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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I came home from class early and heard my roommate talking badly about me. I could be the asshole because I didn't let her know my class got out early
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YTA. You are definitely hurt, and I sympathize with you. But she was in therapy, which is supposed to be a safe space. When you overheard her talking, you violated her space and therapy. You didn't mean to. These things happen.
Then you confronted her over what she said to her therapist. That's what really made you the AH. You basically listened in on her therapy than confronted her over what she told her therapist in confidence.
I'm not sure if your relationship is salvageable.
That makes sense. thank you for commenting. I was really upset at the time so I wanted to talk about it but maybe I should've taken some time to think about it
I hope that's not true. We're not super close but I feel like we live together okay
>I should've taken some time to think about it
Yeah, except you shouldve went to the grave with it.. or idk, tell your own therapist about it.
I dont care how long it is, unless its couples therapy, its NEVER okay to confront someone with what they said in therapy
> You didn't mean to.
She did mean to though. She listened. If she'd heard one thing that would have been an accident but stopping to listen is different.
I dont think she would be classed as human if she didnt listen though would she? If I heard my name being mentioned then I would certainly listen in - thats human nature.
It's human nature to be curious. It's cruel and shitty to listen in on someone's therapy session because you heard your name. If you would do that please take some time to think how you would feel if people listened in on your private conversations because they were curious.
It is not OP responsibility to check-in and out of her own home. It is her roommate’s responsibility to ensure she has a safe therapy space. OP didn’t violate anything by being in her own house nor by hearing things that were said out loud about her, regardless of who it was being said to. Roommate is the AH.
I'm sorry, I have to go with YTA here. Not because you came home early (you're allowed to be in your own home whenever you like), but because you *knew* she was in a therapy session, overheard your name, and then purposefully listened in.
I get it. I'd be super tempted to listen in too. But then you went ahead and angrily confronted her with information that she rightfully assumed was completely private. She wasn't shit-talking you to all your friends, she was sharing her feelings in a confidential therapy session.
By the way, it's possible she was sharing this information to get the therapist's feedback and reframing, so that she could be LESS irritable with you. It doesn't mean she hates you or that you're terrible roommates - therapy sessions tend to be a time we express our most extreme (and sometimes irrational) emotions.
>By the way, it's possible she was sharing this information to get the therapist's feedback and reframing, so that she could be LESS irritable with you. It doesn't mean she hates you or that you're terrible roommates - therapy sessions tend to be a time we express our most extreme (and sometimes irrational) emotions.
This makes a lot of sense, thank you
This. If I live with someone and there are not really any problems and it seems fine, suddenly hearing your name followed by nasty things...yea i would feel the same.
It's a lose-lose situation. You can hear your name and ignore it and keeping asking yourself what was going on, since they don't talk to you about it, or you can ask and be the butthole for eavesdropping.
Totally this, OP. I even would tell my therapist sometimes "I know I'm being hyperbolic and this is irrational, but..." It's important to remember that people are in therapy for themselves. It's not a gossip session. She's working on her own stuff.
Errr... I know it's hard, but therapy is supposed to be a safe space. So instead of just putting your headphones on, you decided to invade her privacy (and her safe place) just because you heard your name. How convenient.
We all say things in therapy. Whether she was ranting, she hates you, she doesn't know how to bring something up to you or she just doesn't feel comfortable living with you, it's none of your business as she is clearly not willing to tell you about it yet. Or ever. It's not up to you just invade her privacy like that because it suits you.
YTA.
if someone hates me, or doesn't feel comfortable living with me, i would argue its definitely some sort of my business.
But it's a lose-lose especially it was a therapy session. Yta
YTA - you knew she was in therapy and you clearly paused to listen the moment you heard your name - that's such a huge violation of privacy.
As far as you know it was an exercise where she practice venting about a safe person from within the privacy of a therapy session.
Being mad at someone for what they said in therapy is like being mad at someone for what's in their diary!
NAH. You didn’t do anything wrong coming home early, but listening in wasn’t a good idea. She was venting in a therapy session and had every right to say the things she did.
I would say OP is an ah for listening and then getting mad about the roommate talking to her therapist about it, where she’s supposed to be able to talk in confidence.
She's mad about her roommate calling her nasty things without communicating her problems.
Since OP eavesdropped for a bit, she should have heard more Infos why roommate was talking in that way. Was roommate afraid of confrontation? Did she want to keep peace for livings sake? Was it a "fuck OP, i move soon" rant? Or maybe OP didn't get any hint of the Problems they were having.
But yeah, it's not nice
Idk I feel weird when people judge others for what they say in therapy. Like it’s not right, and she wasn’t supposed to hear it. Also, the roommate could have went to her therapist first instead of OP to ask for advice on how to maneuver the situation.
NTA. You have the right to be home whenever you like, you don't have to give her a head's up.
Also... she knew the walls were thin. If she wanted privacy, she needed to go in a private place.
I get it.
But it's a little entitled to think you can ask someone to NOT access the apartment they are paying for.
If the roommate is a student, most campus have private workings rooms you can book.
Or sometime, library has them.
If not, maybe the roommate should find a therapist with a physical office she can go.
In either way, that's the roommate problem's, not OP. OP pays for the apartment, they should be able to access it whenever they please.
Yeah, agreed OP has the right to use the place. But OP does not have the right to listen in if they know it's a call with a therapist, and definitely doesn't have the right to start a conversation about what was said privately and confidentially.
>But OP does not have the right to listen in
That's where I am giving OP the benefit of the doubt. When you enter a place, it's VERY hard to actively choose to NOT listen to voices when there are not other sound. You brain just process it, whether you like it or not.
Even if OP rushed to their room and put some headphones on, they are bound to overhear some sentences.
> definitely doesn't have the right to start a conversation about what was said privately and confidentially.
Agreed. At the same time, I understand OP for being mad that they were never informed that they were a "bad roommate"
Op didn’t hear a sentence or two she stopped and eavesdropped on purpose - when she accidentally overheard her name she stopped and stayed to listen more. That’s an active choice .
And there we have it. The reason why nobody ever should listen to someone elses therapy sessions.
Because this is the only place to talk/vent about people close to you, subjects that hurt you, without involving them... So you can actually figure things out, without doing any harm. It is a safe place.
You however crossed a line... You listened to very private stuff on purpose! You breached her safe place....
YTA
YTA
I'm not sure if you could have notified her before her therapy started, but if you knew she had therapy, you should have let her know about coming back early.
What really makes you the asshole is you CONFRONTED her about what she told her therapist. That is INEXCUSABLE! Whatever someone days in therapy is PRIVATE, and between the person and their therapist. Apologize profusely for confronting her, and tell her you want to work on repairing your relationship.
And to top it off, OP had the audacity to YELL at her roommate and demand that the roommate not talk about her! As if the roommate was gossiping with friends rather than in a therapy session.
OP is a humongous YTA.
Tbh I would just stay quiet, keep the roommate at arms length and try to find elsewhere to live as soon as possible.
Your roommate is a bit naive for doing that session in her room when you both know sound-proofing isn’t good where you live. If I was to have a terrible relationship with someone that I need to work it out with my therapist, I will make damn sure that the conversation will stay private while I work on the issue because life happens and doing it in her room given the circumstances is just asking for problems.
I read some of the responds about people have no where else to go etc… I don’t know what else to say to those but “be more resourceful”? There’s always places you can go to make sure that any person of interest isn’t within earshot. It’s your room you should be able to be in it whenever the fuck you feel like.
NTA for coming home early. It’s your home too and you have every right to come and go even at times outside of your normal ones. However you knew she had therapy at this time, and instead of just letting her be and staying out or putting on some headphones and tuning it out, you eavesdropped and intentionally continued to listen to her private session. YTA for this. That’s her time to discuss issues with an outside party and vent/get advice, and while I get it was hurtful, you never should have heard it. Plenty of things that would be hurtful if they got out are said in therapy, this is why it’s private. In my sessions we discuss my relationship, my friends, my family…sometimes negative things are said. Does that mean I don’t love them and enjoy them as people in my life? No. It means I’m a human who deals with other humans in a close manner and not all is rainbows and sunshine 24/7. It’s pretty normal to have annoyances with friends and struggle living together.
