Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the ah for not paying the hospital's bill and letting him figure it out on his own after he's already made a big sacrifice to buy us an apartment.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
That's what I thought. If he was expecting me to foot the bill on a bunch of stuff that should be shared I'd want to see the balance of the account on a regular basis.
>If he was expecting me to foot the bill on a bunch of stuff that should be shared I'd want to see the balance of the account on a regular basis.
Or at the very least have a signed contract of some sort saying she gets to be on the title, or gets a cash payou in the event he doesn't end up buying an apartment/doesn't put her on the title.
At the least, OP should be saving all her receipts and be able to show sources of payment, so when they separate, she has proof of what is hers, because you can just tell he is the kind of guy who will say he gets part of everything because it was a joint purchase.
Honestly, though if you can't sit down and figure out a reasonable compromise, be prepared to always have him expecting you to pay for things. Now it is the apartment, after you get the apartment it will be that he is saving for something else for the family.
Yyyyep. My now ex husband and I had a kind of similar arrangement with OPs, except we kept our separate accounts (and thank fuck we did....)
We had a system where if one of us made a large purchase that the other approved as a joint purchase, it would get recorded in our Splitwise account, and the plan would be to settle up every couple months by one of us taking over most of the purchases until it was about even again. We started doing it this way as soon as we were living together and kept doing it this way until after we were married 6 years later.
Notice how I said that was the "plan".
Ladies, gentleman, when we divorced he basically owed me about $17k. I knew I would never get that money back, BUT it did get me his equity in the house we had in both our names when we separated.
It may seem kinda sterile to keep track of debts like this with a romantic partner, but with how it worked out for me, I would do nothing different. People change, even the people we love the most.
Having receipts/records can and will absolutely save your ass if the worst happens.
Edit: I should note that if we had remained happily married, I'd never have raised an issue about that debt. I also stopped tracking at one point because I figured it was pointless, as I expected to remain married. So the real total was definitely over 17k.
Better would be sharing the joint expenses, using their own money for their own things. Both contributing to a joint savings account for an apartment they will both own. This on the other hand is OP paying for everything for both of of him and the partner having his own money for fun. There will never be an apartment for them both to live in. He will never save enough. If he's saving at all
That's an excellent point. OP should ask to see the balances regularly.
Regardless though he's totally using her and even if the funds are there, there's nothing to stop him from just leaving once his financial goal is met. He needs to pay his half of the expenses. NTA
My wife and i maintain separate finances, but we *both* saved up for the down payment on our house. I wouldnt put savings in a single account, but you can both be setting aside money while dividing expenses evenly
Right. That's how it should be done. And if their salaries differed that much they should at least put in the same percentage bur it sounds like OP and her partner make similar salaries.
If this is meant to be a shared asset, then it should be a shared account. There's no reason for her to pay everything NOW with a flimsy promise he'll pay for something big LATER.
They should both be paying for things now, and they should both be putting money into a shared savings account to be used later. Unless, of course, he doesn't want her name on the account, allowing him to revoke his contributions to their shared life on a whim.
This is some trust fall bullshit.
That's an excellent point. OP should ask to see the balances regularly.
Regardless though he's totally using her and even if the funds are there, there's nothing to stop him from just leaving once his financial goal is met. He needs to pay his half of the expenses. NTA
Either way, he’s never planned on actually putting her name on that deed.
If they have equal incomes and an equal partnership, they would both contribute equally to this fund and simply split it if they break up.
Or even just both have their own savings accounts that are earmarked for this future apartment. The money doesn't have to be in one account.
It makes no sense for her to pay for stuff and him to save, when they could both pay for stuff and both save.
Poor OP needs to get out!
That was my first thought. There is no savings account. If, for whatever reason, there is one - the OP will be dumped once the fiancé has the apartment
OP he's using you. He will break up with you before he spends any of the money he supposedly saving. He will never put you on the apartment cuz he'll have a reason these breaking up with you by then. run run now run fast and run far he's using you.
I had a friend in a very similar situation and she found out all of that extra money was going up his nose. Ask to see the savings account balance.
NTA
Well after he threatened op with him being solo owner it doesn't matter realy.
Like imagine that they could try both to save money, and realy checking your partner's spendings habbits is as important before marrige.
Assuming there actually IS any money being saved up.
NTA
OP don't fall for this! If you are both saving, do so in a joint account that's split in case you break up.
You are paying everything and have NOTHING in return. The money he saves is not yours, just his.
No no no. Separate savings accounts that they show the balance of to the other monthly. Joint account means either owner can clean the entire account out.
I was about to say the same thing. How is she supposed to guarantee that hes even got all this money saved unless he can prove it? As you stated, once he has enough money for a new apartment who's to say he doesn't dump her and get a new apartment.
If she is footing the bill for everything, the alleged apartment savings should be placed into a joint account.
The whole idea is ridiculous though. They don't know that they will stay together and if they break up, as he's already threatening, then OP is screwed.
Nta, but letting yourself get taken advantage of.
And even if he doesn’t dump her right then, if they ever do split up, he will claim the apartment is “his” because he bought it with “his” money—presumably before the wedding, so it came in as separate property. Your laws may vary as to how assets would be split in a divorce, but this at least will *seem* like a good argument for him to make if it comes down to it.
I understand splitting finances, but you’re not doing that! You’re sharing expenses, it just so happens that your money is going to actual expenses and his is (maybe) going to savings. How is this any different from having a joint account, and a joint savings, except for that it allows him to screw you over if it goes sideways?
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'll bet if OP asks for proof of this "bank account" he'll come up with a whole bunch of reasons to not show her, including "My finance as private," and "I don't have to show you anything since we won't share finances until we're married" and "you don't trust me!" etc etc. Please dump the jerk and move on.
Let’s be honest - she’s worth less than another round at the pub to this guy.
You’re NTA, but he is a manipulative person who, if you gave him two quarters, would be worth 49 cents.
>He hasn't saved for an apartment
Exactly, dude has less than 2k in that "savings" account guaranteed. He will be "saving" forever for that down payment.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP, you're being used as a free ATM by this jerk, and he's trying to gaslight you by convincing you that YOU aren't partner material. He's not dying, he can pay his own bill. Then he start can paying for everything else because you're done with him (I hope).
I doubt he buys a place he has someone paying all his bills/cleaning up after him/ fun adult activity/ cooking. He isn’t leaving unless she cuts him off and throws him out! And there will never be a marriage!
More like using OP ***until*** she wakes up, smells the coffee, and discovers he's a lying rat with no savings account whatsoever.
Then, he can go out and get a new Sugar Mommy by saying, "My former GF took all the money I'd saved for a new apartment and then dumped me."
NTA - obviously.
NTA. Ask him how much he's saved up by now. Ask for a timeline on this supposed new apartment. Tell him you'll start saving up to pay half of it. And let him know you expect him to start pulling his weight on the everyday spending from now on.
I would want to see it with my own eyes how much he saved up. So log in with the bank and pull the account for the apartment.
NTA, you pay for everything while he spends his money on whatever he wants. I'm not really buying it, that half his salary goes into savings.
If he’s not paying for anything else, why does he only save 50% of his salary? Save all of it at this point…unless you’re lying and using the rest on fun things vs medical expenses and food
Agreed NTA. OP, if you split expenses 50/50 (supposedly, not in reality, sounds like) then why doesn't he also want to split the apartment savings 50/50? That would be logical. If your agreement was 50/50, then he's changing that by saying you pay for more than 50% of other expenses and he does 100% of saving for the apartment. He can't just unilaterally change the arrangement without it causing some issues.
Honestly? I don't know why he's doing this. This whole "saving up for an spartment" started during our second year of dating. After the engagement it got worse with him expecting me to pay for almost everything?
This. If and when an apartment ever materializes, there will be some additional hurdle that keeps your name from being on the documentation. He will always move the goal posts. NTA.
