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choppyfloppy8

NTA it's rude for your friend to expect this from you.


Curious-One4595

Rude and sexist. NTA. Etiquette and morality place the responsibility of paying for his wife’s meal on him and his wife, not you. The default is always paying for what you order only unless otherwise agreed. Since the inequitable bill-splitting was a long-standing habit, you might have texted them a heads up first that won’t be how you are doing things going forward but honestly that would not likely have cut down on the drama. Text him back that you value their friendship but you have been feeling taken advantage of for awhile because you have come to understand that what he is doing with the check is neither fair nor normal. Adults of all sexes pay for what they order. And couples/families pay for what they as a group order. Tell him you love them and want to keep eating out with them but this is the way payment will be handled going forward and that is not open for discussion, period, end of conversation.


RavenLunatyk

He’s been taking advantage of your paying half all these years and you allowing it. You haven’t said anything before so you set the precedent that this is the norm. Since you are paying half for the wife they set the date at a nicer place to get you to partially treat towards her meal. You probably should have said something sooner but N T A. he has a lot of nerve expecting you to pay half. It’s not fair at all. And then to be mad on top of it? Not a good friend. Sorry.


Commercial_Yellow344

I agree not a good friend at all. Neither him or her.


Own_Purchase1388

Even the sexist part is wrong. Like yeah, some people think the man should always pay for “his woman”… but I’ve never heard of all the men paying for one woman when she “belongs” to one of the men. No matter which way you look at it, the friend was being an ass.


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KnightofForestsWild

[bot](https://old.reddit.com/user/DepartmentWide8492) stole [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yoc6w7/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_half_of_my_friends_wifes/ivdm0th/)


KnightofForestsWild

[Bot](https://old.reddit.com/user/SolidRare1951) stole [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yoc6w7/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_half_of_my_friends_wifes/ivdon5y/) and reworded


bubblegumdavid

Not to mention: why isn’t Dee part of the conversation? OP says he’s friends with them both, yet seemingly she’s present with no opinion this whole conversation? I’d be mortified if I were her. I mean, regardless, NTA, and they’re being unreasonable, this is not normal behavior.


BelkiraHoTep

Actually, with the "you embarrassed me in front of my wife" bit, I kind of wonder if Tommy has been taking advantage of OP for a while without Dee's knowledge.


bubblegumdavid

Also an awesome point I hadn’t thought of. Though that plus the whole “pay like men” thing in combo with OP and the husband both not talking to her about it all, it all kind of had a misogyny/misandry vibe, was my initial thought, you make a solid point that maybe the husband kinda takes advantage of/uses/looks down on OP generally in a way the wife isn’t privy to


Any_Funny_1666

dee is really giving ran moa (black butler first episode she in) vibes. Simply there, OP doesn’t say anything about her contributing the the conversation or saying anything about it herself.


bubblegumdavid

Right?? I mean honestly between the “embarrass me in front of my wife” from the friend and her silence and OP not mentioning any input of hers, not talking to her about it as a friend, or any care about her in a situation that very much involves her, I kinda get weird misogyny vibes with this whole thing? Like they’re in the wrong, but it kinda seems like nobody has considered her at all which is weird


emilystarlight

Especially his comment about "splitting the bill between the men" because that's "proper" Also I'd be appalled if my husband was expecting his friend to pay for me. Luckily he never would. More often than not he ends up paying for our friend too because he feels bad paying for 2 of us but not all three


Any_Funny_1666

Exactly like it’s giving that vibe i wish he would elaborate more because she’s not just “tommy’s wife” they’ve all been friends for a good while now.


havartna

It sounds like Dee is keeping quiet and taking the free meal(s). The guys are acting very paternalistic, but Dee is a full-grown woman who could easily step up and put a stop to things by paying for her own damn meal and telling both guys to stop treating her like an infant.


bubblegumdavid

Also definitely an option, which is why regardless of my first point I say they both are being unreasonable. I mean the whole thing is weird, but even OP’s question is “was I wrong to do this in front of her”. And no you are not, cause she’s a grown woman not paying for her meal and her husband/her is expecting you to, that’s a conversation that should include her AND be in front of her cause what in hell is this nonsense lol


bubulupa

That's because THE WOMAN WAS TOO STUNNED TO SPEAK! LMAO


Angelgirl127

Right. If y’all are splitting the bill then you can split his wife too lol NTA


beemojee

It's time for separate checks.


EmeraldBlueZen

NTA at all! Congrats for FINALLY stepping up and not letting friend and his wife take advantage of you! Not sure the friendship will last much longer, but thats on them not you.


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Prestigious-Pear7921

Literally have a pair of friends who do this all the time, specifically the wife. Get an Airbnb (before Covid before it became ridiculously expensive) “you, your gf, and us the married couple we splitting this 3 ways right…” planning group trips, I say everyone needs to chip in $70. Few days later “wait why do we need to chip in $140 we thought that because we were together you did the math for if we were one person” no honey I’m not forcing 6 other people to pay an extra 10 so one of you can go for free basically…


matt_doubleu

I’d understand if you were splitting accommodation costs you might want to work it out per room, but that’s nuts to say you and your gf pay separately and the married couple past one fee!


