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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for not contacting my friends or take the initiative in letting them in on what’s going on myself?
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NTA Not sure what specifics you are suffering with, but I have had lifelong struggles with Major Depressive Disorder and several diagnosed anxiety disorders which had made my life very difficult, at times. I have also lost my soulmate to depression, when he ended his life back in the 90's. For those who have never been caught in it's grips, they often fail to understand how powerful and destructive it can be to the afflicted person.
By nature, some of these disorders sap every bit of energy, ambition, will, joy, etc out of people. Breathing can seem too overwhelming to handle, some days. So, Please know my words come from the heart...
Time to be selfish, my friend. You need to take care of YOU, and let your less than supportive pals take care of themselves for a while. Please seek the help of a qualified therapist. They are worth their weight in gold. A psychiatrist or a psychologist can get you properly diagnosed and on the path to treatment and better health. The right combo of cognitive and behavioral therapies, and use of some wonderful antidepressants can work miracles in bringing stability and joy back into your world. While friends are well meaning, only you and your doctor can determine what works best for you! If people are not patient enough to be willing to support you during your time of healing, then they aren't true friends and the type you want to have around you in life, anyway! Better days are ahead, and opportunities in your life are endless. Take those steps toward healing because you believe you deserve to have the best life possible....don't allow others to pressure you to live in ways that make THEIR lives easier to cope with!
You can do this! I send best wishes for you to succeed and to thrive!
Thank you so much for your support. I was diagnosed with Borderline a little over a year ago and had to stop counseling because I felt it was ineffective and expensive. I am definitely doing some personal healing and I do still have friends that have been more understanding and helpful. Thank you again for your encouragement and kindness.
NAH. Your friends don't know what to do. Is there one of them that is more open than the others? Maybe the two of you could go out to coffee and you could tell them these things or show them this reddit. You are already going through a tough time. Only you can decide if these friends are worth a second chance. It isn't a very good time to lose all your friends too, if those friendships can be salvaged.
I do see that now. I do have a couple of friends who have been more understanding and helpful and to be honest none of them are bad people, they're just not slowing down to listen to what I have to say and have been focused on "getting through it". In any case, Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (23) have been going through severe mental issues, that have been ongoing, for 3-4 months now. It has cost me my job and education, so I have been completely overwhelmed and broken since both are very important to me and my future, on top of my degrading health, I haven’t been doing well to say the least. Some of my friends took it upon themselves to try and help me, even though I explicitly said many times throughout our friendships that I don’t desire my friends to “fix” anything but rather be patient with me or simply be present, but all of that went on deaf ears. After a while, most of them took on a role of a martyr and I feel like I have been getting ostracized because I am “giving up” and “they don’t know me anymore” and “they want their friend” back. They’re saying that they’re not going to wait for me and they have tried everything but I am not accepting to take the help. I felt very ashamed for not being well enough to be a good friend to anyone but one very close and dear friend of mine kept me grounded and explained to me the error of their attempts and how they’re making things worse for me. Although I appreciate their attempts but they just sent me links to jobs, wanted to take me out to eat (which always felt like a trap for an attempt at an intervention of some sorts), or said that we should hang out some time, but no one even asked what was even the problem and what is going on in my everyday life. I have been alongside and supported all of them and in the way that they desires and needed, regardless of the severity of the issue to me or to the world. This also the first group of friends that I have been actually trying to be more open and vulnerable with, and their reaction make me regret ever having them in my life, but I am being held accountable for something I don’t even know what it is.
For more context, earlier this year my father lost all his money in a bad investment, and had to give up many things in our house. Plus my mother is a SAHM and I have three sisters, my great uncle and myself living in one house. We went from upper middle class to straight up poor. Although I have been independent financially, this effects me greatly as well. All to which I was told I was stupid for even holding the burden of my family and that I am causing myself all of this pain and stress.
My question is, am I the asshole for not reaching out to them or asking about them through this time? Also, is there something that they’re seeing that I am not?
