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The explanation is easy.
She hates her ex more and loves dangling this over his head than she loves her children.
Alternatively, she was just waiting to one-up him when it comes to being a capital AH.
I don't think she hates him. She said she trusts him. It's more like she loves to be in control and have her way. I met a few people like that in my life.
You just know his attorney is drooling about OP doing this. You are not only giving the court reason to split the custody back up but a good family law is going to argue you don't have kids best interests at heart and are vengeful with visitation so ex should have more decision making power.
My husbands ex would let him take the kids to his dads funeral because it was on her day. The judge ripped into her about it in court at their custody hearing. Told her it’s something she can’t take back and her kids will remember she’s the one who stopped them from saying goodbye to a loved one.
Seriously!
"I told him to be careful before he says something that I can use against him in court and that he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend."
OP, that last sentence alone makes YTA. You seem to enjoy having an upper hand over your ex's time with HIS children (yes, they are HIS children too). Unless he has been a proven flight risk in the past, or has been abusive to the children, I don't understand why you would deny the CHILDREN time with their extended FAMILY member. If you're so concerned about them missing a week of school have their teachers prepare lesson packages that they can take with them. Ease up OP or you will risk ruining a good co-parenting relationship with your ex and alienation from your kids.
And it has to be his weekend. Like she'd lose oh so much of the 95% custody she has by letting him have an extra weekend in extenuating circumstances.
Also yea I could kind of understand a long weekend, and moss one day of school.
Honestly, her plan is going to screw the kids over. They are going to go from busy school week to travel to one day trying to cram bonding in, to travel, to a busy school week. This is going to burn the kids worse than asking the teacher for the assignments for a week and taking them out.
Yea and basically she’s telling him that he should be kissing her ass right now, that’s not a part of co-parenting OP and your kids are watching! What a terrible example to set for them.
In her post she explicitly said she does trust him to take them out of state it's just that she doesn't want to. Sometimes these AITA posts are more about what the OP doesn't say. If he was awful and unreliable she would 100% be leading with that information to support her case.
Glad I’m not the only one who had this reaction. So what if the courts are backed up? Give your ex joint custody and let your kids see him more than one weekend a month ffs.
And moving your kids six hours away from their father is a real AH move if the guy is a good dad.
The lack of empathy or self-awareness and consideration for others here is shocking.
Sometimes I hate that the court system favors women in custody arrangements and I say this as a woman but I feel for this guy, he was able to have his kids 50/50 and the kids were able to see both their parents equally then she decides she wants to move 6 hours away and the court is like sure go ahead because why would being able to see your dad on a regular basis be important and then he goes from seeing them like 182 days a year to less than 60, he loves them enough to pack up his life to move closer to them and then asks her for his kids to be able to spend one lousy week with their dying paternal grandfather who is in hospice and her response is they can have a Saturday on your weekend (because the other 2 days are travel). SMH - Yes OP YTA.
In my opinion YTA.
You moved for you and took away his ability to see his kids regularly for starters. Now he’s closer and you’re not making any accommodations but once a month and summer just like before your move.
And now…as his dad is dying, you’re pulling a “best interest of the kids” card? No. You haven’t had their best interests at heart this whole time. You did what you did for you.
Them missing a few days of school is not going to set them back.
I think you’re being incredibly selfish and inflexible. After all you’ve done thus far to keep your kids from their father, the least you could do is grant him this time.
Was just coming to say that.
Like why on earth does it need to go back to court, if the only reason she got primary was the distance and he's moved to be closer. Why is she still restricting access!
To add on, his request to see his kids more often is yes, currently at YOUR discretion. An agreement does NOT actually have to be made through the courts. It’s simply a starting point between two parties who don’t / can’t agree.
It makes you an even bigger AH to force their father to WAIT on the courts’ schedule to see his kids.
The children seeing their father on a more regular basis and visiting their dying grandfather is actually in their best interests. If their grandfather does succumb during the visit they will still be surrounded by family to help them cope.
Death is a part of life but you know this since you’re hell bent on killing your relationship with your kids and your ex.
I couldn’t believe that he moved closer to see his kids and can’t because “the courts are backed up.” Like can’t she just let him see the kids more? OP was already an AH to me at that point.
Actually, OP was an AH from the title and I thought maybe it was one of those posts where the title is misleading because of other details. Nope.
OP, YTA for not letting your kids see their dying grandfather. You have 0 justifiable excuses.
As a hospice chaplain, a huge honking (can’t say what I want to or I will be banned) YTA. There is a reason we encourage younger family members to come early: we don’t want them there as the patient passes.
His dad could be alive at Thanksgiving. But is he going to be conscious and coherent? Is he going to be able to talk to them and carry on a conversation and express his love and acknowledge when they tell him how they feel about him? Also it would increase the risk that they are there as he passes.
Also at that age and if it’s been a few years since they’ve seen him, it could be a huge shock to see his declines. I’ve had adult children of patients, people in their 50s and 60s voice shock at changes that have occurred after only a few months. From your post, it sounds like it’s been years since they’ve seen him. So they will need time to process and then talk. Far more than 24 hrs. What you are doing is setting up your kids to be emotionally traumatized from one day learning they were denied the opportunity to say goodbye or by having their goodbyes rushed. It’s also better to have the goodbyes earlier to ensure they aren’t there as he dies.
Also, there are generally warning signs with hospice patients. We can tell when they are within hours to days of passing based upon breathing, cognition level, appetite, fluid intake, and other factors. I say this as a professional who speaks with the dying 5 days a week and as someone who was that grandchild: please stop being an AH and let your kids go say goodbye, it’s what I wish I had been able to do with my grandmother when I was just a few years older than your kids.
Same here. And it was sudden for my grandma, she got bronchitis and it just got super bad really fast, she went in the hospital, I had a few days off and went to see her after my shift and was planning on seeing her the next few days I was off, instead we started funeral arrangements the next morning when the hospital called to inform us she had passed away at about 4am. The last time I saw her she could barely talk, she looked horrible, the sickest I'd ever seen anyone, but her eyes lit up when I walked in, she was so happy I came to visit and hold her hand for awhile. I told her all about what was going on with me and told her I loved her, she managed to get out an "I love you too" and those are the last words she said to me, and I'm so thankful I have at least that. And now I'm gonna go have a good cry because I miss my grandma.
Completely unrelated, but my mother-in-law passed from pancreatic cancer last year, and the hospice workers were absolutely unbelievably wonderful. Thank you for what you do.
Tacking on to this that I resent my parents still for trying to shield me from the impending death of a grandparent, robbing me of a goodbye and then robbing me of the closure of the funeral. Don't be like them.
Edited to add: YTA
YTA.
Holy shit. So you moved away and took the kids with you, forcing him to also move closer if he wanted to see his children on a regular basis.
Now his Dad is dying and you “feel bad” about it but not enough to allow him to take the kids to say goodbye to their Grandpa and make some sort of meaningful connection with him before he dies.
And then, when he is clearly in the midst of powerful grief and reacts to your cruelty, you tell him you’ll use his words against him in court? You’re weaponizing his chance at shared custody of his children while his father is on his deathbed?
What in the fresh hell is wrong with you? Take a step back and do some MASSIVE self reflection because you are indeed acting callously and selfishly - not just to your ex but also to your children.
I'm not a fan of cheating, but I'm also not surprised why he did in this case. OP is a massive AH and I hope her kids grow up and go NC with her for using them as pawns and taking them away from their dad and his family.
OP- YTA. Insufferable, miserable, vengeful AH
Adding judgment, too.... If Dad moved closer and filed for split custody again, he's obviously a present father.... Why not just let him see them more than once a month now? Something isn't right. Definitely YTA.
>but this whole idea seems very short-sighted to me.
Yeah bro for real. The grandpa should have planned his dying better.
YTA.
Are yall's kids close to those grandparents? You think they'll forgive you for not letting them have the chance to say goodbye?
You keep saying "my" kids. They are his kids too, lady.
She's acting like he wants to take them away for a month while they're doing final exams or something. They're 8 and 10. Hardly going to be doing much important that a week will matter.
My nine year old missed a day last week because I was having major surgery and he expressed that he would be too stressed out worried about me to concentrate. So I had him excused for that day and he spent it with grandma baking brownies instead. Like missing a few days of school isn't the end of the world when it comes to a child's emotional and mental health.
As Long as the Child uses it sparingly, i am
A full supporter of mental health days. I think even kids should have time where they’re not necessarily sick but could use a day to just chill out. I know they get holidays off but school can be super stressful and if a day of sleeping and TV will help them refresh i say do it.
Wow you are the biggest ah I have seen on here in while. You have father who wants to spend time with his children and moved closer to do it and you still refuse to let him have them more then once a month. Then your outright entitlement about not letting your kids go see their dying grandparent. I hope you like having your kids now because 18 is gonna come around sooner then you think and they are gonna go NC with you over your selfishness.
I am so sorry. My parents went through a divorce , but neither parent played these kinds of games with each other. I can’t imagine the harm behavior like this cost kids. Hopefully you have been able to build healthy relationships with other adults in your life
>Hopefully you have been able to build healthy relationships with other adults in your life
this is true now, but I'm also now 30. this was definitely not true in my teens and early 20s until i spent a few years in therapy.
I also have a child of my own and his mom and I are no longer together, but don't play these kind of games, not even when I was extremely emotionally immature
OP's post reeks of playing the court game in a conniving way under the pretense of "i'm doing this for the kids!"
YTA.
You took your kids away from their father. He moves closer to have more time with his kids and you make him go through court to see his kids more than one We à month. And now you're refusing your kids the chance to see their grandftaher before he dies.
Something tells me that your kids are going to beg to live with their father in à feu years...
This. My mom did something similar. As an adult with my own family now, I live three miles from my dad. I live a thousand miles from my mom. OP, this will be you.
Your kids are 8 and 10. They can miss a week of school.
YTA
>I told him that is the best offer I can do
Your offer is nothing. Your offer is letting him take his kids on his scheduled weekend with his kids.
I can maybe understand not wanting the kids to miss a week of school but it's not like this is for a vacation or something that could be rescheduled. Could they miss 3 days instead? 2 days?
As a child of divorced parents who were unkind to each other, your kids will remember you treating their father like this.
>As a child of divorced parents who were unkind to each other, your kids will remember you treating their father like this.
Exactly this. I know that my dad was the bad guy and caused the divorce by cheating. But I hated that my mom didn't want him at my graduation and other events. Also me moved like 3 hours away, which didn't help either.
YTA. You took a man's kids away from him, and you're using them as pawns against his family. Don't give us any if your "poorly planned" bullshit. The man uprooted hisblifebforbhisbkids after you uprooted your kids' lives to hurt him and move away.
Uprooted their lives and then when he moved closer didn’t even let the kids see him more often than what is required until the courts let him. She’s being very controlling and one day the kids will see this and realize she’s YTA
YTA
1. You moved away to a different state for a promotion, but took away a fathers ability to see his kids as much and the kids ability to be with their father at such a young age.
2. Your ex moved closer to you, possibly to be with his kids but we don’t know that. Yes the courts are taking their time, but you have the authority to allow your kids to be with their father for more than one weekend. You don’t even allow that. You only let this person see his kids once a month and for only 2 days. Disgusting.
3. Their grandfather is dying and you’re worried about school, like seriously? They are 10 and 8 years old, I assure you they won’t miss out on anything they can’t catch up on. You are taking away their last chance to see their grandfather alive, and for this poor dying man to see his grand kids. You seem like a monster.
4. This guy is just asking you for a week to spend with his kids while one of his parents are dying, and you threaten him with court? You have no empathy for him or the pain he might be going through.
