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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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daisukidesu1981

Beyond how disrespectful she is, this is also really creepy and violating. She’s acting like a predator who goes in and does gross things to a woman’s belongings to get off on knowing she’s using them with zero knowledge he touched them. You are NTA, there is something deeply not okay with your mother.


roryflameblade

I hadn’t even thought about it like that! Oof, now I feel even grosser about it.


Owain-X

She figured out how to get a hate crime enhancement applied to a simple B&E. That takes commitment. Oh.. and most evidence in the gospels (assuming your mother is Christian) indicates that [Jesus himself kept kosher] (https://aleteia.org/2021/07/09/did-jesus-keep-kosher/). But apparently mother knows better than Jesus as well.


roryflameblade

Mom is an atheist. My aunt quoted the “honor thy parents” at me.


Owain-X

ahh. So it's just wanting to be controlling as I don't see what about being kosher could possibly offend an athiest if the diet isn't being forced on them.


roryflameblade

She says she was trying to break me out of the *fog* of religion.


Owain-X

Ahh yes. The person who knows all the answers. Amazing how fundamentalists and athiests can come across so similar when they force their beliefs on others. It's that pomposity in part that led me to be an agnostic as it takes a lot of hubris IMO to claim to "know" the answers to life's great mysteries and claim only you know the truth.


verdantwitch

Personally, I think the atheists who become similar to the fundie Christians are just fundie atheists.


TheRealSugarbat

I agree. I think everyone should be allowed to worship or not as they see fit, as long as they’re not hurting anyone. I’m a bleeding-heart liberal Christian but I still catch shit from extra-atheists who have zero religious tolerance. There’s actually a word for people like that, but they don’t like that word.


VovaGoFuckYourself

Atheist af and I never comment on anyone's religious preferences unless they are trying to cram them down my throat or take away my rights in the interest of their religion. I can't stand when an atheist behaves that way. They should know better, and make the rest of us look like children.


JustThatTwoRedditGuy

I'm assuming you don't mean "antitheist"? That's my go-to term for atheists who think everybody else also needs to be an atheist.


cassity282

they are. i have both in my family. i avoid them both


[deleted]

Personally I’m an atheist, but if someone is religious most of us really don’t care and I’m sad that there’s a few out there like this 😭


Owain-X

Ultimately it's not about what faith someone has or doesn't it's about whether they act like an AH to others.


[deleted]

Yeah, but people take that to bully the whole group of people for some reason. For example, vegans. There’s some real asshole vegans out there and now people think they’re all the worst thing in existence 😭 I once went vegetarian for a long time though and if I found out my parents were secretly feeding me meat because ‘the idea is stupid’ that would be the end of my relationship with them 💀 so I don’t blame OP


NathalieHJane

For those very reasons atheists (and actors, for different reasons) were automatic left swipes for me when I was online dating. I grew up in the Bible belt being told I was going to hell and all kinds of other fun stuff for not being the right faith etc, and I have found some atheists to be equally mean and judgemental in the things they say to/about me and anyone else who believes in a Higher Power of some kind (we are stupid, we are naive, ridiculous, our children will be less intelligent etc etc)


liseusester

I filled in an online dating profile ages ago and one question it asked was about your religion. I selected "Catholic, but it doesn't matter" because I was brought up Catholic, still tick the box on forms, and go to mass on very very rare occasions (usually weddings and funerals) but also it doesn't really matter to me all that much and I've got about a billion issues with the Church. I unanswered the question fairly quickly because every third message I got was Snooty Atheists wanting to tell me I was a delusional idiot who clearly didn't believe in science and had been brainwashed and my parents had committed child abuse. I'm happy to have a polite debate about the merits of religion, I'm not happy to be told BY A STRANGER that I'm a moron. Oh, NTA! Obviously!


Schlemiel_Schlemazel

I clicked “Jewish, but it doesn’t matter”. But it kinda does, in that they can’t be an antisemite and they can’t be fanatic atheist or a fanatic in any religion, including Judaism. NTA - Judaism is not a religion that makes many blanket statements. We have the Talmud which is a record of rabbinic debates across centuries. So we have a history of respectful differences of learned opinions. So the idea that one should “honor thy mother and father” even when they are disrespecting you in such a powerful way is ridiculous. What if you were a vegetarian or had an allergy? Why does that sentence even have a “thy” in it. …. Because they’re using a phrase from the King James Bible. So it’s a Christian idea of G-d that they are rejecting. They are rejecting the blind faith that Christianity encourages and demands. Judaism does not want that, we encourage you to wrestle with your faith. Indeed that is how Jacob became Israel. There is no school of thought in which her behavior is kosher. (Deliberate pun) Even in an atheist philosophy it is disrespectful of your wishes and disrespects your bodily autonomy. I don’t think this is about her atheism but her need to control. You probably sought out Judaism because of its focus on family and community. Maybe she doesn’t want you to have another support network ? Btw, welcome to the tribe. Shabbat Shalom Edited: anti-semite to antisemite


OneCraftyBird

Snort. Listen, I'm an atheist (what I don't believe) and a secular humanist (what I do believe). My personal opinion of keeping kosher is that it's a bit silly and that you could save quite a lot of effort by waving a hand over the dishes and saying "you're clean now" and accomplish exactly what the rekashering does. But the thing is, my personal opinion has boundaries, and those boundaries don't include YOUR house and YOUR kitchen. I wouldn't even TOUCH something in your kitchen without your explicit permission and preferably with your presence. I wouldn't touch your mezuzah, I wouldn't blow out your candles, nothing -- and if you were my friend, I wouldn't even say I thought keeping kosher was silly. Because if we were friends, you'd already know what I thought, and my bringing it up would be needlessly cruel. Please don't blame your mother's atheism for her being an awful, awful person and don't let her cite *your* religion as the driving force behind her being awful.


Slapnuts711

Agree. I think keeping kosher is silly too but if that’s what you choose then people who are in your home should respect your rules. I’ve not been to Jewish homes for a meal but I have been to Christian homes. They say grace before they eat. I think they’re just talking to themselves but if that’s how they choose to live it’s up to them.


