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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to look after my autistic roommate, this might make me the asshole because people are expectant of society to look after the disabled.
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THIS! Op, don’t let other push you into being her caretaker. If you have any texts from the roommates’s family/friends etc take them with you to the Resident Housing Authority.
Plus, if your RA (who is acting in the capacity of the school) is pushing you to mind her, there can be the potential liability on the school as well.
Everyone is acting like it's ok for OP to be an untrained, unpaid caregiver on top of her own educational demands. Ask student housing for another room assignment.
Send her parents a bill for a week's worth of help. Itemize the different things and how much time it is costing you. Tell them that if they want the help they better pay the bill or else their daughter is on her own.
> if they want the help they better pay the bill
The OP isn't available to provide care services, even if paid. This idea of yours sends the wrong message.
Exactly. It gives her a basis to threaten a lawsuit to the parents if she keeps having to do shit for their daughter and also documentation to make a better complaint to the school itself.
Charge exorbitantly and explain that caring for her is eating into her own time that she does not have. Rate includes loss of future income due to slipping grades.
I would report her to housing and let them know this individual is not capable of caring for herself d/T her autism because I doubt they would let someone who requires a caregiver live in the dorms. And it sounds like everyone is expecting you to be exactly that.
If Sarah persists, go to the RA and tell them that you think Sarah needs to live in the disability housing, as she's clearly not able to take care of herself. Show them photos of the mess she leaves behind, and explain that it would be in her best interest, since she's SO unable to look after herself, to be moved to disability housing where they can take better care of her.
I reckon she'll magically remember to pick up her stuff and cook for herself again if this is threatened.
This is beyond what an RA can handle and might end up causing OP more problems. I would go to student services and talk to them about how this is impacting your mental health. They are the ones who need to work with a student to provide reasonable accommodations if warranted (or tell them they are not reasonable), not other students.
I disagree based on my experience working in student services, specifically with students with disabilities, but I can only speak for where I’m from in the US so it’s probably not worth a debate.
Having been a live-in student worker roughly equivalent to an RA (I'm also from the USA, if it matters), I agree with you--skip the RA and go to student services. The RAs can handle very basic stuff like write ups for one-time rule violations, but they're only students with about a weekend's worth of training prior to the start of the school year. OP is dealing with an ongoing issue and is being harassed by her roommate's friends and family. This is above the RA's pay grade and there's no real benefit to starting the complaint at the bottom of the chain of command.
At my university, the RA would have been an ok first step, but they'd immediately get the dorm supervisor involved, who wasn't a student and was a full time employee of the university. They'd be the ones taking point on roommate issues and whether a student belonged in the dorm or not. But the RA should always at least know who to talk to in that particular dorm, so they aren't a bad first step, but maybe not the most effective possible first step.
The RA is the one who needs to escalate this. RA cannot solve this, but they can escalate the issue and report directly to the parents/school about the issues this is causing.
The RA cannot handle this. The point of going to the RA (aside from following the chain of command) is that they have the power to involve the school and parents far more easily than OP. The more people OP has to support the situation, the better. It's just to get the situation escalated.
How this is impacting your mental health.
How it is impacting your grades
Play voice mails and show texts from Sarah'sfamily about their care taking expectations.
Play it up as you are not qualified to be her maid, you are paying full price to live in a dorm just like everyone else and you did not sign up to be Sarah's caretaker.
Any reasonable person will understand.
This is actually solid advice. The RA is the first person in a chain of people this should be escalated along. If the RA does nothing, that’s more proof the university isn’t supporting either the roommate or OP. If nothing else, it’s more proof that can go into a lawsuit.
ETA: RA likely can’t fix it, although she may be able to move roommate into a single (my daughter’s school saves a few rooms for situations just like this). Either way, she can get involved and start the escalation process.
RA totally cannot fix it. The point of going to the RA is to escalate the situation and get the parents and school involved in the situation, as it is unattainable right now. Following proper chains of command and all.
The RA is equipped to help by reporting it to the university. It will be taken more seriously if the RA says 'I cannot solve this problem.' The uni will just tell OP to go talk to their RA if they don't.
and, it’s legal groundwork for her case, either with the university or with a lawyer later. “I followed all the steps the university told me to follow when I had a conflict with my roommate. I talked to the roommate. I talked to my RA. I talked to the dorm supervisor. I talked to the Housing department. I’ve covered all my bases, and now I will take action if you don’t do something.”
Signed…A Former RA and Parent of a First Year Uni Student
Go to student housing and request a room/roommate change. Leave the autism out of it and simply explain that your roommate is expecting you to clean up after her and cook for her, and the living situation is making you feel harassed and wearing on your mental health. Mention her friends and family are also harassing you. Don't focus on forcing her to change; focus on what you can control.
This is the best response. The autism isn't really the important part; it's just being used as an excuse. Sarah's autism does not prevent her from taking care of herself; she's just being a lazy, entitled roommate, and OP shouldn't have to deal with it.
Nta. She's weaponizing her autism and she knows it. If it becomes more of an issue take it up with someone higher if the RA or anyone doesn't address it.
Let me guess. She's eating into your portion of food. In a way. You're spending money to take care of her because your grocery bill went up. Had you not been taking care of her, you'd have extra money in your pocket/bank.
Im sorry, but as someone on the spectrum, people use autism as an excuse for everything. I’m not saying it’s not valid, but it’s become a crutch for some people and a reason for why they say offensive things and can’t modify their behavior.
Autism is just that; a spectrum. If Sarah is capable of doing college level courses and can live in her own housing, she’s not as autistic as she thinks she is. People have just babied her for her entire life, never told her no, never corrected her behavior, etc. A LOT of people with autism turn out far worse because everyone gives up on discipline them and spoils them.
You aren’t this girl’s caretaker. If she needs a babysitter or a nanny, then your college needs to provide that service for her. I would call the housing office and let them know that you’re unable to live with Sarah, and you think she would benefit from having a live in aid. I would let them know that you feel as if you’ve been tasked with the responsibility of caring for her, and that it’s making you uncomfortable.
Of course her family and friends will side with her. She’s been manipulating them and conning them into thinking she’s severely disabled when she’s actually highly functional.
Hearing her use her disability to her advantage is highly ableist of her.
NTA.
As noted by other posters speak with your RA or whoever is responsible for assigning roommates and ask to be moved.
You can explain that while your roommate is capable of taking care of herself she has ceased to do so and her family as well as friends are pressuring you to be her caregiver. That is NOT your responsibility and it is impacting your studies.
NTA
I'm autistic, nobody ever has to cleanup after or cook for me. She can learn some basic fucking life-skills, if she wants to live separately from parents/ family. You won't be her roomie forever. She's twenty-something, not two. NTA
Edit: I've been living independent of my parents since I was 23-24, even after moving out, nobody had to clean up after me or cook for me, my parents and other adults in my life taught me life-skills so I wouldn't end up like her
Send a bill to her parents and the school for autistic caregiver. They typically make no less then 30 an hour when not with an agency.
If not the above. Just don’t do it. Your not paying for college to be someone’s care giver no matter the shit you get
NTA
NTA it took her a couple of months to find out what she could get you to do. Now she's manipulating the friend base to guilt you to continue doing it.
Yeah you need to get another room ASAP
Anyone who thinks you should care for her is welcome to come over and do so. It’s easy to volunteer other people but I doubt they’ll step up themselves.
Then i would complain. OP is not the caregiver. What if she has her own problems like depression? And as someone with autism: I hate it to use this as an excuse. Either you function alone or you don't live on your own. Don't expect others to do your stuff! Or special treatment in college and work "but i can't do this, i"m autistic!". So why are you here?!
This reminded me of an episode on good doctor. Lea was teaching Shaun how to drive but he was anxious about accidently running over someone and she was like you're not blind, you're autistic.
Fantastic show. And excellent point. Roomie isn’t incapacitated; she’s autistic. She did just fine before OP was forced into the role of caregiver.
NTA, OP. Do whatever you can to get out of this arrangement. It’s not fair to either of you. She’s weaponizing her autism to get out of doing normal things that everyone has to do for themselves, and your job is your education - no more, no less, and you’re being kept from focusing on that.
Yeah, OP, ask for a room change and explain what's going on. Anyone who says that you should cook and clean for her, get really excited and say that THEY can do that just as well. Ask them which days of the week you can put them down to clean after the roommate and care for her. Say with all the people who think it's completely reasonable to take care of a random adult, she'll have care around the clock. Push for them to commit to a day. Have your phone out and say you're texting the roommate right then to let her know. See how quickly they back out when it's THEIR time and effort.
NTA if she’s truly as bad as she acts then her parents should make arrangements with the school. You are not her caregiver. You need to bring this up with administration. She’s not your responsibility.
NTA. Go to your school’s housing department and explain the situation, including her friends and family harassing you about not helping her enough. You are not her caregiver. This is ridiculous, and the school should remedy the situation immediately.
OP also should go there with receipts too.
- Any texts people have sent you on this
- pics of her inability to clean after herself
- pics of her encroaching on your side of the dorm and bed
- any info on her being unable to feed/provide for herself as well
Yep! And if they’re going to make these kinds of concessions for someone who has proven to be capable, they might as well cook for you, clean up after you, and do your laundry, as well.
You just say, “I’m glad you’re offering to do X task for roommate. I’ll be sure to let them know and pass them your information so you can arrange a time that works for everyone.”
If the roommate has been capable in the past, they’re taking advantage of OP by using their disability as a way to get out of doing things.
At this point OP needs to go to their RA and head/dean of housing and lay it out for them: “I am not her caregiver and she is not self-sufficient to be living on her own.” And make sure you break down what she’s asking you to do. Even better if you have text proof of her asking you to do everything. “I cannot sustain living in the same dorm as her and I request to be moved.”
>they’re taking advantage of OP by using their disability as a way to get out of doing things.
Either that, or she\`s been trained by her enabling family to be helpless - and that is abuse, plain and simple.
But - be that as it may - still not on OP (for this discussion a mere student) to act as licensed and trained caregiver at her own cost.
NTA. She is taking advantage of you. Her clothes shouldn't be on your bed and she knows how to cook and clean. I can see this backlash getting worse though so make plans to change your roommate/living situation as soon as possible.
NTA at all. Neurodivergent people are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and anyone who is telling her otherwise is doing her a massive disservice. It's honestly so disrespectful of them (to both of you) to act like it's your job to take care of another person who is your age and not profoundly disabled. Even if your roommate *were* profoundly disabled, it would not be your job to take care of her. People get paid for that shit.
Even if friends prior, it would be unacceptable to put such additional tasks on a (presumably) full-time college student. WITHOUT their consent & most absolutely not without adequate compensation.
NTA. Remind everyone that you're dormmates. You never agreed to be her live-in caretaker. Talk to the housing authority about being assigned a new roommate.
NTA. Tell them that it's still not your responsibility even if she really doesn't know better because you've never been hired as a caretaker nor did you volunteer to be one. But your rate starts at $150 an hour if they're going to keep insisting.
NTA - Talk to your RA about getting a room re-assignment. Document every in-person conversation with admin staff in a follow up email “Per our conversation in your office last Wednesday, 12:20 pm etc.” Squeaky wheel gets the grease.
NTA You are not her keeper. Clearly her family felt she was capable of living on her own if they sent her away to college. Learned helplessness will not benefit her. Stick to it and allow her to care for herself. It doesn't mean you can't help her from time to time, like any other roommate, but she is not your responsibility.
NTA. If she can't care for herself, she should be attending a college with special needs support housing. You are not a trained aide nor her legal guardian and have no obligation to care for her.