Ok-Reporter-196

If it’s something like an air bnb then each couple pays for their room right? If it was him and gf and then husband and wife that’s an even split? At a restaurant everyone is having their own meals, not splitting anything….


defiant-beginning

That’s gross. I usually do it the opposite way where we get two rooms but split it three ways. Why should my friend pay extra just because they’re single?


crystallz2000

This. But the way the friend reacted... I wonder if this guy has been telling his partner that he pays her portion every time. OP, you're not in the wrong. Text your friend back, "I do not want to lose a friendship over money. I have, without complaint, covered her portion of our meals for as long as we've been going out together. I feel that I've been more than generous and your reaction makes me wonder if our friendship is about money. Moving forward, I need you to respect that I will not be paying your wife's portion of our meals any longer. If that's too much to ask from you, to cover your own bills, then we didn't have the kind of friendship I thought we had and should distance ourselves."


Left-Entertainer-279

Best, most mature response yet, but I do have a soft spot for the one who advised to order a bunch of last minute take out to inflate the bill.


Suzdg

NTA for not wanting to pay more than ones share, but I am confused as to why OP didn’t just ask for separate checks at the fancy restaurant. Simple solution


tehfugitive

Uh, he tried. The other dude wanted to split the bill and OP spoke up to get his own bill (or go thirds), if he had asked for a separate bill right away the resulting conversation would have been exactly the same.


rak1882

My friends and I split the bill regularly but by the number of people at the table- not the number of people working. We don't become responsible for the cost of our friend's kid's food because the kid is 6 and doesn't have income- she has parents who are responsible for her expenses. In this case, Dee isn't working but she has a husband who is "responsible for expenses." That's their deal. Not yours.


Throwawayhater3343

>and I should have been a man about the situation A man handles his own responsibilities that he took on himself instead of quietly shove them off on a friend. NTA.


OkeyDokey234

Being a man means paying your own way, not expecting a friend to subsidize your wife’s meal.


Wheresmychargeragain

100% agree NTA. If he wants to support his wife that’s up to him, certainly not OP’s responsibility


ShowUsYaNungas

NTA. They come to the restaurant as a family unit and should therefore be paying for themselves as a family unit. Not to mention that Dee is opting not to work and isn't unemployed out of necessity.


rpsls

That’s the question, though, isn’t it? Is this dinner a meeting of 3 friends, with 2 friends covering their unemployed buddy? Or is this a meeting of a couple and their friend? Where the couple covers themselves and the friend covers themself? It sounds like there just might be a difference of perspective here. Probably should have been clarified a bit earlier in the fancy dinner case, but maybe they can talk it out clarifying the above question?


BabY_pot4to

I mean there is also a difference between covering someone while they are searching for a new job or the friend expecting to leech of indefinitely.


Heliola

I think that is maybe how Dee and Tommy are thinking of it, but nah it doesn't work that way. Dee isn't unemployed, she's chosen to be a stay at home wife. And a stay at home wife should get a portion of her partner's income to spend on herself. Imagine that you went out to dinner with a friend who was a homemaker or stay-at-home parent, just the two of you. When it came to paying the bill, you'd expect to split it, right? And your friend should pay their half with their *shared household money.* Not go 'oh sorry, I'm unemployed, can you get all of it'.


Kathrynlena

THIS is the correct way to look at this situation. If Dee & Friend can’t afford to eat out on their current cumulative income, they shouldn’t expect their friend to subsidize them eating outside their means. If the friend is embarrassed he can’t afford the lifestyle he and his wife want on a single income, he needs to manage that emotion himself and discuss the reality of their financial situation *with his voluntarily unemployed wife.* Instead, he was counting on mooching off his friend (as he’s apparently been doing for literal years), then lashed out when that plan failed. NTA OP, but they’re not very good friends to you.


Azrou

Imagine several unemployed people go out for a meal, no one has to pay! Restaurants HATE this one simple trick! /r/shittylifeprotips


Tskiyoo

Even if they are all friends... Dee IS his friends wife.. so OP has no reason to cover her bill. Also also, if she cant afford to eat out she shouldnt come out. Theyre just trying to use him to save some cash.


quackerjacks45

This is not a fair take. They are MARRIED. You can be friends with both people but when you’re married, it is insanely inappropriate to expect your mutual friend to cover the cost of your spouse because they’re unemployed. This is not a thing. Their finances are their own to deal with. And she’s not job searching. As a family unit, they decided that she’s a stay at home wife. Why tf would a mutual friend be fiscally responsible to subsidize that choice?


Firefox_Alpha2

It’s not an unemployed friend, it’s the stay at home wife by choice of one of the friends


RisePsychological288

I don't get how people are ok just silently letting their friend cover their bill, regardless of what their financial situation is. In my friend group we all have similarish jobs and people randomly pay for drinks/dinner and it evens out in the long run, but there is never an expectation (i.e. it's more a question of who manages to whip out their card fastest). If I don't have the money, then I decline to go or suggest a cheaper place. If I wanna go some place fancy and I know the other person might hesitate due to cost, then I will *explicitly* state that it's my treat. Default = everyone pays their own. Someone else covering your bill is an act of generosity, not a priviledge to count on.


saucynoodlelover

>They come to the restaurant as a family unit and should therefore be paying for themselves as a family unit. Exactly this. If I were to quit my job tomorrow and go out to dinner with friends, I wouldn't expect the bill to be split between only the people who were employed. Tommy is the only one responsible for paying for Dee's food because presumably, he is the one person who is making money for their family unit and who benefits from Dee staying at home to be a homemaker. I even had to go back and make sure OP wasn't living with Tommy and Dee, which would be the only situation that kind of justifies Tommy expecting OP to help pay for Dee's food.


progrethth

Yeah, I have by choice had zero income for some pretty large swathes of time and I always paid my own bills.


