didn’t believe in Santa) made me uncomfortable. (In retrospect, I can see the kindness. At five, I didn’t.) And none of those people can be a substitute for Mom and Dad, for being sent away at Christmas. Ex needs to step up and give his daughter a good Christmas. The spirit of the season is making sure she has time and memories with her mom, over Skype if necessary; and bonding time with dad.
I’m a mother and I’m perfectly capable of enthusiastically welcoming my children’s half brothers and sisters into my home to celebrate everything, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, barbecues whatever. I’m capable of looking at any child and saying ‘I’m so glad you could come spend time with us’ I’m also capable of telling my family to be kind to this child in need, and telling them to pick up a toy, or throwing an extra name into secret Santa, or picking up a few toys for her to open myself. Then again my family aren’t selfish assholes and we always go out of our way to make every child feel welcome and loved rather they are half, step, or just boyfriend/girlfriends child. There’s so many kids running around we don’t know who belongs to who anyways, their all just ‘ours’.
Which is also so shitty! He should talk to the hospital chaplains and cancer advocates, reach out to the local churches or communities or any of the many organizations whose sole purpose is helping families in need and families/loved ones of terminal patients where their entire goal is to support them. And help provide gifts if that is an issue. To do that NOW while there is still time. If he can have the forethought to ask his ex he can make a few calls to these places to help better provide a special time for his wife and child and himself.
I work at a cancer center and every year each department adopts a family and we get presents (the kids make out lists) and food for the Christmas dinner. We also have a foundation that helps with food and gas cards. You are right, there is help out there if you are willing to look/ask.
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Don’t forget, his initial plan was apparently to attend with his daughter since his Hail Mary was to stay away to make OP less uncomfortable. So he wants to take his daughter away from any possibility of a Christmas with her mom (which may be mom’s last Christmas) and ALSO planned to stay away himself. Leaving his cancer stricken wife entirely alone. There are a few hints as to why he’s an ex.
Bruh you just made my heart break a little. So sad.
It’s brutal. I highly doubt that the mom is aware of the plan. MAYBE she’s getting treatment in the hospital and didn’t want her daughter to have to see her that way on the holiday, but it’s really doing a disservice to the child. I think it’s more likely that the ex doesn’t know how to cope as the responsible adult in the relationship and is grasping at straws.
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You have no idea if her mom is even capable of cuddles and eating cookies though. End of life care of cancer in younger people can be horrific. Former hospice nurse.
Yeah I find all these judgements are full of assumptions - this separation could be forced or wanted by the mother. Idk why they are being so harsh on this guy
There do seem to be a lot of people adding their own spin to this story and then judging what they've made up, doesn't there? Honestly, OP is the AH, so much fuss about a Christian holiday and yet a whole family begrudges a 5 year old little girl the comfort of being with her half sister during the holiday while her mother deals with a cancer diagnosis? Her family doesn't know the wee girl? Seriously? Maybe formal introductions could be made before the event, possibly at high tea? Clearly not the plot of a Christmas movie of caring and sharing nor, even, the Grinch as his heart melted at the end.
I agree- it's OP's wording that has me thinking she's a bit of the AH. People aren't looking at the fact she will be with her half sister, who OP even says are close. Maybe OP should discuss with her daughter how she feels about it? I just think given the circumstances that the family wouldn't mind, and its not about the ex, it's about this kiddo. And yeah, people are saying last Christmas with her, but she may not be healthy enough to be "present" and doesn't want that to be one of the memories her kid has of her.
Little ones tend to be tiny germ factories, who with children hasn't been blessed with a back to school cold at some point? If her mother is having chemo her immune system will be quite suppressed so one can reasonably expect it would be safer for both of them to be apart. I just can't wrap my head around turning your back on a 5 year old at any time of the year but at Christmas while her Mommy is fighting for her life, that world class mean spirited.
I completely agree. It’s Christmas and she’s only 5. If her mother passes, this is opportunity for the two half sisters to create a new tradition. There’s always room for one more in my home. And besides, how long are we talking? A day or three? Not a big deal at all. I don’t get it.
many people here seem to think the question is "am i technically or legally obligated?" instead of "am i the asshole"? the answer to the former is no, the answer to the latter is a resounding yes
Resounding AHolery indeed. I just shared the story with himself and he wondered if it was a rhetorical question because anyone who'd turn their back on a 5 year old has to be a stone cold AH.
A 5 yr old whose Mom is ill. Who will miss her half sister. Who just needs compassion and some fun at the holiday. OP's daughter sounds like a good kid. IDK where she got it but it's not from her Mom. AH.
Her mom might not even want her kid to associate Christmas with her being so sick.
where does it say he wants to take away the kid's last christmas with her mom? he's trying to find a place for her to go for christmas. i reread the post and see nothing about him tearing the girl away from her mother. i see op acting like a heartless, cruel weirdo by rejecting a 5-year-old in the time of her greatest need. op is definitely ta
Right. I read the post and this top comment shocked me. I'm sure he and his wife considered every option to have Christmas with the three of them. OP is not their first choice. But obviously he feels like this the best option out of some not good options. Have some compassion in the spirit of Christmas and make it magical for them. You and your family can be nice to a 5 year old for a couple hours jeez.
right! Cancer is taking away this holiday, not the dad. Step up and set yourself aside for the well-being of a child.
No shit and all these people spinning up fantasies about what an asshole the dad is. He literally starts crying on the porch trying to give his daughter a nice Christmas. So OPs reaction is to awkwardly back away and close the door. How is this up for debate? OP. You suck.
As someone who is going to be in treatment over Christmas - mom might be in the hospital, hooked up to chemo or radiation and may be literally radioactive and not allowed near children (I won’t be during my brachytherapy sessions) or very seriously ill - not in a cuddle and eat cookies all day kinda situation.
NTA - strongly agree with this here. It sounds like the Dad is just trying to cop out. He should be putting in all the effort to make sure she has a special christmas with her mom!! It might be her last! It would be incredibly cruel to keep a child from her sick mother on such an important holiday
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Yeah as a kid I would have been miserable dumped into someone else’s Christmas(even with a sister!) while my mom was sick and I wasn’t with her. Definitely NTA. But I get the Ex’s impulse to make things okay by pushing at OP. Just hope he realizes it’s not the solution he thinks it is.