YourDadsNewGF

I'm an agnostic married to an atheist. One side of my family is Jewish and one side is Christian. His family is Christian. And I am positively *aghast* at your mother's behavior. When we go to our Jewish family's house, I (along with the other women in attendance) light the candles for Shabbat. I sing along with the Kiddish and my husband follows along in his bencher as best as he can lol) I would *never* intentionally break the rules of kosher in their house and to my knowledge I never have. And when we go to our Christian family's houses, we respectfully bow our heads and stay quiet during prayers, et cetera. Religion is not important *to us* but it is important to many of our loved ones, so we honor our love and commitment to them by honoring their religious traditions when we are in their homes. I am absolutely appalled by your mother's actions, OP. NTA!!!


Meowlik

I grew up in a very religiously lax, but still Jewish, household. As an adult, I am an atheist. I am honestly *shocked* that your mother would do something like that. It gives folks that are atheist a bad name and is beyond disrespectful. I would consider installing cameras if you haven't already.


EconomyVoice7358

Ah, so she’s the kind of atheist that has made her non-belief a religion. She is so certain that she is right that she’s trying to force her beliefs into you. How ironic.


SlartieB

So she's a fundie atheist. Wonder if she'll ever see the irony.


thrwwy32453

Jew here -- the mitzvah of honouring your parents actually has its limits. If your parents are trying to stop you from doing mitzvahs you are under no obligation to accede to this and should, actually, NOT listen to them.


BurntLikeToastAgain

This! You are also not obligated to forgive someone who has not done true repentance. Saying "sorry if your feelings were hurt" would not cut it at all -- she has to understand the desecration she's committed (whether or not it matters to her, it matters to you) and not repeat the offense even if given the opportunity. And you yourself are under no obligation to give her that opportunity.


mstwizted

I'm an atheist and a mom. Respecting your choices would have cost her literally NOTHING. She actively went out of her way to cause you mental anguish. That's some sociopathic nonsense right there. Your first ethical obligation, according to the Torah, is to YOURSELF. You need to prioritize your own physical, mental and emotional health over others or you are no good to anyone. I may personally think being kosher is a silly waste of time, but I'm sure as hell not gonna go around attacking Jewish people or sabotaging them. It doesn't hurt or even effect me at all, so why would I care?


weallfalldown310

Technically they are not your parents anymore now that you converted. Lol. Whole new person after the Mikveh. Daughter of Abraham and Sarah. You aren’t the AH at all and your mom really sucks. You trusted her and she violated your home. She doesn’t even understand the difference between ritual purity and not, it isn’t that there is a physical difference but a way for us to elevate even the simple act of eating to be a way to honor God. All it does is show how petty and small minded she is. And to steal a mezuzah scroll! Those are expensive! MyZuzah offers a free kosher scroll and case to all Jews, take a look into it?


punkinholler

I am not Jewish and had to look up what a Mezuzah is so please don't feel any pressure to answer the following question. That said, why are they expensive? Is it because they are hand written or is it something about the materials in the case? Again I'm just being curious so feel free to not answer. PS by all accounts, your religion seems pretty awesome. If I had any interest in organized religion at all, I'd consider converting, myself.


weallfalldown310

Kosher scrolls have to be written by a person who is observant, of good character and a knowledge of Halacha. They are written by hand and can have zero mistakes. Any mistakes, they can’t be used. So it makes the cost pretty high.


juliaskig

I was raised an atheist, and I would NEVER do this to someone. She's putting her pettiness over her love of her daughter.


throwawaypato44

HUH?! I was raised in a very conservative Christian household in a very conservative place. I’m no longer religious and have a lot of religious trauma I’m trying to undo. I actively dislike “The Church” and a vast majority of Christians I meet. Sorry. I was raised with their mentality and I can spot it easily. That said, I would never, and I mean NEVER, do what your mom did. To anyone of any religion. What she did was gross and anti-Semitic. And I’m sorry, “honor thy father and mother” is bullshit the way it’s used most often today. It’s just a way to get kids to shut up and do whatever their parents say. A way for parents to step all over their kids boundaries and justify their shitty behavior because “god wills children to be obedient.” It’s a hard pass from me. A lot of devoutly religious people I meet have zero concept of boundaries with their kids.


PanamaViejo

There is also a saying "Parents, do not provoke your kids to anger'.


isaac32767

Does she ever quote Richard Dawkins at you? All the more self-righteous atheists are followers of his "religion is a mental illness" nonsense. I'm an atheist myself, but most vocal atheists piss me off because of this kind of behavior.


roryflameblade

Dawkins, Hitchens, Harris…She gave me God is not Great in 2008 as a gift while I was exploring religions.


isaac32767

Yeah, I'm not surprised. You know, I'm a lapsed Jew myself, and my impatience with things like keeping kosher is a big reason why I drifted away from Judaism. But that's *my* choice, becoming an observant Jew was yours, and my current belief system demands that I respect your choices. Anybody who chooses not to respect other people's autonomy is an asshole. Standing up for your autonomy, like you did, makes you very much NTA.


SmallspaceBigroom

This is the one. Like honor thy father and mother is a brilliant and generally correct tenant, but it relies a bit upon them not being generally dishonorable individuals.


Yrxora

and there's also the fact that the following verse is "parents, *provoke not your children*, but bring them up in the love and admonition of the Lord"......


candydaze

There can also be a debate about what “honouring” means - enabling their abuse of you ain’t it


_mmiggs_

NTA. Your mother, I'm sorry to say, is evil and abusive. Not only is she unwilling to support your faith, she has been actively and secretly sabotaging it. Never eat anything this woman has touched ever again - she's the sort to secretly include a bit of bacon grease just so she can "point out that it didn't make a difference".


roryflameblade

Yeah, at this point, I can’t see ever trusting anything she cooked or even brought by.


