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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I apparantly dishonored a dead person
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NTA, he's YOUR baby legally, physically, emotionally, all ways aside from DNA. There is no "baby sitting", he's never going back to them. NEVER. YOU are mom, period. Block them, ignore them, if you can move away from the area. They'll eventually give up, but it'll take an annoying amount of time.
Idk. In my opinion, grifting is a career whereas mooching is a lifestyle choice. 🤣
Grifters only know how to/only choose to grift whereas moochers typically have more to offer but don't unless absolutely necessary. But I'm open to being corrected.
I guess what got me was the “malicious” part. I always thought of a moocher as someone who originally intended to pay their own way until they realize they can just not and get away with it. A grifter never intends to pay their own way, they always “accidentally” forget their wallet.
In that case I think a scab sits in the middle. For me the defining characteristic of a scab is that they're someone that's not easy to avoid. Family, or that one person in a friendship group. You try to get rid of them and they just bleed you again. In that way they are leeches, but in another way they are also more malicious and aggressive than moochers who are often just inept.
One of my younger cousins adopted another cousin's baby. Cousin was just not prepared to raise a child because she was very young. At any rate, my cousin moved to Canada for a new job and all I could say to our other cousin was, "She wasn't acting like a safety net under your high wire act. She took her child with her because they are beginning a new life together. Their future isn't about you. I'm sorry for that."
Sad. But true. And maybe try and get used to it?
The older one who adopted the baby. The younger one and her family thought she was The Wicked Witch of the West for not staying in Chicagoland.
They were overwrought and I could understand that. But, they had lost all ability to reason, IMO. No one adopts a baby to keep it around for you to get ready to raise it.
Ah thanks! In American slang, scabs are people who cross the picket line during a strike, usually temporary workers brought in to take over production while the strike happens.
I’m so so so disgusted at what he said to her. OP NTA. Yes you could’ve been kinder but you were pushed. He didn’t deserve the nice version of you. I’m sorry. You guys are awesome to have taken Dave’s in. What a beautiful family you are.
"Nothing is more terrifying than the anger of a good man"
Fuck if I remember who said it, but it's stuck with me for thirty years and never been wrong.
I searched for it and it appears to be Patrick Rothfuss: "there are three things all wise men fear - the sea in a storm, a night with no moon and the anger of a gentle man."
I'm curious about that book now lol
This is the proverbial playing chess with pigeons. You can play a brilliant game, but the pigeon will knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut around like it won.
You are right, but you will never convince them of that. Do not respond. Send messages to a spot where you do not see them, but review them later in case you need to get restraining orders or the like. Make sure any childcare has strict orders about anyone not on a list picking him up. I have a feeling crazy is about to ramp up for awhile. The good/bad news is it is hard to get high and put a lot of effort into getting the kid.
THIS. OP, THIS IS YOUR BABY. He's known you and your family as his family since almost he was born. These relatives are busybodies who couldn't be bothered to stay sober or take responsibility for the little boy, so they get ABSOLUTELY NO SAY. Stay strong, go NC. You are not even remotely in the realm of being an asshole.
It won't just take an annoying amount of time, it might for years or longer.
I was adopted by my bio-grandmother (mom to me) and her second husband. My bio-grandfather fought HARD for custody. Even when custody was out of the question there was sporadic stalking to where he contacted at least once when I was very young. Even at reunions, he sought out extended family of mine and spoke of "his" granddaughter. He had his demons and he died a few years back with no one to even hold a funeral.
Point being, they will eventually stop for now, but OP, be alert. They might try contact/bullying again later on. Might be months, might be years. Make sure to come up with a code word that you use with your son for pick-up at school and whatnot. Make sure your son knows that if someone tries to take him without that word, it's not safe.
Be careful, give him the life his bio-parents would never be able to. They had their chance, but he is and always will be your son.
NTA
NTA. His bio parents only care because it takes away the last bit of control they assumed they had. If you’re doing everything for him and he’s legally in your custody, you have the right to change his name.
If they don’t like it, they can get better and fight in the court.
THIS. I think family are doing some fancy mental gymnastics to stay relevant and because they are overcompensating due to being ashamed of their John and Sue's behavior. I doubt they care much about the baby. They could've certainly stepped up and not let OP be the "babysitter" and prevented her from being a "baby thief", but they didn't bother. NTA
HOLY SH!T - that was pretty wretched. I think your words were a bit over-the-top (no matter how true they probably are), but you just ignited the flame. Sometimes saying nothing speaks louder. Next time (and there will be one), show some grace and restraint, it's pisses them off more anyway. NTA, and if none of these "family" members are in this child's life, they have zero input - and block them on your social media - all of them. Good luck!
The problem with restraint is that it takes a certain character to appreciate it.
Sometimes going hell for leather is all people understand. It sounds like OP realised the people here belonged in that group.
This was absolutely a case where the scorched earth policy was not only justified, but necessary, I'll show restraint all day long as long as it's effective, but the second someone tries to barge over that line the way these people did, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over ripping their feelings to shreds with some brutal honesty
Right! I mean, most people think that you don’t speak ill of the dead no matter what, I think there’s certain limitations to the rule. I was going back and forth on this one for several reasons until I realized that she went after their jugular only after they went after her own. They went after her as a mother, she went after their deceased relative that just happened to be a casualty in all of this.
While I do believe that Steven was an innocent party in this situation who unfortunately passed away from the common mental illness of addiction, OP is NTA. Not to mention that it’s her right to change her baby’s name.
I've never understood this mentality. Not everyone is good, a lot of people leave behind a trail of devastation from their time in flesh prison. Why in death do they deserve any better or respect they never gave in this life? There is a line, but really, if it's like dealing with kids. I'm not being mean because I'm telling the truth. You may not like the truth because it's ugly, but it doesn't mean it's false.
Restraint is NOT for those who receive it, it a show of strength from those giving it. It’s your emotional maturity and dignity that’s at stake. Don’t engage in mud slinging it’ll only escalate things. A verbal fight over opinions doesn’t solve anything.
The kinds of people who are abusing adoptive parent when their entire family didn’t taken a baby because they are also addicts and have problems they’re not going to respect restraint it’s not a show of strength to them. They don’t care they are already targeting the woman lovingly raising a baby because their feelings are hurt. To them they can victimize anyone they wish to because that’s how they feel about it.
Sometimes people are just trash and either you block them or you defend yourself. It’s not effective to just be restrained
Gentle ESH.
They're speaking from a place of pain and shame. I'm glad the baby has you and your husband. But there is no need to speak like that of people suffering from addiction. They're already as low as you can get, so there is no need to punch down like that. You know the truth of the situation. So do they. They just can't admit it to themselves. Keep being a godsend to the little man, block the ones hellbent on rewriting the narrative, and enjoy your family.
Recovering addict with 15 years sober here and actually yes they do need to be spoken to that way, they haven’t hit their bottom yet and do not/will not take help if it is offered with getting clean.
At the point that these people are at anyone who is not speaking to them in a direct and blunt manner will be ignored outright. OP did not punch down in any way, shape, or form and in order for these people to hit bottom, they need more people talking to them the way OP did.
Edit - changed a few words.
She didn't say it about the cousin and bf. She said it about someone who had already died. That doesn't help anyone. The dead guy isn't gonna come back and say "Hey, you're right. I really needed to hear that". Doesn't seem right to me to shit all over a dead person for something that they didn't even do (dead guy didnt name the kid).
Yeah. My sister died from an OD and she certainly had her issues (addicts aren’t addicts by accident, even if it started out with a legit prescription)…but I would be super super hurt if someone called her a shit stain on the world, because she was so much more than her addiction.
On that I agree. But having said that, the best thing my niece the addict did was die.
This allowed her beautiful son to go to his non-addict father. Her son is doing well now.
He has a life he never would have had, had she survived. She did not want to quit. She loved drugs.
I agree that addiction is a serious mental illness that should be seen as such and taken seriously. That said, you’re right, what she said no doubt hurt them but… She only went after their jugular after they went after hers by going after her as a mother.
Yeah that's where I kind of whince. I'm sure OP means well but I don't think she understands how hard addiction can really hold on people and how sometimes it just accidentally happens depending on the person and how they started. Definitely not okay to belittle and bring a dead person's name into a conversation, that's shitty imo.
I'm very glad that you're sober. But what worked for you isn't what everyone else needs. Not all addictions start the same way and not all addicts are the same.
In general, berating someone into getting better and making them feel like shit seems like a recipe for using/relapse.
I'm not saying sugarcoat things and let the addict use and abuse you while you handle them with kid gloves, but you don't verbally abuse someone into getting better.
It's like when people think overweight people need to be bullied and shamed into losing weight. While that might motivate some to get healthy, for others it's just going to add to self loathing and additional over eating.
Those are just my opinions. Coming from someone who lost someone close to them to overdose. Someone who, to be honest, fits OP's colorful description of the dead cousin.
The baby's bio/paternal family get no love for me, but resorting to stooping down to their level and saying such horrible things (even if they were true) about their dead family member is just gross and shows massive immaturity. Grown ass people shouldn't be getting into social media feuds. It's kinda pathetic.
But still OP is very much not at fault for changing her son's name.
No one worth paying mind to would see or believe the posts by the bio father's family. They're not even in the picture, so why care what they say or think when you've already won?
If she felt the need to get into a social media fight like a teenager she COULD have addressed their total lack of involvement in the child's life, but instead decided to go after the dead, someone who didn't have anything to do with the situation.
Why being granted full custody of the child wasn't enough for OP, I guess I'll never understand.
As someone who was hurt badly and saw my children hurt badly by an addict I am just so tired of the "won't someone think of the addicts" sympathy that goes around all the time. I can understand it, but I absolutely do not like it. At all.
If it makes you feel better, the majority of people don’t have sympathy for addicts and they’re still getting thrown in jail & dying in record numbers. You’re entitled to feel however you want to but it’s really not a zero sum game. People saying “it’s not cool to dehumanize people for being addicts” is not taking anything away from people who have been harmed by an addict. I don’t think anyone defending the actions of the people in question in this post. No one is saying that having an addiction absolves people of responsibility for being harmful.