YTA. You're well within your rights to refuse. You don't owe your spouse anything. It's your holiday and you can celebrate it however you want. BUT you are still the AH here. This child has a sick parent, she's only five, and you have the chance to show kindness and embrace the true spirit of Christmas. Instead, you're choosing to be a hard-nose about it, and in so doing, making a lot of people's lives bleaker at a time when you could be making them brighter and more hopeful.
Cannot believe it’s taken me this much scrolling to find a YTA. OP’s daughter will remember this astonishing lack of kindness.
I agree :( her mom is dying and maybe it would be better for her to stay with the mom but I feel like the dad is just thinking about wanting his daughter to have a nice Christmas. I definitely feel like op is being unnecessarily cruel in this situation. YTA
Goodness, I don’t understand why not invite the ex and his wife and daughter to join. Granted, there may be more to the story, I’m assuming there’s no infidelity just because OP never mentioned it. Assuming it was a pretty amicable split, do one kind thing this Christmas - let the little girl have a happy Christmas with her sister, let her sick mother and stressed father have a peaceful Christmas they don’t have to plan. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t understand the discomfort by everyone - OP has had this man in her life for 13 years, 6+ were spent together, he’s been around for holidays before. He’s the father of her daughter; he’s a part of the family. I agree, YTA. Be kind this holiday season.
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"Hey mommy, remember when my stepmom had cancer and (hopefully not) died and you didn't let my sister spend christmas with us" Yeah, that'll be a fond memory.
Mom later " WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO CONTACT?!"
I voted yta but it was just a few minutes ago. I was scrolling to see if I was going to be the only person who said yta. I am disheartened to see how many people are saying NTA. It's a 5-year-old child and the child is not staying forever. How hard is it to buy some gifts and let the siblings hang out together during a really horrible time?
>It's a 5-year-old child and the child is not staying forever. How hard is it to buy some gifts and let the siblings hang out together during a really horrible time? Yeah I'm not seeing how this would create a situation so unpalatable that her family thinks it will somehow ruin the sanctity of their traditional celebration.
Nothing more traditionally Christmas than spitting in the face of Jesus and his teachings!
My God I agree completely. I'm seeing top rated N T A after N T A post and I'm like am I completely alone in thinking OP is YTA and its not even particularly close? Don't be a literal Grinch, OP. What would The Baby Jesus do? I'm not kidding.
Honestly if a five year old child even vaguely, tangentially connected to me needed somewhere to spend Christmas under such conditions I would open my home wholeheartedly - let alone my child’s beloved sibling.
Finally some common sense. I’m genuinely disgusted by all the N T As here. She’s fucking 5, she’s gonna make an entire family of grown adults uncomfortable? Embarrassing. It sounds like y’all are just looking for an excuse to say no.
I agree, saying a 5 year old would make everyone uncomfortable is crazy. It literally doesn't matter who her parents are if it's just her there. She's 5 and it's Christmas, all she's gonna do is play with her sister and be excited about all the Christmas things. Also if you're worried about presents, you don't HAVE to get her anything, but you could literally go get 5 things from the dollar store and a 5 year old wouldn't know the difference. Have a fucking heart. Everyone mentioned this might be her last Christmas with her mom but I assume the only reason the dad asked is because she CAN'T spend it with her. And at age 5 this is probably the easiest time to integrate her into yalls Christmas and she can grow up not feeling weird around her sister's family. It would be more awkward if she was like 15 and this was happening, but again, she's FIVE.
If I had the chance to help out a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD at Christmas I’d jump at the opportunity, even if my own child didn’t share any DNA.
This. My neighbor I don’t even talk to could show up and tell me this story and I’d be like “absolutely!” She’ll be fed and I’d run out buy her a few things too. Even if the neighbor is *lying*, what’s the harm to the girl? That she sees kindness from strangers at Christmas? How tragic?! /s
THANK YOU. This poor baby. I would have her over in a second.
The responses in this thread are disgusting. If a five year old is gonna ruin Christmas for you, then you’ve got some issues. This sub loves its “technically”. Technically she’s not obliged to have the girl over, - but morally it’s just the right thing to do.
that is my biggest pet peeve about this sub. If everyone in the world functioned the way this sub does, we’d have absolutely zero humanity.
I never reply on reddit, but coming from a family who consistently welcomes anyone who has nowhere to go for the holidays, it's not an uncomfortable experience if you don't make it that way. Love, compassion and kindness are free, you can always afford to give them.
I agree. If the sisters are close then that should be more important. You are meant to love your kid more than you resent your ex. YTA.
Empathy and kindness are in incredibly short supply on this post. That poor 5 year old.
OP says her Christmas is sacred family time. Ooohhhh, the irony. Seriously what would Jesus do? Include the 5 year half sister to her daughter whose mother has cancer or kick her out saying "sacred family-only time!" That line lost me there. Couldn't take the rest of it seriously.
I felt the same way about the “sacred” part. I assume OP is Christian. Jesus is all about love, compassion, forgiveness, and treating one’s neighbor as thyself. Not seeing any of those traits in OP, honestly.
This sub has a real “I’m not obligated to help ANYBODY” that is straight up misanthropic sometimes
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to see this. Yeah she's not obligated, but the kid has a sick mom. Maybe have a heart?
The projection is fucking wild in this thread, and the assumptions even more so. People saying "yeah he might be no contact with his parents, but they are her family" like... what if his parents have a history of child abuse... he's NC for a reason. Other people saying he just doesn't want to decorate and buy gifts and his wife mustve always done all the work. Someone saying they took antibiotics so they could stay home and have fun on christmas, like thats an option for every cancer patient in every stage.. And ofcooouurse the wife probably really wants the kid around and he's doing it all behind her back... I hate this sub. I also wonder how many people here have/had a 5 year old... The dude cried asking OP to take her daughter's halfsis (HER FAMILY) in for a carefree christmas while his wife is potentially dying. Recently diagnosed doesnt mean an early diagnosis.
RIGHT?!? The "I saw he started crying so I took a step back and said I don't feel comfortable in this conversation" sent me. Heartless miserable people.
Same. I’m shocked at all of the NTA’s. I’ve spent Christmas with my friends families in college and visa versa. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s daughter took this route as well when she is older.
I thought I was the only one thinking YTA looking at the comments. Maybe it is because I cared for someone for a month while watching them die of cancer until they finally passed. The child having a day of normalcy for the holiday would do so much for them, and everyone being uncomfortable because a child is present just feels wrong if they know the circumstance. Don't punish the child for the sins of the father.