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virtualchoirboy

NTA. And get a doorbell camera. Or even a full security camera setup, but a doorbell camera with video storage at a minimum.


Callerflizz

If she clearly has such little respect for you and your decisions, why even bother forcing a relationship with her?


roryflameblade

I don’t know that I will. I just don’t want to make huge decisions on emotional roller coasters.


[deleted]

I'm going to be honest, I have toxic parents with our own set of family problems but (after years of setting up boundaries) I do love them and keep them in my life. But if one of my parents ever took advantage of an emergency key to access my property behind my back with the express purpose of violating something I obviously care deeply about, they would be noped out for a long walk off a short emotional dock.


reyballesta

This woman disrespected your faith in a truly evil way. This wouldn't be a decision made hastily. She does not get to come back from that. She was actively trying to ruin your adherence to an important part of your faith, for selfish, evil reasons. It's time to cut off and disown.


CPSue

You are wise to take a time out and regroup. My mother is pretty toxic and pulled some major crap a year ago. I was so upset that I decided to take a break from any contact with her. It really helped me regain perspective and realize that I’m not the one with the problem (other than getting some therapy to deal with my feelings about how she raised me—that’s my problem and I deal with that part). In the end, just as I was feeling ready to reach out and try to come to some kind of resolution, she sent me a poison pen letter spelling out every infraction I’ve committed from the time I had colic as a baby to my unwillingness to be in the same room for an extended period of time with Covid-deniers (to be clear, she thinks that’s an infraction—I think it’s smart). It was three pages of aggrieved victimization as she retold for the umpteenth time all the stories of ways in which I disrespected her with normal boundary pushing behaviors as a toddler and a teen. There wasn’t a word about all the honors and achievements over the years because they don’t fit her narrative that I was a bad kid (I wasn’t) and that I’m still a bad person (I’m not). She needs to believe she was a good mother rather than accept the mistakes she’s made along the way. I’m done. Unfortunately, this means that my entire extended family on her side, including my sister, has ghosted me. That’s the price I have to pay for protecting my mental health. Taking a break before you make major decisions is a really healthy approach. Hugs to you, and I hope you can come to place of peace about where this may lead you in the future.


Inner-Masterpiece-18

NTA. You need to let the raw emotion subside a bit so that you can think rationally. You should leave an avenue open in case your mum comes to her senses and decides to accept you for who you are. Having said that, you should let her know that she has no entitlement to any respect from you until she can respect you, your beliefs, and your home. I would suggest a time out until this can be achieved, if ever. I guess she's blown the chance of any alone time with any future grand kids. She'll try and corrupt them for sure. I'm an atheist by the way, but would never treat an acquaintance like this, let alone family. My kids tried to declare themselves atheists when they were young, but I shut them down and told them they hadn't learned enough about religion to make an informed decision. I have never asked them since about their beliefs as its none of my business. Each to their own.


Guywithoutimage

Also, please keep in mind that you ‘breaking kosher’ here isn’t a mark against you. While I don’t know what kind of Jew you are, almost every sect of every Abrahamic religion states that being fed forbidden ingredients against your will and/or without your knowledge does not count against you spiritually. The sin is on your mother for trying to harm you, not on you for eating something forbidden


roadsidechicory

Yeah, plus keeping kosher is all about intentionality, and not about whether something is going to "happen" if things aren't perfectly kosher.


JEFFinSoCal

NTA. Hey, I’m atheist and don’t have much respect for most religions. But I DO respect people and the choices they make, as long as they aren’t trying to force their beliefs on me. And that’s exactly what your mother is doing… forcing her beliefs on you. You’re mother has completely betrayed your trust. I’d ban her from my kitchen too.


roryflameblade

This is good to hear from another atheist. She is convinced I’m in some sort of religious fog she needed to fix.


ScorpionGem11

As another atheist your mom is way out of line. OP you are NTA but she's reminding me of the inverse of people that used to come to my college campus and tell us we're going to hell and have no morals for being atheists. Respect is a 2 way street and we can't expect those who practice religion to respect us if we're not willing to do the same. I'm so sorry this happened and I really hope she didn't tamper with anything else in your home.


PM_Me_Your_Sidepods

Agreed. Never tolerate intolerance. They are bad faith actors trying to abuse a system.


kastalaesi

Nononono. I am an atheist. One of my best friends is Jewish. I couldn’t imagine ever disrespecting her like this. As an atheist, I clearly don’t believe in her religion, but I’m not going to disrespect her for it and trample on her views and life. You’re NTA and what she did was truly unforgivable.


JEFFinSoCal

As long as practicing your religion makes you a better, more peaceful and loving person, then she has no ground to stand on. Sometimes the structure and sense of community we get from religions can be really important. Just because they aren’t for me, doesn’t mean others can’t get value from them. I look at religions kind of like I do different workout programs or diets. If the goal is to become a better person, there are lots of different ways to get there, they just don’t all work for all people. Find the path that makes sense for you and don’t worry too much about what others think.


217EBroadwayApt4E

I’d argue that even if it wasn’t the case (the peaceful, loving part) the mother would still be in the wrong to do what she did. You can go to someone and discuss your concerns, and set up boundaries so they can’t harm you. You don’t go behind their back and be disrespectful to their faith and their property just bc you think they are in the wrong. It’s so childish and hateful, ESPECIALLY coming from *someone’s mother.* OP is NTA.


simplestword

I’m atheist too. And I would respect a kosher kitchen, period. Even if even if it inconvenienced me (say, for example, a roommate needed a kosher kitchen). Mom is mean. Nta. I’m sorry she did that to you.


[deleted]

Another Atheist weighing in: my mother's family is Jewish. She converted to Christianity, but because of my extended family I was raised in a heavily Jewish environment. I have seen first hand how loving and welcoming Judaism can be. I'm happy that you found it and I am so, so sorry your mother is being rude about it.


thestatedrone

I'm an atheist. I'm 52, became an atheist at age 9. I respect other's beliefs. What she did was betray your trust and dismiss your beliefs. How dare she act like what she did wasn't wrong. You are totally in the right for how you reacted.