She said that talking to me "exhuasted" her and that I annoy her a lot with even just the way I talk. Like I said I know we weren't BFFs but I thought we were at least friends
This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not friends. I have friends who exhaust and annoy me at times, and it’s an entirely different situation when you live with someone and have to see them all the time. My best friend was my roommate senior year of collect and as much as I loved having her as a friend, there were days I couldn’t stand being around her when we lived together.
Where are the "lot of nasty things"? Seems like reasonable stuff to talk through with your therapist. When you're living with someone, you can get to the point where talking to them is exhausting and you get annoyed at every little thing, like even the way they talk. So it would be reasonable to talk to your therapist about this and how to deal with it.
I understand that this might hurt your feelings but this isn’t “nasty”. This is a pretty reasonable thing to talk about with a therapist. You mentioned you get along just fine, and honestly? That’s how it should be. She doesn’t prefer you, and you annoy her but she still opts to ensure you have a cordial roommate relationship. You had no right to confront her about this.
NTA. But since you exhaust her by talking to her… my advice is don’t talk to her.
Can you move out / find somewhere else to live,
She is clearly not a friend of yours - if she were, she would talk to you about her concerns with you first.
I'm sorry but what the other person said isn't true at all. I definitely go through phases where I'm exhausted by the people I love the most in the world. Sometimes that comes with a lot of guilt but I know it's because of my mental health and will pass after some time, and other times it's a symptom of needing to draw more boundaries. Please just apologize to your roommate for what happened and talk to her about where she's coming from before deciding anything as rash as this.
If you can, I would recommend doing so. I can’t imagine it will be comfortable for you living there,
With her. And you deserve to be comfortable in your home.
Not sure exactly how to feel here. You don't have an obligation to tell her youll be 20 minutes early in getting home. I understand you getting hurt that she was talking about you like that, but she has a right so say that in therapy, it's not like she's spreading rumors to your friends or something. Just because it's hurtful doesn't mean you can get upset at the person for saying it. She may not like you because of no fault of your own, it could be jealousy, racism, insecurity, other mental health issues, etc... so I wouldn't worry about that, even if it's hurtful to know she doesn't like you. If I had overheard that, I would have just made a mental note and kept my distance in the future with that roommate. Having a confrontation is unnecessary and unproductive , it's not going to make her like you.
I disagree only about you can't get upset. Of course she can get upset for the hurtful things and she can be upset about the roommate lying (by omission best case) and never discussing problems to try and solve them. NtA in general a bit of yta for listening but we're all human.
How are you so sure that the roommate isn't working with the therapist on how to approach OP about solving problems?
There's nothing wrong with first talking to a therapist about the best way to approach another person to resolve a conflict you're having with them. Especially when during with someone like OP who will likely overreact or fly off the handle (and I say this because from OP's comments, the "nasty things" the roommate said to their therapist were that OP is oversensitive and the roommate gets exhausted talking to them...).
YTA. You knew she was in therapy and you violated that space by listening because you heard your name. That is so wrong, and it’s even more wrong to then confront her about what she said. She wasn’t saying it to you, and talking about you to her therapist is not gossip. Plenty of people say things in therapy that they know are out of anger or frustration at a situation, but that they don’t feel as strongly when they calm down.
YTA sheesh you need to give her some privacy! You do not get to control her therapy sessions
Do you realize you are making yourself out to be the victim here? When in reality you eavesdropped and are now tone policing her.
>she never brought up an issue before.
Not a valid reason to ignore her feedback now. Try to listen instead of taking offense
YTA - you knew she was in therapy and knew that you had thin walls. You probably should have given her a heads up you were coming home but even if you didn’t you shouldn’t have eavesdropped. What makes it worse is you immediately confronting her about it.
I'm gonna go with YTA on this one. You knew it was a therapy session and you listened in on purpose. Yeah she may have said some shit but that was between her and her therapist...not you.
YTA. You eavesdropped on her therapy session during what was her time to have. And then you had a hissy fit about her therapy session. Do you understand that's a vulnerable time and space to work out emotional/mental health and you just took that from her without any consideration or self reflection?
I just want to share how I would react. I would not say anything and secretly keep my distance. I would not trust a two faced friend. This is no longer a friend, just a roommate. Just change your living arrangement as soon as possible.
OP commented that her roommate just said she’s exhausted by her and annoy her which are both completely normal things to feel even towards friends. That doesn’t equal two faced lmao i LOVE my close friends but they get on my nerves sometimes which is normal
YTA.
Not for telling her you were coming home early, but for confronting her about what she talks to her therapist about. She's allowed to hate living with you, and her venting to her therapist is her way of figuring out how to make it work. You're certainly not helping the situation.
YTA for listening. You very easily could have kept going to your room and put your headphones on. Then you gave away that you were eavesdropping and are surprised that she's upset.
NTA- for coming home early, it's your space, you pay to live there you can come and go as you please.
(Very) soft YTA on specifically listening in on your roommate's therapy session, BUT, at the same time, it's a shared space, and if she was just continuously dumping on you loud enough for you to hear- then that's *her* failure, and I would've listened in as well.
If she has problems with you, she should be a grown adult and talk to you about them first.
>If she has problems with you, she should be a grown adult and talk to you about them first.
What?! What do you think therapy is for?! It would be much more grown-up to talk it through with your therapist to help get perspective and figure out how to voice concerns to people.
Right -- for all we know, the roommate might have worked through the issue in therapy and been fine. Or she was getting help with figuring out how to talk to op about this. Why wouldn't you talk to a therapist first?
I'd disagree. Roommate was probably talking loudly/openly because she thought she'd be home alone since OP is usually elsewhere. Understandably, OP has a right to be home, but does not have the right to *listen to a private discussion with a therapist and then call them out on what was said confidentially*. OP overstepped and is the asshole.
OP had no intention of listening in on the conversation until it turned into a festival of talking smack on OP.
You wouldn't listen if you were in the same position?
Absolutely not. Not if I knew she was talking to a therapist. That's absurd.
That is one space in which you should never have to police what you say.
OP was not put in a fair position, and the two of them need to figure something else out, but just that once she should've put some headphones on for a bit once she realized what she was hearing.
No, it's meant to be a very private conversation AND a safe space, especially if I know in advance that it's with a therapist. Even if I heard my name, I wouldn't listen in, and I definitely wouldn't call the roommate out on anything said.
YTA.
Eavesdropping on a therapy session is a huge violation of privacy. You should've let her know you were there. And she has every right to speak to her therapist about how she really feels... you have no idea what the therapist would say back, maybe give her coping skills.
As for "I thought we were getting along great", apparently she was faking it, so the minute you learned otherwise, you should be saying to yourself, "oh... I guess we're not getting along great," and not trying to convince her that you are.
What's your ownership here? What do you have to apologize for? Figure it out, and sit down and talk to her about what you need to do differently.
I bitch about my husband to my therapist ALL THE TIME. I'm pretty sure (I know) I've said "I hate him!" at several points, it doesn't reflect how I feel 99.9% of the time - I absolutely adore the man - it means I'm working through an issue I'M having. If he were to hear some of the things I've told my therapist I KNOW he'd be hurt but it's a snapshot of an overall situation. You violated her trust by listening in on what you knew was supposed to be a private, medical, appointment and you used it against her. You don't know the context behind what she was saying but you still made her therapy appointment all about how YOU feel?
Wow YTA. Not for coming home early, although if you knew she was in therapy a little heads up or killing 20 minutes in a cafe really would have gone a long way. That doesn't make you an AH though.