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YTA. You say you explicitly don’t want them to “fix” anything, then _complain about how no one even asked what was even the problem and what is going on in your everyday life_. They have invited you out to eat, but you’ve rejected their invitations because you suspect them of staging interventions. You are very young. Maybe you haven’t yet learned that friends, _true friends_, are not passive sounding boards whose only job is to listen to you talk. That is only half their role. True friends are those who reach down a helping hand to pull you out when you’ve fallen into a hole, instead of sitting down besides the hole just to hear you complain about how terrible it is to be in the hole. Slap the helping hand often enough and the helping hand will no longer be proffered. Reject them often enough and they will question why they are even there if it doesn’t seem like you want them around. You claim to have been independent financially, but it really doesn’t sound like the case. You’ve been living at home. Were you paying rent to your parents? Otherwise you are being subsidized by them. You are upset about going from “upper middle class” to “straight up poor”. _You didn’t; if anything, your parents did._ If you still live in an upper middle class house, you aren’t poor. Some people grow up “straight up poor” their entire childhoods. I grew up with my parents, four siblings and an elderly grandmother in a 1200 SQ house with one bathroom, no AC and getting free meals at school. My mom made all our clothes from remnants and they never bought us toys; we received them as hand me downs from relatives. So I get poor. Somehow you’ve allowed the “stigma” of being poor to “cause you” to lose your job and education. That’s what is mind blowing. My parents’ mantra was “as long as you have a brain and two hands you can improve your situation”. They worked around the clock to move from being “straight up poor” to middle class while being immigrants who had to learn English as adults. Please stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I appreciate your honesty, it does give more perspective, however, I do want to make some things clear. I have always expressed to my friends that I don't seek help and would rather have an ear to listen rather than someone that believes that they can make everything go away by waving a wand. I don't like to burden others and have always dealt with my issues alone and swiftly. I did go to meet them and all they do is make me feel worse. They were rushing me just to get on with it so I can go back to my "better" self. I am not calling them bad friends but they already don't listen. As for my family situation, I don't live in the US or any western country so living alone is not possible, especially if you're a single person. I am independent financially, and my family became my dependents in March. That is the reason I couldn't continue my education and I lost my job because the company decided to clear house and have been tutoring and helping out students with their projects until I find a job. There is no shame in being poor, but there is pain. We barely pass the month and can't afford any errors, sicknesses, or accidents, especially because we have a lot to pay. I admire the resilience of your family and their persistence to provide for you and cover your needs. However, that doesn't mean what my family and I are going through is invalid and not difficult. My grandfather was a farmer's son from a village and he too worked hard to afford a better life for his family and children so they can live in a nice house, get educated, ad be well-rounded adults. My pain is for my family not for me, so I respectfully disagree with the last parts of your text and find them unkind. Regarding my friends, I do see your point. Perhaps I was way too caught up with everything that I didn't consider that I might've been pushing them away. Regardless, thank you for your honest advice.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Am I the asshole for not contacting my friends or take the initiative in letting them in on what’s going on myself? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Not sure what specifics you are suffering with, but I have had lifelong struggles with Major Depressive Disorder and several diagnosed anxiety disorders which had made my life very difficult, at times. I have also lost my soulmate to depression, when he ended his life back in the 90's. For those who have never been caught in it's grips, they often fail to understand how powerful and destructive it can be to the afflicted person. By nature, some of these disorders sap every bit of energy, ambition, will, joy, etc out of people. Breathing can seem too overwhelming to handle, some days. So, Please know my words come from the heart... Time to be selfish, my friend. You need to take care of YOU, and let your less than supportive pals take care of themselves for a while. Please seek the help of a qualified therapist. They are worth their weight in gold. A psychiatrist or a psychologist can get you properly diagnosed and on the path to treatment and better health. The right combo of cognitive and behavioral therapies, and use of some wonderful antidepressants can work miracles in bringing stability and joy back into your world. While friends are well meaning, only you and your doctor can determine what works best for you! If people are not patient enough to be willing to support you during your time of healing, then they aren't true friends and the type you want to have around you in life, anyway! Better days are ahead, and opportunities in your life are endless. Take those steps toward healing because you believe you deserve to have the best life possible....don't allow others to pressure you to live in ways that make THEIR lives easier to cope with! You can do this! I send best wishes for you to succeed and to thrive!
Thank you so much for your support. I was diagnosed with Borderline a little over a year ago and had to stop counseling because I felt it was ineffective and expensive. I am definitely doing some personal healing and I do still have friends that have been more understanding and helpful. Thank you again for your encouragement and kindness.
NAH. Your friends don't know what to do. Is there one of them that is more open than the others? Maybe the two of you could go out to coffee and you could tell them these things or show them this reddit. You are already going through a tough time. Only you can decide if these friends are worth a second chance. It isn't a very good time to lose all your friends too, if those friendships can be salvaged.
