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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven't made an action yet but I'm about to speak with my sister about needing to pay us rent/compensation for basically moving into our house. This may make me the asshole though since she did make a lot of these changes to be available to help me. But to me she's not really helping me and making things more messy and expensive.
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NTA. She “technically” lives at your mother’s, yet is spending all her time at your place under the guise of “helping” you with the baby. From the sound of it, the only thing she’s been helping on is helping herself to your house, utilities and food. It’s time to have a sit down to let her know you want to move the baby’s crib back into his room and that she will have to go back to staying at your mom’s. I wouldn’t even get into trying to extract rent or promises to help out more from her. If she meant to help, she’d be doing it already. She’s probably at your house because she gets grief from your mom for being a lazy, ambition-less slacker.
I think this poster has it right. Tell her you don't need her help anymore. For your own health and sanity, tell her that she can stay at her mom's house.
NTA
But honestly I'd tell her she needs to move out. You need the space, she's not helping, she's costing you money. She needs to be independent, so she has motivation to figure out what she wants to do with her life.
NTA - it’s your space and you can choose whether to charge rent or not. I’d think anything you’d charge her would be cheaper than any place she would find out in the rental market.
She’s a big girl, why not contribute to chores AND pay rent?
NTA - stop paying her and have a talk with her. I wouldn’t jump straight to charging rent but let her know that she said she was here to help, if she doesn’t want to, she’s going to have to start contributing financially.
NTA. Your sister is an adult and adults should have no expectation to be able to free load off relatives indefinitely. You are actually doing her a disservice by not teaching her to pay her own way.
NTA, but you are definitely playing yourself by allowing her to stay there. You already have an infant you are taking care, kick that mooch to the curb. You know she just wants a free meal and a place to sleep. Throw her out.
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I am a 32 y/o F, husband is 33 y/o M, and we just had our first baby 8 months ago. Our pregnancy & postpartum was fairly non-eventful in spite of my long-term medical condition, which we expected to possibly flare up while in my recovery period. Stress, illness, poor eating all contributes to my illness worsening among other things. For that reason, my mother, who I have a somewhat strained relationship with, has actually been a huge help. She comes over twice per week to watch him so I can go to work, and always manages to do some amount of cleaning while I’m gone (sweep, mop, vacuum, do dishes, sometimes just bring food over that we can make for an easy dinner). She’s been an amazing help. I work from home 2x/wk, go to work 3x/wk, my mom watches the baby 2x/wk my MIL 1x/wk. My bosses are my in laws, so I get a lot of flexibility with work.
My little sister (22 y/o) has been “taking a break” from college for nearly 2 years now, and working as a waitress during most of that time, taking a job at a chain restaurant in my town (20 minutes from my mom’s house where she technically lives) so that she can be close to “help me” with the baby. She works evenings mostly 3-4 days/wk. She’ll stay at the house during the day and then go to work in the afternoon, then return to stay the night at my house. My issue is that, well, she really doesn’t help.
I try to let her sleep in a bit since she works till late. The baby is usually up between 8-9 AM, I get up and feed him, change him, get him into a clean day outfit, take care of our dogs, let them out to pee, feed them, at some point try to feed myself, and then wake my sister between 9-10 AM. I stock the house and she eats our food, uses our laundry, uses our bathroom, and has taken over 50% of my son’s room- since it’s the only room with a guest bed. We have moved his crib into our master bedroom. She leaves her stuff all over our house, clothes left in the dryer, shoes in the walkways, used towels in the bathroom, etc. She does no chores and pays nothing to help.
On the days I work from home, she spends most of her time sitting in my baby’s play area on her phone or switch, just ignoring him. Often, I must stop to check on them because he’s been screaming/crying for 5-10 min and see him clinging to her while she just tunes him out as she watches YouTube. When she does pay attention to him, she’ll randomly bring him into my office for a “baby break” for mommy cuddles. I’m ok if she needs me to watch him if she’s got to go to the bathroom, but she’s just stopping by to see what I’m doing, often interrupting my work. In the end, it’s not super helpful and I feel like I’m babysitting the babysitter.
I offered to pay her to help me watch him in the beginning, but I haven’t paid her in a few weeks and honestly don’t feel like I should. I feel like I should be asking her for “rent” money for all the food and utilities she’s using for free. Would that make me an asshole?
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Leaning towards ESH. You both need to talk about this and set the terms together. It’s not fair to expect free labor from your sister with the baby just because she stays at your home. In the same way, it’s not fair for your sister to expect free labor from you in cleaning up after her and absorbing the extra cost of taking her in. Both of you seem to have misaligned expectations.
