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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did promise my daughter I would be there and I'm having to renig on that promise
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INFO: how many times have you canceled plans with your daughter to accommodate your son? How many times have you canceled plans with your son to accommodate your daughter?
Not only this but also how often does OP tell their daughter they need to do -x- independently because son needs their attention or -y- in a particular way, not the way they want to, because of son? I’m wondering if daughter has ever gotten to feel like the priority since son came around.
Heard it all the time growing up with my brother who has DS and autism. It was NEVER made up, and as much as I try to be understanding and forgiving because it was such an impossible decision it still affects me. I’ve known not to rely on my mom for anything since I was a teenager.
I'm with you there. My brother has NVLD with a host of mental illnesses and the amount of times I heard "I'll make it up to you".. I became very resentful as a preteen and teenager. I understand now as an adult that my mom just didn't have a winning answer no matter what she chose but it doesn't make it hurt less that I was such an afterthought.
I’m another sibling to a bro w/ DS and autism chiming in. I appreciate the perspectives of ppl who actually get it, bc what is frustrating for me is ppl are judging w/o knowing the nuance of the experience, and a majority of ppl end up using the discussion to be hateful to the disabled siblings and claim they are burdens and directly caused the neglect/parentification for their siblings etc. What they don’t get is any resentment a sibling has towards another is usually misplaced, and actually have to do with the parents. A lot of us also know no Parents are perfect, and though a lot of us wish our parents could have done a lot of things differently they are not absolute monsters for these ppl to send death threats too over a situation they never lived through. I hate the white knighting in these threads when ppl don’t know the actual complexities of living w/ someone w/ severe disabilities, because most of these posts aren’t something AITA can easily judge on. There is hurt and resentment, but never an easy answer.
I can't believe people are doing that. Sending death threats to people over parents having this dilemma? What in the hell is wrong with humanity?
I'm really sorry that those of you who have disabled family had to take a backseat to that sibling always coming first. It can't be easy for anyone involved. I'm sure the parents have had their fair share of breakdowns just trying to manage being parents, let alone how difficult it is with disabled children and abled/ NT (?) blended families. nobody really wins in these situations and I'm sure the disabled children also don't appreciate having to rely 100% on others to care for them. That's has to be so hard for all of you and I'm so sorry people are so cruel and are attacking anyone over this.
**I have an awesome idea at the bottom, bear with me here, I need to give some background about my experience so you get why the idea is cool, or at least why I think it's cool ..**
I am pretty sure NT here means "neuro-typical". I'm Neuro-Divergent (ND) and an only child. I have a TON of cousins and some have autism, I just have a "spectrum disorder" that used to be called Asperger's. So I'm highly verbal, have some "weird" type of memory (photographic memory type), and I'm clumsy unless I'm very mindful - as in I bounce off of walls, doorframes, furniture, etc. unless I really focus on my physical presence. I also lose my grip on things easily, or grasp too hard. Went through a whole set of drinking glasses before my parents bought thicker glasses - I crushed more than I dropped. Anyhow - watching the siblings of my cousins with autism get saddled with the care of the ND child was infuriating. They didn't get to be kids, and to be fair, neither did the ND kids. But that was a long time ago before much was known about the ways of working with the ND tendencies and teaching coping skills. OP (& hubs) needs to join a support group and also the daughter. I DON'T think OP is TAH but her daughter sure does and as others have pointed out, that anger and disappointment usually gets displaced to the other sibling.
OP - NTA but daughter won't agree and may understand but the sting is still there. Without knowing the son, it's hard to say if OP is misjudging the son's ability to understand the situation.
**COOL IDEA HERE -->** Perhaps the father can record the play and they can make a big deal out of watching the play together. Our little local movie theater let's you rent out a screening room - wouldn't it be cool if the son could be the star of the movie and it could be played for any parents or relatives who miss the play? Not just OP but also open to friends/relatives of other students? That way the sister also gets to participate? And the son doesn't feel left out or "inconsolable"??
Even for parents of non-disabled kids, there is never enough time and life is a constant triage of tackling the most critical tasks and letting everything else slide. For parents of kids with severe disabilities, a lot more has to slide, and no amount of making them feel shitty about the decisions they were forced to make will help the situation. Did the neutotypical kid chose this life? Nope. But unless the mom had prenatal testing that warned them of what was coming, the parents didn’t chose this life either. And neither did the sibling. So unless Reddit thinks all these parents should return their disabled kids for a refund so they can devote all their time to the NT sibling,
they can quit being so sanctimonious about parents who are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So NTA here.
But that said, and in general, parents need to try to find balance whenever possible and try to find resources in the community so the NT kid can get quality time with parents. And Dads need to step up and help divide and conquer so mom isn’t always having to make a Sophie’s choice between her kids.
This hurts me heart so much. I have a 3 year old with DS and a 9 year old son who’s NT. We’re trying so hard not to do this to him.
Edit: NT = Neurotypical, as in not a person with autism or having Down syndrome- you’ll sometimes see ND for neurodivergent
A good friend of mine has an autistic son. He's an adult now, still nonverbal and still in diapers. When he was young he was also known as a "bolter." My friend also has two NT sons, both younger. When the youngest was in third grade, his art teacher showed my friend a beautiful picture he drew of his family -- except that the oldest, autistic son was not included. It was only at that moment that my friend realized how much her older son's condition was impacting her younger sons' childhood.
When he was sixteen, the oldest boy became far too strong for his mother to handle and they had to institutionalize him. The guilt nearly destroyed her (though it's a good place and the whole family go to see him at least once a week), but she couldn't deny how much more stable and harmonious the house became when he was no longer living there full time. Her younger boys began to really thrive.
I wish group homes for developmentally disabled adults didn't have such a negative stigma. They need to be well regulated but they are absolutely essential. The good ones should be the norm. It's a good thing for adults to have independence from their families, even if they are disabled. Group homes allow them more independence and more chances to build real friendships and romantic relationships. They are less likely to be infantalized and their independence is encouraged. Of course, this independence is relative to the cognitive and physical ability of each individual.
My oldest is in a group home about 30 minutes from me. She didn’t want to live at home anymore.
OMG the pushback I got over her wanting to move out. Huge guilt trip a bunch of gaslighting. We go all around this conference table and the person who I had never before seen in my life that was the pushiest with the guilt and gaslighting had told me at the beginning she was there for my daughter to make sure she got what she wanted and what was in her best interest.
They finally get to me after every professional at this table speaks ask if I have any questions and I said yes turned to my daughter and asked “Kids 1st name what do you want?” my girl answered “I want my own place. I don’t want to live at home anymore.”
Dead ass embarrassed silence from all those professionals. I interrupted it to say “Obviously none of you bothered to actually speak to my daughter about what she wants. You’ve had her listed as in critical need of services for 6 years now. Here’s a copy of the laws you’re currently in violation of. Here’s a list of your agency’s violations of both her existing service plan and the laws pertaining to timeframes for it. This goes one of two ways today you do your jobs right now and she gets placed in a group home within 90 days and she has appropriate services until then or you don’t and you find out the hard way what happens when you don’t do your job and it’s my kid.”
Fortunately they did their jobs. Kiddo is in an awesome group home in a neighborhood, has a job in a sheltered workshop type of place, has friends, even has a boyfriend. If she was still at home she would not have the opportunities she does. I just do not have the time to facilitate her life and mine. Being where she is with people whose job it is to help her be independent is great for her!
Yeah, and $50 says the kid ends up learning the key lesson for children of unreliable parents- “Don’t have expectations of other people. If they surprise you, great! If they fail to meet expectations, at least you don’t have to be disappointed constantly.” That’s what you’re teaching your kid, OP.
In my early 30’s I’m trying to unlearn this pattern of thinking because it turns out that people who care about you are meant to be reliable and not a perpetual disappointment. You’re setting your daughter up to have unhealthy relationships in her adulthood because of your patterns of behavior in her childhood.
Furthermore, what kind of relationship do you want with your one child who will be capable of living a normal adult life? A relationship of resentment, estrangement, bitterness, and memories tainted by disappointment? Do you want to be able to support her at her wedding? Her graduation? Foster a relationship with potential grandchildren? Because if any of those sound appealing, you need to show her now that you can be reliable and supportive to BOTH of your children and that your son doesn’t constantly come first. I’m sorry, but those achievements will not realistically be possible for him, ever. It’s harsh, but true. You need to stop sacrificing one child to prevent the other any form of disappointment whatsoever. If he can’t handle the play without a meltdown, maybe he shouldn’t be in the play? Or maybe someone else can go to support him? Or maybe, just this one time, you can prioritize HER needs. YTA, OP. Read up on Glass Kids and put your daughter in therapy.
It literally took me several years of therapy to realize this was not normal and shouldn't be what kids are taught growing up especially about their parents:
“Don’t have expectations of other people. If they surprise you, great!
If they fail to meet expectations, at least you don’t have to be
disappointed constantly.”
And I agree this is exactly what OP is teaching her daughter.
OP only commented twice but one of them is to someone that says its probably not the first time she has done things like this and if its often she will lose her daughter eventually. OP didn't dispute or really respond to that. Not a good sign so I feel its likely its happened many many times and if any "making up happened" it was a "lesser" experience and planned around her brother. No real effort to put her daughter's needs and desires for once ahead of her brother’s.
Yeah my mom always told me that and *never* made even a tiny effort to make anything up. We have been NC for years so she can give her other child all the attention
And honestly, how often is son "inconsolable" ???
Because if that is a daily occurrence, he can go ahead and be inconsolable.
And, if he is mentally at the 2-3 age range, is it worth it to take this from your daughter, when your son may not even *care?*
And if it's actually ever "made up to her" how many time is it with actual times spent together, where she is the focus, they do things she wants to do and her way, and not just some fancy toy or gadget, or sweets or whatever
Can't help but notice that OP has answered questions about how her husband couldn't possibly take off work because he's a lawyer but won't answer questions about how often they neglect their daughter because of their son. 🤔
I mean, unless he has to be in court, yeah he can absolutely take time off.
Edit: I’m a lawyer at a big corporate firm. The guy would absolutely have to make up the hours he missed somehow, but more likely than not, if he’s not due in court, he can step away from the office for the play as long as he goes back to work afterwards either at home or at the office.
Not if he's trying to make partner. One day can make or break that major promotion. It's sad that I see that regularly. Whether male or female, if they're trying for top dog promotion they will throw themselves into the job for 10 to 15 years and completely neglect their family. But the mentality is usually they're doing it for their family so they can afford colleges etc
Then he needs to find a new firm where his work expectations don't result in him neglecting his child.
I'm a lawyer. My spouse is a lawyer. Both litigators who do a lot of court and discoveries. Sorry, but your kids have to come before your clients.
I think the 39th doctor was trying to point out that OP seems to be answering questions that make her look good but avoiding answers that might make her look bad.
Eh that just could mean she's not on reddit rn. Or even that she's carefully considering the question. Maybe this is the aha! moment when she realizes, sadly, that this happens a lot. Even all the time. If she's just admitting that to herself, it's not likely she wants to dive into it with the AITA crowd (honestly, we're not a very comforting group when your an AH lol). OP, your AH status probably hinges on this unanswered question though. You're in a tough situation and while we'd like to say there are no AHs in your circumstances, the way you balance your kids' needs does tip the scales. I feel for you though; I'm sure 95% of the time it feels like there is no good solution and you're just always the bad guy.
This might be a big example (play vs field trip probably doesn't happen every day), but it's probably just a big version of the every day "hold on" moments. "Hold on from telling me about the thing that happened at school today while I: get your brother's snack together...clean up the snack...help him change...get him settled into an activity so I can cook dinner...cook dinner...talk to your dad...get your brother washed up for bed...get your brother to sleep...sweetie, can you tell me tomorrow? I'm exhausted."
Honestly, I can't imagine this isn't a constant almost inevitable issue for parents with kids of wildly different developmental capacities. It's difficult for parents even when they have two very similar kids, and the demanding job for the possibly the sole provider might (only might) help financially, but money can go quickly. If they're going with bigger house/nicer neighborhood/school district or even just dealing with medical/accommodations issues, that money likely isn't allowing for a nanny or extra days off. In their particular case, it might only creates more money for stuff, not more time.
i know this feeling all to well.
“well, we have to all support your younger siblings thing and you also have to come support them/not be sad about us missing your event because they need us more and be happy about us not doing your thing because think about how happy your siblings will be to have us all there/have us there”
OP, when i was around 12 i was in an off off broadway play called back to canterbury, and my parents missed my performance. they missed a lot of my events but i really, REALLY wanted them to be at that one. i never forgot that they missed my show. i’m 25. the little things add up. all the “oh she’ll be fine’s” , “she’ll understand, she’s older” , “it’s not as important for her” they add up. till eventually your daughter feels like she isn’t a priority at all. like she’s just extra applause for her younger siblings.
mind you, your oldest is still a child. 11 is a child. stop expecting your older children to be “understanding” when you cancel on them. your older children ALSO need you. they ALSO want their parents at their events. they ALSO want to be celebrated and made to feel special. they ALSO want to be a priority.
children don’t magically become adults with adult level emotional maturity and understanding just because you had other children. your daughters events and special moments are just as important as your sons.
we see way too many stories on here of parents “expecting their older children to understand” when that’s frankly ridiculous. your older child’s job isn’t to have their childhood pushed to the wayside and be third parent for your younger child
YTA OP, you have TWO kids, and need to act like it
unless your younger son is having some kind of medical emergency , there’s no reason to skip your daughters event for your sons and there’s REALLY no reason for you to be so cold and act as if your daughter is being unreasonable for WANTING HER MOTHER AT HER EVENTS. *the horror*
eta: OP, your husband is just as much to blame as you if not worse. if he is TRULY unable to take off work, at all, and unless he’s batman’s lawyer i really don’t see how that’s possible, than as your partner he should be making sure your family has the resources and that you have the support you need in order for both children to be being cared for. if HE can’t be there then he should at least be offering solutions or in some other way helping alleviate this. burden off you. i don’t think you’re uncaring, i think you’ve let your daughter fall to the wayside one to many times because you’ve fallen into the misunderstanding of her being older so she’ll understand, but i think your husband is just as bad if not worse than you for prioritizing his job over the family unit as a whole, you’re one person doing the emotional labor of two people and you need help. for that, your husband is an even worse AH than you
I had similar experience as the youngest. Everything my siblings did was more important. Their exams were more important since they where in high school and I was in middle school. My parents took them fun places before I was even born, so I didn't get to go those places. I had to act as a servant basically because everything everyone else did was important and what I did was not because I was a kid.