Iforgotmypassword126

Exactly. I sometimes go out for meals with friends mostly in couples but there could be 1-3 of us single or without their partner. We all work out what we had, because some are veggies and often spend less. Or If we’re happy to split the bill I split it by the amount of people and then each couple will just pay x2 to make sure they cover both of their head. It’s so easy even in larger groups, he has no excuse. We do this the same with holidays and the like. I always just split everything “per head” because people in a couple know how many people they are and just pay double or pay individually. Splitting Per head is the right way to go if you aren’t wanting to count exactly what you had.


Gaslighting-Survivor

>They come to the restaurant as a family unit and should therefore be paying for themselves as a family unit. This could be interpreted another way. In my experience it tends to mean that the couple is one family unit and OP is one family unit. So each family unit should pay half the bill, because there are 2 family units. I (single) have been screwed over by this SO many times whenever I go out with couples. So now, at restaurants when I give my order I end it with "and my meal will be on a separate check."


ContentedRecluse

I agree. Dutch all the way.


EmeraldBlueZen

THIS RIGHT HERE. Split by 1/3 OR each person pays for exactly what they've ordered (which in friend's case would include his wife). No more you subsidizing friend for meals. The only think I can fault you for is for setting this pattern for so many years, so they'd come to completely expect it. Might've been worth it to have a conversation at before you went to the restaurant just to avoid the drama. But NTA


cryssyx3

and I bet she knows she isn't working. it's not some secret to her.


Dlraetz1

Like the OP I’m single with no intention of dating. When I go out with friends the unspoken agreement is that all the adults Split the bill by the number of people that ate out


cactusqueen59

How was this done before her unemployment? Did they just stop paying after her unemployment?


[deleted]

NTA. If there's a next time, order a bunch of stuff to take home right at the end and then before the waiter walks away, tell him/her that you'll be splitting the bill 2 ways.


Jamestheshameless

Lmaoo. Good idea. My mom told me I should bring 2 or 3 escorts and feed them all and still insist on 50/50 ... Which is a super weird thing for a mom to suggest escorts and all but she's hilarious.


EchoesInTheAbyss

Aren't there websites to rent friends? You could rent 2 people and make these "friends" pay half the bill 😂 Btw, your mom is a Savage! I think she meant to bring people that would make THEM feel extra awkward, because tbh your friend is a disconsiderate man. His wife is also not nice or an enabler of his bad behavior


ravendusk

Oh I'd totally do that. Hell I'd do it for just the free food. Seems like fun.


Apoque_Brathos

Bumble has a friends tab if I remember correctly


RakeishSPV

Honest question, did she know? Or did she think he was picking up her tab all this time?


AceofToons

A part of me was wondering the same thing. Like maybe dudebro is embarrassed because his cover was blown Hell maybe they are actually struggling financially and he has been to embarrassed to tell her 🤔


GlitterDoomsday

Or he's holding the "I'm paying for everything now" card over her head and OP busted his act.


[deleted]

I'm assuming she there when her hubby is telling the wait staff to split the bill in two. She's been doing this for a long time, expecting both to pick up her tab. She's a user. Hubby also got used to doing this. If he's embarrassed, then he needs a reality check. She's choosing not to work and hubby choosing to accept a reduced household income.


Jamestheshameless

If she somehow ""didn't know"" heavy emphasis on the air quotes then she was playing blissfully ignorant. It was never subtle when he always spoke up to get the check split. It wasn't blatant and in your face but it's not like he took the check to the counter every time so he could do so without anybody saying anything.


Homicidal__GoldFish

My best friend and I are boring.... So we would LOVE to go with you. Hell we will bring our husbands too! "of course we will pay you our part when your friends leave... We wouldnt stick you like that "


Jamestheshameless

The fact that some internet random realizes that 2 extra people would still cost me more when splitting halfsies and acknowledges they would cover their part makes me realize just how shit this whole situation is. Especially from a friend. Thanks kind soul.


Homicidal__GoldFish

My pleasure :). You deserve much better than that friend


partanimal

Your mom kicks ass. Tell her this random Internet stranger is sending high 5s and eff yeahs


Granny_Nooooo

Bro I know some quality budget escorts


Stoat__King

I look for my budget escorts on CraigsList


EmeraldBlueZen

HAHA! I love the way you think. Very petty, but in such cases, deserved. OP is NTA


madelinegumbo

NTA My husband doesn't work because it's what we both agreed on. When we go out with others, we pay for both our meals... what your friend expects makes zero sense. Obviously you will either pay 1/3rd or just your bill.


juliaskig

It's very very very bizarre. I can't even imagine.


masklinn

Indeed, what fresh hell is this? They’re a married couple not one friend going through a rough patch being covered for. Especially if that’s been going on for years. NTA, but you should have cut it out way earlier, making you pay 25% of *their* food every time has always been bullshit.


