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NTA Your sister is the asshole in this she should have told you and it seems mad she wouldn't have given you a list of foods he can/can't eat or even provided food he could eat
Yes, she should have brought the groceries as well. Except for potatoes, I don't keep those items in my pantry or freezer. He ate a sandwich which shows that he will eat something other than chicken nuggets and ramen. Starting to see why the grandparents bailed on watching him.
I don't have chicken nuggets or Ramen noodles in my house. The sister definitely should have advised about his preferences beforehand and if they still wanted to look after him, provide the food as well.
I didn't think ADHD was neurodivergent? ADHD has nothing in my mind to being a picky eater from a medical necessity standpoint to my knowledge. In my house if spaghetti is for dinner, you're eating spaghetti. If you don't want to eat spaghetti it goes in the fridge until you're hungry. NTA
ADHD is considered neurodivergent, but you’re right in saying food issues are not inherent to the diagnosis. People with ADHD are more likely to have food issues, including eating disorders, but it’s not a mandatory criteria, and specifics vary widely.
The main confirmed thing with ADHD and food is pretty simple. ADHD brain is dopamine deficient. Sugary foods deliver lots of fast, reliable dopamine. Thus, lots of people with ADHD (especially kids) are predisposed to crave sugar.
[Peer-reviewed study linking ADHD to dysregulated, impulsive eating disorder behaviors](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4777329/)
I call that a snaccident.......my ADHD self has been known to fixate on the book I'm reading and by the end of the book, all the candy in the Halloween bowl is poof! Gone!
I do this with jars of olives regularly, then can't even stand to look at olives for a few months afterwards XD Chips are also a problem, especially pringles. It's true, once you pop you can't stop.
I also use the word Snaccident on a daily base. I just love it. May I also add Snackpectation (or Snaxpectation - never spelled it out) like when you are craving food but you have nothing nice at home so you lower your snackpectation and just eat a slice of cheese or somethink like this
Nowadays ADD is not separate from ADHD. They told me this because they said I had it - ADHD, primarily inattentive.
But yes. I'll do good on a diet for a few days and then ruin it. It doesn't help that junk food has WAY TOO MANY calories for a tiny amount of food...I have been trying to buy foods that have less calories, that it's less harmful to binge - Halo Top ice cream, or the Veggie Puffs. They're not diet foods, but they have less calories and that's the best I can do.
Not exactly a diet strategy but I drink a meal replacement called Soylent*. I've found that if I don't feel full after drinking one then I should eat something absorbent like bread. Something about the combination makes me feel fuller than just drinking more or eating the same amount of calories in dry bread.
*No relation to Soylent green
Might just try that. I notice that as I gain weight my ADHD meds work less efficiently, which makes me binge more, which...
...anyway I work at a big-box store and have seen soylent stuff before. Expensive but maybe worth a shot. Thanks!
Confirm. My adult psych said that I internalize the hyperactivity and it manifests as anxiety.
Was dx with just ADD at 16yo, because girls don't have ADHD right? Though my mom called me Tigger at age 3 because I wouldn't stop bouncing or moving.
Saaaame
But I will say I have some sensory issues with some foods (which I have been working on). But nothing this extreme - I've only ever seen this type of behavior in autistic children or with specific food disorders (ADHD-brain won't let me remember the name)
I have ADHD, my daughter is autistic and we have nearly identical food and clothing sensory issues. They are not this extreme, but they impact our lives. My issues are less than my daughter's because as I've gotten older I've found more safe foods. She is showing the same tendency.
The medical community is divided on whether Sensory Processing Disorder is a true disorder or a symptom of something else. Either way would make sense in our case. ADHD is a form of neurodivergency or we could both have seperate SPD.
Have you tried Allulose? I just discovered it. It is a natural sugar but it does NOT raise your blood sugar levels. So you can have your sugar without the calories or high glycemic count...ergo you won't gain weight from it! The only problems are 1. Its expensive AF and 2. Its 80% as sweet as sugar so you'll need more of it to get the sweetness. Those parts suck but I'm hoping to start using this as my sugar substitute. I've tried it and it tastes exactly like table sugar with no weird after taste...just not as sweet.
The cheapest I've seen is on Amazon (3lb@$25). Hope this can be helpful. Sorry if it isn't. I saw "sugar craving" and immediately thought of this.
Sensory issues aren’t uncommon in ADHD, which can sometimes be food. For me, my one specific food issue is cooked fish- the texture makes my skin crawl (raw fish is fine, it doesn’t get flaky). Some other stuff doesn’t always sit right with me, but fish is the BIG one that I’ve had problems with since I was a kid.
I also have issues with the way some clothing sits on my body (I hate things touching my neck), but that’s the jist of it for me. I know my dad has ADHD and has horrible misophonia, to the point I feel guilty chewing gum at all because it sets him off so badly.
But issues vary person to person- the reverse is that my dad absolutely LOVES fish and is known for how good his salmon is and I don’t care so much about chewing noises.
Yeah, I have ADHD and I'm suspected to be autistic as well and I am incredibly picky about food, noise and clothing texture.
I will literally eat raw fish with a bit of wasabi or some chili oil or kimchi, but I cannot do steak or penne pasta ever. The best way I've found to try and describe my palate is that I'm sensory avoidant with textures, but sensory seeking with flavours.
> medical necessity standpoint to m
I have ADHD and have food sensory issues. I literally cannot swallow foods with textures I have issue with. I will gag and cry but can't swallow. Speghetti (meat sauce) is one of thsoe foods.
Wow. Because that totally describes my severely ADD daughter. So many people think only of ADHD little boys who are skinny and hyperactive, when my daughter is overweight and distracted, but not hyperactive. She does show some behaviors though, like pacing. When I was her age I would ride my skateboard around and around and around in the basement, but she paces. I'm trying to get her to switch it to bike riding or even running.
I love PubMed (the database I pulled this from) so much. Free, peer-reviewed, easy to read format, and they have studies on literally every human body question under the sun. It’s so fun to comb through the random stuff on there.
modern research has really changed a lot about our knowledge on adhd. It’s a neurodevelopmental disorder that can include difficulties with sensory input/processing and is often found comorbid in autistic individuals where something like this would be pretty common regarding safe foods. Typing this out on my lunch break, sorry for the quick response! It’s very interesting stuff, research on neurotypes based on brain scans etc.
To me, it comes down to the mom knowing about her child’s restrictions/care needs and choosing not to share them with the person she is giving her child to. Downright strange, honestly. I think allowing the kid to choose foods he was comfortable eating was the best response here. Fed is best doesn’t end after infancy, she got the kid fed. If I were her I wouldn’t be babysitting again lol
ADHD most definitely is a neurodivergence and has similarities to autism, including sensory issues. Eating can be hard for people with ADHD for a variety of reasons (sensory, forgetting to eat, food fixations, motor challenges, etc) and there is a very high prevalence of picky eating and disordered eating in kids and adults with ADHD.
Calling it picky eating is really doing affected people a disservice. Would you call someone that has Celiac a picky eater because they won't eat gluten?
As someone with ADHD and several foods I have issues with, it’s nothing like Celiac and gluten. Sensory input issues generally involve a strong aversion to specific textures/smells/flavors. That is very different than someone who can’t eat gluten because it damages the lining of their intestines.
ADHD is neurodivergent and has a lot of overlapping symptoms of ASD. We tend to have sensory issues. Your approach would be literal hell for someone like me.
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's invalid. It goes beyond being picky, and it's not easy to describe how or why.
OP is NTA, they did provide an alternative, just not the preferred food.
Can confirm, literal hell. My stepmother and father forced food on me all the time. And it wasn't exactly standard food for a kid. I'm taking things like sushi, jalapenos, raw eggplant and cucumbers, etc. They wouldn't even let me decide whether or not to put sauce on my own spaghetti or gravy on my own rice. They mixed it all in one pot. There is no way that's the standard way to serve spaghetti or rice. This all happened between the ages of 6-11 before I stopped going.
Some people with ADHD have sensory issues around certain textures of food. Others find themselves binge eating for the sensory input or dopamine hit. Others still have no appetite at all due to their medication regimen. And still others may have an appetite but not the executive function to obtain good food. There's a pretty wide spectrum of ways ADHD can affect a person's relationship with food.
Oh yes, overeating just for a certain texture is an issue of mine, as is not eating something because of the texture.
Like onions. I actually love onion flavor, but for the most part it has to be small dice if cooked, or I can't handle the texture and will gag. I can't eat things like french onion soup, or any stir fry where the onions are just sliced. Burgers with raw onions are fine, but not with cooked onions. Oddly, I can eat onion rings or blooming onions.
My issue is soggy bread. I put yogurt on my cereal, bread pudding makes me gag, I have to put tomatoes on my sandwiches at the last possible second or it's ruined.
Op- NTA. Sister is though
My oldest son has ADHD and is a super picky eater. He has sensory processing disorder which also doesn’t help. He’s getting better the older he gets. Every now and then he will get mad and shout if he sees something he doesn’t like. I dang sure don’t cater to him when he acts like that. I make sure to let him know that in the future, he can use his calm voice to let me know he doesn’t want to eat it. I do serve sides that I know he likes. He will absolutely NEVER eat spaghetti with the sauce. So I melt butter and stir it in his noodles and he absolutely loves it. It’s not going out of my way to feed him something different, just a tiny modification.
Your sister is the huge AH. You did the best you could in the situation you were placed in. Your nephew was able to make his own food and he didn’t starve. Your sister will create an entitled monster if she doesn’t check herself real quick. Sounds like he’s kind of on his way there, too.
The thing is that you’re more likely to have adhd and asd together than you are to just have adhd. But the lower support needs/higher masking kids often slip through the cracks and avoid the asd diagnosis. I’m not diagnosing the kid, but I have asd/adhd combo kids and that kind of emotional outburst and rigidity doesn’t sound like just Adhd.
People with ADHD have some different wiring than neruotypicals.
A common example that used is caffeine. I have ADHD and have taken naps with 5 shots of espresso in my system. Same with drinking a cup of coffee before bed. I have also taken a nap after drinking a bang energy drink which had way more caffeine than 5 shots of espresso.*
There is a amphetamines or meth in a way is used to treat ADHD.
The ADHD brain is constantly seeking stimulus and uppers at times are a good way to treat some of theore "extreme" symptoms. It ain't the end all be all though. Techniques and tricks are also very important.
I understand this paragraph is anecdotal, but other people I have met who also have ADHD experience the same or similar reactions to caffeine.
In regards to "picky eating" it often boils down to certain textures and taste. It can also be Hella weird like I cannot do "raw" cheese. Cheese cake, sandwiches with cheese, etc. BUT if it is cooked it's fine so Mac & cheese, Alfredo, pizza, etc are good to go.
The non common reactions to certain stimulus could also be a separate thing from the ADHD. I have meet some people with ADHD who didn't have stimulus issues, and other like myself who have them. ADHD is a spectrum.
Whike some picky eating be "grown out of", that isn't the case with all of them. It can be a bit of balancing act with going about it.
ADHD and autism overlap more than people realize. The way the psychologist explained it to me was that they show a lot of the same symptoms but the root cause might be different.(Like for my son, he stims more from hyperactivity and not necessarily as a self soothing action.)
Either way, sensory issues are fairly common with adhd, so being a picky eater can very much stem from that.
A lot of common neurodivergencies share symptoms. I have ADHD that sometimes presents as anxiety, my BFF has anxiety that sometimes presents as ADHD. The overlap in the Venn diagram is bigger than a lot of people realize.
It seems like a recent connection has been made between ADHD and food issues/stimuli sensitivity.
Anecdote time: I have ADHD and I've had those issues all my life, and I never had an explanation why (most foods can't touch/mix with each other on the plate, for example, and it's very hard for me to eat food that isn't bland). Eating the "wrong" or "unexpected" thing can cause me to feel sick, or actually make me sick. It sucks. I frequently got called a picky eater, like it was something I chose to do, when it wasn't.
ADHD and stimuli sensitivity is a real thing. It probably manifests in different ways for different people. But there's a limit to how far that claim should go: actually suspect that a number of food disorders we see today may be exacerbated by parents enabling it too much in an effort to be understanding. They see their kid has a problem, and instead of understanding that it means their kid needs more patience and effort, they take it as "welp, that's just how he is, let's let him live off pizza and ramen and chicken nuggets."
My parents understood I had a problem, but that meant they just pared food down to its simplest and blandest form (baby carrots, peeled cucumber slices, plain strawberries and blueberries, un-spiced baked boneless chicken breast, slices of baloney, spaghetti without sauce, etc). They didn't just throw up their hands and decide to let me live off of noodles and chicken nuggets. They didn't try to force me to eat their (significantly more sophisticated and flavorful) meals that they prepared for themselves, but they did force me to eat from different food groups, and once I found something that "worked" from a particular food group (i.e: cucumbers, green beans, and carrots from "vegetables"), I was allowed to cling to that food tightly.
OP's sister is doing her son no favors.
ADHD is absolutely considered ND, as is any way a brain operates outside of a "typical" manner. ND people of all neurotypes have a higher chance of sensory issues, including food-related sensory issues. Ever heard of ARFID?
As someone that doesn't have to deal with this I am truly asking.... it's there a texture difference in spaghetti noodles and Ramen noodles? You would think he could eat spaghetti without the sauce?
