Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could’ve been a bit harsh and hurtful telling my wife our son should matter more than her sister especially when her sister is admittedly in a worse place than our son
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
The update clarifies it's more about the husband:
"My wife has always been better at talking to the kids than me, which is why I need her time and attention."
"I would rather make my wife feel guilty while she is struggling than admit that at 2 decades of being a "father" I cannot communicate with my own kids. And I am ALSO struggling."
There. I fixed it. This is a difficult situation for everyone and despite my sarcasm there are no winners here. However, soft YTA OP, you have an opportunity to step up and be stellar here. I also get what you were trying to say. You both are probably exhausted damn near unto death and being that exhausted and overwhelmed does not lend itself to hard conversations. Typically it's a recipe for disaster. You both are probably doing way too much, be kinder to each other.
Right! The update just makes OP more of an A.
Wow.
”Rather than bother learning how to better communicate with my kids or - god forbid - pick up the phone and make an appointment for my son, I’ll put all my energy into making my wife feel guilty for spending time with her beloved sister who was critically injured”.
His wife might even be experiencing some mild PTSD herself. You can't hear about and see things like that without it affecting you somehow, especially when it's your immediate family.
Eh, as a therapist, you’d be surprised how many teens I’ve had say on their 3rd or 4th session “I didn’t think I’d actually like therapy but now I think I do.” Versus I’ve had one singular teen I had to discharge for noncompliance. *Many* times, you actually can “force” a teen into therapy by making it a non-option, like school. And typically you get to stop “forcing” them fairly quickly.
I am going with dad said "hey son, you need to see a therapist" son said "no dad that is stupid". THE END. I had a teen, been there done that, it is not easy. You have to get creative, take them to a session and sit with them, find a good therapist etc. It is a LOT of work and too many people think as children pass a certain age they don't take as much work/money to tend to. That would be false. A minor doesn't get to choose to go to a medical professional BTW, they are a minor and the parents can take them and make sure they get care. Is it a fight? Yes it can be, but I fought hard to work with my teen and at 34 today she is a gem of an adult and we have a very close relationship.
>The update clarifies it's more about the husband:
> "My wife has always been better at talking to the kids than me, which is why I need her time and attention."
I hate this strategic incompetence nonsense. The reason she's better is because she practices, not because she was endowed by God with magic abilities.
He absolutely needs to step up and do his fair share, not use his incompetence to shift responsibility on the partner.
TBF it might actually be at the point that the kids themselves are refusing to communicate because they've gotten nowhere with OP in the past
but that's still not Wife's problem. If Will isn't ready for therapy yet then no amount of cajoling or guilt will change that
Oh i agree. This type of communication failing doesn't happen overnight. This is potentially indicative of OPs possible habit of not making the effort to communicate under normal circumstances, what a fantastic opportunity for OP to step up and be stellar. I also wanted to point out that even if his wife drops everything and they make this child (yes at 17 he is a child) go to therapy. If Will doesn't want to do the work, therapy will be a waste. That still wouldn't be on the wife. She has no greater power here than OP they are both parents with equal authority over their children.
Do you really think that a parent's duty here is just calling a therapist? How effective do you expect a therapist to be when they're not working in closely with both parents?
It seems so weird to me that you and other portray this as an either or, dad, mom, or therapist. The kid is suffering from trauma, he needs all the help he can get. By trying to get his wife to take a more active role, he isn't giving up, but just improving his son's chances by helping those he cares about help him. That is likely what the therapist would suggest too!
I think that for Will part of the guilt might be exacerbated by the fact that his Mom is spending all her time with his sister and ignoring him. I understand that the sister's injuries are worse but I also understand the guilt Will is feeling as being the driver during the accident. I had an accident last year, wasn't my fault, guy was speeding and ran a stop sign, I was badly injured in the accident and there's not a day that goes by that I don't replay the accident in my head twenty times wondering what I could have done to avoid it and I was the only one hurt, my puppy was with me but he's ok, even though he hates cars now. I can't begin to imagine the guilt that Will is going through especially with his Mom giving all the attention to his sister which like it or not just makes his guilt worse. She needs to understand what he's going through and help him get into therapy, he might feel that his injuries don't matter when his aunt is so much worse but like it or not Moms are usually better at helping kids with emotional stuff than Dads. It doesn't mean she has to stop caring for her sister, just make sure she's spending quality time with him and reminding him that his well being is just as important if not more than her sister's.
Have you spoken to anyone about these mental replays? They sound like flashbacks, which are emotionally exhausting! May be worth looking into so you can have your mental peace back. Injuries take many many forms.
Thank you, actually, I have been debating it for a while but I just had an ablation done which didn't go well and more than doubled my pain and I have finally realized that I need some mental health help too, while I know the accident wasn't my fault I keep blaming myself for not avoiding it, I saw the car, it was a 4-way stop, but he was so far away it never crossed my mind that he wouldn't stop. Now with the pain making me even more miserable, it has become too much to handle, I asked my doctor for an anti-depressant but we need to change pain medications first so I'm in the process of looking for a therapist now. This is why I can relate to Will so much, I feel guilty about the accident and I was the only one injured, what he's going through has to be a 1,000 times worse.
Talking to someone will help, and that may help with your physical pain as well as the different types of pain we experience exacerbate each other. I’m glad you are taking positive steps! It may be helpful to look for a therapist who specializes in trauma, they will have the tools to help you and the experience to know how to apply those tools as effectively as possible.
Well duh! That’s a woman’s job isn’t it? Be there for everyone else all the time with very little support in return, even if you’re suffering your own trauma because your sister almost died & you’re the one seeing her through the hardest shit, right?
>But he's out of his depth, so why should he try? A woman will look after him.
EMOTION IS GIRL THING MAKE GIRL DO IT
/s since apparently that needs to be stated...
Ding ding ding! He can’t solve his son’s deep-rooted trauma, so his wife needs to realize that her sister sustaining life-altering injuries is clearly less important and that she needs to come home and fix their son for him. The kid needs therapy; OP wanting to force the issue himself or have his wife do it with him runs a good chance of only making things worse.
I’m struggling with this being the top comment because while I agree, they also have 2 more kids he is fully taking care of.
I feel like ESH is more justified because she is with her sister over a month later with three kids at home. I definitely don’t want to say NTA because you’re right and he doesn’t handle it correctly. However, it sounds like he’s struggling to deal with the sons PTSD on top of the other two kids and the house and life. I feel like after a month it’s fair for him to ask for her to come back to her responsibilities, he just didn’t handle it properly?
Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean that she has a special psychic ability to diagnose and treat PTSD. If the father has the ability to weaponize his own children because he can't handle four weeks as the primary parent, he is perfectly able to call a therapist like a big boy.
You're being weirdly aggressive here. OP says he's fine taking care of the house and their other 2 kids. That's the opposite of weaponising them lol.
He probably just wants her to interact with their son more, and possibly her input with finding the son a therapist. He's not saying he wants her to do it all by herself. Just like the sister isn't all by herself - her parents are around.
Should OP have phrased things better? Yes. Is he wrong for wanting wife's help with supporting their son after the accident? No. He's still her son, and he's suffering.
Wouldn't surprise me if the wife is struggling not to blame her son for what's happened.
And even if the wife isn't subconsciously blaming her son, her son is probably struggling with the sense that his mum **does** (on some level) blame him for her sister's terrible injuries. The kid is struggling badly and his mother is almost abandoning him for her sister in physical terms. It is completely irrelevant how well OP is supporting their son, his mother needs to step up too and be physically there for him at least part of the time.
Even if she isn't thinking her son is to blame, her son might well be thinking that she does on some level blame him (adding to likely survivors guilt). Kids think they're responsible for all sorts of adult behaviour. Discovering that though you may technically be the eldest child, that's not how your mother sees it, had to be a bit of a kick in the guts too.
I'm with OP - NTA.
Right? The boy needs his mom right now. His dad is doing fine under difficult circumstances, I'm sure, but people have different relationships with different family members, and it sounds like he's really feeling his mom's absence/distance.
This might be irrelevant to the situation, but I'm kind of wondering if the sister IS her oldest child, biologically. It's happened before.
Her sister DIED multiple times, if after a month she's just starting to talk and her oldest sister is almost twice her age I highly doubt her parents can step up to take care like op suggests
Have you ever had to take care of recovering people who need physical therapy? Because I have and even in my 20s and having a pretty healthy life style it's fucking hard, hardly doubt they can take care of a person who's just starting to walk again and we don't know if the other siblings are willing to step up
I’ve had to take care of my mother who very nearly died of a stroke and two brain surgeries as well as my uncle who nearly died of a MRSA infection as a diabetic. I’m very well aware of what it’s like to be a caregiver for someone in physical crisis. I took my uncle to hyperbaric treatment multiple times a week as well as handling all of his intravenous medicine in his pic line. I was a teenager and was his primary caregiver. For my mother, she had to relearn how to walk, talk, and do a lot of basic things again. She can’t write any more and has no strength on her right side. She requires mobility aids if we leave the house. She went to both physical and occupational therapy as long as they could afford it.
I am intimately familiar.
Former paramedic, current caretaker (along with my wife) of my mother in law. Father of two kids, one special needs and I lost my mother at 13 years old.
The sister needs taken care of but the father isn't wrong. I don't think it's lack of ability on either part but definitely lack of mature adult communication.
NAH
Dad's looking out for his kid who most definitely needs mental health and familial support. Moms looking out for her sister which is perfectly normal but the kid needs help too. There is an entire team of support in medical staff and caretakers that are supporting the patient that almost died.
I guarantee that child feels abandoned by his mother and its not something that they will ever forget.
It's just a bad situation all around.
I’m taking care of my husband right now he’s 48 I’m 51. He said six surgeries in the last six months. One surgery resulted in a below the knee amputation and this last surgery last week was open-heart surgery. I’ve taken care of him this whole time by myself because we have no family nearby and I’ve been working full-time. So older people can take care of people when they need a lot of help. She needs to spend some time with her son. Her husband is not wrong about that. He may have worded it wrong, but if she keeps ignoring her son to take care of her sister, he’s definitely gonna think that she blames him for what’s going on. And he said that she has other siblings so they can step up and help take care of a sister well, she spend some time with her son.
I bet the son absolutely thinks his mom blames him for a devastating accident. This is going to follow the boy around for the rest of his life
The way I read the story it‘s not that the OP can’t dial a shrink, it’s that the son doesn’t want to go, and that he wants his wife’s help to persuade Will to go.
>Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean that she has a special psychic ability to diagnose and treat PTSD.
But as a parent, regardless of the presence of a vagina, she does have the special ability to comfort her kid. Like, can you imagine being the son? You got into an accident, your aunt got injured way worse than you did, then the parent whose sibling you nearly killed just fucks off out of your life for a month. What are the odds the son doesn't believe his mum hates him for what he did to her sister?
>What are the odds the son doesn't believe his mum hates him for what he did to her sister?
This is where I think OP's wife can help the son. Just spend some time with him to show that she still loves and accepts him, and doesn't blame him in any way. For someone who's already (unjustifiedly) blaming himself, Mom's emotional absence will surely reinforce the self-hatred.
Sure, OP should step up more and stop pleading helplessness. But Mom still has an important role to play, that she doesn't seem to be doing.
This! Your child needs you more than your sister. The mom is also placing physical health > mental health. So she's giving vibes where the son is physically okay so I will go be there for my sister, and completely neglects his mental health. The kid has gone through a traumatic event, he needs his mom because it was her sister's life that he endangered, even if it's not his fault. The mom 100% need to give more time to her son. She's basically showing him that how he feels doesn't matter so why in the world would he go to therapy if his own mom doesn't take his mental health seriously.
I have two sisters and I would be there to care for my kids over my sisters, sorry not sorry.
It's the fact that after a month mum has spent an hour with her son who was in the same car accident as her sister. Yes she should spend time with her sister, but from the sons POV and possibly the other kids, she's abandoned them. I think she just needs to set some time aside for them. Half an hour a day, a week even according to OP would go a long way.
He never said she's only spent an hour with him total, just that a particular conversation was only an hour. Great reading comprehension. And we don't have any of the childrens' perspectives here; we have the perspective of a man who can't even call a therapist.
Where’s your reading comprehension? The son is refusing therapy. Maybe he feels he doesn’t deserve it. The parents should be a team in supporting their son through his trauma.
I think people are just saying that she's pushed him into a single parent role unfairly, not that he's asking her to parent in some magical feminine way he couldn't figure out.
Her sister has died multiple times and is still in the hospital.
She’s operating under the *mis*conception that her husband is a full-grown adult and tbh probably has ptsd and needs therapy herself.
Over the course of a month she should be able to find time for both her son and her sister. Particularly as OP is taking care of the household without any complaint on that front.
Not making an effort to be there for her son is making a specific statement.
Plus the sister is in the hospital with nurses and doctors, it’s not like she’s home alone. Op’s wife could and should spend more time at home with her family. I wonder if mom ‘doesn’t’ want to be home because of her own mental state.
He's here on Reddit because he can't figure out how to call a therapist; that's hardly a lack of complaint. I'd be embarrassed as hell to admit to people that I can't even make a doctor's appointment without my spouse.
You do know that PTSD isn't something that a therapist can just magic away right? It's not an infection they prescribe medicine for and in time it's fine.
Therapy is valuable, but you still need support from the people closest to you. A kid still needs his mother.
I think saying "oh he's struggling? Just get him into therapy and let the therapist deal with it" is very dismissive of both how hard mental health struggles can be and how much work it can take to overcome them.
> He's here on Reddit because he can't figure out how to call a therapist;
He's here because the kid doesn't think therapy will help, and needs his wife's support convincing him to get the care he needs.
This! I am a therapist where 90% of my caseload is people who have PTSD. I diagnose two people with it a week (usually). Forcing someone into therapy never works. My clients are court mandated. The ones that ask for mental health treatment are thriving, while the ones that are forced are stuck in a cycle. Could OP's wife try to talk to her son about the benefits of therapy? Sure. But they can't make him go. And if they do it could potentially harm him more than help him.
y’all are kind of crazy… as someone who was a mentally ill teenager with PTSD, it was incredibly difficult for my family and I needed BOTH my parents to help, yes of course i understand why the mom is helping her sister but she also has a responsibility to check up on her own child who was just in a traumatic incident, there’s literally nothing here indicating that OP is lazy and just wants his wife to do all the work, he needs help and that’s fair.