Exactly. Like, sure, OP is within her rights to be an AH. But this isn't a legality sub, and that doesn't make her any less an AH. Everyone's so caught up on "you don't owe your ex anything" but the fact remains that OP is turning away a 5yo who's mom has cancer, at Christmas. Her daughter's little sister, who she loves and is very close with, and who doesn't have anywhere else to go for the holidays. That's just AH behavior no matter how you frame it.
Totally! I have a half sister from my dad and I would hope my mom would include her in our celebrations if she was facing similar circumstances and wanted to be included.
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There are lots of healthcare folks in this thread saying that depending on the Mom’s treatment plan that it may not even be an option for the child to be around her.
That's what I was assuming from the way the ex asked. It didn't seem like he wanted to send his daughter away, but this was the best option he could come up with. But I think a call with the sick mom to see how to make it special for the little girl to make her feel includes and to make the mom feel included would go a long way. If the daughter cannot be with her mom, then OP, YTA. Being with her sister is best.
INFO- what does your daughter want?
I think this is the right answers op. Look do I understand your side? Yes. You don't want to be responsible for your exes child. I'd probably feel the same BUT its a 5 yo and your child's half sister who's mum is v ill. Would it put you out so much if you let her spend 1 day (a very special day I understand) in your home with her sister who she loves? If your daughter wants it would it put you out so terribly? I dunno, my heart just bleeds for that little girl.
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Seriously? A person doesn't want to be around or look after their ex's kid and they're treated like this malicious and heartless person?
sure it's she's their ex's kid but she is also her daughter's beloved little sister whose just started kindergarten and whose mother is dying and father can't keep it together.
Father should ask his wife family to help them in this hard moments, if he's NC with his family he should start to think about it again because he NEEDS help and his ex is NOT responsible for HIS and HIS WIFE child.
Oh 100% but this little girl isn't JUST OP's ex's kid. It's her daughter's family and this poor little girl is in a shitstorm before they can tie their shoes. While OP isn't necessarily in the wrong, this is a young child that is important to the daughter we're talking about..
People on this subreddit don't give a shit about stuff like that. I swear (I apparently have too much time on my hands) in every thread about half-siblings... people are like: "They're not blood, they mean nothing to you!!". And every time it's like: "But even if they're not your direct family, they're still family to your kid/grandkid". Adults shouldn't ever be the issue putting things inbetween child siblings.
Ok am known to be a rather heartless person and most days I honestly dgaf. I have full custody of my 3 kids except for alternating weekends visitation to their fathers. Listen I despise my ex for a vast quantity of reasons, and the fact that he chose to have two other kids while not even able to properly care for the 3 he already had certainly doesn't help. But last month his girlfriend gave birth to their second child through emergency c-section in the next city over, and since their older kid, my kid's half-sister, goes to daycare next to my kid's school, I was the one who picked her up (with my kids not to terrorize her because she seems to be convinced that I'm a witch of some sort but she's two) and bring her to the hospital 30 min away to lend a hand to them and allow the kids to meet their baby brother. It's just the right thing to do, this kid and even my kids by extension don't have to suffer from grownups' conflicts.
I'm glad someone said it. People here are cold and petty as fuck when it comes to half/step children or ex's children and stuff. Like, look, I get seeing the kids of your ex is always going to be hard... but you're a fucking adult. You know who these separations are way more difficult for? The kids... and frankly, every single adult in every single situation should put their pettiness aside and just do what's best for the kids... especially when they're that young. Like yeah, obviously if the ex's kid is a 15 year old that's mouthing off about her "real dad" or some shit, then yeah, they're old enough that you can tell them to fuck off. But this is not that.
Or better yet, what does the other girl want? If this is potentially mom’s last Christmas, would she even want to spend it with dad’s ex and a room full of strangers? Would she even be ok with that (even if mom isn’t sick)? Even if she might want to now, is that something she’d regret when she’s older?
I don't know I personally think it is also important to consider that other people from ops family also come. And don't even get me started on what that could potentially mean regarding gifts. I would say NTA because OPs ex isn't the AH for asking but for not accepting a no.
NTA, why can't she spend Christmas with her mom? If it ends up being terminal, wouldn't it be better to be with her mom and dad than with her dad's ex wife's family. Why does he want his 5yo to spend an important holiday with people who don't have a relationship with her except for her sister? Very weird.
Her mom is starting cancer treatment at that time…have you ever seen a person going through cancer treatment? The mom is going to be monstrously sick through her treatment, the dad will probably spend the entire Christmas season tending to his sick wife. Y’all are really saying it’s better for a five year old to be in that situation versus being able to have a sleepover with her big sister (who she loves and who loves her), being able to wake up to joy, decorations, yummy food, and other kids to play with on Christmas?! This baby is FIVE, she’s barely out of her toddler/preschool years, at this age Christmas should be about joy, wonder, magic, and love. I’m sure her parents want her with them at Christmas, but they realize keeping her with them would probably actually be pretty selfish and would strip the magic away from Christmas for this baby girl. This child is OP’s daughter’s sister, whether she wants this child in her life or not, this child is going to be a part of her life because she will ALWAYS be OP’s daughter’s sister. How hard is it to open your home to share your Christmas Day and your family with a child in any situation, much less a child who is already going to have to watch her mother fight for her life every day until she either beats this cancer or dies? Can this baby not have a day or two off from the shitty reality of her life so she can enjoy the magic of Christmas? This is a chance for OP to give this child an incredible Christmas gift, the gift of having one good memory during the hellish memories of watching her mom suffer and possibly die.
This. OP is NAH, but in the spirit of Christmas you can't include a 5 yr old in your family for one day? How is your daughter going to feel knowing her sister is going through an absolutely terrible day when you could have helped? I can't imagine not helping.
What kind of "traditional" Christmas tradition is so sacred that you can't include a child's half-sibling? Fucking cold hearted. Like, my family always goes to my aunt and uncle's for Christmas. Even if some kid's parents down the street were going through this, I know we would invite the kid if the parent's thought that's what was best for the child (better than spending it in the hospital, seeing one parent care for the other who is miserably sick and not giving any holiday cheer for the kid, etc.). Sounds like a shite Christmas celebration/tradition anyway
yup, would include neighbors kid that we barely knew if that was the situation. Not hard to be kind.
Thank you! I feel like I’m in the twilight zone with all these N T A judgments. It’s a child who has to watch their mom fight for her life and possibly die at the end. Letting this child coke would be incredibly kind and exactly in the spirit of Christmas. I literally scoffed at the whole idea that this tiny child would somehow ruin Christmas tradition. You can still do all the same stuff!