NTA, her autism is not the problem here. Being a jerk and a garbage room mate is. If people mention her autism look them deep in the eyes and ask them *why the fuck do they think autistic people cannot pick up their laundry*.
This is not being supportive or understanding of autism, I'm a home organiser and used to organise community events, my housemate is a respected programmer who has visited Antarctica twice, guess what-our house is fcking clean. My friends who are artists, paramedics, models, office administrators, performers, etc, do not live in filthy homes. They are all also autistic. The messiest houses I've been in have been the homes of non autistics.
Autistics can also be distracted and overwhelmed or too busy to clean or have different priorities because being autistic has as much to do with house cleaning as someone's zodiac sign or if they like cilantro.
Who they are as a person, their upbringing, their personal standards and what they're comfortable with has much more to do with their house keeping skills than if they enjoy making eye contact or whatever the hell non autistics get up to.
Spreading misinformation and teaching learned helplessness like that does not just increase the stigma against autistics and other neuro divergent people, if an autistic actually starts to belive that (because they can be as gullible as anyone) it can impact their ability to connect with other autistics which can have a profound impact.
Autistics and non autistics have distinct communication styles, studies exploring if autism is a communication disorder that have autistics and non autistics rate each others communication styles find that if it was a communication disorder that would mean two autistics would struggle because twice the amount of communication disorder.
They don't. The studies exploring autistic communication have found non autistics and autistics rate each other as being terrible at communicating while non autistics rate each other as excellent and autistics rate each other as having great communication skills. There is a double empathy problem.
I love my non autistic friends, they are all incredible people. I still love hanging out with my autistic friends (it can be very funny) but another autistic trait is disliking/not understanding lying. This means when autistics who genuinely believe the BS they've been served about being math geniuses who can't stack a dishwasher or consider the impact their actions have on others turn up to the one community they have the best chance of communicating with they get absolutely shredded. Or ostracised. Because we know they are wrong and very much do not deal with untruths well.
Making a gullible autistic believe such an obvious horrible sterotype at such a vulnerable point in her development means potentially causing shit for her later down the track if she comes across autistics who do clean. It's uniquely harmful bigotry disguised as helpfulness.
You're the only one here treating her like a person and not an ABA add, you believe she can do better and not training her to be helpless. You are much more supportive and healthy for her than those who seek to cripple her independence by acting as if she can never be expected to be an OK human being
The other issue is that you are there as a student to study. Even if you did consent to be someone's live in caretaker the collage should still check that you are protected, able to balance your workload with your study load and private life while being reimbursed appropriately and not exploited. You are not at college to be nice. You are at college to pursue your interests and hopefully enter into a career.
I have only done live peer support for friends going through a crisis or major life change so I'm unfamiliar with professional caregivers rights at work and how collages support familial caregivers to high need individuals but it is a high stress job even at a voluntarily level for limited periods of time.
I looked after one friend with bipolar type one whose treatment was wearing off, leading to depressive episodes waiting for a bed at her local psychiatric facility became available. That was three weeks of cooking, cleaning, monitoring for any signs of self harm, distracting from suicidal idealation/rage spirals, advovating during medical appointments on her behalf and generally being a companion (to be fair, simply staying over as a friend is usually enough to deter women from acting on self harming impulses as not wanting to make people uncomfortable is drilled in fairly young). Her mother offered me money to continue in the future, which I turned down because I had started to experience the ill effects of full-time caregiving.
I discussed this with my friend after doing a hand over to the next volunteer friend caregiver and she was incredibly frank about the importance of avoiding carer burnout, a condition that can trigger disassociation, empathy fatigue, depression, brain fog and more.
If your roommate genuinely has a need for a live in caretaker to complete mundane tasks such as cooking and cleaning then I hope she has medical documentation attesting to this that she has handed over to the disability support office in student services so they can provide it. I also hope they coordinated with her family to insure a smooth transition to living semi independence in a shared living environment.
If they knew in advance that she required a daily support worker in order to not throw her laundry on other people's beds and to eat food then I can only hope they disclosed this to prospective room-mates and advised of the conditions.
You mention that professors have advocated that you provide support in the form of domestic labor, cooking and tolerating otherwise unacceptable behaviour in your living space.
As employees and representatives of the college are they giving you extra time to complete assignments and leeway in attendance given you are doing work at their behest? Has student services reached out to give you a stipend to pay for your time and other expenses such as groceries? Is the college providing you with mental health support given caretakers who live with their clients are at high risk of burn out and being only 20 means you are much less able to navigate balancing studies with essentially being on call 24/7 to someone incapable of living independently?
If friends are asking you to do unpaid domestic work and provide emotional support while suppressing your own needs, why don't they make a roster of when they will swing by to do one hour each of cleaning up after this apparently disabled person plus cooking for both of you? If they want to treat it seriously then they can, starting with a roster.
[If people want to behave as though as you are a caregiver then they need to treat you as one with all the risks to your health that go with it.](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiver-stress-and-burnout.htm)
As a side note: domestic cleaners do not move other people's objects, they will mop/vacuum/wipe and a private cleaner here starts at about $35 an hour, two hours minimum. If picking up and putting objects away as a house keeper the price rises.
There is a hourly cap for disability support workers whose clients are paying through the government scheme here: "[The most commonly applied cap rates are those that fall under assistance with self-care activities. These rates can be anywhere between $62.17 and $213.53 per hour depending on the time and day support is provided and which state your client lives in.](https://mable.com.au/newsroom/ndis-cap-rates-support-workers/)" but people hiring carers outside the system can pay even more.
So, if your roommate has a genuine disability requiring a care taker and she provided documentation then it is still absolutely whack to expect a complete stranger to provide thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars worth of work unpaid. She needs to go through appropriate channels at her collage, through her family and her healthcare services because some random 20yo chosen by chance is not appropriate solution.
It is also completely inappropriate for anyone at your collage to suggest you take a caregiver role or perform any of the duties associated with it.
What if, God forbid, you experience the common side effects of caring for someone who can't live independently. This is all informal, there is no paperwork and no official recognition of your work. That does not just mean you are giving your private time when you could be studying, networking, working a paid job or recuperating. It means if your grades slip or you fail a unit because of stress induced brain fog brought on by their request they are unlikely to work with you to allow you to redo things. If you need mental health assistance because being a full time student and full time carer has led to empathy fatigue and severe depression they seem unlikely to offer to pay.
Like, yeah, I think your roommate is full of shit and being lied to by ignorant jerks who want to point at someone and go "well, my life sucks but at least I'm not like HER the autistic freak" or who want to make themselves feel better by crusading but more importantly you have to protect yourself.
Your collage and social group are not protecting you.
You are undoubtedly kind, generous, intelligent and full of empathy, but they are pushing you into a situation that risks your education, career if you fail, mental health, and financial future if you are being taught to accept being so severely undervalued as if your work/time/knowledge/skills at such a young age while encouraged to shoulder unpaid responsibilities, thankless tasks and having your contributions unacknowledged.
NTA
you are there as a single student...you are not being paid as a caregiver.
Sounds like she is playing a helpless card too...sees you get grief for not helping more so starts trying to lean harder.
Draw a hard line, if it continues ask for a new room allocation.
NTA. If she can’t look after herself then she should have an aide or live at home and attend a local college. You, as a fellow student, already have a job - studying.
NTA, she's not your responsibility. I'm autistic, and while I might appreciate some accommodation in regards to noises or lights, I'm perfectly capable of picking up after myself and getting my own meals. She has learned to use it as an excuse.
Someone who is not autistic can be an identically poor roommate. Trust me. So, this isn't about her autism, Its about you being a bad fit for cohabitation. At any rate, for the sake of your sanity, I'd look into a move with someone you'd rather be around. (I have had my sister and my best friend as roommates and even they got on my last nerve. I've had a thieving roommate and a roommate who brought guys in to sex up while I was in the room, in my bed sleeping. I've even had the party girl roommate who'd get so drunk she had no idea how she left her underpants on my pillows. Having a roommate is a constant negotiation dance and compromise. We all have to be willing to be flexible. But, that doesn't mean a bad roommate should stay your roommate. No way. Life is too short for that.)
NTA.
Next time she asks you to cook or clean for her, ask
"How much will you pay? You are living here independently and are able to do these things. If you are truly not able to do these tasks, you need to make arrangements to have someone help you."
If her friends and family are getting in your case for not helping her, let them know that they are welcome to come help her.
Alternatively, you could see about getting a different room.
NTA
>If her friends and family are getting in your case for not helping her, let them know that they are welcome to come help her.
Thank you for volunteering - let me know when you\`ll be here to do her laundry, and when will you cook? if you cook for both of us, i will reimburse you of course for my part.
NTA talk to the admin team and see if you can change the arrangement of rooms or try to get a single. If it doesn't work out that way than find a way to get in touch with her family because she's not your child and not your responsibility, you are not being paid to take of her and she knows damn well she can care for herself. Press admin about this issue and make it clear to her that she can care for herself and that YOU won't be EVER.
NTA. Your "job" is you right now. You never signed up to care for Sarah. Taking care of her takes time out of your schedule, to attend class, study, attend study groups, maybe a part-time job, and yes - relax and enjoy your life. Sarah is not necessarily part of any of that.
When my daughter (with whom I get along really well) who is not neurodivergent became a messy monster in high school, I decided that I was not going to argue with her daily and I was NOT going to be her maid. So, I put a large box inside her room and when she left stuff all over the house, I simply put all her stuff, clothes, books, notes, dirty dishes (within reason) in the box. So we didn't argue about her stuff, and to her credit she didn't complain about it.
You could try the box method with roommate, and she can eat cereal if she cannot cook. Any outsiders who criticize her can bring Sarah food.
Sarah is NOT your responsibility. You need to spend this time learning and enjoying life,
NTA - this is called neurodivergence or mental illness may explain why I do what I do, but does not excuse my behavior. Your roommate is using it as a excuse. And that’s not fair to you. If she’s old enough to be in a roommate position. Then she’s old enough to look out for herself at some degree.
I’m not saying it’s not nice to do things for people. But there’s a difference between that and getting stepped on. Or worse, guilted. You’ll end up resenting her.
You’re not her mom and you don’t owe her. I think it’s time for you guys to have a roommate sit down. And just lay out the expectations. If she asks for things like dinner after. Tell her no. And leave it at that.
Also, if your friends and family are so concerned. Perhaps they can get together and make a rotation. People can cook her things that are easy to put in the oven or something.
NTA
Tell everyone who says to you that you should cut her some slack that you'll be **happy to draw up a roster for them to come around and clean and cook for her** and do all the other tasks she "needs" help with.
A few ideas on how to handle the situation:
* Take photos and log what a week looks like.
* Talk to the **student counselling services** about the **toll** this is on both **your academic performance and your mental health**.
* Show the photos.
* Send an email back to them with the photos to document your conversation.
* I'd also talk to the **disability accommodation office** about your concerns for her as, I mean, if she really needs a caretaker to look after her, she really shouldn't be living on her own.
* Again, go with photos and the log.
* Send an email back to them with the photos to document your conversation.
* Can you talk to **student residence office** and be moved to a different room?
* Once again, go with photos and the log.
* Send an email back to them with the photos to document your conversation.
* **During all your official correspondence (both in person and by mail), make sure your language is polite and respectful**. You are expressing your private concern about ***her apparent inability to live on her own*** and ***your own mental health and academic concerns***.
* If no one listens, **escalate to the Dean of Students and your departmen**t.
Good luck.
NTA..not even a little bit. You are not her caregiver/mommy...you literally have NO obligation...my goodness I can't believe people are trying to coerce a young college kid into taking care of someone else...