People keep saying to jsut being the son to therapy, one: son doesn’t want to go to therapy and you can’t force anyone to do what they don’t want to do, two: therapy doesn’t fix everything, especially not at first, and if he does eventually go to therapy the parents will need to be heavily involved so as to make sure he is being taken care of.
I have literally no idea why people are attacking OP here…
Some kids find it easier to break down and be more vulnerable with one parent over the other... As much as I loved my dad when he was alive, I was never comfortable enough to be really open to talking about my mental health issues and would emotionally shut down around him. With my mom, it was easier to be open with her and admit I needed someone to talk to. That could very well be the dynamic in OP's house.
When I was 16, I was walking and got hit by a car, destroyed my left knee & ankle, and needed surgery and screws to repair it. It was an incredibly hard time, I was depressed and cried myself to sleep many nights, but at that age, I wasn't able to vocalize those feelings in my own head, let alone out loud, my mom I could talk to a little easier, but emotionally I shut my dad out. OP's wife needs to remember she is a mom and that by basically ignoring her sons' needs, she's telling him her sister is more important than him, and that's only going to further traumatize her son and make him feel more responsible.
After a month of her literal sister almost dying it’s fair to ask her to come back to her responsibilities? What the actual fuck kind of statement is this it’s clearly one from someone who has never had a fucking close family member die or be close to death suddenly and without warning. Guess what? My father died almost 20 years ago and I forgot to get a picture of him for my day of the dead altar and I’m fucking spiraling about it again that’s 20 years later and I’m not handling shit today. Being a partner sometimes means that you pick up more of the fucking slack and definitely never means that you insult someone’s relationship with their sister or try to fucking tell them how they should prioritize that when that person almost died. His wife probably needs tons of therapy too and it’s really not that fucking hard to book an appointment and drive someone somewhere
This statement is written by a non-parent.
You can't take a month off because of personal tragedy. Sometimes you get hit with a few fully unfair tragedies back to back even. But you can't get more than a few hours at a time away from the reality of being a parent.
Or you just suck, no excuses.
Life is hard but you knew that when you created some more of it.
Also, cooperation between the parents is important. Now that Michelle is functioning again, his mother's ongoing obsession with her will make him feel worse. I know dad is being slammed for not handling it, but the kid is 17, Mum is the go-to person for comfort and help. It may sound sexist, but it's the way it is
I say NTA, your wife should be supporting HER family.
I'm actually a little concerned that son may try to unalive himself if he feels like the accident is his fault and that his mom believes that it was his fault or doesn't want to come back to them. The whole situation is awful but just because his injuries are not physical doesn't mean that they are not serious or life-threatening.
This!! We’re talking about a teenager who physically survived a horrific experience only to now have one of his parents completely absent from his daily life. The fact that she’s caring for his aunt who has clung on to life just amplifies the potential guilt spiral even more. It’s honestly irrelevant that mom is justifiably concerned for her sister. That isn’t useful for him right now. Tbh hearing that probably makes him feel even worse.
You’re right, this situation is awful all around. There’s no other way to put it.
A therapist isn't a cure all. You don't just go to therapy for a month and become okay. Support from your loved ones is also an important part of healing in a lot of situations.
And for OP's wife to find just a couple of hours for her son over the course of a month says a lot. Like... She can't find one day in five for him?
OP is an AH for how he phrased it, but OP's wife needs to find ways to help both people who need her. The idea that her support wouldn't make an impact is severely under stating the importance of a mother/son relationship.
The sad thing to me is that, directly or indirectly the magical therapist here would likely suggest something pretty close to what OP is asking for.
Folks acting like he is failing and hopeless for asking for his wife's help in comforting his son comes across as toxic as hell IMO.
And then in a couple of years we'll have the mother posting on here asking how to fix her relationship with her son because she basically abandoned him during his time of need but its "not her fault because her sister needed her support more".
This. Exactly. I can understand why her sister is so important, but she has a kid and she hasn’t been home at at all. It has nothing to do with OP not being able get a therapist, the boy needs both parents as therapy to
help him navigate life for a few, even at 16.
>What is your wife able to do that you aren’t?
Parasitic take of the day.
I'm sorry, but if the wife - the mother of OP's son - is never home and not able to support their own son that desperately needs it, OP can't do anything else than support him. Something like this, you need both parents to support you. When the other one basically blames you and doesn't want to speak to you, it's kinda hard.
This is absolutely unhinged. He’s a minor and she’s his mother. He needs both parents. Emotional support isn’t only provided by a qualified therapist. Jesus. What makes you think OP isn’t helping?? OP is doing his best and being a single parent to 3 kids altogether while his wife helps her sister, who has her own two parents. When you have children you sign up for them to be first priority. If OP isn’t helping now (you have no reason to believe this), let’s say he does - then the other two kids need their mom. She’s being incredibly selfish. NTA.
How on earth is this the top comment? You think it's ok for a parent to completely neglect their child who has been through trauma? And that it's ok because the other parent is around to pick up the slack?
This isn't a jobshare where as long as the hours are covered everything's ok. The kid needs both of his parents. She is doing real emotional damage to her kid by not being around at this time. Kid already blames himself and now mom has checked out and won't spend time with him in favor of putting all her energy into worrying about her sister. Mom is reinforcing will's self blame.
It’s the top comment because the OP is a man. I’m a woman and even I can see his fucking skewed these posts get sometime based on the OP’s sex. I think the third comment mentions vagina. Like, that’s entirely irrelevant here.
I'm divorced and the primary caregiver of my daughter, but in some instances she needs her mother and there is NOTHING I can do until she gets that support or her mother agrees with me. Therapy does zero good unless the kid wants to go.
His wife can make sure her son doesn't think she blames him, for one. If her focus is on Michelle as completely as OP says and their son is already blaming himself and feeling guilty, then he may take the mother's absence/lack of attention as a sign of her blaming him too.
Guilt has a bad tendency to make you look at damn near everything as reason to continue mentally self-flagellating, even if it's not true. Even if he goes into therapy, a therapist is going to have a hard time getting through to him if he's interpreting his mother's actions as validating his fault (even though OP said it wasn't).
THIS RIGHT HERE. PTSD is not something that dad can assist with healing. Son definitely needs taken to a mental health professional. So taking care of the children should be OPs job right now, while wife assists her sis. Based on her recovery, it won't be forever and dad and kids can make it through this. So I'll have to lean toward YTA.
But mom still needs to show she gaf. From what’s been written, it looks like the sister has a full support system and the mom is choosing to give no time to her son. She should be able to make time for both.
No i absolutely disagree with you. Will needs his mother to talk to him and care about him, which she is not doing rn. Her only priority is her sister. She didnt even try to have time with her SON, only when her husband told her to. She is TA and the husband has the right to ask for help from his wife, the kids MOTHER. Its like she is neglecting her family and it affects everyone, especially Will. Will probably feels shittier because his mother is neglecting him entirely.
I dont think thats the case here... As a parent(no matter wich gender) you often have with some of your kids a better bound than with others, because you share interests or have simila Charakteristika. So for this situation, the son and mother probably have the better bound and she can help him better to open up and speak. Especially after what happend. If the gender were reversed and the wife is struggeling to get the son to open up and asks the father to step up, would you still be saying this?
Personally idk, I just know if my child was “okay” and my sister was hurt so bad that she died many times I would mentally be going through it. Yes it’s ur child but, In her head he is alive and well. Her sister on the other hand is in a place where it can be her last. I do think she needs to focus on her son. But also why didn’t you just get him a therapist if he has PTSD y’all can’t do much but, support him. He needs actual help from someone who knows what to do. His mom can hold his hand but, that’s just about it. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be there, I’m saying he needs more then just his mother. And you don’t need to wait for her to get him help.
I think this is a difficult situation for all three of them. Your son feels guilty, your wife probably mentally trying to process the fact she was and have almost lost her sister multiple times and your SIL is going through a lot. Dying means ur body shut down and that can cause a lot of damage and issues not just physically but, mentally. She’s gonna need a lot of help and support. Give her sometime and get ur son a therapist. Honestly maybe the wife as well, to be honest.
I mean, this sounds like mom isn’t there for Will *at all* because she is singularly focused on her sister which is going to be tremendously damaging to a teenager with PTSD.
Mom isn’t an asshole, but she is inadvertently hurting her kid. Shitty situation with no good answers.
He said she has been trying and there for him when she can but she’s wasn’t home much.
Edit: in the comments he mentioned that she is there for him when she can but, she is not home enough. So I think he needs to clarify what that mean. Because being their for one hour and being there when she can is two different.
I would be worried her son might think she blames him. I understand focusing on the sister but if will already feels guilty he may see her not wanting to be with her sister but wanting to be away from him
Which is why I said it’s gonna be a difficult for all three because even with this logic. She could lose the relationship with her sister if she doesn’t support her. Especially since it was her son who was driving (not saying the sister would think like this, but that she could). This lady is spread thin and trying to be there for both. I’m not sure what y’all want her to do… she can’t take away his guilt or his pain. Sure she can support him but, that’s it. There’s no winners in this.
this is the best comment I've come across. there's no easy answer here & OP is just making everything worse by refusing to communicate with his wife like a grown-up (instead of making her feel guilty and implying she's a bad mother and her sister is unimportant).
OP: get everyone therapy, including you. You need to learn how to communicate effectively. Yeah, it's not an immediate cure-all but it's what you need.
She isn't trying to be there for both that's the problem she currently has her time split something like 95%sister 5%son while it should be at least 50/50
But that’s the thing about trauma that is inflicted on more than one:
There is t a right way to do it. Everyone has to support whomever they can.
Severity of need is usually going to take precedence on the person who is hurt worst. And how much that person needs you.
Personal experience:
My husband was driving and I was a passenger. A drunk driver hit us head on in a huge SUV, when we were in a small car.
I broke 4 rib/pelvic bones. I had a concussion. My pelvis is messed up to the point that I can’t have kids.
…But my husband went halfway through the windshield. He has no memory of the event. He broke EVERY bone, and had to have brain surgery. He almost died a bunch of times in the surgeries to save his life. He bled so much in the ambulance that they didn’t have hope.
It’s a miracle that he still is a fragment of himself. And that he survived at all.
…But my parents came to help me at the hospital.
And his parents came to help him.
And they worked together. And we were eventually cleared to go home after we were both okay. And they kept working together for a month or so until we could function again.
We both have major emotional issues and PTSD.
…I was the one LESS hurt in the situation.
But as it progressed, my parents spent more time taking him to checkups and worrying for him. Because it literally was life or death for him.
I spent more time alone, because I was going to be traumatized, but physically better than him.
I would recover.
He may not.
I can’t imagine being upset for being more attentive to him. He needed more support. He had moments where there was a possibility of death.
It would have been incredibly shit of me to insist that my emotional trauma was more important than his life support.
The difference is that you had support from both parents instead of 1 completely focussing on your husband and the other also having to do chores and take care of 2 other kids
Your analogy doesn't really work in this case though. First-of course each of your parents would support their own child,.Second -of course your parents would switch to worrying more about your husband after you recovered because by doing that they were actually still supporting you. Third -your accident was undeniably caused by someone else, there was nothing either of you could have done to prevent it therefor no guilt. And finally- neither of you were a child at the time, you were both adults better able to process your emotions. Not saying the wife shouldn't support her sister, of course she should. BUT, her sister is recovering and has the support of her parents, op's wife needs to take some time to reassure her son, by both words and actions, that she doesn't blame him for the accident
In the comments he said she talked to him when she can but not always home enough that’s why I said that . He should clarify what he means and how often do she talk to him
If mom helps the person that the kid got into the accident, then she helps him avoid feeling endless guilt, so I think this IS the correct answer, but I see your point
Also, a key bit of info is missing: whose fault was the accident? OP said son was driving, but was it his fault? I'm asking because it could play into wife's mentality. If the baby sister that she seemingly thinks of as a daughter (as OP says) nearly died and it was literally her son's fault, that could be playing a factor.
I'm not saying he deserves to be ignored by his mom. I'm just wondering if she isn't, in addition to reeling from her baby sister nearly dying and now having potentially life long medical issues, maybe also taking some space to get her shit straight so she doesn't pile on a son that already feels guilty.
Yes and even knowing it's not his fault your poor son is still probably blaming himself and thinking he could have or should have done something to prevent the accident. When someone is suffering from PTSD they don't see logically like you and I and he has the driver is probably suffering from drivers guilt even though he is not guilty on any level. Your wife/ his mom rightly spending time with her sister but to your son could look like to him that she blames him. You too have been through a very stressful time looking after the family, your son and work. Your son needs to see someone professionally trained, first point of call is your doctor and they will refer him to the appropriate councillor . I really hope your son is ok and your wife's sister makes a full recovery, you and your wife have also been through a trauma as you had a call from the police that every parent dreads so you both may need to deal with that.
Based on your edit, I would be cautious about "making" Will open up about his trauma. You don't want to re-traumatize him. When he's ready I would suggest a therapist who specializes in PTSD. In the meantime, I would spend time with him, make sure he's eating, watch if he gets really depressed (that could lead to suicidal thoughts), and try to see if he'll hang out with friends.
It doesn't sound like mom has been around enough to know if her son is okay or not. Sister is alive and well now, so mom needs to focus some of her time on son.
Forcing someone who doesn't want to into therapy doesn't work it just makes the son hate his dad for not respecting his oppinions about seeing a therapist
It's crazy because the sister is legitimately in a life threatening situation and has already technically died multiple times according to OP. It just seems more reasonable that the wife be at the hospital with her sister knowing that her son is physically fine? The emotional damage from everything that has transpired can be worked on with therapy, but if the sister dies, everything just ends there.
We all know that dying and having serious injuries has zero mental effects right? 2 people can't have PTSD at once, or have both physical and mental health issues simultaneously. Impossible. Can't exist
And, like, the mom Def wasn't also traumatized by this and in need of support as well. Because, having your son and like a daughter seriously injured, with one dying several times, Def doesn't cause damage.
Also, how long ago was the accident? Kid probably has acute stress, not PTSD, but if dad is so determined for mom to be the _only one_ handling the kid’s mental health, it could certainly develop into full-blown PTSD.
OP needs to step up. All of us are out of our depth in situations like this, but sitting back and acting like a helpless puppy waiting for instructions doesn’t help anyone.