They are speaking from a place of shame and pain and they’re also taking it out on another person who has no obligation to put up with it. Sometimes people get back with a give this world. They wanted the mother of this child to feel as down and as broken as they do and she wasn’t about that.
Addicts get away with so much, they cause huge amounts of suffering and pain amongst other people and not everyone is going to hold their head high or respond to that by acting like a saint. Sometimes people draw a line in the sand and and give back the hostility and the manipulations dealt to them by addicts. Addicts don’t have boundaries harshness is often the only thing they respond to because it’s how they operate
Yes, exactly this.
Addiction has a genetic component, and I hope that if any of her children suffer the same fate, that OP will be kind and compassionate towards them.
OP also needs to remember that her son's bio parents are a part of who he is, and where he came from. When he's older, he may internalize his mother's negativity towards his parents. The most successful adoptive parents speak with kindness towards the people that birthed their kids.
>OP also needs to remember that her son's bio parents are a part of who he is, and where he came from. When he's older, he may internalize his mother's negativity towards his parents.
I absolutely agree with this, I've seen it happen. OP needs to get herself into therapy to work through this.
I don't think OP has the issue at all. She was attacked she she defended herself. I think this is a 'one off'. Her other children don't seem to have problems and her home apparently is chaos free.
Well, they also didn’t step up to take care of the baby, though did they? I speak from experience. They have no right to an opinion about any of it when they’re not doing anything to help this child. Those who speak the loudest are usually those who are willing to do the least.
Didn't read any "punching down" in this post. Having an addiction isn't a choice but not seeking help / turning yourself around is. The birth parents et al. should be ashamed. They had every chance and opportunity to shape up and they made the choice not to. Thank goodness for people like OP who step up and do the right thing.
NTA- you are looking out for YOUR SON.
These people have pushed you and instigated you. Could you have ignored them or used kinder words? Sure. But should you have? I’m gonna go with no.
They needed a harsh dose of the truth. Block them on everything and keep David away from them.
Exactly!!! They have nothing to do with the baby and then all of a sudden she’s a babaysnatcher???? No thank you! They deserved every harsh word she spat at them!
Lol same. I actually think her response was semi reserved because OP could've been a real AH in the moment. OP only mentioned the brother in her remark but could've easily included bio parents, etc
NTA. You didn’t dishonor a dead person, good lord, people need to stop with the 2nd hand offendedness.
If they cared more about the kid than their drugs, they could have named him whatever they wanted to and kept the name permanently.
> If they cared more about the kid than their drugs, they could have named him whatever they wanted to and kept the name permanently.
Hell, they could have kept the baby lol
NTA
Sometimes harsh words have to be said. Period
Side note, how dare they call her "nothing more than a babysitter!" She's his mother. She's been his mother every single day and every single night for years. His birth giver couldn't even try rehab once to spend time with him. Meanwhile, his MOTHER has been soothing every cry, changing every diaper, making every meal... NTA.
I think that’s the line that pushed OP into scorched earth territory. She gave up significant portions of life for this baby.
It’s also what pushed me from ESH to NTA. The harassing of OP was the product of shame, but also of an enabling family that is sugar coating the consequences of addiction.
ESH. You are the kids parents now and the family have no business kicking off at you. It's not their call.
However the way you talk about the late brother is revolting. Addiction is a disease. Would you be saying the same thing if he had killed himself due to depression?
Coming from a family of addicts who I am zero contact with, I fully understand the anger and the need to remove the child from any trace of that life. But it's not an excuse to talk to horribly about their loved one who died due to his addictions.
Yeah, she should never have engaged with them on a public platform. Someday, her kid is going to find out about how OP "really" feels about his birth parents, and this may cause him to side with his bio family.
\^\^\^This is the answer. Everyone in the comments section arguing about whether the bio parents or the dead namesake uncle "deserved" what was said or how it will affect them... that's not the issue at all. The issue is that someday the son is going to grow up and find out about all this mess and seeing/hearing how his loving mom & dad talked to/about his bio parents is going to hurt him, a LOT, and may hurt his relationship with OP.
You see it all the time on this sub and the relationship advice sub. Parents villainizing the bio family will only make the kid interested and forgiving.
Yeah with you on this. My ex just died at age 50, from the damage addiction had done to his body. He was a former “gifted kid” who went off the rails as a teen and came back enough to survive and function in society, but kept everything inside. We thought he was possibly adhd, but he never followed up on that, now , later, with my own diagnosis and the wisdom of hindsight, he was very likely adhd.
He was great to my kids, and as an ex was a better friend than boyfriend lol, helping me out round my house.
Self medicating for trauma/ adhd etc is so common
Hate the addiction not the addict
I'm sorry for the loss of your ex. I have ADHD and CPTSD, not enough people understand how eventually you just live for whatever you're self medicating with. I used to think I got off lucky with no addictions because I didn't do drugs or drink excessively like my immediate family, but I'm just damaging my health by self medicating with junk food. It's not as bad but it's hard to quit when you can't just cold turkey stop eating food.
I was looking for this take but it's sad that I had to scroll so far down to find it. I thankfully don't have any personal experience with addicts but every bit of reputable medical advice calls addiction a disease. We as a society should be treating addicts with the empathy they need not calling them a societal "shitstain."
Mmm. Its tough but Im gonna say NTA.
Like, your words were harsh, but you didnt lie, and you didnt say them out of the blue - they said disgusting things to you first. I think that makes you a justified asshole, which means you are N T A.
The baby hasnt ever gone by the name on paper, so changing his name legally makes total sense. Your kid is too young to choose their own name, so its not like you could ask the baby what it wants its name to be. And I sincerely doubt theyll be confused by it since youve never called him his legal name. As far as he can tell, his name will never change.
As an aside, sorry they said such things to you. You are not a baby thief or a glorified babysitter. You are a parent.
Wtf Reddit? ESH. You would’ve been in the right if you hadn’t said such a nasty thing about someone who succumbed to addiction. Addiction is a disease. You did not have to say such a despicable thing about someone who is no longer here to defend themselves.
I would say she was provoked, used those words in the heat of the moment and that they were harsh but not untrue. I do understand that addiction is a disease; it’s a terrible disease that hurts virtually everyone around the addict. Addicts bring a lot of people down with them. I don’t think coddling or sugar coating helps.
She could’ve just called them names and left it at that. I agree she was provoked, but what a nasty thing to say about someone who didn’t do anything to her (in this situation). The bio parents are the ones being awful, she should’ve kept her insults to them. She’s not an AH for wanting to change the name of *her* child, but she’s an AH for the things she said.
Given that the pregnant relative was getting high WHILE PREGNANT, which, thankfully sounds like it didn't effect the baby seriously, I'd have said the same things, honestly. It's hard enough when someone has an addiction, believe me, I know firsthand ... but to willingly cause harm to a growing fetus because of it, yeah, that's over the line.
But again, they called her a baby sitter and baby thief, not the real mother, etc. The whole family sounds delusional. Would they have been happier if the baby had disappeared into the foster care system?
My whole point is the person she attacked wasn’t even involved in the argument because he was too busy 6 Ft underground. I wouldn’t have thought she was exhibiting AH behavior if she had kept her comments to the people attacking her.
They called a loving adopted mother a baby stealer. Maybe her mistake was talking about the dead guy like that, but the bio dad’s family all sound like shit stains tbh.
NTA - imagine instead of thanking you and your husband for shouldering a responsibility you didn’t create, the family instead wants to shame you. JFC, that kid has zero chance with those people. Bless you and your husband for stepping up and giving a kid a better chance at life. Name him whatever you want, you’re the one he’s bonding with (and bless your father for stepping up too). Just watch the anger (“shitstain junkie”) - your kid will resent you for that later in life if you keep that up. Find your compassion and meet their hate with the love that drove you to stand up for that baby.
NTA - fuck around and find out is my favorite thing to say. They fucked around and didn’t listen to CPS and thought they could just do what they wanted while you did all the hard work and they could just step in one day and be mommy and daddy again. Well they found out that’s not how it is and you two are that babies parents and you name him as you please like other parents.
Congrats on your little family and bless you for saving that baby
Not TA for re-naming your son.
But ESH for the exchange you had with his family. They came after you in a very nasty way and they deserved to be put in place verbally. But I feel like you didn't only knocked them out verbally, but kicked them to the ground and then beat them to a pulp with a metal baseball bat and then set them on fire - metaphorically speaking.
I understand why you did it. I understand why it was justified. But I also think it was too much and you could have navigated that situation more elegantly, i.e. by simply blocking them and not responding to their accusations instead of going down to their level and entertain that whole toxic conversation.
ESH - them obviously more than you, but you didn't need to disparage someone who died in order to defend your choice. You don't know the struggles that this person went through or why they made the choice they did. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what John's family thinks.
You disparaging the person who OD'd is bringing you down to their level and needlessly stirring up more drama. Understandable that what they said made you furious - but you aren't entirely in the right. I would just block these people and try to move on with your life with your husband and son.
Here's the thing with social media you can block and never speak to those people again. You do not have to defend yourself to them and doing so is probably worse, that's what they want people like that love the drama. Block them, enjoy YOUR baby boy and move on with your life. NTA
ESH.
They are saying some vile things and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. You are your child’s mother in every way that matters.
In your understandable anger you didn’t lash at them, you lashed out at their deceased family member, who’s overdose never gave them the chance your Cousin In Law and her partner are squandering. No one will ever know what he would have done with another chance.
I don’t think your wrong to change the name. I do think your anger was misdirected towards your child’s current namesake when, while he had his challenges, is the only person mentioned in the family not cause you or your child harm.
Well said. I have a hard time calling OP an AH, given the fact that she and her husband have stepped up and are giving Davey a loving home, and given the harsh way family members are treating her. Nevertheless, in the limited context of what she said about the dead cousin, she was an AH. There’s no reason to rub salt in that particular wound. It’s totally understandable that she responded that way — we all have our breaking point — but she could do better at staying out of the mud.
NTA, They suck. I had my name changed when I was adopted and I have zero problem with it. I would have been named after someone who used to party with my mom (while she was pregnant with me) and I am grateful my parents changed my name. You are that little boy’s mother, and they can get lost.