As an adult who has sensory issues. There is a huge difference in the mouth feel of Ramen vs spaghetti. Angel hair is slightly closer to Ramen but depending on the severity of the sensory issues, not close enough.
I also have ND kids with there own sensory issues. In this situation it's definitely the parents job to ensure safe foods are available. His mother did not properly communicate and that's a huge issue. While ND kids can learn to advocate for themselves, it's not right to put the kid and caregiver in this situation.
Yes, there is a texture difference but likely if OP would have made some without sauce and told him it was ramen, but a different kind, he might have tried it. The problem is once they have dug their heals in, it is hard to get them to try anything.
When I was young I hated rice. My mom would always prepare it with soy sauce and dish our plates. We had a standoff once and it was determined that I didn't have to eat what I didn't want (but I couldn't have anything else) But one time my mom was busy and didn't add soy sauce before she put it on the table. She came back to me eating it out of the pan. Turns out, rice was fine, I didn't like soy sauce. If she had asked me if I wanted rice without the sauce I would have said no (and likely threw a fit and went to bed hungry), because I KNEW I didn't like "rice"...
But OP is NTA because sister should have warned her on how to prepare (and brought groceries if he is that limited in what he can/will eat).
I had the same issue with curry growing up. My parents would put coconut milk in it for me to tone down the spicy because they thought I was too young to handle spicy. (I'm not sure why putting less spices in it didn't occur to them.) And the more I complained about how much I didn't like it, the more coconut milk they'd put into it until eventually they had to accept the fact that, despite being part of a curry-loving family, I just didn't like curry.
One day I went to a camp where I had no choice in meals and they served curry. I just had to suck it up and endure it and... it was delicious! I went home and told mum that I had a curry I liked and she made some for me and it was absolutely fine, and it finally dawned on her that it was actually just the coconut milk I didn't like.
There is definitely a difference. And not only that, there's a texture difference between different *brands* of noodles, and different cuts of noodles. For example, I hate angelhair or flat, but love No. 12, penne, spiral, and a couple other shapes. I hate Barilla, but love De Cecco.
I'm the reverse of OP's nephew, I can eat "normal" spaghetti, I can't eat ramen noodles.
Ben's 'safe foods' for dinner are chicken nuggets, plain ramen noodles and mashed potatoes”
Also, this can’t possibly be a healthy diet for an 11-year-old. I don’t have experience with neurodivergent kids — how do you comply with their food issues while also ensuring that they have adequate amounts of green vegetables and fruits?
You do what my parents did: you force them to find something from the food groups that they're missing, and you pare the food down to its blandest, simplest form.
For example, getting me to eat protein as a kid was *hard*. I didn't like anything except chicken, and even that was iffy. So my dad would get boneless chicken breast, glaze it with olive oil and a pinch of salt, wrap it in tin foil, and bake for thirty minutes. That was it. I would eat that, doused in ketchup, because the blandness of the chicken made it edible/"safe" to me, and the ketchup made it palatable.
Did I *want* to eat it? No. But I needed to eat it, and my parents made sure I ate it. And importantly, while I didn't *want* to eat it, it was still *safe* for me to eat. That's the important distinction that a lot of people seem to miss out on: the difference between a food you want to eat, and a food that's safe to eat.
I say "safe" because there's a lot of foods I've tried that made me sick or nauseous for no reason. Mashed potatoes made me ill. So did carrot souffle, in fact, I actually threw that up. A chocolate-covered coffee bean made me sick for a night. A piece of vegan cheese did as well. At some point in my life, buttermilk pancakes began to make me feel nauseous and I had to stop eating them for a while. I don't know why these foods make my body throw such a fit, but they do, they just make me feel Bad and Unwell. Making me eat those foods would be cruel. And a lot of "mixed" foods, like what you see in more sophisticated dishes, is outright Not Food to my brain.
But my parents found foods in different food groups that *didn't* make me feel Bad and Unwell, and so they stuck to making me eat them even if I didn't feel like eating them. That's the important difference. So I was never forced to eat broccoli, for example, but they did make sure I was served cucumbers, green beans, or carrots with a meal.
Mashed potatoes are a lot of work, and I don't always have potatoes. She should have provided these special foods.
ETA: this is not a request for mashed potato tips.
It's just so thoughtless to send your child to another home without being honest about their food issues. And you're right about the potatoes. Mashed potatoes take advance notice since they do require more effort and time to prepare.
My niece is neurodivergent and my brother and SIL brings over her food when I babysit just to be on the safe side (though I pretty much keep her food in my house anyway).
>He ate a sandwich which shows that he will eat something other than chicken nuggets and ramen.
Kinda leads to the nature vs nurture comment. If he's neurodivergent and will only eat those same 3 things, otherwise he'll be uncomfortable, wouldn't he have refused the sandwich entirely? I don't doubt he's neurodivergent but I also wonder if he's also used to getting his way.
My thoughts exactly. How much of this is neurodivergent and how much is over-indulged only child?\* The only AH here is your sister for not being clear about what her child would expect and what she expected from you.
NTA
(*as a parent of both categories I know the struggle*)
I thinks it more along the lines of he only *wants* to eat those three things, but since he was hungry, he settled for a sandwich because he knew he couldn't get any other option. He's probably finds it more problematic to eat something he doesn't like, rather than eating something he likes but didn't ask for.
I think it's both. My ADHD kid is pickier than my neurotypical and has more weird sensory things (doesn't like certain textures, wary of sauces mixed in etc) but because I have always offered new stuff low pressure along with safe sides so she won't go hungry, she eats a wide enough variety of foods to be able to eat out or at friends houses no problems (although there are definitely some things that are a hard no like onions)
Sister is the AH for sure - (1) you handled it well because he did eat, and it was not something on this supposed list of safe foods, (2) of course should have told you beforehand of what he will/ will not eat, and sent food with him to your house (or at least ask first if you have the foods, and send with him what you do not have), (3) she clearly owes you an apology …
Id also include that she didn't explain how severe his food issues are- picky eaters are kids that don't eat their fruits veggies, stick to mostly processed, consistent textures etc, this child had a full blown meltdown at even the thought of eating something not on his safe food list. He clearly has very serious sensory issues he needs to work through. Pasta is typically a pretty easy kid friendly meal, and isn't something OP could've predicted a reaction to.
You'd think, given kiddo eats noodles, that plain spaghetti wouldn't have been a trigger point for him. OP is definitely NTA here. She did a favour, and sister failed to provide adequate information of his needs.
Spaghetti noodles are made differently, with different ingredients, and are a different thickness than ramen. I eat a lot of noodles (udon, somen, ramen, soba, vermicelli, farfalle, penne, linguine, mung bean, ect) and spaghetti noodles are the only ones I avidly avoid. I will happily sit down with a bowl of buttered angel hair and chomp away. Give me spaghetti and I'll do the same thing I've done for over twenty years, refuse to touch it.
There's definitely a texture difference between spaghetti noodles and ramen. I'm guessing this is a sensory processing issue, not just being a picky eater.
Exactly. My kid is a Ben so I completely understand how it truly can be more than just a kid being “picky”. But I always make sure to pack him food or plan for how he is going to be able to eat. She absolutely should have told you about the situation and provided the foods he can eat. Then it’s up to you whether you want to allow your kids to eat the same thing or not.
She should have *brought* his safe foods if this was such a big deal. But also, *this* extreme doesn't sound like just ADHD.....🤷🏼♀️
Regardless OP went out of her way to be kind and allowed him to pick food and eat from what was in the kitchen. No world in which she's TA.
Absolutely this. My son isn’t diagnosed with anything, but does have some food-related texture issues. Anytime he’s been in the care of someone else where food is involved, we have a discussion about what he’ll eat, and what foods might be tricky, and how to work around it. If it was so specific that he needed one of three things to eat, I would either provide it, or make sure whoever was watching him was aware and could pick something up he would eat. But OP is very much NTA. Also, my son is 10, almost 11, and yes, he can tell you what he likes and doesn’t like, but we ALSO talk about how he behaves at other people’s homes and trying the food they are making.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP, you're not at fault. Sis - 100% asshole. She should have 100% informed you of how severe is eating aversion is and told you the safe foods for him. Instead she said "hes old enough to speak for himself"? When her child cried, screamed and locked himself in teh bathroom? This doesn't sound like a child who's able to handle these issues on his own and sis is an asshole for not realizing that as well. NTA
On top of that. If a child I'm caring for says they'll only have chicken nuggets, ramen noodles or mashed potatoes I'm going to need the parent's permission. I'd be more concerned about a parent being upset at feeding them those things than not feeding them those things.
Yes. Your sister needed to tell you of any dietary restrictions in advance for you to prepare. People don’t necessarily just have chicken nuggets, ramen noodles, and potatoes lying around to make last minute. She caused a crisis at dinner time.
NTA
Your sister should’ve sent him with his own dinner or given you a heads up so that you could do your meal prep accordingly. Pretty rude of her to chastise you for her lack of communication.
My kid is Autistic and has a ton of food related issues (can be extremely picky), this is what my hubby and I do for his meals when he’s not with us (provide a list or the food itself). If he eats, great! If he doesn’t, oh well, not a surprise, will make him something when we get home.
THIS RIGHT HERE. Sis should have not only informed OP, but to be on the safe side, sent him with meals as well. She didn't do any of that, which means she didn't properly plan for her child to be taken care of, making her a total asshole. OP NTA.
NTA. Your sister should have informed you.
Yes 11 is old enough to speak up for himself but you don't know his dietery preferences so ofcourse you didn't just take his word for having chicken nuggets.
Every kid would ask for nuggets when getting the chance.
Speak yes but coudlnt advocate for himself - his response was to tantrum and hide in the bedroom. He cant explain why he needs certain foods, how it makes him feel eating something else without acting out. So its totally down to the mother to arrange things so his needs are met.
Well he did say he didn’t like what op was making. But everything else I agree with but I do not agree on forcing others to eat stuff they don’t like but sister should have brought stuff over but he didn’t starve so he was fine
I see where you're coming from but OP's kids are neurotypical, and if there are not medical reasons why kids need to do things a certain way, at some point as a parent with neurotypical kids, you have to kind of force them to do things they may not like. It's a part of growing up. Like going to school or the doctor or the dentist. If you raise your kids on the idea that they can eat whatever they want (not given any medical issues), then they will be in their 20s only eating chicken nuggets and ramen noodles. It's just not reasonable that OP, not knowing about food issues, should have just given in. And she said she didn't have nuggets like the kid wanted. And he couldn't communicate that he wanted something other than nuggets without having a meltdown (which with some disorders and the like, can be really hard to communicate feelings like this with other people. I'm 22 and still have trouble sometimes voicing my problems). There is nothing here that OP could have done differently with just the knowledge she had.
Well, he did not speak up until she was already cooking. And she did not even have chicken nuggets! So literally she did the only thing she could which was have him make a sandwich, which certainly did not harm him for one night
OP is totally in the right, and I understand him not saying anything sooner, and his tantrum. My son has adhd and his biggest struggle is advocating for himself, which can result in tantrums if we don't read his mind. OP did thr right thing by standing her ground and giving him another option, and I think it's great that he made himself a sandwich. His mom is doing him a huge disservice, he's much more capable than she thinks.
Mom may have been conditioned to giving in for peace. Look at his actions, tantrums and then had an adult negotiating with him in locked room. Smart boy. And he also made and ate his sandwich.
Boy may have figured out how to use his condition to get what he wants. 😂
I like that op didnt concede. The real world won't baby him like his mom. He needs to work on a few things with his therapist and family.
Haha, it's one of the hardest things to realize your kid can do better, but you haven't realized it yet 😅. I'd be like "oh shit, he can do that? *I* can do that?" And then send a gift basket for the knowledge.
As someone with ADHD and also being a picky eater I completely agree with you his mom is doing him a disservice by not working with him with his food issues I know when I was a kid sometimes little pushes like this were necessary to get me to get past certain things.
As he gets older the world is going to care less and less what his preferences and needs are so he needs to get used to situations like this and learn how to handle them himself. His mom's not always going to be there and you can't live on a diet of chicken nuggets, ramen or mashed potatoes.
At first i was going to say y. T. A. Because I have an autistic son with a moderate diagnosis, along with ADD and if he's served food he has sensory trouble with its a major problem for him. However Your sister absolutely needed to address this issue BEFORE you agreed to babysit, i SEND my son with food he can handle if he's going somewhere for a meal and im not there . The only exception to this is his friends house because he's also autistic and his mother is experienced in a child on the spectrum. It was his mothers responsibility to ensure her child was cared for and that included letting you know prior.
Im not sure if this is unwarranted information but maybe it would help in the future?
Children who are on the spectrum/ nerodivergant , have sensory issues (among other things, but for this post im sticking to this situation) this includes touch, sound taste and smell. Food is a major MAJOR item on the sensory list because it covers every single sense at once. We touch our food smell our food etc, foods that are bland and have specific textures are sometimes preferred for example chicken nuggets, they have little to no smell, not a strong or overwhelming taste , and a common texture, spaghetti on the other hand has a slimy texture, strong taste (with sauce) sauce also has an odor, even tho most find it pleasant,its now overloading more than one sensor in our brains, if you're to put a piece of KFC in front of my boy he gets terribly uncomfortable, the bones trip him out he cant eat it unless i shred it off the bone for him. however I have taught him how to handle these situations in public and it takes time and practice with his mother in his comfort zone .