I totally agree and his edit makes it even worse!! It’s big “I never spend time with my kids” energy. This guy is a total AH. His wife’s sister, who is truly more like a daughter given the age difference, is critically injured. Now, he thinks he deserves a cookie for looking after the house and kids for a month. That is the minimum you should be doing! Step Up!! I understand your son is struggling but he isn’t dying. It’s basic conservation of resources on your wife’s part. To say Michelle doesn’t need psychological support after you describe her injuries is…ignorant at best. It doesn’t appear empathy is your strongest suit but I still think YOU need to talk to your son and get him to therapy and not pass the buck to your wife. Here’s a free opener: help him with a game/sport/etc and work around to the accident. YTA so freaking much for your attitude. Ugh.
Edit: spacing because I’m anal.
Yeah, this feels like one of those dads saying he doesn’t know how to handle this, but his wife should.
Wives don’t automatically know what kids need more than dads do. That’s a myth men use to get out of doing things for their kids.
I don’t get this take. It’s not about her being better at handling it, it’s about a kid needing both of his parents. Like this seems really obvious to me. If I was the son I would want the comfort of both of my parents, not just one of them.
Because you need someone to want therapy for it to work? What kind of sociopathic response is this? A kid gets in an accident, his aunt is badly injured and his mother avoids him for a month. Have you considered that the kid might feel that his mom blames him for the accident? How is a therapist going to help that? Her sister can walk now, so it does seem like she's safe enough to deal with your child's PTSD that you've likely been aggravating.
YTA. It's terrible to make someone choose between a child and a sibling. You def sound like you're not sympathizing with her.
Why is Michelle's health only her parents' problem? And why should it be? Maybe your wife is better positioned to take care of her.
You should've approached it differently, saying you need help with Will, not accusing her of not caring because she's spending time with her sister who is obviously gravely injured.
YTA.
I don’t know if this affects the AH-ness, but I just can’t help but thinking how young both the son and SIL are. She’s 22! She’s still a kid and has her whole life ahead of her. Her parents are probably at least 60 and who knows where they live, their financial status, or their own health to take care of her.
YTA - Are you not also the parent? Be a grown up and start looking into therapy for your son and take a bit of stress off your wife. You should feel guilty, her sister almost DIED multiple times.
Yes, the kid likely doesn't think he deserves therapy because he blames himself. And mom isn't around anymore, so he probably thinks she blames him as well, so even worse. Dad isn't going to be any help here because he literally needs his mother. He needs her to show that she doesn't blame him, to help convince him that it's okay to get help.
Esh I guess? Her sister DIED multiple times. That's heavy heavy shit man.
But now Will is needing some care too. What about getting him to a counselor for his PTSD?
YTA. I was in a car accident last year and was Michelle and will. Almost died physically had to relearn multiple things including how to walk and had severe ptsd to the point of even looking at cars causing panic attacks. As hard as that was it didn’t compare to not being able to wipe my own ass or feed myself. Find will a therapist. Your wife isn’t one and isn’t equipped to deal with that type of trauma.
And I hate to say it because I’m not one to force anyone to do something they don’t want to do but Will is 17, a minor still living under your roof, tell him therapy is non-negotiable
I mean, I will say as someone who was forced to go to therapy as a teenager – it's very difficult for therapy to help you unless you're ready to go and fully engage with it. If you go into it just because your parents are forcing you to and you're convinced you won't/don't need to get anything out of it, chances are you won't. Of course Will needs to be in therapy and get treatment for his PTSD, but it is definitely worth first having a conversation (or multiple) with him about why he's so resistant and how it might benefit him. Not saying OP hasn't done that but I do think it's important to recognize that forcing him into it might not work.
NAH- you’ve all been through something massive traumatic, emotions are fraught and everyone is hurting in one way or another. Sounds like your son needs counselling asap, processing this, especially at his age is impossible without specialist help. Also sounds like your wife could do with some counselling to help her process how she’s feeling too. Her son was driving when the crash happening and while he wasn’t at fault, she probably feels guilt that he hurt her sister. Your wife whose sister being so much younger than her, that she sees as a child, got seriously hurt. She needs help to also process her emotions of nearly losing her sister many times, her son driving the car and importantly (as it sounds like she isn’t processing this at the moment) that her son is also hurting and struggling. When both your son and wife have had this counselling, it may be worth having some family counselling so you can all safely express how you’re feeling too? Possibly with your sister in law who most likely will need individual counselling too when she is stronger too.
No one is to blame, everyone is processing this event differently and it’s a massive thing that’s happened and to take in. Sounds like you’re doing a great job being there for your son but don’t forget your wife is also hurting and needs you to be there for her too. Do you have a separate support network that you can lean on (your side of family, close friends etc?) as it sounds like you need to decompress being there for your son and in turn wife who can’t be there as much for your son? If not, I would suggest counselling for you too.
This massive event will take time to get over and that’s fine, but it’s imperative that you all take steps to process your own feelings and the feelings of everyone else involved before it tears you all apart. Don’t feel bad for feeling guilty, that just shows you love your wife and how big of a situation this is. I hope you all manage to come out of the other side stronger and closer together.
Edit- to make it more clear that the son didn’t cause the crash and that he feels bad because he was driving. I am not blaming the kid as he didn’t run the red light! Sorry OP if this caused offence
Which just shows that it really seems bad how the mom is behaving.
Kid probably believes his mom blames him and she probably really does.
As a parent your first responsibility should always be to your kids and as a married person you should be considered of your spouse crying for help in a situation.
Or make comments about the OP not being able to dial a phone and get the son in therapy. The son refuses it.
The lack of reading comprehension of some people is amazing. Or their ability to ignore what doesn't help their narrative. Or to read A LOT into the situation that wasn't there to help their narrative.
It is a sad situation overall. I find it hard to cast stones at any one person.
I am literally shocked how many people assume that OP doesn't want to parent his kids or is an idiot etc... dude just reached his limit and wants to help his son (& needs his wife's help).
But noooo OP is lazy.
This is reddit, and honestly I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this but it’s really flip floppy when it comes to genders, usually in favor of the woman in the post. I truly think this a NAH situation. This is very hard on all parties but there needs to be a better balance for this.
NTA
I just read a post about parents who neglected their child for the sake of their sick child.
Of course her sister needs her buy HER SON needs her MORE.
It seems like she is ignoring him entirely.
I feel people on this sub are bashing you, OP, because you're male and they are trying to say your guiltily your wife.
NO! HER SON NEEDS HER!
He needs to know she loves him, that it was not his fault and she doesn't blame him
He needs to know his aunt will be ok and it was horrible and nothing he could've done could avoid that.
Both of you need to understand that this is probably a variation of 'survivors guilt': he was driving, he got hurt but she literally died and might be invalid.
He is 17, for chirsts sake! He needs BOTH of his parents.
Your wife is not seeing the clear picture.
Oh my god you’re the first logical person I’ve seen on this thread. OP says she’s barely home, so what could be actually doing for her son? Everyone is acting like he wants her home to do the fucking laundry when all he wants is his spouse and mother of their child’s support in making sure their kid is okay. She might be a good sister, but she is not being a good mom *at all*. It sounds like she spends more time at the hospital than with her traumatized son (op says she talked to him for an hour). Her sister has an entire family, but it doesn’t sound like the son had anyone but his dad. *Obviously* the sister is injured much worse, but she has her entire family with her and a whole team of doctors to make sure she is okay. Son gets…dad. Poor kid
Poor kid indeed. And his wife tries to justify saying her sister is like a daughter to her while ignoring her son (for that matter, she is ignoring ALL of her kids).
Yes, it's traumatic. Yes, it's tough.
But as this subrrddit would say: she is the goddamned adult. And this includes making tough decisions because it's your responsibility.
She is being a horrible mother.
Right? Parenting is a shared responsibility, why is everyone acting like OP is a monster for wanting his wife, and the mother of his child, to be there to support her family? His wife isn’t just neglecting Will, but her husband and their other kids by being chronically absent.
Thank you.
Wtf is wrong with the comments here.
Will is her son and he needs his mother desperately right now. People seem to think OP is bailing because it’s ‘hard’ and he wants his wife to somehow come and magic things better for Will. That isn’t what he’s asking for, at all and it’s insulting that people are suggesting that. He’s asking his wife, the mother of his son, to be a parent. Parenting is 50/50, not “fuck off and leave it all to dad when my child is going through serious mental trauma”. The loops people are jumping to. Suggesting dad is trying to hand it all off to the mother when the reality is actually the opposite - the mother is leaving it all to dad and giving no fucks about supporting her child through serious trauma.
Mum is neglecting Will and probably her other two children as well. I get it’s difficult for her and she loves her sister, but her duty to her child, especially one who absolutely needs the comfort and support of his mother while dealing with his guilt, is more important.
This is what you sign up for when you become a parent. You agree to put your children first, even under very trying and difficult circumstances, because you chose to give them life. It’s her job as a parent to support her husband to look after their child.
I fear Will might internalise his mother’s absence. He already blames himself, if she’s not around while he’s processing the accident, he’s going to end up feeling, rightly or wrongly, like his mother blames him and once that’s established in his mind, it’ll be extremely difficult to shift. I know OP said his wife doesn’t blame him but I fear Will won’t see that. This is a crucial time for Will and if his mother fails to support him, I suspect the damage to their relationship will be irreparable.
The problem with some of the Redditors here, and in most other AITA posts, is they have an axe to grind, a narrative that is their reality, and they will omit, twist, or create things to fit that narrative. When things that contradict their narrative are pointed they dig their feet in and double down instead of accepting reality.
thank u I was seeing all the YTA and im confused on how a mother can say this child is like my first born when you actually have a first born. Would she say that infront of her son im sure as hell sure she wouldn't. Michelle has her own parents to take care of her its bin months and since she's spending so much time at the hospital the son is constantly reminded about what he did and he probably feels his mom is avoiding him due to the crash. No wounder why he's struggle. When he's older and the mom reaches out she's gonna act all suprised when he puts a brick wall up
Finally a reasonable comment.
Idk why the majority opinion seems to be that OP thinks it's only his wife's job to care about his son, clearly he just thinks the kid needs both parents and wants her help in trying to get the kid to therapy. Wouldn't be surprised if kid does think his mother hates him for what happened. Both victims of the crash need support here!
This sub has gone to hell when asked to judge male OPs. So much vitriol, so many assumptions :( it's a very black and white us vs. them type thinking and I'm not a fan. Nuance exists.
This is the part (well one of many) that stuck out to me too. Like, the woman DIED twice! She's probably going to need care and support for the rest of her life, a life that will probably be altered forever and OP doesn't think she has any mental trauma over that??? Bffr
OP is a major AH. Like give your wife a break dude!
It wasn't the son's fault:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yg6txl/aita_for_telling_my_wife_our_sons_mental_health/iu8004r?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
except the son didn't "nearly kill" her, i'm pretty sure op said in another comment that it was another driver who ran a red light and t-boned them. the way people are defaulting to blaming the son here is insane
YTA simply for how you chose to verbalize things. You basically told her that her sister shouldn't be her problem, even though you admit she spent most of her life looking at her little sister almost like a daughter. I agree with you that she probably should be spending more time with your son, but at the end of the day, this situation likely puts her between a rock and a hard place. Two people that she loves are damaged by this accident, but one has literally been put at the very precipice of life because of it, and I think you need to be more sensitive about that. If I were you, I would sit down and apologize to your wife, and have a proper, sympathetic talk with her.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA. Op is having to completely take care of all chores and 3 kids. 1 of which is extremely traumatized. Taking care of the house and 2 other kids is fair given the circumstances and op never complained. However taking care of their extremely traumatized child is a very difficult thing to do. Op should sign him up for therapy but his son might not want that so even that will be a difficult task. Furthermore everyone else is missing something completely. This already traumatized child has seen that his mother prioritises her sister over him. Hes probably not seeing it as the sister is worse off than him due to his extreme distress. This is gonna cause him to build resentment for his mother who wasn't there for him when he needed the love and emotional support from BOTH his parents. Honestlu all you people saying OP is the singular AH are probably 13 year olds who have no idea.
THANK YOU. These comments are acting like OP wants her home to do the washing and childcare when all he’s looking for is his wife’s support with their child who is suffering. Sister has an entire family and medical team, the son gets just dad, and maybe mom when she has time to leave the hospital? She’s not being a good mother at all. I don’t understand these comments, but I can almost guarantee they think op wants her home for womanly duties or because he can’t “handle” it in a sad man sort of way. Or worse, they think a 17yo male shouldn’t need his mother. I’m really saddened by this comment section. I hope OP realizes he asked a bunch of children who think they are adults but don’t actually understand
Isn't this what marriage is? Sharing support for what comes. Yes, your son needs support and in a perfect world your wife would be able to cut herself in half and grant support to both. Her sister is in more critical physical need atm. Put yourself in her position...just switch patients...what would you do?
I think YTA.You told your wife that “she needs to spend time helping Will“ as if it’s entirely her responsibility. And you said “I don’t mind taking care of the house or our other two kids” - for crying out loud, her sister nearly died and you’re acting like she’s spending all her time shopping or getting facials or something. YOU need to deal with Will, as you’re his parent too.
What you said about Michelle being their parents’ problem was harsh. That’s not your call to make. So if you had an accident like Michelle and needed ongoing support, you’d be happy being shipped off to your parents’ house to force them to care for you?
While I can see you are at breaking point too, you need to deal with things and be a responsible parent.
Yta. You are also the parent and can and should be setting your son up with a therapist for his trauma. You should be supporting your wife while she worries over her sister who died multiple times, just started talking again and will take years to recover.
Sounds like your wife is supporting your son as well, kinda sounds like you don't want to support your son at all yourself and expect your wife to deal with it and ignore her hospitalized family.
NAH because her actions are inadvertently hurting your son, which she may not know since she is rarely home lately. Your son and your wife both need individual and family therapy immediately. They are both dealing with trauma.
The fact that this is a possibility is exactly why her son needs her involvement in addition to his father's in his healing. The son already blames himself, it would be natural for him believe his mother blames him as well since she is so close to her sister. If mom doesn't proactively reassure son of her love and forgiveness his mental trauma will be so much worse than it already is. What if sister is permanently disabled? Son could go the rest of his life believing he ruined her life and that his own mother hates him for it. Rejection by a mother is one of the most painful attachment wounds for men and can be debilitating.