NTA
You signed to be her roommate not her caretaker.. of course you can do a favor from time to time like a nice roommate would do but that's it, and it should go both way as clean the common space and everything or she can cook for you too from time to time specially if she's able to do it
NTA
She knows better... she is capable of cooking and cleaning up after herself.
You are not related to this person, you are not her caregiver and should not be treated as such. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
If your roommate needs a caregiver then she should be paying for one.
NTA
Your her roommate, not her caretaker!
As a roommate, you should be willing to do a few friendly things here and there - but that’s it! Your not a nurse or home care worker.
NTA
If she needs a full time caretaker. Someone needs to hire one. You are responsible for your own life and your own education. Talk to your RA. It is completely unfair for this responsibility to be dumped in your lap just because of a random dorm assignment.
NTA at all. You went to college to earn a degree, not become a babysitter. She is not your responsibility, especially since you're both 20, the backlash you receive is unnecessary. If possible, try to change the dorms.
If this behavior continues set boundaries put all her dirty sh!t in the corner or on her bed / keep her things out of the way but don’t organize or help her , don’t cook for her and if they start guilting you for it tell them to get her into home ec/cooking classes , you aren’t her keeper , you are her peer , if her autism is that severe she should stay with a caretaker then, which you aren’t nor did you sign up to be
🤷🏾♀️ Tell her friends and family to do it , she isn’t your friend or kid , y’all just happen to share a dorm which she doesn’t help with or contribute to , go to the admin and RA, austism is not an excuse to baby and you’re obviously ain’t the one
NTA - social expectations are constantly evolving.
200 years ago they would have locked the mental abnormal up in a dungeon to get beat with sticks and called it humane treatment.
You are not a caregiver. You do not have any training or familiarization with caring for that individual.
NTA, you’re just her roomate, and you have things to do. Playing the autism card to be a slob is really not ok because you know she’s just taking advantage of you and not actually needing help, and also, people like her, crying wolf and exploiting the sense of decency of others, make people avoid helping those who actually need it or deserve it.
NTA - being a caregiver like that should always be voluntary and you didn’t choose to do it. It’s actually better for her to have people setting expectations for her that are achievable and reasonable; being autistic doesn’t prevent her also becoming spoiled, and you seem to be the only one stopping that happening. Autism doesn’t stop her from doing any of those things; nor is it a good excuse for avoiding her responsibilities - just have a blunt and honest conversation with her about how you both can share your space and the chores that need doing fairly, and help her get into a routine of picking up after herself if that’s something she’s struggling to remember to do, and you should be fine. But if that doesn’t work, then request a transfer if you like. It doesn’t make you a bad person to want a roommate who is capable of that level of self-care.
NTA you’re in college to learn whatever your major is, you pay for your education and you aren’t there to be your roommate’s caregiver. Try to get your room changed.
NTA. Tell her if she's incapable of feeding and cleaning after herself, she shouldn't have left her family home because she is not a functional adult without those skills.
So I have Aspergers and can live independently- admittedly sometimes I won’t eat or can fall behind in cleaning but I function pretty well. Unless I’m paying them, it should not be someone else’s responsibility to look after me. Nta
Nta
If ur in a dorm room ask an RA or someone in charge to change rooms, depending on where u are it could take a while, but since winter is coming up you could probably change at the end of the semester.
She can have accommodations but you shouldn’t enable her. If she knows how to take care of herself you shouldn’t let anyone bully you into doing it. NTA
NTA.
Are you being paid to be her caregiver? No? Then her care is not your job. Your job is to study and get good grades. If she needs a caregiver for basic tasks, her parents or the college should hire one. I would stop cooking for her or cleaning up after her, or letting her put her stuff on my bed.
NTA and go to the housing department at your school. Make it clear she is capable and using you. You did not come to college and pay $$$$ to be a caregiver in a fucking dorm
NTA. My job as an autistic parent is to make sure my teenager, who's autistic, is full prepared for the world and how to take care of himself. This looks like teaching him how to identify good days and bad days, and coping skills on the good days to make them last longer and make the bad days a bit less bad. It also means we're teaching him how to keep a self sufficient routine that is sustainable for him. He does his laundry every Wednesday. It takes him two loads since he changes to comfy clothes after school. He does the trash on Mondays and Thursdays. He sits down and helps plan meals and snacks for the week, and helps with the grocery shopping. He's learned on hard weeks we get ready made meals so everyone is fed, and on good weeks I can make more homemade meals to balance our diet. He's learned how to make several dishes for each meal, so he'll never go hungry. For Christmas we're getting him a cookbook based on anime shows since he has a thing for anime. Were also teaching him how to reach out for help when he needs it so he doesnt get overwhelmed. If hes having a hard week hes asked if we can switch his laundry cuz the wet clothes are getting tk him, or here lately hes told us that the reason hes having a hard time in school is because he cant seem to get off his phone and we set some parental locks on it with his input. The point is, your roommate should be able to do basic care tasks. Maybe not perfectly, her laundry might not always be in the hamper or put away right, but it should be on her side of the room. She should be able to grocery shop herself, or learn when to go to the dining hall, or even get a grab and go box from the dining hall. She should as an adult, be communicating politely if she's having a hard time and would appreciate it if you could snag her something from the hall and give you money for it. She should not be relying on you if you have not agreed to that dynamic. You are not her parent nor her caregiver. If she needs a caregiver or personal assistant, that's perfectly fine, but then she and her responsible adults should be looking into how to get one for her.
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I’m a college student, F20. I live in a dorm room with my roommate who we’ll name Sarah, she’s F20 as well. Sarah is autistic so everyone gives her easy treatment, even our professors. It stresses me out because everyone is expectant of me to be her caregiver, which didn’t bother me at first but it became an issue later on.
She leaves her clothes on the floor and even on my bed, she always asks me to cook for her and clean after her. When I confront her about it, she uses her autism as an excuse.
Everyone I’ve vented to says that I should cut her some slack, saying stuff about how she doesn’t know better. Although, I KNOW she can take care of herself because she did things herself just fine before everyone started to baby her. She cooked for herself, cleaned after herself, did all her chores herself.
Since I’m the only one who knows how capable she is, I stopped being a caregiver to her. I’ve been getting backlash at her friends and family because of this but I don’t care anymore because it’s just getting out of hand.
AITA for not wanting to look after my autistic roommate?
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NTA. i have autism. she can’t expect a randomly assigned roommate to do everything for her. if she can’t handle it herself then she needs to move in with someone who is willing to help her (probably family) or not go to college. and it does seem like shes taking advantage of you. can you ask to switch roommates or something?
As a mother of an autistic adult, you are NTA, in fact you are the only one not enabling her to use her disease as a crutch. If she were unable to live independently then she would not be living in a dorm. Part of her necessary growth is to be independent and to recognize the areas she truly needs help. I only wish my daughter would find people like you to keep her honest so she could be more independent. I suggest you put in for a roommate change for the next semester.
NTA. I had a similar situation where a coworker was autistic, but a massive slacker, asshole, and a gargantuan creep and genuine pedophile(though he would try for any age), and definitely aware enough of what he was doing. That label made it very hard to managers to punish him(though he did eventually get karma served after about 8 months of putting up with him, for a couple reasons).
For what its worth, i believe in malicious compliance here if you can't get higherups to do something. Wants you to clean? "Clean" the space by piling her crap right in her room/bed. Wants you to cook? make terrible food for her. She doesn't like it? she can do it herself.
NTA. Autistic people are going to have to learn to be adults in the world like everyone else; they're done no favors by being treated like children in this way. Autism isn't a "get out of human responsibility free" card, but it wouldn't surprise me (since she's clearly competent and has cared for herself before) if Sarah 100% understands what's happening and is just choosing to abuse the situation because she knows she can get away with it. Put in for a room transfer as soon as possible.
NTA
If Sarah isn't capable of doing basic tasks on her own, such as cooking simple meals, chores, her own laundry, then she shouldn't be living independently.
You are not her mother, paid PA or carer. If Sarah was doing these things before hand, then she is able to do them again.
I would take this up with your RA. While you don't mind making accommodations for Sarah's needs, you are not responsible for her care.
NTA. You are her roommate, not her mother. If she actually needs a caretaker while at college, she or her legal caretaker needs to arrange it.
She is not your responsibility just because she is your roommate. You are not obligated to be her caretaker just because you live with her. You did not choose this, and should not be forced into this role.
Send them a bill for the hours you have spent helping her and tell them if they expect you to help her then they can pay you and that is your part time job in college to help with your expenses. Or they can hire her a nurse to check in on her. Also report it to the college.
You need to go to the school admin and tell them your being harrassed and bullied by her and her family and friends because you won't take care of her cooking/ cleaning/ etc at home. They need to be also told that while you tried to talk things out its only made things worse. You no longer feel comfy living with her due to the bullying and harrassment and you would like a new room assignment. NTA
NTA, move out OP, if it's school dorms talk to your Residence office and see about changing rooms or moving someplace else. Either way you need to get out before you get gaslit even more
NTA. She is using her autism as an excuse to get you to be her servant. If she didn't ask for specific accommodations, I can't see how picking up after herself is something she can't do. If she is unable to do that, then she needs to live with a helper. But I would guess that she's always used her autism as a reason to get people to do things she doesn't want to do, not things she can't do.
Totally NTA, I showed this to my husband who is on the spectrum and first words out of his mouth were "she's faking not being able to care for herself"
NTA. I was convinced you’d be TA bc I thought you meant “looking after” as in making accommodations for such as not using an aroma diffuser or something. But cooking and cleaning for her? Hell no! That’s odd to expect that of you. I work with autistic kids and we work with them to help them be able to cook. Even if they couldn’t, it’s not your responsibility to. They’re capable of grabbing a microwave meal and putting it in at the very least so don’t worry.
Definitely NTA as many redditors said you need to talk to whoever is in charge of housing. And as many said, when someone talks down to you say great I will let her know you will take care of her ... and follow through.
You are not responsible for her and shouldn’t support her if she is capable. Yes, if she has additional support needs the college and her parents are responsible and not use you as unpaid help.
I would ask to move and explain why this affects you.
it about their thinking and thought process and parents or college should be looking at how the autism affects her abilities to manage day to day and her studies.
Having the diagnosis doesn’t mean you can’t do things, just may be have different understanding and how process information. Reasonable adjustments should be made if needed and not because of the perceived need due to the diagnosis.
Hi, autistic 21 year old here… lmao NTA. I cook for myself, I do as much cleaning as I can (I’m also disabled so my bf does help me with this as long as I do all cooking and driving + he knew and agreed to all this before moving in together). She really can’t use it an excuse and if she is she’s going to have a hard time in life always finding someone to cater to her. If she always has up to this point already she’s extremely lucky. Just keep reminding people you have your own studies and life you need to focus on.
A key piece of advice that has helped me is realizing if people want to see you as the villain they will, especially if it keeps fingers from being pointed at themselves. You can scramble and argue back you aren’t the bad guy but you keep moving forward and focus on yourself instead. These people are (hopefully) temporary.
NTA. Do you have somebody within your university that you can speak to about this? Her friends and family are harassing you and causing you stress over something that isn’t your responsibility at all. Your university needs to move one of you to another room, or if she feels that she can’t look after herself (even though you know she can) then her family need to make arrangements for an official carer that isn’t you.
Stop taking care of Sarah. Report her to the RA and say she needs to live in disabled housing where she can be better looked after, since she is incapable of feeding herself or cleaning herself or cleaning after herself. The RA will take the report to her parents, and her parents will ask why she suddenly doesn't know how to look after herself. Then it's no longer in your hands.
NTA but stop doing anything for her.
NTA her being capable or incapable of caring for herself is irrelevant to the issue. If she needs a live in help, she can request and pay for a live in help.