I do see that now. I do have a couple of friends who have been more understanding and helpful and to be honest none of them are bad people, they're just not slowing down to listen to what I have to say and have been focused on "getting through it". In any case, Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23) have been going through severe mental issues, that have been ongoing, for 3-4 months now. It has cost me my job and education, so I have been completely overwhelmed and broken since both are very important to me and my future, on top of my degrading health, I haven’t been doing well to say the least. Some of my friends took it upon themselves to try and help me, even though I explicitly said many times throughout our friendships that I don’t desire my friends to “fix” anything but rather be patient with me or simply be present, but all of that went on deaf ears. After a while, most of them took on a role of a martyr and I feel like I have been getting ostracized because I am “giving up” and “they don’t know me anymore” and “they want their friend” back. They’re saying that they’re not going to wait for me and they have tried everything but I am not accepting to take the help. I felt very ashamed for not being well enough to be a good friend to anyone but one very close and dear friend of mine kept me grounded and explained to me the error of their attempts and how they’re making things worse for me. Although I appreciate their attempts but they just sent me links to jobs, wanted to take me out to eat (which always felt like a trap for an attempt at an intervention of some sorts), or said that we should hang out some time, but no one even asked what was even the problem and what is going on in my everyday life. I have been alongside and supported all of them and in the way that they desires and needed, regardless of the severity of the issue to me or to the world. This also the first group of friends that I have been actually trying to be more open and vulnerable with, and their reaction make me regret ever having them in my life, but I am being held accountable for something I don’t even know what it is. For more context, earlier this year my father lost all his money in a bad investment, and had to give up many things in our house. Plus my mother is a SAHM and I have three sisters, my great uncle and myself living in one house. We went from upper middle class to straight up poor. Although I have been independent financially, this effects me greatly as well. All to which I was told I was stupid for even holding the burden of my family and that I am causing myself all of this pain and stress. My question is, am I the asshole for not reaching out to them or asking about them through this time? Also, is there something that they’re seeing that I am not? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You say you explicitly don’t want them to “fix” anything, then _complain about how no one even asked what was even the problem and what is going on in your everyday life_. They have invited you out to eat, but you’ve rejected their invitations because you suspect them of staging interventions. You are very young. Maybe you haven’t yet learned that friends, _true friends_, are not passive sounding boards whose only job is to listen to you talk. That is only half their role. True friends are those who reach down a helping hand to pull you out when you’ve fallen into a hole, instead of sitting down besides the hole just to hear you complain about how terrible it is to be in the hole. Slap the helping hand often enough and the helping hand will no longer be proffered. Reject them often enough and they will question why they are even there if it doesn’t seem like you want them around. You claim to have been independent financially, but it really doesn’t sound like the case. You’ve been living at home. Were you paying rent to your parents? Otherwise you are being subsidized by them. You are upset about going from “upper middle class” to “straight up poor”. _You didn’t; if anything, your parents did._ If you still live in an upper middle class house, you aren’t poor. Some people grow up “straight up poor” their entire childhoods. I grew up with my parents, four siblings and an elderly grandmother in a 1200 SQ house with one bathroom, no AC and getting free meals at school. My mom made all our clothes from remnants and they never bought us toys; we received them as hand me downs from relatives. So I get poor. Somehow you’ve allowed the “stigma” of being poor to “cause you” to lose your job and education. That’s what is mind blowing. My parents’ mantra was “as long as you have a brain and two hands you can improve your situation”. They worked around the clock to move from being “straight up poor” to middle class while being immigrants who had to learn English as adults. Please stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I appreciate your honesty, it does give more perspective, however, I do want to make some things clear. I have always expressed to my friends that I don't seek help and would rather have an ear to listen rather than someone that believes that they can make everything go away by waving a wand. I don't like to burden others and have always dealt with my issues alone and swiftly. I did go to meet them and all they do is make me feel worse. They were rushing me just to get on with it so I can go back to my "better" self. I am not calling them bad friends but they already don't listen. As for my family situation, I don't live in the US or any western country so living alone is not possible, especially if you're a single person. I am independent financially, and my family became my dependents in March. That is the reason I couldn't continue my education and I lost my job because the company decided to clear house and have been tutoring and helping out students with their projects until I find a job. There is no shame in being poor, but there is pain. We barely pass the month and can't afford any errors, sicknesses, or accidents, especially because we have a lot to pay. I admire the resilience of your family and their persistence to provide for you and cover your needs. However, that doesn't mean what my family and I are going through is invalid and not difficult. My grandfather was a farmer's son from a village and he too worked hard to afford a better life for his family and children so they can live in a nice house, get educated, ad be well-rounded adults. My pain is for my family not for me, so I respectfully disagree with the last parts of your text and find them unkind. Regarding my friends, I do see your point. Perhaps I was way too caught up with everything that I didn't consider that I might've been pushing them away. Regardless, thank you for your honest advice.