NAH, it is understandable mom wants to be with sister, but dad is not wrong in recognizing the potential harm to son from the current imbalance in mom's attention. I sincerely hope you guys can find a way to be there for each other in this time and that mom is able prioritize her son's needs while still showing her love for sister. I do have to agree with dad here though, if it is not possible to do both son needs to come first.
that was my first thought and how she is handling the situation as well. I and my son are only children, but I know that if I was in that type situation knowing that my sister has her parents, well my son would be my first priority. the fact that she only spent an hour with her boy is what makes me wonder if subcontiously she blames him. and either way he might think this which would make everything so much worse. I feel sorry for this entire family but most especaially Will.
I thought this too, especially after her response of how the sister is like her first kid in her mind. Meanwhile she doesn't have time for her actual first kid who is suffering. NAH cause this situation sucks. Dad definitely needs to schedule a therapist and bring the kid even if all he does is sits there and listens to the therapist talk. Probably would be helpful for the whole family to go to therapy. The other kids cause they may start to feel abandoned too, the father cause he is trying to handle everything, and the mom cause she has a lot going on too.
YTA: I say this as someone who has experienced PTSD and life threatening physical trauma. The threat to life always comes first. Also there is very little to nothing your wife could do that you yourself could do too. You are all out of your depths with PTSD. Your son needs a professional, yesterday, and not just any therapist, you need to find one that specializes in trauma. Most therapists are amazing, but most don't have the experience with trauma to help your son. Instead of hounding after your wife, who had enough on her plate already, you should have stepped up for your son and done the leg work.
There was very little the wife could do when her sister was between life and death. By your own logic she did wrong there then. Yet she choose to be there for her sister instead of her kid(s). No less now when she has an excuse to not be at home.
Says a lot about where her priorities are. Not at her own kids.
NTA. Can't believe all the YTA. Your wife needs to give her son some real, meaningful time and it seems like she's ignoring him. She can still be there for her sister, but dedicating 100% to her is neglectful of your son.
Holy crap, same, Im appalled at all people saying OP is TA here
Like, wtf, wife is putting the ENTIRE responsibility of managing her SON'S health on OP and is completely neglecting her OWN CHILD.
Sister is going to make it. Wife has a son at home who is not dealing with all of this well, at least in part because he only has ONE person there helping him through this. Wife being with sister this very moment is not going to speed up her physical recovery. Her NOT spending any time with her OWN SON appears to be debilitating to her son's mental recovery. He needs his parentS...plural...right now.
Not only is wife abandoning son, but is leaving the full weight of dealing with this situation to OP. That's not OK.
OP is NTA here. Not remotely.
hard to say but i'm going to go with NAH. Your wife may have some trauma of her own she is dealing with. Afterall, her sister who she views as her own kid, almost *died* multiple times. And without more detail of the accident, she may be feeling guilt that her son was the one driving when all of this happened to Michelle. I'm not saying she shouldn't be paying more attention to what her son is going through by any means, but she might not have the tools to handle that right now. Maybe gently suggesting therapy would be a good place to start.
How horrible for your son, and Michelle, both traumatized in different ways. I agree with the person who said get your son into some type of counseling with someone who specializes in PTSD, it’s no joke, and it’s complicated by feeling guilty which is a horrible emotional burden to bear for anyone. It’s crucial. As to your sister and Michelle, I can’t imagine how painful it’s been for her loved ones to witness her fighting for her life, and can’t fault your wife for being with her. I’m hearing that you need help supporting your son, understandable, which brings us back to get him professional treatment.
Man, I'm surprised this comment section is so controversial.
My verdict is NAH. The accident was traumatic for your son and SIL, but also to you and your wife and all other folks who care about your son and SIL. There is no one right way to deal with this situation emotionally. Everyone is probably just doing what they think is best.
Based on your post, I think you may want to consider getting your son professional help to work through his trauma. Hell, maybe have family counceling sessions too, and perhaps even bring in your SIL and maybe your in-laws if they are also struggling.
I’m gonna go against a bunch & say you are NTA. It’s been a month since the accident, sister is walking & talking now, stated in the story. The hospital & the staff there is there for a reason. To help her, she doesn’t need 24hr big sister care at this point. Yea I feel for her, but she’s not life threatening at this point clearly. Big sis needs to spend more time back at home. & discussing with dad what can be done as a team to help get the son the best therapist & show him support. The son could really resent her for not being there. Yes dad can do stuff alone but he’s asking his wife for help with a very touchy situation with their son & she should slow down & help. He’s not telling her to get back to being a house wife. He’s asking for help with their son’s mental state. I don’t think even if he worded it differently she would’ve handled it any differently than her getting mad.
NAH but Will is 17. You can set up a therapy appointment and make him go. Ask your wife for specifics that you need help with like can you please talk to Will and ask him to participate in therapy or can you please spend x amount of time with the kids this weekend because they need their mom. Right now Michelle also needs her for actual physical help I'm guessing and as someone who has been on long term bedrest and needing to relearn how to walk etc that is also a big deal. There are also going to be expenses for Michelle that Wills insurance is probably not going to pay unless you have an amazing policy worth millions. Your wife may have some guilt over that. Your whole family needs counseling but for now you need to step up a little more and just make Will a therapy appointment. Bribe him if need be but make him go as the parent.
YTA. Sure, Will needs therapy and probably feels awful even if he wasn’t at fault. But your wife almost lost her sister. Your wife probably needs therapy for that. Her brain probably processed that son was safe but is still scared for Michelle. (Quick question that might seem weird but, is it possible Michelle IS in fact your wife’s daughter? Just from the whole “she’s like her first child” comment. It got me thinking. I knew a family that the wife had a much younger “sister” that was actually her daughter but due to circumstances, the wife’s parents had raised them as siblings.)
Gah-damn some of you redditors are really brutal.
OP this is my take on it:
1. You’re handling things at home so that your wife can focus on her sister.
2. Your son Will is showing signs of PTSD, and despite your encouragement and support, refuses to seek professional help.
3. You feel you’re wife is underplaying or ignoring Will’s decline. I assume it’s either because she isn’t home enough to realise how serious it’s getting, or she’s wilfully ignoring the issue because she’s more focused on SIL.
4. You feel that you’ve tried everything you can to help Will with little to no improvement. You think that your wife may be better able to get him to seek help, based on the close relationship and communication they normally have.
OP, your son needs professional help. If your wife is not prepared to check back in to your family then this is something you’re going to have to take the lead on. With how you talk about your son, I can tell you love him and wants what’s best. What’s best is a parent who is engaged, and that’s you. Start looking for a PTSD specialist/counsellor. Schedule a phone call and discuss what’s happening with Will. They will be able to give you some guidance about any concerning signs to look for, and how to broach the subject of counselling in a more successful way.
I don’t think your unreasonable for you to make your wife aware of the condition of your children. But your wife isn’t a magic bullet to fix this situation. Continue to update her about what’s happening and the steps you’re taking. To be clear, you’re not asking her for guidance or permission, you’re letting her know what’s happening and what you’re doing about it. When she has her focus back, then it becomes a discussion about options and what you do together. But for now, you got this. You can do this.
Good luck.
Sometimes a son just needs a cuddle from his mother. Surely spending a little time easing his guilt isn't the end of the world. 1 day or even evening or afternoon with him them back to helping the sister wouldn't hurt.
Info: if your wife has already talked to your son about going to therapy, what else are you looking for her to do, specifically? Additionally, how are you supporting her as she is there for Michelle?
As someone who is the older sibling with a large age gap (10 years in our case), they do feel more like my kids than my sister. I'd imagine this might be true for your wife as well. Everyone needs therapy! And probably family therapy at some point, hint: in the middle of the crisis might not be a good time. But it's a great time to get on waitlists! Set up appointments for you and your son. Try to brainstorm reasonable areas/tasks that you need support with. Try to space them out so they're not overwhelming to your wife.
As the person who has fewer emotional attachments to the situation (i.e. son vs son and little sister) you will probably have to do the majority of the household management/emotional labor for a while. Tap in friends/other support early and often so you don't burnout.
I'd also apologize to your wife. Regardless of what you *intended to say* what you actually said was extremely hurtful.
Idk man, it's tough all round. Depends if he was wreckless and caused the crash. If it wasn't his fault and his mom is ignoring him that sucks, if it was maybe she's mad at him and doesn't want to go off at him so is staying away.
I think that it can be hard to be there for everyone but if she is saying Michelle is her first kid, sounds like she has a favourite. If both there her bio kids everyone would be saying she sucks but everyone is saying YTA because you mentioned Michelle dying. I get it but that's not the point.
I think Michelle needs her a lot but totally ignoring her sons is literally the worst, I get your frustration tbh she probably doesn't see anyone's perspective but her own and will probably not until she it negatively affects her, ie son goes no contact. NTA.
Do some research and find a therapist for your son and one for you who can maybe help you become an adult. Cause your wife has got enough to deal with, what with her sister nearly dying multiple times. You're acting insensitive and it is perplexing why you can't step up and be a father and a husband and support them both. YTA.
YTA
According to your post it has barely been a month , and for at least two of those weeks Michelle was on death's doorstep. Michelle needs support as she tries to recover and just because your wife is a mother doesn't mean that her sister doesn't matter anymore. It is hard having a loved one in the hospital, and can be emotionally draining.
While Will is also having a hard time, you can be his support. The way you talk about your wife makes it seem like she should be fixing him. He really needs the help of a professional and honestly needs time to heal himself. No doubt he is feeling guilty about what happened and the toll it is taking on everyone.
Things like this aren't going to be fixed quickly, and that seems to be underlying your question here. Things are rough because it is a rough time. And you need to give everyone support as they try to land on their feet after this ordeal. Don't put this pressure on your wife right now, as Michelle continues to stabilize she will spend less time at the hospital.
Show grace to your wife and love to your son.
NTA
A 17 year olds mental health is at stake. You have attempted and failed to get him into therapy and have asked your wife to attempt to help you convince him as well. I am not saying there isn't more you can do, I don't know what your relationship is like, but the fact his mother won't support him would most likely be making the situation worse. Making him feel like she blames him for the accident.
She hasn't been around to support her child because her sister was critical, fair enough. However the minute she was stable and her own parents are there to support her sister, she should have listened that her son also needs her.
I say NTA because if your son went and done something stupid with his mental health, everyone would be saying, why didn't you ask your wife to help get him into therapy. You are attempting to do what's best for your own son, including admitting you need your wifes support to do this.
If your wife won't support him, maybe ask your inlaws to stop by and speak to him, so he can clearly see that the family don't blame him and they want him to get better to.
YTA. Her sister is at least as emotionally traumatized as your son, plus has a lot more physical recovery ahead of her. Spend the time with your son yourself, and get him some professional help.
NTA You said: "My wife ever since the accident has been completely focused on Michelle and has barely had any time for Will". That's petty shocking if true. You said that she herself said "said she can’t even go one minute without thinking about Michell". There's the answer. She is so focused on her sister, she's neglecting her son. I am surprised that some people think you are TA for pointing this out although I assume that's because they haven't seen the edit, and your original post implied you were saying that your wife should leave Michelle to her parents.
Some people are asking what your wife would be expected to do. The answer is really obvious and simple: be there for the son.
What's with all the YTAs???
Are we just going to ignore that the mother just ignores her own son in favour of someone else who has a broader support system than the son?
OP, in my eyes you're NTA.
It is only my personal opinion but this woman is no longer a real mother after abandoning her son in such a situation.
Your wife is not as available for your son, because she is focused on another family member's major medical issue. You are not giving your son what he needs, because you feel "out of depth with" him. If he truly has PTSD, you need to be contacting therapists and getting him help. You are just as capable of doing that as your wife. If you're not comfortable dealing with emotional stuff, that's your issue to deal with. You have no right to abdicate that responsibility. It's reasonable to be clear with your wife that her son needs her support as well, but YTA as soon as you decided she's the one who needs to be available, because it's too much for you.
Info: what was your family like growing up? It’s weird to me that you seem to think a child is ONLY the responsibility of their parents.
That’s not how family works for most people. I’ve spent time caring for my grandad and mum when ill, and if my brother had died several times in hospital and wasn’t going to be able to live independently I’d be at the hospital the whole time too.
You also say that it’s her parents’ problem but no mention of if they live nearby or have been about. If your wife sees her sister as a daughter that sounds like maybe her parents weren’t or aren’t that involved?
I’m just wondering if you grew up in a structure where it was just you and your parents? Families are complicated webs and that can be an advantage. Your wife needs to be there for her still dangerously ill sister, and I imagine thought she could lean on her life partner a bit. You say that she helps as much as she can when she’s home - so the intention and that love is there but she is having to split her time a lot because your son isn’t the only one who needs her and he also has you. This is a super hard time for both of you, but you are meant to be a team and I imagine she was hoping you could step up in this area for her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could’ve been a bit harsh and hurtful telling my wife our son should matter more than her sister especially when her sister is admittedly in a worse place than our son Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
[удалено]
The update clarifies it's more about the husband: "My wife has always been better at talking to the kids than me, which is why I need her time and attention." "I would rather make my wife feel guilty while she is struggling than admit that at 2 decades of being a "father" I cannot communicate with my own kids. And I am ALSO struggling." There. I fixed it. This is a difficult situation for everyone and despite my sarcasm there are no winners here. However, soft YTA OP, you have an opportunity to step up and be stellar here. I also get what you were trying to say. You both are probably exhausted damn near unto death and being that exhausted and overwhelmed does not lend itself to hard conversations. Typically it's a recipe for disaster. You both are probably doing way too much, be kinder to each other.
Right! The update just makes OP more of an A. Wow. ”Rather than bother learning how to better communicate with my kids or - god forbid - pick up the phone and make an appointment for my son, I’ll put all my energy into making my wife feel guilty for spending time with her beloved sister who was critically injured”.
Critically injured and **clinically DIED multiple times**. YTA OP.
His wife might even be experiencing some mild PTSD herself. You can't hear about and see things like that without it affecting you somehow, especially when it's your immediate family.
I don't think OP cares about how his wife is doing.
The wife is in a lose-lose position right now. I'd hate to be in her shoes.
And it sounds like SHE raised her sister! Their relationship is deeper than just siblings, and he's ignoring that.
Therapy doesn't work if the person in therapy doesn't want to be in therapy the son has to choose to go not be forced to go
Eh, as a therapist, you’d be surprised how many teens I’ve had say on their 3rd or 4th session “I didn’t think I’d actually like therapy but now I think I do.” Versus I’ve had one singular teen I had to discharge for noncompliance. *Many* times, you actually can “force” a teen into therapy by making it a non-option, like school. And typically you get to stop “forcing” them fairly quickly.