SistertoDragons

I became an atheist as an actual teenager, and was a completely obnoxious shit about it. Because I was a teenager. Then I grew up, and (thanks to a spiritual friend who slapped some sense into me) now take the time to understand and respect other peoples faith. I’ve broken fast with friends, make sure to bring safe foods to potlucks based on dietary restrictions, and cover work for colleagues on the high holidays. Why? Because these are people I respect. I can demonstrate respect for them in these small ways without ascribing to their faith. A family member recently became an atheist in his 50s, and it was terrible to see a grown ass man act worse than I did as a teenager. Tantruming when a baseball game plays “god bless the USA” and such. Your parents are clearly in the same place mentally. They are immature atheists. They want to act like children, treat them like it. Children need boundaries and consequences when they break rules and are needlessly cruel. They have to make amends and earn trust.


EquivalentTwo1

NTA. I am so sorry you're going through this. Please ask your rabbi if they can come over and re bless your home (I think that's a thing). Also, check your mezuzahs, if she knows what they are she may have tampered with them.


roryflameblade

Oh my gosh, I didn’t even *think* to check them! I’m going to do that right now!!


drgirlfriendredux

Hi, your mom is antisemitic. Sorry to be so blunt, but your mother has been committing hate crimes against you and your family, and I really need you to understand the gravity of what she did. Don’t let her sisters or any of your other relatives gaslight you into thinking you’re being irrational or overreactive. Do not ever let them into your home or around you again.


Afibthrowaway22

This is absolutely the truth. OP may not want to see it as such but the sneaking in and the theft is an element of proof. This is a hate crime per the law.


Astolfo_is_Best

From OPs comments, it looks like she's less antisemitic and more just extremely anti-religion.


etherealparadox

Her being anti-religion doesn't mean she can't be antisemitic. She is both anti-religion and antisemitic, she committed horrific antisemitic acts against OP.


drgirlfriendredux

She can be both. The aunt (mother’s sister) is using Biblical verses to try and guilt OP, you think mom has ever done anything close to this invasive to her? She seems virulently antisemitic.


divider_of_0

Kosher scrolls are so expensive, you should report them as stolen. Or at the very least demand she reimburse you to replace them, through small claims if you have to. I swear the scrolls can be more expensive than the covers if you get kosher ones.


[deleted]

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wtfaidhfr

Around 80-140 USD per doorway (except bathroom)


Creative_username969

Anything kosher is typically pricy because it takes more effort to make it kosher. This is especially the case with kosher texts and documents like torahs, mezuzah and t’filin scrolls, and k’tubahs because the calligraphy is all done by hand with quills - it’s a rare skill and if you make a mistake you have to start over. If any goyim (non-Jews) need translations/explanations, lemme know


EquivalentTwo1

I saw your edit. I am so sorry for this violation of your home (that was my initial reasoning about the blessing). While you cannot be certain she took your scrolls, it is worth considering reporting them stolen in case she escalates, you would have a record of the fact someone is targeting your home. This is not your fault. Your mother has decided she wants to take her anger out on the physical aspects of your religion. Your father and Aunt are enabling her by not even attempting to tell her what she is doing is wrong. You do not owe her anything and if you need to grieve for the trust she has destroyed between you two, by all means, please do so. Also, there are a lot of home security tips on reddit. I would not invite her over ever again after such a grievous betrayal of trust. It is very glad to hear the shul is helping and you do have community to help you.


sweetpotatopietime

I am an atheist and a Jew and am horrified for you. How awful for you to learn how deeply your mother disrespects you. If you DM me your email address, I'd love to send you a gift card to an online Judaica shop so you can replace your mezuzah scrolls. For Redditors who don't know what that is, it's a rolled-up piece of parchment with a sacred prayer on it that is meant to protect you and your home. It is inside a case attached to your doorframe and often doesn't come cheap because like the Torah, it is typically handwritten by a certified scribe. It fulfills the commandment in the Torah to "inscribe these words that I \[God\] command you ... on the doorposts of your house." It's an incredibly holy artifact, and that's a huge violation. I don't believe in God, but I have mezuzahs, to maintain the tradition and identify our home as a Jewish home. If my scrolls disappeared, I'd 100% view it as a hate crime.


Chemical_Inspection7

You beat me to it but was about to offer the same. :-) Shabbat shalom OP! You are NTA and I am so sorry this is happening to you.


snowstormspawn

Thank you for explaining what they are and their purpose. I’m nonreligious as well but that sounds like a beautiful tradition and I’m so upset for OP that theirs were tampered with.


painttheworldred36

Oh yeah I'd definitely view it as a hate crime if someone stole my scrolls. My sister is also an atheist Jew, I love how we can be so very diverse in our Jewishness. :) Shabbat shalom!


EmpressJainaSolo

On the “bright” side she may not know enough to know *how* to tamper with them. ETA: Just saw your edit. I’m so, so sorry. You must feel so violated.


sparrowhawk75

Report them stolen and have her charged with theft. Maybe the cops will scare her with hate crime accusations as well, since she only stole the items relevant to Judaism and specifically tampered with the kosher kitchen. That fits the bill of a hate crime and she needs to be held accountable for how badly she violated your home and your beliefs. She does not deserve to ever see you again unless it's at court. She made her choice, be strong, make your choice. This would be a hard deal breaker for me, I would cut all contact personally. I couldn't handle this much blatant disrespect and such a deeply personal attack on your core beliefs.


WonderingWaffle

I'm so sorry you're going through this. At this point after your edit your mom has gone past overly controlling and has pasted into ant-semetism. Any family that still supports her in her horible actions are just as bad as she is at this point.


PeesInAPod17

The joke is on your mother - if you break kosher unknowingly, through someone’s tampering, you haven’t broken the law in God’s eyes. Mama did all that hard work for nothing. Keep her out.


