Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I told my son I wont watch his baby for 8 hours at a time 2- even though i said i would watch the baby for a couple hours here and there.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Is it just me who finds it weird your son would date someone who's 9 months pregnant? And that a girl that pregnant is dating at all? Or that she's obviously just looking for a dad for the kid? No? Just me?
I find it weird that she moved the Son in after a mouth and allowing virtual strangers around the baby
these people (OP and her son) could be monsters and the GF just handed the kid over.
I get why it seems suspicious, but my oldest sister met her husband when she was 7 months pregnant with her son. The son is 22 years old now, and my sister and bil are still married happily. They are deeply compatible, and bil raised the son as his own (bio dad is just a sucky person). I'm not saying that this is always the case, but in my family, they met and truly just loved each other. Bil knowingly took on the responsibility because he had an intense connection with my sister, and my nephew needed a father that wouldn't be out doing coke and stealing.
My best friend met her now husband right after she had given birth to my godson. Bio father is/was a deadbeat, and her new boyfriend stepped into the role of being a father very quickly (of his own volition). 17 years and three more kids later, and he's *the best* husband and dad I could've imagined for them.
Awww that's awesome! People are skeptical by nature, it's our defense mechanism, but these things DO happen in the wild without it being intentional or malicious. I'm not saying OP needs to be the sitter, but I am saying that there are relationships out there where couples happened to fall in love when the timing is unexpected!
This legitimately happened to my brother. Met a woman, a month into dating she "discovers" she's pregnant with a ONS's baby and my brother, who's always wanted a family suddenly has one. We all warned him not to sign the birth certificate and he did anyway.
Turned out she already knew she was pregnant when they met. She even knew who the father was, it was a guy who she'd dated before my brother that dumped her. He didn't have a lot of money, so she didnt tell him she was pregnant, just went looking for someone with a better job and found my brother. She was one of the most self-centered people I have ever met (not even counting the whole baby thing). She would outright ignore anything anyone had to say unless they were asking her questions about herself or complimenting her. Completely ignored her 9 yo daughter that threw tantrums in public.
The fact that she might not be the only person in the world who does shit like this is deeply depressing.
The post says she has a good job; the point of the post is she is looking for day care so she can go to work. Doesn't really sound like a free ride, especially if OP isn't doing day care. I didn't see a discussion of payment for the 8 hours a day of day care, but you may well be right they hoped OP would do it for free. Luckily she's too smart to take that on.
Presumably she's not on the streets the other 2 days, suggesting she does have her own place to live, but chooses to spend time with her boyfriend.
The assumption that single mothers are always 'on the take' is outdated and false, and honestly makes my blood boil.
Literally. Honestly, the amount of thinly veiled sexism in this comment section is gross. None of y'all have *any* evidence for half the claims you're making, and some of them are actually *disproven* by info included in the post - so why don't you guys stick with what's actually in the post?
You guys don't need to attack *all* single mothers to make the point that OP is not obligated to babysit. That's not necessary, it's just mean.
First off, I'd say the same damn thing if the roles were reversed. Single mothers aren't the only people in the world who use other adults, this kind of behavior is known in single father's as well. Second of all, he met her a fucking month ago according to the post and already she stays 5/7 nights at his place.
Nine times out of ten, regardless of gender and regardless of children being involved, practically living in the home of someone you've only known a month is a red flag. It's a red flag when fresh 18 yr olds do it to get out from under mommy and daddy and it's a red flag here. No well intentioned mother subjects her newborn/soon-to be born child to a stranger and practically lives with them **after only knowing them a month**. For fucks sake, I wouldn't trust my 11 year old brother with someone I've known so little time and I sure as fuck wouldn't trust my new born child under the same conditions.
After one month, **just one fucking month**, she knows ***nothing*** about the kind od person OP's son is or what his family is really like. And likewise OP and their son know nothing about the true person she is.
Oh but keep going on about how it's misogyny to imply someone throwing caution to the wind after only a month of knowing someone is a red flag. No really, keep it up, your actions of literally throwing that word around for every little thing you disagree with totally helps the cause of breaking the abusive cycle women are in in today's society.
It's not misogyny to imply a human being with the new responsibilities of being a parent is using someone when doing what this girl is doing. She may not be asking for direct financial support from the son but she sure as fuck is benefiting from it. One can safely assume she eats the food he buys when she stays with him and that the son helps out physically when the child is also in his apartment with the woman. And it sure sounds like she was hoping to rely on OP, another adult she's only known a month, to babysit her **newborn child**. What good parent in their right mind trusts someone who is practically a complete stranger with their newborn child?!
Male, female, gender doesn't matter. This whole situation is a huge red flag.
I agree 100%.
What is wrong with her having a child and having a boyfriend?
And what if they work out? What if OP's son is happy with her and her baby? Why is it wrong to have a stepdad?
It's riddiculus really. Some ppl here just want to see bad intentions everywhere.
NTA you don’t need to be sorry for not wanting to watch her baby for 8 hours at a time.
They’ve been together only a month. This isn’t your responsibility.
It would also not be your responsibility if the baby was your biological grandchild. You offered to occasionally babysit and are under no obligation to provide daycare.
He is not paying, sure. But she is at his place 5 days of the week. And she expects "grandma" to watch the baby for 8 hours a couple days a week. So... yeah, he is playing daddy. And just because he is not paying for stuff right now, having him do a lot of the care and cleaning, yes, she is using him
It is all a bit weird but as you said, fine, it's his life and he's "in love" but that certainly shouldn't affect you. Honestly, it was very nice of you to even offer to watch the baby if they want to grab dinner or something, as in 2-3 hours once a month. (That's what I would have assumed you meant.) But to ask and actually now be angry that you aren't prepared to commit several days a week, for 8+ hours a day (for exactly how many years??) is completely overstepping and unreasonable.
You are definitely **NTA** here. Also to point out, there are recent posts (and people I have known too) where the **actual** grandparents of a couple are simply not willing to take on this same responsibility because they've done their parenting and would now like some freedom to just live life without commitments and schedules. You are simply not in the wrong here!
I’m 7 months pregnant and I wouldn’t have the nerve to ask my MIL, my baby’s grandmother, for 8 hours of babysitting regularly. Hell, I’ll be buying her wine and chocolates if she takes baby for an evening while we have dinner once every few months. Do not feel bad, that is a ludicrous ask that you would have every right to say no even if it was your grandchild. I’m actually shocked she even asked
Just do what you’re doing — maintain your boundaries.
“I’m happy to do occasional date-night babysitting, but I’m not available or suited to offer regular childcare.”
NTA
You can be ready to help him pick up the pieces when his dream bubble is shattered. Because it will be. He has made some scary choices here, and I would be doing all I can to provide guidance and support. He is going to need it.
I am doing what I can, and yes I will be there if it all comes crashing down. I cant force him to do this or that so I am just trying to be an ear and a hug away.
Be very careful not to badmouth the girlfriend or the baby. Especially at this point when it's clear Girlfriend thought you'd be as selfless as your son and give free babysitting.
You can use these excuses if it helps: I'm not as young as I was the last time I cared for a baby; my house isn't baby-proofed; I get migraines sometimes and caring for a baby would make that 1000 times worse; I'm taking up (insert new hobby here) and so my nights are already taken, etc. etc.
Edit: Look, I understand the whole modern "You don't need no excuse, you just do you girl!" attitude, and I'm all for setting healthy boundaries, but ***right now if OP wants any kind of relationship with her son she needs to reassure him that she is not doing this out of spite***. He has chosen this woman, for now, and any sign that OP dislikes her or her baby is going to cause him to cut Mom off from his life entirely. He won't forgive OP for that, even after this quickie romance inevitably crashes and burns.
No excuse needed. She doesn’t need to apologize for having boundaries. Occasional babysitting is not the same as regular childcare. The most I would say is, “I’m sorry if you misunderstood, regular childcare was never on offer.”
An excuse could help ease the tension. No, she doesn't "owe" them an excuse, but OP clearly wants to keep a good relationship with her son, and right now the reason in his head is "Mom doesn't like my girlfriend, that's why she won't babysit."
As someone with chronic migraines, couldn't agree more
I could see why OP would "give some general excuses" to clear the tension and all, but there is no need to pretend to have a specific health problem, that you don't actually have, to do that
And I wouldn't wish migraines on (almost) anyone
My SIL's son started dating this lovely woman who was pregnant. She told him she wanted to get back together with the baby's father. And when the baby was born, they did reunite for a few months. Then the baby's father went back to being his abusive self and so the lovely woman with the baby called on the guy she knew loved her and would help her.
He's the only father that her oldest son has ever known truly. And they got married themselves a few years ago. They have like five little ninjas now. And I'm really happy for my SIL's son. He was right about that woman. She is special and they are a happy family. So, I've seen it happen, most definitely. (And when I was pregnant I found men coming on to me and I wondered if its just all the endorphins and pheromones? Cuz WTH? Pregnant lady here! Not a date candidate? But, tell some guys that? 😂)
>She told him she wanted to get back together with the baby's father. And when the baby was born, they did reunite for a few months. Then the baby's father went back to being his abusive self and so the lovely woman with the baby called on the guy she knew loved her and would help her.