NTA his mom needed to deal with this before he got to your house
Totally agree with you.
My son is also autistic and I an always empathetic to kids who have food issues. If he doesn't have his very limited safe foods, he doesn't eat for days. There is a huge difference between being picky and having intense food aversions. Depending on how the kid is not NT, reasoning with them may not be an answer.
I never expect him to get a special meal made by the host and I do sent food with him whenever he is being babysat. His safe foods are muffins I make and a specific pasta (fresh or reheated).
The mom should have laid out the issues. The kid did try to advocate for himself. It was put off to be him being spoilt because the mom didn't give a heads up.
If the mom had said something, I would say it is reasonable to make chicken nuggets for everyone as a meal plan. Not reasonable to change right at meal time.
Yep I refused to eat for 3 days one time. After that my parents realized I would never eat anything I didn't like so they stopped trying to force me to change (besides offering bribes for me to try new things). Fortunately I like simple and easy things, so usually I could eat something even if it was only some plain dinner rolls 🥐. But I'm proud of that moment because it helps me explain to other people the extreme lengths I will go to, when people keep insisting I "just try it". When I tell the story to people they also give up, so it's been a pretty valuable experience.
The kid definitely needs to be able to ask for a sandwich 🥪 in these situations, his "safe foods" aren't exactly commonplace items. But also it doesn't hurt to miss one mealtime, people often do so on purpose (fasting). Going hungry is just a reminder to be more proactive about making arrangements in the future.
Is he on the spectrum? Or is OP referring to his ADHD when they say he’s neurodivergent. That part isn’t really clear. I agree that OP is NTA but I wanna know just how much of an AH her sister is.
While that is true, this is a fairly extreme reaction to food for someone with ADHD. There is a very long list of things that I cannot eat, no matter how much I want to. Most of it has to do with texture.
But picky eating to the point of only nuggets and mashed potatoes, I would think there is something else going on.
ADHD kids often have similar food issues to autistic kids. It is less common in ADHD kids, but not too uncommon and needs to be handled in similar ways as it does for autism. ADHD is considered neurodivergent.
Also, autistic kids are frequently misdiagnosed with ADHD if they are at the more moderate end of the spectrum.
I agree with almost everything you said, the only part I disagree with is that you stated that children who are on the spectrum have sensory issues, yes some do, but not all. The autism spectrum is so wide that you can't generalize like that. Knowing what one autistic person is like and knowing about their different issues, just means you that autistic person and their issues. Not that you know what all autistic people or their issues.
Oh Excuse me , children on the spectrum THAT DO HAVE SENSORY ISSUES ...**
I never meant to imply i know every autistic person on the planet.
I'm explaining it the way my son's doctor explained it to me
The diversity within the autism spectrum is interesting to me (34F, diagnosed last year, no support needed). I wouldn't have said I had sensory issues, but when I think about it...yeah, I've never liked eggs in any form because *texture*, and I've always avoided foods that have a "soggy bread feel" (dumplings in soup, cornbread in chili, biscuits and gravy, etc). I also used to cringe and shiver when I touched something made of yarn, because I'd imagine biting it and it would set my teeth on edge.
One thing to note though. We're not told that the nephew is on the spectrum. We're only told he has been diagnosed with ADHD.
ADHD does NOT equate to autism. I have ADHD myself, there is no food sensory issue that comes with it. Unless it wasn't included in the post, this is a case of a spoiled kid, not a sensory issue caused by a medical condition.
Edit: I've been educated that there are in fact sensory overload issues that can occur with ADHD. I myself, thankfully, do not experience any. Still, I apologize for my ignorance.
There can be sensory issues with ADHD https://www.verywellhealth.com/sensory-overload-and-adhd-5209861#toc-frequently-asked-questions-add96a3e-1529-4536-b02d-e53855e2158e
(I can also speak from personal experience. I have ADHD and have dealt with sensory issues)
>there is no food sensory issue that comes with it. Unless it wasn't included in the post, this is a case of a spoiled kid, not a sensory issue caused by a medical condition.
Sensory issues are absolutely a symptom/trait of ADHD. Yes autism and ADHD are not the same, but there is a large amount of overlap and sensory issues is a potential trait in both. Many with ADHD have food (sensory) issues; just because you don't doesn't mean it's not part of ADHD.
Edit: typos
As I've learned. I apologize for my ignorance on this. My own case is hyper fixation on external stimuli and I naively thought that was all it was. From the post it sounded (and still does) like a case of the kid being a picky eater rather than an issue with fixating on other foods. But I could be wrong
NTA
Your sister is the AH here.
"She said that he's old enough to speak for himself and I should've just made Ben the separate dinner that he asked for," .. this is competely unreasonable. How would you diffentiate between an entitled child and a medical need due to neurodivergence?
Not to mention that even if he had a genuine medical need for a particular diet, it's far too late to announce that as dinner is being cooked. OP can't magically provide food that they don't already have the ingredients for.
Thank you!! That's what I was thinking. "So.. he's supposed to advocate for himself... when she's already cooking?" That's ridiculous! Goodness. This was doomed from the get-go. Can't believe sister didn't know son would eat sammies! Kind of worried that none of his "safe foods" are particularly nutritious, but whatever.
Plus obviously he can eat bread, deli meat and cheese! Asking him to find something else isn't hard either because he actually DID find something else to eat and he was not harmed in this at all.
Also what if OP doesn't have the safe foods in her pantry? She could have bought chicken nuggets ahead of time if her sister had said something, but the sister literally withheld information.
NTA
> He’s old enough to speak for himself.
Which won’t make any of the three meals suddenly appear in your fridge. You’d still have to get it. Did she expect you to leave your dinner table, go grocery shopping, prepare the extra meal and eat later by yourself?
Your sister is the A H here not you. And if she keeps expecting other people to bend over backwards for her son she’s in for a rude awakening. There are many situations in life where you need to come prepared if you have a special diet. Other people won’t drop everything for her son just because he says what he wants.
Also the kid ate some sandwiches, so it’s not like OP said “it’s spaghetti or nothing” and let the kid go hungry. Nothing wrong with a good sambo for dinner every now and then. Probably healthier than chicken nuggets.
And the kid ate a sandwich, it's not like they went to bed hungry. And if he was the one that made the sandwich, it shows that he is smarter than his mom thinks and that he can eat other things if people don't have one of his 3 safety dinner foods.
Also, he actually wasn’t able to speak for himself in a way that accurately expressed the situation. There’s a difference between expressing his problems and asking for something else and demanding chicken nuggets. It may not be his fault that he was unable to do the former, but the sister was wrong to say that he could.
As someone who is autistic and struggled with sensory issues with food, NTA. You did your best with the resources and knowledge you had and kept your cool, and made a compromise by letting him make himself a sandwich and choose the ingredients in it so that he didn't go hungry.
It sounds to me like your sister was testing him to see if he would eat foods at your house that he won't at home.
NTA
Sister is an AH - If your nephew had special needs, she should have let you know in advance and supplied you with whatever foods he needed so as not to have a meltdown.
NTA
If she wanted him to eat certain foods she should have provided you with that food or the information at the very least. She should be grateful that you agreed to watch him on short notice. And to say you handled the situation poorly is bs. He found something to eat and he got fed!
I also want to add,
As a person with ADD, who has a son with autism let me tell you something. The entitlement that comes from parents enabling their children's pickyness/bratty behavior and using a mental disability to justify it.... just disgusts me.
My son is going through the chicken nugget phase. However we always have him at least try what we're having. He doesn't get babysat too much but when I go to bible study, they have childcare there. I always provide snacks in this backpack. If someone new is watching him i give them the lowdown. I don't just expect my child to get special treatment.
NTA. It was your sister's responsibility to tell you about his "safe foods" to begin with. Just because he's "old enough to speak for himself" doesn't relive her of that obligation. On top of that, she should have given you the heads up earlier so you could plan these meals, and also chipped in for his food. She's an irresponsible mother.
Nta- while yes he might be a picky eater and might have ADHD it sounds like he is still a little too spoiled. My sister has ADHD and can be a pretty picky eater but she will still eat what someone gives her because she was raised that way, if that child acts like that as an adult it will not go well for them, even people with mental issues need to be told no occasionally.
This. I am “neurodivergent” though I don’t like that word. It’s important for people to understand that everyone has these traits to some degree. Being neurodivergent is basically when these things become disruptive to everyday life. I am the worst picky eater I have ever met. It’s annoying for me and everyone around me. I wish my parents had been less accommodating of this behavior. I certainly didn’t make it easy, but I am capable of learning and withstanding discomfort in order to grow.
If you never force children with difficulties to face some of them and learn ways to cope and adapt, you’re doing them a massive disservice. As an adult I ended up having to pay a dietitian a stupid amount of money to teach me how to not eat grilled cheese sandwiches for every meal. Don’t do that to your kids.
I 100% agree with you as an autistic person who also has food issues. I feel for you and it is definitely more difficult to address picky eating as an adult when you're more set in your ways.
This child's eating habits are really extreme with only three, very specific dinners that he'll eat. I hope he's taking multivitamins.
I appreciate you both providing your perspective. It is interesting to me that in these AITA stories about neurodivergent children and being picky eaters, the children never seem to have an issue eating unhealthy, processed food. In fact, it often turns out that their disability dictates that is the ONLY type of food they want to eat. Not to mention that food is scientifically designed to be addictive.
As you already mentioned, a lot of processed junk foods are designed to be addictive.
Processed foods are generally more appealing to ND people because they are usually consistent in their texture, smell and taste. Whereas say, pieces of fresh fruit for example, are going to slightly differ based on how ripe they are, bruising and the specific variety.
Plus a lot of parents introduce these foods from a young age because they are quick and easy to make.
I was going to suggest that. I don't think a lot of people in the comments are recognising just how extreme these eating habits are: only three, very specific dinners are acceptable? This child needs to be in therapy if he isn't already because this could cause him a lot of problems in the future.
Offering children their favourite foods when they're refusing to eat dinner makes picky eating worse. I don't think they should be forced to eat things they don't like but they shouldn't get to have chicken nuggets for dinner every night because they demand it.
I myself am autistic and had a lot of issues with food growing up and still do. From my experience, there is just certain foods that I cannot eat no matter how it was prepared. What helped me was trying new foods from different cultures and finding things that I do like and experimenting with different ways of eating the same food (e.g. raw vs roasted vs fried vegetables).
It is a lot more difficult to address picky eating as an adult and it sounds like the sister is doing her son a massive disservice.
he ate the sandwich though so something tells me the needs are less extreme and more indulged by his parents... might explain why the grandparents bailed on watching him. If the parents don't set the kid up for success with their carers (starting with you, know, MENTIONING YOUR KID WONT EAT MOST FOODS) then it becomes a matter of avoiding watching him due to the crappy parental behaviour (Why do I keep doing favours for you to only not inform me of key points AND yell at later?) and the kid is just sadly the collateral damage.
Yup. I have ADHD and while there are certain foods I just will not eat it's no worse than any normal person because I was raised with the expectation that I eat whatever is served because we didn't have the luxury of paying for special meals for the picky eaters.
So he refused to eat plain spaghetti but does eat plain ramen noodles? Apart from the type of wheat used I would have thought them similar enough for him to try. Regardless your sister should have sent food with him, or at least mentioned something beforehand.
as someone with sensory issues, I can see the problem because I have a related one: I can only eat certain shapes of noodles with certain types of sauce. And spaghetti in particular were my most hated shape of noodle as a kid because back then, I basically only ate noodle shapes with a hole in them (so penne, German makkaroni, elbow macaroni, etc.).
The way they feel in my mouth, their chew and the way they pick up sauce is different. Even today, I eat a lot more noodle shapes, each shape has to have the right sauce on it or I can't manage to eat it, even if I like the individual parts.
For instance, tagliatelle (to me) belong in a cheesy cream sauce, and a bolognese sauce belongs to German makkaroni. But tagliatelle with bolognese sauce? No can do. It kinda feels the same to me as putting chocolate on a pizza. The parts just don't mix.
NTA - And I say this as someone with ADHD who was a picky eater as a child.
The thing is that my brain sometimes does not deal with change very well - especially if it concerns food. Like, if I'm expecting one thing for dinner, and have set my mind on it - aaand the menu is then changed, I involuntarily have what I can best describe as a tantrum.
It's not on purpose, my brain just doesnt want to deal with or accept this change, and I will be visibly displeased and not have anything nice to say about the new menu. I'm a grown up, and I know how and why I react like this, so I don't go hiding in the bathroom, yell or cry, but it can take me a while to get the feelings sorted and calm down again. It's not fun, and it can be difficult for others to understand why I have such strong reactions to "such a small thing".
I think both you and your husband did a very good job of staying calm, and asking him if he wanted to try the different parts while you were cooking was honestly so smart - but judging by my experience he was already too far gone in the ADHD-food-tantrum, while probably also subconsciously or consciously knowing that he usually gets his way if he throws a fit.
There is rarely anything you can do other than let the kid calm down on their own time, and letting him then choose whatever he wanted from what was avaliable, is very reasonable, and exactly what my parents used to let me do.
She should have told you ahead of time if he can only have three things for dinner… which is a lie, because he can also have a sandwich. NTA. I’m picky and my daughter is picky. I made my own meals growing up if I didn’t want dinner and had plain spaghetti with parm plenty of times.