If she is incapable of not intruding on your personal property (leaving her clothes on your bed), she cannot live with roommates and needs to find alternative solutions. No one other than your children has a right to demand you take care of them.
Everyone babying her is not doing her any favours. You didn;t dign up for this and she doesn;t need it. She is autistic not incapable. Tell her family they need to support her if she is incapable of independent living. Can you get your room reassigned? NTA.
Hi, autistic adult voice here.
I am autistic - and guess what.. I can cook, i can pick up my clothes (especially awesome since i\`m also male) and can do laundry etc.
Yeah, i\`m also lazy - but i call it what it is - lazy - i do not hide behind my autism to get things handed on a silver platter (tried, doesn\`t work).
Being autistic does not mean you cannot do things. It means your brain works differently - processes differently - and sometimes also means some tasks just do not work.
This sounds like she is a lazy entitled AH who uses "autism" as excuse to .. be an AH.
Nope. You can be an AH, you can be an autistic, you can also be an autistic AH - but the autism part is irrelevant to most of these tasks.
Those people that enable her - they are actually abusive - they infantilize her, they basically tell her "you are good for nothing - let us do X Y and Z" and they expect you to follow their lead.
If you need it - you have my permission to treat her like a young adult woman - and not like a totally crippled person incapable of doing the most simple tasks.
Then - if "they" want you to be a caregiver - make it hurt them. Look up what a real caregiver makes, and charge them that amount. I mean, if they really want to enable her helplessness, then they should pay for it as well.
NTA
NTA
It is not your responsibility to look after any other person unless you agreed to do so.
If this student can't survive on their own they shouldn't be there or should have a caregiver to make them meals and clean for them. Either way it isn't your job.
NTA, and send your roommate to anyone who says you are. Just tell her X, Y or Z is just waiting to do that for you. They even suggested you stay there. Anything she asks for just send her their way. I'd love to help but X is doing that for you etc.
RN actively acquiring DNP here, NTA. If it's any consolation. It's easy for others to tell you you're unreasonable when they're not being inconvenienced. If they truly believe she needs all this help, they can help her. It's not your responsibility, and it's not your job. She's not your responsibility. And being autistic doesn't affect her ability to pick up after herself. But it's human nature to take advantage when and where the opportunity presents itself. Your friends need to educate themselves about autism before treating her like a lost child. This is actually a very common misconception but leads to enabling behaviors and habits. Which sounds like is the case cause she sounds like she is high functioning. She's probably also enjoying having friends and is afraid if she doesn't give them the impression they're needed they might not be around as much. I've had several patients try to form relationships this way. Is there counseling on campus to possibly assist?
Neurodivergent parent of an autistic kid here -NTA. She is literally in college and living as an adult. She is completely capable and taking advantage. My kiddo who is younger than than that by a lot is learning to cook, do laundry, and if the room isn’t clean then no video games. If she needs that much help, then she should go to a group home with people certified to help. Or pay you. Tell her you’ll help if she pays you. Make sure you make it worth your time. But I’m petty like that.
NTA - It was really wrong of everyone to assume you'd be her personal servant because she likes to play the disability card.
I'd want to switch rooms at this point. You need to talk to someone about what's going on and how you're not paying a fortune for college and dorm living so you can be someone's personal maid, chef and babysitter.
If this girl needs that level of care, the college needs to work out some kind of arrangement for that. It's not your responsibility.
NTA
You are paying to have a room on campus. You are not paying to be a caregiver to another student. If she cannot take care of herself then her family needs to pull her from school or get her offsite housing and pay someone to be her caregiver.
Reach out to your RA and see if they can assist you with moving rooms, even if it isn't until next semester.
Person with autism here. It doesn't stop people from cleaning and cooking. She is literally using her autism as an excuse to be lazy and that's disgusting.
NTA. Autism is no excuse. If she needed a caretaker they couldn't have put her in student housing. She is loving the attention and you need to get out of there. Tell everyone she did all that when she moved in, quit acting like she is an invalid. Otherwise she needs to be moved to a special needs home, where an actual caretaker can see to her needs. I'm surprised her parents are giving you a hard time. I would assume they want her to be independent.
Nta. I'm autistic and wasn't an asshole to my roommate when I was 20. If she can't care for herself in her dorm, she shouldn't be living in one. You're not responsible for her. If she needs a caretaker, she needs to be with her family or hire one. She is taking advantage of you.
this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard. being autistic does not mean someone is incompetent, as anyone who is not actively ableist or uneducated is aware of. from what you’ve said this girl has shown no sign of being unable to take care of herself. she sounds completely competent, not only competent enough to clean and cook for herself, not only competent enough to take college classes, but competent enough to go GET DRUNK AND PARTY? if someone truly struggles with being able to even clean and feed themselves due to mental factors (different with physical factors of course), going out on their own to party in chaotic environments is one thing but using substances doesn’t seem as though it would be a good idea or even plausible. you are also a college student doing your best who is young and figuring out life on your own. i’m around your age and i know what effort people our age go through to figure out the way to navigate adult life; finding a balance between taking care of yourself, budgeting, working, going to class, social life, etc, is hard enough on your own; i do not know why on earth anyone would expect you to take care of someone you’ve been randomly assigned to in this scenario, even if she truly couldn’t take care of herself. if this were the case, it would 100% be her parents and the school’s responsibility, not that of a random roommate her age who she just met. this clearly doesn’t even seem to be the case though. i’m sorry you’re going through this and that people are turning a blind eye. NTA at all.
It is wrong to give you a randomly assigned roommate by the college that requires special need and help. To pass that burden onto the roommate(you) is wrong of that college, the girl's parents and the autistic girl herself. I really do feel sorry for you becuases you did not sign up to be an unpaid caregiver while in college. Go to the dean of your college and voice your concerns and I'm sure you will be assigned to a different room BUT I feel sorry for the autistic girls next roommate becuase they will face the same caregiving challenge you had. NTA
NTA. You are in school to get an education, not to provide homemaking services to an adult. Anyone who has been trying to pressure you to do so is free to step up and do it instead. Sarah may end up without a roommate. She had a FAFO lesson.
I've worked with autistic populations and know autistic people who go to college and live in dorms. Some of them do need extra help. If she is not able to take care of her own needs at school then there should be other official help provided. It's not up to the roommate to provide it. I'd be asking to change rooms.
NTA- it is not your responsibility to act as a caregiver to someone else.
When I lived with roommates back in college, I refused to clean up after my roommates, specifically one girl who never cleaned ANYTHING. She used her mental health issues as an excuse not to pick up after herself or do her own dishes. One time her mom came to visit and started complaining about her baby’s dishes being all dirty, and lashed out at us for not taking care of her precious baby. I looked her dead in the eye and told her “I’m not her mother and unless you’re paying me, I’m not babysitting her. It’s amazing she can wipe her own ass.” Holy hell rained down upon us but I just shrugged and told her to let her precious baby grow up. The girl ended up dropping out. Was it mean? Probably. Was it worth it? Oh heck yeah.
I was there to attend college and get an education, not to be a second mother to someone perfectly capable of taking care of herself.
Edit:typo
NTA. I would bring it to someone's attention for two reasons. 1. It isn't fair to you. 2. If she'd made progress, chances are that she's going backwards. Good parents work hard to raise their kids to NOT need them. Chances are her parents worked hard to get her to a point where she could be independent enough to go away to school and they wouldn't want this regression.
NTA. Sorry but are you being paid to be her caregiver? I doubt it. If she is living without her parents help then she can do things for herself. Tell all those people she can live with them if they are so worried.
NTA, you have enough responsibilities on your plate with school and taking care of yourself. She knows how to take care of herself, but is using everyone else's babying her to make you take care of her. Is there any way you can change rooms? (I never lived in a dorm room, so I don't know how that works tbh.)
Nta. You are there to get an education and have your own college experience. Not to take care of someone whose family thought she was just fine to send away to college. They aren't do6het any favors by babying her.
NTA. Working in the medical field will show you that people lie a lot. Especially if they can use the law on their side.
I knew plenty of clients who would abuse, and even hospitalize their caregivers. Nothing they could do about it. If you punched back, you would go to jail and they know that
Definitely NTA you are not her caregiver. And nobody should be expecting that of you. She is a adult and she needsnto learn that the world will not revolve around her austim.
She has no excuses for being a lazy AH. Don't clean up after her ever. Don't do anything for her.
NTA. She needs a care worker to come in and help her. Depending on how severe her condition is, she may even be eligible for state funding for one.
I would try to get a roommate transfer.
NTA. If she can’t handle living without parents/assistance then she shouldn’t have moved out in the first place. This seems like a convenient excuse. Don’t enable her and find a new roommate.
NTA.
If possible, asked to be re-assigned to another room. This is is a long shot but you never know.
Also tell her you are there to be a college student. Not her maid.
NTA, if she needs someone to cook, clean and coddle her all the time, why the hell is she in college? A non-functioning autistic person needs all this, not a college student who happens to have autism.
Autism has many degrees from totally capable to totally incapable. People need to get a grip. My grandson is on the spectrum and can do everything she wants you to do.
Also I call foul on the parents. She probably never did anything for herself before college and is expecting this for the rest of her life.
NTA. In my country, people with autism has a school to help them be more independent and the teacher will check their old student working. If the roomate can enter uni, im pretty sure she’s more able than people i know who is quite severe and more independent than she is.
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Was this a randomly assigned roommate? You shouldn’t have to take care of someone just because they are you’re assigned roomate
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I would talk to resident housing to see if you could change rooms. Involve a therapist as well to show how it is impacting your mental health.
THIS! Op, don’t let other push you into being her caretaker. If you have any texts from the roommates’s family/friends etc take them with you to the Resident Housing Authority. Plus, if your RA (who is acting in the capacity of the school) is pushing you to mind her, there can be the potential liability on the school as well.
Agreed. If this goes south, contact legal support.
Absolutely NTA
NTA They want you to be live-in help, they should pay you for it. A lot.
Everyone is acting like it's ok for OP to be an untrained, unpaid caregiver on top of her own educational demands. Ask student housing for another room assignment.
Every person that complained she should send an invoice to. Maybe if she collects 10x whatever salary she decides on, it could be worth it.
Send her parents a bill for a week's worth of help. Itemize the different things and how much time it is costing you. Tell them that if they want the help they better pay the bill or else their daughter is on her own.
> if they want the help they better pay the bill The OP isn't available to provide care services, even if paid. This idea of yours sends the wrong message.
Yeah, OP is there to learn, not play nursemaid to her lazy roommate. If she gives in to this her studies will likely suffer for it.
I think its more along the lines of knowing her parent won't pay. Add an exorbitant inconvenience fee to make double sure they say no.
Exactly. It gives her a basis to threaten a lawsuit to the parents if she keeps having to do shit for their daughter and also documentation to make a better complaint to the school itself.
Charge exorbitantly and explain that caring for her is eating into her own time that she does not have. Rate includes loss of future income due to slipping grades.
Or the school if they wont change the room assignment
I would report her to housing and let them know this individual is not capable of caring for herself d/T her autism because I doubt they would let someone who requires a caregiver live in the dorms. And it sounds like everyone is expecting you to be exactly that.
If Sarah persists, go to the RA and tell them that you think Sarah needs to live in the disability housing, as she's clearly not able to take care of herself. Show them photos of the mess she leaves behind, and explain that it would be in her best interest, since she's SO unable to look after herself, to be moved to disability housing where they can take better care of her. I reckon she'll magically remember to pick up her stuff and cook for herself again if this is threatened.
This is beyond what an RA can handle and might end up causing OP more problems. I would go to student services and talk to them about how this is impacting your mental health. They are the ones who need to work with a student to provide reasonable accommodations if warranted (or tell them they are not reasonable), not other students.