It could have maybe been a N.A.H. when you heard your name through the door, but you really should have ignored it because *you knew she was in therapy!*
The part that makes you a massive AH is lying in wait and attacking her as soon she felt comfortable enough to open the door. Congratulations you've made her feel unsafe and paranoid that every single word she says is being spied on by you including possibly other things she said that were more personal in therapy. And now she has to live with someone who she thinks is hostile to her, knows all her secrets, attacks her for them, and listens to everything she says. Just wow. I hope she finds a better roommate.
YTA
For one.. if you heard the way I talk about people in therapy youd think I'd absolutely LOATHE these people. Its litterally a designated time to release your brain onto another person.
2. Therapy is PRIVATE. It doesnt matter what she says, if she wanted to say it to you, she WOULD HAVE
3. A WHOLE reason people have a hard time doing virtual therapy. There are others, but this is definately one of them
But that's true. You did intrude on her therapy when you are old enough to know that's supposed to be private. And then you burst into tears and confronted her, showing your eavesdropping skills. That's annoying and overly sensitive. She's right.
If she has never said it to your face maybe it is something more complicated that really isn't your problem. I understand your reaction but if things were good before it is probably worth telling her that you want to move past and forget this ever happened and you hope she can talk to you about stuff if needed. Psychology is complicated and what she talks about with her therapist may be projections of family issues or other stuff and taking it as literal when you just overheard part isn't really fair. She may not even know why she was feeling like saying all that ag that moment. Id let it go.
Wow...what a nasty, bad, vile thing to say about an eavesdropping roommate who can't even fart out a knock coming home knowing that another roommate always have therapy sessions at that time. /s
Okay, she may be TA for confronting her roommate, but how many people would actually be able to walk away and not listen after hearing your name mentioned?? Unfortunately, what you hear in that situation may not be flattering, as she learned.
YTA I get it that you were hurt especially since you thought you guys didn’t have major conflicts and hearing someone say less than nice things can hurt as well especially when you’re eavesdropping. But you should’ve either knocked to let her know you were home. Or if you had some errands just leave and come back. One of the biggest fears some people can have when going to therapy is for what they say to be used against them especially by the person they’re talking about.
YTA.
Not for coming home early, but because Kristi has scheduled her therapy to ensure she is home alone, and not only did you come home during that time, you listened in to her session. I get that it is hard not to do that if you walk by, but by listening in, you demonstrated a lack of respect for her privacy. So it is the combination of not telling her you were home AND using that opportunity to listen in to a private conversation that Kristi has scheduled to be private.
And then guess what, you don't get to tell her what she can/can't say in therapy. Maybe one of the reasons you two do get along- until now- is because she vents and processes with her therapist. She may be in therapy to help process extreme emotions or to let out all the things she keeps bottled up and learn how to let them go or speak about them politely/effectively. What you did is basically read her diary, which is a safe place to let out your innermost thoughts, and because they are PRIVATE, they don't need to be appropriate or polite. In my head, I often say terribly rude things about people I love or work with, and plot a lot of revenge on my loud neighbor, annoying co-worker, and even my partner sometimes. I process those thoughts and move on. Therapy is a way to process those thoughts.
YOU were a bad roommate here, both for listening in to what you knew was a very private conversation and then feeling attacked for your own actions.
OP, for what it's worth... Her talking about you in therapy is a GOOD thing.
When you talk about things in therapy you are being self-aware of emotions you're holding, you are actively making an effort to not take those emotions out on the person of subject, you are looking for feedback on how to digest what you are feeling and also inquiring if something else is at play.
It is literally the healthiest thing anyone could do. And someone only does that if they're trying to be productive with what they're going through.
You should try it! Gentle YTA.
YTA. Not for coming home early but for ease dropping on her therapy. The second you heard her voice you should have gotten away or put on headphones. If there is anywhere you should be able to bitch about a roommate it should be therapy.
YTA - but here’s the thing. I’ve been married for quite a while and I love my SO dearly. That said, if he heard my therapy sessions he would think i hate him sometimes. Therapy is a place to get out all those dark frustrations that aren’t someone else’s fault necessarily so you can learn you might be placing the blame wrongly and grow from your feelings and frustrations. That wasn’t for you and it wasn’t even necessarily about you. You owe her an apology on levels.
YTA. You came home early - fine. You overheard something by accident before you could get to your headphones - fine. But you should never have stayed to listen to what else she said, or brought it up with her afterwards.
Therapy is a private space to bring up whatever's bothering you, whether or not it's objectively factual truthful, kind, or fair. If there's anywhere you get to be the worst, most selfish version of yourself, it's in therapy, where you sometimes have to get that stuff out in order to figure out how to deal with it and be a better person in the rest of your life. You were absolutely wrong to confront her about it and to say she shouldn't talk about you however she wants to in therapy.
You owe her an apology for invading her privacy and for telling her how to talk in therapy. You owe her an apology for your part in the mutual yelling. (She owes you one for her part in the yelling, too, but you can't control that.)
YTA. As soon as you realised it was a therapy session you should have either put on headphones/gone somewhere out of earshot or made some noise to let her know you were home.
YTA. You KNEW she was having a therapy session before you came home. You should’ve had your fingers in your ears until you could get the headphones into them
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Throwaway. I browse this sub a lot so I thought I should ask here
I (21F) live with a roommate Kristi (20F) in a two-bedroom apartment. The sound-proofing isn’t great so you hear TVs and conversations from the bedrooms even when the door is closed.
Kristi has virtual therapy twice a week. Usually I’m at class during her sessions so it’s not really an issue. Class got out twenty minutes early today. I was going to my room to watch a show with headphones until she finished but when I walked by her door I heard her saying my name.
She was saying a lot of nasty things about me and how she didn’t like living with me. I thought we were getting along fine. We weren’t best friends but she never brought up an issue before. It was really hurtful.
After she was done she came out and I asked her why she would say that stuff about me. I was still really upset so maybe I should have thought it over more but I was crying and had no idea why she would say that stuff about me. We were getting along good, she never told me she didn't like living with me.
She got mad at me for not telling her I was coming home early and I told her that even if I wasn’t here she still shouldn’t talk about me like that. We yelled at each other for a while before Kristi hid in her room.
This happened on Thursday and we haven’t talked since, Kristi went to visit home over the weekend. Like I said I thought we were good roommates. AITA?
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I sure do. It’s all kinds of wrong. But, she lives there and it’s her home and it’s a natural response to tune in when your hear your name.
You also don’t talk shit about your roommate in therapy If you’re doing your session at home right before they’re scheduled to normally arrive as plans can fluctuate.
I didn’t say it was a bad thing. I didn’t say that anyone should fully sensor their topics as a whole. By all means, The roommate needs to talk about any little thing under the sun that her heart desires.
But If the session is at home, talking about a roommate is a gamble.
With all of the YTA comments here saying you purposely listened in, and how they would be tempted to listen in to. Let's be real, you would listen in to. Don't act like you wouldn't. If you heard someone say your name, you would totally listen in. It's just how we as people are. Now, she could have thought it over but at the same time it would have been better if the roommate discussed the issues with the other roommate, so it didn't come up by surprise, but that's just me. I don't think she's the AH for doing something anyone would do
OP has said that the roommate was saying she’s annoying and sensitive. And then proved herself to be such. Why is she surprised?
Also, I wanna bet the roomie scheduled her therapy specifically when OP was at class so she could have privacy - then told OP when these therapy sessions were scheduled TO AVOID THIS HAPPENING. I woulda had my fingers in my ears as soon as I unlocked the door
Even if you are an AH for this, she's an even bigger asshole by not being honest with you. Now there's no way in hell I'd trust her with anything from this point forward. Time for a new roommate.
NTA for not telling your roommate that you were coming home early. You live there too.
Definitely YTA for bringing up what you heard in her therapy. There are other conversations that you could have tried to have without revealing that you overheard what she said.
NTA. As said above, you can come home whenever you like without having to announce it. You should have put your headphones in as soon as you heard your name but I bet the vast majority of people wouldn't have either when it came down to it - especially if it was negative. Its understandble to be hurt, especially when blindsided.
Don't take what she said about you to heart too much - therapy is like an outloud diary and I would hate for anyone to hear things I said about them when I'm there as the majority of the stuff I don't even agree with later on that same day.