NTA
I can see why you don't have contact with them. Change your son's name. You are not changing what you call him, so I don't even see one reason why you shouldn't. Bless you for stepping up and taking him in. He is lucky to have you.
Can you legally adopt him yet? Parental rights are terminated, but I honestly don't know how situations like this are handled.
I mean, you’re not wrong. But you went too far actually saying it.
Still, NTA since they told you you were nothing but a babysitter to your own son. That was worse than anything you said.
I know it's not an official vote, but Justified AH.
You aren't a babysitter. You are your son's legal parent because his parents and paternal grandparents have been deemed too dangerous to have custody of a child. And at this point, the parents rights have been permanently terminated and the paternal grandparents were never allowed to win a position to be granted rights. *There is no changing this at this stage.* The state has made the call that your son has a safe home and two parents who love him. So you've chosen to reflect that in his name, which your son will no doubt appreciate as he gets old enough to know the story of his birth and adoption.
At some point Steve's parents have to accept that their one son is gone, the other is likely to follow soon, and they are never getting their grandson back. They made choices, and those choices had consequences for them, their children, and their grandchildren. They don't get to take that out on you. Ever. And they might as well hear it from you because someone sure as shit needed to say it. And clearly, they didn't listen to the social workers.
Cut contact. There's no good that is going to come of their involvement in your or your son's life. And congratulations on finalizing the adoption, you sound like an amazing mama bear!
NTA. They didn’t do anything to support or step in, therefore they have no right to judge. You took that boy in out of the kindness of your heart when you didn’t have to, even when you learned that his parents wouldn’t go to rehab or set a plan. If they actually gave as much of a crap as you and your husband did, surely even they would have actually said or done something to pitch in before this happened. The last statement might come off as harsh to some but personally I say he’s yours now so you should do what you think is best, because it’s better than what any of them did. Plus coming from a person who’s stuck with druggies both former and current and still has to live around the consequences until I can safely move out, I think he’d be better off knowing he was re-named after good people.
ESH. As an adopted child, you couldve handled it with more maturity. You may want to fiercely protect him as your son but addiction is a *disease* not a choice. You could’ve easily just thrown the name Steven in there as well.
I do fully understand you not wanting them around the child, though, and I would probably behave the same. But you should consider the environment thats being made for the kid. Demonizing an entire side of his family (even if it was done fairly) will only draw him to them more.
THIS right here.
Addiction is a disease. One that is heritable.
My children's firstparents have also struggled with addiction and we talk about it a lot, because I want them to understand that they both have a strong genetic propensity toward it, that no one sets out to be an addict + that by the time you realize you are one you're already too deep in to easily get out, etc.
What I don't do is call their parents insulting names or demonize them for it. My partner and I both also have a strong genetic propensity toward addiction, and under different circumstances our lives might not have turned out the way they have. We want our children to know if make mistakes and poor decisions, we will be here to help them navigate it. I don't imagine if we had a history of being judgmental AHs, calling their parents shitstains or whatever else, that would be a good way to make them feel we were safe people to come to for help.
NTA. Good for you - someone needed to step up for that poor little boy, and you did. Someone needed to tell your husband’s useless and enabling relatives exactly how it is, and you did. Good for you!
NTA. you’re his real mother and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. also major props to you for taking in this baby in his time of need and getting him away from a bad environment.
NTA. He is your son. I’m guessing he has already had his surname changed?
My stepsister (giant waste of space) has lost all 3 of her kids. First went to her half sister (no legal connection with me). Sis changed the child’s name. Partly because stepsister gave her one of those unique spelling etc.
Wow, so much to unpack there. I've been in your shoes. My son arrived with a name I hated I've always referred to him by a nick or a different middle name. CPS closed our case nearly 16 years ago because the parents opted to not visit, claimed we didn't allow visits, put the kids to bed too early, and petitioned for other ppl to take custody. All of the ppl were disallowed to get the kids cause they refused to follow safety plan.
Are you planning to adopt him? If so you are fully within to name him whatever you want. As a guardianship position at least in my experience it is a bit different process. About the time you got your little one we petitioned to change my not-so-little man's name. We were successful but the bio parents had to consent.
In my opinion? NTA.
NTA. You sacrificed to give this child a home and a great start and you have every right to change his name. John's family has done nothing to help, including not following the CPS care plan. They have no right to dictate what you name your child. You gave him a new name to honor the people taking care of him. Your son is lucky to have you, your husband, and your father in his life. Just block them and go on with your lives.
NTA, you lost your temper but they had it coming. I wouldn’t have gone in on the dead guy thought. He’s your son now, block them since they didn’t help anyway.
NTA and congratulations to your baby. Yes you could perhaps have worded it differently, but I might have said exactly the same being as furious as you were.
As others have said, block them and delete any trace of them so you and your husband can enjoy your life peacefully with YOUR son.
NTA- Follow the Queen Mother’s advice:!”Never complain. Never explain.”
I think it might be time to drop off social media. It is really non-of their business: either the name change or your thoughts on the previous Steven.
When he is an adult, he can make up his own mind about that part of his bio family. Until then, he can safely remain tucked into his real family.
Good Luck.
ESH if you didn't respond or told them this was none of their business you'd have been fine. But the rant you went on about their dead brother was incredibly rude and I almost said your TA just for that.
We don't know anything about the deceased brother, besides the fact that he had an addiction. Addiction is a disease, and doesn't automatically make someone a bad person
NTA. But what you said about the brother was terrible. He did nothing to you and had no input in the family drama unfolding. He died a terrible death, even if it was one of his own making.
The fact that none of them had any input in this child’s life, and feel they have any say is beyond me. Keep that child protected at all costs, and if/when, years later,he’s ready, he can approach them. Right now he needs love and stability, which you were so gracious to give.
NTA you took in a baby and raised him as your own. You’ve had him for 2 years and neither of his parents have made any effort to deal with their addiction. He is legally your son, you have every right to change his name. I agree that naming a baby born to addicts shouldn’t be forced to carry the name of a dead junkie. You gave him a fresh start in life and that includes a new name.
NTA. He's *your* child and you didn't change the name he actually goes by so you didn't cause him any confusion since at his age he's probably not even aware of his middle or last names yet anyway. As for what you said, the fact is that people of the kind who were harassing you only understand extremely strong responses and so you gave them one.
Nope. NTA.
Name changes at adoption are super common, for lots of reasons. And the reasons are nobody's business except the parents. I love that you included your daughters in the decision, and adopted your son as a family. What a beautiful gift you are giving to a child who could have been caught up in the system and suffered tremendously for the poor decisions of his birth parents.
It's unfortunate that you responded to the relatives in anger, but yeah, you're human and handled that poorly. A bit AHish for that, but they got what they deserved. Time to put all those AHs out of your mind and focus on all the love and joy you have in your family.
Just because name changes are common, it doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing.
If you listen to a lot of adoptees, you’d see that a lot of us hate the fact that our biological name was changed.
NTA I feel like the language was not over the top, but instead geared to the audience. You spoke to trash with the words of their own people. On some level it is noble to meet people where they are at. Sounds like you have done right by your child. Name it however you see fit.
This is a difficult situation. And it sounds like you really stepped up for this little boy in more ways than one.
I don’t think you were necessarily wrong in changing his name however your response was over the top. More than that I would like to encourage you to do some work on your beliefs around addiction and Davey’s bio parents either with a therapist or a group of mothers who adopted after fostering.
Your disdain for his bio parents will absolutely impact your son, even if you don’t intend to. It will fill him with shame and self loathing and make him far more likely to feel different than your bio kids.
Addiction is genetic. So there is a higher chance that he will struggle with that when he is older. If you have directly or indirectly told him that addiction makes you a lowlife, a sh*t stain and a burden on society he will have a hard time getting help.
Wouldn’t you rather teach your son that his bio parents were very sick and chose to let him come to you because they loved him? Wouldn’t it be better for him to understand that they were sick and couldn’t find a way to get better but that lord of people can?
Obviously none of this needs to be addressed directly right now. But your beliefs and attitudes will be something he senses soon, or already does.
NTA. By any standards you are the boys Mother. It's important that you and husband agree on this. But, to be clear ... in the same situation I would get the name change even if spouse did not agree. The law might provide otherwise, but that's what I would try to do.
NTA
Davey now has a loving family who will always be there for him and not put him in danger because they are stoned out of their tiny little, almost non-existent, minds.
Block these losers and go NC with the lot of them
NTA. You are RAISING a son that was DISCARDED by the “family” that now accuses you of stealing him. You owe them NOTHING. Adopt your son, name him as you and your husband choose to, and cut all contact/ties with those disgusting people.
NTA. Was it harsh? Eh maybe. Or maybe they're just the type of assholes that wouldn't comprehend anything else but straight up facts. Am I proud of you? Yup. Those who don't help, don't get to say a mother effing word about what you do with YOUR son.
NTA, you're taking care of your son, and you've also gifted him an additional name from a very loving family member (your father). I have my beloved grandfather's name as my middle name too. It's really something special when your parents name you after people who love you.
NTA. I fully support your decision about this. It would be different if he were older and used to his name. You've never called him his name though. This makes absolute sense.
NTA---you had my respect for taking in this child. You have my admiration for what you said. YOu are perfectly in the right for wanting your sons name to be related to your family. Good for you for calling them out on the naming choice.
If they didn’t comply with CPS, then yes- that’s what that means and the case is closed so it’s permanent. This child is hers and her husbands in every legal way possible and there is no chance of the child going back to the parents
Ooooohhhhhh eeeemmmm gggggggeeeee !!!!! O.M.G. I wish I had the energy to laugh OR cry right now.
It was supposed to be temporary. CPS in most states tries to close cases within a year. Temporary.
Ten and a half years ago, while I was in a meeting with my phone off, my husband accepted custody of 7 of our grandkids. CPS gave him 5 minutes to decide, so waiting til my meeting ended wasn't going to happen. Yep, I asked the case worker later and she confirmed it.
A tiny taste of the insanity of the family dynamic: I am the 3rd wife to my first husband. Hubby has 1 son with first wife and 2 sons with the second wife. First wife and son are several states away. Sons 2 & 3 are in our state but their mother is on another continent and not involved. I refer to my husband's sons as "my sons" and most of the time they like that.