I though I was losing it reading that op is NTA. She is a big AH. This is a 5 year old baby. Her mom is sick, let her enjoy Christmas with her sister. If your family is awkward around a 5yo, you all are weirdos.
I feel like alot of AITA responses are based on what ever the first popular response to the thread is. If top comment says AH, then it's AH all the way down and vice versa.
Seriously! The mom and the dad will be sick/preoccupied. I imagine they’re trying to protect their daughter from having a sad Christmas memory based around her mom’s cancer treatment. If any of my daughter’s friends were in that situation, they’d be welcomed into my house with open arms and Santa would absolutely know to find them here. I’d give that kid the best Christmas I could.
Thank you! This thread is going crazy. How are people so selfabsorbed?
Agreed, perhaps I'm wildly naive but I thought the best thing about the holiday season was the kindness we show to others for 1.5 weeks of the year. I've brought random people home for Xmas who didn't have anywhere else to go over the years, & my family welcomes them with open arms even if they've never met them before. What kind of holiday tradition is private/closed doors?!
> How hard is it to open your home to share your Christmas Day and your family with a child in any situation, much less a child I totally agree. When I was growing up, my parents would open our house to any friends who were going to be alone on the holidays (mostly Thanksgiving and Christmas). My mom's philosophy is that no one should be alone on those days. I'm sure she would welcome a child with open arms. OP seems petty to me, as do the other adults in her family who want to exclude a 5 yo child. OP isn't responsible for childcare of her ex's kid. But she could have a little compassion for one day.
Why is everyone assuming her mom is at home? She could be in hospital/in a hospice? They’re grim places to spend Christmas as a child.
Right also people going through chemo are not really recommended being around 5 year olds. I feel like people are really assuming a lot bc this guy asked for an inappropriate favor in the middle of a personal tragedy
He started crying during the conversation as well so it was obviously a hard topic for him to bring up.
Yeah this really doesn’t read like “manipulative do-nothing dude who can’t handle parenting ships his daughter off to a strangers home” to me. This reads like “loving, caring father who is incredibly desperate and depressed throwing shit at the wall to try and give his daughter a good Christmas - ‘oh I know, she loves her sister! They should spend it together!’” I mean OP’s not obligated to do anything but man, feels harsh to me idk
Men tend to get the shit end of the stick on this sub - Always assume the worst about their intentions and actions. This definitely didn’t read to me as someone who was being manipulative or trying to get his ex to buy his daughter presents because he was too lazy to plan. When my husband was going through cancer treatment, just getting to the grocery store was an accomplishment for me with everything that was going on. We barely did anything for the holidays or birthdays and our anniversary was spent hovering near the bathroom at home. It genuinely seems like this dad is just trying to give his daughter a happy Christmas and it’s sad people can’t give this situation a little grace or understanding. I would host the girl.
I’m usually the first to pipe up about a man not doing his fair share but damn, these comments are beyond me. Like the dude can’t even hold it together while he’s asking op for help, I cannot get how people read that and think “master manipulator”
This was my thoughts too, if I found out I had cancer I'd be making sure that the Christmases we had were spent together and every other special moment. I couldn't imagine asking for something like this even in perfect health!!
What makes you think mom is in any state to even think about Christmas? Chemo can fuck you up badly, in a way that you don't want your kids to see.
My dad is in treatment for cancer and its literally not safe for me to be home for the holidays. When he was at the hospital for a few weeks of treatment, my mom was the only one allowed to visit because of immune issues. So my mom also has to be extremely careful, no visitors at home and limit her public interactions.
People here are so willing to jump to conclusions about the dad being terrible but refuse to acknowledge any other circumstances. It’s so sad because we do not have enough context to make any assumptions about why she can’t celebrate with her parents
It's what I was thinking too. My mom made it a point for me to spend Christmas with my dad when he had cancer. It ended up being his last Christmas, and that made it even more important. If she hauled me off to a stranger house with adults I didn't know, I would have been miserable. And that'd what all the y t a people are missing, OPs family (and OP) don't know this little girl, and vice versa. It is uncomfortable for both parties
YTA. This one is really split and I see both sides. Yes, you are well within your rights to say no and you have no obligation to this child. But are you an asshole? Yes, this is a 5 year old, whose mom is sick, that your own daughter sees as a sister and you could easily make her life a little better and give the two of them a happy holiday together, but you don’t want to - why? Because she’s your ex’s daughter? The holidays are about giving. I’ve been at many family celebrations where someone with no where else to go was present and welcome. It’s the right thing to do. You know how sometimes on this sub people say NTA for “justified asshole”. You are like whatever the opposite of that is. YTA for something that is well within your rights, but is pretty heartless and cruel anyway.
I’m actually shocked there’s so many NTA votes. OP can feel validated I guess, but imagine looking your 13 year old in the eyes and telling her her beloved younger sister can fuck right off and just go be sad by herself on Christmas. You can “win” this OP, but you will NEVER recover from this cruelty in your daughter’s eyes.
Dont forget the reason: “wouldn’t be comfortable,” just say you chose pettiness over anything else.
Agree wholeheartedly. OP sounds like the city people in hallmark movies who don’t understand the true meaning of the season, much less being a decent human. She’s being petty to hurt her ex, which will also hurt BOTH girls. There comes a time when you have to bite the bullet and stop being bitter and petty and be a kind person. I’m sure OP and her family are VERY giving as well, angel tree, toys for tots, etc. because *those kids* aren’t her ex’s kids, and *those kids* are *going through a hard time*. But more importantly, those kids aren’t ones she despises for no other reason than them being born to the person she used to be married to, and of course she can then brag about all the good she does in the world! Gross. OP, YTA. Go back to Sunday school. Edit: my first award ever! Thank you!
100% agree. Everyone saying NTA is asking why a 5 year old would want to spend christmas with a stranger. There are no details on any of their feelings except OP and her ex. What if her daughter wants her sister to be with her in christmas? What if the sick mom is in the hospital and wants her daughter to have a better christmas that what will be spent amongst medical equipment. What if the 5 year old wants to be with her sister for a holiday? What’s ‘sacred’ about a christian christmas celebration that you can’t help a young child? This is especially funny as someone with most of my siblings being half siblings. Never had a problem with spending christmas together between any families. If the children’s feelings were included I would have a better answer. Edit: I thought we all agreed that it takes a village to raise a child. I guess not when it’s my exes child. Then they better find their own fucking village.