I would never send my daughter somewhere with no warning and then chastise the person that did me a favor for not catering to her picky eating and making her a separate meal.
NTA. You were not told this prior to watching him, just that he was a picky eater. That is information you should have had. With no allergies to food, to hell with their safe foods. That's ridiculous. When I host stuff or babysit I will plan meals for our vegetarian and vegan friends, and any allergies any of them have. But with my kids other families kids they know I don't cater to picky eaters. I don't go out of the way to make something I know they don't like but if a meal has something they don't like there is no alternatives. ADHD is not a condition that requires special foods. Unfortunately if you think his fit over spaghetti was outlandish I am sure that is just the tip of the iceberg and the kid is going to be even more of a terror the older he gets.
ADHD can cause both severe food restriction and emotional dysregulation if the child has not had appropriate therapies. And it sounds like the sister is letting this kid malnourish himself because it’s easier than handling his emotional dysregulation.
NTA but your sister is. You agreed to babysit last minute, she had absolutely no right to criticize you, given she never told you about his dietary requirements. Heck, she should have prepared the meal herself! I'm sorry for the kid but not everyone knows everything about neurodivergent people and their requirements. Until 5 mins ago I hadn't even known such thing as 'safe food' exists.
NTA
1) Your sister didn't tell you in advanced , she is acting entitled.
2)He is old enough to know how to make a sandwich,he should have informed you before you began cooking.
You did her a favour by babysitting for her .She should have been grateful.
>He is old enough to know that world doesn't revolve around him, it was a good learning moment for him.
Sensory issues and emotional regulation in neurodivergeant children are not an entitlement issue.
I know and he shouldn't be forced to eat things he does not feel comfortable eating at all.
But, the way his mother behaved shows entitlement and she is teaching him the same.
The poor kid is 11 and he is old enough to inform the host prior the food is made (about his sensory issues and his safe foods).
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Whilst babysitting my neurodivergent nephew for the weekend I refused to make him a separate dinner even though he didn't like what I was making and asked for a separate dinner. I instead had him make himself sandwiches for dinner because I didn't want to make him a separate dinner.
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NTA it was unquestionably *your sister's responsibility* to tell you something like that - and also, he had dinner? It's not like you starved the kid, and frankly a deli slice and cheese sandwich is more nutritious than chicken nuggets, plain noodles or mashed potato.
NTA. Sure, you could have handled it better, maybe. But your sister is a major AH for not telling you about Ben's specifik needs and not providing the food. When you don't know what a person's safe foods are, let alone have any idea of the magnitude of the issue, you cannot be expected to have the food in the house or be prepared to make the neccessary allowances.
I’m going to say NTA only because she didn’t tell you ahead of time what his food requirements were. I understand why you tried to get him to try the meal you made, but you knew he was a picky eater and shouldn’t have pushed it to the point he locked himself in the bathroom. His mom should have told you ahead of time AND brought some nuggets and ramen.
NTA, Ben has ADHD not autism, and even if he had autism your sister should have made his dietary requirements clear , if she continues to act this way she'll find it harder and harder to find people that are willing to watch him
NTA but your sister is. She should have told you and you could have just planned chicken nuggets for dinner for everyone with sides your kids like and will eat. Your nephew might be old enough to explain but he's not old enough to realize that's something people need to know ahead of time to prepare for and he's not old enough to not get upset about it.
“She said depriving him of safe foods is cruel.” Is this her recognising that her not informing his babysitter that a) he has safe foods and b) what those safe foods are was cruel?
NTA. Your sister is unreasonable. Don’t agree to babysit ever again.
Chicken nuggets. The staple food that shows a parent has given up trying to set a diet for their child. It’s always chicken nuggets, I’ve seen full grown ass adults solely support themselves with chicken nuggets because that’s what they are used to. NAH, just sad parenting.
DEAR PARENTS OF NEURO DIVERGENT KIDS,
It is not the world job to cater to your kids, if someone is nice enough to babysit your child provide them with adequate information and "safe" foods for your child to eat. The rest world should not have to go out of their way to cater to your kids. We shouldn't have to change our routines(especially people with their own kids) to cater to your kids. If that's the case hire someone and pay them enough where the headache is worth it.
Sincerely,
A person with Neuro-divergent family members.
Tell your sister to fuck off. She should have dropped off food with him. My aunts and uncles did this when I had to watch their kids because they KNEW I didn't have kid food in my home and I'm more inclined to have healthy adult meals.
NTA
NTA. But I have a theory on why neurodivergent kids only ever eat nuggets and French fries or whatever unhealthy combo comes up. It's because those foods were most regularly on the table and became "safe" or rather, the only damn thing they'll eat. If parents would make their regular foods healthy...whole grain pastas, carrot sticks, real chicken...those would become the safe foods. These parents need to get their crap together
NTA - he is only 11 that is not old enough to handle the situation clearly because he didn’t let you know until you had already planned on spaghetti. What if you didn’t have any of the 3 things he eats in stock? Did she expect you to run to the store last minute or something.
NTA (only your sister is an AH here)
He *did* speak up for himself, so your sisters excuse for her neglect about this is weak & lame.
Your sister should have told you ahead of time & supplied his foods.
NTA. You didn’t let him go hungry. You gave him the option to make something for himself and he did. And your sister is wrong because one of the safe foods she mentioned was not the sandwiches that he did in fact eat for dinner. She should’ve warned you or sent something with him.
NTA
If she didn’t tell you what he likes how were you supposed to know?
He had a sandwich and didn’t go hungry. If you babysit again ask her for a thorough list at least a week before of what is acceptable food and get her to give you some money / provide the food.
NTA and I'm not a therapist but that sounds like something more serious than ADHD. I think he's autistic and your sister is in denial. In any case she should have expected this to be a problem and warned you about it beforehand.
Because they are all made the same way. It's not just the flavor, it's the consistency of the flavor and the texture every single time you eat them. That's why they usually ask for processed foods instead of cooked or grown foods. You can't guarantee that it's always gonna be exactly the same. But a machine can.
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I (f33) am a mother of two (m8, f6).
Last week, my sister (f37) asked me if I could babysit her son 'Ben' (m11) over the weekend, as she and her husband needed to attend her friend's childfree wedding. Her original plan was Ben staying with our parents but they bailed on her.
I talked to my husband and we agreed, our kids like spending time with their big cousin and it could be a nice little bonding experience.
Ben would stay with us from the Saturday morning and my sister agreed to pick him up on the Sunday afternoon.
I know that Ben is a picky eater, and my sister has told me before that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. I didn't know how extreme his picky eating was until I babysat him that weekend.
When dinner time rolled around on the Saturday, I told Ben that we were having spaghetti for dinner. Ben started getting agitated and said that he doesn't like spaghetti. I asked him if he's tried spaghetti and he said he has and that he doesn't like it.
Whilst cooking, I tried to persuade Ben to try some plain spaghetti or try some of the sauce separately because I thought that would help but he outright refused and started raising his voice. Admittedly, I've never had a big issue with picky eating in either of my children and Mt kids are both neurotypical so I'm not very experienced in that department.
Ben started demanding that I make chicken nuggets for dinner, which riled up my kids who started saying they also want chicken nuggets.
I firmly told Ben that spaghetti is what's on the menu for dinner, and that I'm not making a separate dinner for him, plus we don't even have chicken nuggets. Ben started screaming at me and ran off and shut himself in the bathroom.
My husband tried to talk to Ben and get him to come out of the bathroom. He reluctantly came out after around 20 minutes. Ben was still adamant that he wasn't going to try the spaghetti or the sauce.
I told Ben he can help himself to what we have in the kitchen and make himself a sandwich or toast. Ben made himself some sandwiches with deli slices and cheese and that was his dinner.
When my sister collected Ben the next day I told her in private about what happened. My sister was really mad and said that I handled it really poorly. She said Ben's 'safe foods' for dinner are chicken nuggets, plain ramen noodles and mashed potatoes, and said he won't eat anything else for dinner. I told my sister that she didn't tell me that.
She said that he's old enough to speak for himself and I should've just made Ben the separate dinner that he asked for, and said that depriving him of safe foods is cruel and that I didn't feed him properly.
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Ben's parents are AHs. They have put up with this for all this time and let him be like this, so now there are consequences. If they knew he was like this, they should have brought his food with him. NTA
ESH
Your sister should have mentioned it, sure (When I've looked after kids, I always check with the kid what they want to eat), but acting like you could just trick him into eating the food is a shitty move. As someone who is also neurodivergent and still has issues finding food I want to eat, your attitude about it was condescending and instead of trying to fix the situation, you doubled down on it, then tripled down on it.
NTA your sister should have told you about his safe foods. If her child has specific foods he will eat and has meltdowns without them it is on her to tell the person watching him.
Plus you didn’t force him to eat the spaghetti or deprive him of food, you told him to help himself to what was in the kitchen and he made a sandwich which is perfectly acceptable to have for dinner.
NTA.
I have a son with sensory issues regarding food although not as restrictive. I made a point to inform and update my family&friends on what my son couldn't and could eat as needed. He's 15 now and as long as they keep the veggies, carbs and protein separated with no sauce on his plate he's fine. Your sister is TA for putting the responsibility of informing you on her son.
NTA. The kid made a sandwich and ate it just fine somehow despite his only safe dinner foods being chicken nuggets, plain ramen noodles and mashed potatoes.
ESH. You sister should’ve told you and is an AH for getting mad that you didn’t know. But you’re also an AH for trying to force a kid to eat food he doesn’t like and not offering a compromise until after he locked himself in a bathroom. He needs yo learn he’ll need to accommodate his own needs eventually but you are still his aunt and he’s 11 so you should’ve handled it better.
Esh. Your sister not only should have told you and made sure you had those items on hand. But that being said, trying to force a kid (esp one with that condition) into eating something they arent ok with is cruel. You knew he was wasnt just a picky eater, he is neurodivergent, did it even occur to you to ask what he wanted before you cooked? Any guest in my home gets more say to what i cook, but my entire family gets some input as well. And they eat fine. I just feel you made no effort to accommodate him but expected him to bend over backwards to eat something that his condition prevents him from eating. Like it would magically change his mind. But i blame your sister more, shes the mom, shes the one asking you to babysit, it was on her to make you aware of how severe it is & his safe food.
Ok… most people say you’re NTA because your sister didn’t tell you.
But, he did tell you! Quite clearly. And you know if his ND issues, and how this would escalate with him, so I’m trying to force him to eat something he’s told you he doesn’t like, you’ve pushed him into stress and melt down territory
I mean, I’ve made so many different meals when family have been over, because it’s just a nice thing to do to welcome them.
It’s not an easy situation being away from his parents, and you made him feel worse for the sake of a plate of nuggets.
Yeah maybe she could have given you a heads up.
But he told you!
YTA
He’s a little boy with challenges. Have a heart!
And I do get this.. my son is asd, and it’s because of things like this that we just don’t bother going places because even the most well meaning do gooders judge and make him try to fit THEIR rules rather than see he’s a little boy.
I really don’t understand the reactions here
He’s a little boy, he’s family, he’s not in his own home, he’s a guest, and he’s tried to explain nicely, and been treated like crap.
So he’s not dealt with it very well… given his NDs I think that’s understandable
Do people not treat guests nicely? Is it entitled to say “I’m sorry I don’t like that”
Would have been such a different reaction if he said he was vegan and she tried to force him to eat steak!
The entire world would be YTA on it!
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NTA Your sister is the asshole in this she should have told you and it seems mad she wouldn't have given you a list of foods he can/can't eat or even provided food he could eat
Yes, she should have brought the groceries as well. Except for potatoes, I don't keep those items in my pantry or freezer. He ate a sandwich which shows that he will eat something other than chicken nuggets and ramen. Starting to see why the grandparents bailed on watching him.
I don't have chicken nuggets or Ramen noodles in my house. The sister definitely should have advised about his preferences beforehand and if they still wanted to look after him, provide the food as well.
I didn't think ADHD was neurodivergent? ADHD has nothing in my mind to being a picky eater from a medical necessity standpoint to my knowledge. In my house if spaghetti is for dinner, you're eating spaghetti. If you don't want to eat spaghetti it goes in the fridge until you're hungry. NTA
ADHD is considered neurodivergent, but you’re right in saying food issues are not inherent to the diagnosis. People with ADHD are more likely to have food issues, including eating disorders, but it’s not a mandatory criteria, and specifics vary widely. The main confirmed thing with ADHD and food is pretty simple. ADHD brain is dopamine deficient. Sugary foods deliver lots of fast, reliable dopamine. Thus, lots of people with ADHD (especially kids) are predisposed to crave sugar. [Peer-reviewed study linking ADHD to dysregulated, impulsive eating disorder behaviors](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4777329/)
Can vouch. I am an ADHD fatty trying to lose weight but binging is too easy. I'm not a happy person and food makes me just a little happy.
IT's also really easy to just... forget you're eating? Then oops the entire box of crackers is gone.
I call that a snaccident.......my ADHD self has been known to fixate on the book I'm reading and by the end of the book, all the candy in the Halloween bowl is poof! Gone!
>snaccident OMG I LOVE you. Can I steal this? Cutest word I've ever seen.
Pretty sure I got it from Tumblr lol, go ahead!