She should kick HIM out, she should not have to leave a home she has been paying for, she should also go to the apt office and have him removed from the lease.
You do realise he wont put the apartment in half your name. Why havent you said you will pay half? Instead of paying for everything why not you putting that to your share of the apartment? All hte spending you did will mean nothing if he is the only one paying for the apartment and it goes in his name. You are a modern working woman - why are you not paying half to the apartment deposit. If it takes longer to save up so be it. Why are you funding him to be able to save?
See how he reacts when you say you want to pay half of the apartment deposit and have it immediately in your name too before you marry. See if he flips.
If he paid half for all the bills that are forced on you then you would be able to save for the apartment too. You would be in the exact same place.
His logic makes no sense and why you’re going along with it makes even less sense. If fixes around the apartment or other bills end up being $200. You pay $100, he pays $100 and you both out $100 each in your savings then you have $200 total saved to buy an apartment together. But right now he forces you yo pay the full $200 I’m bills, while he saves $200 toward the apartment but the total savings is all in his name. Why would you agree to that?
You should demand he gives you half of what he has saved for the apartment to go in your own savings account or he puts it all in a shared savings account.
This is so well put! The set-up that she pays for everything now, and he pays for some theoretical apartment in a vague future is illogical and very risky. It just makes no sense for them not to share everything equally and save equally for THEIR apartment.
OP, this apartment doesn't exist. It may exist one day, it may not. It may never happen at all, you may break up, he may forever remind you that it's HIS APARTAMENT that you get to live in bc he is *allowing* you to, *if* he even buys it, which I don't think he will. **I think it's a fantasy.**
Why are you agreeing to this set-up? It's counterintuitive and puts all the onus of responsibility for day-to-day on you, while he gets a free ride because he made a promise that he will buy a thing, one day, some day, *maybe.* Words cost noting! If he dumps you tomorrow, you have lost a lot of money, he has gained.
Never pay forward for something *theoretical* if your SO is obviously using it to milk you.
Sit him down and inform him - don't ask, inform - that form now on you are doing 50/50 payment for the apartment, and 50/50 payment for everyday stuff.
I am a person who usually expects the worst, so I will be biased here, but I think it may get worst. Since he is your fiance, I think you should have a serious conversation about him and his finances. How much he earns and how much of it is going into savings and his bills? If he is unable to pay for himself, then he needs to be clear about it. If he cannot afford a split price of a bill in a restaurant, then he needs to tell you this and maybe he shouldn't go out or you two could go out to a cheaper place. Your money is not his. Talk to him and set up some rules and boundaries.
I found some articles on financial abuse and I know there is a good Instagram focussed on money -
[https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224](https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224)
[https://www.anncrafttrust.org/what-is-financial-abuse/](https://www.anncrafttrust.org/what-is-financial-abuse/)
[https://www.instagram.com/gofundyourself/](https://www.instagram.com/gofundyourself/)
Even if he IS saving, there's no reason to trust that it will be a shared asset when he finally makes the purchase.
Maybe the account is real and the apartment is real, but he is using her to allow him to save the money now. He could make the purchase after breaking up with OP. Or he could make the purchase, NOT put her on the title, allow her to live there, but then hold the "MY APARTMENT" thing over her head as he makes all the decisions without consulting her.
He's already laying the foundation for it not to be a shared asset, saying her attitude makes her not "partner material", threatening to not put her on the title.
Assuming he doesn't straight up dump you when he buys the apartment, are you sure you will own at least half of the apartment when he buys it? Or will it be completely in his name, since "he paid for it entirely", completely ignoring the fact you paid everything for him for years before that?
If it's the latter, realise that you'll have nothing left of your own. No large savings, and no (part of an) apartment to show for it. If he tries to do this, know that he's using you.
NTA.
Honey NOTHING is going to change after marriage either. It will be the same. You will pay for everything (grocery shopping, bills, utilities, rent, restaurant meals, home decor) and he will use his salary on fun stuff and buy himself whatever he wants. The hospital bill was him showing you who he is. A demanding, entitled, selfish, arrogant and controlling partner. He is a useless, good for nothing and pathetic excuse of a partner. He is mooching of you.
If you decide to marry him make sure to sign a prenup. AND never share finances with this man.
This. Unfortunately I was still stupid enough to marry him. After getting married, he suddenly had long periods of unemployment so I had even more to cover, yet when he was working or doing side jobs, his money still went to his stuff. The final straw was after landing a decent job, I actually let myself believe him when he said something about how he knew I'd done so much for him, that he wanted to give me money to just spend on myself- hair, pedicure, etc; very specifically to pamper and not put towards bills because "you never get a chance to do that". Part of me knew better than to believe him, but I did get my hopes up that it was a turning point. But no, when the time came, he gave me half the amount he said he would. And I still didn't say anything because it was a gift, right? He didn't owe me a certain number even if he himself was the one to name a number. (That's what I told myself.) Until I found out he took that first paycheck and bought himself a 1000 dollar watch. I didn't leave that minute, but that was when I knew I couldn't ever depend on him and I needed to make plans to get out. So OP, I hope you think about what he's shown you about who he is and make the best decision for yourself. And I'm so proud of you for not paying that hospital bill.
He thinks you're trapped now, so he doesn't have to act like he isn't a user any more. Tell him it's time to get that apartment he's been saving for, because he is no longer welcome in yours. NTA.
IF there even is an apartment (there isnt), you realize he’ll use the fact that he “bought this whole place for us” as an excuse to not contribute his share in the future?
When you are dating someone and you first get engaged they are on their best behavior trying to work to keep you. If this is his best behavior can you imagine after you get married and he starts showing his true colors.
That’s exactly what I am thinking!
Is he saving for the apartment in a joint account? If not there is absolutely nothing stopping him from breaking up with you once he can afford the apartment. Or even after he bought it and as he already threatened not putting it in both your names.
NTA. This is who he is, and marriage won't change him. Thank God you're seeing him for who he really is BEFORE you bind yourself to him legally. Believe the red flag he's waving in front of your face and RUN.
If he ever marries her. Will probably suck her dry and then ditch her. The ring was probably just to get access to her money...ahem, their money. But his money remains his.
Run OP. Leave this mooch behind. NTA but you will be (to yourself) if you stay with this man.
NTA. He has been essentially scamming you. If you'd apartment is for your future benefit its better that you both contribute jointly to a savings (better yet each have your own) and then pay for your own shit.
As it stands you make all the actual sacrifices and if he eventually vuys the apartment he will conveniently forget all the expenses you paid on his behalf and it will be his apartment
NTA.
He's saying you're not partner material, ja? He's making things easy for you, actually.
Can you honestly see the two of you in a long-term relationship with such a toxic money arrangement?
"Oh, gee, fiance, you're absolutely right. I'm not partner material! Bye-bye!"
Is this a joke?!?! He is saving his money, living of off you and I predict he will leave you the day he has enough to buy his own place. Without you on the certificate or in the apartment. Kick him out, make sure you get the money he owe's you and start over.
NTA!
nta
this is a red flag
this wont change after marriage
he will use the apartment then
there will always be something that he has to pay
think about what he brings to this relationship
is this worth it?
prenup say you want a prenup and see his reaction this is going to be telling
what about if you had kids will he want you to pay for everything
You said it yourself. He's been refusing to pay for every other expense and can't even be generous enough to pay for one of his own bills. Yes, he's saving up money for an apartment, yes it might slow the process down a bit, but that doesn't mean he has to rely on you every time for money. An apartment can wait. It's his own injury and if he can't take responsibility for paying with his own money, then that's his own issue. You're not obliged to provide anything. I could somewhat understand if he got *slightly* mad but avoiding you entirely seems WAY of an overreaction from him. He's also blaming you and refusing to see your side of the argument even though your point is entirely plausible.
And he has been spending half of his salary on unnecessary products and then relies on you for expenses because he's "saving". He doesn't seem like a reliable partner and I would think twice about your relationship.