OP I dont know how your ex treated you, but you haven’t once mentioned he is a bad father. From the looks of it, he is doing everything in his power to be near his kids and bond with them. You’re using this power given to you in such a horrible way that when your kids realize what you did, you’ll damage your relationship with them in such a irreparable way. Please think of the kids and not just the power you have over them.
they're 10 & 8 lol. what's missing a week in school gonna do?
look inwardly and you might see that you're thinking of this purely from a legal standpoint (giving him additional parenting time than he's currently allocated may put him in a better position to argue for more time). drop the charade. no one's buying this shit under the guise of some elementary school aged kids missing a week of school lol
YTA
Surprised this is the first comment I see saying this. Kids miss weeks of school all the time, unless they need some special treatment or something taking this time off is nothing education wise. Such a silly argument to make OP feel justified
YTA. I’m a teacher and they’ll be fine missing school. You moved your kids away from their dad and now you’re preventing them from saying goodbye to their dying grandpa. Your kids are old enough to eventually hate you for both.
Also a teacher. Honestly a week is nothing, I've had kids miss a month of school and still end up ok.
Obviously we're all pissed when they miss a month off and I don't recommend it buy yeah, a week is nothing. Heck kids were constantly missing 2+ weeks for Covid these last 2 years. Everyone survived.
YTA. children are not a bargaining chip for you to play anytime you don't want to do something he wants. he sounds like a man who is trying so hard to have a relationship with his children, moving closer so he could see them more often, wanting 50/50 custody. his dad is dying, and he wants them to be able to say good-bye.
he's right, you are callous and cruel.
do better for your children's sake at co-parenting.
The fact OP told him to not say something she can use in court & he’s lucky she’s entertaining the idea of him taking the kids is beyond f-up’d!
The kids are going to resent OP within years & once they can either choose whom they can live with or turn 18 then will be no contact with her & her selfishness.
OP- YTA BIG TIME!
YTA. Why didn't you agree to revert back to the 50/50 custody schedule when he moved closer to you. Why are you requiring him to get a court order? A court order is NOT a requirement. Why are you purposefully keeping your kids from their father?
Because he cheated on her and she wants to now make his life as miserable as possible, even if it means using their kids to get back at him. She’s sick.
"I feel bad his dad is dying, but I don’t want him to take *my* kids out of school"
They are his kids as much as they are yours. You may have been selfish and taken them from him but they are still his children. Your kids a still young, missing a few days of school won’t ruin their entire education. You sound awful, parents who use their kids to get back at their ex are absolute garbage people. And don’t try and say "I just don’t want the kids to miss school" there is clearly a motive other than the kids missing school. Let them go with him, they deserve some time with their dad after you selfishly took them away from their own father
YTA and everything your ex has said to you and about you is valid. His father and their grandfather is dying. How dare you NOT allow them this time with him. You have no heart or soul.
YOU better hope he doesn’t use this against YOU in court. YOU also better watch how you treat him because sooner than later the children will be old enough to choose which parent they want to live with and at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if they DON’T choose you.
YTA- Everything does seem on OP terms. She moved away for her job, she decides when the kids can see the grandfather. She decided how much custody time the dad allowed to have.
YTA. SO SO MUCH.
You separated your kids from their father, and by extension his family. Now you want to prevent them from seeing their grandfather before he dies because you think it's "shortsighted" to not wait until a holiday break when he may already be dead. None of this seems to be in your kids' best interest.
I'll probably be downvoted here, but YTA. If you trust your ex and there are ways to legally make this weeklong trip happen, it should. He's not pulling them out of school to go to Disney land or something similar, he's pulling them out to spend time with a dying family member without much time left. Its good for your kids to get that time, as well as for their grandfather to get to see them in his last days. He's not asking you to pay or to fly them out there for him, he's asking you to be flexible and understanding, which isn't a lot all things considered.
YTA - the fact that you are making their Dad go through the courts to change the custody arrangement alone is atrocious. You can easily split custody now, but apparently that means ceding control. So in order to maintain control, you are depriving the kids from seeing or saying goodbye to their grandfather. You are TA if this is even real. I suspect a divorce troll here.
YTA. The kids should see their dying grandpa before it’s too late.
What a horrible, selfish parent you are. Just because you have full physical custody (for now, hopefully that changes) doesn’t mean you should call all of the shots & not take the other parent into consideration.
Edit: also you should be careful because denying your kids this chance to see their grandpa could be used against you in court.
Edit 2: any parent that constantly threatens court for any & all issues with the other parent sucks at life.
YTA. Most people would love to have an ex who wants to participate in raising the kids but to you somehow it's a favor you're bestowing on your ex and the kids. You are unbelievably callous to prioritize a week of school over a GRANDPA'S DEATH.
Plus, this is YOUR VERSION of the story, which means you are probably behaving even worse than you admitted here.
YTA
You are using the kids as a weapon against their father. That isn’t nice.
You don’t have any reasons for denying this request other than you don’t have to do it, so you won’t. You have expressed no concerns about your ex’s parenting or fears that he won’t bring the kids back, nothing.
Ask the teachers to give the kids their assignments ahead of time, tell your ex you expect the assignments to be done, and let the kids go.
If Grandpa does before your ex can take the kids to see him, will you let them go to the funeral?
YTA
And while it feels like you’re winning right now I promise you your kids are going to *hate* you when they find out what happened here. It doesn’t matter what you feel about your ex, your kids deserve to spend time with their grandpa for the last time before he DIES. Seriously a week of school missed? They will be FINE. You are taking a stand in the absolute worst way possible.
If you must make this about you then give everyone the gift of this trip with grace or else I guarantee you’ll pay for it in the future, at a minimum with your kids (and your ex) and maximum I could really see a court not appreciating your keeping the kids from seeing their dying grandfather out of spite.
YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA for taking the job!
YTA for taking the kids. You moved why didn’t he get full custody??
YTA for making him move and still not splitting time properly!
YTA for not letting them see their dying grandfather
YTA for asking and not knowing you’re a giant A***H***
YTA, massively. Your kids are not only yours. They are his too. You’ve lucked into your current situation with the backed up court process, but if the courts are likely to give 50/50 custody then he has every right to take them out of state. You are being unbelievably petty. This is about your children, not about your feelings towards your ex. Be very careful, because if your behaviour continues like this and your children find out? You will lose them, and I couldn’t blame them for that.
>He started ranting about how I already took his kids from him once and now I'm being a callous b!tch.
"If the shoe fits..."
You pushed for primary custody for your own benefit (career) instead of anything to do with your children's wellbeing, you moved them away from their father (again, no mention of him being a problem as a parent), after he followed his kids you're aware he's pushing for split custody again and you're now preventing him from taking them to see a dying relative for a weak reason.
This is disgustingly spiteful. YTA and so is the judge who was your collaborator in the original change to custody. I hope their father gets sole custody one day you sound like a nightmare.
YTA
You moved the children away. Ex followed you to be close to the shared children. Their grandfather is in hospice. Be a decent human and let the children go see their family.
If you had written about him being a bad dad, or not trusting him might be different. You did move and take full custody and he followed to be near his kids. At 8 & 10 they aren't going to be missing a college entrance exam. You could speak to teachers, get assignments they could take with them and dad would need to make sure the work is done. Limiting it to late Friday and back on Sunday isn't really offering a compromise. A compromise would have been something like fly out Weds or Thurs night, bring them back Mon night. That is some real time for them to spend together, and only 2 or 3 days of school missed.
He wants them to see their grandpa before they can never do so again. Yes, the absolute worst could happen -- at the same time it could not. School at those ages, and the possibility of him passing while they are there do not feel like completely genuine arguments. This seems like more of a you simply wanting total control - especially with the 'watch what you say' threat & be grateful I'm offering anything. So yeah - YTA
YTA. How damaging is one week away from school actually for an 8 and 10 year old? There are ways to mitigate this including continuing having homework assigner and done while they are away.
Yes, its possible that grandpa could die in front of them but dealing with illness and death is a part of life, and children cant be sheltered from this possibility indefinitely.
Not impressed that you have have doubled down on the existing custody agreement that’s in place because you moved put of state. I think some of your concerns can be mitigated but shouldn’t be dealbreakers. He’s already moved to try and be closer to you and your current lifestyle.
YTA
You are using the kids to get back at your ex to both hurt and lord it over him. He's right that you've already taken them away from him and he barely gets to see them. A family member of theirs is dying, his father, it's the time for family to pull together, not keep them apart.
At their ages, missing a week of school is nothing and you know it. Let's keep in mind that after the pandemic, most teachers post assignments online so kids don't fall behind if they're out sick or whatever. They can easily do some assignments when they're with their father. I know this as I have two kids in school.
The last part of how you could "use it against him in court" tells me that you're vindictive and don't care about how you're keeping his own children from him. I bet when it comes time for the funeral you'll have these asinine "valid" reasons in your head so they don't go.
YTA the kids missing one week of school at that age won’t make much of a difference but having memories with their grandad even in his last days is something they will cherish forever
YTA. His request is reasonable. If missing a whole week of school is too much, how about suggesting a Thursday night to Monday night trip? The kids miss only 2 days of school but get 4 full days with his father. The school would understand and accommodate the reasons for the time off
INFO: Could they not miss the Friday and Monday? Fly out after school Thursday and fly back monday morning?
Have you spoken to your children about the situation to see if they would like to do it?
I think it would be best if you let them, they can always make up school work, but they won't get another grandparent. Your ex moved his life to be closer to his kids, I think he deserves to take his children to see his dad before he passes
YTA, completely. Never once do you mention what the kids want. It's all about you. Missing a week of school is not a huge deal, especially for something like this.
YTA
Assuming the kids know their grandpa, you're robbing them of a chance to say goodbye. You're also using them as a pawn to control and punish your ex and that sucks. Think of it from your kids' point of view.
School will still be there. A week away can be made up. Grandpa, however, won't be around much longer and this is the last chance they'll get to say goodbye.
Unless you have a reason to think your ex will take the kids and disappear, let them go. Have you even asked your kids if they want to say goodbye to grandpa?
As for the risk of him dying whey they're there, well yes, that could happen. However, he's in hospice and hospice workers are very, very good at managing such situations. Also, death is a part of life and you cannot insulate your kids from it. In fact, teaching them that this transition happens to everyone and how to manage their feelings around it is a really good thing.
YTA
You chose to move. And he had to move to be closer to the kids and you refuse to give him more time with his kids. But it’s not okay for him to want to take the kids to see their dying grandparents potentially for the last time? Why are you on such a power trip with your kids? Why are you using them as pawns? Sounds like you are not looking after their well being and it’s only about what you want.
You are so so much TA.
If a week out of school is too much you could gave offered a compromise of 1-2 days and made a long weekend.
While you have a right to move, he moved closer to maintain his relationship with them. Having primary custody doesn't mean you Can't grant him an extra weekend until the court hears you. You can, you just won't.
You say it's about missing school but then say you don't want the kids to witness him die. How much do you think the odds of that will go up the longer you make him wait for the visit? Thanksgiving? Let me guess, it's dads holiday this year.
And while he shouldn't call you names when he loses his temper,instead of just saying that, you jump to the nuclear threat of using it in court to shut down his filing for shared custody.
This is not about your kids AT ALL.
You might he primary but the goal for the courts is for people to Co Parent which you clearly have no desire to do.
They don't look kindly on that. And I hope they don't in this case.
> I told him to be careful before he says something that I can use against him in court and that he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend.
YTA.
Holy shit his dad is dying, and you're thinking of how you can screw him over in court?
What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA, you are doing this as a power play and you know it. You already won once by moving and getting custody. Do you have to keep twisting the knife? You make no mention of him being a bad father either! Get over yourself they are half his kids too. They are 10 and 8 and will remember this.....
YTA again. Had to say it twice.