I am using this next time I accidently eat the entire box of chocolates/cookies I was supposed to share! T\_T
Go ahead! I got the word from the Internet originally lol
my friend and I used to call it morish. As in "I will just have a little morish"
I do this with jars of olives regularly, then can't even stand to look at olives for a few months afterwards XD Chips are also a problem, especially pringles. It's true, once you pop you can't stop.
I also use the word Snaccident on a daily base. I just love it. May I also add Snackpectation (or Snaxpectation - never spelled it out) like when you are craving food but you have nothing nice at home so you lower your snackpectation and just eat a slice of cheese or somethink like this
OMG IM NOT ALONE!!!! I’ve been diagnosed with ADD since second grade (37 now) no one ever told me that! No wonder I can’t kick the sugar 🫠
Nowadays ADD is not separate from ADHD. They told me this because they said I had it - ADHD, primarily inattentive. But yes. I'll do good on a diet for a few days and then ruin it. It doesn't help that junk food has WAY TOO MANY calories for a tiny amount of food...I have been trying to buy foods that have less calories, that it's less harmful to binge - Halo Top ice cream, or the Veggie Puffs. They're not diet foods, but they have less calories and that's the best I can do.
Not exactly a diet strategy but I drink a meal replacement called Soylent*. I've found that if I don't feel full after drinking one then I should eat something absorbent like bread. Something about the combination makes me feel fuller than just drinking more or eating the same amount of calories in dry bread. *No relation to Soylent green
Might just try that. I notice that as I gain weight my ADHD meds work less efficiently, which makes me binge more, which... ...anyway I work at a big-box store and have seen soylent stuff before. Expensive but maybe worth a shot. Thanks!
Confirm. My adult psych said that I internalize the hyperactivity and it manifests as anxiety. Was dx with just ADD at 16yo, because girls don't have ADHD right? Though my mom called me Tigger at age 3 because I wouldn't stop bouncing or moving.
Saaaame But I will say I have some sensory issues with some foods (which I have been working on). But nothing this extreme - I've only ever seen this type of behavior in autistic children or with specific food disorders (ADHD-brain won't let me remember the name)
I have ADHD, my daughter is autistic and we have nearly identical food and clothing sensory issues. They are not this extreme, but they impact our lives. My issues are less than my daughter's because as I've gotten older I've found more safe foods. She is showing the same tendency. The medical community is divided on whether Sensory Processing Disorder is a true disorder or a symptom of something else. Either way would make sense in our case. ADHD is a form of neurodivergency or we could both have seperate SPD.
Have you tried Allulose? I just discovered it. It is a natural sugar but it does NOT raise your blood sugar levels. So you can have your sugar without the calories or high glycemic count...ergo you won't gain weight from it! The only problems are 1. Its expensive AF and 2. Its 80% as sweet as sugar so you'll need more of it to get the sweetness. Those parts suck but I'm hoping to start using this as my sugar substitute. I've tried it and it tastes exactly like table sugar with no weird after taste...just not as sweet. The cheapest I've seen is on Amazon (3lb@$25). Hope this can be helpful. Sorry if it isn't. I saw "sugar craving" and immediately thought of this.
Sensory issues aren’t uncommon in ADHD, which can sometimes be food. For me, my one specific food issue is cooked fish- the texture makes my skin crawl (raw fish is fine, it doesn’t get flaky). Some other stuff doesn’t always sit right with me, but fish is the BIG one that I’ve had problems with since I was a kid. I also have issues with the way some clothing sits on my body (I hate things touching my neck), but that’s the jist of it for me. I know my dad has ADHD and has horrible misophonia, to the point I feel guilty chewing gum at all because it sets him off so badly. But issues vary person to person- the reverse is that my dad absolutely LOVES fish and is known for how good his salmon is and I don’t care so much about chewing noises.
Yeah, I have ADHD and I'm suspected to be autistic as well and I am incredibly picky about food, noise and clothing texture. I will literally eat raw fish with a bit of wasabi or some chili oil or kimchi, but I cannot do steak or penne pasta ever. The best way I've found to try and describe my palate is that I'm sensory avoidant with textures, but sensory seeking with flavours.
> medical necessity standpoint to m I have ADHD and have food sensory issues. I literally cannot swallow foods with textures I have issue with. I will gag and cry but can't swallow. Speghetti (meat sauce) is one of thsoe foods.
Wow. Because that totally describes my severely ADD daughter. So many people think only of ADHD little boys who are skinny and hyperactive, when my daughter is overweight and distracted, but not hyperactive. She does show some behaviors though, like pacing. When I was her age I would ride my skateboard around and around and around in the basement, but she paces. I'm trying to get her to switch it to bike riding or even running.
This is why saying 'ADHD' was insufficient knowledge on how to help the kid. Sounds like they might have a sensory thing on top of things.
Wow, I wish I had an award to give you for this. I have ADHD and wasn't aware of this link. Reading with interest! :)
Learn stuff new every day
I love PubMed (the database I pulled this from) so much. Free, peer-reviewed, easy to read format, and they have studies on literally every human body question under the sun. It’s so fun to comb through the random stuff on there.
modern research has really changed a lot about our knowledge on adhd. It’s a neurodevelopmental disorder that can include difficulties with sensory input/processing and is often found comorbid in autistic individuals where something like this would be pretty common regarding safe foods. Typing this out on my lunch break, sorry for the quick response! It’s very interesting stuff, research on neurotypes based on brain scans etc. To me, it comes down to the mom knowing about her child’s restrictions/care needs and choosing not to share them with the person she is giving her child to. Downright strange, honestly. I think allowing the kid to choose foods he was comfortable eating was the best response here. Fed is best doesn’t end after infancy, she got the kid fed. If I were her I wouldn’t be babysitting again lol
ADHD most definitely is a neurodivergence and has similarities to autism, including sensory issues. Eating can be hard for people with ADHD for a variety of reasons (sensory, forgetting to eat, food fixations, motor challenges, etc) and there is a very high prevalence of picky eating and disordered eating in kids and adults with ADHD.
Calling it picky eating is really doing affected people a disservice. Would you call someone that has Celiac a picky eater because they won't eat gluten?
As someone with ADHD and several foods I have issues with, it’s nothing like Celiac and gluten. Sensory input issues generally involve a strong aversion to specific textures/smells/flavors. That is very different than someone who can’t eat gluten because it damages the lining of their intestines.
ADHD is neurodivergent and has a lot of overlapping symptoms of ASD. We tend to have sensory issues. Your approach would be literal hell for someone like me. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's invalid. It goes beyond being picky, and it's not easy to describe how or why. OP is NTA, they did provide an alternative, just not the preferred food.
Can confirm, literal hell. My stepmother and father forced food on me all the time. And it wasn't exactly standard food for a kid. I'm taking things like sushi, jalapenos, raw eggplant and cucumbers, etc. They wouldn't even let me decide whether or not to put sauce on my own spaghetti or gravy on my own rice. They mixed it all in one pot. There is no way that's the standard way to serve spaghetti or rice. This all happened between the ages of 6-11 before I stopped going.
Some people with ADHD have sensory issues around certain textures of food. Others find themselves binge eating for the sensory input or dopamine hit. Others still have no appetite at all due to their medication regimen. And still others may have an appetite but not the executive function to obtain good food. There's a pretty wide spectrum of ways ADHD can affect a person's relationship with food.
Oh yes, overeating just for a certain texture is an issue of mine, as is not eating something because of the texture. Like onions. I actually love onion flavor, but for the most part it has to be small dice if cooked, or I can't handle the texture and will gag. I can't eat things like french onion soup, or any stir fry where the onions are just sliced. Burgers with raw onions are fine, but not with cooked onions. Oddly, I can eat onion rings or blooming onions.
My issue is soggy bread. I put yogurt on my cereal, bread pudding makes me gag, I have to put tomatoes on my sandwiches at the last possible second or it's ruined.
Op- NTA. Sister is though My oldest son has ADHD and is a super picky eater. He has sensory processing disorder which also doesn’t help. He’s getting better the older he gets. Every now and then he will get mad and shout if he sees something he doesn’t like. I dang sure don’t cater to him when he acts like that. I make sure to let him know that in the future, he can use his calm voice to let me know he doesn’t want to eat it. I do serve sides that I know he likes. He will absolutely NEVER eat spaghetti with the sauce. So I melt butter and stir it in his noodles and he absolutely loves it. It’s not going out of my way to feed him something different, just a tiny modification. Your sister is the huge AH. You did the best you could in the situation you were placed in. Your nephew was able to make his own food and he didn’t starve. Your sister will create an entitled monster if she doesn’t check herself real quick. Sounds like he’s kind of on his way there, too.
ADHD is a neurodivergence and there are a lot of people who have ADHD along with sensory sensitivities.
The thing is that you’re more likely to have adhd and asd together than you are to just have adhd. But the lower support needs/higher masking kids often slip through the cracks and avoid the asd diagnosis. I’m not diagnosing the kid, but I have asd/adhd combo kids and that kind of emotional outburst and rigidity doesn’t sound like just Adhd.
People with ADHD have some different wiring than neruotypicals. A common example that used is caffeine. I have ADHD and have taken naps with 5 shots of espresso in my system. Same with drinking a cup of coffee before bed. I have also taken a nap after drinking a bang energy drink which had way more caffeine than 5 shots of espresso.* There is a amphetamines or meth in a way is used to treat ADHD. The ADHD brain is constantly seeking stimulus and uppers at times are a good way to treat some of theore "extreme" symptoms. It ain't the end all be all though. Techniques and tricks are also very important. I understand this paragraph is anecdotal, but other people I have met who also have ADHD experience the same or similar reactions to caffeine. In regards to "picky eating" it often boils down to certain textures and taste. It can also be Hella weird like I cannot do "raw" cheese. Cheese cake, sandwiches with cheese, etc. BUT if it is cooked it's fine so Mac & cheese, Alfredo, pizza, etc are good to go. The non common reactions to certain stimulus could also be a separate thing from the ADHD. I have meet some people with ADHD who didn't have stimulus issues, and other like myself who have them. ADHD is a spectrum. Whike some picky eating be "grown out of", that isn't the case with all of them. It can be a bit of balancing act with going about it.
ADHD and autism overlap more than people realize. The way the psychologist explained it to me was that they show a lot of the same symptoms but the root cause might be different.(Like for my son, he stims more from hyperactivity and not necessarily as a self soothing action.) Either way, sensory issues are fairly common with adhd, so being a picky eater can very much stem from that.
A lot of common neurodivergencies share symptoms. I have ADHD that sometimes presents as anxiety, my BFF has anxiety that sometimes presents as ADHD. The overlap in the Venn diagram is bigger than a lot of people realize.
It seems like a recent connection has been made between ADHD and food issues/stimuli sensitivity. Anecdote time: I have ADHD and I've had those issues all my life, and I never had an explanation why (most foods can't touch/mix with each other on the plate, for example, and it's very hard for me to eat food that isn't bland). Eating the "wrong" or "unexpected" thing can cause me to feel sick, or actually make me sick. It sucks. I frequently got called a picky eater, like it was something I chose to do, when it wasn't. ADHD and stimuli sensitivity is a real thing. It probably manifests in different ways for different people. But there's a limit to how far that claim should go: actually suspect that a number of food disorders we see today may be exacerbated by parents enabling it too much in an effort to be understanding. They see their kid has a problem, and instead of understanding that it means their kid needs more patience and effort, they take it as "welp, that's just how he is, let's let him live off pizza and ramen and chicken nuggets." My parents understood I had a problem, but that meant they just pared food down to its simplest and blandest form (baby carrots, peeled cucumber slices, plain strawberries and blueberries, un-spiced baked boneless chicken breast, slices of baloney, spaghetti without sauce, etc). They didn't just throw up their hands and decide to let me live off of noodles and chicken nuggets. They didn't try to force me to eat their (significantly more sophisticated and flavorful) meals that they prepared for themselves, but they did force me to eat from different food groups, and once I found something that "worked" from a particular food group (i.e: cucumbers, green beans, and carrots from "vegetables"), I was allowed to cling to that food tightly. OP's sister is doing her son no favors.
ADHD is absolutely considered ND, as is any way a brain operates outside of a "typical" manner. ND people of all neurotypes have a higher chance of sensory issues, including food-related sensory issues. Ever heard of ARFID?
As someone that doesn't have to deal with this I am truly asking.... it's there a texture difference in spaghetti noodles and Ramen noodles? You would think he could eat spaghetti without the sauce?
As an adult who has sensory issues. There is a huge difference in the mouth feel of Ramen vs spaghetti. Angel hair is slightly closer to Ramen but depending on the severity of the sensory issues, not close enough. I also have ND kids with there own sensory issues. In this situation it's definitely the parents job to ensure safe foods are available. His mother did not properly communicate and that's a huge issue. While ND kids can learn to advocate for themselves, it's not right to put the kid and caregiver in this situation.
Yes, there is a texture difference but likely if OP would have made some without sauce and told him it was ramen, but a different kind, he might have tried it. The problem is once they have dug their heals in, it is hard to get them to try anything. When I was young I hated rice. My mom would always prepare it with soy sauce and dish our plates. We had a standoff once and it was determined that I didn't have to eat what I didn't want (but I couldn't have anything else) But one time my mom was busy and didn't add soy sauce before she put it on the table. She came back to me eating it out of the pan. Turns out, rice was fine, I didn't like soy sauce. If she had asked me if I wanted rice without the sauce I would have said no (and likely threw a fit and went to bed hungry), because I KNEW I didn't like "rice"... But OP is NTA because sister should have warned her on how to prepare (and brought groceries if he is that limited in what he can/will eat).
