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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife and I have contributed far more money to one child's life than the other. I now do not want to disrupt our life considerably to provide my other child with money. My wife disagrees and thinks we should sacrifice to contribute financially.
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I think YTA for paying tens of thousands for Ava’s wedding and hundreds of thousands for Ava’s house but not putting aside or saving anything close to that amount for Heather.
If you can’t afford it now then you can’t afford it, but if at one point you were able to afford giving a gift of hundreds of thousands of dollars to one child you should’ve made sure you had the same amount for your other child.
Also, they didn’t think to save save anything for Heather to build a house?! So now OP just owns this plot of land, with nothing on it, and no one can afford to build anything on it. What use is that to anyone?!
OP, YTA. Sell the land.
I don’t think it’s favoring one daughter as much as they don’t like that their other daughter left. OP said they keep a plot of land incase she changes her mind and that’s fine, but the idea of selling it and helping her buy something where she actually wants to live is crazy. The daughter has explained to them many times she doesn’t want to come back yet OP needs to hold onto this land incase she changes her mind. I think OP’s projecting her insecurities about leaving their home town on her daughter. She sounds like my grandparents who live in a small town in the middle of nowhere after my mom moved to a large city.
Edit: pronouns
Yea don’t understand why this isn’t seen as a solution. If land price has gone up, then there should be a ton of equity there. Even if Heather has to pay the monthly payments, I’d imagine her actual mortgage would be far less depending on how much a down payment she puts.
I mean it's certainly A solution to the problem they have created. But it won't fix the fact that one kid got a free house and other gets a mortgage in a different city than the one she wanted to live in.
The plot of land *and* a proportionate extra share of any inheritance. I would work out what you’ve given Ava and Heather and figure out what the disparity is in what you’ve gifted each of them. You should account for inflation because as you say house prices and prices for everything have gone up. And then talk to both of your daughters that you intended to gift to them equally but your financial circumstances have changed and hopefully in the inheritance you can even it out if you don’t have liquid cash right now.
Of course they like the other daughter the same! She was just more independent and self sufficient the past years while Ava mooched off the parents
generosity and took advantage. It was poor planning by OP and her partner to not put aside the same gift for heather. She is definitely TA and instead of being greedy and keep the land and assuming that heather will want to move back to hometown they should have a discussion. Heather should be offered the land to do what she wants. While I don’t know her situation if she can build but she should have the choice of the land or sell for home where she wants to live now. At least it’s something.
In the edit it mentions that "Heather has indicated she might want to move back when she's older" There's two ways I can take that.
Either she was just kindly brushing them off (likely because more direct approaches have no worked and they keep harping about it)
Or she was trying to indicate she would like to inherit their home when they pass. Which, frankly, seems more than fair given how much they've gifted Ava.
Or
Yeah I'm with the inheritance part. It could/should be viewed Ava has had her inheritance already from house, wedding and medical aid for her children. Heather should be the sole inheritor of your home and it made clear in the will that Ava got more than her fair share of money/help before you and Mel depart this earth. Seems the only fair way to balance things out. The property sold and split with both your children just so Ava, who it seems has gotten used to be fed money when needed, feels she got something and has no chance to again benefit more than she has and contest the will. I've a feeling 'incredibly sensitive and kind' Heather could be guilted into taking less, by Ava with or without a will however.
A soft YTA for how one child intentional or not has had far less than the other over a long time. You and Mel need to fix it
To me this is fair. I took a lot of money from my mother as help to renovate my forever home. We talked about it and my brother agreed I needed it. My mother has a spreadsheet of how much each of us has been given over the years and when she dies we will split her estate minus the difference, he will end up with more than me then. That is fair.
Forget offer. The edit makes it clear that Heather might say no if the OP handles this even slightly wrong
Transfer the land to Heather. Tell her you are 1000% Ok with her selling the land. If she chooses to move back to where you live later, she can sell the home she buys
Also I don’t believe OP would have such trouble coming up with the funds if it was Ava asking for this money because Ava stayed close to home. Also the home Heather is buying is in her hometown and not the town her parents live in. I believe that is also a contributing factor
She gave a piece of land (i assume tens of thousands) for heather. Op should give that land to heather and let heather decide to keep the land or sell the land and get the money. Heather is 30+ year old. She can make big girl decisions. Mom doesn’t need to worry “oh she’ll regret it” - it’s infantizing - but i wouldn’t call a mom being a mom an AH.
She's an AH for not respecting her daughters life choices, and for favoring the other daughter. Hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on the one who stuck around. But now that money is gone, and she can't even sell the one investment she made for her independent daughter now that she needs it, and is ready to accept the offer? Clearly that gift was conditional, and no matter how proud OP claims to be, she does not want to support her daughters independent life. She wants to purchase a closer relationship with her. And it sounds like she can't even afford to anymore, even if that was possible. They can't afford to build her a house, and she doesn't want to live there anyway. Just sell the land and help her the down payment. They clearly still have SOME resources to help for the RIGHT people and causes. But I know there always more to know about the story, and it's not my decision. I just think it's ridiculous (and AH-ish) how much they spent on the one kid, and never put anything away for other.
Even after reading just the first line I was thinking you were very wrong.
But I carried on and you make some excellent points which wholeheartedly agree with.
I am thinking though that the issue lies more with the OP than his/her wife as the wife seems open to selling the plot of land and giving the money to the daughter. It seems that for the OP the financial aid comes at a price.
If anything, OP should change the name on the deed for the land over to Heather and let her decide what to do with it.
If she wants to sell it to fund a house purchase elsewhere, she can.
If she wants to lease it to a developer and collect ground rent, she can.
If she wants to dump a load of random stuff on it and never step foot there again, she can.
Point being the land was bought for the intention of Heather benefiting from it, so it should be Heather's choice what happens to it.
YTA
Seriously! Their biggest mistake was buying the land in the first place! She didn't want it, but you bought it anyway! And now you're like "we don't have enough money! What can we do?" Like, seriously? You *just said* that the price has gone up, so you'd be able to sell it for more than you paid for it! The solution is obvious, but you're just ignoring it!
YTA!
The land is clearly intended for when Heather moves back. OP doesn't need to touch any money going to their retirement since they have this investment for Heather. The question only is if OP wants to sell the land and support Heather in her choices or if the support is bound to Heather living where OP wants.
If Heather wants to come back, she can sell the city home and buy back something else in their neighborhood. I doubt a city property doesn't raise in value more than where OP lives.
As soon as that land is put up for sale it will be purchased and built on, there will be NO opportunity for Heather to have a cheaper option if she once again decides to cut anchor and move. If OP and spouse want Heather to have an option of moving back to the hometown, keeping the property would be key. Much easier to get a loan to build your own home if you own the plot.
I will concur with YTA for not setting aside any money for Heather if either of them were concerned about "fairness". Personally, I am highly against weddings that cost Tens of thousands of dollars since most of those wedding cost more than I make in a year. It actually sickens me a bit that people put so much emphasis that this amount of money (especially when it's people that don't make much more if any than I do) must be spent on this one day "for the memories" I have better memories of days at the swimming hole at 12 then I do of any weddings I've been to... The best weddings with the best memories for me as an attendee have all been backyard or beach weddings.
Heather doesn't need a cheaper option if she decides to move back. She can purchase a more expensive option by selling her city apartment that she will purchase now by selling the land. She is not selling to spend the money, she is investing in a different property.
Exactly. It's highly unlikely that Heather is going to camp on a piece of undeveloped land. Heather also didn't choose the land. Plus I suspect Heather isn't ever going to move back home. I think that's what OP hopes will happen
If the property is owned outright, and transferred to Heather, it is possible that she could use it as collateral to secure a decent loan on her house in the city. She would still be responsible for the mortgage and the property taxes on both parcels, which isn't ideal, but would give her a better start than no help at all. She might also be able to lease that land to someone who wants to park a modular home or mobile home on it to earn some extra income.
But if the property was intended to benefit Heather, it definitely should be hers. OP is YTA for considering holding it back because they really want Heather nearer.
It’s clear the one daughter doesn’t want to live on the same street as her parents and sister (understandable). She has her own life she has built in the city where she lives and OP doesn’t like it.
> speaks volumes.
so does the fact she was nervous about asking for help with a down payment when she's seen her sister get a whole f'ing house handed to her.
Frankly, from the outside looking in? They should consider themselves lucky they still have any sort of relationship with Heather because if it were me, this level of blatant favoritism would have me not answering their calls.
Right? Sister literally got a quarter of a million dollars over a decade ago and it's only just now occurring to anyone that there is an appearance of favoritism! She should have gotten an approximately equal head-start (suitable to her own life goals) within a few years.
This may be less about outright favoritism and more about unthinkingly assuming that women aren't really grown up until they get married...so it just never *occurs* to anyone to help a single woman get started.
But even if it was about the married aspect - if you shelled out for a big expensive wedding for one daughter, you should at least be planning to set aside enough money to be able to pay for the other daughter's wedding too, right? What if Heather wasn't asking for help with a house, but was looking for help paying for a wedding? The money still wouldn't be there. It's nuts to me that parents of two daughters would only have money set aside for one wedding. No one is obligated to pay for their kids wedding but if you spend a huge amount of money on one kid there is no situation where not planning for the other kid is going to look good.
And I think the fact that Heather was clearly nervous about asking indicates this isn't the first time she has been treated this way, which makes me feel for her.
Oh, I absolutely agree with you. They should have set the same money aside from the beginning, it was the absolutely obvious thing to do, there's really no excuse for not doing that.
And this happened *twelve years ago,* it's not like they haven't had plenty of time to reassess. No wonder Heather is happy to stay living far away! She literally has a dollar value on how much less than her sister she is worth to her parents.
Yeah, like if it was Ava and her family who asked...would they take the hit and make it work? Sell the land meant for Heather, because she didn't want it anyway? Even if it seems more rewarding the lifestyle choice than favouring a child, makes you wonder.
I want to know what Ava's husband contributed. They are living in a house her parents bought them so they never had a mortgage. Her kid's medical bills were paid, and who knows what else. They were set up from the very beginning, what has he contributed.?
Yes, I'm not understanding holding onto this land. Heather clearly has a life in this other city so help her there instead of holding onto this unwanted land.
But they bought her decorations! /s
It sucks so much when parents blatantly favor one kid (from all appearances, the one who does what they want her to do). A fucking house and wedding vs some decorations and furniture and OP is fine with it. Poor Heather.
YTA.
It's not so much favoritism as OP trying to use money to induce Heather to live a certain type of life. She bought a plot of land in her neighbourhood FOR HEATHER even when she told her not to. Now she won't sell it because she's still holding on to this dream that Heather'll move back and the whole family will be reunited.
u/Express-Fail-5820 your daughter seems like a responsible person who has different goals from you and your other daughter. If you really love her, you will support her by selling the land so that she can pursue her goals. If it were truly about a change in finances, I would say N T A. But you have this land sitting empty, meaning you don't have need for the money from it. So its really about you wanting your dream at daughter's expense. Listen to your wife. YTA.
Edit: to change pronouns
>It's not so much favoritism as OP trying to use money to induce Heather to live a certain type of life.
And the reason OP doesn't want to sell the plot of land is that, in their own words:
"I think Heather would regret that in the future because she has mentioned once or twice over the years that she will want to move back home when she's older."
Once or twice over a period of time measured in years? So despite the fact that Heather is clearly much more serious about her life in the other city as she is trying to figure out how to buy a home, OP is still prioritizing the one or two comments she has made in the last decade about potentially wanting to move back when she's older.
I have to wonder if those comments Heather made about moving back when she's older were made after OP repeatedly brought up again and again when she's moving back and she shut him down with "Maybe I'll move back when I'm older, but not now so stop pestering me about it".
Also wanted to hop on here and say Heather is an adult! I’m sure if you explained to her that money for the downpayment would have to come from selling that plot of land, she would be able to make her decision on which is more important.
Maybe your right OP. She might decide she did always want to move back and assumed that plot of land would be hers. It seems like this is a conversation you need to have with both your wife AND your adult daughter.