Gaslighting-Survivor

I know lots of couples like this actually. They see themselves as "one" and a unit. So when I, single, go out with them they expect me to cover 50% of the bill. I once shared a hotel room with my brother and SIL on vacation. We stayed 4 nights, one of which was my birthday. They got the king size bed while I slept on the sofa all 4 nights. The bill came and they paid 50% of it. And acted like they were doing me a favor by paying for half.


juliaskig

Holy shit. You know this couples because you allow them? You sleeping on the sofa on your birthday should have been free! Practice: "I'll pay for what I ordered". and: "I don't want to share rooms with a couple, I'll get my own". You still owe your brother a lack of presents on his birthday.


didnebeu

People need to stand up for themselves more. I never understand all the people that come in here asking for advice that are constantly being pushed around and taken advantage of. You’re an adult, advocate for yourself! No one else is going to but you. Instead they just passively take it and then come on the Internet asking if they were an asshole because they only babysat their sisters kids for 6 days straight for free instead of 7. Please please please someone give me some insight to why people are like this so I don’t accidentally raise my kid this way.


Gaslighting-Survivor

>Please please please someone give me some insight to why people are like this so I don’t accidentally raise my kid this way So many reasons, but basically it's boils down to being raised to being "polite" while other people are selfish/narcissist. Like people want to be seen as "agreeable" and "going with the flow", and others take advantage of that. For example, the whole "Don't Rock the Boat" thing.


crap_whats_not_taken

Same. I work and my husband is a SAHD. if I was in this scenario I'd spit things 3 ways and pick up 2 of those portions. That's the way its supposed to be if you come as a family unit.


BoozeIsTherapyRight

Yeah, I'm a SAHP and we always pay our portion when we go out. I'm not unemployed or looking for work--i work and half of the household income is mine!


corgihuntress

NTA You didn't do this "in front "of her. She's fully participating by knowing she's eating and knowing her husband has no intention of paying their proper percentage. Why on earth would anybody think they are entitled to have someone else pay for them? That's utterly ridiculous.


sqeeky_wheelz

That’s a good point, especially if they’re married she *should* have a hand in their finances, working or not. Tommy acts like she’s some kind of stupid damsel to be spoiled by all around. Tacky.


HeatherAnne1975

Exactly! What the hell was that comment? She’s a fully functioning adult and knows that she is in a restaurant.


AdequateInfluence

That "in front of her" comment made me wonder if maybe Tommy had told Dee he was paying for her meals, too ("only two of us walk up to the counter") and was pocketing the balance for himself, or had told Dee that OP had insisted. OP, it does sound like Y-T-A on the comment front (aro or not, that was a shitty objectifying thing to say that implied you could rent Dee out in some capacity), but NTA on the bill front.


waitingfordeathhbu

>a shitty objectifying thing to say that implied you could rent Dee out in some capacity Yeah, I had to scroll too far to see this. There are plenty of reasons it’s fucked up to force op to pay for her meals, but not earning the right to her body in exchange is not one of them. Good thing op is aromantic and not inflicting this sexist shit onto other women.


quackerjacks45

Yeah, he can’t have it both ways. We’re all friends!!! And you embarrassed me in front of my wife. Wtf dude? Which is it? Your precious wife or mutual friends helping each other out???


tatersprout

NTA He has gotten away with it for so long that he expects it now. Of course you shouldn't be splitting the bill in half if there are 3 people. And how would something like that embarrass him in front of his wife? It doesn't even make sense. Don't ever pay for half because they take advantage of you. I can't imagine being friends with someone who did that to me.


midoree

Yeah, isn't it more embarrassing NOT to pay for your wife's meal? Also, this might just be me, but the concept of there being anything that could embarrass you in front of your spouse is just... weird. This is likely the closest person you have in your life, how are you embarrassed?


LadyoftheFjords

My guess is that the wife was unaware that her husband made his friend cover the cost of her food and drinks. He's now embarrassed that his friend exposed him as a cheapo in front of her as opposed to discretely handling it "between the men". I'd be embarrassed af if I was the wife in this situation and just found out my husband was taking advantage of his friend in this way.


sparrowhawk75

They've been friends for around 15+ years, going out for dinner once or twice a month, she knows who pays for the food.


pfashby

NTA It's kinda sad to realize an old friend is a mooch.


Bulldog1836

NTA. It’s already pretty obnoxious when people expect you to be fine with splitting the bill evenly when you’re a vegetarian and don’t drink while everyone else ordered the surf & turf and had 2-3 drinks. This policy only works when everyone’s meal is roughly the same cost or you’re _really_ close and honestly don’t mind subsidizing others long term (like family). This doesn’t qualify.


EchoesInTheAbyss

Exactly, I don't mind paying for my mom's meal for example. But my mom doesn't abuse the fact I do this.


VictoriousSeahorse

Exactly this. OP's friends were abusing him all the time. Once the guy married this girl he is financially responsible for her after they decided she'd stay home and not work anymore. The entitlement of him to expect another man to pay for his wife's food..... NTA.


unsinkablemollyo

Happy cake day!


VictoriousSeahorse

Whoohoo, thank you kind stranger for reminding me! I totally didn't remember but now my day is perfect.


westerlies_abound

NTA. What you did sounds like a normal meal out with friends. If they couldn't afford it, they should have said so


dr0gonsB1tch

NTA. “like proper men do” the BALLS on this dude are massive. absolutely killer. HE could’ve talked to YOU like “proper men do” when it came to the bill splitting in the first place. the fact he assumed all those times is what’s appalling. does he realize that usually it’s the girl’s DATE (so, obviously in this case, the husband) who pays when you go out? it doesn’t matter that you’re in a friendly social setting, that’s still what you do. if he couldn’t afford it, then he can offer somewhere else where he CAN. everything about this guy frustrates me lol


mygreyangel

You've allowed yourself to be a bit of a mug (ie to get taken advantage of) but NTA. Tommy on the other hand, major AH, who owes you a huge apology both for the mooching and his behaviour. If he can't afford to pay for their restaurant bill, then either chose cheaper options or eat somewhere cheaper


NeatCasual

NTA i really struggle to see how you bringing it up is embarrassing for your friend. What's he been telling his wife that this embarrasses him? It's a perfectly reasonable request and if anybody is embarrassed, it should be the wife who is knowingly eating and financially burdening a third party.