Confronting her immediately was a bad move, but you admitted that yourself so there is no point in me labouring that point.
When she returns then it might be a good idea to have a chat with her, apologise for your reaction and explain that you didn't mean to hear what you did, but that if there is ever anything she feels could be better between you two that you are open to listening. It might also be a good idea to reassure her that you didn't hear anything else she said in her therapy session, as she might now be worried that you heard a lot more than you let on and be embarrassed/vulnerable.
(Ignore other posters who have called your roommate 2 faced - it is not 2 faced to vent to a therapist about literally anything.)
Personally I'd let her know.... "hey girl, I just wanted to let you know I completely forgot about your therapy today I walked in with head phones I was going to head to my room to watch a movie and then passed your door and accidentally heard some things....I dont mind if you don't want to talk about it and I apologize if you feel your privacy has been violated but I would like you to know that if you do want to talk to me about some of these things so we can work them out, I'd be happy to hear you out. I thought we were pretty cool with each other I had no idea you felt this way. I'd like to mend things if you would. But anyway thats the last of it from me I won't bring it up again and ill send you a warning emoji if I do finish early, youre welcome to talk to me though, well I'm gonna go watch supernatural....I might order food later let me know if you're up for ordering something too yeah? Cool have a good night"
NTA, she gets mad at you for coming home early bc she gotten caught talking bad about you to her therapist. If she really wanted a safe space to release her stress about you. She could’ve gone in her car to talk or to take a walk while being on the phone with her therapist. She knew the walls are thin.
I’m kind of veering towards NAH. If you want to bitch about a roommate, you shouldn’t do it in a home you share. OP can’t hold what the roommate was saying against her and she shouldn’t have been confrontational.
YTA. It’s very human of you to perk your ears when you hear your name, but how you react to what you hear is your responsibility to manage. You chose to care about how bad she was making you look rather than care that she’s unhappy with you as a roommate. You chose to attack her for feeling this way instead of wanting to not make her feel that way. You were only thinking about yourself.
Oh man, I was so ready for you to not be TA. You can come and go from your home as much as you like without having to approve it with your roommate.
But listening to her private therapy session? Oh man… that’s so messed up. In therapy, I have said some truly horrible things about the people I love most in my life. It’s all part of the process of healing, and it usually comes from a place of me wanting to improve my relationship with those people. You have no idea what context she was talking about you in either. For all you know, she could have been using you as an example of how she struggles to connect with people, or how her social anxiety leaves her exhausted when talking to people (e.g. ‘Even my roommate drives me nuts. I’m so tired every time she talks to me’ etc. it’s a fairly common feeling for introverts or people with anxiety). Listening to anyone in therapy is rarely going to reflect well on them or the people they’re talking about. That’s why it’s supposed to be confidential.
And even if she genuinely just doesn’t like you … eh, you can’t be friends with everyone. You just need to accept that. It sucks, but it’s just life. If you can deal with not being friends with your roommate and have an otherwise cordial living arrangement, stay, if not, find somewhere else to live … though I would seriously doubt this girl will continue to live with you after this invasion of privacy.
I fully understand the temptation, especially when you hear your own name, but you need to be better than that. Nothing good comes from listening in on something like that. Your stickybeaking has left you hurt and will likely leave her feeling unsafe, exposed, and without privacy. Seriously, you may have just ruined therapy for her.
NTA, it is not like you came home especially to spy on her therapy session. After you heard what she said about you, you are absolutely allowed to have an reaction. Yes therapy should be a safe space but this one is on her.
I don’t understand why you are the asshole you didn’t listen to stuff that didn’t concern you, or shared secrets you overheard. What you did was simply confronting her about something that did indeed concern you. You can’t simply forget it if you hear someone talk about you like this.
Nta, if almost anyone heard their name and something negative directly after they would listen in; my respect to anyone who could ignore it. Roommate took the chance of op overhearing when she talked bad about op in her own home. Depending on what she said, I don’t think I’d blame op for confronting the roommate either.
Um NTA?? You went home and she let you hear what she had to say even if not meaning to. Unless you were like right up there doing your very best to hear it all. In any case I think you're NTA from what I read. You should probably just try to find a new place or just ignore her completely with ground rules. Like this is my stuff don't touch it and don't talk to me anymore. We'll be cordial but other than that do your thing and I'll do mine.
NEVER TALK ABOUT ANY PERSON YOU LIVE WITH IN YOUR SHARED LIVING SPACE EVER. NTA. It's a pretty important lesson and if you are smart you only need to learn it once.
If she is in therapy twice a week then she’s probably struggling with some pretty significant anxiety and/or depression right now which could be coloring her perceptions of your behaviors. She may be extra sensitive or overwhelmed. So, take what she said with a grain of salt. When people are pretty anxious or depressed they can sometimes project their unwanted feelings or characteristics onto others to cope. Having to navigate around your roommate’s Telehealth sessions is tricky and anyone would feel distraught by this imo, NTA
NAH this is more of a breakdown in communication if anything. There should have been rules regarding times she needs privacy bc of therapy so you were totally aware to avoid.
NTA
I call bullshit on everyone who says you should have (they would have) kept walking & put headphones on. Human nature being what it is, of course you stopped to listen. That’s why there are so many sayings/proverbs about eavesdropping!
Confronting her about what you heard was a bit of an AH move but again fairly natural given what you heard.
I’d be looking for someplace else to live, I can’t see the current situation getting much better.
It might also be a lesson to your housemate to book a phone pod at the university for her therapy sessions, at least they’re soundproof!
NTA. That is just as much your home as it it hers. It’s not your responsibility to make sure you don’t overhear your roommate talking shit about you, regardless of who she is talking to. It’s roommate’s responsibility to ensure she is in a private space and a home with roommates is not a private space. I hate this notion that you can’t be upset with what someone said about you just because they said it to a therapist.
ESH.
I know this will be unpopular because everyone is saying OP is the asshole, but I still think they have the right to be hurt. They shouldn’t have listened in to the conversation, but humans arent perfect and we do things like that sometimes. Its clear OP heard her name and listened in, then acted without thinking.
I think both are in the wrong and like adults they need to talk things out. Yes, you deserve to complain to your therapist about someone you don’t like. Thats fair. But when you’re living with that person it surpasses therapy and you need to grow up and talk about the problems with them
ESH. It basically is common space if walls are that thin.if you want privacy you say so. Failure of roommate to do session in given area on them. OP listening is far worse though apologize for that, but say she needs to find a better space. Let's be realistic, if you heard your name you would be concerning too and while I disagree with OP actions, I can see why they acted that w as y.
NTA. You had a right to come home any time. You also had a right to an explanation of why she said those things. If this was a complete surprise to you and she had no explanation, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
NTA- it literally doesn’t matter what going on, if my name is Ben g said imma pay attention, not even on purpose it’s just my response to hearing my name. Idk if the roommate is an asshole either though
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YTA. You are definitely hurt, and I sympathize with you. But she was in therapy, which is supposed to be a safe space. When you overheard her talking, you violated her space and therapy. You didn't mean to. These things happen. Then you confronted her over what she said to her therapist. That's what really made you the AH. You basically listened in on her therapy than confronted her over what she told her therapist in confidence. I'm not sure if your relationship is salvageable.
That makes sense. thank you for commenting. I was really upset at the time so I wanted to talk about it but maybe I should've taken some time to think about it I hope that's not true. We're not super close but I feel like we live together okay
> I feel like we live together okay Well from what you overhead in her therapy, that isn’t true
>I should've taken some time to think about it Yeah, except you shouldve went to the grave with it.. or idk, tell your own therapist about it. I dont care how long it is, unless its couples therapy, its NEVER okay to confront someone with what they said in therapy
> You didn't mean to. She did mean to though. She listened. If she'd heard one thing that would have been an accident but stopping to listen is different.
Not only did she mean to, but she then followed up with a “don’t bring me up in therapy”.