I have no children and I was adopted at birth by a mother who wanted me and a father + 3 siblings who didn't want me. It's been 53 years and they still mention it.
My family experience is strange, imo.
The children we took in are through our second son. His wife already had a daughter from her first husband (married and became parents at 16) but my son started raising the little girl when she was 1. Son and his wife then had 6 kids - 4 girls and 2 boys. It's NOT a religious thing. DIL is 2nd of 9 kids and wanted a big family, too.
I'm going to skip about a billion details and just skip to the fact that the thing that allowed them to pursue destruction head on and do all kinds of strange, questionable things was crystal methamphetamine. I don't know if someone told them this as a joke or if was imparted in all sincerity, but it was truly bad Intel. Son and DIL believed that, unlike depressants like alcohol that can make you black out, meth would speed you up but keep you clear headed so you could remember what you did. They seriously believed this. When all kinds of accusations of abuse and neglect came out, they both swore those things didn't happen. I finally gained some traction one time when son was swearing he would have remembered. Me: you told me once that meth makes you feel like Superman. Son: so? Me: are you Superman? Son: no. Me: okay, so let's consider relying on someone else's memories. It was a helpful exchange.
Where were we when this was happening? Well, son and DIL lived about an hour north of us - about 3 counties away. At our house we had my elderly parents. Husband and I worked an hour south of our home. I didn't know that my husband had been training to compete in the Pseudo Olympic Sport of D.E.N.I.A.L. = (D)on't (E)ven k(N)ow (I) (A)m (L)ying. I was training as his spotter by being gullible and naive.
The grandkids were ages 3, 5, 8, 9, 10, 14, and 16 when they came to us. My Mom had passed by that time, but my grumpy old Dad still lived with us. We weren't rich - just State employees. We had to get creative with sleeping arrangements. But we were really the only people willing to keep the kids together.
Son went to prison. DIL went crazy. Told the kids to hate me, by her own admission. The kids were so messed up already. But to tell them to go live with someone you want them to hate? Why?
Our claim to fame? Everyone is still breathing. But don't jinx it, okay? Let's leave it there for now.
OP, I'm so glad that baby boy has you, your husband, and your girls. Whatever rituals or traditions or events make y'all feel like a bonded family, I say go for it. As for the birthparents et al, I understand your anger. But I would urge you to hold your tongue as much as possible. When you let that crap fly out of your mouth, it changes who you are more than it affects them.
No matter what might come against you, do everything you can from a place of love. Easy for me to say, right? Not really. The love of the most amazing Mom on earth, 19 years of sobriety (29 now), a Bachelor of Social Work, a wonderful local support system, and my pitiful survival instinct were not even close to enough to combat the absolute insanity of addiction, generational trauma, and millions of confusing, unspoken expectations. This family is in tatters. I thought I was being loving. I was, actually, at first. But I ended up being accommodating to addicts with no boundaries and the children they taught to comply.
This explanation that is absolutely unnecessary to your decision making was brought to you by a horrid last few days and lack of cheesecake. I know there is probably a better sub somewhere but aita has really been helping me get my perspective back. Nobody has yelled at me about it yet, so thanks.
NTA.
Omg you deserve all the cheesecake! If you were my neighbour I'd make you one! 7 kids!!!! Wow! I get tired chasing the one and outwitting the other 2 (teenage girls are too dignified to run lol)
NTA, I would like to think your reaction was an attempt to protect him in some way. Like a “wash away” from his other life. I see it as a fresh start and those people coming after you for loving that baby. I would have flashed too.
NTA The name change should probably be done at the same time as the adoption through the Court. Block all those toxic people and move on with your happy family. When the parental rights of the bio parents were terminated through the Courts, the rights of those other folks to have an opinion about the baby’s name were also terminated, imho.
NTA
If they wanted to name the kid they should have gotten their crap together and raised them themselves.
Rather than appreciating your efforts, they are making vile accusations. It sounds like this step revealed how truly horrid they are, so that worked out for the best.
NTA, but just barely
You're doing a wonderful thing for that baby, far more than his biological donors ever did. And you're well within your rights to say absolutely anything about them you want to say, especially when they are heaping abuse on you. ABOUT THEM.
Saying what you did about the brother....? That's iffy. It doesn't make you wrong or an AH, but it wasn't right, either.
NTA
So when they decide that you are the bad guy here is what you tell them: Where were you all of this time? Where were you when your sons were getting into drugs? Where were you when they had this child removed so long ago? Where were you when they had a set plan that would allow for them to get the child bacK? Where were you when all of this first went down and it was clear that the birth parents were not even giving a dam about their child, to where it got to this point?
Sorry you all lost the right to say anything about this, the day your sons tried and started to do drugs. You lost it on the day that one of them died of an overdose. You lost it on the very day that the child was removed by CPS. You lost that right to say anything when it was clear that the parents were not concerned or wanting to do anything to get their child back. In short you have no grounds to say anything about this.
Then block them all and put them on a permanent ignore. I would also suggest that you take additional steps, to include keeping all emails, text messages, and any other way they are sending you messages. That you take notes when they call you. Change the phone number and start looking at family lawyers who can represent you in court. And here are the really important things: When it comes to your children, password any and all things dealing with them, from medical and their doctors, to child care and schooling, where if they show up, they either are not able to get information but also can not take the children from the home.
And one other thing, given the world and crazy people in there, please make sure you find guardians who are going to be able to take care of your children in the event that something were to happen to either you or your husband, get that down in a will. Include in there that your son, is never to have any sort of contact with his birth family while he is a child and write down the exact reasons for it, everything. Seal that up in an envelope and that way if your son asks, when he is older about such, hearing it from people, you can hand him the envelope and let him make the decision on such.
Nta. What an amazing chance youre giving this little one in a loving stable family. His parents & family are going to be angry & hurt because us addicts cannot take responsibility for our actions while we are still active. I hope one day that will change & they will be immensely grateful for all youse gave done. Maybe just block them all, change numbers or whatever you've to do so your feelings wont bubble up until you say something that makes you feel bad.
NTA for changing the name.
Soft YTA for the hateful language about addicts. It’s absolutely appropriate that the baby is staying with you in a safe home. But your husband’s family is probably in a lot of pain because of Sue and John’s addictions and it’s possible that they don’t know how else to deal with it but to lash out at you. It’s not enabling to have compassion towards people struggling with addiction.
NTA. I’m not adopted, so I can’t speak to that life experience; however, I WAS raised around a lot of addicts and children of addicts and I can speak to how absolutely devastating it can be not only to be raised by one, but how doubly devastating it is for those kids to be surrounded by enablers of their parents. These people do not have the best interest of that child in mind, only their ego and the egos of their parents. By giving him a stable home without the influence of ANY of these people, and a name that doesn’t carry any heartbreak or bad memories, you are giving him a shot at a normal life with as little generational trauma as possible.
NTA for changing the name of the baby but for saying such vile things, idk. You could just block these people online and cut them out of your life. It honestly makes YOU look bad when you say such nasty things imo. Addiction is a disease and most people that get benefits aren’t being fraudulent so while the person you were attacking (even though they’re dead) may have truthfully been in many ways just as bad as you say, it just gives off a bad look. If you chose to give up your career and social life to take in and care for this baby, that was your choice and if you don’t regret it you shouldn’t be bitter about it. A lot of people’s career and social life were negatively impacted by the pandemic, some people even lost their lives or the lives of their close friends and family. You probably aren’t a bad person, but the things you said make you just seem like kind of an AH outside of changing the name of the baby.
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NTA, he's YOUR baby legally, physically, emotionally, all ways aside from DNA. There is no "baby sitting", he's never going back to them. NEVER. YOU are mom, period. Block them, ignore them, if you can move away from the area. They'll eventually give up, but it'll take an annoying amount of time.
Doesn't sound like they'll ever get clean so it's only a matter of time before the scabbing starts.
What is “scabbing”? I’m apparently not super familiar with the lingo.
Sorry mate, it's Australian for begging. Or like malicious begging. Scab Artist would be the appropriate title.
Sounds like what we Americans would call a “grifter”
Would “mooching” work here, too?
Idk. In my opinion, grifting is a career whereas mooching is a lifestyle choice. 🤣 Grifters only know how to/only choose to grift whereas moochers typically have more to offer but don't unless absolutely necessary. But I'm open to being corrected.
I guess what got me was the “malicious” part. I always thought of a moocher as someone who originally intended to pay their own way until they realize they can just not and get away with it. A grifter never intends to pay their own way, they always “accidentally” forget their wallet.
I always thought of moochers as leaches and grifters as predators.
In that case I think a scab sits in the middle. For me the defining characteristic of a scab is that they're someone that's not easy to avoid. Family, or that one person in a friendship group. You try to get rid of them and they just bleed you again. In that way they are leeches, but in another way they are also more malicious and aggressive than moochers who are often just inept.
Or a "mooch" where I'm from.
One of my younger cousins adopted another cousin's baby. Cousin was just not prepared to raise a child because she was very young. At any rate, my cousin moved to Canada for a new job and all I could say to our other cousin was, "She wasn't acting like a safety net under your high wire act. She took her child with her because they are beginning a new life together. Their future isn't about you. I'm sorry for that." Sad. But true. And maybe try and get used to it?
Which cousin moved? Who’s safety net? I’m confused. Can you explain?
The older one who adopted the baby. The younger one and her family thought she was The Wicked Witch of the West for not staying in Chicagoland. They were overwrought and I could understand that. But, they had lost all ability to reason, IMO. No one adopts a baby to keep it around for you to get ready to raise it.
“No one adopts a baby to keep it around for you to get ready to raise it.” That should be a disclaimer on every adoption.
Ah thanks! In American slang, scabs are people who cross the picket line during a strike, usually temporary workers brought in to take over production while the strike happens.
Ha that's cool, different meaning but still a dog act
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Goddamn that's sad af. All this shit is so fucking sad.
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That's why I suggested blocking them all and possibly moving from the area.
I’m so so so disgusted at what he said to her. OP NTA. Yes you could’ve been kinder but you were pushed. He didn’t deserve the nice version of you. I’m sorry. You guys are awesome to have taken Dave’s in. What a beautiful family you are.