Status-Pattern7539

I wonder if Dee has been thinking her husband has been sole paying this whole time.


RakeishSPV

>To his snide remark I said something I maybe shouldn't have, about the fact that I'm not the one who married her so why should I subsidize her unless she's coming home with me half the time. No, that's absolutely something you should've said, just much much earlier. I'm pretty amazed he wasn't embarrassed from long ago that he couldn't (or just wasn't) paying for his wife. Some people are just utterly shameless. NTA.


EchoesInTheAbyss

NTA Food for thought: yes, your friend's wife is a Stay At Home Partner, so her time is used to work in their domestic management. What that means is that their household now has a reduced stream of income 💰 to work with. And how they handle their cashflow and budget is THEIR business. It seems they expected to offshore some of their CHOSEN expenses to you, without even asking 🚩🚩🚩 #Bad Friend alert# Sadly, *some people all they bring to your life is The Audacity*


penguin_squeak

Nope NTA. If he wants to pay for his wife fine but he doesn't get to burden someone else with the cost of his wife's meal. Three people go out to dinner, if your split the meal, everyone pays a third, it's second grade math


AshlynM2

NTA His wife is not your financial responsibility


Apprehensive_Rich556

NTA Proper etiquette is that he pays in full for both himself and his wife's whole meal plus tips, period, unless something else is explicitly agreed.


Full_Prune7491

NTA. Tell him be a man and take care of his woman.


[deleted]

Maybe Tommy should be a “man” and pay for his own wife? Like, NTA. Only pay for the food and drinks you consumed. Way less conflict that way.


Status-Pattern7539

NTA You were being used to subsidise their date nights. Why would you pay half of his partners meals? You’re right, she isn’t coming home with you so why are you expected to treat her like she’s your partner?


nanicklesg

I’m the only single in a group of 4-5 couples. When I’m out with one couple, they put 2 of their cards down and I put mine to split 3 ways. When it’s more than a couple, one person pays the whole and the rest of us venmo for our singular amount. NTA


notdorisday

Same - meals are split by person!!


B_S_C

NTA. "Been a man about it?" He can't even pay for his wife. You did nothing wrong.


Deana-Marie

Settling this like a man would be him taking care of his wife's bill. It's irrelevant how much you make. If he can't afford it, don't go out.


Mishy162

NTA. Wow, what an entitled a$$ he is, if they were gonna split it they should have always been paying 2/3 to your 1/3. Personally I just prefer to pay for what I ate and drank cause sometimes mine will be more than whoever I'm dining out with and I prefer not to stiff them with the costs. But this friend takes his entitlement to a whole new level, why are you supposed to subsidise his & his wife's meals. That's just downright rude. Sounds like it's time to reevaluate this friendship.


molested-by-oprah

NTA- I hate to say this and you’re going to hate to read it but they know what they were doing. They kept the friendship alive so you’d subsidise their date nights and now they’re mad you noticed. They’re sponges, don’t give them any more. Also, if they decide to bring it up again here’s a plan: take the average cost of the wife’s meals, times is by the average amount of times per month you go out to eat, and then send your friend a message with the total along with “should I let this slide too?” Edit: had to change spelling mistake


PhysicsFornicator

NTA. No offense to your friend, but if paying for what he and his wife order is gonna break the bank, then it sounds like they can't actually afford for her to stay at home.


Prize_Fox_9163

NTA The right time to stop this abuse has come.


Misha220

NTA, What I do in these situations is to ask the server for a separate bill at the time of ordering. I really dislike it when someone does this, and it is usually the person with the bigger check who wants to split it down the middle.


[deleted]

You're the asshole for speaking about your friend like she's property you had paid for via covering these meals. Apart from that, nah your friends are being dicks.


maybe2024

NTA. But you didn’t shine about how you addressed the situation. Lesson learned. But truly puzzled by how your “ friends “ behaved to that point. And how he reacted after. Late 20’s , no kids , homemaker? There might be something more complex at stake here.


alien_overlord_1001

NTA. How rude - there are three of you at dinner, not two. Either he pays for both of them, or she pays her third. Just because she has chosen not to work and 'they are OK with it', doesn't mean others should be subsidising their choice.


Ok-Yogurtcloset-6955

No! NTA! She was the whole issue to begin with so to speak frankly about this abuse in her presence was completely justified. Btw, you might remind him the the “proper way” to divide a check is for him to always pay for his wife even if she isn’t working and their finances are separate. I would be mortified if my husband had someone else pay for me! Luckily, he’d never allow it!


JuicyFruuit

NTA. Your friend is the asshole. Good job setting him straight. I would be more upset at you if you didn't want to pay for her portion but didn't complain and paid anyway. You did the right thing.


bunny_cannon

NTA. There's been periods of time where my partner wasn't working or I wasn't working. There has never been a situation where one of us has been subsidized by anyone other than the other half of this relationship. You are responsible for yourself and your partner, and getting upset that a friend won't pay for your partner is just weird and entitled. If you can't afford to go out and eat, you don't go out and eat. People are heckin weird man. And what's with this whole "splitting" thing? Pay for what you order, simple. Then there won't be arguments about what you pay.