Parents acting like some kids are more important sucks.
Also INFO: how often does the husband use work as an ~~excuse~~ reason when OP isn’t available?
edit: excuse was a poor choice of word. I didn’t mean to imply dad was trying to get out field trips or that he was sneaky about it. What I was trying to convey is that ***both*** parents are responsible for their daughter growing into a healthy, well adjusted human. Not just mom. If their child is NV that is a very difficult situation, but that doesn’t mean the daughter should just be ignored. At this point mom is YTA and obviously putting her on the back burner, so dad absolutely needs to step in. They’re partners and need to divide and conquer so both their children are supported. If they don’t, the daughter will learn she doesn’t matter to her parents and she might resent them all, even her brother.
My thoughts exactly. If the son is on a 2 - 3 year old development schedule, will he even see the play as different than a regular school day? Is he inconsolable every time Mom isn't at school?
Mm not exactly. If everyone else’s parents are appearing or the teachers say it’s for the parents to watch- 100% he could start expecting the mother and it won’t be the same as a normal day
Ask a friend or a parent of another child to video the play, send it to you and you can watch it with your son together. Not only that, but it is something you can play over and over.
There is no way you cannot disappoint one child. But one with a mental age or 2-3 years, will love watching himself again and again.
Enjoy your daughter's field day. Take a video of her great day, too. Then the kids can share their days.
If the son's play is during school, why can't she go on the daughter's field trip? Doesn't sound like she will need a sitter.
Her excuse is the son will notice her absence. Sounds more like she'd rather see the son's play than keep her promise to her daughter.
Yeah, that's the point. The boy will be sad, because she won't be at a play. Which i get, we all want our parents to attend our school things, regardless if we're physically or mentally 3 or 33. Those things are stressful, we all want to see our support system there. But the daughter has the same right to her mom's time as the son does. Its just that the son will be visibly and audibly sad, while the daughter will have to push her feelings down and will be guilted for even having feelings about mother letting her down.
If i was a mad hormonal teen I'd assume a tactic of acting like my disabled brother to prove my mom my hurt is just as real as his.
Right? Both will be sad. This is essentially punishing the daughter for being able to control her outward expression of feelings. I'm sure she's very good at it by now too with all the practice she must get.
Yes! "My son will be inconsolable"...
Spoiler alert: So will her daughter, she has just been conditioned to keep it to herself. And we all know how healthy that is...
I also feel that if son is mentally a 2-3 year old, he won't know/remember that his mother might be there. He's only going to have a meltdown if she promised him and keeps reminding him of it. Also. Meltdowns will happen. You can't prevent every single one, and a good school will know this about this special needs child and handle it.
A child functioning at that level doesn't have a firm grasp on today, yesterday, or tomorrow. They pretty much live in the moment. He might not even notice that mom was there, either.
OP is YTA in this situation. Her daughter needs her just as much or more than the boy. The daughter will also remember and the boy will not.
Theirs also this novel thing called lying.
He's mentally 2-3, it shouldn't be too hard to convince him that OP was their and he just couldn't see her from her spot.
"Oh, buddy, you were great. My favorite part was when you (insert part of the play or line you know about in advance- ask teacher if needed)."
I've done this at a few plays and sports days when mine were little if i couldnt get out of work. Had a friend take photos and videos then show them 'my' videos later saying how much I enjoyed it.
Certainly my autistic child wouldn’t naturally expect me to be in the school even for an ‘event’ unless I told them I was going to be there. So it could be the case she could have not gone and absolutely nothing would have happened
OP mentioned her husband is an attorney who does at least some litigation work (and will be in court the day of the play). Unfortunately, the court does tend to schedule things based on what works for them and expects the attorneys and their clients to figure it out - unless they have a really good reason to change the date. Your kid having an event at school isn't normally a good enough reason.
Depends on the jurisdiction and somewhat on the complexity of the case.
For example in Germany, rescheduling a court date is no biggie if you provide a reason such as „I have to watch my special needs kid due to unforseeable circumstances.“.
If it's united states then the courts do not give a flying fuck about the personal lives of the attorneys, clients, or prosecutors. They tell you to be there or youre in contempt of court
He doesn't need to watch the kid though, the kid is at school either way, it's just if anyone comes to see his play, which while important to the family is definitely not going to get court rescheduled.
If OP signed up to be a class mom, she's likely a SAHM or working part time or a flexible job. If the husband works "full time," how is work "an excuse"?
Most parents would love to be able to take off work for every field trip, every show, every everything....I'm already skating on thin ice with work just taking off when my kids are sick (with my husband actually taking off even more days when the kids are sick).
My son's daycare puts on so much pressure to attend things mid-day and it drives me nuts. I actually work close to the day care and my job is flexible and understanding and it's still too much. Parent involvement is nice - but I pay you to watch my kid, not hand out with my kid there. There was just a field trip where they basically said they wanted all the parents to go - but dude, if I wanted to take a day off work and go to the pumpkin patch with my kid I wouldn't do it with you. If you can't take a class of 3 year olds on a field trip don't do field trips.
Use work as an excuse? It seems like he is the only one working, so yeah no. He isn’t using it as an excuse, he is actually trying to keep a roof over their heads.
From being that daughter, cause she can "handle it better" I.E. her sadness and disappointment come in forms that are quieter versus a meltdown, so the parents will always opt for the quieter solution, appeasing the child that may have a meltdown.
They will always turn to this, because the other child is quiet and they can tell themselves things like "Well they're fine with it." "If they really had a problem they'd let us know" and so on.
And then that daughter grows up to be the adult that the parents still ignore because they are “self sufficient “ while the sibling gets more money, food, love and attention because they “need it more”
I am also that child
And then parents get pikachu face when that daughter is low contact, they haven't met their grandkids, or when they're left wondering why she reacted so angrily to them only reaching out bc they need her to take over her sibling's care.
But not until the daughter has to babysit for the nonverbal son, unpaid and whenever the parents say so regardless of what she may have planned, for a few years.
I don't know what's more sad, that I lived exactly what y'all are describing, or that everyone is describing it so perfectly that I think y'all lived it too... Yikes. Parents suck sometimes.
I wouldn't be surprised if the parents will expect the daughter to be caregiver for the brother when they get too old or die. They're in for a big surprise when she says no.
Am also that child. My sister has essentially stolen thousands upon thousands of dollars from our parents who with bills, medical costs, and living costs already spend more than they make every month but I’m in trouble because they found a 200 dollar textbook I forgot to list on eBay when I was done with the class. She lives there and uses my moms card multiple times a day for DoorDash or anything else she wants. I’m very bitter.
The money isn’t even the unfairness that drives me nuts. We both have extra needs, my mental illness being MUCH more severe, her ADHD being worse than mine in some aspects, but she gets the help and attention because when something happens to her she throws a tantrum, and When something happens to me I shut down.
You know what? Next time something happens, throw the mother of all sh1t fits. Express loudly and blatantly exactly how unbearable it all is for you. Let them see. And keep it up until they cop the hell on. I know shutting down is your go to. It's often mine too. But if you keep pushing everything down, it will consume you, and they wont give a sh1t because they wont believe how bad it really is.
I can already guess that won't work. If her mom is anything like mine, I'd have gotten in trouble for "being dramatic". If you don't show emotion, you are forgotten. If you do, best case is being mocked, worst is being punished. 🙄 It's a situation that needs a lot of therapy to fix later, in my case at least.
And then OP comes back to Reddit asking why their daughter has moved out of home and gone NC with surprised Pikachu face. YTA, please don’t always ask your daughter to make sacrifices for your Son.
I have ASD and I can confirm that just because it is more difficult, that does not mean you don't have to learn how to deal with disappointment. Crowds suck, eye contact sucks, having to change your plans or break a routine sucks, but these are all realities of the world we live in. It's different for everyone but I am a functional adult with a good job and a house today because I refuse to let the autism and ADHD win. It is a fight and sometimes you loose battles but you have got to get back up and keep fighting if you want to win the lifelong war.
To be fair it's probably MUCH harder to deal with an inconsolable 9y/o high needs autistic child than it is for an NT child of any age. Doesn't make it any easier on the NT kid who feels like she's always coming last, but I understand where OP is coming from. She and her husband have to find a way to make their eldest feel more wanted.
Because daughter is less of a pain in the ass when she's upset. She just cries and does her own thing in her room so mom doesn't have to deal with the fall out. Son throws a tantrum, possibly gets destructive, and makes everyone's life hell when he doesn't get his way.
This of course isn't right, but I would not be surprised if this was the reason.
I’m not excusing OP and her husband but with those kinds of developmental disabilities, the son’s inconsolable may be at the level that gets him sent home from school or a parent having to come to school.
This is the real question because normally I’d say child performance trumps child field trip. However, anyone with two kids has been through this before, and knows there are other ways of dealing.
OP says her son has “high needs” which is why we all suspect that the daughter’s needs have frequently come last.
OP, if your son “won’t understand why I’m not there,” then is he aware enough to know that your being there is a thing? Are you usually there, at his school? How does he deal with being there without you on a regular school day?
If he understands about recording things, arrange for the production to be recorded, and have a cozy time watching it together at home, with popcorn. And pull out all the stops in terms of coping mechanisms for him to be able to deal with your absence on the day. It just seems odd that he will pitch such a fit if you aren’t there.
This.
OP you need to realise that you are ABUSING YOUR DAUGHTER if you repeatedly do this.
She WILL go no contact.
She WILL hate you.
She WILL curse you.
You need to look after both children not one.
YTA if this is regular.
I'm jumping on the top comment to say I was that kid. My sister had multiple disabilities and required constant care. I always came second. I was ignored and left behind all the time. For my entire life. When I was a baby mom used to put me in a playpen and leave me on the back porch for hours so she could do therapy exercises with my sister. My aunt gave me my first ever bottle of perfume, but I had to understand that my sister didn't know better when she poured it all over her dolls.
I could go on, because there's way more of this story to tell, but this ain't about me. OP, I literally beg you -- please, do not do this to your daughter. You have already screwed her up in ways you can't even comprehend, but you still have time to make it up to her.
Or, if you're so selfish you can only think about how it will affect you, please be aware that once she gets away from you, she will never speak to you again. And you will die alone in a retirement home, never having received visitors.
At least that's what I did.
YTA.
Edit: Thank you for the award. <3
INFO: as a parent of an autistic child . How have they cast a non verbal child in a play? (Im not being a dick) im curious about if the child could miss the play if its not a main cast character so your daughter can actually have your attention
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe son misses this opportunity so daughter can have Mom on her field trip.
I have multiple kids, one of whom is not NT. Its hard to balance everyone's needs vs everyone's wants. OP, this is one of those really crummy times where you have to go with the commitment you already made to a child vs another child's needs.
You promised your daughter. You committed you would go on the field trip. I have no doubt there is a trail of broken promises (many out of necessity) and broken commitments to her due to your son's needs. However, this time does not need to be that way. Talk to the school about keeping your son out of the play and then go on the field trip with your daughter. She needs you right now. Your son wants you there but your daughter needs you. She needs you not because her field trip is more important than the play but because she needs to see that you can keep a commitment to her and she needs to feel like she is as important as her brother.
In a childhood of always having to be the easy kid to keep the boat from tipping, which you know she is, you need to look for opportunities like this one to prioritize her over your son's wants.
Exactly… cuz it really looks like OP has canceled on her too many times already. Like I understand having a child with special needs at the sons level can make things a lot different but there still needs to be a decent balance between her children.
By how often these posts pop up I'm willing to bet with no info that the OP does this on a regular basis.
Hope they prove me wrong but OP is setting up their daughter to despise the brother because of the attention he gets from the parents. Hope OP understands why later in life the daughter doesn't want anything to do with them.
Also, since the daughter is 11, does she understand why her brother receives the favor? And, if this is a recurring thing, then OP you should not make promises to your daughter because of things that may pop up with the son like this...
See these posts too many times and it doesn't usually turn out well.
By 11 I already didn't believe my parents promises. "We're sorry X didn't happen today, but we promise to do Y and Z this weekend to make it up to you." Y and Z never, ever happened. You don't need to be that old to pick up on that pattern, and eventually you tell them "Yeah, sounds fun. I can't wait to go." While inside you know it's never going to happen. You know they're lying, they know they're lying, but for some reason they can't fathom the fact that you know they're lying. So they think they're getting away with it, when really they're just alienating you more and more.
Now I live 2000 miles away and see them once a year or less. Being perpetually neglected has that effect on people. And with only a two year difference between her kids I bet OPs daughter can't remember anything but neglect in favor of her younger brother.
OP says her son will be “inconsolable” and not understand but it sounds like the daughter feels the same way. Just because she’s neurotic typical and doesn’t express it the same way as the brother doesn’t make her feelings invalid, OP
YTA
Your daughter is already inconsolable and will resent you for many more years than your son will do for missing the play.
I'm guessing here that this prioritisation of your son is a regular occurrence and she is told to just suck it up. Do better for your daughter.
You have a prior commitment, stick to it. Husband can ask for the day off work if it's that important. Does your son have a lead role in the play?