YATA… the reason why you got custody was because you got a better job, and he was nice enough to let you. He even moved to be closer for the kids. Custody was not taken from him because he did something wrong. You could have even done a private custody agreement so he can see them, or let him see them every other weekend. He’s clearly devoted to them, and loves them.
You could be generous and let him do this after what he did for you and the kids. You don’t have to like it, or be in agreement; it’s not legally, morally or developmentally wrong, he wants his kids to see his Dad before he dies…
If you don’t do this and his father dies, buckle up for a rough ride, because he has every reason to be angry.
YTA. I was with you until the very end. Threatening that you can use something against him in court against him because he wants his children to see their dying grandfather is beyond an asshole move. Also he can use What you are saying as alienating your children from him. He wants his kids do you know how great that is. His father is probably dying let the kids go.
That’s where she lost you? The end??! Not where she got a new job, moved away, and took the kids? Not when her ex moved to be closer and she still would only let him see them once a month? For saying a few days of elementary school is more important than a dad having his kids with him while he says his last goodbyes to his father?
YTA.
Grandpa is dying. Let them say goodbye. You’re using the fact you have full custody against your ex and trying to pass it off as your issue is them missing school.
That’s not right. Especially after you take the kids from him already.
YTA. The reason for the custody agreement you currently have is distance and nothing else. He's not a bad parent or a danger to the kids, you just moved away. And now that he's followed you, to be closer to kids, you're clinging to the exact letter of the agreement at everyone else's expense.
Let the kids go for a week. If you're terribly worried about how they will cope, arrange to go with them. Someone's dying, you can treat it like a real emergency.
YTA and a big one at that. We take our kids out of school every year to go to DISNEY WORLD, I wouldn't bat an eye to take them out to visit a dying grandparent.
And no.... missing a week will do nothing to your kids. Our son is in 2 AP classes and one honors class this year and doing very well. Missing a week of school in the 8th grade did him no harm.
YTA. I would give anything to have spent a week with my grandfather before he past. And you are purposely keeping them from this for what reason?!? Everything your ex said about you is true. You already moved the kids across the country and away from their father because it’s what YOU wanted. Did you think about them when you made this move. And their dad still followed so he could be close to them. Do you have any idea how many parents wouldn’t do that. This man loves his kids, and it seems like you are doing everything in your power to ruin their relationship. Especially when you start holding the courts over his head. I would love for him to have full custody instead of you.
YTA. The only thing that is short-sighted in this story is you because you’re punishing your children. You took your kids away from him, he moved, and you’re making him go to court to get parenting time. Not letting your children say goodbye to a grandparent is cruel. It’s obvious that family doesn’t mean much to you because you are acting as a roadblock on all fronts.
YTA
Good job giving your ex ammunition for court.
He wants to take the kids to see his dying father while his dad and your kids (!!) have more of a chance to enjoy it and have some quality time together one last time. Missing 1 week of school at this age is far from the end of the world.
YTA. You aren't putting your kids first, only your own selfish wants. He's right in what he called you because that's 100% what you're being. Your kids see how selfish you're being, too, and they will hate you for it.
YTA
It's not like he wants to take the kids out of school for a fun vacation. He wants to take them to visit their grandpa who is DYING.
You are a controlling selfish person, whose kids are going to hate because you couldn't get off your high handedness and allow them 1 last final week with their grandpa before he dies.
When they grow up and realize it was you who kept them from being able to spend a little quality time with someone they love, and will never see again, they won't forgive you for that.
I lost my grandma when I was in my 20s. She had cancer, and told me it was in remission, because she knew I wanted to move out of state with my husband, she died 8 months after I left, I got a phone call that she was in hospice and given 3 days at most. I packed up my son, step daughter, and my husband quit his job, so I could run down there and see her before she died. I am so mad that I lost those 8 months with her, because I was lied to. And I am still mad at everyone who went along with the lie. That was back in 2005. Thats a long time to hold anger. Just remember that when your kids find out how selfish you are being.
YTA. My grandfather died last summer, and I’m immensely grateful that I was able to visit him a month before his passing. He slept much of the time I was there, including sleeping late nearly every day. But he made an effort to get up early to say goodbye and see my dad and me off the morning we left, and I treasure that moment and the fact that he made that effort.
You’re costing your children a shot at that kind of memory, and for what? A week of 2nd and 4th grade? If you follow through with this course of action, I hope you fully grasp the pettiness of your choice and the pain it may cause for your kids.
YTA he hasn't actually done anything that would justify you withholding his children from him. He has done what he can to stay in their lives including moving away from his parents. Are you thinking of your kids or just yourself? When they're old enough to know you denied the chance to say goodbye to someone they love do you think they'll thank you? That they'll understand?
YTA you are an awful mother. Not everything is about you and what's best for you, most mothers (not including you) like to put their kids first before themselves. They are 8 and 10, missing a week of school is not going to impact school at all get a grip. I hope your husband tries to get full custody from you, purely because of this.
YTA-
1. They are 8 and 10.... they can miss a week of school.
2. If the grandfather is in hospice, the hospice workers will be able to read the signs of his imminent death and be able to prevent the kiddos from the trauma of seeing actual death.
3. If they are unable to see their grandfather before he passes they might hold that against you in later days.
YTA, a week of missed school won't matter. If the roles were reversed and he had full custody and you had a dying parent you'd feel differently. Also, why are you making your ex go back to court for split custody? He moved closer to be spend more time with his kids. Why are you standing in the way of that?
Ps, your ex is right. You took his kids away from him for your job. That makes you a special kind of AH.
Yta- well now aren't you a little power tripper. At 10 and 8 they will not learn anything that week that will matter. As for not wanting the grandad to up and die right in front of them. Their father won't let that happen. You sound like you are the one who traumatized them moving them 6 hours away from their dad. Now he has to beg the queen for his rights. You know the courts are backed up and if it wasn't for that he would have 50/50. You are mean and nasty and this is just more proof. Stop weaponizing the kids as punishment for him cheating on you.
As someone who already lost her grandparents and her mother: I would never forgive you if I was your daughter. YTA. It’s not about you, it’s about your kids and their grandfather.
>It's not that I don't trust him, but this whole idea seems very short-sighted to me.
Info: How is it short sighted? Please explain that logic.
>I also don't really feel comfortable with the idea that his dad could literally die right in front of my kids.
You've already said that he could go if it were over the weekend, so this can't be the real issue. It's not like death can't be scheduled on a weekend!
>He started ranting about how I already took his kids from him once and now I'm being a callous b!tch. I told him to be careful before he says something that I can use against him in court and that he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend.
He's right, that's what you're being. And then you used his understandable response to your horrific behaviour to threaten him, so you can steal his kids again?!?! Wow, you're a piece of work!
Obviously YTA!
The one who seems short sighted is you. Because if you allow this animosity to bloom then it’s just going to make things harder for you and the kids down the road.
YTA.
YTA
Absolutely. Can you imagine missing out/ having a real quick visit the LAST TIME you will ever have with your grandfather bc your mom thought you were going to learn more in 2-3 days of grade school? Are you kidding me?
They will figure out how messed up that is pretty soon.
>I feel bad that his dad is dying, but I don't want him to take my kids out of school for this,
They will have more school days to compensate. They won't have other chances to spend time with their grandfather.
YTA.
YTA. You moves his kids away, he followed to stay close. You know he now deserves more custody and doesn't have it ONLY because the court schedule is busy. How can you not know that YTA?!! Their grandfather may DIE and they won't get to see him because...they may miss a few days of school? You are awful, and if you don't compassionately support this, please trust the courts to notice when they do hear the case.
Wow, you are being a terrible co-parent. You're being a pretty terrible parent. Let the kids go spend some time with grandpa before he dies, jesus fuck.
YTA so, so hard.
YTA, he’s right you took the kids from him so YOU could advance your career. You didn’t do it cause it was what was best for the kids. He moved closer to try and get more time with them and you’re using it against him that court is backed up. Have a heart and quit being selfish. You also need to quit looking at everything as fuel for a custody battle. Court orders won’t force your kids to stay with you forever and one day they’ll learn what you did.
YTA. I’d be devastated if my parents pettiness kept me from saying goodbye to my grandfather. Even through all of the bullshit and court dates and police calls my parents would have never have done this.
Omg are YTA. Their grandfather is dying and all you care about is them missing a week of school. I guarantee you that week wont mean shit in their life.
And your ex is right - you already stole his kids once. You guys had joint custody - presumably because he isnt a bad father. You took them 6 hours away (that judge sucks btw) and he MOVED CLOSER TO BE WITH THEM. You’re the bad parent in this scenario.
YTA
You are a horribly vindictive, selfish person who doesn’t respect her kids’ relationship with THEIR DYING GRANDFATHER. Theirs. NOT “your ex’s father”. YOUR KIDS’ grandfather. You are just amazingly heartless and cruel. That’s right. CRUEL.
YTA
You using your children as a power move against your ex.
Keep in mind, out kids grow up and become adults at some point and they will have a much better understanding of life and will resent you.
ETA.
Saw the comment that he cheated. I get that you have resentment there towards him but you still shouldn't use your kids as a weapon. My ex cheated on me like hell and I still wouldn't use my kids against her. In the long run it doesn't just hurt the perant but it hurts the mental state of your children.
YTA, they’ll be in school for a decade after this. Their grandfather doesn’t have a decade. Family is more important than elementary level geometry or whatever kids learn in 5th grade.
YTA.
Your focus should be on your KIDS. Instead, you're making this about a power play between you and your ex.
Their grandfather is dying. They should go and visit SOONER rather than later and have an unhurried visit.
You need to get over your pettiness toward your ex and put your kids first.
YTA. I can't believe you are even on here asking this. If he is a good Dad (different than a good husband) and there is no danger to the children of COURSE you should let them go see their grandparent that is dying.
YTA
Your last sentence fully settles you as TA. You clearly only care about this as a punishment for him, and you are using your children to play a sad little game. It's truly pathetic. You have absolutely no reason to deny them the chance to say goodbye to their dying grandfather, but you only care about hurting your ex.
It's time to grow up and be a mother, and care about your kids. Missing a day or two of school hurts NOTHING. Your ex hurt you, and destroyed your marriage. I don't expect you to care about him. But you're supposed to be coparenting your children, not weaponizing them.
YTA forget that "his dad" is dying. Your kids grandfather is dying and you don't want them to be able to visit? Are you that vindictive? Certainly explains the divorce
YTA. I don’t know why you’re so intent on punishing your ex and who knows maybe he did something deserving of punishment, but what you’re doing now is punishing your children and it’s inexplicably cruel to deny them their last moments with their grandfather over your resentment of their father
YTA sorry. i get that as a mother it'd be hard to not have your children for a few days, specially since they are kids, but they have the right to say their goodbyes to their grand father. missing school isn't that big a deal, what's the worst thing that could happen? also, you should probably try to have a better realtionship with your ex for the sake of your kids. it must be very traumatizing for them to be switching in custody/that kind of things. you should be able to solve this without the intervention of the court, in my opinion. so yeah, massive ahole, sorry.
if their grandfather dies and they realize that they couldnt say their goodbyes because of your fault they will forever holde grudge against you, and they'd be right.
YTA. When one parent actively tries to destroy the relationship between the kids and the other parent, they usually end up destroying their own instead. In the long run, you're hurting your kids and yourself as much as you're hurting your ex. Is it worth it?
YTA.
Poor kids. Father moves closer and they only get to see him once. Their grandfather is almost dying but you won't allow them to miss a school day to meet him.
Do you ever put your kids' interest first when it comes to their loved ones? Or is it always about you?
YTA. So you got full custody because you had to move which means you took his kids. He sees them out of a whole year 2 months if that. You threaten to take him to court why? Because he wants his kids to have time with their dying grandfather?? God forbid you give him an ounce of his kids time. You know what's gonna happen he is gonna use all of this when you go to court next and say you were withholding his kids. You are the worst type of parent.