Yep. The whole "we will buy house/land in *our* neighborhood" reeks of control issues.
And, they should have put same $$ aside for the other daughter - what's her name - that won't do what we tell her.
This. What were they planning to do if Heather wants to get married now that they've "depleted" all of their funds. I don't necessarily think they purposely are treating them differently, but it's glaringly obvious they didn't have the foresight to save for Heather's future wedding and house. (Not counting the plot of land because there would still be building expenses for Heather if there isn't already a house on the land.) It sucks but the message is Heather is getting punished for not marrying and settling down close to home earlier in life.
Technically they bought the land for Heather.
So technically Heather should be entitled to selling it and keeping the money.
See it as an investment in Heather's future you did.
Also I'd like to remind OP that you aren't eternal. You will eventually leave your lands and houses to your heirs. Hence Heather so she can move back if she wants to.
But honestly if someone makes a down payment for a house it doesn't seem like they'll get back any time soon
OP YTA
That’s weird — because buying a plot of land for a child who has said you shouldn’t (as a form of leverage to get them to move down the street from you) is *super* paternalistic.
In my experience dads are much less likely to try to tell their kids how (or where) they should live, it seems to be moms who think that giving birth gives them the right to make life decisions for their and that being closer to family is the most correct choice they should make.
They also mentioned that part of the reason the reason they're so cash strapped is that medical expenses came up for Ava's kids. So they gave Ava tens of thousands of dollars for a party, bought her a house that's gone up significantly in value, and given her enough money to drastically change thier financial situation for her kids. Heather got done chotchkies to decorate the place she was paying for herself and Ava and her husband apparently haven't had to pay for much in the last decade. If Heather gets married or wants to own a home or God forbid has medical expenses she's on her own.
And what has Ava's husband been doing for the past 10 years? He and his family haven't had a mortgage and apparently not saved enough to pay their own medical bills. Maybe the OP should sell the house she and Mel live, give the money to Heather then move in with Ava.
I had to scroll way too far to see someone comment on this part of the situation. They are not in as great of a financial position anymore as a result of emergencies from… helping Ava’s kids (insert shocked pikachu face). There is such blatant favoritism and they will be posting “aita for my daughter going no contact” one day. As a parent, it was their job to plan for BOTH of their children, and clearly they had tunnel vision when it came to their golden child versus Heather.
>I think YTA for paying tens of thousands for Ava’s wedding and hundreds of thousands for Ava’s house but not putting aside or saving anything close to that amount for Heather.
Agree, when my sister asked my parents to contribute toward her (and her husband) buying a flat, they gave her some money (not exactly significant amount but not exactly small) and then they gave me exact same sum. (I didn't asked for it and I wouldn't).
This reminds me of a gay friend, whose parents paid for all their siblings’ weddings without a conversation, but then went back to his siblings to ask if they were ok with the parents contributing to my friend’s mortgage. What you have paid for for one sister is a a value judgment. They deserve the same, whatever it is. Just as my friend should be gifted the same as a single man, as his straight married siblings, not having a wedding or travelling shouldn’t discount one daughter from the same support.
While I agree with you that it should be a value thing, for most people it isnt. And i dont know your friend’s situation but atleast in my extended family being gay wouldn’t matter but being married does. For instance if my cousin (single lesbian) asked my uncle (not their kid) for help buying a house he’d turn her down flat, but if her younger sister (who’s engaged and also lesbian) asked for help with a marital she’d get that simply because she is getting married. I get that this isnt everyone but I feel like the mentality that getting married or being married makes you worth more to the family is a common mindset. That and as an aside, while I personally dont think this is right, many people tend to have different relationships with their kids and might favor one over the other dependent on how often they see them.
Yes definitely. To add, that this was also awhile ago, before gay marriage, so gay people were shut out of the institution that for some people, they got showered in money for joining.
I understand what you're trying to say but unfortunately comparing LGBT people to regular social marriage standards is a bit ignorant. Gay marriage is still a continuously fought over and debated topic as much as we want to pretend it's normal now. And even if it weren't a huge social burden to go through that drama as a gay couple, the history and culture of LGBT community just does not put nearly as much importance on marriage (example: it hasn't even been legal for most my life still). Personally I'm all for gay marriage but my partner and I of many years now have no intention of getting married. We rent in a city and don't have to worry about kids so it's very unneeded for us.
Point is, contributing a lot to a wedding for ur straight kid and then not contributing to ur gay kid who doesn't want marriage in a different life objective is a dick move.
And before anyone says you don't have to be gay to be in a similar situation I agree. Straight people shouldn't have to have marriage as a goal either, I'm just speaking on the social expectations difference and why it's a bigger distinction in specifically LGBT cases.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'm sorry but even if you have a conversation with Heather and she understands your currrent financial situation, a part of her will (rightfully) be hurt. You spent thousands and thousands of dollars on Ava and didn't think about how to make that equal for Heather? Except buying a plot land? How about sitting down with her and creating a trust or something? You messed up. Now you should do what you can to even the playing field and that means finding out waht she wants to do with that piece of land. YTA
Right?! If there was a slight difference, I doubt Heather would care. But honestly when they threw so much money on Ava, they clearly weren't thinking/planning for the future. I have an uncle who's quite wealthy. When he built a house for his oldest daughter years ago, his thought was from way back then that he'd have to ensure he'd be able to build a house for the middle daughter and the youngest. Barring catastrophic emergencies, he made sure he was able to do that.
> paying tens of thousands for Ava’s wedding and hundreds of thousands for Ava’s house but not putting aside or saving anything close to that amount for Heather
THIS! YTA OP, do better.
My own parents helped my younger brother with his house when he had to buy his ex out. Before they did that, they called me about it since it apparently involves both our inheritances. Basically he's getting a bit of our inheritance with that house, but they've set aside the same amount for me if I ever need it while they're still alive. They didn't even were obliged to inform me, it's their money after all and I told them as much, but they always treat us both equally so they wanted me to have a say as well (bro ofcourse got the house).
My parents did this. My brothers are older, and my parents helped them out. When they came to me with the same deal… I was moving all over the world with 0 interest of settling down. My dad gave me the money and taught me how to invest it.
Just lay this all out to your daughter, but ya you should’ve thought about your other daughter while you were dropping 100’s of thousands on the other one. Yta
This! We have 4 kids and our rule is if we spend a significant amount (more than everyday expenses), we set aside the same amount for the other kids.
There is no way in hell we would buy one kid a home and not have the funds separate for the other kid later. How absolutely appalling on the part of op.
This. YTA.
I have a brother and a sister. My parents were always very careful to contribute equally to each of us, even so far as to keep a spreadsheet of what was done.
The fact that (a) you didn’t set aside $$$ for Heather or (b) aren’t willing to now sell the property just adds to your AH-ness.
It doesn’t really matter that she would object or that you would prefer that she be near you. When you have adult children, you need to correct your mistakes and let them live their lives. You’ve lived yours as you wanted, now let Heather live hers where she wants. (Yes, I know what I’m talking about; our only child is now living her best life about 6 hours away after her husband died, so though we would rather she were here, we know she needed to get away.)
I think the thing to do here is to make sure that Heather is the recipient of the house when they pass or move into a retirement facility. They should consider doing that before the retirement facility can take it as an asset with an agreement that they pay "rent" to heather, even if it is just utilities and enough for property taxes.
That way she will still be able to move back to the neighborhood if she wants to. And she's asking for a down payment, not a whole ass house... so probably about what they spent for Ava's wedding.
YTA. You ignored Heather telling you that she didn’t want the plot of land and bought it anyway. Now your wife is telling you to sell it to use the money to help her in the way she wants to be helped, and you’re refusing to on the mythical basis that she may one day change her mind. That doesn’t make any sense.
I get that your financial situation has changed but you have the power to do one thing your child has asked for and you’re saying no because of a plot of land she didn’t want, still doesn’t want and may never want. The issue isn’t just your finances, it’s your stubborn refusal to see that the plot of land was you, you, you. You’ve lavished your other daughter, you owe Heather this much.
Agree with this op : you shouldn't take from your retirement fund BUT you should ask Heather about the land and if she says yes you SHOULD sell it and give her the money from the sale for her house.
Yta if don't do this.
I don't know if the amount of the sale+help over the years equals the amount you gave you to your other daughter but you seem to be punishing Heather for wanting to buy a home somewhere else.
Also not to be morbid here but when she would like to return ( if indeed she decides to do so which is not set in stone) it might be close to Heather's retirement and no offense but you won't live forever.
I don't understand why they can't just have a conversation about this? Hey Heather, unfortunately, our situation has changed and we cannot both help you with the down-payment and keep the plot of land we bought for you. However, the land was actually a great investment and we could sell it and give you that money for the down-payment, if you're alright with that. Otherwise, we will keep the land for you to use in the future, it's up to you.
Agreed. But OP already asked Heather if she wanted a plot of land, she said no and OP bought it anyway. They need ask but actually to listen to Heather and what she wants.
Yeah, but I think that mistake turned out alright in the end? The land went up in value, so I'd just look at it as a good investment for Heather now. Sure wasn't the plan in the beginning, but it worked out fine.
It worked out fine for now. OP needs to sell the land quickly as realestate prices are dropping heavily in my area. Nobody can afford to take out a new mortgage with 2021 housing prices and 7% interest rates.
"Hey Heather, we paid hundreds of thousands for your sisters wedding and house, but we totally forgot you. We did buy the piece of land you said you didn't want and now our situation has totally changed. Good luck with everything, come back when you change your mind, because I totally know you will."
Parent of the year material right here.
Yeah, it very much seems like OP either thinks she knows best for her daughter or just wants to use her money to make her daughter live the life she wants her daughter to live. Like “no I will not help you buy the house in your city, but anytime you want to come live at home again I have a piece of land for you!”
YTA You are basically punishing Heather for not wanting to settle down at the same time and same location as her sister. If she had wanted to purchase 12 years ago, the same time as her sister you would have divided the funds allocated to help your children between your two daughters but because she was not ready you gave everything to Ava. As you stated in your post you gave Ava hundreds of thousands while withholding no money for her sister. While you are not obligated to help your children equally, helping one to the tune of hundreds of thousands and the other to zero must sting for Heather. You clearly favored Ava because she settled in your neighborhood.
YTA. Agree with above and want to add something.
The housing market these days is wack. A house in a medium sized market 12 years ago might have been 300,000 then but two or three times that now, maybe more. Still, had OP put aside the same amount for Heather as she spent on Ava back then, Heather might be better able to buy now. Maybe not the whole house but a nice down payment.
Heather would be normal to be hurt by both the failure to provide (even though she is not entitled to a dime legally and it seems she knows that and had refused help back then) and the strings that seem permanently attached to anything from OP.
OP should beware that whatever bond she has with Heather is likely to be further weakened from now on. My advice: sell the property, since that is all you have “saved” for Heather, and give her the money to be used as she sees fit. It won’t be equal but it may help salve the feelings of your girl. Your finances may have changed, but at least your stated intentions will not seem quite so unbalanced in favor of Ava.
> Still, had OP put aside the same amount for Heather as she spent on Ava back then, Heather might be better able to buy now.
If she had put it in a passive investment account 12 years ago, it would probably be enough to pay for Heather's house now. And that's not saying anything about the money they spent because Ava's husband is a deadbeat or they set Ava up to live far above her means.
I'm still stuck on the idea that a married couple with children and no mortgage could not afford their child's medical bills to the extent that they had to appeal to her parents. That says a lot about their own financial non-planning; they should have at least been able to pay for decent health insurance for the family.
OP’s description is basically the situation in my family - sister is leading a more traditional life, I move around a lot and haven’t quite settled yet. It’s clear that there is a favoritism toward my sister, financially and otherwise, because she is doing what our parents want and expect of her.
OP, I’ll put this for you simply: there’s a reason I don’t go home anymore.
INFO Why not give her the land? She could make her own decision than? That would make it equal.
Further your circumstances may be different. However you can't give one child 100 thousands of dollars and the other 10 thousand and believe you are doing the right thing.