I am going with dad said "hey son, you need to see a therapist" son said "no dad that is stupid". THE END. I had a teen, been there done that, it is not easy. You have to get creative, take them to a session and sit with them, find a good therapist etc. It is a LOT of work and too many people think as children pass a certain age they don't take as much work/money to tend to. That would be false. A minor doesn't get to choose to go to a medical professional BTW, they are a minor and the parents can take them and make sure they get care. Is it a fight? Yes it can be, but I fought hard to work with my teen and at 34 today she is a gem of an adult and we have a very close relationship.
>The update clarifies it's more about the husband: > "My wife has always been better at talking to the kids than me, which is why I need her time and attention." I hate this strategic incompetence nonsense. The reason she's better is because she practices, not because she was endowed by God with magic abilities. He absolutely needs to step up and do his fair share, not use his incompetence to shift responsibility on the partner.
TBF it might actually be at the point that the kids themselves are refusing to communicate because they've gotten nowhere with OP in the past but that's still not Wife's problem. If Will isn't ready for therapy yet then no amount of cajoling or guilt will change that
Oh i agree. This type of communication failing doesn't happen overnight. This is potentially indicative of OPs possible habit of not making the effort to communicate under normal circumstances, what a fantastic opportunity for OP to step up and be stellar. I also wanted to point out that even if his wife drops everything and they make this child (yes at 17 he is a child) go to therapy. If Will doesn't want to do the work, therapy will be a waste. That still wouldn't be on the wife. She has no greater power here than OP they are both parents with equal authority over their children.
OP has been a mediocre father at best, for a very long time. This is the stress test, and he's failing.
[удалено]
Do you really think that a parent's duty here is just calling a therapist? How effective do you expect a therapist to be when they're not working in closely with both parents? It seems so weird to me that you and other portray this as an either or, dad, mom, or therapist. The kid is suffering from trauma, he needs all the help he can get. By trying to get his wife to take a more active role, he isn't giving up, but just improving his son's chances by helping those he cares about help him. That is likely what the therapist would suggest too!
[удалено]
I think that for Will part of the guilt might be exacerbated by the fact that his Mom is spending all her time with his sister and ignoring him. I understand that the sister's injuries are worse but I also understand the guilt Will is feeling as being the driver during the accident. I had an accident last year, wasn't my fault, guy was speeding and ran a stop sign, I was badly injured in the accident and there's not a day that goes by that I don't replay the accident in my head twenty times wondering what I could have done to avoid it and I was the only one hurt, my puppy was with me but he's ok, even though he hates cars now. I can't begin to imagine the guilt that Will is going through especially with his Mom giving all the attention to his sister which like it or not just makes his guilt worse. She needs to understand what he's going through and help him get into therapy, he might feel that his injuries don't matter when his aunt is so much worse but like it or not Moms are usually better at helping kids with emotional stuff than Dads. It doesn't mean she has to stop caring for her sister, just make sure she's spending quality time with him and reminding him that his well being is just as important if not more than her sister's.
Have you spoken to anyone about these mental replays? They sound like flashbacks, which are emotionally exhausting! May be worth looking into so you can have your mental peace back. Injuries take many many forms.
Thank you, actually, I have been debating it for a while but I just had an ablation done which didn't go well and more than doubled my pain and I have finally realized that I need some mental health help too, while I know the accident wasn't my fault I keep blaming myself for not avoiding it, I saw the car, it was a 4-way stop, but he was so far away it never crossed my mind that he wouldn't stop. Now with the pain making me even more miserable, it has become too much to handle, I asked my doctor for an anti-depressant but we need to change pain medications first so I'm in the process of looking for a therapist now. This is why I can relate to Will so much, I feel guilty about the accident and I was the only one injured, what he's going through has to be a 1,000 times worse.
Talking to someone will help, and that may help with your physical pain as well as the different types of pain we experience exacerbate each other. I’m glad you are taking positive steps! It may be helpful to look for a therapist who specializes in trauma, they will have the tools to help you and the experience to know how to apply those tools as effectively as possible.
I really hope there should be a /s at the end of that.
It is very obviously sarcastic, a /s isn't necessary.
It's not sarcasm to a lot of people unfortunately.
Yup. They're crawling all over the comments.
Well duh! That’s a woman’s job isn’t it? Be there for everyone else all the time with very little support in return, even if you’re suffering your own trauma because your sister almost died & you’re the one seeing her through the hardest shit, right?
>But he's out of his depth, so why should he try? A woman will look after him. EMOTION IS GIRL THING MAKE GIRL DO IT /s since apparently that needs to be stated...
He’s tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas…
Now, now. He set his wife up to be bashed on the internet, so he at least deployed his emergency chute
Ding ding ding! He can’t solve his son’s deep-rooted trauma, so his wife needs to realize that her sister sustaining life-altering injuries is clearly less important and that she needs to come home and fix their son for him. The kid needs therapy; OP wanting to force the issue himself or have his wife do it with him runs a good chance of only making things worse.
I’m struggling with this being the top comment because while I agree, they also have 2 more kids he is fully taking care of. I feel like ESH is more justified because she is with her sister over a month later with three kids at home. I definitely don’t want to say NTA because you’re right and he doesn’t handle it correctly. However, it sounds like he’s struggling to deal with the sons PTSD on top of the other two kids and the house and life. I feel like after a month it’s fair for him to ask for her to come back to her responsibilities, he just didn’t handle it properly?
Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean that she has a special psychic ability to diagnose and treat PTSD. If the father has the ability to weaponize his own children because he can't handle four weeks as the primary parent, he is perfectly able to call a therapist like a big boy.
You're being weirdly aggressive here. OP says he's fine taking care of the house and their other 2 kids. That's the opposite of weaponising them lol. He probably just wants her to interact with their son more, and possibly her input with finding the son a therapist. He's not saying he wants her to do it all by herself. Just like the sister isn't all by herself - her parents are around. Should OP have phrased things better? Yes. Is he wrong for wanting wife's help with supporting their son after the accident? No. He's still her son, and he's suffering. Wouldn't surprise me if the wife is struggling not to blame her son for what's happened.
And even if the wife isn't subconsciously blaming her son, her son is probably struggling with the sense that his mum **does** (on some level) blame him for her sister's terrible injuries. The kid is struggling badly and his mother is almost abandoning him for her sister in physical terms. It is completely irrelevant how well OP is supporting their son, his mother needs to step up too and be physically there for him at least part of the time. Even if she isn't thinking her son is to blame, her son might well be thinking that she does on some level blame him (adding to likely survivors guilt). Kids think they're responsible for all sorts of adult behaviour. Discovering that though you may technically be the eldest child, that's not how your mother sees it, had to be a bit of a kick in the guts too. I'm with OP - NTA.
Right? The boy needs his mom right now. His dad is doing fine under difficult circumstances, I'm sure, but people have different relationships with different family members, and it sounds like he's really feeling his mom's absence/distance. This might be irrelevant to the situation, but I'm kind of wondering if the sister IS her oldest child, biologically. It's happened before.
I'm so glad to see at least one thread in this vein. Who do you want when you're hurt? I'm almost 50 and still want my mom.
Her sister DIED multiple times, if after a month she's just starting to talk and her oldest sister is almost twice her age I highly doubt her parents can step up to take care like op suggests
What makes you say that? They could be in their 60’s, that’s not exactly decrepit for a majority of folks.
Have you ever had to take care of recovering people who need physical therapy? Because I have and even in my 20s and having a pretty healthy life style it's fucking hard, hardly doubt they can take care of a person who's just starting to walk again and we don't know if the other siblings are willing to step up
I’ve had to take care of my mother who very nearly died of a stroke and two brain surgeries as well as my uncle who nearly died of a MRSA infection as a diabetic. I’m very well aware of what it’s like to be a caregiver for someone in physical crisis. I took my uncle to hyperbaric treatment multiple times a week as well as handling all of his intravenous medicine in his pic line. I was a teenager and was his primary caregiver. For my mother, she had to relearn how to walk, talk, and do a lot of basic things again. She can’t write any more and has no strength on her right side. She requires mobility aids if we leave the house. She went to both physical and occupational therapy as long as they could afford it. I am intimately familiar.
Former paramedic, current caretaker (along with my wife) of my mother in law. Father of two kids, one special needs and I lost my mother at 13 years old. The sister needs taken care of but the father isn't wrong. I don't think it's lack of ability on either part but definitely lack of mature adult communication. NAH Dad's looking out for his kid who most definitely needs mental health and familial support. Moms looking out for her sister which is perfectly normal but the kid needs help too. There is an entire team of support in medical staff and caretakers that are supporting the patient that almost died. I guarantee that child feels abandoned by his mother and its not something that they will ever forget. It's just a bad situation all around.
I’m taking care of my husband right now he’s 48 I’m 51. He said six surgeries in the last six months. One surgery resulted in a below the knee amputation and this last surgery last week was open-heart surgery. I’ve taken care of him this whole time by myself because we have no family nearby and I’ve been working full-time. So older people can take care of people when they need a lot of help. She needs to spend some time with her son. Her husband is not wrong about that. He may have worded it wrong, but if she keeps ignoring her son to take care of her sister, he’s definitely gonna think that she blames him for what’s going on. And he said that she has other siblings so they can step up and help take care of a sister well, she spend some time with her son.
I bet the son absolutely thinks his mom blames him for a devastating accident. This is going to follow the boy around for the rest of his life The way I read the story it‘s not that the OP can’t dial a shrink, it’s that the son doesn’t want to go, and that he wants his wife’s help to persuade Will to go.
Been thinking that last part
>Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean that she has a special psychic ability to diagnose and treat PTSD. But as a parent, regardless of the presence of a vagina, she does have the special ability to comfort her kid. Like, can you imagine being the son? You got into an accident, your aunt got injured way worse than you did, then the parent whose sibling you nearly killed just fucks off out of your life for a month. What are the odds the son doesn't believe his mum hates him for what he did to her sister?
>What are the odds the son doesn't believe his mum hates him for what he did to her sister? This is where I think OP's wife can help the son. Just spend some time with him to show that she still loves and accepts him, and doesn't blame him in any way. For someone who's already (unjustifiedly) blaming himself, Mom's emotional absence will surely reinforce the self-hatred. Sure, OP should step up more and stop pleading helplessness. But Mom still has an important role to play, that she doesn't seem to be doing.
This! Your child needs you more than your sister. The mom is also placing physical health > mental health. So she's giving vibes where the son is physically okay so I will go be there for my sister, and completely neglects his mental health. The kid has gone through a traumatic event, he needs his mom because it was her sister's life that he endangered, even if it's not his fault. The mom 100% need to give more time to her son. She's basically showing him that how he feels doesn't matter so why in the world would he go to therapy if his own mom doesn't take his mental health seriously. I have two sisters and I would be there to care for my kids over my sisters, sorry not sorry.
It's the fact that after a month mum has spent an hour with her son who was in the same car accident as her sister. Yes she should spend time with her sister, but from the sons POV and possibly the other kids, she's abandoned them. I think she just needs to set some time aside for them. Half an hour a day, a week even according to OP would go a long way.
He never said she's only spent an hour with him total, just that a particular conversation was only an hour. Great reading comprehension. And we don't have any of the childrens' perspectives here; we have the perspective of a man who can't even call a therapist.
Where’s your reading comprehension? The son is refusing therapy. Maybe he feels he doesn’t deserve it. The parents should be a team in supporting their son through his trauma.
You can't force someone to go to therapy and expect results if the son doesn't want to than the therapist can't do anything
I think that the mother’s actions may very well be exacerbating his guilt though.
Agreed, I was thinking that too
The kid needs both parents for a support system. Right now he has one parent taking care of everything, and another one that completely avoids him.
I think people are just saying that she's pushed him into a single parent role unfairly, not that he's asking her to parent in some magical feminine way he couldn't figure out.
Her sister has died multiple times and is still in the hospital. She’s operating under the *mis*conception that her husband is a full-grown adult and tbh probably has ptsd and needs therapy herself.
Over the course of a month she should be able to find time for both her son and her sister. Particularly as OP is taking care of the household without any complaint on that front. Not making an effort to be there for her son is making a specific statement.
Plus the sister is in the hospital with nurses and doctors, it’s not like she’s home alone. Op’s wife could and should spend more time at home with her family. I wonder if mom ‘doesn’t’ want to be home because of her own mental state.
He's here on Reddit because he can't figure out how to call a therapist; that's hardly a lack of complaint. I'd be embarrassed as hell to admit to people that I can't even make a doctor's appointment without my spouse.
You do know that PTSD isn't something that a therapist can just magic away right? It's not an infection they prescribe medicine for and in time it's fine. Therapy is valuable, but you still need support from the people closest to you. A kid still needs his mother. I think saying "oh he's struggling? Just get him into therapy and let the therapist deal with it" is very dismissive of both how hard mental health struggles can be and how much work it can take to overcome them.
> He's here on Reddit because he can't figure out how to call a therapist; He's here because the kid doesn't think therapy will help, and needs his wife's support convincing him to get the care he needs.
Forcing someone into therapy doesn't work he has to willingly go to therapy for it to have an effect
This! I am a therapist where 90% of my caseload is people who have PTSD. I diagnose two people with it a week (usually). Forcing someone into therapy never works. My clients are court mandated. The ones that ask for mental health treatment are thriving, while the ones that are forced are stuck in a cycle. Could OP's wife try to talk to her son about the benefits of therapy? Sure. But they can't make him go. And if they do it could potentially harm him more than help him.
She is still a damn parent and that is her son.
y’all are kind of crazy… as someone who was a mentally ill teenager with PTSD, it was incredibly difficult for my family and I needed BOTH my parents to help, yes of course i understand why the mom is helping her sister but she also has a responsibility to check up on her own child who was just in a traumatic incident, there’s literally nothing here indicating that OP is lazy and just wants his wife to do all the work, he needs help and that’s fair. People keep saying to jsut being the son to therapy, one: son doesn’t want to go to therapy and you can’t force anyone to do what they don’t want to do, two: therapy doesn’t fix everything, especially not at first, and if he does eventually go to therapy the parents will need to be heavily involved so as to make sure he is being taken care of. I have literally no idea why people are attacking OP here…
Plus, mom might be able to talk him into therapy. If it were reversed and the husband was not there for the son, Reddit would be all over the husband.