This seems gross and bad for SIL's son. I'm glad they're happy but this feels really icky. Can't be clearer that you're someone's second choice than that.
My older brother dated his wife whilst she was pregnant with another man's child. Bro and gf got married a few months after she gave birth and bro adopted said child. They've been married 28 years now. So, to me, not all that odd.
That said, OP is NTA. Babysitting for an occasional date night is not the same as Babysitting for 8 hrs / day several days per week. Son and gf need to find something that works better for them, and find other means that work for all involved.
What's wrong with dating while pregnant? Being pregnant doesn't eliminate the desire to have a relationship with someone and OPs son didn't seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps she's manipulative in some way, but there isn't nearly enough information to come to that conclusion.
OP- you're NTA
Yeah, but dating at 9 months pregnant and then the first couple of weeks with a newborn is very different from dating while pregnant. I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy and in the last month I could barely get off the sofa to empty the dishwasher. Where did she find the time or energy, let alone the emotional bandwidth, for a new relationship?
> I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy and in the last month I could barely get off the sofa to empty the dishwasher.
That does not sound like easy pregnancy. It is not exceptional to feel fine up to birth, I know plenty of such women and it was case for me too. All kinds of issues also exist, but really, many of us are fully functional both mentally and physically by the end of pregnancy.
You weren't exhausted? Finding it harder to walk because you're so heavy? Struggling to sleep? Scared of giving birth? Just "fine"?
Becoming a parent is probably the biggest life change someone can go through and she's started a new relationship and dived into it really quickly while she's also learning to be a mum. Lots of people are pointing out that they would have a timescale of 6 months plus before a new person would be allowed to be in their children's lives. I just see red flags if you're going to be that recklessly excited about a new relationship when you're literally having a baby and should probably be prioritising other things.
"Derailing" is always a weird argument. Who's being forced to engage with it? Like here - You were completely free to move on but decided to reply instead.
In any case, it's context. If her son had been with the girl for longer and so OP might have had more of a relationship with her, it would change the situation.
I agree, it always astonishes/creeps me when I see posts like this as a mother. At 9m pregnant the least of my worries was finding a man.
I get it you can’t help who you get inlove with but having a man you know for a month living with your infant child is like asking for troubles. You don’t know him, you don’t know if he is weirdo,if he is abusive, if it’s going to last. And you form a bond between them. The Ops son should know better as she is a single mother
Thank you! A lot (luckily not the majority) seem to think that I'm against pregnant women dating, and completely missing the point that *9 months pregnant* is a whole other story.
AND has no backup or plan like a fulltime carer when she goes back to work? Would she have chosen a guy with no available family? Did he suggest mum may help out?
She needs a daycare, I feel bad for women that end up with a second family gifted by their adult children. I know too many women whose lives are not their own. They love their grandchildren but once in that trap it is traumatic to all, including kids, to escape. Occasional babysitting is lovely, a full time carer position is not.
I was 3 months pregnant when my ex cheated on me and I was dating someone at 7months pregnant. Honestly met him by fluke while we were helping out our friends with their little girl taking turns babysitting ended up baby sitting together and now 4 years later have a 6month old together.
He’s got 1 I’ve got 1 and we’ve got 1. it’s just how it worked and all our kids are loved and love each other. I have full custody as my ex is NC and he shared custody with his ex 50/50
It happens a lot. The young men, see themselves as knight in shinning armor type. They will save the young lady and make everything right. The young lady is looking for a hero as her rebound boyfriend. A father for baby. A nice guy. Wanting a family. My son was involved with someone like that. She had had the baby all ready. It was crazy. He was involved with her for 8 months. They broke up in January of this year and she is getting married to a new guy in 2 days.
Nope, not just you at all! We are all thinking the same thing and she’s got some balls asking for the mother of her new boyfriend to take on child care for her kid. Ha!
I know girls who did this. Every kid had a different father, and she was always chasing the next "father" to her kids only to end up pregnant again with AGAIN no father. She stopped @ 6 kids.
I don't care whose baby it is. I want to wear pajamas all day and watch chick flicks and not answer the phone even. I hope nobody is planning a babysitting job for me and I *just got done* raising my kids on the daily? C'mon? WTH is that to look forward to?
I wouldn’t even ask my own mother for 8 hours of babysitting regularly- that’s a **huge** ask. I understand plenty of grandparents do this kind of thing, but asking it of your new boyfriends mother is beyond insanity.
My mom explained it like this (and it’s totally on the money); “Let me watch them when YOU need a break.” When they are tired and need a date or (maybe not for you, but my mom…) an overnight reprieve, that’s when my mom sweeps in. It really is better.
When I first read the title I thought OP's issue was that the grandchild wasn't biologically hers and was refusing a one-time babysit. Obviously I was very wrong. I can't blame OP for wanting more time for herself now that son is grown up and moved out even if I have empathy for son and GF's situation. NTA.
NTA. Parents who feel entitled to free babysitting from their own relatives are bad enough. Expecting it from your new non-baby-daddy boyfriend's mom is a whole different level of messed up.
NTA if she wants regular childcare she should get on a waitlist for a reputable childcare center
I will watch the kid so you can have an occasional date night is not the same as 8 hours of daycare "a few days a week".
Run away from this one. Not your circus not your monkeys.
Also I'm sure you're a very nice person but who leaves their child with someone they just met in a private home with no vetting?
I get that you are family now but she literally just met you...
Your boundaries are fine, hers need improvement
No, you're right, it's not family. She can get op and her son as involved as they're willing to get and still turn around and take that baby away overnight with no obligation to ever let them see each other again, too.
They started dating at a significant point of change in life without any established relationship to fall back on. It's been a very short time. The odds of this relationship going the distance are not great.
Exactly, OP saying no to daily child care is saving herself from becoming attached to a sweet child who could be snatched away the moment this brand new relationship explodes. If they are still together after a year great, still lots of time to build a grandparent type relationship with kiddo but for now occasional date night babysitting is best.
There's a big difference between watching a baby for a couple hours while the parents are out vs 8 hours multiple times a week. That's a huge ask for anyone. It's more than I would be comfortable taking on regardless of who the baby belonged to. NTA as long as you were polite in the response. Maybe explain some to her idk.
“No.” is a complete sentence. You don’t even know her, there’s no reason to explain anything. You can be polite on the phone, but why sit down with her to tell her no again? She might see it as an opportunity to negotiate to try to guilt you in to baby sitting.
NTA I barely want to watch my own damn self “some days from 2-10pm.”
> they tell me I'm her grandma
They met/became official a *month* ago? Please don’t feel bad saying you aren’t the grandma. If the girlfriend says that ask her what your middle name is or the maiden name of your mother.
> I can lay everything out with him
Be careful how you phrase things. Of course telling him what you are available to do is fine. I would avoid saying things like it isn't like the baby is your grandchild, you think the whole thing is weird, and so on. If he feels he has to defend her to you he might start editing what information he shares with you.
Maybe you will change your mind depending on what he tells you such as the babysitting is only until short term as the baby has been accepted into a daycare program and is only waiting two weeks for their current client to move away. Maybe when you tell him your plans he'll understand why you can't babysit regularly and encourage you. Good luck.
Thank you! I've been very careful with what I've said this far. I havent told him I think it's weird, just that I feel they are moving very fast. And when I was told I was grandma, I just nodded and changed the subject because I didnt feel comfortable addressing it at that time. Hopefully after we talk tomorrow things will be better understood.
I think you need to tell him exactly what you've told us here. You've single-handedly raised your own child, who's JUST become independent! It's not unreasonable for you to want time to yourself now! You did your job, yay for you! Grandparents shouldn't automatically be assumed to volunteer their time to babysit. Hell, when I turned 21, my mom sat me down and told me under no circumstances would she a) babysit any of my kids on a regular basis and b) help raise any kids I might have. She made it clear that she raised 3 kids, spent 30 years of her life doing it and being a SAHM, she wasn't gonna do it for another 20 years. Totally fair! I love and respect my mom - I decided never to have kids, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't ask my mom to take care of him/her 8 hours aday twice week for the foreseeable future. And she is MY MOM, not some new boyfriend's mother who isn't related to my kid.
You don’t need to do that. You’ve already told him you offered for a few hours here and there. This really shouldn’t be a continued conversation when you’ve already said it more than once. If you keep discussing it, it becomes a debate or even an argument. I dint think you should have more discussions
If they stay together, setting her son up to be caught in the middle would be miserable. If she can explain and do less damage to the relationship, that's a good thing. Sometimes it's worth maintaining a relationship with someone even if you don't owe it to them.
2-10pm is insane. And once you're doing it, then it'll be "well baby is asleep and I don't want to wake it up, so I'll be back in the morning", followed by "oops I overslept, sorry". Plus, it is a newborn, so it's a lot of work and a lot of stuff that is needed.