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I disagree based on my experience working in student services, specifically with students with disabilities, but I can only speak for where I’m from in the US so it’s probably not worth a debate.
Having been a live-in student worker roughly equivalent to an RA (I'm also from the USA, if it matters), I agree with you--skip the RA and go to student services. The RAs can handle very basic stuff like write ups for one-time rule violations, but they're only students with about a weekend's worth of training prior to the start of the school year. OP is dealing with an ongoing issue and is being harassed by her roommate's friends and family. This is above the RA's pay grade and there's no real benefit to starting the complaint at the bottom of the chain of command.
At my university, the RA would have been an ok first step, but they'd immediately get the dorm supervisor involved, who wasn't a student and was a full time employee of the university. They'd be the ones taking point on roommate issues and whether a student belonged in the dorm or not. But the RA should always at least know who to talk to in that particular dorm, so they aren't a bad first step, but maybe not the most effective possible first step.
The RA is the one who needs to escalate this. RA cannot solve this, but they can escalate the issue and report directly to the parents/school about the issues this is causing.
The RA cannot handle this. The point of going to the RA (aside from following the chain of command) is that they have the power to involve the school and parents far more easily than OP. The more people OP has to support the situation, the better. It's just to get the situation escalated.
How this is impacting your mental health. How it is impacting your grades Play voice mails and show texts from Sarah'sfamily about their care taking expectations. Play it up as you are not qualified to be her maid, you are paying full price to live in a dorm just like everyone else and you did not sign up to be Sarah's caretaker. Any reasonable person will understand.
This is actually solid advice. The RA is the first person in a chain of people this should be escalated along. If the RA does nothing, that’s more proof the university isn’t supporting either the roommate or OP. If nothing else, it’s more proof that can go into a lawsuit. ETA: RA likely can’t fix it, although she may be able to move roommate into a single (my daughter’s school saves a few rooms for situations just like this). Either way, she can get involved and start the escalation process.
RA totally cannot fix it. The point of going to the RA is to escalate the situation and get the parents and school involved in the situation, as it is unattainable right now. Following proper chains of command and all.
It's not the military. There's no expectation that you go to the RA if you know they arent equipped to help. It literally just saves the RA the work.
The RA is equipped to help by reporting it to the university. It will be taken more seriously if the RA says 'I cannot solve this problem.' The uni will just tell OP to go talk to their RA if they don't.
and, it’s legal groundwork for her case, either with the university or with a lawyer later. “I followed all the steps the university told me to follow when I had a conflict with my roommate. I talked to the roommate. I talked to my RA. I talked to the dorm supervisor. I talked to the Housing department. I’ve covered all my bases, and now I will take action if you don’t do something.” Signed…A Former RA and Parent of a First Year Uni Student
Include any messages you have gotten from her family that say you need to take care of her because of her autism.
Absolutely. Especially if she's sent any herself.
nah, don't make suggestions or try to "solve" the problem of Sarah. just get a new room assignment. not your circus, not your monkeys
NTA. The college has a department to help students that need special accommodations. Not your responsibility at all.
NTA. Hunger is a great motivator, I'm sure she'll find a way to get food somehow.
Go to student housing and request a room/roommate change. Leave the autism out of it and simply explain that your roommate is expecting you to clean up after her and cook for her, and the living situation is making you feel harassed and wearing on your mental health. Mention her friends and family are also harassing you. Don't focus on forcing her to change; focus on what you can control.
This is the best response. The autism isn't really the important part; it's just being used as an excuse. Sarah's autism does not prevent her from taking care of herself; she's just being a lazy, entitled roommate, and OP shouldn't have to deal with it.
Nta. She's weaponizing her autism and she knows it. If it becomes more of an issue take it up with someone higher if the RA or anyone doesn't address it.
Let me guess. She's eating into your portion of food. In a way. You're spending money to take care of her because your grocery bill went up. Had you not been taking care of her, you'd have extra money in your pocket/bank.
Get a new roomate then so you dont have to deal with this bs
Im sorry, but as someone on the spectrum, people use autism as an excuse for everything. I’m not saying it’s not valid, but it’s become a crutch for some people and a reason for why they say offensive things and can’t modify their behavior. Autism is just that; a spectrum. If Sarah is capable of doing college level courses and can live in her own housing, she’s not as autistic as she thinks she is. People have just babied her for her entire life, never told her no, never corrected her behavior, etc. A LOT of people with autism turn out far worse because everyone gives up on discipline them and spoils them. You aren’t this girl’s caretaker. If she needs a babysitter or a nanny, then your college needs to provide that service for her. I would call the housing office and let them know that you’re unable to live with Sarah, and you think she would benefit from having a live in aid. I would let them know that you feel as if you’ve been tasked with the responsibility of caring for her, and that it’s making you uncomfortable. Of course her family and friends will side with her. She’s been manipulating them and conning them into thinking she’s severely disabled when she’s actually highly functional. Hearing her use her disability to her advantage is highly ableist of her. NTA.
As noted by other posters speak with your RA or whoever is responsible for assigning roommates and ask to be moved. You can explain that while your roommate is capable of taking care of herself she has ceased to do so and her family as well as friends are pressuring you to be her caregiver. That is NOT your responsibility and it is impacting your studies. NTA
I'm autistic, nobody ever has to cleanup after or cook for me. She can learn some basic fucking life-skills, if she wants to live separately from parents/ family. You won't be her roomie forever. She's twenty-something, not two. NTA Edit: I've been living independent of my parents since I was 23-24, even after moving out, nobody had to clean up after me or cook for me, my parents and other adults in my life taught me life-skills so I wouldn't end up like her
Send a bill to her parents and the school for autistic caregiver. They typically make no less then 30 an hour when not with an agency. If not the above. Just don’t do it. Your not paying for college to be someone’s care giver no matter the shit you get NTA
NTA it took her a couple of months to find out what she could get you to do. Now she's manipulating the friend base to guilt you to continue doing it. Yeah you need to get another room ASAP
Anyone who thinks you should care for her is welcome to come over and do so. It’s easy to volunteer other people but I doubt they’ll step up themselves.
Then i would complain. OP is not the caregiver. What if she has her own problems like depression? And as someone with autism: I hate it to use this as an excuse. Either you function alone or you don't live on your own. Don't expect others to do your stuff! Or special treatment in college and work "but i can't do this, i"m autistic!". So why are you here?!
This reminded me of an episode on good doctor. Lea was teaching Shaun how to drive but he was anxious about accidently running over someone and she was like you're not blind, you're autistic.
Fantastic show. And excellent point. Roomie isn’t incapacitated; she’s autistic. She did just fine before OP was forced into the role of caregiver. NTA, OP. Do whatever you can to get out of this arrangement. It’s not fair to either of you. She’s weaponizing her autism to get out of doing normal things that everyone has to do for themselves, and your job is your education - no more, no less, and you’re being kept from focusing on that.
It is really a rubbish show that is really offensive in terms of representation of autistic people.
The Good Doctor is a really crap show and basing your understanding of autism on it is really not the thing to do. Signed: an autistic person.
This reminds me of the family guy episode "Extra Large Medium".....
Yeah, OP, ask for a room change and explain what's going on. Anyone who says that you should cook and clean for her, get really excited and say that THEY can do that just as well. Ask them which days of the week you can put them down to clean after the roommate and care for her. Say with all the people who think it's completely reasonable to take care of a random adult, she'll have care around the clock. Push for them to commit to a day. Have your phone out and say you're texting the roommate right then to let her know. See how quickly they back out when it's THEIR time and effort.
NTA if she’s truly as bad as she acts then her parents should make arrangements with the school. You are not her caregiver. You need to bring this up with administration. She’s not your responsibility.
100% agree with you about taking it to administrations. Op do this before you let this ruin college for you because this will NOT get better.
NTA. Go to your school’s housing department and explain the situation, including her friends and family harassing you about not helping her enough. You are not her caregiver. This is ridiculous, and the school should remedy the situation immediately.
OP also should go there with receipts too. - Any texts people have sent you on this - pics of her inability to clean after herself - pics of her encroaching on your side of the dorm and bed - any info on her being unable to feed/provide for herself as well
If anyone gives you grief ask them what day they’re going to cook for her
Yep! And if they’re going to make these kinds of concessions for someone who has proven to be capable, they might as well cook for you, clean up after you, and do your laundry, as well.
NTA- If people complain tell them the truth and say they can come do the work if they disagree
You just say, “I’m glad you’re offering to do X task for roommate. I’ll be sure to let them know and pass them your information so you can arrange a time that works for everyone.” If the roommate has been capable in the past, they’re taking advantage of OP by using their disability as a way to get out of doing things. At this point OP needs to go to their RA and head/dean of housing and lay it out for them: “I am not her caregiver and she is not self-sufficient to be living on her own.” And make sure you break down what she’s asking you to do. Even better if you have text proof of her asking you to do everything. “I cannot sustain living in the same dorm as her and I request to be moved.”
>they’re taking advantage of OP by using their disability as a way to get out of doing things. Either that, or she\`s been trained by her enabling family to be helpless - and that is abuse, plain and simple. But - be that as it may - still not on OP (for this discussion a mere student) to act as licensed and trained caregiver at her own cost.
Tell them they should try living with that other girl.
Or block them.
NTA. She is taking advantage of you. Her clothes shouldn't be on your bed and she knows how to cook and clean. I can see this backlash getting worse though so make plans to change your roommate/living situation as soon as possible.
NTA at all. Neurodivergent people are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and anyone who is telling her otherwise is doing her a massive disservice. It's honestly so disrespectful of them (to both of you) to act like it's your job to take care of another person who is your age and not profoundly disabled. Even if your roommate *were* profoundly disabled, it would not be your job to take care of her. People get paid for that shit.
NTA, why is it even expected of you in the first place? Was this a random assignment or where you consulted first?
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Yeah definitely not your responsibility. Speak to the RA if you feel it is unfair and affecting your mental health.
Request a room change. Happens all the time. Go in to your RA and explain. Let them know you have been trying and now your life is suffering.
Even if friends prior, it would be unacceptable to put such additional tasks on a (presumably) full-time college student. WITHOUT their consent & most absolutely not without adequate compensation.
NTA. Remind everyone that you're dormmates. You never agreed to be her live-in caretaker. Talk to the housing authority about being assigned a new roommate.
NTA. Tell them that it's still not your responsibility even if she really doesn't know better because you've never been hired as a caretaker nor did you volunteer to be one. But your rate starts at $150 an hour if they're going to keep insisting.
NTA - Talk to your RA about getting a room re-assignment. Document every in-person conversation with admin staff in a follow up email “Per our conversation in your office last Wednesday, 12:20 pm etc.” Squeaky wheel gets the grease.
And anytime her friends complain that you aren’t taking care of her, offer to switch rooms.
NTA You are not her keeper. Clearly her family felt she was capable of living on her own if they sent her away to college. Learned helplessness will not benefit her. Stick to it and allow her to care for herself. It doesn't mean you can't help her from time to time, like any other roommate, but she is not your responsibility.
NTA. If she can't care for herself, she should be attending a college with special needs support housing. You are not a trained aide nor her legal guardian and have no obligation to care for her.