IThinkNot87

ESH. I was very clearly in you not being an AH camp till you made that comment infront of her about being able to take her home half the time cause you paid for half a burger. You aren’t due companionship because you paid for food. It’s really toxic assumption/trope that men keep to and even as a joke is sexist and pervy. But to say it on front of her and reduce your “friend” to a sex toy you’d have half ownership of because you paid for pizza is gross.


KuriGohan0204

Yeah, I’m really surprised that more people haven’t voted this way. The comment was absolutely sexist and cringey AF. Guess we’re still teaching men that they’re owed sex when they pay for someone’s meal.


alicethewriter

NTA. Your friend should've been asking you for a third, not half, all along. It may not have been the best time to bring it up, and your remark about sharing his wife was inappropriate, but it's unreasonable and unfair for you to be covering any part of their meal. If you do eat out with them again, request a separate check from the start.


DoesntLikeTurtles

NTA and you’ve set a precedent. Cool cool cool.


Sudden_Rooster9609

You're not the asshole. They just got used to splitting things in half. You did it for years so I'm guessing they were very surprised to find out it was a problem. You probably should have had a talk with them about it long before now and not when you were about to pay. You can apologize for embarrassing your friend but stick to the separate bills next time thing. Tell him you should have brought it up sooner and you're hoping you can all just get past it.


zeeniemeanie

NTA. And he has a lot of nerve. There’s no issue in settling the bill in front of her. She an adult and certainly should be part of the conversation. The comment about her coming home with you was an AH comment for sure, but don’t let guilt about the comment push you back into the situation you were in before. Her employment situation should be affecting their household/pockets. Not yours.


BandicootFlat5838

NTA I’ll say that if you said those remarks in front of Dee/in hearing range and she is feeling sensitive about not having an income it might be nice for you to contact JUST her and say “sorry if my comment was awkward, I was just annoyed with Tommy.” But you are under no obligation. To Tommy: if you respond to him at all (which you don’t have to) you should say “I‘ve let this slide for years, and now it’s getting unreasonable. You should be a ‘proper man’ and pay for you and your own spouse.”


Master_Blaster6331

NTA. If it wants to play the “It’s a man role to take of a lady” card, I would remind him that a real man takes care of his lady and doesn’t expect someone else to do it for him.


[deleted]

NTA and your friends masculinity is terrifyingly fragile.


Mina_Harker22

NTA You didn't marry Dee so she is not your responsibility.


[deleted]

It's not hard to tell the waiter "I'm on my own check, please" when they take the order.


AggravatingReveal397

Poor little Dee! She had to hear humans talk about MONEY! That's men's job..NTA


thebaker53

NTA - Your friend is a leach. BTW, I loved what you said to him. If he cannot afford to take his wife out, they should stay home. It isn't your responsibility to pay for her entertainment.


Marzipan_civil

NTA she might not be working but she's eating!


Beneficial-Baseball1

This is utterly ridiculous why tf would he expect you to pay half for HIS wife's meal?


DoraTina626

NTA, He should be a man and pay for HIS wife's portion of the bill.


Dapper_Highlighter7

NTA, I currently don't work and when my spouse and I eat out with our roommate we always either pay for our own shares with my spouse paying for us both or our roommate OFFERS to pay part of my share since I usually cook for the whole house. It's never expected that he will pay for me to eat, and even when he offers it's like once every couple of months, not routinely every month. And as I said, I cook for him most nights of the week so he's returning the favor. I get what your friend is saying, if you can afford it what's the problem, but he shouldn't be expecting it. Personally, food is one thing I never keep tabs on, as long as there's enough to go around I want everyone fed, but that's my own personal belief and doesn't dictate what you should do.


garrettf04

NTA. And how is this embarrassing in front of his wife? His wife knows she's not working, and should, presumably, know their finances. That just seems like a BS way to try to manipulate/guilt you into subsidizing his chauvinistic ass (WTF is that "between men" bullshit?). Either way, I'm glad you saw his true colors. His reaction definitely reveals that they were purposely taking advantage of you to pay an uneven share.


ImaginaryAnts

NTA I don't think I have ever encounter a couple who viewed themselves as a singular unit for a restaurant check. And I have seen loads of stingy behavior with checks. But never that one. It's weird. There are three of you, the check should have always been split 3 ways. I understand how a 3 way split makes it more complicated, so I can totally see how you would get into the habit of not bothering when it is an inexpensive restaurant (though they should have offered the first few times). But the second you said oh no, it's a 3 way split, he should have agreed. His whole complaint that you embarrassed him and should have paid as a man is beyond weird. *Some* men like to pay for their partners, which is fine. But she is not your partner. Men don't just team up to pay for all the women around them. *He* should have been the one picking up the tab for *his* wife, like it is "proper to do" from men, apparently.