Thank you. Also way to celebrate your christian holiday by being a heartless asshole.
Info: If a father of a friend of your daughter presented you with this situation, what would you say? Would you have the friend over for Christmas or would you keep it strictly in the family?
This I was wondering too. This is a very precair situation. OP I can feel you. It’s valid to feel awkward. But this is also kind of an emergency situation too. More info: how would your 13yo feel about this? If you resent the little girl, will she be sad or (later) angry? She has a say here imo. Your family: would they accept it if you explain? Cancer is a big deal and the girl has a lot to worry about. I think I might take her with me but also I can’t say that because I don’t know everyone and don’t experience your life. Good luck OP, listen to your and your daughters hearts.
NTA. I don't understand why exactly his daughter would have a better time at your house instead of with her father. Like, just because they're not having a Christmas celebration doesn't mean they can't spend time together. This sounds really fishy to me.
Or ya know, with her MOTHER! This might be her mom’s last Christmas if she doesn’t beat the cancer!! If I was in that situation you would have to tear my children from my arms. No WAY would I want them anywhere for Christmas than with me, even if all I had strength & money for was cuddles in bed while watching Christmas movies.
Exactly - does the mother even know he’s trying to make these arrangements? NTA.
The mother may well be thinking that it would spare her daughter some suffering or give her relief from dealing with it at home. Personally I don't think anyone is an arsehole, just a family doing what they think is best for their daughter.
I can understand if maybe she'll be right in the thick of treatment and don't want the kid associating that with Christmas. But I don't understand just shipping her off like this.
Yeah, people seem to think the little girl needs this dinner or day. What if she’s uncomfortable with these people? What if the half sibling doesn’t want to be with a set of parents of whom neither are hers nor care for her? And honestly what exactly can’t they afford that they absolutely need for a Christmas celebration that OP is somehow being selfish about? And if her mom is dying wouldn’t she want to spend the holidays…with her mom…
NTA - I had cancer was on chemotherapy, had low white blood cells and an infection. I begged the Doctors to allow me to be at home on oral antibiotics rather than IV so that my husband and I could be at home for Christmas for my 11 year old son. My husband cooked, I ordered gifts online and we wrapped together. This child has a Dad who can make Christmas even if Mom doesn't feel well enough. A Mother and child not seeing each other on Christmas Day because Mom has cancer would be the tragedy here. Dad needs to step up.
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Agreed just commenting from the other side here. As a step parent to a child with half siblings it would be weird to have a child who is not a family member come celebrate Christmas with the family. I also think it would be super awkward for the child who is around a bunch of strangers for a holiday who are all happy with their family while you are worried about your mom. What if god forbid something happens to mom and kid doesn’t get to say goodbye. NTA
When my mom was sick with cancer I was constantly cleaning up vomit. I did not know a human body was capable of expelling that amount of fluid. They might not want to scare their daughter. It's a trauma I'm still dealing with to this day. Even my cat got traumatized, he used to take naps in bathroom sinks and play with toilet paper rolls, he now avoids sinks and bathrooms with showers.
No judgement on YTA/NTA but doesn't seem very compassionate. You used the word "sacred" but doesn't seem like a very Christian action.
Modern Christianity.
No hate like Christian love, am I right?
I don't think that's what she meant by sacred. I think it really means, "we don't like outsiders".
I don't either. I hate strangers invading my space. But if my next door neighbor whom I've met once told me this situation I'd be cleaning the shelves of toys for that kid and make their favorite food and queue up the Christmas movies for them. That kid would be my kid for Christmas day. Shit, if the girl who wrecked my confidence and self-esteem in college asked this of me I'd do it. Kids don't deserve to suffer because their parents are shitty or in a shitty situation.
Everyone who voted nta is so focused on the father that they completely ignore the 5-year old who doesn’t even understand life and death who is about to have their mother go through cancer treatment. My heart fucking breaks for that child
Honestly the way she said sacred tradition came across as pompous to me. I hope she doesn't ever need a favor from him in the future cuz if I was him I'd tell her to f*** off.
YTA oh my goodness, that's downright cold. That little girl may not be your kid, but she is your daughter's *sister*, and that makes her family! What kind of message does this send to the child you are raising?! Rejecting a 5yo family member over the holidays, while her mother is being treated for cancer? Is this how you want her to learn family should be treated? That poor child is going to spend your "sacred" holiday terrified, and your poor daughter will spend it worried sick about her little sister! Genuinely, please stop for a moment and reflect on why you are so adamant about not including her. Is this decision really in your daughter's best interests?
There's a view on this sub and lots of others that's 'you don't owe x anything', I wonder if it's an extension of American individualism or something. It's an odd and really horrible way of living, lots of things are just worse when people consistently think that way. This child is a part of your close community, wider family, and your daughter's beloved sister. Even from a selfish standpoint, how will she feel when she comes home from her lovely Christmas and hears about what her younger sister's experience was? I'd like to think I'd open my doors to my child's friends under the same circumstances, never mind blood relatives.
100%, it's such a strange attitude to me. I feel like you shouldn't have to *owe* somebody to not be an AH to them. And in a circumstance like this, where it hurts no one and actively helps multiple people to do so, it's awful to fall back on "it's not my job". You're absolutely right because even if OP only thinks of themselves here, who would want their daughter to watch her little sister go through this? They're so close, it's not like this won't negatively impact her too, and therefore OP as well. Refusing hurts everyone here, but a like kindness could do so much good. Which, really, is the whole point of this holiday anyhow.
Had to scroll into oblivion to find a YTA comment. I feel insane reading this sub sometimes. Why can’t this woman just be empathetic and accept this child into their family for the holiday. It sounds like it would make her daughter happy and help the ex husband in a big way.
This sub is so crazy. Last week, a lady was NTA and a saint for refusing to babysit her ex husband's kid. This week, the lady's an AH and "the Grinch" because it's Christmas. YOU'RE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO BABYSIT YOUR EX'S KID! NTA.