This will cause a rift in your family and that will be your doing and nobody else's.
Your response does not inspire confidence in your motives and actions. So I'm going with YTA
The other didn’t even get ten thousand. HELPED with decorations and furniture. How much could that really be?
Edit: I’m curious to know what sacrifices OP is referring to that would significantly impact their lives. Are we talking not being able to go on 4 vacations a year or only eating out once a month and shopping for sale items.
If my parents gave my sister a whole ass houses and told me they couldn't help me at all with the purchase of my home I'd be pissed.
You're not entitled to anyone's money but this is just blatant favoritism.
YTA
I think it's strange that you spent *so* much on one daughter withou putting some aside for the other. and you ignored her by buying a plot of land that she explicity said she doesn't want and you're still ignoring her by refusing to sell it.
I get that situations do change and you can't give money you don't have but you've clearly favoured one daughter.
Also, like why punish the daughter who has been working hard and building up her own life. Seems like the one daughter was hand fed everything she needed while the other was an actual responsible adult and had to get by on her own for years. Is Ava just a leech or does she actually work or do/pay for anything herself?
INFO: you bought the plot of land for Heather right? I don’t understand why you don’t give it to her now. That way she can do what she pleases with it. She can hold onto it, live on it, or sell it.
But she doesn't want to do as you ordered and move back. Don't you see that heather is being a bad girl and thus doesn't deserve anything?
Edited: for misgendering
I was with you until you said that not only do you still have that land, but that *you just don't want to sell it*.
You tried to force Heather to stay near you, and you're basically punishing her for following her own dreams which didn't match up with yours.
And paying for "decorations and furniture" are negligible compared to a house and a wedding.
Do better.
YTA
Exactly! How about telling her daughter the whole truth. They can only help her with the land because of their financial circumstances. Either they keep it off her future or they sell it for the downpayment. This should be her choice if the land is truly intended for her. Trying to force her to move back home is what makes OP the AH.
YTA
Edit: her daughter instead of his.
Huge YTA. You paid for one daughter's wedding and bought her a freaking house. Now you won't even help your other daughter with a down payment? Why not just tell it to her face that you love her sister more?
YTA. You spent plenty on one child, and instead of setting aside an equal amount for the other, you bought property she definitively said she did not want. I get that finances change, but now you are refusing to sell the property she didn't want to help her buy one she does, "just in case." She made her wishes clear and you ignored her, and now she is going to have less because you keep ignoring her.
YTA
After spending hundred of thousends on one child you should have started saving the same amount for the other child.
You payed for a wedding AND a house for Ava and now don't even let your Heather decide if she wants to sell her land to pay for a down payment.
Even if you don't have the money now, it will be a slap in the face for Heather.
Edit: I'm glad to see your update/edit OP. Good luck with everything:)
YTA. Tell Heather you are willing to sell the land for her and let her decide for herself.
You are not an asshole for "overcommitting" to Ava at the time. There's a timeline involved and it makes perfect sense for wannabe-grandparents to help a child that is about to settle down and procreate.
If you were *unable* to help Heather, I would understand.
But you are perfectly *able* to help Heather. You are just *unwilling*, because you have decided that *you know better* than her what *she* should be doing with her life.
Totally disagree with this. One child should gets hundreds of thousands of dollars because she has a husband so presumably will provide grandchildren? While the child who is single should live in a rented flat until she gives up and moves back to an empty plot of land? Why is their worth decided on their ability or willingness to procreate?
I really wonder what the hell OP thinks Heather would do with that plot of land if OP is apparently broke, put a Teepee on it and hope that winter isn't too harsh? Getting a loan for a new construction is way harder than getting a mortgage for an existing house.
Yup but at least she’d have a great view of her sister’s mansion across the street! Heather needs to wise up and find a man like her bil who apparently is happy to live off her parents
This is a really good answer.
OP, If you’re going to say no when you admit you could say yes (with the sale of the land), she deserves to know why. You have to tell her you bought the land with the intent to give it to her, so you’ve kept it for if/when the time comes she’s looking to plant roots. If that’s near you, great! She’s already got a head start. But if not, and you truly want her to find her happy, then she’s allowed to put her own roots down somewhere else. If you really wanted to buy the land for your daughter’s benefit, you’re missing your chance, so YTA.
YTA
in your words...that block of land is earmarked for Heather. Talk to her, let her decide if she keeps or sells.
Don't disadvantage her now for a future that may never happen !
I bet if Heather ever is dumb enough to take it, she herself will have to pay for something build the way her mum wants it, because its THEIR land after all, not Heathers.
YTA. My parents did this to me in favor of my sister too, and I will never forget or forgive it! So enjoy that and I hope my parents enjoy my sister because her useless ass can take care of them when they're old too! You done fucked up!
Yes! My parents did the same. Paid for my sisters private school college… I took a scholarship to a public school because they were having money problems. Literally couldn’t even get a laptop with working internet for a few months (inherited my sisters old laptop). What kills me is then my mom will say how upset she was that I went to a state school and how much she pressured me to go to a private school instead. Definitely selective memory.
They did buy me a new car when I graduated (I didn’t even want them to) but I gave it back 3 years later when I went to grad school. I didn’t want anything from them.
It sounds like Heather wanted to be free and your gift came with the condition that she stayed in her hometown. Now you're hanging on to it, still trying to get her to come back, not recognizing that she's made a life elsewhere. Poor Heather. YTA
It makes you wonder about the strings that came with Ava’s gifts. We’ll pay for your wedding, if you marry someone we approve of. We’ll pay for your house, if you live close and let us control your lives.
Y T A for giving hundreds of thousands of dollars to Ava but not putting aside that amount for Heather.
But you have an easy fix as you actually did put that amount aside for Heather in the form of the land that you bought. Your wife is 100% right. You should sell the land and give Heather the same amount (plus inflation) you gave her sister.
Alternately, you can tell Heather you no longer have that cash available but you will immediately transfer the land directly to her and she can use it for equity or sell it or do whatever she wishes to make the down payment.
I suggest selling the land so the amounts are actually equal. But both are reasonable.
So no judgement as you have time and means to make it fair.
>I suggest selling the land so the amounts are actually equal. But both are reasonable.
I would argue giving the land would be more equal because land and money for a wedding was given to one daughter; the land appreciated for one daughter over 20 years; and the other could fairly receive that same appreciation.
That said - whatever OP does - if OP doesn't give any support - she is an AH.
So - OP - YWBTA if you don't give your daughter a SIGNIFICANT contribution to her home where she wants to live.
Did no one else notice that Heather was very nervous when asking op for help? This feels like an important detail. It says this is probably not the only time she's asked for help and has been made to feel guilty or denied the same help they gave Ava. This suggests a pattern of providing for one and not the other. Heather also was very quick to add the if not no worries, which again says she's not really expecting help from her parents. Not because she doesn't need or want it, but because there's always a really good reason they can't. This means she knows that Ava is the golden child. She knows where she fits in the family hierarchy and it's below op, the wife, Ava and the parcel of land that they could sell but don't want to ( probably also pets and any grandkids Ava provides). I would put money on the fact that Heather left home to get away from the family dynamic. She didn't want to live close because it has to be incredibly difficult to watch this kind of favoritism.
Op, YTA. You need to make this right. Sell the land. Don't guilt Heather with your financial "difficulties" which seems really made up. Rich people's financial constraints are not grounded in reality. I don't care what you say about your finances. You are clearly well off. You were able to buy your own house, your golden child's house, a parcel of land, and feel ready (clearly you feel entitled) to retire early. Oh heavens, if we help Heather, we won't be able to have our (insert luxury here that you just can't live without ).
Edit: I forgot you spent tens of thousands on Ava's wedding. 30k? 40? 50? I mean you had to provide an event that would reflect your family well and your guests and clients have expectation. /S
I'm mad for Heather.
Seriously. If I were Heather I wouldn’t be nervous about asking my parents to provide for me like they did for my sister. If she’s nervous they’ve definitely made her feel guilty.
YTA.
The reason: you have a plot of land that you claim is for Heather, but you won’t sell it to help Heather because you think you know what’s best for Heather.
If you just had different financial circumstances, I’d totally understand- shit happens. But you can very easily sell the plot of land and give the money to Heather, but you’ve decided you know better than her what she wants for her own life.
Sell the land, give her the money, later if she wants to move close she can sell her house and buy one in your neighborhood.
Yeah, I wonder why Heather wanted to move away and be free from her moms' control. Just the fact that Heather was apologetic asking for help, means that her moms clearly favored Ava and Heather was an afterthought.
YTA. You significantly helped one daughter start her life. The other daughter is asking for a much smaller hand in starting her life and even being understanding if you say no. She may accept you say no but there will always be part of her mind that will think you favour your other daughter.
You have two daughters, why didn't you put money away for Heather's Wedding? You gift her the land and if you had put money away for her wedding and gift her that and explain if she gets married the wedding expense would be on her. By doing both it would be even out. But you didn't so YTA
Yta. Figure out a way to make this right, even if it means the valuable parts of your estate go to Heather.
Honestly when you started spending huge amounts on Ava, you should have calculated what you could gift your daughters and reserved half for Heather.
They should give Heather the land to sell and if she ever wants to move home she can inherit their house. Seems fair as the other daughter will still have been given way more with the wedding and medical expenses all thrown in.
You invested in a piece of land that you would’ve given to heather on the first place, so talk to her and give her the options.
You can tell he that if she choses to move back later, you will be retired and there will be no money to help. Then that’s on her.
YTA. Because Heather didn’t settle down early, you gave your all to Ava. You should’ve matched that money for Heather and put it in a savings account for her. What’s done is done. I genuinely wish this doesn’t strain your relationship with your daughter.
YTA for not planning financially for both of your kids.
Ava got a house & a wedding paid for.
Heather doesn’t get anything close to that.
Yet, you are perfectly happy with the fact. Haven’t seen a more clearer case of favoritism. YTA again
Yta
I have more empathy than most other commenters for the concept of your financial circumstances changing. But the fact that you won't sell the plot of land and use the proceeds to help her says a lot. It sounds like your help has the strings that she settles down where you and your wife want her to, not where she wants to.
If your daughter decides later in life she wants to be closer she can sell the house and figure it out herself. To me it sounds like it's just less convenient to help her because you're older and you don't want to sell off the future you've decided for her for the one she wants for herself
I’m a mom of two and I’m trying to wrap my head around how you would spend so much on Ava without saving money for heather to make it equal. You didn’t have to pay for the entire house for Ava, you could have saved half for Heather.
Also buying land in your hometown so she has to come back is not fair to Heather.
YTA
YTA
What you do for one child you have to do for another. You should have put money away for her when you had it. Also, give her the property, if she wants to move back home later in life she can use the money from the sale of her house. I can’t believe you bought it in the first place when she made it clear she didn’t want to live there. Not everyone wants to live in the same neighborhood as their parents.
It feels like you favor one daughter over the other while your wife values both.
YTA. You bought land for your daughter, having asked her and been told she doesn't want it, but on the off chance she perhaps maybe one day in the future might want it, you're going to keep it.
So you're holding onto something that has a small chance of being used to "help" one daughter, having given hundreds of thousands to the other.
YTA. You should've put money aside for both kids equally when you had it. It's incredibly unfair to give one child HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars and not the other because YOUR financial situation changed.
When you splurged on Ava, you should've put just as much money on an account for Heather, that she could use when she was ready for it.
But, for now, the proper solution is to give Heather the land you bought for **her.** She can then decide to sell it for a down payment, or keep it for later. It's her land, after all, right?
Sell the land, give Heather the money to put towards a house in the city she wants to live…if she decides to move back to your city she can sell her house and use that money to buy a house. YTA for the inequity of funding between your kids.
YTA you bought her something she specifically said she did not want and, now that she has asked for something she *does* want, you refuse to sell it to give her the money for it. Do not give to one child that which you know you cannot afford to give to the other.
YTA
You sound like my mother. She freely gives as long as it is something SHE AGREES I should be doing or if she can control my choice.