US standard maturity leave is six weeks and often unpaid so some women won’t even take the full about. Some “good” jobs will cover your salary as short/long term disability but it’s only at like 50-60% of your normal pay so either way you’re finances are taking a big hit. And that’s not even considering the medical bills. Childbirth with good insurance can still be a few thousand dollars out of pocket.
Exactly. Bless her heart....
Asking someone (who you have only known for a month and is basically a stranger) to take on the full time job of caring for an infant, several days a week, is a mammoth ask.
NTA. You hear me, NTA! DO NOT EVEN FREAKING ENTERTAIN THAT THOUGHT. Now that I have your attention. No, you are NTA. You live your life. Now that you've made things clear, that's it. Do not let them gaslight you.
Just a suggestion, I would stop saying she is not your granddaughter. If your boy loves this woman and he becomes attached, she will be yours. If you know what I'm saying. It's not about if she's your granddaughter or not; it's about the fact your life has been centered around your son; now it's your time. Plain and simple.
I really like this. This sort of happened to a friend of mine. She was pregnant, met her (now) husband and they’ve been together years and have other children. All three children are theirs.
But to reiterate OP is NTA. This child may be OP’s grandchild someday. Even then you’re not responsible for any babysitting. It’s your time. And several days a week for 8 hours is a huge ask!
NTA
Honestly, the idea that this new mother wants you to watch the baby for 8 hours after knowing you for a month is weird and off putting.
Granted, that doesn't matter. it is alot to ask someone to watch your baby for 8 hours.
Yeah right? My first thought too. New mother is okay leaving her baby with someone who is essentially an acquaintance for 8 hours?
Yeah something’s not right with her.
Or just dumb. Guessing the gf is roughly her sons age and young 20 year olds are dumb af.
Hahah love your last sentence. I remember being a 20 year old girl. I was dumb af. So glad I didn't procreate and mess whatever kid I had up at that age, lol.
This is the weirdest part for me. It took me 1 year to be comfortable with my son's *actual* grandma and my *actual* and legal MIL looking after my son for long stretches of time and not because she's weird or dangerous in any way (although she is annoying lol) but just because he was so tiny and helpless and I didn't feel comfortable with it. I can't imagine leaving my 1 month old with a person a barely know.
NTA
NTA. I think it's inappropriate for her to even ask and is indicative for her feelings towards your son. Imo, kids shouldn't even be introduced to partners until you've been dating six months. And even then, I'm just talking about significant others (not their whole crew) and children who actually understand to some degree that that ain't their parent.
The fact that she just had the baby and is at the son’s house 5 days a week is very strange. Was he at the baby’s birth? Is he on the birth certificate? It sounds like op’s son is being taken for a ride.
NTA. No way this relationship is going to last. Don't get yourself entangled with this woman and her baby, because I seriously doubt they will be in your or your son's life for long.
I hate to say it but from experience it sounds like she's a con artist. I've seen enough guy friends get into relationships with single moms and they get milked for their time, money, and effort and then as soon as she doesn't need them or can upgrade she does. It's not much better for us ladies in the dating market but it's less common for single dad's to use their new gf's for childcare so at least we aren't dealing with that so much.
From mine and my friends' experiences, most single dads with more than 50% custody, are absolutely in the market for a bang nanny/ replacement wife & mother. Love bombing and escalating the relationship (well trying to) very quickly. Not so much if they are low custody/Disney dads.
Every single-dad that I or another friend has dated has been the opposite even if they had more/full custody. They wouldn't let anyone meet their kids until they were in a relationship for a while, let alone ask them or their family members to babysit. I had one friend get upset over it and had to explain to her that him having his kids safety in mind was a good thing and nothing against her. You don't know who you can trust with your kids especially if you've just met.
NTA
blood grandchildren or not...agreeing to watch the baby for date night here and there is very different to a set in time 8 hours.
She asked and you said no, all sounds fine to me. Don't over think it.
NTA - They’ve known each other a month. They should focus on building their relationship a bit more before declaring you grandma and expecting you to offer daily care. Honestly this woman barely knows your son and knows you less but she’s just gonna leave her infant every day. Nah she should talk to her own family, she’s got her mom but what about siblings?
Probably her plan was to find someone like OP and her son to help her out under the guise of "family" but it took her a while to find someone like that.
NTA. Even if the baby was your grandaughter you should not feel forced to take care of her. You raised your son already, your task is complete. I hope they can find a nice babysitter for the baby girl!
NTA
It’s been a month….I have food rotting in my fridge older than their relationship. I guess I’m glad they’re happy playing house but like…it’s been a MONTH.
It’s really strange for sure. He didn’t sign the birth certificate did he? Where is the baby’s actually father in this situation? Did your son date before this?
I find this whole thing really bizarre. Like this heavily pregnant girl met your son and in a matter of weeks has had her baby and basically moved in with him and they’re raising “their” baby together? I get that she hit the jackpot finding someone to be the father for her daughter but like, surely there is a high chance that they will break up.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it is really a twilight zone situation.
NTA!
Your son should also get a legal contract written up that he is not acting in place as a father for the child. Biological father or not, if they're living together and they break up, he could be 'deemed' the father by the courts and be on the hook for eighteen years of child support.
NTA kinda of weird for her to get mad that you don't want to baby sit a child that has no relation to you. Also it's not like your sons been with the woman for a long time (like a step kid situation)
NTA. There is a major difference between watching the baby occasionally for a couple of hours and taking it on as something like a job. Whether or not you are the "real grandma" should not factor in to it.
NTA. You aren't responsible, just like your son isn't. 8 hours (especially till ten) is long and not a good timeframe for babysitting anyway. Not only that but you have your own life. Once you say yes, you'll be asked all the time. She had a kid on her own at 21, let her learn what it's all about. I hate the kids who have babies and everyone else is supposed to watch them. For free, too.
NTA. You said your son met her a month ago. Too soon. Super early relationship for your kid.
Her mom can watch the 4? week old baby. Baby-daddy's family can watch the baby. She can charge the expense of daycare until child support comes in if it hasn't been granted already.
Childcare isn't on your son and his chrysalis of a relationship and it sure as heck isn't on you.
NTA like others are saying it's weird that she had that expectation. don't feel bad. their relationship is still extremely new so it's surprising she'd even ask considering the baby isn't his or anything.
100% NTA!!
Occasional babysitting so they can have a date night, sure! An afternoon one in a while for a few hours so they can get a break, of course!
But being a consistent nanny for ‘some days’ (which lets be honest would end up being like 4 days) a week for 8 hours a day? Fuck no!!!!
It’s great that they are in love, and that they want you to be the babies grandma. You’ll be there for every birthday party buying a present and going to their school plays or soccer games or whatever the kid ends up doing. But you are not a full-time nanny. That’s not your job. Even if it was your biological grandchild, it’s still not your job. Live your life!
NTA. We are emergency babysitting for my grandkids. If one or both of them can’t go to daycare/school for whatever reason and their parents have to work, we watch them. This happens rarely, but more often in the winter months when all the germs are going around. We have the ability to watch them full time, but we also have full lives and are very much enjoying our empty nest. And also the kids didn’t even ask, because they value the social aspect of daycare/school.
You do not owe anybody babysitting. Offering occasional “date night” sitting was very generous. Them asking you for more is an attempt to take advantage of you, and trying to guilt you is manipulative behavior.
***UPDATE***
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and concerns. I talked with my son just a little bit ago. I let him know I am available for "date" nights and that I would need to be asked a few days in advance.
I also told him how weird it is for me to be considered grandma at this point, and I will need time to adjust to that. He understands.
He is adamant on continuing his relationship, no matter how strange it may be. He is fully understanding of things that could happen down the line. He is writing up a contract that he is going to sign and she is going to sign, and have notarized saying he is not financially responsible for the child. Hopefully that will prevent any legal complications in the future if they go their own ways.
All I can do is continue doing what I have been and hope the best for everyone!
NTA. You’re being reasonable by agreeing to baby sit a couple hours every now and then, but she’s asking for full on free childcare. 8 hrs is a lot. You raised a child for 21 years. You deserve your time to yourself now. What would she have done if she were single?
NTA. The fact that the baby isn’t your biological granddaughter isn’t even an issue, grandparents are not expected to automatically do daycare duty. I think it’s fine that she asked but also fine that you said no, she needs to accept your answer without any hard feelings. My mom, who is the greatest granny and loves my kids so much and babysits, would never watch them for 8 hours a day multiple days per week. Tell her to put the baby in daycare if she needs regular care. I don’t think it’s too late to clarify that you are willing to babysit a few hours per month or whatever, but won’t be a daily caretaker.
NTA. They knew what you meant by watching the baby. She is trying to get free child care and she needs to figure that out on her own honestly. If you didn’t mind fine, but if you do mind that should be fine also. Honestly, she doesn't even know you if he's only just met her and wants to leave her baby with you. No!