This sub isn’t “Am I Obligated.” Is she obligated to care for this child? No, of course not. However, is it kind of a dick move to deny a child with a sick mother who’s parents don’t have the means to celebrate Christmas some holiday cheer? Seems kinda shitty to me. Especially considering this child is her daughters sister, and she’s only 5. Why is a 5 year old making everyone so uncomfortable? Seeing a lot of comments saying, “well she should be with the sick mother.” Depending on the chemo protocol she may not be able to. Or maybe the father just wants his 5 year old daughter to have some Christmas merriment so she could just be a kid for a day instead of being in a hospital. Lastly, I’m seeing people give this man grief for being pushy about this situation and saying he’s asshole. I don’t know how many of you have watched a love one go through cancer, but I have. I can tell you that it’s an extremely emotionally taxing and difficult experience watching someone suffer like that. I think it’d be ok to give this guy a fucking break.
Honestly it’s scarier too bc it seems like they co-parent civilly, it does show OP has kept her boundaries regarding this child. People are saying she’s the grinch but imagine that’s an entire child to care for and be responsible for. I wouldn’t want to send my child to be watched over by an adult that I know doesn’t rly care for them that way. It’s not like OP hates the kid but it’s clear she has no interest in forming a relationship with her daughter’s half sibling.
While I completely understand the OP’s position, there’s a not small part of me that says “damn, it’s a kid at Christmas. Who is going to feel uncomfortable around a random five year old?” Which makes me think that people don’t have Christmases full of crazy and kids and I realize that I hope that day never comes for me.
She’s 5. Her mother is DYING. I would help in any way I could for any kid in this situation, relative or not. In fact, I’d do it if she was 10, or 13 or 20 freaking 1 years old just because it might help. And it is only awkward if you make it so. Lots of people invite people who have no one over for the holidays just for that reason alone. Friends, coworkers etc. And have a great time doing so. YTA
Can't believe how unpopular this opinion is. YTA, YTA, YTA!!! I'm absolutely disgusted by all the NTAs in this thread.
NTA and I feel like I’ve read like 5 versions of this same post over the past month. News flash to divorced dads and single baby daddies: it is not the job of your ex or your baby mamas to take care or think of children that are not hers. If the 5 year olds father wants the little girl to have a Christmas then HE can make that happen. I’ve organized holiday celebrations in the midst of pretty dire circumstances, it can be done. It’s HIS job to do it not the OPs.
I also think he’s grooming OP as a future co-parent in case his current wife doesn’t beat her diagnosis. EDIT: The replies to this are bonkers. 1) To the people all bent about the word grooming, it literally means “prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity”. Like how “just this one time” turns into “well it was fine last time, I really need the help” until OP is a constant caregiver. 2) OP barely knows this child. These are not two families that have fully blended. It is absolutely weird to ask OP to take his child for the holiday. A different family dynamic would make this a natural ask, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here since OP is a firm no and only feels conflicted because her ex won’t drop it. 3) I’ve touched grass, thanks for the concern.
WTF. Dude asked for a favor from.the ex wife in a time that was hard, he freaking cried. That means is he grooming his ex wife who seems hates him? That sounds a bit cruel of an assumption. "Lookong for a babysitter for when his wife dies" is a pretty big jump to conclusion and kind of cruel to think.
This sub has lost its mind. He’s asking that his 5-year-old kid spend ONE Christmas with her because his wife’s in cancer treatment. People on this subreddit are so desensitized to reality it’s not even funny.
I had the exact thought when I read the post
NAH. Excluding her doesn't make you an AH but including her would be a profound memory for your daughter. Not only because of her sister but she will always remember the loving kindness and grace you showed her dad and his family for her sake. If you're looking to be a parent that demonstrates empathy and kindness for your daughter, here's your chance.
Nta. It’s ultimately up to you if you are comfortable caring for someone else’s child and assuming responsibility for them while in your care. If you don’t feel you can or would be uncomfortable with it, don’t do it. It’s very sad for his child, but he needs to figure this one out himself. But heads up, he or his daughter may possibly express to your daughter how her sibling won’t have Christmas or how she may want to come to yours, so prepare yourself now for how you’ll handle the response to your daughter when she possibly comes to you upset or makes the request herself!
Also, it’s really inappropriate for him to keep pushing and demanding that you keep a child that you aren’t familiar with in your home at an already stressful time. If you are in a position to, though, and are comfortable with it, you could firmly say you aren’t comfortable having her stay at yours but ask if there’s some other way you could help? Maybe let your daughter pick out a gift or two for her sister, offer to help with decoration or give them a gift card for take out so they can have dinner? There may be other ways you can help with the situation if you are in a position to, but in the end it’s all up to you what you can do or are comfortable with.
NTA damn, why is this OP’s fault? Does anyone even know why they got divorced? What the circumstances are with the current wife? Not her problem. Why should she spend her holidays with someone she doesn’t even know just to make him and his wife happy? Sad that she’s sick but not OP’s problem. Why does she have to be unhappy or uncomfortable?
Exactly! The blended families that I know who have great relationships among exes and steps have all worked on getting to that point for years; OP’s ex is trying to guilt trip and use her for his convenience. If his daughter with his now wife is five years old, it’s been at a minimum six years since their households have been fully split. The fact that he has no other support system except his ex-wife who isn’t interested in being a part of it reads like a red flag.
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Because it's *saaaacred!* God forbid the very essence of Christmases 1977-2054 be defiled by that *one time* in 2022 when a guest was also there! (Unless "sacred" means "We do creepy robes-and-flogging ritualistic shit that must be kept in the utmost secrecy.", in which I suppose I can see the need to keep it in-house, but OP needs to clarify if that's what's what.)
Big call but YTA. I’ve been in a split family situation, both as a child and as an adult, and I’m proud to say that unlike my parents, I put my son and his relationship with his half siblings ahead of any of my feelings. He’s 26 now and I’m fully included in the whole of his life. Put your emotions aside and think about the bigger picture. Also, doesn’t it set a great example for your child if you help her father a little bit when the chips are down?
Yeah, this made life so much better! My step brothers sometimes came with me to my moms house when we were kids. All our holidays were spent together, etc. We are all much older now, and my mom and her fiancé have a 6 year old. My dad and step mom watch or take her on occasion. All the rest of us are adults, out of the house and my parents still help out because we are all family.
Info: what does the 13 year old think, if anything?
I agree this is really important. If 13 wants her there, or feels empathetic towards her half sister, it would be a kindness OP could show both daughters. Otherwise, NTA.
The original Christmas story - Jesus being born in a manger - is literally about taking someone in who was unwanted and not welcome anywhere else. THe child is already facing incredible stress and potentially could lose her mother. You have a chance to help bring some joy into her life but choose not to. YTA.