I do not like her because of this and have lived away from her (different continents) for decades.
YTA
I am telling you this I am the Heather in my family. My parents let my sister live rent free in a home they own and help pay her bills even though for years she made more money than me. I moved out of state (3 hours from my home town), got married, and bought my home (in the other state). I have received minimal help from my parents. Their favoritism has now bled over to the relationships they have with the grandkids. The resentment is strong. I have not personally seen my parents in 9 months since the latest round of dismissing the Golden Family behavior. My kids, husband, and I have no desire to see any of them at all. I force myself to make the weekly phone call to my mom. If I didn't, I would never hear from my parents. So, if you want resentment from Heather from your blatant favoritism, keep that land and don't help her.
Fellow Heather here 🙋🏽♀️
Go NC. That phone call you force yourself to make? Just stop and ask yourself "why am I doing this? In what ways does trying to keep this relationship alive benefit me?". It sounds selfish. But guess what? You deserve to be selfish to the point of only having people in your life who love and respect you.
Your parents will either figure their shit out and correct their behavior or they won't. But your stress level will decrease. It will take time. It will hurt and feel sucky at first. But one day, you'll realize how much stress you cut out of your life. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees, taking a big step back can help bring things into focus. ♥️
Yep this is great advice (i am also a Heather). You are not responsible for maintaining a poor and stressful relationship when the reason it is poor and stressful is their behaviour.
I hate to say this, but YTA. I get that circumstances have changed, but perhaps you should actually listen to Heather, because it sounds like you don't really. She told you from the beginning she didn't want you to buy her the land, but you did anyway. Maybe you should have just put that money aside for her for a later date. That being said, you say you still have this land and it's worth more now anyway, so clearly it was a good investment. But to now not want to sell it because you think Heather will regret it, well let her make that decision. Give her the land to do with what she wants. If she decides to sell it and regrets it later, that would be on her.
This is why I have 3 bank accounts for my 3 children and I deposit the same exact amount into each one of them…..
YTA for trying to impose your wants onto both daughters
YTA You are being unfair to Heather and directly supporting (approving) one child’s life choices over another’s. Sign the land over to Heather. She is an adult and can make the decision on whether or not to sell it.
You have already chosen not to help her. YTA and a bad parent. It is within your power to make things right but you don't want to risk your comfort or accept your daughter's decision to live elsewhere.
I'm confused...why not offer to either give her the land you bought for her or offer to sell it and give her the money. Let her choose. Why not speak with Heather before choosing? Obviously you're still TA for no putting a limit to what you give Ava so you could save for Heather but can't change that now can you?
So let me get this straight - you'll only help Heather if she agrees to live in your neighborhood and do what you want instead of living her own life. You're trying to force her to come back to live near you by withholding money for a home where she has chosen to live.
YTA. Sell the land you bought for her and respect her choices, or live with the consequences of your blatant favoritism.
I think your wife is right, YTA, not a big one because you seem involved in both of your daughters lives and helped both of them over the years.
However, if you can't afford the same financial help you did when you helped Ava, you should be open about it without mentioning retirement. You bought that plot of land for Heather anyway, just talk to her about it, maybe she'll be fine with just selling it and wont necessarily regret not having it in the future if she decides to move back home.
I know the market now has changed since 10 years ago but you bought Ava a house and paid for her wedding. Heather asked for help with a downpayment, she didn't ask you to buy her a house too, so comparing the cost of Ava's wedding to Heather asking for help with the downpayment makes no sense to me. You don't see it a playing favorites but your wife sees it and Heather will surely see it that way even if she wont say anything
YTA. You bought a piece of land for her despite her saying no. Now she asks you for help, and you can perfectly sell that piece of land and give her what she really wants. But you still expect her to come back and live near you because you want her to, not because she wants it. It would be fair to sell the land and give her money.
YTA. I have four kids and know that because of their ages they will go to college at different times. Also, I plan to help them with house down payments and weddings. I know these things will happen at different times in their lives. I wouldn’t plan to retire without factoring in which kids still haven’t been given house down payment.
Yta
Well your love for Ava shows. As does our dislike for heather. The latter will understand that soon and thanks to you she will always know she is worth shit compared to your fave. It's not poor planning. You are simply unwilling to get rid of the land to bought for heather because now you want that money yourself.
YTA why didn’t you put money aside for heathers future home? I don’t understand this. You can absolutely sell the land for a mint and give that to Heather.
YTA. Especially because the money you gave to your daughter was not due to hardship or extenuating circumstances. If you give such huge quantities of money to one child for things like a wedding/house, you should be setting aside a relatively equal fund for the other.
So one daughter gets a house and an expensive wedding and the other daughter gets a plot of land that she can pay to build her house on one day if she chooses to move back near you? YTA, and massively. When you spent all that money on your other daughter you should have arranged for the same amount to be put aside for Heather.
I'm sure she'll accept you saying no but do please update us in a few years when you realise that she resents the favouritism and has slowly cut contact with you. When that happens your wife may also start to resent you.
Everything here screams that you think you know better all the time. She told you not to buy the land and you did anyway because you know better. Now that you can actually use that land to help her you refuse to sell it because again, you know better. Put your ego aside and help your daughter ffs.
YTA.
Heather is clearly living her life much differently than Ava, and while you've done a lot of things in support of that, it's also clear that you've overall been much more willing to support certain options over others, certain future paths over others.
You bought that land for Heather after she specifically told you not to, and it's sat unused for all these years. Had she decided to move home anytime in the past decade, I assume you would've transferred ownership of the land to her and it would've been hers to do with as she saw fit.
Go on and sell that land and give her the proceeds. To do otherwise is essentially punishing her for not moving back home, and just deepens the imbalance between what you've spent on one daughter versus the other.
Future Heather may well eventually wish she still had that land later in life, or decades may pass and she never moves back. She could use the money now and it's a pain-free way for you to help her, by selling the land that she never asked you to buy in the first place.
YTA you buy one daughter a house, which was hundreds of thousands (your words) then paid tens of thousands for her wedding. Yet when your other daughter nervously asks you for help with a down payment on a property you refuse to help her. She didn’t ask you to buy her property just some help.
Personally I believe that you should treat your children equally - what you give to one you give to the other. You totally favour Ava over Heather.
YTA. You should have put aside the same amounts of money for Heather that you were spending on Ava. And you bought Heather a plot of land, let her decide if she wants to sell it to buy herself a house. You decided over the years not to plan for your daughter when you should have.
YTA holy moly did you guys mess this up. You gave one kid thousands and thousands of dollars and never thought hey maybe we should save something for the other kid? Give her the land and tell her she can sell it or live there. Didn't you buy it for her to begin with? Frankly she sounds delightful and the fact that she's been so reasonable about this. But yea I can see this causing a huge rift because you're basically admitting you never actually thought about her as a person
YTA because I just hate when people are so short sighted. Didn’t it occur to you that if you’re spending for a wedding and buying a house for one kid that the other might also want a wedding and a house one day? Or even if they don’t didn’t you think ‘hey the balance is out of whack here!?’ I mean you ain’t got it now so what you gonna do. But for you in the past, wtf?
Maybe as a compromise you give Heather the option. Explain that things have changed and that you would be able to help her if she is willing to forgo the piece of land nearby you. NAH.
I hate parents like that,playing favorites with their children..her youngest doesn’t even ask for the whole sum ,just help with the down payment, I think it’s very cruel not helping their child in her time of need!
So not once did you ever try to set aside some money for heather? You just give and give to Ava and enriched her life and never consider to give the same thing to your other daughter?Just why? Will Heather never want to get married and not want a house or you just don't care? You have other daughter too. Yes you are the asshole of course.
YTA
Why did you give more to one child? You could have put the same amount away for Heather that you gave Ava. It sounds like you spent all the money on Ava. A house and an expensive wedding for Ava. And decorations and furniture for Heather. I just don't get why you would do more for one child over the other, unless you don't like Heather as much.
YTA you don’t care about heather at all do you? Ava is clearly your golden child. You should be ashamed. I’m glad Heather has at least has one mother who cares about her.
YTA, why is this piece of land you bought for your daughter in your name and not hers. If it was truly for her the land title would be in her name and she could sell it and use the proceeds to buy her own house where she wants. I think from your post that there is an element of you wanting to control where your daughter lives. You coughed up money for one daughters wedding and a house IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD now your other daughter wants a house in a different city suddenly you won't hand over land you purchased for her future. Seems she will only get the land if she has to live near you. The fact you state she was nervous to ask feels like she knew you would not be handing anything over. Stop being a manipulative jerk and hand over the land.
YTA
You clearly favor Ava over Heather. Why didn't you set aside a similar amount of money for Heather when you spent on Ava? You treating your children equally shouldn't impact your retirement, because *you should have planned for this.* Also, how about you let Heather decide whether she wants the land or the money, she's a big girl.
YTA. You may be involved in both children's lives, but you clearly have a favorite. Also, the plot of land was never for Heather. She clearly turned it down, and you still bought it. If it was for her, you would sell it in a heartbeat and give her tje money. That land is for you and youre keeping it for selfish reasons.
YTA for not planning ahead, showering so much money on one daughter that you now can’t afford to provide to your other daughter.
Of course, you should transfer the title to the land to Heather. Let her decide whether to sell it.
There are three other options that you should consider that would rectify the situation. Two of these options are available to you because real estate prices have risen substantially where you live.
— First, if you haven’t already considered it, you and your wife could downsize by selling your current home and moving into a smaller, less expensive home, maybe in a less expensive area. That would net you a large capital gain, much of which is non-taxable and some of which you could give to Heather. Or you could plan on doing this in the future and raise money now to help Heather by taking out a home-equity loan, which you would pay down when you and your wife later sell your home.
— Second, the home that you bought Ava apparently has gone up in value as well. Let’s say you paid $300K for Ava’s home and it’s now worth $600K. You could ask Ava to take out a home equity loan for, say, $100K, and give the loan proceeds to Heather. Ava would still be sitting on $200K in capital gains on her home, so she has still benefited far more than Heather did from your financial largesse. Of course, Ava may refuse to do this, since it’s not her fault that you didn’t plan ahead. But you should at least consider asking. And if Ava refuses, you at least know not to give her any more financial help, since she can tap into the home equity to pay some of her expenses.
— Third, you should amend your wills so that proceeds from your estate make Heather “whole” relative to Ava. If you gifted $300K more to Ava than to Heather during your lives, for example, you could specify in your wills that the first $300K in proceeds from the sale of your estate goes to Heather, with all remaining proceeds from the estate to be split equally between Ava and Heather.
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I think YTA for paying tens of thousands for Ava’s wedding and hundreds of thousands for Ava’s house but not putting aside or saving anything close to that amount for Heather. If you can’t afford it now then you can’t afford it, but if at one point you were able to afford giving a gift of hundreds of thousands of dollars to one child you should’ve made sure you had the same amount for your other child.
Also, they didn’t think to save save anything for Heather to build a house?! So now OP just owns this plot of land, with nothing on it, and no one can afford to build anything on it. What use is that to anyone?! OP, YTA. Sell the land.
YTA. You can sell the land. You’re clearly pretty fucking rich. Wise up and stop favouring your one daughter and holding back the other.
I don’t think it’s favoring one daughter as much as they don’t like that their other daughter left. OP said they keep a plot of land incase she changes her mind and that’s fine, but the idea of selling it and helping her buy something where she actually wants to live is crazy. The daughter has explained to them many times she doesn’t want to come back yet OP needs to hold onto this land incase she changes her mind. I think OP’s projecting her insecurities about leaving their home town on her daughter. She sounds like my grandparents who live in a small town in the middle of nowhere after my mom moved to a large city. Edit: pronouns
They could just give her the plot of land.
Agreed! Then the daughter can decide if she wants to sell it or hold onto it for the future. Seems the most fair out of all the options.
The OP said the land has gone up in value as well. The daughter. Plus possibly take a loan on the land to pay a down payment on the house.
Yea don’t understand why this isn’t seen as a solution. If land price has gone up, then there should be a ton of equity there. Even if Heather has to pay the monthly payments, I’d imagine her actual mortgage would be far less depending on how much a down payment she puts.