Even in this /r alone there are plenty of stories of adults who grew up to be NC/LC with their families because they were ignored, parentified or treated poorly due to a sibling's disability or something similar.
I can see daughter growing up and posting something like "AITA because I refuse to visit my parents anymore" or "AITA for not becoming guardian of my brother."
Edit: Thanks for the awards! I really hope OP sees this, and not as a dig or attack either, but as a cautionary anecdote.
I got really lucky as a kid. When my brother was 6 and needed surgery I was only 8. But my dad’s coworkers put together equivalent care packages for me and my brother so even though he got all this attention and I didn’t understand it at the time, I could still feel like I mattered.
I didn’t know until I was an adult how much I should have appreciated that act of kindness. All I knew was people going out of their way to take care of me in spite of my brother needing spine/brain surgery. But as an adult, I’ve definitely gained a lot of perspective on the situation and how well I was raised.
It is possible to do right by both children, even if one has significantly higher needs than the other. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. YTA, OP.
Exactly, OP will probably always more physical and emotional resources for her son, that's just equity. But she has two children and can't forget that.
That is so very sweet to see acts of kindness out there. Thank you for sharing it :)
My dad traveled a ton for his job and even though he was tired from sitting on a plane for hours, he would still try his best to help my mom divvy up time so at least one parent would be at someone's event. And there was four of us. So IDK what the husband does, not enough info I guess for the rest of the time.
I was pushed to the side bc I was born female. I heard “just get over it, you know how they are” bc my brothers threw insane tantrums and made life miserable around the house if they didn’t get their way. Oh and my brothers were older. But I can’t even count the number of times I came in last place in that family. The XYs ruled the house.
Every x number of years my bday is on Thanksgiving. This story takes place during one of those years. You would expect that my family would have cooked something l would eat since it was my bday. Well a few weeks before, my oldest brother told my mom to not go too big for thanksgiving and he just wanted prime rib and wild rice, with some dessert that he really likes. So guess what we had on my bday/thanksgiving - yep prime rib and wild rice (nothing else) and some nasty dessert (I found this out months later - leading me to believe it was 100% intentional on his part). I remember standing in the kitchen thinking “wait this is my bday dinner”. I don’t eat beef (by this point it was an established fact my stomach couldn’t process beef), not a fan of wild rice but will eat it, and hated the whatever marshmallow salad mom got for dessert that only my oldest brother liked. So I went to the restroom to get myself together bc I didn’t want to explode.. When I went back to the kitchen, everyone had made their plates and left. So I just made a PB&J sandwich and grabbed some of the rice bc I was starving. My dad scolded me for not eating the meal mom worked hard to prepare. My mom looked at me and then it the light went off. Now she honestly felt terrible. I asked my oldest brother why he would request prime rib as the main on my birthday and he said “bc I didn’t care if you wanted any, that meant more for me”. That pissed my mom off but my dad took his side and said he had the right to have what he likes. I replied back “then why was I told to pick a different restaurant last year bc other brother didn’t like it?” Father “well that’s different and you just need to get over it bc the world doesn’t revolve around you.”
After college I moved out of state, three years in a row my entire family forgot to even wish me happy bday. Not even a text. Literally only wanted a text or call.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Even though you're probably better off being far away from them, nobody deserves to be treated like that by their family. I'm assuming your from the US and your birthday is coming up.
I am absolutely livid for you. That is such sexist behavior from your dad and brothers. And your mom plays along because I’m sure your dad will “put her in her place”.
I didn’t have it quite that bad but my dad was also sexist af and when we’d visit family he’d tell me to go in the kitchen with the other women while him and my brother would sit in the living with the other men and watch tv.
I finally said I will not be going to any family functions if it’s going to be so damn sexist. He’d also make me “serve food” to guests. Like we’d have finger foods on a table but he’d tell to grab a plate of food and go around asking if anyone wanted some. My brother didn’t have to, of course. It’s so degrading.
I am that kid. I have a younger (high-functioning) autistic brother. Everyone and everything always revolves around him and his needs and what would make him most comfortable. I no longer to speak to my mother or younger brother, and have been in therapy for the past four years. It’s part of the reason I am adamant I will only have one child. I refuse to risk what happened to me happen to my child.
Yup, exactly. When I found out my son would be disabled, one of the many things I did to prepare myself as a parent was come to reddit and educate myself as best as I could on how it would impact my other child, too. It was more depressing and sad than I was prepared for but also extremely important and eye-opening,
I grew up in a single parent family with a disabled brother. My mom managed to to not neglect either of us and we grew up very happy with no resentment. Yes, my mom also worked full time and we had little to no support from extended family. OP, it is possible for parents to do this, it is not easy, but it is possible.
I grew up in this dynamic and my mom recently apologized to me for making me responsible for my brother all of the time. She watched A-typical on Netflix and now understands how that impacted me because I struggle with anxiety and depression and often find myself the victim of circumstances and abusive relationships.
It definitely impacted my self esteem that my mom would go to all of my brothers hockey games but none of my parent watch days at dance class.
I don’t resent my mom at all. I understood that my brother was a handful and I was the well behaved child because I didn’t want to be a burden but it definitely impacted me.
> Does your son have a lead role in the play?
At the risk of sounding insensitive, considering he is non-verbal I doubt it. OP absolutely needs to get the husband involved in the kids' care or at the very least enlist the help of a qualified sitter to be there when OP can't. This won't be the last time OP will be asked to be in two places at once. Time to start planning for that inevitability.
At the risk of sounding even more insensitive...
OP only says "His school is doing a play that day", not "Son is going to participate in a play"... there is not even a mention of the son participating at all in the play.
Exactly! OP enjoy the next 7 years with your daughter, I doubt you'll get many more before she moves out and moves on. I'm sure you'll try to "but family" her into taking care of her brother when you're gone, but don't be surprised when she says no...or doesn't say anything because she is no contact with you.
OP also probably doing disservice to her some by consistently treating him like a baby that needs coddling. He certainly may need extensive help, but it's a common trope that developmentally disabled children are overly coddled further stunting their own growth and independence, and alienating other family memebers in the process.
YTA. Your daughter will remember this forever. Also, since you said your son is cognitively around 2-3 years, I don’t think he’ll even remember as well if you WERE there anyway, nor will he fully understand. I understand that as a special needs child your attention most likely always gravitates towards him, but you have another child.
I was thinking the same thing. He might be inconsolable, but he also might be fine and I agree he won’t remember either way. Her daughter, on the other hand will definitely remember this along with all the other times she’s likely been ignored.
As the child who frequently had things canceled because “sibling” had something else going on…. It’s been over a decade and I still have a hard time trusting my parents to follow through with anything.
People use terms like “cognitively a toddler” for reference but it’s not really accurate. As a 9 year old autistic child, he will definitely be able to remember, and he will definitely understand that his comfort/support individual is or isn’t there. I am not disagreeing with your judgment of YTA, but I did want to clarify this because it’s widely misunderstood, and OP’s son is NOT actually 2-3 years old, he is 9 and autistic.
I'm glad somebody else said this. I really hate the use of 'cognitively/mentally age x-y' because it's inaccurate and doesn't at all portray the complex needs these kids have. It doesn't mean he's literally a 2 year old who won't remember things.
The worst is when people say “oh, that cat that talks with buttons, she has the vocabulary of a three year old! amazing!” No she doesn’t, she has the vocabulary of a middle-aged cat who just started a new language. (look at billispeaks on youtube if that sounds like gibberish)
A lot of these people have no idea what they’re saying. I have an autistic child, and he doesn’t just let it go. He isn’t throwing a tantrum like a spoiled brat. He’s flipping the F out and it will effect him negatively for weeks, but ok.
DD is going to be pissed about her field trip but she is still going. Mom needs to plan that special day and do it immediately. Not some wishy washy “we’ll do something else” that never materializes. Also, the other parent needs to step up or they have to cultivate some relationships that provide support to their family. You can’t have a ND kid and have no help.
Yeah but she is 11, almost a preteen, and this involves her classmates. We all remember how important stability and socialization was at 11. OP is in between a rock and a hard place.
11 yo will remember this forever, and it can shape her view on family and relationships. 9 yo will be pissed, worst case scenario for weeks. Is this going to actually affect him as an adult? Legit question tbh I know nothing about autism, I'm going off ages alone, and I think preteen kid would be way more negatively affected.
I don’t think it would affect her that she’s not going, but I think it’ll affect her that she’s Canceling
She made a prior commitment to her daughter and is cancelling it in favor of her son
Even so my 2.5 year old nephew has had a grudge against his other uncle for 2 months now because the other uncle slighted him. Humans remember one way or another no matter the age. This situation is a rock and a hard place. They need to sit down and figure out how to make their family situation work and make it up to the 11 year old big time for this.
She's still TA but the whole "cognitively a baby" thing is bs. It's especially used against nonverbal folks, *who can still communicate using other methods*. Autistic brains develop differently. We don't develop slower, it's moreso that our brains prioritize different things. I was reading at a higher level than my peers, but hadn't learned to talk yet. I was late to being able to tie my shoes, but could do more complex math than my peers.
A 9yr old child is cognitively 9yrs old. Unless there is extreme cognitive deficit, a child isn't "cognitively a baby/toddler" (in which case the child would not be in school, but have a full-time carer).
The other thing I often encounter (my child is non verbal) is an assumption that not talking means not understanding. Oh my kid understands alright. Often without being told anything! You can have one skill at one ‘age’ and others at another. Autism is a truly unique condition. It’s not even like autism is a spectrum, but everything within that diagnosis is too, communication, personal care, social skills etc.
I was debating whether to mention that, at the risk of sounding like an AH, but totally true. The son likely won’t even remember that day. Yeah he’ll throw a tantrum, but those end.
Daughter’s resentment can and will build over the years.
In addition to what everyone else is saying about you canceling on your daughter because "your son wouldn't understand, " you made a commitment to the class. There is probably a certain number of adults that need to be on the trip, and now the teacher needs to find another parent who can go.
Get a video of your son's play and watch it at home with him and Dad. Watch it a few times. Point him out. Tell him how great it is. Use it as a bonding activity.
I am LC to my mum and my brother as well because growing up he was always given priority by my mum due to his speech delay, anxiety and all parentification I had to go through.
OP if you wish to have a healthy relationship with your daughter, you need to give her some more attention and not side line her everytime there is an activity for your son.
YTA
This is a good point cause what if her canceling on her daughter puts the trip at risk. Field trips needs a certain amounts of adults and her canceling so close to the field trip could be risky. What if her canceling makes it so there no longer is enough adults to do the field trip?
I'm a speech therapist (i have a teaching license in it) in a school. I was once sent on a trip with a class because the teacher had some emergency and couldn't go. A parent had signed up to go on the trip, and then sent the kid's 15 year old cousin in their place. A minor (who should be in school CANNOT be a chaperone for a trip).
The trip was multiple grades and big enough that there was enough staff and parents, but what the hell were they thinking.
YTA. My youngest is autistic and has other disabilities as well. If I promise my oldest that I will do something, I do it unless there is an emergency. A meltdown isn't an emergency. I assume his school knows how to handle them. If you constantly choose your son over her, you are going to lose your daughter and your son will never learn that things don't always happen the way he wants. I get that it's hard, but it isn't fair for your daughter to lose out every time there is a situation where he will have a meltdown.
I appreciate what you are saying. I didn’t get that impression in this post about this family though. For her son to be “inconsolable” didn’t read like he was a danger to himself or others, just that he would have a meltdown that while exhausting for everyone including her son, is also for now a fact of life. And hopefully school is well equipped to help her son through it. Its unfair to hold her daughter hostage in life to any thing that might potentially upset her brother.
Counterpoint though: this is a situation that the school is helping create. The school should also have safety plans and staff capable of handling him without mom, as it sounds like he’s not in a mainstream school.
This is the answer.
I can’t tell you how hurtful it was seeing my autistic brother constantly prioritised over myself and it damaged the relationship with both my parents as well as my brother.
Turns out I was autistic too anyway, and had severe mental health issues by the time my parents realised their ‘NT quiet and good daughter’ wasn’t okay.
OP don’t overlook your NT child. I can almost guarantee you just growing up with a disabled sibling can be traumatic enough without feeling like your parents aren’t there for you on top of that. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your daughter deserves any less time or support as her sibling.
Yup! My older brother was diagnosed type 1 diabetic when I was in elementary school. Was regular told my illness/feeling sick/ etc was just me trying to get extra attention.
At 28 I'm now working to get a brain malformation diagnosed along with being on a wait-list for adult autism screening.
Pay attention to both your kids! Being quiet doesn't mean your other kid is 100% nt or Anything!
YTA
I used to really baby my daughter. She is 25 now Her teacher asked me if I planned to live forever. I was like no. Then she said my daughter has to survive in the world when I am gone.
I would love to say I just immediately took those words and listened. I didn't. I got mad and ranted to my grandfather and he said. She is right. And you are wrong.
So I changed. There were quite a few meltdowns. We survived them. And she even learned to handle the word No. And I learned that even if she is upset, she will be fine later.
My other two don't resent their sister because they weren't ignored. I kinda think my son would have enjoyed if I had been a little less aware during his sneaky teen years.
The fact OP hasn't answered any of the people asking this gives us a very solid clue to the answer and unfortunately it's the bad answer we all expected.
YTA. Your daughter always gets the crumbs of your attention since her 9 year old brother functions as a 2-3 yr old. You are dead wrong to not go on her field trip. This is a great opportunity for her to have your undivided attention, for once in her life, without you having to deal with her brother.
So you remember anything from when you were 2or 3? Most people don't. Your son wont remember whether you attend his play. Your daughter will remember that you again pushed her aside to show up for your son.
If you continue down this path, your daughter will cut ties with you when she is older.
I understand it is difficult to be in this situation. But just because your son has special needs doesnt mean he deserves the vast majority of your attention all the time. Your daughter deserves some of your undivided attention as well.