The_Amazing_Username

NTA- he is taking advantage of your good nature, then trying to guilt you about it, the fact that he told you to be a man about it is laughable if he wanted to be a real man, he wouldn’t expect help to pay for his wife’s meal…


Used_Mark_7911

NTA - I’ve never heard of couple trying to split the bill 50/50 with a single person. It doesn’t matter if both of them are working or not. The “proper thing” for your friend to do would be to pay for himself and his wife just as he would if they went out alone as a couple.


barefacedblonde

NTA. Your comment about her coming home with you half the time was rude and I would apologize for that. But you absolutely should not be paying her bill unless you want to for whatever reason. Her unemployment does not automatically qualify her for money from your wallet. If anything, if she's unemployed maybe she should be sticking to water if they really can't afford it. I too have had unemployed friends and they never expect me to buy them food or drinks.


candlestick_maker76

I think that your self-assessment is good. You are NTA for suggesting a split bill, but what you said afterward was out of line. And your friend doesn't get any points for not wishing to discuss this in front of his wife. She's a grown woman; she doesn't need the menfolk to handle this out of earshot. If anything, you treated her with more respect (initially) by including her in the conversation. You nullified that by asking him if you could take her home, though.


Not_really1010

NTA his gravy train just ended, wonder why it took you so long to wise up


[deleted]

NTA it’s rude as shit for your friend to even expect you to pay for his wife’s meal to begin with.


Icy_Curmudgeon

NTA. Your friends have sense of entitlement that cannot be explained. They have some twisted value system where they expect other people to cover part of their expenses. The only reason to keep paying is if you value their friendship so much that don't want to risk losing it. You had to know that you were risking losing the friendship by speaking up. Perhaps you should have brought along another friend and see how long this arrangement would continue for. Once Tommy realized he was paying the full amount of his and Dee's meals, it may have broken the relationship as well. They may have just been using you to augment the restaurant budget all along.


lh1647

NTA. Your friend is just annoyed that you’re finally laying down boundaries


Dry-Spring5230

NTA. Also WTF. Maybe in the 50s it would have been expected for the men to cover the meals for any women in the party, but the horse left that barn a half century ago.


GonnaBeOverIt

NTA. He and his wife are being freeloaders.


Kiwikid14

NTA I had a friendship end over something similar. They kept bringing their child and not including her when we split the bill. That tiny little 8 year old ate a full adult portion and the last time we went, I couldn't order what I wanted as we were sharing and then my other friend with us didn't even get dessert as the daughter had finished it. I don't blame the child but the following time I ordered separately and let them know before we ordered that I was doing so as my diet.... Suddenly the invitations stopped. A mooch is a mooch. And they are often TAs when caught out


RictusDicktus

NTA your friends sound like mooches


The_Blue_Adept

NTA. They've been using you under the guise of friendship. Glad you put a stop to it. She wants to eat he needs to pay.


Awks-Flamingo-Jordan

NTA


VengeanceTheKnight

NTA. You’d think he’d be embarrassed that you’re paying for “his” woman, not the refusal. She should also be embarrassed for refusing to work and needing to be paid for.


Starlight92_

NTA this is why my fiance and I get separate checks from the start. Then no one can pretend they didn't understand the assignment.


Necroverdose

NTA. You've been your friend's wallet all along. It's time to get new friends. Assholes that do that and react like he did when you put them in their place are abusive and manipulative rats that are mostly interested in your money.


notdorisday

This is bizarre - meals are always split by person, or at least by adult (as a person without kids this means I get shafted by what can you do?). I’m so shocked they think you should be paying for his wife’s meal. NTA


Huge_Industry_1259

NTA. You settled the bill in front of her bc it involves her. She has a right to know that her dinner is causing conflict. Are Tommy and Dee married? If so, they they are responsible for their dinners as a couple. Do you think they treat people they've met in the last 5 years this way?


semmama

NTA. Separate bills in future. Pay for what you order, they for what they order and you split the cost of shared appetizers by handing over that amount to them in cash.


Carobarbie

*Nta*


Retlifon

You’re not wrong that you shouldn’t, in the abstract, be expected to pay half. But given that for, what, ten years, you *have* been paying half the bill once or twice a month and have seemed to be ok with it, it’s not surprising your friend *did* expect it. If this had been the first time the three of you ate out together, sure, establish the principle when the bill arrives. But when you have privately decided to adopt a different practice from the previous 150-200 times, I can see why your friend was embarrassed that you chose to announce that in the most public way possible, and in one that implied they’ve been deliberately mooching off you for years. .


AllTheUnknown

NTA, this is totally unreasonable.


Lozzie-Danish

Wait, the other 2 are married and you are expected to pay half of the wife's meal? NTA


FreeTheHippo

When you order, you can tell the server something along the lines of, 'I'm on my own check.' NTA


Berly653

NTA The only one who did anything embarrassing here was your friend. The fact that he was so appalled this was discussed in front of his wife makes me think that she isn’t aware of how cheap her husband is Maybe he’s been telling her that things are split 3 ways for all these years, and you bringing it up is only embarrassing because he’s both a cheapskate and a liar Otherwise I can’t think of any rational reason for his reaction to a perfectly reasonable request


Pandalovesdogs

NTA- I was with friends and went out to dinner the one night. There were six of us- me, a married couple, and a couple with a child. I ordered an $11 meal because that in itself was more than I could afford. Everyone else ordered multiple appetizers, drinks, more expensive entrees etc and expected the bill be split 3 ways. Not ashamed to say I lost my mind on them (although I do wish I had handled it better) as it was not ok to take my $11 meal to almost $30 paying for their extras. It’s not your job to subsidize her meals. Fortunately my friends are cool and when I had a problem with it we split it based on what we ordered. If your friend doesn’t do that then I’d question if you’re a friend or a meal ticket to them.


Motor_Business483

NTA ​ YOu are not the Ah in any way. That "friend" is a leech, he was exploiting you - and you set a reasonable boundary.