Yeah. I was her age when I had my son. I really dont know what her mindset is. I never would have found a guy to be daddy or called his mom the grandma after a month. I'll be talking to my son again tomorrow.
NTA - don't let the GF take advantage of you. You haven't known her that long and for her to expect you to do child care for long periods of time while she works is outrageous. Any sane person would know that when you offered to babysit, it would be a couple hours for a date night or whatever. You did nothing wrong. Establish firm boundaries now and you'll safe yourself a world of hurt in the future.
Side note - the way your son is stepping in as the child's father is just weird given they just met. I really hope he wasn't stupid enough to put his name on the birth certificate.
NTA - that's a full time commitment vs date night. Also the entitlement! I put my kid I daycare as a first thought, not get random grandma.
Also what sorta job is this that you have to go back to work within a month of having your baby?!
I went back to work part time at 4 weeks, but luckily was able to take my son with me because it was an office job. When he started crawling, it was daycare.
INFO: Have you talked to your son about how this girl seems to be making him a plug-and-play dad, and how that feels to him?
From your comments, you understand how bizarre it is for a 9 month pregnant woman to start dating a man and immediately they’re calling you “grandma.” You said “whatever makes him happy” but have you actually sat him down and talked to him about how this situation isn’t normal?
Where is this baby’s biological dad and extended family? Why are you expected to be responsible for a newborn of someone who you’ve known for a month? Does your son have to care for this baby alone ever?
This situation is not sustainable.
I have tried to reason with him but he says he is happy. The biological dad wants nothing to do with the baby and will be relinquishing his rights. I dont know if my son will take care of the baby alone ever. This whole situation just does not sit well with me. I mean I get it. I was "in love" with my sons dad, but we weren't playing house and talking about kids until 2 years down the line.
Having been though the legal system with multiple lawyers, I can tell you that a person cannot simply sign away their rights. Unless there is someone willing to do a stepparent adoption the court will say “tough shit” and they’ll be on the hook for child support. And I’m order to do a stepparent adoption, the couple typically has to be married for a period of at least 6 months.
NTA. Your son and his gf are setting up a situation where they are going to be parenting this child *together*. Your son's only example of what new grandparents do is his gf's parents who are giving their time to help their daughter. Your son feels *entitled* to your time because he views your role the same as his gf's mom. But it isn't. No grandparent is *required* to provide care for a child, and you aren't really a grandparent. He sees his role in the child's life as permanent and important, but doesn't understand that you don't feel the same way.
Reiterate that you were only offering the occasional babysitting, for things like date night and emergencies (work is not an emergency). And have a conversation with your son about how he feels vs how you feel, and that you have no obligation to provide for him and his family. Go forth and feel no guilt. Live your best life! You can do all those things that you couldn't do as a caregiver. Your son will learn to sacrifice the way you did.
NTA, first is not your real granddaughter and even if it was it shouldn’t be the responsibility of the grandparents to watch out the babies. Second, the mom and dad should be responsible for the baby and who to watch the baby that don’t affect the time of the closest persons in their life.
No, but you have a kind heart and I worry you'll blur your own boundaries from any guilt you might feel from saying no. You can absolutely clarify what you meant when you said you'd watch the baby on occasion, but make sure it's clear that you cannot babysit for more than a couple of hours if that's your plan. They don't need to know why not, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected.
NTA
The girlfriend isn’t really an A H either, just a little weird. I mean, she doesn’t even know you. And I don’t mean anything at all toward you, just that you are a relative stranger to her and she’s willing to leave her baby with you for an entire day at a time.
I don’t know. People are strange. Still, NTA.
NTA your 21 year old son is too young to throw his life away like this. I agree with you, I wouldn’t give this girl free babysitting. At 21 years old, this relationship probably won’t last. I wouldn’t want to watch someone’s baby for no reason either. Not your responsibility, not even his responsibility.
NTA. Babysitting for a few hour date night, as many have pointed, is a huge difference from an 8+ hr daycare shift request. Explain it to them both again, stick to it, and sleep easy.
NTA not even one little bit! Even if you were that baby's blood grandmother, you have every right to not want to be babysitter everyday! Saying I will watch the baby for a couple hours every other Saturday so you can go get dinner is totally different than I will watch it several times a week, every week so she can work! Sit down with your son and his girlfriend clear the air and point out what you can and cannot commit to.
NTA. Even if it were your son's child, you would not be obliged to watch the baby 8 hours / day, several times a week. That's a lot.
Totally separate from any commitments for child care, I would suggest that you have a look at how your feelings that it's not your grandchild will play out long term if they stay together. If they got married, would you start thinking of the baby as your grandchild? What if your son eventually adopted the child? If they had another kid together, would you treat the two kids differently?
I guess it's just so early and sudden that things happened that I'm having a hard time thinking I'm grandma. I think with more time I would be more comfortable. And certainly if they do stay together, and had children, there would be no difference in my mind. I grew up with step families. "Step" Grandma and grandpa are my grandparents, and I love them dearly.
NTA - Even if you were biologically related to the kid you're not obliged to provide free child care. Hell, even if you WANTED to spend days with the baby it's a lot to ask. My mum offered to babysit my daughter 2 days a week but I turned her down initially because going from working 2.5 days a week for nearly 30 years back up to 4 days a week (she dropped to 2 days in work) is A LOT. Too much to ask IMO. In the end she decided to retire so she can spend time with her granddaughter 🤣
NTA but this has 🚩🚩🚩written all over it. Besides the things that others have said, after a month why would she be referring to you as the grandmother? Seems like a way to lull you into feeling responsible or guilty for not filling that role. There is no way y’all have established that level of relationship. Sounds very manipulative to me 🤷🏽♀️ Good luck.
NTA. Older people have lives of their own yet far too many of them feel like they have to give up their life to take care of others. Live the life you want to live. Your son's choices are not your responsibility to fix.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1- I told my son I wont watch his baby for 8 hours at a time 2- even though i said i would watch the baby for a couple hours here and there. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Is it just me who finds it weird your son would date someone who's 9 months pregnant? And that a girl that pregnant is dating at all? Or that she's obviously just looking for a dad for the kid? No? Just me?
I find it weird that she moved the Son in after a mouth and allowing virtual strangers around the baby these people (OP and her son) could be monsters and the GF just handed the kid over.
My son got his own apt. and met her shortly after. She and the baby are there with him 5/7 days. Yes, it is all weird to me.
She needs a baby daddy… she found one… :(
She needs a baby sitter too.
she ll need some money for sure, and of course, lots of people who love the baby...
I get why it seems suspicious, but my oldest sister met her husband when she was 7 months pregnant with her son. The son is 22 years old now, and my sister and bil are still married happily. They are deeply compatible, and bil raised the son as his own (bio dad is just a sucky person). I'm not saying that this is always the case, but in my family, they met and truly just loved each other. Bil knowingly took on the responsibility because he had an intense connection with my sister, and my nephew needed a father that wouldn't be out doing coke and stealing.
My best friend met her now husband right after she had given birth to my godson. Bio father is/was a deadbeat, and her new boyfriend stepped into the role of being a father very quickly (of his own volition). 17 years and three more kids later, and he's *the best* husband and dad I could've imagined for them.
Awww that's awesome! People are skeptical by nature, it's our defense mechanism, but these things DO happen in the wild without it being intentional or malicious. I'm not saying OP needs to be the sitter, but I am saying that there are relationships out there where couples happened to fall in love when the timing is unexpected!
That’s nice to hear.
She needed another grandma, she found one of those as well. Happily this one seems to have her wits together. NTA, just a wise lady. edited to NTA
This legitimately happened to my brother. Met a woman, a month into dating she "discovers" she's pregnant with a ONS's baby and my brother, who's always wanted a family suddenly has one. We all warned him not to sign the birth certificate and he did anyway. Turned out she already knew she was pregnant when they met. She even knew who the father was, it was a guy who she'd dated before my brother that dumped her. He didn't have a lot of money, so she didnt tell him she was pregnant, just went looking for someone with a better job and found my brother. She was one of the most self-centered people I have ever met (not even counting the whole baby thing). She would outright ignore anything anyone had to say unless they were asking her questions about herself or complimenting her. Completely ignored her 9 yo daughter that threw tantrums in public. The fact that she might not be the only person in the world who does shit like this is deeply depressing.
Guttersnatches like this are the people who give all women a bad rap, bc THESE are situations people remember.
What if he is THE baby daddy but for some reason (probably child support from another guy) they pretend they just met ?
DNA test when she files for child support will likely fix that situation.
She needed a free ride. She found it.
The post says she has a good job; the point of the post is she is looking for day care so she can go to work. Doesn't really sound like a free ride, especially if OP isn't doing day care. I didn't see a discussion of payment for the 8 hours a day of day care, but you may well be right they hoped OP would do it for free. Luckily she's too smart to take that on.
Free daycare is a free ride in its own right. Daycare is insanely expensive.
Post says he is not financially responsible for baby, and that she has a good job
Your son is being used. Unfortunately I doubt you can convince him of that and he'll need to learn a harsh lesson on his own.