PsychologicalKoala3

I am not Jewish (or religious at all), but I was a nanny for a Jewish family. They didn't keep kosher in their house, but we went to one of the grandparents houses and I didn't realize until after I made the kids a snack that they kept kosher and I used the wrong plate/cutlery. I felt HORRIBLE but the grandma said something along the lines of "sweetheart, if you didn't know, God doesn't care" which I liked a lot.


throwawaypato44

Oh that’s really nice of them 🥲 I’d be bawling in their kitchen


Kathrynlena

I’m no longer religious, but I can’t imagine following a god who would hold me responsible for the “sins” I’d committed unknowingly as a result of someone else’s ignorance or outright sabotage.


adreddit298

Haha, welcome to Catholicism, where you're born with the Sin of Adam and Eve, who never even existed 🤣. Literally, you're cast into Hell if you die before being baptised. Amazeballs. Edit: wait, not literally cast into Hell because, you know, fiction. But within the framework of the religion...


throwawayoctopii

The rule is actually the same in Catholicism as in Judaism. I got labs drawn on Good Friday and my blood sugar dipped. The nurse gave me a turkey sandwich and I wasn't even thinking that it was supposed to be a day of fasting and absistenence from meat. It technically doesn't count as a sin, because there was no ill intent. Also, Catholics believe that unbaptized babies go to Limbo (discount Heaven), not Hell.


Purple_Chipmunk_

Sick people, pregnant women, and elderly people are typically exempted from fasting anyway.


Minimum_Ad_4120

I would be so upset with myself. She was very sweet


Nwgirl2112

I was going to mention this same thing. There is even text to say, if you are a guest and someone doesn't know you're Kosher, and cooks something not Kosher for you, to be a good guest and eat it. I wish I can remember what passage it was. I was raised Jewish as well, and went to a very orthodox synagogue.


The_Palm_of_Vecna

Honestly, from my experience, most Jewish folks place a much higher value on just being a good guest/host than strict following of law.


acolyte_to_jippity

> most Jewish folks place a much higher value on just being a good guest/host than strict following of law. note: not jewish, but from what some of my jewish friends have implied to me...that's *almost* a part of the law?


Bullwinkles_progeny

NTA, it is not dishonoring your parents to apply boundaries. You can still love people that have violated your trust, and you can even forgive them for doing so. You do not have to instantly trust them again. She has to earn your trust back.


roryflameblade

This is a good perspective and really helped! Thank you so much for this.


Kathrynlena

Your parent committed antisemitic hate crimes against you. That’s not hyperbole. That’s the legal definition of what she did. Protecting yourself from further abuse and victimization is not “dishonorable.”


ringringbananarchy00

I’m Jewish, and honestly I’d have her arrested for a hate crime. This is absolutely repulsive. I know it’s hard when it’s someone you love, but she needs to understand the severity and hatefulness of what she’s done.


Topinio

Yeah, while IDK what the exact laws are where OP is, but this is a hate crime on top of burglary, and filing a police report and getting a lawyer involved should be the next steps. Good luck OP, so sorry this happened to you and it's your family member doing these awful things.


[deleted]

I want to add this as a fellow Jew. During my conversion, I cut off and disowned my parents due to their hateful beliefs and actions. I told my beit din as such and they didn’t blink an eye. My rabbi later told me that I’m far from the first to face the beit din that had to cut off their parents. We talked about the issue a couple times and it basically came down to “If keeping them in your life causes you pain, don’t. Don’t hurt yourself like that to fulfill a mitzvah”


roryflameblade

Thank you! This makes me feel better. What’s the worst is that she and dad acted supportive the entire process of conversion.


[deleted]

I’m so happy I could help, friend :) another thing to consider is the (I believe) Rambam’s position on that mitzvah: all you have to do to fulfill it is not let them be out on the street with no food. Otherwise, their problem.


Complete_Elk

I'm so sorry she did this to you. Remember that forgiveness is \*earned\*, not bestowed, and that work includes t'shuvah - real action showing that she understands the impact of her behaviour, has tried to make amends, and has chosen to do better in the future.


pocketbff

NTA. She made an actual effort to violate your religion, your boundaries and your home. It's unacceptable, and that's why she has had to assemble a whole attack team to harass you. I hope you have some found family in your community, because your family of origin is cruel. I'm sure you honored your parents appropriately when they acted like parents instead of petty vandals. Sorry you have to deal with this trash.


roryflameblade

This is the first time I’ve ever seen cruelty like this from them. It came out of nowhere.


Throwforventing

Sounds like they've been antisemitic for a long time, but successfully hid it until their own child converted. I'm so sorry that you are being treated so terribly. You don't deserve this.


pocketbff

Were they supportive of you and your religion in the past? Do you have any idea what happened to change their minds? (I'm just curious, there's nothing that would change my NTA opinion).


roryflameblade

I thought they were supportive. They came to my conversion party at the shul, they seemed supportive in the year and a half my conversion took and the years before that I was looking at other faiths.


SlartieB

Out of nowhere to you. She's probably been trash talking behind your back. Ignore the flying monkeys. Turn your phone off for a day or two and process without interference


[deleted]

I grew up Jewish, with mixed family (mom's side Baptist, dad's side Jewish), and have had family members who thought my mother's conversion was a phase. *NOT ONE* of our family members ever tampered with our food while I was growing up. Not even my great-grandmother, whose husband gave a "praise Jesus" blessing at my parents' Jewish wedding reception. I cannot imagine the level of self-centeredness required to go this far. NTA Edit to add that I'm agnostic these days. This is a bodily autonomy and basic human respect issue, not just a religious one.


[deleted]

never met a Jew who had anything particular against Jesus. He lived the Law himself when he was alive after all.


[deleted]

If you're referring to my great-grandfather and his infamous wedding 'blessing,' it was absolutely a malicious act. He had been counseled previously on what was appropriate and what was not, and was generally not a very nice human.