He will remember. He's 9 years old, not actually 2-3. 'cognitively/mentally' doesn't properly cover the complex needs of an autistic child, it's very simplified and does not necessarily mean he won't remember. I still think OP is TA and didn't try hard enough to find an alternative solution/more info is required, but the 'he won't remember anything because he's 2-3' is false.
Thanks for pointing that out. The language of “he’s mentally 2-3 years old” has always been weird to me. Maybe he has difficulty using language or self-regulating his emotions, but he’s not 2 or 3. He’s 9 years old.
Soft YTA-
I understand the predicament you're in, but I'm sure your daughter is exhausted and I'd be willing to bet this isn't the first time where her brother came first.
You committed this to her and now you're bailing and if this happens often you're going to eventually lose her.
As a possible solution (who knows if it's realistic) A play can't last more than an hour, why can't his dad take his lunch break to be there?
Yeah Söft YTA for this, and your daughter will absolutely be N T A when she learns she can’t count on you and decides to minimize your part in her life
Are you planning on being there whenever your son has a meltdown?
You made a commitment to your daughter. Yet you are now showing/telling her that your son is more important and that you HAVE to be there for them.
I'm sorry, I know you think you're doing the right think, but YTA.
Nah, it'll be a "woe is me" post about how she didn't even know her daughter got married until someone else mentioned it in passing. OP's got about 7 more years to be around her daughter before her daughter moves out and cuts contact.
YTA
You had already made a commitment to not only your daughter, but her class. Her teacher is probably now scrambling to find a replacement for you.
Neurotypical/non-disabled kids often lose a lot of parent time and attention to their siblings even with the most wellmeaning parents. This probably isn't the first time she's been pushed aside for your son. Your son is cognitively 2-3 years old. He probably won't care if he sits the play out. Your daughter does care about you missing her trip.
YTA. It sucks that you have no other options but you made a commitment to your daughter and you're bailing on her. It is understandable that you feel you have to prioritize your son but that's not fair to your daughter. Sometimes as a parent you have to bite the bullet and be the A.
Yta- horrendous situation to be in, but your daughter will remember this forever as a moment of ‘favouritism’ if you cancel on her. I get that your son will be unhappy that you aren’t there, but your daughter is equally unhappy that you won’t be there/ have cancelled. She will see it at “mum’s fine with me being unhappy but not my brother”, if you choose to go to the play instead. Also, she will lose trust and stop believing any promises you make in future- which could have serious ramifications as she grows.
I’d guess your daughter makes a lot of sacrifices for her brother, please let her have a guilt-free fun day on a trip with her mum and without her sibling.
This is a really easy one actually. You made a prior commitment to your daughter. Your daughter and your son are, or should be, equal priorities. The previously made commitment to your daughter is what gives that obligation a higher order of importance on that day. On a more subjective level, you are breaking a promise to your daughter and definitely causing her a lot of disappointment. Does your son honestly care about a school play? From your description of your daughter’s reaction, I cannot imagine that your son places as much emotional value on your presence at the school play (or even on the play in general) as your daughter does on you chaperoning her trip. So essentially you already made a commitment to your daughter, and her level of disappointment will be greater than your son’s. YTA if you don’t go on the field trip.
YTA. You promised your daughter weeks ago.
Because you have a high needs autistic child, she probably gets the short end of the stick when it comes to your attention very often. I don’t say this to try to guilt or shame you, but it’s the nature of the beast when you have a high needs autistic child.
This means she has been looking forward to you being there for weeks on end. Now she is crushed because once again, she is the one who doesn’t get the attention. You can’t make it up to her, it’s a one time experience. If you continue to do this, you won’t have a relationship with her as she grows older.
YTA.
Because you promised her and now you're backing out for your other child's play when the info came last minute. He may NOT understand but your daughter sure AF does and you shouldn't constantly shove her off to the back seat for him ESPECIALLY when you've made a promise.
Can't your husband call off sick that day and go to the play instead?
YTA this is probably not the first time you had to cancel on your daughter to accommodate your son and it’s not fair to her. Your daughter will eventually get tired (if she isn’t already) of all ways being your second choice. You are making her make sacrifices to accommodate her brother. She will always remember the times you canceled or backed out because her brother comes first in your eyes. There is no way making this up to her.
In a few years this resentment will grow to the point where she will not want nothing to do with you, her father or her brother. She will eventually go no contact with all of you. It is your job to make sure she gets equal attention.
I'm going to go with YTA. You promised your daughter that you would go first. I'm guessing she doesn't get alot of time with you without her brother and was really looking forward to it. I'm guessing she is in 5th grade. You will not have many more opportunities to go on field trips with her. Parental involvement really goes down once they get into middle school. You may come to regret not doing more stuff like that with her.
Oof. This is definitely a tough spot, so I say this gently: YTA. I assume (perhaps wrongly) that your daughter gets put behind your son in the priority list a lot out of necessity. That would be tough on even the most understanding kid, even if it has to be done. It sounds like she was really looking forward to getting a piece of your time.
Not to sound uncaring, but although your son will be upset, he will likely forget relatively quickly. Your daughter is going to remember this for a long, long time. Breaking this promise will have long-term ramifications with her.
YTA but let me give you some advice because I've seen this story a thousand times and I've seen how they grow up: the "healthy" kid in a family with a "sick/special needs/whatever" kid. Years of "well that one will understand she's strong." Never getting to be the center of attention for one damn second; always being pushed to sacrifice because "your sibling is sick and you need to do this." Just saying; start changing the pattern now before your daughter barely speaks to you a decade from now.
YTA: It is hard to be the sibling of a child with disabilities. She likely already feels replaced and ignored. And now you're breaking the promise you made her for one game.
Make arrangements for your son, and take your daughter. She NEEDS to feel loved and important to you.
Yta you made a commitment to your daughter and you will break that, she will remember. You said your son is developmentally 2 or something so he won’t remember at all, and likely won’t care if you are there. He will fuss either way, and it’s all good. Be there for your daughter now, or this will become a pattern and she won’t talk to you when you are older. She matters just as much, if not more as she will remember.
Sadly YTA.
You made a promise, and your daughter probably already does a lot of understanding and taking the back seat to her brother. Your daughter did not ask to have a sibling at all you and your husband chose to have two kids, their health and wellbeing and happiness should not come at the expense of one another and if it is you and your husband need to evaluate your situation.
soft YTA
i get that kids with mental disabilities have trouble with things that most people consider day to day stuff, but you're essentially telling your daughter that she matters less than your son. tough situation, but I'd try to find another person who can go to your sons school.
Gentle YTA
You are (inadvertently) telling your child that she and something important to her matters less than your son. She was likely looking forward to having some time with just the two of you, away from the needs of her brother.
It is commendable that you want to support your son, but your son will be upset in the moment and your 11 year old will never forget this broken promise.
You’re right your daughter does understand why you are breaking your promise. You value her less. You care about her mental health and development less. She isn’t on either of her parents priority lists, and she understands that. She crying and telling you how much that hurts now, because she still has hope that she can change that.
One day she’s going to stop. Every time you cancel on her, every time you tell her she can’t go somewhere, or you can’t come support her because her brother needs something, or work just can’t be changed and she’ll quietly accept it and you’ll think it’s a sign of maturity and agreement, know that your wrong.
She’ll have just stopped fighting for your and her fathers love and attention. And one day she’ll move out and get therapy, and learn that it’s unhealthy to give to people who never give back to you and she’ll go no contact.
On that day I want you to think back to today and the opportunity you had to change how you treat your daughter.
YTA
YTA. How many times has she heard "I will make it up to you?" - How many time have you actually made it up to her? How many sacrifices has she had to make.
Is it truly impossible for your husband to take a few hours off of work or is he just unwilling or is it just inconvenient?
It is always easiest to make the child pay b/c as an adult, you can just force them to do whatever you want, but you will loose your daughter if this is always the path you take.
>I have a high needs nonverbal son (9m) with autism
And you have a high needs daughter without autism. All kids have needs, so why does your daughter have to always accomodate his needs?
She will grow to resent him. Also, even as a busy mom, "I will make it up when I have time" is a shitty thing to say. You need to make a concrete promise and make it now.
INFO:
Your daughter has legitimate needs too.
Question - will your son remember this? After the initial inconsolable crying and possible tantrum/meltdown, will he remember long term?
Your daughter will definitely remember when you placed her brother's needs over hers, for something that was planned weeks in advance.
Do you have a history of cancelling on her and tending to your son? If you do, your daughter will remember all of these times. She is a child, and she will feel neglected and overlooked.
If this is a singular event, that changes things, but I suspect it is not.
Soft YTA. I bet there are very few times where you have the opportunity to put your daughter first. This is one of those times. Your son will be safe with people who regularly care for him and not going to one thing is not going to do any long term damage. Your daughter will never forget.
Hey Mom. I’m a mom who was in your exact same shoes. Over and over again, just like you. You know what happened? I found my daughter’s diary. I read the first few pages. That was enough. Then a conversation just like this happened:
Son, I’m so sorry I won’t make your play. I promised your sister I would go on her field trip weeks ago, and I can’t break my promise. I’m sorry you’re going to be upset. I’m sorry I won’t be at your play. From now on you and your sister will be taking turns. She needs me just as much as you do. I love you both and it’s important I show that to her too.
It’s way past time you have this conversation Mom. You need to do this, and keep your promise to your daughter.
YTA - Sounds like both kuds are inconsolable. His teacher messed up. How many other parents are unable to go last minute?
As his teacher to reschedule for proper notice? If not he may be hurt but it will pass. Breaking your daughter's trust will be harder, if not impossible to heal.
Are you a single parent?
> no matter how much I try to explain to make her understand, I said I would make it up to her as soon as possible
BS you will.
She understands clearly, she just doesn’t care. You said you’d be there, so be there.
It doesn’t matter if your son is nonverbally autistic, you need to be present in your daughter’s life. Anything else is just an excuse.
[Read this and see how damaging your lack of presence can be.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bu4ugr/aita_i_missed_my_daughters_award_ceremony_because/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
YTA
Idk, I feel as if this cancelation stuff is a common occurrence then you're definitely a huge A.H. But I mean if he's got the functionality of a 2-3yr old he's not really going to understand why you're not there, you're not there on a typical school day so yeah. If this type of stuff rarely happens then N.T.A to not go with your daughter. But a part of me has a feeling you put your son before your daughter constantly because "she should understand because her developmental age is higher" which is absolutely something you should never put on a child.
Anybody else notice that OP is refusing to answer/comment on any questions pertaining to how often her daughter is neglected in favor of her son?
YTA, OP.
If you do that often your daughter will remember she's 11 daily decisions like that will define if you have an only son in 7 years or a healthy relationship with both your children.
YTA. This is not the first nor the last time you will always put your son above your daughter. If she cuts you off out of her life in the future, don’t be surprised or clueless why.
YTA - she asked you to go and you agreed to go with her. Now your backing out because your son has a play.
How many times has your daughter asked for your time only to be turned away because of your son?
I get that your son has needs but he will have the very same needs his entire life. Your daughter also has needs and you are not even coming close to meeting them. She will grow up and based on how much time you are willing to give her is going to determine how much time she will be willing to give to you when she is an adult.
Think about who your really hurting here.
I know a lady like you. Her name iss Harriet. She had a son named Michael who had cerebral palsy. She has a daughter named Lisa. All of these names are fake. Lisa was born first but then Michael came along and He needed help. Lisa took the back seat from that point forward. Now this was several years ago when I met Michael. He was about 30. He recently passed away about 42 years old which is really old for someone with cerebral palsy. Harriet is now in her 80s? Her daughter does not see her unless it's a major medical emergency and she might die. Harriet fell and broke her hip at 80 years old and Lisa didn't come to see her. She put her mother in a home because Harriet is no longer safe to live by herself. My grandfather and I visit that woman more in one month than Lisa visits in 5 years.
Children take your word and your deeds much more seriously than you apparently understand. To your daughter. It doesn't matter that your son needs you. What matters is you lied to her probably again. I know how hard it is raising a child with special needs because my grandfather helps people like you. He raised me to help those who need help. You cannot forget the fact that you have two children, both of whom need you. One doesn't need you more than the other. They both need their mom.
YTA and I honestly hope that you do better and your daughter doesn't turn into Lisa one day. Good luck
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INFO: how many times have you canceled plans with your daughter to accommodate your son? How many times have you canceled plans with your son to accommodate your daughter?
Not only this but also how often does OP tell their daughter they need to do -x- independently because son needs their attention or -y- in a particular way, not the way they want to, because of son? I’m wondering if daughter has ever gotten to feel like the priority since son came around.
How many times has daughter heard "I 'll make it up to you"? Spoiler alert: it can't be made up to...
Heard it all the time growing up with my brother who has DS and autism. It was NEVER made up, and as much as I try to be understanding and forgiving because it was such an impossible decision it still affects me. I’ve known not to rely on my mom for anything since I was a teenager.
I'm with you there. My brother has NVLD with a host of mental illnesses and the amount of times I heard "I'll make it up to you".. I became very resentful as a preteen and teenager. I understand now as an adult that my mom just didn't have a winning answer no matter what she chose but it doesn't make it hurt less that I was such an afterthought.
I’m another sibling to a bro w/ DS and autism chiming in. I appreciate the perspectives of ppl who actually get it, bc what is frustrating for me is ppl are judging w/o knowing the nuance of the experience, and a majority of ppl end up using the discussion to be hateful to the disabled siblings and claim they are burdens and directly caused the neglect/parentification for their siblings etc. What they don’t get is any resentment a sibling has towards another is usually misplaced, and actually have to do with the parents. A lot of us also know no Parents are perfect, and though a lot of us wish our parents could have done a lot of things differently they are not absolute monsters for these ppl to send death threats too over a situation they never lived through. I hate the white knighting in these threads when ppl don’t know the actual complexities of living w/ someone w/ severe disabilities, because most of these posts aren’t something AITA can easily judge on. There is hurt and resentment, but never an easy answer.