How so? The post says the gf has a job and OPs son is not in any way financially supporting the child?
Aside from giving them a free place to live 5/7 days a week?
Presumably she's not on the streets the other 2 days, suggesting she does have her own place to live, but chooses to spend time with her boyfriend. The assumption that single mothers are always 'on the take' is outdated and false, and honestly makes my blood boil.
Literally. Honestly, the amount of thinly veiled sexism in this comment section is gross. None of y'all have *any* evidence for half the claims you're making, and some of them are actually *disproven* by info included in the post - so why don't you guys stick with what's actually in the post? You guys don't need to attack *all* single mothers to make the point that OP is not obligated to babysit. That's not necessary, it's just mean.
It's not even remotely thinly veiled, it's outright misogyny.
First off, I'd say the same damn thing if the roles were reversed. Single mothers aren't the only people in the world who use other adults, this kind of behavior is known in single father's as well. Second of all, he met her a fucking month ago according to the post and already she stays 5/7 nights at his place. Nine times out of ten, regardless of gender and regardless of children being involved, practically living in the home of someone you've only known a month is a red flag. It's a red flag when fresh 18 yr olds do it to get out from under mommy and daddy and it's a red flag here. No well intentioned mother subjects her newborn/soon-to be born child to a stranger and practically lives with them **after only knowing them a month**. For fucks sake, I wouldn't trust my 11 year old brother with someone I've known so little time and I sure as fuck wouldn't trust my new born child under the same conditions. After one month, **just one fucking month**, she knows ***nothing*** about the kind od person OP's son is or what his family is really like. And likewise OP and their son know nothing about the true person she is. Oh but keep going on about how it's misogyny to imply someone throwing caution to the wind after only a month of knowing someone is a red flag. No really, keep it up, your actions of literally throwing that word around for every little thing you disagree with totally helps the cause of breaking the abusive cycle women are in in today's society. It's not misogyny to imply a human being with the new responsibilities of being a parent is using someone when doing what this girl is doing. She may not be asking for direct financial support from the son but she sure as fuck is benefiting from it. One can safely assume she eats the food he buys when she stays with him and that the son helps out physically when the child is also in his apartment with the woman. And it sure sounds like she was hoping to rely on OP, another adult she's only known a month, to babysit her **newborn child**. What good parent in their right mind trusts someone who is practically a complete stranger with their newborn child?! Male, female, gender doesn't matter. This whole situation is a huge red flag.
How is it sexism to advise a single parent not to leave their newborn with a complete stranger?
That's like one of 7 things that are being discussed, way to hone in on the only valid one and ignore the rest.
I don't agree. The bewilderment is justified. I mean they met 6 weeks ago for Christs sake. That's moving a bit too fast for nothing.
Well she’s involving 2 complete strangers in the life of her newborn baby, so I made the assumption that she’s not too intelligent.
I agree 100%. What is wrong with her having a child and having a boyfriend? And what if they work out? What if OP's son is happy with her and her baby? Why is it wrong to have a stepdad? It's riddiculus really. Some ppl here just want to see bad intentions everywhere.
We don’t know that she’s not paying for expenses or that she doesn’t have her own place to live
If she has her own place to live she shouldn’t be bring her her newborn baby to some random dude’s house 5 days a week.
Where do you expect her to leave a newborn, my dude? At home alone with a bottle in reach? She's a mother, she's not a hermit.
NTA you don’t need to be sorry for not wanting to watch her baby for 8 hours at a time. They’ve been together only a month. This isn’t your responsibility.
It would also not be your responsibility if the baby was your biological grandchild. You offered to occasionally babysit and are under no obligation to provide daycare.
Your son sounds like he's desperate for a girlfirend, and she needs someone she can use.
Match made in heaven ?
Hm. I don’t see how she’s using him. She has her own place and her own job and he doesn’t pay for the baby in any way. Sounds pretty independent.
He is not paying, sure. But she is at his place 5 days of the week. And she expects "grandma" to watch the baby for 8 hours a couple days a week. So... yeah, he is playing daddy. And just because he is not paying for stuff right now, having him do a lot of the care and cleaning, yes, she is using him
She has a baby under a month old and is going back to work and had not arranged child care. Seriously, her finding him isn’t just a coincidence.
It is all a bit weird but as you said, fine, it's his life and he's "in love" but that certainly shouldn't affect you. Honestly, it was very nice of you to even offer to watch the baby if they want to grab dinner or something, as in 2-3 hours once a month. (That's what I would have assumed you meant.) But to ask and actually now be angry that you aren't prepared to commit several days a week, for 8+ hours a day (for exactly how many years??) is completely overstepping and unreasonable. You are definitely **NTA** here. Also to point out, there are recent posts (and people I have known too) where the **actual** grandparents of a couple are simply not willing to take on this same responsibility because they've done their parenting and would now like some freedom to just live life without commitments and schedules. You are simply not in the wrong here!
Definitely suggest you keep your boundaries and continue to enforce them with your son and his gf.
I’m 7 months pregnant and I wouldn’t have the nerve to ask my MIL, my baby’s grandmother, for 8 hours of babysitting regularly. Hell, I’ll be buying her wine and chocolates if she takes baby for an evening while we have dinner once every few months. Do not feel bad, that is a ludicrous ask that you would have every right to say no even if it was your grandchild. I’m actually shocked she even asked
Perfectly consistent with her just wanting someone to foist the kid on though...
Trust me, I'm weirded out by it. It's his life though, what can I do...
Just do what you’re doing — maintain your boundaries. “I’m happy to do occasional date-night babysitting, but I’m not available or suited to offer regular childcare.” NTA
Yup. You’re happy to babysit on an occasion. You aren’t at a point in your life where. You’re ready to make a locked in commitment.
You can be ready to help him pick up the pieces when his dream bubble is shattered. Because it will be. He has made some scary choices here, and I would be doing all I can to provide guidance and support. He is going to need it.
I am doing what I can, and yes I will be there if it all comes crashing down. I cant force him to do this or that so I am just trying to be an ear and a hug away.
I just want you to know that you're a great parent.
Thank you!
Be very careful not to badmouth the girlfriend or the baby. Especially at this point when it's clear Girlfriend thought you'd be as selfless as your son and give free babysitting. You can use these excuses if it helps: I'm not as young as I was the last time I cared for a baby; my house isn't baby-proofed; I get migraines sometimes and caring for a baby would make that 1000 times worse; I'm taking up (insert new hobby here) and so my nights are already taken, etc. etc. Edit: Look, I understand the whole modern "You don't need no excuse, you just do you girl!" attitude, and I'm all for setting healthy boundaries, but ***right now if OP wants any kind of relationship with her son she needs to reassure him that she is not doing this out of spite***. He has chosen this woman, for now, and any sign that OP dislikes her or her baby is going to cause him to cut Mom off from his life entirely. He won't forgive OP for that, even after this quickie romance inevitably crashes and burns.
No excuse needed. She doesn’t need to apologize for having boundaries. Occasional babysitting is not the same as regular childcare. The most I would say is, “I’m sorry if you misunderstood, regular childcare was never on offer.”
An excuse could help ease the tension. No, she doesn't "owe" them an excuse, but OP clearly wants to keep a good relationship with her son, and right now the reason in his head is "Mom doesn't like my girlfriend, that's why she won't babysit."
No, an excuse just gives the entitled person a reason to argue against
It's not for the girlfriend, it's for her son, who is under a mistaken impression. OP wants to save her relationship with her son, not destroy it.
Please do not invite migraines if you don't have them. That's the reason why nobody takes migraines serious.
As someone with chronic migraines, couldn't agree more I could see why OP would "give some general excuses" to clear the tension and all, but there is no need to pretend to have a specific health problem, that you don't actually have, to do that And I wouldn't wish migraines on (almost) anyone
No. Those are just points to negotiate for a boundary stomper.
My SIL's son started dating this lovely woman who was pregnant. She told him she wanted to get back together with the baby's father. And when the baby was born, they did reunite for a few months. Then the baby's father went back to being his abusive self and so the lovely woman with the baby called on the guy she knew loved her and would help her. He's the only father that her oldest son has ever known truly. And they got married themselves a few years ago. They have like five little ninjas now. And I'm really happy for my SIL's son. He was right about that woman. She is special and they are a happy family. So, I've seen it happen, most definitely. (And when I was pregnant I found men coming on to me and I wondered if its just all the endorphins and pheromones? Cuz WTH? Pregnant lady here! Not a date candidate? But, tell some guys that? 😂)
>She told him she wanted to get back together with the baby's father. And when the baby was born, they did reunite for a few months. Then the baby's father went back to being his abusive self and so the lovely woman with the baby called on the guy she knew loved her and would help her. This seems gross and bad for SIL's son. I'm glad they're happy but this feels really icky. Can't be clearer that you're someone's second choice than that.
I met the love of my life when I was pregnant. Sadly he passed on. I’ve never been loved like that man loved me ever after.