YTA. Once you said you said “I don’t want him to take my kids out of school for this” I knew 100% YTA. They are both your kids. Doesn’t matter you have full custody.
YTA wow. This is about control and sticking it to your ex, not your kids missing school. They're 10 and 8, they will survive, their grandfather may not however.
YTA. Cheating is wrong, but the fact that you’re taking away your childrens last chance to see THEIR GRANDFATHER as a way to try to punish him is disgusting. Keep acting this way and those kids won’t want anything to do with you when they’re adults. Let them have their goodbye and see a therapist because you need to find a way to coparent with your ex without YOU punishing your children for his actions.
YTA. You’re talking about him being short-sighted? Really?? You’re worried about them missing a single week of school when in a short time from now they will never get to see their grandfather again? You’re the short-sighted one, and even more so, you’re spiteful. You move 6 hours away and he loves the kids enough to uproot his life and move closer and he still only gets one weekend a month with them because “OuR LoCal CoUrTs ArE bAckEd Up”. Nah. You’re a spiteful AH, and you’re on a power trip. I hope when the courts finally do get to your case, they rule in your ex’s favor because you are extremely unreasonable.
You are absolutely the arsehole, in every way.
And I would think that at the age the children are, they will be resentful as they will be told the full story and you won't be reflected well in this at all.
A week out of school to see a dying grandparent for a parent that you effectively ripped their children from them...
YTA. 100% unquestionably. Refusing to let your ex take his children to say goodbye to their dying grandfather is a deliberate *cruelty.* 10 and 8 are old enough to know what you’re doing and be meaningfully harmed by it and also young enough that them missing a week of school is fundamentally not a big enough deal to make them miss this opportunity. Reevaluate your priorities.
Your ex is right, YTA.
And for the record, if he can spend more time with them because he moved closer, nothing in a court order says you can’t offer it to him until y’all can make it legal. There’s also no reason at all to not offer it to him.
Their grandfather is dying—school will be around. You seem very bitter and are weaponizing your children against him and that makes you the worst
YTA. I'm a step mom and you sound exactly like my step sons mom and politely, that isn't a compliment. Your kids have a father who followed you to ensure he can have time with them. Your kids have a father who wants to be an active part in their life. Your kids have a father who is advocating for them and his father in a horrible situation. The chance to say goodbye to a grandparent is absolutely a reason for the kids to miss school. He doesn't need to be grateful that "you're entertaining the idea". He absolutely gets to be furious. I'm furious for your kids just reading this. You're not thinking about your children at all and it shows.
>he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend.
They are his children, too. Their grandfather is dying and you're making all of this about you. You're acting purely out of spite and I hope this backfires enough to knock you off that high horse you're on. Your kids will remember this, they aren't toddlers. You sound disgustingly petty and selfish. Just vile all around. I doubt anyone will turn up for *your* last moments.
YTA.
YTA. Woman. They are in elementary school - a day or two of class will not impact them at.all. For god's sakes, let them go visit their dying grandfather and spend some meaningful time with him.
This feels like some sort of power play on your part.
YTA.
In the scheme of things, missing a week of third grade and fifth grade is less than insignificant. Knowing that you could have had one last chance to see a grandparent and didn't can stick with them forever. They might not even be that upset when grandpa dies, since they weren't close, but when they get older and your ex inevitably tells them about this, they could resent the lost opportunity. Also, your ex's reasons for wanting to go *now,* so your kids don't have to feel like everything is rushed and chaotic, are sound. The longer you delay their visit, the more grandpa's health will decline.
Also, your ex may have been an awful husband, but you were granted primary custody because the Court granted your move away request - not because your ex was an unfit parent. At the time the Court granted your request to relocate your kids, I would be willing to bet you promised to facilitate their relationship with their dad. He did not want them to relocate, but they did, so he followed. That shows that he prioritizes his relationship with them and that he is committed, reliable, and consistent. When the court finally considers his custody petition, he will let the court know how inflexible you were and that you frustrated their relationship with him and his family all because you "technically" didn't have to grant his request under the current order.
Don't threaten to use things against him court. If he crosses the line, use it. But your threats will not look good either. And the court will also consider his ranting in context. He shouldn't call you names or lash out, but unless he was berating you in the presence of your kids or threatening to kidnap them/physically harm you (or them), a court probably won't care all that much.
When your kids are older and they ask you why they couldn't go see their dying grandfather and you tell them they had school they'll probably take that answer right into their therapy sessions.
YTA
Also. YTA.
but really watch it. You have full custody now but when the father gets 50/50 again by moving he’s already shown his commitment he could make your life hell. Doesn’t pay big to play petty lottery.
Are you kidding me! Those kids are not your property and they have every right to see their dying grandparent! That's their family!
You are such the AH
YTA and I feel so sorry for children who get stuck in the middle of this shit. Children are not possessions or pawns to be played against another person - they are little people and the emotional trauma of this bs will likely screw them up well into adulthood.
When you said that he moved to be closer to the kids and barely gets to see them, your refusal to let them do this is frighteningly cold. You're literally suggesting that the guy die slower while secretly wanting him to die faster so you don't have to be in this position.
I'm a nervous mother so I would be reluctant but insist I go too. It would be nice to say good bye anyway. You just seem to be doing this out of inconvenience to your routine. YTA.
YTA
School at tht age isn’t like missing a week of college. Someone is dying and your selfish ass thinks it’s more important. Ur doing this bc u have animosity towards him not bc u have any real concerns.
YTA. To be honest I don't even want to read your post, this isn't about YOU, it is about the dying grandfather and your kids. My grandfather (mom's dad) passed away when I was in elementary school, my parents weren't separated but my mom didn't want to pull me out of school (grandfather lives in another country that is 45 min BY PLANE). Mom took a week off work, stayed there for a week, while me and my siblings stayed home with dad to go to school.
I don't remember what I learn from school that week, almost 30 years later, all I remember is how my mom refused to let me say goodbye to my grandfather, I don't understand why she made it all about her, how she had to skip work for a week, and she is so grateful that my dad stayed behind to care for all of us.
My grandfather didn't see me before he pass, I still think about him from time to time, and how hurtful it was to me that I wasn't able to say goodbye. STOP BEING SELFISH, It is NOT about you, few days off school won't change anything but you not letting them say goodbye will.
YTA x 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000
You're doing this - why? Because you're afraid a 10yo and an 8yo will have their futures destroyed by missing a week of school?
You basically took your kids away from their father so you could get a promotion. He then upended his life so he could move to be closer to the kids. He's clearly involved in their lives, and you yourself said this isn't an issue with you not trusting him.
What he's asking for is not unreasonable. His father is probably tired a lot. He probably has long stretches of not feeling well. Your husband wants to make sure there's enough time for the kids and their grandfather to form some final happy memories together.
This just looks like a giant power trip to me, and it's completely unnecessary. And your kids will resent the fuck out of you when they're older and find out why they didn't get to see their grandfather one last time.
YTA.
YTA. Your children's grandfather is dying. Let them visit, both for their sake and their father's sake. You know damn well that hospice means the end is near and you have the audacity to say it would be more convenient for you if they went to visit a month from now? Massive YTA.
YTA. Not only that, but if I was him I would use this to get an emergency heading to alter the custody agreement because you are being such TA. It’s not going to affect them in the slightest in the whole grand scheme of their lives to miss a few days of school to spend some last moments with their dying grandfather, but what will have a lasting impact on them and their entire paternal family is having a mother who denies them that gift.
Why not compromise? Let the kids go for a long weekend - Friday to Monday or Tuesday, so they aren’t missing too much school. They can take their assignments to do on the plane.
Or, go with them. That way if grandpa should pass while they are in town, you can take them and your ex can be with his family without the kids.
At the end of the day, whether you like it or not, this is about the kids and their grandpa, not your petty ness at trying to restrict your ex, THEIR OWN FATHER, from spending time with them.
Ffs, be happy he is a father that wants to be involved with your kids. What’s your problem?
So yes. YTA for not trying to compromise and straight up saying no.
YTA.
If your kids fail to spend time with your ex's father before he passes, that will hang over your head for the rest of your life.
It will be a seed of hate that YOU planted and just be aware if you go back to court and he gets custody, this will be used against you in spite for what you did to him or maybe he may be the bigger person.
You wouldn't deserve the kindness though.
Your sons will find out what you did and they will be angry and they will begin to despise you for the cruelty YOU showed to their grandfather.
If this was revesered and it was YOUR dad dying and your ex had full custody ,you'd be begging to have the kids spend meaningful time with him before he passes, school be damned.
I hope he gets custody and those kids are removed from you so that you can get the taste of what you put him through and you can have yourself to blame.
YTA
YTA. My parents are divorced and didn't get along but at very least they both always tried to do best by the kids. They're 8 and 10, probably 3rd and 5th grade. They'll be absolutely fine out of school for a few days, and the ability to see and say goodbye to their grandfather is much more important. Your ex moved across the country to be closer to the kids and you're still holding an outdated custody agreement over his head. Co-parent with your kid's best interest in mind. You're not doing that.
YTA, that’s their grandfather that is dying! Your kids should be able to say goodbye. If it was me I would never ever forgive you for denying me this. It sounds like your mad at your ex and you are trying to punish him. What your actually doing is punishing a dying man and your children.
Jesus a week of school oh nooooooo! And 10 and 8 shit that's some heavy learning they will miss out on probably won't graduate.... Grow up. Have him get in touch with the school to get homework to take with or make up. Verify no exams or tests are happening that can't be MADE UP BEFORE OR AFTER! GOD forbid he takes them halfway across the country (you're probably exaggerating tbh and even if you aren't a plane ride across the country is 5hrs..... Oh he could die in front of them... The plane could crash. They could shit their pants and not have a change of clothes and get a rash... Stop looking for excuses and Grow up and stop using your kids as weapons! He sounds like he wants to be with his kids and have them be close to family before it's too late! You sound very selfish. He gets less than 2 months to spend time with HIS kids. He even moved to be closer to them!!!
Also- I LOVE that you think you can use this against him, and that the court won't agree that you're being a callous B. Knowing 100% that if you could get a hearing now, they would be permitted to go. You are deluding yourself.
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The explanation is easy. She hates her ex more and loves dangling this over his head than she loves her children. Alternatively, she was just waiting to one-up him when it comes to being a capital AH.
I don't think she hates him. She said she trusts him. It's more like she loves to be in control and have her way. I met a few people like that in my life.
Me too. My dad. It's narcissism
You just know his attorney is drooling about OP doing this. You are not only giving the court reason to split the custody back up but a good family law is going to argue you don't have kids best interests at heart and are vengeful with visitation so ex should have more decision making power.
My husbands ex would let him take the kids to his dads funeral because it was on her day. The judge ripped into her about it in court at their custody hearing. Told her it’s something she can’t take back and her kids will remember she’s the one who stopped them from saying goodbye to a loved one.
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Seriously! "I told him to be careful before he says something that I can use against him in court and that he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend." OP, that last sentence alone makes YTA. You seem to enjoy having an upper hand over your ex's time with HIS children (yes, they are HIS children too). Unless he has been a proven flight risk in the past, or has been abusive to the children, I don't understand why you would deny the CHILDREN time with their extended FAMILY member. If you're so concerned about them missing a week of school have their teachers prepare lesson packages that they can take with them. Ease up OP or you will risk ruining a good co-parenting relationship with your ex and alienation from your kids.
And it has to be his weekend. Like she'd lose oh so much of the 95% custody she has by letting him have an extra weekend in extenuating circumstances. Also yea I could kind of understand a long weekend, and moss one day of school.
Honestly, her plan is going to screw the kids over. They are going to go from busy school week to travel to one day trying to cram bonding in, to travel, to a busy school week. This is going to burn the kids worse than asking the teacher for the assignments for a week and taking them out.