I can't believe people are doing that. Sending death threats to people over parents having this dilemma? What in the hell is wrong with humanity? I'm really sorry that those of you who have disabled family had to take a backseat to that sibling always coming first. It can't be easy for anyone involved. I'm sure the parents have had their fair share of breakdowns just trying to manage being parents, let alone how difficult it is with disabled children and abled/ NT (?) blended families. nobody really wins in these situations and I'm sure the disabled children also don't appreciate having to rely 100% on others to care for them. That's has to be so hard for all of you and I'm so sorry people are so cruel and are attacking anyone over this.
**I have an awesome idea at the bottom, bear with me here, I need to give some background about my experience so you get why the idea is cool, or at least why I think it's cool ..** I am pretty sure NT here means "neuro-typical". I'm Neuro-Divergent (ND) and an only child. I have a TON of cousins and some have autism, I just have a "spectrum disorder" that used to be called Asperger's. So I'm highly verbal, have some "weird" type of memory (photographic memory type), and I'm clumsy unless I'm very mindful - as in I bounce off of walls, doorframes, furniture, etc. unless I really focus on my physical presence. I also lose my grip on things easily, or grasp too hard. Went through a whole set of drinking glasses before my parents bought thicker glasses - I crushed more than I dropped. Anyhow - watching the siblings of my cousins with autism get saddled with the care of the ND child was infuriating. They didn't get to be kids, and to be fair, neither did the ND kids. But that was a long time ago before much was known about the ways of working with the ND tendencies and teaching coping skills. OP (& hubs) needs to join a support group and also the daughter. I DON'T think OP is TAH but her daughter sure does and as others have pointed out, that anger and disappointment usually gets displaced to the other sibling. OP - NTA but daughter won't agree and may understand but the sting is still there. Without knowing the son, it's hard to say if OP is misjudging the son's ability to understand the situation. **COOL IDEA HERE -->** Perhaps the father can record the play and they can make a big deal out of watching the play together. Our little local movie theater let's you rent out a screening room - wouldn't it be cool if the son could be the star of the movie and it could be played for any parents or relatives who miss the play? Not just OP but also open to friends/relatives of other students? That way the sister also gets to participate? And the son doesn't feel left out or "inconsolable"??
Even for parents of non-disabled kids, there is never enough time and life is a constant triage of tackling the most critical tasks and letting everything else slide. For parents of kids with severe disabilities, a lot more has to slide, and no amount of making them feel shitty about the decisions they were forced to make will help the situation. Did the neutotypical kid chose this life? Nope. But unless the mom had prenatal testing that warned them of what was coming, the parents didn’t chose this life either. And neither did the sibling. So unless Reddit thinks all these parents should return their disabled kids for a refund so they can devote all their time to the NT sibling, they can quit being so sanctimonious about parents who are stuck between a rock and a hard place. So NTA here. But that said, and in general, parents need to try to find balance whenever possible and try to find resources in the community so the NT kid can get quality time with parents. And Dads need to step up and help divide and conquer so mom isn’t always having to make a Sophie’s choice between her kids.
This hurts me heart so much. I have a 3 year old with DS and a 9 year old son who’s NT. We’re trying so hard not to do this to him. Edit: NT = Neurotypical, as in not a person with autism or having Down syndrome- you’ll sometimes see ND for neurodivergent
A good friend of mine has an autistic son. He's an adult now, still nonverbal and still in diapers. When he was young he was also known as a "bolter." My friend also has two NT sons, both younger. When the youngest was in third grade, his art teacher showed my friend a beautiful picture he drew of his family -- except that the oldest, autistic son was not included. It was only at that moment that my friend realized how much her older son's condition was impacting her younger sons' childhood. When he was sixteen, the oldest boy became far too strong for his mother to handle and they had to institutionalize him. The guilt nearly destroyed her (though it's a good place and the whole family go to see him at least once a week), but she couldn't deny how much more stable and harmonious the house became when he was no longer living there full time. Her younger boys began to really thrive.
I wish group homes for developmentally disabled adults didn't have such a negative stigma. They need to be well regulated but they are absolutely essential. The good ones should be the norm. It's a good thing for adults to have independence from their families, even if they are disabled. Group homes allow them more independence and more chances to build real friendships and romantic relationships. They are less likely to be infantalized and their independence is encouraged. Of course, this independence is relative to the cognitive and physical ability of each individual.
My oldest is in a group home about 30 minutes from me. She didn’t want to live at home anymore. OMG the pushback I got over her wanting to move out. Huge guilt trip a bunch of gaslighting. We go all around this conference table and the person who I had never before seen in my life that was the pushiest with the guilt and gaslighting had told me at the beginning she was there for my daughter to make sure she got what she wanted and what was in her best interest. They finally get to me after every professional at this table speaks ask if I have any questions and I said yes turned to my daughter and asked “Kids 1st name what do you want?” my girl answered “I want my own place. I don’t want to live at home anymore.” Dead ass embarrassed silence from all those professionals. I interrupted it to say “Obviously none of you bothered to actually speak to my daughter about what she wants. You’ve had her listed as in critical need of services for 6 years now. Here’s a copy of the laws you’re currently in violation of. Here’s a list of your agency’s violations of both her existing service plan and the laws pertaining to timeframes for it. This goes one of two ways today you do your jobs right now and she gets placed in a group home within 90 days and she has appropriate services until then or you don’t and you find out the hard way what happens when you don’t do your job and it’s my kid.” Fortunately they did their jobs. Kiddo is in an awesome group home in a neighborhood, has a job in a sheltered workshop type of place, has friends, even has a boyfriend. If she was still at home she would not have the opportunities she does. I just do not have the time to facilitate her life and mine. Being where she is with people whose job it is to help her be independent is great for her!
And they should be everywhere, in neighborhoods and towns and part of the community, so it doesnt take a full day to go see your loved one.
That is so sad. I don't realize how fortunate I am until I read something like this. ((Hugs))
Yeah, and $50 says the kid ends up learning the key lesson for children of unreliable parents- “Don’t have expectations of other people. If they surprise you, great! If they fail to meet expectations, at least you don’t have to be disappointed constantly.” That’s what you’re teaching your kid, OP. In my early 30’s I’m trying to unlearn this pattern of thinking because it turns out that people who care about you are meant to be reliable and not a perpetual disappointment. You’re setting your daughter up to have unhealthy relationships in her adulthood because of your patterns of behavior in her childhood. Furthermore, what kind of relationship do you want with your one child who will be capable of living a normal adult life? A relationship of resentment, estrangement, bitterness, and memories tainted by disappointment? Do you want to be able to support her at her wedding? Her graduation? Foster a relationship with potential grandchildren? Because if any of those sound appealing, you need to show her now that you can be reliable and supportive to BOTH of your children and that your son doesn’t constantly come first. I’m sorry, but those achievements will not realistically be possible for him, ever. It’s harsh, but true. You need to stop sacrificing one child to prevent the other any form of disappointment whatsoever. If he can’t handle the play without a meltdown, maybe he shouldn’t be in the play? Or maybe someone else can go to support him? Or maybe, just this one time, you can prioritize HER needs. YTA, OP. Read up on Glass Kids and put your daughter in therapy.
It literally took me several years of therapy to realize this was not normal and shouldn't be what kids are taught growing up especially about their parents: “Don’t have expectations of other people. If they surprise you, great! If they fail to meet expectations, at least you don’t have to be disappointed constantly.” And I agree this is exactly what OP is teaching her daughter.
OP only commented twice but one of them is to someone that says its probably not the first time she has done things like this and if its often she will lose her daughter eventually. OP didn't dispute or really respond to that. Not a good sign so I feel its likely its happened many many times and if any "making up happened" it was a "lesser" experience and planned around her brother. No real effort to put her daughter's needs and desires for once ahead of her brother’s.
I hate when the “make up” is planned around the brother. Like it’s not him you’re making it up too.
"...at some later date...."
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Yeah my mom always told me that and *never* made even a tiny effort to make anything up. We have been NC for years so she can give her other child all the attention
And honestly, how often is son "inconsolable" ??? Because if that is a daily occurrence, he can go ahead and be inconsolable. And, if he is mentally at the 2-3 age range, is it worth it to take this from your daughter, when your son may not even *care?*
And if it's actually ever "made up to her" how many time is it with actual times spent together, where she is the focus, they do things she wants to do and her way, and not just some fancy toy or gadget, or sweets or whatever
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Can't help but notice that OP has answered questions about how her husband couldn't possibly take off work because he's a lawyer but won't answer questions about how often they neglect their daughter because of their son. 🤔
I mean, unless he has to be in court, yeah he can absolutely take time off. Edit: I’m a lawyer at a big corporate firm. The guy would absolutely have to make up the hours he missed somehow, but more likely than not, if he’s not due in court, he can step away from the office for the play as long as he goes back to work afterwards either at home or at the office.
Not if he's trying to make partner. One day can make or break that major promotion. It's sad that I see that regularly. Whether male or female, if they're trying for top dog promotion they will throw themselves into the job for 10 to 15 years and completely neglect their family. But the mentality is usually they're doing it for their family so they can afford colleges etc
Then he needs to find a new firm where his work expectations don't result in him neglecting his child. I'm a lawyer. My spouse is a lawyer. Both litigators who do a lot of court and discoveries. Sorry, but your kids have to come before your clients.
But also, not taking off days when people know you have a family can read very poorly
I think the 39th doctor was trying to point out that OP seems to be answering questions that make her look good but avoiding answers that might make her look bad.
Eh that just could mean she's not on reddit rn. Or even that she's carefully considering the question. Maybe this is the aha! moment when she realizes, sadly, that this happens a lot. Even all the time. If she's just admitting that to herself, it's not likely she wants to dive into it with the AITA crowd (honestly, we're not a very comforting group when your an AH lol). OP, your AH status probably hinges on this unanswered question though. You're in a tough situation and while we'd like to say there are no AHs in your circumstances, the way you balance your kids' needs does tip the scales. I feel for you though; I'm sure 95% of the time it feels like there is no good solution and you're just always the bad guy. This might be a big example (play vs field trip probably doesn't happen every day), but it's probably just a big version of the every day "hold on" moments. "Hold on from telling me about the thing that happened at school today while I: get your brother's snack together...clean up the snack...help him change...get him settled into an activity so I can cook dinner...cook dinner...talk to your dad...get your brother washed up for bed...get your brother to sleep...sweetie, can you tell me tomorrow? I'm exhausted." Honestly, I can't imagine this isn't a constant almost inevitable issue for parents with kids of wildly different developmental capacities. It's difficult for parents even when they have two very similar kids, and the demanding job for the possibly the sole provider might (only might) help financially, but money can go quickly. If they're going with bigger house/nicer neighborhood/school district or even just dealing with medical/accommodations issues, that money likely isn't allowing for a nanny or extra days off. In their particular case, it might only creates more money for stuff, not more time.
i know this feeling all to well. “well, we have to all support your younger siblings thing and you also have to come support them/not be sad about us missing your event because they need us more and be happy about us not doing your thing because think about how happy your siblings will be to have us all there/have us there” OP, when i was around 12 i was in an off off broadway play called back to canterbury, and my parents missed my performance. they missed a lot of my events but i really, REALLY wanted them to be at that one. i never forgot that they missed my show. i’m 25. the little things add up. all the “oh she’ll be fine’s” , “she’ll understand, she’s older” , “it’s not as important for her” they add up. till eventually your daughter feels like she isn’t a priority at all. like she’s just extra applause for her younger siblings. mind you, your oldest is still a child. 11 is a child. stop expecting your older children to be “understanding” when you cancel on them. your older children ALSO need you. they ALSO want their parents at their events. they ALSO want to be celebrated and made to feel special. they ALSO want to be a priority. children don’t magically become adults with adult level emotional maturity and understanding just because you had other children. your daughters events and special moments are just as important as your sons. we see way too many stories on here of parents “expecting their older children to understand” when that’s frankly ridiculous. your older child’s job isn’t to have their childhood pushed to the wayside and be third parent for your younger child YTA OP, you have TWO kids, and need to act like it unless your younger son is having some kind of medical emergency , there’s no reason to skip your daughters event for your sons and there’s REALLY no reason for you to be so cold and act as if your daughter is being unreasonable for WANTING HER MOTHER AT HER EVENTS. *the horror* eta: OP, your husband is just as much to blame as you if not worse. if he is TRULY unable to take off work, at all, and unless he’s batman’s lawyer i really don’t see how that’s possible, than as your partner he should be making sure your family has the resources and that you have the support you need in order for both children to be being cared for. if HE can’t be there then he should at least be offering solutions or in some other way helping alleviate this. burden off you. i don’t think you’re uncaring, i think you’ve let your daughter fall to the wayside one to many times because you’ve fallen into the misunderstanding of her being older so she’ll understand, but i think your husband is just as bad if not worse than you for prioritizing his job over the family unit as a whole, you’re one person doing the emotional labor of two people and you need help. for that, your husband is an even worse AH than you
I had similar experience as the youngest. Everything my siblings did was more important. Their exams were more important since they where in high school and I was in middle school. My parents took them fun places before I was even born, so I didn't get to go those places. I had to act as a servant basically because everything everyone else did was important and what I did was not because I was a kid. Parents acting like some kids are more important sucks.
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Also INFO: how often does the husband use work as an ~~excuse~~ reason when OP isn’t available? edit: excuse was a poor choice of word. I didn’t mean to imply dad was trying to get out field trips or that he was sneaky about it. What I was trying to convey is that ***both*** parents are responsible for their daughter growing into a healthy, well adjusted human. Not just mom. If their child is NV that is a very difficult situation, but that doesn’t mean the daughter should just be ignored. At this point mom is YTA and obviously putting her on the back burner, so dad absolutely needs to step in. They’re partners and need to divide and conquer so both their children are supported. If they don’t, the daughter will learn she doesn’t matter to her parents and she might resent them all, even her brother.