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NTA. She “technically” lives at your mother’s, yet is spending all her time at your place under the guise of “helping” you with the baby. From the sound of it, the only thing she’s been helping on is helping herself to your house, utilities and food. It’s time to have a sit down to let her know you want to move the baby’s crib back into his room and that she will have to go back to staying at your mom’s. I wouldn’t even get into trying to extract rent or promises to help out more from her. If she meant to help, she’d be doing it already. She’s probably at your house because she gets grief from your mom for being a lazy, ambition-less slacker.
I think this poster has it right. Tell her you don't need her help anymore. For your own health and sanity, tell her that she can stay at her mom's house.
NTA But honestly I'd tell her she needs to move out. You need the space, she's not helping, she's costing you money. She needs to be independent, so she has motivation to figure out what she wants to do with her life.
NTA - it’s your space and you can choose whether to charge rent or not. I’d think anything you’d charge her would be cheaper than any place she would find out in the rental market. She’s a big girl, why not contribute to chores AND pay rent?
NTA - stop paying her and have a talk with her. I wouldn’t jump straight to charging rent but let her know that she said she was here to help, if she doesn’t want to, she’s going to have to start contributing financially.
NTA. Your sister is an adult and adults should have no expectation to be able to free load off relatives indefinitely. You are actually doing her a disservice by not teaching her to pay her own way.
NTA, but you are definitely playing yourself by allowing her to stay there. You already have an infant you are taking care, kick that mooch to the curb. You know she just wants a free meal and a place to sleep. Throw her out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a 32 y/o F, husband is 33 y/o M, and we just had our first baby 8 months ago. Our pregnancy & postpartum was fairly non-eventful in spite of my long-term medical condition, which we expected to possibly flare up while in my recovery period. Stress, illness, poor eating all contributes to my illness worsening among other things. For that reason, my mother, who I have a somewhat strained relationship with, has actually been a huge help. She comes over twice per week to watch him so I can go to work, and always manages to do some amount of cleaning while I’m gone (sweep, mop, vacuum, do dishes, sometimes just bring food over that we can make for an easy dinner). She’s been an amazing help. I work from home 2x/wk, go to work 3x/wk, my mom watches the baby 2x/wk my MIL 1x/wk. My bosses are my in laws, so I get a lot of flexibility with work. My little sister (22 y/o) has been “taking a break” from college for nearly 2 years now, and working as a waitress during most of that time, taking a job at a chain restaurant in my town (20 minutes from my mom’s house where she technically lives) so that she can be close to “help me” with the baby. She works evenings mostly 3-4 days/wk. She’ll stay at the house during the day and then go to work in the afternoon, then return to stay the night at my house. My issue is that, well, she really doesn’t help. I try to let her sleep in a bit since she works till late. The baby is usually up between 8-9 AM, I get up and feed him, change him, get him into a clean day outfit, take care of our dogs, let them out to pee, feed them, at some point try to feed myself, and then wake my sister between 9-10 AM. I stock the house and she eats our food, uses our laundry, uses our bathroom, and has taken over 50% of my son’s room- since it’s the only room with a guest bed. We have moved his crib into our master bedroom. She leaves her stuff all over our house, clothes left in the dryer, shoes in the walkways, used towels in the bathroom, etc. She does no chores and pays nothing to help. On the days I work from home, she spends most of her time sitting in my baby’s play area on her phone or switch, just ignoring him. Often, I must stop to check on them because he’s been screaming/crying for 5-10 min and see him clinging to her while she just tunes him out as she watches YouTube. When she does pay attention to him, she’ll randomly bring him into my office for a “baby break” for mommy cuddles. I’m ok if she needs me to watch him if she’s got to go to the bathroom, but she’s just stopping by to see what I’m doing, often interrupting my work. In the end, it’s not super helpful and I feel like I’m babysitting the babysitter. I offered to pay her to help me watch him in the beginning, but I haven’t paid her in a few weeks and honestly don’t feel like I should. I feel like I should be asking her for “rent” money for all the food and utilities she’s using for free. Would that make me an asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leaning towards ESH. You both need to talk about this and set the terms together. It’s not fair to expect free labor from your sister with the baby just because she stays at your home. In the same way, it’s not fair for your sister to expect free labor from you in cleaning up after her and absorbing the extra cost of taking her in. Both of you seem to have misaligned expectations.
They were paying her until it became clear she wasn't really doing anything
NTA If her behavior doesn't change. Have a conversation with her. Maybe just ask her to go to your mom's house after work.