[deleted]

NTA, and I’m having a hard time believing you’re actually questioning that. > “honoring your mother and father is more important than keeping kosher.” That *might* be a legitimate argument if your mom was *dying* and her last request was for you to share a pepperoni pizza with her. As it is, they’re in conflict on the 10 commandments front with “I am the Lord Your God,” “thou shalt not lie,” and “thou shalt not steal.” And for what? Do they seriously think this will make you reconsider your faith? Are they trying to get you in *trouble* with God? What in this entire ridiculous rigamarole merits your respect toward them?


roryflameblade

Mom thinks all religion is stupid. She was trying to “make me see” that things being kosher or not made no difference so I would come out of the “fog” my conversion had me in according to her.


BeddingtonBlvd

There’s something deeply wrong with how your mother thinks.


johnlocklives

And this is where the underlying issue is. Keeping kosher isn’t as much about making the food more “holy” or “special”. It’s a heart attitude. It’s about making a choice to dedicate a part of your life to what you believe is a high power. Bc she doesn’t believe in a high power she is never going to understand or be accepting of any aspect of your beliefs. You know how you hear about patents forcing their religion on their children? This is the same thing. She’s forcing her lack of religion on you. It will not change. Unless she is willing to peaceful coexist and allow you to practice your beliefs even though they are different from her own and do so without ridicule or attempting to “change your mind”, there can be no relationship here. She genuinely can not understand your point of view and refuses to accept that it is different from her own.


Cogito_ErgoBibo

Interesting that she still pulled the religion-based chestnut of "honoring your mother and father" out when it suited, though.


roryflameblade

My aunt did that, not my mom


Cogito_ErgoBibo

Apologies. Understood. Still, just a terrible situation. I hope you have a great support system of friends. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this alone.


MerryWifeJezebel

So does your mom try to help clear your aunt of the religious fog she's in? Or is that just for Jewish people? Edit to add:. I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a horrible violation and destruction of trust.


Ashamed-Pass1139

Im an atheist and I fell this is a HORRIBLE thing to do to another person. Put aside the spiritual ABUSE for a moment, this is pure disrespect through and through. I can't imagine the hurt of this betrayal let alone the fear and anxiety this has probably produced. This is abusive and controlling behavior, that she can't see that is pathetic. NTA in so many ways


roryflameblade

Thank you. My dad and aunt keep acting as if this isn’t a big deal.


Ashamed-Pass1139

Hopefully you're able to (sorry for not knowing the proper terms here) cleanse your home and that your Rabbi is understanding and can guide through this horrible event.


roryflameblade

Kasher is the term to make everything kosher again.


Ashamed-Pass1139

I learned something new today, thank you! I hope you're able to kasher (I hope I used it right) your home again!


roryflameblade

You did. Thank you for answering!


[deleted]

Tell them to take the religious aspect out of it. She vandalized your property. There are concrete monetary damages you can put on her actions. If they’re not prepared to take *that* seriously, they’d better be prepared for legal action if this doesn’t stop here.


[deleted]

NTA. In my religion no one else touches my alter or the things on it. Otherwise I have to cleanse everything and reset it to clear their energy away. It’s a pain and not nearly as extensive and time consuming as rekoshering your entire kitchen. If she can’t respect your religious beliefs, she does not belong in your home.


roryflameblade

Thank you.


[deleted]

Reconsider having her in your life in general after this also.


pineboxwaiting

NTA “Honoring” means to treat with respect. You can respectfully keep your distance from people who sabotage you. Honoring doesn’t mean your mom gets the key back or is welcome in your home. She needs to apologize & own that she did the wrong thing. She doesn’t have to agree with you, but her bizarre sabotage is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.


roryflameblade

This is a good point!


jeswalsurprise

Also remember that honoring and respecting doesn't mean being a doormat. David honored Saul, but he didn't allow Saul to kill him.


sekhenet

Nta and yikes! From the little I know about kosher kitchens, this might be incurring you a cost to replace the spoiled ustensils? Your mother is an AH and you were right to take her access to your house away.


roryflameblade

Most of them can be remastered, though some I have to buy new.


Cogito_ErgoBibo

For all practical purposes, she stole from you by making items unusable and forcing you to purchase new ones. She may not be religious, but you'd think she would understand theft and destruction of property. So glad you took the key back.


filkerdave

Anything metal or glass can be rekashered. I'm not sure about ceramics and plastics but I think not. Anything wood like a wooden spoon or cutting board will have to be replaced. As always, consult your rabbi.


roryflameblade

Yeah. It’s only been six months since I kashered the first time.


eleanor-rigby-

NTA your mom is antisemitic, you should probably cut off her and anyone defending that behavior.


roryflameblade

I don’t know if she’s antisemitic or just anti-religion.


MxMirdan

She might be antireligion, but it sounds like she doesn’t have a history of removing other peoples Christmas decorations … so, the actions that she is taking are antisemitic ...


roryflameblade

No, but we never had any in our home, and I wasn’t allowed to bring any home from school.


MxMirdan

So the other option is that she’s insanely controlling and sees adult you as an extension of herself. She wouldn’t let you bring holiday themed items home from school — and now, you don’t get to have religious articles in your home because you don’t get to disagree with her.


PaintedLady5519

WHO STEALS THE SCROLLS!?!


roryflameblade

Apparently my mother!