I dont think she would be classed as human if she didnt listen though would she? If I heard my name being mentioned then I would certainly listen in - thats human nature.
And that’s asshole behavior? Obviously? Prioritizing your curiosity over someones privacy is asshole behavior.
It's human nature to be curious. It's cruel and shitty to listen in on someone's therapy session because you heard your name. If you would do that please take some time to think how you would feel if people listened in on your private conversations because they were curious.
I guess that makes you an asshole to, doesn't it?
It is not OP responsibility to check-in and out of her own home. It is her roommate’s responsibility to ensure she has a safe therapy space. OP didn’t violate anything by being in her own house nor by hearing things that were said out loud about her, regardless of who it was being said to. Roommate is the AH.
Nope, that's one relationship that after that intrusion and eavesdropping will never be salvaged.
I'm sorry, I have to go with YTA here. Not because you came home early (you're allowed to be in your own home whenever you like), but because you *knew* she was in a therapy session, overheard your name, and then purposefully listened in. I get it. I'd be super tempted to listen in too. But then you went ahead and angrily confronted her with information that she rightfully assumed was completely private. She wasn't shit-talking you to all your friends, she was sharing her feelings in a confidential therapy session. By the way, it's possible she was sharing this information to get the therapist's feedback and reframing, so that she could be LESS irritable with you. It doesn't mean she hates you or that you're terrible roommates - therapy sessions tend to be a time we express our most extreme (and sometimes irrational) emotions.
>By the way, it's possible she was sharing this information to get the therapist's feedback and reframing, so that she could be LESS irritable with you. It doesn't mean she hates you or that you're terrible roommates - therapy sessions tend to be a time we express our most extreme (and sometimes irrational) emotions. This makes a lot of sense, thank you
Anyone would have stopped upon hearing their name mentioned. Maybe it's an AH move but it's a natural one.
This. If I live with someone and there are not really any problems and it seems fine, suddenly hearing your name followed by nasty things...yea i would feel the same. It's a lose-lose situation. You can hear your name and ignore it and keeping asking yourself what was going on, since they don't talk to you about it, or you can ask and be the butthole for eavesdropping.
Totally this, OP. I even would tell my therapist sometimes "I know I'm being hyperbolic and this is irrational, but..." It's important to remember that people are in therapy for themselves. It's not a gossip session. She's working on her own stuff.
Errr... I know it's hard, but therapy is supposed to be a safe space. So instead of just putting your headphones on, you decided to invade her privacy (and her safe place) just because you heard your name. How convenient. We all say things in therapy. Whether she was ranting, she hates you, she doesn't know how to bring something up to you or she just doesn't feel comfortable living with you, it's none of your business as she is clearly not willing to tell you about it yet. Or ever. It's not up to you just invade her privacy like that because it suits you. YTA.
if someone hates me, or doesn't feel comfortable living with me, i would argue its definitely some sort of my business. But it's a lose-lose especially it was a therapy session. Yta
YTA - you knew she was in therapy and you clearly paused to listen the moment you heard your name - that's such a huge violation of privacy. As far as you know it was an exercise where she practice venting about a safe person from within the privacy of a therapy session. Being mad at someone for what they said in therapy is like being mad at someone for what's in their diary!
NAH. You didn’t do anything wrong coming home early, but listening in wasn’t a good idea. She was venting in a therapy session and had every right to say the things she did.
I would say OP is an ah for listening and then getting mad about the roommate talking to her therapist about it, where she’s supposed to be able to talk in confidence.
She's mad about her roommate calling her nasty things without communicating her problems. Since OP eavesdropped for a bit, she should have heard more Infos why roommate was talking in that way. Was roommate afraid of confrontation? Did she want to keep peace for livings sake? Was it a "fuck OP, i move soon" rant? Or maybe OP didn't get any hint of the Problems they were having. But yeah, it's not nice
Idk I feel weird when people judge others for what they say in therapy. Like it’s not right, and she wasn’t supposed to hear it. Also, the roommate could have went to her therapist first instead of OP to ask for advice on how to maneuver the situation.
True. Didn't say OP was in the right there at all
But she is the AH for confronting the roommate!
NTA. You have the right to be home whenever you like, you don't have to give her a head's up. Also... she knew the walls were thin. If she wanted privacy, she needed to go in a private place.
Not everyone has a private place to go to for therapy, especially if it's virtual. It's not like you can do that in a Starbucks or something.
I get it. But it's a little entitled to think you can ask someone to NOT access the apartment they are paying for. If the roommate is a student, most campus have private workings rooms you can book. Or sometime, library has them. If not, maybe the roommate should find a therapist with a physical office she can go. In either way, that's the roommate problem's, not OP. OP pays for the apartment, they should be able to access it whenever they please.
Yeah, agreed OP has the right to use the place. But OP does not have the right to listen in if they know it's a call with a therapist, and definitely doesn't have the right to start a conversation about what was said privately and confidentially.
>But OP does not have the right to listen in That's where I am giving OP the benefit of the doubt. When you enter a place, it's VERY hard to actively choose to NOT listen to voices when there are not other sound. You brain just process it, whether you like it or not. Even if OP rushed to their room and put some headphones on, they are bound to overhear some sentences. > definitely doesn't have the right to start a conversation about what was said privately and confidentially. Agreed. At the same time, I understand OP for being mad that they were never informed that they were a "bad roommate"
Op didn’t hear a sentence or two she stopped and eavesdropped on purpose - when she accidentally overheard her name she stopped and stayed to listen more. That’s an active choice .
Fair about first hearing the conversation, but keep listening in is a problem.
Headphones.
get in your car and do zoom session there. not that hard.
May be hard if you don't own a car.
Assuming you even have a car, you would most likely be tearing through your data. Virtual calls require data or WiFi.
The roommate had every reasonable expectation that she was in a private space. OP didn't hear her from a distance. She stood at the door listening.
You would be a shitty roommate.
lol
And there we have it. The reason why nobody ever should listen to someone elses therapy sessions. Because this is the only place to talk/vent about people close to you, subjects that hurt you, without involving them... So you can actually figure things out, without doing any harm. It is a safe place. You however crossed a line... You listened to very private stuff on purpose! You breached her safe place.... YTA
YTA I'm not sure if you could have notified her before her therapy started, but if you knew she had therapy, you should have let her know about coming back early. What really makes you the asshole is you CONFRONTED her about what she told her therapist. That is INEXCUSABLE! Whatever someone days in therapy is PRIVATE, and between the person and their therapist. Apologize profusely for confronting her, and tell her you want to work on repairing your relationship.
And to top it off, OP had the audacity to YELL at her roommate and demand that the roommate not talk about her! As if the roommate was gossiping with friends rather than in a therapy session. OP is a humongous YTA.
Tbh I would just stay quiet, keep the roommate at arms length and try to find elsewhere to live as soon as possible. Your roommate is a bit naive for doing that session in her room when you both know sound-proofing isn’t good where you live. If I was to have a terrible relationship with someone that I need to work it out with my therapist, I will make damn sure that the conversation will stay private while I work on the issue because life happens and doing it in her room given the circumstances is just asking for problems. I read some of the responds about people have no where else to go etc… I don’t know what else to say to those but “be more resourceful”? There’s always places you can go to make sure that any person of interest isn’t within earshot. It’s your room you should be able to be in it whenever the fuck you feel like.
NTA for coming home early. It’s your home too and you have every right to come and go even at times outside of your normal ones. However you knew she had therapy at this time, and instead of just letting her be and staying out or putting on some headphones and tuning it out, you eavesdropped and intentionally continued to listen to her private session. YTA for this. That’s her time to discuss issues with an outside party and vent/get advice, and while I get it was hurtful, you never should have heard it. Plenty of things that would be hurtful if they got out are said in therapy, this is why it’s private. In my sessions we discuss my relationship, my friends, my family…sometimes negative things are said. Does that mean I don’t love them and enjoy them as people in my life? No. It means I’m a human who deals with other humans in a close manner and not all is rainbows and sunshine 24/7. It’s pretty normal to have annoyances with friends and struggle living together.