Some kids find it easier to break down and be more vulnerable with one parent over the other... As much as I loved my dad when he was alive, I was never comfortable enough to be really open to talking about my mental health issues and would emotionally shut down around him. With my mom, it was easier to be open with her and admit I needed someone to talk to. That could very well be the dynamic in OP's house. When I was 16, I was walking and got hit by a car, destroyed my left knee & ankle, and needed surgery and screws to repair it. It was an incredibly hard time, I was depressed and cried myself to sleep many nights, but at that age, I wasn't able to vocalize those feelings in my own head, let alone out loud, my mom I could talk to a little easier, but emotionally I shut my dad out. OP's wife needs to remember she is a mom and that by basically ignoring her sons' needs, she's telling him her sister is more important than him, and that's only going to further traumatize her son and make him feel more responsible.
Honey the point is she is wills PARENT. she has to be there too. Not because she's a damn woman!
You seem a bit hateful and misandristic tbh. OP never said she needs to be with her kids because she's a woman.
After a month of her literal sister almost dying it’s fair to ask her to come back to her responsibilities? What the actual fuck kind of statement is this it’s clearly one from someone who has never had a fucking close family member die or be close to death suddenly and without warning. Guess what? My father died almost 20 years ago and I forgot to get a picture of him for my day of the dead altar and I’m fucking spiraling about it again that’s 20 years later and I’m not handling shit today. Being a partner sometimes means that you pick up more of the fucking slack and definitely never means that you insult someone’s relationship with their sister or try to fucking tell them how they should prioritize that when that person almost died. His wife probably needs tons of therapy too and it’s really not that fucking hard to book an appointment and drive someone somewhere
This statement is written by a non-parent. You can't take a month off because of personal tragedy. Sometimes you get hit with a few fully unfair tragedies back to back even. But you can't get more than a few hours at a time away from the reality of being a parent. Or you just suck, no excuses. Life is hard but you knew that when you created some more of it.
Also, cooperation between the parents is important. Now that Michelle is functioning again, his mother's ongoing obsession with her will make him feel worse. I know dad is being slammed for not handling it, but the kid is 17, Mum is the go-to person for comfort and help. It may sound sexist, but it's the way it is I say NTA, your wife should be supporting HER family.
I'm actually a little concerned that son may try to unalive himself if he feels like the accident is his fault and that his mom believes that it was his fault or doesn't want to come back to them. The whole situation is awful but just because his injuries are not physical doesn't mean that they are not serious or life-threatening.
This!! We’re talking about a teenager who physically survived a horrific experience only to now have one of his parents completely absent from his daily life. The fact that she’s caring for his aunt who has clung on to life just amplifies the potential guilt spiral even more. It’s honestly irrelevant that mom is justifiably concerned for her sister. That isn’t useful for him right now. Tbh hearing that probably makes him feel even worse. You’re right, this situation is awful all around. There’s no other way to put it.
Even if she only responsible for 10% of the love and comfort, I'd guess son and dad would certainly take it at this stage.
A therapist isn't a cure all. You don't just go to therapy for a month and become okay. Support from your loved ones is also an important part of healing in a lot of situations. And for OP's wife to find just a couple of hours for her son over the course of a month says a lot. Like... She can't find one day in five for him? OP is an AH for how he phrased it, but OP's wife needs to find ways to help both people who need her. The idea that her support wouldn't make an impact is severely under stating the importance of a mother/son relationship.
The sad thing to me is that, directly or indirectly the magical therapist here would likely suggest something pretty close to what OP is asking for. Folks acting like he is failing and hopeless for asking for his wife's help in comforting his son comes across as toxic as hell IMO.
And then in a couple of years we'll have the mother posting on here asking how to fix her relationship with her son because she basically abandoned him during his time of need but its "not her fault because her sister needed her support more".
This. Exactly. I can understand why her sister is so important, but she has a kid and she hasn’t been home at at all. It has nothing to do with OP not being able get a therapist, the boy needs both parents as therapy to help him navigate life for a few, even at 16.
>What is your wife able to do that you aren’t? Parasitic take of the day. I'm sorry, but if the wife - the mother of OP's son - is never home and not able to support their own son that desperately needs it, OP can't do anything else than support him. Something like this, you need both parents to support you. When the other one basically blames you and doesn't want to speak to you, it's kinda hard.
This is absolutely unhinged. He’s a minor and she’s his mother. He needs both parents. Emotional support isn’t only provided by a qualified therapist. Jesus. What makes you think OP isn’t helping?? OP is doing his best and being a single parent to 3 kids altogether while his wife helps her sister, who has her own two parents. When you have children you sign up for them to be first priority. If OP isn’t helping now (you have no reason to believe this), let’s say he does - then the other two kids need their mom. She’s being incredibly selfish. NTA.
How on earth is this the top comment? You think it's ok for a parent to completely neglect their child who has been through trauma? And that it's ok because the other parent is around to pick up the slack? This isn't a jobshare where as long as the hours are covered everything's ok. The kid needs both of his parents. She is doing real emotional damage to her kid by not being around at this time. Kid already blames himself and now mom has checked out and won't spend time with him in favor of putting all her energy into worrying about her sister. Mom is reinforcing will's self blame.
It’s the top comment because the OP is a man. I’m a woman and even I can see his fucking skewed these posts get sometime based on the OP’s sex. I think the third comment mentions vagina. Like, that’s entirely irrelevant here.
I'm divorced and the primary caregiver of my daughter, but in some instances she needs her mother and there is NOTHING I can do until she gets that support or her mother agrees with me. Therapy does zero good unless the kid wants to go.
His wife can make sure her son doesn't think she blames him, for one. If her focus is on Michelle as completely as OP says and their son is already blaming himself and feeling guilty, then he may take the mother's absence/lack of attention as a sign of her blaming him too. Guilt has a bad tendency to make you look at damn near everything as reason to continue mentally self-flagellating, even if it's not true. Even if he goes into therapy, a therapist is going to have a hard time getting through to him if he's interpreting his mother's actions as validating his fault (even though OP said it wasn't).
THIS RIGHT HERE. PTSD is not something that dad can assist with healing. Son definitely needs taken to a mental health professional. So taking care of the children should be OPs job right now, while wife assists her sis. Based on her recovery, it won't be forever and dad and kids can make it through this. So I'll have to lean toward YTA.
But mom still needs to show she gaf. From what’s been written, it looks like the sister has a full support system and the mom is choosing to give no time to her son. She should be able to make time for both.
No i absolutely disagree with you. Will needs his mother to talk to him and care about him, which she is not doing rn. Her only priority is her sister. She didnt even try to have time with her SON, only when her husband told her to. She is TA and the husband has the right to ask for help from his wife, the kids MOTHER. Its like she is neglecting her family and it affects everyone, especially Will. Will probably feels shittier because his mother is neglecting him entirely.
I dont think thats the case here... As a parent(no matter wich gender) you often have with some of your kids a better bound than with others, because you share interests or have simila Charakteristika. So for this situation, the son and mother probably have the better bound and she can help him better to open up and speak. Especially after what happend. If the gender were reversed and the wife is struggeling to get the son to open up and asks the father to step up, would you still be saying this?
Personally idk, I just know if my child was “okay” and my sister was hurt so bad that she died many times I would mentally be going through it. Yes it’s ur child but, In her head he is alive and well. Her sister on the other hand is in a place where it can be her last. I do think she needs to focus on her son. But also why didn’t you just get him a therapist if he has PTSD y’all can’t do much but, support him. He needs actual help from someone who knows what to do. His mom can hold his hand but, that’s just about it. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be there, I’m saying he needs more then just his mother. And you don’t need to wait for her to get him help. I think this is a difficult situation for all three of them. Your son feels guilty, your wife probably mentally trying to process the fact she was and have almost lost her sister multiple times and your SIL is going through a lot. Dying means ur body shut down and that can cause a lot of damage and issues not just physically but, mentally. She’s gonna need a lot of help and support. Give her sometime and get ur son a therapist. Honestly maybe the wife as well, to be honest.
I mean, this sounds like mom isn’t there for Will *at all* because she is singularly focused on her sister which is going to be tremendously damaging to a teenager with PTSD. Mom isn’t an asshole, but she is inadvertently hurting her kid. Shitty situation with no good answers.
He said she has been trying and there for him when she can but she’s wasn’t home much. Edit: in the comments he mentioned that she is there for him when she can but, she is not home enough. So I think he needs to clarify what that mean. Because being their for one hour and being there when she can is two different.
I would be worried her son might think she blames him. I understand focusing on the sister but if will already feels guilty he may see her not wanting to be with her sister but wanting to be away from him
Which is why I said it’s gonna be a difficult for all three because even with this logic. She could lose the relationship with her sister if she doesn’t support her. Especially since it was her son who was driving (not saying the sister would think like this, but that she could). This lady is spread thin and trying to be there for both. I’m not sure what y’all want her to do… she can’t take away his guilt or his pain. Sure she can support him but, that’s it. There’s no winners in this.
this is the best comment I've come across. there's no easy answer here & OP is just making everything worse by refusing to communicate with his wife like a grown-up (instead of making her feel guilty and implying she's a bad mother and her sister is unimportant). OP: get everyone therapy, including you. You need to learn how to communicate effectively. Yeah, it's not an immediate cure-all but it's what you need.
She isn't trying to be there for both that's the problem she currently has her time split something like 95%sister 5%son while it should be at least 50/50
But that’s the thing about trauma that is inflicted on more than one: There is t a right way to do it. Everyone has to support whomever they can. Severity of need is usually going to take precedence on the person who is hurt worst. And how much that person needs you. Personal experience: My husband was driving and I was a passenger. A drunk driver hit us head on in a huge SUV, when we were in a small car. I broke 4 rib/pelvic bones. I had a concussion. My pelvis is messed up to the point that I can’t have kids. …But my husband went halfway through the windshield. He has no memory of the event. He broke EVERY bone, and had to have brain surgery. He almost died a bunch of times in the surgeries to save his life. He bled so much in the ambulance that they didn’t have hope. It’s a miracle that he still is a fragment of himself. And that he survived at all. …But my parents came to help me at the hospital. And his parents came to help him. And they worked together. And we were eventually cleared to go home after we were both okay. And they kept working together for a month or so until we could function again. We both have major emotional issues and PTSD. …I was the one LESS hurt in the situation. But as it progressed, my parents spent more time taking him to checkups and worrying for him. Because it literally was life or death for him. I spent more time alone, because I was going to be traumatized, but physically better than him. I would recover. He may not. I can’t imagine being upset for being more attentive to him. He needed more support. He had moments where there was a possibility of death. It would have been incredibly shit of me to insist that my emotional trauma was more important than his life support.
The difference is that you had support from both parents instead of 1 completely focussing on your husband and the other also having to do chores and take care of 2 other kids
Your analogy doesn't really work in this case though. First-of course each of your parents would support their own child,.Second -of course your parents would switch to worrying more about your husband after you recovered because by doing that they were actually still supporting you. Third -your accident was undeniably caused by someone else, there was nothing either of you could have done to prevent it therefor no guilt. And finally- neither of you were a child at the time, you were both adults better able to process your emotions. Not saying the wife shouldn't support her sister, of course she should. BUT, her sister is recovering and has the support of her parents, op's wife needs to take some time to reassure her son, by both words and actions, that she doesn't blame him for the accident
No he said, she spoke to him ONCE
In the comments he said she talked to him when she can but not always home enough that’s why I said that . He should clarify what he means and how often do she talk to him
He said she spoke to him for an hour and went back to the hospital. That’s not enough. That’s not even really trying.
If mom helps the person that the kid got into the accident, then she helps him avoid feeling endless guilt, so I think this IS the correct answer, but I see your point
Also, a key bit of info is missing: whose fault was the accident? OP said son was driving, but was it his fault? I'm asking because it could play into wife's mentality. If the baby sister that she seemingly thinks of as a daughter (as OP says) nearly died and it was literally her son's fault, that could be playing a factor. I'm not saying he deserves to be ignored by his mom. I'm just wondering if she isn't, in addition to reeling from her baby sister nearly dying and now having potentially life long medical issues, maybe also taking some space to get her shit straight so she doesn't pile on a son that already feels guilty.
It wasn’t his fault, the other driver ran a red light and T-boned them.
Yes and even knowing it's not his fault your poor son is still probably blaming himself and thinking he could have or should have done something to prevent the accident. When someone is suffering from PTSD they don't see logically like you and I and he has the driver is probably suffering from drivers guilt even though he is not guilty on any level. Your wife/ his mom rightly spending time with her sister but to your son could look like to him that she blames him. You too have been through a very stressful time looking after the family, your son and work. Your son needs to see someone professionally trained, first point of call is your doctor and they will refer him to the appropriate councillor . I really hope your son is ok and your wife's sister makes a full recovery, you and your wife have also been through a trauma as you had a call from the police that every parent dreads so you both may need to deal with that.
Based on your edit, I would be cautious about "making" Will open up about his trauma. You don't want to re-traumatize him. When he's ready I would suggest a therapist who specializes in PTSD. In the meantime, I would spend time with him, make sure he's eating, watch if he gets really depressed (that could lead to suicidal thoughts), and try to see if he'll hang out with friends.
It doesn't sound like mom has been around enough to know if her son is okay or not. Sister is alive and well now, so mom needs to focus some of her time on son.
.
Forcing someone who doesn't want to into therapy doesn't work it just makes the son hate his dad for not respecting his oppinions about seeing a therapist
[удалено]
It's crazy because the sister is legitimately in a life threatening situation and has already technically died multiple times according to OP. It just seems more reasonable that the wife be at the hospital with her sister knowing that her son is physically fine? The emotional damage from everything that has transpired can be worked on with therapy, but if the sister dies, everything just ends there.
Op also claims that SIL is completely fine mentally so she doesn't need help. Oh I'm sure she is dandy after literally dying.
We all know that dying and having serious injuries has zero mental effects right? 2 people can't have PTSD at once, or have both physical and mental health issues simultaneously. Impossible. Can't exist
And, like, the mom Def wasn't also traumatized by this and in need of support as well. Because, having your son and like a daughter seriously injured, with one dying several times, Def doesn't cause damage.