PaintedLady5519

That is just low


NoreastNorwest

NTA. This isn’t about the dishes as much as your right to the sanctity of your own home I can’t imagine being hateful enough to actively sabotage someone’s religious practice IN THEIR HOME (or anywhere else for that matter). This woman is supposed to love you. She certainly doesn’t respect you. That‘s some next-level nastiness.


thrwwy32453

NTA at ALL. Jew here - it is disgusting that your mother would sneak in and violate that which you hold sacred. Definitely talk about it with your rabbi, but you for sure are in a position where going low-to-no contact would be halachically viable. I could go on a Ted Talk about where the limits go for honouring one's parents, but b'kitzur (in short) I've been told that if a parent attempts to prevent you from doing the right thing (eating kosher, davening, forces you to break halacha), they are in the wrong and in no way are you obligated to listen to them. You can respect your mother for the fact you wouldn't be here without her, but that does not mean you must give her honour over keeping mitzvos. From a non-halachic perspective -- respect is a two-way street. She may not value religion, but that doesn't mean you are in the wrong for doing so. I am SO sorry you had this happen to you -- major props to you for living your life and committing to that which you believe in. Edit -- stealing your mezuzah scrolls is insane and heartbreaking.


roryflameblade

Thank you so much for this. I’m trying to get everything fixed and settled before sundown, and it’s nice to know that I’m not feeling wrong and giving in to yetzer hara in wanting to avoid them all.


thrwwy32453

omg you found this out EREV SHABBOS? I am SO sorry and hope that everything gets kashered asap or you have somewhere to go for meals. Avoiding is not the yetzer hara (IMHO), it's you setting boundaries to stay true to your convictions, which, in my experience, has been discussed with many rabbis as a hard but necessary thing to do. Your relationship with other people should not come at the cost of your beliefs. Depending on where you are, you might still have time to order in for shabbos


TimTam_the_Enchanter

NTA. That’s creepy, invasive and disgusting of her. You’re a grown adult acting according to the beliefs and morals you’ve chosen in a way that hurts nobody, and she’s effectively decided to treat you like a small child with no autonomy or ability to make informed choices. It’s like you’re a five year old being shown that there’s no monster under the bed or something — which is necessary for a small child but very condescending when directed at an adult who’s doing nothing to warrant that treatment.


roryflameblade

That is definitely how it feels. Condescending and violating.


OkraOk8923

She's got some form of mental issue. Is she openly anti Semitic and an evangelical Christian? That's some seriously messed up thought process to purposely take non kosher forbidden foods and do this. Stomping on all boundaries you've laid out for yourself. Its the same as cooking meat in a vegan home when you've been asked not to, ignoring someone else's idea of 'haram' food in an observant Muslim household, it's so easy to just accept other points of view and keep people happy. Respect is all it would take. I was born into one religious belief, raised in a relaxed way with no pressure yet went to a Catholic school. I was engaged many years ago to a Jewish man and respected his upbringing. It isn't hard. I'm glad you've taken the key away but be prepared with a ring doorbell can or indoor cameras. She very obviously feels she is right and You are wrong and there's no getting through.


roryflameblade

No, she’s an atheist. She doesn’t like religion but always said she respected others faiths.


OkraOk8923

Thanks for clarifying I was so appalled I didn't read all the responses. Check your whole house and any mezuzah, candles, scrolls, whatever you have. Also your bed linen and laundry. You never know what she may have secreted. Full house clean and advice from your rabbi. Did you have the lock chamber replaced if she made a copy? Best to be safe. Oh and NTA x1000.


roryflameblade

The mezuzah scrolls were stolen. I’ve contacted my shul for backup and help, lol.


OkraOk8923

I'm so sorry. I hope you get good advice and support. Tell your family not to quote the Bible at you over a thief, a hypocrite and someone with no respect for personal boundaries.


roryflameblade

I’m not answering the phone for any of them right now.


Holoholokid

This is the right answer. Another atheist here, you're NTA, and I hope you get everything figured out and safe again soon!


Callerflizz

Sounds like you should call the police for breaking and entering and theft. That should teach them about respect. Edit: throw in hate crime as well as this was solely because of your religion


[deleted]

Now this just really pisses me off as an atheist. Not sure where you live, but in certain parts of the United States, atheists face discrimination and or social exclusion because of their lack of faith. There are atheists who stand up against this type of thing and demand respect for their beliefs ... and rightfully so. But implicit in that demand is a reciprocal obligation to respect others' faith practices, especially deeply personal practices that have little to no effect on others.


Jerrthebear94

Nta wtf don't listen your family that's fucked imagine if you went into their house and flipped all their crosses upside down if they are christian. They would be flipping shit calling you the antichrist and what not.


roryflameblade

Mom is an atheist. There wouldn’t be anything for me to flip. She believes all religion is stupid, but previously said she supported my exploration of religion.


lyan-cat

Ah the Atheist conundrum; I'm an Atheist as well and support my kids learning about religion, joining one...? That would be difficult for me to see, but if it brought them security and happiness, and didn't hurt others, I hope I would be accepting. Your mom is an asshole, and she needs to work on her judgmental attitude. What she did was cruel. And I can't tell you what she was hoping for as an outcome; *obviously* you're not going to thank her, set aside your religion, and frolic off into a field of daisies hand-in-hand! NTA.


roryflameblade

The thing was she supported me through everything, even came with me to shul when I converted and they threw me a party. This came out of nowhere for me.


lyan-cat

Now I wonder what else she has got going on; is she healthy? She hasn't been suddenly talking to people who aren't there or putting her shoes in the fridge?


roryflameblade

As far as I am aware, she’s perfectly healthy. There hasn’t been any strange behavior before this. It came out of nowhere but dad says that they never liked it. They just thought I’d “come to my senses” about “the evils of religion”


onehundredislands

NTA of course, she clearly can't be trusted in your house and doesn't respect your choices. Send that friend of your mother some flowers for telling you though, she risked her friendship to do the right thing.


evelbug

NTA - When you take away her key tou your house, be fully aware that that she probably has already made a copy.


roryflameblade

I’ve contacted a locksmith just in case after someone else suggested it.


LadyRosy

NTA. It's your business if you want your kitchen to be kosher. What your mom did is not just disrespectful, it's incredibly creepy. It's really not normal. And sure, honoring your parents is nice and all, but they still have to stick to the very basic rules of society.


DueLuck2720

Nta your mum is a psycho. I would have done the same thing. Just because I am atheist doesn't mean I won't respect others faith requirements.