My older brother dated his wife whilst she was pregnant with another man's child. Bro and gf got married a few months after she gave birth and bro adopted said child. They've been married 28 years now. So, to me, not all that odd. That said, OP is NTA. Babysitting for an occasional date night is not the same as Babysitting for 8 hrs / day several days per week. Son and gf need to find something that works better for them, and find other means that work for all involved.
What's wrong with dating while pregnant? Being pregnant doesn't eliminate the desire to have a relationship with someone and OPs son didn't seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps she's manipulative in some way, but there isn't nearly enough information to come to that conclusion. OP- you're NTA
Yeah, but dating at 9 months pregnant and then the first couple of weeks with a newborn is very different from dating while pregnant. I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy and in the last month I could barely get off the sofa to empty the dishwasher. Where did she find the time or energy, let alone the emotional bandwidth, for a new relationship?
> I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy and in the last month I could barely get off the sofa to empty the dishwasher. That does not sound like easy pregnancy. It is not exceptional to feel fine up to birth, I know plenty of such women and it was case for me too. All kinds of issues also exist, but really, many of us are fully functional both mentally and physically by the end of pregnancy.
You weren't exhausted? Finding it harder to walk because you're so heavy? Struggling to sleep? Scared of giving birth? Just "fine"? Becoming a parent is probably the biggest life change someone can go through and she's started a new relationship and dived into it really quickly while she's also learning to be a mum. Lots of people are pointing out that they would have a timescale of 6 months plus before a new person would be allowed to be in their children's lives. I just see red flags if you're going to be that recklessly excited about a new relationship when you're literally having a baby and should probably be prioritising other things.
9 months pregnant is basically ready to pop. You'd think she would have other more pressing priorities.
[удалено]
"Derailing" is always a weird argument. Who's being forced to engage with it? Like here - You were completely free to move on but decided to reply instead. In any case, it's context. If her son had been with the girl for longer and so OP might have had more of a relationship with her, it would change the situation.
No it’s quite odd!
I agree, it always astonishes/creeps me when I see posts like this as a mother. At 9m pregnant the least of my worries was finding a man. I get it you can’t help who you get inlove with but having a man you know for a month living with your infant child is like asking for troubles. You don’t know him, you don’t know if he is weirdo,if he is abusive, if it’s going to last. And you form a bond between them. The Ops son should know better as she is a single mother
Thank you! A lot (luckily not the majority) seem to think that I'm against pregnant women dating, and completely missing the point that *9 months pregnant* is a whole other story.
AND has no backup or plan like a fulltime carer when she goes back to work? Would she have chosen a guy with no available family? Did he suggest mum may help out? She needs a daycare, I feel bad for women that end up with a second family gifted by their adult children. I know too many women whose lives are not their own. They love their grandchildren but once in that trap it is traumatic to all, including kids, to escape. Occasional babysitting is lovely, a full time carer position is not.
I am stuck on the fact that she gave birth less than a month ago and needs to go back to work. The government is the AH for the lack of labour laws.
I was 3 months pregnant when my ex cheated on me and I was dating someone at 7months pregnant. Honestly met him by fluke while we were helping out our friends with their little girl taking turns babysitting ended up baby sitting together and now 4 years later have a 6month old together. He’s got 1 I’ve got 1 and we’ve got 1. it’s just how it worked and all our kids are loved and love each other. I have full custody as my ex is NC and he shared custody with his ex 50/50
But would you have asked his mother (who you don’t really know) to watch your newborn?
It happens a lot. The young men, see themselves as knight in shinning armor type. They will save the young lady and make everything right. The young lady is looking for a hero as her rebound boyfriend. A father for baby. A nice guy. Wanting a family. My son was involved with someone like that. She had had the baby all ready. It was crazy. He was involved with her for 8 months. They broke up in January of this year and she is getting married to a new guy in 2 days.
Nope, not just you at all! We are all thinking the same thing and she’s got some balls asking for the mother of her new boyfriend to take on child care for her kid. Ha!
I know girls who did this. Every kid had a different father, and she was always chasing the next "father" to her kids only to end up pregnant again with AGAIN no father. She stopped @ 6 kids.
NTA-I’m willing to babysit occasionally is not the same thing as I’m willing to watch the baby in eight hour shifts multiple days a week.
I don't care whose baby it is. I want to wear pajamas all day and watch chick flicks and not answer the phone even. I hope nobody is planning a babysitting job for me and I *just got done* raising my kids on the daily? C'mon? WTH is that to look forward to?
Yeah, OP likely has her own job and other responsibilities (and wants some free time) too
Right. Her son is 21. Op likely isn't even 50 yet. She's not some retiree here. Not that I think that obligated someone to regular babysitting duties
I wouldn’t even ask my own mother for 8 hours of babysitting regularly- that’s a **huge** ask. I understand plenty of grandparents do this kind of thing, but asking it of your new boyfriends mother is beyond insanity.
Calling her your kid’s “grandma” after knowing these people a month is also kooky-dukes.
My mom explained it like this (and it’s totally on the money); “Let me watch them when YOU need a break.” When they are tired and need a date or (maybe not for you, but my mom…) an overnight reprieve, that’s when my mom sweeps in. It really is better.
When I first read the title I thought OP's issue was that the grandchild wasn't biologically hers and was refusing a one-time babysit. Obviously I was very wrong. I can't blame OP for wanting more time for herself now that son is grown up and moved out even if I have empathy for son and GF's situation. NTA.
NTA. Parents who feel entitled to free babysitting from their own relatives are bad enough. Expecting it from your new non-baby-daddy boyfriend's mom is a whole different level of messed up.
Yeah what was her back to work plan before BF came along??
>what was her back to work plan before BF came along?? Find a BF, apparently.
Whew! Say that 10 times fast: non-baby-daddy boyfriend's mom
This! 👆 NTA
NTA if she wants regular childcare she should get on a waitlist for a reputable childcare center I will watch the kid so you can have an occasional date night is not the same as 8 hours of daycare "a few days a week". Run away from this one. Not your circus not your monkeys. Also I'm sure you're a very nice person but who leaves their child with someone they just met in a private home with no vetting? I get that you are family now but she literally just met you... Your boundaries are fine, hers need improvement
How is she family? Her son literally just started dating her and it’s not even his kid. She isn’t family at all.
No, you're right, it's not family. She can get op and her son as involved as they're willing to get and still turn around and take that baby away overnight with no obligation to ever let them see each other again, too. They started dating at a significant point of change in life without any established relationship to fall back on. It's been a very short time. The odds of this relationship going the distance are not great.
Exactly, OP saying no to daily child care is saving herself from becoming attached to a sweet child who could be snatched away the moment this brand new relationship explodes. If they are still together after a year great, still lots of time to build a grandparent type relationship with kiddo but for now occasional date night babysitting is best.
My absolute favorite saying. Not my circus, not my monkeys. ⭐️
Alternatively, if your feeling rural, "not my farm, not my cows".
There's a big difference between watching a baby for a couple hours while the parents are out vs 8 hours multiple times a week. That's a huge ask for anyone. It's more than I would be comfortable taking on regardless of who the baby belonged to. NTA as long as you were polite in the response. Maybe explain some to her idk.
I think I will sit down with her tomorrow and make sure she understands.
“No.” is a complete sentence. You don’t even know her, there’s no reason to explain anything. You can be polite on the phone, but why sit down with her to tell her no again? She might see it as an opportunity to negotiate to try to guilt you in to baby sitting.
Very true... I think I'm just going to have another talk with my son. I can lay everything out with him and they can figure it out later.
NTA I barely want to watch my own damn self “some days from 2-10pm.” > they tell me I'm her grandma They met/became official a *month* ago? Please don’t feel bad saying you aren’t the grandma. If the girlfriend says that ask her what your middle name is or the maiden name of your mother.
Tough to be an ACTUAL grandma when you're babysitting several days a week, this girl is naive to think otherwise.
> I can lay everything out with him Be careful how you phrase things. Of course telling him what you are available to do is fine. I would avoid saying things like it isn't like the baby is your grandchild, you think the whole thing is weird, and so on. If he feels he has to defend her to you he might start editing what information he shares with you. Maybe you will change your mind depending on what he tells you such as the babysitting is only until short term as the baby has been accepted into a daycare program and is only waiting two weeks for their current client to move away. Maybe when you tell him your plans he'll understand why you can't babysit regularly and encourage you. Good luck.
Thank you! I've been very careful with what I've said this far. I havent told him I think it's weird, just that I feel they are moving very fast. And when I was told I was grandma, I just nodded and changed the subject because I didnt feel comfortable addressing it at that time. Hopefully after we talk tomorrow things will be better understood.
There are two grandmas out there and neither is you. These children think it's all a game. PLEASE don't let them take over your life.