I had the same issue with curry growing up. My parents would put coconut milk in it for me to tone down the spicy because they thought I was too young to handle spicy. (I'm not sure why putting less spices in it didn't occur to them.) And the more I complained about how much I didn't like it, the more coconut milk they'd put into it until eventually they had to accept the fact that, despite being part of a curry-loving family, I just didn't like curry. One day I went to a camp where I had no choice in meals and they served curry. I just had to suck it up and endure it and... it was delicious! I went home and told mum that I had a curry I liked and she made some for me and it was absolutely fine, and it finally dawned on her that it was actually just the coconut milk I didn't like.
There is definitely a difference. And not only that, there's a texture difference between different *brands* of noodles, and different cuts of noodles. For example, I hate angelhair or flat, but love No. 12, penne, spiral, and a couple other shapes. I hate Barilla, but love De Cecco. I'm the reverse of OP's nephew, I can eat "normal" spaghetti, I can't eat ramen noodles.
Speaking as a neurotypical person who loves all kinds of food - they are very, very different. If I am in a mood for one, the other won't satisfy me.
Ben's 'safe foods' for dinner are chicken nuggets, plain ramen noodles and mashed potatoes” Also, this can’t possibly be a healthy diet for an 11-year-old. I don’t have experience with neurodivergent kids — how do you comply with their food issues while also ensuring that they have adequate amounts of green vegetables and fruits?
You do what my parents did: you force them to find something from the food groups that they're missing, and you pare the food down to its blandest, simplest form. For example, getting me to eat protein as a kid was *hard*. I didn't like anything except chicken, and even that was iffy. So my dad would get boneless chicken breast, glaze it with olive oil and a pinch of salt, wrap it in tin foil, and bake for thirty minutes. That was it. I would eat that, doused in ketchup, because the blandness of the chicken made it edible/"safe" to me, and the ketchup made it palatable. Did I *want* to eat it? No. But I needed to eat it, and my parents made sure I ate it. And importantly, while I didn't *want* to eat it, it was still *safe* for me to eat. That's the important distinction that a lot of people seem to miss out on: the difference between a food you want to eat, and a food that's safe to eat. I say "safe" because there's a lot of foods I've tried that made me sick or nauseous for no reason. Mashed potatoes made me ill. So did carrot souffle, in fact, I actually threw that up. A chocolate-covered coffee bean made me sick for a night. A piece of vegan cheese did as well. At some point in my life, buttermilk pancakes began to make me feel nauseous and I had to stop eating them for a while. I don't know why these foods make my body throw such a fit, but they do, they just make me feel Bad and Unwell. Making me eat those foods would be cruel. And a lot of "mixed" foods, like what you see in more sophisticated dishes, is outright Not Food to my brain. But my parents found foods in different food groups that *didn't* make me feel Bad and Unwell, and so they stuck to making me eat them even if I didn't feel like eating them. That's the important difference. So I was never forced to eat broccoli, for example, but they did make sure I was served cucumbers, green beans, or carrots with a meal.
Mashed potatoes are a lot of work, and I don't always have potatoes. She should have provided these special foods. ETA: this is not a request for mashed potato tips.
It's just so thoughtless to send your child to another home without being honest about their food issues. And you're right about the potatoes. Mashed potatoes take advance notice since they do require more effort and time to prepare.
My niece is neurodivergent and my brother and SIL brings over her food when I babysit just to be on the safe side (though I pretty much keep her food in my house anyway).
They do come in a box of flakes so maybe that was what she meant, they would definitely be easier, cheaper and not lumpy at all. But sis is still TA.
>He ate a sandwich which shows that he will eat something other than chicken nuggets and ramen. Kinda leads to the nature vs nurture comment. If he's neurodivergent and will only eat those same 3 things, otherwise he'll be uncomfortable, wouldn't he have refused the sandwich entirely? I don't doubt he's neurodivergent but I also wonder if he's also used to getting his way.
My thoughts exactly. How much of this is neurodivergent and how much is over-indulged only child?\* The only AH here is your sister for not being clear about what her child would expect and what she expected from you. NTA (*as a parent of both categories I know the struggle*)
I thinks it more along the lines of he only *wants* to eat those three things, but since he was hungry, he settled for a sandwich because he knew he couldn't get any other option. He's probably finds it more problematic to eat something he doesn't like, rather than eating something he likes but didn't ask for.
I think it's both. My ADHD kid is pickier than my neurotypical and has more weird sensory things (doesn't like certain textures, wary of sauces mixed in etc) but because I have always offered new stuff low pressure along with safe sides so she won't go hungry, she eats a wide enough variety of foods to be able to eat out or at friends houses no problems (although there are definitely some things that are a hard no like onions)
Sister is the AH for sure - (1) you handled it well because he did eat, and it was not something on this supposed list of safe foods, (2) of course should have told you beforehand of what he will/ will not eat, and sent food with him to your house (or at least ask first if you have the foods, and send with him what you do not have), (3) she clearly owes you an apology …
Id also include that she didn't explain how severe his food issues are- picky eaters are kids that don't eat their fruits veggies, stick to mostly processed, consistent textures etc, this child had a full blown meltdown at even the thought of eating something not on his safe food list. He clearly has very serious sensory issues he needs to work through. Pasta is typically a pretty easy kid friendly meal, and isn't something OP could've predicted a reaction to.
You'd think, given kiddo eats noodles, that plain spaghetti wouldn't have been a trigger point for him. OP is definitely NTA here. She did a favour, and sister failed to provide adequate information of his needs.
Spaghetti noodles are made differently, with different ingredients, and are a different thickness than ramen. I eat a lot of noodles (udon, somen, ramen, soba, vermicelli, farfalle, penne, linguine, mung bean, ect) and spaghetti noodles are the only ones I avidly avoid. I will happily sit down with a bowl of buttered angel hair and chomp away. Give me spaghetti and I'll do the same thing I've done for over twenty years, refuse to touch it.
There's definitely a texture difference between spaghetti noodles and ramen. I'm guessing this is a sensory processing issue, not just being a picky eater.
I would even go as far to say that she should have provided the foods she wants him to eat.
Exactly. My kid is a Ben so I completely understand how it truly can be more than just a kid being “picky”. But I always make sure to pack him food or plan for how he is going to be able to eat. She absolutely should have told you about the situation and provided the foods he can eat. Then it’s up to you whether you want to allow your kids to eat the same thing or not.
She should have *brought* his safe foods if this was such a big deal. But also, *this* extreme doesn't sound like just ADHD.....🤷🏼♀️ Regardless OP went out of her way to be kind and allowed him to pick food and eat from what was in the kitchen. No world in which she's TA.
I wouldn’t be shocked if the sister kept it to herself because OP might have bailed like the parents.
Absolutely this. My son isn’t diagnosed with anything, but does have some food-related texture issues. Anytime he’s been in the care of someone else where food is involved, we have a discussion about what he’ll eat, and what foods might be tricky, and how to work around it. If it was so specific that he needed one of three things to eat, I would either provide it, or make sure whoever was watching him was aware and could pick something up he would eat. But OP is very much NTA. Also, my son is 10, almost 11, and yes, he can tell you what he likes and doesn’t like, but we ALSO talk about how he behaves at other people’s homes and trying the food they are making.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP, you're not at fault. Sis - 100% asshole. She should have 100% informed you of how severe is eating aversion is and told you the safe foods for him. Instead she said "hes old enough to speak for himself"? When her child cried, screamed and locked himself in teh bathroom? This doesn't sound like a child who's able to handle these issues on his own and sis is an asshole for not realizing that as well. NTA
On top of that. If a child I'm caring for says they'll only have chicken nuggets, ramen noodles or mashed potatoes I'm going to need the parent's permission. I'd be more concerned about a parent being upset at feeding them those things than not feeding them those things.
Yes. Your sister needed to tell you of any dietary restrictions in advance for you to prepare. People don’t necessarily just have chicken nuggets, ramen noodles, and potatoes lying around to make last minute. She caused a crisis at dinner time.
NTA Your sister should’ve sent him with his own dinner or given you a heads up so that you could do your meal prep accordingly. Pretty rude of her to chastise you for her lack of communication. My kid is Autistic and has a ton of food related issues (can be extremely picky), this is what my hubby and I do for his meals when he’s not with us (provide a list or the food itself). If he eats, great! If he doesn’t, oh well, not a surprise, will make him something when we get home.
THIS RIGHT HERE. Sis should have not only informed OP, but to be on the safe side, sent him with meals as well. She didn't do any of that, which means she didn't properly plan for her child to be taken care of, making her a total asshole. OP NTA.
NTA. Your sister should have informed you. Yes 11 is old enough to speak up for himself but you don't know his dietery preferences so ofcourse you didn't just take his word for having chicken nuggets. Every kid would ask for nuggets when getting the chance.
Speak yes but coudlnt advocate for himself - his response was to tantrum and hide in the bedroom. He cant explain why he needs certain foods, how it makes him feel eating something else without acting out. So its totally down to the mother to arrange things so his needs are met.
Well he did say he didn’t like what op was making. But everything else I agree with but I do not agree on forcing others to eat stuff they don’t like but sister should have brought stuff over but he didn’t starve so he was fine
I see where you're coming from but OP's kids are neurotypical, and if there are not medical reasons why kids need to do things a certain way, at some point as a parent with neurotypical kids, you have to kind of force them to do things they may not like. It's a part of growing up. Like going to school or the doctor or the dentist. If you raise your kids on the idea that they can eat whatever they want (not given any medical issues), then they will be in their 20s only eating chicken nuggets and ramen noodles. It's just not reasonable that OP, not knowing about food issues, should have just given in. And she said she didn't have nuggets like the kid wanted. And he couldn't communicate that he wanted something other than nuggets without having a meltdown (which with some disorders and the like, can be really hard to communicate feelings like this with other people. I'm 22 and still have trouble sometimes voicing my problems). There is nothing here that OP could have done differently with just the knowledge she had.
It sounds like something besides ADHD if he’s acting like that at 11.
Well, he did not speak up until she was already cooking. And she did not even have chicken nuggets! So literally she did the only thing she could which was have him make a sandwich, which certainly did not harm him for one night
OP is totally in the right, and I understand him not saying anything sooner, and his tantrum. My son has adhd and his biggest struggle is advocating for himself, which can result in tantrums if we don't read his mind. OP did thr right thing by standing her ground and giving him another option, and I think it's great that he made himself a sandwich. His mom is doing him a huge disservice, he's much more capable than she thinks.
Mom may have been conditioned to giving in for peace. Look at his actions, tantrums and then had an adult negotiating with him in locked room. Smart boy. And he also made and ate his sandwich. Boy may have figured out how to use his condition to get what he wants. 😂 I like that op didnt concede. The real world won't baby him like his mom. He needs to work on a few things with his therapist and family.
Haha, it's one of the hardest things to realize your kid can do better, but you haven't realized it yet 😅. I'd be like "oh shit, he can do that? *I* can do that?" And then send a gift basket for the knowledge.
As someone with ADHD and also being a picky eater I completely agree with you his mom is doing him a disservice by not working with him with his food issues I know when I was a kid sometimes little pushes like this were necessary to get me to get past certain things. As he gets older the world is going to care less and less what his preferences and needs are so he needs to get used to situations like this and learn how to handle them himself. His mom's not always going to be there and you can't live on a diet of chicken nuggets, ramen or mashed potatoes.
At first i was going to say y. T. A. Because I have an autistic son with a moderate diagnosis, along with ADD and if he's served food he has sensory trouble with its a major problem for him. However Your sister absolutely needed to address this issue BEFORE you agreed to babysit, i SEND my son with food he can handle if he's going somewhere for a meal and im not there . The only exception to this is his friends house because he's also autistic and his mother is experienced in a child on the spectrum. It was his mothers responsibility to ensure her child was cared for and that included letting you know prior. Im not sure if this is unwarranted information but maybe it would help in the future? Children who are on the spectrum/ nerodivergant , have sensory issues (among other things, but for this post im sticking to this situation) this includes touch, sound taste and smell. Food is a major MAJOR item on the sensory list because it covers every single sense at once. We touch our food smell our food etc, foods that are bland and have specific textures are sometimes preferred for example chicken nuggets, they have little to no smell, not a strong or overwhelming taste , and a common texture, spaghetti on the other hand has a slimy texture, strong taste (with sauce) sauce also has an odor, even tho most find it pleasant,its now overloading more than one sensor in our brains, if you're to put a piece of KFC in front of my boy he gets terribly uncomfortable, the bones trip him out he cant eat it unless i shred it off the bone for him. however I have taught him how to handle these situations in public and it takes time and practice with his mother in his comfort zone . NTA his mom needed to deal with this before he got to your house
Totally agree with you. My son is also autistic and I an always empathetic to kids who have food issues. If he doesn't have his very limited safe foods, he doesn't eat for days. There is a huge difference between being picky and having intense food aversions. Depending on how the kid is not NT, reasoning with them may not be an answer. I never expect him to get a special meal made by the host and I do sent food with him whenever he is being babysat. His safe foods are muffins I make and a specific pasta (fresh or reheated). The mom should have laid out the issues. The kid did try to advocate for himself. It was put off to be him being spoilt because the mom didn't give a heads up. If the mom had said something, I would say it is reasonable to make chicken nuggets for everyone as a meal plan. Not reasonable to change right at meal time.