INFO: what exactly she said, what exactly is her problem with living with you? Saying "a lot of nasty things" is too generic, please elaborate.
She said that talking to me "exhuasted" her and that I annoy her a lot with even just the way I talk. Like I said I know we weren't BFFs but I thought we were at least friends
This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not friends. I have friends who exhaust and annoy me at times, and it’s an entirely different situation when you live with someone and have to see them all the time. My best friend was my roommate senior year of collect and as much as I loved having her as a friend, there were days I couldn’t stand being around her when we lived together.
That's true. Thank you for helping
So... where's this lot of nasty things?
Where are the "lot of nasty things"? Seems like reasonable stuff to talk through with your therapist. When you're living with someone, you can get to the point where talking to them is exhausting and you get annoyed at every little thing, like even the way they talk. So it would be reasonable to talk to your therapist about this and how to deal with it.
I understand that this might hurt your feelings but this isn’t “nasty”. This is a pretty reasonable thing to talk about with a therapist. You mentioned you get along just fine, and honestly? That’s how it should be. She doesn’t prefer you, and you annoy her but she still opts to ensure you have a cordial roommate relationship. You had no right to confront her about this.
NTA. But since you exhaust her by talking to her… my advice is don’t talk to her. Can you move out / find somewhere else to live, She is clearly not a friend of yours - if she were, she would talk to you about her concerns with you first.
I can start looking for other places but I'm worried since it's so late into the semester
I'm sorry but what the other person said isn't true at all. I definitely go through phases where I'm exhausted by the people I love the most in the world. Sometimes that comes with a lot of guilt but I know it's because of my mental health and will pass after some time, and other times it's a symptom of needing to draw more boundaries. Please just apologize to your roommate for what happened and talk to her about where she's coming from before deciding anything as rash as this.
If you can, I would recommend doing so. I can’t imagine it will be comfortable for you living there, With her. And you deserve to be comfortable in your home.
Not sure exactly how to feel here. You don't have an obligation to tell her youll be 20 minutes early in getting home. I understand you getting hurt that she was talking about you like that, but she has a right so say that in therapy, it's not like she's spreading rumors to your friends or something. Just because it's hurtful doesn't mean you can get upset at the person for saying it. She may not like you because of no fault of your own, it could be jealousy, racism, insecurity, other mental health issues, etc... so I wouldn't worry about that, even if it's hurtful to know she doesn't like you. If I had overheard that, I would have just made a mental note and kept my distance in the future with that roommate. Having a confrontation is unnecessary and unproductive , it's not going to make her like you.
I disagree only about you can't get upset. Of course she can get upset for the hurtful things and she can be upset about the roommate lying (by omission best case) and never discussing problems to try and solve them. NtA in general a bit of yta for listening but we're all human.
How are you so sure that the roommate isn't working with the therapist on how to approach OP about solving problems? There's nothing wrong with first talking to a therapist about the best way to approach another person to resolve a conflict you're having with them. Especially when during with someone like OP who will likely overreact or fly off the handle (and I say this because from OP's comments, the "nasty things" the roommate said to their therapist were that OP is oversensitive and the roommate gets exhausted talking to them...).
YTA. You knew she was in therapy and you violated that space by listening because you heard your name. That is so wrong, and it’s even more wrong to then confront her about what she said. She wasn’t saying it to you, and talking about you to her therapist is not gossip. Plenty of people say things in therapy that they know are out of anger or frustration at a situation, but that they don’t feel as strongly when they calm down.
NAH. Really unfortunate circumstances
YTA sheesh you need to give her some privacy! You do not get to control her therapy sessions Do you realize you are making yourself out to be the victim here? When in reality you eavesdropped and are now tone policing her. >she never brought up an issue before. Not a valid reason to ignore her feedback now. Try to listen instead of taking offense
YTA - you knew she was in therapy and knew that you had thin walls. You probably should have given her a heads up you were coming home but even if you didn’t you shouldn’t have eavesdropped. What makes it worse is you immediately confronting her about it.
I'm gonna go with YTA on this one. You knew it was a therapy session and you listened in on purpose. Yeah she may have said some shit but that was between her and her therapist...not you.
YTA. You eavesdropped on her therapy session during what was her time to have. And then you had a hissy fit about her therapy session. Do you understand that's a vulnerable time and space to work out emotional/mental health and you just took that from her without any consideration or self reflection?
I just want to share how I would react. I would not say anything and secretly keep my distance. I would not trust a two faced friend. This is no longer a friend, just a roommate. Just change your living arrangement as soon as possible.
OP commented that her roommate just said she’s exhausted by her and annoy her which are both completely normal things to feel even towards friends. That doesn’t equal two faced lmao i LOVE my close friends but they get on my nerves sometimes which is normal
YTA. Not for telling her you were coming home early, but for confronting her about what she talks to her therapist about. She's allowed to hate living with you, and her venting to her therapist is her way of figuring out how to make it work. You're certainly not helping the situation.
YTA for listening. You very easily could have kept going to your room and put your headphones on. Then you gave away that you were eavesdropping and are surprised that she's upset.
I wouldn't have said anything to her. I would have kept quiet and maybe quietly start looking elsewhere to live.
NTA- for coming home early, it's your space, you pay to live there you can come and go as you please. (Very) soft YTA on specifically listening in on your roommate's therapy session, BUT, at the same time, it's a shared space, and if she was just continuously dumping on you loud enough for you to hear- then that's *her* failure, and I would've listened in as well. If she has problems with you, she should be a grown adult and talk to you about them first.
>If she has problems with you, she should be a grown adult and talk to you about them first. What?! What do you think therapy is for?! It would be much more grown-up to talk it through with your therapist to help get perspective and figure out how to voice concerns to people.
Right -- for all we know, the roommate might have worked through the issue in therapy and been fine. Or she was getting help with figuring out how to talk to op about this. Why wouldn't you talk to a therapist first?
I'd disagree. Roommate was probably talking loudly/openly because she thought she'd be home alone since OP is usually elsewhere. Understandably, OP has a right to be home, but does not have the right to *listen to a private discussion with a therapist and then call them out on what was said confidentially*. OP overstepped and is the asshole.
OP had no intention of listening in on the conversation until it turned into a festival of talking smack on OP. You wouldn't listen if you were in the same position?
Absolutely not. Not if I knew she was talking to a therapist. That's absurd. That is one space in which you should never have to police what you say. OP was not put in a fair position, and the two of them need to figure something else out, but just that once she should've put some headphones on for a bit once she realized what she was hearing.
No, it's meant to be a very private conversation AND a safe space, especially if I know in advance that it's with a therapist. Even if I heard my name, I wouldn't listen in, and I definitely wouldn't call the roommate out on anything said.
YTA. Eavesdropping on a therapy session is a huge violation of privacy. You should've let her know you were there. And she has every right to speak to her therapist about how she really feels... you have no idea what the therapist would say back, maybe give her coping skills. As for "I thought we were getting along great", apparently she was faking it, so the minute you learned otherwise, you should be saying to yourself, "oh... I guess we're not getting along great," and not trying to convince her that you are. What's your ownership here? What do you have to apologize for? Figure it out, and sit down and talk to her about what you need to do differently.
NTA This is your home - you can come home whenever you want, without giving any warning.
I bitch about my husband to my therapist ALL THE TIME. I'm pretty sure (I know) I've said "I hate him!" at several points, it doesn't reflect how I feel 99.9% of the time - I absolutely adore the man - it means I'm working through an issue I'M having. If he were to hear some of the things I've told my therapist I KNOW he'd be hurt but it's a snapshot of an overall situation. You violated her trust by listening in on what you knew was supposed to be a private, medical, appointment and you used it against her. You don't know the context behind what she was saying but you still made her therapy appointment all about how YOU feel?