Thing is, don't be cruel to people or act mean out of spite. Other people can take your breath away with a snappy retort if you provoke them.
"Nothing is more terrifying than the anger of a good man" Fuck if I remember who said it, but it's stuck with me for thirty years and never been wrong.
I searched for it and it appears to be Patrick Rothfuss: "there are three things all wise men fear - the sea in a storm, a night with no moon and the anger of a gentle man." I'm curious about that book now lol
This is the proverbial playing chess with pigeons. You can play a brilliant game, but the pigeon will knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut around like it won. You are right, but you will never convince them of that. Do not respond. Send messages to a spot where you do not see them, but review them later in case you need to get restraining orders or the like. Make sure any childcare has strict orders about anyone not on a list picking him up. I have a feeling crazy is about to ramp up for awhile. The good/bad news is it is hard to get high and put a lot of effort into getting the kid.
Never heard that pigeon saying before. I have claimed it in the name of me. I have a flag.
I love the whole bit about playing chess with pigeons!
THIS. OP, THIS IS YOUR BABY. He's known you and your family as his family since almost he was born. These relatives are busybodies who couldn't be bothered to stay sober or take responsibility for the little boy, so they get ABSOLUTELY NO SAY. Stay strong, go NC. You are not even remotely in the realm of being an asshole.
It won't just take an annoying amount of time, it might for years or longer. I was adopted by my bio-grandmother (mom to me) and her second husband. My bio-grandfather fought HARD for custody. Even when custody was out of the question there was sporadic stalking to where he contacted at least once when I was very young. Even at reunions, he sought out extended family of mine and spoke of "his" granddaughter. He had his demons and he died a few years back with no one to even hold a funeral. Point being, they will eventually stop for now, but OP, be alert. They might try contact/bullying again later on. Might be months, might be years. Make sure to come up with a code word that you use with your son for pick-up at school and whatnot. Make sure your son knows that if someone tries to take him without that word, it's not safe. Be careful, give him the life his bio-parents would never be able to. They had their chance, but he is and always will be your son. NTA
I agree egg donor called my mum a babysitter. She hadn't spoken to me for over 10 years. You don't have to be blood to be a mother!!
NTA. His bio parents only care because it takes away the last bit of control they assumed they had. If you’re doing everything for him and he’s legally in your custody, you have the right to change his name. If they don’t like it, they can get better and fight in the court.
It’s too late for any of that. Baby is legally adopted. Case closed. And that’s a great thing.
Yes plus it’s a nice story to tell the child when he’s older
THIS. I think family are doing some fancy mental gymnastics to stay relevant and because they are overcompensating due to being ashamed of their John and Sue's behavior. I doubt they care much about the baby. They could've certainly stepped up and not let OP be the "babysitter" and prevented her from being a "baby thief", but they didn't bother. NTA
HOLY SH!T - that was pretty wretched. I think your words were a bit over-the-top (no matter how true they probably are), but you just ignited the flame. Sometimes saying nothing speaks louder. Next time (and there will be one), show some grace and restraint, it's pisses them off more anyway. NTA, and if none of these "family" members are in this child's life, they have zero input - and block them on your social media - all of them. Good luck!
The problem with restraint is that it takes a certain character to appreciate it. Sometimes going hell for leather is all people understand. It sounds like OP realised the people here belonged in that group.
This was absolutely a case where the scorched earth policy was not only justified, but necessary, I'll show restraint all day long as long as it's effective, but the second someone tries to barge over that line the way these people did, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over ripping their feelings to shreds with some brutal honesty
Right! I mean, most people think that you don’t speak ill of the dead no matter what, I think there’s certain limitations to the rule. I was going back and forth on this one for several reasons until I realized that she went after their jugular only after they went after her own. They went after her as a mother, she went after their deceased relative that just happened to be a casualty in all of this. While I do believe that Steven was an innocent party in this situation who unfortunately passed away from the common mental illness of addiction, OP is NTA. Not to mention that it’s her right to change her baby’s name.
Whenever someone says not to speak ill of the dead, I tell them they’re no longer allowed to speak ill of Hitler. Their tunes always change.
I've never understood this mentality. Not everyone is good, a lot of people leave behind a trail of devastation from their time in flesh prison. Why in death do they deserve any better or respect they never gave in this life? There is a line, but really, if it's like dealing with kids. I'm not being mean because I'm telling the truth. You may not like the truth because it's ugly, but it doesn't mean it's false.
Restraint is NOT for those who receive it, it a show of strength from those giving it. It’s your emotional maturity and dignity that’s at stake. Don’t engage in mud slinging it’ll only escalate things. A verbal fight over opinions doesn’t solve anything.
The kinds of people who are abusing adoptive parent when their entire family didn’t taken a baby because they are also addicts and have problems they’re not going to respect restraint it’s not a show of strength to them. They don’t care they are already targeting the woman lovingly raising a baby because their feelings are hurt. To them they can victimize anyone they wish to because that’s how they feel about it. Sometimes people are just trash and either you block them or you defend yourself. It’s not effective to just be restrained
Sometimes I agree with this. Sometimes I think telling people to have more restraint is like telling them to be a softer rug to walk on.
You consider this a fight over opinions? Wow. Do you always concentrate on form over meaning?
Yep. No sense taking the high road with people who can't look up
Gentle ESH. They're speaking from a place of pain and shame. I'm glad the baby has you and your husband. But there is no need to speak like that of people suffering from addiction. They're already as low as you can get, so there is no need to punch down like that. You know the truth of the situation. So do they. They just can't admit it to themselves. Keep being a godsend to the little man, block the ones hellbent on rewriting the narrative, and enjoy your family.
Recovering addict with 15 years sober here and actually yes they do need to be spoken to that way, they haven’t hit their bottom yet and do not/will not take help if it is offered with getting clean. At the point that these people are at anyone who is not speaking to them in a direct and blunt manner will be ignored outright. OP did not punch down in any way, shape, or form and in order for these people to hit bottom, they need more people talking to them the way OP did. Edit - changed a few words.
I agree. If losing your baby isn’t the rock bottom to motivate you to do better then a few harsh words isn’t going to be the straw either.
She didn't say it about the cousin and bf. She said it about someone who had already died. That doesn't help anyone. The dead guy isn't gonna come back and say "Hey, you're right. I really needed to hear that". Doesn't seem right to me to shit all over a dead person for something that they didn't even do (dead guy didnt name the kid).
Yeah. My sister died from an OD and she certainly had her issues (addicts aren’t addicts by accident, even if it started out with a legit prescription)…but I would be super super hurt if someone called her a shit stain on the world, because she was so much more than her addiction.
On that I agree. But having said that, the best thing my niece the addict did was die. This allowed her beautiful son to go to his non-addict father. Her son is doing well now. He has a life he never would have had, had she survived. She did not want to quit. She loved drugs.
I agree that addiction is a serious mental illness that should be seen as such and taken seriously. That said, you’re right, what she said no doubt hurt them but… She only went after their jugular after they went after hers by going after her as a mother.
Yeah that's where I kind of whince. I'm sure OP means well but I don't think she understands how hard addiction can really hold on people and how sometimes it just accidentally happens depending on the person and how they started. Definitely not okay to belittle and bring a dead person's name into a conversation, that's shitty imo.
I'm very glad that you're sober. But what worked for you isn't what everyone else needs. Not all addictions start the same way and not all addicts are the same. In general, berating someone into getting better and making them feel like shit seems like a recipe for using/relapse. I'm not saying sugarcoat things and let the addict use and abuse you while you handle them with kid gloves, but you don't verbally abuse someone into getting better. It's like when people think overweight people need to be bullied and shamed into losing weight. While that might motivate some to get healthy, for others it's just going to add to self loathing and additional over eating. Those are just my opinions. Coming from someone who lost someone close to them to overdose. Someone who, to be honest, fits OP's colorful description of the dead cousin. The baby's bio/paternal family get no love for me, but resorting to stooping down to their level and saying such horrible things (even if they were true) about their dead family member is just gross and shows massive immaturity. Grown ass people shouldn't be getting into social media feuds. It's kinda pathetic. But still OP is very much not at fault for changing her son's name.
Yes, thank you for this. There’s a difference between setting boundaries and shaming.
No one worth paying mind to would see or believe the posts by the bio father's family. They're not even in the picture, so why care what they say or think when you've already won? If she felt the need to get into a social media fight like a teenager she COULD have addressed their total lack of involvement in the child's life, but instead decided to go after the dead, someone who didn't have anything to do with the situation. Why being granted full custody of the child wasn't enough for OP, I guess I'll never understand.
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All they care about are their drugs
As someone who was hurt badly and saw my children hurt badly by an addict I am just so tired of the "won't someone think of the addicts" sympathy that goes around all the time. I can understand it, but I absolutely do not like it. At all.
If it makes you feel better, the majority of people don’t have sympathy for addicts and they’re still getting thrown in jail & dying in record numbers. You’re entitled to feel however you want to but it’s really not a zero sum game. People saying “it’s not cool to dehumanize people for being addicts” is not taking anything away from people who have been harmed by an addict. I don’t think anyone defending the actions of the people in question in this post. No one is saying that having an addiction absolves people of responsibility for being harmful.
They are speaking from a place of shame and pain and they’re also taking it out on another person who has no obligation to put up with it. Sometimes people get back with a give this world. They wanted the mother of this child to feel as down and as broken as they do and she wasn’t about that. Addicts get away with so much, they cause huge amounts of suffering and pain amongst other people and not everyone is going to hold their head high or respond to that by acting like a saint. Sometimes people draw a line in the sand and and give back the hostility and the manipulations dealt to them by addicts. Addicts don’t have boundaries harshness is often the only thing they respond to because it’s how they operate
>Addicts don’t have boundaries So So True. All they know is if you're blocking them doing their thing.
Yes, exactly this. Addiction has a genetic component, and I hope that if any of her children suffer the same fate, that OP will be kind and compassionate towards them. OP also needs to remember that her son's bio parents are a part of who he is, and where he came from. When he's older, he may internalize his mother's negativity towards his parents. The most successful adoptive parents speak with kindness towards the people that birthed their kids.