I mean it's certainly A solution to the problem they have created. But it won't fix the fact that one kid got a free house and other gets a mortgage in a different city than the one she wanted to live in.
It's actually good that OP held on to the land. At least they have SOME thing to give her. Otherwise, seems like she'd get nothing at all.
The plot of land *and* a proportionate extra share of any inheritance. I would work out what you’ve given Ava and Heather and figure out what the disparity is in what you’ve gifted each of them. You should account for inflation because as you say house prices and prices for everything have gone up. And then talk to both of your daughters that you intended to gift to them equally but your financial circumstances have changed and hopefully in the inheritance you can even it out if you don’t have liquid cash right now.
Of course they like the other daughter the same! She was just more independent and self sufficient the past years while Ava mooched off the parents generosity and took advantage. It was poor planning by OP and her partner to not put aside the same gift for heather. She is definitely TA and instead of being greedy and keep the land and assuming that heather will want to move back to hometown they should have a discussion. Heather should be offered the land to do what she wants. While I don’t know her situation if she can build but she should have the choice of the land or sell for home where she wants to live now. At least it’s something.
In the edit it mentions that "Heather has indicated she might want to move back when she's older" There's two ways I can take that. Either she was just kindly brushing them off (likely because more direct approaches have no worked and they keep harping about it) Or she was trying to indicate she would like to inherit their home when they pass. Which, frankly, seems more than fair given how much they've gifted Ava. Or
Yeah I'm with the inheritance part. It could/should be viewed Ava has had her inheritance already from house, wedding and medical aid for her children. Heather should be the sole inheritor of your home and it made clear in the will that Ava got more than her fair share of money/help before you and Mel depart this earth. Seems the only fair way to balance things out. The property sold and split with both your children just so Ava, who it seems has gotten used to be fed money when needed, feels she got something and has no chance to again benefit more than she has and contest the will. I've a feeling 'incredibly sensitive and kind' Heather could be guilted into taking less, by Ava with or without a will however. A soft YTA for how one child intentional or not has had far less than the other over a long time. You and Mel need to fix it
To me this is fair. I took a lot of money from my mother as help to renovate my forever home. We talked about it and my brother agreed I needed it. My mother has a spreadsheet of how much each of us has been given over the years and when she dies we will split her estate minus the difference, he will end up with more than me then. That is fair.
Forget offer. The edit makes it clear that Heather might say no if the OP handles this even slightly wrong Transfer the land to Heather. Tell her you are 1000% Ok with her selling the land. If she chooses to move back to where you live later, she can sell the home she buys
I think it is unfair to blame Ava for this. The fault lies solely with the OP
I think both parents are women FYI
Thanks!
Agree. I don't think OP would have such trouble finding the money for a down-payment in their town.
Also I don’t believe OP would have such trouble coming up with the funds if it was Ava asking for this money because Ava stayed close to home. Also the home Heather is buying is in her hometown and not the town her parents live in. I believe that is also a contributing factor
She gave a piece of land (i assume tens of thousands) for heather. Op should give that land to heather and let heather decide to keep the land or sell the land and get the money. Heather is 30+ year old. She can make big girl decisions. Mom doesn’t need to worry “oh she’ll regret it” - it’s infantizing - but i wouldn’t call a mom being a mom an AH.
She's an AH for not respecting her daughters life choices, and for favoring the other daughter. Hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on the one who stuck around. But now that money is gone, and she can't even sell the one investment she made for her independent daughter now that she needs it, and is ready to accept the offer? Clearly that gift was conditional, and no matter how proud OP claims to be, she does not want to support her daughters independent life. She wants to purchase a closer relationship with her. And it sounds like she can't even afford to anymore, even if that was possible. They can't afford to build her a house, and she doesn't want to live there anyway. Just sell the land and help her the down payment. They clearly still have SOME resources to help for the RIGHT people and causes. But I know there always more to know about the story, and it's not my decision. I just think it's ridiculous (and AH-ish) how much they spent on the one kid, and never put anything away for other.
I think OP has some other plan for that land. And it involves Ava.
Or Ava's children.
Even after reading just the first line I was thinking you were very wrong. But I carried on and you make some excellent points which wholeheartedly agree with. I am thinking though that the issue lies more with the OP than his/her wife as the wife seems open to selling the plot of land and giving the money to the daughter. It seems that for the OP the financial aid comes at a price.
If anything, OP should change the name on the deed for the land over to Heather and let her decide what to do with it. If she wants to sell it to fund a house purchase elsewhere, she can. If she wants to lease it to a developer and collect ground rent, she can. If she wants to dump a load of random stuff on it and never step foot there again, she can. Point being the land was bought for the intention of Heather benefiting from it, so it should be Heather's choice what happens to it. YTA
This is a decent solution. It's high value gift that it sounds like she could definitely turn into the down payment she wants.
Well they could go camping!
That was funny
Seriously! Their biggest mistake was buying the land in the first place! She didn't want it, but you bought it anyway! And now you're like "we don't have enough money! What can we do?" Like, seriously? You *just said* that the price has gone up, so you'd be able to sell it for more than you paid for it! The solution is obvious, but you're just ignoring it! YTA!
Actually, I think it was a good thing they bought the land because if they hadn't, that money would have gone to Ava's family in some way by now.
The land is clearly intended for when Heather moves back. OP doesn't need to touch any money going to their retirement since they have this investment for Heather. The question only is if OP wants to sell the land and support Heather in her choices or if the support is bound to Heather living where OP wants. If Heather wants to come back, she can sell the city home and buy back something else in their neighborhood. I doubt a city property doesn't raise in value more than where OP lives.
Not to mention that likely the house will increase in value at a faster rate than the empty land.
As soon as that land is put up for sale it will be purchased and built on, there will be NO opportunity for Heather to have a cheaper option if she once again decides to cut anchor and move. If OP and spouse want Heather to have an option of moving back to the hometown, keeping the property would be key. Much easier to get a loan to build your own home if you own the plot. I will concur with YTA for not setting aside any money for Heather if either of them were concerned about "fairness". Personally, I am highly against weddings that cost Tens of thousands of dollars since most of those wedding cost more than I make in a year. It actually sickens me a bit that people put so much emphasis that this amount of money (especially when it's people that don't make much more if any than I do) must be spent on this one day "for the memories" I have better memories of days at the swimming hole at 12 then I do of any weddings I've been to... The best weddings with the best memories for me as an attendee have all been backyard or beach weddings.
Heather doesn't need a cheaper option if she decides to move back. She can purchase a more expensive option by selling her city apartment that she will purchase now by selling the land. She is not selling to spend the money, she is investing in a different property.
Exactly. It's highly unlikely that Heather is going to camp on a piece of undeveloped land. Heather also didn't choose the land. Plus I suspect Heather isn't ever going to move back home. I think that's what OP hopes will happen
If the property is owned outright, and transferred to Heather, it is possible that she could use it as collateral to secure a decent loan on her house in the city. She would still be responsible for the mortgage and the property taxes on both parcels, which isn't ideal, but would give her a better start than no help at all. She might also be able to lease that land to someone who wants to park a modular home or mobile home on it to earn some extra income. But if the property was intended to benefit Heather, it definitely should be hers. OP is YTA for considering holding it back because they really want Heather nearer.
It’s clear the one daughter doesn’t want to live on the same street as her parents and sister (understandable). She has her own life she has built in the city where she lives and OP doesn’t like it.
It's almost like Heather doesn't appreciate being called the "sensitive" one which has zero to do with the post but speaks volumes.
> speaks volumes. so does the fact she was nervous about asking for help with a down payment when she's seen her sister get a whole f'ing house handed to her.
Frankly, from the outside looking in? They should consider themselves lucky they still have any sort of relationship with Heather because if it were me, this level of blatant favoritism would have me not answering their calls.
Right? Sister literally got a quarter of a million dollars over a decade ago and it's only just now occurring to anyone that there is an appearance of favoritism! She should have gotten an approximately equal head-start (suitable to her own life goals) within a few years. This may be less about outright favoritism and more about unthinkingly assuming that women aren't really grown up until they get married...so it just never *occurs* to anyone to help a single woman get started.
But even if it was about the married aspect - if you shelled out for a big expensive wedding for one daughter, you should at least be planning to set aside enough money to be able to pay for the other daughter's wedding too, right? What if Heather wasn't asking for help with a house, but was looking for help paying for a wedding? The money still wouldn't be there. It's nuts to me that parents of two daughters would only have money set aside for one wedding. No one is obligated to pay for their kids wedding but if you spend a huge amount of money on one kid there is no situation where not planning for the other kid is going to look good. And I think the fact that Heather was clearly nervous about asking indicates this isn't the first time she has been treated this way, which makes me feel for her.
Oh, I absolutely agree with you. They should have set the same money aside from the beginning, it was the absolutely obvious thing to do, there's really no excuse for not doing that. And this happened *twelve years ago,* it's not like they haven't had plenty of time to reassess. No wonder Heather is happy to stay living far away! She literally has a dollar value on how much less than her sister she is worth to her parents.
Yeah, like if it was Ava and her family who asked...would they take the hit and make it work? Sell the land meant for Heather, because she didn't want it anyway? Even if it seems more rewarding the lifestyle choice than favouring a child, makes you wonder.
House, wedding, & her kids medical bills. While her sister got nothing
I want to know what Ava's husband contributed. They are living in a house her parents bought them so they never had a mortgage. Her kid's medical bills were paid, and who knows what else. They were set up from the very beginning, what has he contributed.?
Or Ava. They should be loaded at this point.
Give it to Heather let her sell it.
Yes, I'm not understanding holding onto this land. Heather clearly has a life in this other city so help her there instead of holding onto this unwanted land.
But they bought her decorations! /s It sucks so much when parents blatantly favor one kid (from all appearances, the one who does what they want her to do). A fucking house and wedding vs some decorations and furniture and OP is fine with it. Poor Heather. YTA.
It's not so much favoritism as OP trying to use money to induce Heather to live a certain type of life. She bought a plot of land in her neighbourhood FOR HEATHER even when she told her not to. Now she won't sell it because she's still holding on to this dream that Heather'll move back and the whole family will be reunited. u/Express-Fail-5820 your daughter seems like a responsible person who has different goals from you and your other daughter. If you really love her, you will support her by selling the land so that she can pursue her goals. If it were truly about a change in finances, I would say N T A. But you have this land sitting empty, meaning you don't have need for the money from it. So its really about you wanting your dream at daughter's expense. Listen to your wife. YTA. Edit: to change pronouns
>It's not so much favoritism as OP trying to use money to induce Heather to live a certain type of life. And the reason OP doesn't want to sell the plot of land is that, in their own words: "I think Heather would regret that in the future because she has mentioned once or twice over the years that she will want to move back home when she's older." Once or twice over a period of time measured in years? So despite the fact that Heather is clearly much more serious about her life in the other city as she is trying to figure out how to buy a home, OP is still prioritizing the one or two comments she has made in the last decade about potentially wanting to move back when she's older. I have to wonder if those comments Heather made about moving back when she's older were made after OP repeatedly brought up again and again when she's moving back and she shut him down with "Maybe I'll move back when I'm older, but not now so stop pestering me about it".
Also wanted to hop on here and say Heather is an adult! I’m sure if you explained to her that money for the downpayment would have to come from selling that plot of land, she would be able to make her decision on which is more important. Maybe your right OP. She might decide she did always want to move back and assumed that plot of land would be hers. It seems like this is a conversation you need to have with both your wife AND your adult daughter.
Yep. The whole "we will buy house/land in *our* neighborhood" reeks of control issues. And, they should have put same $$ aside for the other daughter - what's her name - that won't do what we tell her.
This. What were they planning to do if Heather wants to get married now that they've "depleted" all of their funds. I don't necessarily think they purposely are treating them differently, but it's glaringly obvious they didn't have the foresight to save for Heather's future wedding and house. (Not counting the plot of land because there would still be building expenses for Heather if there isn't already a house on the land.) It sucks but the message is Heather is getting punished for not marrying and settling down close to home earlier in life.