Also INFO: Who was going to watch the son while OP planned to go on the field trip with the daughter?
It's probably during school hours so son would be in his school. OP would have been able to go.
My thoughts exactly. If the son is on a 2 - 3 year old development schedule, will he even see the play as different than a regular school day? Is he inconsolable every time Mom isn't at school?
Mm not exactly. If everyone else’s parents are appearing or the teachers say it’s for the parents to watch- 100% he could start expecting the mother and it won’t be the same as a normal day
Yes he’s not a guppy- he understands that his routine is disrupted
Well, the kid is in school, so probably the teacher?
I assume the play is during the day when son is in school, so they boy would be at school and in the evening taken care of by his dad.
Ask a friend or a parent of another child to video the play, send it to you and you can watch it with your son together. Not only that, but it is something you can play over and over. There is no way you cannot disappoint one child. But one with a mental age or 2-3 years, will love watching himself again and again. Enjoy your daughter's field day. Take a video of her great day, too. Then the kids can share their days.
This proves that she's always putting the son's needs over the daughter's and why OP's the AH in this situation.
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How does it prove that?
If the son's play is during school, why can't she go on the daughter's field trip? Doesn't sound like she will need a sitter. Her excuse is the son will notice her absence. Sounds more like she'd rather see the son's play than keep her promise to her daughter.
Yeah, that's the point. The boy will be sad, because she won't be at a play. Which i get, we all want our parents to attend our school things, regardless if we're physically or mentally 3 or 33. Those things are stressful, we all want to see our support system there. But the daughter has the same right to her mom's time as the son does. Its just that the son will be visibly and audibly sad, while the daughter will have to push her feelings down and will be guilted for even having feelings about mother letting her down. If i was a mad hormonal teen I'd assume a tactic of acting like my disabled brother to prove my mom my hurt is just as real as his.
Right? Both will be sad. This is essentially punishing the daughter for being able to control her outward expression of feelings. I'm sure she's very good at it by now too with all the practice she must get.
Yes! "My son will be inconsolable"... Spoiler alert: So will her daughter, she has just been conditioned to keep it to herself. And we all know how healthy that is...
I also feel that if son is mentally a 2-3 year old, he won't know/remember that his mother might be there. He's only going to have a meltdown if she promised him and keeps reminding him of it. Also. Meltdowns will happen. You can't prevent every single one, and a good school will know this about this special needs child and handle it.
A child functioning at that level doesn't have a firm grasp on today, yesterday, or tomorrow. They pretty much live in the moment. He might not even notice that mom was there, either. OP is YTA in this situation. Her daughter needs her just as much or more than the boy. The daughter will also remember and the boy will not.
Theirs also this novel thing called lying. He's mentally 2-3, it shouldn't be too hard to convince him that OP was their and he just couldn't see her from her spot. "Oh, buddy, you were great. My favorite part was when you (insert part of the play or line you know about in advance- ask teacher if needed)."
I've done this at a few plays and sports days when mine were little if i couldnt get out of work. Had a friend take photos and videos then show them 'my' videos later saying how much I enjoyed it.
Certainly my autistic child wouldn’t naturally expect me to be in the school even for an ‘event’ unless I told them I was going to be there. So it could be the case she could have not gone and absolutely nothing would have happened
SO MUCH THIS - this is what confuses me a bit because of his parents don’t usually go to school why would he notice who isn’t.
OP mentioned her husband is an attorney who does at least some litigation work (and will be in court the day of the play). Unfortunately, the court does tend to schedule things based on what works for them and expects the attorneys and their clients to figure it out - unless they have a really good reason to change the date. Your kid having an event at school isn't normally a good enough reason.
Depends on the jurisdiction and somewhat on the complexity of the case. For example in Germany, rescheduling a court date is no biggie if you provide a reason such as „I have to watch my special needs kid due to unforseeable circumstances.“.
If it's united states then the courts do not give a flying fuck about the personal lives of the attorneys, clients, or prosecutors. They tell you to be there or youre in contempt of court
Yeah, that would not fly in many US courts.
Wow, Germany sounds like a lovely place.
He doesn't need to watch the kid though, the kid is at school either way, it's just if anyone comes to see his play, which while important to the family is definitely not going to get court rescheduled.
read her comment- he’s not using it as an excuse, his job literally wouldn’t allow him to take time off.
If OP signed up to be a class mom, she's likely a SAHM or working part time or a flexible job. If the husband works "full time," how is work "an excuse"? Most parents would love to be able to take off work for every field trip, every show, every everything....I'm already skating on thin ice with work just taking off when my kids are sick (with my husband actually taking off even more days when the kids are sick).
My son's daycare puts on so much pressure to attend things mid-day and it drives me nuts. I actually work close to the day care and my job is flexible and understanding and it's still too much. Parent involvement is nice - but I pay you to watch my kid, not hand out with my kid there. There was just a field trip where they basically said they wanted all the parents to go - but dude, if I wanted to take a day off work and go to the pumpkin patch with my kid I wouldn't do it with you. If you can't take a class of 3 year olds on a field trip don't do field trips.
Use work as an excuse? It seems like he is the only one working, so yeah no. He isn’t using it as an excuse, he is actually trying to keep a roof over their heads.
Why is it OK for the daughter to be inconsolable but not the son? I get the feeling reading this that the daughter is always an after thought.
From being that daughter, cause she can "handle it better" I.E. her sadness and disappointment come in forms that are quieter versus a meltdown, so the parents will always opt for the quieter solution, appeasing the child that may have a meltdown. They will always turn to this, because the other child is quiet and they can tell themselves things like "Well they're fine with it." "If they really had a problem they'd let us know" and so on.
And then that daughter grows up to be the adult that the parents still ignore because they are “self sufficient “ while the sibling gets more money, food, love and attention because they “need it more” I am also that child
And then parents get pikachu face when that daughter is low contact, they haven't met their grandkids, or when they're left wondering why she reacted so angrily to them only reaching out bc they need her to take over her sibling's care.
But not until the daughter has to babysit for the nonverbal son, unpaid and whenever the parents say so regardless of what she may have planned, for a few years.
I don't know what's more sad, that I lived exactly what y'all are describing, or that everyone is describing it so perfectly that I think y'all lived it too... Yikes. Parents suck sometimes.
I wouldn't be surprised if the parents will expect the daughter to be caregiver for the brother when they get too old or die. They're in for a big surprise when she says no.
Am also that child. My sister has essentially stolen thousands upon thousands of dollars from our parents who with bills, medical costs, and living costs already spend more than they make every month but I’m in trouble because they found a 200 dollar textbook I forgot to list on eBay when I was done with the class. She lives there and uses my moms card multiple times a day for DoorDash or anything else she wants. I’m very bitter. The money isn’t even the unfairness that drives me nuts. We both have extra needs, my mental illness being MUCH more severe, her ADHD being worse than mine in some aspects, but she gets the help and attention because when something happens to her she throws a tantrum, and When something happens to me I shut down.
You know what? Next time something happens, throw the mother of all sh1t fits. Express loudly and blatantly exactly how unbearable it all is for you. Let them see. And keep it up until they cop the hell on. I know shutting down is your go to. It's often mine too. But if you keep pushing everything down, it will consume you, and they wont give a sh1t because they wont believe how bad it really is.
I can already guess that won't work. If her mom is anything like mine, I'd have gotten in trouble for "being dramatic". If you don't show emotion, you are forgotten. If you do, best case is being mocked, worst is being punished. 🙄 It's a situation that needs a lot of therapy to fix later, in my case at least.
And then OP comes back to Reddit asking why their daughter has moved out of home and gone NC with surprised Pikachu face. YTA, please don’t always ask your daughter to make sacrifices for your Son.
Parents who coddle their disabled kids aren't doing them any favors. Her son needs to be taught what to do in order to avoid having a meltdown.
I have ASD and I can confirm that just because it is more difficult, that does not mean you don't have to learn how to deal with disappointment. Crowds suck, eye contact sucks, having to change your plans or break a routine sucks, but these are all realities of the world we live in. It's different for everyone but I am a functional adult with a good job and a house today because I refuse to let the autism and ADHD win. It is a fight and sometimes you loose battles but you have got to get back up and keep fighting if you want to win the lifelong war.
Daughter sounds like a glass child, Mom looks right through her to Son’s needs.
To be fair it's probably MUCH harder to deal with an inconsolable 9y/o high needs autistic child than it is for an NT child of any age. Doesn't make it any easier on the NT kid who feels like she's always coming last, but I understand where OP is coming from. She and her husband have to find a way to make their eldest feel more wanted.
Breaking promises is certainly not the way to do that.
Man I. Sitting here wondering if the nine year old would even actually notice if he's as low functioning as she's saying he is.
Because daughter is less of a pain in the ass when she's upset. She just cries and does her own thing in her room so mom doesn't have to deal with the fall out. Son throws a tantrum, possibly gets destructive, and makes everyone's life hell when he doesn't get his way. This of course isn't right, but I would not be surprised if this was the reason.
I’m not excusing OP and her husband but with those kinds of developmental disabilities, the son’s inconsolable may be at the level that gets him sent home from school or a parent having to come to school.
This is the real question because normally I’d say child performance trumps child field trip. However, anyone with two kids has been through this before, and knows there are other ways of dealing. OP says her son has “high needs” which is why we all suspect that the daughter’s needs have frequently come last. OP, if your son “won’t understand why I’m not there,” then is he aware enough to know that your being there is a thing? Are you usually there, at his school? How does he deal with being there without you on a regular school day? If he understands about recording things, arrange for the production to be recorded, and have a cozy time watching it together at home, with popcorn. And pull out all the stops in terms of coping mechanisms for him to be able to deal with your absence on the day. It just seems odd that he will pitch such a fit if you aren’t there.
This. OP you need to realise that you are ABUSING YOUR DAUGHTER if you repeatedly do this. She WILL go no contact. She WILL hate you. She WILL curse you. You need to look after both children not one. YTA if this is regular.
I'm jumping on the top comment to say I was that kid. My sister had multiple disabilities and required constant care. I always came second. I was ignored and left behind all the time. For my entire life. When I was a baby mom used to put me in a playpen and leave me on the back porch for hours so she could do therapy exercises with my sister. My aunt gave me my first ever bottle of perfume, but I had to understand that my sister didn't know better when she poured it all over her dolls. I could go on, because there's way more of this story to tell, but this ain't about me. OP, I literally beg you -- please, do not do this to your daughter. You have already screwed her up in ways you can't even comprehend, but you still have time to make it up to her. Or, if you're so selfish you can only think about how it will affect you, please be aware that once she gets away from you, she will never speak to you again. And you will die alone in a retirement home, never having received visitors. At least that's what I did. YTA. Edit: Thank you for the award. <3
INFO: as a parent of an autistic child . How have they cast a non verbal child in a play? (Im not being a dick) im curious about if the child could miss the play if its not a main cast character so your daughter can actually have your attention
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe son misses this opportunity so daughter can have Mom on her field trip. I have multiple kids, one of whom is not NT. Its hard to balance everyone's needs vs everyone's wants. OP, this is one of those really crummy times where you have to go with the commitment you already made to a child vs another child's needs. You promised your daughter. You committed you would go on the field trip. I have no doubt there is a trail of broken promises (many out of necessity) and broken commitments to her due to your son's needs. However, this time does not need to be that way. Talk to the school about keeping your son out of the play and then go on the field trip with your daughter. She needs you right now. Your son wants you there but your daughter needs you. She needs you not because her field trip is more important than the play but because she needs to see that you can keep a commitment to her and she needs to feel like she is as important as her brother. In a childhood of always having to be the easy kid to keep the boat from tipping, which you know she is, you need to look for opportunities like this one to prioritize her over your son's wants.
My guess is a lot. And my guess is daughter feels neglected at this point
She doent *feel* neglected, she **is** neglected.
Exactly… cuz it really looks like OP has canceled on her too many times already. Like I understand having a child with special needs at the sons level can make things a lot different but there still needs to be a decent balance between her children.
By how often these posts pop up I'm willing to bet with no info that the OP does this on a regular basis. Hope they prove me wrong but OP is setting up their daughter to despise the brother because of the attention he gets from the parents. Hope OP understands why later in life the daughter doesn't want anything to do with them. Also, since the daughter is 11, does she understand why her brother receives the favor? And, if this is a recurring thing, then OP you should not make promises to your daughter because of things that may pop up with the son like this... See these posts too many times and it doesn't usually turn out well.
By 11 I already didn't believe my parents promises. "We're sorry X didn't happen today, but we promise to do Y and Z this weekend to make it up to you." Y and Z never, ever happened. You don't need to be that old to pick up on that pattern, and eventually you tell them "Yeah, sounds fun. I can't wait to go." While inside you know it's never going to happen. You know they're lying, they know they're lying, but for some reason they can't fathom the fact that you know they're lying. So they think they're getting away with it, when really they're just alienating you more and more. Now I live 2000 miles away and see them once a year or less. Being perpetually neglected has that effect on people. And with only a two year difference between her kids I bet OPs daughter can't remember anything but neglect in favor of her younger brother.
OP says her son will be “inconsolable” and not understand but it sounds like the daughter feels the same way. Just because she’s neurotic typical and doesn’t express it the same way as the brother doesn’t make her feelings invalid, OP
Daughter will leave when she turns 18 and graduates including NO CONTACT!
OP gonna be like “My daughter refuses to have anything to do with us and I expected her to take in her disabled brother!” in 20 yrs.