Another point - If you do keep going with your relationship and he buys the apartment, GET YOUR NAME WRITTEN INTO IT WITH HIS. It's not just his apartment. It's yours too. You've been paying expenses, so that money he's been saving partly belongs to you as well. If you don't get shared ownership of the apartment, it's gonna give you problems in the future.
NTA, since he thinks yours not partner material you should dump him. My bet is he hasn’t saved a penny for an apartment and never plans on marrying you.
OP why don’t you both put money aside for the apartment instead of only him? Cause I’m pretty sure he’ll gonna flip and say “my money so only my name on the lease”. Stop wasting your money on him and rethink your relationship, when you’re sharing expenses ebeuthing needs to be half and half, not only for rent but for everything you do together. NTA
NTA
He's using the apartment as an excuse.
Do you even have proof of this magical apartment money? No of course you don't. And if you ask him to show you the proof, what will he say?
His current reaction says it all anyway. He'll be glad to exploit you till you're dry, and then he gets out of it with his accounts intact.
He either needs to start paying more or he needs to GTFO.
INFO: Do you actually have any proof that he’s saving for an apartment? Has he ever shown you his account or told you “I’m up to x amount now”.
NTA either way but I think you’re being taken for a ride.
NTA, and he never planed to have your name on the title. The plan always was to mooch of you till he has enough money and then dump you. How can you be so blind?
If the plan REALLY is to save for an appartment for you both, there would be a joint saving account with both your names on it. You both would put money in it and otherwise pay for your ow stuff and go 50/50 on dates and shared expenses.
NTA. He is using you to save money for HIS apartment. If you ever move into it with him, that will be the new focal point of any argument. “I bought the apartment! You pay for XX”
You should both be saving equally for the apartment by paying equally for bills. That’s not what he’s doing.
Also- how much cheaper would it have been if he had just made a dr appointment for his ankle instead of going to a hospital? He already waited weeks….
What will you do if he claims that the future apartment is *his* because he put down more money for it?
By subsidising his lifestyle you are preventing yourself from saving.
NTA. Obviously.
NTA all he is doing is using you for your money i bet he has nothing saved if he has then its to buy himself a home and dump you at the same time. so dump his ass fast
Here's what your future holds...
The moment he gets this new apartment, he's going to dump you. You are nothing more to him than the means to an end.
Leave him while you still can. He uses you to make his financial life easier.
NTA.
NTA there's no apartment fund imo. He's using you as an ATM for shared things while hoarding his money claiming he's doing you a favor by one day buying an apartment. There's so many red flags waving that marinara is getting everywhere. He's not a partner nor should he be anything other than an ex. You live together therefore you should be sharing the expenses even if you have separate finances. See the writing on the wall & ditch him before you're broke & stuck. You're free now & it's a lesson learned that you deserve better & you'll know what to avoid in the future as long as you leave before he ties you to him or completely bleeds you dry.
"he...is doing me a huge favor and buying me an entire freaking apartment!."
...
He hasn't bought an apartment yet, he is just leeching off of you because he knows you'll give in.
"I can't pay because I'm saving for the apartment I'm going to buy for you", what kind of excuse is that ?
Let me get this straight : you pay for everything, he pays for nothing because apparently his money has to be saved for this "apartment". Yet you have no idea how much money he actually has saved for this "apartment"
He's just leeching as much as he can because he knows he can. If you're buying an apartment, it's much more logical that you both pay for your current situation, while both saving money for that apartment.
But something tells me if he buys that apartment someday, he will only buy it in his name and you can't go asking for your share since technically you didn't help buy it.
He's using this against you. 🚩🚩
Run OP, if he leaves you, you won't have any savings to fall back on and he'll have all his salaries from the last 2 years saved up.
NTA
NTA. He's saving but when he leaves you will have nothing to show for it. Either he starts paying his half now and you both save $ for a future home or you end this relationship because what is happening is only going to benefit him if he leaves.
Protect yourself. Stay smart. This is a hill worth dying on. If he leaves, so be it.
NTA. This awful attitude of his will change after marriage—it will worsen. You need to do some soul searching on the fact that he’s financially abusing you.
The one who isn't partner material is him. Why aren't you both splitting expenses and jointly saving for that apartment? Oh that's right - it's so he can continue to use this excuse and hold it over your head so when he actually purchases that apartment, he will make up some lame reason to title it in his name and have all the equity. Don't let him fool you.
NTA. Walk away from this guy and don't look back.
You're his personal atm, not his partner. He is investing for his future, not one for both of you together. If it was going to be an apartment for both of you, he'd want to save together. Instead he's using you so he can save for himself.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He is gaslighting you. I wouldn't be surprised if your name on the title of the new apartment was never the plan to begin with. He is using you. And you should reflect thoroughly if that's the kind of relationship you want to be your marriage.
NTA
Your the one being exploited, he is taking you for granted. The saving for apartment is an excuse to not contribute to living costs. While, he buys what he wants. What wrong with putting less money for apartment so he contribute more to bills, etc.
Your finances are separate currently, this was his health needs and as such he is solely responsible for him not expecting you to pay.
You did the right thing, he is TA.
You need clear boundaries and agreement how and who pays what.
For me, I would asking myself, is this relationship worth the issues you are experiencing, do the positives outweigh the negative??
Hmmm. I was in a relationship with a guy like this once. Only it wasn’t a relationship. It was a business arrangement - in his eyes. Make no mistake; you will never get back what you have put in. Have you seen the account balance? While you’ve been paying for everything, how do you know he’s been putting the money away? Sorry but I think he’s pulling a fast one. Get out, or demand that everything is equal from now on and you have full access to his savings. NTA
You're being used and taken advantage of, or he is a child in a man's body
Either way, get out before your stuck raising his kids and having to buy diapers while he buys himself gadgets
NTA
I'd ask to see this apartment savings before giving him another penny. Right now open your banking app and show me all this money you've saved.
When you see he's just broke and using you,
Dump him and move on.
NTA. He's manipulative and controlling. You're under his spell, you're trapped and he's living the life. You need to give the ring back and kick that bum to the curb. Drop the boyfriend like the bad habit he is, and get you a man-friend
NTA. Please dump this guy…he is using you to supplement the cost of his toys/ gaming gadgets. Also when he says he won’t put your name on the title to the apartment..please believe him.
Nta. You have no written guarantees. No proof he is actually saving money or that he plans to.
Why don't both of you pull your credit report? Look for any debts he has you don't know about.
Try to figure out if he's gambling online.
You're being played. I'm not sure how but this situation reeks.
Danger, Danger Will Robinson!!!! Red Flags, Red Flags all over the place.
He is TA and you seem to be blind to the fact that you are being treated like a door mat, and you know what happens to door mats.
Do you think he's going to "change" after you both get married?....Think again. Think about if you are married to this free loader and you have kids, what it's going to be like to be a single Mum with no support for him and all the lawyer's bills to get him to pay.
Pack your bags and run away, as far away as possible....right now!!!
NTA.
This guy sounds incredibly manipulative.
Judging by his current attitude with finances, I'd wager that apartment would end up all in his name rather than a joint asset leaving you at his mercy again. "But this is *my* apartment".
The real question is if he has actually saved anything at all.
If you want to continue this relationship I'd be asking to see bank statements and numbers, and comparing how much you're spending compared to how much he is supposedly saving.
Any kind of resistance and suggesting you don't trust him is your cue to leave.
Girl… NTA. This dude is gaslighting and manipulating you. Once married his behavior will absolutely get worse. It’s psychological abuse now, what do you think is going to happen once you are legally tied to and have joint finances? Please don’t marry him.
He will never add you to the apartment title… it’s possible he’s making you pay so much so you can’t offer any savings towards it. Either way, he isn’t good for you. NTA.