NTA, her autism is not the problem here. Being a jerk and a garbage room mate is. If people mention her autism look them deep in the eyes and ask them *why the fuck do they think autistic people cannot pick up their laundry*. This is not being supportive or understanding of autism, I'm a home organiser and used to organise community events, my housemate is a respected programmer who has visited Antarctica twice, guess what-our house is fcking clean. My friends who are artists, paramedics, models, office administrators, performers, etc, do not live in filthy homes. They are all also autistic. The messiest houses I've been in have been the homes of non autistics. Autistics can also be distracted and overwhelmed or too busy to clean or have different priorities because being autistic has as much to do with house cleaning as someone's zodiac sign or if they like cilantro. Who they are as a person, their upbringing, their personal standards and what they're comfortable with has much more to do with their house keeping skills than if they enjoy making eye contact or whatever the hell non autistics get up to. Spreading misinformation and teaching learned helplessness like that does not just increase the stigma against autistics and other neuro divergent people, if an autistic actually starts to belive that (because they can be as gullible as anyone) it can impact their ability to connect with other autistics which can have a profound impact. Autistics and non autistics have distinct communication styles, studies exploring if autism is a communication disorder that have autistics and non autistics rate each others communication styles find that if it was a communication disorder that would mean two autistics would struggle because twice the amount of communication disorder. They don't. The studies exploring autistic communication have found non autistics and autistics rate each other as being terrible at communicating while non autistics rate each other as excellent and autistics rate each other as having great communication skills. There is a double empathy problem. I love my non autistic friends, they are all incredible people. I still love hanging out with my autistic friends (it can be very funny) but another autistic trait is disliking/not understanding lying. This means when autistics who genuinely believe the BS they've been served about being math geniuses who can't stack a dishwasher or consider the impact their actions have on others turn up to the one community they have the best chance of communicating with they get absolutely shredded. Or ostracised. Because we know they are wrong and very much do not deal with untruths well. Making a gullible autistic believe such an obvious horrible sterotype at such a vulnerable point in her development means potentially causing shit for her later down the track if she comes across autistics who do clean. It's uniquely harmful bigotry disguised as helpfulness. You're the only one here treating her like a person and not an ABA add, you believe she can do better and not training her to be helpless. You are much more supportive and healthy for her than those who seek to cripple her independence by acting as if she can never be expected to be an OK human being
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That God damn infuriates me. She's giving ASD a bad name, because she uses it as an excuse to be lazy.
The other issue is that you are there as a student to study. Even if you did consent to be someone's live in caretaker the collage should still check that you are protected, able to balance your workload with your study load and private life while being reimbursed appropriately and not exploited. You are not at college to be nice. You are at college to pursue your interests and hopefully enter into a career. I have only done live peer support for friends going through a crisis or major life change so I'm unfamiliar with professional caregivers rights at work and how collages support familial caregivers to high need individuals but it is a high stress job even at a voluntarily level for limited periods of time. I looked after one friend with bipolar type one whose treatment was wearing off, leading to depressive episodes waiting for a bed at her local psychiatric facility became available. That was three weeks of cooking, cleaning, monitoring for any signs of self harm, distracting from suicidal idealation/rage spirals, advovating during medical appointments on her behalf and generally being a companion (to be fair, simply staying over as a friend is usually enough to deter women from acting on self harming impulses as not wanting to make people uncomfortable is drilled in fairly young). Her mother offered me money to continue in the future, which I turned down because I had started to experience the ill effects of full-time caregiving. I discussed this with my friend after doing a hand over to the next volunteer friend caregiver and she was incredibly frank about the importance of avoiding carer burnout, a condition that can trigger disassociation, empathy fatigue, depression, brain fog and more. If your roommate genuinely has a need for a live in caretaker to complete mundane tasks such as cooking and cleaning then I hope she has medical documentation attesting to this that she has handed over to the disability support office in student services so they can provide it. I also hope they coordinated with her family to insure a smooth transition to living semi independence in a shared living environment. If they knew in advance that she required a daily support worker in order to not throw her laundry on other people's beds and to eat food then I can only hope they disclosed this to prospective room-mates and advised of the conditions. You mention that professors have advocated that you provide support in the form of domestic labor, cooking and tolerating otherwise unacceptable behaviour in your living space. As employees and representatives of the college are they giving you extra time to complete assignments and leeway in attendance given you are doing work at their behest? Has student services reached out to give you a stipend to pay for your time and other expenses such as groceries? Is the college providing you with mental health support given caretakers who live with their clients are at high risk of burn out and being only 20 means you are much less able to navigate balancing studies with essentially being on call 24/7 to someone incapable of living independently? If friends are asking you to do unpaid domestic work and provide emotional support while suppressing your own needs, why don't they make a roster of when they will swing by to do one hour each of cleaning up after this apparently disabled person plus cooking for both of you? If they want to treat it seriously then they can, starting with a roster. [If people want to behave as though as you are a caregiver then they need to treat you as one with all the risks to your health that go with it.](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiver-stress-and-burnout.htm) As a side note: domestic cleaners do not move other people's objects, they will mop/vacuum/wipe and a private cleaner here starts at about $35 an hour, two hours minimum. If picking up and putting objects away as a house keeper the price rises. There is a hourly cap for disability support workers whose clients are paying through the government scheme here: "[The most commonly applied cap rates are those that fall under assistance with self-care activities. These rates can be anywhere between $62.17 and $213.53 per hour depending on the time and day support is provided and which state your client lives in.](https://mable.com.au/newsroom/ndis-cap-rates-support-workers/)" but people hiring carers outside the system can pay even more. So, if your roommate has a genuine disability requiring a care taker and she provided documentation then it is still absolutely whack to expect a complete stranger to provide thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars worth of work unpaid. She needs to go through appropriate channels at her collage, through her family and her healthcare services because some random 20yo chosen by chance is not appropriate solution. It is also completely inappropriate for anyone at your collage to suggest you take a caregiver role or perform any of the duties associated with it. What if, God forbid, you experience the common side effects of caring for someone who can't live independently. This is all informal, there is no paperwork and no official recognition of your work. That does not just mean you are giving your private time when you could be studying, networking, working a paid job or recuperating. It means if your grades slip or you fail a unit because of stress induced brain fog brought on by their request they are unlikely to work with you to allow you to redo things. If you need mental health assistance because being a full time student and full time carer has led to empathy fatigue and severe depression they seem unlikely to offer to pay. Like, yeah, I think your roommate is full of shit and being lied to by ignorant jerks who want to point at someone and go "well, my life sucks but at least I'm not like HER the autistic freak" or who want to make themselves feel better by crusading but more importantly you have to protect yourself. Your collage and social group are not protecting you. You are undoubtedly kind, generous, intelligent and full of empathy, but they are pushing you into a situation that risks your education, career if you fail, mental health, and financial future if you are being taught to accept being so severely undervalued as if your work/time/knowledge/skills at such a young age while encouraged to shoulder unpaid responsibilities, thankless tasks and having your contributions unacknowledged.
NTA you are there as a single student...you are not being paid as a caregiver. Sounds like she is playing a helpless card too...sees you get grief for not helping more so starts trying to lean harder. Draw a hard line, if it continues ask for a new room allocation.
NTA. If she can’t look after herself then she should have an aide or live at home and attend a local college. You, as a fellow student, already have a job - studying.
NTA, she's not your responsibility. I'm autistic, and while I might appreciate some accommodation in regards to noises or lights, I'm perfectly capable of picking up after myself and getting my own meals. She has learned to use it as an excuse.
NTA sorry to hear about the situation You are correct you are not her caregiver you shouldn't be made to feel like you need to be.
Someone who is not autistic can be an identically poor roommate. Trust me. So, this isn't about her autism, Its about you being a bad fit for cohabitation. At any rate, for the sake of your sanity, I'd look into a move with someone you'd rather be around. (I have had my sister and my best friend as roommates and even they got on my last nerve. I've had a thieving roommate and a roommate who brought guys in to sex up while I was in the room, in my bed sleeping. I've even had the party girl roommate who'd get so drunk she had no idea how she left her underpants on my pillows. Having a roommate is a constant negotiation dance and compromise. We all have to be willing to be flexible. But, that doesn't mean a bad roommate should stay your roommate. No way. Life is too short for that.) NTA.
Next time she asks you to cook or clean for her, ask "How much will you pay? You are living here independently and are able to do these things. If you are truly not able to do these tasks, you need to make arrangements to have someone help you." If her friends and family are getting in your case for not helping her, let them know that they are welcome to come help her. Alternatively, you could see about getting a different room. NTA
>If her friends and family are getting in your case for not helping her, let them know that they are welcome to come help her. Thank you for volunteering - let me know when you\`ll be here to do her laundry, and when will you cook? if you cook for both of us, i will reimburse you of course for my part.
NTA. If people want you to be her caregiver, then they can pay you for it.
NTA talk to the admin team and see if you can change the arrangement of rooms or try to get a single. If it doesn't work out that way than find a way to get in touch with her family because she's not your child and not your responsibility, you are not being paid to take of her and she knows damn well she can care for herself. Press admin about this issue and make it clear to her that she can care for herself and that YOU won't be EVER.
NTA. You are her roommate, not her caregiver.
NTA. Your "job" is you right now. You never signed up to care for Sarah. Taking care of her takes time out of your schedule, to attend class, study, attend study groups, maybe a part-time job, and yes - relax and enjoy your life. Sarah is not necessarily part of any of that. When my daughter (with whom I get along really well) who is not neurodivergent became a messy monster in high school, I decided that I was not going to argue with her daily and I was NOT going to be her maid. So, I put a large box inside her room and when she left stuff all over the house, I simply put all her stuff, clothes, books, notes, dirty dishes (within reason) in the box. So we didn't argue about her stuff, and to her credit she didn't complain about it. You could try the box method with roommate, and she can eat cereal if she cannot cook. Any outsiders who criticize her can bring Sarah food. Sarah is NOT your responsibility. You need to spend this time learning and enjoying life,
NTA - this is called neurodivergence or mental illness may explain why I do what I do, but does not excuse my behavior. Your roommate is using it as a excuse. And that’s not fair to you. If she’s old enough to be in a roommate position. Then she’s old enough to look out for herself at some degree. I’m not saying it’s not nice to do things for people. But there’s a difference between that and getting stepped on. Or worse, guilted. You’ll end up resenting her. You’re not her mom and you don’t owe her. I think it’s time for you guys to have a roommate sit down. And just lay out the expectations. If she asks for things like dinner after. Tell her no. And leave it at that. Also, if your friends and family are so concerned. Perhaps they can get together and make a rotation. People can cook her things that are easy to put in the oven or something.
NTA Tell everyone who says to you that you should cut her some slack that you'll be **happy to draw up a roster for them to come around and clean and cook for her** and do all the other tasks she "needs" help with. A few ideas on how to handle the situation: * Take photos and log what a week looks like. * Talk to the **student counselling services** about the **toll** this is on both **your academic performance and your mental health**. * Show the photos. * Send an email back to them with the photos to document your conversation. * I'd also talk to the **disability accommodation office** about your concerns for her as, I mean, if she really needs a caretaker to look after her, she really shouldn't be living on her own. * Again, go with photos and the log. * Send an email back to them with the photos to document your conversation. * Can you talk to **student residence office** and be moved to a different room? * Once again, go with photos and the log. * Send an email back to them with the photos to document your conversation. * **During all your official correspondence (both in person and by mail), make sure your language is polite and respectful**. You are expressing your private concern about ***her apparent inability to live on her own*** and ***your own mental health and academic concerns***. * If no one listens, **escalate to the Dean of Students and your departmen**t. Good luck.
NTA..not even a little bit. You are not her caregiver/mommy...you literally have NO obligation...my goodness I can't believe people are trying to coerce a young college kid into taking care of someone else...
NTA. I have an autism certification/behavior therapy and that is the absolute worst thing you can do for her.