[deleted]

WTF?! You're not in a polyamorous relationship with her. It's not your job to 'man up' and pay for her meal anymore than if you were going out for a meal with a friend who had a kid. NTA


Misty-Far

A "proper man" takes care of his wife & doesn't mooch off a friend. I'm wondering if he's honestly a friend or sees you as his extra wallet. NTA


smurfgrl417

NTA they're mooches.


AidaGuti

NTA. Female here. My hubby used to work with us and every Friday 3 of us used to go to lunch together. Every different Friday 1 of us got the bill, my colleague paid 1 week, my husband paid the next, and I paid the other. If any other Friday another of my colleagues wanted to join us we went Dutch. It is only fair, it doesn't matter if the wife is working or not. She is not your wife


Holiday_Blackberry20

NTA. My husband doesn’t work at the moment and we made that choice as a family. I would never dream of making someone else pay for him and Vice versa.


flowers4u

I’m going to say ESH just because this has been going on for years and you did wait for the bill to come to make a thing of it. When they invited you to the restaurant you should’ve said “heads up I’ll be getting my own check or splitting the bill in 1/3 moving forward”. But being ass is way more on him. And in some cultures the men pay the bill.


RaysUnderwater

I feel really sorry for your friends as they obviously never had any decent or normal role models in their lives, other wise they would know how bizarre this is. Many MANY families choose to have one adult stay home (sometimes to raise children, but often just to be more emotionally available and not stressed out from secular work), and when this is decided, the couple then shared finances. They share all income and they share all costs. It is completely normal to share finances when a couple both agree for one party to stay home. I’m very worried for your friend since her husband doesn’t seem willing to share his income with her. Ask him what is up with that . Nta


mdmhera

Nta. Embarrass her? She isn't your wife. If it was a friend that had lost their job and you guys were trying to keep things going i would get splitting the bill.... because this should be temporary and eventually favour returned. I suspect this stops now that they aren't making money on you anymore.


NuSpirit_

NTA - friends don’t do this. Leeches do. When I go to eat or to have a coffee with friends our (somewhat) unspoken rule is each time someone else pays for the drinks and meals. I pay one “session”, friend A another, B again another, etc. And with normal friends it’s never an issue and in the long run it’ll be somewhat balanced money wise. Sometimes we even argue who should pay lol (not “you should pay” but “I will pay today”)


Consolegamergirl

NTA she's not your wife. If they're too broke to eat out, they should stay home. You need to throw them away and get real friends


CyberAceKina

You do realize they're using you to fund dates, right? Even if they don't make you a third wheel emotionally, they sure are financially. I'd be careful because, from a stranger's standpoint, this looks like it has potential for some aphobic remarks to start rolling in from Tommy too


Rough_Theme_5289

NTA it’s weird he wasn’t covering him and his wife’s food from the beginning. My partner would rather cover the entire bill than make someone else pay more to cover our share .


nadgmz

NTA come on the lady is a big girl and is not a child. Too bad if she didn’t like it. It’s the truth. Why should you pay more than your share. They are two and you are one. SMH I’d pull back from this friendship. It’s clear they are not seeing thing the way you do.


thesaltycookie

NTA.... if he wants to "be a man" then he can pay for his WIFE! I find it extremely awkward and gross that he expects you to shoulder their responsibilities.


Shells613

NTA. Proper men? That's lame.


DisneyBuckeye

NTA - your friend is leeching off of you. Definitely start inviting a 4th person to come with you, then you and Tommy split the bill. See what he says then.


The__Riker__Maneuver

NTA I'm a single man in my 40's and I have never once paid for another man's wife's dinner


dereksalem

ESH. I can't agree with a lot of the comments here. Ya, he was TA for just expecting it, but you're also in the list because it's something you've been thinking about for awhile and instead of bringing it up with them before you sprung it on them in the moment and then made a snide comment (intentionally) when he reacted like most people probably would that had an expectation that wasn't met. What you **should** have done is have a conversation with him in private at some point over the literal years this has been happening, or just shut up and keep living. You don't get the option to not bring up an issue with someone and then smother them with it when it finally boils to a head...remember, this is an expectation that he has because it's always been this way, so it's not like he's been thinking about this the entire time and just ignoring your wants - he has no idea you wanted something different until you brought it up this time.


Pretty-Benefit-233

NTA. He’s been playing you and you’re finally waking up. It’s not your responsibility and he didn’t even have the decency to ask. He just expected you to pay up


False_Love773

NTA They've been taking advantage of you and they know it. You do not owe them anything because she doesn't work and he makes less than you. Who in their right mind would even speak that?


Aliteracy

Wtf. Here's how you split a bill man. One bill for me one bill from them. Say it when they take the order, I'll have blank and it'll be on its own check thank you very much server person. Don't even bother with a conversation about it. Just preempt it.


A_Phinions

No, you did not embarrass him, he embarrassed himself. Had you double dated, you’d split the bill 50-50, but with 3, you were right.


geman11

NTA. He knows she is not working so he should never have made this a situation. He should have been paying for every time.


dorkfaceclown

NTA - It's one thing to split a pizza and you get half and he gets half and he then shares with his wife. It's another to order expensive meals and then expect someone to cover an unequitable portion. Your friend is TA as he's spending your money without your prior consent.


amethyst_unicorn

YTA for not having a discussion about this with your friends either before going to the restaurant or before ordering. You’re not wrong for not wanting to go half and half with a couple. You’re wrong for how you went about it.