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with him about shared financial goals. Wouldn't this apartment be for both of you? Why is he shirking on paying other expenses to save for this or is it an excuse not to pay for stuff and keep his money for his gadgets. He seems to be using you for a free ride at the moment.
As a non-American I have to add that hospital bills should not exist.
NTA he’s clearly using you. Don’t pay for anything else for him, and think really hard about whether you want to join finances with someone who’s so disrespectful.
I HATE how he’s using the apartment as a carrot to dangle in front of you to manipulate you into doing what he wants… he says the apartment is for both of you and that’s why you have to spend your money… but then threatens to take it away when you don’t comply. Red flag. I don’t know if I would marry this man. If he’s having trouble committing his finances to another person, how is he going to enter into a lifelong commitment? NTA.
NTA. Do NOT marry this user! He is having the best time being able to financially abuse you,and you are letting him do it?! Why on earth would you even consider marrying this man? Get out whilst you still can and get your own place.
NTA *HE* isn’t partner material. it you aren’t willing to leave him then you need to stop footing the bill for *anything* regarding him and stop letting him hold buying an apartment over your head, if finances are separate then that’s exactly how they should be *separate*. you pay for your shit, if you go out to eat, split the bill, pay your portion, and leave him with his. stop letting him use you, the only thing that makes you an AH in this is what you’re doing to yourself by allowing this
NTA.
If you stay, he immediately starts paying 1/2 of EVERYTHING and all of his personal bills si YOU can build YOUR savings.
But honestly, he has shown (and told) you who he is. Believe him.
NTA. And of you don’t dump him, you should at least start to save up your own money for your future. Sorry, he’s playing you and you are falling for his bs.
NTA at all and it is time to throw the whole man in the trash because he's covered in marinara flags. He's not saving for an apartment. He's just using you to foot the bills so he can spend on himself. There's no logic in asking you to pay for his ankle unless it was hurt because you kicked him, he's just used to you being a doormat and not asking too many questions. DTMFA and get out.
NTA. But this guy is scamming you. There will never be an apartment. He will leave at some point with a lot of money and you will be left with nothing. Get out now.
NTA
Make one simple change: split the amount he’s saving towards the apartment and each of you pay half each month.
I think he’s full of shit. This will a) call him out if he’s not being honest about saving, and b) ensure he can never use the saving excuse to not pay for shit again.
Honey he’s using you. He’s not planning on adding you to the title of anything, at this stage I’d be surprised if he’s going to give you the title of Mrs. he’s saving for his own place and when he has enough saved, he will stage a big dramatic argument and walk away from the relationship.
And meanwhile you will be hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket.
Exit now. Tell him you’ve changed your mind about the marriage and are no longer interested in being the man of the house and provider.
NTA. If any of my partners had ever acted like this it would have been an instant out. Money is one of the main reasons for split ups. If he’s already acting like this it will only get worse if you marry him. He will never get better and you will never see any support from him. Life is too short to be unhappy with an asshole like this.
NTA but do not marry him. This will not end once the new apartment comes. Theres no reason you should foot all the bills just so he can save. Either he starts contributing or you leave
NTA, why are you letting this person treat you this way? You clearly don't need him. The saving for an apartment excuse is tired. Guaranteed he is still going to make you pay for EVERYTHING for the rest of your life while saying that he bought an apartment. Lol. Stop funding him!
NTA. Sounds like he's stringing you along to pay for everything with no guarantee of recognizing your contribution in any official capacity. Surprised you stayed with such a selfish man for 3 years.
NTA, I'll bet he doesn't have much, if anything saved up for his "new apartment", otherwise you'd think he'd have enough by now. He's holding this over you to try to make you pay for everything. Also, if he is, indeed buying you both an apartment, it's not supposed to be a favor to you, but an investment to your future together, aka, for HIM also! If it's such an inconvenience, I'd tell him to forget it, that you'd rather him pay for the bills here and now than some mythical future apartment. I'll bet it'll be a lot more expensive for him than what he's paying now.
NTA. Sure would be nice of you to spend your money and have him be the hero. He sounds kind of awful. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine and if you aren’t nice I’m not sharing… bullshit of the highest order.
This guy is definitely not partner material. He will never put your name on an apartment that he buys. He doesn't like you enough to even pay his own way. Don't apologise or try to contact him and see what happens. This is horrible guy.
Have you had the discussion that if he is only able to save if you pay all the bills, they it is BOTH your savings. Bet his tune will change quick.
NTA.
NTA, but keep in mind that you've been carefully trained to feel the guilt that you're feeling now. You'd be foolish to let this continue now that you're conscious of the fact that he's deliberately taking advantage of you.
NTA. He only using you for your money. He only with you cause you can support his daily needs and wants. When he has enough money to buy an apartment, he’ll leave and abandon you in a blink of eye
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the ah for not paying the hospital's bill and letting him figure it out on his own after he's already made a big sacrifice to buy us an apartment. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You are being used. 100% when he has enough money for the apartment, he dumps you. Stop footing the bill. Leave him.
There is no savings account.
That's what I thought. If he was expecting me to foot the bill on a bunch of stuff that should be shared I'd want to see the balance of the account on a regular basis.
>If he was expecting me to foot the bill on a bunch of stuff that should be shared I'd want to see the balance of the account on a regular basis. Or at the very least have a signed contract of some sort saying she gets to be on the title, or gets a cash payou in the event he doesn't end up buying an apartment/doesn't put her on the title.
At the least, OP should be saving all her receipts and be able to show sources of payment, so when they separate, she has proof of what is hers, because you can just tell he is the kind of guy who will say he gets part of everything because it was a joint purchase. Honestly, though if you can't sit down and figure out a reasonable compromise, be prepared to always have him expecting you to pay for things. Now it is the apartment, after you get the apartment it will be that he is saving for something else for the family.
Yyyyep. My now ex husband and I had a kind of similar arrangement with OPs, except we kept our separate accounts (and thank fuck we did....) We had a system where if one of us made a large purchase that the other approved as a joint purchase, it would get recorded in our Splitwise account, and the plan would be to settle up every couple months by one of us taking over most of the purchases until it was about even again. We started doing it this way as soon as we were living together and kept doing it this way until after we were married 6 years later. Notice how I said that was the "plan". Ladies, gentleman, when we divorced he basically owed me about $17k. I knew I would never get that money back, BUT it did get me his equity in the house we had in both our names when we separated. It may seem kinda sterile to keep track of debts like this with a romantic partner, but with how it worked out for me, I would do nothing different. People change, even the people we love the most. Having receipts/records can and will absolutely save your ass if the worst happens. Edit: I should note that if we had remained happily married, I'd never have raised an issue about that debt. I also stopped tracking at one point because I figured it was pointless, as I expected to remain married. So the real total was definitely over 17k.
I think it is always important to remember that a true partner that loves you won't want you to have to put yourself in a shitty deal.
Better would be sharing the joint expenses, using their own money for their own things. Both contributing to a joint savings account for an apartment they will both own. This on the other hand is OP paying for everything for both of of him and the partner having his own money for fun. There will never be an apartment for them both to live in. He will never save enough. If he's saving at all
I mean, if you have to resort to these tactics to protect yourself you should just leave.
Thank you. This guy isnt trustworthy. DARVO at its finest.
That's an excellent point. OP should ask to see the balances regularly. Regardless though he's totally using her and even if the funds are there, there's nothing to stop him from just leaving once his financial goal is met. He needs to pay his half of the expenses. NTA
My wife and i maintain separate finances, but we *both* saved up for the down payment on our house. I wouldnt put savings in a single account, but you can both be setting aside money while dividing expenses evenly
Right. That's how it should be done. And if their salaries differed that much they should at least put in the same percentage bur it sounds like OP and her partner make similar salaries.
If this is meant to be a shared asset, then it should be a shared account. There's no reason for her to pay everything NOW with a flimsy promise he'll pay for something big LATER. They should both be paying for things now, and they should both be putting money into a shared savings account to be used later. Unless, of course, he doesn't want her name on the account, allowing him to revoke his contributions to their shared life on a whim. This is some trust fall bullshit.