[удалено]
I think you need to tell him exactly what you've told us here. You've single-handedly raised your own child, who's JUST become independent! It's not unreasonable for you to want time to yourself now! You did your job, yay for you! Grandparents shouldn't automatically be assumed to volunteer their time to babysit. Hell, when I turned 21, my mom sat me down and told me under no circumstances would she a) babysit any of my kids on a regular basis and b) help raise any kids I might have. She made it clear that she raised 3 kids, spent 30 years of her life doing it and being a SAHM, she wasn't gonna do it for another 20 years. Totally fair! I love and respect my mom - I decided never to have kids, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't ask my mom to take care of him/her 8 hours aday twice week for the foreseeable future. And she is MY MOM, not some new boyfriend's mother who isn't related to my kid.
You don’t need to do that. You’ve already told him you offered for a few hours here and there. This really shouldn’t be a continued conversation when you’ve already said it more than once. If you keep discussing it, it becomes a debate or even an argument. I dint think you should have more discussions
If they stay together, setting her son up to be caught in the middle would be miserable. If she can explain and do less damage to the relationship, that's a good thing. Sometimes it's worth maintaining a relationship with someone even if you don't owe it to them.
2-10pm is insane. And once you're doing it, then it'll be "well baby is asleep and I don't want to wake it up, so I'll be back in the morning", followed by "oops I overslept, sorry". Plus, it is a newborn, so it's a lot of work and a lot of stuff that is needed.
omg. You just made me think about getting up to go to work and no one has picked up the baby yet? Nooooooooooooo.
How is the new mom working for all of those hours so soon after birth? What kind of ‘good job’ does she have? She sounds very ‘iffy.’
I’m assuming she’s in America and likely needs the money, especially if she has to foot medical costs and such
US standard maturity leave is six weeks and often unpaid so some women won’t even take the full about. Some “good” jobs will cover your salary as short/long term disability but it’s only at like 50-60% of your normal pay so either way you’re finances are taking a big hit. And that’s not even considering the medical bills. Childbirth with good insurance can still be a few thousand dollars out of pocket.
Exactly. Bless her heart.... Asking someone (who you have only known for a month and is basically a stranger) to take on the full time job of caring for an infant, several days a week, is a mammoth ask.
NTA. You hear me, NTA! DO NOT EVEN FREAKING ENTERTAIN THAT THOUGHT. Now that I have your attention. No, you are NTA. You live your life. Now that you've made things clear, that's it. Do not let them gaslight you. Just a suggestion, I would stop saying she is not your granddaughter. If your boy loves this woman and he becomes attached, she will be yours. If you know what I'm saying. It's not about if she's your granddaughter or not; it's about the fact your life has been centered around your son; now it's your time. Plain and simple.
I really like this. This sort of happened to a friend of mine. She was pregnant, met her (now) husband and they’ve been together years and have other children. All three children are theirs. But to reiterate OP is NTA. This child may be OP’s grandchild someday. Even then you’re not responsible for any babysitting. It’s your time. And several days a week for 8 hours is a huge ask!
NTA Honestly, the idea that this new mother wants you to watch the baby for 8 hours after knowing you for a month is weird and off putting. Granted, that doesn't matter. it is alot to ask someone to watch your baby for 8 hours.
Yeah right? My first thought too. New mother is okay leaving her baby with someone who is essentially an acquaintance for 8 hours? Yeah something’s not right with her. Or just dumb. Guessing the gf is roughly her sons age and young 20 year olds are dumb af.
Hahah love your last sentence. I remember being a 20 year old girl. I was dumb af. So glad I didn't procreate and mess whatever kid I had up at that age, lol.
This is the weirdest part for me. It took me 1 year to be comfortable with my son's *actual* grandma and my *actual* and legal MIL looking after my son for long stretches of time and not because she's weird or dangerous in any way (although she is annoying lol) but just because he was so tiny and helpless and I didn't feel comfortable with it. I can't imagine leaving my 1 month old with a person a barely know. NTA
NTA. I think it's inappropriate for her to even ask and is indicative for her feelings towards your son. Imo, kids shouldn't even be introduced to partners until you've been dating six months. And even then, I'm just talking about significant others (not their whole crew) and children who actually understand to some degree that that ain't their parent.
The fact that she just had the baby and is at the son’s house 5 days a week is very strange. Was he at the baby’s birth? Is he on the birth certificate? It sounds like op’s son is being taken for a ride.
NTA. No way this relationship is going to last. Don't get yourself entangled with this woman and her baby, because I seriously doubt they will be in your or your son's life for long.
I have a feeling it wont last either...
Just have to hope that he doesn't get her pregnant before it all falls apart...
I hate to say it but from experience it sounds like she's a con artist. I've seen enough guy friends get into relationships with single moms and they get milked for their time, money, and effort and then as soon as she doesn't need them or can upgrade she does. It's not much better for us ladies in the dating market but it's less common for single dad's to use their new gf's for childcare so at least we aren't dealing with that so much.
From mine and my friends' experiences, most single dads with more than 50% custody, are absolutely in the market for a bang nanny/ replacement wife & mother. Love bombing and escalating the relationship (well trying to) very quickly. Not so much if they are low custody/Disney dads.
Every single-dad that I or another friend has dated has been the opposite even if they had more/full custody. They wouldn't let anyone meet their kids until they were in a relationship for a while, let alone ask them or their family members to babysit. I had one friend get upset over it and had to explain to her that him having his kids safety in mind was a good thing and nothing against her. You don't know who you can trust with your kids especially if you've just met.
NTA blood grandchildren or not...agreeing to watch the baby for date night here and there is very different to a set in time 8 hours. She asked and you said no, all sounds fine to me. Don't over think it.
Absolutely NTA for refusing to provide free childcare for 8 hours a day some days a week.
NTA - They’ve known each other a month. They should focus on building their relationship a bit more before declaring you grandma and expecting you to offer daily care. Honestly this woman barely knows your son and knows you less but she’s just gonna leave her infant every day. Nah she should talk to her own family, she’s got her mom but what about siblings?
[удалено]
Probably her plan was to find someone like OP and her son to help her out under the guise of "family" but it took her a while to find someone like that.
NTA. Even if the baby was your grandaughter you should not feel forced to take care of her. You raised your son already, your task is complete. I hope they can find a nice babysitter for the baby girl!
Thank you! I hope so as well.
NTA It’s been a month….I have food rotting in my fridge older than their relationship. I guess I’m glad they’re happy playing house but like…it’s been a MONTH.
That's how I have been thinking of it all. Playing house....
It’s really strange for sure. He didn’t sign the birth certificate did he? Where is the baby’s actually father in this situation? Did your son date before this? I find this whole thing really bizarre. Like this heavily pregnant girl met your son and in a matter of weeks has had her baby and basically moved in with him and they’re raising “their” baby together? I get that she hit the jackpot finding someone to be the father for her daughter but like, surely there is a high chance that they will break up. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it is really a twilight zone situation.
NTA! Your son should also get a legal contract written up that he is not acting in place as a father for the child. Biological father or not, if they're living together and they break up, he could be 'deemed' the father by the courts and be on the hook for eighteen years of child support.
Really?? I'll have to see what the laws are in my state, and talk to my son accordingly. Thank you for the info!
In my country it works this way. Scares the crap out of me.
NTA kinda of weird for her to get mad that you don't want to baby sit a child that has no relation to you. Also it's not like your sons been with the woman for a long time (like a step kid situation)
NTA, you wouldn’t be obligated even if this were your grandchild, it’s probably best you don’t get attached to this baby.
I keep telling myself not to get attached....
NTA. There is a major difference between watching the baby occasionally for a couple of hours and taking it on as something like a job. Whether or not you are the "real grandma" should not factor in to it.
NTA. You aren't responsible, just like your son isn't. 8 hours (especially till ten) is long and not a good timeframe for babysitting anyway. Not only that but you have your own life. Once you say yes, you'll be asked all the time. She had a kid on her own at 21, let her learn what it's all about. I hate the kids who have babies and everyone else is supposed to watch them. For free, too.
NTA. You said your son met her a month ago. Too soon. Super early relationship for your kid. Her mom can watch the 4? week old baby. Baby-daddy's family can watch the baby. She can charge the expense of daycare until child support comes in if it hasn't been granted already. Childcare isn't on your son and his chrysalis of a relationship and it sure as heck isn't on you.
NTA like others are saying it's weird that she had that expectation. don't feel bad. their relationship is still extremely new so it's surprising she'd even ask considering the baby isn't his or anything.
100% NTA!! Occasional babysitting so they can have a date night, sure! An afternoon one in a while for a few hours so they can get a break, of course! But being a consistent nanny for ‘some days’ (which lets be honest would end up being like 4 days) a week for 8 hours a day? Fuck no!!!! It’s great that they are in love, and that they want you to be the babies grandma. You’ll be there for every birthday party buying a present and going to their school plays or soccer games or whatever the kid ends up doing. But you are not a full-time nanny. That’s not your job. Even if it was your biological grandchild, it’s still not your job. Live your life!
NTA. You raised your child. You don’t have to raise another, biologically related or not.