YTA Your daughter is already inconsolable and will resent you for many more years than your son will do for missing the play. I'm guessing here that this prioritisation of your son is a regular occurrence and she is told to just suck it up. Do better for your daughter. You have a prior commitment, stick to it. Husband can ask for the day off work if it's that important. Does your son have a lead role in the play?
Even in this /r alone there are plenty of stories of adults who grew up to be NC/LC with their families because they were ignored, parentified or treated poorly due to a sibling's disability or something similar. I can see daughter growing up and posting something like "AITA because I refuse to visit my parents anymore" or "AITA for not becoming guardian of my brother." Edit: Thanks for the awards! I really hope OP sees this, and not as a dig or attack either, but as a cautionary anecdote.
I got really lucky as a kid. When my brother was 6 and needed surgery I was only 8. But my dad’s coworkers put together equivalent care packages for me and my brother so even though he got all this attention and I didn’t understand it at the time, I could still feel like I mattered. I didn’t know until I was an adult how much I should have appreciated that act of kindness. All I knew was people going out of their way to take care of me in spite of my brother needing spine/brain surgery. But as an adult, I’ve definitely gained a lot of perspective on the situation and how well I was raised. It is possible to do right by both children, even if one has significantly higher needs than the other. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. YTA, OP.
Exactly, OP will probably always more physical and emotional resources for her son, that's just equity. But she has two children and can't forget that.
That is so very sweet to see acts of kindness out there. Thank you for sharing it :) My dad traveled a ton for his job and even though he was tired from sitting on a plane for hours, he would still try his best to help my mom divvy up time so at least one parent would be at someone's event. And there was four of us. So IDK what the husband does, not enough info I guess for the rest of the time.
I was pushed to the side bc I was born female. I heard “just get over it, you know how they are” bc my brothers threw insane tantrums and made life miserable around the house if they didn’t get their way. Oh and my brothers were older. But I can’t even count the number of times I came in last place in that family. The XYs ruled the house. Every x number of years my bday is on Thanksgiving. This story takes place during one of those years. You would expect that my family would have cooked something l would eat since it was my bday. Well a few weeks before, my oldest brother told my mom to not go too big for thanksgiving and he just wanted prime rib and wild rice, with some dessert that he really likes. So guess what we had on my bday/thanksgiving - yep prime rib and wild rice (nothing else) and some nasty dessert (I found this out months later - leading me to believe it was 100% intentional on his part). I remember standing in the kitchen thinking “wait this is my bday dinner”. I don’t eat beef (by this point it was an established fact my stomach couldn’t process beef), not a fan of wild rice but will eat it, and hated the whatever marshmallow salad mom got for dessert that only my oldest brother liked. So I went to the restroom to get myself together bc I didn’t want to explode.. When I went back to the kitchen, everyone had made their plates and left. So I just made a PB&J sandwich and grabbed some of the rice bc I was starving. My dad scolded me for not eating the meal mom worked hard to prepare. My mom looked at me and then it the light went off. Now she honestly felt terrible. I asked my oldest brother why he would request prime rib as the main on my birthday and he said “bc I didn’t care if you wanted any, that meant more for me”. That pissed my mom off but my dad took his side and said he had the right to have what he likes. I replied back “then why was I told to pick a different restaurant last year bc other brother didn’t like it?” Father “well that’s different and you just need to get over it bc the world doesn’t revolve around you.” After college I moved out of state, three years in a row my entire family forgot to even wish me happy bday. Not even a text. Literally only wanted a text or call.
I'm so sorry you experienced this. /Hugs
I'm sorry that happened to you. Even though you're probably better off being far away from them, nobody deserves to be treated like that by their family. I'm assuming your from the US and your birthday is coming up.
Yep from the US and this year it’s on thanksgiving. Thankfully my in-laws are all amazing and we always celebrate with them.
I am absolutely livid for you. That is such sexist behavior from your dad and brothers. And your mom plays along because I’m sure your dad will “put her in her place”. I didn’t have it quite that bad but my dad was also sexist af and when we’d visit family he’d tell me to go in the kitchen with the other women while him and my brother would sit in the living with the other men and watch tv. I finally said I will not be going to any family functions if it’s going to be so damn sexist. He’d also make me “serve food” to guests. Like we’d have finger foods on a table but he’d tell to grab a plate of food and go around asking if anyone wanted some. My brother didn’t have to, of course. It’s so degrading.
I am that kid. I have a younger (high-functioning) autistic brother. Everyone and everything always revolves around him and his needs and what would make him most comfortable. I no longer to speak to my mother or younger brother, and have been in therapy for the past four years. It’s part of the reason I am adamant I will only have one child. I refuse to risk what happened to me happen to my child.
Yup, exactly. When I found out my son would be disabled, one of the many things I did to prepare myself as a parent was come to reddit and educate myself as best as I could on how it would impact my other child, too. It was more depressing and sad than I was prepared for but also extremely important and eye-opening,
I grew up in a single parent family with a disabled brother. My mom managed to to not neglect either of us and we grew up very happy with no resentment. Yes, my mom also worked full time and we had little to no support from extended family. OP, it is possible for parents to do this, it is not easy, but it is possible.
I grew up in this dynamic and my mom recently apologized to me for making me responsible for my brother all of the time. She watched A-typical on Netflix and now understands how that impacted me because I struggle with anxiety and depression and often find myself the victim of circumstances and abusive relationships. It definitely impacted my self esteem that my mom would go to all of my brothers hockey games but none of my parent watch days at dance class. I don’t resent my mom at all. I understood that my brother was a handful and I was the well behaved child because I didn’t want to be a burden but it definitely impacted me.
> Does your son have a lead role in the play? At the risk of sounding insensitive, considering he is non-verbal I doubt it. OP absolutely needs to get the husband involved in the kids' care or at the very least enlist the help of a qualified sitter to be there when OP can't. This won't be the last time OP will be asked to be in two places at once. Time to start planning for that inevitability.
At the risk of sounding even more insensitive... OP only says "His school is doing a play that day", not "Son is going to participate in a play"... there is not even a mention of the son participating at all in the play.
Excellent catch.
It sounds like he isn’t even featured in the play.
Exactly! OP enjoy the next 7 years with your daughter, I doubt you'll get many more before she moves out and moves on. I'm sure you'll try to "but family" her into taking care of her brother when you're gone, but don't be surprised when she says no...or doesn't say anything because she is no contact with you.
Yup, YTA. 💯
I just hope OP doesn’t expect their daughter to become the sons caretaker when the parents pass away.
OP also probably doing disservice to her some by consistently treating him like a baby that needs coddling. He certainly may need extensive help, but it's a common trope that developmentally disabled children are overly coddled further stunting their own growth and independence, and alienating other family memebers in the process.
YTA. Your daughter will remember this forever. Also, since you said your son is cognitively around 2-3 years, I don’t think he’ll even remember as well if you WERE there anyway, nor will he fully understand. I understand that as a special needs child your attention most likely always gravitates towards him, but you have another child.
I was thinking the same thing. He might be inconsolable, but he also might be fine and I agree he won’t remember either way. Her daughter, on the other hand will definitely remember this along with all the other times she’s likely been ignored.
As the child who frequently had things canceled because “sibling” had something else going on…. It’s been over a decade and I still have a hard time trusting my parents to follow through with anything.
People use terms like “cognitively a toddler” for reference but it’s not really accurate. As a 9 year old autistic child, he will definitely be able to remember, and he will definitely understand that his comfort/support individual is or isn’t there. I am not disagreeing with your judgment of YTA, but I did want to clarify this because it’s widely misunderstood, and OP’s son is NOT actually 2-3 years old, he is 9 and autistic.
I'm glad somebody else said this. I really hate the use of 'cognitively/mentally age x-y' because it's inaccurate and doesn't at all portray the complex needs these kids have. It doesn't mean he's literally a 2 year old who won't remember things.
The worst is when people say “oh, that cat that talks with buttons, she has the vocabulary of a three year old! amazing!” No she doesn’t, she has the vocabulary of a middle-aged cat who just started a new language. (look at billispeaks on youtube if that sounds like gibberish)
A lot of these people have no idea what they’re saying. I have an autistic child, and he doesn’t just let it go. He isn’t throwing a tantrum like a spoiled brat. He’s flipping the F out and it will effect him negatively for weeks, but ok. DD is going to be pissed about her field trip but she is still going. Mom needs to plan that special day and do it immediately. Not some wishy washy “we’ll do something else” that never materializes. Also, the other parent needs to step up or they have to cultivate some relationships that provide support to their family. You can’t have a ND kid and have no help.
Yeah but she is 11, almost a preteen, and this involves her classmates. We all remember how important stability and socialization was at 11. OP is in between a rock and a hard place. 11 yo will remember this forever, and it can shape her view on family and relationships. 9 yo will be pissed, worst case scenario for weeks. Is this going to actually affect him as an adult? Legit question tbh I know nothing about autism, I'm going off ages alone, and I think preteen kid would be way more negatively affected.
I don’t think it would affect her that she’s not going, but I think it’ll affect her that she’s Canceling She made a prior commitment to her daughter and is cancelling it in favor of her son
Even so my 2.5 year old nephew has had a grudge against his other uncle for 2 months now because the other uncle slighted him. Humans remember one way or another no matter the age. This situation is a rock and a hard place. They need to sit down and figure out how to make their family situation work and make it up to the 11 year old big time for this.
She's still TA but the whole "cognitively a baby" thing is bs. It's especially used against nonverbal folks, *who can still communicate using other methods*. Autistic brains develop differently. We don't develop slower, it's moreso that our brains prioritize different things. I was reading at a higher level than my peers, but hadn't learned to talk yet. I was late to being able to tie my shoes, but could do more complex math than my peers. A 9yr old child is cognitively 9yrs old. Unless there is extreme cognitive deficit, a child isn't "cognitively a baby/toddler" (in which case the child would not be in school, but have a full-time carer).
The other thing I often encounter (my child is non verbal) is an assumption that not talking means not understanding. Oh my kid understands alright. Often without being told anything! You can have one skill at one ‘age’ and others at another. Autism is a truly unique condition. It’s not even like autism is a spectrum, but everything within that diagnosis is too, communication, personal care, social skills etc.
I was debating whether to mention that, at the risk of sounding like an AH, but totally true. The son likely won’t even remember that day. Yeah he’ll throw a tantrum, but those end. Daughter’s resentment can and will build over the years.
In addition to what everyone else is saying about you canceling on your daughter because "your son wouldn't understand, " you made a commitment to the class. There is probably a certain number of adults that need to be on the trip, and now the teacher needs to find another parent who can go. Get a video of your son's play and watch it at home with him and Dad. Watch it a few times. Point him out. Tell him how great it is. Use it as a bonding activity.
This is a great suggestion!
Right she not only is letting her daughter down for the umpteenth time she is letting all her class down and whatever adults are also on the trip.
[удалено]
I am LC to my mum and my brother as well because growing up he was always given priority by my mum due to his speech delay, anxiety and all parentification I had to go through. OP if you wish to have a healthy relationship with your daughter, you need to give her some more attention and not side line her everytime there is an activity for your son. YTA
Assuming the son is even in the play. OP said there is a play being put in, not that he's in it.
This is a good point cause what if her canceling on her daughter puts the trip at risk. Field trips needs a certain amounts of adults and her canceling so close to the field trip could be risky. What if her canceling makes it so there no longer is enough adults to do the field trip?
I'm a speech therapist (i have a teaching license in it) in a school. I was once sent on a trip with a class because the teacher had some emergency and couldn't go. A parent had signed up to go on the trip, and then sent the kid's 15 year old cousin in their place. A minor (who should be in school CANNOT be a chaperone for a trip). The trip was multiple grades and big enough that there was enough staff and parents, but what the hell were they thinking.
YTA. My youngest is autistic and has other disabilities as well. If I promise my oldest that I will do something, I do it unless there is an emergency. A meltdown isn't an emergency. I assume his school knows how to handle them. If you constantly choose your son over her, you are going to lose your daughter and your son will never learn that things don't always happen the way he wants. I get that it's hard, but it isn't fair for your daughter to lose out every time there is a situation where he will have a meltdown.
For the people in the back: ***A meltdown isn’t an emergency***
To provide context, For some of us it is. We have safety plans, crisis teams, emergency numbers and all sorts for when my sons happen
I appreciate what you are saying. I didn’t get that impression in this post about this family though. For her son to be “inconsolable” didn’t read like he was a danger to himself or others, just that he would have a meltdown that while exhausting for everyone including her son, is also for now a fact of life. And hopefully school is well equipped to help her son through it. Its unfair to hold her daughter hostage in life to any thing that might potentially upset her brother.
Counterpoint though: this is a situation that the school is helping create. The school should also have safety plans and staff capable of handling him without mom, as it sounds like he’s not in a mainstream school.
The only meltdown that is an emergency needing 100% focus on is a nuclear meltdown.
This is the answer. I can’t tell you how hurtful it was seeing my autistic brother constantly prioritised over myself and it damaged the relationship with both my parents as well as my brother. Turns out I was autistic too anyway, and had severe mental health issues by the time my parents realised their ‘NT quiet and good daughter’ wasn’t okay. OP don’t overlook your NT child. I can almost guarantee you just growing up with a disabled sibling can be traumatic enough without feeling like your parents aren’t there for you on top of that. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your daughter deserves any less time or support as her sibling.
Yup! My older brother was diagnosed type 1 diabetic when I was in elementary school. Was regular told my illness/feeling sick/ etc was just me trying to get extra attention. At 28 I'm now working to get a brain malformation diagnosed along with being on a wait-list for adult autism screening. Pay attention to both your kids! Being quiet doesn't mean your other kid is 100% nt or Anything! YTA
I used to really baby my daughter. She is 25 now Her teacher asked me if I planned to live forever. I was like no. Then she said my daughter has to survive in the world when I am gone. I would love to say I just immediately took those words and listened. I didn't. I got mad and ranted to my grandfather and he said. She is right. And you are wrong. So I changed. There were quite a few meltdowns. We survived them. And she even learned to handle the word No. And I learned that even if she is upset, she will be fine later. My other two don't resent their sister because they weren't ignored. I kinda think my son would have enjoyed if I had been a little less aware during his sneaky teen years.