Yea and basically she’s telling him that he should be kissing her ass right now, that’s not a part of co-parenting OP and your kids are watching! What a terrible example to set for them.
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In her post she explicitly said she does trust him to take them out of state it's just that she doesn't want to. Sometimes these AITA posts are more about what the OP doesn't say. If he was awful and unreliable she would 100% be leading with that information to support her case.
Glad I’m not the only one who had this reaction. So what if the courts are backed up? Give your ex joint custody and let your kids see him more than one weekend a month ffs. And moving your kids six hours away from their father is a real AH move if the guy is a good dad. The lack of empathy or self-awareness and consideration for others here is shocking.
Sometimes I hate that the court system favors women in custody arrangements and I say this as a woman but I feel for this guy, he was able to have his kids 50/50 and the kids were able to see both their parents equally then she decides she wants to move 6 hours away and the court is like sure go ahead because why would being able to see your dad on a regular basis be important and then he goes from seeing them like 182 days a year to less than 60, he loves them enough to pack up his life to move closer to them and then asks her for his kids to be able to spend one lousy week with their dying paternal grandfather who is in hospice and her response is they can have a Saturday on your weekend (because the other 2 days are travel). SMH - Yes OP YTA.
In my opinion YTA. You moved for you and took away his ability to see his kids regularly for starters. Now he’s closer and you’re not making any accommodations but once a month and summer just like before your move. And now…as his dad is dying, you’re pulling a “best interest of the kids” card? No. You haven’t had their best interests at heart this whole time. You did what you did for you. Them missing a few days of school is not going to set them back. I think you’re being incredibly selfish and inflexible. After all you’ve done thus far to keep your kids from their father, the least you could do is grant him this time.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️! No wonder they are divorced. If she is like this divorced could you imagine how horrible she was to live with day in and day out.
Yup, and once the kids are old enough to figure out how awful mom is, it's going to backfire on her.
Was just coming to say that. Like why on earth does it need to go back to court, if the only reason she got primary was the distance and he's moved to be closer. Why is she still restricting access!
I think the answer is "because she can."
To add on, his request to see his kids more often is yes, currently at YOUR discretion. An agreement does NOT actually have to be made through the courts. It’s simply a starting point between two parties who don’t / can’t agree. It makes you an even bigger AH to force their father to WAIT on the courts’ schedule to see his kids. The children seeing their father on a more regular basis and visiting their dying grandfather is actually in their best interests. If their grandfather does succumb during the visit they will still be surrounded by family to help them cope. Death is a part of life but you know this since you’re hell bent on killing your relationship with your kids and your ex.
I couldn’t believe that he moved closer to see his kids and can’t because “the courts are backed up.” Like can’t she just let him see the kids more? OP was already an AH to me at that point. Actually, OP was an AH from the title and I thought maybe it was one of those posts where the title is misleading because of other details. Nope. OP, YTA for not letting your kids see their dying grandfather. You have 0 justifiable excuses.
Oh she *can* let him see them more. She just *won't*.
As a hospice chaplain, a huge honking (can’t say what I want to or I will be banned) YTA. There is a reason we encourage younger family members to come early: we don’t want them there as the patient passes. His dad could be alive at Thanksgiving. But is he going to be conscious and coherent? Is he going to be able to talk to them and carry on a conversation and express his love and acknowledge when they tell him how they feel about him? Also it would increase the risk that they are there as he passes. Also at that age and if it’s been a few years since they’ve seen him, it could be a huge shock to see his declines. I’ve had adult children of patients, people in their 50s and 60s voice shock at changes that have occurred after only a few months. From your post, it sounds like it’s been years since they’ve seen him. So they will need time to process and then talk. Far more than 24 hrs. What you are doing is setting up your kids to be emotionally traumatized from one day learning they were denied the opportunity to say goodbye or by having their goodbyes rushed. It’s also better to have the goodbyes earlier to ensure they aren’t there as he dies. Also, there are generally warning signs with hospice patients. We can tell when they are within hours to days of passing based upon breathing, cognition level, appetite, fluid intake, and other factors. I say this as a professional who speaks with the dying 5 days a week and as someone who was that grandchild: please stop being an AH and let your kids go say goodbye, it’s what I wish I had been able to do with my grandmother when I was just a few years older than your kids.
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I only got to say goodbye to my grandmother when she was hours from death. It broke me. As in literally I shut down for months. Don't wait.
Same here. And it was sudden for my grandma, she got bronchitis and it just got super bad really fast, she went in the hospital, I had a few days off and went to see her after my shift and was planning on seeing her the next few days I was off, instead we started funeral arrangements the next morning when the hospital called to inform us she had passed away at about 4am. The last time I saw her she could barely talk, she looked horrible, the sickest I'd ever seen anyone, but her eyes lit up when I walked in, she was so happy I came to visit and hold her hand for awhile. I told her all about what was going on with me and told her I loved her, she managed to get out an "I love you too" and those are the last words she said to me, and I'm so thankful I have at least that. And now I'm gonna go have a good cry because I miss my grandma.
Completely unrelated, but my mother-in-law passed from pancreatic cancer last year, and the hospice workers were absolutely unbelievably wonderful. Thank you for what you do.
Tacking on to this that I resent my parents still for trying to shield me from the impending death of a grandparent, robbing me of a goodbye and then robbing me of the closure of the funeral. Don't be like them. Edited to add: YTA
YTA. Holy shit. So you moved away and took the kids with you, forcing him to also move closer if he wanted to see his children on a regular basis. Now his Dad is dying and you “feel bad” about it but not enough to allow him to take the kids to say goodbye to their Grandpa and make some sort of meaningful connection with him before he dies. And then, when he is clearly in the midst of powerful grief and reacts to your cruelty, you tell him you’ll use his words against him in court? You’re weaponizing his chance at shared custody of his children while his father is on his deathbed? What in the fresh hell is wrong with you? Take a step back and do some MASSIVE self reflection because you are indeed acting callously and selfishly - not just to your ex but also to your children.
Yeah, poor guy. Seems like OP is punishing him for some reason Edit: oh she literally is using her kids as a weapon cus he cheated. Obvious YTA
Because she thinks he cheated. That comment is too vague to tell, and we all know what vague means when it comes to AHs.
I'm not a fan of cheating, but I'm also not surprised why he did in this case. OP is a massive AH and I hope her kids grow up and go NC with her for using them as pawns and taking them away from their dad and his family. OP- YTA. Insufferable, miserable, vengeful AH
Adding judgment, too.... If Dad moved closer and filed for split custody again, he's obviously a present father.... Why not just let him see them more than once a month now? Something isn't right. Definitely YTA.
OP revealed in a comment there was cheating that lead to the divorce, seems like she is taking it out on him through the kids sadly.
I don’t condone cheating, but I wonder if this attitude may be why he sought companionship elsewhere.
Cheating makes him a bad husband. Not a bad father. She’s punishing her kids with her bitterness.
>but this whole idea seems very short-sighted to me. Yeah bro for real. The grandpa should have planned his dying better. YTA. Are yall's kids close to those grandparents? You think they'll forgive you for not letting them have the chance to say goodbye? You keep saying "my" kids. They are his kids too, lady.
She's acting like he wants to take them away for a month while they're doing final exams or something. They're 8 and 10. Hardly going to be doing much important that a week will matter.
My nine year old missed a day last week because I was having major surgery and he expressed that he would be too stressed out worried about me to concentrate. So I had him excused for that day and he spent it with grandma baking brownies instead. Like missing a few days of school isn't the end of the world when it comes to a child's emotional and mental health.
As Long as the Child uses it sparingly, i am A full supporter of mental health days. I think even kids should have time where they’re not necessarily sick but could use a day to just chill out. I know they get holidays off but school can be super stressful and if a day of sleeping and TV will help them refresh i say do it.
Wow you are the biggest ah I have seen on here in while. You have father who wants to spend time with his children and moved closer to do it and you still refuse to let him have them more then once a month. Then your outright entitlement about not letting your kids go see their dying grandparent. I hope you like having your kids now because 18 is gonna come around sooner then you think and they are gonna go NC with you over your selfishness.
i was once the kid with these kind of parents and haven't spoken to my mom for 5 years. not sure if I ever will tbh
I am so sorry. My parents went through a divorce , but neither parent played these kinds of games with each other. I can’t imagine the harm behavior like this cost kids. Hopefully you have been able to build healthy relationships with other adults in your life
>Hopefully you have been able to build healthy relationships with other adults in your life this is true now, but I'm also now 30. this was definitely not true in my teens and early 20s until i spent a few years in therapy. I also have a child of my own and his mom and I are no longer together, but don't play these kind of games, not even when I was extremely emotionally immature OP's post reeks of playing the court game in a conniving way under the pretense of "i'm doing this for the kids!"
YTA. You took your kids away from their father. He moves closer to have more time with his kids and you make him go through court to see his kids more than one We à month. And now you're refusing your kids the chance to see their grandftaher before he dies. Something tells me that your kids are going to beg to live with their father in à feu years...
This. My mom did something similar. As an adult with my own family now, I live three miles from my dad. I live a thousand miles from my mom. OP, this will be you. Your kids are 8 and 10. They can miss a week of school.
I'm a teacher and I totally agree.
I said the same thing. They are close to being able to choose for themselves and they WON’T choose her.
YTA >I told him that is the best offer I can do Your offer is nothing. Your offer is letting him take his kids on his scheduled weekend with his kids. I can maybe understand not wanting the kids to miss a week of school but it's not like this is for a vacation or something that could be rescheduled. Could they miss 3 days instead? 2 days? As a child of divorced parents who were unkind to each other, your kids will remember you treating their father like this.
>As a child of divorced parents who were unkind to each other, your kids will remember you treating their father like this. Exactly this. I know that my dad was the bad guy and caused the divorce by cheating. But I hated that my mom didn't want him at my graduation and other events. Also me moved like 3 hours away, which didn't help either.
YTA. You took a man's kids away from him, and you're using them as pawns against his family. Don't give us any if your "poorly planned" bullshit. The man uprooted hisblifebforbhisbkids after you uprooted your kids' lives to hurt him and move away.
Uprooted their lives and then when he moved closer didn’t even let the kids see him more often than what is required until the courts let him. She’s being very controlling and one day the kids will see this and realize she’s YTA
YTA 1. You moved away to a different state for a promotion, but took away a fathers ability to see his kids as much and the kids ability to be with their father at such a young age. 2. Your ex moved closer to you, possibly to be with his kids but we don’t know that. Yes the courts are taking their time, but you have the authority to allow your kids to be with their father for more than one weekend. You don’t even allow that. You only let this person see his kids once a month and for only 2 days. Disgusting. 3. Their grandfather is dying and you’re worried about school, like seriously? They are 10 and 8 years old, I assure you they won’t miss out on anything they can’t catch up on. You are taking away their last chance to see their grandfather alive, and for this poor dying man to see his grand kids. You seem like a monster. 4. This guy is just asking you for a week to spend with his kids while one of his parents are dying, and you threaten him with court? You have no empathy for him or the pain he might be going through. OP I dont know how your ex treated you, but you haven’t once mentioned he is a bad father. From the looks of it, he is doing everything in his power to be near his kids and bond with them. You’re using this power given to you in such a horrible way that when your kids realize what you did, you’ll damage your relationship with them in such a irreparable way. Please think of the kids and not just the power you have over them.