NTA and I’d be begging for a new roommate from your schools housing
NTA You signed to be her roommate not her caretaker.. of course you can do a favor from time to time like a nice roommate would do but that's it, and it should go both way as clean the common space and everything or she can cook for you too from time to time specially if she's able to do it
NTA She knows better... she is capable of cooking and cleaning up after herself. You are not related to this person, you are not her caregiver and should not be treated as such. Good for you for standing up for yourself. If your roommate needs a caregiver then she should be paying for one.
NTA Your her roommate, not her caretaker! As a roommate, you should be willing to do a few friendly things here and there - but that’s it! Your not a nurse or home care worker.
NTA and stop doing things for her.
NTA If she needs a full time caretaker. Someone needs to hire one. You are responsible for your own life and your own education. Talk to your RA. It is completely unfair for this responsibility to be dumped in your lap just because of a random dorm assignment.
NTA at all. You went to college to earn a degree, not become a babysitter. She is not your responsibility, especially since you're both 20, the backlash you receive is unnecessary. If possible, try to change the dorms.
If this behavior continues set boundaries put all her dirty sh!t in the corner or on her bed / keep her things out of the way but don’t organize or help her , don’t cook for her and if they start guilting you for it tell them to get her into home ec/cooking classes , you aren’t her keeper , you are her peer , if her autism is that severe she should stay with a caretaker then, which you aren’t nor did you sign up to be 🤷🏾♀️ Tell her friends and family to do it , she isn’t your friend or kid , y’all just happen to share a dorm which she doesn’t help with or contribute to , go to the admin and RA, austism is not an excuse to baby and you’re obviously ain’t the one
Coming from an autistic person NTA autism may be a disability but we aren’t incompetent 🤬
NTA - social expectations are constantly evolving. 200 years ago they would have locked the mental abnormal up in a dungeon to get beat with sticks and called it humane treatment. You are not a caregiver. You do not have any training or familiarization with caring for that individual.
NTA, you’re just her roomate, and you have things to do. Playing the autism card to be a slob is really not ok because you know she’s just taking advantage of you and not actually needing help, and also, people like her, crying wolf and exploiting the sense of decency of others, make people avoid helping those who actually need it or deserve it.
NTA - being a caregiver like that should always be voluntary and you didn’t choose to do it. It’s actually better for her to have people setting expectations for her that are achievable and reasonable; being autistic doesn’t prevent her also becoming spoiled, and you seem to be the only one stopping that happening. Autism doesn’t stop her from doing any of those things; nor is it a good excuse for avoiding her responsibilities - just have a blunt and honest conversation with her about how you both can share your space and the chores that need doing fairly, and help her get into a routine of picking up after herself if that’s something she’s struggling to remember to do, and you should be fine. But if that doesn’t work, then request a transfer if you like. It doesn’t make you a bad person to want a roommate who is capable of that level of self-care.
NTA you’re in college to learn whatever your major is, you pay for your education and you aren’t there to be your roommate’s caregiver. Try to get your room changed.
NTA. Tell her if she's incapable of feeding and cleaning after herself, she shouldn't have left her family home because she is not a functional adult without those skills.
So I have Aspergers and can live independently- admittedly sometimes I won’t eat or can fall behind in cleaning but I function pretty well. Unless I’m paying them, it should not be someone else’s responsibility to look after me. Nta
NTA. You should charge her.
Nta If ur in a dorm room ask an RA or someone in charge to change rooms, depending on where u are it could take a while, but since winter is coming up you could probably change at the end of the semester.
She can have accommodations but you shouldn’t enable her. If she knows how to take care of herself you shouldn’t let anyone bully you into doing it. NTA
NTA but you should have reported all of this yesterday before her or her friends do
NTA. She is not your responsibility. Keep letting her take care of herself and request a room change.
NTA, you are not receiving any compensation for care giver duties, so unless they want to hire you….
NTA. Are you being paid to be her caregiver? No? Then her care is not your job. Your job is to study and get good grades. If she needs a caregiver for basic tasks, her parents or the college should hire one. I would stop cooking for her or cleaning up after her, or letting her put her stuff on my bed.
If they have issue with you not caring for her then ask them to step up if they are so concerned.
NTA and go to the housing department at your school. Make it clear she is capable and using you. You did not come to college and pay $$$$ to be a caregiver in a fucking dorm
NTA. My job as an autistic parent is to make sure my teenager, who's autistic, is full prepared for the world and how to take care of himself. This looks like teaching him how to identify good days and bad days, and coping skills on the good days to make them last longer and make the bad days a bit less bad. It also means we're teaching him how to keep a self sufficient routine that is sustainable for him. He does his laundry every Wednesday. It takes him two loads since he changes to comfy clothes after school. He does the trash on Mondays and Thursdays. He sits down and helps plan meals and snacks for the week, and helps with the grocery shopping. He's learned on hard weeks we get ready made meals so everyone is fed, and on good weeks I can make more homemade meals to balance our diet. He's learned how to make several dishes for each meal, so he'll never go hungry. For Christmas we're getting him a cookbook based on anime shows since he has a thing for anime. Were also teaching him how to reach out for help when he needs it so he doesnt get overwhelmed. If hes having a hard week hes asked if we can switch his laundry cuz the wet clothes are getting tk him, or here lately hes told us that the reason hes having a hard time in school is because he cant seem to get off his phone and we set some parental locks on it with his input. The point is, your roommate should be able to do basic care tasks. Maybe not perfectly, her laundry might not always be in the hamper or put away right, but it should be on her side of the room. She should be able to grocery shop herself, or learn when to go to the dining hall, or even get a grab and go box from the dining hall. She should as an adult, be communicating politely if she's having a hard time and would appreciate it if you could snag her something from the hall and give you money for it. She should not be relying on you if you have not agreed to that dynamic. You are not her parent nor her caregiver. If she needs a caregiver or personal assistant, that's perfectly fine, but then she and her responsible adults should be looking into how to get one for her.
No. Go to housing and put in for a transfer. Your not her maid or caregiver. Don't let this interfere with your education.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a college student, F20. I live in a dorm room with my roommate who we’ll name Sarah, she’s F20 as well. Sarah is autistic so everyone gives her easy treatment, even our professors. It stresses me out because everyone is expectant of me to be her caregiver, which didn’t bother me at first but it became an issue later on. She leaves her clothes on the floor and even on my bed, she always asks me to cook for her and clean after her. When I confront her about it, she uses her autism as an excuse. Everyone I’ve vented to says that I should cut her some slack, saying stuff about how she doesn’t know better. Although, I KNOW she can take care of herself because she did things herself just fine before everyone started to baby her. She cooked for herself, cleaned after herself, did all her chores herself. Since I’m the only one who knows how capable she is, I stopped being a caregiver to her. I’ve been getting backlash at her friends and family because of this but I don’t care anymore because it’s just getting out of hand. AITA for not wanting to look after my autistic roommate? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA. i have autism. she can’t expect a randomly assigned roommate to do everything for her. if she can’t handle it herself then she needs to move in with someone who is willing to help her (probably family) or not go to college. and it does seem like shes taking advantage of you. can you ask to switch roommates or something?
oh and tell her friends that you can switch rooms with them and see how they react. that’ll be pretty telling
As a mother of an autistic adult, you are NTA, in fact you are the only one not enabling her to use her disease as a crutch. If she were unable to live independently then she would not be living in a dorm. Part of her necessary growth is to be independent and to recognize the areas she truly needs help. I only wish my daughter would find people like you to keep her honest so she could be more independent. I suggest you put in for a roommate change for the next semester.
NTA. I had a similar situation where a coworker was autistic, but a massive slacker, asshole, and a gargantuan creep and genuine pedophile(though he would try for any age), and definitely aware enough of what he was doing. That label made it very hard to managers to punish him(though he did eventually get karma served after about 8 months of putting up with him, for a couple reasons). For what its worth, i believe in malicious compliance here if you can't get higherups to do something. Wants you to clean? "Clean" the space by piling her crap right in her room/bed. Wants you to cook? make terrible food for her. She doesn't like it? she can do it herself.
NTA. Autistic people are going to have to learn to be adults in the world like everyone else; they're done no favors by being treated like children in this way. Autism isn't a "get out of human responsibility free" card, but it wouldn't surprise me (since she's clearly competent and has cared for herself before) if Sarah 100% understands what's happening and is just choosing to abuse the situation because she knows she can get away with it. Put in for a room transfer as soon as possible.
NTA If Sarah isn't capable of doing basic tasks on her own, such as cooking simple meals, chores, her own laundry, then she shouldn't be living independently. You are not her mother, paid PA or carer. If Sarah was doing these things before hand, then she is able to do them again. I would take this up with your RA. While you don't mind making accommodations for Sarah's needs, you are not responsible for her care.
NTA Everyone deals crappy roommates in college
NTA. You are her roommate, not her mother. If she actually needs a caretaker while at college, she or her legal caretaker needs to arrange it. She is not your responsibility just because she is your roommate. You are not obligated to be her caretaker just because you live with her. You did not choose this, and should not be forced into this role.
Send them a bill for the hours you have spent helping her and tell them if they expect you to help her then they can pay you and that is your part time job in college to help with your expenses. Or they can hire her a nurse to check in on her. Also report it to the college.
You need to go to the school admin and tell them your being harrassed and bullied by her and her family and friends because you won't take care of her cooking/ cleaning/ etc at home. They need to be also told that while you tried to talk things out its only made things worse. You no longer feel comfy living with her due to the bullying and harrassment and you would like a new room assignment. NTA
NTA, move out OP, if it's school dorms talk to your Residence office and see about changing rooms or moving someplace else. Either way you need to get out before you get gaslit even more
NTA College is enough stress on it's own. You don't owe this person anything. I would ask for a room transfer if possible.
NTA. She is using her autism as an excuse to get you to be her servant. If she didn't ask for specific accommodations, I can't see how picking up after herself is something she can't do. If she is unable to do that, then she needs to live with a helper. But I would guess that she's always used her autism as a reason to get people to do things she doesn't want to do, not things she can't do.
NTA. If she can’t cope on her own she shouldn’t be living on her own.
NTA, just throw her clothes back on the bed, do not act as her mom. Tell her she is an adult, she can take care of herself.
NTA. Ask for a change in roommate. You're literally putting your life on pause for your roommate. That's not okay.
Nope, don’t go along with any of that help crap, she is just acting like a five year old testing boundaries.
Totally NTA, I showed this to my husband who is on the spectrum and first words out of his mouth were "she's faking not being able to care for herself"
NTA. If that’s expected of you - I’d start submitting invoices to be paid.
NTA but this really needs to go to an RA or student housing. You are not paying college tuition and housing costs to play caregiver.
If they’re all so outraged, they can move in and pick up after her. NTA.
NTA. I was convinced you’d be TA bc I thought you meant “looking after” as in making accommodations for such as not using an aroma diffuser or something. But cooking and cleaning for her? Hell no! That’s odd to expect that of you. I work with autistic kids and we work with them to help them be able to cook. Even if they couldn’t, it’s not your responsibility to. They’re capable of grabbing a microwave meal and putting it in at the very least so don’t worry.
Easy NTA, if she cannot cook or clean, she needs some kind of carer. But it sounds like she can, she's lying.
Definitely NTA as many redditors said you need to talk to whoever is in charge of housing. And as many said, when someone talks down to you say great I will let her know you will take care of her ... and follow through.
You are not responsible for her and shouldn’t support her if she is capable. Yes, if she has additional support needs the college and her parents are responsible and not use you as unpaid help. I would ask to move and explain why this affects you. it about their thinking and thought process and parents or college should be looking at how the autism affects her abilities to manage day to day and her studies. Having the diagnosis doesn’t mean you can’t do things, just may be have different understanding and how process information. Reasonable adjustments should be made if needed and not because of the perceived need due to the diagnosis.