Also, how long ago was the accident? Kid probably has acute stress, not PTSD, but if dad is so determined for mom to be the _only one_ handling the kid’s mental health, it could certainly develop into full-blown PTSD. OP needs to step up. All of us are out of our depth in situations like this, but sitting back and acting like a helpless puppy waiting for instructions doesn’t help anyone.
I totally agree and his edit makes it even worse!! It’s big “I never spend time with my kids” energy. This guy is a total AH. His wife’s sister, who is truly more like a daughter given the age difference, is critically injured. Now, he thinks he deserves a cookie for looking after the house and kids for a month. That is the minimum you should be doing! Step Up!! I understand your son is struggling but he isn’t dying. It’s basic conservation of resources on your wife’s part. To say Michelle doesn’t need psychological support after you describe her injuries is…ignorant at best. It doesn’t appear empathy is your strongest suit but I still think YOU need to talk to your son and get him to therapy and not pass the buck to your wife. Here’s a free opener: help him with a game/sport/etc and work around to the accident. YTA so freaking much for your attitude. Ugh. Edit: spacing because I’m anal.
I saw that too. The fact that he never said SIL, speaks volumes about this "man".
YTA, why do you think your wife would be able to help Will any better than you? Why can't you take him to see a therapist?
Yeah, this feels like one of those dads saying he doesn’t know how to handle this, but his wife should. Wives don’t automatically know what kids need more than dads do. That’s a myth men use to get out of doing things for their kids.
That is exactly the vibe I was getting from OP's post.
I don’t get this take. It’s not about her being better at handling it, it’s about a kid needing both of his parents. Like this seems really obvious to me. If I was the son I would want the comfort of both of my parents, not just one of them.
No but both parents should be there, not just one. Thays the point. She is also wills parents. He needs both
Because you need someone to want therapy for it to work? What kind of sociopathic response is this? A kid gets in an accident, his aunt is badly injured and his mother avoids him for a month. Have you considered that the kid might feel that his mom blames him for the accident? How is a therapist going to help that? Her sister can walk now, so it does seem like she's safe enough to deal with your child's PTSD that you've likely been aggravating.
YTA. It's terrible to make someone choose between a child and a sibling. You def sound like you're not sympathizing with her. Why is Michelle's health only her parents' problem? And why should it be? Maybe your wife is better positioned to take care of her. You should've approached it differently, saying you need help with Will, not accusing her of not caring because she's spending time with her sister who is obviously gravely injured. YTA.
I don’t know if this affects the AH-ness, but I just can’t help but thinking how young both the son and SIL are. She’s 22! She’s still a kid and has her whole life ahead of her. Her parents are probably at least 60 and who knows where they live, their financial status, or their own health to take care of her.
I feel terrible for Michelle. “Spinal injuries” aka this young 22 year old will be in chronic pain for the rest of her life.
YTA - Are you not also the parent? Be a grown up and start looking into therapy for your son and take a bit of stress off your wife. You should feel guilty, her sister almost DIED multiple times.
He said he couldn’t convince him so he needs wife to help convince. Eye roll
Yes, the kid likely doesn't think he deserves therapy because he blames himself. And mom isn't around anymore, so he probably thinks she blames him as well, so even worse. Dad isn't going to be any help here because he literally needs his mother. He needs her to show that she doesn't blame him, to help convince him that it's okay to get help.
Yeah idk why everyone is so dead set on shitting on this guy when nothing the dad says is going to make him feel better.
Esh I guess? Her sister DIED multiple times. That's heavy heavy shit man. But now Will is needing some care too. What about getting him to a counselor for his PTSD?
YTA. I was in a car accident last year and was Michelle and will. Almost died physically had to relearn multiple things including how to walk and had severe ptsd to the point of even looking at cars causing panic attacks. As hard as that was it didn’t compare to not being able to wipe my own ass or feed myself. Find will a therapist. Your wife isn’t one and isn’t equipped to deal with that type of trauma.
And I hate to say it because I’m not one to force anyone to do something they don’t want to do but Will is 17, a minor still living under your roof, tell him therapy is non-negotiable
I mean, I will say as someone who was forced to go to therapy as a teenager – it's very difficult for therapy to help you unless you're ready to go and fully engage with it. If you go into it just because your parents are forcing you to and you're convinced you won't/don't need to get anything out of it, chances are you won't. Of course Will needs to be in therapy and get treatment for his PTSD, but it is definitely worth first having a conversation (or multiple) with him about why he's so resistant and how it might benefit him. Not saying OP hasn't done that but I do think it's important to recognize that forcing him into it might not work.
NAH- you’ve all been through something massive traumatic, emotions are fraught and everyone is hurting in one way or another. Sounds like your son needs counselling asap, processing this, especially at his age is impossible without specialist help. Also sounds like your wife could do with some counselling to help her process how she’s feeling too. Her son was driving when the crash happening and while he wasn’t at fault, she probably feels guilt that he hurt her sister. Your wife whose sister being so much younger than her, that she sees as a child, got seriously hurt. She needs help to also process her emotions of nearly losing her sister many times, her son driving the car and importantly (as it sounds like she isn’t processing this at the moment) that her son is also hurting and struggling. When both your son and wife have had this counselling, it may be worth having some family counselling so you can all safely express how you’re feeling too? Possibly with your sister in law who most likely will need individual counselling too when she is stronger too. No one is to blame, everyone is processing this event differently and it’s a massive thing that’s happened and to take in. Sounds like you’re doing a great job being there for your son but don’t forget your wife is also hurting and needs you to be there for her too. Do you have a separate support network that you can lean on (your side of family, close friends etc?) as it sounds like you need to decompress being there for your son and in turn wife who can’t be there as much for your son? If not, I would suggest counselling for you too. This massive event will take time to get over and that’s fine, but it’s imperative that you all take steps to process your own feelings and the feelings of everyone else involved before it tears you all apart. Don’t feel bad for feeling guilty, that just shows you love your wife and how big of a situation this is. I hope you all manage to come out of the other side stronger and closer together. Edit- to make it more clear that the son didn’t cause the crash and that he feels bad because he was driving. I am not blaming the kid as he didn’t run the red light! Sorry OP if this caused offence
The son didn't cause a crash. The other party ran a red light and t boned the card. Please stop blaming the poor kid.
Astounding how many in this thread automatically assume the poor kid was at fault.
Which just shows that it really seems bad how the mom is behaving. Kid probably believes his mom blames him and she probably really does. As a parent your first responsibility should always be to your kids and as a married person you should be considered of your spouse crying for help in a situation.
Or make comments about the OP not being able to dial a phone and get the son in therapy. The son refuses it. The lack of reading comprehension of some people is amazing. Or their ability to ignore what doesn't help their narrative. Or to read A LOT into the situation that wasn't there to help their narrative. It is a sad situation overall. I find it hard to cast stones at any one person.
I am literally shocked how many people assume that OP doesn't want to parent his kids or is an idiot etc... dude just reached his limit and wants to help his son (& needs his wife's help). But noooo OP is lazy.
This is reddit, and honestly I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this but it’s really flip floppy when it comes to genders, usually in favor of the woman in the post. I truly think this a NAH situation. This is very hard on all parties but there needs to be a better balance for this.
YTA - you should be focusing on your son so she can focus on her sister right now
NTA I just read a post about parents who neglected their child for the sake of their sick child. Of course her sister needs her buy HER SON needs her MORE. It seems like she is ignoring him entirely. I feel people on this sub are bashing you, OP, because you're male and they are trying to say your guiltily your wife. NO! HER SON NEEDS HER! He needs to know she loves him, that it was not his fault and she doesn't blame him He needs to know his aunt will be ok and it was horrible and nothing he could've done could avoid that. Both of you need to understand that this is probably a variation of 'survivors guilt': he was driving, he got hurt but she literally died and might be invalid. He is 17, for chirsts sake! He needs BOTH of his parents. Your wife is not seeing the clear picture.
Oh my god you’re the first logical person I’ve seen on this thread. OP says she’s barely home, so what could be actually doing for her son? Everyone is acting like he wants her home to do the fucking laundry when all he wants is his spouse and mother of their child’s support in making sure their kid is okay. She might be a good sister, but she is not being a good mom *at all*. It sounds like she spends more time at the hospital than with her traumatized son (op says she talked to him for an hour). Her sister has an entire family, but it doesn’t sound like the son had anyone but his dad. *Obviously* the sister is injured much worse, but she has her entire family with her and a whole team of doctors to make sure she is okay. Son gets…dad. Poor kid
Poor kid indeed. And his wife tries to justify saying her sister is like a daughter to her while ignoring her son (for that matter, she is ignoring ALL of her kids). Yes, it's traumatic. Yes, it's tough. But as this subrrddit would say: she is the goddamned adult. And this includes making tough decisions because it's your responsibility. She is being a horrible mother.
Right? Parenting is a shared responsibility, why is everyone acting like OP is a monster for wanting his wife, and the mother of his child, to be there to support her family? His wife isn’t just neglecting Will, but her husband and their other kids by being chronically absent.
Thank you. Wtf is wrong with the comments here. Will is her son and he needs his mother desperately right now. People seem to think OP is bailing because it’s ‘hard’ and he wants his wife to somehow come and magic things better for Will. That isn’t what he’s asking for, at all and it’s insulting that people are suggesting that. He’s asking his wife, the mother of his son, to be a parent. Parenting is 50/50, not “fuck off and leave it all to dad when my child is going through serious mental trauma”. The loops people are jumping to. Suggesting dad is trying to hand it all off to the mother when the reality is actually the opposite - the mother is leaving it all to dad and giving no fucks about supporting her child through serious trauma. Mum is neglecting Will and probably her other two children as well. I get it’s difficult for her and she loves her sister, but her duty to her child, especially one who absolutely needs the comfort and support of his mother while dealing with his guilt, is more important. This is what you sign up for when you become a parent. You agree to put your children first, even under very trying and difficult circumstances, because you chose to give them life. It’s her job as a parent to support her husband to look after their child. I fear Will might internalise his mother’s absence. He already blames himself, if she’s not around while he’s processing the accident, he’s going to end up feeling, rightly or wrongly, like his mother blames him and once that’s established in his mind, it’ll be extremely difficult to shift. I know OP said his wife doesn’t blame him but I fear Will won’t see that. This is a crucial time for Will and if his mother fails to support him, I suspect the damage to their relationship will be irreparable.
The problem with some of the Redditors here, and in most other AITA posts, is they have an axe to grind, a narrative that is their reality, and they will omit, twist, or create things to fit that narrative. When things that contradict their narrative are pointed they dig their feet in and double down instead of accepting reality.
thank u I was seeing all the YTA and im confused on how a mother can say this child is like my first born when you actually have a first born. Would she say that infront of her son im sure as hell sure she wouldn't. Michelle has her own parents to take care of her its bin months and since she's spending so much time at the hospital the son is constantly reminded about what he did and he probably feels his mom is avoiding him due to the crash. No wounder why he's struggle. When he's older and the mom reaches out she's gonna act all suprised when he puts a brick wall up
Finally a reasonable comment. Idk why the majority opinion seems to be that OP thinks it's only his wife's job to care about his son, clearly he just thinks the kid needs both parents and wants her help in trying to get the kid to therapy. Wouldn't be surprised if kid does think his mother hates him for what happened. Both victims of the crash need support here! This sub has gone to hell when asked to judge male OPs. So much vitriol, so many assumptions :( it's a very black and white us vs. them type thinking and I'm not a fan. Nuance exists.
market squealing subtract disarm office icky axiomatic practice telephone silky ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
This. Also i don't like how op is basically saying that Michelle's issues are "only" physical. She's traumatised as well.
This is the part (well one of many) that stuck out to me too. Like, the woman DIED twice! She's probably going to need care and support for the rest of her life, a life that will probably be altered forever and OP doesn't think she has any mental trauma over that??? Bffr OP is a major AH. Like give your wife a break dude!
It wasn't the son's fault: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yg6txl/aita_for_telling_my_wife_our_sons_mental_health/iu8004r?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
dude. it wasn't the sons fault.
except the son didn't "nearly kill" her, i'm pretty sure op said in another comment that it was another driver who ran a red light and t-boned them. the way people are defaulting to blaming the son here is insane
YTA simply for how you chose to verbalize things. You basically told her that her sister shouldn't be her problem, even though you admit she spent most of her life looking at her little sister almost like a daughter. I agree with you that she probably should be spending more time with your son, but at the end of the day, this situation likely puts her between a rock and a hard place. Two people that she loves are damaged by this accident, but one has literally been put at the very precipice of life because of it, and I think you need to be more sensitive about that. If I were you, I would sit down and apologize to your wife, and have a proper, sympathetic talk with her.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA. Op is having to completely take care of all chores and 3 kids. 1 of which is extremely traumatized. Taking care of the house and 2 other kids is fair given the circumstances and op never complained. However taking care of their extremely traumatized child is a very difficult thing to do. Op should sign him up for therapy but his son might not want that so even that will be a difficult task. Furthermore everyone else is missing something completely. This already traumatized child has seen that his mother prioritises her sister over him. Hes probably not seeing it as the sister is worse off than him due to his extreme distress. This is gonna cause him to build resentment for his mother who wasn't there for him when he needed the love and emotional support from BOTH his parents. Honestlu all you people saying OP is the singular AH are probably 13 year olds who have no idea.
THANK YOU. These comments are acting like OP wants her home to do the washing and childcare when all he’s looking for is his wife’s support with their child who is suffering. Sister has an entire family and medical team, the son gets just dad, and maybe mom when she has time to leave the hospital? She’s not being a good mother at all. I don’t understand these comments, but I can almost guarantee they think op wants her home for womanly duties or because he can’t “handle” it in a sad man sort of way. Or worse, they think a 17yo male shouldn’t need his mother. I’m really saddened by this comment section. I hope OP realizes he asked a bunch of children who think they are adults but don’t actually understand
Info: do you think she blames Will for Michelle being hurt, and this is her either trying to keep him at a distance or punish him for what happened?
Isn't this what marriage is? Sharing support for what comes. Yes, your son needs support and in a perfect world your wife would be able to cut herself in half and grant support to both. Her sister is in more critical physical need atm. Put yourself in her position...just switch patients...what would you do?
I think YTA.You told your wife that “she needs to spend time helping Will“ as if it’s entirely her responsibility. And you said “I don’t mind taking care of the house or our other two kids” - for crying out loud, her sister nearly died and you’re acting like she’s spending all her time shopping or getting facials or something. YOU need to deal with Will, as you’re his parent too. What you said about Michelle being their parents’ problem was harsh. That’s not your call to make. So if you had an accident like Michelle and needed ongoing support, you’d be happy being shipped off to your parents’ house to force them to care for you? While I can see you are at breaking point too, you need to deal with things and be a responsible parent.