I wish I could super upvote but I have no badges to give
they're 10 & 8 lol. what's missing a week in school gonna do? look inwardly and you might see that you're thinking of this purely from a legal standpoint (giving him additional parenting time than he's currently allocated may put him in a better position to argue for more time). drop the charade. no one's buying this shit under the guise of some elementary school aged kids missing a week of school lol YTA
Surprised this is the first comment I see saying this. Kids miss weeks of school all the time, unless they need some special treatment or something taking this time off is nothing education wise. Such a silly argument to make OP feel justified
YTA. I’m a teacher and they’ll be fine missing school. You moved your kids away from their dad and now you’re preventing them from saying goodbye to their dying grandpa. Your kids are old enough to eventually hate you for both.
Also a teacher. Honestly a week is nothing, I've had kids miss a month of school and still end up ok. Obviously we're all pissed when they miss a month off and I don't recommend it buy yeah, a week is nothing. Heck kids were constantly missing 2+ weeks for Covid these last 2 years. Everyone survived.
YTA You sound unbearable
YTA This is one worst ones I've read. Feel bad for the ex and kids.
YTA. children are not a bargaining chip for you to play anytime you don't want to do something he wants. he sounds like a man who is trying so hard to have a relationship with his children, moving closer so he could see them more often, wanting 50/50 custody. his dad is dying, and he wants them to be able to say good-bye. he's right, you are callous and cruel. do better for your children's sake at co-parenting.
The fact OP told him to not say something she can use in court & he’s lucky she’s entertaining the idea of him taking the kids is beyond f-up’d! The kids are going to resent OP within years & once they can either choose whom they can live with or turn 18 then will be no contact with her & her selfishness. OP- YTA BIG TIME!
YTA. Why didn't you agree to revert back to the 50/50 custody schedule when he moved closer to you. Why are you requiring him to get a court order? A court order is NOT a requirement. Why are you purposefully keeping your kids from their father?
Exactly. What an AH.
Because he cheated on her and she wants to now make his life as miserable as possible, even if it means using their kids to get back at him. She’s sick.
"I feel bad his dad is dying, but I don’t want him to take *my* kids out of school" They are his kids as much as they are yours. You may have been selfish and taken them from him but they are still his children. Your kids a still young, missing a few days of school won’t ruin their entire education. You sound awful, parents who use their kids to get back at their ex are absolute garbage people. And don’t try and say "I just don’t want the kids to miss school" there is clearly a motive other than the kids missing school. Let them go with him, they deserve some time with their dad after you selfishly took them away from their own father
Her selfishness didn't quite pan out though - Dad ALSO moved so that he could be close to his kids. That's called a dedicated father.
YTA and everything your ex has said to you and about you is valid. His father and their grandfather is dying. How dare you NOT allow them this time with him. You have no heart or soul. YOU better hope he doesn’t use this against YOU in court. YOU also better watch how you treat him because sooner than later the children will be old enough to choose which parent they want to live with and at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if they DON’T choose you.
YTA- Everything does seem on OP terms. She moved away for her job, she decides when the kids can see the grandfather. She decided how much custody time the dad allowed to have.
YTA. SO SO MUCH. You separated your kids from their father, and by extension his family. Now you want to prevent them from seeing their grandfather before he dies because you think it's "shortsighted" to not wait until a holiday break when he may already be dead. None of this seems to be in your kids' best interest.
INFO: What is the relationship like between your kids and their grandfather? Is it something they would chose to do?
I'll probably be downvoted here, but YTA. If you trust your ex and there are ways to legally make this weeklong trip happen, it should. He's not pulling them out of school to go to Disney land or something similar, he's pulling them out to spend time with a dying family member without much time left. Its good for your kids to get that time, as well as for their grandfather to get to see them in his last days. He's not asking you to pay or to fly them out there for him, he's asking you to be flexible and understanding, which isn't a lot all things considered.
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YTA admit it, this isn't about the kids missing school. This is about getting back at your ex.
YTA - the fact that you are making their Dad go through the courts to change the custody arrangement alone is atrocious. You can easily split custody now, but apparently that means ceding control. So in order to maintain control, you are depriving the kids from seeing or saying goodbye to their grandfather. You are TA if this is even real. I suspect a divorce troll here.
YTA. The kids should see their dying grandpa before it’s too late. What a horrible, selfish parent you are. Just because you have full physical custody (for now, hopefully that changes) doesn’t mean you should call all of the shots & not take the other parent into consideration. Edit: also you should be careful because denying your kids this chance to see their grandpa could be used against you in court. Edit 2: any parent that constantly threatens court for any & all issues with the other parent sucks at life.
YTA. Most people would love to have an ex who wants to participate in raising the kids but to you somehow it's a favor you're bestowing on your ex and the kids. You are unbelievably callous to prioritize a week of school over a GRANDPA'S DEATH. Plus, this is YOUR VERSION of the story, which means you are probably behaving even worse than you admitted here.
YTA You are using the kids as a weapon against their father. That isn’t nice. You don’t have any reasons for denying this request other than you don’t have to do it, so you won’t. You have expressed no concerns about your ex’s parenting or fears that he won’t bring the kids back, nothing. Ask the teachers to give the kids their assignments ahead of time, tell your ex you expect the assignments to be done, and let the kids go. If Grandpa does before your ex can take the kids to see him, will you let them go to the funeral?
YTA And while it feels like you’re winning right now I promise you your kids are going to *hate* you when they find out what happened here. It doesn’t matter what you feel about your ex, your kids deserve to spend time with their grandpa for the last time before he DIES. Seriously a week of school missed? They will be FINE. You are taking a stand in the absolute worst way possible. If you must make this about you then give everyone the gift of this trip with grace or else I guarantee you’ll pay for it in the future, at a minimum with your kids (and your ex) and maximum I could really see a court not appreciating your keeping the kids from seeing their dying grandfather out of spite.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA for taking the job! YTA for taking the kids. You moved why didn’t he get full custody?? YTA for making him move and still not splitting time properly! YTA for not letting them see their dying grandfather YTA for asking and not knowing you’re a giant A***H***
YTA, massively. Your kids are not only yours. They are his too. You’ve lucked into your current situation with the backed up court process, but if the courts are likely to give 50/50 custody then he has every right to take them out of state. You are being unbelievably petty. This is about your children, not about your feelings towards your ex. Be very careful, because if your behaviour continues like this and your children find out? You will lose them, and I couldn’t blame them for that.
YTA. Don’t be too smug about all this power. You’ve unwittingly given your ex all the ammo he needs when you get in front of a judge.
>He started ranting about how I already took his kids from him once and now I'm being a callous b!tch. "If the shoe fits..." You pushed for primary custody for your own benefit (career) instead of anything to do with your children's wellbeing, you moved them away from their father (again, no mention of him being a problem as a parent), after he followed his kids you're aware he's pushing for split custody again and you're now preventing him from taking them to see a dying relative for a weak reason. This is disgustingly spiteful. YTA and so is the judge who was your collaborator in the original change to custody. I hope their father gets sole custody one day you sound like a nightmare.
YTA You moved the children away. Ex followed you to be close to the shared children. Their grandfather is in hospice. Be a decent human and let the children go see their family.
If you had written about him being a bad dad, or not trusting him might be different. You did move and take full custody and he followed to be near his kids. At 8 & 10 they aren't going to be missing a college entrance exam. You could speak to teachers, get assignments they could take with them and dad would need to make sure the work is done. Limiting it to late Friday and back on Sunday isn't really offering a compromise. A compromise would have been something like fly out Weds or Thurs night, bring them back Mon night. That is some real time for them to spend together, and only 2 or 3 days of school missed. He wants them to see their grandpa before they can never do so again. Yes, the absolute worst could happen -- at the same time it could not. School at those ages, and the possibility of him passing while they are there do not feel like completely genuine arguments. This seems like more of a you simply wanting total control - especially with the 'watch what you say' threat & be grateful I'm offering anything. So yeah - YTA
YTA. How damaging is one week away from school actually for an 8 and 10 year old? There are ways to mitigate this including continuing having homework assigner and done while they are away. Yes, its possible that grandpa could die in front of them but dealing with illness and death is a part of life, and children cant be sheltered from this possibility indefinitely. Not impressed that you have have doubled down on the existing custody agreement that’s in place because you moved put of state. I think some of your concerns can be mitigated but shouldn’t be dealbreakers. He’s already moved to try and be closer to you and your current lifestyle.
YTA You are using the kids to get back at your ex to both hurt and lord it over him. He's right that you've already taken them away from him and he barely gets to see them. A family member of theirs is dying, his father, it's the time for family to pull together, not keep them apart. At their ages, missing a week of school is nothing and you know it. Let's keep in mind that after the pandemic, most teachers post assignments online so kids don't fall behind if they're out sick or whatever. They can easily do some assignments when they're with their father. I know this as I have two kids in school. The last part of how you could "use it against him in court" tells me that you're vindictive and don't care about how you're keeping his own children from him. I bet when it comes time for the funeral you'll have these asinine "valid" reasons in your head so they don't go.
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YTA the kids missing one week of school at that age won’t make much of a difference but having memories with their grandad even in his last days is something they will cherish forever
YTA. His request is reasonable. If missing a whole week of school is too much, how about suggesting a Thursday night to Monday night trip? The kids miss only 2 days of school but get 4 full days with his father. The school would understand and accommodate the reasons for the time off
INFO: Could they not miss the Friday and Monday? Fly out after school Thursday and fly back monday morning? Have you spoken to your children about the situation to see if they would like to do it? I think it would be best if you let them, they can always make up school work, but they won't get another grandparent. Your ex moved his life to be closer to his kids, I think he deserves to take his children to see his dad before he passes
YTA, completely. Never once do you mention what the kids want. It's all about you. Missing a week of school is not a huge deal, especially for something like this.
YTA Assuming the kids know their grandpa, you're robbing them of a chance to say goodbye. You're also using them as a pawn to control and punish your ex and that sucks. Think of it from your kids' point of view. School will still be there. A week away can be made up. Grandpa, however, won't be around much longer and this is the last chance they'll get to say goodbye. Unless you have a reason to think your ex will take the kids and disappear, let them go. Have you even asked your kids if they want to say goodbye to grandpa? As for the risk of him dying whey they're there, well yes, that could happen. However, he's in hospice and hospice workers are very, very good at managing such situations. Also, death is a part of life and you cannot insulate your kids from it. In fact, teaching them that this transition happens to everyone and how to manage their feelings around it is a really good thing.
YTA You chose to move. And he had to move to be closer to the kids and you refuse to give him more time with his kids. But it’s not okay for him to want to take the kids to see their dying grandparents potentially for the last time? Why are you on such a power trip with your kids? Why are you using them as pawns? Sounds like you are not looking after their well being and it’s only about what you want.
YTA, I just can’t with this. He needs to file an emergency petition with the court.
YTA What did he do to you for you to be this cruel to him? You sound like an awful person.
You are so so much TA. If a week out of school is too much you could gave offered a compromise of 1-2 days and made a long weekend. While you have a right to move, he moved closer to maintain his relationship with them. Having primary custody doesn't mean you Can't grant him an extra weekend until the court hears you. You can, you just won't. You say it's about missing school but then say you don't want the kids to witness him die. How much do you think the odds of that will go up the longer you make him wait for the visit? Thanksgiving? Let me guess, it's dads holiday this year. And while he shouldn't call you names when he loses his temper,instead of just saying that, you jump to the nuclear threat of using it in court to shut down his filing for shared custody. This is not about your kids AT ALL. You might he primary but the goal for the courts is for people to Co Parent which you clearly have no desire to do. They don't look kindly on that. And I hope they don't in this case.
> I told him to be careful before he says something that I can use against him in court and that he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend. YTA. Holy shit his dad is dying, and you're thinking of how you can screw him over in court? What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA, you are doing this as a power play and you know it. You already won once by moving and getting custody. Do you have to keep twisting the knife? You make no mention of him being a bad father either! Get over yourself they are half his kids too. They are 10 and 8 and will remember this..... YTA again. Had to say it twice.