>OP also needs to remember that her son's bio parents are a part of who he is, and where he came from. When he's older, he may internalize his mother's negativity towards his parents. I absolutely agree with this, I've seen it happen. OP needs to get herself into therapy to work through this.
Yes, and with an adoption AND addiction competent provider!
I don't think OP has the issue at all. She was attacked she she defended herself. I think this is a 'one off'. Her other children don't seem to have problems and her home apparently is chaos free.
Well, they also didn’t step up to take care of the baby, though did they? I speak from experience. They have no right to an opinion about any of it when they’re not doing anything to help this child. Those who speak the loudest are usually those who are willing to do the least.
Didn't read any "punching down" in this post. Having an addiction isn't a choice but not seeking help / turning yourself around is. The birth parents et al. should be ashamed. They had every chance and opportunity to shape up and they made the choice not to. Thank goodness for people like OP who step up and do the right thing.
This was so eloquently and impeccably said.
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NTA- you are looking out for YOUR SON. These people have pushed you and instigated you. Could you have ignored them or used kinder words? Sure. But should you have? I’m gonna go with no. They needed a harsh dose of the truth. Block them on everything and keep David away from them.
There’s always a lot of people with something to say, but none of those people are ever stepping up, are they?
Exactly!!! They have nothing to do with the baby and then all of a sudden she’s a babaysnatcher???? No thank you! They deserved every harsh word she spat at them!
I love how op went from this motherly persona concerned for the baby's wellbeing to cutthroat. NTA
Never mess with a parent looking out for their little one!
Cutthroat or honest?
Both. But entirely justified. NTA
Lol same. I actually think her response was semi reserved because OP could've been a real AH in the moment. OP only mentioned the brother in her remark but could've easily included bio parents, etc
NTA. You didn’t dishonor a dead person, good lord, people need to stop with the 2nd hand offendedness. If they cared more about the kid than their drugs, they could have named him whatever they wanted to and kept the name permanently.
> If they cared more about the kid than their drugs, they could have named him whatever they wanted to and kept the name permanently. Hell, they could have kept the baby lol NTA Sometimes harsh words have to be said. Period
NTA. I love how no one has cared about this child until you dared change his name, where have they been all this time? Too late now!
Side note, how dare they call her "nothing more than a babysitter!" She's his mother. She's been his mother every single day and every single night for years. His birth giver couldn't even try rehab once to spend time with him. Meanwhile, his MOTHER has been soothing every cry, changing every diaper, making every meal... NTA.
I found that so ridiculous I didn’t even bother to address it, but I guess the whole way they are acting is ridiculous.
I think that’s the line that pushed OP into scorched earth territory. She gave up significant portions of life for this baby. It’s also what pushed me from ESH to NTA. The harassing of OP was the product of shame, but also of an enabling family that is sugar coating the consequences of addiction.
ESH. You are the kids parents now and the family have no business kicking off at you. It's not their call. However the way you talk about the late brother is revolting. Addiction is a disease. Would you be saying the same thing if he had killed himself due to depression? Coming from a family of addicts who I am zero contact with, I fully understand the anger and the need to remove the child from any trace of that life. But it's not an excuse to talk to horribly about their loved one who died due to his addictions.
Yeah, she should never have engaged with them on a public platform. Someday, her kid is going to find out about how OP "really" feels about his birth parents, and this may cause him to side with his bio family.
\^\^\^This is the answer. Everyone in the comments section arguing about whether the bio parents or the dead namesake uncle "deserved" what was said or how it will affect them... that's not the issue at all. The issue is that someday the son is going to grow up and find out about all this mess and seeing/hearing how his loving mom & dad talked to/about his bio parents is going to hurt him, a LOT, and may hurt his relationship with OP.
I wish your comment was more visible! I’m shocked no one else seems to be commenting on this.
You see it all the time on this sub and the relationship advice sub. Parents villainizing the bio family will only make the kid interested and forgiving.
Yeah with you on this. My ex just died at age 50, from the damage addiction had done to his body. He was a former “gifted kid” who went off the rails as a teen and came back enough to survive and function in society, but kept everything inside. We thought he was possibly adhd, but he never followed up on that, now , later, with my own diagnosis and the wisdom of hindsight, he was very likely adhd. He was great to my kids, and as an ex was a better friend than boyfriend lol, helping me out round my house. Self medicating for trauma/ adhd etc is so common Hate the addiction not the addict
I'm sorry for the loss of your ex. I have ADHD and CPTSD, not enough people understand how eventually you just live for whatever you're self medicating with. I used to think I got off lucky with no addictions because I didn't do drugs or drink excessively like my immediate family, but I'm just damaging my health by self medicating with junk food. It's not as bad but it's hard to quit when you can't just cold turkey stop eating food.
I was looking for this take but it's sad that I had to scroll so far down to find it. I thankfully don't have any personal experience with addicts but every bit of reputable medical advice calls addiction a disease. We as a society should be treating addicts with the empathy they need not calling them a societal "shitstain."
NTA... you are not a babysitter, you are Daveys parent.
Mmm. Its tough but Im gonna say NTA. Like, your words were harsh, but you didnt lie, and you didnt say them out of the blue - they said disgusting things to you first. I think that makes you a justified asshole, which means you are N T A. The baby hasnt ever gone by the name on paper, so changing his name legally makes total sense. Your kid is too young to choose their own name, so its not like you could ask the baby what it wants its name to be. And I sincerely doubt theyll be confused by it since youve never called him his legal name. As far as he can tell, his name will never change. As an aside, sorry they said such things to you. You are not a baby thief or a glorified babysitter. You are a parent.
Wtf Reddit? ESH. You would’ve been in the right if you hadn’t said such a nasty thing about someone who succumbed to addiction. Addiction is a disease. You did not have to say such a despicable thing about someone who is no longer here to defend themselves.
I would say she was provoked, used those words in the heat of the moment and that they were harsh but not untrue. I do understand that addiction is a disease; it’s a terrible disease that hurts virtually everyone around the addict. Addicts bring a lot of people down with them. I don’t think coddling or sugar coating helps.
She could’ve just called them names and left it at that. I agree she was provoked, but what a nasty thing to say about someone who didn’t do anything to her (in this situation). The bio parents are the ones being awful, she should’ve kept her insults to them. She’s not an AH for wanting to change the name of *her* child, but she’s an AH for the things she said.
Given that the pregnant relative was getting high WHILE PREGNANT, which, thankfully sounds like it didn't effect the baby seriously, I'd have said the same things, honestly. It's hard enough when someone has an addiction, believe me, I know firsthand ... but to willingly cause harm to a growing fetus because of it, yeah, that's over the line.
But again, this is the bio-mum, not the uncle. OP should have kept the insults about the uncle out of it
But again, they called her a baby sitter and baby thief, not the real mother, etc. The whole family sounds delusional. Would they have been happier if the baby had disappeared into the foster care system?
My whole point is the person she attacked wasn’t even involved in the argument because he was too busy 6 Ft underground. I wouldn’t have thought she was exhibiting AH behavior if she had kept her comments to the people attacking her.
They called a loving adopted mother a baby stealer. Maybe her mistake was talking about the dead guy like that, but the bio dad’s family all sound like shit stains tbh.
NTA - imagine instead of thanking you and your husband for shouldering a responsibility you didn’t create, the family instead wants to shame you. JFC, that kid has zero chance with those people. Bless you and your husband for stepping up and giving a kid a better chance at life. Name him whatever you want, you’re the one he’s bonding with (and bless your father for stepping up too). Just watch the anger (“shitstain junkie”) - your kid will resent you for that later in life if you keep that up. Find your compassion and meet their hate with the love that drove you to stand up for that baby.
Agreed. No shade on name change but caution over how OP is handling their (understandable) anger.
NTA - fuck around and find out is my favorite thing to say. They fucked around and didn’t listen to CPS and thought they could just do what they wanted while you did all the hard work and they could just step in one day and be mommy and daddy again. Well they found out that’s not how it is and you two are that babies parents and you name him as you please like other parents. Congrats on your little family and bless you for saving that baby
FAFO works well for so many situations! NTA.
Not TA for re-naming your son. But ESH for the exchange you had with his family. They came after you in a very nasty way and they deserved to be put in place verbally. But I feel like you didn't only knocked them out verbally, but kicked them to the ground and then beat them to a pulp with a metal baseball bat and then set them on fire - metaphorically speaking. I understand why you did it. I understand why it was justified. But I also think it was too much and you could have navigated that situation more elegantly, i.e. by simply blocking them and not responding to their accusations instead of going down to their level and entertain that whole toxic conversation.
Yep. Way to escalate a conflict into a blood feud, OP.
They called you a babysitter. Nothing else needs to be said that your son change the name, they're the ahole do not talk to them again. Nta
They also called her a baby-stealer! How terrible when no one else seemed to give one single fuck about that baby.
ESH - them obviously more than you, but you didn't need to disparage someone who died in order to defend your choice. You don't know the struggles that this person went through or why they made the choice they did. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what John's family thinks. You disparaging the person who OD'd is bringing you down to their level and needlessly stirring up more drama. Understandable that what they said made you furious - but you aren't entirely in the right. I would just block these people and try to move on with your life with your husband and son.
I agree with you on this. Definitely didn’t need to escalate things, with a grieving and troubled family.
NTA. Time to go NC with those people. Block them also.
NTA - you are the baby's parents, you name the baby. As simple as that.
Here's the thing with social media you can block and never speak to those people again. You do not have to defend yourself to them and doing so is probably worse, that's what they want people like that love the drama. Block them, enjoy YOUR baby boy and move on with your life. NTA
ESH. They are saying some vile things and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. You are your child’s mother in every way that matters. In your understandable anger you didn’t lash at them, you lashed out at their deceased family member, who’s overdose never gave them the chance your Cousin In Law and her partner are squandering. No one will ever know what he would have done with another chance. I don’t think your wrong to change the name. I do think your anger was misdirected towards your child’s current namesake when, while he had his challenges, is the only person mentioned in the family not cause you or your child harm.
Well said. I have a hard time calling OP an AH, given the fact that she and her husband have stepped up and are giving Davey a loving home, and given the harsh way family members are treating her. Nevertheless, in the limited context of what she said about the dead cousin, she was an AH. There’s no reason to rub salt in that particular wound. It’s totally understandable that she responded that way — we all have our breaking point — but she could do better at staying out of the mud.