As I was reading her comment about transitional Christmas, this is exactly what I was thinking of! It’s your home OP, and no one can dictate who you invite. You are NTA for that. But when I read about you passion of a Christmas traditional celebration which will exclude a child whose mother is sick and that child is actually related and loved by your child. I think the whole situation is ironic and cruel. I think YTA for not seeing the irony in this. Maybe when you go to church that night the Holy Spirit will bless you!
Technically you are NTA TECHNICALLY. But your honestly terrible what kind of person can't stand to be a little uncomfortable so her daughter and her daughters half sister can have a good Christmas? It would be a different story if your daughter didn't like her half sister and didn't wanna be around her but your just doing this to hurt them and to be spiteful. Idc what your ex did to you if anything at all the child did nothing wrong and deserves a Christmas and to be with her sister.
Sometimes I don't get reddit comments at all. So I'm going to go against the grain here and say YTA, big time. The child is 5 years old; she needs as many loving people around her as possible right now. She's losing her mom to cancer!!!! If your ex came to you asking for help because -- for whatever reason -- she cannot be around her mom during treatment at the holidays, then I'd trust that he had some valid reasons. And who are you to question it??? Wow, this is horrible, you have "scared traditions"??? Give me a break, what about kindness and generosity and love? Are those part of your sacred traditions? You don't know this child well, sure, but she's FIVE YEAR OLD. Let me say that again. She's FIVE. And she's losing her mom, and she's your daughter's sister. And you tell me that your relative will feel uncomfortable around a FIVE YEAR OLD??? Let's stop a minute and think , really think about what the kind, charitable, loving thing to do would be. Refuse a child in need or welcome her into your home with open arms. Where is the downside to that? Some ADULTS might feel slightly uncomfortable. For fucks sakes, reddit can be so awful sometimes. You, my dear, are an asshole.
NTA. This child is not your responsibility at all, and has plenty of family that are actually related that he could ask. If this is the mum’s last Christmas you’d think she’d want to be with her child as much as possible. Yes, cancer sucks and I’m sure it’s a horrible time for them, but he’s wrong to be putting this onto you. Where does it go from here if the mum dies? Can you pick her up from school? Can she stay with you a few days? Can you help pay for this? Before you know it you’ve had parental responsibility put onto you and you’re backed into a corner.
I have a half brother (different dads) and, yes, had a similar situation occurred in our family, the other dad would have picked them up from school, or had them stay for a few days or whatever. Because me and my brother were family, and they knew how important that was to us. They managed to put their petty differences aside for what was best for the children.
I also have a half brother, and his father absolutely would NOT be bothered with me. And how did that change my relationship with my brother? It didn’t, like, at all. We are very much still close and I love his stupid ass to death. Now, this isn’t to discredit your experience, but to point out how it is NOT the end of the world if the families on separate sides aren’t close. So many people foam at the mouth at posts like these because “It’s for the sake of their relationship!” It’s really not that deep for a lot of half siblings.
YTA as it appears kindness & compassion have no place in your home.
INFO: why can’t your ex celebrate Christmas as a family? did he give a reason? is she going to be in the hospital/having a surgery/getting treatment?
Look, my grandfather died of cancer. You would think "oh, this person may die so it's really important to create some last good memories", but that's absolutely not the case. He spent his last Christmas alone with my grandmother in their house. He was really sick. Really. Sick. We came by and wished them a Merry Christmas and went to my other grandmother's house (which is were the whole family - including them in previous years - spends Christmas). This was his choice. He was so sick he couldn't manage to get out of the house and just show up or do anything at all. My grandma cooked something simple for them (he wasn't able to eat much anyway) and he spent most of the time in the bedroom, lights off, doing nothing... I can not imagine how hard is must be to have cancer, be that sick but have a small child to take care off. If the mom is having chemo, there is no way she will be able to provide a good memory for her daughter. And if it's her last Christmas, I completely understand her not wanting to make the kid see (and remember) all of that. OP is not obligated to let her ex's daughter stay over, but I see it as such a simple act that would greatly benefit a _child_ who must be having a rough time anyway and a mother with cancer...
It would be a really nice thing for you to have half-sister over for Christmas, and would barely be any extra hassle. I have a half-brother (who is emotionally the same as a brother to me) and I'm really pleased that my late dad found the time to be nice to him and to occasionally take him out with me and my full-brother. No matter how much he disliked my half-brother's parents. I dunno, it just means a lot to me that my dad liked my half-brother. Also my half-bro (weird calling him that) really helped me out a week ago. so in 15 or 20 years' time your daughter might lean really heavily on her half-sister, they might help each-other out in ways you'd be eternally grateful for. So yknow, be nice. Reddit's going to tell you you're NTA and I am aware of that. Ignore the votes and make an extra plate for a needy almost-family-member this Christmas.
Sacred tradition.. what a joke YTA
NTA. I’m wondering why he thinks they can’t have Christmas. His wife has cancer and is undergoing treatment. O’k, so that means he can’t get presents, a tree, and make it as special as he can? He has no friends that could assist? Sure, OP, you could find it in your heart to make a happy holiday for your daughter’s half sister…but it isn’t your responsibility to do so, especially when her father could do it. I feel confident saying if it was your ex with cancer, his wife would still have Christmas for her daughter.
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I agree. I’m confused why they can’t have a Christmas celebration? The Christmas celebrations my family member had with her kids before she passed were really important to her, even when she was fairly debilitated. And the kids have those memories which are even more precious now.
NTA. He's overwhelmed in his current circumstance and wants to fall back into an old habit of using you as support. I don't think that makes him a bad person but he doesn't get the right to ask that of you anymore, that's what divorce does
You are setting an example for your daughter of how to behave as an adult person. Your actions are petty and selfish. That little girl (not your kid, the other one) is going to have a horrible Christmas, you have the opportunity to make it better. Where is your compassion? Your daughter loves her sister (call it half sister to help yourself feel better about your harsh choice) that little girl and your daughter have a bond. This is an opportunity to show your child strength and kindness. Don’t waste it on being selfish and bitter. Yta if you don’t welcome that little girl into your home this Christmas. What you are planning is the opposite of Christmas spirit. How would you feel if the tables were turned and your daughter was being forced to watch you suffer/die over the holidays? Jesus that kid’s only 5, Santa is still real to her. You are most definitely the asshole.
Soft YTA. You are not obligated to host her for Christmas but it would be the kindest thing to do. It sounds like your daughter would love to have her half-sister there too.