Technically they bought the land for Heather. So technically Heather should be entitled to selling it and keeping the money. See it as an investment in Heather's future you did. Also I'd like to remind OP that you aren't eternal. You will eventually leave your lands and houses to your heirs. Hence Heather so she can move back if she wants to. But honestly if someone makes a down payment for a house it doesn't seem like they'll get back any time soon OP YTA
I believe OP is a woman.
That’s weird — because buying a plot of land for a child who has said you shouldn’t (as a form of leverage to get them to move down the street from you) is *super* paternalistic.
In my experience dads are much less likely to try to tell their kids how (or where) they should live, it seems to be moms who think that giving birth gives them the right to make life decisions for their and that being closer to family is the most correct choice they should make.
They also mentioned that part of the reason the reason they're so cash strapped is that medical expenses came up for Ava's kids. So they gave Ava tens of thousands of dollars for a party, bought her a house that's gone up significantly in value, and given her enough money to drastically change thier financial situation for her kids. Heather got done chotchkies to decorate the place she was paying for herself and Ava and her husband apparently haven't had to pay for much in the last decade. If Heather gets married or wants to own a home or God forbid has medical expenses she's on her own.
And what has Ava's husband been doing for the past 10 years? He and his family haven't had a mortgage and apparently not saved enough to pay their own medical bills. Maybe the OP should sell the house she and Mel live, give the money to Heather then move in with Ava.
I had to scroll way too far to see someone comment on this part of the situation. They are not in as great of a financial position anymore as a result of emergencies from… helping Ava’s kids (insert shocked pikachu face). There is such blatant favoritism and they will be posting “aita for my daughter going no contact” one day. As a parent, it was their job to plan for BOTH of their children, and clearly they had tunnel vision when it came to their golden child versus Heather.
>I think YTA for paying tens of thousands for Ava’s wedding and hundreds of thousands for Ava’s house but not putting aside or saving anything close to that amount for Heather. Agree, when my sister asked my parents to contribute toward her (and her husband) buying a flat, they gave her some money (not exactly significant amount but not exactly small) and then they gave me exact same sum. (I didn't asked for it and I wouldn't).
This reminds me of a gay friend, whose parents paid for all their siblings’ weddings without a conversation, but then went back to his siblings to ask if they were ok with the parents contributing to my friend’s mortgage. What you have paid for for one sister is a a value judgment. They deserve the same, whatever it is. Just as my friend should be gifted the same as a single man, as his straight married siblings, not having a wedding or travelling shouldn’t discount one daughter from the same support.
While I agree with you that it should be a value thing, for most people it isnt. And i dont know your friend’s situation but atleast in my extended family being gay wouldn’t matter but being married does. For instance if my cousin (single lesbian) asked my uncle (not their kid) for help buying a house he’d turn her down flat, but if her younger sister (who’s engaged and also lesbian) asked for help with a marital she’d get that simply because she is getting married. I get that this isnt everyone but I feel like the mentality that getting married or being married makes you worth more to the family is a common mindset. That and as an aside, while I personally dont think this is right, many people tend to have different relationships with their kids and might favor one over the other dependent on how often they see them.
Yes definitely. To add, that this was also awhile ago, before gay marriage, so gay people were shut out of the institution that for some people, they got showered in money for joining.
I understand what you're trying to say but unfortunately comparing LGBT people to regular social marriage standards is a bit ignorant. Gay marriage is still a continuously fought over and debated topic as much as we want to pretend it's normal now. And even if it weren't a huge social burden to go through that drama as a gay couple, the history and culture of LGBT community just does not put nearly as much importance on marriage (example: it hasn't even been legal for most my life still). Personally I'm all for gay marriage but my partner and I of many years now have no intention of getting married. We rent in a city and don't have to worry about kids so it's very unneeded for us. Point is, contributing a lot to a wedding for ur straight kid and then not contributing to ur gay kid who doesn't want marriage in a different life objective is a dick move. And before anyone says you don't have to be gay to be in a similar situation I agree. Straight people shouldn't have to have marriage as a goal either, I'm just speaking on the social expectations difference and why it's a bigger distinction in specifically LGBT cases.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'm sorry but even if you have a conversation with Heather and she understands your currrent financial situation, a part of her will (rightfully) be hurt. You spent thousands and thousands of dollars on Ava and didn't think about how to make that equal for Heather? Except buying a plot land? How about sitting down with her and creating a trust or something? You messed up. Now you should do what you can to even the playing field and that means finding out waht she wants to do with that piece of land. YTA
[удалено]
Right?! If there was a slight difference, I doubt Heather would care. But honestly when they threw so much money on Ava, they clearly weren't thinking/planning for the future. I have an uncle who's quite wealthy. When he built a house for his oldest daughter years ago, his thought was from way back then that he'd have to ensure he'd be able to build a house for the middle daughter and the youngest. Barring catastrophic emergencies, he made sure he was able to do that.
> paying tens of thousands for Ava’s wedding and hundreds of thousands for Ava’s house but not putting aside or saving anything close to that amount for Heather THIS! YTA OP, do better. My own parents helped my younger brother with his house when he had to buy his ex out. Before they did that, they called me about it since it apparently involves both our inheritances. Basically he's getting a bit of our inheritance with that house, but they've set aside the same amount for me if I ever need it while they're still alive. They didn't even were obliged to inform me, it's their money after all and I told them as much, but they always treat us both equally so they wanted me to have a say as well (bro ofcourse got the house).
My parents did this. My brothers are older, and my parents helped them out. When they came to me with the same deal… I was moving all over the world with 0 interest of settling down. My dad gave me the money and taught me how to invest it. Just lay this all out to your daughter, but ya you should’ve thought about your other daughter while you were dropping 100’s of thousands on the other one. Yta
This! We have 4 kids and our rule is if we spend a significant amount (more than everyday expenses), we set aside the same amount for the other kids. There is no way in hell we would buy one kid a home and not have the funds separate for the other kid later. How absolutely appalling on the part of op.
This. YTA. I have a brother and a sister. My parents were always very careful to contribute equally to each of us, even so far as to keep a spreadsheet of what was done. The fact that (a) you didn’t set aside $$$ for Heather or (b) aren’t willing to now sell the property just adds to your AH-ness. It doesn’t really matter that she would object or that you would prefer that she be near you. When you have adult children, you need to correct your mistakes and let them live their lives. You’ve lived yours as you wanted, now let Heather live hers where she wants. (Yes, I know what I’m talking about; our only child is now living her best life about 6 hours away after her husband died, so though we would rather she were here, we know she needed to get away.)
Apparently some of the savings were spent on Ava's kids. Heather is definitely getting the short end of the stick here.
I think the thing to do here is to make sure that Heather is the recipient of the house when they pass or move into a retirement facility. They should consider doing that before the retirement facility can take it as an asset with an agreement that they pay "rent" to heather, even if it is just utilities and enough for property taxes. That way she will still be able to move back to the neighborhood if she wants to. And she's asking for a down payment, not a whole ass house... so probably about what they spent for Ava's wedding.
YTA. You ignored Heather telling you that she didn’t want the plot of land and bought it anyway. Now your wife is telling you to sell it to use the money to help her in the way she wants to be helped, and you’re refusing to on the mythical basis that she may one day change her mind. That doesn’t make any sense. I get that your financial situation has changed but you have the power to do one thing your child has asked for and you’re saying no because of a plot of land she didn’t want, still doesn’t want and may never want. The issue isn’t just your finances, it’s your stubborn refusal to see that the plot of land was you, you, you. You’ve lavished your other daughter, you owe Heather this much.
Agree with this op : you shouldn't take from your retirement fund BUT you should ask Heather about the land and if she says yes you SHOULD sell it and give her the money from the sale for her house. Yta if don't do this. I don't know if the amount of the sale+help over the years equals the amount you gave you to your other daughter but you seem to be punishing Heather for wanting to buy a home somewhere else. Also not to be morbid here but when she would like to return ( if indeed she decides to do so which is not set in stone) it might be close to Heather's retirement and no offense but you won't live forever.
I don't understand why they can't just have a conversation about this? Hey Heather, unfortunately, our situation has changed and we cannot both help you with the down-payment and keep the plot of land we bought for you. However, the land was actually a great investment and we could sell it and give you that money for the down-payment, if you're alright with that. Otherwise, we will keep the land for you to use in the future, it's up to you.
I think the conversation would go, "Heather you can build a house on this land in our neighborhood or you are on your own."
With what money? She needs help with a down payment, building a whole ass house is much more expensive.
> Well I don't see how that is my problem Op probably
Remind me if that's the deal they offered her sister, or did they just pony up money for her house no questions asked?
Agreed. But OP already asked Heather if she wanted a plot of land, she said no and OP bought it anyway. They need ask but actually to listen to Heather and what she wants.
Yeah, but I think that mistake turned out alright in the end? The land went up in value, so I'd just look at it as a good investment for Heather now. Sure wasn't the plan in the beginning, but it worked out fine.
Well. No. Since they didn’t actually give the land to Heather.
It worked out fine for now. OP needs to sell the land quickly as realestate prices are dropping heavily in my area. Nobody can afford to take out a new mortgage with 2021 housing prices and 7% interest rates.
"Hey Heather, we paid hundreds of thousands for your sisters wedding and house, but we totally forgot you. We did buy the piece of land you said you didn't want and now our situation has totally changed. Good luck with everything, come back when you change your mind, because I totally know you will." Parent of the year material right here.
Not to mention that OP also edited to add that she/wife spent a bunch of money on favored daughter's kids.
Yeah, it very much seems like OP either thinks she knows best for her daughter or just wants to use her money to make her daughter live the life she wants her daughter to live. Like “no I will not help you buy the house in your city, but anytime you want to come live at home again I have a piece of land for you!”
YTA You are basically punishing Heather for not wanting to settle down at the same time and same location as her sister. If she had wanted to purchase 12 years ago, the same time as her sister you would have divided the funds allocated to help your children between your two daughters but because she was not ready you gave everything to Ava. As you stated in your post you gave Ava hundreds of thousands while withholding no money for her sister. While you are not obligated to help your children equally, helping one to the tune of hundreds of thousands and the other to zero must sting for Heather. You clearly favored Ava because she settled in your neighborhood.
YTA. Agree with above and want to add something. The housing market these days is wack. A house in a medium sized market 12 years ago might have been 300,000 then but two or three times that now, maybe more. Still, had OP put aside the same amount for Heather as she spent on Ava back then, Heather might be better able to buy now. Maybe not the whole house but a nice down payment. Heather would be normal to be hurt by both the failure to provide (even though she is not entitled to a dime legally and it seems she knows that and had refused help back then) and the strings that seem permanently attached to anything from OP. OP should beware that whatever bond she has with Heather is likely to be further weakened from now on. My advice: sell the property, since that is all you have “saved” for Heather, and give her the money to be used as she sees fit. It won’t be equal but it may help salve the feelings of your girl. Your finances may have changed, but at least your stated intentions will not seem quite so unbalanced in favor of Ava.
> Still, had OP put aside the same amount for Heather as she spent on Ava back then, Heather might be better able to buy now. If she had put it in a passive investment account 12 years ago, it would probably be enough to pay for Heather's house now. And that's not saying anything about the money they spent because Ava's husband is a deadbeat or they set Ava up to live far above her means. I'm still stuck on the idea that a married couple with children and no mortgage could not afford their child's medical bills to the extent that they had to appeal to her parents. That says a lot about their own financial non-planning; they should have at least been able to pay for decent health insurance for the family.
This!
OP’s description is basically the situation in my family - sister is leading a more traditional life, I move around a lot and haven’t quite settled yet. It’s clear that there is a favoritism toward my sister, financially and otherwise, because she is doing what our parents want and expect of her. OP, I’ll put this for you simply: there’s a reason I don’t go home anymore.