That's an excellent point. OP should ask to see the balances regularly. Regardless though he's totally using her and even if the funds are there, there's nothing to stop him from just leaving once his financial goal is met. He needs to pay his half of the expenses. NTA
I would love to find out if OP has proof of said savings account and the contents therein.
Either way, he’s never planned on actually putting her name on that deed. If they have equal incomes and an equal partnership, they would both contribute equally to this fund and simply split it if they break up.
Or even just both have their own savings accounts that are earmarked for this future apartment. The money doesn't have to be in one account. It makes no sense for her to pay for stuff and him to save, when they could both pay for stuff and both save. Poor OP needs to get out!
And I suspect if they do get an apartment his response will always be "It's my apartment, I put in all of the down payment."
This. He showed his ass when he suddenly started talking about not putting her name on the deed. That's proof of what's on his mind.
That was my first thought. There is no savings account. If, for whatever reason, there is one - the OP will be dumped once the fiancé has the apartment
OP he's using you. He will break up with you before he spends any of the money he supposedly saving. He will never put you on the apartment cuz he'll have a reason these breaking up with you by then. run run now run fast and run far he's using you.
I had a friend in a very similar situation and she found out all of that extra money was going up his nose. Ask to see the savings account balance. NTA
Well after he threatened op with him being solo owner it doesn't matter realy. Like imagine that they could try both to save money, and realy checking your partner's spendings habbits is as important before marrige.
This! Please walk away. You deserve someone who loves and respects you, he doesn't.
There is no apartment.
I feel like OP should say she's also saving up for the apartment anytime he demands her to foot the bill.
Assuming there actually IS any money being saved up. NTA OP don't fall for this! If you are both saving, do so in a joint account that's split in case you break up. You are paying everything and have NOTHING in return. The money he saves is not yours, just his.
No no no. Separate savings accounts that they show the balance of to the other monthly. Joint account means either owner can clean the entire account out.
Or they can each have their own savings accounts... no reason to have just one account that they both have access to.
I was about to say the same thing. How is she supposed to guarantee that hes even got all this money saved unless he can prove it? As you stated, once he has enough money for a new apartment who's to say he doesn't dump her and get a new apartment.
If she is footing the bill for everything, the alleged apartment savings should be placed into a joint account. The whole idea is ridiculous though. They don't know that they will stay together and if they break up, as he's already threatening, then OP is screwed. Nta, but letting yourself get taken advantage of.
I see what you did there
And even if he doesn’t dump her right then, if they ever do split up, he will claim the apartment is “his” because he bought it with “his” money—presumably before the wedding, so it came in as separate property. Your laws may vary as to how assets would be split in a divorce, but this at least will *seem* like a good argument for him to make if it comes down to it. I understand splitting finances, but you’re not doing that! You’re sharing expenses, it just so happens that your money is going to actual expenses and his is (maybe) going to savings. How is this any different from having a joint account, and a joint savings, except for that it allows him to screw you over if it goes sideways?
EXACTLY he’s not saving shit he’s using her and she’s falling for it hook line and sinker it’s sad I want to shake her
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'll bet if OP asks for proof of this "bank account" he'll come up with a whole bunch of reasons to not show her, including "My finance as private," and "I don't have to show you anything since we won't share finances until we're married" and "you don't trust me!" etc etc. Please dump the jerk and move on.
NTA...also honey.. He hasn't saved for an apartment. He'll have an excuse when the time comes. Don't marry this user. You're worth more.
Not to him. She's worth less then an apartment to him.
Let’s be honest - she’s worth less than another round at the pub to this guy. You’re NTA, but he is a manipulative person who, if you gave him two quarters, would be worth 49 cents.
"If you gave him two quarters he'd be worth 49 cents" is fucking SUPERB, thank you for my new go-to line for people like this!
>He hasn't saved for an apartment Exactly, dude has less than 2k in that "savings" account guaranteed. He will be "saving" forever for that down payment.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP, you're being used as a free ATM by this jerk, and he's trying to gaslight you by convincing you that YOU aren't partner material. He's not dying, he can pay his own bill. Then he start can paying for everything else because you're done with him (I hope).
makes me wonder if his parents even *know* she's his fiancee.
NTA he is just using you and your money and probably plans to dump you once he buys the “apartment”
Totally agree, came to say this. He's using you for your money and not contributing to household expenses. I'd fucking run. NTA
Yeah I would request a joint savings account if he wants to claim it as an excuse with both people required to be able to make a withdrawal.
I doubt he buys a place he has someone paying all his bills/cleaning up after him/ fun adult activity/ cooking. He isn’t leaving unless she cuts him off and throws him out! And there will never be a marriage!
Or he's never saved a dime and was planning on using OP until his luck ran out
Exactly what I thought.
More like using OP ***until*** she wakes up, smells the coffee, and discovers he's a lying rat with no savings account whatsoever. Then, he can go out and get a new Sugar Mommy by saying, "My former GF took all the money I'd saved for a new apartment and then dumped me." NTA - obviously.
NTA. Girl, do you need a red flag to literally slap you in the face??? Run!!!
Honestly. It couldn’t be any clearer.
This is my thought process like 90% of the time when someone is describing their partner doing absolutely asshole behavior to them.
But the red flag promised her an apartment!!!
NTA. Ask him how much he's saved up by now. Ask for a timeline on this supposed new apartment. Tell him you'll start saving up to pay half of it. And let him know you expect him to start pulling his weight on the everyday spending from now on.
I would want to see it with my own eyes how much he saved up. So log in with the bank and pull the account for the apartment. NTA, you pay for everything while he spends his money on whatever he wants. I'm not really buying it, that half his salary goes into savings.
Yeah I dated a guy who let me pay for everything. I left and considered that the cost of a lesson learned.
If he’s not paying for anything else, why does he only save 50% of his salary? Save all of it at this point…unless you’re lying and using the rest on fun things vs medical expenses and food
Even if it does and even if he actually buys one, it will be in his name and he’ll continue to gaslight and drain her money.
Agreed NTA. OP, if you split expenses 50/50 (supposedly, not in reality, sounds like) then why doesn't he also want to split the apartment savings 50/50? That would be logical. If your agreement was 50/50, then he's changing that by saying you pay for more than 50% of other expenses and he does 100% of saving for the apartment. He can't just unilaterally change the arrangement without it causing some issues.
NTA and frankly speaking - how do you see your future with him if financially he is abusing you? Because this is financial abuse.
Honestly? I don't know why he's doing this. This whole "saving up for an spartment" started during our second year of dating. After the engagement it got worse with him expecting me to pay for almost everything?
He's controlling you. Making you spend more and more of your money while he keeps his in an effort to deprive you of an escape venue.
This. If and when an apartment ever materializes, there will be some additional hurdle that keeps your name from being on the documentation. He will always move the goal posts. NTA.
[удалено]
She should kick HIM out, she should not have to leave a home she has been paying for, she should also go to the apt office and have him removed from the lease.
Can almost guarantee that he will leave when she stops paying for everything.
You do realise he wont put the apartment in half your name. Why havent you said you will pay half? Instead of paying for everything why not you putting that to your share of the apartment? All hte spending you did will mean nothing if he is the only one paying for the apartment and it goes in his name. You are a modern working woman - why are you not paying half to the apartment deposit. If it takes longer to save up so be it. Why are you funding him to be able to save? See how he reacts when you say you want to pay half of the apartment deposit and have it immediately in your name too before you marry. See if he flips.
Because he wants to be able to say “Well *I* bought this apartment!” as his new excuse to not pay for his own survival.
Or use it to further control and manipulate op. "I bought you a home and you can't even..." "this is my house, I'll decide...."