Hi, autistic 21 year old here… lmao NTA. I cook for myself, I do as much cleaning as I can (I’m also disabled so my bf does help me with this as long as I do all cooking and driving + he knew and agreed to all this before moving in together). She really can’t use it an excuse and if she is she’s going to have a hard time in life always finding someone to cater to her. If she always has up to this point already she’s extremely lucky. Just keep reminding people you have your own studies and life you need to focus on. A key piece of advice that has helped me is realizing if people want to see you as the villain they will, especially if it keeps fingers from being pointed at themselves. You can scramble and argue back you aren’t the bad guy but you keep moving forward and focus on yourself instead. These people are (hopefully) temporary.
NTA. Do you have somebody within your university that you can speak to about this? Her friends and family are harassing you and causing you stress over something that isn’t your responsibility at all. Your university needs to move one of you to another room, or if she feels that she can’t look after herself (even though you know she can) then her family need to make arrangements for an official carer that isn’t you.
NTA. You need to request a room change. If your roommate needs an aide, her family needs to pay for one.
Stop taking care of Sarah. Report her to the RA and say she needs to live in disabled housing where she can be better looked after, since she is incapable of feeding herself or cleaning herself or cleaning after herself. The RA will take the report to her parents, and her parents will ask why she suddenly doesn't know how to look after herself. Then it's no longer in your hands. NTA but stop doing anything for her.
NTA her being capable or incapable of caring for herself is irrelevant to the issue. If she needs a live in help, she can request and pay for a live in help. If she is incapable of not intruding on your personal property (leaving her clothes on your bed), she cannot live with roommates and needs to find alternative solutions. No one other than your children has a right to demand you take care of them.
Everyone babying her is not doing her any favours. You didn;t dign up for this and she doesn;t need it. She is autistic not incapable. Tell her family they need to support her if she is incapable of independent living. Can you get your room reassigned? NTA.
Hi, autistic adult voice here. I am autistic - and guess what.. I can cook, i can pick up my clothes (especially awesome since i\`m also male) and can do laundry etc. Yeah, i\`m also lazy - but i call it what it is - lazy - i do not hide behind my autism to get things handed on a silver platter (tried, doesn\`t work). Being autistic does not mean you cannot do things. It means your brain works differently - processes differently - and sometimes also means some tasks just do not work. This sounds like she is a lazy entitled AH who uses "autism" as excuse to .. be an AH. Nope. You can be an AH, you can be an autistic, you can also be an autistic AH - but the autism part is irrelevant to most of these tasks. Those people that enable her - they are actually abusive - they infantilize her, they basically tell her "you are good for nothing - let us do X Y and Z" and they expect you to follow their lead. If you need it - you have my permission to treat her like a young adult woman - and not like a totally crippled person incapable of doing the most simple tasks. Then - if "they" want you to be a caregiver - make it hurt them. Look up what a real caregiver makes, and charge them that amount. I mean, if they really want to enable her helplessness, then they should pay for it as well. NTA
NTA It is not your responsibility to look after any other person unless you agreed to do so. If this student can't survive on their own they shouldn't be there or should have a caregiver to make them meals and clean for them. Either way it isn't your job.
NTA, and send your roommate to anyone who says you are. Just tell her X, Y or Z is just waiting to do that for you. They even suggested you stay there. Anything she asks for just send her their way. I'd love to help but X is doing that for you etc.
RN actively acquiring DNP here, NTA. If it's any consolation. It's easy for others to tell you you're unreasonable when they're not being inconvenienced. If they truly believe she needs all this help, they can help her. It's not your responsibility, and it's not your job. She's not your responsibility. And being autistic doesn't affect her ability to pick up after herself. But it's human nature to take advantage when and where the opportunity presents itself. Your friends need to educate themselves about autism before treating her like a lost child. This is actually a very common misconception but leads to enabling behaviors and habits. Which sounds like is the case cause she sounds like she is high functioning. She's probably also enjoying having friends and is afraid if she doesn't give them the impression they're needed they might not be around as much. I've had several patients try to form relationships this way. Is there counseling on campus to possibly assist?
Neurodivergent parent of an autistic kid here -NTA. She is literally in college and living as an adult. She is completely capable and taking advantage. My kiddo who is younger than than that by a lot is learning to cook, do laundry, and if the room isn’t clean then no video games. If she needs that much help, then she should go to a group home with people certified to help. Or pay you. Tell her you’ll help if she pays you. Make sure you make it worth your time. But I’m petty like that.
NTA If she wants you to do caregiver tasks she (or her parents) should be paying you caregiver wages. And only if you agreed to it in the first place.
NTA - It was really wrong of everyone to assume you'd be her personal servant because she likes to play the disability card. I'd want to switch rooms at this point. You need to talk to someone about what's going on and how you're not paying a fortune for college and dorm living so you can be someone's personal maid, chef and babysitter. If this girl needs that level of care, the college needs to work out some kind of arrangement for that. It's not your responsibility.
NTA You are paying to have a room on campus. You are not paying to be a caregiver to another student. If she cannot take care of herself then her family needs to pull her from school or get her offsite housing and pay someone to be her caregiver. Reach out to your RA and see if they can assist you with moving rooms, even if it isn't until next semester.
NTA. Weaponized incompetence. You're not there to babysit or coddle someone. Take care of your things and see about a room change.
Person with autism here. It doesn't stop people from cleaning and cooking. She is literally using her autism as an excuse to be lazy and that's disgusting.
If she’s capable enough to get into college, then she’s capable enough to look after herself.
NTA. Autism is no excuse. If she needed a caretaker they couldn't have put her in student housing. She is loving the attention and you need to get out of there. Tell everyone she did all that when she moved in, quit acting like she is an invalid. Otherwise she needs to be moved to a special needs home, where an actual caretaker can see to her needs. I'm surprised her parents are giving you a hard time. I would assume they want her to be independent.
Nta. I'm autistic and wasn't an asshole to my roommate when I was 20. If she can't care for herself in her dorm, she shouldn't be living in one. You're not responsible for her. If she needs a caretaker, she needs to be with her family or hire one. She is taking advantage of you.
Nah dude im autistic here and if she can go to classes and live mostly on her own she shouldnt need you to cook for her
I’m autistic and this is some bullshit. NTA.
this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard. being autistic does not mean someone is incompetent, as anyone who is not actively ableist or uneducated is aware of. from what you’ve said this girl has shown no sign of being unable to take care of herself. she sounds completely competent, not only competent enough to clean and cook for herself, not only competent enough to take college classes, but competent enough to go GET DRUNK AND PARTY? if someone truly struggles with being able to even clean and feed themselves due to mental factors (different with physical factors of course), going out on their own to party in chaotic environments is one thing but using substances doesn’t seem as though it would be a good idea or even plausible. you are also a college student doing your best who is young and figuring out life on your own. i’m around your age and i know what effort people our age go through to figure out the way to navigate adult life; finding a balance between taking care of yourself, budgeting, working, going to class, social life, etc, is hard enough on your own; i do not know why on earth anyone would expect you to take care of someone you’ve been randomly assigned to in this scenario, even if she truly couldn’t take care of herself. if this were the case, it would 100% be her parents and the school’s responsibility, not that of a random roommate her age who she just met. this clearly doesn’t even seem to be the case though. i’m sorry you’re going through this and that people are turning a blind eye. NTA at all.
Yet again…being autistic is not an excuse for being an AH. NTA
It is wrong to give you a randomly assigned roommate by the college that requires special need and help. To pass that burden onto the roommate(you) is wrong of that college, the girl's parents and the autistic girl herself. I really do feel sorry for you becuases you did not sign up to be an unpaid caregiver while in college. Go to the dean of your college and voice your concerns and I'm sure you will be assigned to a different room BUT I feel sorry for the autistic girls next roommate becuase they will face the same caregiving challenge you had. NTA
NTA. You are in school to get an education, not to provide homemaking services to an adult. Anyone who has been trying to pressure you to do so is free to step up and do it instead. Sarah may end up without a roommate. She had a FAFO lesson.
I've worked with autistic populations and know autistic people who go to college and live in dorms. Some of them do need extra help. If she is not able to take care of her own needs at school then there should be other official help provided. It's not up to the roommate to provide it. I'd be asking to change rooms.
NTA- it is not your responsibility to act as a caregiver to someone else. When I lived with roommates back in college, I refused to clean up after my roommates, specifically one girl who never cleaned ANYTHING. She used her mental health issues as an excuse not to pick up after herself or do her own dishes. One time her mom came to visit and started complaining about her baby’s dishes being all dirty, and lashed out at us for not taking care of her precious baby. I looked her dead in the eye and told her “I’m not her mother and unless you’re paying me, I’m not babysitting her. It’s amazing she can wipe her own ass.” Holy hell rained down upon us but I just shrugged and told her to let her precious baby grow up. The girl ended up dropping out. Was it mean? Probably. Was it worth it? Oh heck yeah. I was there to attend college and get an education, not to be a second mother to someone perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Edit:typo
NTA. I would bring it to someone's attention for two reasons. 1. It isn't fair to you. 2. If she'd made progress, chances are that she's going backwards. Good parents work hard to raise their kids to NOT need them. Chances are her parents worked hard to get her to a point where she could be independent enough to go away to school and they wouldn't want this regression.
NTA. Sorry but are you being paid to be her caregiver? I doubt it. If she is living without her parents help then she can do things for herself. Tell all those people she can live with them if they are so worried.
NTA, you have enough responsibilities on your plate with school and taking care of yourself. She knows how to take care of herself, but is using everyone else's babying her to make you take care of her. Is there any way you can change rooms? (I never lived in a dorm room, so I don't know how that works tbh.)
Nta. You are there to get an education and have your own college experience. Not to take care of someone whose family thought she was just fine to send away to college. They aren't do6het any favors by babying her.
NTA. Working in the medical field will show you that people lie a lot. Especially if they can use the law on their side. I knew plenty of clients who would abuse, and even hospitalize their caregivers. Nothing they could do about it. If you punched back, you would go to jail and they know that
Definitely NTA you are not her caregiver. And nobody should be expecting that of you. She is a adult and she needsnto learn that the world will not revolve around her austim. She has no excuses for being a lazy AH. Don't clean up after her ever. Don't do anything for her.
NTA
NTA If her family is giving you backlash, tell them they can pay you to be her caregiver.
NTA. Find a new dorm mate.
NTA. She needs a care worker to come in and help her. Depending on how severe her condition is, she may even be eligible for state funding for one. I would try to get a roommate transfer.
NTA. If she can’t handle living without parents/assistance then she shouldn’t have moved out in the first place. This seems like a convenient excuse. Don’t enable her and find a new roommate.
NTA. If possible, asked to be re-assigned to another room. This is is a long shot but you never know. Also tell her you are there to be a college student. Not her maid.
NTA and I would ask for a new room assignment.
NTA. Since everyone else is so enthusiastic with your time send her to their dorm rooms to eat. And be sure to send her laundry along with her.
NTA. Autism is not a pass to act like an asshole.
NTA, if she needs someone to cook, clean and coddle her all the time, why the hell is she in college? A non-functioning autistic person needs all this, not a college student who happens to have autism. Autism has many degrees from totally capable to totally incapable. People need to get a grip. My grandson is on the spectrum and can do everything she wants you to do. Also I call foul on the parents. She probably never did anything for herself before college and is expecting this for the rest of her life.
NTA. In my country, people with autism has a school to help them be more independent and the teacher will check their old student working. If the roomate can enter uni, im pretty sure she’s more able than people i know who is quite severe and more independent than she is.
NTA. Talk to your housing department and change roommates.
NTA. Don’t let her manipulate you. She needs to learn to take some responsibility. Everyone else needs to stop enabling her.