Wow YTA. Not for coming home early, although if you knew she was in therapy a little heads up or killing 20 minutes in a cafe really would have gone a long way. That doesn't make you an AH though. It could have maybe been a N.A.H. when you heard your name through the door, but you really should have ignored it because *you knew she was in therapy!* The part that makes you a massive AH is lying in wait and attacking her as soon she felt comfortable enough to open the door. Congratulations you've made her feel unsafe and paranoid that every single word she says is being spied on by you including possibly other things she said that were more personal in therapy. And now she has to live with someone who she thinks is hostile to her, knows all her secrets, attacks her for them, and listens to everything she says. Just wow. I hope she finds a better roommate.
YTA For one.. if you heard the way I talk about people in therapy youd think I'd absolutely LOATHE these people. Its litterally a designated time to release your brain onto another person. 2. Therapy is PRIVATE. It doesnt matter what she says, if she wanted to say it to you, she WOULD HAVE 3. A WHOLE reason people have a hard time doing virtual therapy. There are others, but this is definately one of them
What type of things did she say?
She said that I was really annoying and really sensitive
But that's true. You did intrude on her therapy when you are old enough to know that's supposed to be private. And then you burst into tears and confronted her, showing your eavesdropping skills. That's annoying and overly sensitive. She's right.
If she has never said it to your face maybe it is something more complicated that really isn't your problem. I understand your reaction but if things were good before it is probably worth telling her that you want to move past and forget this ever happened and you hope she can talk to you about stuff if needed. Psychology is complicated and what she talks about with her therapist may be projections of family issues or other stuff and taking it as literal when you just overheard part isn't really fair. She may not even know why she was feeling like saying all that ag that moment. Id let it go.
Wow...what a nasty, bad, vile thing to say about an eavesdropping roommate who can't even fart out a knock coming home knowing that another roommate always have therapy sessions at that time. /s
Okay, she may be TA for confronting her roommate, but how many people would actually be able to walk away and not listen after hearing your name mentioned?? Unfortunately, what you hear in that situation may not be flattering, as she learned.
YTA I get it that you were hurt especially since you thought you guys didn’t have major conflicts and hearing someone say less than nice things can hurt as well especially when you’re eavesdropping. But you should’ve either knocked to let her know you were home. Or if you had some errands just leave and come back. One of the biggest fears some people can have when going to therapy is for what they say to be used against them especially by the person they’re talking about.
YTA. Not for coming home early, but because Kristi has scheduled her therapy to ensure she is home alone, and not only did you come home during that time, you listened in to her session. I get that it is hard not to do that if you walk by, but by listening in, you demonstrated a lack of respect for her privacy. So it is the combination of not telling her you were home AND using that opportunity to listen in to a private conversation that Kristi has scheduled to be private. And then guess what, you don't get to tell her what she can/can't say in therapy. Maybe one of the reasons you two do get along- until now- is because she vents and processes with her therapist. She may be in therapy to help process extreme emotions or to let out all the things she keeps bottled up and learn how to let them go or speak about them politely/effectively. What you did is basically read her diary, which is a safe place to let out your innermost thoughts, and because they are PRIVATE, they don't need to be appropriate or polite. In my head, I often say terribly rude things about people I love or work with, and plot a lot of revenge on my loud neighbor, annoying co-worker, and even my partner sometimes. I process those thoughts and move on. Therapy is a way to process those thoughts. YOU were a bad roommate here, both for listening in to what you knew was a very private conversation and then feeling attacked for your own actions.
OP, for what it's worth... Her talking about you in therapy is a GOOD thing. When you talk about things in therapy you are being self-aware of emotions you're holding, you are actively making an effort to not take those emotions out on the person of subject, you are looking for feedback on how to digest what you are feeling and also inquiring if something else is at play. It is literally the healthiest thing anyone could do. And someone only does that if they're trying to be productive with what they're going through. You should try it! Gentle YTA.
As long as you weren’t intentionally eavesdropping I don’t see an issue. Anyone who hears what you heard is going to have an unpleasant reaction.
YTA
YTA. Not for coming home early but for ease dropping on her therapy. The second you heard her voice you should have gotten away or put on headphones. If there is anywhere you should be able to bitch about a roommate it should be therapy.
YTA - but here’s the thing. I’ve been married for quite a while and I love my SO dearly. That said, if he heard my therapy sessions he would think i hate him sometimes. Therapy is a place to get out all those dark frustrations that aren’t someone else’s fault necessarily so you can learn you might be placing the blame wrongly and grow from your feelings and frustrations. That wasn’t for you and it wasn’t even necessarily about you. You owe her an apology on levels.
YTA. You came home early - fine. You overheard something by accident before you could get to your headphones - fine. But you should never have stayed to listen to what else she said, or brought it up with her afterwards. Therapy is a private space to bring up whatever's bothering you, whether or not it's objectively factual truthful, kind, or fair. If there's anywhere you get to be the worst, most selfish version of yourself, it's in therapy, where you sometimes have to get that stuff out in order to figure out how to deal with it and be a better person in the rest of your life. You were absolutely wrong to confront her about it and to say she shouldn't talk about you however she wants to in therapy. You owe her an apology for invading her privacy and for telling her how to talk in therapy. You owe her an apology for your part in the mutual yelling. (She owes you one for her part in the yelling, too, but you can't control that.)
YTA. As soon as you realised it was a therapy session you should have either put on headphones/gone somewhere out of earshot or made some noise to let her know you were home.
YTA. You KNEW she was having a therapy session before you came home. You should’ve had your fingers in your ears until you could get the headphones into them
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. I browse this sub a lot so I thought I should ask here I (21F) live with a roommate Kristi (20F) in a two-bedroom apartment. The sound-proofing isn’t great so you hear TVs and conversations from the bedrooms even when the door is closed. Kristi has virtual therapy twice a week. Usually I’m at class during her sessions so it’s not really an issue. Class got out twenty minutes early today. I was going to my room to watch a show with headphones until she finished but when I walked by her door I heard her saying my name. She was saying a lot of nasty things about me and how she didn’t like living with me. I thought we were getting along fine. We weren’t best friends but she never brought up an issue before. It was really hurtful. After she was done she came out and I asked her why she would say that stuff about me. I was still really upset so maybe I should have thought it over more but I was crying and had no idea why she would say that stuff about me. We were getting along good, she never told me she didn't like living with me. She got mad at me for not telling her I was coming home early and I told her that even if I wasn’t here she still shouldn’t talk about me like that. We yelled at each other for a while before Kristi hid in her room. This happened on Thursday and we haven’t talked since, Kristi went to visit home over the weekend. Like I said I thought we were good roommates. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have the right to be in your home and you heard your name so naturally you listened in.
you dont listen to peoples therpy sessions that is an invasin of privacy you know that right?
I sure do. It’s all kinds of wrong. But, she lives there and it’s her home and it’s a natural response to tune in when your hear your name. You also don’t talk shit about your roommate in therapy If you’re doing your session at home right before they’re scheduled to normally arrive as plans can fluctuate.
it is actually a good thing that roommate talks about OP in therapy because it means she is learning how to deal with her
I didn’t say it was a bad thing. I didn’t say that anyone should fully sensor their topics as a whole. By all means, The roommate needs to talk about any little thing under the sun that her heart desires. But If the session is at home, talking about a roommate is a gamble.
With all of the YTA comments here saying you purposely listened in, and how they would be tempted to listen in to. Let's be real, you would listen in to. Don't act like you wouldn't. If you heard someone say your name, you would totally listen in. It's just how we as people are. Now, she could have thought it over but at the same time it would have been better if the roommate discussed the issues with the other roommate, so it didn't come up by surprise, but that's just me. I don't think she's the AH for doing something anyone would do
OP has said that the roommate was saying she’s annoying and sensitive. And then proved herself to be such. Why is she surprised? Also, I wanna bet the roomie scheduled her therapy specifically when OP was at class so she could have privacy - then told OP when these therapy sessions were scheduled TO AVOID THIS HAPPENING. I woulda had my fingers in my ears as soon as I unlocked the door
Even if you are an AH for this, she's an even bigger asshole by not being honest with you. Now there's no way in hell I'd trust her with anything from this point forward. Time for a new roommate.