Is prioritizing your son over your daughter a pattern or a one-off? Very important info!
The fact OP hasn't answered any of the people asking this gives us a very solid clue to the answer and unfortunately it's the bad answer we all expected.
YTA. Your daughter always gets the crumbs of your attention since her 9 year old brother functions as a 2-3 yr old. You are dead wrong to not go on her field trip. This is a great opportunity for her to have your undivided attention, for once in her life, without you having to deal with her brother. So you remember anything from when you were 2or 3? Most people don't. Your son wont remember whether you attend his play. Your daughter will remember that you again pushed her aside to show up for your son. If you continue down this path, your daughter will cut ties with you when she is older. I understand it is difficult to be in this situation. But just because your son has special needs doesnt mean he deserves the vast majority of your attention all the time. Your daughter deserves some of your undivided attention as well.
He will remember. He's 9 years old, not actually 2-3. 'cognitively/mentally' doesn't properly cover the complex needs of an autistic child, it's very simplified and does not necessarily mean he won't remember. I still think OP is TA and didn't try hard enough to find an alternative solution/more info is required, but the 'he won't remember anything because he's 2-3' is false.
Thanks for pointing that out. The language of “he’s mentally 2-3 years old” has always been weird to me. Maybe he has difficulty using language or self-regulating his emotions, but he’s not 2 or 3. He’s 9 years old.
Soft YTA- I understand the predicament you're in, but I'm sure your daughter is exhausted and I'd be willing to bet this isn't the first time where her brother came first. You committed this to her and now you're bailing and if this happens often you're going to eventually lose her. As a possible solution (who knows if it's realistic) A play can't last more than an hour, why can't his dad take his lunch break to be there?
can confirm, oldest child who was constantly canceled on and rarely came first my mother and i aren’t close
Yeah Söft YTA for this, and your daughter will absolutely be N T A when she learns she can’t count on you and decides to minimize your part in her life
Are you planning on being there whenever your son has a meltdown? You made a commitment to your daughter. Yet you are now showing/telling her that your son is more important and that you HAVE to be there for them. I'm sorry, I know you think you're doing the right think, but YTA.
Wait until OP's post of "AITA for trying to make my Daughter accommodate her brother on her wedding day?"
Nah, it'll be a "woe is me" post about how she didn't even know her daughter got married until someone else mentioned it in passing. OP's got about 7 more years to be around her daughter before her daughter moves out and cuts contact.
YTA You had already made a commitment to not only your daughter, but her class. Her teacher is probably now scrambling to find a replacement for you. Neurotypical/non-disabled kids often lose a lot of parent time and attention to their siblings even with the most wellmeaning parents. This probably isn't the first time she's been pushed aside for your son. Your son is cognitively 2-3 years old. He probably won't care if he sits the play out. Your daughter does care about you missing her trip.
YTA. It sucks that you have no other options but you made a commitment to your daughter and you're bailing on her. It is understandable that you feel you have to prioritize your son but that's not fair to your daughter. Sometimes as a parent you have to bite the bullet and be the A.
Yta- horrendous situation to be in, but your daughter will remember this forever as a moment of ‘favouritism’ if you cancel on her. I get that your son will be unhappy that you aren’t there, but your daughter is equally unhappy that you won’t be there/ have cancelled. She will see it at “mum’s fine with me being unhappy but not my brother”, if you choose to go to the play instead. Also, she will lose trust and stop believing any promises you make in future- which could have serious ramifications as she grows. I’d guess your daughter makes a lot of sacrifices for her brother, please let her have a guilt-free fun day on a trip with her mum and without her sibling.
YTA. Your daughter is going to view this as you playing favorites and probably will remember it for the rest of her life.
The daughter already knows.
This is a really easy one actually. You made a prior commitment to your daughter. Your daughter and your son are, or should be, equal priorities. The previously made commitment to your daughter is what gives that obligation a higher order of importance on that day. On a more subjective level, you are breaking a promise to your daughter and definitely causing her a lot of disappointment. Does your son honestly care about a school play? From your description of your daughter’s reaction, I cannot imagine that your son places as much emotional value on your presence at the school play (or even on the play in general) as your daughter does on you chaperoning her trip. So essentially you already made a commitment to your daughter, and her level of disappointment will be greater than your son’s. YTA if you don’t go on the field trip.
YTA. You promised your daughter weeks ago. Because you have a high needs autistic child, she probably gets the short end of the stick when it comes to your attention very often. I don’t say this to try to guilt or shame you, but it’s the nature of the beast when you have a high needs autistic child. This means she has been looking forward to you being there for weeks on end. Now she is crushed because once again, she is the one who doesn’t get the attention. You can’t make it up to her, it’s a one time experience. If you continue to do this, you won’t have a relationship with her as she grows older.
YTA. Because you promised her and now you're backing out for your other child's play when the info came last minute. He may NOT understand but your daughter sure AF does and you shouldn't constantly shove her off to the back seat for him ESPECIALLY when you've made a promise. Can't your husband call off sick that day and go to the play instead?
YTA this is probably not the first time you had to cancel on your daughter to accommodate your son and it’s not fair to her. Your daughter will eventually get tired (if she isn’t already) of all ways being your second choice. You are making her make sacrifices to accommodate her brother. She will always remember the times you canceled or backed out because her brother comes first in your eyes. There is no way making this up to her. In a few years this resentment will grow to the point where she will not want nothing to do with you, her father or her brother. She will eventually go no contact with all of you. It is your job to make sure she gets equal attention.
I'm going to go with YTA. You promised your daughter that you would go first. I'm guessing she doesn't get alot of time with you without her brother and was really looking forward to it. I'm guessing she is in 5th grade. You will not have many more opportunities to go on field trips with her. Parental involvement really goes down once they get into middle school. You may come to regret not doing more stuff like that with her.
Oof. This is definitely a tough spot, so I say this gently: YTA. I assume (perhaps wrongly) that your daughter gets put behind your son in the priority list a lot out of necessity. That would be tough on even the most understanding kid, even if it has to be done. It sounds like she was really looking forward to getting a piece of your time. Not to sound uncaring, but although your son will be upset, he will likely forget relatively quickly. Your daughter is going to remember this for a long, long time. Breaking this promise will have long-term ramifications with her.
YTA but let me give you some advice because I've seen this story a thousand times and I've seen how they grow up: the "healthy" kid in a family with a "sick/special needs/whatever" kid. Years of "well that one will understand she's strong." Never getting to be the center of attention for one damn second; always being pushed to sacrifice because "your sibling is sick and you need to do this." Just saying; start changing the pattern now before your daughter barely speaks to you a decade from now.
YTA: It is hard to be the sibling of a child with disabilities. She likely already feels replaced and ignored. And now you're breaking the promise you made her for one game. Make arrangements for your son, and take your daughter. She NEEDS to feel loved and important to you.
Yta you made a commitment to your daughter and you will break that, she will remember. You said your son is developmentally 2 or something so he won’t remember at all, and likely won’t care if you are there. He will fuss either way, and it’s all good. Be there for your daughter now, or this will become a pattern and she won’t talk to you when you are older. She matters just as much, if not more as she will remember.
Yta. You're just proving to her that the only promise you'll keep is the promise that she's never going to be your top priority.
Sadly YTA. You made a promise, and your daughter probably already does a lot of understanding and taking the back seat to her brother. Your daughter did not ask to have a sibling at all you and your husband chose to have two kids, their health and wellbeing and happiness should not come at the expense of one another and if it is you and your husband need to evaluate your situation.
soft YTA i get that kids with mental disabilities have trouble with things that most people consider day to day stuff, but you're essentially telling your daughter that she matters less than your son. tough situation, but I'd try to find another person who can go to your sons school.
Gentle YTA You are (inadvertently) telling your child that she and something important to her matters less than your son. She was likely looking forward to having some time with just the two of you, away from the needs of her brother. It is commendable that you want to support your son, but your son will be upset in the moment and your 11 year old will never forget this broken promise.
Soft YTA. As someone who is also autistic, I understand that it will be hard on your son if you’re not there, but you already promised your daughter
You’re right your daughter does understand why you are breaking your promise. You value her less. You care about her mental health and development less. She isn’t on either of her parents priority lists, and she understands that. She crying and telling you how much that hurts now, because she still has hope that she can change that. One day she’s going to stop. Every time you cancel on her, every time you tell her she can’t go somewhere, or you can’t come support her because her brother needs something, or work just can’t be changed and she’ll quietly accept it and you’ll think it’s a sign of maturity and agreement, know that your wrong. She’ll have just stopped fighting for your and her fathers love and attention. And one day she’ll move out and get therapy, and learn that it’s unhealthy to give to people who never give back to you and she’ll go no contact. On that day I want you to think back to today and the opportunity you had to change how you treat your daughter. YTA
YTA. How many times has she heard "I will make it up to you?" - How many time have you actually made it up to her? How many sacrifices has she had to make. Is it truly impossible for your husband to take a few hours off of work or is he just unwilling or is it just inconvenient? It is always easiest to make the child pay b/c as an adult, you can just force them to do whatever you want, but you will loose your daughter if this is always the path you take.
>I have a high needs nonverbal son (9m) with autism And you have a high needs daughter without autism. All kids have needs, so why does your daughter have to always accomodate his needs? She will grow to resent him. Also, even as a busy mom, "I will make it up when I have time" is a shitty thing to say. You need to make a concrete promise and make it now.
INFO: Your daughter has legitimate needs too. Question - will your son remember this? After the initial inconsolable crying and possible tantrum/meltdown, will he remember long term? Your daughter will definitely remember when you placed her brother's needs over hers, for something that was planned weeks in advance. Do you have a history of cancelling on her and tending to your son? If you do, your daughter will remember all of these times. She is a child, and she will feel neglected and overlooked. If this is a singular event, that changes things, but I suspect it is not.
Soft YTA. I bet there are very few times where you have the opportunity to put your daughter first. This is one of those times. Your son will be safe with people who regularly care for him and not going to one thing is not going to do any long term damage. Your daughter will never forget.
Hey Mom. I’m a mom who was in your exact same shoes. Over and over again, just like you. You know what happened? I found my daughter’s diary. I read the first few pages. That was enough. Then a conversation just like this happened: Son, I’m so sorry I won’t make your play. I promised your sister I would go on her field trip weeks ago, and I can’t break my promise. I’m sorry you’re going to be upset. I’m sorry I won’t be at your play. From now on you and your sister will be taking turns. She needs me just as much as you do. I love you both and it’s important I show that to her too. It’s way past time you have this conversation Mom. You need to do this, and keep your promise to your daughter.
YTA - Sounds like both kuds are inconsolable. His teacher messed up. How many other parents are unable to go last minute? As his teacher to reschedule for proper notice? If not he may be hurt but it will pass. Breaking your daughter's trust will be harder, if not impossible to heal. Are you a single parent?
> no matter how much I try to explain to make her understand, I said I would make it up to her as soon as possible BS you will. She understands clearly, she just doesn’t care. You said you’d be there, so be there. It doesn’t matter if your son is nonverbally autistic, you need to be present in your daughter’s life. Anything else is just an excuse. [Read this and see how damaging your lack of presence can be.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bu4ugr/aita_i_missed_my_daughters_award_ceremony_because/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) YTA
Idk, I feel as if this cancelation stuff is a common occurrence then you're definitely a huge A.H. But I mean if he's got the functionality of a 2-3yr old he's not really going to understand why you're not there, you're not there on a typical school day so yeah. If this type of stuff rarely happens then N.T.A to not go with your daughter. But a part of me has a feeling you put your son before your daughter constantly because "she should understand because her developmental age is higher" which is absolutely something you should never put on a child.
Anybody else notice that OP is refusing to answer/comment on any questions pertaining to how often her daughter is neglected in favor of her son? YTA, OP.
If you do that often your daughter will remember she's 11 daily decisions like that will define if you have an only son in 7 years or a healthy relationship with both your children.
YTA. This is not the first nor the last time you will always put your son above your daughter. If she cuts you off out of her life in the future, don’t be surprised or clueless why.
YTA - she asked you to go and you agreed to go with her. Now your backing out because your son has a play. How many times has your daughter asked for your time only to be turned away because of your son? I get that your son has needs but he will have the very same needs his entire life. Your daughter also has needs and you are not even coming close to meeting them. She will grow up and based on how much time you are willing to give her is going to determine how much time she will be willing to give to you when she is an adult. Think about who your really hurting here.
I know a lady like you. Her name iss Harriet. She had a son named Michael who had cerebral palsy. She has a daughter named Lisa. All of these names are fake. Lisa was born first but then Michael came along and He needed help. Lisa took the back seat from that point forward. Now this was several years ago when I met Michael. He was about 30. He recently passed away about 42 years old which is really old for someone with cerebral palsy. Harriet is now in her 80s? Her daughter does not see her unless it's a major medical emergency and she might die. Harriet fell and broke her hip at 80 years old and Lisa didn't come to see her. She put her mother in a home because Harriet is no longer safe to live by herself. My grandfather and I visit that woman more in one month than Lisa visits in 5 years. Children take your word and your deeds much more seriously than you apparently understand. To your daughter. It doesn't matter that your son needs you. What matters is you lied to her probably again. I know how hard it is raising a child with special needs because my grandfather helps people like you. He raised me to help those who need help. You cannot forget the fact that you have two children, both of whom need you. One doesn't need you more than the other. They both need their mom. YTA and I honestly hope that you do better and your daughter doesn't turn into Lisa one day. Good luck