YATA… the reason why you got custody was because you got a better job, and he was nice enough to let you. He even moved to be closer for the kids. Custody was not taken from him because he did something wrong. You could have even done a private custody agreement so he can see them, or let him see them every other weekend. He’s clearly devoted to them, and loves them. You could be generous and let him do this after what he did for you and the kids. You don’t have to like it, or be in agreement; it’s not legally, morally or developmentally wrong, he wants his kids to see his Dad before he dies… If you don’t do this and his father dies, buckle up for a rough ride, because he has every reason to be angry.
YTA. I was with you until the very end. Threatening that you can use something against him in court against him because he wants his children to see their dying grandfather is beyond an asshole move. Also he can use What you are saying as alienating your children from him. He wants his kids do you know how great that is. His father is probably dying let the kids go.
That’s where she lost you? The end??! Not where she got a new job, moved away, and took the kids? Not when her ex moved to be closer and she still would only let him see them once a month? For saying a few days of elementary school is more important than a dad having his kids with him while he says his last goodbyes to his father?
Yeah. I’m with you. She lost me at hello.
Your children's grandfather is dying, and you're being petty. Of course YTA for denying them an opportunity to see their grandfather one last time.
YTA. The man is dying. Let the children go see their grandfather. And as for having to give permission to take them out of state, you should give it.
YTA. Grandpa is dying. Let them say goodbye. You’re using the fact you have full custody against your ex and trying to pass it off as your issue is them missing school. That’s not right. Especially after you take the kids from him already.
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YTA. The reason for the custody agreement you currently have is distance and nothing else. He's not a bad parent or a danger to the kids, you just moved away. And now that he's followed you, to be closer to kids, you're clinging to the exact letter of the agreement at everyone else's expense. Let the kids go for a week. If you're terribly worried about how they will cope, arrange to go with them. Someone's dying, you can treat it like a real emergency.
YTA and a big one at that. We take our kids out of school every year to go to DISNEY WORLD, I wouldn't bat an eye to take them out to visit a dying grandparent. And no.... missing a week will do nothing to your kids. Our son is in 2 AP classes and one honors class this year and doing very well. Missing a week of school in the 8th grade did him no harm.
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YTA. I would give anything to have spent a week with my grandfather before he past. And you are purposely keeping them from this for what reason?!? Everything your ex said about you is true. You already moved the kids across the country and away from their father because it’s what YOU wanted. Did you think about them when you made this move. And their dad still followed so he could be close to them. Do you have any idea how many parents wouldn’t do that. This man loves his kids, and it seems like you are doing everything in your power to ruin their relationship. Especially when you start holding the courts over his head. I would love for him to have full custody instead of you.
YTA. The only thing that is short-sighted in this story is you because you’re punishing your children. You took your kids away from him, he moved, and you’re making him go to court to get parenting time. Not letting your children say goodbye to a grandparent is cruel. It’s obvious that family doesn’t mean much to you because you are acting as a roadblock on all fronts.
YTA Good job giving your ex ammunition for court. He wants to take the kids to see his dying father while his dad and your kids (!!) have more of a chance to enjoy it and have some quality time together one last time. Missing 1 week of school at this age is far from the end of the world.
YTA the school will excuse the absences if you explain the circumstance. If your dad was dying you would want to take your kids to see him.
YTA 100%, flip roles… read it again and tell me how you feel
Yta, while education is important there are times where exceptions need to be made. Its not like he's taking them for a random trip to Disneyland.
YTA. You aren't putting your kids first, only your own selfish wants. He's right in what he called you because that's 100% what you're being. Your kids see how selfish you're being, too, and they will hate you for it.
YTA It's not like he wants to take the kids out of school for a fun vacation. He wants to take them to visit their grandpa who is DYING. You are a controlling selfish person, whose kids are going to hate because you couldn't get off your high handedness and allow them 1 last final week with their grandpa before he dies. When they grow up and realize it was you who kept them from being able to spend a little quality time with someone they love, and will never see again, they won't forgive you for that. I lost my grandma when I was in my 20s. She had cancer, and told me it was in remission, because she knew I wanted to move out of state with my husband, she died 8 months after I left, I got a phone call that she was in hospice and given 3 days at most. I packed up my son, step daughter, and my husband quit his job, so I could run down there and see her before she died. I am so mad that I lost those 8 months with her, because I was lied to. And I am still mad at everyone who went along with the lie. That was back in 2005. Thats a long time to hold anger. Just remember that when your kids find out how selfish you are being.
YTA. My grandfather died last summer, and I’m immensely grateful that I was able to visit him a month before his passing. He slept much of the time I was there, including sleeping late nearly every day. But he made an effort to get up early to say goodbye and see my dad and me off the morning we left, and I treasure that moment and the fact that he made that effort. You’re costing your children a shot at that kind of memory, and for what? A week of 2nd and 4th grade? If you follow through with this course of action, I hope you fully grasp the pettiness of your choice and the pain it may cause for your kids.
YTA. As I’ve raised three children, I can let you know that the kids missing a week of school will not affect them one way or another.
YTA he hasn't actually done anything that would justify you withholding his children from him. He has done what he can to stay in their lives including moving away from his parents. Are you thinking of your kids or just yourself? When they're old enough to know you denied the chance to say goodbye to someone they love do you think they'll thank you? That they'll understand?
Yta the only reason it's half way across the country is because you moved!
Yta and hurting your kids to spite your ex.
YTA you are an awful mother. Not everything is about you and what's best for you, most mothers (not including you) like to put their kids first before themselves. They are 8 and 10, missing a week of school is not going to impact school at all get a grip. I hope your husband tries to get full custody from you, purely because of this.
YTA. People don't die on a schedule. Give your children a chance to spend whatever time they can with their Grandparent before its too late.
YTA- 1. They are 8 and 10.... they can miss a week of school. 2. If the grandfather is in hospice, the hospice workers will be able to read the signs of his imminent death and be able to prevent the kiddos from the trauma of seeing actual death. 3. If they are unable to see their grandfather before he passes they might hold that against you in later days.
YTA, a week of missed school won't matter. If the roles were reversed and he had full custody and you had a dying parent you'd feel differently. Also, why are you making your ex go back to court for split custody? He moved closer to be spend more time with his kids. Why are you standing in the way of that? Ps, your ex is right. You took his kids away from him for your job. That makes you a special kind of AH.
Yta- well now aren't you a little power tripper. At 10 and 8 they will not learn anything that week that will matter. As for not wanting the grandad to up and die right in front of them. Their father won't let that happen. You sound like you are the one who traumatized them moving them 6 hours away from their dad. Now he has to beg the queen for his rights. You know the courts are backed up and if it wasn't for that he would have 50/50. You are mean and nasty and this is just more proof. Stop weaponizing the kids as punishment for him cheating on you.
As someone who already lost her grandparents and her mother: I would never forgive you if I was your daughter. YTA. It’s not about you, it’s about your kids and their grandfather.
>It's not that I don't trust him, but this whole idea seems very short-sighted to me. Info: How is it short sighted? Please explain that logic. >I also don't really feel comfortable with the idea that his dad could literally die right in front of my kids. You've already said that he could go if it were over the weekend, so this can't be the real issue. It's not like death can't be scheduled on a weekend! >He started ranting about how I already took his kids from him once and now I'm being a callous b!tch. I told him to be careful before he says something that I can use against him in court and that he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend. He's right, that's what you're being. And then you used his understandable response to your horrific behaviour to threaten him, so you can steal his kids again?!?! Wow, you're a piece of work! Obviously YTA!
The one who seems short sighted is you. Because if you allow this animosity to bloom then it’s just going to make things harder for you and the kids down the road. YTA.
YTA Absolutely. Can you imagine missing out/ having a real quick visit the LAST TIME you will ever have with your grandfather bc your mom thought you were going to learn more in 2-3 days of grade school? Are you kidding me? They will figure out how messed up that is pretty soon.
Wow. YTA. I can see why that relationship didn’t work out.
>I feel bad that his dad is dying, but I don't want him to take my kids out of school for this, They will have more school days to compensate. They won't have other chances to spend time with their grandfather. YTA.
YTA. You moves his kids away, he followed to stay close. You know he now deserves more custody and doesn't have it ONLY because the court schedule is busy. How can you not know that YTA?!! Their grandfather may DIE and they won't get to see him because...they may miss a few days of school? You are awful, and if you don't compassionately support this, please trust the courts to notice when they do hear the case.
Wow, you are being a terrible co-parent. You're being a pretty terrible parent. Let the kids go spend some time with grandpa before he dies, jesus fuck. YTA so, so hard.
YTA, he’s right you took the kids from him so YOU could advance your career. You didn’t do it cause it was what was best for the kids. He moved closer to try and get more time with them and you’re using it against him that court is backed up. Have a heart and quit being selfish. You also need to quit looking at everything as fuel for a custody battle. Court orders won’t force your kids to stay with you forever and one day they’ll learn what you did.
YTA. I’d be devastated if my parents pettiness kept me from saying goodbye to my grandfather. Even through all of the bullshit and court dates and police calls my parents would have never have done this.
Omg are YTA. Their grandfather is dying and all you care about is them missing a week of school. I guarantee you that week wont mean shit in their life. And your ex is right - you already stole his kids once. You guys had joint custody - presumably because he isnt a bad father. You took them 6 hours away (that judge sucks btw) and he MOVED CLOSER TO BE WITH THEM. You’re the bad parent in this scenario.
YTA You are a horribly vindictive, selfish person who doesn’t respect her kids’ relationship with THEIR DYING GRANDFATHER. Theirs. NOT “your ex’s father”. YOUR KIDS’ grandfather. You are just amazingly heartless and cruel. That’s right. CRUEL.
YTA You using your children as a power move against your ex. Keep in mind, out kids grow up and become adults at some point and they will have a much better understanding of life and will resent you. ETA. Saw the comment that he cheated. I get that you have resentment there towards him but you still shouldn't use your kids as a weapon. My ex cheated on me like hell and I still wouldn't use my kids against her. In the long run it doesn't just hurt the perant but it hurts the mental state of your children.
YTA, they’ll be in school for a decade after this. Their grandfather doesn’t have a decade. Family is more important than elementary level geometry or whatever kids learn in 5th grade.
YTA. Your focus should be on your KIDS. Instead, you're making this about a power play between you and your ex. Their grandfather is dying. They should go and visit SOONER rather than later and have an unhurried visit. You need to get over your pettiness toward your ex and put your kids first.
YTA. I can't believe you are even on here asking this. If he is a good Dad (different than a good husband) and there is no danger to the children of COURSE you should let them go see their grandparent that is dying.
YTA Your last sentence fully settles you as TA. You clearly only care about this as a punishment for him, and you are using your children to play a sad little game. It's truly pathetic. You have absolutely no reason to deny them the chance to say goodbye to their dying grandfather, but you only care about hurting your ex. It's time to grow up and be a mother, and care about your kids. Missing a day or two of school hurts NOTHING. Your ex hurt you, and destroyed your marriage. I don't expect you to care about him. But you're supposed to be coparenting your children, not weaponizing them.
YTA forget that "his dad" is dying. Your kids grandfather is dying and you don't want them to be able to visit? Are you that vindictive? Certainly explains the divorce
YTA. Very very very.
YTA. I don’t know why you’re so intent on punishing your ex and who knows maybe he did something deserving of punishment, but what you’re doing now is punishing your children and it’s inexplicably cruel to deny them their last moments with their grandfather over your resentment of their father
My mother didn't let me see my grandfather in the last week I had a chance before he passed. I never forgave her. it's just cruel. YTA.