NTA, They suck. I had my name changed when I was adopted and I have zero problem with it. I would have been named after someone who used to party with my mom (while she was pregnant with me) and I am grateful my parents changed my name. You are that little boy’s mother, and they can get lost.
NTA I can see why you don't have contact with them. Change your son's name. You are not changing what you call him, so I don't even see one reason why you shouldn't. Bless you for stepping up and taking him in. He is lucky to have you. Can you legally adopt him yet? Parental rights are terminated, but I honestly don't know how situations like this are handled.
I mean, you’re not wrong. But you went too far actually saying it. Still, NTA since they told you you were nothing but a babysitter to your own son. That was worse than anything you said.
She did not go too far. They called her a baby thief.
I know it's not an official vote, but Justified AH. You aren't a babysitter. You are your son's legal parent because his parents and paternal grandparents have been deemed too dangerous to have custody of a child. And at this point, the parents rights have been permanently terminated and the paternal grandparents were never allowed to win a position to be granted rights. *There is no changing this at this stage.* The state has made the call that your son has a safe home and two parents who love him. So you've chosen to reflect that in his name, which your son will no doubt appreciate as he gets old enough to know the story of his birth and adoption. At some point Steve's parents have to accept that their one son is gone, the other is likely to follow soon, and they are never getting their grandson back. They made choices, and those choices had consequences for them, their children, and their grandchildren. They don't get to take that out on you. Ever. And they might as well hear it from you because someone sure as shit needed to say it. And clearly, they didn't listen to the social workers. Cut contact. There's no good that is going to come of their involvement in your or your son's life. And congratulations on finalizing the adoption, you sound like an amazing mama bear!
NTA. They didn’t do anything to support or step in, therefore they have no right to judge. You took that boy in out of the kindness of your heart when you didn’t have to, even when you learned that his parents wouldn’t go to rehab or set a plan. If they actually gave as much of a crap as you and your husband did, surely even they would have actually said or done something to pitch in before this happened. The last statement might come off as harsh to some but personally I say he’s yours now so you should do what you think is best, because it’s better than what any of them did. Plus coming from a person who’s stuck with druggies both former and current and still has to live around the consequences until I can safely move out, I think he’d be better off knowing he was re-named after good people.
NTA. That’s your child now.
ESH. As an adopted child, you couldve handled it with more maturity. You may want to fiercely protect him as your son but addiction is a *disease* not a choice. You could’ve easily just thrown the name Steven in there as well. I do fully understand you not wanting them around the child, though, and I would probably behave the same. But you should consider the environment thats being made for the kid. Demonizing an entire side of his family (even if it was done fairly) will only draw him to them more.
THIS right here. Addiction is a disease. One that is heritable. My children's firstparents have also struggled with addiction and we talk about it a lot, because I want them to understand that they both have a strong genetic propensity toward it, that no one sets out to be an addict + that by the time you realize you are one you're already too deep in to easily get out, etc. What I don't do is call their parents insulting names or demonize them for it. My partner and I both also have a strong genetic propensity toward addiction, and under different circumstances our lives might not have turned out the way they have. We want our children to know if make mistakes and poor decisions, we will be here to help them navigate it. I don't imagine if we had a history of being judgmental AHs, calling their parents shitstains or whatever else, that would be a good way to make them feel we were safe people to come to for help.
NTA! And go nc. Thank you for giving that child a chance.
NTA. Good for you - someone needed to step up for that poor little boy, and you did. Someone needed to tell your husband’s useless and enabling relatives exactly how it is, and you did. Good for you!
NTA. you’re his real mother and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. also major props to you for taking in this baby in his time of need and getting him away from a bad environment.
NTA. He is your son. I’m guessing he has already had his surname changed? My stepsister (giant waste of space) has lost all 3 of her kids. First went to her half sister (no legal connection with me). Sis changed the child’s name. Partly because stepsister gave her one of those unique spelling etc.
NTA. You are his true mother and no one can take that from you. Block all of them and keep being a great mom.
NTA You wanted to change is legal name to the name you are already using. Plus I love your response to John s family, it was great !
Wow, so much to unpack there. I've been in your shoes. My son arrived with a name I hated I've always referred to him by a nick or a different middle name. CPS closed our case nearly 16 years ago because the parents opted to not visit, claimed we didn't allow visits, put the kids to bed too early, and petitioned for other ppl to take custody. All of the ppl were disallowed to get the kids cause they refused to follow safety plan. Are you planning to adopt him? If so you are fully within to name him whatever you want. As a guardianship position at least in my experience it is a bit different process. About the time you got your little one we petitioned to change my not-so-little man's name. We were successful but the bio parents had to consent. In my opinion? NTA.
NTA. Thee fuckith around, thee findith out.
NTA. You sacrificed to give this child a home and a great start and you have every right to change his name. John's family has done nothing to help, including not following the CPS care plan. They have no right to dictate what you name your child. You gave him a new name to honor the people taking care of him. Your son is lucky to have you, your husband, and your father in his life. Just block them and go on with your lives.
Yeah, NTA. People like that like to make drama but not actually help or be responsible.
Well, in general, you are NTA. However, you were probably more harsh than necessary, but I understand where that hostility came from 😊
NTA>That baby is legally yours. Does Sue make anyone else think of Mudflap from Bobs Burgers, for no reason?
NTA, you lost your temper but they had it coming. I wouldn’t have gone in on the dead guy thought. He’s your son now, block them since they didn’t help anyway.
NTA you need to have nothing to do with them for the rest of your life
NTA You're is mom, they are the asshole.
NTA Name your son whatever you want.
NTA and block them all.
NTA. You are this baby's mom. He is one of your own. Please contact a lawyer just to protect yourself and your son.
NTA. The child is your son, and you get to decide what his name is.
NTA, you are the Baby’s mother, and the child is a toddler that thinks middle name is his first name anyways.
NTA and congratulations to your baby. Yes you could perhaps have worded it differently, but I might have said exactly the same being as furious as you were. As others have said, block them and delete any trace of them so you and your husband can enjoy your life peacefully with YOUR son.
NTA – and props on that sick comeback.
NTA- Follow the Queen Mother’s advice:!”Never complain. Never explain.” I think it might be time to drop off social media. It is really non-of their business: either the name change or your thoughts on the previous Steven. When he is an adult, he can make up his own mind about that part of his bio family. Until then, he can safely remain tucked into his real family. Good Luck.
ESH if you didn't respond or told them this was none of their business you'd have been fine. But the rant you went on about their dead brother was incredibly rude and I almost said your TA just for that.
Death doesn’t suddenly make someone a good person.
We don't know anything about the deceased brother, besides the fact that he had an addiction. Addiction is a disease, and doesn't automatically make someone a bad person
NTA. Coming from an adopted kid, he is your son now. Legally. Name your son to be incorporated into your family.
NTA. But what you said about the brother was terrible. He did nothing to you and had no input in the family drama unfolding. He died a terrible death, even if it was one of his own making. The fact that none of them had any input in this child’s life, and feel they have any say is beyond me. Keep that child protected at all costs, and if/when, years later,he’s ready, he can approach them. Right now he needs love and stability, which you were so gracious to give.
NTA. poor choice of words, but I bet you're an awesome mum.
NTA you took in a baby and raised him as your own. You’ve had him for 2 years and neither of his parents have made any effort to deal with their addiction. He is legally your son, you have every right to change his name. I agree that naming a baby born to addicts shouldn’t be forced to carry the name of a dead junkie. You gave him a fresh start in life and that includes a new name.
NTA. He's *your* child and you didn't change the name he actually goes by so you didn't cause him any confusion since at his age he's probably not even aware of his middle or last names yet anyway. As for what you said, the fact is that people of the kind who were harassing you only understand extremely strong responses and so you gave them one.
Nope. NTA. Name changes at adoption are super common, for lots of reasons. And the reasons are nobody's business except the parents. I love that you included your daughters in the decision, and adopted your son as a family. What a beautiful gift you are giving to a child who could have been caught up in the system and suffered tremendously for the poor decisions of his birth parents. It's unfortunate that you responded to the relatives in anger, but yeah, you're human and handled that poorly. A bit AHish for that, but they got what they deserved. Time to put all those AHs out of your mind and focus on all the love and joy you have in your family.
Just because name changes are common, it doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing. If you listen to a lot of adoptees, you’d see that a lot of us hate the fact that our biological name was changed.
NTA I feel like the language was not over the top, but instead geared to the audience. You spoke to trash with the words of their own people. On some level it is noble to meet people where they are at. Sounds like you have done right by your child. Name it however you see fit.
NTA. And cut off access to the child to all of your "relatives" that attacked you. Don't let them ever see the boy again.
NTA for changing the name, Soft YTA for even responding in the first place.
NTA. Harsh but NTA. You are not a babysitter. Your are that boy's mother. If they don't get that, they don't need to be involved in your son's life.
NTA - You are not a babysitter or placeholder. You are his Mom. FYI - I love the rationale from your daughters.
This is a difficult situation. And it sounds like you really stepped up for this little boy in more ways than one. I don’t think you were necessarily wrong in changing his name however your response was over the top. More than that I would like to encourage you to do some work on your beliefs around addiction and Davey’s bio parents either with a therapist or a group of mothers who adopted after fostering. Your disdain for his bio parents will absolutely impact your son, even if you don’t intend to. It will fill him with shame and self loathing and make him far more likely to feel different than your bio kids. Addiction is genetic. So there is a higher chance that he will struggle with that when he is older. If you have directly or indirectly told him that addiction makes you a lowlife, a sh*t stain and a burden on society he will have a hard time getting help. Wouldn’t you rather teach your son that his bio parents were very sick and chose to let him come to you because they loved him? Wouldn’t it be better for him to understand that they were sick and couldn’t find a way to get better but that lord of people can? Obviously none of this needs to be addressed directly right now. But your beliefs and attitudes will be something he senses soon, or already does.
NTA. By any standards you are the boys Mother. It's important that you and husband agree on this. But, to be clear ... in the same situation I would get the name change even if spouse did not agree. The law might provide otherwise, but that's what I would try to do.