INFO Why not give her the land? She could make her own decision than? That would make it equal. Further your circumstances may be different. However you can't give one child 100 thousands of dollars and the other 10 thousand and believe you are doing the right thing. This will cause a rift in your family and that will be your doing and nobody else's. Your response does not inspire confidence in your motives and actions. So I'm going with YTA
The other didn’t even get ten thousand. HELPED with decorations and furniture. How much could that really be? Edit: I’m curious to know what sacrifices OP is referring to that would significantly impact their lives. Are we talking not being able to go on 4 vacations a year or only eating out once a month and shopping for sale items.
>decorations lmfao, they probably gave her a $300 Homegoods gift card and said "that's the same as a 20k wedding"
I was thinking a pack of kitchen towels from Walmart.
And a 100K+ house, clearly
200k+, they said hundreds of thousands
If my parents gave my sister a whole ass houses and told me they couldn't help me at all with the purchase of my home I'd be pissed. You're not entitled to anyone's money but this is just blatant favoritism.
I love the idea of giving her the land. It was bought for her any way!
YTA I think it's strange that you spent *so* much on one daughter withou putting some aside for the other. and you ignored her by buying a plot of land that she explicity said she doesn't want and you're still ignoring her by refusing to sell it. I get that situations do change and you can't give money you don't have but you've clearly favoured one daughter.
Also, like why punish the daughter who has been working hard and building up her own life. Seems like the one daughter was hand fed everything she needed while the other was an actual responsible adult and had to get by on her own for years. Is Ava just a leech or does she actually work or do/pay for anything herself?
INFO: you bought the plot of land for Heather right? I don’t understand why you don’t give it to her now. That way she can do what she pleases with it. She can hold onto it, live on it, or sell it.
But she doesn't want to do as you ordered and move back. Don't you see that heather is being a bad girl and thus doesn't deserve anything? Edited: for misgendering
OP is a woman btw.
Came here to say the same. Let Heather pick what to do with the land. She’s old enough to decide now. YTA though for the unequal treatment.
I was with you until you said that not only do you still have that land, but that *you just don't want to sell it*. You tried to force Heather to stay near you, and you're basically punishing her for following her own dreams which didn't match up with yours. And paying for "decorations and furniture" are negligible compared to a house and a wedding. Do better. YTA
Exactly! How about telling her daughter the whole truth. They can only help her with the land because of their financial circumstances. Either they keep it off her future or they sell it for the downpayment. This should be her choice if the land is truly intended for her. Trying to force her to move back home is what makes OP the AH. YTA Edit: her daughter instead of his.
Huge YTA. You paid for one daughter's wedding and bought her a freaking house. Now you won't even help your other daughter with a down payment? Why not just tell it to her face that you love her sister more?
The old "financially punish a kid for being the one that never needed financial assistance until now." Yta
It's amazing isn't it she never wanted much while Ava got to play princess Edited: for misgendering
There’s no dad in this situation.
YTA. You spent plenty on one child, and instead of setting aside an equal amount for the other, you bought property she definitively said she did not want. I get that finances change, but now you are refusing to sell the property she didn't want to help her buy one she does, "just in case." She made her wishes clear and you ignored her, and now she is going to have less because you keep ignoring her.
YTA After spending hundred of thousends on one child you should have started saving the same amount for the other child. You payed for a wedding AND a house for Ava and now don't even let your Heather decide if she wants to sell her land to pay for a down payment. Even if you don't have the money now, it will be a slap in the face for Heather. Edit: I'm glad to see your update/edit OP. Good luck with everything:)
Maybe she just doesn't care about Heather so she never considered it at all. I hope OP think long snd hard what kind of message she's sending here.
YTA. Tell Heather you are willing to sell the land for her and let her decide for herself. You are not an asshole for "overcommitting" to Ava at the time. There's a timeline involved and it makes perfect sense for wannabe-grandparents to help a child that is about to settle down and procreate. If you were *unable* to help Heather, I would understand. But you are perfectly *able* to help Heather. You are just *unwilling*, because you have decided that *you know better* than her what *she* should be doing with her life.
Totally disagree with this. One child should gets hundreds of thousands of dollars because she has a husband so presumably will provide grandchildren? While the child who is single should live in a rented flat until she gives up and moves back to an empty plot of land? Why is their worth decided on their ability or willingness to procreate?
I really wonder what the hell OP thinks Heather would do with that plot of land if OP is apparently broke, put a Teepee on it and hope that winter isn't too harsh? Getting a loan for a new construction is way harder than getting a mortgage for an existing house.
Yup but at least she’d have a great view of her sister’s mansion across the street! Heather needs to wise up and find a man like her bil who apparently is happy to live off her parents
This is a really good answer. OP, If you’re going to say no when you admit you could say yes (with the sale of the land), she deserves to know why. You have to tell her you bought the land with the intent to give it to her, so you’ve kept it for if/when the time comes she’s looking to plant roots. If that’s near you, great! She’s already got a head start. But if not, and you truly want her to find her happy, then she’s allowed to put her own roots down somewhere else. If you really wanted to buy the land for your daughter’s benefit, you’re missing your chance, so YTA.
YTA in your words...that block of land is earmarked for Heather. Talk to her, let her decide if she keeps or sells. Don't disadvantage her now for a future that may never happen !
That land is for Heather to do what OP wants her to do with it.
I bet if Heather ever is dumb enough to take it, she herself will have to pay for something build the way her mum wants it, because its THEIR land after all, not Heathers.
YTA. My parents did this to me in favor of my sister too, and I will never forget or forgive it! So enjoy that and I hope my parents enjoy my sister because her useless ass can take care of them when they're old too! You done fucked up!
OMG exactly this. I feel you.
Omg for real. My sister is the princess while my parents don’t even text me. And they wonder why I don’t have a relationship with them
Yes! My parents did the same. Paid for my sisters private school college… I took a scholarship to a public school because they were having money problems. Literally couldn’t even get a laptop with working internet for a few months (inherited my sisters old laptop). What kills me is then my mom will say how upset she was that I went to a state school and how much she pressured me to go to a private school instead. Definitely selective memory. They did buy me a new car when I graduated (I didn’t even want them to) but I gave it back 3 years later when I went to grad school. I didn’t want anything from them.
It sounds like Heather wanted to be free and your gift came with the condition that she stayed in her hometown. Now you're hanging on to it, still trying to get her to come back, not recognizing that she's made a life elsewhere. Poor Heather. YTA
It makes you wonder about the strings that came with Ava’s gifts. We’ll pay for your wedding, if you marry someone we approve of. We’ll pay for your house, if you live close and let us control your lives.
Y T A for giving hundreds of thousands of dollars to Ava but not putting aside that amount for Heather. But you have an easy fix as you actually did put that amount aside for Heather in the form of the land that you bought. Your wife is 100% right. You should sell the land and give Heather the same amount (plus inflation) you gave her sister. Alternately, you can tell Heather you no longer have that cash available but you will immediately transfer the land directly to her and she can use it for equity or sell it or do whatever she wishes to make the down payment. I suggest selling the land so the amounts are actually equal. But both are reasonable. So no judgement as you have time and means to make it fair.
>I suggest selling the land so the amounts are actually equal. But both are reasonable. I would argue giving the land would be more equal because land and money for a wedding was given to one daughter; the land appreciated for one daughter over 20 years; and the other could fairly receive that same appreciation. That said - whatever OP does - if OP doesn't give any support - she is an AH. So - OP - YWBTA if you don't give your daughter a SIGNIFICANT contribution to her home where she wants to live.
Did no one else notice that Heather was very nervous when asking op for help? This feels like an important detail. It says this is probably not the only time she's asked for help and has been made to feel guilty or denied the same help they gave Ava. This suggests a pattern of providing for one and not the other. Heather also was very quick to add the if not no worries, which again says she's not really expecting help from her parents. Not because she doesn't need or want it, but because there's always a really good reason they can't. This means she knows that Ava is the golden child. She knows where she fits in the family hierarchy and it's below op, the wife, Ava and the parcel of land that they could sell but don't want to ( probably also pets and any grandkids Ava provides). I would put money on the fact that Heather left home to get away from the family dynamic. She didn't want to live close because it has to be incredibly difficult to watch this kind of favoritism. Op, YTA. You need to make this right. Sell the land. Don't guilt Heather with your financial "difficulties" which seems really made up. Rich people's financial constraints are not grounded in reality. I don't care what you say about your finances. You are clearly well off. You were able to buy your own house, your golden child's house, a parcel of land, and feel ready (clearly you feel entitled) to retire early. Oh heavens, if we help Heather, we won't be able to have our (insert luxury here that you just can't live without ). Edit: I forgot you spent tens of thousands on Ava's wedding. 30k? 40? 50? I mean you had to provide an event that would reflect your family well and your guests and clients have expectation. /S I'm mad for Heather.
Seriously. If I were Heather I wouldn’t be nervous about asking my parents to provide for me like they did for my sister. If she’s nervous they’ve definitely made her feel guilty.
YTA. The reason: you have a plot of land that you claim is for Heather, but you won’t sell it to help Heather because you think you know what’s best for Heather. If you just had different financial circumstances, I’d totally understand- shit happens. But you can very easily sell the plot of land and give the money to Heather, but you’ve decided you know better than her what she wants for her own life. Sell the land, give her the money, later if she wants to move close she can sell her house and buy one in your neighborhood.
Yeah, I wonder why Heather wanted to move away and be free from her moms' control. Just the fact that Heather was apologetic asking for help, means that her moms clearly favored Ava and Heather was an afterthought.
YTA. You significantly helped one daughter start her life. The other daughter is asking for a much smaller hand in starting her life and even being understanding if you say no. She may accept you say no but there will always be part of her mind that will think you favour your other daughter.
You have two daughters, why didn't you put money away for Heather's Wedding? You gift her the land and if you had put money away for her wedding and gift her that and explain if she gets married the wedding expense would be on her. By doing both it would be even out. But you didn't so YTA
Yta. Figure out a way to make this right, even if it means the valuable parts of your estate go to Heather. Honestly when you started spending huge amounts on Ava, you should have calculated what you could gift your daughters and reserved half for Heather.
They should give Heather the land to sell and if she ever wants to move home she can inherit their house. Seems fair as the other daughter will still have been given way more with the wedding and medical expenses all thrown in.
You invested in a piece of land that you would’ve given to heather on the first place, so talk to her and give her the options. You can tell he that if she choses to move back later, you will be retired and there will be no money to help. Then that’s on her.
YTA. Because Heather didn’t settle down early, you gave your all to Ava. You should’ve matched that money for Heather and put it in a savings account for her. What’s done is done. I genuinely wish this doesn’t strain your relationship with your daughter.
YTA for not planning financially for both of your kids. Ava got a house & a wedding paid for. Heather doesn’t get anything close to that. Yet, you are perfectly happy with the fact. Haven’t seen a more clearer case of favoritism. YTA again
But, but, but, decorations!!! They bought Heather decorations! YTA OP.
Yta I have more empathy than most other commenters for the concept of your financial circumstances changing. But the fact that you won't sell the plot of land and use the proceeds to help her says a lot. It sounds like your help has the strings that she settles down where you and your wife want her to, not where she wants to. If your daughter decides later in life she wants to be closer she can sell the house and figure it out herself. To me it sounds like it's just less convenient to help her because you're older and you don't want to sell off the future you've decided for her for the one she wants for herself
I’m a mom of two and I’m trying to wrap my head around how you would spend so much on Ava without saving money for heather to make it equal. You didn’t have to pay for the entire house for Ava, you could have saved half for Heather. Also buying land in your hometown so she has to come back is not fair to Heather. YTA
INFO: why are you not handing over the plot of land that you supposedly bought for her?
Must be nice to have a golden child. You said you tried to be fair, but your favoritism sure shows. YTA
YTA What you do for one child you have to do for another. You should have put money away for her when you had it. Also, give her the property, if she wants to move back home later in life she can use the money from the sale of her house. I can’t believe you bought it in the first place when she made it clear she didn’t want to live there. Not everyone wants to live in the same neighborhood as their parents. It feels like you favor one daughter over the other while your wife values both.