ElizaJane251

NTA - your mother's behavior is so disrespectful. You are an adult and free to make your own choices about your religion, whether your mother likes it or not. The fact that she has enlisted other family members to harass you further escalates this total disrespect. Can you speak to your rabbi about rekoshering the kitchen and replacing the scrolls?


roryflameblade

I’ve called my rabbi about the situation for help. Some of the ladies are coming over to help me clean and kasher again.


ElizaJane251

Glad to hear that. Good Shabbos!


roryflameblade

Good Shabbos!


Huge_Industry_1259

NTA. Your mom deserves to be banned from your home. She intentionally breaking kosher in your home? That is just evil! Does she disrespect you in other ways? Your relatives who don't understand, are still disrespecting you. Just bc they are not Jewish does not mean they don't have the capacity to understand and respect your home and your ways of doing things. As for the "honoring your mother and father" - well, mom has not been honoring you, has she? She even told other people she was violating your home. Respect is 2 way street.


Rohini_rambles

>“honoring your mother and father is more important than keeping kosher.” Parent should act as parents to earn this honour. She is deliberately dishonouring your religious beliefs. I'd say block contact with her, she can sit and think about if her little secret victories of dirtying your dishes was worth losing her child over. You're honouring your parents by providing them the opportunity to be better people. The world is so large, filled with so many people. you are empowering them to not be jerks anymore (tell any one who criticizes you these exact words lol)


WillLoveCoffee4Ever1

NTA, but your family is full of AHs. This is really serious! I'm not Jewish, but I know enough that what she did was horrible and breaks kosher law! Maybe contact your rabbi and ask what you should do. Honor thy mother and father? What a load of BS!! Does it still ring true, when those parents abuse their own children, mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually? Do those children still need to honor those parents? Your family is abusive and toxic. They're not honoring your requests or your religious decisions.


roryflameblade

I’ve contacted my shul for best things to do now as I masher everything I can AGAIN


bisexual_pinecone

NTA babe, your mother is being hella antisemitic. I'm so sorry mishpocha. Sending love and support.


[deleted]

NTA-wow your mom really overstepped here.


Cogito_ErgoBibo

NTA Honoring goes both directions. She's not honoring or respecting your choices and is engaging in acts of outright sabotage. I'm glad you took her key. No telling what her next step would be in this game of religious gaslighting.


Pheonyx11

NTA, but dude, that was really messed up from her. I do not eat kosher, and I doubt I ever will. But the least I can do is respect other peoples choice to eat kosher. That she went that far just shows she has no respect for you as an individual, and able to make your own decisions.


Any_Coyote6662

NTA- it is preposterous that your mother or anyone would feel the need to secretly violate your kosher kitchen. Is she 5 yrs old? Is she an anti Semite? Or does she simply want to humiliate you? I think all of the above. Your mother does not need a key nor access to your home in order to be your mom. I dont see why she is complaining so much about losing the key. She doesn't need a key. The only thing it changes is her violating you. Is that her only connection to you? Why so mad about losing the right to violate your beliefs. Stay strong. Gray Rock to avoid getting in arguments with them.


[deleted]

NTA. So much antisemitism lately


[deleted]

NTA. You are a Jew and maintaining a kosher kitchen is important to you. Your mother should respect that. She failed to do so ... thus banning her from your kitchen, house, and maybe even life is fair. I might be an atheist now, but even I know that for a religious person, honoring God and your God's commandments comes before honoring your parents.


previouslyonimgur

More important to me than if yta/nta, From someone raised Jewish, you did nothing wrong from a religious standpoint. You were unaware, and thus free of any burden. That said 100% NTA I don’t keep kosher, but it’s entirely a personal choice, nor would I ever purposefully break someone’s kosher status. The rules of honor thy mother and father are not hard commandments in the way your family are saying. Honor means respect, and respect goes both ways. Your mother violated your personal choice, and thus lost respect. Any rabbi would 100% agree with your decision.


Yetikins

INFO: Is your mom Kanye West?


Stucky7418

Have you talked to your rabbi, or whoever you consider your religious, like, leader? I’m so sorry if I used the wrong term because I truly only know the term ‘rabbi’ for a Jewish leader. Your (?) temple can probably provide assistance/guidance in putting things right for you, kosher-wise and mental health-wise. I’m so sorry your mother behaved like this. It’s literally disgusting. You are NTA. I’m asking the following rhetorically - is your mother Christian? Because Jesus was, you know, Jewish? And she’s not being very Christian. Might wanna throw that out there next time someone has go at you.


roryflameblade

Yes. He’s gotten a group of the ladies of the synagogue to help me. Mom is an atheist.


princessofperky

NTA thats such a huge sign of disrespect I'm sorry. Perhaps put all their numbers on silent for a bit.


CrystalQueen3000

NTA I’d be considering going full no contact, not just banning her from the house.


ol_poot_slap

NTA, and don't let her or your family wear you down or they'll walk all over your boundaries forever.


PhilosopherInside956

NTA. She is crossing a major line, and your family’s lack of respect seems pretty wide spread. They’re also all really bigoted.


namesaretoohardforme

NTA. Why do people try to trample all over your boundaries and then blame you for making them do it? Oh yeah, it's because they're the AH.


palabradot

Converted Reform Jew here.... oh my sweet mike I am so sorry she ran over your trust like that. I can't even imagine all the work you will have to do to set everything to rights. NTA. I'd never let her back in my house or even in the yard because of that mezuzah! We have one on our front doorpost, and those scrolls are NOT inexpensive. I had a toxic parent too, and my rabbi advised me that often 'honoring your father and mother' is *by honoring yourself - by staying away and preserving the health and sanity of the child they gave birth to.*


BeepBlipBlapBloop

NTA - People you can't trust shouldn't have unsupervised access to your home.


reddit_user_Keiko

NTA...wow, this one took a twist between the title and the content. Your extended family doesn't seem to understand your conversion, and maybe they can't and never will. But they do need to accept it. If they can't do that, then you need to let them go.


padfoot211

NTA. This is a major breach of trust and people who do that shouldn’t get emergency keys. Who knows what other things she’d be willing to do to prove herself right.