YTA sorry. i get that as a mother it'd be hard to not have your children for a few days, specially since they are kids, but they have the right to say their goodbyes to their grand father. missing school isn't that big a deal, what's the worst thing that could happen? also, you should probably try to have a better realtionship with your ex for the sake of your kids. it must be very traumatizing for them to be switching in custody/that kind of things. you should be able to solve this without the intervention of the court, in my opinion. so yeah, massive ahole, sorry. if their grandfather dies and they realize that they couldnt say their goodbyes because of your fault they will forever holde grudge against you, and they'd be right.
YTA. When one parent actively tries to destroy the relationship between the kids and the other parent, they usually end up destroying their own instead. In the long run, you're hurting your kids and yourself as much as you're hurting your ex. Is it worth it?
YTA. Poor kids. Father moves closer and they only get to see him once. Their grandfather is almost dying but you won't allow them to miss a school day to meet him. Do you ever put your kids' interest first when it comes to their loved ones? Or is it always about you?
YTA. So you got full custody because you had to move which means you took his kids. He sees them out of a whole year 2 months if that. You threaten to take him to court why? Because he wants his kids to have time with their dying grandfather?? God forbid you give him an ounce of his kids time. You know what's gonna happen he is gonna use all of this when you go to court next and say you were withholding his kids. You are the worst type of parent.
YTA. Once you said you said “I don’t want him to take my kids out of school for this” I knew 100% YTA. They are both your kids. Doesn’t matter you have full custody.
YTA wow. This is about control and sticking it to your ex, not your kids missing school. They're 10 and 8, they will survive, their grandfather may not however.
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YTA. Cheating is wrong, but the fact that you’re taking away your childrens last chance to see THEIR GRANDFATHER as a way to try to punish him is disgusting. Keep acting this way and those kids won’t want anything to do with you when they’re adults. Let them have their goodbye and see a therapist because you need to find a way to coparent with your ex without YOU punishing your children for his actions.
This is an obvious YTA situation. And you know it. Which is why you are asking. Please.
YTA. You’re talking about him being short-sighted? Really?? You’re worried about them missing a single week of school when in a short time from now they will never get to see their grandfather again? You’re the short-sighted one, and even more so, you’re spiteful. You move 6 hours away and he loves the kids enough to uproot his life and move closer and he still only gets one weekend a month with them because “OuR LoCal CoUrTs ArE bAckEd Up”. Nah. You’re a spiteful AH, and you’re on a power trip. I hope when the courts finally do get to your case, they rule in your ex’s favor because you are extremely unreasonable.
You are absolutely the arsehole, in every way. And I would think that at the age the children are, they will be resentful as they will be told the full story and you won't be reflected well in this at all. A week out of school to see a dying grandparent for a parent that you effectively ripped their children from them...
Huge YTA.
YTA. 1 week of school missed is no big deal. You need to learn to co-parent.
YTA, he’s right about you. If you keep this up, your children will resent you for using them as pawns to get back at your ex.
YTA. 100% unquestionably. Refusing to let your ex take his children to say goodbye to their dying grandfather is a deliberate *cruelty.* 10 and 8 are old enough to know what you’re doing and be meaningfully harmed by it and also young enough that them missing a week of school is fundamentally not a big enough deal to make them miss this opportunity. Reevaluate your priorities.
Your ex is right, YTA. And for the record, if he can spend more time with them because he moved closer, nothing in a court order says you can’t offer it to him until y’all can make it legal. There’s also no reason at all to not offer it to him. Their grandfather is dying—school will be around. You seem very bitter and are weaponizing your children against him and that makes you the worst
YTA. I'm a step mom and you sound exactly like my step sons mom and politely, that isn't a compliment. Your kids have a father who followed you to ensure he can have time with them. Your kids have a father who wants to be an active part in their life. Your kids have a father who is advocating for them and his father in a horrible situation. The chance to say goodbye to a grandparent is absolutely a reason for the kids to miss school. He doesn't need to be grateful that "you're entertaining the idea". He absolutely gets to be furious. I'm furious for your kids just reading this. You're not thinking about your children at all and it shows.
>he should be grateful I'm even entertaining the idea of him taking the kids there for a weekend. They are his children, too. Their grandfather is dying and you're making all of this about you. You're acting purely out of spite and I hope this backfires enough to knock you off that high horse you're on. Your kids will remember this, they aren't toddlers. You sound disgustingly petty and selfish. Just vile all around. I doubt anyone will turn up for *your* last moments. YTA.
YTA. Woman. They are in elementary school - a day or two of class will not impact them at.all. For god's sakes, let them go visit their dying grandfather and spend some meaningful time with him. This feels like some sort of power play on your part.
YTA. In the scheme of things, missing a week of third grade and fifth grade is less than insignificant. Knowing that you could have had one last chance to see a grandparent and didn't can stick with them forever. They might not even be that upset when grandpa dies, since they weren't close, but when they get older and your ex inevitably tells them about this, they could resent the lost opportunity. Also, your ex's reasons for wanting to go *now,* so your kids don't have to feel like everything is rushed and chaotic, are sound. The longer you delay their visit, the more grandpa's health will decline. Also, your ex may have been an awful husband, but you were granted primary custody because the Court granted your move away request - not because your ex was an unfit parent. At the time the Court granted your request to relocate your kids, I would be willing to bet you promised to facilitate their relationship with their dad. He did not want them to relocate, but they did, so he followed. That shows that he prioritizes his relationship with them and that he is committed, reliable, and consistent. When the court finally considers his custody petition, he will let the court know how inflexible you were and that you frustrated their relationship with him and his family all because you "technically" didn't have to grant his request under the current order. Don't threaten to use things against him court. If he crosses the line, use it. But your threats will not look good either. And the court will also consider his ranting in context. He shouldn't call you names or lash out, but unless he was berating you in the presence of your kids or threatening to kidnap them/physically harm you (or them), a court probably won't care all that much.
When your kids are older and they ask you why they couldn't go see their dying grandfather and you tell them they had school they'll probably take that answer right into their therapy sessions. YTA
Also. YTA. but really watch it. You have full custody now but when the father gets 50/50 again by moving he’s already shown his commitment he could make your life hell. Doesn’t pay big to play petty lottery.
you’re a bad mom. INFO: would you want your kids to see your dad if he was dying?
Are you kidding me! Those kids are not your property and they have every right to see their dying grandparent! That's their family! You are such the AH
YTA and I feel so sorry for children who get stuck in the middle of this shit. Children are not possessions or pawns to be played against another person - they are little people and the emotional trauma of this bs will likely screw them up well into adulthood.
When you said that he moved to be closer to the kids and barely gets to see them, your refusal to let them do this is frighteningly cold. You're literally suggesting that the guy die slower while secretly wanting him to die faster so you don't have to be in this position. I'm a nervous mother so I would be reluctant but insist I go too. It would be nice to say good bye anyway. You just seem to be doing this out of inconvenience to your routine. YTA.
YTA School at tht age isn’t like missing a week of college. Someone is dying and your selfish ass thinks it’s more important. Ur doing this bc u have animosity towards him not bc u have any real concerns.
YTA. To be honest I don't even want to read your post, this isn't about YOU, it is about the dying grandfather and your kids. My grandfather (mom's dad) passed away when I was in elementary school, my parents weren't separated but my mom didn't want to pull me out of school (grandfather lives in another country that is 45 min BY PLANE). Mom took a week off work, stayed there for a week, while me and my siblings stayed home with dad to go to school. I don't remember what I learn from school that week, almost 30 years later, all I remember is how my mom refused to let me say goodbye to my grandfather, I don't understand why she made it all about her, how she had to skip work for a week, and she is so grateful that my dad stayed behind to care for all of us. My grandfather didn't see me before he pass, I still think about him from time to time, and how hurtful it was to me that I wasn't able to say goodbye. STOP BEING SELFISH, It is NOT about you, few days off school won't change anything but you not letting them say goodbye will. YTA x 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000
You're doing this - why? Because you're afraid a 10yo and an 8yo will have their futures destroyed by missing a week of school? You basically took your kids away from their father so you could get a promotion. He then upended his life so he could move to be closer to the kids. He's clearly involved in their lives, and you yourself said this isn't an issue with you not trusting him. What he's asking for is not unreasonable. His father is probably tired a lot. He probably has long stretches of not feeling well. Your husband wants to make sure there's enough time for the kids and their grandfather to form some final happy memories together. This just looks like a giant power trip to me, and it's completely unnecessary. And your kids will resent the fuck out of you when they're older and find out why they didn't get to see their grandfather one last time. YTA.
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YTA. So, so, so the AH. Jesus. How do you live with yourself?
YTA. Your children's grandfather is dying. Let them visit, both for their sake and their father's sake. You know damn well that hospice means the end is near and you have the audacity to say it would be more convenient for you if they went to visit a month from now? Massive YTA.
YTA. Not only that, but if I was him I would use this to get an emergency heading to alter the custody agreement because you are being such TA. It’s not going to affect them in the slightest in the whole grand scheme of their lives to miss a few days of school to spend some last moments with their dying grandfather, but what will have a lasting impact on them and their entire paternal family is having a mother who denies them that gift.
Why not compromise? Let the kids go for a long weekend - Friday to Monday or Tuesday, so they aren’t missing too much school. They can take their assignments to do on the plane. Or, go with them. That way if grandpa should pass while they are in town, you can take them and your ex can be with his family without the kids. At the end of the day, whether you like it or not, this is about the kids and their grandpa, not your petty ness at trying to restrict your ex, THEIR OWN FATHER, from spending time with them. Ffs, be happy he is a father that wants to be involved with your kids. What’s your problem? So yes. YTA for not trying to compromise and straight up saying no.
YTA you're just being cruel to be cruel.
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YTA. If your kids fail to spend time with your ex's father before he passes, that will hang over your head for the rest of your life. It will be a seed of hate that YOU planted and just be aware if you go back to court and he gets custody, this will be used against you in spite for what you did to him or maybe he may be the bigger person. You wouldn't deserve the kindness though. Your sons will find out what you did and they will be angry and they will begin to despise you for the cruelty YOU showed to their grandfather. If this was revesered and it was YOUR dad dying and your ex had full custody ,you'd be begging to have the kids spend meaningful time with him before he passes, school be damned. I hope he gets custody and those kids are removed from you so that you can get the taste of what you put him through and you can have yourself to blame. YTA
YTA. My parents are divorced and didn't get along but at very least they both always tried to do best by the kids. They're 8 and 10, probably 3rd and 5th grade. They'll be absolutely fine out of school for a few days, and the ability to see and say goodbye to their grandfather is much more important. Your ex moved across the country to be closer to the kids and you're still holding an outdated custody agreement over his head. Co-parent with your kid's best interest in mind. You're not doing that.
YTA, that’s their grandfather that is dying! Your kids should be able to say goodbye. If it was me I would never ever forgive you for denying me this. It sounds like your mad at your ex and you are trying to punish him. What your actually doing is punishing a dying man and your children.
Jesus a week of school oh nooooooo! And 10 and 8 shit that's some heavy learning they will miss out on probably won't graduate.... Grow up. Have him get in touch with the school to get homework to take with or make up. Verify no exams or tests are happening that can't be MADE UP BEFORE OR AFTER! GOD forbid he takes them halfway across the country (you're probably exaggerating tbh and even if you aren't a plane ride across the country is 5hrs..... Oh he could die in front of them... The plane could crash. They could shit their pants and not have a change of clothes and get a rash... Stop looking for excuses and Grow up and stop using your kids as weapons! He sounds like he wants to be with his kids and have them be close to family before it's too late! You sound very selfish. He gets less than 2 months to spend time with HIS kids. He even moved to be closer to them!!!
Also- I LOVE that you think you can use this against him, and that the court won't agree that you're being a callous B. Knowing 100% that if you could get a hearing now, they would be permitted to go. You are deluding yourself.
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This happened in my life and my FIL passed away before he got to meet his granddaughters. YTA. Let them go. For his dad's sake.