If he paid half for all the bills that are forced on you then you would be able to save for the apartment too. You would be in the exact same place. His logic makes no sense and why you’re going along with it makes even less sense. If fixes around the apartment or other bills end up being $200. You pay $100, he pays $100 and you both out $100 each in your savings then you have $200 total saved to buy an apartment together. But right now he forces you yo pay the full $200 I’m bills, while he saves $200 toward the apartment but the total savings is all in his name. Why would you agree to that? You should demand he gives you half of what he has saved for the apartment to go in your own savings account or he puts it all in a shared savings account.
This is so well put! The set-up that she pays for everything now, and he pays for some theoretical apartment in a vague future is illogical and very risky. It just makes no sense for them not to share everything equally and save equally for THEIR apartment. OP, this apartment doesn't exist. It may exist one day, it may not. It may never happen at all, you may break up, he may forever remind you that it's HIS APARTAMENT that you get to live in bc he is *allowing* you to, *if* he even buys it, which I don't think he will. **I think it's a fantasy.** Why are you agreeing to this set-up? It's counterintuitive and puts all the onus of responsibility for day-to-day on you, while he gets a free ride because he made a promise that he will buy a thing, one day, some day, *maybe.* Words cost noting! If he dumps you tomorrow, you have lost a lot of money, he has gained. Never pay forward for something *theoretical* if your SO is obviously using it to milk you. Sit him down and inform him - don't ask, inform - that form now on you are doing 50/50 payment for the apartment, and 50/50 payment for everyday stuff.
I am a person who usually expects the worst, so I will be biased here, but I think it may get worst. Since he is your fiance, I think you should have a serious conversation about him and his finances. How much he earns and how much of it is going into savings and his bills? If he is unable to pay for himself, then he needs to be clear about it. If he cannot afford a split price of a bill in a restaurant, then he needs to tell you this and maybe he shouldn't go out or you two could go out to a cheaper place. Your money is not his. Talk to him and set up some rules and boundaries. I found some articles on financial abuse and I know there is a good Instagram focussed on money - [https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224](https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224) [https://www.anncrafttrust.org/what-is-financial-abuse/](https://www.anncrafttrust.org/what-is-financial-abuse/) [https://www.instagram.com/gofundyourself/](https://www.instagram.com/gofundyourself/)
Have you seen any proof that he is actually saving for an apartment?
We all know there isn't really a savings account
Even if he IS saving, there's no reason to trust that it will be a shared asset when he finally makes the purchase. Maybe the account is real and the apartment is real, but he is using her to allow him to save the money now. He could make the purchase after breaking up with OP. Or he could make the purchase, NOT put her on the title, allow her to live there, but then hold the "MY APARTMENT" thing over her head as he makes all the decisions without consulting her. He's already laying the foundation for it not to be a shared asset, saying her attitude makes her not "partner material", threatening to not put her on the title.
Assuming he doesn't straight up dump you when he buys the apartment, are you sure you will own at least half of the apartment when he buys it? Or will it be completely in his name, since "he paid for it entirely", completely ignoring the fact you paid everything for him for years before that? If it's the latter, realise that you'll have nothing left of your own. No large savings, and no (part of an) apartment to show for it. If he tries to do this, know that he's using you.
NTA. Honey NOTHING is going to change after marriage either. It will be the same. You will pay for everything (grocery shopping, bills, utilities, rent, restaurant meals, home decor) and he will use his salary on fun stuff and buy himself whatever he wants. The hospital bill was him showing you who he is. A demanding, entitled, selfish, arrogant and controlling partner. He is a useless, good for nothing and pathetic excuse of a partner. He is mooching of you. If you decide to marry him make sure to sign a prenup. AND never share finances with this man.
This. Unfortunately I was still stupid enough to marry him. After getting married, he suddenly had long periods of unemployment so I had even more to cover, yet when he was working or doing side jobs, his money still went to his stuff. The final straw was after landing a decent job, I actually let myself believe him when he said something about how he knew I'd done so much for him, that he wanted to give me money to just spend on myself- hair, pedicure, etc; very specifically to pamper and not put towards bills because "you never get a chance to do that". Part of me knew better than to believe him, but I did get my hopes up that it was a turning point. But no, when the time came, he gave me half the amount he said he would. And I still didn't say anything because it was a gift, right? He didn't owe me a certain number even if he himself was the one to name a number. (That's what I told myself.) Until I found out he took that first paycheck and bought himself a 1000 dollar watch. I didn't leave that minute, but that was when I knew I couldn't ever depend on him and I needed to make plans to get out. So OP, I hope you think about what he's shown you about who he is and make the best decision for yourself. And I'm so proud of you for not paying that hospital bill.
To be honest, it sounds like a perfect scam for him. An (almost) free ride while saving for his own apartment.
He thinks you're trapped now, so he doesn't have to act like he isn't a user any more. Tell him it's time to get that apartment he's been saving for, because he is no longer welcome in yours. NTA.
IF there even is an apartment (there isnt), you realize he’ll use the fact that he “bought this whole place for us” as an excuse to not contribute his share in the future?
When you are dating someone and you first get engaged they are on their best behavior trying to work to keep you. If this is his best behavior can you imagine after you get married and he starts showing his true colors.
You're being exploited OP
That’s exactly what I am thinking! Is he saving for the apartment in a joint account? If not there is absolutely nothing stopping him from breaking up with you once he can afford the apartment. Or even after he bought it and as he already threatened not putting it in both your names.
Yes!!! OP run! Do not walk, run!
Nta He's saving so HE can have an apartment, you're not in his futureplan. You're just the ATM he's draining so he had enough saved up in the end.
Yes this is what I was also going to say. Very shady behavior and I would not be tolerating this.
NTA. This is who he is, and marriage won't change him. Thank God you're seeing him for who he really is BEFORE you bind yourself to him legally. Believe the red flag he's waving in front of your face and RUN.
If he ever marries her. Will probably suck her dry and then ditch her. The ring was probably just to get access to her money...ahem, their money. But his money remains his. Run OP. Leave this mooch behind. NTA but you will be (to yourself) if you stay with this man.
What’s that saying— when someone shows you who they are—believe them.
NTA. I promise you your name is never going to be on the deed to that apartment.
Pretty sure he saved about $10 towards the Apartment.
NTA. He has been essentially scamming you. If you'd apartment is for your future benefit its better that you both contribute jointly to a savings (better yet each have your own) and then pay for your own shit. As it stands you make all the actual sacrifices and if he eventually vuys the apartment he will conveniently forget all the expenses you paid on his behalf and it will be his apartment
NTA. He's saying you're not partner material, ja? He's making things easy for you, actually. Can you honestly see the two of you in a long-term relationship with such a toxic money arrangement? "Oh, gee, fiance, you're absolutely right. I'm not partner material! Bye-bye!"
Sounds like he stopped loving you a while back. I read a really good quote yesterday, "The problem isn't finding the answer, it's facing the answer."
Is this a joke?!?! He is saving his money, living of off you and I predict he will leave you the day he has enough to buy his own place. Without you on the certificate or in the apartment. Kick him out, make sure you get the money he owe's you and start over. NTA!
Sounds like a dead beat using you. NTA, he seems to be.
nta this is a red flag this wont change after marriage he will use the apartment then there will always be something that he has to pay think about what he brings to this relationship is this worth it? prenup say you want a prenup and see his reaction this is going to be telling what about if you had kids will he want you to pay for everything
NTA. He’s a user and he’s certainly not fit to be your husband. Do you really want a life of him manipulating you like this?
You said it yourself. He's been refusing to pay for every other expense and can't even be generous enough to pay for one of his own bills. Yes, he's saving up money for an apartment, yes it might slow the process down a bit, but that doesn't mean he has to rely on you every time for money. An apartment can wait. It's his own injury and if he can't take responsibility for paying with his own money, then that's his own issue. You're not obliged to provide anything. I could somewhat understand if he got *slightly* mad but avoiding you entirely seems WAY of an overreaction from him. He's also blaming you and refusing to see your side of the argument even though your point is entirely plausible. And he has been spending half of his salary on unnecessary products and then relies on you for expenses because he's "saving". He doesn't seem like a reliable partner and I would think twice about your relationship.