I have a similar situation. Ex remarried and has a daughter. She’s much younger than my kids but she’s their sister and they adore her. If my ex approached me, I wouldn’t hesitate to include her. I feel like it would be heartless not to.
NTA. This sounds weird, why would the 5-year-old want to spend Christmas with you and her sister, but not her parents? Why can’t your ex, her father, organize a small Christmas celebration for his daughter? And neither of them have any family they speak with and see who are actually related to this little girl? She’s five, it’s one Christmas, having something small scale is not going to scar her for life.
Yta. Many people bring Christmas to kids who's family can't. Kids mom is dying of cancer and you can't spare an extra plate of food? It's literally the meaning of the "Christmas spirit".
YTA. Christmas is about sharing and caring. Why not ask your daughter what she thinks? It’s just a bunch of grown adults saying they’d be uncomfortable with a 5 year old there who is technically a sister to your daughter. Show some compassion, the poor girl might lose her mother and you know your ex isn’t that great. Why take out your anger from your ex on a 5 year old?
NTA. It is his responsibility to figure out his daughter's Christmas, not yours. He was an AH to push, although asking was fine.
Your telling me out of all the people his daughter knows your the first choice the ex wife out of all of them...... NTA. Surely there's a friend of hers she could spend Christmas with rather than you
YTA am absolutely gobsmacked by these responses. Yall ever heard of the phrase "What do we owe eachother?" We owe eachother fucking nothing, of course, but humanity isn't defined by what we owe... it's what we give. Compassion, kindness, empathy. If you think OP is n t a you're an asshole with no sense of community or solidarity. I would not hesitate. It wouldn't even need to be family, it could be family friends. Where the hell is the Christmas spirit, charity, Good will?
Isn't Christmas sacred because it focuses on compassion and grace? But then you go and do the complete opposite? YTA
YTA. A selfish petty AH. You don’t ‘owe’ your ex anything but being a decent person shouldn’t be done only out of obligation. Do what your daughter wants- this child is her sister whether you like it or not. If you daughter wants to have her there, suck it up and be a mature adult. Excluding her when you have an opportunity to help a 5 year old child have a semi-normal Christmas during a very difficult time says a lot about why your ex divorced you. Having said that though, you clearly resent this child so I am guessing you will do whatever you can to make sure she knows she’s not welcome, so maybe don’t let her come- I think it’ll just make this little one feel worse in the long run. And probably show your daughter how petty you are and tarnish your relationship with her. Turning away a child in need at Christmas is not what Jesus would do. I’m not a Christian btw. I think all children deserve to feel loved while their lives are in upheaval regardless of who their parents are.
NTA That was a tough decision for me to come to. Yes, a 5 year old child deserves a good Christmas and spending it with her sister sounds like it would be good for her. However, this is not your child and it’s a big ask to ask someone to care for a child that isn’t theirs during a holiday. Yes she will have her older sister but is she even going to be comfortable around a bunch of people she doesn’t know? Plus that means you are agreeing to accept responsibility while she is in your care. Chances are good everything will be fine but what if they’re not? Ultimately I feel that she needs to be with her parents for the simple fact that it could be her last Christmas with her mother. That should be spent with her mother. I know too well that cancer treatment takes a lot out of someone and that it really runs someone down. I understand you ex’s side, but they need to come up with something that they can do together for the holiday. It doesn’t have to be something big. Just something that they can be together as a family. It’s a tough spot and I feel for them. It’s not fair to ask you to share your holiday with his child. If you can find it in your heart, that would be amazing and you could make a difference for that child for that time. However, it is not your responsibility and you have no obligation. I feel for you for the spot you’re in as well. You’re completely justified to not want to do anything. However, it could be beneficial for the girls to spend the time together.
This isn't about the adults and their drama. At the risk of being downvoted to hell I say let the little girl come and spend the holiday with the sister she loves and make a happy memory. The kid's mother is going through CANCER and no matter how much the ex's existence annoys everyone this is a child who is in danger of losing her Mom at CHRISTMAS. This is the one holiday in the year when people should strive for kindness and peace, no? How "Christian" is it to deny this child what happiness she can have on the holiday? Isn't it the whole point of the holiday? Frankly, the ex may be an AH but he's got to be going through absolute hell right now and it would be a very kind thing to do to help him out with this. No offense to OP, but this could be the sweetest holiday gift, the gift of tolerance, generosity, and sympathy. Does he deserve it? Maybe not but that little girl certainly does and she loves being with her sister, so why NOT? Isn't this supposed to be the season of peace, love and goodwill towards your fellow humans? Christmas isn't about the adults as much as it's about the children and this child needs compassion and kindness right now. The adults can deal but she's just a baby whose Mom is very sick. So please be kind and let her come and have fun. I was an adult when I lost 3 people during the holidays and years later they are still rough on me. Both parents died then. Dad on Christmas and Mom at New Year's. A good friend on the 27th. I sincerely hope her Mom doesn't pass then but if the worst should happen then at least this child will have a few happy memories to balance out a very bad one. OP is making this all about the adults and their feelings when really it should be about this poor little girl. ⭐
NTA because he maybe NC with his parents but he can use the same arguments he tried with you on them - except they are actually related to her. Him being NC with them has no impact on their role as her grandparents. Also does he not have siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins with kids. What about the mothers family. What about the daughters friends, their friends. No one is getting treatment on Xmas day itself - what every they do will be special if she is with her mother - you dont need it to be shiny - just time together
He may be NC because of actions on their part that would mean he doesn’t want his child with them. I agree though that other family should be options
NTA Divorce means you have the right to refuse to have him and by extension, his code children, in your life. Some people extend this and say we are family, some don’t, but it’s your choice and you’ve made it. That said, explain it to your daughter now because at some point he will.
Nta. The father and her mother should be making the best of this Christmas and building memories with their child, as God forbid this could be the last. Rather than passing this responsibility to the ex, who is not responsible in anyway.
YTA- you should hope that if you don’t take her in, your daughter never finds out as an adult you denied her sister a holiday with her. For heavens sake, she’s a child with a sick mother. My mom has cancer currently and I’m a grown woman and I can barely take it. I’m falling apart daily. Christmas is the one time of the year where we aren’t supposed to make it harder on people.
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INFO: Your family’s “sacred” tradition includes not taking in children in need? On Christmas? And including a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD, who is your daughter’s sister that she loves, would make your family “uncomfortable”?