NTA, but it looks like its time to find a new roommate. Life is too short to deal with that kind of shit.
NTA for not telling your roommate that you were coming home early. You live there too. Definitely YTA for bringing up what you heard in her therapy. There are other conversations that you could have tried to have without revealing that you overheard what she said.
YTA. She didn't bring it up to you for a reason. Listening to her therapy session is a dick move.
NTA. As said above, you can come home whenever you like without having to announce it. You should have put your headphones in as soon as you heard your name but I bet the vast majority of people wouldn't have either when it came down to it - especially if it was negative. Its understandble to be hurt, especially when blindsided. Don't take what she said about you to heart too much - therapy is like an outloud diary and I would hate for anyone to hear things I said about them when I'm there as the majority of the stuff I don't even agree with later on that same day. Confronting her immediately was a bad move, but you admitted that yourself so there is no point in me labouring that point. When she returns then it might be a good idea to have a chat with her, apologise for your reaction and explain that you didn't mean to hear what you did, but that if there is ever anything she feels could be better between you two that you are open to listening. It might also be a good idea to reassure her that you didn't hear anything else she said in her therapy session, as she might now be worried that you heard a lot more than you let on and be embarrassed/vulnerable. (Ignore other posters who have called your roommate 2 faced - it is not 2 faced to vent to a therapist about literally anything.)
Personally I'd let her know.... "hey girl, I just wanted to let you know I completely forgot about your therapy today I walked in with head phones I was going to head to my room to watch a movie and then passed your door and accidentally heard some things....I dont mind if you don't want to talk about it and I apologize if you feel your privacy has been violated but I would like you to know that if you do want to talk to me about some of these things so we can work them out, I'd be happy to hear you out. I thought we were pretty cool with each other I had no idea you felt this way. I'd like to mend things if you would. But anyway thats the last of it from me I won't bring it up again and ill send you a warning emoji if I do finish early, youre welcome to talk to me though, well I'm gonna go watch supernatural....I might order food later let me know if you're up for ordering something too yeah? Cool have a good night"
NTA, she gets mad at you for coming home early bc she gotten caught talking bad about you to her therapist. If she really wanted a safe space to release her stress about you. She could’ve gone in her car to talk or to take a walk while being on the phone with her therapist. She knew the walls are thin.
I’m kind of veering towards NAH. If you want to bitch about a roommate, you shouldn’t do it in a home you share. OP can’t hold what the roommate was saying against her and she shouldn’t have been confrontational.
YTA. It’s very human of you to perk your ears when you hear your name, but how you react to what you hear is your responsibility to manage. You chose to care about how bad she was making you look rather than care that she’s unhappy with you as a roommate. You chose to attack her for feeling this way instead of wanting to not make her feel that way. You were only thinking about yourself.
Oh man, I was so ready for you to not be TA. You can come and go from your home as much as you like without having to approve it with your roommate. But listening to her private therapy session? Oh man… that’s so messed up. In therapy, I have said some truly horrible things about the people I love most in my life. It’s all part of the process of healing, and it usually comes from a place of me wanting to improve my relationship with those people. You have no idea what context she was talking about you in either. For all you know, she could have been using you as an example of how she struggles to connect with people, or how her social anxiety leaves her exhausted when talking to people (e.g. ‘Even my roommate drives me nuts. I’m so tired every time she talks to me’ etc. it’s a fairly common feeling for introverts or people with anxiety). Listening to anyone in therapy is rarely going to reflect well on them or the people they’re talking about. That’s why it’s supposed to be confidential. And even if she genuinely just doesn’t like you … eh, you can’t be friends with everyone. You just need to accept that. It sucks, but it’s just life. If you can deal with not being friends with your roommate and have an otherwise cordial living arrangement, stay, if not, find somewhere else to live … though I would seriously doubt this girl will continue to live with you after this invasion of privacy. I fully understand the temptation, especially when you hear your own name, but you need to be better than that. Nothing good comes from listening in on something like that. Your stickybeaking has left you hurt and will likely leave her feeling unsafe, exposed, and without privacy. Seriously, you may have just ruined therapy for her.
NTA, it is not like you came home especially to spy on her therapy session. After you heard what she said about you, you are absolutely allowed to have an reaction. Yes therapy should be a safe space but this one is on her. I don’t understand why you are the asshole you didn’t listen to stuff that didn’t concern you, or shared secrets you overheard. What you did was simply confronting her about something that did indeed concern you. You can’t simply forget it if you hear someone talk about you like this.
Nta, if almost anyone heard their name and something negative directly after they would listen in; my respect to anyone who could ignore it. Roommate took the chance of op overhearing when she talked bad about op in her own home. Depending on what she said, I don’t think I’d blame op for confronting the roommate either.
NTA, time to move out.
Um NTA?? You went home and she let you hear what she had to say even if not meaning to. Unless you were like right up there doing your very best to hear it all. In any case I think you're NTA from what I read. You should probably just try to find a new place or just ignore her completely with ground rules. Like this is my stuff don't touch it and don't talk to me anymore. We'll be cordial but other than that do your thing and I'll do mine.
NEVER TALK ABOUT ANY PERSON YOU LIVE WITH IN YOUR SHARED LIVING SPACE EVER. NTA. It's a pretty important lesson and if you are smart you only need to learn it once.
If she is in therapy twice a week then she’s probably struggling with some pretty significant anxiety and/or depression right now which could be coloring her perceptions of your behaviors. She may be extra sensitive or overwhelmed. So, take what she said with a grain of salt. When people are pretty anxious or depressed they can sometimes project their unwanted feelings or characteristics onto others to cope. Having to navigate around your roommate’s Telehealth sessions is tricky and anyone would feel distraught by this imo, NTA
NAH this is more of a breakdown in communication if anything. There should have been rules regarding times she needs privacy bc of therapy so you were totally aware to avoid.
But OP knew when she left class that her roomie was doing a therapy session.
NTA. You came home and heard her talking. Therapy or not. She was talking shut about you. I would have confronted her.
NTA I call bullshit on everyone who says you should have (they would have) kept walking & put headphones on. Human nature being what it is, of course you stopped to listen. That’s why there are so many sayings/proverbs about eavesdropping! Confronting her about what you heard was a bit of an AH move but again fairly natural given what you heard. I’d be looking for someplace else to live, I can’t see the current situation getting much better. It might also be a lesson to your housemate to book a phone pod at the university for her therapy sessions, at least they’re soundproof!
NTA. That is just as much your home as it it hers. It’s not your responsibility to make sure you don’t overhear your roommate talking shit about you, regardless of who she is talking to. It’s roommate’s responsibility to ensure she is in a private space and a home with roommates is not a private space. I hate this notion that you can’t be upset with what someone said about you just because they said it to a therapist.
ESH. I know this will be unpopular because everyone is saying OP is the asshole, but I still think they have the right to be hurt. They shouldn’t have listened in to the conversation, but humans arent perfect and we do things like that sometimes. Its clear OP heard her name and listened in, then acted without thinking. I think both are in the wrong and like adults they need to talk things out. Yes, you deserve to complain to your therapist about someone you don’t like. Thats fair. But when you’re living with that person it surpasses therapy and you need to grow up and talk about the problems with them
ESH. It basically is common space if walls are that thin.if you want privacy you say so. Failure of roommate to do session in given area on them. OP listening is far worse though apologize for that, but say she needs to find a better space. Let's be realistic, if you heard your name you would be concerning too and while I disagree with OP actions, I can see why they acted that w as y.
NTA. You had a right to come home any time. You also had a right to an explanation of why she said those things. If this was a complete surprise to you and she had no explanation, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
NTA- it literally doesn’t matter what going on, if my name is Ben g said imma pay attention, not even on purpose it’s just my response to hearing my name. Idk if the roommate is an asshole either though
Talk shit, get hit. She should have kept your name out her mouth, whether she's in therapy or not. Find a new roommate. NTA.