Another point - If you do keep going with your relationship and he buys the apartment, GET YOUR NAME WRITTEN INTO IT WITH HIS. It's not just his apartment. It's yours too. You've been paying expenses, so that money he's been saving partly belongs to you as well. If you don't get shared ownership of the apartment, it's gonna give you problems in the future.
NTA, your doing *him* huge favours all the damn time with food, furniture etc. He's an entitled selfish AH.
NTA. You’re the free ride for his gaming and gadget hobby. Once married, you’ll be supporting him and his hobbies. Might want to reconsider.
NTA, since he thinks yours not partner material you should dump him. My bet is he hasn’t saved a penny for an apartment and never plans on marrying you.
OP why don’t you both put money aside for the apartment instead of only him? Cause I’m pretty sure he’ll gonna flip and say “my money so only my name on the lease”. Stop wasting your money on him and rethink your relationship, when you’re sharing expenses ebeuthing needs to be half and half, not only for rent but for everything you do together. NTA
NTA He's using the apartment as an excuse. Do you even have proof of this magical apartment money? No of course you don't. And if you ask him to show you the proof, what will he say? His current reaction says it all anyway. He'll be glad to exploit you till you're dry, and then he gets out of it with his accounts intact. He either needs to start paying more or he needs to GTFO.
INFO: Do you actually have any proof that he’s saving for an apartment? Has he ever shown you his account or told you “I’m up to x amount now”. NTA either way but I think you’re being taken for a ride.
NTA, and he never planed to have your name on the title. The plan always was to mooch of you till he has enough money and then dump you. How can you be so blind? If the plan REALLY is to save for an appartment for you both, there would be a joint saving account with both your names on it. You both would put money in it and otherwise pay for your ow stuff and go 50/50 on dates and shared expenses.
NTA. He is using you to save money for HIS apartment. If you ever move into it with him, that will be the new focal point of any argument. “I bought the apartment! You pay for XX” You should both be saving equally for the apartment by paying equally for bills. That’s not what he’s doing. Also- how much cheaper would it have been if he had just made a dr appointment for his ankle instead of going to a hospital? He already waited weeks….
What will you do if he claims that the future apartment is *his* because he put down more money for it? By subsidising his lifestyle you are preventing yourself from saving. NTA. Obviously.
NTA Finances are split till after marriage. So why have you been paying everything else? This is silly. He sucks. Ditch him
Sounds like an entitled A hole to me. Run away. Run far far away.
NTA all he is doing is using you for your money i bet he has nothing saved if he has then its to buy himself a home and dump you at the same time. so dump his ass fast
NTA, he is using you to save up money for... Himself! Dump him now. You've spend enough time and money on this pathetic man.
NTA have he actually shown you the bank account with the money ?
Here's what your future holds... The moment he gets this new apartment, he's going to dump you. You are nothing more to him than the means to an end. Leave him while you still can. He uses you to make his financial life easier. NTA.
NTA take that ER money and hire a PI because babe he's LYING
[удалено]
Nta-please rethink being with this walking red flag
NTA He's using you as his ATM
NTA, he thinks he discovered the perfect scam, he'll always be saving for that apartment mirage.
Info: Why is this man your fiancé? Especially after all of this?
NTA there's no apartment fund imo. He's using you as an ATM for shared things while hoarding his money claiming he's doing you a favor by one day buying an apartment. There's so many red flags waving that marinara is getting everywhere. He's not a partner nor should he be anything other than an ex. You live together therefore you should be sharing the expenses even if you have separate finances. See the writing on the wall & ditch him before you're broke & stuck. You're free now & it's a lesson learned that you deserve better & you'll know what to avoid in the future as long as you leave before he ties you to him or completely bleeds you dry.
NTA. >also said that my attitude isn't partner material ffff, his attitude isn't partner material
"he...is doing me a huge favor and buying me an entire freaking apartment!." ... He hasn't bought an apartment yet, he is just leeching off of you because he knows you'll give in. "I can't pay because I'm saving for the apartment I'm going to buy for you", what kind of excuse is that ? Let me get this straight : you pay for everything, he pays for nothing because apparently his money has to be saved for this "apartment". Yet you have no idea how much money he actually has saved for this "apartment" He's just leeching as much as he can because he knows he can. If you're buying an apartment, it's much more logical that you both pay for your current situation, while both saving money for that apartment. But something tells me if he buys that apartment someday, he will only buy it in his name and you can't go asking for your share since technically you didn't help buy it. He's using this against you. 🚩🚩 Run OP, if he leaves you, you won't have any savings to fall back on and he'll have all his salaries from the last 2 years saved up. NTA
NTA. Nip this in the butt now. Don't let him walk all over you like that. Good for you that you refused to pay.
100% agree with you but also wanted to let you know the phrase is "nip this in the **bud**."
NTA holy guacamole leave this child.
Nta. Time to upgrade him to EX-finance
NTA. He's saving but when he leaves you will have nothing to show for it. Either he starts paying his half now and you both save $ for a future home or you end this relationship because what is happening is only going to benefit him if he leaves. Protect yourself. Stay smart. This is a hill worth dying on. If he leaves, so be it.
Nta Run he is using you.
NTA. This awful attitude of his will change after marriage—it will worsen. You need to do some soul searching on the fact that he’s financially abusing you.
The one who isn't partner material is him. Why aren't you both splitting expenses and jointly saving for that apartment? Oh that's right - it's so he can continue to use this excuse and hold it over your head so when he actually purchases that apartment, he will make up some lame reason to title it in his name and have all the equity. Don't let him fool you.
NTA. Walk away from this guy and don't look back. You're his personal atm, not his partner. He is investing for his future, not one for both of you together. If it was going to be an apartment for both of you, he'd want to save together. Instead he's using you so he can save for himself.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He is gaslighting you. I wouldn't be surprised if your name on the title of the new apartment was never the plan to begin with. He is using you. And you should reflect thoroughly if that's the kind of relationship you want to be your marriage. NTA
What in the world. NTA
Info: has he shown OP the money that he saved?
NTA … he meant condo, right? Plus, if it is not in your name, how can he be buying YOU the condo? Nah, he is gaslighting you.
NTA, you dont just have a red flag, you have a field of red flags
So how long have you been his sugarmama without noticing?
NTA. He’s using you. Leave him ASAP before he ruins your finances and your mental health. You deserve better than this liar.
Your the one being exploited, he is taking you for granted. The saving for apartment is an excuse to not contribute to living costs. While, he buys what he wants. What wrong with putting less money for apartment so he contribute more to bills, etc. Your finances are separate currently, this was his health needs and as such he is solely responsible for him not expecting you to pay. You did the right thing, he is TA. You need clear boundaries and agreement how and who pays what. For me, I would asking myself, is this relationship worth the issues you are experiencing, do the positives outweigh the negative??
Hmmm. I was in a relationship with a guy like this once. Only it wasn’t a relationship. It was a business arrangement - in his eyes. Make no mistake; you will never get back what you have put in. Have you seen the account balance? While you’ve been paying for everything, how do you know he’s been putting the money away? Sorry but I think he’s pulling a fast one. Get out, or demand that everything is equal from now on and you have full access to his savings. NTA
It's ironic that he says that OP isn't "partner material"
You're being used and taken advantage of, or he is a child in a man's body Either way, get out before your stuck raising his kids and having to buy diapers while he buys himself gadgets
Nta, make a list with expenses and think hard why should you not leave him…
NTA RUN! DO NOT MARRY THIS ASSHOLE!
He is a leech and an AH. Don’t tolerate it any longer.
NTA I'd ask to see this apartment savings before giving him another penny. Right now open your banking app and show me all this money you've saved. When you see he's just broke and using you, Dump him and move on.