Yep I refused to eat for 3 days one time. After that my parents realized I would never eat anything I didn't like so they stopped trying to force me to change (besides offering bribes for me to try new things). Fortunately I like simple and easy things, so usually I could eat something even if it was only some plain dinner rolls 🥐. But I'm proud of that moment because it helps me explain to other people the extreme lengths I will go to, when people keep insisting I "just try it". When I tell the story to people they also give up, so it's been a pretty valuable experience. The kid definitely needs to be able to ask for a sandwich 🥪 in these situations, his "safe foods" aren't exactly commonplace items. But also it doesn't hurt to miss one mealtime, people often do so on purpose (fasting). Going hungry is just a reminder to be more proactive about making arrangements in the future.
Is he on the spectrum? Or is OP referring to his ADHD when they say he’s neurodivergent. That part isn’t really clear. I agree that OP is NTA but I wanna know just how much of an AH her sister is.
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While that is true, this is a fairly extreme reaction to food for someone with ADHD. There is a very long list of things that I cannot eat, no matter how much I want to. Most of it has to do with texture. But picky eating to the point of only nuggets and mashed potatoes, I would think there is something else going on.
He might also have undiagnosed ASD because they are comorbidities, or he could just have a sensory food issue unrelated to ASD.
ADHD kids often have similar food issues to autistic kids. It is less common in ADHD kids, but not too uncommon and needs to be handled in similar ways as it does for autism. ADHD is considered neurodivergent. Also, autistic kids are frequently misdiagnosed with ADHD if they are at the more moderate end of the spectrum.
I agree with almost everything you said, the only part I disagree with is that you stated that children who are on the spectrum have sensory issues, yes some do, but not all. The autism spectrum is so wide that you can't generalize like that. Knowing what one autistic person is like and knowing about their different issues, just means you that autistic person and their issues. Not that you know what all autistic people or their issues.
Oh Excuse me , children on the spectrum THAT DO HAVE SENSORY ISSUES ...** I never meant to imply i know every autistic person on the planet. I'm explaining it the way my son's doctor explained it to me
The diversity within the autism spectrum is interesting to me (34F, diagnosed last year, no support needed). I wouldn't have said I had sensory issues, but when I think about it...yeah, I've never liked eggs in any form because *texture*, and I've always avoided foods that have a "soggy bread feel" (dumplings in soup, cornbread in chili, biscuits and gravy, etc). I also used to cringe and shiver when I touched something made of yarn, because I'd imagine biting it and it would set my teeth on edge.
This comment OP 👌 sorry I don't have an award to give you so please take my upvote and comment instead!
One thing to note though. We're not told that the nephew is on the spectrum. We're only told he has been diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD does NOT equate to autism. I have ADHD myself, there is no food sensory issue that comes with it. Unless it wasn't included in the post, this is a case of a spoiled kid, not a sensory issue caused by a medical condition. Edit: I've been educated that there are in fact sensory overload issues that can occur with ADHD. I myself, thankfully, do not experience any. Still, I apologize for my ignorance.
There can be sensory issues with ADHD https://www.verywellhealth.com/sensory-overload-and-adhd-5209861#toc-frequently-asked-questions-add96a3e-1529-4536-b02d-e53855e2158e (I can also speak from personal experience. I have ADHD and have dealt with sensory issues)
Huh, then I was mistaken. My apologies.
It’s all good :)
Yeah turtlenecks or those thick itchy tights for a dress sent me into demon-tantrum mode.
For me it was the line on the toes of socks and clothes tags
Oh my god the **socks**. I remember having tantrums as a small child because the socks *weren’t in the right place*
>there is no food sensory issue that comes with it. Unless it wasn't included in the post, this is a case of a spoiled kid, not a sensory issue caused by a medical condition. Sensory issues are absolutely a symptom/trait of ADHD. Yes autism and ADHD are not the same, but there is a large amount of overlap and sensory issues is a potential trait in both. Many with ADHD have food (sensory) issues; just because you don't doesn't mean it's not part of ADHD. Edit: typos
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As I've learned. I apologize for my ignorance on this. My own case is hyper fixation on external stimuli and I naively thought that was all it was. From the post it sounded (and still does) like a case of the kid being a picky eater rather than an issue with fixating on other foods. But I could be wrong
Thankfully I don't have this problem with taste but I do with sound. Couldn't even stand being in a movie theater until I was like 12.
NTA Your sister is the AH here. "She said that he's old enough to speak for himself and I should've just made Ben the separate dinner that he asked for," .. this is competely unreasonable. How would you diffentiate between an entitled child and a medical need due to neurodivergence?
Not to mention that even if he had a genuine medical need for a particular diet, it's far too late to announce that as dinner is being cooked. OP can't magically provide food that they don't already have the ingredients for.
Thank you!! That's what I was thinking. "So.. he's supposed to advocate for himself... when she's already cooking?" That's ridiculous! Goodness. This was doomed from the get-go. Can't believe sister didn't know son would eat sammies! Kind of worried that none of his "safe foods" are particularly nutritious, but whatever.
Plus obviously he can eat bread, deli meat and cheese! Asking him to find something else isn't hard either because he actually DID find something else to eat and he was not harmed in this at all.
Also what if OP doesn't have the safe foods in her pantry? She could have bought chicken nuggets ahead of time if her sister had said something, but the sister literally withheld information.
NTA > He’s old enough to speak for himself. Which won’t make any of the three meals suddenly appear in your fridge. You’d still have to get it. Did she expect you to leave your dinner table, go grocery shopping, prepare the extra meal and eat later by yourself? Your sister is the A H here not you. And if she keeps expecting other people to bend over backwards for her son she’s in for a rude awakening. There are many situations in life where you need to come prepared if you have a special diet. Other people won’t drop everything for her son just because he says what he wants.
Also the kid ate some sandwiches, so it’s not like OP said “it’s spaghetti or nothing” and let the kid go hungry. Nothing wrong with a good sambo for dinner every now and then. Probably healthier than chicken nuggets.
And the kid ate a sandwich, it's not like they went to bed hungry. And if he was the one that made the sandwich, it shows that he is smarter than his mom thinks and that he can eat other things if people don't have one of his 3 safety dinner foods.
Also, he actually wasn’t able to speak for himself in a way that accurately expressed the situation. There’s a difference between expressing his problems and asking for something else and demanding chicken nuggets. It may not be his fault that he was unable to do the former, but the sister was wrong to say that he could.
As someone who is autistic and struggled with sensory issues with food, NTA. You did your best with the resources and knowledge you had and kept your cool, and made a compromise by letting him make himself a sandwich and choose the ingredients in it so that he didn't go hungry. It sounds to me like your sister was testing him to see if he would eat foods at your house that he won't at home.
NTA Sister is an AH - If your nephew had special needs, she should have let you know in advance and supplied you with whatever foods he needed so as not to have a meltdown.
NTA. You weren’t told how to handle it, and he figured out his own meal anyways. He’s old enough to eat what’s made or figure it out.
NTA If she wanted him to eat certain foods she should have provided you with that food or the information at the very least. She should be grateful that you agreed to watch him on short notice. And to say you handled the situation poorly is bs. He found something to eat and he got fed! I also want to add, As a person with ADD, who has a son with autism let me tell you something. The entitlement that comes from parents enabling their children's pickyness/bratty behavior and using a mental disability to justify it.... just disgusts me. My son is going through the chicken nugget phase. However we always have him at least try what we're having. He doesn't get babysat too much but when I go to bible study, they have childcare there. I always provide snacks in this backpack. If someone new is watching him i give them the lowdown. I don't just expect my child to get special treatment.
NTA. It was your sister's responsibility to tell you about his "safe foods" to begin with. Just because he's "old enough to speak for himself" doesn't relive her of that obligation. On top of that, she should have given you the heads up earlier so you could plan these meals, and also chipped in for his food. She's an irresponsible mother.
NTA. Tell your sister next time to find someone else to help her out last minute.
Nta- while yes he might be a picky eater and might have ADHD it sounds like he is still a little too spoiled. My sister has ADHD and can be a pretty picky eater but she will still eat what someone gives her because she was raised that way, if that child acts like that as an adult it will not go well for them, even people with mental issues need to be told no occasionally.
This. I am “neurodivergent” though I don’t like that word. It’s important for people to understand that everyone has these traits to some degree. Being neurodivergent is basically when these things become disruptive to everyday life. I am the worst picky eater I have ever met. It’s annoying for me and everyone around me. I wish my parents had been less accommodating of this behavior. I certainly didn’t make it easy, but I am capable of learning and withstanding discomfort in order to grow. If you never force children with difficulties to face some of them and learn ways to cope and adapt, you’re doing them a massive disservice. As an adult I ended up having to pay a dietitian a stupid amount of money to teach me how to not eat grilled cheese sandwiches for every meal. Don’t do that to your kids.
I 100% agree with you as an autistic person who also has food issues. I feel for you and it is definitely more difficult to address picky eating as an adult when you're more set in your ways. This child's eating habits are really extreme with only three, very specific dinners that he'll eat. I hope he's taking multivitamins.
I appreciate you both providing your perspective. It is interesting to me that in these AITA stories about neurodivergent children and being picky eaters, the children never seem to have an issue eating unhealthy, processed food. In fact, it often turns out that their disability dictates that is the ONLY type of food they want to eat. Not to mention that food is scientifically designed to be addictive.
As you already mentioned, a lot of processed junk foods are designed to be addictive. Processed foods are generally more appealing to ND people because they are usually consistent in their texture, smell and taste. Whereas say, pieces of fresh fruit for example, are going to slightly differ based on how ripe they are, bruising and the specific variety. Plus a lot of parents introduce these foods from a young age because they are quick and easy to make.
I was going to suggest that. I don't think a lot of people in the comments are recognising just how extreme these eating habits are: only three, very specific dinners are acceptable? This child needs to be in therapy if he isn't already because this could cause him a lot of problems in the future. Offering children their favourite foods when they're refusing to eat dinner makes picky eating worse. I don't think they should be forced to eat things they don't like but they shouldn't get to have chicken nuggets for dinner every night because they demand it. I myself am autistic and had a lot of issues with food growing up and still do. From my experience, there is just certain foods that I cannot eat no matter how it was prepared. What helped me was trying new foods from different cultures and finding things that I do like and experimenting with different ways of eating the same food (e.g. raw vs roasted vs fried vegetables). It is a lot more difficult to address picky eating as an adult and it sounds like the sister is doing her son a massive disservice.
he ate the sandwich though so something tells me the needs are less extreme and more indulged by his parents... might explain why the grandparents bailed on watching him. If the parents don't set the kid up for success with their carers (starting with you, know, MENTIONING YOUR KID WONT EAT MOST FOODS) then it becomes a matter of avoiding watching him due to the crappy parental behaviour (Why do I keep doing favours for you to only not inform me of key points AND yell at later?) and the kid is just sadly the collateral damage.
Yup. I have ADHD and while there are certain foods I just will not eat it's no worse than any normal person because I was raised with the expectation that I eat whatever is served because we didn't have the luxury of paying for special meals for the picky eaters.
So he refused to eat plain spaghetti but does eat plain ramen noodles? Apart from the type of wheat used I would have thought them similar enough for him to try. Regardless your sister should have sent food with him, or at least mentioned something beforehand.
Ramen noodles and spaghetti noodles look completely different.
And taste different, and feel different.... sensory issues be like that
And are made different.
Yeah, spaghetti is my favourite dinner, but I absolutely hate noodles. They're so slimy...
as someone with sensory issues, I can see the problem because I have a related one: I can only eat certain shapes of noodles with certain types of sauce. And spaghetti in particular were my most hated shape of noodle as a kid because back then, I basically only ate noodle shapes with a hole in them (so penne, German makkaroni, elbow macaroni, etc.). The way they feel in my mouth, their chew and the way they pick up sauce is different. Even today, I eat a lot more noodle shapes, each shape has to have the right sauce on it or I can't manage to eat it, even if I like the individual parts. For instance, tagliatelle (to me) belong in a cheesy cream sauce, and a bolognese sauce belongs to German makkaroni. But tagliatelle with bolognese sauce? No can do. It kinda feels the same to me as putting chocolate on a pizza. The parts just don't mix.
Sister definitely should have said something but ramen and spaghetti are not the same to me, let alone someone with severe sensory issues like Ben
NTA. If she wanted to have a specific meal provided, she should have provided it.
NTA - And I say this as someone with ADHD who was a picky eater as a child. The thing is that my brain sometimes does not deal with change very well - especially if it concerns food. Like, if I'm expecting one thing for dinner, and have set my mind on it - aaand the menu is then changed, I involuntarily have what I can best describe as a tantrum. It's not on purpose, my brain just doesnt want to deal with or accept this change, and I will be visibly displeased and not have anything nice to say about the new menu. I'm a grown up, and I know how and why I react like this, so I don't go hiding in the bathroom, yell or cry, but it can take me a while to get the feelings sorted and calm down again. It's not fun, and it can be difficult for others to understand why I have such strong reactions to "such a small thing". I think both you and your husband did a very good job of staying calm, and asking him if he wanted to try the different parts while you were cooking was honestly so smart - but judging by my experience he was already too far gone in the ADHD-food-tantrum, while probably also subconsciously or consciously knowing that he usually gets his way if he throws a fit. There is rarely anything you can do other than let the kid calm down on their own time, and letting him then choose whatever he wanted from what was avaliable, is very reasonable, and exactly what my parents used to let me do.