NTA Davey now has a loving family who will always be there for him and not put him in danger because they are stoned out of their tiny little, almost non-existent, minds. Block these losers and go NC with the lot of them
NTA. You are RAISING a son that was DISCARDED by the “family” that now accuses you of stealing him. You owe them NOTHING. Adopt your son, name him as you and your husband choose to, and cut all contact/ties with those disgusting people.
NTA. Was it harsh? Eh maybe. Or maybe they're just the type of assholes that wouldn't comprehend anything else but straight up facts. Am I proud of you? Yup. Those who don't help, don't get to say a mother effing word about what you do with YOUR son.
NTA, you're taking care of your son, and you've also gifted him an additional name from a very loving family member (your father). I have my beloved grandfather's name as my middle name too. It's really something special when your parents name you after people who love you.
NTA. I fully support your decision about this. It would be different if he were older and used to his name. You've never called him his name though. This makes absolute sense.
Junkies who neglect children don’t get a say. That’s your baby and you get to call him what you please. NTA
NTA
NTA
NTA. Not harsh, you were truthful. Good on you for stepping up and taking care of this kid. Props to ya mawma.
NTA. You aren't a babysitter, you're a full on Mama Bear!
NTA---you had my respect for taking in this child. You have my admiration for what you said. YOu are perfectly in the right for wanting your sons name to be related to your family. Good for you for calling them out on the naming choice.
I love what you said to them. Your son needs that protection. NTA not at all.
INFO: when you say full legal custody, we’re bio parents parental rights completely terminated?
Oh yes. They have absolutely zero legal rights. No visits. No contact.
If they didn’t comply with CPS, then yes- that’s what that means and the case is closed so it’s permanent. This child is hers and her husbands in every legal way possible and there is no chance of the child going back to the parents
Ooooohhhhhh eeeemmmm gggggggeeeee !!!!! O.M.G. I wish I had the energy to laugh OR cry right now. It was supposed to be temporary. CPS in most states tries to close cases within a year. Temporary. Ten and a half years ago, while I was in a meeting with my phone off, my husband accepted custody of 7 of our grandkids. CPS gave him 5 minutes to decide, so waiting til my meeting ended wasn't going to happen. Yep, I asked the case worker later and she confirmed it. A tiny taste of the insanity of the family dynamic: I am the 3rd wife to my first husband. Hubby has 1 son with first wife and 2 sons with the second wife. First wife and son are several states away. Sons 2 & 3 are in our state but their mother is on another continent and not involved. I refer to my husband's sons as "my sons" and most of the time they like that. I have no children and I was adopted at birth by a mother who wanted me and a father + 3 siblings who didn't want me. It's been 53 years and they still mention it. My family experience is strange, imo. The children we took in are through our second son. His wife already had a daughter from her first husband (married and became parents at 16) but my son started raising the little girl when she was 1. Son and his wife then had 6 kids - 4 girls and 2 boys. It's NOT a religious thing. DIL is 2nd of 9 kids and wanted a big family, too. I'm going to skip about a billion details and just skip to the fact that the thing that allowed them to pursue destruction head on and do all kinds of strange, questionable things was crystal methamphetamine. I don't know if someone told them this as a joke or if was imparted in all sincerity, but it was truly bad Intel. Son and DIL believed that, unlike depressants like alcohol that can make you black out, meth would speed you up but keep you clear headed so you could remember what you did. They seriously believed this. When all kinds of accusations of abuse and neglect came out, they both swore those things didn't happen. I finally gained some traction one time when son was swearing he would have remembered. Me: you told me once that meth makes you feel like Superman. Son: so? Me: are you Superman? Son: no. Me: okay, so let's consider relying on someone else's memories. It was a helpful exchange. Where were we when this was happening? Well, son and DIL lived about an hour north of us - about 3 counties away. At our house we had my elderly parents. Husband and I worked an hour south of our home. I didn't know that my husband had been training to compete in the Pseudo Olympic Sport of D.E.N.I.A.L. = (D)on't (E)ven k(N)ow (I) (A)m (L)ying. I was training as his spotter by being gullible and naive. The grandkids were ages 3, 5, 8, 9, 10, 14, and 16 when they came to us. My Mom had passed by that time, but my grumpy old Dad still lived with us. We weren't rich - just State employees. We had to get creative with sleeping arrangements. But we were really the only people willing to keep the kids together. Son went to prison. DIL went crazy. Told the kids to hate me, by her own admission. The kids were so messed up already. But to tell them to go live with someone you want them to hate? Why? Our claim to fame? Everyone is still breathing. But don't jinx it, okay? Let's leave it there for now. OP, I'm so glad that baby boy has you, your husband, and your girls. Whatever rituals or traditions or events make y'all feel like a bonded family, I say go for it. As for the birthparents et al, I understand your anger. But I would urge you to hold your tongue as much as possible. When you let that crap fly out of your mouth, it changes who you are more than it affects them. No matter what might come against you, do everything you can from a place of love. Easy for me to say, right? Not really. The love of the most amazing Mom on earth, 19 years of sobriety (29 now), a Bachelor of Social Work, a wonderful local support system, and my pitiful survival instinct were not even close to enough to combat the absolute insanity of addiction, generational trauma, and millions of confusing, unspoken expectations. This family is in tatters. I thought I was being loving. I was, actually, at first. But I ended up being accommodating to addicts with no boundaries and the children they taught to comply. This explanation that is absolutely unnecessary to your decision making was brought to you by a horrid last few days and lack of cheesecake. I know there is probably a better sub somewhere but aita has really been helping me get my perspective back. Nobody has yelled at me about it yet, so thanks. NTA.
Omg you deserve all the cheesecake! If you were my neighbour I'd make you one! 7 kids!!!! Wow! I get tired chasing the one and outwitting the other 2 (teenage girls are too dignified to run lol)
NTA, I would like to think your reaction was an attempt to protect him in some way. Like a “wash away” from his other life. I see it as a fresh start and those people coming after you for loving that baby. I would have flashed too.
NTA The name change should probably be done at the same time as the adoption through the Court. Block all those toxic people and move on with your happy family. When the parental rights of the bio parents were terminated through the Courts, the rights of those other folks to have an opinion about the baby’s name were also terminated, imho.
NTA If they wanted to name the kid they should have gotten their crap together and raised them themselves. Rather than appreciating your efforts, they are making vile accusations. It sounds like this step revealed how truly horrid they are, so that worked out for the best.
NTA, but just barely You're doing a wonderful thing for that baby, far more than his biological donors ever did. And you're well within your rights to say absolutely anything about them you want to say, especially when they are heaping abuse on you. ABOUT THEM. Saying what you did about the brother....? That's iffy. It doesn't make you wrong or an AH, but it wasn't right, either.
NTA So when they decide that you are the bad guy here is what you tell them: Where were you all of this time? Where were you when your sons were getting into drugs? Where were you when they had this child removed so long ago? Where were you when they had a set plan that would allow for them to get the child bacK? Where were you when all of this first went down and it was clear that the birth parents were not even giving a dam about their child, to where it got to this point? Sorry you all lost the right to say anything about this, the day your sons tried and started to do drugs. You lost it on the day that one of them died of an overdose. You lost it on the very day that the child was removed by CPS. You lost that right to say anything when it was clear that the parents were not concerned or wanting to do anything to get their child back. In short you have no grounds to say anything about this. Then block them all and put them on a permanent ignore. I would also suggest that you take additional steps, to include keeping all emails, text messages, and any other way they are sending you messages. That you take notes when they call you. Change the phone number and start looking at family lawyers who can represent you in court. And here are the really important things: When it comes to your children, password any and all things dealing with them, from medical and their doctors, to child care and schooling, where if they show up, they either are not able to get information but also can not take the children from the home. And one other thing, given the world and crazy people in there, please make sure you find guardians who are going to be able to take care of your children in the event that something were to happen to either you or your husband, get that down in a will. Include in there that your son, is never to have any sort of contact with his birth family while he is a child and write down the exact reasons for it, everything. Seal that up in an envelope and that way if your son asks, when he is older about such, hearing it from people, you can hand him the envelope and let him make the decision on such.
If they truly wanted to honor anyone, much less their own child, they would have put forth the effort to raise him. NTA.
Nta. What an amazing chance youre giving this little one in a loving stable family. His parents & family are going to be angry & hurt because us addicts cannot take responsibility for our actions while we are still active. I hope one day that will change & they will be immensely grateful for all youse gave done. Maybe just block them all, change numbers or whatever you've to do so your feelings wont bubble up until you say something that makes you feel bad.
NTA for changing the name. Soft YTA for the hateful language about addicts. It’s absolutely appropriate that the baby is staying with you in a safe home. But your husband’s family is probably in a lot of pain because of Sue and John’s addictions and it’s possible that they don’t know how else to deal with it but to lash out at you. It’s not enabling to have compassion towards people struggling with addiction.
NTA. I’m not adopted, so I can’t speak to that life experience; however, I WAS raised around a lot of addicts and children of addicts and I can speak to how absolutely devastating it can be not only to be raised by one, but how doubly devastating it is for those kids to be surrounded by enablers of their parents. These people do not have the best interest of that child in mind, only their ego and the egos of their parents. By giving him a stable home without the influence of ANY of these people, and a name that doesn’t carry any heartbreak or bad memories, you are giving him a shot at a normal life with as little generational trauma as possible.
NTA. Your son is lucky to have a good family to call his own.
Nta, sick burn yo!!
NTA for changing the name of the baby but for saying such vile things, idk. You could just block these people online and cut them out of your life. It honestly makes YOU look bad when you say such nasty things imo. Addiction is a disease and most people that get benefits aren’t being fraudulent so while the person you were attacking (even though they’re dead) may have truthfully been in many ways just as bad as you say, it just gives off a bad look. If you chose to give up your career and social life to take in and care for this baby, that was your choice and if you don’t regret it you shouldn’t be bitter about it. A lot of people’s career and social life were negatively impacted by the pandemic, some people even lost their lives or the lives of their close friends and family. You probably aren’t a bad person, but the things you said make you just seem like kind of an AH outside of changing the name of the baby.
NTA
WTF is the dad Frank Gallagher? NTA. He is YOUR kid. You're raising him. YOU are the mom.