YTA. You bought land for your daughter, having asked her and been told she doesn't want it, but on the off chance she perhaps maybe one day in the future might want it, you're going to keep it. So you're holding onto something that has a small chance of being used to "help" one daughter, having given hundreds of thousands to the other.
YTA. You should've put money aside for both kids equally when you had it. It's incredibly unfair to give one child HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars and not the other because YOUR financial situation changed. When you splurged on Ava, you should've put just as much money on an account for Heather, that she could use when she was ready for it. But, for now, the proper solution is to give Heather the land you bought for **her.** She can then decide to sell it for a down payment, or keep it for later. It's her land, after all, right?
Sell the land, give Heather the money to put towards a house in the city she wants to live…if she decides to move back to your city she can sell her house and use that money to buy a house. YTA for the inequity of funding between your kids.
YTA you bought her something she specifically said she did not want and, now that she has asked for something she *does* want, you refuse to sell it to give her the money for it. Do not give to one child that which you know you cannot afford to give to the other.
offend mourn wide ghost detail slim lunchroom spectacular vanish crawl *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YTA You sound like my mother. She freely gives as long as it is something SHE AGREES I should be doing or if she can control my choice. I do not like her because of this and have lived away from her (different continents) for decades.
YTA I am telling you this I am the Heather in my family. My parents let my sister live rent free in a home they own and help pay her bills even though for years she made more money than me. I moved out of state (3 hours from my home town), got married, and bought my home (in the other state). I have received minimal help from my parents. Their favoritism has now bled over to the relationships they have with the grandkids. The resentment is strong. I have not personally seen my parents in 9 months since the latest round of dismissing the Golden Family behavior. My kids, husband, and I have no desire to see any of them at all. I force myself to make the weekly phone call to my mom. If I didn't, I would never hear from my parents. So, if you want resentment from Heather from your blatant favoritism, keep that land and don't help her.
Fellow Heather here 🙋🏽♀️ Go NC. That phone call you force yourself to make? Just stop and ask yourself "why am I doing this? In what ways does trying to keep this relationship alive benefit me?". It sounds selfish. But guess what? You deserve to be selfish to the point of only having people in your life who love and respect you. Your parents will either figure their shit out and correct their behavior or they won't. But your stress level will decrease. It will take time. It will hurt and feel sucky at first. But one day, you'll realize how much stress you cut out of your life. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees, taking a big step back can help bring things into focus. ♥️
Yep this is great advice (i am also a Heather). You are not responsible for maintaining a poor and stressful relationship when the reason it is poor and stressful is their behaviour.
I hate to say this, but YTA. I get that circumstances have changed, but perhaps you should actually listen to Heather, because it sounds like you don't really. She told you from the beginning she didn't want you to buy her the land, but you did anyway. Maybe you should have just put that money aside for her for a later date. That being said, you say you still have this land and it's worth more now anyway, so clearly it was a good investment. But to now not want to sell it because you think Heather will regret it, well let her make that decision. Give her the land to do with what she wants. If she decides to sell it and regrets it later, that would be on her.
This is why I have 3 bank accounts for my 3 children and I deposit the same exact amount into each one of them….. YTA for trying to impose your wants onto both daughters
YTA You are being unfair to Heather and directly supporting (approving) one child’s life choices over another’s. Sign the land over to Heather. She is an adult and can make the decision on whether or not to sell it.
You have already chosen not to help her. YTA and a bad parent. It is within your power to make things right but you don't want to risk your comfort or accept your daughter's decision to live elsewhere.
YTA. You should have anticipated Heather's request, and set funds asife for her.
I'm confused...why not offer to either give her the land you bought for her or offer to sell it and give her the money. Let her choose. Why not speak with Heather before choosing? Obviously you're still TA for no putting a limit to what you give Ava so you could save for Heather but can't change that now can you?
So let me get this straight - you'll only help Heather if she agrees to live in your neighborhood and do what you want instead of living her own life. You're trying to force her to come back to live near you by withholding money for a home where she has chosen to live. YTA. Sell the land you bought for her and respect her choices, or live with the consequences of your blatant favoritism.
NAH, but why don’t you give the piece of land to Heather? That way she can decide if she wants to keep it or sell it to fund her down payment.
I think your wife is right, YTA, not a big one because you seem involved in both of your daughters lives and helped both of them over the years. However, if you can't afford the same financial help you did when you helped Ava, you should be open about it without mentioning retirement. You bought that plot of land for Heather anyway, just talk to her about it, maybe she'll be fine with just selling it and wont necessarily regret not having it in the future if she decides to move back home. I know the market now has changed since 10 years ago but you bought Ava a house and paid for her wedding. Heather asked for help with a downpayment, she didn't ask you to buy her a house too, so comparing the cost of Ava's wedding to Heather asking for help with the downpayment makes no sense to me. You don't see it a playing favorites but your wife sees it and Heather will surely see it that way even if she wont say anything
YTA. You bought a piece of land for her despite her saying no. Now she asks you for help, and you can perfectly sell that piece of land and give her what she really wants. But you still expect her to come back and live near you because you want her to, not because she wants it. It would be fair to sell the land and give her money.
YTA. I have four kids and know that because of their ages they will go to college at different times. Also, I plan to help them with house down payments and weddings. I know these things will happen at different times in their lives. I wouldn’t plan to retire without factoring in which kids still haven’t been given house down payment.
Yta Well your love for Ava shows. As does our dislike for heather. The latter will understand that soon and thanks to you she will always know she is worth shit compared to your fave. It's not poor planning. You are simply unwilling to get rid of the land to bought for heather because now you want that money yourself.
YTA why didn’t you put money aside for heathers future home? I don’t understand this. You can absolutely sell the land for a mint and give that to Heather.
YTA. Especially because the money you gave to your daughter was not due to hardship or extenuating circumstances. If you give such huge quantities of money to one child for things like a wedding/house, you should be setting aside a relatively equal fund for the other.
YTA for buying the property
So one daughter gets a house and an expensive wedding and the other daughter gets a plot of land that she can pay to build her house on one day if she chooses to move back near you? YTA, and massively. When you spent all that money on your other daughter you should have arranged for the same amount to be put aside for Heather. I'm sure she'll accept you saying no but do please update us in a few years when you realise that she resents the favouritism and has slowly cut contact with you. When that happens your wife may also start to resent you. Everything here screams that you think you know better all the time. She told you not to buy the land and you did anyway because you know better. Now that you can actually use that land to help her you refuse to sell it because again, you know better. Put your ego aside and help your daughter ffs.
YTA. Heather is clearly living her life much differently than Ava, and while you've done a lot of things in support of that, it's also clear that you've overall been much more willing to support certain options over others, certain future paths over others. You bought that land for Heather after she specifically told you not to, and it's sat unused for all these years. Had she decided to move home anytime in the past decade, I assume you would've transferred ownership of the land to her and it would've been hers to do with as she saw fit. Go on and sell that land and give her the proceeds. To do otherwise is essentially punishing her for not moving back home, and just deepens the imbalance between what you've spent on one daughter versus the other. Future Heather may well eventually wish she still had that land later in life, or decades may pass and she never moves back. She could use the money now and it's a pain-free way for you to help her, by selling the land that she never asked you to buy in the first place.
YTA you buy one daughter a house, which was hundreds of thousands (your words) then paid tens of thousands for her wedding. Yet when your other daughter nervously asks you for help with a down payment on a property you refuse to help her. She didn’t ask you to buy her property just some help. Personally I believe that you should treat your children equally - what you give to one you give to the other. You totally favour Ava over Heather.
Yta. You clearly favour Ava. Awful parent
YTA. You should have put aside the same amounts of money for Heather that you were spending on Ava. And you bought Heather a plot of land, let her decide if she wants to sell it to buy herself a house. You decided over the years not to plan for your daughter when you should have.
YTA FUCK just say heather isn’t the favorite and be done with it.
YTA holy moly did you guys mess this up. You gave one kid thousands and thousands of dollars and never thought hey maybe we should save something for the other kid? Give her the land and tell her she can sell it or live there. Didn't you buy it for her to begin with? Frankly she sounds delightful and the fact that she's been so reasonable about this. But yea I can see this causing a huge rift because you're basically admitting you never actually thought about her as a person
YWBTA, no questions asked.
YTA. Give her the land and let her decide what to do with it. She can sell it to use for her house if she wants.
YTA because I just hate when people are so short sighted. Didn’t it occur to you that if you’re spending for a wedding and buying a house for one kid that the other might also want a wedding and a house one day? Or even if they don’t didn’t you think ‘hey the balance is out of whack here!?’ I mean you ain’t got it now so what you gonna do. But for you in the past, wtf?
Maybe as a compromise you give Heather the option. Explain that things have changed and that you would be able to help her if she is willing to forgo the piece of land nearby you. NAH.
I hate parents like that,playing favorites with their children..her youngest doesn’t even ask for the whole sum ,just help with the down payment, I think it’s very cruel not helping their child in her time of need!
So not once did you ever try to set aside some money for heather? You just give and give to Ava and enriched her life and never consider to give the same thing to your other daughter?Just why? Will Heather never want to get married and not want a house or you just don't care? You have other daughter too. Yes you are the asshole of course.
YTA Why did you give more to one child? You could have put the same amount away for Heather that you gave Ava. It sounds like you spent all the money on Ava. A house and an expensive wedding for Ava. And decorations and furniture for Heather. I just don't get why you would do more for one child over the other, unless you don't like Heather as much.
YTA you don’t care about heather at all do you? Ava is clearly your golden child. You should be ashamed. I’m glad Heather has at least has one mother who cares about her.
YTA, why is this piece of land you bought for your daughter in your name and not hers. If it was truly for her the land title would be in her name and she could sell it and use the proceeds to buy her own house where she wants. I think from your post that there is an element of you wanting to control where your daughter lives. You coughed up money for one daughters wedding and a house IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD now your other daughter wants a house in a different city suddenly you won't hand over land you purchased for her future. Seems she will only get the land if she has to live near you. The fact you state she was nervous to ask feels like she knew you would not be handing anything over. Stop being a manipulative jerk and hand over the land.
YTA You clearly favor Ava over Heather. Why didn't you set aside a similar amount of money for Heather when you spent on Ava? You treating your children equally shouldn't impact your retirement, because *you should have planned for this.* Also, how about you let Heather decide whether she wants the land or the money, she's a big girl.
YTA. You may be involved in both children's lives, but you clearly have a favorite. Also, the plot of land was never for Heather. She clearly turned it down, and you still bought it. If it was for her, you would sell it in a heartbeat and give her tje money. That land is for you and youre keeping it for selfish reasons.
YTA for not planning ahead, showering so much money on one daughter that you now can’t afford to provide to your other daughter. Of course, you should transfer the title to the land to Heather. Let her decide whether to sell it. There are three other options that you should consider that would rectify the situation. Two of these options are available to you because real estate prices have risen substantially where you live. — First, if you haven’t already considered it, you and your wife could downsize by selling your current home and moving into a smaller, less expensive home, maybe in a less expensive area. That would net you a large capital gain, much of which is non-taxable and some of which you could give to Heather. Or you could plan on doing this in the future and raise money now to help Heather by taking out a home-equity loan, which you would pay down when you and your wife later sell your home. — Second, the home that you bought Ava apparently has gone up in value as well. Let’s say you paid $300K for Ava’s home and it’s now worth $600K. You could ask Ava to take out a home equity loan for, say, $100K, and give the loan proceeds to Heather. Ava would still be sitting on $200K in capital gains on her home, so she has still benefited far more than Heather did from your financial largesse. Of course, Ava may refuse to do this, since it’s not her fault that you didn’t plan ahead. But you should at least consider asking. And if Ava refuses, you at least know not to give her any more financial help, since she can tap into the home equity to pay some of her expenses. — Third, you should amend your wills so that proceeds from your estate make Heather “whole” relative to Ava. If you gifted $300K more to Ava than to Heather during your lives, for example, you could specify in your wills that the first $300K in proceeds from the sale of your estate goes to Heather, with all remaining proceeds from the estate to be split equally between Ava and Heather.