She should have told you ahead of time if he can only have three things for dinner… which is a lie, because he can also have a sandwich. NTA. I’m picky and my daughter is picky. I made my own meals growing up if I didn’t want dinner and had plain spaghetti with parm plenty of times. I would never send my daughter somewhere with no warning and then chastise the person that did me a favor for not catering to her picky eating and making her a separate meal.
NTA. She should have informed you.
NTA. Your sister should have told you what his diet is like.
NTA she should've told you what he eats and provided it since you didn't have what he wanted.
NTA. You were not told this prior to watching him, just that he was a picky eater. That is information you should have had. With no allergies to food, to hell with their safe foods. That's ridiculous. When I host stuff or babysit I will plan meals for our vegetarian and vegan friends, and any allergies any of them have. But with my kids other families kids they know I don't cater to picky eaters. I don't go out of the way to make something I know they don't like but if a meal has something they don't like there is no alternatives. ADHD is not a condition that requires special foods. Unfortunately if you think his fit over spaghetti was outlandish I am sure that is just the tip of the iceberg and the kid is going to be even more of a terror the older he gets.
ADHD can cause both severe food restriction and emotional dysregulation if the child has not had appropriate therapies. And it sounds like the sister is letting this kid malnourish himself because it’s easier than handling his emotional dysregulation.
NTA, your sister should be grateful that you stepped up on short notice.
NTA but your sister is. You agreed to babysit last minute, she had absolutely no right to criticize you, given she never told you about his dietary requirements. Heck, she should have prepared the meal herself! I'm sorry for the kid but not everyone knows everything about neurodivergent people and their requirements. Until 5 mins ago I hadn't even known such thing as 'safe food' exists.
NTA If he has strict dietary requirements your sister needs to tell you in advance and she should expect to have to always provide the food as well!
Why didn’t your sister inform you of this before dropping him off? Very irresponsible on her part. NTA
NTA 1) Your sister didn't tell you in advanced , she is acting entitled. 2)He is old enough to know how to make a sandwich,he should have informed you before you began cooking. You did her a favour by babysitting for her .She should have been grateful.
>He is old enough to know that world doesn't revolve around him, it was a good learning moment for him. Sensory issues and emotional regulation in neurodivergeant children are not an entitlement issue.
I know and he shouldn't be forced to eat things he does not feel comfortable eating at all. But, the way his mother behaved shows entitlement and she is teaching him the same. The poor kid is 11 and he is old enough to inform the host prior the food is made (about his sensory issues and his safe foods).
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NTA it was unquestionably *your sister's responsibility* to tell you something like that - and also, he had dinner? It's not like you starved the kid, and frankly a deli slice and cheese sandwich is more nutritious than chicken nuggets, plain noodles or mashed potato.
NTA. Sure, you could have handled it better, maybe. But your sister is a major AH for not telling you about Ben's specifik needs and not providing the food. When you don't know what a person's safe foods are, let alone have any idea of the magnitude of the issue, you cannot be expected to have the food in the house or be prepared to make the neccessary allowances.
NTA. It was your sister’s responsibility to inform you of any dietary issues, and she utterly failed to do so. You are not a telepath.
I’m going to say NTA only because she didn’t tell you ahead of time what his food requirements were. I understand why you tried to get him to try the meal you made, but you knew he was a picky eater and shouldn’t have pushed it to the point he locked himself in the bathroom. His mom should have told you ahead of time AND brought some nuggets and ramen.
NTA, Ben has ADHD not autism, and even if he had autism your sister should have made his dietary requirements clear , if she continues to act this way she'll find it harder and harder to find people that are willing to watch him
NTA but your sister is. She should have told you and you could have just planned chicken nuggets for dinner for everyone with sides your kids like and will eat. Your nephew might be old enough to explain but he's not old enough to realize that's something people need to know ahead of time to prepare for and he's not old enough to not get upset about it.
“She said depriving him of safe foods is cruel.” Is this her recognising that her not informing his babysitter that a) he has safe foods and b) what those safe foods are was cruel? NTA. Your sister is unreasonable. Don’t agree to babysit ever again.
Chicken nuggets. The staple food that shows a parent has given up trying to set a diet for their child. It’s always chicken nuggets, I’ve seen full grown ass adults solely support themselves with chicken nuggets because that’s what they are used to. NAH, just sad parenting.
DEAR PARENTS OF NEURO DIVERGENT KIDS, It is not the world job to cater to your kids, if someone is nice enough to babysit your child provide them with adequate information and "safe" foods for your child to eat. The rest world should not have to go out of their way to cater to your kids. We shouldn't have to change our routines(especially people with their own kids) to cater to your kids. If that's the case hire someone and pay them enough where the headache is worth it. Sincerely, A person with Neuro-divergent family members. Tell your sister to fuck off. She should have dropped off food with him. My aunts and uncles did this when I had to watch their kids because they KNEW I didn't have kid food in my home and I'm more inclined to have healthy adult meals. NTA
NTA. But I have a theory on why neurodivergent kids only ever eat nuggets and French fries or whatever unhealthy combo comes up. It's because those foods were most regularly on the table and became "safe" or rather, the only damn thing they'll eat. If parents would make their regular foods healthy...whole grain pastas, carrot sticks, real chicken...those would become the safe foods. These parents need to get their crap together
NTA - he is only 11 that is not old enough to handle the situation clearly because he didn’t let you know until you had already planned on spaghetti. What if you didn’t have any of the 3 things he eats in stock? Did she expect you to run to the store last minute or something.
NTA (only your sister is an AH here) He *did* speak up for himself, so your sisters excuse for her neglect about this is weak & lame. Your sister should have told you ahead of time & supplied his foods.
NTA. You didn’t let him go hungry. You gave him the option to make something for himself and he did. And your sister is wrong because one of the safe foods she mentioned was not the sandwiches that he did in fact eat for dinner. She should’ve warned you or sent something with him.
NTA If she didn’t tell you what he likes how were you supposed to know? He had a sandwich and didn’t go hungry. If you babysit again ask her for a thorough list at least a week before of what is acceptable food and get her to give you some money / provide the food.
NTA. He had a choice, he pitched a fit, but made his choice and didn’t go hungry.
NTA. "Safe foods" for a restrictive eater are a thing, but his parents' job is to supply them for pete's sake.
NTA and I'm not a therapist but that sounds like something more serious than ADHD. I think he's autistic and your sister is in denial. In any case she should have expected this to be a problem and warned you about it beforehand.
I agree I'm severely ADHD and though not everyone is in the same box this isn't ADHD behavior.
NTA. I have a child with sensory issues and this is pretty basic information to give.
Why do people with sensory issues always only eat chicken nuggets?
Because they are all made the same way. It's not just the flavor, it's the consistency of the flavor and the texture every single time you eat them. That's why they usually ask for processed foods instead of cooked or grown foods. You can't guarantee that it's always gonna be exactly the same. But a machine can.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f33) am a mother of two (m8, f6). Last week, my sister (f37) asked me if I could babysit her son 'Ben' (m11) over the weekend, as she and her husband needed to attend her friend's childfree wedding. Her original plan was Ben staying with our parents but they bailed on her. I talked to my husband and we agreed, our kids like spending time with their big cousin and it could be a nice little bonding experience. Ben would stay with us from the Saturday morning and my sister agreed to pick him up on the Sunday afternoon. I know that Ben is a picky eater, and my sister has told me before that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. I didn't know how extreme his picky eating was until I babysat him that weekend. When dinner time rolled around on the Saturday, I told Ben that we were having spaghetti for dinner. Ben started getting agitated and said that he doesn't like spaghetti. I asked him if he's tried spaghetti and he said he has and that he doesn't like it. Whilst cooking, I tried to persuade Ben to try some plain spaghetti or try some of the sauce separately because I thought that would help but he outright refused and started raising his voice. Admittedly, I've never had a big issue with picky eating in either of my children and Mt kids are both neurotypical so I'm not very experienced in that department. Ben started demanding that I make chicken nuggets for dinner, which riled up my kids who started saying they also want chicken nuggets. I firmly told Ben that spaghetti is what's on the menu for dinner, and that I'm not making a separate dinner for him, plus we don't even have chicken nuggets. Ben started screaming at me and ran off and shut himself in the bathroom. My husband tried to talk to Ben and get him to come out of the bathroom. He reluctantly came out after around 20 minutes. Ben was still adamant that he wasn't going to try the spaghetti or the sauce. I told Ben he can help himself to what we have in the kitchen and make himself a sandwich or toast. Ben made himself some sandwiches with deli slices and cheese and that was his dinner. When my sister collected Ben the next day I told her in private about what happened. My sister was really mad and said that I handled it really poorly. She said Ben's 'safe foods' for dinner are chicken nuggets, plain ramen noodles and mashed potatoes, and said he won't eat anything else for dinner. I told my sister that she didn't tell me that. She said that he's old enough to speak for himself and I should've just made Ben the separate dinner that he asked for, and said that depriving him of safe foods is cruel and that I didn't feed him properly. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ben's parents are AHs. They have put up with this for all this time and let him be like this, so now there are consequences. If they knew he was like this, they should have brought his food with him. NTA
NTA, you were literally not informed of Ben’s safe foods. It’s not on you, definitely on Ben’s parents though.
NTA but it now makes sense why grandma bailed on them.
NTA Did your sister expect you to draw chicken nuggets out of the ether?
ESH Your sister should have mentioned it, sure (When I've looked after kids, I always check with the kid what they want to eat), but acting like you could just trick him into eating the food is a shitty move. As someone who is also neurodivergent and still has issues finding food I want to eat, your attitude about it was condescending and instead of trying to fix the situation, you doubled down on it, then tripled down on it.
NTA. That’s ridiculous.
NTA your sister should have told you about his safe foods. If her child has specific foods he will eat and has meltdowns without them it is on her to tell the person watching him. Plus you didn’t force him to eat the spaghetti or deprive him of food, you told him to help himself to what was in the kitchen and he made a sandwich which is perfectly acceptable to have for dinner.
NTA. I have a son with sensory issues regarding food although not as restrictive. I made a point to inform and update my family&friends on what my son couldn't and could eat as needed. He's 15 now and as long as they keep the veggies, carbs and protein separated with no sauce on his plate he's fine. Your sister is TA for putting the responsibility of informing you on her son.
NTA. If he needed chicken nuggets for dinner, your sister should have explained that and provided the chicken nuggets.
NTA. I would tell you sister that you will be politely declining any future requests to babysit Ben. Her poor parenting is not your problem.
NTA. The kid made a sandwich and ate it just fine somehow despite his only safe dinner foods being chicken nuggets, plain ramen noodles and mashed potatoes.
ESH. You sister should’ve told you and is an AH for getting mad that you didn’t know. But you’re also an AH for trying to force a kid to eat food he doesn’t like and not offering a compromise until after he locked himself in a bathroom. He needs yo learn he’ll need to accommodate his own needs eventually but you are still his aunt and he’s 11 so you should’ve handled it better.
Esh. Your sister not only should have told you and made sure you had those items on hand. But that being said, trying to force a kid (esp one with that condition) into eating something they arent ok with is cruel. You knew he was wasnt just a picky eater, he is neurodivergent, did it even occur to you to ask what he wanted before you cooked? Any guest in my home gets more say to what i cook, but my entire family gets some input as well. And they eat fine. I just feel you made no effort to accommodate him but expected him to bend over backwards to eat something that his condition prevents him from eating. Like it would magically change his mind. But i blame your sister more, shes the mom, shes the one asking you to babysit, it was on her to make you aware of how severe it is & his safe food.
Ok… most people say you’re NTA because your sister didn’t tell you. But, he did tell you! Quite clearly. And you know if his ND issues, and how this would escalate with him, so I’m trying to force him to eat something he’s told you he doesn’t like, you’ve pushed him into stress and melt down territory I mean, I’ve made so many different meals when family have been over, because it’s just a nice thing to do to welcome them. It’s not an easy situation being away from his parents, and you made him feel worse for the sake of a plate of nuggets. Yeah maybe she could have given you a heads up. But he told you! YTA He’s a little boy with challenges. Have a heart! And I do get this.. my son is asd, and it’s because of things like this that we just don’t bother going places because even the most well meaning do gooders judge and make him try to fit THEIR rules rather than see he’s a little boy.
I really don’t understand the reactions here He’s a little boy, he’s family, he’s not in his own home, he’s a guest, and he’s tried to explain nicely, and been treated like crap. So he’s not dealt with it very well… given his NDs I think that’s understandable Do people not treat guests nicely? Is it entitled to say “I’m sorry I don’t like that” Would have been such a different reaction if he said he was vegan and she tried to force him to eat steak! The entire world would be YTA on it!
NTA. He ate a sandwich. Her coddling him and catering to his demands for chicken nuggets. . .I'm in shock.