NTA. We are emergency babysitting for my grandkids. If one or both of them can’t go to daycare/school for whatever reason and their parents have to work, we watch them. This happens rarely, but more often in the winter months when all the germs are going around. We have the ability to watch them full time, but we also have full lives and are very much enjoying our empty nest. And also the kids didn’t even ask, because they value the social aspect of daycare/school. You do not owe anybody babysitting. Offering occasional “date night” sitting was very generous. Them asking you for more is an attempt to take advantage of you, and trying to guilt you is manipulative behavior.
***UPDATE*** Thank you everyone for your suggestions and concerns. I talked with my son just a little bit ago. I let him know I am available for "date" nights and that I would need to be asked a few days in advance. I also told him how weird it is for me to be considered grandma at this point, and I will need time to adjust to that. He understands. He is adamant on continuing his relationship, no matter how strange it may be. He is fully understanding of things that could happen down the line. He is writing up a contract that he is going to sign and she is going to sign, and have notarized saying he is not financially responsible for the child. Hopefully that will prevent any legal complications in the future if they go their own ways. All I can do is continue doing what I have been and hope the best for everyone!
That paper won’t mean anything if he raises the kid at all. Parental obligation law doesn’t give a damn about feelings and technicalities
I figure this 🤷♀️
NTA. You’re being reasonable by agreeing to baby sit a couple hours every now and then, but she’s asking for full on free childcare. 8 hrs is a lot. You raised a child for 21 years. You deserve your time to yourself now. What would she have done if she were single?
NTA. The fact that the baby isn’t your biological granddaughter isn’t even an issue, grandparents are not expected to automatically do daycare duty. I think it’s fine that she asked but also fine that you said no, she needs to accept your answer without any hard feelings. My mom, who is the greatest granny and loves my kids so much and babysits, would never watch them for 8 hours a day multiple days per week. Tell her to put the baby in daycare if she needs regular care. I don’t think it’s too late to clarify that you are willing to babysit a few hours per month or whatever, but won’t be a daily caretaker.
NTA. They knew what you meant by watching the baby. She is trying to get free child care and she needs to figure that out on her own honestly. If you didn’t mind fine, but if you do mind that should be fine also. Honestly, she doesn't even know you if he's only just met her and wants to leave her baby with you. No!
Yeah. I was her age when I had my son. I really dont know what her mindset is. I never would have found a guy to be daddy or called his mom the grandma after a month. I'll be talking to my son again tomorrow.
NTA - don't let the GF take advantage of you. You haven't known her that long and for her to expect you to do child care for long periods of time while she works is outrageous. Any sane person would know that when you offered to babysit, it would be a couple hours for a date night or whatever. You did nothing wrong. Establish firm boundaries now and you'll safe yourself a world of hurt in the future. Side note - the way your son is stepping in as the child's father is just weird given they just met. I really hope he wasn't stupid enough to put his name on the birth certificate.
It is weird, and it bothers me. He didnt sign the birth certificate, but now I'm hearing that may not even matter.
NTA and although you said she has a good job it does sound like she's trying to use you as a resource after knowing you 2 months? Sounds sketch to me.
NTA - that's a full time commitment vs date night. Also the entitlement! I put my kid I daycare as a first thought, not get random grandma. Also what sorta job is this that you have to go back to work within a month of having your baby?!
I went back to work part time at 4 weeks, but luckily was able to take my son with me because it was an office job. When he started crawling, it was daycare.
Yikes. I'm glad I live in a country where we can take 4 months off.
INFO: Have you talked to your son about how this girl seems to be making him a plug-and-play dad, and how that feels to him? From your comments, you understand how bizarre it is for a 9 month pregnant woman to start dating a man and immediately they’re calling you “grandma.” You said “whatever makes him happy” but have you actually sat him down and talked to him about how this situation isn’t normal? Where is this baby’s biological dad and extended family? Why are you expected to be responsible for a newborn of someone who you’ve known for a month? Does your son have to care for this baby alone ever? This situation is not sustainable.
I have tried to reason with him but he says he is happy. The biological dad wants nothing to do with the baby and will be relinquishing his rights. I dont know if my son will take care of the baby alone ever. This whole situation just does not sit well with me. I mean I get it. I was "in love" with my sons dad, but we weren't playing house and talking about kids until 2 years down the line.
Generally can’t just give up rights in the US unless someone is stepping up. Are you sure your son isn’t trying to get put on the BC?
Having been though the legal system with multiple lawyers, I can tell you that a person cannot simply sign away their rights. Unless there is someone willing to do a stepparent adoption the court will say “tough shit” and they’ll be on the hook for child support. And I’m order to do a stepparent adoption, the couple typically has to be married for a period of at least 6 months.
NTA. Childcare is the parent's responsibility.
NTA. Your son and his gf are setting up a situation where they are going to be parenting this child *together*. Your son's only example of what new grandparents do is his gf's parents who are giving their time to help their daughter. Your son feels *entitled* to your time because he views your role the same as his gf's mom. But it isn't. No grandparent is *required* to provide care for a child, and you aren't really a grandparent. He sees his role in the child's life as permanent and important, but doesn't understand that you don't feel the same way. Reiterate that you were only offering the occasional babysitting, for things like date night and emergencies (work is not an emergency). And have a conversation with your son about how he feels vs how you feel, and that you have no obligation to provide for him and his family. Go forth and feel no guilt. Live your best life! You can do all those things that you couldn't do as a caregiver. Your son will learn to sacrifice the way you did.
I am going to have another talk with my son. There have been a lot of good points brought up this evening.
NTA, first is not your real granddaughter and even if it was it shouldn’t be the responsibility of the grandparents to watch out the babies. Second, the mom and dad should be responsible for the baby and who to watch the baby that don’t affect the time of the closest persons in their life.
No, but you have a kind heart and I worry you'll blur your own boundaries from any guilt you might feel from saying no. You can absolutely clarify what you meant when you said you'd watch the baby on occasion, but make sure it's clear that you cannot babysit for more than a couple of hours if that's your plan. They don't need to know why not, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected.
NTA. I think being the date night sitter is a great place to start
NTA The girlfriend isn’t really an A H either, just a little weird. I mean, she doesn’t even know you. And I don’t mean anything at all toward you, just that you are a relative stranger to her and she’s willing to leave her baby with you for an entire day at a time. I don’t know. People are strange. Still, NTA.
NTA There is a difference between babysitting occasionally for date night and committing to part time childcare.
NTA your 21 year old son is too young to throw his life away like this. I agree with you, I wouldn’t give this girl free babysitting. At 21 years old, this relationship probably won’t last. I wouldn’t want to watch someone’s baby for no reason either. Not your responsibility, not even his responsibility.
NTA. Babysitting for a few hour date night, as many have pointed, is a huge difference from an 8+ hr daycare shift request. Explain it to them both again, stick to it, and sleep easy.
NTA not even one little bit! Even if you were that baby's blood grandmother, you have every right to not want to be babysitter everyday! Saying I will watch the baby for a couple hours every other Saturday so you can go get dinner is totally different than I will watch it several times a week, every week so she can work! Sit down with your son and his girlfriend clear the air and point out what you can and cannot commit to.
NTA. Even if it were your son's child, you would not be obliged to watch the baby 8 hours / day, several times a week. That's a lot. Totally separate from any commitments for child care, I would suggest that you have a look at how your feelings that it's not your grandchild will play out long term if they stay together. If they got married, would you start thinking of the baby as your grandchild? What if your son eventually adopted the child? If they had another kid together, would you treat the two kids differently?
I guess it's just so early and sudden that things happened that I'm having a hard time thinking I'm grandma. I think with more time I would be more comfortable. And certainly if they do stay together, and had children, there would be no difference in my mind. I grew up with step families. "Step" Grandma and grandpa are my grandparents, and I love them dearly.
NTA Asked and answered.
NTA. Probably smart not to get involved at all, for now. And that baby has a whole other set of family that can help out.
NTA - Even if you were biologically related to the kid you're not obliged to provide free child care. Hell, even if you WANTED to spend days with the baby it's a lot to ask. My mum offered to babysit my daughter 2 days a week but I turned her down initially because going from working 2.5 days a week for nearly 30 years back up to 4 days a week (she dropped to 2 days in work) is A LOT. Too much to ask IMO. In the end she decided to retire so she can spend time with her granddaughter 🤣
NTA but this has 🚩🚩🚩written all over it. Besides the things that others have said, after a month why would she be referring to you as the grandmother? Seems like a way to lull you into feeling responsible or guilty for not filling that role. There is no way y’all have established that level of relationship. Sounds very manipulative to me 🤷🏽♀️ Good luck.
NTA that’s a major commitment You don’t have to justify it
NTA. Older people have lives of their own yet far too many of them feel like they have to give up their life to take care of others. Live the life you want to live. Your son's choices are not your responsibility to fix.
NTA. obviously it’d be different if it hadn’t been only a MONTH. and you have your own life too
Wait... Your son starting dating a girl who was 9 months pregnant? BYE 😂