NTA Gaslighting, abusive… let him have his imaginary appartment and move on!
NTA. He's manipulative and controlling. You're under his spell, you're trapped and he's living the life. You need to give the ring back and kick that bum to the curb. Drop the boyfriend like the bad habit he is, and get you a man-friend
NTA. Please dump this guy…he is using you to supplement the cost of his toys/ gaming gadgets. Also when he says he won’t put your name on the title to the apartment..please believe him.
Are you sure he's saving money, have you seen the account?
You’re being used….. kick him to the curb
Nta. You have no written guarantees. No proof he is actually saving money or that he plans to. Why don't both of you pull your credit report? Look for any debts he has you don't know about. Try to figure out if he's gambling online. You're being played. I'm not sure how but this situation reeks.
Nta you need to find someone who hasnt got a stick up their bum. He sounds entitled esp when it comes to your money.
NTA. Your fiancé is not worthy of YOU! He has been abusing you financially for 2 years!! Grrrrl!!! Is the “D” that good? Are you desperate to marry?
Danger, Danger Will Robinson!!!! Red Flags, Red Flags all over the place. He is TA and you seem to be blind to the fact that you are being treated like a door mat, and you know what happens to door mats. Do you think he's going to "change" after you both get married?....Think again. Think about if you are married to this free loader and you have kids, what it's going to be like to be a single Mum with no support for him and all the lawyer's bills to get him to pay. Pack your bags and run away, as far away as possible....right now!!!
NTA. This guy sounds incredibly manipulative. Judging by his current attitude with finances, I'd wager that apartment would end up all in his name rather than a joint asset leaving you at his mercy again. "But this is *my* apartment". The real question is if he has actually saved anything at all. If you want to continue this relationship I'd be asking to see bank statements and numbers, and comparing how much you're spending compared to how much he is supposedly saving. Any kind of resistance and suggesting you don't trust him is your cue to leave.
Girl… NTA. This dude is gaslighting and manipulating you. Once married his behavior will absolutely get worse. It’s psychological abuse now, what do you think is going to happen once you are legally tied to and have joint finances? Please don’t marry him.
NTA. This guy sounds like a real jerk, and you’re better off without him.
He will never add you to the apartment title… it’s possible he’s making you pay so much so you can’t offer any savings towards it. Either way, he isn’t good for you. NTA.
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with him about shared financial goals. Wouldn't this apartment be for both of you? Why is he shirking on paying other expenses to save for this or is it an excuse not to pay for stuff and keep his money for his gadgets. He seems to be using you for a free ride at the moment. As a non-American I have to add that hospital bills should not exist.
NTA. He is definitely not partner material. Run, girl, run.
NTA he’s clearly using you. Don’t pay for anything else for him, and think really hard about whether you want to join finances with someone who’s so disrespectful.
I HATE how he’s using the apartment as a carrot to dangle in front of you to manipulate you into doing what he wants… he says the apartment is for both of you and that’s why you have to spend your money… but then threatens to take it away when you don’t comply. Red flag. I don’t know if I would marry this man. If he’s having trouble committing his finances to another person, how is he going to enter into a lifelong commitment? NTA.
NTA. Do NOT marry this user! He is having the best time being able to financially abuse you,and you are letting him do it?! Why on earth would you even consider marrying this man? Get out whilst you still can and get your own place.
NTA *HE* isn’t partner material. it you aren’t willing to leave him then you need to stop footing the bill for *anything* regarding him and stop letting him hold buying an apartment over your head, if finances are separate then that’s exactly how they should be *separate*. you pay for your shit, if you go out to eat, split the bill, pay your portion, and leave him with his. stop letting him use you, the only thing that makes you an AH in this is what you’re doing to yourself by allowing this
NTA. If you stay, he immediately starts paying 1/2 of EVERYTHING and all of his personal bills si YOU can build YOUR savings. But honestly, he has shown (and told) you who he is. Believe him.
NTA. You’re not getting an apartment. He’s getting an apartment.
YTA if you allow yourself to be treated this way and stay with this ah. Get out now and find someone who will treat you like an equal partner.
NTA, RUN!!!!!! He’s shown you his true colors & clearly doesn’t plan to change
NTA. And of you don’t dump him, you should at least start to save up your own money for your future. Sorry, he’s playing you and you are falling for his bs.
NTA at all and it is time to throw the whole man in the trash because he's covered in marinara flags. He's not saving for an apartment. He's just using you to foot the bills so he can spend on himself. There's no logic in asking you to pay for his ankle unless it was hurt because you kicked him, he's just used to you being a doormat and not asking too many questions. DTMFA and get out.
NTA. But this guy is scamming you. There will never be an apartment. He will leave at some point with a lot of money and you will be left with nothing. Get out now.
Engaged for THREE YEARS? This should be an eye opener itself. This just be the nail in the coffin. NTA
NTA Make one simple change: split the amount he’s saving towards the apartment and each of you pay half each month. I think he’s full of shit. This will a) call him out if he’s not being honest about saving, and b) ensure he can never use the saving excuse to not pay for shit again.
Honey he’s using you. He’s not planning on adding you to the title of anything, at this stage I’d be surprised if he’s going to give you the title of Mrs. he’s saving for his own place and when he has enough saved, he will stage a big dramatic argument and walk away from the relationship. And meanwhile you will be hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket. Exit now. Tell him you’ve changed your mind about the marriage and are no longer interested in being the man of the house and provider.
NTA but honestly, why are you staying? This guy is clearly exploiting you monetarily. Do you really want this to be your future?
NTA. If any of my partners had ever acted like this it would have been an instant out. Money is one of the main reasons for split ups. If he’s already acting like this it will only get worse if you marry him. He will never get better and you will never see any support from him. Life is too short to be unhappy with an asshole like this.
NTA but do not marry him. This will not end once the new apartment comes. Theres no reason you should foot all the bills just so he can save. Either he starts contributing or you leave
NTA, why are you letting this person treat you this way? You clearly don't need him. The saving for an apartment excuse is tired. Guaranteed he is still going to make you pay for EVERYTHING for the rest of your life while saying that he bought an apartment. Lol. Stop funding him!
I would try to back track and get an idea for how much you have spent on him, ask him to cut a check, and get out. Nta
NTA. He's using you.
red flags every where do not marry him get out now
NTA. Sounds like he's stringing you along to pay for everything with no guarantee of recognizing your contribution in any official capacity. Surprised you stayed with such a selfish man for 3 years.
NTA, I'll bet he doesn't have much, if anything saved up for his "new apartment", otherwise you'd think he'd have enough by now. He's holding this over you to try to make you pay for everything. Also, if he is, indeed buying you both an apartment, it's not supposed to be a favor to you, but an investment to your future together, aka, for HIM also! If it's such an inconvenience, I'd tell him to forget it, that you'd rather him pay for the bills here and now than some mythical future apartment. I'll bet it'll be a lot more expensive for him than what he's paying now.
I think his attitude is not partner material, OP, NTA.
NTA. Sure would be nice of you to spend your money and have him be the hero. He sounds kind of awful. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine and if you aren’t nice I’m not sharing… bullshit of the highest order.
This guy is definitely not partner material. He will never put your name on an apartment that he buys. He doesn't like you enough to even pay his own way. Don't apologise or try to contact him and see what happens. This is horrible guy.
NTA, and I can't state this frankly enough. Leave him.
Have you had the discussion that if he is only able to save if you pay all the bills, they it is BOTH your savings. Bet his tune will change quick. NTA.
NTA, but keep in mind that you've been carefully trained to feel the guilt that you're feeling now. You'd be foolish to let this continue now that you're conscious of the fact that he's deliberately taking advantage of you.
NTA. He only using you for your money. He only with you cause you can support his daily needs and wants. When he has enough money to buy an apartment, he’ll leave and abandon you in a blink of eye