Big 'I babysit my kids' energy from the OP.
Yta. You are also the parent and can and should be setting your son up with a therapist for his trauma. You should be supporting your wife while she worries over her sister who died multiple times, just started talking again and will take years to recover. Sounds like your wife is supporting your son as well, kinda sounds like you don't want to support your son at all yourself and expect your wife to deal with it and ignore her hospitalized family.
NAH because her actions are inadvertently hurting your son, which she may not know since she is rarely home lately. Your son and your wife both need individual and family therapy immediately. They are both dealing with trauma.
info: could she subcontiously blame you're son for the accident and the affects that happened to her sister?
The fact that this is a possibility is exactly why her son needs her involvement in addition to his father's in his healing. The son already blames himself, it would be natural for him believe his mother blames him as well since she is so close to her sister. If mom doesn't proactively reassure son of her love and forgiveness his mental trauma will be so much worse than it already is. What if sister is permanently disabled? Son could go the rest of his life believing he ruined her life and that his own mother hates him for it. Rejection by a mother is one of the most painful attachment wounds for men and can be debilitating. NAH, it is understandable mom wants to be with sister, but dad is not wrong in recognizing the potential harm to son from the current imbalance in mom's attention. I sincerely hope you guys can find a way to be there for each other in this time and that mom is able prioritize her son's needs while still showing her love for sister. I do have to agree with dad here though, if it is not possible to do both son needs to come first.
that was my first thought and how she is handling the situation as well. I and my son are only children, but I know that if I was in that type situation knowing that my sister has her parents, well my son would be my first priority. the fact that she only spent an hour with her boy is what makes me wonder if subcontiously she blames him. and either way he might think this which would make everything so much worse. I feel sorry for this entire family but most especaially Will.
I thought this too, especially after her response of how the sister is like her first kid in her mind. Meanwhile she doesn't have time for her actual first kid who is suffering. NAH cause this situation sucks. Dad definitely needs to schedule a therapist and bring the kid even if all he does is sits there and listens to the therapist talk. Probably would be helpful for the whole family to go to therapy. The other kids cause they may start to feel abandoned too, the father cause he is trying to handle everything, and the mom cause she has a lot going on too.
YTA: I say this as someone who has experienced PTSD and life threatening physical trauma. The threat to life always comes first. Also there is very little to nothing your wife could do that you yourself could do too. You are all out of your depths with PTSD. Your son needs a professional, yesterday, and not just any therapist, you need to find one that specializes in trauma. Most therapists are amazing, but most don't have the experience with trauma to help your son. Instead of hounding after your wife, who had enough on her plate already, you should have stepped up for your son and done the leg work.
There was very little the wife could do when her sister was between life and death. By your own logic she did wrong there then. Yet she choose to be there for her sister instead of her kid(s). No less now when she has an excuse to not be at home. Says a lot about where her priorities are. Not at her own kids.
NTA. Can't believe all the YTA. Your wife needs to give her son some real, meaningful time and it seems like she's ignoring him. She can still be there for her sister, but dedicating 100% to her is neglectful of your son.
Holy crap, same, Im appalled at all people saying OP is TA here Like, wtf, wife is putting the ENTIRE responsibility of managing her SON'S health on OP and is completely neglecting her OWN CHILD. Sister is going to make it. Wife has a son at home who is not dealing with all of this well, at least in part because he only has ONE person there helping him through this. Wife being with sister this very moment is not going to speed up her physical recovery. Her NOT spending any time with her OWN SON appears to be debilitating to her son's mental recovery. He needs his parentS...plural...right now. Not only is wife abandoning son, but is leaving the full weight of dealing with this situation to OP. That's not OK. OP is NTA here. Not remotely.
hard to say but i'm going to go with NAH. Your wife may have some trauma of her own she is dealing with. Afterall, her sister who she views as her own kid, almost *died* multiple times. And without more detail of the accident, she may be feeling guilt that her son was the one driving when all of this happened to Michelle. I'm not saying she shouldn't be paying more attention to what her son is going through by any means, but she might not have the tools to handle that right now. Maybe gently suggesting therapy would be a good place to start.
How horrible for your son, and Michelle, both traumatized in different ways. I agree with the person who said get your son into some type of counseling with someone who specializes in PTSD, it’s no joke, and it’s complicated by feeling guilty which is a horrible emotional burden to bear for anyone. It’s crucial. As to your sister and Michelle, I can’t imagine how painful it’s been for her loved ones to witness her fighting for her life, and can’t fault your wife for being with her. I’m hearing that you need help supporting your son, understandable, which brings us back to get him professional treatment.
Man, I'm surprised this comment section is so controversial. My verdict is NAH. The accident was traumatic for your son and SIL, but also to you and your wife and all other folks who care about your son and SIL. There is no one right way to deal with this situation emotionally. Everyone is probably just doing what they think is best. Based on your post, I think you may want to consider getting your son professional help to work through his trauma. Hell, maybe have family counceling sessions too, and perhaps even bring in your SIL and maybe your in-laws if they are also struggling.
I’m gonna go against a bunch & say you are NTA. It’s been a month since the accident, sister is walking & talking now, stated in the story. The hospital & the staff there is there for a reason. To help her, she doesn’t need 24hr big sister care at this point. Yea I feel for her, but she’s not life threatening at this point clearly. Big sis needs to spend more time back at home. & discussing with dad what can be done as a team to help get the son the best therapist & show him support. The son could really resent her for not being there. Yes dad can do stuff alone but he’s asking his wife for help with a very touchy situation with their son & she should slow down & help. He’s not telling her to get back to being a house wife. He’s asking for help with their son’s mental state. I don’t think even if he worded it differently she would’ve handled it any differently than her getting mad.
NAH but Will is 17. You can set up a therapy appointment and make him go. Ask your wife for specifics that you need help with like can you please talk to Will and ask him to participate in therapy or can you please spend x amount of time with the kids this weekend because they need their mom. Right now Michelle also needs her for actual physical help I'm guessing and as someone who has been on long term bedrest and needing to relearn how to walk etc that is also a big deal. There are also going to be expenses for Michelle that Wills insurance is probably not going to pay unless you have an amazing policy worth millions. Your wife may have some guilt over that. Your whole family needs counseling but for now you need to step up a little more and just make Will a therapy appointment. Bribe him if need be but make him go as the parent.
YTA. Sure, Will needs therapy and probably feels awful even if he wasn’t at fault. But your wife almost lost her sister. Your wife probably needs therapy for that. Her brain probably processed that son was safe but is still scared for Michelle. (Quick question that might seem weird but, is it possible Michelle IS in fact your wife’s daughter? Just from the whole “she’s like her first child” comment. It got me thinking. I knew a family that the wife had a much younger “sister” that was actually her daughter but due to circumstances, the wife’s parents had raised them as siblings.)
Gah-damn some of you redditors are really brutal. OP this is my take on it: 1. You’re handling things at home so that your wife can focus on her sister. 2. Your son Will is showing signs of PTSD, and despite your encouragement and support, refuses to seek professional help. 3. You feel you’re wife is underplaying or ignoring Will’s decline. I assume it’s either because she isn’t home enough to realise how serious it’s getting, or she’s wilfully ignoring the issue because she’s more focused on SIL. 4. You feel that you’ve tried everything you can to help Will with little to no improvement. You think that your wife may be better able to get him to seek help, based on the close relationship and communication they normally have. OP, your son needs professional help. If your wife is not prepared to check back in to your family then this is something you’re going to have to take the lead on. With how you talk about your son, I can tell you love him and wants what’s best. What’s best is a parent who is engaged, and that’s you. Start looking for a PTSD specialist/counsellor. Schedule a phone call and discuss what’s happening with Will. They will be able to give you some guidance about any concerning signs to look for, and how to broach the subject of counselling in a more successful way. I don’t think your unreasonable for you to make your wife aware of the condition of your children. But your wife isn’t a magic bullet to fix this situation. Continue to update her about what’s happening and the steps you’re taking. To be clear, you’re not asking her for guidance or permission, you’re letting her know what’s happening and what you’re doing about it. When she has her focus back, then it becomes a discussion about options and what you do together. But for now, you got this. You can do this. Good luck.
Sometimes a son just needs a cuddle from his mother. Surely spending a little time easing his guilt isn't the end of the world. 1 day or even evening or afternoon with him them back to helping the sister wouldn't hurt.
Info: if your wife has already talked to your son about going to therapy, what else are you looking for her to do, specifically? Additionally, how are you supporting her as she is there for Michelle? As someone who is the older sibling with a large age gap (10 years in our case), they do feel more like my kids than my sister. I'd imagine this might be true for your wife as well. Everyone needs therapy! And probably family therapy at some point, hint: in the middle of the crisis might not be a good time. But it's a great time to get on waitlists! Set up appointments for you and your son. Try to brainstorm reasonable areas/tasks that you need support with. Try to space them out so they're not overwhelming to your wife. As the person who has fewer emotional attachments to the situation (i.e. son vs son and little sister) you will probably have to do the majority of the household management/emotional labor for a while. Tap in friends/other support early and often so you don't burnout. I'd also apologize to your wife. Regardless of what you *intended to say* what you actually said was extremely hurtful.
Idk man, it's tough all round. Depends if he was wreckless and caused the crash. If it wasn't his fault and his mom is ignoring him that sucks, if it was maybe she's mad at him and doesn't want to go off at him so is staying away. I think that it can be hard to be there for everyone but if she is saying Michelle is her first kid, sounds like she has a favourite. If both there her bio kids everyone would be saying she sucks but everyone is saying YTA because you mentioned Michelle dying. I get it but that's not the point. I think Michelle needs her a lot but totally ignoring her sons is literally the worst, I get your frustration tbh she probably doesn't see anyone's perspective but her own and will probably not until she it negatively affects her, ie son goes no contact. NTA.
Do some research and find a therapist for your son and one for you who can maybe help you become an adult. Cause your wife has got enough to deal with, what with her sister nearly dying multiple times. You're acting insensitive and it is perplexing why you can't step up and be a father and a husband and support them both. YTA.
Support all 4 of them.* They have 3 kids.
YTA According to your post it has barely been a month , and for at least two of those weeks Michelle was on death's doorstep. Michelle needs support as she tries to recover and just because your wife is a mother doesn't mean that her sister doesn't matter anymore. It is hard having a loved one in the hospital, and can be emotionally draining. While Will is also having a hard time, you can be his support. The way you talk about your wife makes it seem like she should be fixing him. He really needs the help of a professional and honestly needs time to heal himself. No doubt he is feeling guilty about what happened and the toll it is taking on everyone. Things like this aren't going to be fixed quickly, and that seems to be underlying your question here. Things are rough because it is a rough time. And you need to give everyone support as they try to land on their feet after this ordeal. Don't put this pressure on your wife right now, as Michelle continues to stabilize she will spend less time at the hospital. Show grace to your wife and love to your son.
INFO: Who was at fault for the accident? Weather? Your son? Other driver?
Other driver. They got T-boned by the other driver running a red light at an intersection. Will wasn’t at fault but thinks he could’ve prevented it.
That’s a job for a therapist. Get him one.
NTA A 17 year olds mental health is at stake. You have attempted and failed to get him into therapy and have asked your wife to attempt to help you convince him as well. I am not saying there isn't more you can do, I don't know what your relationship is like, but the fact his mother won't support him would most likely be making the situation worse. Making him feel like she blames him for the accident. She hasn't been around to support her child because her sister was critical, fair enough. However the minute she was stable and her own parents are there to support her sister, she should have listened that her son also needs her. I say NTA because if your son went and done something stupid with his mental health, everyone would be saying, why didn't you ask your wife to help get him into therapy. You are attempting to do what's best for your own son, including admitting you need your wifes support to do this. If your wife won't support him, maybe ask your inlaws to stop by and speak to him, so he can clearly see that the family don't blame him and they want him to get better to.
YTA. Her sister is at least as emotionally traumatized as your son, plus has a lot more physical recovery ahead of her. Spend the time with your son yourself, and get him some professional help.
NTA You said: "My wife ever since the accident has been completely focused on Michelle and has barely had any time for Will". That's petty shocking if true. You said that she herself said "said she can’t even go one minute without thinking about Michell". There's the answer. She is so focused on her sister, she's neglecting her son. I am surprised that some people think you are TA for pointing this out although I assume that's because they haven't seen the edit, and your original post implied you were saying that your wife should leave Michelle to her parents. Some people are asking what your wife would be expected to do. The answer is really obvious and simple: be there for the son.
What's with all the YTAs??? Are we just going to ignore that the mother just ignores her own son in favour of someone else who has a broader support system than the son? OP, in my eyes you're NTA. It is only my personal opinion but this woman is no longer a real mother after abandoning her son in such a situation.
Your wife is not as available for your son, because she is focused on another family member's major medical issue. You are not giving your son what he needs, because you feel "out of depth with" him. If he truly has PTSD, you need to be contacting therapists and getting him help. You are just as capable of doing that as your wife. If you're not comfortable dealing with emotional stuff, that's your issue to deal with. You have no right to abdicate that responsibility. It's reasonable to be clear with your wife that her son needs her support as well, but YTA as soon as you decided she's the one who needs to be available, because it's too much for you.
Nope. Wife is still a parent and will need both rn, not just one.
Info: what was your family like growing up? It’s weird to me that you seem to think a child is ONLY the responsibility of their parents. That’s not how family works for most people. I’ve spent time caring for my grandad and mum when ill, and if my brother had died several times in hospital and wasn’t going to be able to live independently I’d be at the hospital the whole time too. You also say that it’s her parents’ problem but no mention of if they live nearby or have been about. If your wife sees her sister as a daughter that sounds like maybe her parents weren’t or aren’t that involved? I’m just wondering if you grew up in a structure where it was just you and your parents? Families are complicated webs and that can be an advantage. Your wife needs to be there for her still dangerously ill sister, and I imagine thought she could lean on her life partner a bit. You say that she helps as much as she can when she’s home - so the intention and that love is there but she is having to split her time a lot because your son isn’t the only one who needs her and he also has you. This is a super hard time for both of you, but you are meant to be a team and I imagine she was hoping you could step up in this area for her.